Theuri Snatches My Yellow Yellow

 Some people are not always the best people to hang around with all time. Theuri is one of them. Besides talking too much, he always  have yellow yellow around him. Its not problem to have woman all time but its problem when he is the only one that has woman and insist the bill to be put one, then when we end drinking,  we harambee equally (except the woman), even if she its Opra Winfrey. Besides that, when all of us drink  sugar free Summit lager, he drink Tusker malt, those small beer that come double double and mostly drunked by rich people and ladies (I have permanently switched to Summit, i didnt know they put sugar on Tusker, that is why we get stomach like pregnant people). Tusker malt is also sugar free, i hear but the price is too prohibitive and the content is too small, only rich people can afford.

But at times, i like him too because he is creative. When the pocket is not good, he showed me how to survive. We go to shop that sell on spirits on  wholesale, buy half Gilbey's each and hide it in pocket. So, when we go to bar, we seat in corner, we only ask for water and a tot each. Slowly slowly, we pour the sniked Gilbey's in our glasses and enjoy the savings. The waiters will look at us all throughout night and refuse to know how a tot can make us drunk. I know we are headed to that corner when Theuri calls 'Wanjovi, weikaire atia ' (Wanjohi, how do you stay). I say 'ndire kindu umuthi' (i have nothing today) then he say 'tukorane kwa Mutua tukonge Mubera (lets meet at Mutuas we suck Mubera) Mutua sell on wholesale.  Thats creativity i like in theuri.

But you do not want  to be with Theuri all the time especially when you have a yellow yellow and he doent have one. One such time was like on Friday but as fate would have it, Theuri did not have a person. All his side kicks had travel led to the village. We were also with Matakwei, the guy that used to eat Esther, a model that was almost runners up in her college in the late 90s. We call him Matakwei because, he has got alot of dents on his face. Most of the dents he has are as a results of bar brawls.  Despite the many dents he has, he eats the finest persons in town.  Akuku was also there. He resembles Mr. Okafor of Clinic Matters, the comedy that that airs on NTV.  You feel like laughing just watching at Akuku. Atleast you know know i dont just watch Citizen eh. We nicknamed him Akuku because we have never seen him with same woman two times. He say if you want to escape mneck, dont eat one woman two times because you will never be tempted to eat her without makobosto.

As time went by, after several Summits, i felt i needed somebody to beat tree. I remembered one girl I had met earlier through a friend and called her there there. From where she was, she told me she did not have fare, and immediately, i mpesad her  Kshs. 125, to include withdrawing fee. When she came, she told me she is pupil at a local university doing computerized secretary. When i asked which uni, she say Kenya poly University. I dont know if there is such university but if its real, I will go and enroll there, do some few packages like Ms Access and Dos and have a certificate with university logo on it so when people ask me if i have goed to university, i will say yes and show the certificate. Now i will count myself to have gone to university. I thank the government if it is indeed true.

Theuri was aware that i did not know the girl well and he told himself that can steal her.  As if it was him paying the bill alone, he was the one always calling waiters to bring more drinks and in loud voice. That was not the problem, the problem was the stories that he start to give to us:

' Wanjohi, aa you remember Jenifer, the girl you bring to me. She is behave like small baby. She make me pay room  and when we go upstairs, she refuse refuse. I dont beg small woman, so i had to leave. Infact i did not tell her i am going, i just put clothes on and leave 2k on table so that she can use it for bus fare in the morning.'

I see my person shift attention and become more attentive to Theuri. I knew what was going through her mind... 'Who is this man that leave 2k on table when Wanjohi wa Kigogoine only send enough money for fare. What if he had climbed her, it would have been 10k'. Theuri as is known cannot give somebody of out his hard earned money just like that.  We knew it was lie but we let him continue. When he see the girl is now more interested in his stories, he goes on

' Pollyn has no thank you. She has no doer of good.  After i made her written somewhere at good salary of 30K, she does not come to me anymore. And the way when she had problem i used to send her 5 k every week. Women will always be women.  Na ni nie nda kahakire maguta, gatioi guithamba (I am the one that smear oil on her, she did not know how to bath)'

'But one woman that will never forget me is Carol. Carol i used to hammer her  7 shots in one night. She used to salivate at my big josto which can only rival those of ancient Egyptian  which is mentioned in Ezekiel 23:19-20 'Their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of horses' Still no ending his stories, he continues

'Tell this angel to look for me a baby that looks like her exactly. Get me a baby that want to be pampered, that want to be helped. I want a girl i can keep, i hire a house  for her provided she does not bring men there. I can kill somebody if she bring men in a house i am paying. I can even marry her because my wife is going to USA on greencard, but i cannot go there myself to be watchman or washing old women.'  The girl's attention was now fixed at Theuri more than before. When i went to the latrine, Theuri took her number very fast. I dont know why some girls get attracted to bad boys like Theuri.I think i will borrow his tyle.

When i came back  from latrine, Theuri continued 'Wanjohi, you should take this girl tomorrow in exhibition and buy her some nice stuff. This girl is not even exhibition type, take her to Mr. Price. When you buy stuff in exhibition, you will see the same stuff with another person. They dont have unique things. And when you take her, tell her to come along with her look alike and I will buy her stuff too, whether she will like me or not, just out of good heart'

When i saw Theuri was taking over literally,  even from some ladies that were seated next table and had their men, i  interject and to show them that i am also big business person.

' You know Theuri, whenever i start business and it fail, it is the business that fail,. not me. I never fail.  When i write a driver for my trucks, i tell them i have license but i will never be a truck driver. I tell them when i go to CMC to buy trucks of local make, i dont have idea who driver will be. If they screw the lorry and it goes poverty, the next thing i would do is to sell the lorry to scrap metal dealers. I am a baad man.'

After sipping more Summit, i continue ' You see, when i open a new business, i tell the people i write that  i did not go to university, they went to universities and colleges to run my businesses. Like this girl, she is in university, she reads and come to me for job.   If they run down the business and it fall , they will be jobless and i will open another one and write other people' The more i drunked Summit, the more irrelevant i becoming and less attention i was getting.

I told her it was time to go. We had agreed we were to climb one another and we headed to room after sharing the bill equally the four of us. I was the winner this time because the yellow yellow was taking Redds. When in room i had her phone cry with sms. I peeped and saw it was sms from Theuri reading ' Dont give Wanjohi. Refuse to remove pantie for him kabisa. I have some dollar i wanted to pass to you but i forget.  When he goes away, give me a call. Ok?'

I pretended i did not see the sms and when she came, she tell me 'Wanjohi you know what, we cant do today. Its our first time to be together. I cant give you on first date.' I asked her what will have changed tomorrow or if she had left the pussie in home and she continued:

' Again sweetie, i did not want to tell you this but imagine my month has come. I have started raining, we cant do each other'. I knew it was lie and i tell her she go bath, i dont mind even when she was seing. If indeed she was seeing, it is illegal in my language, but Theuri had told me long time that if one is seeing,  just insert small and remove. If you do that,  another day when she is not raining, she will not refuse.  If a woman give you one time, she can give you another countless times. (Kamaru the man that sing songs of Satan, then song of God  and now is singing songs of satan again said one day that some ladies put Tomato sauce to lie to men that they are seeing).  All in all, i was not in the mood. Summit was taking its toll on me.  I left the room like chicken that had been rained on. When she asked for bus fare, i told her i will come in morning to drop her.

Tomorrow of that day we meet with Theuri and he tell me how he eat the girl and Makobosto burst. But i know its not that they burst, i have heard from him before how he check if a lady is Mneck infected. There is a way he checks eyes, if he see whitish whitish, he knows she is infected. Again, he knows a person using ARVs. If he see mandazi checks, he say she is likely using ARVs.

So, he borrow permission from me to call the girl because he felt like climbing her again. He say when he remembers how she spins and cries during the climbing session, his josto become hard as iron. I tell him to call, but he will pay her bill, i will not agree to share the  bill. When she come, she come dressed like people of Koinange. Very tight trouser made of  stockings material, you can see the punani very well. Even how she is shaved, small hair remain was  seable.  I tell Theuri in his ear that he ate a person of trapping thinking is a pupil at university of Kenya Polly. Theuri get scared so much that when we met on Sunday when the Arsenal were beaten 3 goals by a team i cant remember, he was convinced that that yellow yellow do trapping business.

He said he wanted to confirm his worse fears. He call her with another phone and change voice and say ' Hello, Chot ni ngafi? (shot is how much) Since she was in noisy place,  she say she cant hear well. It is then that Theuri say ' niko na mia tatu. nikam?(I have 3sock, can i come?) she say 'yes, come fast am about to go home' then theuri say ' Unategea area gani leo?(where are you trapping today) and she say 'Hapa Ambasador' Theuri then cut phone and got convinced that she indeed to trapping somewhere.

I dont know if it was mis-comunication or what but i think Theuri just ate a person of trapping thinking it is a yellow yellow he steal from me. He is a worried man. I am also convinced because that day, she talk with many phones and texts many times. I was thinking she was fbking but later came to know it was texting.  Kwisha Theuri.


In the meantime, if the government refuse to bring fuel price further down, we need to teach them a lesson. If you cant left your car at home (but dont walk to work oh, sio government itachoka, ni wewe), when in the jam, dont left your engine running. switch it off and when the jam open, restart the car. If you are driving kwa muteremko, put your car on neutral or free, if you drive the rare manual car. I learnt that when i was doing taxi business. In such a move, you deny the government the fuel tax revenue because you will consume less oil.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.