Why I no longer send/Reply to Smses from Ladies

I not send sms to ladies again. I also dont save lady that will send me sms. This is because, if i am caught, i will say the person sent the wrong number. I have also stop saving Njeri's name as Kamau or Peter or Jemmo. I have learnt through the hard way. If you send sms that can alarm, i delete immediately. If people of skirt sms or call me, i delete the call history there there. It is through experience that i say that.

Two years ago, i have a girl that sms me everyday with sweet sms. Although most are from internet and forwarded, they were all love message. So as not to raise alarm with the first lady, i changed her name from Hilda to Njoro KTN. Mistake number one. When Njoro call, i dismiss 'I will call you back shortly' Mistake no. 2.

This Njoro KTN kept on calling even at late time but i dont know how to stop her because i was eating her every time and she had good hole. In wazee language, we call them " releaver wa mama) or standby generator. The standby generator of mine renamed Njoro KTN on phone had one of those vaginas that inside, feels like there are sand inside (muthanga). When inside, you feel like there are sand scratching scrathing you (muthanga uraguthua thua) . In other words, very rough.

There are few holes like those in this world. Even today when i remember her hole, my tree go straight and i call her and we go for a zilizopendwa. When i meet a girl who has no good hole, or good face, i imagine that my ex -'Standby generator' hole and i pour. You know there are holes that are too smooth and many water, or too cold. So, when inside, you dont know if you are out or inside. It is then that i imagine Hilda's hole and the sensation comes and i pour all that is in my testicles.

One day, first lady become suspicion of this Njoro. She ask herself, 'why is it only Njoro call and i say i will call back' yet others you speak very well?' When in birthroom one Sato morning, she edit Njoro KTN number and replace with hers. So, her number no longer read 'First Lady' but Njoro KTN. Original Njoro KTN goes. I had come late on Friday and i had obviously your gess is as good as mine who i had eaten the previous night. So, at 11 AM, i see first sms:

Sms from Njoro: 'Hi darling. you are so lovely. How did you enjoy jana's session'

Reply from me: 'kawaida it was the best. You are the sweetest thing in world'

njoro sms ' Really. Am i sweeter than your wife. Love you a million times'

I refuse to know why she ask about that because she is too disciplined for that, but i reply anyway ' indeed. i said you are the sweetest.'

Njoro sms ' By the way, i need to go to salon this afte. ebu si sendie 3 k saa hii'

Another shocker because she is not used to ask for money in sms, but i reply ' Sawa. nitatuma baadaye kidogo. In the middle of something'

Njoro Reply ' in the middle of what? are you in the middle of another woman?'

That time, first lady calls me through the house number and tell me she need money for salon. I tell her 'kwani wewe pesa zako unapelekanga wapi? Na si umetoka Salon juzi tu'? Account yako niliona iko na ma elfu. Si uende utoe na bado bank haijafungwo?"

She start cry and through tantrum on phone and call me names. I am used to that and i feel nothing.

After a while, Njoro sms again ' leo unanipeleka wapi? na unaniongezea pesa ya ka shopping. Sawa?' i replied that i will and leo its mugithi day at Jam Rescue. That time it was catching bad. This days i hear it is beaten too much.

We chat on sms for long. She ask me which stylo i like most because today she will give me until i am finished. I say the only stylo i dont like is doggy because my grandpa told me its for animals only.

After a short while, i send the money 5k to her. Kawaida, i retrieve number from the saved number. Something tell me i know this number better than that, it looks more familiar than i thought. I hit the send button and guess who number show on Mpesa after i send money" ' the first lady's!".

I go to phone and check again to see how i picked first lady number instead of Njoro KTN. when i go check who is saved as Njoro KTN, i see it is first lady. I feel urinal come near the penis. I pray if it is possible Alqaida bomb our building and i be the first to die. Then i remember i am a sinner and if hell is real, i will be its guest. I look out and see if i can jump out and fall dead.

I tremble all body and testicles. My mind go blank and cannot think again. After a while, my mum call me, she, say first lady call her crying and tell her all things. She say she is on way to Nairobi to attend to that. I dont know what to do, whether to run away to Egypt or what to do. I call my friend and tell them story. One of them tell me to deny all and say i all knew it is the first lady and that is why i sent the money for salon.

If you think Libyans and Japan have had a hard time, you should have been in my house. When i entered that house and see situation, mum crying and wife crying, i decide to run away small. I tell the story as i was advised, that how can i not know the first lady's number off head and i was just playing with her. Somehow somehow, they bought the story. But i say from that day, if a chick send me sms, i call back and talk. Whatever it is, i dont reply back to sms from ladies. NEVER AGAIN.

Theuri has seen it too. He thought he was clever by deleting sms. One day, his wife see sent messages to a girl. They were actually on delivery reports folder.

"Swirri, leo nakam uni shave. Kwanza naskia zangu tunaweza uza zikashone piece na tumake chapaa. Na leo unanyonya mpaka maheke. kama sio ivo sikuji" (sweeti, today i come you shave me. first i feel we can even sell them to make piece and we make money)

He denied and said he had given a friend called Wanjohi to use his phone. He say "Wanjohi ni jamaa mnjinga sana. What is this now? he cant even buy credit kwa simu. akiokoa jahazi yeye hulipa ten bob kila siku mpaka iishe".

He took phone and called me and started reading me for sending smses using his phone. He gave wife his phone to talk to me. I did not deny and she really read for me. I told her i will not borrow his phone again, although i had no idea about the texts. He calls me savior of his marriage and from that day, akapata akili pia.

I have also said, i will never safe ladies number as men's name. If i think you are worth the risk, i cram your number offhead. Like now, i know all this ladies no offhead: Chiku, lydia, Janet, Martha, Shiru, Wambu, Aggie, Ruth, Polly, Anastac, Abi, Nina, Soni, Maggie, Triza, Terry to mention but a few. And thats Wanjohi for you.

I remain,

Wanjogi wa Kigogoine