The Good, The Bad And The Ohh My God.....

For many times, i have telled myself that i will never do online dating. Long before facebook (oops fb aint dating site, or is it?) there was sms dating. I tried and failed miserably. All the girl that come are either beyong expired date or factory rejects. Then when facebook came, i tried and what a date they were... straight from hell.

From the experience it give me, i said that, i will never befriend anybody with no profile photo or, girls that put Rihana photos as their profile picture. I dont know what disturb us but i think is because of food we eat. We eat food that makes us feel like planting someone out. Others when situation become bad and use their hands until they pour. Ladies are advantaged because they can buy a toy that look like a man's tree and plant themselves. I dont know if there are toys that look like holes and if there were, i am not sure if anyone would buy.

I dated one that had Rihana photo as profile picture. I didnt know Rihana and had never seen her photos and so i was thinking this girl on facebook with Rihana phot was indeed herself.. beautiful and stuff. Everyday, i used to tell her she is the most beautiful girl have ever seen and she say everybody says that. Infact she said she used to be miss Campus in her college days. I filled myself (kujijaza) and invited her for drink. I had even borrow online and she say ok. I was longing to see evening come so that i see this hot chick. I has been imagining all week how i will plant her.

I tell her i will marry her as second wife. I tell her my grandpa, who i am named after had three wifes and so who i am not to have 3 wifes? although she know its joke, she believed that i can at least keep her. Her last name is Gathoni and i sing her a popular song everyday:

'njukite ngiuragiriria kwa nyina wa gathoni, kairetu keru gaceke, na njuiri no ta ya Borana. Gathoni, nigwenda, nguthua thuage mukonyo (I have come asking for mother of Gathoni home, a thin brown girl and hair is like Borana. Gathoni, i want to be scratching scratching your navel daily)

She entered box and that evening, I had asked her where she want to drink beer. She she say she only like Tropez. I had called my friend Theuri (kiherehere friend of mine) to come and see what i will be eating for dinner. Since i wanted to appear a regular there, i called one waiter and gave her 2k. I told her that my order of beer is pre-paid in cash. When she bring my round, she should write me a bill and put it on glass, now that she has my 2k already. The idea was to show the Rihana look alike girl that i drink on bill on big places like Tropez. Am a biiig man.

When evening arrive, i hear sms ring. It was her, she said she is at outside wearing red blouse. So i wented out and tried to look for Rihana. I saw one girl in similar description but doubted it was her. I thought - 'this can't be Tina. a a' .

If i say she was black it might be an understatement, but if you have seen Sudan people, she is a little blacker than them. Black is beauty, but for heavens sake, it is problem when you put many red lipstick, when everything is overdone. Red blouse is cool but.. mgongo wazi (bare back) with very thick black bra straps at the back? a a. Then, she wear black stockings and the legs are chicken thin? ah ah!

I decided to try her number and see who will answer. When i saw who answer phone, i quickly cut phone and started to plan how to escape. But her eyes were on me and i see she smile and come towards me. When i saw her big bag i hear people call fornication bags, i start to imagine what is inside..

'Are you Wanjohi?' She asked as she lift one hand up to hag me.

'ye ye yes. and are you Tina?

'YES. i am Tina. Pleasure to meet you at last..'

'The pleasure is all mine'. I had heard from Nigeria movie what you say when someone say pleasure to meet you.

I then invited her to Tropez upstairs to where Theuri and others were seated. Almost everybody turned when we enter. I introduced her to Theuri. Theuri has no brakes and started laughing and say is this Tina? She looks flying dude'.

He then tell her how we have been planning to take dowry to mama Gathoni. Theuri whispers to me and say ' Dude, you say you cant eat some things, but that is somethings. But dont worry, the only bad hole is of snake. And like her last name Tina, she had big itish'

'Again, you see girls who look like her, its advantage because most men dont notice them. Try and you will see, she has tight hole. Maybe she is her not been dug even once' I tell her am not interested. He say then we should split. "ndigano njuru no ya kihii (the only bad separation is of uncircumcised boy)

But anyway, no one is too ugly for men, it is criminal to dress in some ways. Theuri took over after sometime and i climbed her big time. He told me she has fire, she did not let Theuri sleep. Every time, she wakes Theuri up and tell him to dig again. The way Theuri put the story makes my tree stand when i remember how he tell me the story. The downside, according to Theuri was that she said she can never put his penis in her mouth. She say she can vomit even for thinking of putting a penis in her mouth.

Beaten twice thrice shy, i said i will never date anybody from Facebook. But this girl kept on poking me many times. She looked real because she had many photos of her with friends even in parties. We became friends too much and talked on phone every day. Everyday when i invite her, she refuse and tell me 'What would you do if you found i don't look at hot as i look in face-book?'

I tell her i wouldn't do anything. "Kwanza mimi sipendi madem wakali sana. naskianga insecure" (I don't like bitter ladies. I feel insecure). She later showed up one Saturday. She did not look an inch of that girl on facebook. I am not sure if we climbed one another but all i remember was a knock on door of room asking for bed sheets and a pack of used makobostos. ' we fungua ulushe machuka hapa ije. Mathaa imepita sana' Later, I learned that all the pics in her albums and prof pics are of her sister. I dont know why because she did not look too bad.

Old habit die hard. I defied my language that says " Iri gwithamba iticokaga gwota mwaki" ( that has bath dont bask in fire again) when i see another hot one on fb. But i played cautiously this time. I wanted to be sure if the hot girl is herslf, i asked her to tell me where she work so that i send Pizza by deliveries and she agree. I call the delivery man later and he tell me she is supper hot. So, i get courage and call her for beer. When she turns up, she turns up with two female friends and a young man she say is their young brother. Then the stuff they order are incredibly 'ooh my God'

My date said she want Vodo just like her brother and the other lady shots of tequila. I tell waiter to bring half Vodo as i inquired what the hell Tequila was. My date say no, they want it in shots. Four shots of Vodo is equivalent of half vodo in price. I wanted to protest but my spirit was weak.

Later when they got mahiriri, i heard the bro say

"ule jamaa alitubaiya KC jana... alinipigia.."

then she replied "aende nauko na ma KC zake. kwanza niko na Kibao moja kwa hao. tuko filled up leo..."

I interjected and said "Mimi sipendi KC. kama niko mtaani, mimi napenda Naps." I said that to measure their brains (kuwapima akili) After that, i refused to buy another shot for them. Talk of class.

From that day, i pinched myself and said, if i meet someone on facebook, they remain fb friend.

But if you must and want to be sure if she is hot or not, ask for her office location and send a pizza through deliveries. Or find out what they deal in where she works. Armed with those info, go to the office incognito and pretend to buy the services they are offering. If you dont like what you see, hit the delete ' button pap.

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine.