Not Everything That Shine Is Gold All The Time

Not everything that shine is gold. Thats a golden rule and Theuri bears testimony after an experience he had the other day.  But i'm of the opinion that Theuri deserved that, 100%. I say that because, Theuri takes people of out for granted at times. Theuri has several people of out and as he put it, they fall in several categories.  There are those that must drink his beer and eat his money before being climbed. Then, there are those  that  are available at any time of the day he comes calling, even if its at midnight. they dont call him, its him that calls them.  Then, there are those ones that he doent go out with, but whenever he feels like pouring he goes to their house, eat things and go home. No more attachment.

Last Sunday, i was with him at a place called Harris tavern, somewhere near Kayole and Umoja during Arsenal Liverpool match. He told me its long since he ate somebody and he was determined to eat one that day, although he did not have money. I told him the best thing is to call one of his many categories and when she come, he should not give her the opportunity to choose what to drink. When she sit down, he should ask her "Ukunyua soda nini kana nene" (which soda are you going to drink, small or big?). In such a way, she cannot say "black ice" or "Redds" that come double double. She will say "Fanta or Sprite ndogo"

Theuri thought for a moment and told me my idea is not good. He remembered Shiru that live in Kayole gwa shifu. He took his phone and dialed Shiru's number

 " We wi nyumba?" (Are you house?) She said yes.
Theuri: "Thambia murigo nindiroka kuonga kiria thaa ici. Sawa (Wash goods, i am cumming to suck nini right now.  Ok? ).

Shiru: ni sawa, na unjukire na matano. ndi thi muno. (Its ok. come withe me 500bob. am down too much.

Between him and poverty after clearing our bill, he had 300 bob left, although his tank was full. He drank fuel full tank on 14th before Kiraitu added the petrol price.  He tried to borrow me money but i refused. Theuri went and and tomorrow, he told me "mangai ndirongiruo muti wega ma na ndinakihe mbeca" (True God, i was sucked tree very well and i didnt give her money" He told me "ndarikia gukiria, ndirakira kinyumie hau nja (After finishing eating somebody, i told her to take me out).
Arabu? i asked.
tuama hau nja gatuma ini, ndirakine igana rimwe (when we went out i gave her 100bob) kiranjira"
" yani nakuomba soo tano unanipatia so?

Theuri is a careless talker.  "ndirakirora na to ndirari muriu ndirakiuria kai choti irihagio mbia cigana ? (I looked at her and asked kwani how much is a shot?).
The lady started crying and asked theuri

"yani nie unguaga ta mumaraya? iii iiii (yani you carry me like prostitute *sobs* *sobs*).  I told Theuri, he could have at least given her the three socs he had with him coz  "ona ndungirakiongereire cia room akorwo no ugie na guts cia kumuria kai shoti ari mbia cigana na niui ti mumaraya? (You could have added money for room if you have guts to ask how much is shot and you know well she is not prostitute) Theuri said he can never make somebody happy and make himself sad. Quite true, isnt it?

When Theuri told me about that, i told him that is why he has so many incidence of being stolen by ladies or bad experiences because he has no respect for people of out.

I  reminded him of an incidence he had, not long time ago. One day, Theuri meet a lady in a mat. Very fine girl, slim, nice legs and hair is like Borana. Theuri cannot keep mouth closed and he start to talk to the lady.  He ask the lady her name and many questions.   He ask the lady "Do u have husband?" she say yes. He then ask "Does he come home late and drunk? She say yes. Theuri tell the girl that if he become her husband, he will be coming home at 6PM and will not drink beer. She like Theuri and give him her number.

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After two weeks or so, one Monday afternoon, Theuri see the girl call  "Sasa Theuri. uko wapi? Theuri say he is town.  The lady then tell Theuri she is at her house and bored and if Theuri can go visit her to remove boredom.  The predator in him told him he has eaten somebody. He went to a chemist and bought makobosto, then  planted a matatu no 4 and headed to eastleigh where the girl said she live. 

He met the girl waiting for him and led him to her house. He was led through very dirty place in Easleigh to some gheto gheto house. When he enter house, the lady ask what soda he will take and he say he coke. When Theuri scans through the house, it looked very dingy for such a girl. Only bed and one stool and a stove at the corner.

After the soda, Theuri jumped on the girl and started touching touching her. After the loong romance, Theuri started eating somebody. He ate somebody and ate somebody and just when he poured, the lady jumped and started shouting " Leta pesa ya iyo shot kwanza. Na ufanye haraka sina time ya ku waste na wewe (bring money for that shot very fast. I have no time to waste with you. This came as a shocker to Theuri. He did not expect that. He tried to calm the lady and ask how much she want and she say 2k.  "shot ni thao mbili. nani alikwambia kuma ni ya bure? (shot is 2k. who told you vagina is for free?)

Theuri had 1k with him. He shaked so bad you would have thought he had Malaria. The lady was still shouting and Theuri heard some guys at the door laughing and  telling him to pay. "wewe lipa mtu wa wenyewe. kukula ni kulipa!' . He knew that these were a 'cartel' like thugs and if he does not play smart, he will be finished. He could even hear somebody sharpening a panga outside. He started to think that by evening, he will be lying at City mortuary and how he will be buried, how his friends will come to his burial and how they will drink all beer at their shag's shopping centre.  For sure, he knew his hours were numbered.

Theuri told the girl he had 1k  and they can go to ATM and fetch the balance. That is when the girl allowed him to dress up. By sheer luck, a friend of Theuri called him on phone. They were to do some business and Theuri saw the opportunity to 'act'. He answered the phone and said

"hello crue, mmefika Garage?  ile group nimeshika, ebu teremkeni hapa chini haraka  na uambie akina Ruto wakuje pia haraka." The guy on the other end thought Theuri was drunk with bangi and cut phone.

There there, the lady came down and started begging Theuri not to catch her. "Pole sana. Sikuwa najua wewe ni police. Tafadhali, ngoja iyo iishe" The group that was outside waiting to pounce on theuri disappeared.  Theuri could hear none of her pleas. "Unaniambia nini wewe sasa. ngoja nichukue crue hapa nje muone. Mnafikiri nyinyi ni werevu sana eh?

Theuri dashed out and in the corridor, he met one guy and shouted to him  "Hata wewe uko kwa iyo group? The man froze and said he was not in the group, the group that work with that lady has disappeared. Theuri went almost running and when he reach road, he took a Mat very fast and came back to town. He was still shaking even when he reach town  and narrate story to us.  That is how he escaped from the trap. I dont know how many have ever fallen in such a trap. If you've never,  next time you meet a thin lady with hair like Somali and she call you to her house, dont go. You might not be lucky this time round. There is also another very beautiful girl, she eat Miraa and Kubel and dress provocatively, her hunting area is Ngara, especially where Congolese men drink, just next to Postbank. Same style, but hers is done is lodgings.  They draw with Watchment to intimidate you. Dont say i did not warn you.

Happy Easter!

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine