Getting The Best Out of Everything.

If you think i am mourning because the biggest team in the world was climbed my an under-cat Arsenal wenger, you are wrong. One, we feel the way Arsenal and Chelshit fans feel everyday when they loose. At least they are used to loosing. Again,  in my village, we say "Gutiri muhaicwo na muhaicani" (there is no difference between the climber and the climbed). You all get to feel sweetness same same. The only instance when one feel bad is when one is dry or the other one fires blanks. In this instance, Arsenals were firing blanks because no matter how well they were drilling Man United, they aint going anywhere. They are still 6 shots behing. I even get more consolation from the bible because, somebody in that kateam will not see heaven with eyes. There was a guy that was kicked in the balls by Man U kicker and in Ezekiel 23:19-20 says, 'No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord"

Yesterdays match reminded me of some few years back when we were watching same teams play  and my team of course climbed that ka team. But the climax of the whole evening is what i will never forget until i get old.

I was with Theuri and others not before here as we watched football. After game, we extended late at night celebrating. We were not accompanied by people of out that day and we were not planning to have any. ( Infact, when i am watching football and we are playing against Arsenal, I dont carry woman oh. Rest i am assured she is not seeing. If i am accompanied by woman and she is raining, we loose. In other news, there are clubs i cant watch football from. If i watch footbal from that club, we loose or draw. Where i was jama is one of them).

After my team climbanad,  our eyes started to open wider and we see a lady with no company after her lady friend wa chips fungwad and she was left there alone. On seeing the lady  left alone, Theuri turned to me and said  "ngoma iria ti njuru. niukwenda kuria mundu?" (That devil is not had. Do u want to eat somebody?) I turn and look then i asked him "kai we utari na magego. Mite akorwo niurenda mundu nie ndirenda ( kwani you you dont have teeth? call her if you want, me is not interested). He then turned to a guy called Rukungu  "We rukungu, ira kairetu karia goke metha ino gote mwaki " (Rukungu, tell that lady to come to this lady she bask on fire) meaning, she come eat and drink for free. He was nicknamed Rukungu (dust) because he has been shown too many dust by business.

As if he was messager or small boy,he went to her and asked her to join our table, the boss want to buy beer. She did not hesitate and we buy alot of beer for her. Theuri is clever. When there are people of out with us, he pretends like he is the boss of bosses. He talks big and commands everybody around there.  We had a pending order in the kitchen and when it took time to come, Theuri picked one guy amongst us and sent him to go to go ask if meat is ready in kitchen. "Wee akuku, tathie urore kana nyama ni ihiire" (You Akuku, go to kitchen and see if meat is burnt) We don't mind him anyway. If that his borrowing style, why destroy it?

As night progress, no one in particular publicly declared any interest in her especially when she say she is from Kabete. We all fear ladies from Kabete because we hear they were licked eyes by cats. Those days, we did not fear medicine, there were no people of medicine then, but we were told that women from Kabete can hold your testicles so hard until you sign a logbok transfer or title deeds. I was not prepared for that, so I told Theuri to eat her but he say he is not interested, only Mwinjoyo (enjoy) for that day.  We dance and dance and when i look with eye of corner, i see Theuri throwing words at her. He  flatters the girl small small "gaka ingiria ndingithamba wiki igiri niguo murio ndukaume rianga ini " (If this one i eat, i will not bath for two weeks so that ze utamu hangs in josto for longer time).But when he turns to me, he say to me in ear "giki ndingiria nigikuru muno kinya magego nimaumire ni gukura (this one i cannot eat, she is too old even all teeth is come out)

When we were so drunk and almost to go home, I heard Theuri ask waiter how much is room there. The waiter telled him it's Kshs. 800. Theuri gave the lady, though in secret the 800 bob to go pay room. He then tell her not to tell any of us. I see lady come and pick her bag and go upstairs. She then come back again with no bag and whispers to theuri ear "2nd floor, room 203". I pretend i did not hear.  There there, i knew Theuri was going to eat somebody. When i look at my clock, i see time is 2.30 AM. I was in Zimmer, Theuris territory then and i remembered my house is very far from there, all the way to Kinoo, next to Wanyee. Immediately, i knew i must draw something. (whoever came up with those names must have been very naughty. Wanyee means testicles and kinoo is hole of woman. Thats why i had to remove myself from that estate because when people of Kigogoine ask me where i live, when i tell them Wanyee and Kinoo, they think i am abusing them). 

I pretended i was going to dance floor and went straight up to room 203. The lady open and when she see its me, she say " Kai Theuri eko" (Theuri is where?) I tell her Theuri is my driver in job and she should not worry. 

I removed clothes to eat somebody.  There was no miborrowing.  She had even bought makobosto and put on stool. Theuri had already borrowed and just as i finish to remove trouser, i hear somebody knock door. I open small and when i see its Theuri, i push door very fast. Theuri went back downstairs where reception was to confirm if indeed that was the room the girl was. He was told it was the last room booked by woman. He went down to dance floor and when he see me no where, he filled for himself that i was the one inside with the 'his' lady.

Fuming with fire, he came back and  knocked door by force so hard.  He listens at door and hear the bed cry 'nyigi nyigi nyigi" because that time, i was eating somebody very hard. The beds in that room are the types that make noise when you start climbing somebody.  Unable to tolerate and his tree getting hard, he went back down where akina Rukungu were seated and drink all beer we had remained on table. He mix all Whitecap, black-ice and Tusker and drink in big gulps  and in anger.  He then come up again and peep at window and he see the two of us lying naked, relaxing after the first joti. He put curtain aside and shouted to me "Wanjohi, ta njokeria mbeca cia rumu ngoma ino. ugwetereire ndihe room woe maraya yakwa. Shaitani uyu niukunyona" (wanjohi return my room money you devil. You wait i pay room you take my person. You shaitani you will see me) He then opens window and throw a bottle of beer inside.

It is then that people of room come and tell him to stop disturbing clients. He goed back to bar and start looking for women to climb. He saw one that was almost dying and started borrowing and she say she has no problem with giving, as long as he buy beer. When he go to the latrine to stand, bouncer followed him and take him by collar and tell him not dare talk to that lady again. It belongs to bouncer. Theuri went home in anger and as he told us following day, he ate his wife two jotis one night, something he last did 5 years ago.

Next day we meet, we laugh with Theuri and i tell him his money for room has drank water. I asked him how he was expecting me to go home, yet it was late and i was drunk, and i didnt have a car,  and we were near where he lived, so i did not expect that he can climb a woman in his homeground. Again, I had told him before to take the woman but he beat himself and say he does not want a person of out on that day because Arsenal had been climbed. We settled that like that although he told me that he will ravage 100 folds later on.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.