tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22018678602357930222024-03-05T01:38:47.097-08:00Wanjohi wa KigogoineUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger166125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-46812664589548508932016-06-08T04:04:00.003-07:002016-06-08T04:04:34.025-07:00My Visit to a Mganga from TangaIn my last story of giant, I told you that I was determined to find
a solution to lasting longer than 9 secs (Mrs Mbugua's encounter was 5
secs) and climbing above 3 jotis. After having failed to get a generator
from Mchingchong, my next search for a good solution was at
"Mganga wa Tanga".<br />
<br />
I was swinging bells in Ngara when I found
one of those mnganga posters. Among the million solutions listed, was
"Nguvu sa kiume". I called the number and the mganga responded. He
directed me to his base, behind Family bank ngara. He telled me to take
the route that removes you to Kariokor and in 50 miters, I beat corner,
beat again until bra bras and when I reach there, I call him he will
pick me.<br />
<br />
I asked how much was the cost. He saided its free but
might need to appease the ancestors with anything I wished. I asked how
much they like. He saided even 500 bob.<br />
<br />
Although those are the
kind of people I would shake bells meeting, my determination to cross
from River road to Nairobi of up made me go to those miles. Again, this
is not a place you would want anyone to know that you have ever visited.
So, I bought a cap to hide face just incase someone saw me entering at
mgangas. It is me until near that building he directed me to and called
him.<br />
<br />
A smartly dressed young man of like 25 years appeared and
asked if was the one calling. I saided yes. He telled me to follow him
until a shanty behind that building. In my head, I had an image of
mganga registered as old shaggy thing wazees based on thos Oga movies/
So, I filled for myself that that must be the nganga's errand boy.<br />
<br />
Inside two roomed mabati shanty, I was given a seat and the boy walked
out. In the other room, I could hear song called my brother by Demathew
playing. I refused to know how mganga of Tanga loves Kikuyu songs. Head
telled me that maybe the other room was of another tenant. <br />
He
returned and asked me to go buy a chicken for sacrifice and on my way
back, I pick 3 stones. I asked where. He telled me near the road. I
telled him or he go buy I give him the cash. He saided ok, I give him
600 bob.<br />
<br />
When he returned with the chicken, he telled me for stones, I must pick myself.<br />
<br />
Outside the 'shrine' is those garage. I removed out and prayed that let no one who knows me sees me there. <br />
As I was okotaring stones, with vagina of my eyes, I could see those
mechanics looking at me with mercy. In their head, filling for
themselves that I have gone to be made rich and feeling mercy for me
because if it was true the wangangas make people rich, they would be the
first to be rich.<br />
<br />
I returned at the "shine" waiting for mganga.
The same boy who picked me sat on the carpet and telled me to remove
shoes and sit as well, legs folded. He was the mnganga. Between me and
him, there4 were assorted paraphernalia and a pot that can cook githeri
of 10 people.<br />
<br />
He asked me for my name. I had heard that you dont
need to tell mganga of Tanga your name, he will know through his
powers. so, I refused to know, if the guy was to give me supernatural
powers of making me climb plus 3 jotis and lasting as long as I want,
why does he not use the powers to know my name. I saided I test his
satan and know if he will know if i lied. I telled him I am called Kabia
Mwaniki. He telled me to throw something for wangwana on the mat so
that we could begin the ritual. I threw 500 bob.<br />
<br />
He took the chicken and in a split of a sec, he removed its head and as it struggled
to die, she saided a few words to praise wangwana.<br />
<br />
He then asked
me what I would like the ancestors do for me. Head telled me that
instead of asking to be made to climb 3 jotis in order to please Mrs
Mbugua of Faiba my could be sponsor, I saided let me ask for riches
myself. I telled him I want to be rich.<br />
<br />
He took those his
paraphernalia and started to summon Wangwana. " Punjab Waititum murkha che!!. Tame
chokaro mbai omchanti che bai, ke je grahaka seva apava jai mumbai calkata bhai" and such stuff<br />
<br />
Small, the house was shaking, its like people were beating that shanty
from outside. He telled me that thats how wangwana enters when they
leave the indian ocean.<br />
<br />
Small, the wangwana started to talk
inside the pot. Although I had some doubt s about the mganga boy, I
started to believe he was a true mganga. He had earlier telled me that
he was left power of uganga by his father who died years back. I was
scared like hell. "Kabia Mwaniki, utatupatia niniii iri tukupatie
utajiri. sisi kama wangwana twataka Ngome mbiri, moja ya rangi wa bleki,
ingine ya kijano kibishi, kuku mia moja, mbusi saba, na shillingi elfu
thalathini. Oya, sisi ni wangwana kutoka bahali ya hinduuu"<br />
<br />
The
mganga telled me to respond. The accent to wangwanas was refusing to
inginana. They were struggling to talk like Swahilis. In my head, I
saided maybe they were tring to talk in simple simple swahili so that I
could also catch. I saided ok. I regretted why I had lied my name
because even wangwanas were now calling me a name that was not mine.<br />
<br />
The wangwanas asked me when I will deliver. I saided I go arrange
myself. The Mganga wa Tanga telled me I give a date because they are
usually very busy and summoning them from the sea is not easy. <br />
After they were released to gho back to the "sea", mganga wrote me a
note with all the requirements and telled me if I cant be able to find
those things, wangwanas can take 200k in cash. He asked me to go even if
it is to sell one of my shops or my car, or even land because I will
buy many more after selling.<br />
<br />
In the evening, as we were drinking
dogogio at Land Mawe and drawing where to get 200k, Theuri looked at a
guy and saided , nimuona kamundu karia gaikaire haria, mutigakarore thaa
ici, karorei na njaro arafu ningumuira uhoro wako" (Yiou see that dude
over there, dont look now, I will tell you something about him)<br />
On looking at him, I remembered it is the mganga from Tanga. I refused
to know if Theuri knows the guy and if he was also in the process of
becoming rich of the surrounding. But I refused to know how he refers to
him as kamundu.<br />
<br />
One everyone finished satisfying him eyes, he
saided "kamundu kairia Getaguo Kimani, nitumiganga turia fake. Kariaga
atima ene ata mani. Kandikituo ni muhindi tene gakimenyea kihindi, riu
karageria ateja ako a uganga kihindi makaingira box ta ngoma. Gwako
kuriaguo nguku daily alafu niga supply kanene ka nguku iria karehagiruo
ni wateja ako. (He is called Kimani and he is a fake mganga. He climbs
PMs of owners like lack of importance. He was once employed as one of
those Indian shops and in his little stay, he learnt Indian . He inserts
his clients of Uganga box by talking Indian. He eats chicken daily and
he also supplies many establishments with chiken he receives from client
of uganga.)<br />
<br />
He then telled us how he places a pot connected to a
pipe that extends to the other room. The wangwanas are guys in another
room that talk through the pipe. The voice then removes on the pot and
people think it is wanganga. I stated to fill for myself the Demathew's
song I was hearing.<br />
To muffle the sound from the other room, the
wangwanas comes like a thunder and violently. Thats explains the beating
of the wall of that shrine.<br />
<br />
I did not tell him I had gone. I
timed when the mganga boy was going to the latrine and followed him. I
tapped him on his back and telled him that my name is Onjohi and I am
very bad and if he values peace, he returns 1100. He quietly gave me
1100 and when we returned to the table, asked for a round on our table. We then laughed and laughed and
laughed.<br />
<br />
This looking for solutioni of my pouring in 9 seconds will show me news. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-88637973368199049632016-06-04T02:44:00.000-07:002016-06-04T02:48:00.053-07:00My Limitation to Getting A Sponsor<div id="yiv2051861537">
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I
have been away from this village for a couple of days for a reason. I
have been busy searching for a solution to lasting more than 9 secs and
at least afford 3 jotis. This is after I am loosing a potential sponsor who
was about to make me cross from River road (where I drink the new Tusker
Gold which you only need money for 5 dogogios and you refuse to know
yourself) to Nairobi of up where I would be drinking colonialistic dogogios like
Heinekenn and at worst Tusker Light just because of giving her proper
beating of mtree. I have searched for all sorts of solutions, including
googlging if Mushaina of Alibaba has a generator which one can be
putting on hips to make my josto move like sewing machine and lately,
responded to those Mganga of Tanga posters that purports to offer solutions to all
problems on earth including making your cow not throw a kick when milking it untied. I will beat you a story of my
visit to Mganga of Tanga in my next story of giant.</div>
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For
reasons I cant explain, I have of late been falling for persons who
have eaten salt properly and coincidentally, who have things to make me
become a sponsored. Earlier in the month, I almost falled for another
sponsor but satan who came in form of the new Tusker Gold Olympic destroyed that plan. That beer and mashefefus are brothers.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I
met this one potential sponsor when I had gone to install CCTV Cameras for
her. After I got paid (always avoid side businesses until you get
paid fully or it will drink water), we started whatsapanaring. She telled me how she had falled for
me until she almost sent me her Micheline tires nudes. As you know, satan has
never build even for one day. One evening when I had been eaten by Tusker Gold piu piu, satan advised me to call her. According to my call
records, we talked for exactly 25 minutes. Not sure what we talked about
for hell half an hour. But from following day, I found her photo
missing on whatsapp. My messages were not getting two ticks. Calling
her, so uncharacteristic of her, she would cut the phone on second cry. Head filled
for itself that it must be about the stuff I telled her when I was
dogogiod bad. </div>
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In
the course of doing CCTV, I meet people who have things. Thats how I
met this other potential sponsor. To be fair, she has eaten her fair
share of salt. The kind I couldn't imagine ukiaring for them even small
before Theuri talked to me in private and telled me that even bad water
can extinguish fire. He lectured me that these persons who have drinked
salt are mtight mtight that the moment I will taste one, I will not stop
and will be throwing saliva out any time I see a MKUs persons. The only
salted persons I should
never touch, according to Theuris advise is the one without money. If
she is oiled, oil her too, and properly. </div>
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<br /></div>
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My first encounter with her was at Maxland Waiyaki way where she had called me to go collect my balance after mafundis finished work.</div>
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After
meat of burnt, she telled me I go to her car which was parked near the
entrance and remove my balance from her bag placed in the front seat. I
refused to know how she carried a man like me, with stomach and bald
head to go to her car like a boy. But as old adage saides, customer is
always right. </div>
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<br /></div>
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On
opening the bag, I was met by several bundles of browns. Several
hundreds of thousands. When in such a situation, satan comes from hell
very fast and throws ideas at you. Satan telled me to help myself with
all of it. I telled satan that that was a bad idea he goes to hell. Satan then telled me
that if that was hard, to remove a k from each bundle, she will think
it is bank tellers that stole from her. I refused to agree with satan,
counted my balance and returned to the bar. </div>
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On
returning to the table, she asked me if I only took balance. I saided
yes. She saided she should add me of petrol. I refused to know which
petrol and I had climbed those Kangemi matatus until there. Head telled me that if she waits to see my car, I will just call Uber and say thats my driver. Thinking she
was to send me again to add myself of petrol, she went to the car
herself. Head telled me that she had gone to check how if I had
stolen. </div>
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She
returned and added me 5 K. She then asked me to drink two. When there
is such a windfall, satan cannot allow me to have peace even when dogogio is flowing for free, he makes my
mind beat of yellow yellows I have been hiding white from when I didnt have
even what. I refused her offer of free dogogio and instead, headed to
Umoja 3 where I have discovered there lives several suns who dont mind
to come where you are by nduthi (And they dont tell you to send money of
nduthi, they will use their means. They have atleast 4 nduthi guys who
drop them at rendezvous on credit until they will fall for a deal,
mostly when they have puttted rice on someone). But good thing, they
cant 'rice' you if you get them at their hoods. Most of them are what
Theuri prefers, extremely malnourished. Refusing to know why his choice is
always malnourished, he explains that there is no goat that has a thin
liver. Mburi ndihinjaga ini.</div>
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Following
day, Theuri, mpesa, Akuku and myself were drinking at a pub before
Jambo when she called.Previously, we had whatsapanad severally, and in
18, I could see she wanted to feel zig zag in the stomach. I directed
her how to come to crime infested Thika road.</div>
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If you have seen advert of Mbugua of Fiber's PM, thats must be who they got inspiration from. </div>
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Not
like any typical Ukuyu PMs. Although she was well like 2 years past
half a century, she looked good mfupa tapable even if one was not to benefit wallet
wise. She didnt appear to have a pot, she was well endowed on her future and legs are of
elephant. The only minus thing about her was her association with
congoleese persons or those River road mamas near KCB Bank that sell skin
whitening creams. When she was born, she was black. Later in life, she
discovered a congoleese friend or those River Rd mamas and destroyed
her skin color. </div>
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I
had not telled the crew about my last night's encounter when I met them
at umoja 3 hunting suns the previous day where I was not buying like a
person who had been given free 5K . </div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2051861537yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1464266757388_14226">
I
returned and beat them story of how I was given 5K of fuel by Mrs
Mbugua of Faiba. I was fined to pay meat of burnt alone for keeping
quiet about that. I then telled them that she was on her way to buy me
one. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Because
I didnt know how they would react by seeing with a 50 year old Mrs Mbugua, I telled them
that she was there to give me more biashara. Theuri looked at me and
said "We tiga u Kabia mwaniki, ndugete cucu itaragura njohi. Na akorwo
ena mbeca na ndurenda kumuhaica, mwaga mtama kwa kuku wengi tuonane nake
unyo kwa unyo" (You leave u Rat Mwaniki, dont call a cucu that does not
buy dogogio. And if she has things and you dont want, throw her to us)</div>
</div>
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I
saided she was there to see me and if she buys or not, it should not
bother them. He continued, "Wanjohi ahana neibor ungi waguito gishagi,
kuhingiriria rui rwagerete kwao, ati ariithie thamaki, ithui twi naguku
muhuro gutiri mai makinyaga, mboga citu ikoma. Kumbe ona ariithagia
thambara eciretie ni thamaki" (Dont be like a neibor in shags who closed
river so that he could real fish. We that were downstream did not get
water of river, so our mbogas dried. Later, we discovered what he had
was not fish but frogs. Frogs and fish look same same when they are
babies)</div>
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Small,
she was there. She was in a free flow dress that almost touched ground
that removed her curved figure very well but denied the crew the view of her
elephant legs. Every finger of her had gold rings, and a gold
necklace. </div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
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Before
she even finished sitting down, the waiter was there. She saided we be
given two two. I was drinking Tusker Gold 5.0, the one eating people to
eat. On hearing that, I telled waiter to change and give me Tusker
light. since I was born, I have never bought myself tusker light. I only
drink it when I go to a "on the house" stuff or a very very rich person
is buying. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2051861537yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1464266757388_24361">
She
asked if we have eaten. We had eaten an hour before. I was about to
shout we have when Theuri telled me in ear, "Kanua kau gaku niko
gatumaga coguo amunyuo magego ni gukaguo" (that your big mouth is the
one that made your grandma be removed teeth by your grandpa.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Theuri
saided we havent. She asked if she can put boilo or choma. Theuri
saided that we put something white because these red stuff are becoming
dangerous. The only red you should eat is the one you have personally
slaughtered. 2 Chickens of kineyeji were putted on fire.</div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2051861537yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1464266757388_25874">
On
her third round, she looked at the bill and counted with head. She then
gave me 20k and told me it is of to pay bill. She said I be asking for
dogogio with that money. One every round that was coming, she was
however checking every addition on the bill like someone used to be
stolen by waiters.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_5428">
When
she was leaving for latrine, she telled me in ear "urore bag iyo wega,
ina ngiri magana matatu" (Look after that bag, it has 300k). As she left
for latrine, I started to ask myself if there was anyting wrong with me
to have Mrs Mbugua want my tree. I didnt have braided hair or rasta,
instead i was bald headed, I didnt speak English of Nairobi of up, I
wasnt thin. The only thing i knew I had to attract such was a zig zag.
and She hadnt seen it even from far. It perplexed me. Maybe its my
striking resemblance to Mbugua who had of late become very busy building
Faiba flats in Mombasa (and eating food) until he had not time for her
anymore that made her fall for me. </div>
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<br /></div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2051861537yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1464266757388_28783">
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_5552">
Akuku,
who was once a shylock and used to take ornaments as collateral told me
that each ring on her finger was worth 200k plus, meaning she was worth
a milli plus on ornaments alone.I told him she even has 300k in her
bad. He neared me. </div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2051861537yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1464787368175_6911">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_5404">
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_5844">
That
is when satan removed from hell and started to shower Akuku with ideas.
He gave Akuku an idea that he get a thief who will come and rob us. One
of those rice persons of Umoja 3 that he knows personally her work is
to put rice. She is yellow yellow and formally of MKU. She left school
to start ricing. Apparently, nowadays, the persons you see in bars, they
dont trap. They put medicine to those people who pick them. I told him
to go to satan. </div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_5833">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_5681">
Before
satan could give 'Akuku better' ideas, she returned. She told us that
she was looking for an acre of land that is touching eatern bypass road
to set up an office complex or petrol and she was paying cash. On
hearing that, and knowing an acre of land costs 80m plus, I saw that
commission alone was to be in millions. That is when I decided i will
look for the land alone. I telled her we remove from there. </div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2051861537yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1464266757388_26097">
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_6479">
<br /></div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_6485">
Before
long, we found ourselves in a room. Theuri had warned me that half a century
old persons had mtight mtight tiitas but very demanding in muclimbano. He had
advised me to make sure I do all I can and climb until she saided she
does not want no more. I had read a motivational book that saided that what
your mind wants you can achieve if you believe. The key word was to
believe. Every other thing was secondary. If i believed I could last
even for one hour, even if I found mtight mtight, i would not pour
prematurely. I asked mind how anyway it could not support mtree to
remain streadfast after having an opportunity to become rich. No way.</div>
<div id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_8252">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_8253">
To
cut the long story short, the moment I inserted tree, I felt like I
had never felt before. I felt like I was in an oven. Then, inside tiita, there
was like someone hidden inside to squeeze mtree, handjob style. Imagine
mtree is inside a hot place, then there is someone inside holding mtree
squeezing it. I felt bells release everything until they god deflated
like a baloon. Actually, on holding bells, only bells holders were
there. Balls had deflated piu. And in a record 5 secs.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9739">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9748">
I
removed mtree and lay facing up. She asked if I had poured. I saided
yes. She asked how fast. I saided quite. She saided we lay small it will
rise again. I looked at her with vagina of my eyes and felt mercy for
for. That tree has never risen after first joti. I then remembered the
motivation I read. Mind. Then remembered how on earth I could let mtree
fail me and there lies 300K that probably was carried to be given to me.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9885">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9913">
As
I continued to imagin the 300k, I catched sleep small. On waking up, I
was alone in the room. She had left a k on the table (She ensured we dranked all the 20K) same way we leave a
K on the table when you climb MKU.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9914">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9915">
She
still does not believe that I am a one joti, few secs man. In her
whatsapp message, she was like I fell asleep and she had to go home. </div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9954">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_9980">
She
wants me to climb when I have not touched dogogio, but in my head, I
know I will still disappoint. Thats why I am searching for solution,
among them, Mganga kutoka Tanga. That will be my next story.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10064">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10093">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10101">
If you have better remedies, feel free to advise me.</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10102">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10065">
I am,</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10068">
<br /></div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10074">
Dagitari Onjohi</div>
<div data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1465024091271_10078">
Snr. Gyna, CCTV</div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr" id="yiv2051861537yui_3_16_0_ym19_1_1464266757388_10024">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-10100309084265695692015-08-03T04:44:00.000-07:002015-08-03T04:44:07.081-07:00Climbing a 50+1<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have seen a threat that if I don’t beat you this story I
will be voted a director of Kihiu Mwiri. Well... I don’t take threats with any
heaviness but the threat to vote me a director of Kihiu Mwiri has made my bells
return to stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And because I don’t
want that seat, let me beat you this story of climbing a 50+1.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are those times you scratch bells so much, you wish
even your enemy can call you they buy you a drink as they abuse you. Such time
was a few weeks ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Theuri, Akuku and I
didn’t have even what that can be praised<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>but we needed to wet our throats. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We decided to go to another place they <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sell Castle lager on offer. One dogogio is
costing of Jomo . Yes, a full <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>dogogio
costing of the late. Meaning, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with 500,
you have 5 dogogios and they eat one to eat. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When we had drinked two, Theuri telled Akuku “ Turathinika
ni njohi na mama iria ringi e area? (We are eating problem of dogogio and maybe
that mama<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>is in the area?) </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Akuku suddenly saw that statement as if it was the best even
words saided. He saided “I ma. Na ndioi dagitari, reke tumite auge niaramienda”
(Yes, and because she does not know Dagitari, lets call her we say Dagitari
wants her”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Akuku looked at me and telled me “Hena ki mama hau, we na ni
nguru hanini, ndirenda ndimite. Yoka witue wina interest piu, niukuona uria I
gushafua metha. “ There is a persons<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>there, she is old small, I want to call her. When she comes, behaves
like you have falled with her you see how she will dirtify this table)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I saided there is no problem. He telled me to show a lot of
interest and throw compliments as if I had met a 22 year old who has telled me
she has never been to MKU. He continued </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Waikaikara uge wi muhutu. Ikugura<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>mieha<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>itatu niukuona we. Yendete nguiko ta sirry” When we stay stay, say you
are hungry. She will put 3 chickens you will see. She loves climbing like sirry”
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I asked “Ni hiku? (Is she married?) Theuri looked at me bad <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>then asked “Urenda kumihikia? (You want to
marry her?)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I saided no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saided
I asked because that will be Ikenia Art’s theme of this week’s play.. “Mwatu
wene” (beehive of owners) that will be staged at Sarakasi dome Ngara from
Friday. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I asked if she is climbable. They held thin then Theuri
saided “ Niui andu matihananaga. Kiria gigukenagia tikio gikenagia ngoro yaku.
No ikiri mbeca ta gathia” You know people don’t look alike. What makes you
happy is not what makes me happy. But she has money like ghasia). There there,
I started to put face. Because I know Theuris and Akukus likes and they were
saying this one them they cant touch, then her looks couldn’t be praised.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Small, she entered. She didn’t<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>first come to out table direct. She sat far
as if she was borrowing permission to come seat with us.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Theuri asked her why she was sitting far. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She came and saided a person with manners does
not jump on others, maybe we were in a meeting. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She was not as bad as I thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She had like25 earings on each ear, probably
to signal her age to those who keep asking ladies how old they are and a
nostril to deny her body <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that it has reached
the threashold. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From how she looked, when
she was young, she looked like sun. She was a lightskin,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>tall and was not denied thutha. But due to
the effect of Guiness, she had grown stomach and all the things that comes with
Guiness, including very excessive weight gain and talking as if you have power.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After introduction,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>she asked for Guiness kubwa and coke. Before it was opened, she asked
what we were drinking. Theuri telled<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Ino itagwo Caso . Ni njeru yumite tanganyika”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She looked at it and asked “Ati Keloshe?” an
indication that she had her blonde moments too. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was telled yes. She saided she also be
given Kaso. Before her<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Kasoraga was
brought, she saided even us be given 3 3 each.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When she was telled I am a doctor, she became excited and telled
me she will come see me at my clinic. When she tried to tell me I don’t know
what,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>about leg, what could be the
problem,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stopped her and telled her to
see me at the clinic because that’s the only place we can talk in
confidence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At times, I google and get
instant answers but here, my phone had died of fire.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my head, I was saying even if I ukia how, degehota. But I
played along as was advised. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Small, I saided I wont take another dogogio because I was
hungry. She asked us what we will take. Akuku saided we can put meat of boilo.
I looked at him and telled him that I don’t like red meat.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She telled Akuku to go at the butchery and put the number of
mwewes we will be able to full. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my head, I was saying, she is feeling the way we men feel
when we call those lightskins and they start beating themselves how they don’t
eat this or that before returning to their hoods in Kayore and Huruma. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By the 8th caso, my opinion started to change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Head started to think those nice things I was
saying to her, I actually meant them and started to relay them to my josto. I
even started to protect her from men who wanted to take advantage of her generosity.
Even Theuri and Akuku, I was the one saying how many more they should be
boughted. I even telled them to get someone who can be buying them dogogio and
not my persons. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To cut the long story short, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my 11th beer was drinked in room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I removed <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>clothes,
I noticed that tree had stretched until knee. Though Castle lager is known to
kill electricity, this one I refused to know. I removed all and lay on the bed,
with zig zag coiling its way up until near ceiling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She removed hers and went to wash tiita. When she returned,
she almost fainted to see a zig zag. Although Theuri had telled her that I
carry heavily, I seem to have surpassed her expectations. She then jumped on
the zig and started to suck. Although I am not a fan even small of being sucked
josto<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>this one sucked until I felt like
to pour. She would suck, then remove and come to kiss me. I refused piu piu to
kiss her. There is no way you gonna suck my josto then kiss me, coz that’s like
I sucked my own josto. So that she does not feel bad, I telled her that my
granpa left abuse saying no one in our family should kiss women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She returned to josto and sucked to suck. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I felt I will pour for real,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I lifted myself up and pushed her head away
from josto. I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>telled her she inserts me
makobosto I climb her.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She refused and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>telled me “Wee dagitari uka kahora. Come on my
mouth”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I telled her no. I want to pour on tiita because that is the
only way I can feel like I climbed. She saided I will pour on her tiita on my
2nd joti but for the first come, I must pour on her mouth. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I refused to know which devil I met until I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>got lost in thoughts and refused to know several
things. One, how could she, in her wildest imagination even dream that I can
afford 2 jostis? I fail to afford 2 jostis for<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>lightskins, only her?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She didn’t
know I am a one joti man. Unless I sleep until morning with a persons is the
only time I can say I climbed two jostis, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the other one in the morning.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I refused piu piu. I picked makobosto and rolled it down on
my zig.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bossingly, she telled me, “Kuja doggie basi”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I obliged. Though it has never been my favourite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twaf twaff, the muviorie she was vioriaring
threw me out within a few thrusts, falling on my back. Immediately,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>she came on top, took mutree on her hand,
pointed it on tiita, inserted small until all was in. Then, she started to
vioria to vioria. A mvioririe I have never experienced before. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Within a few seconds, I poured I think biggest in many years.
Even after pouring,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>she didn’t stop to
vioria.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I held her and telled her I have poured. She asked “Ati? I
saided I poured, she <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>remove we relax
small.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She telled me “ati kii? Hueze toa mbaka hata mimi nimwage.
No nginya njite dagitari”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With that mviorire, I felt as if makobosto was coming out. I
telled her “makobosto imetoka” She didn’t seem to listen or mind. I pushed her away
and telled her to let me change makobosto then. She fell for the trick. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I went to bathroom, removed makobosto and bathed, washing
josto even piu piu.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I threw eyes and saw her lay with legs <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>apart as if she was waiting for the climb of
the year. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was torn. I didn’t know what to do and returning to that
bed was a big no. Under no circumstance could I afford another joti.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if what. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I tiptoed until bed. I telled her I need to buy redbull. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She asked me to remove money from her bag to go buy. I
telled her I have. I returned clothes and when I removed from that room, the
first thing I did was to switch off my phone. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Degehota ringi. </div>
<br />
I am,<br />
Dagitari Onjohi <br />
Snr. Gyno.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-40307427564233162092015-05-29T05:42:00.002-07:002015-05-29T05:53:09.729-07:00The Fear of Getting Measured. <div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7534">
I have just come under the table. I had dried all my ribs completely. </div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7535">
<br /></div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7533">
I
was being boughted lunch by Theuri when I telled him how a certain
nurse has made my head go round round, I cant think of any other persons except her. she has made me mad. all I am
thinking is her.</div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_12373">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7536">
He stopped picking meat of burnt and telled me.</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7537">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7434">
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7532">
Niurite? (Have you eaten)?</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7539">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7538">
I saided not yet.</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7540">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7541">
He saided</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7543">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7544">
"Tu nurse ni utui we? (Do you know nurses you) </div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_12385">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_12379">
I saided no. </div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_12376">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_12378">
<br /></div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_12397">
Tuu
ni moto ya kuotea bari. tukaga na latiri. Kau gagakwira
kambe gaguthime. Hena kangi ndari nako mabatha i. we! icio ngariria
ukuruine (Those are fire to bask from far. They come with measuring kit
and insist to measure you.
There is another one I had in Mombasa, we! I will talk when I am old)</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7545">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7552">
I stopped munching to listen well.</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7553">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7551">
Kanjitire gwako mabatha ngithie nguite makobosto na mizinga iri ya
Johny Walker, na nyama kiro imwe, na yaguithitio ni kani. (She called me
to her house in Mombasa, I carried makobosto, one Johny walker and a Kg
of meat that had been falled by a liver)</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7559">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7561">
Twarikia kuria na
tuanyua nyua, ngiambia gukanyita nyita. Gatiarehire mbara. No riria
gokirie hanini, Ndonire gokira gagiuka na latiri. Ati tuithime.
ndainainire nyee muti ukiigana wa kaaana. (When we finsihed eating, and
drinked small, I started catching catching her small small. She didnt
bring war, but when she ukiad , I saw her go get measuring kit. She
telled me we get measured. I shook all bells until tree returned like of
a baby. )</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7562">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7560">
I asked him if he agreed to be measured.</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7563">
<br /></div>
<div class="">
In a loud voice until everyone who was 100 meters away could hear, he saided</div>
<div class="">
"We nowitikire? ka ndina ngomaaa (Can you agree? kwani I have satan?)</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7438">
I saided why not, only problem is you are being measured by your jangiri.</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7530">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7524">
He continued</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7531">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7518">
I niui ndamithaithire tuhaicane na condom ikiuga ona tutikuhaicanaga
tutari, no no nginya ithime" (Do you know I begged her we climbana with
makobosto. She telled me we were not even meant to climbana without. but
we must get measured)</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7433">
ndaraire nja ta rori. Yaumire bafu na
gatauro ndokia ikorota ka latiri. Tuanyuire mzinga wa keri kinya
igaturama to yari ona gatauro gakuhi na nyondo ciari nja, mabatha nirui
maikara nui. Ngokia, ngonio ratiri. (I slept out like a lorry. She
removed bathroom with only towel. When tree stretched, she would point
the measuring kit. </div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7517">
<br /></div>
<div class="">
Do you know we drinked even the second mzinga, she
would stay bad, as she was only in a towel and all brookiers were out.
When I'd see tiita, she saw I had ukiad, she would point at the kit
again)</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7436">
<br /></div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7435">
I was crying in laughter imagining the precarious situation then dried ribs piu piu he saided</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7437">
<br /></div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7515">
"Nie njugaga, reke ngeriruo ndi wodi no ndingithimithia nie. Maraya
iria ndite ni nyingi muno cia gutake chance" (Me, let them tell me when I
will be in wald, cant take myself to be measured. The trappers that I
have climbed are way too many to take chances)</div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7515">
<br /></div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7515">
<br /></div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7515">
I am</div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7515">
<br /></div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7515">
Dagitari Onjohi</div>
<div class="" data-setdir="false" dir="ltr" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_7515">
Snr Gyno. </div>
</div>
<div class="" id="yui_3_16_0_1_1432838879198_5038">
<br class="" /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-7650254403165940812015-04-29T03:54:00.001-07:002015-04-29T03:54:54.731-07:00Remove I Remove <span class="fbPhotosPhotoCaption" data-ft="{"tn":"*G","type":45}" id="fbPhotoPageCaption" tabindex="0"><span class="hasCaption"></span></span><br />
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_5540b7b314b0b4a11179853">
This weekend at <a data-gt="{"entity_id":"1629676037259697","entity_path":"\/photo.php"}" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=1629676037259697&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/herisquare.co.ke">Herisquare lounge</a>, <a data-gt="{"entity_id":"1547865658807260","entity_path":"\/photo.php"}" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=1547865658807260&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ikenia-Arts/1547865658807260">Ikenia Arts</a> will be presenting a show called Ruta ndute (remove I remove). Its an adult show and its about removing thuruaris. <br /> <br /> This has made me remember with pain an incident that happened last night. Its opposite of remove I remove. <br /> <br /> There is this persons I met, who has eaten salt almost like me though she looks twedi one and has more stairs and trucks than m<span class="text_exposed_show">e.<br /> <br />
One time we were drinking dogogio and we started beating stories of
adults, a topic I like so much. I singed my zig zag, beating drums for
it on how it coils inside persons and beats all corners until tiita
removes smoke.<br /> <br /> She looked with vagina of her eyes at where my
josto is located and in her head, she confirmed it is zig zag. She
closed one eye on me and I closed mine for her. We exchanged contacts
and started whatsapping and IMOing like daily until I borrowed things.<br /> <br />
Yesterday, the date happened. She was to see one of her flats she was
constructing in Kitengela and requested me to accompany her. <br /> <br />
The thought of eating a rich made my heart beat to beat. You know I am
used to eating MkUs who I flatten to that they will become rich once
josto dangles made me refuse to know what lie to tell a rich. The
thought of eating a persons who has eaten salt almost like me made me
refuse to know. You know those who have eaten salt have very firm
muscles. The many years the tiita has been pounded makes the muscles
firm, they can press small and you will pour all that is in bells within
1 seconds.<br /> <br /> When I got her at a parking slot in town, she
telled me I come drive her. A 5.2 litter machine that drinks oil to
drink. When driving it, I was driving with all my head out so that I am
seen by as many persons who will think I drive a 5Lt machine and come
with it on head this weekend. <br /> <br /> It is this us, until Kitengela. After inspecting her flats in progress, we headed to ana small dogogio place of the rich. <br /> <br />
As we were drinking, she touched zig and confirmed it stands coiled,
not straight. Her bean started to beat beat until she almost poured on
herself. Small, she could not tolerate anymore, she called called the
waiter and telled him to do total. I was about to tell her equal equal
when she removed card and paid all of it. She then telled me we go to
room.<br /> <br /> I tried to figure out where we get rooms of like 1500
which I could afford comfortably. She telled me to beat car fire until
of Kinuthia Mbugua's in Utawala.<br /> <br /> Since I was born, I have never
been to that place. When we entered, head telled me that rooms dont go
for 1500. We removed from car and headed straight to reception. I was
walking behind her so that she does not get removed by devil and tell me
to pay. She paid and we were directed to room.<br /> <br /> It is this us,
until room. Small, I rolled makobosto then inserted josto sloooowly.
When all josto was in, she presed her tiita muscles and tree felt like
it was being strangled. I removed half of zig and returned, removed and
on returning again, I felt like bells had been putted pump to remove
everything stored there. I then collapsed on top of her. <br /> <br /> She asked me with alot of worry "Wanjohi ndukauge niwaita?" (Wanjohi dont say you have poured?)<br /> <br /> I saided in very low voice "ndikuga" (I wont say)<br /> <br />
I refused to know what to do to ukia again because as I have always
telled you, I only climb one joti, unless I will sleep with the persons
until morning. Otherwise, it cant stand even if what. Infact I hear men
saying they climbed 3 jostis in a span of 1 hour and refuse to know, is
it that they dont know how to count jotis or is it satan they have in
their head that directs them to do such evils or is it that they dont
have ambition in life that the only thing they think is to climb? Me
once I pour, thats it. Who seeks fame that they climbed a persons 4
jostis? for what? I always refuse to know. <br /> <br /> She breathed hard
and waited for me maybe to wake up and finish her fire. In head, I knew
that fire can only be finished by either cold water or her fingers. <br /> <br /> After 5 minutes when strength returned, I removed from bed and went and bathed, then returned. <br /> <br /> When I picked my trouser to dress up and go home, she rose from her lying position, sat on the bed and asked me<br /> <br /> "Wanjohi niki ureka?" (What are you doing?)<br /> <br /> I saided (Rucio ndi wira tene, reke nie nyumirie" (I am working early tomorrow, let me remove)<br /> <br />
She saided "Mwathani, ati ki? nduri kundu urathie utahete tuna" (Ati
what? there is no where you are going until you give me 4 jotis!)<br /> <br />
Head refused to know, since I was born, my record stands at 3 and that
was when I was young. Now, at my age, where will 4 jostis come from?
even 2nd one, even if what, it cant even with medicine of ukambani. <br /> <br />
I stopped dressing up and returned to bed, said a small prayer to
return mukio. I sucked brookies, tried to put images of all persons I
have ever wished to one day to even if only insert head, but where. I
telled head to think it is <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=100002708374357&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/jahkey.nyaga">Jahkey</a>'s brookies I was sucking so that tree can sprout again but where. I looked at her eyes and replaced them with <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1259931648&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/silver.gaita">Silver</a>'s but where. I putted images of those of TV but where until I gave up.<br /> <br />
I cursed all those persons I was putting images of but were not helping
in making tree stand. I refused to know how babish they are. <br /> <br />
After 30 minutes of trying which appeared like eternity, I broke the bad
news to her. I telled her I cant be able ukia again even if what. She
asked me why. I telled her it is because I ate meat of burnt which burns
all calories of standing. <br /> <br /> She rose up and held her hands akimbo and asked me<br /> <br />
"Wanjohi reke ngurie i, we na ti mbeca ndirenda hariwe, nduri kinduuu,
nduri ona ki, nie ni muti ucio waku nyendaga arafu uremwo kunjika?
ii?(Wanjohi, let me ask you, it is not money that I want from you, you
dont have anything, it is that tree of yours, now you are unable to
climb me?)<br /> <br /> I thined myself and saided it is because her tiita was soo tight that it milked everything in the bells.<br /> <br /> In bitter voice, she telled me <br /> <br />
"Na mundu angikuona ugithie na fara no akuhe gitio muno na hatiri wira
haha. Hatiri wira, bure tu. Mundu no one taui kuhaicana no wewe ni bure
kabisa. Muthita ucio waku kafa urengwo uheo aria moi guikana (If one
sees you walking on the road, they cant give you respect, but you are
nothing. One can say you can climb but where. That josto should be cut
off and be given to those who knows how to climb )<br /> <br /> Let me tell
you, for free, I was readed for over 1 hour. Since I was born, I have
never been readed like that. She removed I failed to remove. None of my
whatsapp messages have been returned and my 5 IMO calls went answered. <br /> <br /> Now, if you can climb 4 jotis, call me I give you contacts. You will drive a 5 litter engine then thank me later. <br /> <br /> I am<br /> <br /> Dagitari Onjohi. <br /> Snr. Gynae & COOJO (Climber of One Joti Only)</span></div>
<span class="fbPhotoTagList" id="fbPhotoPageTagList"><span class="fcg"> — </span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-17708419903451016032015-04-21T05:59:00.001-07:002015-04-21T07:02:11.673-07:00How I Climbed a WatchieWhen a persons you are with drinks dogogio with no mathematics until morning, even refusing to know herself, then she disappear leaving your stretched until knee, as a man, you have several options. You can pick trappers, you can use your hand (if you have Vaseline, experience and good memory to keep images of persons you have admired ), or you can say like what hare saided.. it was not ripe. In this case, say she had month. Climbing a washman is not among the options. <br /><br /><br />This is what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was not intending to beat you this story because no one go beating stories to people of how he climbed some cliques unless the level of kichuodho has reached an all time high where you say bad is bad.<br /><br /><br />Theuri and I were in Nyeri swinging. And we had persons. Let me not lie. And it was Theuri who was buying. And the persons I was with was brought to me by Theuri's persons. Let me not lie because liers are of Satan.<br /><br /><br />On this particular day, I could not even wipe flies off myself. I had parad piu piu. I was being standed for by Theuri, from beer to dogogio of my persons to everything. <br /><br /><br />On this day, as usual, I was the one doing the talking talking and Theuri was doing the buying. As usual when I have parad, I talk much so that I can be kept quiet by a buyer of dogogio. As you know, if you are bought dogogio for, you must henceforth listen to what the buyer of dogogio is saying, lest dogogio pipe is cutted. <br /><br /><br />It did not take long before the persons realized that I was not buying even small. Even small!<br /><br /><br /> Small, she stopped listening to what I was saying, to calls I was making to my drivers to ask if they had parked all the trucks, which had been catched by police and kanju, which escaped way bridge overloaded etc.<br /><br /><br />When I saw things were getting out of hand, I smsed Theuri and telled him I don't have even what. He passed 3k under the table. I k was meant to be left on the table for the persons in the morning to buy milk and another one to stand for me so that I dont walk like that and another 1K to buy a round to appear like a man to the persons.<br /><br /><br />I ate Njaro small, meaning I did not ask for a round. <br /><br />When it came to time to go to room, Theuri went with his persons upstairs. I telled her we go also. She threw saliva out and losted in the crowd of that bar. I was left alone refusing to know.<br /><br />I scanned around and approached several. They all wanted dogogio before we talk. I bought several to one until 1k finished and morning almost reached. When I telled her we go sleep, she saided she cant sleep in room. I either take her home or go to satan. I refused to know, tree coiled back and left for room alone, head telling me like that hare stories, maybe she had month that is why she has refused.<br /><br />As I was talking the stairs, I met a soldier persons, if full regalia. Tall and well stunyad. under normal circumstances, I fear tall persons. Not fearing per se, they kinda intimidate me. I sometimes see as if they can spank me and tell me "grow tall boy, grow tall". In some other cases, I have found very tall persons to have tall thing as well. Maybe it becomes tall as well when one grown tall. Its not typical though and dont quote me, but I have encountered one or two hence conclusion. <br /><br /> I greeted her and she accepted.<br /><br />I started a conversation about Nyeri and its people. She talked with authority just like normal police. Anyway, even soldiers are police, its only that they dont carry guns.<br /><br /> I then asked her<br /><br />"Guku ndugikaguo muno muno ni itonga cia guku? (si you get done much here by rich of Nyeri?) <br /><br />She threw saliva out then folded face and replied "mmmm andu a nyiri makuhete ngiri monaga ta makugurira nyumba" (People of Nyeri if they give you a k they see like they have bought you a house)<br /><br />There there, tree stretched until knee. I telled her in loud voice "Andu a nyiri matikoraguo kinduuuu. Ni mbeca matari (People of Nyeri don't have anything, it is money they dont have)<br /><br />I telled her to give me a push until room. When she followed, it was an assurance that she had accepted to remove for the leader even without borrowing or buying even one dogogio.<br /><br />I gave her room keys and telled her to open. She opened and went and sat straight on the bed. I went to latrine, urinated fear of being denied by a soldier. When I returned, she was lying facing up with all her regalia still on.<br /><br />I tried to unbuckle the heavy belt but where. She telled me I need to go to Kiganjo for training to be able to. She rose and unbucled until she remained like she was born. <br /><br />As I was inserting makobosto, I was praying that she turns different from some very very tall persons I had encountered before. <br /><br />Twaff twaff, where. No thread even small. I putted image of the one who losted at the bar until I poured. <br /><br />When she returned cloths, I reached for Ik from my trouser and handed her a K, knowing very well that that k had drunk water. <br /><br />She looked at it badly then asked.. "haha noho ndiraruta fare?" (Is this where I am supposed to remove fare?)<br /><br />I turned on the other side of bed and asked her in loud voice "Guku kwanyu nyiri ii, Ngiri ndifunjagwo? (here at yours Nyeri, you dont break one thousand notes?)<br /><br />She left room beating mouth.<br /><br />Tomorrow of that day, Theuri met me at the restaurant taking breakfast of room. I telled her how I climbed that persons her persons had thrown me until she removed smoke, only for that persons to appear at the restaurant with Theuri's persons. I concluded he climbed the two of them. <br /><br />I am <br /><br />Dagitari Onjohi<br />Snr. Gyna & CCTVUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-33838409475109307592015-03-18T05:29:00.001-07:002015-03-18T05:29:20.661-07:00Lifting Johnie Up Up Part 2<div class="_5pbx userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">
This is lifting majohnie up part two.<br />
<br />
I am sure you must have forgotten this Lifting Majonnie up up story. I also had forgotten it had it not for <a class="profileLink" data-gt="{"entity_id":"176912742484296","entity_path":"WebPermalinkStreamController"}" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=176912742484296" href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Bountiful-Safaris/176912742484296">Bountiful Safaris</a>
Safaris who are offering incredible Easter offers and among the
destinations they have offers for, there are chances of meeting. Theuri
and I have made an Easter booking one and I hope not to lift one up up
ever again. (You can visit <a href="http://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bountifulsafaris.com%2F&h=EAQHe48Tv&enc=AZMx2GQEKL4xvBS6lvTRHppJviB-vQYv3hYOsZ4L0w6EJdVGTlhx1RKCTeTptcq7roLKWfzwM0VgK0_eqfxwVZH5aNHejviuKBg7RiBiYfdJMke30g-yr2cgwbyrTST1vwXPXTeyhX0WYDuhUMo-VJy386p0h6btlVYlIhrhoY1olQ&s=1" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://www.bountifulsafaris.com</a> For more information)<br />
<br />
To remind you small about this story, there was this persons who had
refused to put it on head for me piu piu despite trying all tricks on
earth. Buying dogogio until she refused to know herself but where. I was
only now remaining to take her to Bishop Helicopter to have her name
checked if its written in the book of life. <br />
The other thing I
had not done was to take her out of town. And like I have telled you
before, there is one guaranteed way of making a persons put thuruari on
head: take her out of town, far from where she can take a taxi home and
as long as it’s a place she will have fun. Don’t take a persons to
Ngarua where people refuse to know or Kimende. Talk to bountiful Safaris
if the only place you know out of town is Warufaga gwa Kiongo.<br />
<br />
After buying her that fridge of air on that Saturday morning to spice up
the 180 angle, we set out on our journey until Nanyuki. Theuri, Akuku,
mpesa and two other guys and persons for each of us. <br />
It is this us, until Sportsman’s Arms where the most notable revelers are Majonnies. <br />
<br /> For those who don’t know Majonnie, these are United Kingdom’s version of KDF.<br />
As part of the training and to make them more badass, every year, The
queen of England sends several thousand to harness their killer instinct
in this beloved country. Once once, upon slightly provoked, they
harness their killing instincts on poor bar patrons in this bar.<br />
<br />
Where we satted upstairs, it is only us, our persons, trappers and
waiters that were black, the rest were all majonnies and a few other
Europeans who owns all land in Laikipia. Any other matafaka sits
downstairs. Upstairs is usually reserved for Europeans, white landowners
of Nanyuki, Majonnies, trappers and those who have death wish. We
didn’t have any death wish, we just didn’t know. That’s why we sat
upstairs. <br />
Groups and groups of them were coming in, all sober
and minding their business. As time went by and as dogogio ate them
little by little, they started being unruly, calling every trapper in
there and sometimes confusing our persons for trappers. Our persons
would look them bad and throw saliva out, though in their hearts, they
were wishing we weren’t there they get climbed by Majonnies and move to
Europe when Majonnie returns. This was even confirmed when another
Majonie song singed for them by an Oga lady was played by the DJ, coz
all the persons we were with stooded up to sing along<br />
<br />
“I’m looking for Majohnny Where is Majohnny? Jonny come jonny com”<br />
<br />
But they were playing double standard because when Majonny stooded up to dance with them, they would sit down.<br />
<br />
When their advances were rejected by the persons we were, they were refusing to know how persons were rejecting them.<br />
<br />
So, when they would be reject, they would talk in English of nose which
I don’t hear even small unless they type subtitles. The only few words I
would hear was like “cock sucker” “bitch” “motherfucker” “cunt” <br />
Theuri and I would abuse them back in the same measure. <br />
Small, almost deliberately, one Johnie whose ancestors were Chineese
based on his facial features falled on my drink and it all poured on
table.<br />
<br />
Refusing to know how he does that to a leader, I stood
up and lifted him up up and dragged him down the stairs in full speed.
He was only landing with toes.<br />
<br />
When mid journey of dragging him,
it is then that it occurred to me that I was dragging a queen’s army, a
guy trained to fight ISIS for all his life and a good student of Bruce
Lee.<br />
<br />
Head returned to normal small and realized that I should
not have even dreamed of lifting him up up in the first place. One of
those moments you realize you have just made a very very wrong decision
like JAP where either way, you are fucked. One foot is on the banana
peel and one foot on the grave. You refuse to know if to continue with
lifting Johnie up up and end up with broken ribs or you drop him and
still end up with broken ribs. Either way, you are still fucked.<br />
<br />
Head telled me to drop him and lost for my life. Looking back, two
Jonnies were following running to rescue their colleague. On the other
side, trappers of sportsman’s arms were cheering me as if what I was
doing something that was going to earn me a gold medal.<br />
<br />
Theuri and my group did not leave their seats. They continued to drink as if no Jonnie had been lifted up.<br />
With the moral support I was getting from the trappers, I lifted him higher and dragged him until end of stairs. <br />
When I dropped him, I started to count how many more seconds I had to live without broken ribs because that was imminent. <br />
<br />
He remained still, not reacting even small as if he had not been liften
up up. He appeared like he had refused to believe even in dream that a
mere stomached man had lifted him up up without fearing to be broken all
bones.<br />
<br />
In his head, he was saying, if I know one jab would be
enough to make me refuse to know myself piu piu. This was the first time
ever a reveler had even dared to lift a Johnie up<br />
When I saw he
was about to start believing that indeed he had been lifted up, I
removed my phone and pretended to make a call to police.<br />
<br />
If
there are anything Jonnies fears, it is Kenyan police. I hear if a
complain is made against them, the case is taken over by their military
police where they see news. There is nothing as feared in their barrack
as military police. When they sin, they are telled in loud voice<br />
<br />
“You puke, I’m gonna tear you a new asshole. Get on your knees scumbag”<br /> None of them like the experience of military police.<br />
<br />
So, I lifted phone and telled them<br />
<br />
“I am calling the police. The OCPD is my friend, you will see what you have never seen”<br /> When I saw the fear registered in their faces, I continued<br />
<br />
“Do you know who I am? Do you know the Army commander is my brother!,
he will personally come here. You will see and refuse to know niggas”<br />
<br />
Their Jonnies colleagues came and begged for peace. They begged and
begged and saided I be given 5 of what I was taking. We resolved the
matter.<br />
<br />
But the experience made me shook bells so much that I did not return upstairs immediately. <br />
After fear was removed piu piu I returned until upstairs.<br />
<br />
As time went by, they started to leave one by one until only a few
remained. Among those that remained was the one I had lifted up<br />
<br />
Small, the one I had lifted up up with two others started to abuse me but this time, I did not return even one abuse.<br />
<br />
The confidence in him telled me he was no longer afraid of being telled
“On yo knees puke” by their military police and he no longer feared my
army commander brother. All he wanted was to break my few of my bones. I
just bended my head as if nothing was happening, though I was shaking
even pancrease. He was waiting for me to return so that I see what KDF
of UK is made of.<br />
<br />
Theuri in small voice telled me in ear<br />
<br />
“Gaikie ngundi ya inioro aya angi maingirira naithui tuingirire” (throw
him a jab on his nose, if others enters, we also enter)<br />
<br />
I bended my head more.<br />
<br />
He continued to call me a bitch etc and showing me middle finger almost
inserting the finger on my nose. When I looked up small and saw his
chineese features again, reminding me of Bruce Lee and Jackie chan’s
skills, head telled me to even pretend I had slept on the table. Even if
I am beaten slap, I assume I was not beaten. Another of them, not
Chineese but a huge European with tattoos all over looked like a
matafaka who can climb each of us kwa nyeni, drink all our beers and do
so with a smile on his face.<br />
<br />
He continued middle fingering salute, and twice, he literally inserted on my nose. I remained still like a rained chicken.<br />
<br />
The trappers who were earlier giving me moral support now turned againt
me and started to give Majonnie moral suport. One saided in loud voice<br />
“I ndukumarumaga tene. Kai thaa ici utararia?” (You were abusing them before, why are you not talking now)<br />
<br />
As the trappers taunted me and Jonie harassed me, I overheard one trapper say<br />
“niui last weekend nimaroragire kairetu na gutiri kundu matwariruo”
(Last weekend they killed a trapper here and they were taken nowhere).<br />
<br />
There there, one of my bells returned to stomach and josto shrunk and returned same size as it was when I was 5 years old.<br />
<br />
One by one, Theuri and all others losted until room, leaving me and my persons.<br />
All this while, I remained with my head bowed down like a rained
chicken for fear if I looked at them, their killer instincts would be
activated.<br />
<br />
When all Johnies and any other white element in that
hotel left, I got up and saided in loud but shaking voice “Ita kamundu
kau wone uria ngugeka. Niui tugithomera black belt, tweriruo ndukanahure
mundu mureu. No iu ni matuika too much” (Where is that boy you see what
I will do to him. When I was being taught black belt, we were telled
not to beat a drunk, but that biy is too much)<br />
<br />
My persons telled me not to fight. Until room.<br />
<br />
When we reached room, even after seeing shaved tiita and legs putted at
180, tree behaved as if it does not know what tiita is, leave alone
shaved tiita.<br />
<br />
When she saw I was not responding in jumping on her
like I had promised to make her feel it until throat, she stretched
hand to touch touch zig that I had been singing to her about, a zig that
stretches until she feels it at throat.<br />
<br />
On touching, she returned hand soo fast as if she had touched something that bited her.<br />
<br />
I refused to know why. I stretched hand to also feel what was bitting near my josto.<br />
<br />
It is a soo small josto she had felt that she refused to know what that
was. Again, she had only felt one bell as one bell had returned to
stomach and refused to come out.<br />
<br />
After the trauma was over, she
returned hand and played with it to make it wake up but where. In her
head, she new she will feel as if air was entering because of its small
size but since a fridge had been bought, she had to contend with the
content.<br />
<br />
After unsuccessfully trying to wake it up, she decided
to down to try to wake up the smallest josto she had ever come across by
teasing teasing with mounth but where.<br />
<br />
After another
unsuccessful attempt, she decided to suck the one bell that had not
returned to stomach so that josto can wake up but where.<br />
<br />
She gave up and started consoling me now.<br />
<br />
She telled me that even her former boyfriend had a small josto, though
twice than mine and had problem ukiaring like me. One day, she took him
to a certain man of cloth and after they planted seed, the josto added a
few inches and ukiaring stopped being a problem.<br />
<br />
Small, because
men have no doer of good, when his problem of ukiaring finished, his zip
remained down. He climbed anything that had hole until she decided to
leave him.<br />
<br />
She telled me that she can refer me to that man of
cloth with good heart, if I want to lost, I lost, she had helped a
creature of the lord. She telled me she can even give me his no I mpesa
and he prays for me remotely.<br />
<br />
I telled her that we will send tomorrow of that day. Small, I felled asleep.<br />
<br />
In the morning, I woke up to find her touching touching the bell that
had not returned to stomach. I don’t now what sorcery she was doing or
if she was refusing to know how comes one can have one bell and josto
size of a small finger and still dare to take a persons all the way to
Nanyuki and beat chest of how she will feel josto until throat.<br />
<br /> When
she saw I had woken up small, she telled herself to go down again and
suck the small josto so that she can say atleast she sucked, fridge has
been repaid well in kind.<br />
<br />
Small, I saw a persons thrown until
wall. When my head registered that I was with this persons I had tried
to climb for years, josto sprung up with full force on her mouth,
pushing her in full force until wall.<br />
She force was soo enormous that she even fainted.<br />
<br />
I did first aid on her for several things. First for trauma of being
thrown on wall and 2nd, the trauma of seeing a small josto turn into
mighty zig zag that stretched until ceiling without the assistance of
the man of cloth and three, trauma of seeing a one belled man grow
another bell instantly, she removed from the comma.<br />
I then made
her put legs at 180 and since she was born, she had never experienced a
man that lasted that long. She poured 3 times before I poured my first.
But this is what was happening. When I was about to pour, the ghost of
Johnie I had lifted up up would show up and pours would return to
stomach.<br />
<br />
As we removed from Nanyuki, she had had enough climbing to last her 6 months without wanting any josto again.<br />
<br />
A day later, when she realized the fridge was air. She went to
Safaricom and bought a those sms package worth a million bob or more.
She then sent me 100 sms per second, all of abuses. And she was a real
exorcist because even after blocking her, her smses were coming. Or
maybe Safaricom were aiding her due to the huge business she had given
them.<br />
<br />
I am<br />
<br />
Dagitari Onjohi<br />
<br />
Snr. Gyno & CCTV.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-30767960350607278572015-03-10T06:45:00.000-07:002015-03-10T09:09:59.835-07:00How I Ended Up With Leah Like JacobLong time ago, when the Earth was still young, there was a dude called Jacob, the bro to Esau. You need to have read bible to know about this story but in short, he was once swinging around Israel when he saw a sunlike persons. She was named Rachel. His tree stretched until knee. He went until Rachels parents and negotiated a very horrible contract where he was to work for 7 years without pay in order to get a chance to dangle on Rachels. The father agreed. Rachel had a sister, quite Orangutan until no man in that whole village would want to dangle on hers. <br />
<br />
After Jacob serving Laban for 7 matafaking years, he was called aside by Laban and telled that he can now ake the bride.<br />
<br />
Excited that he was going to dangle, he invited all his friends to come party. I am not sure if this happened but I guess fed on dogogio until he refused to now himself. He was then led to room by Laban. He touched and felt persons in the bed making his tree stretched until knee. He touched brookie of the ‘Rachel’ climbed her until morning emptying his bells piu piu.<br />
<br />
When morning came, he turned over only to see he had climbed Leah instead of Rachel. He refused to know.<br />
<br />
This is exactly what happened to me a while back, thanks to Theuri the Laban.<br />
<br />
On this day, I called another Cambodian sun who had been promising to put thuruari on head for me as long as dogogio will come to come. I telled her to come with a friend who was ready her bean made tired without making life hard for the borrower.<br />
<br />
And as usual, as you may have observed, majority of sunlike persons walks with persons who have beaten piu piu. It is imposible to find one sun with another sun. That’s 8th wonder of the world.<br />
<br />
This particular one looked like she had employed a well eaten bouncer to be beating her one jab on the face every morning. She had two or three front teeth missing and the remaining were brown piu piu. Her eyes too were exactly like that of Leah the daughter of Laban and had her eyebrows drawn to extend until ears, she drinks Tusker and talks in a heavy Kitui accent. In short, she was reincarnation of Leah. But she had body of model and thutha of Sidika. But as you know, thutha and figures are kachumbari. Cute face is the meat. You cant go to a butchery and say you have come to eat Kachumbari 1kg.<br />
<br />
When they entered, Theuri telled me in ear “uria wi muoyo njira ino tinie ndareheruo? (that one who is alive tell me this one its not what she has brought me)<br />
<br />
I telled him to relax we buy her dogogio then she go.<br />
<br />
Small, Theuri telled me in ear<br />
<br />
“Munene reke nguire, niwona mahiki maya machapu. Me murigo utahana. Nie ndiui uria guthiaga na reke nguire, me murigo mutight mutight! ta ngoma (Leader, let me tell you. These persons that have beaten, let me tell you, they have a tiita that you refuse to know. I don’t know how it goes, but their tiita you cant find it anywhere. Very tight like satan”<br />
<br />
I started getting happy because head telled me Theuri has accepted to climb her.<br />
<br />
He beated and beated drums for persons who have beated until I was almost starting to hate sunlike persons.<br />
<br />
We continued to drink, beating stories here and there. Small, I saw my persons start to take some interest on Theuri because of the phone calls he was making.<br />
<br />
I started to listen to the calls and followed the conversation.<br />
<br />
“Wakahare, wimmuega huaine? mbathii niupakire? Niwaihuria maguta? Niwarora kana spare ina miruki to hau niho muriganagiruo muno? (wakahare, have you parked the bus? Have you filled it with oil? Have you checked whether the spare leg has air because that is where you forget more?)<br />
<br />
He cutted that one and made another call. From far, I could see he was dailing Akuku's No. He then putted phone on speakerphone mode then started talking while papasaring his stomach with one hand like rich.<br />
<br />
Theuri: Haroo.<br />
<br />
Akuku: Muneneeeeee! (Biggie!!) (sounding drunk and in a bar)<br />
<br />
Theuri: Nyukwaa. Ni kunyua uranyua mbeca iria mwatinda mukinjia ? (Mother! Is it drinking you are drinking money you have stayed stealing from me?)<br />
<br />
Akuku: (Now realizing Theuri is inserting someone box says) Pole munene, ino nikuguriruo ndaguriruo (this one I was bought)<br />
<br />
Theuri: Mbathi niupakire ?(Did you park the bus?)<br />
<br />
Akuku: Umuthi tuthukumite muno munene, no forithi na kanjoo irathumbura muno(we have made a lot of money today but police and kanju are disturbing much)<br />
<br />
Theuri: Nindamuheire budget ya kanju na forithi. Ta njira atiri, to maguta nimaguire I, nikii mbathi icio ciakwa iraihura ona thogora uria wa tene(I gave you budget of kanjo and police. Now, tell me, because oil has falled, why is it that they are still being filled with the same money as before)<br />
<br />
Akuku: Aca munene, riu turasave ngiri inya o muthenya (No leader, we are saving 4k daily)<br />
<br />
Theuri cutted phone. He made 3 other such calls to people who can make deal and asked about his buses.<br />
<br />
He then cutted and saided in loud voice<br />
<br />
“niwamenya mbathi nicio ithumburaga. Koruo marori nimathumburaga ingiahura thimu kinya kiroko. (You know buses gives me headache unlike my trucks. If they were, I could make calls until tomorrow)<br />
<br />
There there, I saw my persons was only wanting to hear Theuri. But in my head, I didn’t imagin that she could be stolen on day one. Head was telling me that maybe tomorrow of that day, she will be invited when I am not there and come nayu nayu.<br />
<br />
He then picked phone again<br />
<br />
“Wewe!, urihama? Ulipaka nyumba yangu rangi ama nijipakie tukate kwa deposit? Deposit utarudishio kama utapaka rangi. Ee? sawa kama umepaka. But razima nikuje nikague kama umeharibu, nitakuja next week. Wacha kusema tafadhari. Kata simu na sipendagi tenant kunipigia simu usiku” (He even forgoted that he was the one who had made the call)<br />
<br />
He made several until I stopped following.<br />
<br />
Dogogio came to came until I refused to know myself piu piu until I dozzed off as usual.. They continued to drink.<br />
<br />
Small, I was woken up to go to room. I was not knowing myself even small.<br />
<br />
I held my persons hand and left for room.<br />
<br />
To cut to the chase<br />
<br />
Inside the room.<br />
<br />
It is me, pointing zig. <br />
<br />
The moment tree touched lips, she started<br />
<br />
Woiyyeyeye mamee woiyee eee mameeeee<br />
<br />
I refused to know she is saying mbus yet it is only head that had entered.<br />
<br />
When it was all in, still saying those mbus of upus, she lifted one leg and rested her gatende on mukuruguthu of leader where ordinarily when we were monkeys, where tail used to remove from.<br />
<br />
Twaff twaff ooh, her mbus became louder and louder.<br />
<br />
As her mbus became louder and playing her hands all over me my body, armpits, nipples, inserting finders in my ears all at the same time I refused to know if there was an extra persons hidden under the bed (same style wagangas from Tanga hide people under the bed to talk as wangwana) one papasaring the body and the other one closing ears. Only a Cambodian with special juju powers can achieve that feat.<br />
<br />
She contined saying mbus<br />
<br />
“uui bambbbeee aaaaa sitawai kuwaayaaa ayi mbaby I love you.. ndeeper, ndeeper mbembii mbabeeeeee sitawai kuwayaa aki sita wai, ingisa kavisa! ing’isa kavisa yote yote”<br />
<br />
I understand Kamba perfectly well, so I knew what she was saying.<br />
<br />
She then stopped saying mbus and swinging and asked me<br />
<br />
“utawai niaya?”<br />
<br />
I refused to know.<br />
<br />
Among the things I fear in life, it is hot uji, Mukanju and Kitui Cambodian. I have serious fears for those. I have been made to believe that they can plant kamuti on you until you will transfer all your wealth to them and leave yourself with nothing.<br />
<br />
She asked again in louder voice “mbambi utawai niayaa?”<br />
<br />
Here, head was telling me that I was about to unknowingly swear unbreakable allegiance to her so that I can transfer my trucks and stairs to her, or worse, satan had been looking for an opportunity to inscribe 999 on my forehead and here, he had found a perfect opportunity.<br />
<br />
When I refused to answer, the matapaka removed the leg that had been stationed at where tail used to be and straightened the other one as if to tell you, wake me up when you are done.<br />
<br />
I gave in. In small voice, I saded “apana, sitawai” But in heart, I knew I will not pick her calls again. <br />
<br />
“akia Wanjoi nikuni en yoe? sema akianani" She asked.<br />
<br />
Akia nani” I replied.<br />
<br />
There there, she returned leg on my tail and the other one bended in a way to make her swinging faster and perfect. In my head, I concluded that when Satan will come to insert 999 on people’s forehead, he will not secretly insert chips as many speculate. He will not use PINs or anything complicated for that matter and he will not do it secretly. He will time when you have just inserted josto on a Cambodian persons then stops you small to ask if you want 999 or josto be removed. In that way, he will not get one refuser.<br />
<br />
Twaff twaff, small, I poured and collapsed on top of her.<br />
<br />
She asked me “kwani ni alaka aye? Atsi, mimi siyatoza”<br />
<br />
She pushed me away from her top, removed from bed, went to latrine, cutted a tissue, came, removed makobosto and putted me another one.<br />
<br />
She then lay and telled me to come on top so that she can finish also.<br />
<br />
Tree had not fully remove air so before it hohad, I inserted again and started pumping again, though very very bored.<br />
<br />
Small, she was like "nakuya! nakuya! nimekuyaaa!"<br />
<br />
I removed josto and fell asleep immediately.<br />
<br />
Small, I was woken by women of sheets knocking the door. You know the way they knock as if they are trying to flush out an ISIS ouf of the room<br />
<br />
“wewe ! Customer customer toa machuka! customer customer hauskii? Ebu turuchie cheets”<br />
<br />
I felt myself and tried to open eyes. On my chest, there was a hand of persons rested there. I turned small and the first thing I noticed was mapengod persons. I refused to know how she lost some teeths overnight coz last night she had all. I refused to know how she has become black and she was yellow yellow last night. I refused to know how her other teeth changed to brown overnight.<br />
<br />
She then saided “mbembi umeamka. Uko sawa, wewe ni ndume aki. Unayua kupanya kasi kabisa. Nayua unataka kayoti ya hasuvui?<br />
<br />
Head refused to know, last night, she was speaking without accent, now she has gained accent.<br />
<br />
I turned aside to try to comprehend when she saided<br />
<br />
Mbambee, na yana ulini pulomis utanivea elvu tano na ulisema via ati utanivea vrat moya nilipishange. Siyai ona mwanaume wa nguvu kama wewe.<br />
<br />
I sat down and hoped what i am seeing is not true. “Leah” lay besides me<br />
<br />
I refused to know how it happened and suspected it is Theuri the Laban that insert me box.<br />
<br />
I removed from room in speed and called Theuri.<br />
<br />
“We itina riri niatia urekire mani? Kai kurathire atia? (you ass, What did you do man? How did it go?”<br />
<br />
He returned “Urandeheire mori chapu uguo arafu iranyua tusker kai ndi muguruki? mimi ni mguruki? (You brought calf that has beated that even drinks tusker, am I mad?”<br />
<br />
He then telled me that I am the one who saided I want that one until my persons was offended and decided to give theuri all holes because of anger.<br />
<br />
I quit dogogio until the following day.<br />
<br />
ION Kikuyu adults plays are back. Ikenia Arts starting month. <br />
<br />
I am,<br />
<br />
Dagitari OnjohiUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-34349299706083244512014-12-20T02:23:00.001-08:002014-12-20T02:23:10.590-08:00The Other Side of Tranport Business<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnGjuR5sUC9OPwIJUgNs41cBq7M6oD1EU6nGR7HLN63zWw352y0qHOw_29ZYGideJ4D7Q8m-9XTTfGsJaOeF1LEFZh3NiLHwiizz1d4ZBYKrbjqdOdcN7HovdiYoiynQYbc18iN9cTSjs/s1600/lorry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnGjuR5sUC9OPwIJUgNs41cBq7M6oD1EU6nGR7HLN63zWw352y0qHOw_29ZYGideJ4D7Q8m-9XTTfGsJaOeF1LEFZh3NiLHwiizz1d4ZBYKrbjqdOdcN7HovdiYoiynQYbc18iN9cTSjs/s1600/lorry.jpg" /></a></div>
I have never telled you why Theuri removed from transport business. That is the reason Theuri faints faints and wakes up tommorow of that day if you mention trucks business. The memory of that business is soo bitter, he faints again if he remembers after waking up that he had remembered about his truck.<br /><br />Theuri had a several million loan from NIC to buy a tifa from TATA motors. When he was buying, he had been made to believe that daily, it will be inserting a profit of 30k after removing all things. So, paying 250k a month did not, in his wildest dream, seem to be a problem. In his head, he had calculated that to he was to be remained by over 600K a month after paying loan on a bad month.<br /><br />He did mathematics and saided he will build a flat in every estate in Nairobi and keep one trapper in each, meaning daily, he will be pouring at will.<br /><br />To cut the story short, he did not smell any profit to close to that. But it was making money small small in then middle of many troubles of police, kanju and others whose lives depends solely on the owners of trucks.<br /><br />One day, the loan had pressed him too much. It was almost due date and he didnt have even what. God came through in the hour of need; he was given contract of supplying stones, from a quarry in Syokimau inside inside until various places.<br /><br />Everyday, it was making 25k without lacking until he started to talk bad that how people with many trucks but always sing trouble. It is me he was backbitting. Satan as you know is another one.<br /><br />One day, we were at Magomano eating meat of dipping when a call came through. Looking, it was a driver of his truck. In his head, he knew something must have gone wrong somewhere as usual because drivers dont call the owner to tell him how they have made money. It is only to sing trouble.<br /><br />When he picked the driver saided<br /><br />"Munene, hena gathina. Rori ni ya tiruka guku kwale, ona yuma hakuki kugua kware ine irima thiini,. Riu inyitituo nda ndingigucio no nginya yoyuo na kirini" (Big, there is a small trouble. The lorry has slipped small almost falling in quarry. It cant be pulled by other trucks because it is catched in the stomach, only a crane can remove it, it lifts it up and return it on road"<br /><br />There there, we started looking for a crane to lift it up. All cranes he call, they say they charge 8k an hour, and they must be paid 2 hours of coming and 2 hours of returning. This excludes the hours it will take to recover. This means you also pay it when its on road to recover the truck. It starts your work when it beats engine fire from the owners place.<br /><br />I happened to know a person that knew a Shineese that had a crane. I was given the Shineese no. I called him and telled him what I wanted. he telled me.<br /><br />"Me recover at 25k."<br /><br />I telled him 20. He saided "nooooo, 25 k last last. 25 good laaa. ok? "<br /><br />I telled Theuri that he has asked 30k to recover and does not count hours of the road. Theuri saided ok.<br /><br />I went outside and telled him<br /><br />'Charge 30k, you give me 5. Deal la?<br /><br />He agreed. But before he could start the engine of his crane, he wanted a deposit of 20k sent to him. Theuri sent to him by MPESA.<br /><br />The crane went and lifted the lorry up high. Then the unthinkable happened.<br /><br />We were still drinking at Magomano. The drivers call came. Theuri telled u that he knows it has been recovered, it is balance they want of 10k but wont send today.<br /><br />Driver: "Munene, guathuka o rimue! Dagika ya 90" (Big, it has become bad at once. 90th minute"<br /><br />He asked what happened as he shook all bells.<br /><br />The driver saided<br /><br />"Mushina ndagiuka oherera kirini, oya rori iguru piu niguo amicokie fara o ta mutugo. O rimue, tuaigua twafff... kirini yatuika. Reke nguire, rori yaikuruka buga buga,kinya kware thiini. Kiromita ta thate. Kuu no mahoya mangimiruta" (The chineese guy came and folded his crane on the lorry. He lifted it up hi so that he return it to the road. Small, we heard twaff. The crane had cutted, the lorry went down down the quarry like 30 kilometers deep. I think the only thing that can remove it from that far now is prayers"<br /><br />He fained. When he woke up, he asked the driver where is Chineese he abuse him and make him pay for damages.<br /><br />The driver saided "Riria ona kirini yake yatuika na kuria rori yaku yagua, no itinga riake arurumia na athie" (When he saw his crane cut, and the far your lorry has falled, he just beated his truck engine and left"<br /><br />There there, Theuri kept quiet for like one hour while gazing at me.<br /><br />He then saided<br /><br />"No ngumenyaga Wanjohi niukunyarira. No ngumenyaga tu. We niwe urehire mushina ucio. Riu nderuo kirini yake handu ha kuruta rori irima, nikumiikia ya miikia. kwanja akiendaga. We riria uthire kwariria nja, uma kwira mushina waku amiikie fiu. Niwakinina niwakena. Gatuni ona kibau ndigatumiire na nigathie' (I knew Wanjohi you will destroy me. I knew piu piu. You are the one that brought that Chineese. I have been told that instead of recovering my truck, he lifted it up and threw it inside quary deliberately. I think when you went to talk outside, you went to tell your Chinese guy to fall my lorry instead of recovering it. You have finished me and I kow you are now happy. The fucker has left and I had paid him 20k)<br /><br />I removed phone and called the Shineese guy.<br /><br />"What have you done my friend?"<br /><br />Shineese "Ching hong ku ho"<br /><br />Me: What are you saying? what happened la?"<br /><br />Shineese: "chong ku shi h a. Me no know english la. Talk shina la cho chi hung!"<br /><br />Me: what? I call police la?<br /><br />Shineese "chong hu ko. no english now. talk shinese la"<br /><br />So, after the business destroyed, he forgotted English even small. Before, he was talking and hearing English, now he doesn't.<br /><br />We went until quarry and saw the damage. The lorry was down and looked like it scrap metal material even from far.<br /><br />Theuri saided we go back. For one week, he did not go to recover until the owner of the quarry saided that he will recover it and throw it away because it was obstructing his work.<br /><br />He looked for another crane and it was recovered. It had been destroyed piu. Even the mechanics advised him to buy another truck instead of even thinking of repairing that.<br /><br />He measured it at those scrap metal.<br /><br />Business is hard. Transport business is like marrying a trapper. You never know peace even small.<br /><br />I am<br /><br />Dagitari Onjohi<br />Snr. GynoUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-87986217014212305382014-10-30T06:12:00.001-07:002014-10-30T06:12:10.134-07:00How To Enter Persons Before They Enter YouTo the people who scratch skin and still want to climb the top cream in the society, there is hope. Big hope. Just Fake it till it dangles.<br />
<br />
Last night, I sended airtime of 100 bob to another yellow yellow pupil of MKU. An hour later, she had not received the credit.<br />
<br />
I saided, let me foward her the message of MPESA to her to prove to her that I actually boughted airtime for her because she was seeing as if I was lying.. In my mpesa account, I had a balance of 96shillings. I edited the mesage to read<br />
<br />
"FW86PO014 confirmed. You bought Kshs100.00 of airtime on 29/10/14 at 10.06 PM new M-PESA balance is Kshs96,510.00.Save & earn interest on MShwari" and fowarded the mesage.<br />
<br />
After that, wacha I tell you, the "sweetie" "bae" and "you are the loveliest" whatsapp I have received from last night until my phone has fulled all space. I have peeped on her profile,it is saying of how some men can be sweet. I have consequently made a date with her this evening at Bon Marche Lounge and tree must dangle.<br />
<br />
This has reminded me of an incident that happened a week ago. If you are good in following instructions, that same same way i will beat you and tree fails to dangle, call me Ng'ang'a. You dont have to remove even one mistari, let your lies talk for you.<br />
<br />
I met this persons through Theuri. She was telled I am a prominent MCA and the leader of the majority of Nyeri county. She was telled that Gashagua governor sees my call and shakes all bells because I can impeach him faster than a thief can withdraw mpesa sended to him by mistake. She was telled that I am very bad, I even board aeroplanes of Kenya Airways without ID, a feat that Weta and other minor leaders cannot.<br />
<br />
But she came at a very bad time coz on that day, I had landed on foot like satan. It is Theuri and Akuku who were sitting me down at Magomano over a Bluemoon as I waited for Umoinner to drop fare to 50 bob so that I can afford to go home.<br />
<br />
<br />
In her head, she could see that this guy being called Kiongozi, mara Leader of the majority mara Supreme leader was not buying even small, so in heart, she started to throw saliva out. Even when she was telled by Theuri that Itumbe stands up when shaking my hand, she still did not see me as if l look anything. Even when she was telled I have number of Uhunye,that direct line, she was still throwing saliva out in heart.<br />
<br />
A week that followed, a friend who is building stairs in Utawara asked me to take for him some several thousands, slightly shy of half a mita at a hardware in Ruai bypass called Japar so that they can deliver some materials that were urgently needed at the site.<br />
<br />
After I collected the money from the bank, satan whispered to me that I would be a big fool to carry such a huge cash and let not even one persons see it with eyes and think its mine. Head telled me that it will be foolish not to let that persons gowith me to the site and I lie to her that the site is of the supreme leader, thereby having legs putted at 180 effortlessly.<br />
I returned to whatsapp to check which persons that does not carry the supreme leader anything.<br />
<br />
From the conversation, I saw it was that Theuri's persons. In all our convo, it was like... "hi" hi" sema" those cold cold conversations that occurs to indicates you are not being felt even small, just that she has good heart not to ignore you or abuse you.<br />
<br />
I dialed her number and asked her where she was coz I wanted to buy her lunch of strength. After small time, she came where I had parked.<br />
<br />
My aim was for her to let her see the bundles of cash I had stashed at the dashboard's tray. And to see it to accompany me. And accompanying me, tree must dangle, unless the unlikely things occur, like month. And since within me, I did not have moneywith manners, only 2k, I had to take her to a good place with good affordable place with affordable meat an dogogio. Head telled me Bon Marche.<br />
<br />
Once inside, I telled her that I wanted to buy her full Live shiken of Kienyenji at a place only rich of the sourouding,MCAs and other leaders well known enter. A place that rice putters cant reach.<br />
<br />
It is this us, until thika road then until bypass. In my head, could see she was not carring me with heaviness a leader ofmajority deserved . Small, she made a call, then telled the person on the other end to call her back she had no credit.<br />
<br />
I asked her if I buy her credit. She saided yes. I asked of how much she want. She saided even 100 is ok and in a tone that well portrayed that she could not take of 50. I telled her let me buy her of 250. her face litted up small.<br />
<br />
I telled her to open that dashboard drawer and look if there is 500bob. When he opened and saw those bundles, she fainted small. She had never seen that kind of money soo close to her since she was born. When she regained conciousness, she inserted hand and looked for 500 from the bundles, though shaking shaking. She telled me she cant see any 500 note.<br />
<br />
In loud voice, I saided "si uchukue thao mbasi, kwani kuna shida?"<br />
She pulled a thao and closed the tray.<br />
<br />
There there, she changed piu piu, its like she had met one Kirufi and promised a free apartment at 2 rivers.<br />
<br />
Laughing in heart, It is this us, until Bon Marche and ordered a full live shiken that was slaughted as we see.<br />
<br />
When we settled inside to wait for it to cook, I removed out as if I was going to latrine, beat car fire until Japar.<br />
<br />
From each bundle, I removed 1k each, then putted money in a paper bad and handed it to one owner called Kiama . I telled him that money is as it removed from bank, but its important to count again coz these days cashiers are thefer than thiefs. He saided he cant count because he trusts Muiguithania and trusts me even more. Head telled me I have epukad with the thiefed 5k.<br />
To remove his head from the money, I asked him if we can do an equal equal of jogoo at Bon Marche. He saided I am the wisest man Tetu and the entire Nyeri country has even produced for coming out with such a good plan,save that the leader should doequall equal by himself.<br />
<br />
I returned after I convinced them that it is unfair and injustice to let the leader bear the burden alone.<br />
<br />
<br />
When I returned, she did not ask me where I was and why I took long. You dont ask the leader of majority who carries hundreds of thousands in his car as if its those coins you are returned change.<br />
There was a big foreseable problem though. I could foresee her asking tobe assisted with 10k or thereabout. If she does before dangling, it would have meant I would remove like burier of grandmother.<br />
<br />
<br />
When I was reading Gynaegology, there was a unit called psychology,the science of reading minds. In that, you are taught how to enter persons before she enters you. To go before or Kugia mundu mbere.<br />
As we were talking, I started to tell her how young persons destroy for themselves for running after those people recently writen and asking for small money, then they aregiven, climbed and left just like that. I advised her that if she wants to own flats like those she was seeing and drive cars and become an MCA, she should ask for things that can help her in life not a few thaos.<br />
<br />
I advised her how she can come to us rich and give us a proposal of even if its loaning her money to start a business that will build flats, not small mpesa things or buying a plot and she repays when business starts making money by itself in 2030.<br />
<br />
I telled her that some young persons ask for phones, which we monied fellas buy for them anyway, or a few coins like 10k but that only potrays them how small they are in mind to ask things that cant help. I telled her even if its problem of money, she should ask for hundreds of k that can wipe off all problems once and for all.<br />
<br />
By the time we left there, she had removed thuruari and thrown it in latrine. She was even almost reaching a point of removing even trouser to walks without forthe supreme leader.<br />
<br />
From then, any man who attempted to whatsapp or call her was abused her all. She was telling me that those small boys of town only want to buy dogogio but cannot share a goal with anyone. She saided they dont even have one goal to share anyway. Only dogogio.<br />
<br />
<br />
After eating full shiken and drinking 4 guaranas, we left for site of owner. I telled her its my siteIamputting up some flats to add to my others I own here and there. I removed out and pretended to give instructions to foreman then left for room.<br />
<br />
<br />
What happened in room, you have guessed right. 180 was putted and the leader, using the latest methodology aquired from Theuri of not pouring fast, (that of only inserting headand removing 9 times then inserting it all) the leader's 1k was thoroughly used to a maximum.<br />
That of MPESA, I am taking her to Bon Marche this evening. She eats jogoo, then tree dangles. That one hundred airtime will be used well.<br />
<br />
I am<br />
<br />
Dagitari Onjohi<br />
<br />
Snr Gyno & Supreme LeaderUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-58948069664353074912014-10-16T08:18:00.001-07:002014-10-16T08:18:30.829-07:00Pastor Wanjohi Wamagogo<br /><br />After my taxi business drank water, I returned to practice what I had learned in college. Doing Ms word.<br /><br /><br />One afternoon, I was cooling bells in the office broke and refusing to know where to remove money of matubo, a phone came in from a factory in Mang'u that were experiencing problems with Ms word in their machines. They wanted me to go treat it asap. After we agreed on my charges, I called PM and telled her to abuse our local shop keeper, mama mboga and the landlord. I telled her that we will never sing problems again, atleast for a month and she should abuse them piu piu for talking bad coz their money was staying.<br /><br /><br />I climbed a mat until Thika and anotehr one until Mang'u, then walked another distance until factory, a distance that took an hour to walk, mind you, bodabodas had not arrived then, making me reach there past 5PM.<br /><br /><br />Although the job was of less than 20 munutes, as usual, with people who want to thief you by showing you that the work they are doing for you involves alot, I stayed on that job for more than two hours. Installing and reinstalling, doing dos commands, etc on their machines to appear like I was doing the most sophisticated job ever.<br /><br /><br />When I finished, instead of paying me cash, they gave me a cheque. Between me and poverty, I had only 400 bob remaining, which was enough though to reach me until Nairobi using matatus. I called PM and asked her if she has abused the people I asked her to. She saided all of them. I telled her to un-abuse because the money will only mature after 4 WORKING days, even if it was of the same bank. Then, even same banks didn't know that. 4 days had to finish.<br /><br /><br />By the time I left that place, darkness had started to enter. From where the factory was until where I was to catch a Mat, it was like 3-4 kilometers away.<br /><br /><br />I walked until a small shopping center where Matatu were taken. By then, darkness had already entered piu.<br /><br /><br />At the stage, I was the only person waiting for a matatu. Small, two suspicions characters who looked like they had just escaped from Kamiti came to me and asked me if I was waiting for a Matatu. I telled them nope, I was waiting for my uncle, just to lost them foots.<br /><br /><br />They went far far small and started talking to each other in ear. Head telled me that they were disusing how they will climb me and the only misunderstanding was who was to start climbing and after climbing, would cut me into pieces and who would throw me away.<br /><br /><br />I had been telled how that place was notorious with men climbing men. I had heard that if a car destroys near there at night and you are with a yellow yellow that can compete miss Kenya, they will look aside and almost vomit when they see her but on seeing a man, they do a hi five and tell you to down trouser.<br /><br /><br />After standing there for an hour, now approaching 8ish, I walked to a shop nearby and asked if matatus do pass at that time. The shopkeeper asked me where I was going. I saided Thika. He held chin, and after two minutes of feeling mercy for me, he telled me that after 7, it is easier for a trapper of Karumaindo to give you tiita for one week for free than a matatu to pass there at that time. He telled me that matatus were forced to abandon night travel by some characters that immigrated from Sodom and Gomorrah. He telled me the only town I can get rooms to sleep or matatus of luck is Kamurugu, a few kilometers away. Like Kayore until town.<br /><br /><br />There there, a story of 4 lepers as telled in the book of 2 Kings 7:4 came to my head. The lepers saided amongst themselves that if they stayed where they had been thrown to die because of catching leprosy, they will still die. If they return to their city that had been invaded by famine, they will still die. If they go to Syrians, the current ISIS, who were their sworn enemies and surrender, they will either be spared or be killed. They found that the only better option was ISIS. As lepers went, God made their kufiaring kufiaring sound like the whole Israel army was invading. The ISIS losted from their camp, leaving food for the lepers.<br /><br /><br />That is what I saided. If I say, my thutha is at risk from the two Kamiti escapees. If I walk small small, my thutha is at risk, but I can reach Kamurugu up up and book room with the 400 bob I had with me and leave tomorrow to cry for itself.<br /><br /><br />I walked for unmeasurable distance where I found that shopping center called Kamurugu. It was active small and didn't look more of Sodom like the other shopping centre.<br /><br /><br />At the stage, there were 3 men, also waiting for a Matatu. They didn't look like they had just comed from Kamiti, but they didn't look like they had come from Muirus either.<br /><br /><br />After standing there for 10 minutes, one guy came and asked me if I was waiting for a mat. I saided yes. He telled me that we take a taxi equal equal until Thika. He telled me we remove each 500 bob coz taxi was 2500. If I could do a miracle, it was to turn one of my bells to be a hundred bob so that I can add to the 400 bob I had. I "rejected" the offer.<br /><br /><br />After a moment, from far, a light of car showed. Small, it neared. When it passed small, I heard one man shout "Ni Njuguna, njuguna rugama njugunaaaa rugamaaaa!!!"<br /><br /><br />The car came to an instant halt.<br /><br /><br />The three men run towards the car. When I saw that, I run after them and overtook them. When back seat was opened, I was the first to enter the car. At the back seat, there were 2 other men.<br /><br /><br />As we entered, One guy saided "Njuguna, ona Pastor ndugatige" We satted on each other and fitted inside, 5 men at the back and two at the passager front seat.<br /><br /><br />I refused to know why he called me pastor, then remembered I had a small bag that their head telled them its a bible. I was happy for my bag.<br /><br /><br />As soon as Njuguna beated car fire, they started talking. Stories here and there. But there is one that made me shake bells like satan when one of the guy saided<br /><br /><br />"I niwona uria Mugweru angiatuanurithia? athire kumira ta kirimu. Kirima kia ngai piu" (You know Mugweru could have made us be beaten. He went to remove himself like a fool, a gods fool"<br /><br /><br />Njuguna the driver returned "Mugweru ndakuaguo mawira manene. Ucio ni usooo, kuguithia wira kuguithia to e guoya muno. . Eriga gutiga mashini kiharo rimue. Ta imagini" (Mugweru is not carried for big works, he is usoo. to make work fall to fall. He once left the "machine" at the field imagine"<br /><br /><br />Head there there telled me that they were talking about robbery incidents and life life, I knew I was given lift by robbers who have just removed from a scene.<br /><br /><br />There there, I started to compile my last prayer in heart incase the Flying squad were on their trail to make that car and all the occupants a sieve, then they say 8 robbers returned fire and fire was returned, thereby exchanging fire. I started to say in heart<br /><br /><br />"Father in heaven, forgive me all my sins, I repent all of them. I accept jesus as my lord and savior. Please accept my acceptance to join you from satans. Write my name in the book of life..."<br /><br /><br />Before I finish becoming saved, the car pulled at a bar in Thika town.. those wazee wazee bars. They telled me that since I cant get a mat to Nairobi at that time, we enter and eat njaro small until 3AM when matatus of shamba start going. We all entered.<br /><br /><br />They each asked for dogogio. When the waiter reached me and asked what I was drinking, I shouted in loud voice "Nipee white cup balidi"<br /><br /><br />When they heard that, they all kept quet, looked at me, then one of them saided "Haiiiyaaa ati pastor auga akunde mugima? pastor enderio piu" (waaa, even pastor has saided he drink one, sell to pastor piu piu" Everyone in the bar, including patrons we met there who did not know my pastory laughed, clapped and cheered as they welcomed me to satans.<br /><br /><br />Within two hours, I had dranked 5 white cups. Everyone was now drunk. one guy saided "Pastor tuhunjirie, tuhunjirie tume mukuru wa mehia" (Pastor preach to us, preach to us, we remove from the valley of sins)<br /><br /><br />I stooded up on the table and saided in loud voice<br /><br /><br />"Andu oothe me guku, murimo uria, na mukuru uria, thikiriiai ndumiriri ino. Ibuku ria ngai, Maundu ma Arawii, mirongo iri na ithatu, kamuhari kambere karauga atiri, na akoruo wina bibiria yaku, naba ya maguruine ni magana mana ma itano na ithatu, na tuthome.<br /><br /><br />Mundu wothe mumendereku nyeeee" na ni bibilia, ndihititie, "kana mucuthe wake nimucehe, ndakona uthamaki wa iguru ona hanini. On ahanini. Hareruya? Mundu mumendereku ndakona uthamaki wako?" They all returned wa iguru (the book of Deuteronomy 23:1 says, anyone who has crached bells, or his josto cut off will not see heaven with eyes). I asked them to answer me, that whose bells are crushed, will not see kingdom of where? they returned of heaven.<br /><br /><br />Na tuaikuruka hanini kamuhari ka mirongo itano na ithano kamuhari ga ikumi na imwe ni iraregana na maundu ma kuhutahutagio nyee ni mundu wanja. Irauga atiri, mundu wa nja angikuhutia nyee, urenge guoko kuu. (If you go down down small, Deut. 25:11, it has refused people of out from catching catching your bells. If she does, she is supposed to be cutted that hand that has catched your bells"<br /><br /><br />I preached and preached, quoting real verses they have never heard in churches. With every quote, dogogio was coming and promise of them coming to my church as lifetime members.<br /><br /><br />When morning reached, they dropped me until stage and paid for my fare.<br /><br /><br />Nu ugakoruo msafara ine? Dogogio ningagura woka na pipo igiri.<br /><br /><br /><br />I am<br /><br /><br />Pastor Dagitari Onjohi<br />Snr. Gyno, River Road Inc.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-57758854310707417772014-10-04T09:01:00.005-07:002014-10-04T09:01:41.976-07:00Theuri Gets Caughted Life Life By PM Climbing Mboch. <br />
There are ordinary men who have seen news and there is Theuri. If you are telled that you are inserted in Theuris shoe for a day, you would refuse to know completely.<br />
<br />
I once telled you that even housegirls have holes. What I telld you was that there is nothing evil, or "low standard' bulls in climbing "unties". They also have holes and they are persons like any other although they cant keep their mouth shut once they onjesha you. But same way you can find it unethical to climb your PMs best friends, same should happen to your housegirl because of the repercussions if it bursts. Sometimes, cant be mended again.<br />
<br />
On a day like today, last week, I was sitting with Theuri, MPESA and Akuku at Magomano eating meat of dipping. After finishing, Theuri inserted hands in pocket and only felt bells and no one was removing himself to buy dogogio. Theuri, when it comes to such a situation knows how to remove dogogio from you and even strangers seated next table without force.<br />
<br />
All of a sudden, he held chin with both hands and started shaking head. I asked him what has cutted.<br />
<br />
He looked at us and saided<br />
<br />
"Nie uria nyonete huai, ngaria ukuru. Murauga Guarana ni kali. Ti kali ona hanini. Mama aranyitire life life shuma i thiine wa kairetu ka wira. Aramionire ikuo thiini mani" (Me what I saw last night, I will only talk about it when I grow old. They are saying Guarana is bad news. Its not bad even small, my PM catched me on top of our housegirl life life,. she witnessed tree inside with her own eyes)<br />
When it comes to listening to good miseries like those, we all pulled chairs inside insde. Akuku called Mwai and telled him to sell us 3, 3 each.<br />
<br />
After dogogio was asked, he removed hands from chin and continued<br />
<br />
"Ta imajini PM waku akunyitite life life shuma i thiine. Ti kuiruo, na tigukora ugishokia mubuto, amikora i thiine hehu hehu. No ngaria ukuruine." (Imagine your PM catching you live, not when returning josto, and not ebing told, seeing it inside and dripping wet wet. I will talk when I grow old pris)<br />
<br />
We asked him to tell us. He insisted he will say when he will grow old.<br />
<br />
So that story can remove, MPESA called Mwai again and telled him to bring 4 4 and make sure that our table does not dry even small. Some people who were next table but throwing ear -dropping on our table called Mwai and telled him we be served two two each. Small, our table looked like we were at Club Samba or Harry's Tavern where lake siders frequent and not Magomano where one asks for refill after ensuring that there is zero content on the last bottle.<br />
<br />
Now assured that he will walk home with knees, he cleared throught and saided.<br />
<br />
"Nie tu Guarana tuu murauga turamatega kumatega, nie rekei ndimuire, tuu ndituonaga ngaumira ta rithathi" (Me, those tu Smirnoff ICE double black with Guarana that you are telling me it is sweeping sweeping them off their feet, I will be seeing it and removing like bullet)<br />
<br />
To make the story short, Theuris PM does not like to hear smell of dogogio because she was removed from Satan long time ago.<br />
<br />
On January this year, they wrote a new auntie job of house. This aunte when she came did not look anything, she did not have front or back. She did not know how dress like a city girl, she did not know how to apply lipstick and never shaved eyeris. She looked plain and pass.<br />
<br />
The first quarter of this year, she had started to take shape. Her thuthas started to protrude as if she had borrowed a few secrets from Vera Sidika. For front, it had been there but before, she was letting them fall fall for not wearing bra, she was wearing vest. Her face started to smoothen and whiten. In short, she had taken all the necesary lessons from Vera<br />
<br />
Second quarter, she had learnt how to dress like a true persons of Nairobi of up. Putting on tights, and very very tight removing her thutha even very well and showing camel toe even if you have closed eyes. She then learnt how to put bras that remove brookies out out unlike before when she was putting on vests putted by school girls.<br />
Within a short time, Theuri started to eat his PM with her image. He had had not gotten a chance to eat personally because in his house, strictness is the other name of Theuris PM. An auntie is instructed to to keep 100 mts distance. Then, Theuri cant return home during the day. If he does, neibors call his PM and say they have seen his car. He had once been catched climbing auntie, thus the strictness.<br />
<br />
Theuri spent this third quarter of the year drawing how to climb her.<br />
The opportunities would present small, like Sunday when she was given off, but dogogio has not teacher. Instead of going out to climb her in room, he spendes time nursing hangovers.<br />
<br />
Englishman once saided that if you want something soo bad, you will have it. Last week, he started talkign to her, sometimes even on phone and whatsapps. He asked the ka auntie when she was splitted. She telled him that since she was born, she has never been touched by even kipii, only one kApii that she was reading together at Thubiri secondary in Ngarua. She telled him that hers was soo intact because that boy only climbed one time and did not even finish splitting.<br />
<br />
Hearing that and imagining that he will not use makobosto, he started to draw.<br />
<br />
That day, on Friday, he had goned home early. His intention was not to climb her, it is the way one feels to go home early. When he was watching news of 7PM, the ka auntie passed and he saw those thuthats and brookies. His tree stretched and head telled him to draw how to climb that thing today today.<br />
<br />
In his head, he telled himself that the only way to climb her was to make his PM sleep fofofo and in a way that she will not feel herself until tomorrow of that day.<br />
<br />
He called a trapper he knows that puts medicine on people in bars. He wanted to buy medicine and put on his PM to sleep until tommorow. But as usual, trappers change numbers weekly, so he didnt get her on phone.<br />
He then called me<br />
<br />
"Mutongoria, ka Guarana uraugire marokia gukia?" (Leader, you saided Guarana is making them to ukia ukia)<br />
<br />
I telled him like satan.<br />
<br />
He asked me how many can make a persons refuse to know herself.<br />
<br />
I telled him that I dont know about refusing to know oneself, all I know is that it triggers bean to start knocking knocking asking for a josto asap before they finish 6 pack.<br />
<br />
In his head, he knew his PM cant drink dogogio even if what and the other option of putting her medicine that trappers use to spice dogogios of their victims was out of his reach.<br />
<br />
His head telled him to give her PM Guarana secretly disguised as Redbull.<br />
<br />
He went until Nakumatt and boughted 3 six packs of Guaranas and a Mzinga of Jameseon to drink in house. He then boughted a live jogoo to be slaughted inhouse to make his PM see that he is changing, now drinkign at home and even buying live Jogoo instead of those of GMOs.<br />
<br />
After supper, he went to car and removed his Jameson, two packs of guaranas and two Redbulls.<br />
He gave his PM one redbull and poured in glass. When she went to latrine, he dranked all Redbull in that glass and replaced it with Guarana.<br />
<br />
He gave another two Guaranas to the house auntie to drink in bedroom.<br />
When PM finished first glass, he poured another full on her glass and one tot of Jameson hidden inside. In her head, she was thinking she was drinking Redbull.<br />
<br />
Her head started going round round and getting excited excited. Now her head getting confused, he gave her one Guarana life life and telled her its not dogogio, its another make of Redbull.<br />
<br />
Small, she had dranked 6 or 7 Guaranas. Her bean started tickling tickling. she closed eye on Theuri. He refused to know why she was only closing one and not closing all of them and fall asleep. She telled Theuri they go sleep. theuri saided he wanted to finish his Jameson.<br />
<br />
She went to bedroom and changed to night dress and returned to sitting room to see if Theuri will ukia but where. Theuri was still sipping sipping his Jameson slowly so that she gets bored and go to bed.<br />
<br />
True to theuris prediction, she got bored coz Theuri was not reponding positively. She went to sleep.<br />
<br />
Theuri followed her and touched her bean small and telled her to sleep small, he go down and finish his Mzinga, her tiita is not going anywhere. He had disturbed bees.<br />
Theuri gave her another 20 Min. He returned up to see if she had sleeped. Since she did not respond when he called her (but was due to anger that he had refused to go to bed and give her bean some beatings), he assumed she had slept and will only feel herself tomorrow of that day.<br />
<br />
Theuri returned to sitting in speed, added volume so that if PM wakes up small she would assume he is enjoying his Jameson and music.<br />
<br />
After very small time, he tiptoed until Aunties bedroom.<br />
<br />
Auntie had also taken 6 plus. Her bean was tickling until he could hear when he was at the sitting room.<br />
<br />
Theuri removed all clothes comfortably as if he was at Karangi Bar and Restaurant's rooms. He then helped auntie remove the last piece of clothe she had in teh name of thuruari of strings. Then sucking sucking tu very very tight brokies and navel. But he is not like me, he cant suck tiita coz if it was me, I would have downed small until tiita. Her bean was ready, she did not want the upus of foreplay and was pulling theuri to come up.<br />
<br />
Like he tells us, when climbing and you dont want to pour in ten seconds like yours truly, he inserted head, removed head, inserted and removed, counting 9 times, then pushing all josto and repeating the process.<br />
<br />
He tells us that it is also very important to count. Insert head and remove, 9 times, on the tenth, insert all then remove. Repeat the process until that time you want to pour. He says the utam of persons, or where they feel all utams is in the surface not inside like what we see in porn. Persons can tell us about that.<br />
<br />
In his head, he was thinking that he will get opposition of entering by tightness but where. Her pot was not as promised. She had telled him that she had only been climbed by a small boy but it looked like the hole was bombed by ISIS, Alshabaabs and Al Qaita forces combined to create entry and not an innocent form 4 pupil. Least, he thoughted, maybe the boy who splitted her used the whole of his hand instead of josto.<br />
<br />
Inserting and returning and his Jameson raved head encouraging her say louder mbus as if they were in a privacy of a 9th floor rooms, he would encourage her to say mbus more so that he can also feel like a man. you know making someone who has super pot say mbus is not an easy feat. If you make such say mbus of true, you are a real bull.<br />
<br />
As he was inserting only head and removing and counting to get maximum returns for making his PM drink Guarana and her volume of guarana in her stomach, he heard something hit him on his kneck and back like a trained karateka kick you would receive from Kivuti. He was then hit on head with an shoe by a wailing persons who sounded like his PM who was supposed to have refused to know herself sleeping in their beedroom. It was his PM. She was wailing and shouting as he thoroughtly battered both Theuri and the auntie.<br />
<br />
He saw death with eyes.<br />
<br />
He removed from inside the tiita and faced his PM with a tree facing almost up due to ukiaring.<br />
<br />
Wewe!! let him refuse to know what to do. Josto was dripping dripping.. he had been caught and no removing from it.<br />
He wiped eyes to see well, then looked at his PM. he then telled her while shaking like satan..<br />
<br />
"Yani Wa Brayani, urauga tiwe uyu? maheni. maheni maheni maheni... nindaregaaaaa!! jehovaa... urauga tiwe uyu? uuuui jeso jeso ma ndukauge tiwe nguhaicaga... apanaaa cant be" (Wa Brian, are you sating you are not this girl here? its a lie, its a lie its a lie. Are you saying you are not this? jesooo dont say it was not you I was climbing)<br />
<br />
He then turned on the auntie and joined his PM in beating her.<br />
As he returned clothes, he telled PM<br />
<br />
"Uyu rucio ndikamuone guku. Mubute wira, rucio aroke guthie" (This one, tommorow of this day, I dont want to see her here. Rub her work, let her leave in the morning)<br />
<br />
He then looked at his PM and looked at the auntie...<br />
<br />
"yani ndukanjire tiwe uyu uma gitanda giki? apanaaaa.. nevaaaa .... jehova jehova, niatia guthire? We utogtitiganiriire nawe gitanda? Nu undehire haha? " (Please dont tell me it was not you that was in this bed... what happened? The last time I left me and you in bed, how did I come here? )<br />
<br />
When PM stopped wailing small, he telled her soothingly...<br />
"Na ninguriraguo kai murigo ucio waku wneneha atia umuthi, murigo ngurigaguo wawika atia ma, kunenehaaa" (And I was refusing to klnow how your tiita has increased in size how, veeery buggy I tell you"<br />
<br />
I cant remember how the story ended after this because all by ribs had dried to hear anything else.<br />
But I guess the PM must have falled under the table for hearing that last statement that her would be competitor has ocean in place of tiita.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am<br />
Dagitari Onjohi<br />
<br />
Snr. Gyno & Chief Student of IHORENTIPTIAJOTLOP (Inserting Head Only & Removing Nine Times Process Then Inserting All Josto To Last Longer )<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-61971482362033823822014-08-20T07:52:00.001-07:002014-08-20T08:02:53.998-07:00Why I Dont Touch Persons of Owners <span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">I
once telled you that my first ever job was when I was written as a
cooker. Later, I was promoted to a waiter position at a bar and
restaurant and lodgings in Dadora Phase 5 that was owned by one Kamahuha
the late. That was right after I finished high school as I waited for
exams to remove. Like I telled you before, I was removed from the
village after I started associating myself with boys that<span class="text_exposed_show"> were drinking bangi and climbing peoples of owners in the village.<br /> <br />
I have telled you a few stories about my waitering days, but there is
one I have never telled anyone because of the fear it evokes and the
love of wanting to forget that incidence. Its not something you want to
remember often. <br /> <br /> Among the regular patrons in that bar,
restaurant and lodging place was one guy, quite old, like thatefae ivi,
that used to come with a persons who was my age mate. Yellow Yellow.
She had cleared school same year as me but was born tao, so she knew
dogogio and men unlike shags persons who know it once they become pupils
of MKU. It used to pain me though, seeing young persons getting
climbed by old men, something I used to refuse to know why.<br /> <br /> I
liked serving them coz I used to thief them when they got drunk. In
their head, they were thinking because I was small and new, I couldn't
thief bill like what experienced waiters did.<br /> <br /> At times, he
would come, drink two at the bar, then go to room to climb and then
order room service after that. One time when I was offering them room
service, I found the persons had just removed from bathroom, as she was
born. long bean!. Let me tell you, I have never ukiad like that. Tree
stretched until knee and did not sleep for the lest of the night. <br /> <br />
The image of the long bean also did not leave my head until she came to
the bar again with that old man. My head went bonkers again when I
imagined that long bean and tree tapping tapping it. But I knew it would
not be easy to climb. When you were scratching bells, only can be given
out of being felt mercy.<br /> <br /> When the 'oldie' went to latrine, I
went and telled her that I wish to one day only insert only head and I
will be contended for life. <br /> <br /> She smiled and telled me that she
has also been thinking of giving me because she also likes me and more,
she likes the size of my zig because she had seen it from 18 when I
had ukiad. She telled me to make a date and she will put legs at 180.<br /> <br /> We continued to joke small small for days and in head, I believed one day, zig will sleep inside.<br /> <br />
One day, they were drinking. she telled her that old man that she had
been drunk piu piu and wanted to go sleep. She was okeyed to go, to be
joined later as the guy was left finishing his drink.<br /> <br /> AS she
was taking the small stairs, she met me standing there with tray and
opener. I looked at her and the long bean image reappeared in my head. <br /> <br />
I looked at the table of the guy and had one unoppened White Cup. Satan
whispered to me that an average man takes 30 minutes minimum when drunk
to finish a full bottle. <br /> <br /> I neared the persons and telled her in ear "Umuthi no nginya uhe" (Today you just give me)<br /> <br />
In drunkedness, she telled me to go to her room I climb one quick one. A
room that her guy had paid. And the guy, being friend of Kamahuha and
Mwenje, also used to own a gun.<br /> <br /> But when tree has stretched, head stops thinking.<br /> <br />
I gave my tray to a fellow waiter and telled him my plan. I telled him
that I am going to employ him to guard that man so that incase he sees
him waking up, either to go to latrine or to room, he rush up faster to
notify me. I telled him I will pay him 50 bob. Back then there were no
mobile phones ati he could flash.No. <br /> <br /> He telled me that I was risking to have a pullet planted on my head but nevertheless, he will guard him.<br /> <br />
I went upstairs until her room. She had already removed all clothes.
Because of fear, I only downed trouser small, then twaff twaff, as
usual, 10 seconds of fame. Makobosto is not mentioned and its not
unintentional. No makobosto were present.<br /> <br /> I made that a habit until I stopped employing fellow waiters to guard him. I only ensured he had 2 beers on the table.<br /> <br />
One day, he had 4 beers. Head telled me that I will climb two jotis,
one of ten seconds and the other one of one hour. Back then, I could
manage more than one joti. <br /> <br /> Just as I was teasing teasing long
bean with zig zag so that she ukias well, I heard the door knob
twisted. Then knock and then a loud voice of "Njeri, hingura" <br /> <br />
WeWE!, the tree that had ukiad returned to stomach there there. I didnt
know what to do and she didnt know what to do. Death was imminent.<br /> <br /> I took my clothes and entered under the bed to wait twaff twaff of true under the bed. I then saided prayer because I was sure I would be shot. I repented all my sins, reminding God that I have felled short of glory and that I have now accepted the lord as my personal savior. <br /> <br />
The guy entered and as he was removing clothes, a gun fell until
almost under the bed where I was hiding. I saw a hand browse through,
almost touching my naked body. I prayed again and telled God to save me one last time and if he does, I will never sin again. He browsed through lazily until he picked the gun. <br /> <br /> Small, the
persons was being made to say mbus as she received tree of that man. As
she was being to say mbus, in my heart, I was saying mbus of being
whipped.<br /> <br /> My heart that time was beating louder than loudest
boom boom music. Occasionally, he would pause and ask why they are
putting loud music in the bar. But it was my heart beats.<br /> <br />
Although it is easy to enjoy to hear people climbanaring, this one, and I
think it lasted 10 minutes in real life, in my head, it lasted
eternity. I refused to know how a full grown ass man can last hours as
if he has nothing else to think about. in this hard Nairobi life.<br /> <br />
Another sad thing, I had Flu and cough. Small, I could hear like to
cough. I would suppress it with all my remaining energy until one time
it wanted to remove itself by force. I negotiated with it and
negotiated until it agreed after telling it if it coughs, it will never
cough again ever. <br /> <br /> Another sad thong, due to more fear of being
shot, I diarrhead and urinated small until he asked why the latrine was
not flashed.<br /> <br /> After waiting for eternity to be shot, I heard
snores snores coming from up. The guy was now deep sleep. The persons
did a test "wake up wake up honey". When she was sure he cant wake up,
she rose up and opened the door. I crawled out of the under until out. <br /> <br />
When I was out, I found almost every waiter, cookers and all workers
and the manager at the corridor. Seeing I was alive, although wet with
urine and diarrhea, the manager telled me to hand over my float and any
other thing of that company and telled me I had been rubbed ther there. <br /> <br /> From then, the only persons of owner I can climb is of Theuri. Any other, let me not be able. <br /> <br />
But I learnt a lesson: All rich men climb one joti and falls asleep.
Many jotis of for scratchers and those who have nothing important to
think about.<br /> <br /> PS: Dear Njeri, if you want a reunio/rematch to
complete what we started, even if you have many babies like how, as
long as the long bean is still instact, my number is on my profile. Call
me. <br /> <br /> I am <br /> <br /> Dagitari Onjohi<br /> <br /> Snr. Gyno & COOJ (Climber Of One Joti) <br /> (Because I dont Get Paid To Climb Many).</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-5158501560684016132014-03-05T03:40:00.000-08:002014-03-05T03:41:16.720-08:00The Tales of Long Beans I have telled you before that after I cleared high school,so that I can be sent to Nairobi, I temporarily 'joined' a company of the villagers that drinks bangi and climbs all thuruari on head persons in the village with impunity, thus earning a very bad name for themselves among the villagers. So that I am not destroyed like them, Moshe Dayan quickly sent me to Nairobi to live with my sisters as I waited for exams to remove.<br />
<br />
When I came to Nairobi, I went to live with my sister in Dandora. In the same plot, there was a persons, quarter Taita Taveta, quarter, lake sider, quarter Cambodian and the other quarter Ukuyu because she could understand and speak Ukuyu. She was living with relatives as well and had cleared Std 8 but could not proceed further because either financial or she had falled flat in her KCPE.<br />
<br />
What I cant remember very well though, is if she had good figure or not. We never gave figure any value then, what mattered was if one had a cute face and was yellow yellow; the rest were secondary. Where I come from anyway, we never used to mind if a persons had thutha big enough to make her heels<br />
not rained or had an hourly glass figure, or if she was tall, or if she could speak good English. We had few, if any at all to have a choice anyway.<br />
<br />
One day, I requested her to allow me to make her bean tired. After haggling for days, she agreed.<br />
<br />
After my sister left for work and her relatives were away, she sneaked into the house.<br />
<br />
In that house,it was permanently dark even when sun was at mid day. When time for climbing reached, she requested me to switch off the light. I did not take it as a big deal because same in my village, they used to first inserted inside blanket to remove clothes so that you dont see her nakedness. I hear the seeing her nakedness was only reserved to those to marry them or something like that. We never used to mind anyway because our chief aim was to pour and that was that. The same way you see a cock chases a hen or where a he-goat jumps on a goat, it inserts, removes and the business gets closed, there was no difference.<br />
<br />
Unlike today where I must see what I am eating, I quickly agreed and switched off the light. When she was removing, I remembered that I cant roll on makobosto in the dark. So, I reached the switch and putted on. She was standing there, now in the process of removing "Omo with Powerform" t-shirt. Lifting eyes small, my eyes quickly rolled until her titta. After all, thats where the eyes first land on a naked persons.<br />
<br />
What I saw shocked the hell out of me. I shouldnt have switched on the lights soo soon. A long karunguthu hanging like a small josto. Exactly like ajosto of a baby. I inserted cold until my josto returned to stomach. Since I was born that was my first time to see a protruding bean! Where I come from, as you all know, our persons are not gifted with long beans. No single persons has, even today, unless those that have drunked medicine to lengthen it or those that are originally, by blood not from the lineage of Gikuyu and Mumbi.<br />
<br />
In head, I thoughted that she was a hermaphrodite that we read about in school. Let cold insert me. Little did I know later,rather came to appreciate later that #longbean is every woman's dream, every woman's jewel.<br />
<br />
She saw my worry that was registered all over my face. She jumped in bed and inserted inside blankets and covered herself.<br />
<br />
I went straight to my head and telled it to tell josto to ukia again because I was about to embarrass myself. I telled head to tell josto that it was not the first to climb a hermaphrodite.<br />
<br />
After rolling makobosto on a flaccid josto, I switched off the lights and joined her in bed. I touched touched brookies small to convince myself that she wasnt a hermaphrodite and when tree stood small, I jumped and convinced myself that I was climbing a normal persons. I would try to force an airless josto but where. I attempted and attempted to force it up until she was tired. Believe it or not, I did not ukia nor pour.<br />
<br />
An year later, when I joined college to do Ms office, the village in me started to dissapear when I heard people talk about how good persons must have a long runguthu. To drive the point home or force it down my throat, Theuri, my friend and my neibor in the village and another guy called Murira Ikihia na Ciahia Agakira (Crier of when cooking and when cooked stops crying) took me to Luthuli's New Aden. From first floor, trappers were sitting on corridors without thuauri. He would tell them that he wants the one with the longest runguthu. They would pull it for him to see, then Theuri would say not big enough until we reached fouth floor. Fourth floor had the youngest and the prettiest. I climbed one with a big runguthu and the way tree was coiled by runguthu until I appreciated the beauty of hanging ruthungu.<br />
<br />
After that first escapade of longbean, I remembered what I saw in that persons of Dandora. I looked for her until I found out that she was now working at a bar in Lungalunga slum.<br />
<br />
I traced her until there. Within a short time, her long bean was coiling on my josto almost every other weekend. I would then go and recount my escapade to my friends in college and they would ukia like satan and beg me to introduce them they feel like me even if small.<br />
<br />
Everytime my tree would stretch small, I'd go to Lungalunga, rent a room that was going for 150 shillings and climb until morning. In that room of iron sheets, they used to keep one basin in the room and outside, they used to put a tank of water. So, on your way to bathroom, 50 meters away, you would draw water from the tank and go queue to enter bathroom. At times, if it was day time, I would go to her house (she had given me a key to her house). But in head, I was suspecting that that she was being climbed by atleast one other man.<br />
<br />
One day, at around 6PM, my tree stetched untill knee. I went to OTC and took a bus (all those mats were dilapidated and it was a rule by the owners of that route to only bring 1960s mats) until lungalunga. Since we didnt have phones then, sometimes it was chancing because you wouldnt know if rain was there or not.<br />
<br />
I met her serving her customers at a bar she was written.<br />
<br />
After buying me a soda, I asked "<br />
<br />
"Kianda nikuega?" (Is down good?)<br />
<br />
She telled me "ini, nduthie u book rumu, umuthi niukunogia njagi proper" (Yes, down is good. Go book a room, you will make the bean tired proper)<br />
<br />
I paid 150 shillings and went to the room to wait for her to come after she close the bar, normally at around 10 PM since I did not have money to buy dogogio.<br />
<br />
I kept myself on the dirty bed, tree stretching until near ceiling, waiting for 10PM to arrive I feel bean stretching on my zigzag.<br />
<br />
Small, sleep catched. I woke up at 11PM. From far, I could hear noise coming from the bar, indicating that she had not closed yet. I returned to doze. I woke up again at 12.30, though the noise was dimmer, there were still people in the bar, meaning the bar wasnt closed.<br />
<br />
I catched sleep again and when I woke up, it was 3AM. There was no noise even small. I refused to know if she had carried me babish for the first time.<br />
<br />
I tiptoed out until bar and saw it was closed. I tiptoed until her house. Using the key she had given me since long time, I opened and peeped inside. I saw a man, closely resembling Theuri in deep sleep and snorting loudly. Head telled me that Theuri had jumped me.<br />
<br />
Besides him was my pesons. When she heard someone open, she lifted her head up small. She had not slept because she knew my devils and what I was capable of doing like my fellow students who could throw stones at police and innocent motorists for a stupid reason like losting of electricity.<br />
<br />
Feeling gikindi choking me, I returned to room, almost crying and not knowing myself at all.<br />
<br />
I kept myself in bed and tried to catch sleep but where. Head telled me to cry but tears could not come out. I refused to know what sort of a man can do that to me, be it Theuri or anyone else for that matter.<br />
<br />
As I tossed myself in bed, I saw the basin of washing. Head telled me to pour cold water on them.<br />
<br />
I went and drew water with the bucket, then opened the room of that persons slowly, until all door was fully opened. I then splashed all water in the basin on them, locked the house from out and in full speed fled to my room.<br />
<br />
Before I fled, I heard the man shout "ngaingai ngai nuu ucio?" who is that? In that deep voice, it did not sound like Theuri.<br />
<br />
Later, I was told by a neibor next door that when he finished to say ngaingai ngai, that persons was slapped 4 powerful kimanyoko slaps until she fainted. When she woke up, she was asked who that man was and why she would even dream of cheating on him with other men and besides, in a house that he pays.<br />
<br />
When she hesitated to talk, she was kicked and kicked, almost being killed until she saided that "uuui...Mwaninikiii.... ndukanjurage, egagwo Cohi ni student was Universal college na e room 9" (He is called Wanjohi, he is in room no. 9 and is a student of Universal college)<br />
<br />
I had locked myself in side the room and could hear the commotion from far. In head, I knew that I was fucked up. The man removed out and kicked the door of the next room to his and entered with the door. He kicked all doors, vowing to kill whoever that Cohi was. When he reached my door 9, I was already urinating on myself.<br />
<br />
He told me to open and that he was going to kill me. He asked me if I knew him and saided no. He telled me that he was a robbery with violence and has killed so many and I will be another statistic. Small, I heard twaff twaff twaff, 3 shots in the air. Kumbe the guy was a real robbery with violence and he was the one who had kept that persons.<br />
<br />
After the shots, I diarrhead on myself. I then started to plead with him to spare me.<br />
<br />
"Aki kiongozi, hata mimi nafikirianga huyo ni bibi yangu. hata mimi naripaga hio nyumba, aki usiniue"<br />
<br />
By my good luck, when he fired in the air, he attracted the attention of some APs that had a camp near. The APs, out of fear, I guess also fired several shots in the air. Instead of waiting for me to open so that he can finish me, he fled the scene.<br />
<br />
I did not waste another minute there. I removed from there and walked until my cousin's in Kariobangi. I did not tell him what had happened and why I had diarhoead on myself until 5 years later.<br />
<br />
From then, I saided, never to go to a persons house unless I am the one that pays and two, if a persons carries me babish, I agree with her entirely that I am a baby like she is carrying me. It saves alot.<br />
<br />
I am<br />
<br />
Dagitari Onjohi<br />
Snr. Gyno & APOLOBE (Appreciator Of Long Beans)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-10594134643995378112014-02-21T04:33:00.000-08:002014-02-21T04:37:40.990-08:00Why You Should Never Help a Persons Dress Back Her ThuruariHave you ever done/not done something to a persons and it made her throw saliva out for years?<br />
<br />
Well, there is this persons I saw today as I was swinging bells in town and she reminded of an event that happened more than 15 years ago. Yes, way back in 1998. And 15 years later, she cant even answer a simple hi from me, even with heart.<br />
<br />
In that year, I was still a pupil at Universal (now University) college where I was pursing Ms Word. Every time we closed school, either due to strike or vocation, I used to go live with my sister in Dadora since I did not want to go back to the village to till land, prune/harvest and carry coffee to the factory, cut napier grass for cows and milk them and take milk to the dairy etc etc. My Moshe Dayan was however happy of me not going to the village because he used to think I will drink bangi.<br />
<br />
One Saturday evening, there is a persons friend to my sister who had come for a sleep over. She was a pupil like me, though at another college doing Secretary and Reception. She looked exactly like sun. Real sun. She was spotless yellow yellow, momo small (those days, everyone used to salivate at momo persons, unlike today, where most people purport to want extremely malnourished persons, although I know its for PR purposes only so that you can look sophisticated. Its like someone who carries 3 sleek large phones. To others, you are sophisticated, to me, its still a Shina phone. Outside public limelight, they go for momos because they say that they get knocked knocked by hip bones of extra malnourished. But they get the best 180s ever).<br />
<br />
This persons also used to speak in a cloaking sexy voice. Arafu ndangiurirwo gatende ona hanini (She also could not be rained on on her heels, even small). Complete umbrella. That means, Vera sidika and other thutha endowed socialite would be ashamed of themselves if they compared their thutha with hers.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow of that day, Sunday afternoon:<br />
<br />
My sister was going to a chama meeting. When she was leaving, she telled her that she will stay for only two hours, so she should not get bored because two hours is small.<br />
<br />
After my sister left, satan whispered to me in ear that when a hyena is left with a sheep in the same closet, it eats the sheep and wipes mouth. I saided I will do exactly like a hyena.<br />
<br />
She was sitting on the bed and I was sitting on the only stool in that house. We beated stories with no legs for like 30 minutes, then satan whispered to me that if I dont borrow and climb within two hours, it will be eating her with eyes only.<br />
<br />
I closed one eye and she smiled. I closed the other one and she smiled more. Those days, and at that age, as you all know, there was no sophisticated miborrowing techniques. You ask direct what you want and only when you mean it. Telling persons what you want there and then. "ndirenda kunogia njagi yaku (I want to make your bean tired) ndirenda kuringa indo (I want to beat your things), or ndirenda guthigithania mbini gi pawa! (I want to rub rub my josto on your tiita with power), or rehe murigo ndi unogore (Bring your things I stretch it) and that would be that. If she said NO, she meant thuruari was on head. If she said YES, she meant book room now now. Those days, persons never used to say that money talks and mbullshit takes the bus. Men never used to know the power of money and the persons never used to know the power of what they carried between their legs. No single persons knew. Rather, no single persons of our age knew. They were only looking for men to marry, not to make them rich.<br />
<br />
I moved closer and in ear, I telled her that I wanted to kunogia njagi proper. It is that me, I started to touch touch brookies. Small, she fell on the bed breathing heavily like a paffander. Head telled me she had ukiad full speed and it was time for me to act. I removed her thuruari and threw at the legs of bed, then upped her skirt. I then unbuckled her bra and upped her browse.<br />
<br />
Her tiita was as clean as her forehead. No single hair and no single spot of scratch from razor. I concluded that ither she was bald on that area or she had seen the light before her age by shaving clean. Remember we didnt have internet to tell people to shave those days.<br />
<br />
Let me ukia. Let me ukia. Her brookies were also standing straight, no falling even small. I touched touched making her say mbus now. Those days, I had not learnt about sucking tiita, I was still green in these things as some of you are today. There are men who are still green in ramnyaring persons, they say, like my friend Akuku that they cant suck. They still live in the 1800s. Those men are beyond help. Akuku stops everything he was doing to hear me say how I sucked. Although he listens with frown face and like vomiting, he asks me to say it I am lying or if its true. He is also beyond help.<br />
<br />
When I was about to remove my clothes, I remembered I did not have makobosto and I could not chance climbing without because of her getting stomach. Getting stomach was the only thing we feared. If she got stomach by you, she became your PM, liking or not, even if you were a pupil like me.<br />
<br />
I removed out, with tree stetching ten meters ahead of me until out. Among the problem I had, like having a ten meter pole stretching from my trouser, I had another one. I could not buy makobosto from any shop nearby because of reasons even scientists have never been able to unravel. No single scientist can tell you why. So, I walked to a shop that was a kilometer away.<br />
<br />
In every shop I inserted, if I met an elderly woman or man that did not have a friendly face manning the shop, I could not buy. As you all know, there are men that were born stupid and are beyond help. Buying from them, you can find one asking you who you are going to climb and why, others will tell you to be born again and stop prostituting, others will write on facebook that "Cohi just bought 3 packets of makobosto from his shop and I know his girlfriend. Who is he going to climb?" Others will ask you in loud voice "unakata Trust ama studded? Packet moja ya condom itakutosha kijana?" so that anyone within a radius of one kilometer will know you boughted makobosto. So, to avoid that, you first look at his face, if it looks friendly, scan around the shop to certain he stocks makobosto. If you see none on display, buy panadol and go to another shop.<br />
<br />
Unlucky for me, all the shops in that radius were being manned by elderly women or men that looked either saved or not friendly or stupid.<br />
<br />
When I realised that I was not getting a place to buy makobosto, I returned back to the house and a hundred percent sure that I cant climb without makobosto.<br />
<br />
By the time I reached the house, two hours were only remaining 5 minutes, meaning my sis was almost returning from Chama.<br />
<br />
I touched touched tiita and sucked brookie small, then telled her that I did not get makobosto. But I did not tell her that I cant climb without makobosto even if what.<br />
<br />
She started to pant in earnest again. I touched and touched and touched and sucked brookie making her pant more until she almost now fainted. Looking at watch on the wall, 10 minutes had passed two hours, the max time my sis was to return.<br />
<br />
I telled the persons that since my sis was about to return, we cant do anything. She did not talk. Her thuruari was at the legs of the bed. I telled her to take her thuruari and return. She did not respond. I started panicking now because 20 minutes had passed the max 2 hours and I couldnt stand my elder sister even suspecting that. I prayed that my sis stays stays small for atleast another 20 minutes so that this one can agree to return thuruari.<br />
<br />
I tapped tapped her on her head so that she could hear well about returning thuruari but where. She just lay there with her legs wide open as if she was telling me to insert josto or die trying.<br />
<br />
Seeing like its she had gone unconscious, I took upon myself to return her thuruari. I picked her pink thuruari and inserted in one leg and paused small to see if she will lift the other leg or return it herself but where. I pulled the other leg together with alot of force coz it was like it was experiencing stiffness or an objectl had been placed in between her legs. Finally, I managed to insert the other hole of thuruari. I then pulled it up until where the mass of thutha lies. With stamina of a young energetic guy, I pulled all of it, lifted her mass thutha, rolling her side to side , then pulling it up until it fitted until up. I did it expertly like a person who had gone to school to study "returning of thuruari " course. I then pulled the skirt down , buckled her bra and neated her and made her lie facing wall.<br />
<br />
After I finished that enormous task that took me well over 20 minutes, my sister knocked and entered. The persons pretended to be asleep and when she "woke up", an hour later, she telled my sister that she will go home because she had a class early in the morning.<br />
<br />
From that day, she had never ever talked to me. Every time I tried to say hi, she used to throw saliva out.<br />
<br />
But I knew why. If you ever try to return a persons thuruari, thats what you get. Saliva getting thrown out. They cant forgive you. Better cheat on her than return her thuruari, either having climbed or not. You can only help a persons remove thuruari but bot return thuruari. Who does that anyway?<br />
<br />
But I pride myself with honour and humility of holding one prestigious accolade that no one holds in the whole of Eastern and Central Africa, Europe and America, Shina, from North pole to South pole and vice versa. I pride myself as the only man who has ever helped a persons RETURNED thuruari.<br />
<br />
I am<br />
<br />
Dagitari Onjohi Mundu Strong.<br />
<br />
Snr. Gyno. Ex FAPORET & GRARETHU (Grand Returner of Thuruaris)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-88264650572651109742013-11-20T06:05:00.001-08:002013-11-20T06:06:10.367-08:00Githeri "Deal" I Dont Want Again.I have just come back from lunch. Not from the newly discovered bones place where you can eat 3 sizable bones and soup with Ugali for 50 bob. Theuri has another joint that sells Githeri and other foods but Githeri is cheapest there. Githeri plain goes for a 100, with meant is 250.<br />
<br />
Today, he telled me that we will eat Githeri with meat at only 150.<br />
<br />
What happens is that he has a deal with a ka persons of kitchen. Meat is putted at the botton while top layer is covered with Githeri. Later, the persons of kitchen takes 50 bob per plate... so, you eat Githeri of 250 at 150. Saving 100 bob at one go is not bad mathematics at all. But it is not as easy as you think and thats why I dont want that Githeri of deal again.<br />
<br />
When we entered, he closed eye on the persons of kitchen and showed two finger salute, meaning he wants two plates of Githeri to be smeared with meat at the bottom.<br />
<br />
When 'Githeri' was putted on table, I took spoon and as I was mixing githeri to mix with meat so that Githeri can taste all meat, Theuri shouted in loud voice as if someone was about to be shot<br />
<br />
"Wee wanjohi kai uraguruka? ( Wanjohi are you getting mad?)<br />
<br />
I ask why. He looked at me badly and asked "Niki ureka riu? Nu urakuira uruganie? tamba urie nyama iyo yaumira hau iguru. No nginya urute nyama na mubango musheji uyu. Mangiona nyama thanine yaku ukuga yauma ku? Giki ni githeri plain, nyama ni cia mubango" (What are you doing? who told you to mix? Ebu first eat that meat that has popped up on your githeri. You must eat with style man. If they see that meat, where will you say it removed from yet this is supposed to be githeri plain. This food is not supposed to have any meat. meat is for deal".<br />
<br />
Faster faster, I ate that meat before I was caught. From then, to eat a piece of meat, I was looking right, left, back and front and when no one was looking, I remove a piece from inside and inserted in mouth, then chewed as if it was Githeri I was chewing.<br />
<br />
Let me say, it was delicious but I have ated all with tension like of satan. I was sweating you could have thought I had been rained on. But next time, I will reject the offer... let me not be able that style.<br />
<br />
If you are the owner of that restaurant, please ring me on 0714 540 444 or Marshal on 0725 86 57 55 for free DOMAIN registration and WEB HOSTING with unlimited emails to say sorry. Meaning, you can create.. as many as emails you wish with unlimited disc space and bandwidth... eg...<br />
<br />
wanjiru@yourhotel.com, muifi@yourhotel.com, accounts@yourhotel.com mzee@yourhotel.com etc etc.<br />
<br />
I wanted to send you an email and tell you how you get stolen by the persons of Kitchen but realized your email is yahoo and its NOT good for a prestigious business like yours or it will filter emails to spam, thereby escaping your roving eye. I will offer you that for free.. mangai.<br />
<br />
Or visit...<br />
<br />
http://sawawebhost.com/ for more details.<br />
<br />
And to the readers here.. if you need a gooder deal, halla and talk your case. Laking money should not stop you.. we can talk small.<br />
<br />
I am,<br />
<br />
Dagitagi Wanjohi,<br />
Snr. Gyno, River Rd. Inc. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-2459678636032956492013-11-12T08:34:00.000-08:002013-11-12T08:51:20.835-08:00BREAKING NEWSI just made a major discovery. Biig discovery. I discovered another place of Matubo you can eat with less than 50 bob. Kwanza tu hell with Matubo now. In that place, menu includes 3 sizable bones (the ones removed all meats) and soul fills plate until it pours out. Na bei ni fashirire... !!! aki ya nani. kwa Mama Otis tumehama... Even supu of saucer is being added without being looked bad.<br />
<br />
And as I was chewing the bones near Muthurwa, I remembered an event that happened about 20 years ago when someone mentioned that KCPE started today.<br />
<br />
I was in class 8 and we dided mock exam in preparation for KCPE.<br />
<br />
I happened to have tied top marks in Science and Agriculture with a boy named Koskei. He was born Kipkoskei but when his tree was peeled, he removed Kip and remained Koskei. They used to say that Kip means Kipii, so once you shedded part of your tree, it was mandatory to shed Kip too.<br />
<br />
Our science and Agriculture teacher, a Mr. Birgen refused to know something. Where i failed, Koskei failed, where i gotted right he gotted right. from Question one to 60th question.<br />
<br />
This Koskei boy was blessed with one thing. Repeating every class he entered. He repeated every class, not skipping even one without repeating that class. Education was entering through one ear and removing through the other ear as fast as it entered.<br />
<br />
Mr. Birgen called us both and saided we be clapped for scoring 86%. Everyone in class felled under the table because they knewed someone had copy pasted from the other and it wasnt me. Mr. Birgen then instructed all pupils to laugh at Koskei for stealing exams from the leader of science and Agri.<br />
<br />
During the exam, Koskei used to finish first.. withing the first 10 minutes. All he used to do was to guess the choices and tick for all questions, without reading any of them at all. He would then lift his hand and say,<br />
<br />
"Esgus me disha, galeiiiii, egzam momite " (Escuse me teacher, atiriri, my exam is finished ").<br />
<br />
Mr. Birgen would reply "Galeiii Kosgei, Momite all na ndagika agenge? (Atiriri Kokeskia, you have completed within one minute?<br />
<br />
When we did KCPE, he scored 130 out of a possible 700. No secondary school could accept him then. His father used to own three tractors and saided because education was not entering him well well, he becomes a driver of one.<br />
<br />
By the time we finished form 4, Koskei owned one old tractor.<br />
<br />
After high school, I came to Nairobi to further my education.<br />
<br />
I wented and did Ms. Word majoring in Gynecology of true. Before I finished Gynoring, he had over 7 tractors of John Deere and two combine harvesters.<br />
<br />
A few months ago, I wented to Rumuruti and got stuck in the mad near Baragoi. Small, a guy with tractor was passing. It was Koskei. He pulled me until Rumuturi where Rami starts.<br />
<br />
I asked how much he will charge and telled me he cant charge me because I used to show him mathematics when we were reading class 8.<br />
<br />
After we parted, I was telled that Koskei now owns over 200 acres of ngano land in Narok, owns a few houses of stairs here and there and over 15 tractors.Now, a faster one and you need to hear this. Koskei has 3PMs and manages them well like nothing. While here it is impossible to manage even one, he does it effortlessly yet no education used to enter him. <br />
<br />
Now, if I go to Rumuruti or Kinamba or Sipiri near Baragoi and meet him, I bend small when greeting him because of respect of him making alot of money and he does not do himself. I actually dont talk much because it is sin to talk too much infront of a person who has more money that you. And still drives one tractor and ploughs with it like an employee. And he has not even a small stomach. Not like us who when we smell money from far, stomach starts protruding until you cant differentiate us from pregnant persons.<br />
<br />
As I was eating meatless bones this afternoon near Muthurwa, I remembered Koskei. Head telled me that if he sawed me eating ugali with bones, instead of real meat or Shikens, he would repay himself by laughing until all his ribs break apart because we laughed at him 20 years ago for copying a simple science and Agri mock. Head was telling me that while am swinging bells in River road at my clinic treating difficult persons who cant pay without bargaining, infact some wants to pay in Kind, Koskei is buying another tractor of John Deere. Infact if the CEO of CMC hears that Koskei is at the showroom, they will abandon all their duties and go to attend to him personally.<br />
<br />
So, what am I trying to say? Instead of swinging bells there, you can become a Koskei in your own right. If education was not entering you, stop pushing yourself where you dont belong. Look inside you and do what education cant; Making more money than those of us who thomed small..<br />
<br />
Cheers!!<br />
<br />
I am<br />
<br />
Dagitari Onjohi<br />
Snr. Gyno & Former Classmate of Koskei.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-9843427269414694622013-11-07T11:08:00.000-08:002013-11-07T11:12:14.891-08:00When Theuri Got Saved Temporarily. Theuri has temporarily renounced satan. He is now a mini convert and is greeting his PM, "Bwana asifiwe".<br />
<br />
Theuri's main talent lies heavily in telling lies with no end. That is why its not easy to believe his stories. I telled you before that if he hears a story, he can retell it until you will think that it indeed happened to him. That is why its not easy to buy this story he beated us last night, but it was hilarious.<br />
<br />
We were beating dogogio last evening at Bee Centre near Kayore with him, Akuku and MPESA where meat and dogogio is pocket friendly. Small, we started to look at each other. We looked at each other until we started to suck glass since no one was willing to throw a round.<br />
<br />
Theuri asked Akuku to buy a round, he saided unless he will climb the drinker. When MPESA was asked, he asked if he will buy with bells. When I was asked, I saided unless he has satan in his head because he knew I was only feeling bells in my pocket.<br />
<br />
When it reaches such situation, Theuri knows how to make beer flow effortlessly and without abuses; by removing a long story of giant.<br />
<br />
It is then that he started<br />
<br />
"I nimui Kenyatta day mama yakwa irangorire ndithi kwa people ingi ya Church!" (Do you know on Kenyatta day, my PM found me at a persons house who is of church centre)<br />
<br />
There there, we pulled chair inside inside to listen. Akuku then shouted<br />
<br />
"Waiter, tarehera maraya ici mundu cufe imwe imwe na umere o mundu anyue arutite thuruari ndimahaice (bring one one beer for all these trappers and tell them to remove trousers I climb them)<br />
<br />
And because abuses does not stick on your body, we saided let it come and if he has more abuses, let him throw them and throw another round as well.<br />
<br />
Theuri then continued to beat us the story.<br />
<br />
On Kenyatta day, Theuri wented to this persons house. She lives near his hood.<br />
<br />
His PM had been given wind by enemies of his home about this persons, who they go to church together and is of choir centre. He had been warned that his hubby was seen several times with this persons. The enemies of his home telled him that he has also been seen entering her house.<br />
<br />
On this day, she decided to lay a trap on him.<br />
<br />
20th was Sunday. After church, Theuri putted legs on table as he read Sunday nation. Small, an sms came. It was from that persons of choir. It siaded "Njukitie ta ngoma" (I have ukiad like satan). There there, he remembered her big thuthats and brookies that have never been sucked by any baby in this world, even small. Theuri's tree stooded. He smsmed "Ndiroka o riu. Ruga kanyama kena firifiri na thufu muingi ndi njira" (Cook meat with pepper and much soup, I will be on my way"<br />
<br />
It is Theuri, until his persons. He knocked and the persons opened door. She was in a night dress made of musquito nets material. Even when he had closed eyes, he could view clearly, her big runguthu hanging. He wanted to jump and start sucking it but she telled him to relax. He was putted meat of pepper and soup and rice. He was telled when he finish eating, they go to bathroom and wash body together so that it can be world class climbing.<br />
<br />
AS he was eating, he was refusing to know how that meat was not finishing. He had eaten so much yet the plate looked full. Halfway, the persons came and sat opposite him. He looked at her brookies that had never been sucked by a baby pointing at him. He left food and jumped on them.<br />
<br />
He sucked and sucked and small, he threw all his clothes on the floor. He then helped her undress her net.<br />
<br />
Small, his tree was dancing inside her tiita. Then she telled him she come up where she started to jump jump up up on his josto.<br />
<br />
Even before he could pour, they heard a knock on the door. She removed herself and went to check who was knocking. In her head, she was thinking it was her neighbor or a guy of takataka coming for his money since she was not expecting any visitor. Theuri was left lying in the seat facing up as his tree stooded sharp right.His josto is not like mine which stands coiling. IN his head, he was cursing whoever was knowing, disturbing the hot session.<br />
<br />
She walked naked until door. She opened small, hiding her body from door so that she can hear what the visitor was saying.<br />
<br />
On opening small, Theuri's PM entered with door. Theuri refused to know who was that that entered owners house as if she wanted war.<br />
<br />
On looking, his PM was standing there. In his head, he thoughted he was dreaming. He piched himself to hear if its a bad dream. He saw he was not waking up.<br />
<br />
On seeing Theuri with a standing tree, she started to scream in the loudest voice ever "uuui ukai muone. Mumaraya wa mutimie na hindio etuaga muhonoki uuu"<br />
(uui, come and see, a trapper of a woman, and that time, she is of church)<br />
<br />
When Theuri heard that most noise and anger was not first directed at him, he knew it was an opportunity to plead his case.<br />
<br />
He jumped up, with now his tree without pressure, and telled his pm "Nyina Chris, reke nguire. Wa mebere ni ngai wakurehe guku thaa ici tondu hatiri undu ndakorwo ndeka. Nie ndioi ni ngoma iriku cinyitire. Uyu muiretu niwe ahenereirie njuke gwake, riu ndikumenyaga ni mitugo iriku akuendaga. Ngai ni munene woka thaa ici ugiririe maundu maria mangioneka na wiyonere niguo ngoma aconoke. Uyu muiretu akuendaga kuhingica" (Mother of Chris, let me tell you. First, it is God that has brought you here because you have come at the ample time when I had not done anything. I dont know which satan entered me. I dont know what this woman was upto. Thank God, you came in time to stop what was about to happen and also see for yourself and shame the devil. She wanted to lead me astray)<br />
<br />
Small, his PM ran to her to tear her apart but she dashed to the bedroom and locked herself there. She threw abuses and killed things in the table room,but did not touch him. He was fearing she will throw things to him but she couldnt. She knows Theuri is fire to bask from far. You cant try violence on him because she has seen him fight big guys before. As she killed things in the table room, Theuri returned clothes.<br />
<br />
AS he was beating us the story, all our ribs were dry, despite us knowing very well that this was a story he had made up. MPESA asked waiter to bring two two for each of us.<br />
<br />
Theuri then continued with the story.<br />
<br />
Kumbe there was a persons who was monitoring them and reporting live to the PM. The kind that does not like good things for anyone. Their work is to destroy what is not destroyed. The persons saw him enter and telled PM to come and burst them live. Although she was doubting the source, she came and confirmed her worst fears.<br />
<br />
After crying and crying, she removed her phone and started to call all people she knew.<br />
<br />
The first person she called was her pastor. She saided "Ta imagini ndakora Theuri kwa Mercy. Mercy etuaga ni wakanitha no ni mumaraya wa guthiaga na athuri ene. Ndamakora me nui eri nyumba" (Imagine I met Theuri at mercy's. Mercy pretended to be saved but is a trapper of woman snatching and going with people's husbands. I have met them naked completely)<br />
<br />
Second phone, all her sisters and brothers. Even her mother was called and telled how Theuri was caught in a "trappers" house naked with tree standing.<br />
<br />
When she was done with calling all people she knew, Theuri telled her<br />
<br />
"Nie ngoma iyo ikuendaga kunyingira nindamikuma piu. PIU!! Irotoma piu!! Kwanja ninguhonoka riu. ngai umwe. Tuthie kwa pastor Muiru honoke honoke thaa ici thaa ici. Kana wite pastor wanyu. Caitani ndaranyedera wega ona hanini (That devil that wanted to enter me, I rebuke it completely. Kwanza I want to get saved right now. Lets go to Pastor Muiru I get saved right now. Or call your Pastor I get saved. Satan does not want anything good for me"<br />
<br />
She looked at him still crying uncontrollably. In his head, he was refusing to know why whoever sent the PM there could do that. To what benefit was he/she to derive from the drama? He refused to know.<br />
<br />
Her PM saided "Pastor aroka haha o thaa ici tucire, tiga kuiyugithia uguo (Pastor is coming here we case. Stop kuisayithia that)<br />
<br />
Small, Pastor came. Despite the presence of the pastor, she did not remove from bedroom.<br />
<br />
It is then Theuri telled Pastor, "Nie wambere, nyuma hakuhi kuhitia. Ndinakorwo ndeka undu. No tondu caitani kinya madharau enamo ri, umuthi ndirenda kuma kwa waing'a piu piu. Ndirenda uhusiano wakwa na shaitani uthire piu (One thing, I was about to sin. I had not done anything though. But because satan is bringing madharau, today, i want to remove from him completely. I want to severe any contact with him).<br />
<br />
Theuri telled us that the pastor, in his heart was laughing and refusing to know why he was so stupid to be caught. He was drawing how he will be coming to that persons of choir and climbing and not getting caught.<br />
<br />
Theuri was telled to kneel and was made to say the prayer of defecting from Satan's and having his name written in the book of life.<br />
<br />
Even after getting saved, his pm never forgave him completely. She telled him that she had heard about that relationship and that she will never trust him again, even small.<br />
<br />
Good completion of the story was rudely interrupted by us getting drunk by dogogio piu that kept flowing even from next table neighbors who were listening to Theuri.<br />
<br />
But I can remember him saying that he has been greeting his pm "bwana asifiwe sana" Although she accepts those greetings, she putted conditions for him. Some are tough some are not. One of them was, not to put phone code on his phone and two, the toughest one to be home by 10 daily. The other one, as a saved one, he was telled leave dogogio completely. The last one was to stop lying.<br />
<br />
Since 20th, it was the first time he had tasted dogogio and going home past 10PM.<br />
<br />
We asked him what he will tell his pm, if he has returned back to satan.<br />
<br />
He telled us that when he reaches his gate, he will start to sing...<br />
<br />
♪♫ ♪♫ ndahunyokire ngiuma kwa waing'a, jethu akinjoya, akihuba riri wa uhonoki.<br />
(I had pararad when I was removing from satan's, jesu took me, and putted me glory of salvation)<br />
<br />
♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ Wanjohi, Akuku na Mpesa matire mauma kwa waing'a, no ndamahunjiria, manjira onao nimakuma kwa waing'a. Kwa waing'a ndigacoka (Wanjohi akuku na mpesa they are still at satan's, but I have preached to them, they have assured me they will leave satan's. At satan, I wont return)<br />
<br />
♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ No andu amwe a kwa waing'a tiega onhanini, nimatuma ngunde, iri mihehu, no ndigucoka kumahunjiria (People at satans are not good, they have made me drink two cold ones. I will not return to preach to them.)<br />
<br />
♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫Kwa waing'a nindacoka, gwake ringi, nindacoka, Kwa waing'a mundu ekoraga kuo, (At satan's, I am back, at satan's I am back, at Satan, you find yoursel there.)<br />
<br />
I am,<br />
<br />
Dagirari Onjohi<br />
<br />
Snr Gyno, FAPORET (Fastest Pourer In Our Recent Times)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-40466078423427484782013-10-17T06:34:00.001-07:002013-10-17T06:34:09.170-07:00Lifting Majonie Up Up Part 1<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Two
weeks ago, I promised to beat you a story of how I lifted a "Johnie" up
up" at Sportsman's Arm in Nanyuki. Well,I didnt beat you the story
because of some reasons related to Alshabaab. But today I will. <br /> <br />
Majonie, for those who dont know, are those Europeans KDF guys that
come to Nanyuki to do combat training. The Johnies once they come do
themselves so much and take over Nanyuki, especially S<span class="text_exposed_show">portsmans
Arm hotel as it is their an extension of the UK embassy. If you cross
their lines, they beat you like a baby. If they love your persons, they
will beat you up in front of your persons and you can do nothing. They
are so stupid, they cant know that we were there even when there was
Bucaneer club where we used to dance when Keith Sweat was saying.<br /> <br />
Now, lifting Johnie up up was a result of issues related to persons.
