Thursday, October 16, 2014

Pastor Wanjohi Wamagogo



After my taxi business drank water, I returned to practice what I had learned in college. Doing Ms word.


One afternoon, I was cooling bells in the office broke and refusing to know where to remove money of matubo, a phone came in from a factory in Mang'u that were experiencing problems with Ms word in their machines. They wanted me to go treat it asap. After we agreed on my charges, I called PM and telled her to abuse our local shop keeper, mama mboga and the landlord. I telled her that we will never sing problems again, atleast for a month and she should abuse them piu piu for talking bad coz their money was staying.


I climbed a mat until Thika and anotehr one until Mang'u, then walked another distance until factory, a distance that took an hour to walk, mind you, bodabodas had not arrived then, making me reach there past 5PM.


Although the job was of less than 20 munutes, as usual, with people who want to thief you by showing you that the work they are doing for you involves alot, I stayed on that job for more than two hours. Installing and reinstalling, doing dos commands, etc on their machines to appear like I was doing the most sophisticated job ever.


When I finished, instead of paying me cash, they gave me a cheque. Between me and poverty, I had only 400 bob remaining, which was enough though to reach me until Nairobi using matatus. I called PM and asked her if she has abused the people I asked her to. She saided all of them. I telled her to un-abuse because the money will only mature after 4 WORKING days, even if it was of the same bank. Then, even same banks didn't know that. 4 days had to finish.


By the time I left that place, darkness had started to enter. From where the factory was until where I was to catch a Mat, it was like 3-4 kilometers away.


I walked until a small shopping center where Matatu were taken. By then, darkness had already entered piu.


At the stage, I was the only person waiting for a matatu. Small, two suspicions characters who looked like they had just escaped from Kamiti came to me and asked me if I was waiting for a Matatu. I telled them nope, I was waiting for my uncle, just to lost them foots.


They went far far small and started talking to each other in ear. Head telled me that they were disusing how they will climb me and the only misunderstanding was who was to start climbing and after climbing, would cut me into pieces and who would throw me away.


I had been telled how that place was notorious with men climbing men. I had heard that if a car destroys near there at night and you are with a yellow yellow that can compete miss Kenya, they will look aside and almost vomit when they see her but on seeing a man, they do a hi five and tell you to down trouser.


After standing there for an hour, now approaching 8ish, I walked to a shop nearby and asked if matatus do pass at that time. The shopkeeper asked me where I was going. I saided Thika. He held chin, and after two minutes of feeling mercy for me, he telled me that after 7, it is easier for a trapper of Karumaindo to give you tiita for one week for free than a matatu to pass there at that time. He telled me that matatus were forced to abandon night travel by some characters that immigrated from Sodom and Gomorrah. He telled me the only town I can get rooms to sleep or matatus of luck is Kamurugu, a few kilometers away. Like Kayore until town.


There there, a story of 4 lepers as telled in the book of 2 Kings 7:4 came to my head. The lepers saided amongst themselves that if they stayed where they had been thrown to die because of catching leprosy, they will still die. If they return to their city that had been invaded by famine, they will still die. If they go to Syrians, the current ISIS, who were their sworn enemies and surrender, they will either be spared or be killed. They found that the only better option was ISIS. As lepers went, God made their kufiaring kufiaring sound like the whole Israel army was invading. The ISIS losted from their camp, leaving food for the lepers.


That is what I saided. If I say, my thutha is at risk from the two Kamiti escapees. If I walk small small, my thutha is at risk, but I can reach Kamurugu up up and book room with the 400 bob I had with me and leave tomorrow to cry for itself.


I walked for unmeasurable distance where I found that shopping center called Kamurugu. It was active small and didn't look more of Sodom like the other shopping centre.


At the stage, there were 3 men, also waiting for a Matatu. They didn't look like they had just comed from Kamiti, but they didn't look like they had come from Muirus either.


After standing there for 10 minutes, one guy came and asked me if I was waiting for a mat. I saided yes. He telled me that we take a taxi equal equal until Thika. He telled me we remove each 500 bob coz taxi was 2500. If I could do a miracle, it was to turn one of my bells to be a hundred bob so that I can add to the 400 bob I had. I "rejected" the offer.


After a moment, from far, a light of car showed. Small, it neared. When it passed small, I heard one man shout "Ni Njuguna, njuguna rugama njugunaaaa rugamaaaa!!!"


The car came to an instant halt.


The three men run towards the car. When I saw that, I run after them and overtook them. When back seat was opened, I was the first to enter the car. At the back seat, there were 2 other men.


As we entered, One guy saided "Njuguna, ona Pastor ndugatige" We satted on each other and fitted inside, 5 men at the back and two at the passager front seat.


I refused to know why he called me pastor, then remembered I had a small bag that their head telled them its a bible. I was happy for my bag.


As soon as Njuguna beated car fire, they started talking. Stories here and there. But there is one that made me shake bells like satan when one of the guy saided


"I niwona uria Mugweru angiatuanurithia? athire kumira ta kirimu. Kirima kia ngai piu" (You know Mugweru could have made us be beaten. He went to remove himself like a fool, a gods fool"


Njuguna the driver returned "Mugweru ndakuaguo mawira manene. Ucio ni usooo, kuguithia wira kuguithia to e guoya muno. . Eriga gutiga mashini kiharo rimue. Ta imagini" (Mugweru is not carried for big works, he is usoo. to make work fall to fall. He once left the "machine" at the field imagine"


Head there there telled me that they were talking about robbery incidents and life life, I knew I was given lift by robbers who have just removed from a scene.


There there, I started to compile my last prayer in heart incase the Flying squad were on their trail to make that car and all the occupants a sieve, then they say 8 robbers returned fire and fire was returned, thereby exchanging fire. I started to say in heart


"Father in heaven, forgive me all my sins, I repent all of them. I accept jesus as my lord and savior. Please accept my acceptance to join you from satans. Write my name in the book of life..."


Before I finish becoming saved, the car pulled at a bar in Thika town.. those wazee wazee bars. They telled me that since I cant get a mat to Nairobi at that time, we enter and eat njaro small until 3AM when matatus of shamba start going. We all entered.


They each asked for dogogio. When the waiter reached me and asked what I was drinking, I shouted in loud voice "Nipee white cup balidi"


When they heard that, they all kept quet, looked at me, then one of them saided "Haiiiyaaa ati pastor auga akunde mugima? pastor enderio piu" (waaa, even pastor has saided he drink one, sell to pastor piu piu" Everyone in the bar, including patrons we met there who did not know my pastory laughed, clapped and cheered as they welcomed me to satans.


Within two hours, I had dranked 5 white cups. Everyone was now drunk. one guy saided "Pastor tuhunjirie, tuhunjirie tume mukuru wa mehia" (Pastor preach to us, preach to us, we remove from the valley of sins)


I stooded up on the table and saided in loud voice


"Andu oothe me guku, murimo uria, na mukuru uria, thikiriiai ndumiriri ino. Ibuku ria ngai, Maundu ma Arawii, mirongo iri na ithatu, kamuhari kambere karauga atiri, na akoruo wina bibiria yaku, naba ya maguruine ni magana mana ma itano na ithatu, na tuthome.


Mundu wothe mumendereku nyeeee" na ni bibilia, ndihititie, "kana mucuthe wake nimucehe, ndakona uthamaki wa iguru ona hanini. On ahanini. Hareruya? Mundu mumendereku ndakona uthamaki wako?" They all returned wa iguru (the book of Deuteronomy 23:1 says, anyone who has crached bells, or his josto cut off will not see heaven with eyes). I asked them to answer me, that whose bells are crushed, will not see kingdom of where? they returned of heaven.


Na tuaikuruka hanini kamuhari ka mirongo itano na ithano kamuhari ga ikumi na imwe ni iraregana na maundu ma kuhutahutagio nyee ni mundu wanja. Irauga atiri, mundu wa nja angikuhutia nyee, urenge guoko kuu. (If you go down down small, Deut. 25:11, it has refused people of out from catching catching your bells. If she does, she is supposed to be cutted that hand that has catched your bells"


I preached and preached, quoting real verses they have never heard in churches. With every quote, dogogio was coming and promise of them coming to my church as lifetime members.


When morning reached, they dropped me until stage and paid for my fare.


Nu ugakoruo msafara ine? Dogogio ningagura woka na pipo igiri.



I am


Pastor Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno, River Road Inc.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Theuri Gets Caughted Life Life By PM Climbing Mboch.


There are ordinary men who have seen news and there is Theuri. If you are telled that you are inserted in Theuris shoe for a day, you would refuse to know completely.

I once telled you that even housegirls have holes. What I telld you was that there is nothing evil, or "low standard' bulls in climbing "unties". They also have holes and they are persons like any other although they cant keep their mouth shut once they onjesha you. But same way you can find it unethical to climb your PMs best friends, same should happen to your housegirl because of the repercussions if it bursts. Sometimes, cant be mended again.

On a day like today, last week, I was sitting with Theuri, MPESA and Akuku at Magomano eating meat of dipping. After finishing, Theuri inserted hands in pocket and only felt bells and no one was removing himself to buy dogogio. Theuri, when it comes to such a situation knows how to remove dogogio from you and even strangers seated next table without force.

All of a sudden, he held chin with both hands and started shaking head. I asked him what has cutted.

He looked at us and saided

"Nie uria nyonete huai, ngaria ukuru. Murauga Guarana ni kali. Ti kali ona hanini. Mama aranyitire life life shuma i thiine wa kairetu ka wira. Aramionire ikuo thiini mani" (Me what I saw last night, I will only talk about it when I grow old. They are saying Guarana is bad news. Its not bad even small, my PM catched me on top of our housegirl life life,. she witnessed tree inside with her own eyes)
When it comes to listening to good miseries like those, we all pulled chairs inside insde. Akuku called Mwai and telled him to sell us 3, 3 each.

After dogogio was asked, he removed hands from chin and continued

"Ta imajini PM waku akunyitite life life shuma i thiine. Ti kuiruo, na tigukora ugishokia mubuto, amikora i thiine hehu hehu. No ngaria ukuruine." (Imagine your PM catching you live, not when returning josto, and not ebing told, seeing it inside and dripping wet wet. I will talk when I grow old pris)

We asked him to tell us. He insisted he will say when he will grow old.

So that story can remove, MPESA called Mwai again and telled him to bring 4 4 and make sure that our table does not dry even small. Some people who were next table but throwing ear -dropping on our table called Mwai and telled him we be served two two each. Small, our table looked like we were at Club Samba or Harry's Tavern where lake siders frequent and not Magomano where one asks for refill after ensuring that there is zero content on the last bottle.

Now assured that he will walk home with knees, he cleared throught and saided.

"Nie tu Guarana tuu murauga turamatega kumatega, nie rekei ndimuire, tuu ndituonaga ngaumira ta rithathi" (Me, those tu Smirnoff ICE double black with Guarana that you are telling me it is sweeping sweeping them off their feet, I will be seeing it and removing like bullet)

To make the story short, Theuris PM does not like to hear smell of dogogio because she was removed from Satan long time ago.

On January this year, they wrote a new auntie job of house. This aunte when she came did not look anything, she did not have front or back. She did not know how dress like a city girl, she did not know how to apply lipstick and never shaved eyeris. She looked plain and pass.

The first quarter of this year, she had started to take shape. Her thuthas started to protrude as if she had borrowed a few secrets from Vera Sidika. For front, it had been there but before, she was letting them fall fall for not wearing bra, she was wearing vest. Her face started to smoothen and whiten. In short, she had taken all the necesary lessons from Vera

Second quarter, she had learnt how to dress like a true persons of Nairobi of up. Putting on tights, and very very tight removing her thutha even very well and showing camel toe even if you have closed eyes. She then learnt how to put bras that remove brookies out out unlike before when she was putting on vests putted by school girls.
Within a short time, Theuri started to eat his PM with her image. He had had not gotten a chance to eat personally because in his house, strictness is the other name of Theuris PM. An auntie is instructed to to keep 100 mts distance. Then, Theuri cant return home during the day. If he does, neibors call his PM and say they have seen his car. He had once been catched climbing auntie, thus the strictness.

Theuri spent this third quarter of the year drawing how to climb her.
The opportunities would present small, like Sunday when she was given off, but dogogio has not teacher. Instead of going out to climb her in room, he spendes time nursing hangovers.

Englishman once saided that if you want something soo bad, you will have it. Last week, he started talkign to her, sometimes even on phone and whatsapps. He asked the ka auntie when she was splitted. She telled him that since she was born, she has never been touched by even kipii, only one kApii that she was reading together at Thubiri secondary in Ngarua. She telled him that hers was soo intact because that boy only climbed one time and did not even finish splitting.

Hearing that and imagining that he will not use makobosto, he started to draw.

That day, on Friday, he had goned home early. His intention was not to climb her, it is the way one feels to go home early. When he was watching news of 7PM, the ka auntie passed and he saw those thuthats and brookies. His tree stretched and head telled him to draw how to climb that thing today today.

In his head, he telled himself that the only way to climb her was to make his PM sleep fofofo and in a way that she will not feel herself until tomorrow of that day.

He called a trapper he knows that puts medicine on people in bars. He wanted to buy medicine and put on his PM to sleep until tommorow. But as usual, trappers change numbers weekly, so he didnt get her on phone.
He then called me

"Mutongoria, ka Guarana uraugire marokia gukia?" (Leader, you saided Guarana is making them to ukia ukia)

I telled him like satan.

He asked me how many can make a persons refuse to know herself.

I telled him that I dont know about refusing to know oneself, all I know is that it triggers bean to start knocking knocking asking for a josto asap before they finish 6 pack.

In his head, he knew his PM cant drink dogogio even if what and the other option of putting her medicine that trappers use to spice dogogios of their victims was out of his reach.

His head telled him to give her PM Guarana secretly disguised as Redbull.

He went until Nakumatt and boughted 3 six packs of Guaranas and a Mzinga of Jameseon to drink in house. He then boughted a live jogoo to be slaughted inhouse to make his PM see that he is changing, now drinkign at home and even buying live Jogoo instead of those of GMOs.

After supper, he went to car and removed his Jameson, two packs of guaranas and two Redbulls.
He gave his PM one redbull and poured in glass. When she went to latrine, he dranked all Redbull in that glass and replaced it with Guarana.

He gave another two Guaranas to the house auntie to drink in bedroom.
When PM finished first glass, he poured another full on her glass and one tot of Jameson hidden inside. In her head, she was thinking she was drinking Redbull.

Her head started going round round and getting excited excited. Now her head getting confused, he gave her one Guarana life life and telled her its not dogogio, its another make of Redbull.

Small, she had dranked 6 or 7 Guaranas. Her bean started tickling tickling. she closed eye on Theuri. He refused to know why she was only closing one and not closing all of them and fall asleep. She telled Theuri they go sleep. theuri saided he wanted to finish his Jameson.

She went to bedroom and changed to night dress and returned to sitting room to see if Theuri will ukia but where. Theuri was still sipping sipping his Jameson slowly so that she gets bored and go to bed.

True to theuris prediction, she got bored coz Theuri was not reponding positively. She went to sleep.

Theuri followed her and touched her bean small and telled her to sleep small, he go down and finish his Mzinga, her tiita is not going anywhere. He had disturbed bees.
Theuri gave her another 20 Min. He returned up to see if she had sleeped. Since she did not respond when he called her (but was due to anger that he had refused to go to bed and give her bean some beatings), he assumed she had slept and will only feel herself tomorrow of that day.

Theuri returned to sitting in speed, added volume so that if PM wakes up small she would assume he is enjoying his Jameson and music.

After very small time, he tiptoed until Aunties bedroom.

Auntie had also taken 6 plus. Her bean was tickling until he could hear when he was at the sitting room.

Theuri removed all clothes comfortably as if he was at Karangi Bar and Restaurant's rooms. He then helped auntie remove the last piece of clothe she had in teh name of thuruari of strings. Then sucking sucking tu very very tight brokies and navel. But he is not like me, he cant suck tiita coz if it was me, I would have downed small until tiita. Her bean was ready, she did not want the upus of foreplay and was pulling theuri to come up.

Like he tells us, when climbing and you dont want to pour in ten seconds like yours truly, he inserted head, removed head, inserted and removed, counting 9 times, then pushing all josto and repeating the process.

He tells us that it is also very important to count. Insert head and remove, 9 times, on the tenth, insert all then remove. Repeat the process until that time you want to pour. He says the utam of persons, or where they feel all utams is in the surface not inside like what we see in porn. Persons can tell us about that.

In his head, he was thinking that he will get opposition of entering by tightness but where. Her pot was not as promised. She had telled him that she had only been climbed by a small boy but it looked like the hole was bombed by ISIS, Alshabaabs and Al Qaita forces combined to create entry and not an innocent form 4 pupil. Least, he thoughted, maybe the boy who splitted her used the whole of his hand instead of josto.

Inserting and returning and his Jameson raved head encouraging her say louder mbus as if they were in a privacy of a 9th floor rooms, he would encourage her to say mbus more so that he can also feel like a man. you know making someone who has super pot say mbus is not an easy feat. If you make such say mbus of true, you are a real bull.

As he was inserting only head and removing and counting to get maximum returns for making his PM drink Guarana and her volume of guarana in her stomach, he heard something hit him on his kneck and back like a trained karateka kick you would receive from Kivuti. He was then hit on head with an shoe by a wailing persons who sounded like his PM who was supposed to have refused to know herself sleeping in their beedroom. It was his PM. She was wailing and shouting as he thoroughtly battered both Theuri and the auntie.

He saw death with eyes.

He removed from inside the tiita and faced his PM with a tree facing almost up due to ukiaring.

Wewe!! let him refuse to know what to do. Josto was dripping dripping.. he had been caught and no removing from it.
He wiped eyes to see well, then looked at his PM. he then telled her while shaking like satan..

"Yani Wa Brayani, urauga tiwe uyu? maheni. maheni maheni maheni... nindaregaaaaa!! jehovaa... urauga tiwe uyu? uuuui jeso jeso ma ndukauge tiwe nguhaicaga... apanaaa cant be" (Wa Brian, are you sating you are not this girl here? its a lie, its a lie its a lie. Are you saying you are not this? jesooo dont say it was not you I was climbing)

He then turned on the auntie and joined his PM in beating her.
As he returned clothes, he telled PM

"Uyu rucio ndikamuone guku. Mubute wira, rucio aroke guthie" (This one, tommorow of this day, I dont want to see her here. Rub her work, let her leave in the morning)

He then looked at his PM and looked at the auntie...

"yani ndukanjire tiwe uyu uma gitanda giki? apanaaaa.. nevaaaa .... jehova jehova, niatia guthire? We utogtitiganiriire nawe gitanda? Nu undehire haha? " (Please dont tell me it was not you that was in this bed... what happened? The last time I left me and you in bed, how did I come here? )

When PM stopped wailing small, he telled her soothingly...
"Na ninguriraguo kai murigo ucio waku wneneha atia umuthi, murigo ngurigaguo wawika atia ma, kunenehaaa" (And I was refusing to klnow how your tiita has increased in size how, veeery buggy I tell you"

I cant remember how the story ended after this because all by ribs had dried to hear anything else.
But I guess the PM must have falled under the table for hearing that last statement that her would be competitor has ocean in place of tiita.


I am
Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyno & Chief Student of IHORENTIPTIAJOTLOP (Inserting Head Only & Removing Nine Times Process Then Inserting All Josto To Last Longer )

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Why I Dont Touch Persons of Owners

I once telled you that my first ever job was when I was written as a cooker. Later, I was promoted to a waiter position at a bar and restaurant and lodgings in Dadora Phase 5 that was owned by one Kamahuha the late. That was right after I finished high school as I waited for exams to remove. Like I telled you before, I was removed from the village after I started associating myself with boys that were drinking bangi and climbing peoples of owners in the village.

I have telled you a few stories about my waitering days, but there is one I have never telled anyone because of the fear it evokes and the love of wanting to forget that incidence. Its not something you want to remember often.

Among the regular patrons in that bar, restaurant and lodging place was one guy, quite old, like thatefae ivi, that used to come with a persons who was my age mate. Yellow Yellow. She had cleared school same year as me but was born tao, so she knew dogogio and men unlike shags persons who know it once they become pupils of MKU. It used to pain me though, seeing young persons getting climbed by old men, something I used to refuse to know why.

I liked serving them coz I used to thief them when they got drunk. In their head, they were thinking because I was small and new, I couldn't thief bill like what experienced waiters did.

At times, he would come, drink two at the bar, then go to room to climb and then order room service after that. One time when I was offering them room service, I found the persons had just removed from bathroom, as she was born. long bean!. Let me tell you, I have never ukiad like that. Tree stretched until knee and did not sleep for the lest of the night.

The image of the long bean also did not leave my head until she came to the bar again with that old man. My head went bonkers again when I imagined that long bean and tree tapping tapping it. But I knew it would not be easy to climb. When you were scratching bells, only can be given out of being felt mercy.

When the 'oldie' went to latrine, I went and telled her that I wish to one day only insert only head and I will be contended for life.

She smiled and telled me that she has also been thinking of giving me because she also likes me and more, she likes the size of my zig because she had seen it from 18 when I had ukiad. She telled me to make a date and she will put legs at 180.

We continued to joke small small for days and in head, I believed one day, zig will sleep inside.

One day, they were drinking. she telled her that old man that she had been drunk piu piu and wanted to go sleep. She was okeyed to go, to be joined later as the guy was left finishing his drink.

AS she was taking the small stairs, she met me standing there with tray and opener. I looked at her and the long bean image reappeared in my head.

I looked at the table of the guy and had one unoppened White Cup. Satan whispered to me that an average man takes 30 minutes minimum when drunk to finish a full bottle.

I neared the persons and telled her in ear "Umuthi no nginya uhe" (Today you just give me)

In drunkedness, she telled me to go to her room I climb one quick one. A room that her guy had paid. And the guy, being friend of Kamahuha and Mwenje, also used to own a gun.

But when tree has stretched, head stops thinking.

I gave my tray to a fellow waiter and telled him my plan. I telled him that I am going to employ him to guard that man so that incase he sees him waking up, either to go to latrine or to room, he rush up faster to notify me. I telled him I will pay him 50 bob. Back then there were no mobile phones ati he could flash.No.

He telled me that I was risking to have a pullet planted on my head but nevertheless, he will guard him.

I went upstairs until her room. She had already removed all clothes. Because of fear, I only downed trouser small, then twaff twaff, as usual, 10 seconds of fame. Makobosto is not mentioned and its not unintentional. No makobosto were present.

I made that a habit until I stopped employing fellow waiters to guard him. I only ensured he had 2 beers on the table.

One day, he had 4 beers. Head telled me that I will climb two jotis, one of ten seconds and the other one of one hour. Back then, I could manage more than one joti.

Just as I was teasing teasing long bean with zig zag so that she ukias well, I heard the door knob twisted. Then knock and then a loud voice of "Njeri, hingura"

WeWE!, the tree that had ukiad returned to stomach there there. I didnt know what to do and she didnt know what to do. Death was imminent.

I took my clothes and entered under the bed to wait twaff twaff of true under the bed. I then saided  prayer because I was sure I would be shot. I repented all my sins, reminding God that I have felled short of glory and that I have now accepted the lord as my personal savior.

The guy entered and as he was removing clothes, a gun fell until almost under the bed where I was hiding. I saw a hand browse through, almost touching my naked body. I prayed again and telled God to save me one last time and if he does, I will never sin again. He browsed through lazily until he picked the gun.

Small, the persons was being made to say mbus as she received tree of that man. As she was being to say mbus, in my heart, I was saying mbus of being whipped.

My heart that time was beating louder than loudest boom boom music. Occasionally, he would pause and ask why they are putting loud music in the bar. But it was my heart beats.

Although it is easy to enjoy to hear people climbanaring, this one, and I think it lasted 10 minutes in real life, in my head, it lasted eternity. I refused to know how a full grown ass man can last hours as if he has nothing else to think about. in this hard Nairobi life.

Another sad thing, I had Flu and cough. Small, I could hear like to cough. I would suppress it with all my remaining energy until one time it wanted to remove itself by force. I negotiated with it and negotiated until it agreed after telling it if it coughs, it will never cough again ever.

Another sad thong, due to more fear of being shot, I diarrhead and urinated small until he asked why the latrine was not flashed.

After waiting for eternity to be shot, I heard snores snores coming from up. The guy was now deep sleep. The persons did a test "wake up wake up honey". When she was sure he cant wake up, she rose up and opened the door. I crawled out of the under until out.

When I was out, I found almost every waiter, cookers and all workers and the manager at the corridor. Seeing I was alive, although wet with urine and diarrhea, the manager telled me to hand over my float and any other thing of that company and telled me I had been rubbed ther there.

From then, the only persons of owner I can climb is of Theuri. Any other, let me not be able.

But I learnt a lesson: All rich men climb one joti and falls asleep. Many jotis of for scratchers and those who have nothing important to think about.

PS: Dear Njeri, if you want a reunio/rematch to complete what we started, even if you have many babies like how, as long as the long bean is still instact, my number is on my profile. Call me.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyno & COOJ (Climber Of One Joti)
(Because I dont Get Paid To Climb Many).

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Tales of Long Beans

I have telled you before that after I cleared high school,so that I can be sent to Nairobi, I temporarily 'joined' a company of the villagers that drinks bangi and climbs all thuruari on head persons in the village with impunity, thus earning a very bad name for themselves among the villagers. So that I am not destroyed like them, Moshe Dayan quickly sent me to Nairobi to live with my sisters as I waited for exams to remove.

When I came to Nairobi, I went to live with my sister in Dandora. In the same plot, there was a persons, quarter Taita Taveta, quarter, lake sider, quarter Cambodian and the other quarter Ukuyu because she could understand and speak Ukuyu. She was living with relatives as well and had cleared Std 8 but could not proceed further because either financial or she had falled flat in her KCPE.

What I cant remember very well though, is if she had good figure or not. We never gave figure any value then, what mattered was if one had a cute face and was yellow yellow; the rest were secondary. Where I come from anyway, we never used to mind if a persons had thutha big enough to make her heels
not rained or had an hourly glass figure, or if she was tall, or if she could speak good English. We had few, if any at all to have a choice anyway.

One day, I requested her to allow me to make her bean tired. After haggling for days, she agreed.

After my sister left for work and her relatives were away, she sneaked into the house.

In that house,it was permanently dark even when sun was at mid day. When time for climbing reached, she requested me to switch off the light. I did not take it as a big deal because same in my village, they used to first inserted inside blanket to remove clothes so that you dont see her nakedness. I hear the seeing her nakedness was only reserved to those to marry them or something like that. We never used to mind anyway because our chief aim was to pour and that was that. The same way you see a cock chases a hen or where a he-goat jumps on a goat, it inserts, removes and the business gets closed, there was no difference.

Unlike today where I must see what I am eating, I quickly agreed and switched off the light. When she was removing, I remembered that I cant roll on makobosto in the dark. So, I reached the switch and putted on. She was standing there, now in the process of removing "Omo with Powerform" t-shirt. Lifting eyes small, my eyes quickly rolled until her titta. After all, thats where the eyes first land on a naked persons.

What I saw shocked the hell out of me. I shouldnt have switched on the lights soo soon. A long karunguthu hanging like a small josto. Exactly like ajosto of a baby. I inserted cold until my josto returned to stomach. Since I was born that was my first time to see a protruding bean! Where I come from, as you all know, our persons are not gifted with long beans. No single persons has, even today, unless those that have drunked medicine to lengthen it or those that are originally, by blood not from the lineage of Gikuyu and Mumbi.

In head, I thoughted that she was a hermaphrodite that we read about in school. Let cold insert me. Little did I know later,rather came to appreciate later that ‪#‎longbean‬ is every woman's dream, every woman's jewel.

She saw my worry that was registered all over my face. She jumped in bed and inserted inside blankets and covered herself.

I went straight to my head and telled it to tell josto to ukia again because I was about to embarrass myself. I telled head to tell josto that it was not the first to climb a hermaphrodite.

After rolling makobosto on a flaccid josto, I switched off the lights and joined her in bed. I touched touched brookies small to convince myself that she wasnt a hermaphrodite and when tree stood small, I jumped and convinced myself that I was climbing a normal persons. I would try to force an airless josto but where. I attempted and attempted to force it up until she was tired. Believe it or not, I did not ukia nor pour.

An year later, when I joined college to do Ms office, the village in me started to dissapear when I heard people talk about how good persons must have a long runguthu. To drive the point home or force it down my throat, Theuri, my friend and my neibor in the village and another guy called Murira Ikihia na Ciahia Agakira (Crier of when cooking and when cooked stops crying) took me to Luthuli's New Aden. From first floor, trappers were sitting on corridors without thuauri. He would tell them that he wants the one with the longest runguthu. They would pull it for him to see, then Theuri would say not big enough until we reached fouth floor. Fourth floor had the youngest and the prettiest. I climbed one with a big runguthu and the way tree was coiled by runguthu until I appreciated the beauty of hanging ruthungu.

After that first escapade of longbean, I remembered what I saw in that persons of Dandora. I looked for her until I found out that she was now working at a bar in Lungalunga slum.

I traced her until there. Within a short time, her long bean was coiling on my josto almost every other weekend. I would then go and recount my escapade to my friends in college and they would ukia like satan and beg me to introduce them they feel like me even if small.

Everytime my tree would stretch small, I'd go to Lungalunga, rent a room that was going for 150 shillings and climb until morning. In that room of iron sheets, they used to keep one basin in the room and outside, they used to put a tank of water. So, on your way to bathroom, 50 meters away, you would draw water from the tank and go queue to enter bathroom. At times, if it was day time, I would go to her house (she had given me a key to her house). But in head, I was suspecting that that she was being climbed by atleast one other man.

One day, at around 6PM, my tree stetched untill knee. I went to OTC and took a bus (all those mats were dilapidated and it was a rule by the owners of that route to only bring 1960s mats) until lungalunga. Since we didnt have phones then, sometimes it was chancing because you wouldnt know if rain was there or not.

I met her serving her customers at a bar she was written.

After buying me a soda, I asked "

"Kianda nikuega?" (Is down good?)

She telled me "ini, nduthie u book rumu, umuthi niukunogia njagi proper" (Yes, down is good. Go book a room, you will make the bean tired proper)

I paid 150 shillings and went to the room to wait for her to come after she close the bar, normally at around 10 PM since I did not have money to buy dogogio.

I kept myself on the dirty bed, tree stretching until near ceiling, waiting for 10PM to arrive I feel bean stretching on my zigzag.

Small, sleep catched. I woke up at 11PM. From far, I could hear noise coming from the bar, indicating that she had not closed yet. I returned to doze. I woke up again at 12.30, though the noise was dimmer, there were still people in the bar, meaning the bar wasnt closed.

I catched sleep again and when I woke up, it was 3AM. There was no noise even small. I refused to know if she had carried me babish for the first time.

I tiptoed out until bar and saw it was closed. I tiptoed until her house. Using the key she had given me since long time, I opened and peeped inside. I saw a man, closely resembling Theuri in deep sleep and snorting loudly. Head telled me that Theuri had jumped me.

Besides him was my pesons. When she heard someone open, she lifted her head up small. She had not slept because she knew my devils and what I was capable of doing like my fellow students who could throw stones at police and innocent motorists for a stupid reason like losting of electricity.

Feeling gikindi choking me, I returned to room, almost crying and not knowing myself at all.

I kept myself in bed and tried to catch sleep but where. Head telled me to cry but tears could not come out. I refused to know what sort of a man can do that to me, be it Theuri or anyone else for that matter.

As I tossed myself in bed, I saw the basin of washing. Head telled me to pour cold water on them.

I went and drew water with the bucket, then opened the room of that persons slowly, until all door was fully opened. I then splashed all water in the basin on them, locked the house from out and in full speed fled to my room.

Before I fled, I heard the man shout "ngaingai ngai nuu ucio?" who is that? In that deep voice, it did not sound like Theuri.

Later, I was told by a neibor next door that when he finished to say ngaingai ngai, that persons was slapped 4 powerful kimanyoko slaps until she fainted. When she woke up, she was asked who that man was and why she would even dream of cheating on him with other men and besides, in a house that he pays.

When she hesitated to talk, she was kicked and kicked, almost being killed until she saided that "uuui...Mwaninikiii.... ndukanjurage, egagwo Cohi ni student was Universal college na e room 9" (He is called Wanjohi, he is in room no. 9 and is a student of Universal college)

I had locked myself in side the room and could hear the commotion from far. In head, I knew that I was fucked up. The man removed out and kicked the door of the next room to his and entered with the door. He kicked all doors, vowing to kill whoever that Cohi was. When he reached my door 9, I was already urinating on myself.

He told me to open and that he was going to kill me. He asked me if I knew him and saided no. He telled me that he was a robbery with violence and has killed so many and I will be another statistic. Small, I heard twaff twaff twaff, 3 shots in the air. Kumbe the guy was a real robbery with violence and he was the one who had kept that persons.

After the shots, I diarrhead on myself. I then started to plead with him to spare me.

"Aki kiongozi, hata mimi nafikirianga huyo ni bibi yangu. hata mimi naripaga hio nyumba, aki usiniue"

By my good luck, when he fired in the air, he attracted the attention of some APs that had a camp near. The APs, out of fear, I guess also fired several shots in the air. Instead of waiting for me to open so that he can finish me, he fled the scene.

I did not waste another minute there. I removed from there and walked until my cousin's in Kariobangi. I did not tell him what had happened and why I had diarhoead on myself until 5 years later.

From then, I saided, never to go to a persons house unless I am the one that pays and two, if a persons carries me babish, I agree with her entirely that I am a baby like she is carrying me. It saves alot.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & APOLOBE (Appreciator Of Long Beans)

Friday, February 21, 2014

Why You Should Never Help a Persons Dress Back Her Thuruari

Have you ever done/not done something to a persons and it made her throw saliva out for years?

Well, there is this persons I saw today as I was swinging bells in town and she reminded of an event that happened more than 15 years ago. Yes, way back in 1998. And 15 years later, she cant even answer a simple hi from me, even with heart.

In that year, I was still a pupil at Universal (now University) college where I was pursing Ms Word. Every time we closed school, either due to strike or vocation, I used to go live with my sister in Dadora since I did not want to go back to the village to till land, prune/harvest and carry coffee to the factory, cut napier grass for cows and milk them and take milk to the dairy etc etc. My Moshe Dayan was however happy of me not going to the village because he used to think I will drink bangi.

One Saturday evening, there is a persons friend to my sister who had come for a sleep over. She was a pupil like me, though at another college doing Secretary and Reception. She looked exactly like sun. Real sun. She was spotless yellow yellow, momo small (those days, everyone used to salivate at momo persons, unlike today, where most people purport to want extremely malnourished persons, although I know its for PR purposes only so that you can look sophisticated. Its like someone who carries 3 sleek large phones. To others, you are sophisticated, to me, its still a Shina phone. Outside public limelight, they go for momos because they say that they get knocked knocked by hip bones of extra malnourished. But they get the best 180s ever).

This persons also used to speak in a cloaking sexy voice. Arafu ndangiurirwo gatende ona hanini (She also could not be rained on on her heels, even small). Complete umbrella. That means, Vera sidika and other thutha endowed socialite would be ashamed of themselves if they compared their thutha with hers.

Tomorrow of that day, Sunday afternoon:

My sister was going to a chama meeting. When she was leaving, she telled her that she will stay for only two hours, so she should not get bored because two hours is small.

After my sister left, satan whispered to me in ear that when a hyena is left with a sheep in the same closet, it eats the sheep and wipes mouth. I saided I will do exactly like a hyena.

She was sitting on the bed and I was sitting on the only stool in that house. We beated stories with no legs for like 30 minutes, then satan whispered to me that if I dont borrow and climb within two hours, it will be eating her with eyes only.

I closed one eye and she smiled. I closed the other one and she smiled more. Those days, and at that age, as you all know, there was no sophisticated miborrowing techniques. You ask direct what you want and only when you mean it. Telling persons what you want there and then. "ndirenda kunogia njagi yaku (I want to make your bean tired) ndirenda kuringa indo (I want to beat your things), or ndirenda guthigithania mbini gi pawa! (I want to rub rub my josto on your tiita with power), or rehe murigo ndi unogore (Bring your things I stretch it) and that would be that. If she said NO, she meant thuruari was on head. If she said YES, she meant book room now now. Those days, persons never used to say that money talks and mbullshit takes the bus. Men never used to know the power of money and the persons never used to know the power of what they carried between their legs. No single persons knew. Rather, no single persons of our age knew. They were only looking for men to marry, not to make them rich.

I moved closer and in ear, I telled her that I wanted to kunogia njagi proper. It is that me, I started to touch touch brookies. Small, she fell on the bed breathing heavily like a paffander. Head telled me she had ukiad full speed and it was time for me to act. I removed her thuruari and threw at the legs of bed, then upped her skirt. I then unbuckled her bra and upped her browse.

Her tiita was as clean as her forehead. No single hair and no single spot of scratch from razor. I concluded that ither she was bald on that area or she had seen the light before her age by shaving clean. Remember we didnt have internet to tell people to shave those days.

Let me ukia. Let me ukia. Her brookies were also standing straight, no falling even small. I touched touched making her say mbus now. Those days, I had not learnt about sucking tiita, I was still green in these things as some of you are today. There are men who are still green in ramnyaring persons, they say, like my friend Akuku that they cant suck. They still live in the 1800s. Those men are beyond help. Akuku stops everything he was doing to hear me say how I sucked. Although he listens with frown face and like vomiting, he asks me to say it I am lying or if its true. He is also beyond help.

When I was about to remove my clothes, I remembered I did not have makobosto and I could not chance climbing without because of her getting stomach. Getting stomach was the only thing we feared. If she got stomach by you, she became your PM, liking or not, even if you were a pupil like me.

I removed out, with tree stetching ten meters ahead of me until out. Among the problem I had, like having a ten meter pole stretching from my trouser, I had another one. I could not buy makobosto from any shop nearby because of reasons even scientists have never been able to unravel. No single scientist can tell you why. So, I walked to a shop that was a kilometer away.

In every shop I inserted, if I met an elderly woman or man that did not have a friendly face manning the shop, I could not buy. As you all know, there are men that were born stupid and are beyond help. Buying from them, you can find one asking you who you are going to climb and why, others will tell you to be born again and stop prostituting, others will write on facebook that "Cohi just bought 3 packets of makobosto from his shop and I know his girlfriend. Who is he going to climb?" Others will ask you in loud voice "unakata Trust ama studded? Packet moja ya condom itakutosha kijana?" so that anyone within a radius of one kilometer will know you boughted makobosto. So, to avoid that, you first look at his face, if it looks friendly, scan around the shop to certain he stocks makobosto. If you see none on display, buy panadol and go to another shop.

Unlucky for me, all the shops in that radius were being manned by elderly women or men that looked either saved or not friendly or stupid.

When I realised that I was not getting a place to buy makobosto, I returned back to the house and a hundred percent sure that I cant climb without makobosto.

By the time I reached the house, two hours were only remaining 5 minutes, meaning my sis was almost returning from Chama.

I touched touched tiita and sucked brookie small, then telled her that I did not get makobosto. But I did not tell her that I cant climb without makobosto even if what.

She started to pant in earnest again. I touched and touched and touched and sucked brookie making her pant more until she almost now fainted. Looking at watch on the wall, 10 minutes had passed two hours, the max time my sis was to return.

I telled the persons that since my sis was about to return, we cant do anything. She did not talk. Her thuruari was at the legs of the bed. I telled her to take her thuruari and return. She did not respond. I started panicking now because 20 minutes had passed the max 2 hours and I couldnt stand my elder sister even suspecting that. I prayed that my sis stays stays small for atleast another 20 minutes so that this one can agree to return thuruari.

I tapped tapped her on her head so that she could hear well about returning thuruari but where. She just lay there with her legs wide open as if she was telling me to insert josto or die trying.

Seeing like its she had gone unconscious, I took upon myself to return her thuruari. I picked her pink thuruari and inserted in one leg and paused small to see if she will lift the other leg or return it herself but where. I pulled the other leg together with alot of force coz it was like it was experiencing stiffness or an objectl had been placed in between her legs. Finally, I managed to insert the other hole of thuruari. I then pulled it up until where the mass of thutha lies. With stamina of a young energetic guy, I pulled all of it, lifted her mass thutha, rolling her side to side , then pulling it up until it fitted until up. I did it expertly like a person who had gone to school to study "returning of thuruari " course. I then pulled the skirt down , buckled her bra and neated her and made her lie facing wall.

After I finished that enormous task that took me well over 20 minutes, my sister knocked and entered. The persons pretended to be asleep and when she "woke up", an hour later, she telled my sister that she will go home because she had a class early in the morning.

From that day, she had never ever talked to me. Every time I tried to say hi, she used to throw saliva out.

But I knew why. If you ever try to return a persons thuruari, thats what you get. Saliva getting thrown out. They cant forgive you. Better cheat on her than return her thuruari, either having climbed or not. You can only help a persons remove thuruari but bot return thuruari. Who does that anyway?

But I pride myself with honour and humility of holding one prestigious accolade that no one holds in the whole of Eastern and Central Africa, Europe and America, Shina, from North pole to South pole and vice versa. I pride myself as the only man who has ever helped a persons RETURNED thuruari.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi Mundu Strong.

Snr. Gyno. Ex FAPORET & GRARETHU (Grand Returner of Thuruaris)

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Githeri "Deal" I Dont Want Again.

I have just come back from lunch. Not from the newly discovered bones place where you can eat 3 sizable bones and soup with Ugali for 50 bob. Theuri has another joint that sells Githeri and other foods but Githeri is cheapest there. Githeri plain goes for a 100, with meant is 250.

Today, he telled me that we will eat Githeri with meat at only 150.

What happens is that he has a deal with a ka persons of kitchen. Meat is putted at the botton while top layer is covered with Githeri. Later, the persons of kitchen takes 50 bob per plate... so, you eat Githeri of 250 at 150. Saving 100 bob at one go is not bad mathematics at all. But it is not as easy as you think and thats why I dont want that Githeri of deal again.

When we entered, he closed eye on the persons of kitchen and showed two finger salute, meaning he wants two plates of Githeri to be smeared with meat at the bottom.

When 'Githeri' was putted on table, I took spoon and as I was mixing githeri to mix with meat so that Githeri can taste all meat, Theuri shouted in loud voice as if someone was about to be shot

"Wee wanjohi kai uraguruka? ( Wanjohi are you getting mad?)

I ask why. He looked at me badly and asked "Niki ureka riu? Nu urakuira uruganie? tamba urie nyama iyo yaumira hau iguru. No nginya urute nyama na mubango musheji uyu. Mangiona nyama thanine yaku ukuga yauma ku? Giki ni githeri plain, nyama ni cia mubango" (What are you doing? who told you to mix? Ebu first eat that meat that has popped up on your githeri. You must eat with style man. If they see that meat, where will you say it removed from yet this is supposed to be githeri plain. This food is not supposed to have any meat. meat is for deal".

Faster faster, I ate that meat before I was caught. From then, to eat a piece of meat, I was looking right, left, back and front and when no one was looking, I remove a piece from inside and inserted in mouth, then chewed as if it was Githeri I was chewing.

Let me say, it was delicious but I have ated all with tension like of satan. I was sweating you could have thought I had been rained on. But next time, I will reject the offer... let me not be able that style.

If you are the owner of that restaurant, please ring me on 0714 540 444 or Marshal on 0725 86 57 55 for free DOMAIN registration and WEB HOSTING with unlimited emails to say sorry. Meaning, you can create.. as many as emails you wish with unlimited disc space and bandwidth... eg...

wanjiru@yourhotel.com, muifi@yourhotel.com, accounts@yourhotel.com mzee@yourhotel.com etc etc.

I wanted to send you an email and tell you how you get stolen by the persons of Kitchen but realized your email is yahoo and its NOT good for a prestigious business like yours or it will filter emails to spam, thereby escaping your roving eye. I will offer you that for free.. mangai.

Or visit...

http://sawawebhost.com/ for more details.

And to the readers here.. if you need a gooder deal, halla and talk your case. Laking money should not stop you.. we can talk small.

I am,

Dagitagi Wanjohi,
Snr. Gyno, River Rd. Inc.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

BREAKING NEWS

I just made a major discovery. Biig discovery. I discovered another place of Matubo you can eat with less than 50 bob. Kwanza tu hell with Matubo now. In that place, menu includes 3 sizable bones (the ones removed all meats) and soul fills plate until it pours out. Na bei ni fashirire... !!! aki ya nani. kwa Mama Otis tumehama... Even supu of saucer is being added without being looked bad.

And as I was chewing the bones near Muthurwa, I remembered an event that happened about 20 years ago when someone mentioned that KCPE started today.

I was in class 8 and we dided mock exam in preparation for KCPE.

I happened to have tied top marks in Science and Agriculture with a boy named Koskei.  He was born Kipkoskei but when his  tree was peeled, he removed Kip and remained Koskei. They used to say that Kip means Kipii, so once you shedded part of your tree, it was mandatory to shed Kip too.

Our science and Agriculture teacher, a Mr. Birgen refused to know something. Where i failed, Koskei failed, where i gotted right he gotted right. from Question one to 60th question.

This Koskei boy was blessed with one thing. Repeating every class he entered. He repeated every class, not skipping even one without repeating that class. Education was entering through one ear and removing through the other ear as fast as it entered.

Mr. Birgen called us both and saided we be clapped for scoring 86%. Everyone in class felled under the table because they knewed someone had copy pasted from the other and it wasnt me. Mr. Birgen then instructed all pupils to laugh at Koskei for stealing exams from the leader of science and Agri.

During the exam, Koskei used to finish first.. withing the first 10 minutes. All he used to do was to guess the choices and tick for all questions, without reading any of them at all. He would then lift his hand and say,

"Esgus me disha, galeiiiii, egzam momite " (Escuse me teacher, atiriri, my exam is finished ").

Mr. Birgen would reply "Galeiii Kosgei, Momite all na ndagika agenge? (Atiriri Kokeskia, you have completed within one minute?

When we did KCPE, he scored 130 out of a possible 700. No secondary school could accept him then. His father used to own three tractors and saided because education was not entering him well well, he becomes a driver of one.

By the time we finished form 4, Koskei owned one old tractor.

After high school, I came to Nairobi to further my education.

I wented and did Ms. Word majoring in Gynecology of true. Before I finished Gynoring, he had over 7 tractors of John Deere and two combine harvesters.

A few months ago, I wented to Rumuruti and got stuck in the mad near Baragoi. Small, a guy with tractor was passing. It was Koskei. He pulled me until Rumuturi where Rami starts.

I asked how much he will charge and telled me he cant charge me because I used to show him mathematics when we were reading class 8.

After we parted, I was telled that Koskei now owns over 200 acres of ngano land in Narok, owns a few houses of stairs here and there and over 15 tractors.Now, a faster one and you need to hear this.  Koskei has 3PMs and manages them well like nothing. While here it is impossible to manage even one, he does it effortlessly yet no education used to enter him.

Now, if I go to Rumuruti or Kinamba or Sipiri near Baragoi and meet him, I bend small when greeting him because of respect of him making alot of money and he does not do himself. I actually dont talk much because it is sin to talk too much infront of a person who has more money that you. And still drives one tractor and ploughs with it like an employee. And he has not even a small stomach. Not like us who when we smell money from far, stomach starts protruding until you cant differentiate us from pregnant persons.

As I was eating meatless bones this afternoon near Muthurwa, I remembered Koskei. Head telled me that if he sawed me eating ugali with bones, instead of real meat or Shikens, he would repay himself by laughing until all his ribs break apart because we laughed at him 20 years ago for copying a simple science and Agri mock. Head was telling me that while am swinging bells in River road at my clinic treating difficult persons who cant pay without bargaining, infact some wants to pay in Kind, Koskei is buying another tractor of John Deere. Infact if the CEO of CMC hears that Koskei is at the showroom, they will abandon all their duties and go to attend to him personally.

So, what am I trying to say? Instead of swinging bells there, you can become a Koskei in your own right. If education was not entering you, stop pushing yourself where you dont belong. Look inside you and do what education cant; Making more money than those of us who thomed small..

Cheers!!

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & Former Classmate of Koskei.