Wednesday, June 8, 2016

My Visit to a Mganga from Tanga

In my last story of giant, I told you that I was determined to find a solution to lasting longer than 9 secs (Mrs Mbugua's encounter was 5 secs) and climbing above 3 jotis. After having failed to get a generator from Mchingchong, my next search for a good solution was at "Mganga wa Tanga".

I was swinging bells in Ngara when I found one of those mnganga posters. Among the million solutions listed, was "Nguvu sa kiume". I called the number and the mganga responded. He directed me to his base, behind Family bank ngara. He telled me to take the route that removes you to Kariokor and in 50 miters, I beat corner, beat again until bra bras and when I reach there, I call him he will pick me.

I asked how much was the cost. He saided its free but might need to appease the ancestors with anything I wished. I asked how much they like. He saided even 500 bob.

Although those are the kind of people I would shake bells meeting, my determination to cross from River road to Nairobi of up made me go to those miles. Again, this is not a place you would want anyone to know that you have ever visited. So, I bought a cap to hide face just incase someone saw me entering at mgangas. It is me until near that building he directed me to and called him.

A smartly dressed young man of like 25 years appeared and asked if was the one calling. I saided yes. He telled me to follow him until a shanty behind that building. In my head, I had an image of mganga registered as old shaggy thing wazees based on thos Oga movies/ So, I filled for myself that that must be the nganga's errand boy.

Inside two roomed mabati shanty, I was given a seat and the boy walked out. In the other room, I could hear song called my brother by Demathew playing. I refused to know how mganga of Tanga loves Kikuyu songs. Head telled me that maybe the other room was of another tenant.
He returned and asked me to go buy a chicken for sacrifice and on my way back, I pick 3 stones. I asked where. He telled me near the road. I telled him or he go buy I give him the cash. He saided ok, I give him 600 bob.

When he returned with the chicken, he telled me for stones, I must pick myself.

Outside the 'shrine' is those garage. I removed out and prayed that let no one who knows me sees me there.
As I was okotaring stones, with vagina of my eyes, I could see those mechanics looking at me with mercy. In their head, filling for themselves that I have gone to be made rich and feeling mercy for me because if it was true the wangangas make people rich, they would be the first to be rich.

I returned at the "shine" waiting for mganga. The same boy who picked me sat on the carpet and telled me to remove shoes and sit as well, legs folded. He was the mnganga. Between me and him, there4 were assorted paraphernalia and a pot that can cook githeri of 10 people.

He asked me for my name. I had heard that you dont need to tell mganga of Tanga your name, he will know through his powers. so, I refused to know, if the guy was to give me supernatural powers of making me climb plus 3 jotis and lasting as long as I want, why does he not use the powers to know my name. I saided I test his satan and know if he will know if i lied. I telled him I am called Kabia Mwaniki. He telled me to throw something for wangwana on the mat so that we could begin the ritual. I threw 500 bob.

He took the chicken and in a split of a sec, he removed its head and as it struggled to die, she saided a few words to praise wangwana.

He then asked me what I would like the ancestors do for me. Head telled me that instead of asking to be made to climb 3 jotis in order to please Mrs Mbugua of Faiba  my could be sponsor, I saided let me ask for riches myself. I telled him I want to be rich.

He took those his paraphernalia and started to summon Wangwana. " Punjab Waititum murkha che!!. Tame chokaro mbai omchanti che bai, ke je grahaka seva apava jai mumbai calkata bhai" and such stuff

Small, the house was shaking, its like people were beating that shanty from outside. He telled me that thats how wangwana enters when they leave the indian ocean.

Small, the wangwana started to talk inside the pot. Although I had some doubt s about the mganga boy, I started to believe he was a true mganga. He had earlier telled me that he was left power of uganga by his father who died years back. I was scared like hell. "Kabia Mwaniki, utatupatia niniii iri tukupatie utajiri. sisi kama wangwana twataka Ngome mbiri, moja ya rangi wa bleki, ingine ya kijano kibishi, kuku mia moja, mbusi saba, na shillingi elfu thalathini. Oya, sisi ni wangwana kutoka bahali ya hinduuu"

The mganga telled me to respond. The accent to wangwanas was refusing to inginana. They were struggling to talk like Swahilis. In my head, I saided maybe they were tring to talk in simple simple swahili so that I could also catch. I saided ok. I regretted why I had lied my name because even wangwanas were now calling me a name that was not mine.

The wangwanas asked me when I will deliver. I saided I go arrange myself. The Mganga wa Tanga telled me I give a date because they are usually very busy and summoning them from the sea is not easy.
After they were released to gho back to the "sea", mganga wrote me a note with all the requirements and telled me if I cant be able to find those things, wangwanas can take 200k in cash. He asked me to go even if it is to sell one of my shops or my car, or even land because I will buy many more after selling.

In the evening, as we were drinking dogogio at Land Mawe and drawing where to get 200k, Theuri looked at a guy and saided , nimuona kamundu karia gaikaire haria, mutigakarore thaa ici, karorei na njaro arafu ningumuira uhoro wako" (Yiou see that dude over there, dont look now, I will tell you something about him)
On looking at him, I remembered it is the mganga from Tanga. I refused to know if Theuri knows the guy and if he was also in the process of becoming rich of the surrounding. But I refused to know how he refers to him as kamundu.

One everyone finished satisfying him eyes, he saided "kamundu kairia Getaguo Kimani, nitumiganga turia fake. Kariaga atima ene ata mani. Kandikituo ni muhindi tene gakimenyea kihindi, riu karageria ateja ako a uganga kihindi makaingira box ta ngoma. Gwako kuriaguo nguku daily alafu niga supply kanene ka nguku iria karehagiruo ni wateja ako. (He is called Kimani and he is a fake mganga. He climbs PMs of owners like lack of importance. He was once employed as one of those Indian shops and in his little stay, he learnt Indian . He inserts his clients of Uganga box by talking Indian. He eats chicken daily and he also supplies many establishments with chiken he receives from client of uganga.)

He then telled us how he places a pot connected to a pipe that extends to the other room. The wangwanas are guys in another room that talk through the pipe. The voice then removes on the pot and people think it is wanganga. I stated to fill for myself the Demathew's song I was hearing.
To muffle the sound from the other room, the wangwanas comes like a thunder and violently. Thats explains the beating of the wall of that shrine.

I did not tell him I had gone. I timed when the mganga boy was going to the latrine and followed him. I tapped him on his back and telled him that my name is Onjohi and I am very bad and if he values peace, he returns 1100. He quietly gave me 1100 and when we returned to the table, asked for a round on our table. We then  laughed and laughed and laughed.

This looking for solutioni of my pouring in 9 seconds will show me news.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

My Limitation to Getting A Sponsor

I have been away from this village for a  couple of days for a reason. I have been busy searching for a solution to lasting more than 9 secs and at least afford 3 jotis. This is after I am loosing a potential sponsor who was about to make me cross from River road (where I drink the new Tusker Gold which you only need money for 5 dogogios and you refuse to know yourself) to Nairobi of up where I would be drinking colonialistic dogogios like Heinekenn and at worst Tusker Light just because of giving her proper beating of mtree. I have searched for all sorts of solutions, including googlging if Mushaina of  Alibaba has a generator which one can be putting on  hips to make my josto move like sewing machine and lately, responded to those Mganga of Tanga posters that purports to offer solutions to all problems on earth including making your cow not throw a kick when milking it untied. I will beat you a story of my visit to Mganga of Tanga in my next story of giant.

For reasons I cant explain, I have of late been falling for persons who have eaten salt properly and coincidentally, who have things to make me become a sponsored. Earlier in the month, I almost falled for another sponsor but satan who came in form of the new Tusker Gold Olympic destroyed that plan. That beer and mashefefus are brothers.

I met this one potential sponsor when I had gone to install CCTV Cameras for her.  After I got paid (always avoid side businesses until you get paid fully or it will drink water), we started whatsapanaring. She telled me how she had falled for me until she almost sent me her Micheline tires nudes.  As you know, satan has never build even for one day.  One evening when I had been eaten by Tusker Gold piu piu, satan advised me to call her. According to my call records, we talked for exactly 25 minutes. Not sure what we talked about for hell half an hour. But from following day, I found her photo missing on whatsapp. My messages were not getting two ticks. Calling her, so uncharacteristic of her,  she would cut the phone on second cry. Head filled for itself that it must be about the stuff I telled her when I was dogogiod bad.

In the course of doing  CCTV, I meet people who have things. Thats how I met this other potential sponsor. To be fair, she has eaten her fair share of salt. The kind I couldn't imagine ukiaring for them even small before Theuri talked to me in private and telled me that even bad water can extinguish fire. He lectured me that these persons who have drinked salt are mtight mtight that the moment I will taste one, I will not stop and will be throwing saliva out any time I see a MKUs persons. The only salted persons I should never touch, according to Theuris advise is the one without money. If she is oiled, oil her too, and properly.

My first encounter with her was at Maxland Waiyaki way where she had called me to go collect my balance after mafundis finished work.

After meat of burnt, she telled me I  go to her car which was parked near the entrance and remove my balance from her bag placed in the front seat. I refused to know how she carried a man like me, with stomach and bald head to go to her car like a boy. But as old adage saides, customer is always right.

On opening the bag, I was met by  several bundles of browns. Several hundreds of thousands. When in such a situation, satan comes from hell very fast and throws ideas at you. Satan telled me to help myself with all of it. I telled satan that that was a bad idea he goes to hell. Satan then telled me that if that was hard, to remove a k from each bundle, she will think it is bank tellers that stole from her. I refused to agree with satan, counted my balance and returned to the bar.

On returning to the table, she asked me if I only took balance. I saided yes. She saided she should add me of petrol. I refused to know which petrol and I had climbed those Kangemi matatus until there. Head telled me that if she waits to see my car, I will just call Uber and say thats my driver. Thinking she was to send me again to add myself of petrol,  she went to the car herself. Head telled me that she had gone to check how if I had stolen.

She returned and added me 5 K. She then asked me to drink two. When there is such a windfall, satan cannot allow me to have peace even when dogogio is flowing for free, he makes my mind beat of yellow yellows I have been hiding white  from when I didnt have even what. I refused her offer of free dogogio and instead, headed to Umoja  3 where I have discovered there lives several suns who dont mind to come where you are by nduthi (And they dont tell you to send money of nduthi, they will use their means. They have atleast 4 nduthi guys who drop them at rendezvous on credit until they will fall for a deal, mostly when they have puttted rice on someone). But good thing, they cant 'rice' you if you get them at their hoods. Most of them are what Theuri prefers, extremely malnourished. Refusing to know why his choice is always malnourished, he explains that there is no goat that has a thin liver. Mburi ndihinjaga ini.

Following day, Theuri, mpesa, Akuku and myself were drinking at a pub before Jambo when she called.Previously, we had whatsapanad severally, and in 18, I could see she wanted to feel zig zag in the stomach. I directed her how to come to crime infested Thika road.

If you have seen advert of Mbugua of Fiber's PM, thats must be who they got inspiration from.
Not like any typical Ukuyu PMs. Although she was well like 2 years past half a century, she looked good mfupa tapable even if one was not to benefit wallet wise. She didnt appear to have a pot, she was well endowed on her future and legs are of elephant. The only minus thing about her was her association with congoleese persons or those River road mamas near KCB Bank that sell skin whitening creams. When she was born, she was black. Later in life, she discovered a congoleese friend or those River Rd mamas and destroyed her skin color.

I had not telled the crew about my last night's encounter when I met them at umoja 3 hunting suns the previous day where I was not buying like a person who had been given free  5K  .

I returned and beat them story of how I was given 5K of fuel by Mrs Mbugua of Faiba. I was fined to pay meat of burnt alone for keeping quiet about that. I then telled them that she was on her way to buy me one.

