Monday, August 3, 2015

Climbing a 50+1

I have seen a threat that if I don’t beat you this story I will be voted a director of Kihiu Mwiri. Well... I don’t take threats with any heaviness but the threat to vote me a director of Kihiu Mwiri has made my bells return to stomach.  And because I don’t want that seat, let me beat you this story of climbing a 50+1.

There are those times you scratch bells so much, you wish even your enemy can call you they buy you a drink as they abuse you. Such time was a few weeks ago.  Theuri, Akuku and I didn’t have even what that can be praised  but we needed to wet our throats.

We decided to go to another place they  sell Castle lager on offer. One dogogio is costing of Jomo . Yes, a full  dogogio costing of the late. Meaning,  with 500, you have 5 dogogios and they eat one to eat.

When we had drinked two, Theuri telled Akuku “ Turathinika ni njohi na mama iria ringi e area? (We are eating problem of dogogio and maybe that mama  is in the area?)

Akuku suddenly saw that statement as if it was the best even words saided. He saided “I ma. Na ndioi dagitari, reke tumite auge niaramienda” (Yes, and because she does not know Dagitari, lets call her we say Dagitari wants her”

Akuku looked at me and telled me “Hena ki mama hau, we na ni nguru hanini, ndirenda ndimite. Yoka witue wina interest piu, niukuona uria I gushafua metha. “ There is a persons  there, she is old small, I want to call her. When she comes, behaves like you have falled with her you see how she will dirtify this table)

I saided there is no problem. He telled me to show a lot of interest and throw compliments as if I had met a 22 year old who has telled me she has never been to MKU. He continued
“Waikaikara uge wi muhutu. Ikugura  mieha  itatu niukuona we. Yendete nguiko ta sirry” When we stay stay, say you are hungry. She will put 3 chickens you will see. She loves climbing like sirry”

I asked “Ni hiku? (Is she married?) Theuri looked at me bad  then asked “Urenda kumihikia? (You want to marry her?)

I saided no.  I saided I asked because that will be Ikenia Art’s theme of this week’s play.. “Mwatu wene” (beehive of owners) that will be staged at Sarakasi dome Ngara from Friday.

I asked if she is climbable. They held thin then Theuri saided “ Niui andu matihananaga. Kiria gigukenagia tikio gikenagia ngoro yaku. No ikiri mbeca ta gathia” You know people don’t look alike. What makes you happy is not what makes me happy. But she has money like ghasia). There there, I started to put face. Because I know Theuris and Akukus likes and they were saying this one them they cant touch, then her looks couldn’t be praised.

Small, she entered. She didn’t  first come to out table direct. She sat far as if she was borrowing permission to come seat with us.

Theuri asked her why she was sitting far.  She came and saided a person with manners does not jump on others, maybe we were in a meeting.

She was not as bad as I thought.  She had like25 earings on each ear, probably to signal her age to those who keep asking ladies how old they are and a nostril to deny her body  that it has reached the threashold.  From how she looked, when she was young, she looked like sun. She was a lightskin,  tall and was not denied thutha. But due to the effect of Guiness, she had grown stomach and all the things that comes with Guiness, including very excessive weight gain and talking as if you have power.

After introduction,  she asked for Guiness kubwa and coke. Before it was opened, she asked what we were drinking. Theuri telled  “Ino itagwo Caso . Ni njeru yumite tanganyika”  She looked at it and asked “Ati Keloshe?” an indication that she had her blonde moments too.  She was telled yes. She saided she also be given Kaso. Before her  Kasoraga was brought, she saided even us be given 3 3 each.

When she was telled I am a doctor, she became excited and telled me she will come see me at my clinic. When she tried to tell me I don’t know what,  about leg, what could be the problem,  I stopped her and telled her to see me at the clinic because that’s the only place we can talk in confidence.  At times, I google and get instant answers but here, my phone had died of fire.

In my head, I was saying even if I ukia how, degehota. But I played along as was advised.  

Small, I saided I wont take another dogogio because I was hungry. She asked us what we will take. Akuku saided we can put meat of boilo. I looked at him and telled him that I don’t like red meat.

She telled Akuku to go at the butchery and put the number of mwewes we will be able to full.

In my head, I was saying, she is feeling the way we men feel when we call those lightskins and they start beating themselves how they don’t eat this or that before returning to their hoods in Kayore and Huruma.

By the 8th caso, my opinion started to change.  Head started to think those nice things I was saying to her, I actually meant them and started to relay them to my josto. I even started to protect her from men who wanted to take advantage of her generosity. Even Theuri and Akuku, I was the one saying how many more they should be boughted. I even telled them to get someone who can be buying them dogogio and not my persons.
To cut the long story short,  my 11th beer was drinked in room. 

As I removed  clothes, I noticed that tree had stretched until knee. Though Castle lager is known to kill electricity, this one I refused to know. I removed all and lay on the bed, with zig zag coiling its way up until near ceiling.
She removed hers and went to wash tiita. When she returned, she almost fainted to see a zig zag. Although Theuri had telled her that I carry heavily, I seem to have surpassed her expectations. She then jumped on the zig and started to suck. Although I am not a fan even small of being sucked josto  this one sucked until I felt like to pour. She would suck, then remove and come to kiss me. I refused piu piu to kiss her. There is no way you gonna suck my josto then kiss me, coz that’s like I sucked my own josto. So that she does not feel bad, I telled her that my granpa left abuse saying no one in our family should kiss women.  She returned to josto and sucked to suck.  When I felt I will pour for real,  I lifted myself up and pushed her head away from josto. I  telled her she inserts me makobosto I climb her.

She refused and  telled me “Wee dagitari uka kahora. Come on my mouth”

I telled her no. I want to pour on tiita because that is the only way I can feel like I climbed. She saided I will pour on her tiita on my 2nd joti but for the first come, I must pour on her mouth.

I refused to know which devil I met until I  got lost in thoughts and refused to know several things. One, how could she, in her wildest imagination even dream that I can afford 2 jostis? I fail to afford 2 jostis for  lightskins, only her?  She didn’t know I am a one joti man. Unless I sleep until morning with a persons is the only time I can say I climbed two jostis,  the other one in the morning.

I refused piu piu. I picked makobosto and rolled it down on my zig.

Bossingly, she telled me, “Kuja doggie basi”

I obliged. Though it has never been my favourite.  Twaf twaff, the muviorie she was vioriaring threw me out within a few thrusts, falling on my back. Immediately,   she came on top, took mutree on her hand, pointed it on tiita, inserted small until all was in. Then, she started to vioria to vioria. A mvioririe I have never experienced before.

Within a few seconds, I poured I think biggest in many years. Even after pouring,  she didn’t stop to vioria.

I held her and telled her I have poured. She asked “Ati? I saided I poured, she  remove we relax small.

She telled me “ati kii? Hueze toa mbaka hata mimi nimwage. No nginya njite dagitari”

With that mviorire, I felt as if makobosto was coming out. I telled her “makobosto imetoka” She didn’t seem to listen or mind. I pushed her away and telled her to let me change makobosto then. She fell for the trick.

I went to bathroom, removed makobosto and bathed, washing josto even piu piu.

I threw eyes and saw her lay with legs  apart as if she was waiting for the climb of the year.

I was torn. I didn’t know what to do and returning to that bed was a big no. Under no circumstance could I afford another joti.  Even if what.

I tiptoed until bed. I telled her I need to buy redbull.

She asked me to remove money from her bag to go buy. I telled her I have. I returned clothes and when I removed from that room, the first thing I did was to switch off my phone.

Degehota ringi.

I am,
Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno.

Friday, May 29, 2015

The Fear of Getting Measured.

I have just come under the table. I had dried all my ribs completely.

I was being boughted lunch by Theuri when I telled him how a certain nurse has made my head go round round, I cant think of any other persons except her.  she has made me mad. all I am thinking is her.

He stopped picking meat of burnt and telled me.

Niurite? (Have you eaten)?

I saided not yet.

He saided

"Tu nurse ni utui we? (Do you know nurses you)

I saided no.

Tuu ni moto ya kuotea bari.  tukaga na latiri. Kau gagakwira kambe gaguthime. Hena kangi ndari nako mabatha i. we! icio ngariria ukuruine (Those are fire to bask from far. They come with measuring kit and insist to measure you. There is another one I had in Mombasa, we! I will talk when  I am old)

I stopped munching to listen well.

Kanjitire gwako mabatha ngithie nguite makobosto na mizinga iri ya Johny Walker, na nyama kiro imwe, na yaguithitio ni kani. (She called me to her house in Mombasa, I carried makobosto, one Johny walker and a Kg of meat that had been falled by a liver)

Twarikia kuria na tuanyua nyua, ngiambia gukanyita nyita. Gatiarehire mbara. No riria gokirie hanini, Ndonire gokira gagiuka na latiri. Ati tuithime. ndainainire nyee muti ukiigana wa kaaana. (When we finsihed eating, and drinked small, I started catching catching her small small. She didnt bring war, but when she ukiad , I saw her go get measuring kit. She telled me we get measured. I shook all bells until tree returned like of a baby. )

I asked him if he agreed to be measured.

In a loud voice until everyone who was 100 meters away could hear, he saided
"We nowitikire? ka ndina ngomaaa (Can you agree? kwani I have satan?)
I saided why not, only problem is you are being measured by your jangiri.

He continued

I niui ndamithaithire tuhaicane na condom ikiuga ona tutikuhaicanaga tutari, no no nginya ithime" (Do you know I begged her we climbana with makobosto. She telled me we were not even meant to climbana without. but we must get measured)
ndaraire nja ta rori. Yaumire bafu na gatauro ndokia ikorota ka latiri. Tuanyuire mzinga wa keri kinya igaturama to yari ona gatauro gakuhi na nyondo ciari nja, mabatha nirui maikara nui. Ngokia, ngonio ratiri. (I slept out like a lorry. She removed bathroom with only towel. When tree stretched, she would point the measuring kit.

Do you know we drinked even the second mzinga, she would stay bad, as she was only in a towel and all brookiers were out. When I'd see tiita, she saw I had ukiad, she would point at the kit again)

I was crying in laughter imagining the precarious situation then dried ribs piu piu he saided

"Nie njugaga, reke ngeriruo ndi wodi no ndingithimithia nie. Maraya iria ndite ni nyingi muno cia gutake chance" (Me, let them tell me when I will be in wald, cant take myself to be measured. The trappers that I have climbed are way too many to take chances)

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr Gyno. 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Remove I Remove

This weekend at Herisquare lounge, Ikenia Arts will be presenting a show called Ruta ndute (remove I remove). Its an adult show and its about removing thuruaris.

This has made me remember with pain an incident that happened last night. Its opposite of remove I remove.

There is this persons I met, who has eaten salt almost like me though she looks twedi one and has more stairs and trucks than me.

One time we were drinking dogogio and we started beating stories of adults, a topic I like so much. I singed my zig zag, beating drums for it on how it coils inside persons and beats all corners until tiita removes smoke.

She looked with vagina of her eyes at where my josto is located and in her head, she confirmed it is zig zag. She closed one eye on me and I closed mine for her. We exchanged contacts and started whatsapping and IMOing like daily until I borrowed things.

Yesterday, the date happened. She was to see one of her flats she was constructing in Kitengela and requested me to accompany her.

The thought of eating a rich made my heart beat to beat. You know I am used to eating MkUs who I flatten to that they will become rich once josto dangles made me refuse to know what lie to tell a rich. The thought of eating a persons who has eaten salt almost like me made me refuse to know. You know those who have eaten salt have very firm muscles. The many years the tiita has been pounded makes the muscles firm, they can press small and you will pour all that is in bells within 1 seconds.

When I got her at a parking slot in town, she telled me I come drive her. A 5.2 litter machine that drinks oil to drink. When driving it, I was driving with all my head out so that I am seen by as many persons who will think I drive a 5Lt machine and come with it on head this weekend.

It is this us, until Kitengela. After inspecting her flats in progress, we headed to ana small dogogio place of the rich.

As we were drinking, she touched zig and confirmed it stands coiled, not straight. Her bean started to beat beat until she almost poured on herself. Small, she could not tolerate anymore, she called called the waiter and telled him to do total. I was about to tell her equal equal when she removed card and paid all of it. She then telled me we go to room.

I tried to figure out where we get rooms of like 1500 which I could afford comfortably. She telled me to beat car fire until of Kinuthia Mbugua's in Utawala.

Since I was born, I have never been to that place. When we entered, head telled me that rooms dont go for 1500. We removed from car and headed straight to reception. I was walking behind her so that she does not get removed by devil and tell me to pay. She paid and we were directed to room.

It is this us, until room. Small, I rolled makobosto then inserted josto sloooowly. When all josto was in, she presed her tiita muscles and tree felt like it was being strangled. I removed half of zig and returned, removed and on returning again, I felt like bells had been putted pump to remove everything stored there. I then collapsed on top of her.

She asked me with alot of worry "Wanjohi ndukauge niwaita?" (Wanjohi dont say you have poured?)

I saided in very low voice "ndikuga" (I wont say)

I refused to know what to do to ukia again because as I have always telled you, I only climb one joti, unless I will sleep with the persons until morning. Otherwise, it cant stand even if what. Infact I hear men saying they climbed 3 jostis in a span of 1 hour and refuse to know, is it that they dont know how to count jotis or is it satan they have in their head that directs them to do such evils or is it that they dont have ambition in life that the only thing they think is to climb? Me once I pour, thats it. Who seeks fame that they climbed a persons 4 jostis? for what? I always refuse to know.

She breathed hard and waited for me maybe to wake up and finish her fire. In head, I knew that fire can only be finished by either cold water or her fingers.

After 5 minutes when strength returned, I removed from bed and went and bathed, then returned.

When I picked my trouser to dress up and go home, she rose from her lying position, sat on the bed and asked me

"Wanjohi niki ureka?" (What are you doing?)

I saided (Rucio ndi wira tene, reke nie nyumirie" (I am working early tomorrow, let me remove)

She saided "Mwathani, ati ki? nduri kundu urathie utahete tuna" (Ati what? there is no where you are going until you give me 4 jotis!)

Head refused to know, since I was born, my record stands at 3 and that was when I was young. Now, at my age, where will 4 jostis come from? even 2nd one, even if what, it cant even with medicine of ukambani.

I stopped dressing up and returned to bed, said a small prayer to return mukio. I sucked brookies, tried to put images of all persons I have ever wished to one day to even if only insert head, but where. I telled head to think it is Jahkey's brookies I was sucking so that tree can sprout again but where. I looked at her eyes and replaced them with Silver's but where. I putted images of those of TV but where until I gave up.

I cursed all those persons I was putting images of but were not helping in making tree stand. I refused to know how babish they are.

After 30 minutes of trying which appeared like eternity, I broke the bad news to her. I telled her I cant be able ukia again even if what. She asked me why. I telled her it is because I ate meat of burnt which burns all calories of standing.

She rose up and held her hands akimbo and asked me

"Wanjohi reke ngurie i, we na ti mbeca ndirenda hariwe, nduri kinduuu, nduri ona ki, nie ni muti ucio waku nyendaga arafu uremwo kunjika? ii?(Wanjohi, let me ask you, it is not money that I want from you, you dont have anything, it is that tree of yours, now you are unable to climb me?)

I thined myself and saided it is because her tiita was soo tight that it milked everything in the bells.

In bitter voice, she telled me

"Na mundu angikuona ugithie na fara no akuhe gitio muno na hatiri wira haha. Hatiri wira, bure tu. Mundu no one taui kuhaicana no wewe ni bure kabisa. Muthita ucio waku kafa urengwo uheo aria moi guikana (If one sees you walking on the road, they cant give you respect, but you are nothing. One can say you can climb but where. That josto should be cut off and be given to those who knows how to climb )

Let me tell you, for free, I was readed for over 1 hour. Since I was born, I have never been readed like that. She removed I failed to remove. None of my whatsapp messages have been returned and my 5 IMO calls went answered.

Now, if you can climb 4 jotis, call me I give you contacts. You will drive a 5 litter engine then thank me later.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gynae & COOJO (Climber of One Joti Only)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How I Climbed a Watchie

When a persons you are with drinks dogogio with no mathematics until morning, even refusing to know herself, then she disappear leaving your stretched until knee, as a man, you have several options.  You can pick trappers, you can use your hand (if you have Vaseline, experience and good memory to keep images of persons you have admired ), or you can say like what hare saided.. it was not ripe. In this case, say she had month. Climbing a washman is not among the options.

This is what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was not intending to beat you this story because no one go beating stories to people of how he climbed some cliques unless the level of kichuodho has reached an all time high where you say bad is bad.

Theuri and I were in Nyeri swinging. And we had persons. Let me not lie. And it was Theuri who was buying. And the persons I was with was brought to me by Theuri's persons.  Let me not lie because liers are of Satan.

On this particular day, I could not even wipe flies off myself. I had parad piu piu. I was being standed for by Theuri, from beer to dogogio of my persons to everything.

On this day, as usual, I was the one doing the talking talking and Theuri was doing the buying. As usual when I have parad, I talk much so that I can be kept quiet by a buyer of dogogio. As you know, if you are bought dogogio for, you must henceforth listen to what the buyer of dogogio is saying, lest dogogio pipe is cutted.

It did not take long before the persons realized that I was not buying even small. Even small!

 Small, she stopped listening to what I was saying, to calls I was making to my drivers to ask if they had parked all the trucks, which had been catched by police and kanju, which escaped way bridge overloaded etc.

When I saw things were getting out of hand, I smsed Theuri and telled him I don't have even what. He passed 3k under the table. I k was meant to be left on the table for the persons in the morning to buy milk and another one to stand for me so that I dont walk like that and another 1K to buy a round to appear like a man to the persons.

I ate Njaro small, meaning I did not ask for a round.

When it came to time to go to room, Theuri went with his persons upstairs. I telled her we go also.  She threw saliva out and losted in the crowd of that bar. I was left alone refusing to know.

I scanned around and approached several. They all wanted dogogio before we talk. I bought several to one until 1k finished and morning almost reached. When I telled her we go sleep, she saided she cant sleep in room. I either take her home or go to satan. I refused to know, tree coiled back and left for room alone, head telling me like that hare stories, maybe she had month that is why she has refused.

As I was talking the stairs, I met a soldier persons, if full regalia. Tall and well stunyad. under normal circumstances, I fear tall persons. Not fearing per se, they kinda intimidate me. I sometimes see as if they can spank me and tell me "grow tall boy, grow tall". In some other cases, I have found very tall persons to have tall thing as well. Maybe it becomes tall as well when one grown tall.  Its not typical though and dont quote me, but I have encountered one or two hence conclusion.

 I greeted her and she accepted.

I started a conversation about Nyeri and its people. She talked with authority just like normal police. Anyway, even soldiers are police, its only that they dont carry guns.

 I then asked her

"Guku ndugikaguo muno muno ni itonga cia guku? (si you get done much here by rich of Nyeri?)

She threw saliva out then folded face and replied "mmmm andu a nyiri makuhete ngiri monaga ta makugurira nyumba" (People of Nyeri if they give you a k they see like they have bought you a house)

There there, tree stretched until knee. I telled her in loud voice "Andu a nyiri matikoraguo kinduuuu. Ni mbeca matari (People of Nyeri don't have anything, it is money they dont have)

I telled her to give me a push until room. When she followed, it was an assurance that she had accepted to remove for the leader even without borrowing or buying even one dogogio.

I gave her room keys and telled her to open. She opened and went and sat straight on the bed. I went to latrine, urinated fear of being denied by a soldier. When I returned, she was lying facing up with all her regalia still on.

I tried to unbuckle the heavy belt but where. She telled me I need to go to Kiganjo for training to be able to. She rose and unbucled until she remained like she was born.

As I was inserting makobosto, I was praying that she turns different from some very very tall persons I had encountered before.

Twaff twaff, where. No thread even small. I putted image of the one who losted at the bar until I poured.

When she returned cloths, I reached for Ik from my trouser and handed her a K, knowing very well that that k had drunk water.

She looked at it badly then asked.. "haha noho ndiraruta fare?"  (Is this where I am supposed to remove fare?)

I turned on the other side of bed and asked her in loud voice "Guku kwanyu nyiri ii,  Ngiri ndifunjagwo? (here at yours Nyeri, you dont break one thousand notes?)

She left room beating mouth.

Tomorrow of that day, Theuri met me at the restaurant taking breakfast of room. I telled her how I climbed that persons her persons had thrown me until she removed smoke, only for that persons to appear at the restaurant with Theuri's persons. I concluded he climbed the two of them.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyna & CCTV

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Lifting Johnie Up Up Part 2

This is lifting majohnie up part two.

I am sure you must have forgotten this Lifting Majonnie up up story. I also had forgotten it had it not for Bountiful Safaris Safaris who are offering incredible Easter offers and among the destinations they have offers for, there are chances of meeting. Theuri and I have made an Easter booking one and I hope not to lift one up up ever again. (You can visit For more information)

To remind you small about this story, there was this persons who had refused to put it on head for me piu piu despite trying all tricks on earth. Buying dogogio until she refused to know herself but where. I was only now remaining to take her to Bishop Helicopter to have her name checked if its written in the book of life.
The other thing I had not done was to take her out of town. And like I have telled you before, there is one guaranteed way of making a persons put thuruari on head: take her out of town, far from where she can take a taxi home and as long as it’s a place she will have fun. Don’t take a persons to Ngarua where people refuse to know or Kimende. Talk to bountiful Safaris if the only place you know out of town is Warufaga gwa Kiongo.

After buying her that fridge of air on that Saturday morning to spice up the 180 angle, we set out on our journey until Nanyuki. Theuri, Akuku, mpesa and two other guys and persons for each of us.
It is this us, until Sportsman’s Arms where the most notable revelers are Majonnies.

For those who don’t know Majonnie, these are United Kingdom’s version of KDF.
As part of the training and to make them more badass, every year, The queen of England sends several thousand to harness their killer instinct in this beloved country. Once once, upon slightly provoked, they harness their killing instincts on poor bar patrons in this bar.

Where we satted upstairs, it is only us, our persons, trappers and waiters that were black, the rest were all majonnies and a few other Europeans who owns all land in Laikipia. Any other matafaka sits downstairs. Upstairs is usually reserved for Europeans, white landowners of Nanyuki, Majonnies, trappers and those who have death wish. We didn’t have any death wish, we just didn’t know. That’s why we sat upstairs.
Groups and groups of them were coming in, all sober and minding their business. As time went by and as dogogio ate them little by little, they started being unruly, calling every trapper in there and sometimes confusing our persons for trappers. Our persons would look them bad and throw saliva out, though in their hearts, they were wishing we weren’t there they get climbed by Majonnies and move to Europe when Majonnie returns. This was even confirmed when another Majonie song singed for them by an Oga lady was played by the DJ, coz all the persons we were with stooded up to sing along

“I’m looking for Majohnny Where is Majohnny? Jonny come jonny com”

But they were playing double standard because when Majonny stooded up to dance with them, they would sit down.

When their advances were rejected by the persons we were, they were refusing to know how persons were rejecting them.

So, when they would be reject, they would talk in English of nose which I don’t hear even small unless they type subtitles. The only few words I would hear was like “cock sucker” “bitch” “motherfucker” “cunt”
Theuri and I would abuse them back in the same measure.
Small, almost deliberately, one Johnie whose ancestors were Chineese based on his facial features falled on my drink and it all poured on table.

Refusing to know how he does that to a leader, I stood up and lifted him up up and dragged him down the stairs in full speed. He was only landing with toes.

When mid journey of dragging him, it is then that it occurred to me that I was dragging a queen’s army, a guy trained to fight ISIS for all his life and a good student of Bruce Lee.

Head returned to normal small and realized that I should not have even dreamed of lifting him up up in the first place. One of those moments you realize you have just made a very very wrong decision like JAP where either way, you are fucked. One foot is on the banana peel and one foot on the grave. You refuse to know if to continue with lifting Johnie up up and end up with broken ribs or you drop him and still end up with broken ribs. Either way, you are still fucked.

Head telled me to drop him and lost for my life. Looking back, two Jonnies were following running to rescue their colleague. On the other side, trappers of sportsman’s arms were cheering me as if what I was doing something that was going to earn me a gold medal.

Theuri and my group did not leave their seats. They continued to drink as if no Jonnie had been lifted up.
With the moral support I was getting from the trappers, I lifted him higher and dragged him until end of stairs.
When I dropped him, I started to count how many more seconds I had to live without broken ribs because that was imminent.

He remained still, not reacting even small as if he had not been liften up up. He appeared like he had refused to believe even in dream that a mere stomached man had lifted him up up without fearing to be broken all bones.

In his head, he was saying, if I know one jab would be enough to make me refuse to know myself piu piu. This was the first time ever a reveler had even dared to lift a Johnie up
When I saw he was about to start believing that indeed he had been lifted up, I removed my phone and pretended to make a call to police.

If there are anything Jonnies fears, it is Kenyan police. I hear if a complain is made against them, the case is taken over by their military police where they see news. There is nothing as feared in their barrack as military police. When they sin, they are telled in loud voice

“You puke, I’m gonna tear you a new asshole. Get on your knees scumbag”
None of them like the experience of military police.

So, I lifted phone and telled them

“I am calling the police. The OCPD is my friend, you will see what you have never seen”
When I saw the fear registered in their faces, I continued

“Do you know who I am? Do you know the Army commander is my brother!, he will personally come here. You will see and refuse to know niggas”

Their Jonnies colleagues came and begged for peace. They begged and begged and saided I be given 5 of what I was taking. We resolved the matter.

But the experience made me shook bells so much that I did not return upstairs immediately.
After fear was removed piu piu I returned until upstairs.

As time went by, they started to leave one by one until only a few remained. Among those that remained was the one I had lifted up

Small, the one I had lifted up up with two others started to abuse me but this time, I did not return even one abuse.

The confidence in him telled me he was no longer afraid of being telled “On yo knees puke” by their military police and he no longer feared my army commander brother. All he wanted was to break my few of my bones. I just bended my head as if nothing was happening, though I was shaking even pancrease. He was waiting for me to return so that I see what KDF of UK is made of.

Theuri in small voice telled me in ear

“Gaikie ngundi ya inioro aya angi maingirira naithui tuingirire” (throw him a jab on his nose, if others enters, we also enter)

I bended my head more.

He continued to call me a bitch etc and showing me middle finger almost inserting the finger on my nose. When I looked up small and saw his chineese features again, reminding me of Bruce Lee and Jackie chan’s skills, head telled me to even pretend I had slept on the table. Even if I am beaten slap, I assume I was not beaten. Another of them, not Chineese but a huge European with tattoos all over looked like a matafaka who can climb each of us kwa nyeni, drink all our beers and do so with a smile on his face.

He continued middle fingering salute, and twice, he literally inserted on my nose. I remained still like a rained chicken.

The trappers who were earlier giving me moral support now turned againt me and started to give Majonnie moral suport. One saided in loud voice
“I ndukumarumaga tene. Kai thaa ici utararia?” (You were abusing them before, why are you not talking now)

As the trappers taunted me and Jonie harassed me, I overheard one trapper say
“niui last weekend nimaroragire kairetu na gutiri kundu matwariruo” (Last weekend they killed a trapper here and they were taken nowhere).

There there, one of my bells returned to stomach and josto shrunk and returned same size as it was when I was 5 years old.

One by one, Theuri and all others losted until room, leaving me and my persons.
All this while, I remained with my head bowed down like a rained chicken for fear if I looked at them, their killer instincts would be activated.

When all Johnies and any other white element in that hotel left, I got up and saided in loud but shaking voice “Ita kamundu kau wone uria ngugeka. Niui tugithomera black belt, tweriruo ndukanahure mundu mureu. No iu ni matuika too much” (Where is that boy you see what I will do to him. When I was being taught black belt, we were telled not to beat a drunk, but that biy is too much)

My persons telled me not to fight. Until room.

When we reached room, even after seeing shaved tiita and legs putted at 180, tree behaved as if it does not know what tiita is, leave alone shaved tiita.

When she saw I was not responding in jumping on her like I had promised to make her feel it until throat, she stretched hand to touch touch zig that I had been singing to her about, a zig that stretches until she feels it at throat.

On touching, she returned hand soo fast as if she had touched something that bited her.

I refused to know why. I stretched hand to also feel what was bitting near my josto.

It is a soo small josto she had felt that she refused to know what that was. Again, she had only felt one bell as one bell had returned to stomach and refused to come out.

After the trauma was over, she returned hand and played with it to make it wake up but where. In her head, she new she will feel as if air was entering because of its small size but since a fridge had been bought, she had to contend with the content.

After unsuccessfully trying to wake it up, she decided to down to try to wake up the smallest josto she had ever come across by teasing teasing with mounth but where.

After another unsuccessful attempt, she decided to suck the one bell that had not returned to stomach so that josto can wake up but where.

She gave up and started consoling me now.

She telled me that even her former boyfriend had a small josto, though twice than mine and had problem ukiaring like me. One day, she took him to a certain man of cloth and after they planted seed, the josto added a few inches and ukiaring stopped being a problem.

Small, because men have no doer of good, when his problem of ukiaring finished, his zip remained down. He climbed anything that had hole until she decided to leave him.

She telled me that she can refer me to that man of cloth with good heart, if I want to lost, I lost, she had helped a creature of the lord. She telled me she can even give me his no I mpesa and he prays for me remotely.

I telled her that we will send tomorrow of that day. Small, I felled asleep.

In the morning, I woke up to find her touching touching the bell that had not returned to stomach. I don’t now what sorcery she was doing or if she was refusing to know how comes one can have one bell and josto size of a small finger and still dare to take a persons all the way to Nanyuki and beat chest of how she will feel josto until throat.

When she saw I had woken up small, she telled herself to go down again and suck the small josto so that she can say atleast she sucked, fridge has been repaid well in kind.

Small, I saw a persons thrown until wall. When my head registered that I was with this persons I had tried to climb for years, josto sprung up with full force on her mouth, pushing her in full force until wall.
She force was soo enormous that she even fainted.

I did first aid on her for several things. First for trauma of being thrown on wall and 2nd, the trauma of seeing a small josto turn into mighty zig zag that stretched until ceiling without the assistance of the man of cloth and three, trauma of seeing a one belled man grow another bell instantly, she removed from the comma.
I then made her put legs at 180 and since she was born, she had never experienced a man that lasted that long. She poured 3 times before I poured my first. But this is what was happening. When I was about to pour, the ghost of Johnie I had lifted up up would show up and pours would return to stomach.

As we removed from Nanyuki, she had had enough climbing to last her 6 months without wanting any josto again.

A day later, when she realized the fridge was air. She went to Safaricom and bought a those sms package worth a million bob or more. She then sent me 100 sms per second, all of abuses. And she was a real exorcist because even after blocking her, her smses were coming. Or maybe Safaricom were aiding her due to the huge business she had given them.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyno & CCTV.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

How I Ended Up With Leah Like Jacob

Long time ago, when the Earth was still young, there was a dude called Jacob, the bro to Esau. You need to have read bible to know about this story but in short,  he was once  swinging around Israel when he saw a sunlike persons. She was named Rachel. His tree stretched until knee.  He went until Rachels parents and negotiated a very horrible contract where he was to work for 7 years without pay in order to get a chance to dangle on Rachels. The father agreed. Rachel had a sister, quite Orangutan until no man in that whole village would want to dangle on hers.

After Jacob serving Laban for 7 matafaking years, he was called aside by Laban and telled that he can now ake the bride.

Excited that he was going to dangle, he invited all his friends to come party. I am not sure if this happened but I guess fed on dogogio until he refused to now himself.  He was then led to room by Laban. He touched and felt persons in the bed making his tree stretched until knee. He touched brookie of the ‘Rachel’ climbed her until morning emptying his bells piu piu.

When morning came, he turned over only to see he had climbed Leah instead of Rachel. He refused to know.

This is exactly what happened to me a while back, thanks to Theuri the Laban.

On this day, I called another Cambodian sun who had been promising to put thuruari on head for me as long as dogogio will come to come. I telled her to come with a friend who was ready her bean made tired without making life hard for the borrower.

And as usual, as you may have observed, majority of sunlike persons walks with persons who have beaten piu piu. It is imposible to find one sun with another sun. That’s 8th wonder of the world.

This particular one looked like she had employed a well eaten bouncer to be beating her one jab on the face every morning. She had two or three front teeth missing and the remaining were brown piu piu.  Her eyes too were exactly like that of Leah the daughter of Laban and had her eyebrows drawn to extend until ears, she drinks Tusker and talks in a heavy Kitui accent.  In short, she was reincarnation of Leah. But she had body of model and thutha of Sidika. But as you know, thutha and figures are kachumbari. Cute face is the meat. You cant go to a butchery and say you have come to eat Kachumbari 1kg.

When they entered, Theuri telled me in ear “uria wi muoyo njira ino tinie ndareheruo? (that one who is alive tell me this one its not what she has brought me)

I telled him to relax we buy her dogogio then she go.

Small, Theuri telled me in ear

“Munene reke nguire, niwona mahiki maya machapu. Me murigo utahana. Nie ndiui uria guthiaga na reke nguire, me murigo mutight mutight! ta ngoma (Leader, let me tell you. These persons that have beaten, let me tell you, they have a tiita that you refuse to know. I don’t know how it goes, but their tiita you cant find it anywhere. Very tight like satan”

I started getting happy because head telled me Theuri has accepted to climb her.

He beated and beated drums for persons who have beated until I was almost starting to hate sunlike persons.

We continued to drink, beating stories here and there. Small, I saw my persons start to take some interest on Theuri because of the phone calls he was making.

I started to listen to the calls and followed the conversation.

“Wakahare, wimmuega huaine? mbathii niupakire? Niwaihuria maguta? Niwarora kana spare ina miruki to hau niho muriganagiruo muno? (wakahare, have you parked the bus? Have you filled it with oil? Have you checked  whether the spare leg has air because that is where you forget more?)

He cutted that one and made another call. From far, I could see he was dailing Akuku's No. He then putted phone on speakerphone mode then started talking while papasaring his stomach with one hand like rich.

Theuri: Haroo.

Akuku: Muneneeeeee! (Biggie!!)  (sounding drunk and in a bar)

Theuri: Nyukwaa. Ni kunyua uranyua mbeca  iria mwatinda mukinjia ? (Mother! Is it drinking you are drinking money you have stayed stealing from me?)

Akuku: (Now realizing Theuri is inserting someone box says) Pole munene, ino nikuguriruo ndaguriruo  (this one I was bought)

Theuri: Mbathi niupakire ?(Did you park the bus?)

Akuku: Umuthi tuthukumite muno munene, no forithi na kanjoo irathumbura muno(we have made a lot of money today but police and kanju are disturbing much)

Theuri:  Nindamuheire budget ya kanju na forithi. Ta njira atiri, to maguta nimaguire I, nikii mbathi icio ciakwa iraihura ona thogora uria wa tene(I gave you budget of kanjo and police. Now, tell me, because oil has falled, why is it that they are still being filled with the same money as before)

Akuku: Aca munene, riu turasave ngiri inya o muthenya (No leader, we are saving 4k daily)

Theuri cutted phone. He made 3 other such calls to people who can make deal and asked about his buses.

He then cutted and saided in loud voice

“niwamenya mbathi nicio ithumburaga. Koruo marori nimathumburaga ingiahura thimu kinya kiroko. (You know buses gives me headache unlike my trucks. If they were, I could make calls until tomorrow)

There there, I saw my persons was only wanting to hear Theuri. But in my head, I didn’t imagin that she could be stolen on day one. Head was telling me that maybe tomorrow of that day, she will be invited when I am not there and come nayu nayu.

He then picked phone again

 “Wewe!, urihama? Ulipaka nyumba yangu rangi ama nijipakie tukate kwa deposit? Deposit utarudishio kama utapaka rangi. Ee? sawa kama umepaka. But razima nikuje nikague kama umeharibu, nitakuja next week. Wacha kusema tafadhari. Kata simu na sipendagi tenant kunipigia simu usiku” (He even forgoted that he was the one who had made the call)

He made several until I stopped following.

Dogogio came to came until I refused to know myself piu piu until I dozzed off as usual.. They continued to drink.

Small, I was woken up to go to room. I was not knowing myself even small.

I held my persons hand and left for room.

To cut to the chase

Inside the room.

It is me, pointing zig.

The moment tree touched lips, she started

Woiyyeyeye mamee woiyee eee mameeeee

I refused to know she is saying mbus yet it is only head that had entered.

When it was all in, still saying those mbus of upus, she lifted one leg and rested her gatende on mukuruguthu of leader where ordinarily when we were monkeys, where tail used to remove from.

Twaff twaff ooh, her mbus became louder and louder.

As her mbus became louder and playing her hands all over me my body, armpits, nipples, inserting finders in my ears all at the same time I refused to know if there was an extra persons hidden under the bed (same style wagangas from Tanga hide people under the bed to talk as wangwana) one papasaring the body and the other one closing ears. Only a Cambodian with special juju powers can achieve that feat.

She contined saying mbus

“uui bambbbeee aaaaa sitawai kuwaayaaa ayi mbaby I love you.. ndeeper, ndeeper mbembii mbabeeeeee sitawai kuwayaa aki sita wai, ingisa kavisa! ing’isa kavisa yote yote”

I understand Kamba perfectly well, so I knew what she was saying.

She then stopped saying mbus and swinging and asked me

“utawai niaya?”

I refused to know.

Among the things I fear in life, it is hot uji, Mukanju and Kitui Cambodian. I have serious fears for those. I have been made to believe that they can plant kamuti on you until you will transfer all your wealth to them and leave yourself with nothing.

She asked again in louder voice “mbambi utawai niayaa?”

Here, head was telling me that I was about to unknowingly swear unbreakable allegiance  to her so that I can transfer my trucks and stairs to her, or worse,  satan had been looking for an opportunity to inscribe 999 on my forehead and here, he had found a perfect opportunity.

When I refused to answer, the matapaka removed the leg that had been stationed at where tail used to be and straightened the other one as if to tell you, wake me up when you are done.

I gave in. In small voice, I saded “apana, sitawai” But in heart, I knew I will not pick her calls again.

“akia Wanjoi  nikuni en yoe? sema akianani" She asked.

Akia nani” I replied.

 There there, she returned leg on my tail and the other one bended in a way to make her swinging faster and perfect. In my head, I concluded that when Satan will come to insert 999 on people’s  forehead, he will not secretly insert chips as many speculate. He will not use PINs or anything complicated for that matter and he will not do it secretly. He will time when you have just inserted josto on a Cambodian persons then stops you small to ask if you want 999 or josto be removed. In that way, he will not get one refuser.

Twaff twaff, small, I poured and collapsed on top of her.

She asked me “kwani ni alaka aye? Atsi, mimi siyatoza”

She pushed me away from her top, removed from bed, went to latrine, cutted a tissue, came, removed makobosto and putted me another one.

She then lay and telled me to come on top so that she can finish also.

Tree had not fully remove air so before it hohad,  I inserted again and started pumping again, though very very bored.

Small, she was like "nakuya! nakuya! nimekuyaaa!"

I removed josto and fell asleep immediately.

 Small, I was woken by women of sheets knocking the door. You know the way they knock as if they are trying to flush out an ISIS ouf of the room

“wewe ! Customer customer toa machuka! customer customer hauskii? Ebu turuchie cheets”

I felt myself and tried to open eyes. On my chest, there was a hand of persons rested there. I turned small and the first thing I noticed was mapengod persons. I refused to know how she lost some teeths overnight coz last night she had all. I refused to know how she has become black and she was yellow yellow last night. I  refused to know how  her other teeth changed to brown overnight.

She then saided “mbembi umeamka. Uko sawa, wewe ni ndume aki. Unayua kupanya kasi kabisa. Nayua unataka kayoti ya hasuvui?

Head refused to know, last night, she was speaking without accent, now she has gained accent.

I turned aside to try to comprehend when she saided

Mbambee, na yana ulini pulomis utanivea elvu tano na ulisema via ati utanivea vrat moya nilipishange. Siyai ona mwanaume wa nguvu kama wewe.

I sat down and hoped what i am seeing is not true.  “Leah” lay  besides me

I refused to know how it happened and suspected it is Theuri the Laban that insert me box.

I removed from room in speed and called Theuri.

“We itina riri niatia urekire mani? Kai kurathire atia? (you ass, What did you do man? How did it go?”

He returned “Urandeheire mori chapu uguo arafu iranyua tusker kai ndi muguruki? mimi ni mguruki? (You brought calf that has beated that even drinks tusker, am I mad?”

He then telled me that I am the one who saided I want that one until my persons was offended and decided to give theuri all holes because of anger.

I quit dogogio until the following day.

ION Kikuyu adults plays are back. Ikenia Arts​ starting  month.

 I am,

Dagitari Onjohi

Saturday, December 20, 2014

The Other Side of Tranport Business

I have never telled you why Theuri removed from transport business. That is the reason Theuri faints faints and wakes up tommorow of that day if you mention trucks business. The memory of that business is soo bitter, he faints again if he remembers after waking up that he had remembered about his truck.

Theuri had a several million loan from NIC to buy a tifa from TATA motors. When he was buying, he had been made to believe that daily, it will be inserting a profit of 30k after removing all things. So, paying 250k a month did not, in his wildest dream, seem to be a problem. In his head, he had calculated that to he was to be remained by over 600K a month after paying loan on a bad month.

He did mathematics and saided he will build a flat in every estate in Nairobi and keep one trapper in each, meaning daily, he will be pouring at will.

To cut the story short, he did not smell any profit to close to that. But it was making money small small in then middle of many troubles of police, kanju and others whose lives depends solely on the owners of trucks.

One day, the loan had pressed him too much. It was almost due date and he didnt have even what. God came through in the hour of need; he was given contract of supplying stones, from a quarry in Syokimau inside inside until various places.

Everyday, it was making 25k without lacking until he started to talk bad that how people with many trucks but always sing trouble. It is me he was backbitting. Satan as you know is another one.

One day, we were at Magomano eating meat of dipping when a call came through. Looking, it was a driver of his truck. In his head, he knew something must have gone wrong somewhere as usual because drivers dont call the owner to tell him how they have made money. It is only to sing trouble.

When he picked the driver saided

"Munene, hena gathina. Rori ni ya tiruka guku kwale, ona yuma hakuki kugua kware ine irima thiini,. Riu inyitituo nda ndingigucio no nginya yoyuo na kirini" (Big, there is a small trouble. The lorry has slipped small almost falling in quarry. It cant be pulled by other trucks because it is catched in the stomach, only a crane can remove it, it lifts it up and return it on road"

There there, we started looking for a crane to lift it up. All cranes he call, they say they charge 8k an hour, and they must be paid 2 hours of coming and 2 hours of returning. This excludes the hours it will take to recover. This means you also pay it when its on road to recover the truck. It starts your work when it beats engine fire from the owners place.

I happened to know a person that knew a Shineese that had a crane. I was given the Shineese no. I called him and telled him what I wanted. he telled me.

"Me recover at 25k."

I telled him 20. He saided "nooooo, 25 k last last. 25 good laaa. ok? "

I telled Theuri that he has asked 30k to recover and does not count hours of the road. Theuri saided ok.

I went outside and telled him

'Charge 30k, you give me 5. Deal la?

He agreed. But before he could start the engine of his crane, he wanted a deposit of 20k sent to him. Theuri sent to him by MPESA.

The crane went and lifted the lorry up high. Then the unthinkable happened.

We were still drinking at Magomano. The drivers call came. Theuri telled u that he knows it has been recovered, it is balance they want of 10k but wont send today.

Driver: "Munene, guathuka o rimue! Dagika ya 90" (Big, it has become bad at once. 90th minute"

He asked what happened as he shook all bells.

The driver saided

"Mushina ndagiuka oherera kirini, oya rori iguru piu niguo amicokie fara o ta mutugo. O rimue, tuaigua twafff... kirini yatuika. Reke nguire, rori yaikuruka buga buga,kinya kware thiini. Kiromita ta thate. Kuu no mahoya mangimiruta" (The chineese guy came and folded his crane on the lorry. He lifted it up hi so that he return it to the road. Small, we heard twaff. The crane had cutted, the lorry went down down the quarry like 30 kilometers deep. I think the only thing that can remove it from that far now is prayers"

He fained. When he woke up, he asked the driver where is Chineese he abuse him and make him pay for damages.

The driver saided "Riria ona kirini yake yatuika na kuria rori yaku yagua, no itinga riake arurumia na athie" (When he saw his crane cut, and the far your lorry has falled, he just beated his truck engine and left"

There there, Theuri kept quiet for like one hour while gazing at me.

He then saided

"No ngumenyaga Wanjohi niukunyarira. No ngumenyaga tu. We niwe urehire mushina ucio. Riu nderuo kirini yake handu ha kuruta rori irima, nikumiikia ya miikia. kwanja akiendaga. We riria uthire kwariria nja, uma kwira mushina waku amiikie fiu. Niwakinina niwakena. Gatuni ona kibau ndigatumiire na nigathie' (I knew Wanjohi you will destroy me. I knew piu piu. You are the one that brought that Chineese. I have been told that instead of recovering my truck, he lifted it up and threw it inside quary deliberately. I think when you went to talk outside, you went to tell your Chinese guy to fall my lorry instead of recovering it. You have finished me and I kow you are now happy. The fucker has left and I had paid him 20k)

I removed phone and called the Shineese guy.

"What have you done my friend?"

Shineese "Ching hong ku ho"

Me: What are you saying? what happened la?"

Shineese: "chong ku shi h a. Me no know english la. Talk shina la cho chi hung!"

Me: what? I call police la?

Shineese "chong hu ko. no english now. talk shinese la"

So, after the business destroyed, he forgotted English even small. Before, he was talking and hearing English, now he doesn't.

We went until quarry and saw the damage. The lorry was down and looked like it scrap metal material even from far.

Theuri saided we go back. For one week, he did not go to recover until the owner of the quarry saided that he will recover it and throw it away because it was obstructing his work.

He looked for another crane and it was recovered. It had been destroyed piu. Even the mechanics advised him to buy another truck instead of even thinking of repairing that.

He measured it at those scrap metal.

Business is hard. Transport business is like marrying a trapper. You never know peace even small.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno