Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Tales of Long Beans

I have telled you before that after I cleared high school,so that I can be sent to Nairobi, I temporarily 'joined' a company of the villagers that drinks bangi and climbs all thuruari on head persons in the village with impunity, thus earning a very bad name for themselves among the villagers. So that I am not destroyed like them, Moshe Dayan quickly sent me to Nairobi to live with my sisters as I waited for exams to remove.

When I came to Nairobi, I went to live with my sister in Dandora. In the same plot, there was a persons, quarter Taita Taveta, quarter, lake sider, quarter Cambodian and the other quarter Ukuyu because she could understand and speak Ukuyu. She was living with relatives as well and had cleared Std 8 but could not proceed further because either financial or she had falled flat in her KCPE.

What I cant remember very well though, is if she had good figure or not. We never gave figure any value then, what mattered was if one had a cute face and was yellow yellow; the rest were secondary. Where I come from anyway, we never used to mind if a persons had thutha big enough to make her heels
not rained or had an hourly glass figure, or if she was tall, or if she could speak good English. We had few, if any at all to have a choice anyway.

One day, I requested her to allow me to make her bean tired. After haggling for days, she agreed.

After my sister left for work and her relatives were away, she sneaked into the house.

In that house,it was permanently dark even when sun was at mid day. When time for climbing reached, she requested me to switch off the light. I did not take it as a big deal because same in my village, they used to first inserted inside blanket to remove clothes so that you dont see her nakedness. I hear the seeing her nakedness was only reserved to those to marry them or something like that. We never used to mind anyway because our chief aim was to pour and that was that. The same way you see a cock chases a hen or where a he-goat jumps on a goat, it inserts, removes and the business gets closed, there was no difference.

Unlike today where I must see what I am eating, I quickly agreed and switched off the light. When she was removing, I remembered that I cant roll on makobosto in the dark. So, I reached the switch and putted on. She was standing there, now in the process of removing "Omo with Powerform" t-shirt. Lifting eyes small, my eyes quickly rolled until her titta. After all, thats where the eyes first land on a naked persons.

What I saw shocked the hell out of me. I shouldnt have switched on the lights soo soon. A long karunguthu hanging like a small josto. Exactly like ajosto of a baby. I inserted cold until my josto returned to stomach. Since I was born that was my first time to see a protruding bean! Where I come from, as you all know, our persons are not gifted with long beans. No single persons has, even today, unless those that have drunked medicine to lengthen it or those that are originally, by blood not from the lineage of Gikuyu and Mumbi.

In head, I thoughted that she was a hermaphrodite that we read about in school. Let cold insert me. Little did I know later,rather came to appreciate later that ‪#‎longbean‬ is every woman's dream, every woman's jewel.

She saw my worry that was registered all over my face. She jumped in bed and inserted inside blankets and covered herself.

I went straight to my head and telled it to tell josto to ukia again because I was about to embarrass myself. I telled head to tell josto that it was not the first to climb a hermaphrodite.

After rolling makobosto on a flaccid josto, I switched off the lights and joined her in bed. I touched touched brookies small to convince myself that she wasnt a hermaphrodite and when tree stood small, I jumped and convinced myself that I was climbing a normal persons. I would try to force an airless josto but where. I attempted and attempted to force it up until she was tired. Believe it or not, I did not ukia nor pour.

An year later, when I joined college to do Ms office, the village in me started to dissapear when I heard people talk about how good persons must have a long runguthu. To drive the point home or force it down my throat, Theuri, my friend and my neibor in the village and another guy called Murira Ikihia na Ciahia Agakira (Crier of when cooking and when cooked stops crying) took me to Luthuli's New Aden. From first floor, trappers were sitting on corridors without thuauri. He would tell them that he wants the one with the longest runguthu. They would pull it for him to see, then Theuri would say not big enough until we reached fouth floor. Fourth floor had the youngest and the prettiest. I climbed one with a big runguthu and the way tree was coiled by runguthu until I appreciated the beauty of hanging ruthungu.

After that first escapade of longbean, I remembered what I saw in that persons of Dandora. I looked for her until I found out that she was now working at a bar in Lungalunga slum.

I traced her until there. Within a short time, her long bean was coiling on my josto almost every other weekend. I would then go and recount my escapade to my friends in college and they would ukia like satan and beg me to introduce them they feel like me even if small.

Everytime my tree would stretch small, I'd go to Lungalunga, rent a room that was going for 150 shillings and climb until morning. In that room of iron sheets, they used to keep one basin in the room and outside, they used to put a tank of water. So, on your way to bathroom, 50 meters away, you would draw water from the tank and go queue to enter bathroom. At times, if it was day time, I would go to her house (she had given me a key to her house). But in head, I was suspecting that that she was being climbed by atleast one other man.

One day, at around 6PM, my tree stetched untill knee. I went to OTC and took a bus (all those mats were dilapidated and it was a rule by the owners of that route to only bring 1960s mats) until lungalunga. Since we didnt have phones then, sometimes it was chancing because you wouldnt know if rain was there or not.

I met her serving her customers at a bar she was written.

After buying me a soda, I asked "

"Kianda nikuega?" (Is down good?)

She telled me "ini, nduthie u book rumu, umuthi niukunogia njagi proper" (Yes, down is good. Go book a room, you will make the bean tired proper)

I paid 150 shillings and went to the room to wait for her to come after she close the bar, normally at around 10 PM since I did not have money to buy dogogio.

I kept myself on the dirty bed, tree stretching until near ceiling, waiting for 10PM to arrive I feel bean stretching on my zigzag.

Small, sleep catched. I woke up at 11PM. From far, I could hear noise coming from the bar, indicating that she had not closed yet. I returned to doze. I woke up again at 12.30, though the noise was dimmer, there were still people in the bar, meaning the bar wasnt closed.

I catched sleep again and when I woke up, it was 3AM. There was no noise even small. I refused to know if she had carried me babish for the first time.

I tiptoed out until bar and saw it was closed. I tiptoed until her house. Using the key she had given me since long time, I opened and peeped inside. I saw a man, closely resembling Theuri in deep sleep and snorting loudly. Head telled me that Theuri had jumped me.

Besides him was my pesons. When she heard someone open, she lifted her head up small. She had not slept because she knew my devils and what I was capable of doing like my fellow students who could throw stones at police and innocent motorists for a stupid reason like losting of electricity.

Feeling gikindi choking me, I returned to room, almost crying and not knowing myself at all.

I kept myself in bed and tried to catch sleep but where. Head telled me to cry but tears could not come out. I refused to know what sort of a man can do that to me, be it Theuri or anyone else for that matter.

As I tossed myself in bed, I saw the basin of washing. Head telled me to pour cold water on them.

I went and drew water with the bucket, then opened the room of that persons slowly, until all door was fully opened. I then splashed all water in the basin on them, locked the house from out and in full speed fled to my room.

Before I fled, I heard the man shout "ngaingai ngai nuu ucio?" who is that? In that deep voice, it did not sound like Theuri.

Later, I was told by a neibor next door that when he finished to say ngaingai ngai, that persons was slapped 4 powerful kimanyoko slaps until she fainted. When she woke up, she was asked who that man was and why she would even dream of cheating on him with other men and besides, in a house that he pays.

When she hesitated to talk, she was kicked and kicked, almost being killed until she saided that "uuui...Mwaninikiii.... ndukanjurage, egagwo Cohi ni student was Universal college na e room 9" (He is called Wanjohi, he is in room no. 9 and is a student of Universal college)

I had locked myself in side the room and could hear the commotion from far. In head, I knew that I was fucked up. The man removed out and kicked the door of the next room to his and entered with the door. He kicked all doors, vowing to kill whoever that Cohi was. When he reached my door 9, I was already urinating on myself.

He told me to open and that he was going to kill me. He asked me if I knew him and saided no. He telled me that he was a robbery with violence and has killed so many and I will be another statistic. Small, I heard twaff twaff twaff, 3 shots in the air. Kumbe the guy was a real robbery with violence and he was the one who had kept that persons.

After the shots, I diarrhead on myself. I then started to plead with him to spare me.

"Aki kiongozi, hata mimi nafikirianga huyo ni bibi yangu. hata mimi naripaga hio nyumba, aki usiniue"

By my good luck, when he fired in the air, he attracted the attention of some APs that had a camp near. The APs, out of fear, I guess also fired several shots in the air. Instead of waiting for me to open so that he can finish me, he fled the scene.

I did not waste another minute there. I removed from there and walked until my cousin's in Kariobangi. I did not tell him what had happened and why I had diarhoead on myself until 5 years later.

From then, I saided, never to go to a persons house unless I am the one that pays and two, if a persons carries me babish, I agree with her entirely that I am a baby like she is carrying me. It saves alot.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & APOLOBE (Appreciator Of Long Beans)

Friday, February 21, 2014

Why You Should Never Help a Persons Dress Back Her Thuruari

Have you ever done/not done something to a persons and it made her throw saliva out for years?

Well, there is this persons I saw today as I was swinging bells in town and she reminded of an event that happened more than 15 years ago. Yes, way back in 1998. And 15 years later, she cant even answer a simple hi from me, even with heart.

In that year, I was still a pupil at Universal (now University) college where I was pursing Ms Word. Every time we closed school, either due to strike or vocation, I used to go live with my sister in Dadora since I did not want to go back to the village to till land, prune/harvest and carry coffee to the factory, cut napier grass for cows and milk them and take milk to the dairy etc etc. My Moshe Dayan was however happy of me not going to the village because he used to think I will drink bangi.

One Saturday evening, there is a persons friend to my sister who had come for a sleep over. She was a pupil like me, though at another college doing Secretary and Reception. She looked exactly like sun. Real sun. She was spotless yellow yellow, momo small (those days, everyone used to salivate at momo persons, unlike today, where most people purport to want extremely malnourished persons, although I know its for PR purposes only so that you can look sophisticated. Its like someone who carries 3 sleek large phones. To others, you are sophisticated, to me, its still a Shina phone. Outside public limelight, they go for momos because they say that they get knocked knocked by hip bones of extra malnourished. But they get the best 180s ever).

This persons also used to speak in a cloaking sexy voice. Arafu ndangiurirwo gatende ona hanini (She also could not be rained on on her heels, even small). Complete umbrella. That means, Vera sidika and other thutha endowed socialite would be ashamed of themselves if they compared their thutha with hers.

Tomorrow of that day, Sunday afternoon:

My sister was going to a chama meeting. When she was leaving, she telled her that she will stay for only two hours, so she should not get bored because two hours is small.

After my sister left, satan whispered to me in ear that when a hyena is left with a sheep in the same closet, it eats the sheep and wipes mouth. I saided I will do exactly like a hyena.

She was sitting on the bed and I was sitting on the only stool in that house. We beated stories with no legs for like 30 minutes, then satan whispered to me that if I dont borrow and climb within two hours, it will be eating her with eyes only.

I closed one eye and she smiled. I closed the other one and she smiled more. Those days, and at that age, as you all know, there was no sophisticated miborrowing techniques. You ask direct what you want and only when you mean it. Telling persons what you want there and then. "ndirenda kunogia njagi yaku (I want to make your bean tired) ndirenda kuringa indo (I want to beat your things), or ndirenda guthigithania mbini gi pawa! (I want to rub rub my josto on your tiita with power), or rehe murigo ndi unogore (Bring your things I stretch it) and that would be that. If she said NO, she meant thuruari was on head. If she said YES, she meant book room now now. Those days, persons never used to say that money talks and mbullshit takes the bus. Men never used to know the power of money and the persons never used to know the power of what they carried between their legs. No single persons knew. Rather, no single persons of our age knew. They were only looking for men to marry, not to make them rich.

I moved closer and in ear, I telled her that I wanted to kunogia njagi proper. It is that me, I started to touch touch brookies. Small, she fell on the bed breathing heavily like a paffander. Head telled me she had ukiad full speed and it was time for me to act. I removed her thuruari and threw at the legs of bed, then upped her skirt. I then unbuckled her bra and upped her browse.

Her tiita was as clean as her forehead. No single hair and no single spot of scratch from razor. I concluded that ither she was bald on that area or she had seen the light before her age by shaving clean. Remember we didnt have internet to tell people to shave those days.

Let me ukia. Let me ukia. Her brookies were also standing straight, no falling even small. I touched touched making her say mbus now. Those days, I had not learnt about sucking tiita, I was still green in these things as some of you are today. There are men who are still green in ramnyaring persons, they say, like my friend Akuku that they cant suck. They still live in the 1800s. Those men are beyond help. Akuku stops everything he was doing to hear me say how I sucked. Although he listens with frown face and like vomiting, he asks me to say it I am lying or if its true. He is also beyond help.

When I was about to remove my clothes, I remembered I did not have makobosto and I could not chance climbing without because of her getting stomach. Getting stomach was the only thing we feared. If she got stomach by you, she became your PM, liking or not, even if you were a pupil like me.

I removed out, with tree stetching ten meters ahead of me until out. Among the problem I had, like having a ten meter pole stretching from my trouser, I had another one. I could not buy makobosto from any shop nearby because of reasons even scientists have never been able to unravel. No single scientist can tell you why. So, I walked to a shop that was a kilometer away.

In every shop I inserted, if I met an elderly woman or man that did not have a friendly face manning the shop, I could not buy. As you all know, there are men that were born stupid and are beyond help. Buying from them, you can find one asking you who you are going to climb and why, others will tell you to be born again and stop prostituting, others will write on facebook that "Cohi just bought 3 packets of makobosto from his shop and I know his girlfriend. Who is he going to climb?" Others will ask you in loud voice "unakata Trust ama studded? Packet moja ya condom itakutosha kijana?" so that anyone within a radius of one kilometer will know you boughted makobosto. So, to avoid that, you first look at his face, if it looks friendly, scan around the shop to certain he stocks makobosto. If you see none on display, buy panadol and go to another shop.

Unlucky for me, all the shops in that radius were being manned by elderly women or men that looked either saved or not friendly or stupid.

When I realised that I was not getting a place to buy makobosto, I returned back to the house and a hundred percent sure that I cant climb without makobosto.

By the time I reached the house, two hours were only remaining 5 minutes, meaning my sis was almost returning from Chama.

I touched touched tiita and sucked brookie small, then telled her that I did not get makobosto. But I did not tell her that I cant climb without makobosto even if what.

She started to pant in earnest again. I touched and touched and touched and sucked brookie making her pant more until she almost now fainted. Looking at watch on the wall, 10 minutes had passed two hours, the max time my sis was to return.

I telled the persons that since my sis was about to return, we cant do anything. She did not talk. Her thuruari was at the legs of the bed. I telled her to take her thuruari and return. She did not respond. I started panicking now because 20 minutes had passed the max 2 hours and I couldnt stand my elder sister even suspecting that. I prayed that my sis stays stays small for atleast another 20 minutes so that this one can agree to return thuruari.

I tapped tapped her on her head so that she could hear well about returning thuruari but where. She just lay there with her legs wide open as if she was telling me to insert josto or die trying.

Seeing like its she had gone unconscious, I took upon myself to return her thuruari. I picked her pink thuruari and inserted in one leg and paused small to see if she will lift the other leg or return it herself but where. I pulled the other leg together with alot of force coz it was like it was experiencing stiffness or an objectl had been placed in between her legs. Finally, I managed to insert the other hole of thuruari. I then pulled it up until where the mass of thutha lies. With stamina of a young energetic guy, I pulled all of it, lifted her mass thutha, rolling her side to side , then pulling it up until it fitted until up. I did it expertly like a person who had gone to school to study "returning of thuruari " course. I then pulled the skirt down , buckled her bra and neated her and made her lie facing wall.

After I finished that enormous task that took me well over 20 minutes, my sister knocked and entered. The persons pretended to be asleep and when she "woke up", an hour later, she telled my sister that she will go home because she had a class early in the morning.

From that day, she had never ever talked to me. Every time I tried to say hi, she used to throw saliva out.

But I knew why. If you ever try to return a persons thuruari, thats what you get. Saliva getting thrown out. They cant forgive you. Better cheat on her than return her thuruari, either having climbed or not. You can only help a persons remove thuruari but bot return thuruari. Who does that anyway?

But I pride myself with honour and humility of holding one prestigious accolade that no one holds in the whole of Eastern and Central Africa, Europe and America, Shina, from North pole to South pole and vice versa. I pride myself as the only man who has ever helped a persons RETURNED thuruari.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi Mundu Strong.

Snr. Gyno. Ex FAPORET & GRARETHU (Grand Returner of Thuruaris)

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Githeri "Deal" I Dont Want Again.

I have just come back from lunch. Not from the newly discovered bones place where you can eat 3 sizable bones and soup with Ugali for 50 bob. Theuri has another joint that sells Githeri and other foods but Githeri is cheapest there. Githeri plain goes for a 100, with meant is 250.

Today, he telled me that we will eat Githeri with meat at only 150.

What happens is that he has a deal with a ka persons of kitchen. Meat is putted at the botton while top layer is covered with Githeri. Later, the persons of kitchen takes 50 bob per plate... so, you eat Githeri of 250 at 150. Saving 100 bob at one go is not bad mathematics at all. But it is not as easy as you think and thats why I dont want that Githeri of deal again.

When we entered, he closed eye on the persons of kitchen and showed two finger salute, meaning he wants two plates of Githeri to be smeared with meat at the bottom.

When 'Githeri' was putted on table, I took spoon and as I was mixing githeri to mix with meat so that Githeri can taste all meat, Theuri shouted in loud voice as if someone was about to be shot

"Wee wanjohi kai uraguruka? ( Wanjohi are you getting mad?)

I ask why. He looked at me badly and asked "Niki ureka riu? Nu urakuira uruganie? tamba urie nyama iyo yaumira hau iguru. No nginya urute nyama na mubango musheji uyu. Mangiona nyama thanine yaku ukuga yauma ku? Giki ni githeri plain, nyama ni cia mubango" (What are you doing? who told you to mix? Ebu first eat that meat that has popped up on your githeri. You must eat with style man. If they see that meat, where will you say it removed from yet this is supposed to be githeri plain. This food is not supposed to have any meat. meat is for deal".

Faster faster, I ate that meat before I was caught. From then, to eat a piece of meat, I was looking right, left, back and front and when no one was looking, I remove a piece from inside and inserted in mouth, then chewed as if it was Githeri I was chewing.

Let me say, it was delicious but I have ated all with tension like of satan. I was sweating you could have thought I had been rained on. But next time, I will reject the offer... let me not be able that style.

If you are the owner of that restaurant, please ring me on 0714 540 444 or Marshal on 0725 86 57 55 for free DOMAIN registration and WEB HOSTING with unlimited emails to say sorry. Meaning, you can create.. as many as emails you wish with unlimited disc space and bandwidth... eg...

wanjiru@yourhotel.com, muifi@yourhotel.com, accounts@yourhotel.com mzee@yourhotel.com etc etc.

I wanted to send you an email and tell you how you get stolen by the persons of Kitchen but realized your email is yahoo and its NOT good for a prestigious business like yours or it will filter emails to spam, thereby escaping your roving eye. I will offer you that for free.. mangai.

Or visit...

http://sawawebhost.com/ for more details.

And to the readers here.. if you need a gooder deal, halla and talk your case. Laking money should not stop you.. we can talk small.

I am,

Dagitagi Wanjohi,
Snr. Gyno, River Rd. Inc.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

BREAKING NEWS

I just made a major discovery. Biig discovery. I discovered another place of Matubo you can eat with less than 50 bob. Kwanza tu hell with Matubo now. In that place, menu includes 3 sizable bones (the ones removed all meats) and soul fills plate until it pours out. Na bei ni fashirire... !!! aki ya nani. kwa Mama Otis tumehama... Even supu of saucer is being added without being looked bad.

And as I was chewing the bones near Muthurwa, I remembered an event that happened about 20 years ago when someone mentioned that KCPE started today.

I was in class 8 and we dided mock exam in preparation for KCPE.

I happened to have tied top marks in Science and Agriculture with a boy named Koskei.  He was born Kipkoskei but when his  tree was peeled, he removed Kip and remained Koskei. They used to say that Kip means Kipii, so once you shedded part of your tree, it was mandatory to shed Kip too.

Our science and Agriculture teacher, a Mr. Birgen refused to know something. Where i failed, Koskei failed, where i gotted right he gotted right. from Question one to 60th question.

This Koskei boy was blessed with one thing. Repeating every class he entered. He repeated every class, not skipping even one without repeating that class. Education was entering through one ear and removing through the other ear as fast as it entered.

Mr. Birgen called us both and saided we be clapped for scoring 86%. Everyone in class felled under the table because they knewed someone had copy pasted from the other and it wasnt me. Mr. Birgen then instructed all pupils to laugh at Koskei for stealing exams from the leader of science and Agri.

During the exam, Koskei used to finish first.. withing the first 10 minutes. All he used to do was to guess the choices and tick for all questions, without reading any of them at all. He would then lift his hand and say,

"Esgus me disha, galeiiiii, egzam momite " (Escuse me teacher, atiriri, my exam is finished ").

Mr. Birgen would reply "Galeiii Kosgei, Momite all na ndagika agenge? (Atiriri Kokeskia, you have completed within one minute?

When we did KCPE, he scored 130 out of a possible 700. No secondary school could accept him then. His father used to own three tractors and saided because education was not entering him well well, he becomes a driver of one.

By the time we finished form 4, Koskei owned one old tractor.

After high school, I came to Nairobi to further my education.

I wented and did Ms. Word majoring in Gynecology of true. Before I finished Gynoring, he had over 7 tractors of John Deere and two combine harvesters.

A few months ago, I wented to Rumuruti and got stuck in the mad near Baragoi. Small, a guy with tractor was passing. It was Koskei. He pulled me until Rumuturi where Rami starts.

I asked how much he will charge and telled me he cant charge me because I used to show him mathematics when we were reading class 8.

After we parted, I was telled that Koskei now owns over 200 acres of ngano land in Narok, owns a few houses of stairs here and there and over 15 tractors.Now, a faster one and you need to hear this.  Koskei has 3PMs and manages them well like nothing. While here it is impossible to manage even one, he does it effortlessly yet no education used to enter him.

Now, if I go to Rumuruti or Kinamba or Sipiri near Baragoi and meet him, I bend small when greeting him because of respect of him making alot of money and he does not do himself. I actually dont talk much because it is sin to talk too much infront of a person who has more money that you. And still drives one tractor and ploughs with it like an employee. And he has not even a small stomach. Not like us who when we smell money from far, stomach starts protruding until you cant differentiate us from pregnant persons.

As I was eating meatless bones this afternoon near Muthurwa, I remembered Koskei. Head telled me that if he sawed me eating ugali with bones, instead of real meat or Shikens, he would repay himself by laughing until all his ribs break apart because we laughed at him 20 years ago for copying a simple science and Agri mock. Head was telling me that while am swinging bells in River road at my clinic treating difficult persons who cant pay without bargaining, infact some wants to pay in Kind, Koskei is buying another tractor of John Deere. Infact if the CEO of CMC hears that Koskei is at the showroom, they will abandon all their duties and go to attend to him personally.

So, what am I trying to say? Instead of swinging bells there, you can become a Koskei in your own right. If education was not entering you, stop pushing yourself where you dont belong. Look inside you and do what education cant; Making more money than those of us who thomed small..

Cheers!!

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & Former Classmate of Koskei.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

When Theuri Got Saved Temporarily.

Theuri has temporarily renounced satan. He is now a mini convert and is greeting his PM, "Bwana asifiwe".

Theuri's main talent lies heavily in telling lies with no end. That is why its not easy to believe his stories. I telled you before that if he hears a story, he can retell it until you will think that it indeed happened to him. That is why its not easy to buy this story he beated us last night, but it was hilarious.

We were beating dogogio last evening at Bee Centre near Kayore with him, Akuku and MPESA where meat and dogogio is pocket friendly. Small, we started to look at each other. We looked at each other until we started to suck glass since no one was willing to throw a round.

Theuri asked Akuku to buy a round, he saided unless he will climb the drinker. When MPESA was asked, he asked if he will buy with bells. When I was asked, I saided unless he has satan in his head because he knew I was only feeling bells in my pocket.

When it reaches such situation, Theuri knows how to make beer flow effortlessly and without abuses; by removing a long story of giant.

It is then that he started

"I nimui Kenyatta day mama yakwa irangorire ndithi kwa people ingi ya Church!" (Do you know on Kenyatta day, my PM found me at a persons house who is of church centre)

There there, we pulled chair inside inside to listen. Akuku then shouted

"Waiter, tarehera maraya ici mundu cufe imwe imwe na umere o mundu anyue arutite thuruari ndimahaice (bring one one beer for all these trappers and tell them to remove trousers I climb them)

And because abuses does not stick on your body, we saided let it come and if he has more abuses, let him throw them and throw another round as well.

Theuri then continued to beat us the story.

On Kenyatta day, Theuri wented to this persons house. She lives near his hood.

His PM had been given wind by enemies of his home about this persons, who they go to church together and is of choir centre. He had been warned that his hubby was seen several times with this persons. The enemies of his home telled him that he has also been seen entering her house.

On this day, she decided to lay a trap on him.

20th was Sunday. After church, Theuri putted legs on table as he read Sunday nation. Small, an sms came. It was from that persons of choir. It siaded "Njukitie ta ngoma" (I have ukiad like satan). There there, he remembered her big thuthats and brookies that have never been sucked by any baby in this world, even small. Theuri's tree stooded. He smsmed "Ndiroka o riu. Ruga kanyama kena firifiri na thufu muingi ndi njira" (Cook meat with pepper and much soup, I will be on my way"

It is Theuri, until his persons. He knocked and the persons opened door. She was in a night dress made of musquito nets material. Even when he had closed eyes, he could view clearly, her big runguthu hanging. He wanted to jump and start sucking it but she telled him to relax. He was putted meat of pepper and soup and rice. He was telled when he finish eating, they go to bathroom and wash body together so that it can be world class climbing.

AS he was eating, he was refusing to know how that meat was not finishing. He had eaten so much yet the plate looked full. Halfway, the persons came and sat opposite him. He looked at her brookies that had never been sucked by a baby pointing at him. He left food and jumped on them.

He sucked and sucked and small, he threw all his clothes on the floor. He then helped her undress her net.

Small, his tree was dancing inside her tiita. Then she telled him she come up where she started to jump jump up up on his josto.

Even before he could pour, they heard a knock on the door. She removed herself and went to check who was knocking. In her head, she was thinking it was her neighbor or a guy of takataka coming for his money since she was not expecting any visitor. Theuri was left lying in the seat facing up as his tree stooded sharp right.His josto is not like mine which stands coiling. IN his head, he was cursing whoever was knowing, disturbing the hot session.

She walked naked until door. She opened small, hiding her body from door so that she can hear what the visitor was saying.

On opening small, Theuri's PM entered with door. Theuri refused to know who was that that entered owners house as if she wanted war.

On looking, his PM was standing there. In his head, he thoughted he was dreaming. He piched himself to hear if its a bad dream. He saw he was not waking up.

On seeing Theuri with a standing tree, she started to scream in the loudest voice ever "uuui ukai muone. Mumaraya wa mutimie na hindio etuaga muhonoki uuu"
(uui, come and see, a trapper of a woman, and that time, she is of church)

When Theuri heard that most noise and anger was not first directed at him, he knew it was an opportunity to plead his case.

He jumped up, with now his tree without pressure, and telled his pm "Nyina Chris, reke nguire. Wa mebere ni ngai wakurehe guku thaa ici tondu hatiri undu ndakorwo ndeka. Nie ndioi ni ngoma iriku cinyitire. Uyu muiretu niwe ahenereirie njuke gwake, riu ndikumenyaga ni mitugo iriku akuendaga. Ngai ni munene woka thaa ici ugiririe maundu maria mangioneka na wiyonere niguo ngoma aconoke. Uyu muiretu akuendaga kuhingica" (Mother of Chris, let me tell you. First, it is God that has brought you here because you have come at the ample time when I had not done anything. I dont know which satan entered me. I dont know what this woman was upto. Thank God, you came in time to stop what was about to happen and also see for yourself and shame the devil. She wanted to lead me astray)

Small, his PM ran to her to tear her apart but she dashed to the bedroom and locked herself there. She threw abuses and killed things in the table room,but did not touch him. He was fearing she will throw things to him but she couldnt. She knows Theuri is fire to bask from far. You cant try violence on him because she has seen him fight big guys before. As she killed things in the table room, Theuri returned clothes.

AS he was beating us the story, all our ribs were dry, despite us knowing very well that this was a story he had made up. MPESA asked waiter to bring two two for each of us.

Theuri then continued with the story.

Kumbe there was a persons who was monitoring them and reporting live to the PM. The kind that does not like good things for anyone. Their work is to destroy what is not destroyed. The persons saw him enter and telled PM to come and burst them live. Although she was doubting the source, she came and confirmed her worst fears.

After crying and crying, she removed her phone and started to call all people she knew.

The first person she called was her pastor. She saided "Ta imagini ndakora Theuri kwa Mercy. Mercy etuaga ni wakanitha no ni mumaraya wa guthiaga na athuri ene. Ndamakora me nui eri nyumba" (Imagine I met Theuri at mercy's. Mercy pretended to be saved but is a trapper of woman snatching and going with people's husbands. I have met them naked completely)

Second phone, all her sisters and brothers. Even her mother was called and telled how Theuri was caught in a "trappers" house naked with tree standing.

When she was done with calling all people she knew, Theuri telled her

"Nie ngoma iyo ikuendaga kunyingira nindamikuma piu. PIU!! Irotoma piu!! Kwanja ninguhonoka riu. ngai umwe. Tuthie kwa pastor Muiru honoke honoke thaa ici thaa ici. Kana wite pastor wanyu. Caitani ndaranyedera wega ona hanini (That devil that wanted to enter me, I rebuke it completely. Kwanza I want to get saved right now. Lets go to Pastor Muiru I get saved right now. Or call your Pastor I get saved. Satan does not want anything good for me"

She looked at him still crying uncontrollably. In his head, he was refusing to know why whoever sent the PM there could do that. To what benefit was he/she to derive from the drama? He refused to know.

Her PM saided "Pastor aroka haha o thaa ici tucire, tiga kuiyugithia uguo (Pastor is coming here we case. Stop kuisayithia that)

Small, Pastor came. Despite the presence of the pastor, she did not remove from bedroom.

It is then Theuri telled Pastor, "Nie wambere, nyuma hakuhi kuhitia. Ndinakorwo ndeka undu. No tondu caitani kinya madharau enamo ri, umuthi ndirenda kuma kwa waing'a piu piu. Ndirenda uhusiano wakwa na shaitani uthire piu (One thing, I was about to sin. I had not done anything though. But because satan is bringing madharau, today, i want to remove from him completely. I want to severe any contact with him).

Theuri telled us that the pastor, in his heart was laughing and refusing to know why he was so stupid to be caught. He was drawing how he will be coming to that persons of choir and climbing and not getting caught.

Theuri was telled to kneel and was made to say the prayer of defecting from Satan's and having his name written in the book of life.

Even after getting saved, his pm never forgave him completely. She telled him that she had heard about that relationship and that she will never trust him again, even small.

Good completion of the story was rudely interrupted by us getting drunk by dogogio piu that kept flowing even from next table neighbors who were listening to Theuri.

But I can remember him saying that he has been greeting his pm "bwana asifiwe sana" Although she accepts those greetings, she putted conditions for him. Some are tough some are not. One of them was, not to put phone code on his phone and two, the toughest one to be home by 10 daily. The other one, as a saved one, he was telled leave dogogio completely. The last one was to stop lying.

Since 20th, it was the first time he had tasted dogogio and going home past 10PM.

We asked him what he will tell his pm, if he has returned back to satan.

He telled us that when he reaches his gate, he will start to sing...

♪♫ ♪♫ ndahunyokire ngiuma kwa waing'a, jethu akinjoya, akihuba riri wa uhonoki.
(I had pararad when I was removing from satan's, jesu took me, and putted me glory of salvation)

♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ Wanjohi, Akuku na Mpesa matire mauma kwa waing'a, no ndamahunjiria, manjira onao nimakuma kwa waing'a. Kwa waing'a ndigacoka (Wanjohi akuku na mpesa they are still at satan's, but I have preached to them, they have assured me they will leave satan's. At satan, I wont return)

♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫ No andu amwe a kwa waing'a tiega onhanini, nimatuma ngunde, iri mihehu, no ndigucoka kumahunjiria (People at satans are not good, they have made me drink two cold ones. I will not return to preach to them.)

♪♫ ♪♫ ♪♫Kwa waing'a nindacoka, gwake ringi, nindacoka, Kwa waing'a mundu ekoraga kuo, (At satan's, I am back, at satan's I am back, at Satan, you find yoursel there.)

I am,

Dagirari Onjohi

Snr Gyno, FAPORET (Fastest Pourer In Our Recent Times)

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Lifting Majonie Up Up Part 1

Two weeks ago, I promised to beat you a story of how I lifted a "Johnie" up up" at Sportsman's Arm in Nanyuki. Well,I didnt beat you the story because of some reasons related to Alshabaab. But today I will.

Majonie, for those who dont know, are those Europeans KDF guys that come to Nanyuki to do combat training. The Johnies once they come do themselves so much and take over Nanyuki, especially Sportsmans Arm hotel as it is their an extension of the UK embassy. If you cross their lines, they beat you like a baby. If they love your persons, they will beat you up in front of your persons and you can do nothing. They are so stupid, they cant know that we were there even when there was Bucaneer club where we used to dance when Keith Sweat was saying.

Now, lifting Johnie up up was a result of issues related to persons. Its a long story but I can try and shorten it small or start from the beginning so that you can know where I was coming by lifting a very dangerous Johnie up up.

There was this persons who, since 2010, had evaded putting it on head for me. She would drink my dogogio and before she could get eaten well, she would lost. It became a routine until I started to evade her, but once in a while, she would show up, I would try to borrow again, but she wold not put it on head for the leader again until I gave up completely on ever climbing her.

And its not that she was the kind that reserve it for future husbands or ants. No. She was a regular putter of it on head for other men except me. She did not refuse other men but me, I was seeing it either with heart or on clothes. And its not that she had heard with rumour that I was a trapper of man. No. She had been climbed by worse trappers than me.

One day we were beating dogogio with her and I asked her what I lack that she vowed never to put it on head for me. She telled me that if I wanted her to put it on head, I should buy her a fridge. I threw saliva out and refused to know if it has stairs or if it will stick in my josto so that anytime it standed, it would start climbing behind the scenes, even when swinging bells in River road.

I was refusing to know what premium value it had in excess of what Maura and I get when we go to massage parlors where we pay an average of 1500 (PS: BREAKING NEWS: That Buru Massage we go has upped the price since VAT came. It is now 2000!!! I had gone there with 2000 only in my pocket, the one doing me massage telled me "u know the price? I saided 1500. She saided 1500 with no massage, with massage, its 2000. I telled her I am a customer. She telled me Rent and cost of living has upped. So, I refused to know, if its just pouring, I would rather go to Luthuli and it is 300 bob, or wiat until night and go to Egessa, though with a risk of being stolen. So I saided, sawa, do both and walked home. But that persons who did me massage on that day was of Illuminati. confirmed true!! On both her laps, she was drawn two satans with horns facing front. So, when she putted legs at 140 degrees, I was trapped between two satans. Please, I did not like it oh)

I however promised her that I will buy her a second hand fridge from shylocks of her Kasarani Estate. There are many shylocks in every estate where people go to hang things when their pockets have dried or when they have drinked all money before end month.

But in head, I was telling her that she saw me at night, the only thing she will ever eat from me is by stomach and mouth. And anyway, if I had that extra money, I would throw it to Kamuti the co owner of Kigogoine Fashions so that he can add stock of clothes from Germany and Turkey.

About a week later, I was beating dogogio with Theuri at Gloria hotel when she called and telled me she has seen a good fridge at her hood's shylock that was costing 25k. She asked how I see. I telled her no problem, if she like, good. She telled me when to buy and telled her to wait small.

When I cutted phone I telled Theuri "Gashaitani ke hau kanguaga ta keino. Ati ndikagurire friji na nikaregire kuruta thuruari. Ta njira uria ngukaruma?" (Another satan there carry me like tiita? She wants me to buy her a fridge and she refused to put it on head. Ebu tell me what to abuse her?)

Theuri laughed small, then beated lips and saided "Iko uguo munene i, twi dugu, nima? (Do, this leader, we are friends, true?)

I saided like satan. He then telled me in ear "Iko uguo i, tuongithie mibera, nie na maraya yakwa kinya kiroko, na nie ngukuonia undu uguika, ukuria pipo iyo free, guarantee" (Do, this, buy me and my trapper dogogios until morning, and in turn, I will show you a guaranteed way you will eat that persons for free"

I trust Theuri when it comes to issues related to persons persons. We dont joke on such a serious issue.

He then telled me, "Why dont you go with that persons to Luthuli or supermarket and buy a fridge, but dont pick same day. Cite transport or any other logistics. Tomorrow of that day, go pick the fridge (without her) and sell it on Soko Kuu or sell to Shylocks at a very great loss? Si your problem is the aftermath feeling of pain when you imagin a persons is cooling beers of other men in her house in a fridge you boughted?

I thoughted of Soko nyeusi where I see people selling all manner of stuff and head telled me if I advertised, I would get a buyer fast because someone know reads my stories might die of mercy and buy it because it is me selling They might think thats the best way to repay me for writing stories of giants for free. There there, I knelt down to thank God for creating such an intelligent man like Theuri. Before I finished kneeling, he telled me

"Amba utige muhahi. Tiga kuhika muhahi ta ruharo. Muraya wa tata Susana arutaga wira ku?" (Stop excitements. Stop hurrying excitement like diarrhea. Tell me, where does Muraya of Aunt Susana?"

I saided XXX supermarket.

He continued "Do you know you can draw with him, you buy a fridge from there but dont pick same day. Tomorrow, say you have changed mind, citing bad reviews on the internet and ask for change of item or refund. He can easily organize to liaise with accounts so that a credit note is raised and in 3 days, you will have all your money back, 100%. You will only give him small money, like 5k"

I felt round round due to happiness. I telled Theuri because of him thinking like 5 men, I will put full tank AKUKU's Noah that can carry upto 10 people, to take us to and back Nanyuki tomorrow of that to get 180 putted outside Nairobi.

We called MPESA to come with us and Akuku got very happy because he had a persons who also had refused to put it on head for him and Nanyuki was the most ideal for her to put on head. MPESA saided he cant carry a persons from Nairobi while Nanyuki had all varieties that any man would die to climb.

There there, I called the persons and telled her if I should send her 25k to buy second hand, or if we can go buy a new one from a supermarket. However, it was just measuring her devils because even if she saided I send, she want second hand, I would not have sended.

She saided we go to supermarket. I telled her we meet at XXX as early as 11 AM. I then telled her if she would mind we go to Nanyuki after we boughted to eat happiness there. She siaded she loves Nanyuki to death.

The following day, armed with 21k in cash and 51k in mpesa, all with no use, I called her and already, she was at the rendezvous.

We inserted inside the branch of the XXX supermarket until 3rd floor where things of kitchen and fridges and cookers are kept. Earlier, I had called Muraya of Aunt Suzana and telled him my plot. He advised me to choose a fridge which we will later say we change to another brand so that it will not be possible to carry same day if she insisted on taking it home first.

She looked at all the fridges and choose one LG going for 35k. When she saw I had no worry, not asking her to choose a cheap cheap one, she asked if she can take a Micro wave. I almost telled her it causes cancer, then remembered that I was only buying her with heart, or shadowry, or in a movie, not in real life. I telled her to pick her choice. She picked one going for 8k.

I telled her if she had shopped all she wanted and saided yes. She then asked me "Sweerie, ama nichange nichukue ire (pointing at a slightly large going for 41k).

I telled her that all day was hers and I will go any mile she wants me to. We telled the attendant to change to that and he wrote the details of it on a paper and handed it to us to go pay.

In total now, I was supposed to pay 49k. I went to the counter, still in the same floor and handed the paper written some numbers. With loud voice, I saided "Do you have PDQ?" so as to appear sophisticated. He telled me yes. I then remembered the money was not in my nationhela that hardly works but on mpesa. I telled him if they have lipa na mpesa. He telled me yes. He then asked if I have the royalty card. I saided no.

He keyed in the figures, then gave me the mpesa lipa na mpesa paybill and amount to pay. When the receipt was generated, my face instantly turned wet because of the kisses I received from the persons. She telled me how she has loved me all along and how I am the greatest man after the one who invented money.

In head, I telled her that she saw me at night and what will get her on monday, she will refuse to know if I was born or curved. She will refuse to differentiate between satan and myself.

As we were about to "leave", my cuzo who is a supervisor came and asked me what we were doing there. I telled him we were there to buy a fridge. I showed him what we bought and he saided "aaaaaaaaa, why did you buy this? You should have taken this Samsung model. Its a more superior in quality, durability, service, fire consumption and its guarantee is more. And to make the matter worse, the price range is the same"

I putted my hands in my head in "regret" as if I was about to say chinekeee.

He consoled me and telled me that I can however change if I want. I saided I want. I asked the persons if she wants and she saided yes.

He then telled us that he has to raise a credit note, and then we will change to the brand we wanted. We saided he is the one that knows. He then warned us that we can only come for it on Monday because its a process to raise credit not and stuff. I telled him not to change, we will carry LG because we dont want to wait. The persons interrupted me and saided she will wait because after all, we were going to Nanyuki later that
afternoon. My heart smiled because it would have been another long story if she had agreed with me.

We filled some forms and left.

When we were leaving, she was looking at me as if I had turned from 'Fat Onjohi' to Brat Pratt. Its like I had become those Europeans that they hunt on the dating site on the internet.. In her head, she was refusing to know why she did not also say she wanted a 52" LED Samsung. She was refusing to know where this good man had been all those years. She regretted not having met me 10 years ago.

We then left and went to meet Theuri, Akuku and MPESA to arrange how to remove to Nanyuki.

At exactly 2 PM we removed from Nairobi until Nanyuki. On our way, I could tell, she was asking when night will come so that she can put it at 180 or further apart to the greatest man on planet earth.

To be continued once mpesa messages starts streaming in.

I am,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno & Chairman, DOGECAB (Dont Get Carried Babish)

Why Faulu Loans is Fire to Bask From Far

I was seated somewhere a while ago and like a person that does not have even one brain, I started to listen to a conversation of others. They were talking of how they will go to auction a shop of a person in their group who has failed to pay a loan for two weeks now.

It reminded a few stories I have about Faulu, among them, this I am going to beat you.

If you come to my village and mention Faulu Kenya, every homestead will throw saliva out and wish you all the bad things in life. This is because of the news that Faulu has shown them. 100% of them believe that Faulu, before they give you a loan, take it to a back dark room, like the way Muhindi takes salary of employees, sits on it and curses it so that it does not help the beneficiary.

The story of witched Faulu loan money started with Theuri. I am also a witness that Faulu money is cursed, just like salary of Muhidi or loans of shylock.

For those of you who have ever started a biz, there is that one business that has ever climbed you even kwa nyeni until you refuse to know where is front or back.

I telled you my first ever biz I wanted to start that did not even start was of selling cows of slaughter. You know that story where I was given money by my dad, The Moshe Dayan, to buy a bull for selling to be slaughtered. I went and bought the bull but did not carry it that same day from the seller because I did not have a place to keep and Moshe Dayan could not allow it in our homestead because he feared it will climb our cows and put them stomach. He did not want our cows to be putted stomach inferior breeds.

On Monday, the day of slaughter, I went to pick the bull early in the morning to take it for slaughter and make money. When I entered that homestead, I was met by a parade of sad people, among them the seller. But he was too sad to talk. With alot of sorrow, one villager telled me "Wanjohi niwakinyiruo ni uhoro? (Wanjohi, news have reached you?)

I said no news. Head was thinking somebody died.

He telled me "ndiraigua uragurire nduma guku ira, riu ndume yaku ndirakiheneirio ni jehofa(I heard you bought a bull here yesterday. I hear that bull was summoned by the creator)

I asked what he meant. He telled me it died suddenly without illness.

In anger, I protested to get refund saying the bull died in his hands but he made me undestand that it started being mine the moment I bought it. Even the local chief sided with the seller, thereby going to a total loss.

Now, with a stroke of bull's death, I was out of business just like that. Moshe didnt believe me, he believed I ate the money. Thats the price of loosing a business anyway.

Now, after Theuri finished to read how to draw houses, he did not find work and no one was willing to be drawn a house by a newbie. He ate problems until he returned to the village.

When I went to visit the village, he asked me how I can help him remove from village. I telled him to come to Nairobi to start a business, he needs to have some cash and he can easily get that from his father.

Since his Moshe Dayan was not an easy remover money, just like my Moshe, I advised him to employ the trick I did to get help from my Moshe. I started to be in company of bad boys in the village, those that drink bangi and bad behavior in village. When Moshe saw that I will be destroyed by bad company, he removed me from village and sent me to Nairobi.

Following my advise, Theuri started to follow a bad company of those drinking bangi and climbing persons of owners all over the village. His father, when he saw he will be destroyed, he called him at big house and asked him what business he would like to do in the big city. He saided he can do the business I do. His father telled him to first come and research what fits him.

He climbed a bus until Nairobi to ask me for ideas. I was in the biz of selling ropes of movies and to enter that business, one required to have alot of knowledge in movies, so I knew he would fail in that because he wasnt a village village man. So, I sold him an idea of a guy who was successful in selling tomatoes straight from shambas to Marigiti here in Nairobi.

I telled him we go look for him and ask him how it goes. He telled me that that woudl be a bad idea because no one can tell you the business he does so that you dont bring competition. He telled me that we should go to Marigiti and do our own research. With our reasearch, we established that the profits were more than double.

He went back to his Moshe and telled him he has found a business that will bring super profits. They did mathematics together again until the father bought the idea. But there was a small problem. The father did not have money, though had access to a loan facility at Faulu.

Theuri telled his father not to worry, it is him that will repay loan because the business must repay itself, come rain come sun.

The father run to Faulu and was given 80k. He handed over the money to Theuri.

It is that Theuri, until Nairobi. I took him to Mairigiti again to do more research. The brokers were so friendly, they even gave us the market of where good tomatoes were coming from in Naromoru. He even gave us brokers of farms who will ensure we will get tomatoes at good prices.

Following day in the morning, we went until Naromoru. We met the broker waiting for us. He took us round three firms and we settled for one, though all the prices were same same.

He then asked us if we came with our canter or he should organize. We telled him to organize one.

We then entered farm and the workers started harvesting. They were harvesting those that were red ripe packing them in crates, all valued at Kshs. 70k. At one point, they tried to insert those that are not ripe, those greenish, until Theuri protested vehemently. They looked at each other and smiled so hard until I saw the last tooth and packed only the red ripe.

In Nairobi, having sold 100%, it was supposed to bring around 180k. If you less 25k for transport, it was pure mega profit. In head, I started to refuse to know where to get 80k and start business of tomatoes and become rich so easily. Since I had no idea, and Moshe Dayan could not loan me anymore after the bulls business failed to take off, I started to draw how I will borrow some money from Theuri from the profits, to expand my ropes business so that I could incorporate cds. CDs were only sold by those with bells of steel and were bought by those very very rich people who could afford a cd player. Theuri in turn was drawing how he will climb two persons together to remind himself days of campus during time of boom from HELB.

We started the journey at around 11PM when policemen on road had gone to sleep. As we were coming, I was looking at Theuri and admiring him and refusing to know how one can come from the village and make more money in a day more than what I make in 3 months combined. I saided, anyway, of God does not leave you. What he draws for you must reach you, even me, one day, I will buy tomatoes in a full muguu kumi lorry.

Along the way, the lorry was eaten 6 times by policemen on road. The driver had telled us that the police money was ours because we had not paid the deposit as required by law of canters. We had negotiated with him to give him all his money once we reached Nairobi.

Let me tell you something. When richness is about to catch up with you, Satan puts uncountable huddles so that you can give up. When we reached past Karatina, one leg got punctured. To change, it took over an hour. The driver had calculated it will reach Nairobi by 4AM because thats when people start buying and here now, we will now reach at 5, a not so good scenario for that business.

We changed the leg and continued with the journey. When we reached near Juja, the lorry destroyed engine. It took hours to repair it, they completed repairing it at around 11 AM.

We started the journey again. As we were passing, sunlike persons, near Riverside roundabout, Theuri was teling himself that he will be calling those sunlike to come to him and if they dont come running, he will hit them with a note of a thousand and tell them to get away from him and call another. When he looked at people sleeping under a Mugumo tree where Thaa thathaiya ngai sect used to pray on Sunday, he refused to know why they didnt have a Moshe Dayan that was rich or could access loan at Faulu to give them and start a business instead of sleeping under a tree in Nairobi.

Small, we were at Marigiti. To insert a canter there, there are some money that is paid. Theuri paid and remained with nothing, even money of soda.

Peeping inside canter, some tomatoes had started to ooze because of ripping too much and sun. But to Theuri, that was not a problem. After all, people buy even those that ooze. Oozing doesnt make it less a tomato, so he telled himself.

After parking, I went in earnest to go look for the broker. When I found him, I telled him to down the price per crate with 50 bob which should be commission for finding business.

When we reached, he looked at the tomatoes and looked at us. Then asked, "Mwagura nyanya ihana uu niki? ka mugurukaga!!? ici no muendeirie andu chips mathondete tomato sauce. Kana muenderie mathai cia matumbi. Itingigurwo kinya ni kihii ici. Ona kuria no murie mtigage urimu" (Why did you buy tomatoes like these? Do you get mad? These ones, unless you sell to people of chips they make tomato sauce. Or you sell to maasais of eggs they make kachumbari. You cant sell even to a kipii. You can as well eat, so that you stop foolishness)

We looked at each other and knew we had hit a wall. Earlier, we had heard stories of how the brokers cheat that your products are unsellable so that they can buy them like blunt panga. Theuri telled me not to worry.

Another broker came and telled us to pour all tomatoes at a place he was charging at 500 bob inside inside so that people can come and buy. With speed of light, we looked for people to come do the work of removing from lorry to the field.

When we finished, all people were looking at the oozing tomatoes and refusing to know. They were looking from far as it it was alshabaab time bomb.

Small time, kanju came and asked whose tomatoes they were. We saided ours. They telled us that that was dumping. They wanted to arrest us. We bribed them with 4000 shillings. Theuri didnt have a coin, so I removed mine.

After one hour and not a single one had been sold, the driver started to demand his money. Argument ensured until I saw a problem was coming. Head telled me that the best thing for me was to lost. So, I stole myself until my shop of selling movies.

Theuri himself could not handle the pressure from the driver anymore. When drive looked otherwise, he stole himself and went to hide about 50 meters watching over his tomatoes.

Small, he saw the driver of cater leave. He then saw the canter leave and knew atleast one pressure was off him. He went back to his things. No one neared them. Only one women of soko came took one tomato and ate it, without asking whose it is or paying for that tomato.

When the owner of land where they had been poured saw even his 500 bob wont be seen because no one was buying, he started to demand his money. Theuri telled him he go collect in town. He refused refused small telling him to pay there there. He begged and was allowed to go. He did not return. He abandoned it and came to my shop.

When he came to the shop, he started to cry. His greatest worry though was what he would tell his Moshe Dayan about of the loss. In his head, he knew that no one would believe him and that was the truth.

But I telled him that his loss was not alone. I had gone loss too and the owner of canter had removed his lorry from Naromoru until Nairobi and back without getting a single cent, yet it had even destroyed and had no petrol to return.

We burst out laughing and I telled him, it is God that had planned that loss and it was in preparation of better things to come, just like Job of the bible, everything was taken from him but at the end of the day, God repaid him. He looked at me as if to tell me that God has not done good mathematics there because Faulu money is not of to be joked. He looked at me as if to tell me that his faith is very little to be tested like Job.

We agreed with Theuri that he should give his Moshe blackout until he makes money to pay the loan. In the village, story reached differently.

It was rumored that Theuri did not start any business at all. They saided that he ate money with trappers and that I was an accomplice. To be true to God, no one touched a trapper with that money. Only the "profit" money and it was in thought, not in real life. If the money was eaten by trapper, it is the trappers eaten by sellers and broker of tomatoes who duped us into buy ripened tomatoes. Tomatoes are bought when green, they come as they ripe once plucked.

But it wasnt easy to clear his name. It is his sister that cleared the loan after Faulu raided his home and confiscated three cows.

From then, and after observing a trend, both for us and other people, he concluded that Faulu is like Muhindi. Their money cant help anyone. They only attract more trouble in your life.

That is the story he went with in the village to be accepted back. And when he cited many faulu cases in that same village, his Moshe agreed with him entirely and siaded, he will be seeing them and throwing saliva out. The only place that does not bewitch its money, according to Theuri's moshe and everyone in my village, is Muiganania.

That is why, even today, if Theuri passes near marigiti, he looks otherwise. He points marigiti with elbow. And when he hears anything regarding selling tomatoes, whether new or old, or selling anything at Marigiti, you will refuse to know what has hit him because of the way he will remove.

But even if Faulu bewitches its money before dispatching, I learnt a few things.

1. It is not advisable to borrow a loan for (a) start up and (b) a business you have no idea of. If you make total loss, to be called by the father is easy.
2. Also, when doing biz you have no have no idea of, you leave the sellers laughing under the table for inserting you box.
3. When a business falls, everyone will say its trappers that made it collapse. They will say you ate the money with trappers. "katari maraya ni atige maheni".
4. When a business flourishes, they will not see the trappers even if you carry ten in car. They will congratulate you and say you are a genius.
5. If you take Faulu or any other loan money, make sure you use it according to the purpose you took it for. Dont divert even a single cent.
6. If everything else has failed, like you have reached end and Faulu want to come for your things, remove them and hide them. If your household stuff are the security, shift before they strike. If for eg, you live in Zimma, shift to Ngong or Rongai. They will be seeing you but cant fetch you, can only fetch your things.

I am

Dagitari Wanjohi
Snr. Gyno & FAPORET