Because I didnt know how they would react by seeing with a 50 year old Mrs Mbugua, I telled them that she was there to give me more biashara. Theuri looked at me and said "We tiga u Kabia mwaniki, ndugete cucu itaragura njohi. Na akorwo ena mbeca na ndurenda kumuhaica, mwaga mtama kwa kuku wengi tuonane nake unyo kwa unyo" (You leave u Rat Mwaniki, dont call a cucu that does not buy dogogio. And if she has things and you dont want, throw her to us)

I saided she was there to see me and if she buys or not, it should not bother them. He continued, "Wanjohi ahana neibor ungi waguito gishagi, kuhingiriria rui rwagerete kwao, ati ariithie thamaki, ithui twi naguku muhuro gutiri mai makinyaga, mboga citu ikoma. Kumbe ona ariithagia thambara eciretie ni thamaki" (Dont be like a neibor in shags who closed river so that he could real fish. We that were downstream did not get water of river, so our mbogas dried. Later, we discovered what he had was not fish but frogs. Frogs and fish look same same when they are babies)

Small, she was there. She was in a free flow dress that almost touched ground that removed her curved figure very well but denied the crew the view of her elephant legs. Every finger of her had gold rings,  and  a gold necklace.

Before she even finished sitting down, the waiter was there. She saided we be given two two. I was drinking Tusker Gold 5.0, the one eating people to eat. On hearing that, I telled waiter to change and give me Tusker light. since I was born, I have never bought myself tusker light. I only drink it when I go to a "on the house" stuff or a very very rich person is buying.

She asked if we have eaten. We had eaten an hour before. I was about to shout we have when Theuri telled me in ear, "Kanua kau gaku niko gatumaga coguo amunyuo magego ni gukaguo" (that your big mouth is the one that made your grandma be removed teeth by your grandpa.

Theuri saided we havent. She asked if she can put  boilo or choma. Theuri saided that we put something white because these red stuff are becoming dangerous. The only red you should eat is the one you have personally slaughtered. 2 Chickens of kineyeji were putted on fire.

On her third round, she looked at the bill and counted with head. She then gave me 20k and told me it is of to pay bill. She said I be asking for dogogio with that money. One every round that was coming, she was however checking every addition on the bill like someone used to be stolen by waiters.

When she was leaving for latrine, she telled me in ear "urore bag iyo wega, ina ngiri magana matatu" (Look after that bag, it has 300k). As she left for latrine, I started to ask myself if there was anyting wrong with me to have Mrs Mbugua want my tree. I didnt have braided hair or rasta, instead i was bald headed, I didnt speak English of Nairobi of up, I wasnt thin. The only thing i knew I had to attract such was a zig zag. and She hadnt seen it even from far. It perplexed me. Maybe its my striking resemblance to Mbugua who had of late become very busy building Faiba flats in Mombasa (and eating food) until he had not time for her anymore that made her fall for me.

Akuku, who was once a shylock and used to take ornaments as collateral told me that each ring on her finger was worth 200k plus, meaning she was worth a milli plus on ornaments alone.I told him she even has 300k in her bad. He neared me.

That is when satan removed from hell and started to shower Akuku with ideas. He gave Akuku an idea that he get a thief who will come and rob us. One of those rice persons of Umoja 3 that he knows personally her work is to put rice. She is yellow yellow and formally of MKU. She left school to start ricing. Apparently, nowadays, the persons you see in bars, they dont trap. They put medicine to those people who pick them. I told him to go to satan.

Before satan could give 'Akuku better' ideas, she returned. She told us that she was looking for an acre of land that is touching eatern bypass road to set up an office complex or petrol and she was paying cash. On hearing that, and knowing an acre of land costs 80m plus, I saw that commission alone was to be in  millions. That is when I decided i will look for the land alone. I telled her we remove from there.

Before long, we found ourselves in a room. Theuri had warned me that half a  century old persons had mtight mtight tiitas but very demanding in muclimbano. He had advised me to  make sure I do all I can and climb until she saided she does not want no more. I had read a motivational book that saided that what your mind wants you can achieve if you believe. The key word was to believe. Every other thing was secondary. If i believed I could last even for one hour, even if I found mtight mtight, i would not pour prematurely. I asked mind how anyway it could not support mtree to remain streadfast after having an opportunity to become rich. No way.

To cut the long story short, the moment I inserted tree, I  felt like I had never felt before. I felt like I was in an oven. Then, inside tiita, there was like someone hidden inside to squeeze mtree, handjob style. Imagine mtree is inside a hot place, then there is someone inside holding mtree squeezing it. I felt bells release everything until they god deflated like a baloon. Actually, on holding bells, only bells holders were there. Balls had deflated piu. And in a record 5 secs.

I removed mtree and lay facing up. She asked if I had poured. I saided yes. She asked how fast. I saided quite. She saided we lay small it will rise again. I looked at her with vagina of my eyes and felt mercy for for. That tree has never risen after first joti. I then remembered the motivation I read. Mind. Then remembered how on earth I could let mtree fail me and there lies 300K that probably was carried to be given to me.

As I continued to imagin the 300k, I catched sleep small. On waking up, I was alone in the room. She had left a k on the table (She ensured we dranked all the 20K) same way we leave a K on the table when you climb MKU.

She still does not believe that I am a one joti, few secs man. In her whatsapp message, she was like I fell asleep and she had to go home.

She wants me to climb when I have not touched dogogio, but in my head, I know I will still disappoint. Thats why I am searching for solution, among them, Mganga kutoka Tanga. That will be my next story.

If you have better remedies, feel free to advise me.

I am,

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyna, CCTV

Monday, August 3, 2015

Climbing a 50+1

I have seen a threat that if I don’t beat you this story I will be voted a director of Kihiu Mwiri. Well... I don’t take threats with any heaviness but the threat to vote me a director of Kihiu Mwiri has made my bells return to stomach.  And because I don’t want that seat, let me beat you this story of climbing a 50+1.

There are those times you scratch bells so much, you wish even your enemy can call you they buy you a drink as they abuse you. Such time was a few weeks ago.  Theuri, Akuku and I didn’t have even what that can be praised  but we needed to wet our throats.

We decided to go to another place they  sell Castle lager on offer. One dogogio is costing of Jomo . Yes, a full  dogogio costing of the late. Meaning,  with 500, you have 5 dogogios and they eat one to eat.

When we had drinked two, Theuri telled Akuku “ Turathinika ni njohi na mama iria ringi e area? (We are eating problem of dogogio and maybe that mama  is in the area?)

Akuku suddenly saw that statement as if it was the best even words saided. He saided “I ma. Na ndioi dagitari, reke tumite auge niaramienda” (Yes, and because she does not know Dagitari, lets call her we say Dagitari wants her”

Akuku looked at me and telled me “Hena ki mama hau, we na ni nguru hanini, ndirenda ndimite. Yoka witue wina interest piu, niukuona uria I gushafua metha. “ There is a persons  there, she is old small, I want to call her. When she comes, behaves like you have falled with her you see how she will dirtify this table)

I saided there is no problem. He telled me to show a lot of interest and throw compliments as if I had met a 22 year old who has telled me she has never been to MKU. He continued
“Waikaikara uge wi muhutu. Ikugura  mieha  itatu niukuona we. Yendete nguiko ta sirry” When we stay stay, say you are hungry. She will put 3 chickens you will see. She loves climbing like sirry”

I asked “Ni hiku? (Is she married?) Theuri looked at me bad  then asked “Urenda kumihikia? (You want to marry her?)

I saided no.  I saided I asked because that will be Ikenia Art’s theme of this week’s play.. “Mwatu wene” (beehive of owners) that will be staged at Sarakasi dome Ngara from Friday.

I asked if she is climbable. They held thin then Theuri saided “ Niui andu matihananaga. Kiria gigukenagia tikio gikenagia ngoro yaku. No ikiri mbeca ta gathia” You know people don’t look alike. What makes you happy is not what makes me happy. But she has money like ghasia). There there, I started to put face. Because I know Theuris and Akukus likes and they were saying this one them they cant touch, then her looks couldn’t be praised.

Small, she entered. She didn’t  first come to out table direct. She sat far as if she was borrowing permission to come seat with us.

Theuri asked her why she was sitting far.  She came and saided a person with manners does not jump on others, maybe we were in a meeting.

She was not as bad as I thought.  She had like25 earings on each ear, probably to signal her age to those who keep asking ladies how old they are and a nostril to deny her body  that it has reached the threashold.  From how she looked, when she was young, she looked like sun. She was a lightskin,  tall and was not denied thutha. But due to the effect of Guiness, she had grown stomach and all the things that comes with Guiness, including very excessive weight gain and talking as if you have power.

After introduction,  she asked for Guiness kubwa and coke. Before it was opened, she asked what we were drinking. Theuri telled  “Ino itagwo Caso . Ni njeru yumite tanganyika”  She looked at it and asked “Ati Keloshe?” an indication that she had her blonde moments too.  She was telled yes. She saided she also be given Kaso. Before her  Kasoraga was brought, she saided even us be given 3 3 each.

When she was telled I am a doctor, she became excited and telled me she will come see me at my clinic. When she tried to tell me I don’t know what,  about leg, what could be the problem,  I stopped her and telled her to see me at the clinic because that’s the only place we can talk in confidence.  At times, I google and get instant answers but here, my phone had died of fire.

In my head, I was saying even if I ukia how, degehota. But I played along as was advised.  

Small, I saided I wont take another dogogio because I was hungry. She asked us what we will take. Akuku saided we can put meat of boilo. I looked at him and telled him that I don’t like red meat.

She telled Akuku to go at the butchery and put the number of mwewes we will be able to full.

In my head, I was saying, she is feeling the way we men feel when we call those lightskins and they start beating themselves how they don’t eat this or that before returning to their hoods in Kayore and Huruma.

By the 8th caso, my opinion started to change.  Head started to think those nice things I was saying to her, I actually meant them and started to relay them to my josto. I even started to protect her from men who wanted to take advantage of her generosity. Even Theuri and Akuku, I was the one saying how many more they should be boughted. I even telled them to get someone who can be buying them dogogio and not my persons.
To cut the long story short,  my 11th beer was drinked in room. 

As I removed  clothes, I noticed that tree had stretched until knee. Though Castle lager is known to kill electricity, this one I refused to know. I removed all and lay on the bed, with zig zag coiling its way up until near ceiling.
She removed hers and went to wash tiita. When she returned, she almost fainted to see a zig zag. Although Theuri had telled her that I carry heavily, I seem to have surpassed her expectations. She then jumped on the zig and started to suck. Although I am not a fan even small of being sucked josto  this one sucked until I felt like to pour. She would suck, then remove and come to kiss me. I refused piu piu to kiss her. There is no way you gonna suck my josto then kiss me, coz that’s like I sucked my own josto. So that she does not feel bad, I telled her that my granpa left abuse saying no one in our family should kiss women.  She returned to josto and sucked to suck.  When I felt I will pour for real,  I lifted myself up and pushed her head away from josto. I  telled her she inserts me makobosto I climb her.

She refused and  telled me “Wee dagitari uka kahora. Come on my mouth”

I telled her no. I want to pour on tiita because that is the only way I can feel like I climbed. She saided I will pour on her tiita on my 2nd joti but for the first come, I must pour on her mouth.

I refused to know which devil I met until I  got lost in thoughts and refused to know several things. One, how could she, in her wildest imagination even dream that I can afford 2 jostis? I fail to afford 2 jostis for  lightskins, only her?  She didn’t know I am a one joti man. Unless I sleep until morning with a persons is the only time I can say I climbed two jostis,  the other one in the morning.

I refused piu piu. I picked makobosto and rolled it down on my zig.

Bossingly, she telled me, “Kuja doggie basi”

I obliged. Though it has never been my favourite.  Twaf twaff, the muviorie she was vioriaring threw me out within a few thrusts, falling on my back. Immediately,   she came on top, took mutree on her hand, pointed it on tiita, inserted small until all was in. Then, she started to vioria to vioria. A mvioririe I have never experienced before.

Within a few seconds, I poured I think biggest in many years. Even after pouring,  she didn’t stop to vioria.

I held her and telled her I have poured. She asked “Ati? I saided I poured, she  remove we relax small.

She telled me “ati kii? Hueze toa mbaka hata mimi nimwage. No nginya njite dagitari”

With that mviorire, I felt as if makobosto was coming out. I telled her “makobosto imetoka” She didn’t seem to listen or mind. I pushed her away and telled her to let me change makobosto then. She fell for the trick.

