When Theuri Forgot Condoms In His Pockets

If you are a family person and you happen to check into a lodging, do not make mistake of putting the receipt in your pocket. This is an advise from my very good friend, Theuri. Theuri is the guy that has many stories that has no end. If what Theuri told me is true, then i think Theuri has seen many. Like Theuri, I cant tell you not to eat people but i can give you tips to avoid trouble. It is good not to eat people but i will lie to me if i preach that it is sin to eat people. And in any case, Jimmy Gathu is good in that. I am not Jimmy and the best i can do is to tell you to do what Jimmy tell you not to, but in the correct way, because you will do that anyway. You see, Jimmy lost war of epuka ukimwi and now try to make people do mathematics of how much you spend on mipangos. No matter what you tell them Jimmy, no one listens. Believe you me.

One day, Theuri checks into room on Friday evening with a girl. The lodging cashier ask for their ID and the girl give out their id. The writer of receipt writes Theuris name and ID numbers of the two of them. She then passed the receipt and Theuri put it in his pocket. They then entered the lodging and Theuri happily ramnyad things of the girl. At around 3 AM, Theuri left for his house and forget he had a receipt in his pocket.

Tomorrow, he change clothes and go to work. The wife take clothes to be washed by untie and before, she frisks the pocket. She finds the receipt written "Guikana Lodgings and rooms" She look closely and see the name of the guest as Theuri, her hubby. There is also another ID number written but no second name. She trusts her instincts and call the telephone number of lodging and asks where it is and they say in Nairobi west. She take Matatu and go there. She then show the receipt and ask the people of lodging if they know those people who slept there. Knowing that it is trouble, they tell her they do not divulge information of clients to third parties.

She go back home and cry and cry. When Theuri went back home at 3 pm, he find wife crying and when he look at table he sees receipt put there. He feel like fainting and then plans to bolt off in speed of lightening but decides to stay. Then, wife still crying asks ' iiii iiiiiii what is this Theuri? you were in lodging with a woman? iiii iiiiii'

Theuri mouth runs dry but idea come very fast on what to say. Very 'angry' and shaking, he tell the first lady: ' now what are you crying for? because of this receipt? you should ask me what it is first. This we draw with accountant so that we can make money from company. He asked me to bring receipt and say at job that we slept there after workshop and get reimbursement. This is money and its making you cry. aaah!'

The wife refuse to hear and Theuri pretend to call an imaginary accountant and tell him to talk to wife about the receipt they were talking about at job. The wife take phone but no one on other end. Theuri say maybe accountant hear her cry and cut phone. Somehow somehow, she believes half story. According to Theuri, if lodging insist you must carry receipt, do not put it in pocket. The best option is to tell the girl to take receipt. Dont touch oh.

Another advise of Theuri is, if you buy condoms, dont put it in pocket. Dont even attempt. One day, he go to ramnya somebody at the house of girl. Theuri buys studded trust condoms and put in pocket. When he go to ramnya somebody, he removes cd from pocket, tears one and return the remaining in his pocket. He then ramnyas somebody one shot and go home.

Tomorrow, when he wake up, he find condoms put beside him in bed. He instantly remembers he had forgotten cds in his pocket. He thinks of taking them and hide them, then remembers that they did not put themselves there. It must have been the first lady. He doesn't touch them and thinks what to say about them. The first lady appears crying again. She asks him ' Theuri, ni ukanyonia maundu ngai wakwa i. Ni ndui ici wikirite muhuko. Ukwendaga kunyonia ni urari na mumaraya. Aciari no nginya mamenye ndeto ici. ndathie gwito ' (Theuri, you will show me news. My God, what is this you put in your pocket, or you wanted to show me you had a prostitute. Parents must know this. I am going away at home)

Theuri tries to calm the first lady by telling her ' This we were given yesterday at Citrus bar when we were drinking beer. The one removed was used as demonstration on how to put. Do u think i am mad to move with other women? Dont you know i love you and cant mix for you? Unfortunately, she did not buy that idea that time round and what followed after that is a story for tomorrow.

Another lesson from Theuri, do not put cds in your pocket. Carry with hand.

Kuwa mjanja. Usibebe condoms ama recept ya lojo.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.