Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Lifting Johnie Up Up Part 2

This is lifting majohnie up part two.

I am sure you must have forgotten this Lifting Majonnie up up story. I also had forgotten it had it not for Bountiful Safaris Safaris who are offering incredible Easter offers and among the destinations they have offers for, there are chances of meeting. Theuri and I have made an Easter booking one and I hope not to lift one up up ever again. (You can visit http://www.bountifulsafaris.com For more information)

To remind you small about this story, there was this persons who had refused to put it on head for me piu piu despite trying all tricks on earth. Buying dogogio until she refused to know herself but where. I was only now remaining to take her to Bishop Helicopter to have her name checked if its written in the book of life.
The other thing I had not done was to take her out of town. And like I have telled you before, there is one guaranteed way of making a persons put thuruari on head: take her out of town, far from where she can take a taxi home and as long as it’s a place she will have fun. Don’t take a persons to Ngarua where people refuse to know or Kimende. Talk to bountiful Safaris if the only place you know out of town is Warufaga gwa Kiongo.

After buying her that fridge of air on that Saturday morning to spice up the 180 angle, we set out on our journey until Nanyuki. Theuri, Akuku, mpesa and two other guys and persons for each of us.
It is this us, until Sportsman’s Arms where the most notable revelers are Majonnies.

For those who don’t know Majonnie, these are United Kingdom’s version of KDF.
As part of the training and to make them more badass, every year, The queen of England sends several thousand to harness their killer instinct in this beloved country. Once once, upon slightly provoked, they harness their killing instincts on poor bar patrons in this bar.

Where we satted upstairs, it is only us, our persons, trappers and waiters that were black, the rest were all majonnies and a few other Europeans who owns all land in Laikipia. Any other matafaka sits downstairs. Upstairs is usually reserved for Europeans, white landowners of Nanyuki, Majonnies, trappers and those who have death wish. We didn’t have any death wish, we just didn’t know. That’s why we sat upstairs.
Groups and groups of them were coming in, all sober and minding their business. As time went by and as dogogio ate them little by little, they started being unruly, calling every trapper in there and sometimes confusing our persons for trappers. Our persons would look them bad and throw saliva out, though in their hearts, they were wishing we weren’t there they get climbed by Majonnies and move to Europe when Majonnie returns. This was even confirmed when another Majonie song singed for them by an Oga lady was played by the DJ, coz all the persons we were with stooded up to sing along

“I’m looking for Majohnny Where is Majohnny? Jonny come jonny com”

But they were playing double standard because when Majonny stooded up to dance with them, they would sit down.

When their advances were rejected by the persons we were, they were refusing to know how persons were rejecting them.

So, when they would be reject, they would talk in English of nose which I don’t hear even small unless they type subtitles. The only few words I would hear was like “cock sucker” “bitch” “motherfucker” “cunt”
Theuri and I would abuse them back in the same measure.
Small, almost deliberately, one Johnie whose ancestors were Chineese based on his facial features falled on my drink and it all poured on table.

Refusing to know how he does that to a leader, I stood up and lifted him up up and dragged him down the stairs in full speed. He was only landing with toes.

When mid journey of dragging him, it is then that it occurred to me that I was dragging a queen’s army, a guy trained to fight ISIS for all his life and a good student of Bruce Lee.

Head returned to normal small and realized that I should not have even dreamed of lifting him up up in the first place. One of those moments you realize you have just made a very very wrong decision like JAP where either way, you are fucked. One foot is on the banana peel and one foot on the grave. You refuse to know if to continue with lifting Johnie up up and end up with broken ribs or you drop him and still end up with broken ribs. Either way, you are still fucked.

Head telled me to drop him and lost for my life. Looking back, two Jonnies were following running to rescue their colleague. On the other side, trappers of sportsman’s arms were cheering me as if what I was doing something that was going to earn me a gold medal.

Theuri and my group did not leave their seats. They continued to drink as if no Jonnie had been lifted up.
With the moral support I was getting from the trappers, I lifted him higher and dragged him until end of stairs.
When I dropped him, I started to count how many more seconds I had to live without broken ribs because that was imminent.

He remained still, not reacting even small as if he had not been liften up up. He appeared like he had refused to believe even in dream that a mere stomached man had lifted him up up without fearing to be broken all bones.

In his head, he was saying, if I know one jab would be enough to make me refuse to know myself piu piu. This was the first time ever a reveler had even dared to lift a Johnie up
When I saw he was about to start believing that indeed he had been lifted up, I removed my phone and pretended to make a call to police.

If there are anything Jonnies fears, it is Kenyan police. I hear if a complain is made against them, the case is taken over by their military police where they see news. There is nothing as feared in their barrack as military police. When they sin, they are telled in loud voice

“You puke, I’m gonna tear you a new asshole. Get on your knees scumbag”
None of them like the experience of military police.

So, I lifted phone and telled them

“I am calling the police. The OCPD is my friend, you will see what you have never seen”
When I saw the fear registered in their faces, I continued

“Do you know who I am? Do you know the Army commander is my brother!, he will personally come here. You will see and refuse to know niggas”

Their Jonnies colleagues came and begged for peace. They begged and begged and saided I be given 5 of what I was taking. We resolved the matter.

But the experience made me shook bells so much that I did not return upstairs immediately.
After fear was removed piu piu I returned until upstairs.

As time went by, they started to leave one by one until only a few remained. Among those that remained was the one I had lifted up

Small, the one I had lifted up up with two others started to abuse me but this time, I did not return even one abuse.

The confidence in him telled me he was no longer afraid of being telled “On yo knees puke” by their military police and he no longer feared my army commander brother. All he wanted was to break my few of my bones. I just bended my head as if nothing was happening, though I was shaking even pancrease. He was waiting for me to return so that I see what KDF of UK is made of.

Theuri in small voice telled me in ear

“Gaikie ngundi ya inioro aya angi maingirira naithui tuingirire” (throw him a jab on his nose, if others enters, we also enter)

I bended my head more.

He continued to call me a bitch etc and showing me middle finger almost inserting the finger on my nose. When I looked up small and saw his chineese features again, reminding me of Bruce Lee and Jackie chan’s skills, head telled me to even pretend I had slept on the table. Even if I am beaten slap, I assume I was not beaten. Another of them, not Chineese but a huge European with tattoos all over looked like a matafaka who can climb each of us kwa nyeni, drink all our beers and do so with a smile on his face.

He continued middle fingering salute, and twice, he literally inserted on my nose. I remained still like a rained chicken.

The trappers who were earlier giving me moral support now turned againt me and started to give Majonnie moral suport. One saided in loud voice
“I ndukumarumaga tene. Kai thaa ici utararia?” (You were abusing them before, why are you not talking now)

As the trappers taunted me and Jonie harassed me, I overheard one trapper say
“niui last weekend nimaroragire kairetu na gutiri kundu matwariruo” (Last weekend they killed a trapper here and they were taken nowhere).

There there, one of my bells returned to stomach and josto shrunk and returned same size as it was when I was 5 years old.

One by one, Theuri and all others losted until room, leaving me and my persons.
All this while, I remained with my head bowed down like a rained chicken for fear if I looked at them, their killer instincts would be activated.

When all Johnies and any other white element in that hotel left, I got up and saided in loud but shaking voice “Ita kamundu kau wone uria ngugeka. Niui tugithomera black belt, tweriruo ndukanahure mundu mureu. No iu ni matuika too much” (Where is that boy you see what I will do to him. When I was being taught black belt, we were telled not to beat a drunk, but that biy is too much)

My persons telled me not to fight. Until room.

When we reached room, even after seeing shaved tiita and legs putted at 180, tree behaved as if it does not know what tiita is, leave alone shaved tiita.

When she saw I was not responding in jumping on her like I had promised to make her feel it until throat, she stretched hand to touch touch zig that I had been singing to her about, a zig that stretches until she feels it at throat.

On touching, she returned hand soo fast as if she had touched something that bited her.

I refused to know why. I stretched hand to also feel what was bitting near my josto.

It is a soo small josto she had felt that she refused to know what that was. Again, she had only felt one bell as one bell had returned to stomach and refused to come out.

After the trauma was over, she returned hand and played with it to make it wake up but where. In her head, she new she will feel as if air was entering because of its small size but since a fridge had been bought, she had to contend with the content.

After unsuccessfully trying to wake it up, she decided to down to try to wake up the smallest josto she had ever come across by teasing teasing with mounth but where.

After another unsuccessful attempt, she decided to suck the one bell that had not returned to stomach so that josto can wake up but where.

She gave up and started consoling me now.

She telled me that even her former boyfriend had a small josto, though twice than mine and had problem ukiaring like me. One day, she took him to a certain man of cloth and after they planted seed, the josto added a few inches and ukiaring stopped being a problem.

Small, because men have no doer of good, when his problem of ukiaring finished, his zip remained down. He climbed anything that had hole until she decided to leave him.

She telled me that she can refer me to that man of cloth with good heart, if I want to lost, I lost, she had helped a creature of the lord. She telled me she can even give me his no I mpesa and he prays for me remotely.

I telled her that we will send tomorrow of that day. Small, I felled asleep.

In the morning, I woke up to find her touching touching the bell that had not returned to stomach. I don’t now what sorcery she was doing or if she was refusing to know how comes one can have one bell and josto size of a small finger and still dare to take a persons all the way to Nanyuki and beat chest of how she will feel josto until throat.

When she saw I had woken up small, she telled herself to go down again and suck the small josto so that she can say atleast she sucked, fridge has been repaid well in kind.

Small, I saw a persons thrown until wall. When my head registered that I was with this persons I had tried to climb for years, josto sprung up with full force on her mouth, pushing her in full force until wall.
She force was soo enormous that she even fainted.

I did first aid on her for several things. First for trauma of being thrown on wall and 2nd, the trauma of seeing a small josto turn into mighty zig zag that stretched until ceiling without the assistance of the man of cloth and three, trauma of seeing a one belled man grow another bell instantly, she removed from the comma.
I then made her put legs at 180 and since she was born, she had never experienced a man that lasted that long. She poured 3 times before I poured my first. But this is what was happening. When I was about to pour, the ghost of Johnie I had lifted up up would show up and pours would return to stomach.

As we removed from Nanyuki, she had had enough climbing to last her 6 months without wanting any josto again.

A day later, when she realized the fridge was air. She went to Safaricom and bought a those sms package worth a million bob or more. She then sent me 100 sms per second, all of abuses. And she was a real exorcist because even after blocking her, her smses were coming. Or maybe Safaricom were aiding her due to the huge business she had given them.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyno & CCTV.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

How I Ended Up With Leah Like Jacob

Long time ago, when the Earth was still young, there was a dude called Jacob, the bro to Esau. You need to have read bible to know about this story but in short,  he was once  swinging around Israel when he saw a sunlike persons. She was named Rachel. His tree stretched until knee.  He went until Rachels parents and negotiated a very horrible contract where he was to work for 7 years without pay in order to get a chance to dangle on Rachels. The father agreed. Rachel had a sister, quite Orangutan until no man in that whole village would want to dangle on hers.

After Jacob serving Laban for 7 matafaking years, he was called aside by Laban and telled that he can now ake the bride.

Excited that he was going to dangle, he invited all his friends to come party. I am not sure if this happened but I guess fed on dogogio until he refused to now himself.  He was then led to room by Laban. He touched and felt persons in the bed making his tree stretched until knee. He touched brookie of the ‘Rachel’ climbed her until morning emptying his bells piu piu.

When morning came, he turned over only to see he had climbed Leah instead of Rachel. He refused to know.

This is exactly what happened to me a while back, thanks to Theuri the Laban.

On this day, I called another Cambodian sun who had been promising to put thuruari on head for me as long as dogogio will come to come. I telled her to come with a friend who was ready her bean made tired without making life hard for the borrower.

And as usual, as you may have observed, majority of sunlike persons walks with persons who have beaten piu piu. It is imposible to find one sun with another sun. That’s 8th wonder of the world.

This particular one looked like she had employed a well eaten bouncer to be beating her one jab on the face every morning. She had two or three front teeth missing and the remaining were brown piu piu.  Her eyes too were exactly like that of Leah the daughter of Laban and had her eyebrows drawn to extend until ears, she drinks Tusker and talks in a heavy Kitui accent.  In short, she was reincarnation of Leah. But she had body of model and thutha of Sidika. But as you know, thutha and figures are kachumbari. Cute face is the meat. You cant go to a butchery and say you have come to eat Kachumbari 1kg.

When they entered, Theuri telled me in ear “uria wi muoyo njira ino tinie ndareheruo? (that one who is alive tell me this one its not what she has brought me)

I telled him to relax we buy her dogogio then she go.

Small, Theuri telled me in ear

“Munene reke nguire, niwona mahiki maya machapu. Me murigo utahana. Nie ndiui uria guthiaga na reke nguire, me murigo mutight mutight! ta ngoma (Leader, let me tell you. These persons that have beaten, let me tell you, they have a tiita that you refuse to know. I don’t know how it goes, but their tiita you cant find it anywhere. Very tight like satan”

I started getting happy because head telled me Theuri has accepted to climb her.

He beated and beated drums for persons who have beated until I was almost starting to hate sunlike persons.

We continued to drink, beating stories here and there. Small, I saw my persons start to take some interest on Theuri because of the phone calls he was making.

I started to listen to the calls and followed the conversation.

“Wakahare, wimmuega huaine? mbathii niupakire? Niwaihuria maguta? Niwarora kana spare ina miruki to hau niho muriganagiruo muno? (wakahare, have you parked the bus? Have you filled it with oil? Have you checked  whether the spare leg has air because that is where you forget more?)

He cutted that one and made another call. From far, I could see he was dailing Akuku's No. He then putted phone on speakerphone mode then started talking while papasaring his stomach with one hand like rich.

Theuri: Haroo.

Akuku: Muneneeeeee! (Biggie!!)  (sounding drunk and in a bar)

Theuri: Nyukwaa. Ni kunyua uranyua mbeca  iria mwatinda mukinjia ? (Mother! Is it drinking you are drinking money you have stayed stealing from me?)

Akuku: (Now realizing Theuri is inserting someone box says) Pole munene, ino nikuguriruo ndaguriruo  (this one I was bought)

Theuri: Mbathi niupakire ?(Did you park the bus?)

Akuku: Umuthi tuthukumite muno munene, no forithi na kanjoo irathumbura muno(we have made a lot of money today but police and kanju are disturbing much)

Theuri:  Nindamuheire budget ya kanju na forithi. Ta njira atiri, to maguta nimaguire I, nikii mbathi icio ciakwa iraihura ona thogora uria wa tene(I gave you budget of kanjo and police. Now, tell me, because oil has falled, why is it that they are still being filled with the same money as before)

Akuku: Aca munene, riu turasave ngiri inya o muthenya (No leader, we are saving 4k daily)

Theuri cutted phone. He made 3 other such calls to people who can make deal and asked about his buses.

He then cutted and saided in loud voice

“niwamenya mbathi nicio ithumburaga. Koruo marori nimathumburaga ingiahura thimu kinya kiroko. (You know buses gives me headache unlike my trucks. If they were, I could make calls until tomorrow)

There there, I saw my persons was only wanting to hear Theuri. But in my head, I didn’t imagin that she could be stolen on day one. Head was telling me that maybe tomorrow of that day, she will be invited when I am not there and come nayu nayu.

He then picked phone again

 “Wewe!, urihama? Ulipaka nyumba yangu rangi ama nijipakie tukate kwa deposit? Deposit utarudishio kama utapaka rangi. Ee? sawa kama umepaka. But razima nikuje nikague kama umeharibu, nitakuja next week. Wacha kusema tafadhari. Kata simu na sipendagi tenant kunipigia simu usiku” (He even forgoted that he was the one who had made the call)

He made several until I stopped following.

Dogogio came to came until I refused to know myself piu piu until I dozzed off as usual.. They continued to drink.

Small, I was woken up to go to room. I was not knowing myself even small.

I held my persons hand and left for room.

To cut to the chase

Inside the room.

It is me, pointing zig.

The moment tree touched lips, she started

Woiyyeyeye mamee woiyee eee mameeeee

I refused to know she is saying mbus yet it is only head that had entered.

When it was all in, still saying those mbus of upus, she lifted one leg and rested her gatende on mukuruguthu of leader where ordinarily when we were monkeys, where tail used to remove from.

Twaff twaff ooh, her mbus became louder and louder.

As her mbus became louder and playing her hands all over me my body, armpits, nipples, inserting finders in my ears all at the same time I refused to know if there was an extra persons hidden under the bed (same style wagangas from Tanga hide people under the bed to talk as wangwana) one papasaring the body and the other one closing ears. Only a Cambodian with special juju powers can achieve that feat.

She contined saying mbus

“uui bambbbeee aaaaa sitawai kuwaayaaa ayi mbaby I love you.. ndeeper, ndeeper mbembii mbabeeeeee sitawai kuwayaa aki sita wai, ingisa kavisa! ing’isa kavisa yote yote”

I understand Kamba perfectly well, so I knew what she was saying.

She then stopped saying mbus and swinging and asked me

“utawai niaya?”

I refused to know.

Among the things I fear in life, it is hot uji, Mukanju and Kitui Cambodian. I have serious fears for those. I have been made to believe that they can plant kamuti on you until you will transfer all your wealth to them and leave yourself with nothing.

She asked again in louder voice “mbambi utawai niayaa?”

Here, head was telling me that I was about to unknowingly swear unbreakable allegiance  to her so that I can transfer my trucks and stairs to her, or worse,  satan had been looking for an opportunity to inscribe 999 on my forehead and here, he had found a perfect opportunity.

When I refused to answer, the matapaka removed the leg that had been stationed at where tail used to be and straightened the other one as if to tell you, wake me up when you are done.

I gave in. In small voice, I saded “apana, sitawai” But in heart, I knew I will not pick her calls again.

“akia Wanjoi  nikuni en yoe? sema akianani" She asked.

Akia nani” I replied.

 There there, she returned leg on my tail and the other one bended in a way to make her swinging faster and perfect. In my head, I concluded that when Satan will come to insert 999 on people’s  forehead, he will not secretly insert chips as many speculate. He will not use PINs or anything complicated for that matter and he will not do it secretly. He will time when you have just inserted josto on a Cambodian persons then stops you small to ask if you want 999 or josto be removed. In that way, he will not get one refuser.

Twaff twaff, small, I poured and collapsed on top of her.

She asked me “kwani ni alaka aye? Atsi, mimi siyatoza”

She pushed me away from her top, removed from bed, went to latrine, cutted a tissue, came, removed makobosto and putted me another one.

She then lay and telled me to come on top so that she can finish also.

Tree had not fully remove air so before it hohad,  I inserted again and started pumping again, though very very bored.

Small, she was like "nakuya! nakuya! nimekuyaaa!"

I removed josto and fell asleep immediately.

 Small, I was woken by women of sheets knocking the door. You know the way they knock as if they are trying to flush out an ISIS ouf of the room

“wewe ! Customer customer toa machuka! customer customer hauskii? Ebu turuchie cheets”

I felt myself and tried to open eyes. On my chest, there was a hand of persons rested there. I turned small and the first thing I noticed was mapengod persons. I refused to know how she lost some teeths overnight coz last night she had all. I refused to know how she has become black and she was yellow yellow last night. I  refused to know how  her other teeth changed to brown overnight.

She then saided “mbembi umeamka. Uko sawa, wewe ni ndume aki. Unayua kupanya kasi kabisa. Nayua unataka kayoti ya hasuvui?

Head refused to know, last night, she was speaking without accent, now she has gained accent.

I turned aside to try to comprehend when she saided

Mbambee, na yana ulini pulomis utanivea elvu tano na ulisema via ati utanivea vrat moya nilipishange. Siyai ona mwanaume wa nguvu kama wewe.

I sat down and hoped what i am seeing is not true.  “Leah” lay  besides me

I refused to know how it happened and suspected it is Theuri the Laban that insert me box.

I removed from room in speed and called Theuri.

“We itina riri niatia urekire mani? Kai kurathire atia? (you ass, What did you do man? How did it go?”

He returned “Urandeheire mori chapu uguo arafu iranyua tusker kai ndi muguruki? mimi ni mguruki? (You brought calf that has beated that even drinks tusker, am I mad?”

He then telled me that I am the one who saided I want that one until my persons was offended and decided to give theuri all holes because of anger.

I quit dogogio until the following day.

ION Kikuyu adults plays are back. Ikenia Arts​ starting  month.

 I am,

Dagitari Onjohi