If You Want To Get Laid Guaranteed, Take Her Out Of Town.

I have been accused of writing too many muclimbano stories and leaving other crucial life stories, thus making myself boring to you. I have many emails that tell me to write other stuff or else i remain irrelevant like what my composition teacher told me one day. I am say sorry and I promise from tomorrow, no more muclimbano stories. Tomorrow, i will advise you which business never to try, like Bar business. I tried it and tokad like Muthika Ucuwe (the one that buries grandmonther). In short, it is slightly worse than Matatu business.

Haya, back to muclimbano story. One time, i had a very hot girl i wanted to plant but she had proved very elusive. She was a girlfriend of a pastor who had gone to USA for further studies. You know people that go to USA never return to Kenya and majority of those i know that return to Kenya only return with deep english of ma nigga. yoyoyoyo, you know, english that one closes.

The girlfriend of of pastor had turned back after it became apparent to her that her pastor boyfie will never come back. I told her people that go there marry white people to gain residential status. Despite all the effort and convincing, she had completely refused to remove thuruari to me. She said her body was temple of God and her pastor boyfie might be touched somewhere and comeback for her. She said she want to remain the way pastor left her.. untouched. I dont get moved easily and vowed to devour her one day. Although she did not smoke and was a mild drinker, (she would stay with one malt for 3 hrs., saying getting drunk is devilish), we go to drink until 2 AM, but she say she must go home. I devised way it would make it possible for me to climb her. I told her i will take her out to a far town in Nairobi and we settled Nanyuki. I called Theuri and told him to look for girl he want to climb and he accompany me to Nanyuki on saturday. He first say, if you are going out of town, the best thing is to climb girls of that town. Its more thrilling. I convince him and he agree after he remember he had a girl that was refusing refusing to be climbed.

We were to go on sato and that Friday, i asked her to join me we drink one for the road. She never turned down my offer at any one time. At around midnight, she say she want to sleep and i take her home. For the first time, she allow me in her house. I had bought makobosto because the way she was behaving was evident that she was about to remove thuruari for me. Inside her house, we romanced and i did one thing i dont like doing because my grandfather told me its not for our tribe, sucking her punani. She got fired up and allowed me to enter her. It was a struggle to enter and thought to myself that she was a semi virgin. At the end of the day, i managed to enter through struggle, as she say its pain. 'ingia pole pole. this the first time am doing since form two' I told myself that he must have been turod by a kihii that had a very small penis.

Tomorrow, in evening, we embark on journey to Nakuru. We beat car fire at around 6 in the evening and proceed to Nanyuki. We talk alot of stories, although Theuri talks almost all of them. Theuri is a man that slips tongue. He is worse than Esther Murugi, the Minister for internal displacement, if i am not wrong. He forgets very fast and when we reach near some place that has guest house, Theuri forgets he has a girl on his side and shouts to me:

' Aah Wanjohi, no uririkane kuria? kuu nikuo ndahaisheira Kalucy' (AA Wanjohi, can you member this place? this is where i climbed Kalucy)

His girl looked at him and asked ' Ati wauga atia Theuri? Ati wahaiceire u, ngai fafa kai uyu nu twinake?' (Ati what did you just say. Whom did you climb here? God, who is this i am with?)

I am another one that does not have breaks when you slip tongue. I laughed hysterically as Theuri tried to explain what he meant but nothing was entering each other. He tries to say, he meant that 'Guku nikuo Ndehu uria broker ya Insurance ahaiceire Kalucy karia ndandikite' (This is where Ndehu, the broker of insurance climbed Kalucy that i had written work). Every explanation would meet more laughter from me and my girl.

That lady fooled like Mandazi there there. When we went to Sportsman Hotel to have one, he girl refused to take anything. It is then that Theuri decides to tell her the truth that he indeed eat someone in that guest house but did not intend to offend her. He tell her that he is not virgin and he also does not expect her to be virgin. After that punchline, she agree to take beer and life return to normal.

My girl before in Nairobi, she used to take Tusker Malt, maximum two but here the opened up. She drink Guinness Kubwa and drink like Heno Lorry, the one that drink Diesel like it is for free. When time for sleeping reach, we go to some nice guest house. When we reach guest house, i tell myself that i will not eat her with Condom because last time, she is almost virgin and so she is not sick with Aids. Although i indeed buy Makobosto when i was with Theuri at reception, but once in room, i hit the wall with them.

I am a good romancer and i romanced her until she poured even before i had entered my stick in her. When it was time to enter her, i position my tree on her 'virgin hole'. I pushed forward slowly because i don't want to hurt her because last time, she say she feel pain. She put her leg 180 degrees and i hold my tree with my hand then slowly pushes in. My tree go in straight, without resistance, nyweeee. It was like swimming in ocean. Immediately, I started to think she now give me Aids because that is not the hole of someone last done in form two. I tell myself, she could be one of the 'clever' hoes in Nairobi that cheat people they are college pupils or they have only been done once, yet, the number of trees that has entered there can line up upto Meru town na zipite kidogo.

I got so scared and cried in loud voice 'oooii niwanjuraga na niguo nduire ndimenyereire oooi ngai nie nindakua na ndire ndaria mundu ungi itari na mubira' (ooii you have killed me and the way i have protected myself many days. ooi i have died , i have never eaten somebody else without makobosto)

You know what had happened. The last time i eat her in her house, she was able to kuhingira (to tighten her pussi), to confuse me that she was virgin. She was able to do that comfortably because she was not drunk. When we go to Nanyuki, she beat Guiness like Heno Lorry and forgets to tighten her pussy. She opened her legs wide and i entered like i am entering ocean.

I lied to Theuri that i eat her with Makobosto but he burst in laughter. He say his girl was with my girl when they go to Chemist to buy Postino. I still denied but he tell me to go to Ngong and lie to Maasai. My advise is, however a pussy sounds tight, eat with makobosto. Utakuja kugundua ni Indian Ocean mijamaa.

The tomorow of that week, i draged her to a VCT. That reminds of of my friend of mine, we were discussing how scaring it is to go to VCT. He told us, whenever he sees those tu tents in street that measure Aids, he gets in and give them his finger and tell them 'Measure me'. We told him that that confidence is bad because, he does not do himself. He has a woman and if you listen to classic, women are beating men in their own game of muclimbano.


(Update ya ule dame wa bank: sms from her just now ' pick up ma phone if u cant get the money i asked 4, just tell me. I know you have a family, a will understand. Nataka kujua ka utaget ndio nim show mwenye amenitafuta hao. Pls say something if you care about me and if you dont, dont say something. I am waiting now)

Ga shaitani kau na gatiri thoni. Since she work in a bank, why cant she draw with people and they steal like the way other bankers are stealing millions where they work. AARRGG... Kanjinga hako!

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.