I risk to tell this story because it is of a lady and i suspect she knows this blog. But i wunt mention names, but will tell full story. Its about a very very hot, very very hot lady indeed and is white in color. Her size was close to Walalu but not so thin (then, but after getting married, she turned into yokozuna). Her matish are average, not big like of Luo and not flat as of Kikuyus. Her legs.. are not bad at all. It looks like of Luhya from Hips upto knee level. From knee downward is 100% Okuyu. But anyway, no one eats legs, it is hole that matters. Her face is very beautiful, the face that you can use to eat another person that does not look good when you are climbing. I hear English people call it fantasizing. (Do women fantasize by the way? If they do, if a woman am climbing fantasize and i come to know, i can kill somebody) But the 'downside' and upside to many of us men, she is kinda Simu ya Jamii (Call box, for those who were born yesterday).
I dont know why most men love Simu ya Jamii type. I am one of them though. There is nothing that makes me happy like to know a person will not refuse refuse to remove Thuruari for me. I just hate to beg when borrowing hole and that is why some women confuse me to be good man and patient. If we go to sleep and she say not today, i put clothes on and go home.
When men discuss a lady that gives ovyo ovyo and say something like " we tiganana na kau gitiri mundu gatari karutira thuruari (Leave that, there is nobody she has never removed pantie for), all people start looking for her lady to climb. I know at the end of the story, some of you will ask for her contact but dont bother, she now is happily married and increase size. I dont know if she still distribute but i care less, i ate enough.
Some years back, one guy tell us how he plants that chick who was written as secretary and reception right in her office when the boss is not in, or after work. He was telling the story to me, Theuri and Akuku.
We looked at the guy telling us the story and we knew a hole has emerged, just out of the blues. We happened to know the lady and used to go to that office because the boss was our friend. We didnt know that she could remove Thuruari without much struggle or investment but when we look at the guy telling us he bangs her we know thiga is circumcised. The guy, number one was a poor dresser, he put suit and rubber shoes together, he smokes, sometimes does not shave beard looking like a Professor who used to teach me computer packages at Universal college University, and his English is very unhappy than mine. If you hear him talk English, you will fall on ground with laughter. One day, he was attending a white man in his phone shop and was to explain phone features. "ee this mombire is rike eeh it work very good, ee and it live fire many days, and brutooth and two batery and email is has and eh incase sharger rost, is share with all Nokia with small end. Its camera and dvd hole and can take TV... " until the white man go for not feeling each other.You know the feeling that you get when you see a haggard with a fly chick and what comes to your mind ? .. 'aahh i still have hope if that chick can move with such a boy....'
It is Theuri that start although he did not tell me he want to climb her. When he wented there, he ate her same day in that office, although he tell me he did not climb her but tell other people and they tell me. He denied when i ask and said he cannot eat cierunde, (the one that falls themselves)only Akuku does. But he tell those other people that " aa kau gatiri mihoere. Ni ndirakaigire thi (Aa she has no borrowing difficulty. I put her down ). " no ngai anjohere tondu ndiraugaga ningukaria indo icio uguo ndirakuite mashembe (God forgive me because i did not know i will eat those things, i had not carry makobosto.
One day, when seated in my shop, i felt my Riang'a (josto) complain of thirst. My brain beat that lady. I rushed there before my brain told me otherwise. I found her on computer chatting with yahoo. Although i had heard that she has no muhoeres, i wanted to be as 'professional' as possible. When i looked at her, i refused to know why she give so easy. So cute, figure is there and talks good English. But then i was told there are ladies that are like men whose tree stand upon seeing a skirt, some ladies get wet and look for a way to be eaten at any cost when they see a josto carrier somewhere. They hate getting attached to men but want josto as fast as they can get. And when they get banged, they dont ask for financial assistance. It is getting tree and that is that.
We were so free and used to joke but not to the extent of borrowing. I asked where is boss and she say he go to play Golf. I asked her if she is eaten lunch, she tell me she ate witikio (believe). I asked her what she want and she say burger and soda of plastic. I walked out to buy Burger at the then Burger Dome, bought one burger and soda, then wented to next building to buy makobostos.
Back to her office with Burger, she come out of her desk and sit at reception seats and start eating the burger. I was not sure if to borrow or not, but when i look at her Thutha and face, i get more motivated. But when i remember who eats, my brain tell me to forget but was josto tell me that Fresh flesh give no running stomach. We talk many many stories but not of climbing.
This is now it started "ndirenda nguethere muthee. Na ni muthee wina tuindo no nawe indo ukamuigira wega biu" (I want to look you a man, a man that has money provided you give the goods well) She say she will be happy, but i tell her "na ni muthee wi ng'aragu muno na shuma yake ni nene kuri yakwa. Ndioi kana no uhote kumuriria shuma nene" (It is man with thirst and has big josto than mine. I dont know if you can tolerate big josto). Then i go "Arafu endete mundu wina tiita nene. Akoruo kangura gaku nigatinitio ona ndugethumbure (He likes big clits. If your clit was cut dont bother) She laughs and tell me she has big clit than Rwandese girls. She then ask how big is my josto and i ask her to touch and feel for herself.
She brought out her hand and touched my hardened josto and said " aai.. gaka kaigana kara gakwa kangihunia u riu? "(aii this small as my finger can satisfy who now?) It goes on like that until she sits on my lap.The rest is not interesting but I beat her things in that office and went back again and again. Her hole was ok, although many waters. I cannot say it is the best hole i have planted but i liked the way she used to cry while being eaten "uuu aaahhh wanjohi.. aaaahhh deeper... faster.. aaahhh uuuuuu uuuuu".
It went on and on until her boss got bankrupt for sometime before getting up again. I hear that boss was also eating that girl and i hear if you climb somebody in your office, it will go to poverty. She was employed in another office that is written many people and office is partitioned with clear glass and CCTV cameras, so nobody can climb in that office.. We still talk even today although she is now married with one children. I respect married women, even if she come to me with thuruari on head, i'll say no. Unless unknowingly or at gunpoint. But to stray is human, i have strayed once. A story of another day.
(Off to the Royal Wedding. See you on Monday)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
My story of Old Car and Equity loan.
Today, no Muclimbano stories. Serious business.
Today it mark 9 yrs since i paid my last ever loan with Equity, when it was EQUITY. Those days, it was real muiganania. It was such a painful experience though. Read on and clap for me for finally repaying them first.
I started with Equity when it was a building society, then to bank with ATM. Those days, we used to casually walk in the credit section and you tell the cashier you need 20k to go drink changaa. Within 5 minutes, the money would be in your account. I know its no longer that way because of the way they saw fire from the likes of Wanjohi.
When they introduced ATM, Theuri showed me how to give yourself loan from the bank. After removing money you get on loan from account from the counter, their system was so slow that it did not deduct from your account until evening. So, after wiping the money in account over the counter we would rush to the ATM and remove the maximum an ATM could. Tomorrow, when we make money, we repay all. They never used to ask us why we were doing that although it was criminal. They needed us most and anyway, it was our bank.
One day, my business expanded and i needed to beg big money. Anything above 50, one had to bring security. I told you before i had an old Toyota K70 car. I bought the car after i saw a friend of mine with a Toyota G-touring, so i thought it was also an equal car, save it was more aged. After all, the previous owner was old lady and only used to use the car to go to church and funerals only and i hear she never use to carry anybody in the car, so you can imagine the condition *wink* *wink*
But i have good advise for you. Never buy a very very old car like that. Whether the previous owner bought it and parked it at home until that time want to sell, or it was owned by Indian man. It is like paying to get problem. If you see somebody driving such an old car, salute them. You cannot drive such a car without at least 2k in pocket because, anytime, it will ask for some money. Another thing, you need to employ a full time mechanic if you want to save on repairing cost.
For me, i thank God i bought an old car because, it made me a mechanic literally without going to Kenya polly to read mechanical engineer. Everyday, it would have problems. From brakes, to wipers not working (but if the wiper doent work, no problem, buy omo and spill on screen. It will wipe better than wipers), clutches, lights, signals, horns, shocks (but you dont need the shocks anyway), door refuse to open (one day, i went to climb somebody and when i park at place of room, pasager door refuse to open), window refuse to wind down , steering wheel refuse to turn fast, name them. In other words, everyday, i had to go to Grogon. I was known by every mechanic there and i had known all holes to buy second hand spares, including legs.
I remember one day i go to Nakuru then brakes problem, refusing to stop in emergency. I knew cold had entered. I take to a garage and when they finish removing cold, they ask me to give them money. I gave them 80 bob and the owner ask me what 80 bob was for. I tell him that is what i pay to remove cold. He looked at me and smile with anger, then gave me back my 80 shilling and add another 100 bob, he say i go drink tea with the 100bob, removing cold is free, not 80bob. Another experience i got was that if you want cheap mechanic, go to where you will see taxi and matatus. If a mechanic doent make taxis and matatus, he is damn expensive.
Away from my old car, i wented to bank and begged for 400k. They ask for security and bring log book and a guarantor that also have a local Nissan Hardbody. Next day, i got money already in the account, we agreed i pay 80k per month for 6 months, then after that, they can give me double the money for bigger business.
I wented and added stock and some money, added music on my car and decorate (i hear it is called souping car). I became popular with people of skirt, now that i could afford to take them to Mike Rua. The coffee riped and made money like satan. But Satan is another one. After two months, the owner of exhibition come and say he want to renovate shop. The satan does not like people of God progressing. When landlord finish renovating, he say we pay goodwill of one million per shop. I refused and wented to another shop. That was the end of me. Not one customer would come. I would sit there, eat my lips waiting for customers but where. No customer come, only those just inquiring and stuff until i want to get removed devil. (By the way, you see those many exhibition, many people always worry because it is expensive to maintain shop. Shop go for rent of 50k per month, so you can imagine how much you are supposed to make per day to break even. Those who survive well are women because when business is about to go to poverty, they go to their men and they inject more money)
Within 3 months, my business had gone to poverty, it was not even enough to pay employees at times. Equity began getting worry. They call me everyday and i go with a cooked story until i couldnt cook more story. I had to stop going or answering their phones. They write to me many letters that they will take me to court to recover their money and cost but i could not do anything. I was damn broke lass.
Since they had the logbook, they instructed the auctioneers to look for my ca. Auctioneer look for the car but where, i had hidden it somewhere they could not see. When i got wind that they were looking for guarantors car as well, i looked for the auctoneers. I talked to them bad with anger and tell them that "Equity ti kwa nyina" (Equity is not for their mother) . I tell them that the owner of Pickup is real brother of the then Mungiki leader Ndura Waruingi. I tell them i know where they live and if they try something silly, their head will be hanged in stage on a tree. I gave them 10k to go drink Chang'aa kwa Ruben. Later, they tell me that they have never seen a person that talk to them bad when they want to take their car, people beg them, including big people in government. I was only playing a psychological game and knew that if it failed, it would hit back on me badly like thunder.
After three months, auctioneers get pressure from bank, if they dont get the cars, they will get other auctioneers. That only meant giving auctioneers more money and more threats, although they tell me i have to pay loan since bank can get other auctioneers. Everyday, i get letters from bank, and the guy that guarantee me everyday he say he want his logbook. I lie to him i take another loan and i give him small money for beer and persons of out.
To stop them pressuring auctioneers, i would visit the bank and tell them from next month i will pay, telling them my business was stolen by armed gangsters and i am doing something to recover. I told them to look at me good, i am like Phoenix bird that dies and come back alive younger and more energy. They would listen and tell me to pay what i can small small until i get many money. I deposit 3 k and another three months go without paying.
That time, Equity had very listening customer care at recovery office at Mundi Mbingu at that time.( I hear they now have employed people trained at Kiganjo to man the recovery section. The way they talk and handle you is Kiganjo stylo copyright). I tell them lies how gangster rob my shop and all stock and they feel sorry, but tell me to work harder because Equity is not for my mother.
One day, i beat one deal and got money. I paid them up and until it remain 25k and poverty come back again. I decided to sell my car which equity was holding documents. When i put in Nation classified ad, many people call and when they come and see the car, they say they will call me. I know they were going back angry asking why they wasted their time to come all the way and view the junk. The first offer i got was Ksh. 120K but told myself i can get more. How long i was is only God knows. The offers went down to 90k and i was hoping i can get the man that say he can pay 120k.
When the heat was too much, one guy come to me he want to buy the car. He said he can give 60k. to clear the loan first so that log book can be released.
He agreed and say he will clear loan first and pay balance after he collect logbook. After i got logbook, i call him to come collect logbook and clear my balance. He say he has thinked otherwise, he want his 25k back and i should go and collect my car. I never called him again, i just tolded myself that i had sold the car for 25K! (But i still hold the logbook, but who needs that car?)
If Equity had 10,000 customers like me, they would have gone to poverty long time. I guess they had like 5k like me those days, that is why they never use to make the billions they make today. From that day, i became unloanworthy with Equity and i vukad to big banks, although to get loan in those bank it is like touching moon with hand. Some ask to see even my granfather and his birth certificates. But what do i do? cant go back to Equity, they cannot give me even 2 shillings overdraft. I hope they will never share my story with other banks, now that i hear something called Credit something has come calling. God help Wanjohi.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Today it mark 9 yrs since i paid my last ever loan with Equity, when it was EQUITY. Those days, it was real muiganania. It was such a painful experience though. Read on and clap for me for finally repaying them first.
I started with Equity when it was a building society, then to bank with ATM. Those days, we used to casually walk in the credit section and you tell the cashier you need 20k to go drink changaa. Within 5 minutes, the money would be in your account. I know its no longer that way because of the way they saw fire from the likes of Wanjohi.
When they introduced ATM, Theuri showed me how to give yourself loan from the bank. After removing money you get on loan from account from the counter, their system was so slow that it did not deduct from your account until evening. So, after wiping the money in account over the counter we would rush to the ATM and remove the maximum an ATM could. Tomorrow, when we make money, we repay all. They never used to ask us why we were doing that although it was criminal. They needed us most and anyway, it was our bank.
One day, my business expanded and i needed to beg big money. Anything above 50, one had to bring security. I told you before i had an old Toyota K70 car. I bought the car after i saw a friend of mine with a Toyota G-touring, so i thought it was also an equal car, save it was more aged. After all, the previous owner was old lady and only used to use the car to go to church and funerals only and i hear she never use to carry anybody in the car, so you can imagine the condition *wink* *wink*
But i have good advise for you. Never buy a very very old car like that. Whether the previous owner bought it and parked it at home until that time want to sell, or it was owned by Indian man. It is like paying to get problem. If you see somebody driving such an old car, salute them. You cannot drive such a car without at least 2k in pocket because, anytime, it will ask for some money. Another thing, you need to employ a full time mechanic if you want to save on repairing cost.
For me, i thank God i bought an old car because, it made me a mechanic literally without going to Kenya polly to read mechanical engineer. Everyday, it would have problems. From brakes, to wipers not working (but if the wiper doent work, no problem, buy omo and spill on screen. It will wipe better than wipers), clutches, lights, signals, horns, shocks (but you dont need the shocks anyway), door refuse to open (one day, i went to climb somebody and when i park at place of room, pasager door refuse to open), window refuse to wind down , steering wheel refuse to turn fast, name them. In other words, everyday, i had to go to Grogon. I was known by every mechanic there and i had known all holes to buy second hand spares, including legs.
I remember one day i go to Nakuru then brakes problem, refusing to stop in emergency. I knew cold had entered. I take to a garage and when they finish removing cold, they ask me to give them money. I gave them 80 bob and the owner ask me what 80 bob was for. I tell him that is what i pay to remove cold. He looked at me and smile with anger, then gave me back my 80 shilling and add another 100 bob, he say i go drink tea with the 100bob, removing cold is free, not 80bob. Another experience i got was that if you want cheap mechanic, go to where you will see taxi and matatus. If a mechanic doent make taxis and matatus, he is damn expensive.
Away from my old car, i wented to bank and begged for 400k. They ask for security and bring log book and a guarantor that also have a local Nissan Hardbody. Next day, i got money already in the account, we agreed i pay 80k per month for 6 months, then after that, they can give me double the money for bigger business.
I wented and added stock and some money, added music on my car and decorate (i hear it is called souping car). I became popular with people of skirt, now that i could afford to take them to Mike Rua. The coffee riped and made money like satan. But Satan is another one. After two months, the owner of exhibition come and say he want to renovate shop. The satan does not like people of God progressing. When landlord finish renovating, he say we pay goodwill of one million per shop. I refused and wented to another shop. That was the end of me. Not one customer would come. I would sit there, eat my lips waiting for customers but where. No customer come, only those just inquiring and stuff until i want to get removed devil. (By the way, you see those many exhibition, many people always worry because it is expensive to maintain shop. Shop go for rent of 50k per month, so you can imagine how much you are supposed to make per day to break even. Those who survive well are women because when business is about to go to poverty, they go to their men and they inject more money)
Within 3 months, my business had gone to poverty, it was not even enough to pay employees at times. Equity began getting worry. They call me everyday and i go with a cooked story until i couldnt cook more story. I had to stop going or answering their phones. They write to me many letters that they will take me to court to recover their money and cost but i could not do anything. I was damn broke lass.
Since they had the logbook, they instructed the auctioneers to look for my ca. Auctioneer look for the car but where, i had hidden it somewhere they could not see. When i got wind that they were looking for guarantors car as well, i looked for the auctoneers. I talked to them bad with anger and tell them that "Equity ti kwa nyina" (Equity is not for their mother) . I tell them that the owner of Pickup is real brother of the then Mungiki leader Ndura Waruingi. I tell them i know where they live and if they try something silly, their head will be hanged in stage on a tree. I gave them 10k to go drink Chang'aa kwa Ruben. Later, they tell me that they have never seen a person that talk to them bad when they want to take their car, people beg them, including big people in government. I was only playing a psychological game and knew that if it failed, it would hit back on me badly like thunder.
After three months, auctioneers get pressure from bank, if they dont get the cars, they will get other auctioneers. That only meant giving auctioneers more money and more threats, although they tell me i have to pay loan since bank can get other auctioneers. Everyday, i get letters from bank, and the guy that guarantee me everyday he say he want his logbook. I lie to him i take another loan and i give him small money for beer and persons of out.
To stop them pressuring auctioneers, i would visit the bank and tell them from next month i will pay, telling them my business was stolen by armed gangsters and i am doing something to recover. I told them to look at me good, i am like Phoenix bird that dies and come back alive younger and more energy. They would listen and tell me to pay what i can small small until i get many money. I deposit 3 k and another three months go without paying.
That time, Equity had very listening customer care at recovery office at Mundi Mbingu at that time.( I hear they now have employed people trained at Kiganjo to man the recovery section. The way they talk and handle you is Kiganjo stylo copyright). I tell them lies how gangster rob my shop and all stock and they feel sorry, but tell me to work harder because Equity is not for my mother.
One day, i beat one deal and got money. I paid them up and until it remain 25k and poverty come back again. I decided to sell my car which equity was holding documents. When i put in Nation classified ad, many people call and when they come and see the car, they say they will call me. I know they were going back angry asking why they wasted their time to come all the way and view the junk. The first offer i got was Ksh. 120K but told myself i can get more. How long i was is only God knows. The offers went down to 90k and i was hoping i can get the man that say he can pay 120k.
When the heat was too much, one guy come to me he want to buy the car. He said he can give 60k. to clear the loan first so that log book can be released.
He agreed and say he will clear loan first and pay balance after he collect logbook. After i got logbook, i call him to come collect logbook and clear my balance. He say he has thinked otherwise, he want his 25k back and i should go and collect my car. I never called him again, i just tolded myself that i had sold the car for 25K! (But i still hold the logbook, but who needs that car?)
If Equity had 10,000 customers like me, they would have gone to poverty long time. I guess they had like 5k like me those days, that is why they never use to make the billions they make today. From that day, i became unloanworthy with Equity and i vukad to big banks, although to get loan in those bank it is like touching moon with hand. Some ask to see even my granfather and his birth certificates. But what do i do? cant go back to Equity, they cannot give me even 2 shillings overdraft. I hope they will never share my story with other banks, now that i hear something called Credit something has come calling. God help Wanjohi.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Theuri Snatches My Yellow Yellow
Some people are not always the best people to hang around with all time. Theuri is one of them. Besides talking too much, he always have yellow yellow around him. Its not problem to have woman all time but its problem when he is the only one that has woman and insist the bill to be put one, then when we end drinking, we harambee equally (except the woman), even if she its Opra Winfrey. Besides that, when all of us drink sugar free Summit lager, he drink Tusker malt, those small beer that come double double and mostly drunked by rich people and ladies (I have permanently switched to Summit, i didnt know they put sugar on Tusker, that is why we get stomach like pregnant people). Tusker malt is also sugar free, i hear but the price is too prohibitive and the content is too small, only rich people can afford.
But at times, i like him too because he is creative. When the pocket is not good, he showed me how to survive. We go to shop that sell on spirits on wholesale, buy half Gilbey's each and hide it in pocket. So, when we go to bar, we seat in corner, we only ask for water and a tot each. Slowly slowly, we pour the sniked Gilbey's in our glasses and enjoy the savings. The waiters will look at us all throughout night and refuse to know how a tot can make us drunk. I know we are headed to that corner when Theuri calls 'Wanjovi, weikaire atia ' (Wanjohi, how do you stay). I say 'ndire kindu umuthi' (i have nothing today) then he say 'tukorane kwa Mutua tukonge Mubera (lets meet at Mutuas we suck Mubera) Mutua sell on wholesale. Thats creativity i like in theuri.
But you do not want to be with Theuri all the time especially when you have a yellow yellow and he doent have one. One such time was like on Friday but as fate would have it, Theuri did not have a person. All his side kicks had travel led to the village. We were also with Matakwei, the guy that used to eat Esther, a model that was almost runners up in her college in the late 90s. We call him Matakwei because, he has got alot of dents on his face. Most of the dents he has are as a results of bar brawls. Despite the many dents he has, he eats the finest persons in town. Akuku was also there. He resembles Mr. Okafor of Clinic Matters, the comedy that that airs on NTV. You feel like laughing just watching at Akuku. Atleast you know know i dont just watch Citizen eh. We nicknamed him Akuku because we have never seen him with same woman two times. He say if you want to escape mneck, dont eat one woman two times because you will never be tempted to eat her without makobosto.
As time went by, after several Summits, i felt i needed somebody to beat tree. I remembered one girl I had met earlier through a friend and called her there there. From where she was, she told me she did not have fare, and immediately, i mpesad her Kshs. 125, to include withdrawing fee. When she came, she told me she is pupil at a local university doing computerized secretary. When i asked which uni, she say Kenya poly University. I dont know if there is such university but if its real, I will go and enroll there, do some few packages like Ms Access and Dos and have a certificate with university logo on it so when people ask me if i have goed to university, i will say yes and show the certificate. Now i will count myself to have gone to university. I thank the government if it is indeed true.
Theuri was aware that i did not know the girl well and he told himself that can steal her. As if it was him paying the bill alone, he was the one always calling waiters to bring more drinks and in loud voice. That was not the problem, the problem was the stories that he start to give to us:
' Wanjohi, aa you remember Jenifer, the girl you bring to me. She is behave like small baby. She make me pay room and when we go upstairs, she refuse refuse. I dont beg small woman, so i had to leave. Infact i did not tell her i am going, i just put clothes on and leave 2k on table so that she can use it for bus fare in the morning.'
I see my person shift attention and become more attentive to Theuri. I knew what was going through her mind... 'Who is this man that leave 2k on table when Wanjohi wa Kigogoine only send enough money for fare. What if he had climbed her, it would have been 10k'. Theuri as is known cannot give somebody of out his hard earned money just like that. We knew it was lie but we let him continue. When he see the girl is now more interested in his stories, he goes on
' Pollyn has no thank you. She has no doer of good. After i made her written somewhere at good salary of 30K, she does not come to me anymore. And the way when she had problem i used to send her 5 k every week. Women will always be women. Na ni nie nda kahakire maguta, gatioi guithamba (I am the one that smear oil on her, she did not know how to bath)'
'But one woman that will never forget me is Carol. Carol i used to hammer her 7 shots in one night. She used to salivate at my big josto which can only rival those of ancient Egyptian which is mentioned in Ezekiel 23:19-20 'Their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of horses' Still no ending his stories, he continues
'Tell this angel to look for me a baby that looks like her exactly. Get me a baby that want to be pampered, that want to be helped. I want a girl i can keep, i hire a house for her provided she does not bring men there. I can kill somebody if she bring men in a house i am paying. I can even marry her because my wife is going to USA on greencard, but i cannot go there myself to be watchman or washing old women.' The girl's attention was now fixed at Theuri more than before. When i went to the latrine, Theuri took her number very fast. I dont know why some girls get attracted to bad boys like Theuri.I think i will borrow his tyle.
When i came back from latrine, Theuri continued 'Wanjohi, you should take this girl tomorrow in exhibition and buy her some nice stuff. This girl is not even exhibition type, take her to Mr. Price. When you buy stuff in exhibition, you will see the same stuff with another person. They dont have unique things. And when you take her, tell her to come along with her look alike and I will buy her stuff too, whether she will like me or not, just out of good heart'
When i saw Theuri was taking over literally, even from some ladies that were seated next table and had their men, i interject and to show them that i am also big business person.
' You know Theuri, whenever i start business and it fail, it is the business that fail,. not me. I never fail. When i write a driver for my trucks, i tell them i have license but i will never be a truck driver. I tell them when i go to CMC to buy trucks of local make, i dont have idea who driver will be. If they screw the lorry and it goes poverty, the next thing i would do is to sell the lorry to scrap metal dealers. I am a baad man.'
After sipping more Summit, i continue ' You see, when i open a new business, i tell the people i write that i did not go to university, they went to universities and colleges to run my businesses. Like this girl, she is in university, she reads and come to me for job. If they run down the business and it fall , they will be jobless and i will open another one and write other people' The more i drunked Summit, the more irrelevant i becoming and less attention i was getting.
I told her it was time to go. We had agreed we were to climb one another and we headed to room after sharing the bill equally the four of us. I was the winner this time because the yellow yellow was taking Redds. When in room i had her phone cry with sms. I peeped and saw it was sms from Theuri reading ' Dont give Wanjohi. Refuse to remove pantie for him kabisa. I have some dollar i wanted to pass to you but i forget. When he goes away, give me a call. Ok?'
I pretended i did not see the sms and when she came, she tell me 'Wanjohi you know what, we cant do today. Its our first time to be together. I cant give you on first date.' I asked her what will have changed tomorrow or if she had left the pussie in home and she continued:
' Again sweetie, i did not want to tell you this but imagine my month has come. I have started raining, we cant do each other'. I knew it was lie and i tell her she go bath, i dont mind even when she was seing. If indeed she was seeing, it is illegal in my language, but Theuri had told me long time that if one is seeing, just insert small and remove. If you do that, another day when she is not raining, she will not refuse. If a woman give you one time, she can give you another countless times. (Kamaru the man that sing songs of Satan, then song of God and now is singing songs of satan again said one day that some ladies put Tomato sauce to lie to men that they are seeing). All in all, i was not in the mood. Summit was taking its toll on me. I left the room like chicken that had been rained on. When she asked for bus fare, i told her i will come in morning to drop her.
Tomorrow of that day we meet with Theuri and he tell me how he eat the girl and Makobosto burst. But i know its not that they burst, i have heard from him before how he check if a lady is Mneck infected. There is a way he checks eyes, if he see whitish whitish, he knows she is infected. Again, he knows a person using ARVs. If he see mandazi checks, he say she is likely using ARVs.
So, he borrow permission from me to call the girl because he felt like climbing her again. He say when he remembers how she spins and cries during the climbing session, his josto become hard as iron. I tell him to call, but he will pay her bill, i will not agree to share the bill. When she come, she come dressed like people of Koinange. Very tight trouser made of stockings material, you can see the punani very well. Even how she is shaved, small hair remain was seable. I tell Theuri in his ear that he ate a person of trapping thinking is a pupil at university of Kenya Polly. Theuri get scared so much that when we met on Sunday when the Arsenal were beaten 3 goals by a team i cant remember, he was convinced that that yellow yellow do trapping business.
He said he wanted to confirm his worse fears. He call her with another phone and change voice and say ' Hello, Chot ni ngafi? (shot is how much) Since she was in noisy place, she say she cant hear well. It is then that Theuri say ' niko na mia tatu. nikam?(I have 3sock, can i come?) she say 'yes, come fast am about to go home' then theuri say ' Unategea area gani leo?(where are you trapping today) and she say 'Hapa Ambasador' Theuri then cut phone and got convinced that she indeed to trapping somewhere.
I dont know if it was mis-comunication or what but i think Theuri just ate a person of trapping thinking it is a yellow yellow he steal from me. He is a worried man. I am also convinced because that day, she talk with many phones and texts many times. I was thinking she was fbking but later came to know it was texting. Kwisha Theuri.
In the meantime, if the government refuse to bring fuel price further down, we need to teach them a lesson. If you cant left your car at home (but dont walk to work oh, sio government itachoka, ni wewe), when in the jam, dont left your engine running. switch it off and when the jam open, restart the car. If you are driving kwa muteremko, put your car on neutral or free, if you drive the rare manual car. I learnt that when i was doing taxi business. In such a move, you deny the government the fuel tax revenue because you will consume less oil.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
But at times, i like him too because he is creative. When the pocket is not good, he showed me how to survive. We go to shop that sell on spirits on wholesale, buy half Gilbey's each and hide it in pocket. So, when we go to bar, we seat in corner, we only ask for water and a tot each. Slowly slowly, we pour the sniked Gilbey's in our glasses and enjoy the savings. The waiters will look at us all throughout night and refuse to know how a tot can make us drunk. I know we are headed to that corner when Theuri calls 'Wanjovi, weikaire atia ' (Wanjohi, how do you stay). I say 'ndire kindu umuthi' (i have nothing today) then he say 'tukorane kwa Mutua tukonge Mubera (lets meet at Mutuas we suck Mubera) Mutua sell on wholesale. Thats creativity i like in theuri.
But you do not want to be with Theuri all the time especially when you have a yellow yellow and he doent have one. One such time was like on Friday but as fate would have it, Theuri did not have a person. All his side kicks had travel led to the village. We were also with Matakwei, the guy that used to eat Esther, a model that was almost runners up in her college in the late 90s. We call him Matakwei because, he has got alot of dents on his face. Most of the dents he has are as a results of bar brawls. Despite the many dents he has, he eats the finest persons in town. Akuku was also there. He resembles Mr. Okafor of Clinic Matters, the comedy that that airs on NTV. You feel like laughing just watching at Akuku. Atleast you know know i dont just watch Citizen eh. We nicknamed him Akuku because we have never seen him with same woman two times. He say if you want to escape mneck, dont eat one woman two times because you will never be tempted to eat her without makobosto.
As time went by, after several Summits, i felt i needed somebody to beat tree. I remembered one girl I had met earlier through a friend and called her there there. From where she was, she told me she did not have fare, and immediately, i mpesad her Kshs. 125, to include withdrawing fee. When she came, she told me she is pupil at a local university doing computerized secretary. When i asked which uni, she say Kenya poly University. I dont know if there is such university but if its real, I will go and enroll there, do some few packages like Ms Access and Dos and have a certificate with university logo on it so when people ask me if i have goed to university, i will say yes and show the certificate. Now i will count myself to have gone to university. I thank the government if it is indeed true.
Theuri was aware that i did not know the girl well and he told himself that can steal her. As if it was him paying the bill alone, he was the one always calling waiters to bring more drinks and in loud voice. That was not the problem, the problem was the stories that he start to give to us:
' Wanjohi, aa you remember Jenifer, the girl you bring to me. She is behave like small baby. She make me pay room and when we go upstairs, she refuse refuse. I dont beg small woman, so i had to leave. Infact i did not tell her i am going, i just put clothes on and leave 2k on table so that she can use it for bus fare in the morning.'
I see my person shift attention and become more attentive to Theuri. I knew what was going through her mind... 'Who is this man that leave 2k on table when Wanjohi wa Kigogoine only send enough money for fare. What if he had climbed her, it would have been 10k'. Theuri as is known cannot give somebody of out his hard earned money just like that. We knew it was lie but we let him continue. When he see the girl is now more interested in his stories, he goes on
' Pollyn has no thank you. She has no doer of good. After i made her written somewhere at good salary of 30K, she does not come to me anymore. And the way when she had problem i used to send her 5 k every week. Women will always be women. Na ni nie nda kahakire maguta, gatioi guithamba (I am the one that smear oil on her, she did not know how to bath)'
'But one woman that will never forget me is Carol. Carol i used to hammer her 7 shots in one night. She used to salivate at my big josto which can only rival those of ancient Egyptian which is mentioned in Ezekiel 23:19-20 'Their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of horses' Still no ending his stories, he continues
'Tell this angel to look for me a baby that looks like her exactly. Get me a baby that want to be pampered, that want to be helped. I want a girl i can keep, i hire a house for her provided she does not bring men there. I can kill somebody if she bring men in a house i am paying. I can even marry her because my wife is going to USA on greencard, but i cannot go there myself to be watchman or washing old women.' The girl's attention was now fixed at Theuri more than before. When i went to the latrine, Theuri took her number very fast. I dont know why some girls get attracted to bad boys like Theuri.I think i will borrow his tyle.
When i came back from latrine, Theuri continued 'Wanjohi, you should take this girl tomorrow in exhibition and buy her some nice stuff. This girl is not even exhibition type, take her to Mr. Price. When you buy stuff in exhibition, you will see the same stuff with another person. They dont have unique things. And when you take her, tell her to come along with her look alike and I will buy her stuff too, whether she will like me or not, just out of good heart'
When i saw Theuri was taking over literally, even from some ladies that were seated next table and had their men, i interject and to show them that i am also big business person.
' You know Theuri, whenever i start business and it fail, it is the business that fail,. not me. I never fail. When i write a driver for my trucks, i tell them i have license but i will never be a truck driver. I tell them when i go to CMC to buy trucks of local make, i dont have idea who driver will be. If they screw the lorry and it goes poverty, the next thing i would do is to sell the lorry to scrap metal dealers. I am a baad man.'
After sipping more Summit, i continue ' You see, when i open a new business, i tell the people i write that i did not go to university, they went to universities and colleges to run my businesses. Like this girl, she is in university, she reads and come to me for job. If they run down the business and it fall , they will be jobless and i will open another one and write other people' The more i drunked Summit, the more irrelevant i becoming and less attention i was getting.
I told her it was time to go. We had agreed we were to climb one another and we headed to room after sharing the bill equally the four of us. I was the winner this time because the yellow yellow was taking Redds. When in room i had her phone cry with sms. I peeped and saw it was sms from Theuri reading ' Dont give Wanjohi. Refuse to remove pantie for him kabisa. I have some dollar i wanted to pass to you but i forget. When he goes away, give me a call. Ok?'
I pretended i did not see the sms and when she came, she tell me 'Wanjohi you know what, we cant do today. Its our first time to be together. I cant give you on first date.' I asked her what will have changed tomorrow or if she had left the pussie in home and she continued:
' Again sweetie, i did not want to tell you this but imagine my month has come. I have started raining, we cant do each other'. I knew it was lie and i tell her she go bath, i dont mind even when she was seing. If indeed she was seeing, it is illegal in my language, but Theuri had told me long time that if one is seeing, just insert small and remove. If you do that, another day when she is not raining, she will not refuse. If a woman give you one time, she can give you another countless times. (Kamaru the man that sing songs of Satan, then song of God and now is singing songs of satan again said one day that some ladies put Tomato sauce to lie to men that they are seeing). All in all, i was not in the mood. Summit was taking its toll on me. I left the room like chicken that had been rained on. When she asked for bus fare, i told her i will come in morning to drop her.
Tomorrow of that day we meet with Theuri and he tell me how he eat the girl and Makobosto burst. But i know its not that they burst, i have heard from him before how he check if a lady is Mneck infected. There is a way he checks eyes, if he see whitish whitish, he knows she is infected. Again, he knows a person using ARVs. If he see mandazi checks, he say she is likely using ARVs.
So, he borrow permission from me to call the girl because he felt like climbing her again. He say when he remembers how she spins and cries during the climbing session, his josto become hard as iron. I tell him to call, but he will pay her bill, i will not agree to share the bill. When she come, she come dressed like people of Koinange. Very tight trouser made of stockings material, you can see the punani very well. Even how she is shaved, small hair remain was seable. I tell Theuri in his ear that he ate a person of trapping thinking is a pupil at university of Kenya Polly. Theuri get scared so much that when we met on Sunday when the Arsenal were beaten 3 goals by a team i cant remember, he was convinced that that yellow yellow do trapping business.
He said he wanted to confirm his worse fears. He call her with another phone and change voice and say ' Hello, Chot ni ngafi? (shot is how much) Since she was in noisy place, she say she cant hear well. It is then that Theuri say ' niko na mia tatu. nikam?(I have 3sock, can i come?) she say 'yes, come fast am about to go home' then theuri say ' Unategea area gani leo?(where are you trapping today) and she say 'Hapa Ambasador' Theuri then cut phone and got convinced that she indeed to trapping somewhere.
I dont know if it was mis-comunication or what but i think Theuri just ate a person of trapping thinking it is a yellow yellow he steal from me. He is a worried man. I am also convinced because that day, she talk with many phones and texts many times. I was thinking she was fbking but later came to know it was texting. Kwisha Theuri.
In the meantime, if the government refuse to bring fuel price further down, we need to teach them a lesson. If you cant left your car at home (but dont walk to work oh, sio government itachoka, ni wewe), when in the jam, dont left your engine running. switch it off and when the jam open, restart the car. If you are driving kwa muteremko, put your car on neutral or free, if you drive the rare manual car. I learnt that when i was doing taxi business. In such a move, you deny the government the fuel tax revenue because you will consume less oil.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
VCT Experience: Getting Measured is No Joke
There is nothing that sends chill down Theuri's spine like the mention of VCT. Theuri tells me that he can never be measured because, after all, there is no cure for Mneck. So, it matters less to be measured. Another friend of mine does not pass VCT. Whenever he see a tent measuring people, he hops in and get measured. He say he get measured every 3 months, although we advise him to go slow.
One day, Theuri wife got pregnant and because she wanted to be measured together with Theuri, she lied to Theuri they go to clinic together. Once in clinic, they were told to enter for measuring. Immediately Theuri heard that, disappeared in thin. Wife looked for him all over, tried to call him but he was not picking phone. He went to bar and drunk the whole day. He got sober when wife smsed that she is free. That reminded me one day i had to be measured insurance say we must.
That morning of going to VCT, I could not make up my mind if indeed i wanted to be measured. I was not sure if i was ok or not because before, i had climbed somebody without makobosto and another time, makobosto burst leaving a ring. We have all, at one time been in shit. At one time, in a way, i know there was that time you were climbing somebody and when you finish, when you remove your tree, you see makobosto rolled down at the end of tree. When you look closer, you see a ring. Now, you start to imagine that you are dead. But to say that you found ring is just to pretend or to lie to yourself. When Makobosto burst, you must know because you feel the change... more warmth, you know. In such situation, you are supposed to remove your tree very fast and go to bathroom and wash with cold water. I hear the virus dont like cold things, but dont quote me.
Because i did not want to faint infront of the PM , i decided to go to VCT alone first. I took a Mat and went all the way to Thika to be measured. I knew that no one knew me there and incase the results said am walking dead, no one would know. In the VCT, as usual, many questions like of maternity. I had to cut him short. I told him to measure me i dont need stories of giants. After measuring, the attendant started again, asking questions that almost made me think that i am done.
"Have you eaten a person without Makobosto? I said yes. He then asked "do u know how mneck is spread. I said yes, including Kinyozi. He continued to ask question until I felt like punching him and i think he sensed coz he gave me the good news immediately. I was so happy that i even handed over 200 bob but he refused. He said he was doing his job. Very happy, i went and took the first lady immediately to the insurance's recommended hospital. I did not tell her that i had been to another VCT. From then, i vowed never to touch any other woman. I am not sure how long that lasted but sometimes later, i found myself on top of another woman. But i never forget makobosto, come what may.
Have a fabulous Easter and before i go, I was with Theuri yesterday during Loser's (Arsenal) match. Theuri started his stories again. If you dont know Theuri, he is a friend of mine who never keep his mouth shut. You tell him a story today and tomorrow he forget and tell you the same story. I had read a ka storo in klist about a guy that went to a neighbors latrine only to find that the flash was spoilt . I told Theuri that story, about a week ago and jana, Theuri started:
"You know Wanjohi, last week i pinched my ear and i vowed never to use latrine of other people houses again." I asked him why and he continued
" You know Baba Stella. I went there for dinner as we talk business and all of a sudden, i felt like going for big demand. So i asked to be shown the latrine. I went and helped myself and when it was time to flash, it flash with small speed so, nothing goes away. So i wait until the basin fills up to flash again. It took 10 minutes to fill the basin and when i flash again, it still flash slowly. i lived in that latrine for more than one hour not knowing what to do. The smell fill the whole house. Then, Mama Stella came to check if i die in toilet and..... "
Since i was the one that give him that story before, i do not let him finish. I tell him he has no good head, just like Safaricom. Jana i saw an ad, full page advert saying that they have a new package where you can browse internet at Kshs. 2/Minute. I first thought it was a typo, maybe they meant two cents until somebody from Safaricon confirmed that to me. Somebody should tell the Bob fella to step slowly or he fall Safaricom. Does that sound like Safaricons have good head really? Who is their mother? Their head and Theuri's is look alike.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
One day, Theuri wife got pregnant and because she wanted to be measured together with Theuri, she lied to Theuri they go to clinic together. Once in clinic, they were told to enter for measuring. Immediately Theuri heard that, disappeared in thin. Wife looked for him all over, tried to call him but he was not picking phone. He went to bar and drunk the whole day. He got sober when wife smsed that she is free. That reminded me one day i had to be measured insurance say we must.
That morning of going to VCT, I could not make up my mind if indeed i wanted to be measured. I was not sure if i was ok or not because before, i had climbed somebody without makobosto and another time, makobosto burst leaving a ring. We have all, at one time been in shit. At one time, in a way, i know there was that time you were climbing somebody and when you finish, when you remove your tree, you see makobosto rolled down at the end of tree. When you look closer, you see a ring. Now, you start to imagine that you are dead. But to say that you found ring is just to pretend or to lie to yourself. When Makobosto burst, you must know because you feel the change... more warmth, you know. In such situation, you are supposed to remove your tree very fast and go to bathroom and wash with cold water. I hear the virus dont like cold things, but dont quote me.
Because i did not want to faint infront of the PM , i decided to go to VCT alone first. I took a Mat and went all the way to Thika to be measured. I knew that no one knew me there and incase the results said am walking dead, no one would know. In the VCT, as usual, many questions like of maternity. I had to cut him short. I told him to measure me i dont need stories of giants. After measuring, the attendant started again, asking questions that almost made me think that i am done.
"Have you eaten a person without Makobosto? I said yes. He then asked "do u know how mneck is spread. I said yes, including Kinyozi. He continued to ask question until I felt like punching him and i think he sensed coz he gave me the good news immediately. I was so happy that i even handed over 200 bob but he refused. He said he was doing his job. Very happy, i went and took the first lady immediately to the insurance's recommended hospital. I did not tell her that i had been to another VCT. From then, i vowed never to touch any other woman. I am not sure how long that lasted but sometimes later, i found myself on top of another woman. But i never forget makobosto, come what may.
Have a fabulous Easter and before i go, I was with Theuri yesterday during Loser's (Arsenal) match. Theuri started his stories again. If you dont know Theuri, he is a friend of mine who never keep his mouth shut. You tell him a story today and tomorrow he forget and tell you the same story. I had read a ka storo in klist about a guy that went to a neighbors latrine only to find that the flash was spoilt . I told Theuri that story, about a week ago and jana, Theuri started:
"You know Wanjohi, last week i pinched my ear and i vowed never to use latrine of other people houses again." I asked him why and he continued
" You know Baba Stella. I went there for dinner as we talk business and all of a sudden, i felt like going for big demand. So i asked to be shown the latrine. I went and helped myself and when it was time to flash, it flash with small speed so, nothing goes away. So i wait until the basin fills up to flash again. It took 10 minutes to fill the basin and when i flash again, it still flash slowly. i lived in that latrine for more than one hour not knowing what to do. The smell fill the whole house. Then, Mama Stella came to check if i die in toilet and..... "
Since i was the one that give him that story before, i do not let him finish. I tell him he has no good head, just like Safaricom. Jana i saw an ad, full page advert saying that they have a new package where you can browse internet at Kshs. 2/Minute. I first thought it was a typo, maybe they meant two cents until somebody from Safaricon confirmed that to me. Somebody should tell the Bob fella to step slowly or he fall Safaricom. Does that sound like Safaricons have good head really? Who is their mother? Their head and Theuri's is look alike.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Not Everything That Shine Is Gold All The Time
Not everything that shine is gold. Thats a golden rule and Theuri bears testimony after an experience he had the other day. But i'm of the opinion that Theuri deserved that, 100%. I say that because, Theuri takes people of out for granted at times. Theuri has several people of out and as he put it, they fall in several categories. There are those that must drink his beer and eat his money before being climbed. Then, there are those that are available at any time of the day he comes calling, even if its at midnight. they dont call him, its him that calls them. Then, there are those ones that he doent go out with, but whenever he feels like pouring he goes to their house, eat things and go home. No more attachment.
Last Sunday, i was with him at a place called Harris tavern, somewhere near Kayole and Umoja during Arsenal Liverpool match. He told me its long since he ate somebody and he was determined to eat one that day, although he did not have money. I told him the best thing is to call one of his many categories and when she come, he should not give her the opportunity to choose what to drink. When she sit down, he should ask her "Ukunyua soda nini kana nene" (which soda are you going to drink, small or big?). In such a way, she cannot say "black ice" or "Redds" that come double double. She will say "Fanta or Sprite ndogo"
Theuri thought for a moment and told me my idea is not good. He remembered Shiru that live in Kayole gwa shifu. He took his phone and dialed Shiru's number
" We wi nyumba?" (Are you house?) She said yes.
Theuri: "Thambia murigo nindiroka kuonga kiria thaa ici. Sawa (Wash goods, i am cumming to suck nini right now. Ok? ).
Shiru: ni sawa, na unjukire na matano. ndi thi muno. (Its ok. come withe me 500bob. am down too much.
Between him and poverty after clearing our bill, he had 300 bob left, although his tank was full. He drank fuel full tank on 14th before Kiraitu added the petrol price. He tried to borrow me money but i refused. Theuri went and and tomorrow, he told me "mangai ndirongiruo muti wega ma na ndinakihe mbeca" (True God, i was sucked tree very well and i didnt give her money" He told me "ndarikia gukiria, ndirakira kinyumie hau nja (After finishing eating somebody, i told her to take me out).
Arabu? i asked.
tuama hau nja gatuma ini, ndirakine igana rimwe (when we went out i gave her 100bob) kiranjira"
" yani nakuomba soo tano unanipatia so?
Theuri is a careless talker. "ndirakirora na to ndirari muriu ndirakiuria kai choti irihagio mbia cigana ? (I looked at her and asked kwani how much is a shot?).
The lady started crying and asked theuri
"yani nie unguaga ta mumaraya? iii iiii (yani you carry me like prostitute *sobs* *sobs*). I told Theuri, he could have at least given her the three socs he had with him coz "ona ndungirakiongereire cia room akorwo no ugie na guts cia kumuria kai shoti ari mbia cigana na niui ti mumaraya? (You could have added money for room if you have guts to ask how much is shot and you know well she is not prostitute) Theuri said he can never make somebody happy and make himself sad. Quite true, isnt it?
When Theuri told me about that, i told him that is why he has so many incidence of being stolen by ladies or bad experiences because he has no respect for people of out.
I reminded him of an incidence he had, not long time ago. One day, Theuri meet a lady in a mat. Very fine girl, slim, nice legs and hair is like Borana. Theuri cannot keep mouth closed and he start to talk to the lady. He ask the lady her name and many questions. He ask the lady "Do u have husband?" she say yes. He then ask "Does he come home late and drunk? She say yes. Theuri tell the girl that if he become her husband, he will be coming home at 6PM and will not drink beer. She like Theuri and give him her number.
After two weeks or so, one Monday afternoon, Theuri see the girl call "Sasa Theuri. uko wapi? Theuri say he is town. The lady then tell Theuri she is at her house and bored and if Theuri can go visit her to remove boredom. The predator in him told him he has eaten somebody. He went to a chemist and bought makobosto, then planted a matatu no 4 and headed to eastleigh where the girl said she live.
He met the girl waiting for him and led him to her house. He was led through very dirty place in Easleigh to some gheto gheto house. When he enter house, the lady ask what soda he will take and he say he coke. When Theuri scans through the house, it looked very dingy for such a girl. Only bed and one stool and a stove at the corner.
After the soda, Theuri jumped on the girl and started touching touching her. After the loong romance, Theuri started eating somebody. He ate somebody and ate somebody and just when he poured, the lady jumped and started shouting " Leta pesa ya iyo shot kwanza. Na ufanye haraka sina time ya ku waste na wewe (bring money for that shot very fast. I have no time to waste with you. This came as a shocker to Theuri. He did not expect that. He tried to calm the lady and ask how much she want and she say 2k. "shot ni thao mbili. nani alikwambia kuma ni ya bure? (shot is 2k. who told you vagina is for free?)
Theuri had 1k with him. He shaked so bad you would have thought he had Malaria. The lady was still shouting and Theuri heard some guys at the door laughing and telling him to pay. "wewe lipa mtu wa wenyewe. kukula ni kulipa!' . He knew that these were a 'cartel' like thugs and if he does not play smart, he will be finished. He could even hear somebody sharpening a panga outside. He started to think that by evening, he will be lying at City mortuary and how he will be buried, how his friends will come to his burial and how they will drink all beer at their shag's shopping centre. For sure, he knew his hours were numbered.
Theuri told the girl he had 1k and they can go to ATM and fetch the balance. That is when the girl allowed him to dress up. By sheer luck, a friend of Theuri called him on phone. They were to do some business and Theuri saw the opportunity to 'act'. He answered the phone and said
"hello crue, mmefika Garage? ile group nimeshika, ebu teremkeni hapa chini haraka na uambie akina Ruto wakuje pia haraka." The guy on the other end thought Theuri was drunk with bangi and cut phone.
There there, the lady came down and started begging Theuri not to catch her. "Pole sana. Sikuwa najua wewe ni police. Tafadhali, ngoja iyo iishe" The group that was outside waiting to pounce on theuri disappeared. Theuri could hear none of her pleas. "Unaniambia nini wewe sasa. ngoja nichukue crue hapa nje muone. Mnafikiri nyinyi ni werevu sana eh?
Theuri dashed out and in the corridor, he met one guy and shouted to him "Hata wewe uko kwa iyo group? The man froze and said he was not in the group, the group that work with that lady has disappeared. Theuri went almost running and when he reach road, he took a Mat very fast and came back to town. He was still shaking even when he reach town and narrate story to us. That is how he escaped from the trap. I dont know how many have ever fallen in such a trap. If you've never, next time you meet a thin lady with hair like Somali and she call you to her house, dont go. You might not be lucky this time round. There is also another very beautiful girl, she eat Miraa and Kubel and dress provocatively, her hunting area is Ngara, especially where Congolese men drink, just next to Postbank. Same style, but hers is done is lodgings. They draw with Watchment to intimidate you. Dont say i did not warn you.
Happy Easter!
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Last Sunday, i was with him at a place called Harris tavern, somewhere near Kayole and Umoja during Arsenal Liverpool match. He told me its long since he ate somebody and he was determined to eat one that day, although he did not have money. I told him the best thing is to call one of his many categories and when she come, he should not give her the opportunity to choose what to drink. When she sit down, he should ask her "Ukunyua soda nini kana nene" (which soda are you going to drink, small or big?). In such a way, she cannot say "black ice" or "Redds" that come double double. She will say "Fanta or Sprite ndogo"
Theuri thought for a moment and told me my idea is not good. He remembered Shiru that live in Kayole gwa shifu. He took his phone and dialed Shiru's number
" We wi nyumba?" (Are you house?) She said yes.
Theuri: "Thambia murigo nindiroka kuonga kiria thaa ici. Sawa (Wash goods, i am cumming to suck nini right now. Ok? ).
Shiru: ni sawa, na unjukire na matano. ndi thi muno. (Its ok. come withe me 500bob. am down too much.
Between him and poverty after clearing our bill, he had 300 bob left, although his tank was full. He drank fuel full tank on 14th before Kiraitu added the petrol price. He tried to borrow me money but i refused. Theuri went and and tomorrow, he told me "mangai ndirongiruo muti wega ma na ndinakihe mbeca" (True God, i was sucked tree very well and i didnt give her money" He told me "ndarikia gukiria, ndirakira kinyumie hau nja (After finishing eating somebody, i told her to take me out).
Arabu? i asked.
tuama hau nja gatuma ini, ndirakine igana rimwe (when we went out i gave her 100bob) kiranjira"
" yani nakuomba soo tano unanipatia so?
Theuri is a careless talker. "ndirakirora na to ndirari muriu ndirakiuria kai choti irihagio mbia cigana ? (I looked at her and asked kwani how much is a shot?).
The lady started crying and asked theuri
"yani nie unguaga ta mumaraya? iii iiii (yani you carry me like prostitute *sobs* *sobs*). I told Theuri, he could have at least given her the three socs he had with him coz "ona ndungirakiongereire cia room akorwo no ugie na guts cia kumuria kai shoti ari mbia cigana na niui ti mumaraya? (You could have added money for room if you have guts to ask how much is shot and you know well she is not prostitute) Theuri said he can never make somebody happy and make himself sad. Quite true, isnt it?
When Theuri told me about that, i told him that is why he has so many incidence of being stolen by ladies or bad experiences because he has no respect for people of out.
I reminded him of an incidence he had, not long time ago. One day, Theuri meet a lady in a mat. Very fine girl, slim, nice legs and hair is like Borana. Theuri cannot keep mouth closed and he start to talk to the lady. He ask the lady her name and many questions. He ask the lady "Do u have husband?" she say yes. He then ask "Does he come home late and drunk? She say yes. Theuri tell the girl that if he become her husband, he will be coming home at 6PM and will not drink beer. She like Theuri and give him her number.
Publish Post
After two weeks or so, one Monday afternoon, Theuri see the girl call "Sasa Theuri. uko wapi? Theuri say he is town. The lady then tell Theuri she is at her house and bored and if Theuri can go visit her to remove boredom. The predator in him told him he has eaten somebody. He went to a chemist and bought makobosto, then planted a matatu no 4 and headed to eastleigh where the girl said she live.
He met the girl waiting for him and led him to her house. He was led through very dirty place in Easleigh to some gheto gheto house. When he enter house, the lady ask what soda he will take and he say he coke. When Theuri scans through the house, it looked very dingy for such a girl. Only bed and one stool and a stove at the corner.
After the soda, Theuri jumped on the girl and started touching touching her. After the loong romance, Theuri started eating somebody. He ate somebody and ate somebody and just when he poured, the lady jumped and started shouting " Leta pesa ya iyo shot kwanza. Na ufanye haraka sina time ya ku waste na wewe (bring money for that shot very fast. I have no time to waste with you. This came as a shocker to Theuri. He did not expect that. He tried to calm the lady and ask how much she want and she say 2k. "shot ni thao mbili. nani alikwambia kuma ni ya bure? (shot is 2k. who told you vagina is for free?)
Theuri had 1k with him. He shaked so bad you would have thought he had Malaria. The lady was still shouting and Theuri heard some guys at the door laughing and telling him to pay. "wewe lipa mtu wa wenyewe. kukula ni kulipa!' . He knew that these were a 'cartel' like thugs and if he does not play smart, he will be finished. He could even hear somebody sharpening a panga outside. He started to think that by evening, he will be lying at City mortuary and how he will be buried, how his friends will come to his burial and how they will drink all beer at their shag's shopping centre. For sure, he knew his hours were numbered.
Theuri told the girl he had 1k and they can go to ATM and fetch the balance. That is when the girl allowed him to dress up. By sheer luck, a friend of Theuri called him on phone. They were to do some business and Theuri saw the opportunity to 'act'. He answered the phone and said
"hello crue, mmefika Garage? ile group nimeshika, ebu teremkeni hapa chini haraka na uambie akina Ruto wakuje pia haraka." The guy on the other end thought Theuri was drunk with bangi and cut phone.
There there, the lady came down and started begging Theuri not to catch her. "Pole sana. Sikuwa najua wewe ni police. Tafadhali, ngoja iyo iishe" The group that was outside waiting to pounce on theuri disappeared. Theuri could hear none of her pleas. "Unaniambia nini wewe sasa. ngoja nichukue crue hapa nje muone. Mnafikiri nyinyi ni werevu sana eh?
Theuri dashed out and in the corridor, he met one guy and shouted to him "Hata wewe uko kwa iyo group? The man froze and said he was not in the group, the group that work with that lady has disappeared. Theuri went almost running and when he reach road, he took a Mat very fast and came back to town. He was still shaking even when he reach town and narrate story to us. That is how he escaped from the trap. I dont know how many have ever fallen in such a trap. If you've never, next time you meet a thin lady with hair like Somali and she call you to her house, dont go. You might not be lucky this time round. There is also another very beautiful girl, she eat Miraa and Kubel and dress provocatively, her hunting area is Ngara, especially where Congolese men drink, just next to Postbank. Same style, but hers is done is lodgings. They draw with Watchment to intimidate you. Dont say i did not warn you.
Happy Easter!
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
First Hand Experience: The Ups And Down Of A Cab Driver
I have telled you before that there was time i had stepped on barefoot, yeah, for quit sometime. Luckily for me, i had an old car that i converted into taxi. During that 'dry' season, i was trapping near Nakumatt downtown, the one that was burnt by fire of gas, next to Nairobi stalls. During the day, my customers were people buying stuff from Nakumatt and at night, people coming from bars along Moi avenue and Kimathi street. That should tell you that i used to work for almost 24 hrs, especially from Friday to Sunday and holiday eves. And you say taxi business is easy. It is like Matatu drivers and conductors. Some of them work for 24hrs, so forgive them when they talk bad to you on road, it is because of working for loong hours.
During the day, when there were no customers, we used to sit on our cars' bonnet and beat stories. Around Nairobi stalls, i became very popular with ladies that were written around there. I befriended them and told them that when they want to go home at night, they should bring their business to me. If it was their boyfriends paying, whatever amount is paid, i will give them 30%. I happened to climb several of them in the process, and besides the tu-exhbitionists, i also happened to bump into others along the way. I remember one lady that i dated after making a kill, and when we sit in Jazz bar, her friends come and greet us. She introduce me to the girls as her boyfie. They smile and leave. Later, they meet in toilet and ask ' Ati you said who is that guy?' She say her new boyfie. They laugh loudly and tell her 'oooii nu utoi wanjohi. Kuri mundu mumaraya agakira wanjohi. Ngwiciria irima riria atari aingira exhibition icio cia Moi Ave no itarike (ooi who doesnt know Wanjohi. Is there a prostitute than Wanjohi. i think there is no hole in all Moi Ave. exbition he has never entered. The one he has never enter can be counted' When she came back to me, she looked so sad and refused to remove thururari for me.
Most of those i climbed were drunk and angry or frustrated by their boyfriends, others, their men winked at some girls in the club and in protest, they walk out on them. Others, their men must go home to their wives. Others, their friends that they came with in club were fungwad and they were unlucky that night and had to go home alone and still others, they come with jamaz, and the jamaz finish money and run away, leaving the poor girls in bars. If you dont know, those are the easiest category to lay at any time of the day. You will be lucky to meet such a girl at night. Kweli rongo?
I also had other categories that we got used to each so much that when i feel my tree stand small, i call them and ask:
'Hello, kianda nikwega' (Hello, is down good?) This was a mandatory question, and even now it is, unless you want to drive all the way and find the woman is raining. If they say yes, i tell them 'ndirenda guka kuhutia tiita' (I want to come and touch the clit). They would say 'kai uruaraga wanjohi. No uka nitukuona ' (do u get sick wanjohi? but come we will see. ) Others i would call and tell them, ' ndoka hau nja hanyu uke thuruari i mutwe' (when i come at your gate, come with thuruari on head)
Away from that, today, i will tell you my worst experience with people of out. One day, my customer call me. She say she is at Psys, Langata rd and when she is drunk, she does not drive. She ask me to go drive her home with my taxi. I went and found her with her lady friends. She told me to sit and have one. I have never been known for refusing free beer. After several drinks, we dance and she start to touch me. She even touch my josto and she say ' Not bad'. I dont touch her immediately as i fear because she looks like someone with alot of money. When you are broke, there is that ka tendency of fearing people with alot of money. Have you ever gone to a hotel with money for tea only and find people eating Kuku and nyama? One ask himself, ' how is it one can afford that. I hope you get what i mean? It also happens to the opposite. When you have alot of money, you refuse to know why people dont have money.
All the ladies she was with were all looking wealthy and beautiful in face, but have big stomach thus removing marks. They talk big and when i try to tell them stories, they dont listen. The only lady i thought was listening was a lady with crossed eyes, those eyes that when she looks at you, she is also look at someone else. So, i was not sure if she was listening to me or not. One day a friend that had girfriend that had crossed eyes refused to hear one another and they split. So, when we were drunk, we ask him why he left his girl. He say he suspect she was seeing someone else. We all laughed because we thought he was saying that his girl could see two people at one time.
But i dont give up on giving stories so easily. I started talking big and tell them that i have several taxis and car hire business. I tell them them i also import cars direct from Japan. Drunks are of God because they did not detect that i had no idea where Japan was then or what car hire business was. . They didn't get moved, so its like i talked to myself the whole time. When it was time to go, the lady tell me to drive her car to her house. She tell me i will sleep in her house, she has loved me and my business acumen.
I was used to hearing women say she has loved me when drunk so i poured all my heart to her, although all i was saying was lies. I asked her how i will come back but she say she will drop me in morning to pick my Taxi. For the first time, i drove her BMW X series, I was feeling like i own the car and in my mind, i was tellig myself how i can draw and be kept by this lady. We drove to her house, in Kileleshwa area, in some expensive flats. When i enter the house, it looks like in Europe or inside Hilton. Everything expensive, curtains, carpets, name them. She dragged me straight to her bedroom. I have told you that i am a good romancer before and i did not disappoint. Although my grandfather told me its illegal to suck a woman's teta, i have always enjoyed myself when i suck the teta. I saw her pull a drawer beneath her expensive bed and removed makobosto. I have always known that makobostos are packed 3, but it was two this time. I told myself that somebody else is ramnyaring those things or maybe she was married or something. My dream of being kept started fading.
I dont know why but i think i was suffering with inferiority complex because my tree did not stand 100%, so i telled myself to satisfy this woman so that i dont get thrown out, i have to suck tiita so good. I did it so well that she poured two times before i entered. She say she had never had the orals so good in her life. When i finally enter, i did not last two seconds. Exactly two seconds, when i insert my josto inside, then remove and to enter, i feel warm coming from my testicles and eyes almost come out of socket, then i poured. I lie to her i feel so good until i cant tolerate no more. She tried to play with my josto so that it wakes up but it did not wake up very fast. Getting tired, I saw her look at the watch on wall, then she told me,
'You know wanjohi, me is known very well here. I would not like my neighbors to see me removing a man from my house. Please, let me see you off at gate, you will see Matatus coming. I cant drive at this time, please understand.'
I wanted to refuse but when i looked around and see the artifacts hanged on wall, i dressed up and zoomed off. I waited at gate for Matatus and couldnt see any. I asked the watchman what time matatus come. The watchman telled me no Matatus come there, i need to call taxi or i walk to Westlands. My phone had finished fire, so i could call no one. I walked all the way to Westlands where i took Matatu to town and another one to Lang'ata to take my taxi. This is the sad side of my taxi escapade, the rest are all happy ending.
That story saddened me so much. How could i be used like that? But i telled myself that that is the same, when you go to room with a girl, you pour very fast, then you leave her hanging and go home to your wife or girlfriend, it is same same. The difference is, she doent walk to long distance to take Matatu, she has room until the woman that ask for bedsheets come calling in the morning. If today i get such opportunity, i will tell the woman, noo, i will drive behind you to your house, or better still, tell her to leave her car we use mine.
I was not planted in problem and one day, i made a kill later after i brokered something. You remember the story? I called my wife and told her to go to mama mboga and abuse her because we will never kopa anything from her again. The money i had made was enough not to kopa again in a long time.
All along when i was doing taxi business, i kept telling myself that one day, things will be good, after all, i have never seen with eyes cats climbing each other. If you dont know, if you see, with your eyes cats mating, thats the end of you. You will never see money with your eyes, You will be counting coins for a loong time. Ask your grandpa or any other old man.
I remain,
Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine
During the day, when there were no customers, we used to sit on our cars' bonnet and beat stories. Around Nairobi stalls, i became very popular with ladies that were written around there. I befriended them and told them that when they want to go home at night, they should bring their business to me. If it was their boyfriends paying, whatever amount is paid, i will give them 30%. I happened to climb several of them in the process, and besides the tu-exhbitionists, i also happened to bump into others along the way. I remember one lady that i dated after making a kill, and when we sit in Jazz bar, her friends come and greet us. She introduce me to the girls as her boyfie. They smile and leave. Later, they meet in toilet and ask ' Ati you said who is that guy?' She say her new boyfie. They laugh loudly and tell her 'oooii nu utoi wanjohi. Kuri mundu mumaraya agakira wanjohi. Ngwiciria irima riria atari aingira exhibition icio cia Moi Ave no itarike (ooi who doesnt know Wanjohi. Is there a prostitute than Wanjohi. i think there is no hole in all Moi Ave. exbition he has never entered. The one he has never enter can be counted' When she came back to me, she looked so sad and refused to remove thururari for me.
Most of those i climbed were drunk and angry or frustrated by their boyfriends, others, their men winked at some girls in the club and in protest, they walk out on them. Others, their men must go home to their wives. Others, their friends that they came with in club were fungwad and they were unlucky that night and had to go home alone and still others, they come with jamaz, and the jamaz finish money and run away, leaving the poor girls in bars. If you dont know, those are the easiest category to lay at any time of the day. You will be lucky to meet such a girl at night. Kweli rongo?
I also had other categories that we got used to each so much that when i feel my tree stand small, i call them and ask:
'Hello, kianda nikwega' (Hello, is down good?) This was a mandatory question, and even now it is, unless you want to drive all the way and find the woman is raining. If they say yes, i tell them 'ndirenda guka kuhutia tiita' (I want to come and touch the clit). They would say 'kai uruaraga wanjohi. No uka nitukuona ' (do u get sick wanjohi? but come we will see. ) Others i would call and tell them, ' ndoka hau nja hanyu uke thuruari i mutwe' (when i come at your gate, come with thuruari on head)
Away from that, today, i will tell you my worst experience with people of out. One day, my customer call me. She say she is at Psys, Langata rd and when she is drunk, she does not drive. She ask me to go drive her home with my taxi. I went and found her with her lady friends. She told me to sit and have one. I have never been known for refusing free beer. After several drinks, we dance and she start to touch me. She even touch my josto and she say ' Not bad'. I dont touch her immediately as i fear because she looks like someone with alot of money. When you are broke, there is that ka tendency of fearing people with alot of money. Have you ever gone to a hotel with money for tea only and find people eating Kuku and nyama? One ask himself, ' how is it one can afford that. I hope you get what i mean? It also happens to the opposite. When you have alot of money, you refuse to know why people dont have money.
All the ladies she was with were all looking wealthy and beautiful in face, but have big stomach thus removing marks. They talk big and when i try to tell them stories, they dont listen. The only lady i thought was listening was a lady with crossed eyes, those eyes that when she looks at you, she is also look at someone else. So, i was not sure if she was listening to me or not. One day a friend that had girfriend that had crossed eyes refused to hear one another and they split. So, when we were drunk, we ask him why he left his girl. He say he suspect she was seeing someone else. We all laughed because we thought he was saying that his girl could see two people at one time.
But i dont give up on giving stories so easily. I started talking big and tell them that i have several taxis and car hire business. I tell them them i also import cars direct from Japan. Drunks are of God because they did not detect that i had no idea where Japan was then or what car hire business was. . They didn't get moved, so its like i talked to myself the whole time. When it was time to go, the lady tell me to drive her car to her house. She tell me i will sleep in her house, she has loved me and my business acumen.
I was used to hearing women say she has loved me when drunk so i poured all my heart to her, although all i was saying was lies. I asked her how i will come back but she say she will drop me in morning to pick my Taxi. For the first time, i drove her BMW X series, I was feeling like i own the car and in my mind, i was tellig myself how i can draw and be kept by this lady. We drove to her house, in Kileleshwa area, in some expensive flats. When i enter the house, it looks like in Europe or inside Hilton. Everything expensive, curtains, carpets, name them. She dragged me straight to her bedroom. I have told you that i am a good romancer before and i did not disappoint. Although my grandfather told me its illegal to suck a woman's teta, i have always enjoyed myself when i suck the teta. I saw her pull a drawer beneath her expensive bed and removed makobosto. I have always known that makobostos are packed 3, but it was two this time. I told myself that somebody else is ramnyaring those things or maybe she was married or something. My dream of being kept started fading.
I dont know why but i think i was suffering with inferiority complex because my tree did not stand 100%, so i telled myself to satisfy this woman so that i dont get thrown out, i have to suck tiita so good. I did it so well that she poured two times before i entered. She say she had never had the orals so good in her life. When i finally enter, i did not last two seconds. Exactly two seconds, when i insert my josto inside, then remove and to enter, i feel warm coming from my testicles and eyes almost come out of socket, then i poured. I lie to her i feel so good until i cant tolerate no more. She tried to play with my josto so that it wakes up but it did not wake up very fast. Getting tired, I saw her look at the watch on wall, then she told me,
'You know wanjohi, me is known very well here. I would not like my neighbors to see me removing a man from my house. Please, let me see you off at gate, you will see Matatus coming. I cant drive at this time, please understand.'
I wanted to refuse but when i looked around and see the artifacts hanged on wall, i dressed up and zoomed off. I waited at gate for Matatus and couldnt see any. I asked the watchman what time matatus come. The watchman telled me no Matatus come there, i need to call taxi or i walk to Westlands. My phone had finished fire, so i could call no one. I walked all the way to Westlands where i took Matatu to town and another one to Lang'ata to take my taxi. This is the sad side of my taxi escapade, the rest are all happy ending.
That story saddened me so much. How could i be used like that? But i telled myself that that is the same, when you go to room with a girl, you pour very fast, then you leave her hanging and go home to your wife or girlfriend, it is same same. The difference is, she doent walk to long distance to take Matatu, she has room until the woman that ask for bedsheets come calling in the morning. If today i get such opportunity, i will tell the woman, noo, i will drive behind you to your house, or better still, tell her to leave her car we use mine.
I was not planted in problem and one day, i made a kill later after i brokered something. You remember the story? I called my wife and told her to go to mama mboga and abuse her because we will never kopa anything from her again. The money i had made was enough not to kopa again in a long time.
All along when i was doing taxi business, i kept telling myself that one day, things will be good, after all, i have never seen with eyes cats climbing each other. If you dont know, if you see, with your eyes cats mating, thats the end of you. You will never see money with your eyes, You will be counting coins for a loong time. Ask your grandpa or any other old man.
I remain,
Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine
Monday, April 18, 2011
Stolen By Charity Sweepstake And Change Dollar Thiefs
If you have never been stolen by two Meru boys that steal with Charity sweepstake tickets and another group of three boys of Kamba origin that steal by changing dollar,you have never been stolen. To find out more, read on. Its a bad experience, but you laugh at youself after getting stolen.
I am a very ambitions fella from Kigogoine and when i see business deal, i dont left it. I was first stolen back in 2002 by sweepstake 'Meru' mboys and in 2004 by 'dollar' boys and i hear there are people that are still alibabwod by this boys todate. The most hilarious and stupid one is for change dollar.
One day in town, a mboy of Kamba origin come to me. He ask me if i know places that change dollar to Kshs. My reflex action to such a storo is that i am being approached to be stolen, so I look at boy and want to ask him if he see if look like i am google but change mind. I ask him how much he want to change and he say he has $1000 usd. He goes on to tell me that his cousin work for White people at Muthaiga and that he often get tips but in form of dollar from visitors of America. He tell me he had carried several with him for samples. I ask him we enter hotel and talk more. He give me 50 usd in 1dollar notes each. I tell him dollar change for 40 (it was actually changing for 75 at the time). He tell me, since the boy that has the remaining $1000 is stupid, i tell him they change at 20, but i should add 5 shilling per dollar for him as his commision.
I agree. I told him to wait for me as i took the 50 dollar to change in bureau. I was abit cautious, just incase they were fake, so once inside, i stand near door ready to sprint, incase the cashier tell me i give her fake dollar or i see her take telephone. To take telephone would mean she's calling the police. The cashier counted the dollar and gave me the equivalent in Kenya shillings. I saw there is business and rushed back to the boy. I had actually left him in a hotel far in Rive rroad, so that he does not know where bureaus are and decide to change himself. I wented and gave him his share and started thinking where to get money to buy the remaining 1000USD. Since i did not have money, i looked for a friend that had money and sold him the idea and he agreed. We went to the boy with him and agreed to carry enough to give to the boy because he cannot release the dollars without money. Since we were changing at 25, he carried 25k.
That morning, i wake up very earlier and go to Maximum miracle centre for morning devotion. I pray and thank God in advance. When Pst. Muiru preach, he say that there is two people that dont have money but by mid day, they will see money with eyes. He say if you think you are the one, you plant the little you have and see what God will do. I did with the last 100bob i had and left in confidence. I picked my friend and we wented to Muthaiga with the boy. Once near the Muthaiga Golf club gate, he callledl the cousin that had the dollars. The boy emerged from Muthaiga Golf club gate and handed us the dollar, nicely folded and tied with band. We handed him the Kshs. Once he take money, he ask if our money is complete because if not, he will bewitch us, but we assure him it is. He say we cant count there because the bosses might see him out and might even rub him work.
We take our bundle of 1 bill 1000 dollar notes and went to town and headed straight to Jazz bar to count the dollars. Before removing the bank, we ordered for juice as we count the dollars. The investor friend that bring 25k was the one with the bundle, tightly tucked in the josto area. He tell he, since he was very saved by Jesus Christ, he will remove 10% tithe from the profit. We were to share the profit equally.. that is the Kshs.a 75,000. I also say in heart that i will take 5k to church during lunch hour and go infront and give testimony that i was one that Pst. Muiru say in morning.
He removed the blunder from the folded notes so that we count the money. What happend almost made us scream in horror. There was only 5 , one dollar bill. The rest were well trimmed photocopy papers. Two dollar were on top of the trimmed papers and three dollars at the back.
We look at each other for 10 minutes without talking. We want to cry but cannot. I pinch myself to see if am dreaming and i feel pain, so i know am not dreaming. With our killer instinct activated and all time high, went back to Muthaiga and tell the watchment at gate to show us the boy that is called Makau that work there. We narrated what happened after telling us there is no boy called Makau. He laughs and tell us everyday, there are 3 people stolen like that. We went dejected and I promised to pay half the amount we lost when i get job but he say' its ok, cia arume ciuragira kuingi ( its ok. Of men get lost in many places.) Even today when we meet, we remember the story and laugh. If we meet those boys today, we would buy them Allsorps until morning and congratulate them.
Another time, around tea room area, two boys approached me. They talk in deep Kimeru Accent. It was around 6 PM, they tell me they have come all the way from Meru. They tell me they are in deep trouble because they won 100k in sweepstakes, they come to claim money, but they is late, the offices are already closed and have no money to sleep in lodging.
I look at the sweepstake and see its true, it has won 100,000. They wanted me to lend them money or take them to my house and tomorrow when they claim money, they will pay me handsomely. The other one tell me if i have money, i can give them half, that is 50k, then i claim to the charity sweepstakes myself.
The Alibaba in me tell me that i can thiefl from the boys. I tell myself : "wameru ni wanjinga. naweza waibia hata ticko yote t since Merus dont come to Nairobi, they have enough green gold in the village, they would accept any price i name". I tell them i only have 15k. We argue and last, they accept 20k. It was end month and was going to pay rent to landlord. After giving them the money, i tucked the ticket safely and went home straight, happy. I start remember i owed a friend 30k and he call everyday with no peace. I call him and tell him he has no manners and should come to the office tomorrow to collect his just 30k. I tell him he is silly to harass me for a small dept of 30k. When i get home, landlord agent come and i tell him he should never ever come to knock my house because of rent. I tell him i will pay to their account tomorow.
Tomorrow morning, i go to Kenya Charity and tell them i win 100k. They ask for ticket. One man look at ticket, look at me, look at ticket again and ask where i buy. I say i buy it in town last night. He asks again if i am sure i am the one that buy and i insist its me. He ask me to come in the office.
I wait and wait, thinking they are counting money for me. Then two police come and say i am arrested for forgery of Charity sweepstake ticket. The police take me away to Central police and i tell them the truth. They laugh and say they know the case is many, but i have to sleep inside to be lesson to others. They tell me the boys are not even Merus. They come from Kiambu. Hapa tu. That is why i say, Kenya police are jinga sana. I lost my 20 k and spent a night in cell. Jinga sana tena. It is another big storry of what happened to the guy i owed 30k and the landlord.
I once told you that i operated an old taxi business after finishing form 4 and failing in slaughter business. I have been stolen by customers many times but the biggest was when i wanted to upgrade to a new taxi. I thought i was clever to import a car with borrowed money. I will tell you the horrible experience tomorow plus other stories of how i use to climb women that i carried in my taxi. People brought their girlfriends i drop them home only for me to eat them proper. Although i promised not to writel muclimbano stories again, i think you might like them or learn something so that next time you give your girl to taxi driver to be dropped, you will have idea of what happens. Chances are, she will drop her pantie. Ndima climbite many times. All starting from tomorrow
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
If You Want To Get Laid Guaranteed, Take Her Out Of Town.
I have been accused of writing too many muclimbano stories and leaving other crucial life stories, thus making myself boring to you. I have many emails that tell me to write other stuff or else i remain irrelevant like what my composition teacher told me one day. I am say sorry and I promise from tomorrow, no more muclimbano stories. Tomorrow, i will advise you which business never to try, like Bar business. I tried it and tokad like Muthika Ucuwe (the one that buries grandmonther). In short, it is slightly worse than Matatu business.
Haya, back to muclimbano story. One time, i had a very hot girl i wanted to plant but she had proved very elusive. She was a girlfriend of a pastor who had gone to USA for further studies. You know people that go to USA never return to Kenya and majority of those i know that return to Kenya only return with deep english of ma nigga. yoyoyoyo, you know, english that one closes.
The girlfriend of of pastor had turned back after it became apparent to her that her pastor boyfie will never come back. I told her people that go there marry white people to gain residential status. Despite all the effort and convincing, she had completely refused to remove thuruari to me. She said her body was temple of God and her pastor boyfie might be touched somewhere and comeback for her. She said she want to remain the way pastor left her.. untouched. I dont get moved easily and vowed to devour her one day. Although she did not smoke and was a mild drinker, (she would stay with one malt for 3 hrs., saying getting drunk is devilish), we go to drink until 2 AM, but she say she must go home. I devised way it would make it possible for me to climb her. I told her i will take her out to a far town in Nairobi and we settled Nanyuki. I called Theuri and told him to look for girl he want to climb and he accompany me to Nanyuki on saturday. He first say, if you are going out of town, the best thing is to climb girls of that town. Its more thrilling. I convince him and he agree after he remember he had a girl that was refusing refusing to be climbed.
We were to go on sato and that Friday, i asked her to join me we drink one for the road. She never turned down my offer at any one time. At around midnight, she say she want to sleep and i take her home. For the first time, she allow me in her house. I had bought makobosto because the way she was behaving was evident that she was about to remove thuruari for me. Inside her house, we romanced and i did one thing i dont like doing because my grandfather told me its not for our tribe, sucking her punani. She got fired up and allowed me to enter her. It was a struggle to enter and thought to myself that she was a semi virgin. At the end of the day, i managed to enter through struggle, as she say its pain. 'ingia pole pole. this the first time am doing since form two' I told myself that he must have been turod by a kihii that had a very small penis.
Tomorrow, in evening, we embark on journey to Nakuru. We beat car fire at around 6 in the evening and proceed to Nanyuki. We talk alot of stories, although Theuri talks almost all of them. Theuri is a man that slips tongue. He is worse than Esther Murugi, the Minister for internal displacement, if i am not wrong. He forgets very fast and when we reach near some place that has guest house, Theuri forgets he has a girl on his side and shouts to me:
' Aah Wanjohi, no uririkane kuria? kuu nikuo ndahaisheira Kalucy' (AA Wanjohi, can you member this place? this is where i climbed Kalucy)
His girl looked at him and asked ' Ati wauga atia Theuri? Ati wahaiceire u, ngai fafa kai uyu nu twinake?' (Ati what did you just say. Whom did you climb here? God, who is this i am with?)
I am another one that does not have breaks when you slip tongue. I laughed hysterically as Theuri tried to explain what he meant but nothing was entering each other. He tries to say, he meant that 'Guku nikuo Ndehu uria broker ya Insurance ahaiceire Kalucy karia ndandikite' (This is where Ndehu, the broker of insurance climbed Kalucy that i had written work). Every explanation would meet more laughter from me and my girl.
That lady fooled like Mandazi there there. When we went to Sportsman Hotel to have one, he girl refused to take anything. It is then that Theuri decides to tell her the truth that he indeed eat someone in that guest house but did not intend to offend her. He tell her that he is not virgin and he also does not expect her to be virgin. After that punchline, she agree to take beer and life return to normal.
My girl before in Nairobi, she used to take Tusker Malt, maximum two but here the opened up. She drink Guinness Kubwa and drink like Heno Lorry, the one that drink Diesel like it is for free. When time for sleeping reach, we go to some nice guest house. When we reach guest house, i tell myself that i will not eat her with Condom because last time, she is almost virgin and so she is not sick with Aids. Although i indeed buy Makobosto when i was with Theuri at reception, but once in room, i hit the wall with them.
I am a good romancer and i romanced her until she poured even before i had entered my stick in her. When it was time to enter her, i position my tree on her 'virgin hole'. I pushed forward slowly because i don't want to hurt her because last time, she say she feel pain. She put her leg 180 degrees and i hold my tree with my hand then slowly pushes in. My tree go in straight, without resistance, nyweeee. It was like swimming in ocean. Immediately, I started to think she now give me Aids because that is not the hole of someone last done in form two. I tell myself, she could be one of the 'clever' hoes in Nairobi that cheat people they are college pupils or they have only been done once, yet, the number of trees that has entered there can line up upto Meru town na zipite kidogo.
I got so scared and cried in loud voice 'oooii niwanjuraga na niguo nduire ndimenyereire oooi ngai nie nindakua na ndire ndaria mundu ungi itari na mubira' (ooii you have killed me and the way i have protected myself many days. ooi i have died , i have never eaten somebody else without makobosto)
You know what had happened. The last time i eat her in her house, she was able to kuhingira (to tighten her pussi), to confuse me that she was virgin. She was able to do that comfortably because she was not drunk. When we go to Nanyuki, she beat Guiness like Heno Lorry and forgets to tighten her pussy. She opened her legs wide and i entered like i am entering ocean.
I lied to Theuri that i eat her with Makobosto but he burst in laughter. He say his girl was with my girl when they go to Chemist to buy Postino. I still denied but he tell me to go to Ngong and lie to Maasai. My advise is, however a pussy sounds tight, eat with makobosto. Utakuja kugundua ni Indian Ocean mijamaa.
The tomorow of that week, i draged her to a VCT. That reminds of of my friend of mine, we were discussing how scaring it is to go to VCT. He told us, whenever he sees those tu tents in street that measure Aids, he gets in and give them his finger and tell them 'Measure me'. We told him that that confidence is bad because, he does not do himself. He has a woman and if you listen to classic, women are beating men in their own game of muclimbano.
(Update ya ule dame wa bank: sms from her just now ' pick up ma phone if u cant get the money i asked 4, just tell me. I know you have a family, a will understand. Nataka kujua ka utaget ndio nim show mwenye amenitafuta hao. Pls say something if you care about me and if you dont, dont say something. I am waiting now)
Ga shaitani kau na gatiri thoni. Since she work in a bank, why cant she draw with people and they steal like the way other bankers are stealing millions where they work. AARRGG... Kanjinga hako!
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Haya, back to muclimbano story. One time, i had a very hot girl i wanted to plant but she had proved very elusive. She was a girlfriend of a pastor who had gone to USA for further studies. You know people that go to USA never return to Kenya and majority of those i know that return to Kenya only return with deep english of ma nigga. yoyoyoyo, you know, english that one closes.
The girlfriend of of pastor had turned back after it became apparent to her that her pastor boyfie will never come back. I told her people that go there marry white people to gain residential status. Despite all the effort and convincing, she had completely refused to remove thuruari to me. She said her body was temple of God and her pastor boyfie might be touched somewhere and comeback for her. She said she want to remain the way pastor left her.. untouched. I dont get moved easily and vowed to devour her one day. Although she did not smoke and was a mild drinker, (she would stay with one malt for 3 hrs., saying getting drunk is devilish), we go to drink until 2 AM, but she say she must go home. I devised way it would make it possible for me to climb her. I told her i will take her out to a far town in Nairobi and we settled Nanyuki. I called Theuri and told him to look for girl he want to climb and he accompany me to Nanyuki on saturday. He first say, if you are going out of town, the best thing is to climb girls of that town. Its more thrilling. I convince him and he agree after he remember he had a girl that was refusing refusing to be climbed.
We were to go on sato and that Friday, i asked her to join me we drink one for the road. She never turned down my offer at any one time. At around midnight, she say she want to sleep and i take her home. For the first time, she allow me in her house. I had bought makobosto because the way she was behaving was evident that she was about to remove thuruari for me. Inside her house, we romanced and i did one thing i dont like doing because my grandfather told me its not for our tribe, sucking her punani. She got fired up and allowed me to enter her. It was a struggle to enter and thought to myself that she was a semi virgin. At the end of the day, i managed to enter through struggle, as she say its pain. 'ingia pole pole. this the first time am doing since form two' I told myself that he must have been turod by a kihii that had a very small penis.
Tomorrow, in evening, we embark on journey to Nakuru. We beat car fire at around 6 in the evening and proceed to Nanyuki. We talk alot of stories, although Theuri talks almost all of them. Theuri is a man that slips tongue. He is worse than Esther Murugi, the Minister for internal displacement, if i am not wrong. He forgets very fast and when we reach near some place that has guest house, Theuri forgets he has a girl on his side and shouts to me:
' Aah Wanjohi, no uririkane kuria? kuu nikuo ndahaisheira Kalucy' (AA Wanjohi, can you member this place? this is where i climbed Kalucy)
His girl looked at him and asked ' Ati wauga atia Theuri? Ati wahaiceire u, ngai fafa kai uyu nu twinake?' (Ati what did you just say. Whom did you climb here? God, who is this i am with?)
I am another one that does not have breaks when you slip tongue. I laughed hysterically as Theuri tried to explain what he meant but nothing was entering each other. He tries to say, he meant that 'Guku nikuo Ndehu uria broker ya Insurance ahaiceire Kalucy karia ndandikite' (This is where Ndehu, the broker of insurance climbed Kalucy that i had written work). Every explanation would meet more laughter from me and my girl.
That lady fooled like Mandazi there there. When we went to Sportsman Hotel to have one, he girl refused to take anything. It is then that Theuri decides to tell her the truth that he indeed eat someone in that guest house but did not intend to offend her. He tell her that he is not virgin and he also does not expect her to be virgin. After that punchline, she agree to take beer and life return to normal.
My girl before in Nairobi, she used to take Tusker Malt, maximum two but here the opened up. She drink Guinness Kubwa and drink like Heno Lorry, the one that drink Diesel like it is for free. When time for sleeping reach, we go to some nice guest house. When we reach guest house, i tell myself that i will not eat her with Condom because last time, she is almost virgin and so she is not sick with Aids. Although i indeed buy Makobosto when i was with Theuri at reception, but once in room, i hit the wall with them.
I am a good romancer and i romanced her until she poured even before i had entered my stick in her. When it was time to enter her, i position my tree on her 'virgin hole'. I pushed forward slowly because i don't want to hurt her because last time, she say she feel pain. She put her leg 180 degrees and i hold my tree with my hand then slowly pushes in. My tree go in straight, without resistance, nyweeee. It was like swimming in ocean. Immediately, I started to think she now give me Aids because that is not the hole of someone last done in form two. I tell myself, she could be one of the 'clever' hoes in Nairobi that cheat people they are college pupils or they have only been done once, yet, the number of trees that has entered there can line up upto Meru town na zipite kidogo.
I got so scared and cried in loud voice 'oooii niwanjuraga na niguo nduire ndimenyereire oooi ngai nie nindakua na ndire ndaria mundu ungi itari na mubira' (ooii you have killed me and the way i have protected myself many days. ooi i have died , i have never eaten somebody else without makobosto)
You know what had happened. The last time i eat her in her house, she was able to kuhingira (to tighten her pussi), to confuse me that she was virgin. She was able to do that comfortably because she was not drunk. When we go to Nanyuki, she beat Guiness like Heno Lorry and forgets to tighten her pussy. She opened her legs wide and i entered like i am entering ocean.
I lied to Theuri that i eat her with Makobosto but he burst in laughter. He say his girl was with my girl when they go to Chemist to buy Postino. I still denied but he tell me to go to Ngong and lie to Maasai. My advise is, however a pussy sounds tight, eat with makobosto. Utakuja kugundua ni Indian Ocean mijamaa.
The tomorow of that week, i draged her to a VCT. That reminds of of my friend of mine, we were discussing how scaring it is to go to VCT. He told us, whenever he sees those tu tents in street that measure Aids, he gets in and give them his finger and tell them 'Measure me'. We told him that that confidence is bad because, he does not do himself. He has a woman and if you listen to classic, women are beating men in their own game of muclimbano.
(Update ya ule dame wa bank: sms from her just now ' pick up ma phone if u cant get the money i asked 4, just tell me. I know you have a family, a will understand. Nataka kujua ka utaget ndio nim show mwenye amenitafuta hao. Pls say something if you care about me and if you dont, dont say something. I am waiting now)
Ga shaitani kau na gatiri thoni. Since she work in a bank, why cant she draw with people and they steal like the way other bankers are stealing millions where they work. AARRGG... Kanjinga hako!
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
WANJOHI IN TROUBLE.. I NEED YOU HELP.
I have a problem with one lady that is written in Bank where i keep money. She is very beautiful and has big buttocks and is yellow yellow, does not smoke and drink little beer only, she is not thin (i am African, not Englishman, i like big things). We have gone to drink beer together three times now although i have never borrowed her things in seriousness. Reason is, she drink little beer and spend the rest time dancing as we eat stories with Theuri and Domingo dagitari wa atumia (gynacologist). She also get bored because when she come, she talk to us in English or Sheng, we return in Kisaps. That means, i hardly get god opportunity to borrow things and she cant get drunk to get confused. When 10pm comes, she say she want to go home because she stay with mother and father. If it was the time i was in school, i would have putted Kukumanga and i manga her, but i am now mature, i make woman love me so that we do each other.
That is not the problem. The trouble is, she has this misguided notion that Wanjohi is very rich man. Once in a while, i do broking business and ask people to pay in my account. So, sometimes account read many money, but all money is not mine. I am also treasurer of many tu many chamas and i deposit all money in my account. In essence, the account read good sometime but money not mine. In several occasions, she calls and says 'Wanjosh, nitumie thao pls' and i Zap it immediately.
Today in morning, and that is why i did not tell story today is, she write to me sms.
'Hi dear, i need your help. Ni update na 20k coz nataka kuhama na pesa zenye niko nazo hazitoshi. I need 20k or more for me to make it. Will you help me pls?'
I have not returned sms or her calls. Two minutes ago, she use another phone to call me and i picked. She tried to read for me for not picking her call but i tell her that i was in meeting. I promised to call her later. Problem is, i cant give or lend her that amount. She knows the balance in my account and i swear every single cent there is not mine.
Now, Wanjohi want to know, how to dismiss her request politely. Naomba usaidizi! And with all the advise, i will like the one that will make it possible for me to tear her this weekend or some other days and we still remain friend. She is crucial because when i want to withdraw money and there is line, i call her and she serve me in executive section of bank yet i am not registered there.
All advise will be appreciation.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigohoine
That is not the problem. The trouble is, she has this misguided notion that Wanjohi is very rich man. Once in a while, i do broking business and ask people to pay in my account. So, sometimes account read many money, but all money is not mine. I am also treasurer of many tu many chamas and i deposit all money in my account. In essence, the account read good sometime but money not mine. In several occasions, she calls and says 'Wanjosh, nitumie thao pls' and i Zap it immediately.
Today in morning, and that is why i did not tell story today is, she write to me sms.
'Hi dear, i need your help. Ni update na 20k coz nataka kuhama na pesa zenye niko nazo hazitoshi. I need 20k or more for me to make it. Will you help me pls?'
I have not returned sms or her calls. Two minutes ago, she use another phone to call me and i picked. She tried to read for me for not picking her call but i tell her that i was in meeting. I promised to call her later. Problem is, i cant give or lend her that amount. She knows the balance in my account and i swear every single cent there is not mine.
Now, Wanjohi want to know, how to dismiss her request politely. Naomba usaidizi! And with all the advise, i will like the one that will make it possible for me to tear her this weekend or some other days and we still remain friend. She is crucial because when i want to withdraw money and there is line, i call her and she serve me in executive section of bank yet i am not registered there.
All advise will be appreciation.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigohoine
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
When Theuri Forgot Condoms In His Pockets
If you are a family person and you happen to check into a lodging, do not make mistake of putting the receipt in your pocket. This is an advise from my very good friend, Theuri. Theuri is the guy that has many stories that has no end. If what Theuri told me is true, then i think Theuri has seen many. Like Theuri, I cant tell you not to eat people but i can give you tips to avoid trouble. It is good not to eat people but i will lie to me if i preach that it is sin to eat people. And in any case, Jimmy Gathu is good in that. I am not Jimmy and the best i can do is to tell you to do what Jimmy tell you not to, but in the correct way, because you will do that anyway. You see, Jimmy lost war of epuka ukimwi and now try to make people do mathematics of how much you spend on mipangos. No matter what you tell them Jimmy, no one listens. Believe you me.
One day, Theuri checks into room on Friday evening with a girl. The lodging cashier ask for their ID and the girl give out their id. The writer of receipt writes Theuris name and ID numbers of the two of them. She then passed the receipt and Theuri put it in his pocket. They then entered the lodging and Theuri happily ramnyad things of the girl. At around 3 AM, Theuri left for his house and forget he had a receipt in his pocket.
Tomorrow, he change clothes and go to work. The wife take clothes to be washed by untie and before, she frisks the pocket. She finds the receipt written "Guikana Lodgings and rooms" She look closely and see the name of the guest as Theuri, her hubby. There is also another ID number written but no second name. She trusts her instincts and call the telephone number of lodging and asks where it is and they say in Nairobi west. She take Matatu and go there. She then show the receipt and ask the people of lodging if they know those people who slept there. Knowing that it is trouble, they tell her they do not divulge information of clients to third parties.
She go back home and cry and cry. When Theuri went back home at 3 pm, he find wife crying and when he look at table he sees receipt put there. He feel like fainting and then plans to bolt off in speed of lightening but decides to stay. Then, wife still crying asks ' iiii iiiiiii what is this Theuri? you were in lodging with a woman? iiii iiiiii'
Theuri mouth runs dry but idea come very fast on what to say. Very 'angry' and shaking, he tell the first lady: ' now what are you crying for? because of this receipt? you should ask me what it is first. This we draw with accountant so that we can make money from company. He asked me to bring receipt and say at job that we slept there after workshop and get reimbursement. This is money and its making you cry. aaah!'
The wife refuse to hear and Theuri pretend to call an imaginary accountant and tell him to talk to wife about the receipt they were talking about at job. The wife take phone but no one on other end. Theuri say maybe accountant hear her cry and cut phone. Somehow somehow, she believes half story. According to Theuri, if lodging insist you must carry receipt, do not put it in pocket. The best option is to tell the girl to take receipt. Dont touch oh.
Another advise of Theuri is, if you buy condoms, dont put it in pocket. Dont even attempt. One day, he go to ramnya somebody at the house of girl. Theuri buys studded trust condoms and put in pocket. When he go to ramnya somebody, he removes cd from pocket, tears one and return the remaining in his pocket. He then ramnyas somebody one shot and go home.
Tomorrow, when he wake up, he find condoms put beside him in bed. He instantly remembers he had forgotten cds in his pocket. He thinks of taking them and hide them, then remembers that they did not put themselves there. It must have been the first lady. He doesn't touch them and thinks what to say about them. The first lady appears crying again. She asks him ' Theuri, ni ukanyonia maundu ngai wakwa i. Ni ndui ici wikirite muhuko. Ukwendaga kunyonia ni urari na mumaraya. Aciari no nginya mamenye ndeto ici. ndathie gwito ' (Theuri, you will show me news. My God, what is this you put in your pocket, or you wanted to show me you had a prostitute. Parents must know this. I am going away at home)
Theuri tries to calm the first lady by telling her ' This we were given yesterday at Citrus bar when we were drinking beer. The one removed was used as demonstration on how to put. Do u think i am mad to move with other women? Dont you know i love you and cant mix for you? Unfortunately, she did not buy that idea that time round and what followed after that is a story for tomorrow.
Another lesson from Theuri, do not put cds in your pocket. Carry with hand.
Kuwa mjanja. Usibebe condoms ama recept ya lojo.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
One day, Theuri checks into room on Friday evening with a girl. The lodging cashier ask for their ID and the girl give out their id. The writer of receipt writes Theuris name and ID numbers of the two of them. She then passed the receipt and Theuri put it in his pocket. They then entered the lodging and Theuri happily ramnyad things of the girl. At around 3 AM, Theuri left for his house and forget he had a receipt in his pocket.
Tomorrow, he change clothes and go to work. The wife take clothes to be washed by untie and before, she frisks the pocket. She finds the receipt written "Guikana Lodgings and rooms" She look closely and see the name of the guest as Theuri, her hubby. There is also another ID number written but no second name. She trusts her instincts and call the telephone number of lodging and asks where it is and they say in Nairobi west. She take Matatu and go there. She then show the receipt and ask the people of lodging if they know those people who slept there. Knowing that it is trouble, they tell her they do not divulge information of clients to third parties.
She go back home and cry and cry. When Theuri went back home at 3 pm, he find wife crying and when he look at table he sees receipt put there. He feel like fainting and then plans to bolt off in speed of lightening but decides to stay. Then, wife still crying asks ' iiii iiiiiii what is this Theuri? you were in lodging with a woman? iiii iiiiii'
Theuri mouth runs dry but idea come very fast on what to say. Very 'angry' and shaking, he tell the first lady: ' now what are you crying for? because of this receipt? you should ask me what it is first. This we draw with accountant so that we can make money from company. He asked me to bring receipt and say at job that we slept there after workshop and get reimbursement. This is money and its making you cry. aaah!'
The wife refuse to hear and Theuri pretend to call an imaginary accountant and tell him to talk to wife about the receipt they were talking about at job. The wife take phone but no one on other end. Theuri say maybe accountant hear her cry and cut phone. Somehow somehow, she believes half story. According to Theuri, if lodging insist you must carry receipt, do not put it in pocket. The best option is to tell the girl to take receipt. Dont touch oh.
Another advise of Theuri is, if you buy condoms, dont put it in pocket. Dont even attempt. One day, he go to ramnya somebody at the house of girl. Theuri buys studded trust condoms and put in pocket. When he go to ramnya somebody, he removes cd from pocket, tears one and return the remaining in his pocket. He then ramnyas somebody one shot and go home.
Tomorrow, when he wake up, he find condoms put beside him in bed. He instantly remembers he had forgotten cds in his pocket. He thinks of taking them and hide them, then remembers that they did not put themselves there. It must have been the first lady. He doesn't touch them and thinks what to say about them. The first lady appears crying again. She asks him ' Theuri, ni ukanyonia maundu ngai wakwa i. Ni ndui ici wikirite muhuko. Ukwendaga kunyonia ni urari na mumaraya. Aciari no nginya mamenye ndeto ici. ndathie gwito ' (Theuri, you will show me news. My God, what is this you put in your pocket, or you wanted to show me you had a prostitute. Parents must know this. I am going away at home)
Theuri tries to calm the first lady by telling her ' This we were given yesterday at Citrus bar when we were drinking beer. The one removed was used as demonstration on how to put. Do u think i am mad to move with other women? Dont you know i love you and cant mix for you? Unfortunately, she did not buy that idea that time round and what followed after that is a story for tomorrow.
Another lesson from Theuri, do not put cds in your pocket. Carry with hand.
Kuwa mjanja. Usibebe condoms ama recept ya lojo.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Borrowing the Ancient Way: Kukumanga escapad
One time when in secondary school called Kagumo secondary, pupils of other schools come to our school for playing games. Me and one friend of mine we called Dobidobi had drawn that we must eat some girls come what come may. Dobi dobi came from Majei area of Nyeri town. He was named Dobidobi because when he drink bangi, he sing the song 'dobidobi' word to word. One day in form two, he tell me to drink bangi if want to be top pupil in class. He tell me, 'you know Karis, ?' I say yes. ' why do u think he is always on top. Its because he drink bangi. If you drink bangi, it will show you to read and you will be top'. I almost bought his idea because my number was always one hundred and something until i discovered he was always on tail.
Dobidobi was not a good borrower of things, but he was never short of ideas after drinking one muthogoto of bangi. He had telled me that one girl from his village was playing hockey and had refused to give dobidobi in village and was due to come to our school for playing.. So, he had hatched a plan. He asked me if i was interested in the girls and said yes. He said if i want to eat one baby of Kangubiri girls, he can organize and i must eat, as long as i contribute in buying Kukumanga. Kukumanga, for those who dont know is the medicine that is used to make women horses go on heat. I hear horses that are women can never get on heat unless they get a good dose of Kukumanga.
When girls came to school, after finishing playing, he called the girl and told her to call a friend of her we go to Muhoya Dorm where Dobidobi stayed to drink 'cold power' and bread as they look at pictures of us in album. Cold power was mixture of cold water, chocolate and sugar. We wented to the dormitory and Dobidobi prepared the cold power. He then laced the drinks of the ladies with Kukumanga.
I started drawing what to do because dormitory was full of many boys in corridor. Word had gonned around school that Dobidobi and Wanjohi had girls in their cube. We called one guy who was dorm mate called 'Shadow' to keep eye on entrance of our cube and prevent people from coming and peeping. He was nicknamed shadow because he was so black that you could only spot him after spotting his shadow. One day teacher come to class when electricity had run away and were using dim light and ask ' Who hang that shirt over there?' not knowing that it was person so black you cant see him in dark.
Assured that Shadow will keep all pupils at bay, i started touching touching the girl. Dobidobi was kinda dump, he was waiting for Kukumanga to take effect then he jump on her. Kukumanga i think doesn't take toll very fast or the dose was small because the girls were not getting on heat. I pushed my girl in bed and started caressing her small and almost non existence tits. She kinda got on heat but was too cautious. She said we cannot do today because her month was on corner.
I begged her to allow me at least one inch and promised i will not pour inside but could hear non. When we were reading during our time, there was no makobosto. Infact it was criminal to say word 'condom' She said it is not possible. I begged and begged and begged until i want to cry
'Tafadhari, nakuomba aki i wunt hurt you. mimi ukiniruhusu niingie, sitamwaga ndani. kwanza hata siftaingiza yote. Hata kama ni kuguzisha, ni sawa tu. Bora ukubali tu kidogo. iguze hapo kwa shimo'. One guy called Jonnie Kuhuta has told us before that women will say no even when she want to be climbed. He had said even if she say no, she mean yes. Dont expect her to say yes. you must fight your way.
I was on top of her with skirt hipped up and pantie still on. I took the pantie aside, then removed my josto and forced it in. Just when my josto was half inside, the girl started shouting
' oooi ngai fafa nimezaa, nimezaa. oooiii mwezi uko mbaya. oooi lazima nipate mimba. Aki wanjohi nitaambia mama nini na lazima nizae' (ooi God father, i have given birth. oooi the month is bad. oooi must get stomach. ooh Wanjohi what will i tell mother and its must i give birth)
'Dont worry, i wunt pour inside. please stay well well i insert all of it. ' i begged but she still was saying things. That time, pupils had milled around cube peeping how i was hammering somebody. The pupils were shouting ' Wanjohi chapa mtu kabisa' while clapping hands. When the girl hear pupils, she throw me out and clossed her legs together. I knew my game was over if i did not play smart. I told the girl if she refuse to let me in again, all those boys were waiting to eat her in turn and i can be the only one that protect her from those boys.
I begged her to let me go back to position i was in, put my josto half and i wunt even move it an inch once inside on inch. I begged her to just to let my penis feel wamth inside. Due to intimidation, she agreed. I shouted to the pupils to go away. I returned the josto in the position and immediately, the boys started clapping, others coming closer to watch. The girl throw me out again and disappeared in speed of Usain Bolt from Muhoya dorm. That time, i had not poured. I was feeling like i was being struggled in neck (ndaiguaga tari guitwo ndiraitwo mumero ini). I was too close to pouring and my testicles were all aching. I dont know if you know that stage, you are about to pour and you cant because the girl run off.
I took towel and went to wash my body with cold water. My tree was still standing, very straight and so was for the boys watching my action. There were like 40 pupils following me all asking how i was feeling as i have just done a girl. It was Dobidobi that called the boys to come see Wanjohi eating somebody after his girl failed to get on heat and left. I was so annoyed with the boys because they are the one that make the girl disappear. They follow me to ablution blocks and look at me as if i was president or a big actor they see on TV.
From that day, i know it is possible for a bird to fly even after all feathers are removed (niyumbukaga i mbute). From that day till today, when i get girl that refuse refuse, if she allow me to enter, i pour very fast, just incase she thinks otherwise in middle of action. I dont want that punishment again because my ball feel pain for many hours. Pain more worse than when you are kicked in the balls.
That day i was in form 3 and 17 yrs. The girl was almost same age and the story reminds me a song i hear by one guy called Franco wa Subu - 'Ni mwana uriku Njaji' At her age, she culd know she can get stomach, her days were bad. The song goes like this..
'Ni kwana uriku ui kuamukiria kiss, nimwana uriku uwi gukurira callender, tariki cia date ndangitiria mundu... ten tenennneeentnenen . (which baby know how to kiss, which baby know how to mark calender dates and cannot bounce a person..)
copy paste the url to listen to the song... >>>>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-akpNk45nw&feature=youtu.be
Has any of you ever been teriod like that?
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Dobidobi was not a good borrower of things, but he was never short of ideas after drinking one muthogoto of bangi. He had telled me that one girl from his village was playing hockey and had refused to give dobidobi in village and was due to come to our school for playing.. So, he had hatched a plan. He asked me if i was interested in the girls and said yes. He said if i want to eat one baby of Kangubiri girls, he can organize and i must eat, as long as i contribute in buying Kukumanga. Kukumanga, for those who dont know is the medicine that is used to make women horses go on heat. I hear horses that are women can never get on heat unless they get a good dose of Kukumanga.
When girls came to school, after finishing playing, he called the girl and told her to call a friend of her we go to Muhoya Dorm where Dobidobi stayed to drink 'cold power' and bread as they look at pictures of us in album. Cold power was mixture of cold water, chocolate and sugar. We wented to the dormitory and Dobidobi prepared the cold power. He then laced the drinks of the ladies with Kukumanga.
I started drawing what to do because dormitory was full of many boys in corridor. Word had gonned around school that Dobidobi and Wanjohi had girls in their cube. We called one guy who was dorm mate called 'Shadow' to keep eye on entrance of our cube and prevent people from coming and peeping. He was nicknamed shadow because he was so black that you could only spot him after spotting his shadow. One day teacher come to class when electricity had run away and were using dim light and ask ' Who hang that shirt over there?' not knowing that it was person so black you cant see him in dark.
Assured that Shadow will keep all pupils at bay, i started touching touching the girl. Dobidobi was kinda dump, he was waiting for Kukumanga to take effect then he jump on her. Kukumanga i think doesn't take toll very fast or the dose was small because the girls were not getting on heat. I pushed my girl in bed and started caressing her small and almost non existence tits. She kinda got on heat but was too cautious. She said we cannot do today because her month was on corner.
I begged her to allow me at least one inch and promised i will not pour inside but could hear non. When we were reading during our time, there was no makobosto. Infact it was criminal to say word 'condom' She said it is not possible. I begged and begged and begged until i want to cry
'Tafadhari, nakuomba aki i wunt hurt you. mimi ukiniruhusu niingie, sitamwaga ndani. kwanza hata siftaingiza yote. Hata kama ni kuguzisha, ni sawa tu. Bora ukubali tu kidogo. iguze hapo kwa shimo'. One guy called Jonnie Kuhuta has told us before that women will say no even when she want to be climbed. He had said even if she say no, she mean yes. Dont expect her to say yes. you must fight your way.
I was on top of her with skirt hipped up and pantie still on. I took the pantie aside, then removed my josto and forced it in. Just when my josto was half inside, the girl started shouting
' oooi ngai fafa nimezaa, nimezaa. oooiii mwezi uko mbaya. oooi lazima nipate mimba. Aki wanjohi nitaambia mama nini na lazima nizae' (ooi God father, i have given birth. oooi the month is bad. oooi must get stomach. ooh Wanjohi what will i tell mother and its must i give birth)
'Dont worry, i wunt pour inside. please stay well well i insert all of it. ' i begged but she still was saying things. That time, pupils had milled around cube peeping how i was hammering somebody. The pupils were shouting ' Wanjohi chapa mtu kabisa' while clapping hands. When the girl hear pupils, she throw me out and clossed her legs together. I knew my game was over if i did not play smart. I told the girl if she refuse to let me in again, all those boys were waiting to eat her in turn and i can be the only one that protect her from those boys.
I begged her to let me go back to position i was in, put my josto half and i wunt even move it an inch once inside on inch. I begged her to just to let my penis feel wamth inside. Due to intimidation, she agreed. I shouted to the pupils to go away. I returned the josto in the position and immediately, the boys started clapping, others coming closer to watch. The girl throw me out again and disappeared in speed of Usain Bolt from Muhoya dorm. That time, i had not poured. I was feeling like i was being struggled in neck (ndaiguaga tari guitwo ndiraitwo mumero ini). I was too close to pouring and my testicles were all aching. I dont know if you know that stage, you are about to pour and you cant because the girl run off.
I took towel and went to wash my body with cold water. My tree was still standing, very straight and so was for the boys watching my action. There were like 40 pupils following me all asking how i was feeling as i have just done a girl. It was Dobidobi that called the boys to come see Wanjohi eating somebody after his girl failed to get on heat and left. I was so annoyed with the boys because they are the one that make the girl disappear. They follow me to ablution blocks and look at me as if i was president or a big actor they see on TV.
From that day, i know it is possible for a bird to fly even after all feathers are removed (niyumbukaga i mbute). From that day till today, when i get girl that refuse refuse, if she allow me to enter, i pour very fast, just incase she thinks otherwise in middle of action. I dont want that punishment again because my ball feel pain for many hours. Pain more worse than when you are kicked in the balls.
That day i was in form 3 and 17 yrs. The girl was almost same age and the story reminds me a song i hear by one guy called Franco wa Subu - 'Ni mwana uriku Njaji' At her age, she culd know she can get stomach, her days were bad. The song goes like this..
'Ni kwana uriku ui kuamukiria kiss, nimwana uriku uwi gukurira callender, tariki cia date ndangitiria mundu... ten tenennneeentnenen . (which baby know how to kiss, which baby know how to mark calender dates and cannot bounce a person..)
copy paste the url to listen to the song... >>>>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-akpNk45nw&feature=youtu.be
Has any of you ever been teriod like that?
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Friday, April 8, 2011
Ever Stolen Change By Waiters..?
On Wednesday night, i went to watch football and when we beat somebody 1:0, i get very happy and drink much. I liked the way we bend overed somebody at their house. It was like going to a woman house, eat her thoroughly, then you refuse to leave hata pesa ya maziwa when they were refused penalty. It was so exciting, so i over drank and I was all over hangover yesterday that is why you did not see Wanjohi daily yesterday.
Today being Friday, many of you will go to bar and in one way or another, you will be stolen either change or in your order. I dont know why some bars employ waiters that are thieves. If bar employ thieves, they loose many customers like me. If i am stolen in a club, i don't go back there. One day, a waiter will die and find he has gone to Satan's. He will ask Satan, 'satan, what am i doing here? and Satan will tell him, 'you remember one man called Wanjohi wa kigogoine? the waiter will say yes. Then satan will ask him, 'Do u remember you stolen money of change when he come drink beer where you were written work?' He will say 'yes, but say it was small'. Then he will tell him ' that is why you are here. Infact, go near middle'
One long time, we come from long journey of Mombasa and go to Rim club in Langata. Those days, Rim club was saying around there. Mike Rua was singing there and he was not known much. We went and sat somewhere in middle and without looking at waiter name because of tired. I gave waiter 1k to sell 4 beers for us all. We sat and sat and and sat, and no beer came.
There there, we suspected we had been stolen. We tried to do guess work and call one waiter and ask him where is our beer and he say 'you did not send me any beer'. We call over 10 waiters and they all say it is not them we send.
We called the manager and he called all waiters for identification parade. To be honest, we did not know who we send and so there was no case. We were so mad, we did not drink there again. We knew the waiter was measuring somewhere watching us and laughing on inside with our 1k loot. From that day, if i want to 'kuonga mubera' (to suck mubera), i call waiter, check name and save it on phone as draft message, just incase i forget the name. I have to be that cautious. 1k is not small. That is why many waiters will never see heaven by their eyes.
The other way waiter steal is by bill. I noticed one day, we order our bill. Everything is written correctly, the number of beer ordered. But when you add, the lady had added 600 on top. that is another way they steal. If you think you are too clever to be stolen by adding extra beers in you bill, they do the calculations wrong. For eg, if you take 10 beers at 110, instead of giving you a total of 1,100, they will say like... 1,500. Since no drunk can do maths, you loose 400 bob. If you bring me bill , even if i am crawling of drunkenness, i take my phone calculator and add all bill one by one together. After all, i work hard for my money.
We also steal once once when a chance come. Theuri is notorious in thieving. Where they dont sell Viceroy in half, they only sell in tots, or their half Viceroy is 900 shillings, theuri goes to supermaket, buy half Viceroy and enter with it in club hidden. So, the waiter only sell soda and one tot, only to find Theuri getting mahiriri of soda and one tot. He remove the viceroy and put half glass, then return on pocket. When you enter people bar with your own drink hidden so that you dont buy their expensive stuff, that is thieving and it can throw you to Satan.
If a neighbor order meat and ask you to take one piece and you end up eating more than the one who had measured that meat, that is also thieving and it is punishable in hell. According to Theuri, what sin you do here on earth, you will be punished 10 times in Satan. That will be the punishment. If you thieve change or disappear with all money, you will be thieved in hell 10 times.
If you drink beer and it is sin, your punishment will be by drinking beer 10 times more in hell. If your work is muclimbano with prostitutes here on earth and it is sin, the punished will be to climb 10 times prostitutes in hell. If you smoke and it is sin, you will be smoking 10 times in hell. If you go to disco and it is sin and sing Reggae and Rock, you will be spending 10 times in hell's disco. If your work is to go to club and doent not measure meat, you wait for others to measure and you eat one peace too many, it is sin and in hell, your work will be of eat other people's meat 10 times. OOPS what a punishment.
Theuri goes on to tell me that in heaven, people will be surrounding God and singing praises (kugoca) to God.
Thats Theuri for you.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Today being Friday, many of you will go to bar and in one way or another, you will be stolen either change or in your order. I dont know why some bars employ waiters that are thieves. If bar employ thieves, they loose many customers like me. If i am stolen in a club, i don't go back there. One day, a waiter will die and find he has gone to Satan's. He will ask Satan, 'satan, what am i doing here? and Satan will tell him, 'you remember one man called Wanjohi wa kigogoine? the waiter will say yes. Then satan will ask him, 'Do u remember you stolen money of change when he come drink beer where you were written work?' He will say 'yes, but say it was small'. Then he will tell him ' that is why you are here. Infact, go near middle'
One long time, we come from long journey of Mombasa and go to Rim club in Langata. Those days, Rim club was saying around there. Mike Rua was singing there and he was not known much. We went and sat somewhere in middle and without looking at waiter name because of tired. I gave waiter 1k to sell 4 beers for us all. We sat and sat and and sat, and no beer came.
There there, we suspected we had been stolen. We tried to do guess work and call one waiter and ask him where is our beer and he say 'you did not send me any beer'. We call over 10 waiters and they all say it is not them we send.
We called the manager and he called all waiters for identification parade. To be honest, we did not know who we send and so there was no case. We were so mad, we did not drink there again. We knew the waiter was measuring somewhere watching us and laughing on inside with our 1k loot. From that day, if i want to 'kuonga mubera' (to suck mubera), i call waiter, check name and save it on phone as draft message, just incase i forget the name. I have to be that cautious. 1k is not small. That is why many waiters will never see heaven by their eyes.
The other way waiter steal is by bill. I noticed one day, we order our bill. Everything is written correctly, the number of beer ordered. But when you add, the lady had added 600 on top. that is another way they steal. If you think you are too clever to be stolen by adding extra beers in you bill, they do the calculations wrong. For eg, if you take 10 beers at 110, instead of giving you a total of 1,100, they will say like... 1,500. Since no drunk can do maths, you loose 400 bob. If you bring me bill , even if i am crawling of drunkenness, i take my phone calculator and add all bill one by one together. After all, i work hard for my money.
We also steal once once when a chance come. Theuri is notorious in thieving. Where they dont sell Viceroy in half, they only sell in tots, or their half Viceroy is 900 shillings, theuri goes to supermaket, buy half Viceroy and enter with it in club hidden. So, the waiter only sell soda and one tot, only to find Theuri getting mahiriri of soda and one tot. He remove the viceroy and put half glass, then return on pocket. When you enter people bar with your own drink hidden so that you dont buy their expensive stuff, that is thieving and it can throw you to Satan.
If a neighbor order meat and ask you to take one piece and you end up eating more than the one who had measured that meat, that is also thieving and it is punishable in hell. According to Theuri, what sin you do here on earth, you will be punished 10 times in Satan. That will be the punishment. If you thieve change or disappear with all money, you will be thieved in hell 10 times.
If you drink beer and it is sin, your punishment will be by drinking beer 10 times more in hell. If your work is muclimbano with prostitutes here on earth and it is sin, the punished will be to climb 10 times prostitutes in hell. If you smoke and it is sin, you will be smoking 10 times in hell. If you go to disco and it is sin and sing Reggae and Rock, you will be spending 10 times in hell's disco. If your work is to go to club and doent not measure meat, you wait for others to measure and you eat one peace too many, it is sin and in hell, your work will be of eat other people's meat 10 times. OOPS what a punishment.
Theuri goes on to tell me that in heaven, people will be surrounding God and singing praises (kugoca) to God.
Thats Theuri for you.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Muthee's First Time To Eat People
Probably you have heard this before but i saw it first hand. The origin of this story is Tetu Nyeri during our time. I was there and if anyone tell you different, they are lying and will go to Satan.
After getting circumcised it was a tradition to wipe rust (kuihura mbiro) in our tribe. This involved climbing a girl and never to climb her again. It was mugiro (illegal) to do her again. You only do her once. If you want to climbana again, look for another girl. If you did the lady that you wiped rust with, you are as good as someone with rust.
One boy called Muthee did not know how to borrow things. He was kinda shy or somthing. So, me, Timo and Agosto planned to borrow for him. We approached one girl in village that was Cierunde (easy lay) and had given almost all boys except Muthee. Her name was Wangui wa Nyina Nyagu. We asked her for the favor of giving Muthee her things and she agreed.
At night, we wented to her house and called her out. We took wangui to Thingira of Methee and told her to show muthee how to do a woman because he doent know. Then, we left Muthee at his thingira (cube) and hided behind thingira. We definitely knew there would be drama.
After a while, we hear the lady tell Muthee 'Ruta thuruari yothe arafu uke iguru (Remove all trouser). Shortly after we hear action start and our jostos also stand stiff hard.
Then muthee start sighing hard and when unable to tolerate the utam, he shouted 'uuuiii ooooohhh aaaa a arume, muiguaga oh uuu' (uuu aaaa Men, is this the way you feel all time?'
Then we tell muthee you dont talk when you are climbing. Climb the woman hard it when you feel mo utam utam. Then muthee start to shout
' uuu ninguthuguma' (ooh i want to urinate)
Timo then tell in loud voice 'Thuguma thiini' (Urinate inside her vagina). After that, our jostos were too hard to stay without urinating and we took Wangui and did her in turns before taking her back home.
Next day in village meet point, we meet Muthee telling people how he urinated on Wangui's pussy. We laughed and told Muthee that is not Urinating, it is called pouring.
From that day, Muthee become a he goat of village. At form 4, i hear he ate a CRE teacher that was on teaching practice. The teacher feel so good at Muthee's 'never pour fast' techinic that after exam, Muthee wented to her house and lived for one week.
I remember this story because of what happen in Eldoret a few days ago. I pity those boys because i am sure thats not what they meant. My advise is, dont try that at home. The laws have changed. If you do, you will be cooling off your dick in jail. Thats my advise ooh.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
After getting circumcised it was a tradition to wipe rust (kuihura mbiro) in our tribe. This involved climbing a girl and never to climb her again. It was mugiro (illegal) to do her again. You only do her once. If you want to climbana again, look for another girl. If you did the lady that you wiped rust with, you are as good as someone with rust.
One boy called Muthee did not know how to borrow things. He was kinda shy or somthing. So, me, Timo and Agosto planned to borrow for him. We approached one girl in village that was Cierunde (easy lay) and had given almost all boys except Muthee. Her name was Wangui wa Nyina Nyagu. We asked her for the favor of giving Muthee her things and she agreed.
At night, we wented to her house and called her out. We took wangui to Thingira of Methee and told her to show muthee how to do a woman because he doent know. Then, we left Muthee at his thingira (cube) and hided behind thingira. We definitely knew there would be drama.
After a while, we hear the lady tell Muthee 'Ruta thuruari yothe arafu uke iguru (Remove all trouser). Shortly after we hear action start and our jostos also stand stiff hard.
Then muthee start sighing hard and when unable to tolerate the utam, he shouted 'uuuiii ooooohhh aaaa a arume, muiguaga oh uuu' (uuu aaaa Men, is this the way you feel all time?'
Then we tell muthee you dont talk when you are climbing. Climb the woman hard it when you feel mo utam utam. Then muthee start to shout
' uuu ninguthuguma' (ooh i want to urinate)
Timo then tell in loud voice 'Thuguma thiini' (Urinate inside her vagina). After that, our jostos were too hard to stay without urinating and we took Wangui and did her in turns before taking her back home.
Next day in village meet point, we meet Muthee telling people how he urinated on Wangui's pussy. We laughed and told Muthee that is not Urinating, it is called pouring.
From that day, Muthee become a he goat of village. At form 4, i hear he ate a CRE teacher that was on teaching practice. The teacher feel so good at Muthee's 'never pour fast' techinic that after exam, Muthee wented to her house and lived for one week.
I remember this story because of what happen in Eldoret a few days ago. I pity those boys because i am sure thats not what they meant. My advise is, dont try that at home. The laws have changed. If you do, you will be cooling off your dick in jail. Thats my advise ooh.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Why I no longer send/Reply to Smses from Ladies
I not send sms to ladies again. I also dont save lady that will send me sms. This is because, if i am caught, i will say the person sent the wrong number. I have also stop saving Njeri's name as Kamau or Peter or Jemmo. I have learnt through the hard way. If you send sms that can alarm, i delete immediately. If people of skirt sms or call me, i delete the call history there there. It is through experience that i say that.