I went to bathroom, removed makobosto and bathed, washing josto even piu piu.

I threw eyes and saw her lay with legs  apart as if she was waiting for the climb of the year.

I was torn. I didn’t know what to do and returning to that bed was a big no. Under no circumstance could I afford another joti.  Even if what.

I tiptoed until bed. I telled her I need to buy redbull.

She asked me to remove money from her bag to go buy. I telled her I have. I returned clothes and when I removed from that room, the first thing I did was to switch off my phone.

Degehota ringi.

I am,
Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno.

Friday, May 29, 2015

The Fear of Getting Measured.

I have just come under the table. I had dried all my ribs completely.

I was being boughted lunch by Theuri when I telled him how a certain nurse has made my head go round round, I cant think of any other persons except her.  she has made me mad. all I am thinking is her.

He stopped picking meat of burnt and telled me.

Niurite? (Have you eaten)?

I saided not yet.

He saided

"Tu nurse ni utui we? (Do you know nurses you)

I saided no.

Tuu ni moto ya kuotea bari.  tukaga na latiri. Kau gagakwira kambe gaguthime. Hena kangi ndari nako mabatha i. we! icio ngariria ukuruine (Those are fire to bask from far. They come with measuring kit and insist to measure you. There is another one I had in Mombasa, we! I will talk when  I am old)

I stopped munching to listen well.

Kanjitire gwako mabatha ngithie nguite makobosto na mizinga iri ya Johny Walker, na nyama kiro imwe, na yaguithitio ni kani. (She called me to her house in Mombasa, I carried makobosto, one Johny walker and a Kg of meat that had been falled by a liver)

Twarikia kuria na tuanyua nyua, ngiambia gukanyita nyita. Gatiarehire mbara. No riria gokirie hanini, Ndonire gokira gagiuka na latiri. Ati tuithime. ndainainire nyee muti ukiigana wa kaaana. (When we finsihed eating, and drinked small, I started catching catching her small small. She didnt bring war, but when she ukiad , I saw her go get measuring kit. She telled me we get measured. I shook all bells until tree returned like of a baby. )

I asked him if he agreed to be measured.

In a loud voice until everyone who was 100 meters away could hear, he saided
"We nowitikire? ka ndina ngomaaa (Can you agree? kwani I have satan?)
I saided why not, only problem is you are being measured by your jangiri.

He continued

I niui ndamithaithire tuhaicane na condom ikiuga ona tutikuhaicanaga tutari, no no nginya ithime" (Do you know I begged her we climbana with makobosto. She telled me we were not even meant to climbana without. but we must get measured)
ndaraire nja ta rori. Yaumire bafu na gatauro ndokia ikorota ka latiri. Tuanyuire mzinga wa keri kinya igaturama to yari ona gatauro gakuhi na nyondo ciari nja, mabatha nirui maikara nui. Ngokia, ngonio ratiri. (I slept out like a lorry. She removed bathroom with only towel. When tree stretched, she would point the measuring kit.

Do you know we drinked even the second mzinga, she would stay bad, as she was only in a towel and all brookiers were out. When I'd see tiita, she saw I had ukiad, she would point at the kit again)

I was crying in laughter imagining the precarious situation then dried ribs piu piu he saided

"Nie njugaga, reke ngeriruo ndi wodi no ndingithimithia nie. Maraya iria ndite ni nyingi muno cia gutake chance" (Me, let them tell me when I will be in wald, cant take myself to be measured. The trappers that I have climbed are way too many to take chances)

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr Gyno. 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Remove I Remove

This weekend at Herisquare lounge, Ikenia Arts will be presenting a show called Ruta ndute (remove I remove). Its an adult show and its about removing thuruaris.

This has made me remember with pain an incident that happened last night. Its opposite of remove I remove.

There is this persons I met, who has eaten salt almost like me though she looks twedi one and has more stairs and trucks than me.

One time we were drinking dogogio and we started beating stories of adults, a topic I like so much. I singed my zig zag, beating drums for it on how it coils inside persons and beats all corners until tiita removes smoke.

She looked with vagina of her eyes at where my josto is located and in her head, she confirmed it is zig zag. She closed one eye on me and I closed mine for her. We exchanged contacts and started whatsapping and IMOing like daily until I borrowed things.

Yesterday, the date happened. She was to see one of her flats she was constructing in Kitengela and requested me to accompany her.

The thought of eating a rich made my heart beat to beat. You know I am used to eating MkUs who I flatten to that they will become rich once josto dangles made me refuse to know what lie to tell a rich. The thought of eating a persons who has eaten salt almost like me made me refuse to know. You know those who have eaten salt have very firm muscles. The many years the tiita has been pounded makes the muscles firm, they can press small and you will pour all that is in bells within 1 seconds.

When I got her at a parking slot in town, she telled me I come drive her. A 5.2 litter machine that drinks oil to drink. When driving it, I was driving with all my head out so that I am seen by as many persons who will think I drive a 5Lt machine and come with it on head this weekend.

It is this us, until Kitengela. After inspecting her flats in progress, we headed to ana small dogogio place of the rich.

As we were drinking, she touched zig and confirmed it stands coiled, not straight. Her bean started to beat beat until she almost poured on herself. Small, she could not tolerate anymore, she called called the waiter and telled him to do total. I was about to tell her equal equal when she removed card and paid all of it. She then telled me we go to room.

I tried to figure out where we get rooms of like 1500 which I could afford comfortably. She telled me to beat car fire until of Kinuthia Mbugua's in Utawala.

Since I was born, I have never been to that place. When we entered, head telled me that rooms dont go for 1500. We removed from car and headed straight to reception. I was walking behind her so that she does not get removed by devil and tell me to pay. She paid and we were directed to room.

It is this us, until room. Small, I rolled makobosto then inserted josto sloooowly. When all josto was in, she presed her tiita muscles and tree felt like it was being strangled. I removed half of zig and returned, removed and on returning again, I felt like bells had been putted pump to remove everything stored there. I then collapsed on top of her.

She asked me with alot of worry "Wanjohi ndukauge niwaita?" (Wanjohi dont say you have poured?)

I saided in very low voice "ndikuga" (I wont say)

I refused to know what to do to ukia again because as I have always telled you, I only climb one joti, unless I will sleep with the persons until morning. Otherwise, it cant stand even if what. Infact I hear men saying they climbed 3 jostis in a span of 1 hour and refuse to know, is it that they dont know how to count jotis or is it satan they have in their head that directs them to do such evils or is it that they dont have ambition in life that the only thing they think is to climb? Me once I pour, thats it. Who seeks fame that they climbed a persons 4 jostis? for what? I always refuse to know.

She breathed hard and waited for me maybe to wake up and finish her fire. In head, I knew that fire can only be finished by either cold water or her fingers.

After 5 minutes when strength returned, I removed from bed and went and bathed, then returned.

When I picked my trouser to dress up and go home, she rose from her lying position, sat on the bed and asked me

"Wanjohi niki ureka?" (What are you doing?)

I saided (Rucio ndi wira tene, reke nie nyumirie" (I am working early tomorrow, let me remove)

She saided "Mwathani, ati ki? nduri kundu urathie utahete tuna" (Ati what? there is no where you are going until you give me 4 jotis!)

Head refused to know, since I was born, my record stands at 3 and that was when I was young. Now, at my age, where will 4 jostis come from? even 2nd one, even if what, it cant even with medicine of ukambani.

I stopped dressing up and returned to bed, said a small prayer to return mukio. I sucked brookies, tried to put images of all persons I have ever wished to one day to even if only insert head, but where. I telled head to think it is Jahkey's brookies I was sucking so that tree can sprout again but where. I looked at her eyes and replaced them with Silver's but where. I putted images of those of TV but where until I gave up.

I cursed all those persons I was putting images of but were not helping in making tree stand. I refused to know how babish they are.

After 30 minutes of trying which appeared like eternity, I broke the bad news to her. I telled her I cant be able ukia again even if what. She asked me why. I telled her it is because I ate meat of burnt which burns all calories of standing.

She rose up and held her hands akimbo and asked me

"Wanjohi reke ngurie i, we na ti mbeca ndirenda hariwe, nduri kinduuu, nduri ona ki, nie ni muti ucio waku nyendaga arafu uremwo kunjika? ii?(Wanjohi, let me ask you, it is not money that I want from you, you dont have anything, it is that tree of yours, now you are unable to climb me?)

I thined myself and saided it is because her tiita was soo tight that it milked everything in the bells.

In bitter voice, she telled me

"Na mundu angikuona ugithie na fara no akuhe gitio muno na hatiri wira haha. Hatiri wira, bure tu. Mundu no one taui kuhaicana no wewe ni bure kabisa. Muthita ucio waku kafa urengwo uheo aria moi guikana (If one sees you walking on the road, they cant give you respect, but you are nothing. One can say you can climb but where. That josto should be cut off and be given to those who knows how to climb )

Let me tell you, for free, I was readed for over 1 hour. Since I was born, I have never been readed like that. She removed I failed to remove. None of my whatsapp messages have been returned and my 5 IMO calls went answered.

Now, if you can climb 4 jotis, call me I give you contacts. You will drive a 5 litter engine then thank me later.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gynae & COOJO (Climber of One Joti Only)

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How I Climbed a Watchie

When a persons you are with drinks dogogio with no mathematics until morning, even refusing to know herself, then she disappear leaving your stretched until knee, as a man, you have several options.  You can pick trappers, you can use your hand (if you have Vaseline, experience and good memory to keep images of persons you have admired ), or you can say like what hare saided.. it was not ripe. In this case, say she had month. Climbing a washman is not among the options.

This is what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was not intending to beat you this story because no one go beating stories to people of how he climbed some cliques unless the level of kichuodho has reached an all time high where you say bad is bad.

Theuri and I were in Nyeri swinging. And we had persons. Let me not lie. And it was Theuri who was buying. And the persons I was with was brought to me by Theuri's persons.  Let me not lie because liers are of Satan.

On this particular day, I could not even wipe flies off myself. I had parad piu piu. I was being standed for by Theuri, from beer to dogogio of my persons to everything.

On this day, as usual, I was the one doing the talking talking and Theuri was doing the buying. As usual when I have parad, I talk much so that I can be kept quiet by a buyer of dogogio. As you know, if you are bought dogogio for, you must henceforth listen to what the buyer of dogogio is saying, lest dogogio pipe is cutted.

It did not take long before the persons realized that I was not buying even small. Even small!

 Small, she stopped listening to what I was saying, to calls I was making to my drivers to ask if they had parked all the trucks, which had been catched by police and kanju, which escaped way bridge overloaded etc.

When I saw things were getting out of hand, I smsed Theuri and telled him I don't have even what. He passed 3k under the table. I k was meant to be left on the table for the persons in the morning to buy milk and another one to stand for me so that I dont walk like that and another 1K to buy a round to appear like a man to the persons.

I ate Njaro small, meaning I did not ask for a round.

When it came to time to go to room, Theuri went with his persons upstairs. I telled her we go also.  She threw saliva out and losted in the crowd of that bar. I was left alone refusing to know.

I scanned around and approached several. They all wanted dogogio before we talk. I bought several to one until 1k finished and morning almost reached. When I telled her we go sleep, she saided she cant sleep in room. I either take her home or go to satan. I refused to know, tree coiled back and left for room alone, head telling me like that hare stories, maybe she had month that is why she has refused.

As I was talking the stairs, I met a soldier persons, if full regalia. Tall and well stunyad. under normal circumstances, I fear tall persons. Not fearing per se, they kinda intimidate me. I sometimes see as if they can spank me and tell me "grow tall boy, grow tall". In some other cases, I have found very tall persons to have tall thing as well. Maybe it becomes tall as well when one grown tall.  Its not typical though and dont quote me, but I have encountered one or two hence conclusion.

 I greeted her and she accepted.

I started a conversation about Nyeri and its people. She talked with authority just like normal police. Anyway, even soldiers are police, its only that they dont carry guns.

 I then asked her

"Guku ndugikaguo muno muno ni itonga cia guku? (si you get done much here by rich of Nyeri?)

She threw saliva out then folded face and replied "mmmm andu a nyiri makuhete ngiri monaga ta makugurira nyumba" (People of Nyeri if they give you a k they see like they have bought you a house)

There there, tree stretched until knee. I telled her in loud voice "Andu a nyiri matikoraguo kinduuuu. Ni mbeca matari (People of Nyeri don't have anything, it is money they dont have)

I telled her to give me a push until room. When she followed, it was an assurance that she had accepted to remove for the leader even without borrowing or buying even one dogogio.

I gave her room keys and telled her to open. She opened and went and sat straight on the bed. I went to latrine, urinated fear of being denied by a soldier. When I returned, she was lying facing up with all her regalia still on.

I tried to unbuckle the heavy belt but where. She telled me I need to go to Kiganjo for training to be able to. She rose and unbucled until she remained like she was born.

As I was inserting makobosto, I was praying that she turns different from some very very tall persons I had encountered before.

Twaff twaff, where. No thread even small. I putted image of the one who losted at the bar until I poured.

When she returned cloths, I reached for Ik from my trouser and handed her a K, knowing very well that that k had drunk water.

She looked at it badly then asked.. "haha noho ndiraruta fare?"  (Is this where I am supposed to remove fare?)

I turned on the other side of bed and asked her in loud voice "Guku kwanyu nyiri ii,  Ngiri ndifunjagwo? (here at yours Nyeri, you dont break one thousand notes?)

She left room beating mouth.

Tomorrow of that day, Theuri met me at the restaurant taking breakfast of room. I telled her how I climbed that persons her persons had thrown me until she removed smoke, only for that persons to appear at the restaurant with Theuri's persons. I concluded he climbed the two of them.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyna & CCTV

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Lifting Johnie Up Up Part 2

This is lifting majohnie up part two.

I am sure you must have forgotten this Lifting Majonnie up up story. I also had forgotten it had it not for Bountiful Safaris Safaris who are offering incredible Easter offers and among the destinations they have offers for, there are chances of meeting. Theuri and I have made an Easter booking one and I hope not to lift one up up ever again. (You can visit For more information)

To remind you small about this story, there was this persons who had refused to put it on head for me piu piu despite trying all tricks on earth. Buying dogogio until she refused to know herself but where. I was only now remaining to take her to Bishop Helicopter to have her name checked if its written in the book of life.
The other thing I had not done was to take her out of town. And like I have telled you before, there is one guaranteed way of making a persons put thuruari on head: take her out of town, far from where she can take a taxi home and as long as it’s a place she will have fun. Don’t take a persons to Ngarua where people refuse to know or Kimende. Talk to bountiful Safaris if the only place you know out of town is Warufaga gwa Kiongo.

After buying her that fridge of air on that Saturday morning to spice up the 180 angle, we set out on our journey until Nanyuki. Theuri, Akuku, mpesa and two other guys and persons for each of us.
It is this us, until Sportsman’s Arms where the most notable revelers are Majonnies.

For those who don’t know Majonnie, these are United Kingdom’s version of KDF.
As part of the training and to make them more badass, every year, The queen of England sends several thousand to harness their killer instinct in this beloved country. Once once, upon slightly provoked, they harness their killing instincts on poor bar patrons in this bar.

Where we satted upstairs, it is only us, our persons, trappers and waiters that were black, the rest were all majonnies and a few other Europeans who owns all land in Laikipia. Any other matafaka sits downstairs. Upstairs is usually reserved for Europeans, white landowners of Nanyuki, Majonnies, trappers and those who have death wish. We didn’t have any death wish, we just didn’t know. That’s why we sat upstairs.
Groups and groups of them were coming in, all sober and minding their business. As time went by and as dogogio ate them little by little, they started being unruly, calling every trapper in there and sometimes confusing our persons for trappers. Our persons would look them bad and throw saliva out, though in their hearts, they were wishing we weren’t there they get climbed by Majonnies and move to Europe when Majonnie returns. This was even confirmed when another Majonie song singed for them by an Oga lady was played by the DJ, coz all the persons we were with stooded up to sing along

“I’m looking for Majohnny Where is Majohnny? Jonny come jonny com”

But they were playing double standard because when Majonny stooded up to dance with them, they would sit down.

When their advances were rejected by the persons we were, they were refusing to know how persons were rejecting them.

So, when they would be reject, they would talk in English of nose which I don’t hear even small unless they type subtitles. The only few words I would hear was like “cock sucker” “bitch” “motherfucker” “cunt”
Theuri and I would abuse them back in the same measure.
Small, almost deliberately, one Johnie whose ancestors were Chineese based on his facial features falled on my drink and it all poured on table.

Refusing to know how he does that to a leader, I stood up and lifted him up up and dragged him down the stairs in full speed. He was only landing with toes.

When mid journey of dragging him, it is then that it occurred to me that I was dragging a queen’s army, a guy trained to fight ISIS for all his life and a good student of Bruce Lee.

Head returned to normal small and realized that I should not have even dreamed of lifting him up up in the first place. One of those moments you realize you have just made a very very wrong decision like JAP where either way, you are fucked. One foot is on the banana peel and one foot on the grave. You refuse to know if to continue with lifting Johnie up up and end up with broken ribs or you drop him and still end up with broken ribs. Either way, you are still fucked.

Head telled me to drop him and lost for my life. Looking back, two Jonnies were following running to rescue their colleague. On the other side, trappers of sportsman’s arms were cheering me as if what I was doing something that was going to earn me a gold medal.

Theuri and my group did not leave their seats. They continued to drink as if no Jonnie had been lifted up.
With the moral support I was getting from the trappers, I lifted him higher and dragged him until end of stairs.
When I dropped him, I started to count how many more seconds I had to live without broken ribs because that was imminent.

He remained still, not reacting even small as if he had not been liften up up. He appeared like he had refused to believe even in dream that a mere stomached man had lifted him up up without fearing to be broken all bones.

In his head, he was saying, if I know one jab would be enough to make me refuse to know myself piu piu. This was the first time ever a reveler had even dared to lift a Johnie up
When I saw he was about to start believing that indeed he had been lifted up, I removed my phone and pretended to make a call to police.

