If you think youve had a bad day, read on...

After finishing Form 4, my first biz attempt was to slaughter cows. I bought a bull for slaughter but did not carry it from owner that day. Sadly, it died same night and the owner said it was in my hand, i refused to carry it when i bought it. I am not the type that stay in same place when a deal go bad. I decided to come to Nairobi and look for job. I am not the type that can stay in village and weed coffe or cut greass for cows. But before i came to Nairobi, i had the best task in my life from one neibour called Ithe wa Fita. One of his baby had refused school at form 3 and was drinking bang very bad. He wanted me to talk to the baby to stop drinking bang and go back to school. I talked goodly to the baby and he stoped drinking bang, got saved and went back to school and later university. He is now teacher of secondary school. To say truth, i once drank half roll of bang at form two but i did not close (kuhingira). Therefore, it did not harm me.

When i came to Nairobi, everyday, i look at classified section and call for job. One job looked interesting, it was sales and marketing and no experience needed. Only form 4 is minimum. It was in a tours and travel company. They say people make 100,000 per month. My job was to look for tourist and bring them to their office to be shown Maasai mara and others. Seriously, Wanjohi of all the people?

I went for orientation and was taken to places where i could get white people, mostly around big hotels. I was only to be paid when i bring white people and they pay. I failed miserably because they failed to provide an interpreter for me because to hear English of white people is not easy. When i want to talk to one i only hear "sweng heng song heng hhong " My last attempt was at shops owned by white people, but later, i realized that they were Indians, not white people they wanted. But atleast, they could communicate in Kiswahili and make friends with them. And you say you've had a bad job? Think again.


By the way, i was with Theuri yesterday. Those who dont know Theuri, he is the man who when you tell him a story today, tomorrow he will forget you tell him that story. He will cook the story afresh and tell you the same story, now happening to him. Theuri is one amazing guy when it come to the art of eating women. He can eat anything, he is not choosy. I hear (this is rumor) that his wife now employs old mamas as househelp only. Infact for sometime, had been enlisting women who only work day time. Your guess is as good as mine.

But sometimes he goes classy, although he is fond of iria cia gukua (those dying) or "cierunde" (those that lays themselves, you dont need to struggle). This was quite classy if its based on a true account and I dont want to imagine it happening to me. He tell me he take a girl who work in same floor as him for coffee at Sarova stanely, Kimathi street. The woman like his style because when he reach at door of Stanley, he gets out of his car. A man in uniform takes his car and drives it for parking. He tell the lady that he is a member there. The lady is too impressed and she agrees to remove pantie for him.

They go to Meridian guest house in down town and they start to romance. When she is ready to be entered, Theuri remembers he has no Makobosto and had to dress up to go buy condom. That one thing i like about him. He can eat without Makobosto. When he was returning back, he find the lady at the door leaving. He try to beg the lady to go back to room and finish business but she refused. And you say youve had a bad experience? Think again.

Same Theuri, he takes a girl i know. That girl can never remove pantie for any man. I dont know why. She refused to remove for me, for Kamau, for Maina and for Kibe. All this people have money and the girl is a hustler. She work as accountant in small place. The girl is very unique. She drink with you and get mahiriri but can never get confused. I hear even if you carry her to room on your back when black out, when you try to remove her ever tight trouser, she will instantly wake up and tighten up. Theuri became good friend with the chick.

We tell Theuri "Maangai kairetu kau ka ngiga kurutira thuriari, ukanjita nganga (True God, if she ever remove pantie for you, call me Nganga) He tell us to leave him. He buy the girl alot of gift, including phone of Kshs. 8,599 by Google. So, they agree on daylight and go to room. When they reach room of 1500, Theuri remove clothe. She ask Theuri "Why did you remove clothe? what are you upto? Now Theuri wonders, what in hell were they coming to do in the room, on daylight if not to climb one another? He tries to beg but she refuse. She only allow Theuri to suck her small tits. Theuri even beg her to suck his josto, atleast to pour but where. She say next time. And you say you have had a bad experience?Think again.

There was another one that i kow. She used to regularly drink with my friends many times. I was told it belonged to Timmo but was of Edu before they refused to hear one another. Later when they refuse to hear each other with Timmo, Timmo ask if i want he throw her to me and i said ok. But he warned me and said she is like the other one that does not remove. They tell me to try. Infact she was the one that call me everyday. One day, she called and asked where we watch ball that night. There was Arsenal Vs Man U match late at night.

She told me "Wanjohi na ujue kwetu gate after 11 haiwezi funguliwa. nitalala wapi? " In other words for those who cant read in between the line, it is to say that she want to sleep out... with you.


I took her to a nice place to sleep. She ask "are you going to sleep here or you will go home?" definitely, i said i must go home. She then ask me if i bought makobostos and said yes. She then remove all clothes but tell me she need to rest kidogo. I tried to beg i do her but she said if i respected her, i should wait kidogo. i give her like 1 hr. With my stick almost bursting, I zoomed off.

Tomorrow, i tell the boys that i ate her and they all think i am smart o. They ask me how i did it because they were all unable. I laugh and tell them am beed. But the truth of the matter is, i did not eat. Maybe i would have eaten if i had stayed longer... but going by experience.. no need of risking.

Have a nice weekend and i remain..... Wait... since its end month, i know most of you will take your cars for servicing, I want to tell you one thing, dont take short cuts. If you are like me who cant trust mechanic to buy spares for me, Nobody is too clever for some guys wa Grogon. I had had stories before of how people get conned when buying spare parts and i said all who get conned are fools. One day, i go buy Shocks of back. At the muhindi shop, i find many people in up-roans. I say i want shock. The muhindi say 14k. Obviously, i wanted to compare prices before i buy.

When i leave that shop two guy follow me and tell me they can organize and give me the shockls through "mlango wa nyuma" (door of back). I have heard that many time and immediately, i see this are conman. I ask at how much. They tell me to go far we talk. Then as we talk, they tell me they will sell to me at half , 7K and i dont pay until the shocks are delivered and satisfy they are original

One guy runs to go fetch the shock. He comes and tell the other guy "mutua, ule jamaa wa store amekataa kutoa shock bila pesa yake. Anasema tutamrusha" (Mutua, the store man refuse to remove without his money. He say we will throw him.)

They talk and talk and talk bad about Mutua. Then he tell me to give him Ksh. 3,500 for Mutua. I laugh and tell them i cant. He then tell me, to do this, stay with one of them, give 3,500 to one guy to pay Mutua's cut so that he release the shock. I told myself that that was better coz if he refuse to turn back, i will hold the other guy captive. He tell us not to come close to shop since Mhindi had seen me inquiring about the shocks. He tell us when he come he will whistle and we will follow him at the back of the building where we can test the shocks.

We were across the road and true to his word, I saw the guy carrying some stuff and he whistled. I was the first to cross the road and follow him. When i looked back, i could not see the guy that was supposed to be security of my 3,500. He was left on that side of the road. The other guy disappeared. I immediately knew that i had been conned. I went back to that place 5 times, hoping to identify the guy. But how do you identify a guy you had only seen for 3 minutes? And you say you cannot be conned. Nairobi enters 5000 fools everyday. Happy Fools day.

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine
(Born on 01/04/19**)