Its a long story but I can try and shorten it small or start from the
beginning so that you can know where I was coming by lifting a very
dangerous Johnie up up.<br /> <br /> There was this persons who, since 2010,
had evaded putting it on head for me. She would drink my dogogio and
before she could get eaten well, she would lost. It became a routine
until I started to evade her, but once in a while, she would show up, I
would try to borrow again, but she wold not put it on head for the
leader again until I gave up completely on ever climbing her.<br /> <br />
And its not that she was the kind that reserve it for future husbands or
ants. No. She was a regular putter of it on head for other men except
me. She did not refuse other men but me, I was seeing it either with
heart or on clothes. And its not that she had heard with rumour that I
was a trapper of man. No. She had been climbed by worse trappers than
me. <br /> <br /> One day we were beating dogogio with her and I asked her
what I lack that she vowed never to put it on head for me. She telled me
that if I wanted her to put it on head, I should buy her a fridge. I
threw saliva out and refused to know if it has stairs or if it will
stick in my josto so that anytime it standed, it would start climbing
behind the scenes, even when swinging bells in River road. <br /> <br /> I was refusing to know what premium value it had in excess of what <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=821672450&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/martin.perfumedgarden?directed_target_id=0">Maura</a>
and I get when we go to massage parlors where we pay an average of 1500
(PS: BREAKING NEWS: That Buru Massage we go has upped the price since
VAT came. It is now 2000!!! I had gone there with 2000 only in my
pocket, the one doing me massage telled me "u know the price? I saided
1500. She saided 1500 with no massage, with massage, its 2000. I telled
her I am a customer. She telled me Rent and cost of living has upped.
So, I refused to know, if its just pouring, I would rather go to Luthuli
and it is 300 bob, or wiat until night and go to Egessa, though with a
risk of being stolen. So I saided, sawa, do both and walked home. But
that persons who did me massage on that day was of Illuminati. confirmed
true!! On both her laps, she was drawn two satans with horns facing
front. So, when she putted legs at 140 degrees, I was trapped between
two satans. Please, I did not like it oh)<br /> <br /> I however promised
her that I will buy her a second hand fridge from shylocks of her
Kasarani Estate. There are many shylocks in every estate where people go
to hang things when their pockets have dried or when they have drinked
all money before end month.<br /> <br /> But in head, I was telling her that
she saw me at night, the only thing she will ever eat from me is by
stomach and mouth. And anyway, if I had that extra money, I would throw
it to <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=100001539770471&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/mose.wa.hellen?directed_target_id=0">Kamuti</a> the co owner of <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=401093486643884&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kigogoine-Fashions/401093486643884?directed_target_id=0">Kigogoine Fashions</a> so that he can add stock of clothes from Germany and Turkey. <br /> <br />
About a week later, I was beating dogogio with Theuri at Gloria hotel
when she called and telled me she has seen a good fridge at her hood's
shylock that was costing 25k. She asked how I see. I telled her no
problem, if she like, good. She telled me when to buy and telled her to
wait small. <br /> <br /> When I cutted phone I telled Theuri "Gashaitani
ke hau kanguaga ta keino. Ati ndikagurire friji na nikaregire kuruta
thuruari. Ta njira uria ngukaruma?" (Another satan there carry me like
tiita? She wants me to buy her a fridge and she refused to put it on
head. Ebu tell me what to abuse her?)<br /> <br /> Theuri laughed small, then beated lips and saided "Iko uguo munene i, twi dugu, nima? (Do, this leader, we are friends, true?)<br /> <br />
I saided like satan. He then telled me in ear "Iko uguo i, tuongithie
mibera, nie na maraya yakwa kinya kiroko, na nie ngukuonia undu uguika,
ukuria pipo iyo free, guarantee" (Do, this, buy me and my trapper
dogogios until morning, and in turn, I will show you a guaranteed way
you will eat that persons for free"<br /> <br /> I trust Theuri when it comes to issues related to persons persons. We dont joke on such a serious issue. <br /> <br />
He then telled me, "Why dont you go with that persons to Luthuli or
supermarket and buy a fridge, but dont pick same day. Cite transport or
any other logistics. Tomorrow of that day, go pick the fridge (without
her) and sell it on <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/group.php?id=103265446471043&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/sokokuu/?directed_target_id=0">Soko Kuu</a>
or sell to Shylocks at a very great loss? Si your problem is the
aftermath feeling of pain when you imagin a persons is cooling beers of
other men in her house in a fridge you boughted? <br /> <br /> I thoughted of <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/group.php?id=131378148922&extragetparams=%7B%22directed_target_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/sokonyeusi/?directed_target_id=0">Soko nyeusi</a>
where I see people selling all manner of stuff and head telled me if I
advertised, I would get a buyer fast because someone know reads my
stories might die of mercy and buy it because it is me selling They
might think thats the best way to repay me for writing stories of giants
for free. There there, I knelt down to thank God for creating such an
intelligent man like Theuri. Before I finished kneeling, he telled me<br /> <br />
"Amba utige muhahi. Tiga kuhika muhahi ta ruharo. Muraya wa tata Susana
arutaga wira ku?" (Stop excitements. Stop hurrying excitement like
diarrhea. Tell me, where does Muraya of Aunt Susana?"<br /> <br /> I saided XXX supermarket. <br /> <br />
He continued "Do you know you can draw with him, you buy a fridge from
there but dont pick same day. Tomorrow, say you have changed mind,
citing bad reviews on the internet and ask for change of item or refund.
He can easily organize to liaise with accounts so that a credit note is
raised and in 3 days, you will have all your money back, 100%. You will
only give him small money, like 5k"<br /> <br /> I felt round round due to
happiness. I telled Theuri because of him thinking like 5 men, I will
put full tank AKUKU's Noah that can carry upto 10 people, to take us to
and back Nanyuki tomorrow of that to get 180 putted outside Nairobi. <br /> <br />
We called MPESA to come with us and Akuku got very happy because he had
a persons who also had refused to put it on head for him and Nanyuki
was the most ideal for her to put on head. MPESA saided he cant carry a
persons from Nairobi while Nanyuki had all varieties that any man would
die to climb. <br /> <br /> There there, I called the persons and telled
her if I should send her 25k to buy second hand, or if we can go buy a
new one from a supermarket. However, it was just measuring her devils
because even if she saided I send, she want second hand, I would not
have sended. <br /> <br /> She saided we go to supermarket. I telled her we
meet at XXX as early as 11 AM. I then telled her if she would mind we go
to Nanyuki after we boughted to eat happiness there. She siaded she
loves Nanyuki to death.<br /> <br /> The following day, armed with 21k in
cash and 51k in mpesa, all with no use, I called her and already, she
was at the rendezvous. <br /> <br /> We inserted inside the branch of the
XXX supermarket until 3rd floor where things of kitchen and fridges and
cookers are kept. Earlier, I had called Muraya of Aunt Suzana and telled
him my plot. He advised me to choose a fridge which we will later say
we change to another brand so that it will not be possible to carry same
day if she insisted on taking it home first.<br /> <br /> She looked at all
the fridges and choose one LG going for 35k. When she saw I had no
worry, not asking her to choose a cheap cheap one, she asked if she can
take a Micro wave. I almost telled her it causes cancer, then remembered
that I was only buying her with heart, or shadowry, or in a movie, not
in real life. I telled her to pick her choice. She picked one going for
8k. <br /> <br /> I telled her if she had shopped all she wanted and saided
yes. She then asked me "Sweerie, ama nichange nichukue ire (pointing at a
slightly large going for 41k).<br /> <br /> I telled her that all day was
hers and I will go any mile she wants me to. We telled the attendant to
change to that and he wrote the details of it on a paper and handed it
to us to go pay.<br /> <br /> In total now, I was supposed to pay 49k. I
went to the counter, still in the same floor and handed the paper
written some numbers. With loud voice, I saided "Do you have PDQ?" so as
to appear sophisticated. He telled me yes. I then remembered the money
was not in my nationhela that hardly works but on mpesa. I telled him if
they have lipa na mpesa. He telled me yes. He then asked if I have the
royalty card. I saided no. <br /> <br /> He keyed in the figures, then gave
me the mpesa lipa na mpesa paybill and amount to pay. When the receipt
was generated, my face instantly turned wet because of the kisses I
received from the persons. She telled me how she has loved me all along
and how I am the greatest man after the one who invented money.<br /> <br />
In head, I telled her that she saw me at night and what will get her on
monday, she will refuse to know if I was born or curved. She will
refuse to differentiate between satan and myself. <br /> <br /> As we were
about to "leave", my cuzo who is a supervisor came and asked me what we
were doing there. I telled him we were there to buy a fridge. I showed
him what we bought and he saided "aaaaaaaaa, why did you buy this? You
should have taken this Samsung model. Its a more superior in quality,
durability, service, fire consumption and its guarantee is more. And to
make the matter worse, the price range is the same"<br /> <br /> I putted my hands in my head in "regret" as if I was about to say chinekeee. <br /> <br />
He consoled me and telled me that I can however change if I want. I
saided I want. I asked the persons if she wants and she saided yes. <br /> <br />
He then telled us that he has to raise a credit note, and then we will
change to the brand we wanted. We saided he is the one that knows. He
then warned us that we can only come for it on Monday because its a
process to raise credit not and stuff. I telled him not to change, we
will carry LG because we dont want to wait. The persons interrupted me
and saided she will wait because after all, we were going to Nanyuki
later that<br /> afternoon. My heart smiled because it would have been another long story if she had agreed with me. <br /> <br /> We filled some forms and left.<br /> <br />
When we were leaving, she was looking at me as if I had turned from
'Fat Onjohi' to Brat Pratt. Its like I had become those Europeans that
they hunt on the dating site on the internet.. In her head, she was
refusing to know why she did not also say she wanted a 52" LED Samsung.
She was refusing to know where this good man had been all those years.
She regretted not having met me 10 years ago.<br /> <br /> We then left and went to meet Theuri, Akuku and MPESA to arrange how to remove to Nanyuki. <br /> <br />
At exactly 2 PM we removed from Nairobi until Nanyuki. On our way, I
could tell, she was asking when night will come so that she can put it
at 180 or further apart to the greatest man on planet earth. <br /> <br /> To be continued once mpesa messages starts streaming in. <br /> <br /> I am,<br /> <br /> Dagitari Onjohi.<br /> Snr. Gyno & Chairman, DOGECAB (Dont Get Carried Babish)</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-54504078068876246852013-10-17T06:31:00.001-07:002013-10-17T06:31:45.183-07:00Why Faulu Loans is Fire to Bask From FarI was seated somewhere a while ago and like a person that does not have even one brain, I started to listen to a conversation of others. They were talking of how they will go to auction a shop of a person in their group who has failed to pay a loan for two weeks now.<br />
<br />
It reminded a few stories I have about Faulu, among them, this I am going to beat you.<br />
<br />
If you come to my village and mention Faulu Kenya, every homestead will throw saliva out and wish you all the bad things in life. This is because of the news that Faulu has shown them. 100% of them believe that Faulu, before they give you a loan, take it to a back dark room, like the way Muhindi takes salary of employees, sits on it and curses it so that it does not help the beneficiary.<br />
<br />
The story of witched Faulu loan money started with Theuri. I am also a witness that Faulu money is cursed, just like salary of Muhidi or loans of shylock.<br />
<br />
For those of you who have ever started a biz, there is that one business that has ever climbed you even kwa nyeni until you refuse to know where is front or back.<br />
<br />
I telled you my first ever biz I wanted to start that did not even start was of selling cows of slaughter. You know that story where I was given money by my dad, The Moshe Dayan, to buy a bull for selling to be slaughtered. I went and bought the bull but did not carry it that same day from the seller because I did not have a place to keep and Moshe Dayan could not allow it in our homestead because he feared it will climb our cows and put them stomach. He did not want our cows to be putted stomach inferior breeds.<br />
<br />
On Monday, the day of slaughter, I went to pick the bull early in the morning to take it for slaughter and make money. When I entered that homestead, I was met by a parade of sad people, among them the seller. But he was too sad to talk. With alot of sorrow, one villager telled me "Wanjohi niwakinyiruo ni uhoro? (Wanjohi, news have reached you?)<br />
<br />
I said no news. Head was thinking somebody died.<br />
<br />
He telled me "ndiraigua uragurire nduma guku ira, riu ndume yaku ndirakiheneirio ni jehofa(I heard you bought a bull here yesterday. I hear that bull was summoned by the creator)<br />
<br />
I asked what he meant. He telled me it died suddenly without illness.<br />
<br />
In anger, I protested to get refund saying the bull died in his hands but he made me undestand that it started being mine the moment I bought it. Even the local chief sided with the seller, thereby going to a total loss.<br />
<br />
Now, with a stroke of bull's death, I was out of business just like that. Moshe didnt believe me, he believed I ate the money. Thats the price of loosing a business anyway.<br />
<br />
Now, after Theuri finished to read how to draw houses, he did not find work and no one was willing to be drawn a house by a newbie. He ate problems until he returned to the village.<br />
<br />
When I went to visit the village, he asked me how I can help him remove from village. I telled him to come to Nairobi to start a business, he needs to have some cash and he can easily get that from his father.<br />
<br />
Since his Moshe Dayan was not an easy remover money, just like my Moshe, I advised him to employ the trick I did to get help from my Moshe. I started to be in company of bad boys in the village, those that drink bangi and bad behavior in village. When Moshe saw that I will be destroyed by bad company, he removed me from village and sent me to Nairobi.<br />
<br />
Following my advise, Theuri started to follow a bad company of those drinking bangi and climbing persons of owners all over the village. His father, when he saw he will be destroyed, he called him at big house and asked him what business he would like to do in the big city. He saided he can do the business I do. His father telled him to first come and research what fits him.<br />
<br />
He climbed a bus until Nairobi to ask me for ideas. I was in the biz of selling ropes of movies and to enter that business, one required to have alot of knowledge in movies, so I knew he would fail in that because he wasnt a village village man. So, I sold him an idea of a guy who was successful in selling tomatoes straight from shambas to Marigiti here in Nairobi.<br />
<br />
I telled him we go look for him and ask him how it goes. He telled me that that woudl be a bad idea because no one can tell you the business he does so that you dont bring competition. He telled me that we should go to Marigiti and do our own research. With our reasearch, we established that the profits were more than double.<br />
<br />
He went back to his Moshe and telled him he has found a business that will bring super profits. They did mathematics together again until the father bought the idea. But there was a small problem. The father did not have money, though had access to a loan facility at Faulu.<br />
<br />
Theuri telled his father not to worry, it is him that will repay loan because the business must repay itself, come rain come sun.<br />
<br />
The father run to Faulu and was given 80k. He handed over the money to Theuri.<br />
<br />
It is that Theuri, until Nairobi. I took him to Mairigiti again to do more research. The brokers were so friendly, they even gave us the market of where good tomatoes were coming from in Naromoru. He even gave us brokers of farms who will ensure we will get tomatoes at good prices.<br />
<br />
Following day in the morning, we went until Naromoru. We met the broker waiting for us. He took us round three firms and we settled for one, though all the prices were same same.<br />
<br />
He then asked us if we came with our canter or he should organize. We telled him to organize one.<br />
<br />
We then entered farm and the workers started harvesting. They were harvesting those that were red ripe packing them in crates, all valued at Kshs. 70k. At one point, they tried to insert those that are not ripe, those greenish, until Theuri protested vehemently. They looked at each other and smiled so hard until I saw the last tooth and packed only the red ripe.<br />
<br />
In Nairobi, having sold 100%, it was supposed to bring around 180k. If you less 25k for transport, it was pure mega profit. In head, I started to refuse to know where to get 80k and start business of tomatoes and become rich so easily. Since I had no idea, and Moshe Dayan could not loan me anymore after the bulls business failed to take off, I started to draw how I will borrow some money from Theuri from the profits, to expand my ropes business so that I could incorporate cds. CDs were only sold by those with bells of steel and were bought by those very very rich people who could afford a cd player. Theuri in turn was drawing how he will climb two persons together to remind himself days of campus during time of boom from HELB.<br />
<br />
We started the journey at around 11PM when policemen on road had gone to sleep. As we were coming, I was looking at Theuri and admiring him and refusing to know how one can come from the village and make more money in a day more than what I make in 3 months combined. I saided, anyway, of God does not leave you. What he draws for you must reach you, even me, one day, I will buy tomatoes in a full muguu kumi lorry.<br />
<br />
Along the way, the lorry was eaten 6 times by policemen on road. The driver had telled us that the police money was ours because we had not paid the deposit as required by law of canters. We had negotiated with him to give him all his money once we reached Nairobi.<br />
<br />
Let me tell you something. When richness is about to catch up with you, Satan puts uncountable huddles so that you can give up. When we reached past Karatina, one leg got punctured. To change, it took over an hour. The driver had calculated it will reach Nairobi by 4AM because thats when people start buying and here now, we will now reach at 5, a not so good scenario for that business.<br />
<br />
We changed the leg and continued with the journey. When we reached near Juja, the lorry destroyed engine. It took hours to repair it, they completed repairing it at around 11 AM.<br />
<br />
We started the journey again. As we were passing, sunlike persons, near Riverside roundabout, Theuri was teling himself that he will be calling those sunlike to come to him and if they dont come running, he will hit them with a note of a thousand and tell them to get away from him and call another. When he looked at people sleeping under a Mugumo tree where Thaa thathaiya ngai sect used to pray on Sunday, he refused to know why they didnt have a Moshe Dayan that was rich or could access loan at Faulu to give them and start a business instead of sleeping under a tree in Nairobi.<br />
<br />
Small, we were at Marigiti. To insert a canter there, there are some money that is paid. Theuri paid and remained with nothing, even money of soda.<br />
<br />
Peeping inside canter, some tomatoes had started to ooze because of ripping too much and sun. But to Theuri, that was not a problem. After all, people buy even those that ooze. Oozing doesnt make it less a tomato, so he telled himself.<br />
<br />
After parking, I went in earnest to go look for the broker. When I found him, I telled him to down the price per crate with 50 bob which should be commission for finding business.<br />
<br />
When we reached, he looked at the tomatoes and looked at us. Then asked, "Mwagura nyanya ihana uu niki? ka mugurukaga!!? ici no muendeirie andu chips mathondete tomato sauce. Kana muenderie mathai cia matumbi. Itingigurwo kinya ni kihii ici. Ona kuria no murie mtigage urimu" (Why did you buy tomatoes like these? Do you get mad? These ones, unless you sell to people of chips they make tomato sauce. Or you sell to maasais of eggs they make kachumbari. You cant sell even to a kipii. You can as well eat, so that you stop foolishness)<br />
<br />
We looked at each other and knew we had hit a wall. Earlier, we had heard stories of how the brokers cheat that your products are unsellable so that they can buy them like blunt panga. Theuri telled me not to worry.<br />
<br />
Another broker came and telled us to pour all tomatoes at a place he was charging at 500 bob inside inside so that people can come and buy. With speed of light, we looked for people to come do the work of removing from lorry to the field.<br />
<br />
When we finished, all people were looking at the oozing tomatoes and refusing to know. They were looking from far as it it was alshabaab time bomb.<br />
<br />
Small time, kanju came and asked whose tomatoes they were. We saided ours. They telled us that that was dumping. They wanted to arrest us. We bribed them with 4000 shillings. Theuri didnt have a coin, so I removed mine.<br />
<br />
After one hour and not a single one had been sold, the driver started to demand his money. Argument ensured until I saw a problem was coming. Head telled me that the best thing for me was to lost. So, I stole myself until my shop of selling movies.<br />
<br />
Theuri himself could not handle the pressure from the driver anymore. When drive looked otherwise, he stole himself and went to hide about 50 meters watching over his tomatoes.<br />
<br />
Small, he saw the driver of cater leave. He then saw the canter leave and knew atleast one pressure was off him. He went back to his things. No one neared them. Only one women of soko came took one tomato and ate it, without asking whose it is or paying for that tomato.<br />
<br />
When the owner of land where they had been poured saw even his 500 bob wont be seen because no one was buying, he started to demand his money. Theuri telled him he go collect in town. He refused refused small telling him to pay there there. He begged and was allowed to go. He did not return. He abandoned it and came to my shop.<br />
<br />
When he came to the shop, he started to cry. His greatest worry though was what he would tell his Moshe Dayan about of the loss. In his head, he knew that no one would believe him and that was the truth.<br />
<br />
But I telled him that his loss was not alone. I had gone loss too and the owner of canter had removed his lorry from Naromoru until Nairobi and back without getting a single cent, yet it had even destroyed and had no petrol to return.<br />
<br />
We burst out laughing and I telled him, it is God that had planned that loss and it was in preparation of better things to come, just like Job of the bible, everything was taken from him but at the end of the day, God repaid him. He looked at me as if to tell me that God has not done good mathematics there because Faulu money is not of to be joked. He looked at me as if to tell me that his faith is very little to be tested like Job.<br />
<br />
We agreed with Theuri that he should give his Moshe blackout until he makes money to pay the loan. In the village, story reached differently.<br />
<br />
It was rumored that Theuri did not start any business at all. They saided that he ate money with trappers and that I was an accomplice. To be true to God, no one touched a trapper with that money. Only the "profit" money and it was in thought, not in real life. If the money was eaten by trapper, it is the trappers eaten by sellers and broker of tomatoes who duped us into buy ripened tomatoes. Tomatoes are bought when green, they come as they ripe once plucked.<br />
<br />
But it wasnt easy to clear his name. It is his sister that cleared the loan after Faulu raided his home and confiscated three cows.<br />
<br />
From then, and after observing a trend, both for us and other people, he concluded that Faulu is like Muhindi. Their money cant help anyone. They only attract more trouble in your life.<br />
<br />
That is the story he went with in the village to be accepted back. And when he cited many faulu cases in that same village, his Moshe agreed with him entirely and siaded, he will be seeing them and throwing saliva out. The only place that does not bewitch its money, according to Theuri's moshe and everyone in my village, is Muiganania.<br />
<br />
That is why, even today, if Theuri passes near marigiti, he looks otherwise. He points marigiti with elbow. And when he hears anything regarding selling tomatoes, whether new or old, or selling anything at Marigiti, you will refuse to know what has hit him because of the way he will remove.<br />
<br />
But even if Faulu bewitches its money before dispatching, I learnt a few things.<br />
<br />
1. It is not advisable to borrow a loan for (a) start up and (b) a business you have no idea of. If you make total loss, to be called by the father is easy.<br />
2. Also, when doing biz you have no have no idea of, you leave the sellers laughing under the table for inserting you box.<br />
3. When a business falls, everyone will say its trappers that made it collapse. They will say you ate the money with trappers. "katari maraya ni atige maheni".<br />
4. When a business flourishes, they will not see the trappers even if you carry ten in car. They will congratulate you and say you are a genius.<br />
5. If you take Faulu or any other loan money, make sure you use it according to the purpose you took it for. Dont divert even a single cent.<br />
6. If everything else has failed, like you have reached end and Faulu want to come for your things, remove them and hide them. If your household stuff are the security, shift before they strike. If for eg, you live in Zimma, shift to Ngong or Rongai. They will be seeing you but cant fetch you, can only fetch your things.<br />
<br />
I am<br />
<br />
Dagitari Wanjohi<br />
Snr. Gyno & FAPORETUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-42682838776811018732013-07-29T05:12:00.004-07:002013-07-29T06:37:37.363-07:00The Persons of Eastlands On Friday, I had money like of thief. When I have money like that, several things happen. One, tree stretches upto knee level. Then, my eyes and brains refuses to coordinate completely. The other one, my phone either dies of fire, or it mysteriously rubs all contacts of persons, so I end up becoming unreachable or when tree stretches during that critical moment, I start browsing my phonebook to see who will with certainty put it on head and I end up getting no one. Either I dont see contacts on my phonebook and the ones I see, they already have gotten other buyers of dogogio.<br />
<br />
The other thing, is that my car is able to smell oil of more than 200. Its abuse of the word car though, but since it moves, lets call it a car for convenience. The last time that thing saw insurance cover was a few decades ago, meaning it can only be driven at night when no traffic cop is around. Driving it at night also requires many long prayers to prevent it from being hit or hitting any other moving objects because it would be more profitable to lost and leave the object than the consequences. Also, if i say it has legs, i will go to satan direct. Its legs are as smooth as a baby's face. Some people would think that it had been smoothen by ladder to look smart. A small provocation on corrugated road means ten punctures at a go. A puncture means that it will sleep on road or go by rims because its spare leg, which was kaguru sirry, I lefted it in a petrol station a while back as security for fuel of 200 bob. When I have that two hundred bob, I usually dont have the jalopy and when I have the jalopy, I either find myself not near there or I avoid anywhere near that petrol station because I dont have that money.<br />
<br />
Now, on Friday, when I catched that money, I tried to divide it but it could not fill all the problems at hand. Some problems were big to be sorted with that or either not very urgent. There were so many urgent things that needed attention, like repaying small small debts, clearing small small bills in my locals and returning hand to those who have been buying me dogogio for the last one month.<br />
<br />
Nothing was filling well, so, I decided I dedicate 10k to have the car return to road small. Among the things I wanted to give priority to was a third party and 2 second hand legs of front from Cambodians for at least 1500 each.<br />
<br />
I called my insurance guy and telled him I wanted a third party insurance as I waited to get good money to buy full comprehensive. He telled me to send him mpesa of 7500 plus of removing, then he will bring the sticker at 5PM.<br />
<br />
There there, I sended him. Small, he smsed me and telled me "Thanks so much. Na nimekumbuka ulikuwa na balance ya 9k ya last year that you 'forgot' to pay me. I have deducted it, so tuma balance ya 1,500 alafu utume sasa ya this year"<br />
<br />
I felt round round and round again like a dream. slapped myself to hear it was real. I felt pain, so I knew it was real. I wanted to call him and threaten him with dire consequences if he does not get me a sticker, then decided to say, if it has gone to a witch doctor, it does not return. I refused to know why God had decided to punish me like that when I remembered I could afford to send him his balance and more for insurance. It is then that satan whispered to my ear "life does not revolve around that car. You have bebabeba card, you have legs of your own, and remember, you need money in the evening for entertaining persons and paying room for climbing because your tree needs to be thanked for staying long before climbing good holes"<br />
<br />
There there, I putted those misfortunes behind me and saided, it will stay like that until next time I see enough money.<br />
<br />
In the evening, I started to remember who buys me when I am stepping with rim. Almost ten people came to mind. I did one plus one and saided that since its end month for all of them, let them buy themselves, I will buy them when it is not end month coz thats the only time they will remember. I saided that if I buy them dogogio when they have not stepped on foot, they will not remember later. It is like buying dogogio for a persons who is already drunk. Tomorrow of that day, they dont even remember seeing you anywhere.<br />
<br />
I then remembered one guy that has access to some pupils of another college in town. He teaches there and is a climber with ear too. He is the kind that is always accompanied by 2 young souls and will talk bad when you dont return hand, so, you can only drink with or near him when you are fully loaded. When I called him and telled him I have money like satan and wouldn't mind to destroy a few thaos with him and several of his pupils, he telled me we meet at 8 and I will not be disappointed.<br />
<br />
In the evening, he asked to name the type I want. I saided middle, not malnourished and not momo, someone who can put at 180 degrees because I only remain one shot for that week that must be used with alot of care, not wasting it up by beating up up because of lack of space to enter. You know at my age, one joti per week is what I can afford. Anything more than that is unnecessary pressure that I cant cope up with.<br />
<br />
It is this us, until some place called Twisters/Red Square near Kayore junction. I choose that place because I had heard with rumour that rooms are<br />
of international standard and only charges 1k. There is also another one, presidential pavilion that goes for 2500. It has a 62inc TV, 3sets of leather couches and room service. My idea was, if the pupil that was to be brought was of class, and I wanted to make her pour too, I was to take her to the pavilion. If she was ordinary or ivi ivi, then that one for one k. Infact if you tell a persons you are Sankara once inside, they will believe. But when you remove out, you hear smell of sewage running across outside thus removing it marks.<br />
<br />
With him were 3 persons that looked like sun, though not extra ordinary. He telled me he would have brought 'sunner' persons, but they were refusing to come because they heard it was in Kayore and they were used to Nairobi of up or Tribekka after drinking Bluemoon at Madhuka. But those persons looked even more sun when they ordered Gin. With gin, you spend less than devil inspired Snapp and when a persons spends less of your money, she looks double sun to your head.<br />
<br />
My tree had started to stretch as we continued to beat stories, until when one removed a cigarete and asked me if I had fire. Tree returned until stomach. My head refuses to know when it hears a persons smokes. When she saw I was refusing to know, she telled me that what she was smoking is called "Dunhill switch" that when you activate a switch, smell of<br />
cigarette will not be heard in your mouth.<br />
<br />
I tried to persuade tree to think again but where. Even when midnight reached, I was not getting the mood to borrow.<br />
<br />
When it my refused to persuade me to climb, we lefted to sing Mugithi in Visa where dogogio was cheaper that twisters. The persons refused to accompany us, saying they will take motorbike home. He lefted two hundred for them for motor.<br />
<br />
When it reached 3AM, he telled me he wanted to steal himself until home because he had been eaten enough. I telled him I was also not going to drink more. I decided to drop him because he saided he will not climb motorbike when he was drunk like that.<br />
<br />
As we zoomed near HB, I saided we enter and drink one for home. I slowed down and a persons near stage stopped me and asked me if I was going to Donholm we drop her. The guy advised me against. He telled me not to. I refused to know why, so I telled the persons to enter.<br />
<br />
When she entered, he looked at back then at me and said to me in low voice of a drunk persons "We utikaga risk ihana atia. Giki kimundu tikiega ona hanini. ndungiagikua men!" (Why do you take unnecesary risks, you should not take given lift this ki persons)<br />
<br />
I telled him that she looked harmless to me and after all, we were dropping her on our way.<br />
<br />
When we reached doni, she saided she was going to Nyayo estate. So, I telled her I drop her at pipu then she gets means from there because we were headed further up up outering. But head had already developed some ideas. I wanted I drop the teacher, then be lefted with her to borrow things.<br />
<br />
The teacher guy was the first to remove. When he was removing, he telled me to take care of that persons, she did not look good at all. In head, I telled him to tell that to satan.<br />
<br />
After removing, the persons, who I did not know was a Greek like us and was hearing what we were saying saided "Aki huo rafiki yako si ana roho mbaya? kai arangua atia (How is he carrying me?)<br />
<br />
I telled her not to mind him, he boils somewhere when july, the month of cold reaches or when he takes dogogios. She continued "nie we derefa nguendire uriria nyonire ukienda kuingira hb. We wi muega muno no murataguo<br />
niandakaria muno" (Me driver, I liked you the moment I saw you you are good, but your friend has offended me piu)<br />
<br />
I telled the persons we enter at Links bar (not sure) we drink one. She saided she does not feel like drinking again. I inserted car between links bar and another bar and turned. I switched on the light of inside to see the persons well and be sure she does not look like of satan as the guy was suggesting.<br />
<br />
The first thing I saw was cleavage. I felt my heart striked by electricity. Not sure of the face, but the cleavage looked stunningly hotter than anything I had seen the whole day.<br />
<br />
I removed from car and entered back seat where she was and started to flirt small small.<br />
<br />
Small, I stretched hand to touch as I tested if the hand will be thrown away, like the way PMs do when you go home almost in the morning and you touch touch them. Hand gets thrown until you refuse to know why they dont throw javeline in competitions. She smiled, an indication that I was geving me greenlight to touch touch.<br />
<br />
It is me, brookies. She removed the brookie from bra herself and pulled my head to suck well well. When sucking, my other had was holding pocket to ensure that she does not enter me pockets and steal my hard earned money.<br />
<br />
I returned the other hand down down and inserted it in her trouser and felt wet wet. Touching small small, she removed my hand, unzipped her trao, then removed all trouser, then bended.<br />
<br />
Now with the back facing me, I could see and touch all tiita. Quite big, to be precise because it was filling all my palm. Just like of cow, but dont carry me wrong. I touched and touched, puling runguthustu small small, then inserting almost all hand because it was filling. Water started to drip drip, as she said mbus. Small, my hand was full of water.<br />
<br />
I rose up small to reach for a towel that wipes dashboard. When she saw what I was doing, she telled me "We, niki ureka? urenda kuhura na<br />
gitambaya kiu? conoka. ndina cuka, (removes scarf tied on her neck) ke uhure na uyu ninjui ndureda chafue ngari yaku" (What are you wanting to do? You want to wipe me with that towel? shame on you, I have scarf (removes it from her neck). Wipe me with this, I know you don't want me to dirty your car)<br />
<br />
I wiped her tiita with it then continued to touch touch. That time, my tree is almost exploding.<br />
<br />
She telled me "Aki sweetie, ingiza sasa, naumia akiii oieeee"<br />
<br />
I refused to know because I did not have makobosto. I telled her I dont have makobosto. I asked "wina makobosto hau?" Do you have makobosto?"<br />
<br />
She turned and asked me "ndukangue uguo urenda kungua nie. Nie ndiikaga mitugo iyo" (Dont carry me like that, I dont do those things), implying she is not a trapper.<br />
<br />
I telled her then I remove to go guy makobosto, as I was still touching touching. I removed out but did not see any Masai to send. I telled her I cant see masai. She telled me "Si uingize ivo" There there, I returned sober and refused to know why she wanted to kill me for no reason.<br />
<br />
I telled her we go at Nyayo and look for a bar to buy makobosto.<br />
<br />
As I was removing the car, I saw she was communicating with someone on phone, telling whoever was on the other end that she was on the way. When we reached where railway lines crosses the road, near Taj Mall, my intuition telled me not to proceed further because I was being arranged to be either robbed or be hidden and ransom be demanded.<br />
<br />
I pretended to be getting drunk and telled the persons "nieee nidareeeoo muno. ndigokera haha. reke ngurihire nduthi igutuare, nie ndingihota guthie (I have been drunked too much, I cant pass here, let me pay you a motorbike it takes you)<br />
<br />
She said ok. I gave her a sock and she climbed a motorbike that was passing and spend off.<br />
<br />
As I was returning, I asked myself, since she was not a trapper, and she was ready to be climbed by a stranger without makobosto, what made me not climb her?<br />
<br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2]"><span data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0]"><span data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[0]">Now,
yesterday morning, the teacher guy called me and telled me "Munene,
nindirariganiirwo ni ka Laptop gakwa hau ngarini thutha. Ni ka mini
laptop kena bag ya black, wahota guthie carwash uriganirwo ke hau thutha
kaiywo ni imundu cia carwash. Ningumigira huaine" (Leader, I forgot my
latop at the back. its is a mini laptop that is inside a black bag, you
might forget and go to carwash and it get stolen by those people of
carwash. I will come for it later"</span><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[1]" /><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[2]" /><span data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[3]">I
doubted ever seeing a latop so, I went to check. I searched all over
but didnt see a trace. I called the guy and told him I cant see any.</span><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[4]" /><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[5]" /><span data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[6]">Within a few minutes he was there. We searched for it, even inside the hole of pressure but where. </span><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[7]" /><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[8]" /><span data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[9]">He
looked at me and telled me "No nginya ikorwo ni maraya iria urakuite
iraiyire. Ngwenda o laptop ingi" (*Must be that trapper you carried that
stole. I want another laptop). But the looks of his eyes, he either
thinks I planned with that trapper so as to sell it at </span><a class="profileLink" data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/hovercard.php?id=103265446471043&extragetparams=%7B%22hc_location%22%3A%22ufi%22%7D" data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[10]" href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/sokokuu/" target="_blank">Soko Kuu</a><span data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[11]">.
This is the place I will still go to buy a second hand one to replace that one. I might
fall for the stolen one. So, if you hear me looking for a mini, and you
boughted a stolen laptop, dont sell to me, because I will throw you
inside and add that even an Iphone was stolen. </span><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[12]" /><br data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[13]" /><span data-reactid=".r[4ex1h].[1][4][1]{comment584713584905595_6248864}.[0].[right].[0].[left].[0].[0].[0][2].[0].[14]">And
as we are speaking, I cant tell how that trapper removed with the
laptop. I am now doing a harambee to enable me repay a laptop that 'my' trapper stole. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
I am<br />
<br />
Dagitari Onjohi.<br />
Snr. Gyno.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-83376419393908828572013-06-13T07:16:00.000-07:002013-06-13T07:16:10.210-07:00Dirty Money Not Dirty After All<span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #37404e; display: inline; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Recently, police and media have been waging war on strip clubs and massage parlors all over the country. I have no reason to stop them, but they should know a thing or two they dont know.<br /><br />They should no that no one is forced to go there. People go there on their own volition. People know its safer than Luthuli trappers where you can be stolen by force and its cleaner, so, its bad to destroy other people's businesses. More so, if you compare how much you spend there and how much you can spend with persons, their entertainment of dogogio and fare money, you will forever be grateful with whoever came up with the idea of massage parlors.<br /><br />My experience with trappers has not been so good before. I have beated you stories of my ordeal with them before but this one, I have never.<br /><br />One day, when Tusker was 60 bob in the most expensive joints like Cactus. The persons I was destroying money with, after drinking enough, saided that month was there and my tree had stretched until knee.<br /><br />I got angry and telled her to go to satan. After she left, I felt tree must sleep inside. Although I had almost refused to know myself, I went until Egesa and telled the soldier there to look for me one persons, even if its of paying.<br /><br />He brought me a persons and without looking of how she was looking, whether sun or orangutan, I drove until my house. We entered house and when I putted lights on, I saw she looked quite aged. But I saided since it was to pour i wanted, I will tolerate.<br /><br />I don't know what I said and she laughed her all. When, I looked at her, she did not have even one tooth. Even one imagin!<br /><br />I rose up and neared her, then asked "nakuuliza, yani hauna meno hata moja?<br /><br />She smiled shyly and saided no. I asked her again "na kusema ukweli, hata ya kuwekwo hauna? She smiled again.<br /><br />I asked her how much she was going to charge me and she saided 300. I removed 200 bob, gave her and telled her to let me not be able to climb. She took the 2sock and left.<br /><br />But the main reason I sent her packing was not lack of teeth. Drunked man can eat anything. But it is the thought of the many fights she had foughted until she lost all teeth. So, I refused to know, if she starts to fight me, over anything, she has nothing else left for her to loose.<br /><br />I slept small and felt that there was no way I was getting sleep even small without having to pour. That time, there was not facebook to write "insomnia" at night to get people with same disease to chat until one has catched sleep.<br /><br />I removed from house and saided, let me go to Ngara, I might fall on those hostel persons that drink at Citrus. That time, Citrus was the only bar that was saying in Ngara, together with King Lions sound.<br /><br />Just outside as I was parking, I saw a ka persons that looked like a pupil of college in town residing in Ngara. I called her and she came and entered car.<br /><br />To measure her devil, I telled her I was going home and if she was easy with me. She saided no problem. Before zooming, I checked her well well if she had any tooth missing.<br /><br />I zoomed again until my house. We entered alright. Ahh, abc, and when she removed thuruari, I felt foul smell come out. Foul smell of satan, similar to what you hear when you enter Karumaindo or Good hope or other dingy trappers joints. Smell of many muclimbanos that happens without trappers washing themselves.<br /><br />I closed mouth and asked her if she was a trapper. She saided yes. I asked her how much she was going to charge me. She saided since it was morning, she will only ask for 300.<br /><br />I gave her 200 like the toothless and telled her to remove from my house there and then.<br /><br />Before I finished to talk, she started to wail in loud voice, very loud voicew "iiiii uuuuu aaaa"<br /><br />To avoid attracting neighbors, I moved fast near her and begged her to keep quiet. She continued even louder "uuu aaaa uuu unataka kunifanyia kama huyo mwanaume mwingine, ame ni climb alafu akanifukuza.. uuu aaaa"<br /><br />I begged and telled her its ok, I wont throw her out. I refused to know what neibors would think of me and the way they respected me. I telled her I had no bad, she should feel free to sleep on the sofa until morning, so that she can go as she was seeing herself.<br /><br />She slept until morning but I did not touch.<br /><br />That is why I am saying, let massage be. Let those strippers places be. If you are forced to go to massage place, call them evil. If you take yourself, you are game and continue. To the others, there is nothing of you that is eaten.<br /><br />I am,<br /><br />Dagitari Onjohi.<br />Snr. Gyno.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-62073062106319565212013-05-14T09:05:00.001-07:002013-05-14T09:05:56.566-07:00Light Can Never Be my Brand. PMs are very interesting species of persons. They will never be satisfied with anything you do to them. Like for example, if you make it a habit of going home by 9, they will try anything possible to make you you are home by 8. If you agree to that, they will want you to be watching even news of 7 together. If you encourage her to be calling you when 10 reaches when you are doing dogogio and agree to go home, she will be doing that daily and if you dont go home, she will call all people of your family and say you your work is dogogio and trappers.<br /><br />I happened to be home early on Thursday last week and what I heard from PM did not make me happy. We were watching news of Omtura's fiasco with tu persons, including small and then, she started to read for me why men go for mpangos and mostly, orangutan mupangos like that of Omtura who was saying she borned him a baby. Small, she read and read me as if I was the one that was responsible for that particular incident.<br /><br />But with my PM, when such an issue arises, the best thing I do is to keep quiet and listen to her endless lecture because there are some things I can respond and she will lost there there. PMs are different and their handling is different.<br /><br />Like my friend Theuri, he tells us that if he suspects his PM is going to read for him about anything, he enters house and if he sees even a bucket on his way in, he beats it shoot until it hits ceiling. Then, he gets cups on the table. He lifts them and ask why they were not returned to kitchen. Before an asnwer is given, he beats the table shoot, killing anything that was on top of it. When his PM sees that, even what she had planned to ask him is shelved. He telled us that during that Omtura news time, he saw his PM almost ask something to do with mipangos. And because he did not want things to reach far, he AHEMed and showed a sign of kicking the table. His PM, because she knows where his devils have reached, she removed plates from table to avoid them from dying when he kicks the table.<br /><br />My style is different. If PM tries to read me, I make sure I will drink until morning the following day to punish her. So, when she started to read for me because of Omtura's mpangos as if they were mine, I wrote myself drinking until morning tomorrow of that day.<br /><br />Now, I telled you before that there is nothing in Nairobi that I dont know where you can get it from, including, where to remove stomach at a good price. Even if you want a degree from London School of Economics, I can get you one. These days, its easy because you can search from google if you are employed with a degree you dont know about.<br /><br />If you are a persons and you have been hit by hard times and you have morals of satan, I can as well show you some place in Mombasa you can become rich so easily but filthily. But a wise man once said, the end justifies what? say means. And another guy who was born in America called Malcolm once saided, By any means necessary is what you should achieve what That is why you have not heard me talk about that Mombasa incident because that would be destroying a business I can make money from. Infact a sorce close to trappers in Mombasa said that they were just doing normal prostituting and one Orangutan that was chased decided to destroy the business by making allegation that made them look bad.<br /><br />So, on Friday,we happened to have beaten a small deal that each of us pocket 65k. 65k like that not planned for does not happen everyday.<br /><br />After we putted it in our pockets, we wented to Magomano to thank<br />ourselves with a dry fried shicken of male. As we waited for it to burn, satan whispered to my ear to call a ka persons to come eat a portion of that 65k but head telled me to go deposit 60k on mpesa and remain with 5k plus other money I had for Friday plan to destroy . When I reached mpesa agent, satan whispered "mh. Shauri yako. Safaricom can fall tomorrow and it will fall with your money. Bank fall, its only mpesa? Dont say I did not warn you oh!"<br /><br />I returned money in my pocket and saided I put in Airtel money instead. Then, i remembered they stole small money from me and refused to even listen to my plea to return. You all remember how I begged them to return it but where. So, I saided, let it remain in pocket, then when I see either coop or equity agent,I will deposit there. After all, I am not goint to come into contact with grinders aka trappers on that day. Head said, it is better for it to lost in bank than mpesa.<br /><br />I returned in Magomano and we ramnyad the ka shicken. We then telled ourselves we beat two as we waited for darkness to come to know where we were going to sing Mugithi. As we were placing the order, I was torn between choosing to drink Tusker Light or Whitecup Light or Tusker Malt or Heineken, all beer of the rich. There was no way I was going to be having so much money in my pocket and still drink Tusker Lager like a person suffering from wallet malnutrition.<br /><br />On that day, head was viewing Tusker as equal partner of Allsopps. As I looked around, I was feeling mercy for those drinking Tuskers or Whitecups coz head was telling me, it is money they did not have. I almost shed tears when I saw others drinking Barozi, coz in head, I knew they were just cheating themselves that it is sugar they dont like but in essence, they know in head that it eats one faster than Tusker. I felt tha also for some guys that were drinking Simainoff Vodka. I almost wented there to throw it out and buy them atleast a J & B and tell them Simainoff is only drinked in Bila Shoo, not a place with so much presite like Magomano.<br /><br />For the first time since I was born, I asked to be served with Tusker Light. Even the waiter first refused to know because most of the time, he knew us as people that first beat KC so that Tusker can drink us well.<br /><br />Before we finished round one, Mpesa saided that he has a ka persons that is reading how to treat cows in a school called ILRI. He told us that that persons will bring all persons that have not been split and if split, they were split by boys. Others, if they have ever been climbed, it was only once and their boyfriends went to USA and did not return. He called and asked her if she can deliver 4 or more persons to come drink until morning with the rich. She saided like Satan but after classes after 6.<br /><br />When he mentioned about IRLI, we refused to know why we have been<br />struggling with trappers of exhibition who gets climbed every sato by different men. We refused to know why we struggle to pull persons from Facebook and we know very well that we once gotted some persons in Koinange at night facebooking. Some even check in "Galileo" while infact, they are behind Galileo trapping Indians. And all Indian like kwa nyeni. They say front, let it be left to the one that pays houserent.<br /><br />It is this us, until Maxland where we planed to entertain them small before going to drink dogogio of expensive at Westlands where they will check in and tell all of their friends how some very very rich guys boughted them drink of 200 without closing even one eye or scratching skin.<br /><br />Small time, like the rich, we called our other friends who had been hit by hard time, including Martin Maura. We chose carefully to call only those that had prospect of having money tomorrow of that week so that they can return hand. Others were determined if they could go spread news that we bought beer until all club stopped. If one could spread news, we called them.<br /><br />Small, we were like 15. But the persons at IRLI kept beating story of giant until 9pm. Marto, as usual kept pestering me why the persons I promised will remove for him is. In head, I saided that since his choice I know, not easy to get, coz he prefers completely malnourished and tall and yellow yellow, he will eat home. Those are not easily found because they all speak good english and to tell them to come to Waiyaki way beyond Westi, it is to say very very bad.<br /><br />Even at 11PM, the persons was saying she will come and deliver untouched persons. Small, we realised she was not going to come. We blamed Theuri because he had counted eggs before they had hatched. He had sweared that he will throw makobosto on wall if he hears small hindrance because that is an indication of not split. He saided that if she is yellow yellow enough, he will put her stomach and keep her because life these days requires one to keep instead of jumping jumping.<br /><br />By the time it reached 2am, almost everyone had losted hope and most of the drinker pals had left either to home or to other joints after drinking beer without being asked to do equal equal.<br /><br />But surprisingly, after having drinked over 20 Lights, it is when I was feeling like I had taken two Tuskers. That is why when one Prof saided we go to home and Theuri shouted "umuthi kani kwina kibimba night. Kambodians maihuire kuu tuthiei tukuma na andu" (Today, at Carnivore, there is kamba night. Lets go there and we will remove with something), I felt like I had been given a new lease of life. I could not imagine, with all those water in my stomach, I was as sobber as a judge.<br /><br />I wanted to refuse story of Carnivore when I remembered that if my pm heard, even with rumours, or dreams that I was at Carni, she will not even give me notice of losting. She says i passed the age of going to kani long time. In her head, she thinks kani is gonned by small boys of 25 years and below. But I when remembered katimba cha mukamba, tree stretched until knee and saided, only wrong they can do is to stamp my hand. Infact I consider that as a sign of the beast. That stamp is not good oh. It is 999 in disguise.<br /><br />It is this us until Kani. When we reached there, we saided that we will have to do ujanja and not pay the entrance fee of Kshs. 500 bob because it was almost morning. I am one of the greatest opposer of paying money to enter somewhere to drink dogogio. But since we were at Kani, we had no option because that is Kani, not Egesa.<br /><br />We stood outside small to assess situation of how we will beat the system. Outside, we were standing with some guys, some with sleepers, others smart. But we refused to know why anyone can remove from Kitui kwa Kyelu and come to Kani and refuse to pay entrance or lack money to pay entrance. How can someone remove from all that far only to come and stand outside? Who does that?<br /><br />As we were standing, Theuri spotted a thief pickpocketing a phone from some guy that was on the queue. He jumped and hit the thief until he fell on the ground. He then took the guy to police and soldiers guarding there and telled them to lock him in until he comes back.<br /><br />The police, either thinking Theuri is their Senior or to thank him for the good job done, he held his hand and took him until inside, without him paying anything.<br /><br />Small, one of the ushers spotted me as I was looking for ujanja to jump the line and not pay. She saw like I looked like a person who can do a deal. She came to me and asked me if I have 200 I enter. I saided like satan, gave him my 200 and I was inserted until inside. I telled the usher to also insert mpesa and The Prof, they are also of deal and cannot talk. Mpesa and professor were ushered in shortly after after paying the usher 200 without receipt.<br /><br />When I telled them we go inside small to look for a place to sit, Theuri telled me we are VIPs. He saided that we look who has biggerst stomach and smart engough so that we pretend we were guarding him and say he is MP for Gatundu North. We settled on the Prof. Guarding him like real REECE squad, we walked until VIP area. The bouncer guarding did not stop us. At vip, we found an empty table next to Ken wa Maria who had like 5 persons he was giving stories of giants adn entertaining. Mpesa telled me to go tell him to accept to be beaten a photo with us so that we can post it on facebook tomorrow of that day to make all of you know that we know Ken wa Maria. I wented and whispered to him, but he seemed too engrossed with the persons to listen to me, leave alone to accept our request.<br /><br />I returned to the table and called the waiter to serve the VIP. VIP seats comes with a price to pay. Beers at VIP were selling at 300 while where normal people seat, it was selling at 250. We refused to know what to do. Mpesa saided we wait small and see. Small, he came back holding 4 beers with hands. He excitedly telled us that he bought at a certain counter at 270. What a saving!<br /><br />We refused to know if waiter will agree to open for us our beer because we boughted at a cheaper place. I beckoned him, although shaking small to come open. I was thinking he will tell me to get it opened where I bought, bui he did not. He open but refused to know what kind of VIP we were. VIP of cold, he thoughted.<br /><br />For every round, we were doing like that. Persons that were seated behind us refused to know what kind of VIPs we were and removed from VIP because they could not tolerate drinking next to vips of cold. Instead of catching rich, they were catching stories of refusing to know.<br /><br />As 5AM neared to reach, I went to the latrine and met a not so slender, yellow yellow, not tall and not short, a kind that Mato will salivate until tomorrow. She looked like size 8, even toes of hands. I filled myself like a boy child and saided I will talk to her, if she talks bad, I go away and if she talks good, its my lucky day. After all, I had money, I said. I neared her and introduced myself. She also introduced herself and when I heard a deep Kamba accent, my confidence doubled. My confidence doubles with the amount of shrub a persons produces. If she talks like a nigga, I will look from far until I am drunked enough to know how to speak ki nigga fluently. For that persons, head telled me that she had come all the way from Kitui and sharing a table to the crew would be a chance she can tweet or write on facebook that she has drinked with the leaders.<br /><br />I pulled her until where the rest were seated and introduced to her. They all looked at me and said I am very bad if I can pull something so hot like that. Mpesa tried to tell me inm ear that she will put medicine on us but I told him off. I said with heart that even if it was medicine being putted, it is better to be putted by a sun like persons, I will not regret. Theuri also agreed with Mpesa that it was of medicine and if I had arranged with her to come and steal what we had made that day, I had milked a he-goat. He telled me to think otherwise because he had put his money on mpesa.<br /><br />I asked what she wanted to drink and as usual, like its norm to all persons this days, they saided that beer I dont want to mention because it replaced my favourite black ice that was making it so easy for persons to put it on head. With this brand I wont mention, persons drink until you finish all money, that is the time she starts to feel like getting drunk.<br /><br />This time, I did not go to the counter of 270. I gave waiter 300 bob exact to come with that beer of wasting money.<br /><br />Since kitimba songs had finished by that time, we telled each other since we have sinned enough, we go to a mugithi place and enjoy small. We agreed Visa of Umo. We asked the persons to accompanied us and she did not refuse. Head started to tell me that indeed, she was of medicine.<br /><br />It is this us, until visa. When we reached, sun had almost started to remove from Mombasa side. Head telled me that it is better to even stay until day complete because there is no difference of 6am or 8am. There is no small sin and big sin when it reaches 6am.<br /><br />We refused to know if it was to enter or go home. And we had a persons who had it on head but had a very small chance that she was of satan. Infact she did not have thuruari at all because I had touched touched and felt shaved tiita. It is better to say true. And she was not refusing me to touch. But all the time, I was remembering that I had alot of money with me, money that police can get you with and say you are not good. I saw a vision of me waking up tomorrow of that day in that guest room having been stolen everything.<br /><br />I did not like that vision, so, I telled MPesa to take the ka persons, I was no longer interested. He telled me to arrange myself, he also was not interested because he saw many tutimbas at Carni but did not talk to any. He saided that he can smell medicine from 18!<br /><br />I drew how to throw her. I telled the ka persons to go to that Guest at Visa and check if there was available rooms and how much they were charging.<br /><br />In her head, because she had seen with heart that I had money with me, she knew she had finally hit a jackpot.<br /><br />She removed from the car with speed and wented to the guest to inquire. After she inserted her head inside that guest room's gate, we zoomed like lack of importance from Visa.<br /><br />I then went home and as usual when I go home when sun is in the sky, I tip toe until sitting room. I then putted myself in the seat to create an impression that I came home last night drunk and slept on the couch. Before laying myself, I removed money I had hid in the socks and in boxer, remained only 2k in my wallet and hid it in a crack inside one of the seats so that PM does not see that money. If she sees, she will give it work there there and it will not even be enough because works exceeds money all the time.<br /><br />But PM had woken up earlier and heard that I had not come yet. Small, she came and started to read for me for coming so early in the morning.<br /><br />She read and read and her reading now started to become soothing lullaby for me to sleep like a baby. Small, I felt myself. It was 12PM. I removed from seat and the first thing I did was to think of the money I had last night. I looked for it everywhere. In my wallet, in the socks but where. Only 2k in my wallet.<br /><br />The first thing that came to my mind was that I had been stolen. I felt sad that the money was stolen by that size 8 look alike persons. I wanted to cry loudly but then said, I will make another deal, of men get lost many places.<br /><br />It is after I came from washing myself that I started to recount my steps since I entered that house. Small, memory returned and remembered I had hid money somewhere in the house. Memory returned and when I found the money where I had hid, I felt like I had been born again. But the amount that was remaining almost made me refuse to know. I didnt know that Tusker Malt that very very expensive!. That is why, even if I beat a jackpot of what, I will stick to my Tusker. I saw again, Tusker Light, let those that want to drink drink it, but if it eats your money, dont say I did not tell you.<br /><br />I saided that since in head, I had losted all of it, let me put it in MPESA and it remain there. If they fall, they will fall with many, not just mine.<br /><br />I remain,<br /><br />Dagitari Onjohi.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-57054549409399078262013-05-08T09:59:00.005-07:002013-05-08T09:59:58.791-07:00The Other Side Of EmbuA few weeks ago, we had gone to buy a Friend a PM in Embu. I dont know why, but of late, it has become a norm every weekend to hear a guy i know, or a person that is known to a mutual going to buy a PM in Embu or Meru.<br /><br />I dont know why is this , but I have interacted with a few Embians persons and I know they qualify for that position more than any other languages I know. They will not shout at their husbands, just like their Merians sisters. I heard with rumors that if a meru persons loves you, she will become like a tick. She cant remove from you and will never err you, even once, unlike the persons from where most of us comes from. They all have become like persons of Nairobi where once you go out without her, she also goes out with her friends and meet in the morning when cock starts crowing. The remaining good ones have been teached by persons of Kabete how to be licked eyes by cats. In short, all persons are same same as of those of Kabete.So, for persons of nowadays, I advise them to enter internet and look for Europeans who have no idea that they are licked in the eyes.<br /><br />Anyway, we wented to Embu with my group and paid the money that was demanded. Before leaving Nairobi, some were of the idea that we should carry persons from here because we had no intention of removing from Embu at night. In their head, they were thinking Embu is like Ngarua where they comes out with gamboots when its raining or slippers when its dry. They also wear kamisis and bikers and hood, so, even if one looks like sun, you cant touch. I was among those that vehemently opposed carrying of persons. I have been to Embu before and persons that comes out looks like sun and have it on head.<br /><br />Among those that come with it on head are pupils of Embu Medical Training and I happened to know a persons there. When I telled them that the supply will outweigh the demand, some agreed with me.<br /><br />Among the things I am well known for among my friends is my many contacts of persons. I know so many persons and most of them knows that whenever I call them, I call them either to meet my rich friends or to come and taste the zig zag. Although they prefer the rich friends, they also enjoy the zig of the leader.<br /><br />To cut the loong story short, I contacted the pupil persons and telled her that I was in need of good supply of persons, those that had it on head, had no month and were ready to bask near fire. She telled me that she can get as many and that all had it on head. I asked if hers was on head and she telled me there was no way Leader could bring his zig in Embu and it fail to sleep inside a persons. Tree stretched until knee level.<br /><br />I asked how many of the guys wanted supply. Almost all of them saided let persons come. But when I measured their devils, only 3 looked serious. Some wanted to look for themselves, others as I know them, wait until a persons is drunked by other people to make a good ground for them to strike when their buying ability decreases. So, I telled that pupil to only come with 3 persons.<br /><br />It is this us, until a place called Kenol. Kenol for those who dont know is the bar that says in Embu. It is a unique bar because if you buy one crate, they beat you a photo and hang it inside there. At first, I was thinking that it was for those who losted with bill, but was telled that it is put there to remind you where your money finishes next time you pop in.<br /><br />After we settled, I called the persons. In our sitting arrangements, we had satted according to how we have slept horns. Those who were waiting for my persons sat near me. Those that were timing trappers of there sat together.<br /><br />Small, phone cried. The persons telled me they had finally arrived with a taxi because of rain and they wanted me to go pay. I asked how much is taxi and she saided two hundred. I telled her to do harambee among themselves and come inside, I will refund as it has borned. I then directed her to where we were seated.<br /><br />Small, a group of persons emerged. She came with 6 persons and only two looked like sun well well. After greeting us, I telled the waiter to prepare us a table next. I then telled Theuri we move to that table. In ear, he whispered to me "Munene, ka wi na ngomaaa? kai weta kirathi kigima? Nie reke ndiethere njangiri guku icio ciaku wifange nacio" (Leader, you have Satan? you have called a whole class? Let me arrange myself with jangiris inside here, arrange yourself with those.<br /><br />Akuku and Mpesa agreed and we shifted to that table. Small, Theuri came and saided to me in ear<br /><br />"Guitigira ni kuhara. Ici imundu ni jui uria ciendaga. Reke tucietirie makari. cikinina half ithatu cia GIN kana Smirnoff Vodka igukorwo ikiuga ngemi ni kurio. Ona shukuru inyuaga Bluemoon. (To fear is to go broke. This persons I know how to handle them. We will make them drink Hard liquor. If they take Gin or Vodka, by rd, they will be screaming here because of being drunk. Even in college, they drink Bluemoon"<br /><br />I looked at him and considered that an invention of the decade. In loud voice, I asked them "Mtakunywa Gin ama Vodka?<br /><br />They looked at each other and refused to know. The one near me saided "Mimi nitakunywa Simainof led"<br /><br />Head telled me she meant Smirnoff red, a sister of Black ice. I telled her Smirnoff Vodka is the best because even us, we will drink that because it even brings warmth on a cold day like that.<br /><br />The others looked at each other. Theuri telled me in ear "Ndugacihe options. Cinyuaga kinya Bluemoon ona tucihaicitie iguru muno kugura Vodo. na Ciauga cinyue macohi mau metagwo anga Redds nituona uru tondu<br />itingirio" (Dont give them options. They drink Bluemoon, we have even kept them up by ordering Vodka. And if they drink Redds, we are finished, it does not eat anyone"<br /><br />Head immediately telled me that the governement of coalition finished long ago, no more consultations. I called the waiter and ordered Half Vodo and 3 sodas.<br /><br />The vodo half came with the soda, plus 6 whiskey glasses. I poured in all glasses, then putted soda in all then welcomed them to partake the drink. But all half had finished completely. So, I started to question the wisdom of Theuri small.<br /><br />The persons looked at each other and no one was talking. Theuri telled them to drink and not to worry, they will drink until they write on facebook how they were drank last night.<br /><br />From the group, only two dranked small. One of them looked red in eyes like a drinker of bangi, had a nostril and 10 earings on each ear. The other one was short and momo and round, like football. She looked like you could kick her and she would roll until the other goal post. In head, I was liking the one with many earings. Head was telling me that incase mine says month, that looked the better option because her bangi canot tell the leader that she does not get climbed on first date.<br /><br />The supplier of persons saided she will not drink beer. I asked why and she siaded that she has not gotten used to.<br /><br />I got sad and very sad, knowing that that is being told, Dude, month came unexpectedly and I dont want to drink your beer for nothing. Please, arrange yourself.<br /><br />I begged her to take even a sip. She then telled me "Aki sijazoea hizi. nataka kukunywa Kingfisher moja tu!" Tree stretched again until knee.<br /><br />I knelt down for happiness. With Kingfisher, head is guaranteed and you spend much less and in beer terms, one means until I fall down or until you stop buying.<br /><br />Then, she telled me, "aki hawa madame wengine watatu hawajazoea pombe. Si wakunywe ile wanataka mild kiasi?"<br /><br />With my tree standing for imagining my tree sleeping inside her, I did not refuse. I telled Theuri that it has beaten. He saided that each take care of two two from the group.<br /><br />After two beer, mahungries of Embu started to stream in, and the first place they were landing was on our table. The persons looked like they were known by every patron. Akuku came to me and in ear, saided "Mundu uyu kai urehire njangiri cituikirire dawa utuhenagie ni tuiretu twa college? ngoma" (You brought us trappers to put us medicine and lying to us they are pupils of college. Satan)<br /><br />Then, a guy who had accompanied us but was not interested in persons called me out. He telled me in ear<br /><br />"Munene, kamundu kau winako ti kega ona hanini. Ni kamaraya. Ta riu kanda ingi hau ndaigua ikiuga igekite maita ta 40. Kafa urie njaro baba. ndaigua makiuga ikuhe giaku mbeca nyingi kiaria rio" (Leader, that persons you are with are not good. Like yours, i heard a guy say he has climbed her 20 times, even now, he might snatch her. He just need to bid higher when she drinks small small from you"<br /><br />By that time, I had been dranked like satan. I telled him off and telled him that I was not looking for a virgin.<br /><br />But when I returned, my opinion about them had dropped small and I started toi salivate on the "bangi drinker".<br /><br />As drinking entered well, I telled my persons, the supplier that today, I will climb her and one of her friends who had red eyes. She looked at me with bad eyes but did not talk. Head telled me she is used to be climbed with her friends. So, I said I will have my first ever 3's.<br /><br />As we were drinking, they would leave small, some to dance, others I dont know.<br /><br />Small, Theuri came to me. I was almost refusing to know myself and napping small as per my tradition. He came and called me aside. He then telled me<br /><br />"Hena imundu haha ndona, njega. Niukwenda twifange nacio? Iria ciaku irenda o kunywa mani" (I have seen persons, good. Can we arrange ourselves with them? Yours only want to drink. How do you see?)<br /><br />I asked him " How much are they charging<br /><br />He telled me that those persons I brought, although they are pupils, they destroy men of Embu with tiitas every weekend. He telled me that he had taken 3 to the car and putted fingers. He saided that that mine, it is makobosto that lacked. He even wented and bought makobosto but she refused to come out of bar again.<br /><br />He telled me that for those two, they were no trappers even small, just some pupils of Meru university, they just want somewhere to sleep until morning. Tree hit me in head. I saided I be shown where they were. One was malnourished, another one was not momo and not malnourished, inbetween. I asked him which one is mine. He telled me the momo small. In head, he knew if he gave me the malnourished, I would have declined his offer.<br /><br />I looked around and saw no one was seeing me leave. I closed eyes not to be seen leaving and walked out, followed by Theuri and his persons. We inserted in car until a popular place with climbers called Highway Motel.<br /><br />When we reached, I asked the receptionist if anyone can leave room alone, leaving his partner. Here, I was measuring if I can be putted medicine and be left in room. She siaded no, but it is advisable to leave all valuables at the reception<br /><br />I removed my phones and handed to them. I then removed wallet and realised that it had been punched a huge hole. I counted money and gave to them. Theuri too did the same.<br /><br />Up, until room. ii, clothes off, iii, legs putted 180 degrees, ii, insert tree, ii, eat somebody, then sleep, only to feel myself in the morning when she woked me up. She had already bathed and putted clothes and looked ready to leave. I tried to jump but she telled me, she cant remove again, she was late.<br /><br />Dejected, I washed my body and removed downstairs where I met Theuri and many others who had lodged there drinking Shiken soup. All of them had persons except Theuri. Theuri, because the malnoushed did not look so appealing, had removed from room and losted to downstairs where he could not be seen well.<br /><br />Then, small, the persons I was to ramnya also emerged from room with another guy who was not from Nairobi. i tried to hide my face and when she saw me with vagina of her eyes, she dashed and losted not to be seen well.<br /><br />To measure my devil, she smsed me a while later and asked me why I left her. I telled her its her who losted and my phone died of fire. She telled me that she stayed there until morning when she went back to school.<br /><br />After she drinked soup, I gave her fare to go to Meru. But in head, I refused to believe that that was a pupil of Meru Uni. I cant be wrong. They must have been trappers disguised as pupils.<br /><br />I am,<br /><br />Dagitari Wanjohi.<br />Snr. Gyno.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2201867860235793022.post-26317887691831455752013-05-06T05:42:00.000-07:002013-05-06T05:42:00.307-07:00When My Memory Does Not Serve Me Right<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Whatever
one says when he is dogogio can come to haunt you later when dogogio
removes from head unless you are the kind that remembers what you say
even when you are asleep.<br /> <br /> On Friday, I happened to have entered a bar called <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/page.php?id=277857225578678&extragetparams=%7B%22group_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/clubTribeka?group_id=0">Tribeka</a> earlier that I am supposed to enter any bar of Nairobi of up because I was with one <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=1259931648&extragetparams=%7B%22group_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/silver.gaita?group_id=0">Silver Furaha Gaita</a>. And because I wanted <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=821672450&extragetparams=%7B%22group_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/martin.perfumedgarden?group_id=0">Martin Maura</a> to share the pain I go thro<span class="text_exposed_show">ugh
sitting at a bar with a persons that only drinks Delmonte, for reasons
best known to her (though I suspect either she does not want to go to
Satan some day or drinks Bluemoon while hiding, I hope Wangu Gaita will
one day remove the secret) <br /> <br /> I have no problem with Delmonte,
its affordable anytime, but to have a persons remove well well when
under the influence of Delmonte, is as impossible as convincing
Safaricom to write off my Mshwari loan. <br /> <br /> As I was drawing which
lie to give her so that she can go back home after finishing one
delmonte and wait for me until night because I wanted to roam small and
onja onja something new in town, she received a phone call from another
'senior'. The senior removed a plot for her and the plot was to go to a
Shineese place and eat rice with toothpick at 200 bob a plate. When she
telled me that something had come up and she was not going to stay with
me for the rest of the evening as she had promised, I knelt down. In her
head, Silver was thinking that I was begging her to stay, but in head, I
was thanking whoever called her. She telled me not to worry she will be
there for me tomorrow of that day. I shedded small tear of crocodile
and escorted her, still begging her to return, but only with mouth. But
head was asking when we will leave each other so that my phone can start
ringing and when I pick, I hear 'Sasa Onjohi, leta plot oiye, leo ni
friday, there is no month and its on head"<br /> <br /> After she left, I
returned to Tribeka, then remembered that the price of one beer is 200
bob. One bottle only!. Since I was borned, I have never been drunked by
beer of Nairobi of up. Not because it does not cook like of other
places, or it has been added water, no. But the price of it cannot make
me be drunk, even small, it only makes me angry. On average, for me to
start removing stories in good English, I drink 9 beers. That is an
average of 1800 in Nairobi of up before being stolen even one bottle.
Even if someone is buying for me, I cant be drunk, reason, I will be
feeling mercy for the buyer for spending too much on me. I would
rather, if you are buying me, say 5 dogogios, give me half of what 5
beers cost there and let me leave small. If I return sober, I am of
satan. I am not saying we dont drink there, we drink but we start in
down town and when we get drunk, it means we are ripe for Nairobi of up.<br /> <br />
Small, I stole myself until Nyanza house's Beams where Theuri, Mpesa
and Akuku were drinking to prepare to destroy Nairobi of up later. I
beated 8 beers and when I heard that I could now talk Queens English
fluently, I returned to Nairobi of up.<br /> <br /> I met Martin already
overwhelmed by expensive beer, almost losting. I had telled him to join
me in River road but he refused becaue he was waiting for some persons
there. Behind him were some persons, sun small, and it looked like they
also had good buyers in their table because the table had been
destroyed. I looked at one and closed one eye. She smiled and head
telled me to close the other one. She smilled even more. Head telled me
that it was almost good time to strike but wait small until that time I
saw the buyers were finishing money. That is the best time to hit, one
good time and hard.<br /> <br /> After some time, I saw the buyers were not
getting tired. I moved closer to the one that was responding to my
closing of eye and in ear and in good english, I saided "My name is Dr
Wanjohi. I work with an NGO and I also do constrution of storey
buildings of my own..... blah blah. all stories of giant.<br /> <br /> She got impressed with my CV and telled me she was called ***deleted.<br /> <br />
I telled her that her name and face reminded me of Gwyneth Paltrow. She
asked who that was. I telled her never to mind. I telled her her that
next day, I was going to Nakuru for Smirnoff experience which I was a
lead organizer and if she minded going with us. She saided like satan. I
borrowed her no and she telled me to give her mine so that she flash. <br /> <br />
I pretended to remove business card from the wallet, then return wallet
. But my intention was to show her that that wallet had something worth
being stolen if she was of medicine.<br /> <br /> I then read her my no and
she flashed. Then her name showed on my phone as *** deleted. I showed
her my phone that it was recognizing her name, even though she was a
stranger to me. I telled he that my phone is very very tech, it tells me
the name of who calls me, even if it is satan. I dont know where if
gets names but it displays names like magician. She looked at me and
looked at my phone and refused to know. She saided that I was a
magician, but I reminded her I was a doc with a superior gadget that
only me and Uhuru has it in this whole republic.<br /> <br /> Stoeis small,
of what she does and what I do and satan started to tell me to ask her
if she will drink one, but head telled me not to ask because her buyers
had not gotten tired.<br /> <br /> Small, we shifted from there to Mojos
because I wanted all those that knows me to see me in all bars of
Nairobi of up so that they can know I also drink expensive beer. Small, I
saw her text me 'What time do we meet tomorrow for nax?"<br /> <br /> I texted back "mind joining us at Mojos we discuss further?"<br /> <br /> She texted "where are you seated I come?<br /> <br /> That text alone, I heard my tree hit my face until I fell backward. I texted her to come and soon, she was there. <br /> <br />
When I looked at her figure and face again, I knew that if I allowed
myself and her to remain there small, she will soon be history. She will
either return to Tribeka or be stolen by Martin. She was like what he
likes, malnourished small and chocolate. <br /> <br /> I confused Martin and
telled him that I am going to take that ka persons to another dude that
I had promised to give her a persons in return for beer until morning
and following day's beer in Nakuru. I telled him that since there she
was, let me just take her. <br /> <br /> The persons and I left for Psys.
When we reached there, we beated one and small, head telled me that
Mugithi makes persons ukia more than music of noise. Also, I wanted to
show Theuri and Akuku that I am returning to when I was bad and they had
telled me they are now destroyng money in Ngara. For some months now,
they have been telling me that I am now downgetting senile because I
dont drink with persons nowadays as I used to. And if I am seen with
one, I lost and leave then in bars. I wantedt to prove them wrong.<br /> <br />
It is these us, until Ngara's Grace Villa. Mugithi, it is that until 3.
After that, what happened happened, I was drunk and I cant really give
an accurate account of the events, but what I know is that I gave a
solver 200 bob to go buy for me makobosto, but he did not give me
change, I also know that zig slept inside, and it felt good, and it made
the persons say mbus with no mathematics and I also know that I left 1k
on the table for fare, and also remember being begged to stay a little
longer.<br /> <br /> Tomorrow of that day, we were supposed to be in Nax by
3 for Smirnoff experience. My phone had been off because of fire and
sleep. When I switched it on, I was called satan and the trip was
cancelled. I know I letted many people down, and I am sorry, things
happen and satan is bad, not me. <br /> <br /> But among the smses of abuses and others, was from the persons I was with.<br /> <br /> "Hello Dr. Wanjohi. I hope you are good. You are truly a gentleman and a lovely man. Are we still going to Nakuru?"<br /> <br />
I smilled because even my clients, they dont call me DOCTOR, they call
me Dagitari, so I felt honoured for the first time in a long time.
Although I did not return her sms, I felt good the whole evening.<br /> <br /> Now today, I received a call from her. "Dr. Wanjohi how are you?" <br /> <br />
I was abit amazed because its not easy to find a persons with so much
disclipine. She hadnt called since sato morning and today, she did not
risk to sms the Doctor. Doctors are senior people, you know. <br /> <br /> I saided I am as good as fiddle. <br /> <br /> She saided "This is ****, remember me"<br /> <br /> I saided "How can I forget you. How are you ****"<br /> <br /> know it is her. She saided, "I am ok. I still have your card, are you in the office?"<br /> <br />
I refused to know because the last time I putted my business cards in
my wallet was when I was selling GNLD stuffs when I had landed on foot.
In the card, it was written I was a manager, just to raise my ego
because in head, I was only a manager of cold. Which manager with no
salary, only a title. But it makes those who dont know you fear you.<br /> <br />
I thoughted maybe, I must have given out other peoples card, so I
started to recount my very moment since I started talking to her. I then
telled her I was in the office.<br /> <br /> She asked "The same office you directed me on Friday?"<br /> <br />
I refused to know which office I directed her, but in head, I thoughted
I might have saided somewhere along Kimathi street. I have several
places you can get me, and all are in River road, but even if I am
dogogio how, I cant direct on to River road. <br /> <br /> During lunch
time, I telled the persons we can eat lunch at a place of her choice.
She saided near our office. I got even more confused. I asked where, she
saided Kosewe. Me and Kosewe are inlaws, only goes there once a month
where thao drank water on one sitting but since I have not seen people
quing soo much in ATMS, it means that the commissions have not been
paid. All of a sudden, I was in upperhill and I am still there. <br /> <br />
And because I want to maintain the CV I created on day one for some
time since I want to Onja that thing when I am myself, I dont want to
create impression that I lied to her. Who got an idea what giants
stories I telled her? I want the CV to remain, I clkimb again and again
until she will know that I am an ordinary Onjohi when we meet in River
road swinging nyees there. <br /> <br /> In the meantime, I might have given out <a data-hovercard="/ajax/hovercard/user.php?id=794210631&extragetparams=%7B%22group_id%22%3A0%7D" href="https://www.facebook.com/wanjohi.githae?group_id=0">Wanjohi Githae</a>'s
coz his card is missing from my wallet. Sorry brother but if you
receive a strange call, from persons with smooth voice, tell them to
call you on your 'other' number or say you are my personal assistance.<br /> <br /> I am Dagitari Onjohi,<br /> Snr. Gyno.</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0