If there are anything Jonnies fears, it is Kenyan police. I hear if a complain is made against them, the case is taken over by their military police where they see news. There is nothing as feared in their barrack as military police. When they sin, they are telled in loud voice

“You puke, I’m gonna tear you a new asshole. Get on your knees scumbag”
None of them like the experience of military police.

So, I lifted phone and telled them

“I am calling the police. The OCPD is my friend, you will see what you have never seen”
When I saw the fear registered in their faces, I continued

“Do you know who I am? Do you know the Army commander is my brother!, he will personally come here. You will see and refuse to know niggas”

Their Jonnies colleagues came and begged for peace. They begged and begged and saided I be given 5 of what I was taking. We resolved the matter.

But the experience made me shook bells so much that I did not return upstairs immediately.
After fear was removed piu piu I returned until upstairs.

As time went by, they started to leave one by one until only a few remained. Among those that remained was the one I had lifted up

Small, the one I had lifted up up with two others started to abuse me but this time, I did not return even one abuse.

The confidence in him telled me he was no longer afraid of being telled “On yo knees puke” by their military police and he no longer feared my army commander brother. All he wanted was to break my few of my bones. I just bended my head as if nothing was happening, though I was shaking even pancrease. He was waiting for me to return so that I see what KDF of UK is made of.

Theuri in small voice telled me in ear

“Gaikie ngundi ya inioro aya angi maingirira naithui tuingirire” (throw him a jab on his nose, if others enters, we also enter)

I bended my head more.

He continued to call me a bitch etc and showing me middle finger almost inserting the finger on my nose. When I looked up small and saw his chineese features again, reminding me of Bruce Lee and Jackie chan’s skills, head telled me to even pretend I had slept on the table. Even if I am beaten slap, I assume I was not beaten. Another of them, not Chineese but a huge European with tattoos all over looked like a matafaka who can climb each of us kwa nyeni, drink all our beers and do so with a smile on his face.

He continued middle fingering salute, and twice, he literally inserted on my nose. I remained still like a rained chicken.

The trappers who were earlier giving me moral support now turned againt me and started to give Majonnie moral suport. One saided in loud voice
“I ndukumarumaga tene. Kai thaa ici utararia?” (You were abusing them before, why are you not talking now)

As the trappers taunted me and Jonie harassed me, I overheard one trapper say
“niui last weekend nimaroragire kairetu na gutiri kundu matwariruo” (Last weekend they killed a trapper here and they were taken nowhere).

There there, one of my bells returned to stomach and josto shrunk and returned same size as it was when I was 5 years old.

One by one, Theuri and all others losted until room, leaving me and my persons.
All this while, I remained with my head bowed down like a rained chicken for fear if I looked at them, their killer instincts would be activated.

When all Johnies and any other white element in that hotel left, I got up and saided in loud but shaking voice “Ita kamundu kau wone uria ngugeka. Niui tugithomera black belt, tweriruo ndukanahure mundu mureu. No iu ni matuika too much” (Where is that boy you see what I will do to him. When I was being taught black belt, we were telled not to beat a drunk, but that biy is too much)

My persons telled me not to fight. Until room.

When we reached room, even after seeing shaved tiita and legs putted at 180, tree behaved as if it does not know what tiita is, leave alone shaved tiita.

When she saw I was not responding in jumping on her like I had promised to make her feel it until throat, she stretched hand to touch touch zig that I had been singing to her about, a zig that stretches until she feels it at throat.

On touching, she returned hand soo fast as if she had touched something that bited her.

I refused to know why. I stretched hand to also feel what was bitting near my josto.

It is a soo small josto she had felt that she refused to know what that was. Again, she had only felt one bell as one bell had returned to stomach and refused to come out.

After the trauma was over, she returned hand and played with it to make it wake up but where. In her head, she new she will feel as if air was entering because of its small size but since a fridge had been bought, she had to contend with the content.

After unsuccessfully trying to wake it up, she decided to down to try to wake up the smallest josto she had ever come across by teasing teasing with mounth but where.

After another unsuccessful attempt, she decided to suck the one bell that had not returned to stomach so that josto can wake up but where.

She gave up and started consoling me now.

She telled me that even her former boyfriend had a small josto, though twice than mine and had problem ukiaring like me. One day, she took him to a certain man of cloth and after they planted seed, the josto added a few inches and ukiaring stopped being a problem.

Small, because men have no doer of good, when his problem of ukiaring finished, his zip remained down. He climbed anything that had hole until she decided to leave him.

She telled me that she can refer me to that man of cloth with good heart, if I want to lost, I lost, she had helped a creature of the lord. She telled me she can even give me his no I mpesa and he prays for me remotely.

I telled her that we will send tomorrow of that day. Small, I felled asleep.

In the morning, I woke up to find her touching touching the bell that had not returned to stomach. I don’t now what sorcery she was doing or if she was refusing to know how comes one can have one bell and josto size of a small finger and still dare to take a persons all the way to Nanyuki and beat chest of how she will feel josto until throat.

When she saw I had woken up small, she telled herself to go down again and suck the small josto so that she can say atleast she sucked, fridge has been repaid well in kind.

Small, I saw a persons thrown until wall. When my head registered that I was with this persons I had tried to climb for years, josto sprung up with full force on her mouth, pushing her in full force until wall.
She force was soo enormous that she even fainted.

I did first aid on her for several things. First for trauma of being thrown on wall and 2nd, the trauma of seeing a small josto turn into mighty zig zag that stretched until ceiling without the assistance of the man of cloth and three, trauma of seeing a one belled man grow another bell instantly, she removed from the comma.
I then made her put legs at 180 and since she was born, she had never experienced a man that lasted that long. She poured 3 times before I poured my first. But this is what was happening. When I was about to pour, the ghost of Johnie I had lifted up up would show up and pours would return to stomach.

As we removed from Nanyuki, she had had enough climbing to last her 6 months without wanting any josto again.

A day later, when she realized the fridge was air. She went to Safaricom and bought a those sms package worth a million bob or more. She then sent me 100 sms per second, all of abuses. And she was a real exorcist because even after blocking her, her smses were coming. Or maybe Safaricom were aiding her due to the huge business she had given them.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyno & CCTV.