Two years ago, i have a girl that sms me everyday with sweet sms. Although most are from internet and forwarded, they were all love message. So as not to raise alarm with the first lady, i changed her name from Hilda to Njoro KTN. Mistake number one. When Njoro call, i dismiss 'I will call you back shortly' Mistake no. 2.
This Njoro KTN kept on calling even at late time but i dont know how to stop her because i was eating her every time and she had good hole. In wazee language, we call them " releaver wa mama) or standby generator. The standby generator of mine renamed Njoro KTN on phone had one of those vaginas that inside, feels like there are sand inside (muthanga). When inside, you feel like there are sand scratching scrathing you (muthanga uraguthua thua) . In other words, very rough.
There are few holes like those in this world. Even today when i remember her hole, my tree go straight and i call her and we go for a zilizopendwa. When i meet a girl who has no good hole, or good face, i imagine that my ex -'Standby generator' hole and i pour. You know there are holes that are too smooth and many water, or too cold. So, when inside, you dont know if you are out or inside. It is then that i imagine Hilda's hole and the sensation comes and i pour all that is in my testicles.
One day, first lady become suspicion of this Njoro. She ask herself, 'why is it only Njoro call and i say i will call back' yet others you speak very well?' When in birthroom one Sato morning, she edit Njoro KTN number and replace with hers. So, her number no longer read 'First Lady' but Njoro KTN. Original Njoro KTN goes. I had come late on Friday and i had obviously your gess is as good as mine who i had eaten the previous night. So, at 11 AM, i see first sms:
Sms from Njoro: 'Hi darling. you are so lovely. How did you enjoy jana's session'
Reply from me: 'kawaida it was the best. You are the sweetest thing in world'
njoro sms ' Really. Am i sweeter than your wife. Love you a million times'
I refuse to know why she ask about that because she is too disciplined for that, but i reply anyway ' indeed. i said you are the sweetest.'
Njoro sms ' By the way, i need to go to salon this afte. ebu si sendie 3 k saa hii'
Another shocker because she is not used to ask for money in sms, but i reply ' Sawa. nitatuma baadaye kidogo. In the middle of something'
Njoro Reply ' in the middle of what? are you in the middle of another woman?'
That time, first lady calls me through the house number and tell me she need money for salon. I tell her 'kwani wewe pesa zako unapelekanga wapi? Na si umetoka Salon juzi tu'? Account yako niliona iko na ma elfu. Si uende utoe na bado bank haijafungwo?"
She start cry and through tantrum on phone and call me names. I am used to that and i feel nothing.
After a while, Njoro sms again ' leo unanipeleka wapi? na unaniongezea pesa ya ka shopping. Sawa?' i replied that i will and leo its mugithi day at Jam Rescue. That time it was catching bad. This days i hear it is beaten too much.
We chat on sms for long. She ask me which stylo i like most because today she will give me until i am finished. I say the only stylo i dont like is doggy because my grandpa told me its for animals only.
After a short while, i send the money 5k to her. Kawaida, i retrieve number from the saved number. Something tell me i know this number better than that, it looks more familiar than i thought. I hit the send button and guess who number show on Mpesa after i send money" ' the first lady's!".
I go to phone and check again to see how i picked first lady number instead of Njoro KTN. when i go check who is saved as Njoro KTN, i see it is first lady. I feel urinal come near the penis. I pray if it is possible Alqaida bomb our building and i be the first to die. Then i remember i am a sinner and if hell is real, i will be its guest. I look out and see if i can jump out and fall dead.
I tremble all body and testicles. My mind go blank and cannot think again. After a while, my mum call me, she, say first lady call her crying and tell her all things. She say she is on way to Nairobi to attend to that. I dont know what to do, whether to run away to Egypt or what to do. I call my friend and tell them story. One of them tell me to deny all and say i all knew it is the first lady and that is why i sent the money for salon.
If you think Libyans and Japan have had a hard time, you should have been in my house. When i entered that house and see situation, mum crying and wife crying, i decide to run away small. I tell the story as i was advised, that how can i not know the first lady's number off head and i was just playing with her. Somehow somehow, they bought the story. But i say from that day, if a chick send me sms, i call back and talk. Whatever it is, i dont reply back to sms from ladies. NEVER AGAIN.
Theuri has seen it too. He thought he was clever by deleting sms. One day, his wife see sent messages to a girl. They were actually on delivery reports folder.
"Swirri, leo nakam uni shave. Kwanza naskia zangu tunaweza uza zikashone piece na tumake chapaa. Na leo unanyonya mpaka maheke. kama sio ivo sikuji" (sweeti, today i come you shave me. first i feel we can even sell them to make piece and we make money)
He denied and said he had given a friend called Wanjohi to use his phone. He say "Wanjohi ni jamaa mnjinga sana. What is this now? he cant even buy credit kwa simu. akiokoa jahazi yeye hulipa ten bob kila siku mpaka iishe".
He took phone and called me and started reading me for sending smses using his phone. He gave wife his phone to talk to me. I did not deny and she really read for me. I told her i will not borrow his phone again, although i had no idea about the texts. He calls me savior of his marriage and from that day, akapata akili pia.
I have also said, i will never safe ladies number as men's name. If i think you are worth the risk, i cram your number offhead. Like now, i know all this ladies no offhead: Chiku, lydia, Janet, Martha, Shiru, Wambu, Aggie, Ruth, Polly, Anastac, Abi, Nina, Soni, Maggie, Triza, Terry to mention but a few. And thats Wanjohi for you.
I remain,
Wanjogi wa Kigogoine
Two years ago, i have a girl that sms me everyday with sweet sms. Although most are from internet and forwarded, they were all love message. So as not to raise alarm with the first lady, i changed her name from Hilda to Njoro KTN. Mistake number one. When Njoro call, i dismiss 'I will call you back shortly' Mistake no. 2.
This Njoro KTN kept on calling even at late time but i dont know how to stop her because i was eating her every time and she had good hole. In wazee language, we call them " releaver wa mama) or standby generator. The standby generator of mine renamed Njoro KTN on phone had one of those vaginas that inside, feels like there are sand inside (muthanga). When inside, you feel like there are sand scratching scrathing you (muthanga uraguthua thua) . In other words, very rough.
There are few holes like those in this world. Even today when i remember her hole, my tree go straight and i call her and we go for a zilizopendwa. When i meet a girl who has no good hole, or good face, i imagine that my ex -'Standby generator' hole and i pour. You know there are holes that are too smooth and many water, or too cold. So, when inside, you dont know if you are out or inside. It is then that i imagine Hilda's hole and the sensation comes and i pour all that is in my testicles.
One day, first lady become suspicion of this Njoro. She ask herself, 'why is it only Njoro call and i say i will call back' yet others you speak very well?' When in birthroom one Sato morning, she edit Njoro KTN number and replace with hers. So, her number no longer read 'First Lady' but Njoro KTN. Original Njoro KTN goes. I had come late on Friday and i had obviously your gess is as good as mine who i had eaten the previous night. So, at 11 AM, i see first sms:
Sms from Njoro: 'Hi darling. you are so lovely. How did you enjoy jana's session'
Reply from me: 'kawaida it was the best. You are the sweetest thing in world'
njoro sms ' Really. Am i sweeter than your wife. Love you a million times'
I refuse to know why she ask about that because she is too disciplined for that, but i reply anyway ' indeed. i said you are the sweetest.'
Njoro sms ' By the way, i need to go to salon this afte. ebu si sendie 3 k saa hii'
Another shocker because she is not used to ask for money in sms, but i reply ' Sawa. nitatuma baadaye kidogo. In the middle of something'
Njoro Reply ' in the middle of what? are you in the middle of another woman?'
That time, first lady calls me through the house number and tell me she need money for salon. I tell her 'kwani wewe pesa zako unapelekanga wapi? Na si umetoka Salon juzi tu'? Account yako niliona iko na ma elfu. Si uende utoe na bado bank haijafungwo?"
She start cry and through tantrum on phone and call me names. I am used to that and i feel nothing.
After a while, Njoro sms again ' leo unanipeleka wapi? na unaniongezea pesa ya ka shopping. Sawa?' i replied that i will and leo its mugithi day at Jam Rescue. That time it was catching bad. This days i hear it is beaten too much.
We chat on sms for long. She ask me which stylo i like most because today she will give me until i am finished. I say the only stylo i dont like is doggy because my grandpa told me its for animals only.
After a short while, i send the money 5k to her. Kawaida, i retrieve number from the saved number. Something tell me i know this number better than that, it looks more familiar than i thought. I hit the send button and guess who number show on Mpesa after i send money" ' the first lady's!".
I go to phone and check again to see how i picked first lady number instead of Njoro KTN. when i go check who is saved as Njoro KTN, i see it is first lady. I feel urinal come near the penis. I pray if it is possible Alqaida bomb our building and i be the first to die. Then i remember i am a sinner and if hell is real, i will be its guest. I look out and see if i can jump out and fall dead.
I tremble all body and testicles. My mind go blank and cannot think again. After a while, my mum call me, she, say first lady call her crying and tell her all things. She say she is on way to Nairobi to attend to that. I dont know what to do, whether to run away to Egypt or what to do. I call my friend and tell them story. One of them tell me to deny all and say i all knew it is the first lady and that is why i sent the money for salon.
If you think Libyans and Japan have had a hard time, you should have been in my house. When i entered that house and see situation, mum crying and wife crying, i decide to run away small. I tell the story as i was advised, that how can i not know the first lady's number off head and i was just playing with her. Somehow somehow, they bought the story. But i say from that day, if a chick send me sms, i call back and talk. Whatever it is, i dont reply back to sms from ladies. NEVER AGAIN.
Theuri has seen it too. He thought he was clever by deleting sms. One day, his wife see sent messages to a girl. They were actually on delivery reports folder.
"Swirri, leo nakam uni shave. Kwanza naskia zangu tunaweza uza zikashone piece na tumake chapaa. Na leo unanyonya mpaka maheke. kama sio ivo sikuji" (sweeti, today i come you shave me. first i feel we can even sell them to make piece and we make money)
He denied and said he had given a friend called Wanjohi to use his phone. He say "Wanjohi ni jamaa mnjinga sana. What is this now? he cant even buy credit kwa simu. akiokoa jahazi yeye hulipa ten bob kila siku mpaka iishe".
He took phone and called me and started reading me for sending smses using his phone. He gave wife his phone to talk to me. I did not deny and she really read for me. I told her i will not borrow his phone again, although i had no idea about the texts. He calls me savior of his marriage and from that day, akapata akili pia.
I have also said, i will never safe ladies number as men's name. If i think you are worth the risk, i cram your number offhead. Like now, i know all this ladies no offhead: Chiku, lydia, Janet, Martha, Shiru, Wambu, Aggie, Ruth, Polly, Anastac, Abi, Nina, Soni, Maggie, Triza, Terry to mention but a few. And thats Wanjohi for you.
I remain,
Wanjogi wa Kigogoine
Monday, April 4, 2011
The Good, The Bad And The Ohh My God.....
For many times, i have telled myself that i will never do online dating. Long before facebook (oops fb aint dating site, or is it?) there was sms dating. I tried and failed miserably. All the girl that come are either beyong expired date or factory rejects. Then when facebook came, i tried and what a date they were... straight from hell.
From the experience it give me, i said that, i will never befriend anybody with no profile photo or, girls that put Rihana photos as their profile picture. I dont know what disturb us but i think is because of food we eat. We eat food that makes us feel like planting someone out. Others when situation become bad and use their hands until they pour. Ladies are advantaged because they can buy a toy that look like a man's tree and plant themselves. I dont know if there are toys that look like holes and if there were, i am not sure if anyone would buy.
From the experience it give me, i said that, i will never befriend anybody with no profile photo or, girls that put Rihana photos as their profile picture. I dont know what disturb us but i think is because of food we eat. We eat food that makes us feel like planting someone out. Others when situation become bad and use their hands until they pour. Ladies are advantaged because they can buy a toy that look like a man's tree and plant themselves. I dont know if there are toys that look like holes and if there were, i am not sure if anyone would buy.
I dated one that had Rihana photo as profile picture. I didnt know Rihana and had never seen her photos and so i was thinking this girl on facebook with Rihana phot was indeed herself.. beautiful and stuff. Everyday, i used to tell her she is the most beautiful girl have ever seen and she say everybody says that. Infact she said she used to be miss Campus in her college days. I filled myself (kujijaza) and invited her for drink. I had even borrow online and she say ok. I was longing to see evening come so that i see this hot chick. I has been imagining all week how i will plant her.
I tell her i will marry her as second wife. I tell her my grandpa, who i am named after had three wifes and so who i am not to have 3 wifes? although she know its joke, she believed that i can at least keep her. Her last name is Gathoni and i sing her a popular song everyday:
'njukite ngiuragiriria kwa nyina wa gathoni, kairetu keru gaceke, na njuiri no ta ya Borana. Gathoni, nigwenda, nguthua thuage mukonyo (I have come asking for mother of Gathoni home, a thin brown girl and hair is like Borana. Gathoni, i want to be scratching scratching your navel daily)
She entered box and that evening, I had asked her where she want to drink beer. She she say she only like Tropez. I had called my friend Theuri (kiherehere friend of mine) to come and see what i will be eating for dinner. Since i wanted to appear a regular there, i called one waiter and gave her 2k. I told her that my order of beer is pre-paid in cash. When she bring my round, she should write me a bill and put it on glass, now that she has my 2k already. The idea was to show the Rihana look alike girl that i drink on bill on big places like Tropez. Am a biiig man.
When evening arrive, i hear sms ring. It was her, she said she is at outside wearing red blouse. So i wented out and tried to look for Rihana. I saw one girl in similar description but doubted it was her. I thought - 'this can't be Tina. a a' .
If i say she was black it might be an understatement, but if you have seen Sudan people, she is a little blacker than them. Black is beauty, but for heavens sake, it is problem when you put many red lipstick, when everything is overdone. Red blouse is cool but.. mgongo wazi (bare back) with very thick black bra straps at the back? a a. Then, she wear black stockings and the legs are chicken thin? ah ah!
I decided to try her number and see who will answer. When i saw who answer phone, i quickly cut phone and started to plan how to escape. But her eyes were on me and i see she smile and come towards me. When i saw her big bag i hear people call fornication bags, i start to imagine what is inside..
'Are you Wanjohi?' She asked as she lift one hand up to hag me.
'ye ye yes. and are you Tina?
'YES. i am Tina. Pleasure to meet you at last..'
'The pleasure is all mine'. I had heard from Nigeria movie what you say when someone say pleasure to meet you.
I then invited her to Tropez upstairs to where Theuri and others were seated. Almost everybody turned when we enter. I introduced her to Theuri. Theuri has no brakes and started laughing and say is this Tina? She looks flying dude'.
He then tell her how we have been planning to take dowry to mama Gathoni. Theuri whispers to me and say ' Dude, you say you cant eat some things, but that is somethings. But dont worry, the only bad hole is of snake. And like her last name Tina, she had big itish'
'Again, you see girls who look like her, its advantage because most men dont notice them. Try and you will see, she has tight hole. Maybe she is her not been dug even once' I tell her am not interested. He say then we should split. "ndigano njuru no ya kihii (the only bad separation is of uncircumcised boy)
But anyway, no one is too ugly for men, it is criminal to dress in some ways. Theuri took over after sometime and i climbed her big time. He told me she has fire, she did not let Theuri sleep. Every time, she wakes Theuri up and tell him to dig again. The way Theuri put the story makes my tree stand when i remember how he tell me the story. The downside, according to Theuri was that she said she can never put his penis in her mouth. She say she can vomit even for thinking of putting a penis in her mouth.
Beaten twice thrice shy, i said i will never date anybody from Facebook. But this girl kept on poking me many times. She looked real because she had many photos of her with friends even in parties. We became friends too much and talked on phone every day. Everyday when i invite her, she refuse and tell me 'What would you do if you found i don't look at hot as i look in face-book?'
I tell her i wouldn't do anything. "Kwanza mimi sipendi madem wakali sana. naskianga insecure" (I don't like bitter ladies. I feel insecure). She later showed up one Saturday. She did not look an inch of that girl on facebook. I am not sure if we climbed one another but all i remember was a knock on door of room asking for bed sheets and a pack of used makobostos. ' we fungua ulushe machuka hapa ije. Mathaa imepita sana' Later, I learned that all the pics in her albums and prof pics are of her sister. I dont know why because she did not look too bad.
Old habit die hard. I defied my language that says " Iri gwithamba iticokaga gwota mwaki" ( that has bath dont bask in fire again) when i see another hot one on fb. But i played cautiously this time. I wanted to be sure if the hot girl is herslf, i asked her to tell me where she work so that i send Pizza by deliveries and she agree. I call the delivery man later and he tell me she is supper hot. So, i get courage and call her for beer. When she turns up, she turns up with two female friends and a young man she say is their young brother. Then the stuff they order are incredibly 'ooh my God'
My date said she want Vodo just like her brother and the other lady shots of tequila. I tell waiter to bring half Vodo as i inquired what the hell Tequila was. My date say no, they want it in shots. Four shots of Vodo is equivalent of half vodo in price. I wanted to protest but my spirit was weak.
Later when they got mahiriri, i heard the bro say
"ule jamaa alitubaiya KC jana... alinipigia.."
then she replied "aende nauko na ma KC zake. kwanza niko na Kibao moja kwa hao. tuko filled up leo..."
I interjected and said "Mimi sipendi KC. kama niko mtaani, mimi napenda Naps." I said that to measure their brains (kuwapima akili) After that, i refused to buy another shot for them. Talk of class.
From that day, i pinched myself and said, if i meet someone on facebook, they remain fb friend.
But if you must and want to be sure if she is hot or not, ask for her office location and send a pizza through deliveries. Or find out what they deal in where she works. Armed with those info, go to the office incognito and pretend to buy the services they are offering. If you dont like what you see, hit the delete ' button pap.
I remain,
Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine.
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