The Weekend That Never Was

If you're reading this, you're either reading it in a pool of fire that has engulfed you in hell, or else the world did not end on Saturday as predicted. But we never know, probability has never been zero, ask any philosopher. So, there is a probability that either hell is not so bad after all because you still have internet,your job and the same people you used to know around you or,  you will be on earth for much longer time than than you thought.

For me, i would wish they get that man and end his world so quickly because of the trauma he caused me and many others. The trauma was not as a result of the news that the world was ending. The trauma was as a result of many text messages i received the whole of Saturday. Very very annoying messages from some of my friends. If you sent me one of those texts that read like 'Am in heaven, Abrahams street blah blah' i did not like it at all. Save for some few of my pals that i respect so much that not to return a text is viewed are rude, i had to text back like...  "hahahah" or 'lol', albeit on a frowned face and anger. I choose not to read the rest . However, that craze brought both mixed fortune and fate to me and Theuri. 

We were having one in one of the backstreets pubs in Nairobi with Theuri and others not known to you when i received one such text. It was from one very very voluptuous lady that sell me socks and occasionally in one of exhibitions in town. (occassionaly because, when i need to buy stuff, i hardly buys from exhibitions. I go to Gikomba or Eastleigh and get the same stuff for much less. I only buy when i want to impress those ladies. I know all holes in Naurobi. So, if you want to know all those holes, you have my number. Call any time)

When i received that text, I did not finish the first two words because it was all about the stuff that had spoiled my mood the whole day. When i hear my phone  "tiititi tititi.." i check very fast because i thought being on a sato, somebody might have been catched by the devil and sended me Mpesa by mistake. It was not Mpesa but a text from one lady of out. I called her back and tellled her that she is very very funny and creative and that i like. Then, i telled her that if her name will not have been called by 8PM, because the list, obviously was long, she should call me back for a drink or two.

Among those we were destroying our money with was Mafiosa and Theuri. When i told the mafiosa and Theuri that i am inviting a very very juicy voluptuous chick and so we have to move from the back street to a better joint, theuri turned to me and say:

"We nguiraga ugie hakiri. tiga wana. niko karagura njohi kana niwe? Arafu breweries ikiruga njohi ri, niyugga ino ni ya Sankara, ino ni ya Remisce kana ino niya Timau kana ya Madhuka? ngoma. Gete haha, ureciria niku ugagatwara gatari gathie? airetu mendaga mundu utara show off, mundu tawe wina tuindo na uranyua kundu  funny ta guku. Kari gani!" (You wanjohi i tell you to have brains. leave child. is she going to buy beer or you? then, when breweries cook beer, do you think they grade it, this is for Sankara, this is for reminisce, this is for Timau and this is for Madhuka drinkards? Again, girls love people that dont show off, person like you you have things but you drink in funny places like this. Whats up!)

I told them that what was coming is so yummy that if i will climb, i will stay for one week without hunger of josto and so that place was not the best for her. Theuri looked at me and say to Mafiosa "ungiugua mundu wanjohi aragana nahinya uguo, either ahana marebe kana ni arite na arend ana ithui tururinde. Kana wanjohi ndari kindu umuthi arenda tugurire mundu wake kindu nake ainere baaday. Tiga gutuika mundu sirry" (If you hear somebody wanjohi is praising, either she looks like drums or he has eaten and want us to eat too. Or he does not have money and want us to buy his person beer, then him is just to sing for it.)

Even before 8, she called and i told her where to come to the warosho for one. She came after a short time accompanied by another person of out. She was equally good but starved, exactly what Theuri likes, although he can eat anything after 2AM. Theuri say he like, thin and dark.  Thin because they can put legs at 180 degrees when being beaten tree and are easy to turn turn around. Black because black attract and keep heat. So, when you climb a dark lady, they must be very very hot. That is the gospel according to Theuri though.

When they come and sit, they find us drinking Gilbey's. There is something Theuri tells me he cant do, and that is to start buying people of out, especially those of exhibition or ladies you find in bar beer. His tenets are, wait until other men buy them until they are drunk. After they are drunk enough, send a beer or two. To them, the one that buys last laughs last. The rule that he who pays the piper plays the tune dont apply to people of out. Its sad, but true.

Theuri, even without asking what they will take ask the waiter to bring two glasses and additional honey and lemon. The waiter bring glasses. I hear Theuri talk bad to waiter because he bring glasses of water. He tell the waiter to bring glasses that serve spirit. I fail to know what difference it makes, even if you drink with plastic container, like of keg, the destination is mouth, then stomach, and after all, thats a backstreet pub where you even drink while standing.

We drink Gilbeys until we finish four halves. As we continue to drink, the ladies open small small. Theuri tell them that he work as manager of family bank and i tell them i am manager at G4S. I tell them very soon, we will be chomokaring with mamillioni but this time, in a fool proof way.

After getting filled enough to afford beer in upmarket bars, we start to complain of slow service in that warosho bar. We case to go to pubs with better services and have better music. Theuri cant listen to anything that is not Mugithi. Those persons wanted Reminisce but finally, settled for Citrus Inn. All along, i hear my person talk to someone and say "ningukuhurira. ndina my sister na boyfriend yake, ningukuhurira (I will call you. i am with my sister with her boyfriend. will call you). That person call and call and i think he was asking which direction because she say " guku ona ndioi. kirafu giki gitiri ritwa. naguku ngong'i rodi" (I dont know, this club has no name. here along ngong road)

At citrus, we beat our chest and ask the peoples to order what they drink. One take black ice and the other take Redds. Where we sat, it was abit dark. I touch touch my person until she get on heat. Theuri was not touching his person, only giving stories. She seemed to enjoy the stories until my person shift attention to Theuri stories. I closed eye on Theuri to reduce volume and talk talk.  I was not afraid of loosing my person to Theuri. He had his perfect match but i was getting worried by the attention he get from my voluptuous mundu. When i closely look with 'gati ka ritho (vagina of eye), i see his chick small small remove Theuri josto.

When mine see her pal do that, she turned to me and say "ukunjika stylo iriku?" (you will do me which style). I tell her "nie ngukugariora ta ngima. Akorwo nduri waugithio mbu ni mundurume, umuthi wihariire (I will turn you like hot ugali. If no man has ever sayed mbu to you, today i must say you mbu) "kwanja kau karunguthu kuonga muno nie. Ngukagucia na ruru ririmi kinya kaihure kanua" (first, that tiita, i will such it too much. I will pull it with this tongue until it fills my mouth.

Motivated by that, she put her hand and touch my hardened josto and comments, 'ngai mwathani, shuma ino yothe ikugera ku? ma iguthirira karima ini gakwa na niguo ge kanini". (god father, where will all this iron pass? tru it will disappear in my hole and the way its small). With that, we ask waiter to bring more beer and more beer.

I listened to Theuris conversation and heard him say " Nie reke nguire. Uka monday ku aprovire loan wambie kugira nguo oganda. Nie ndirenda uteithike utige kuandikwo tuwira twa wana. kwanja nie ningakuhee ngiri twendi, ugacokia wathondeka mbeca" (Let me tell you. Come on Monday i approve loan for you you start bringing from Uganda. I want you to be helped. Personally, i will also add you 20k, although you will return to me when you make money. stop being written in those jobs of child)

Upon hearing that statement, i saw her lady turn and bend to say, " ngai, ukunyingiria njikarite uguo" (you will beat me tree when i bend like this?) There there, i knew even Theuri had been given.

At  1AM, we agree which room to go. The ladies tell us no problem but we take one one more. When waiter take our order, the people say they go to latrine. They seem to take ages in latrine because we wait and wait, but they dont come. When we call their number, it is switched off. Immediately, we knew that they had lost.  Theuri turn to me and blame me. He say i call ladies that i know will only drink our beer and lost.  I told Theuri to take heart because all things work for good. Maybe makobosto would have bursted and we catch mneck or somebody gets stomach or Theuris methods of checking mneck infested eyes fails him this time.

On sunday, just before mid-day, i see the lady call. She sound sleepy and voice is lost In my mind, i knew somebody has just finished beating her tree after taking our beer the whole night. When  i ask why they lost away, she tell me "ta imajini turathire dance floor tuaigua karuimbo kega. Gucoka tutinamukora. ma nimuratuikire uru no hatire uhoro. (imagine we went to dance floor  when we hear nice song. When we come back, we did not find you. You did very bad).

Although i know she lied to me, i am sure she went to the bastard that kept disturbing her on phone.  Next time, i will call her when somebody has already drunked his beer, even if its you. I will call her and she will leave the person for me, just the same way she did to us. But when we go to room, because it still pains me for what she did, i will make sure i beat my previous record of pouring. One second and pwaffff. When i pour, i will dress up and lie to her that i am going downstairs to buy beer and leave her hanging on heat.


One of this days, i will tell you what i did to one person of out that had tormented me for many times. Its a long story but for a recap, I waited she remove and i returned my and left room. When she ask me why, i say i did not like what i see.  Although my josto standed, i walked out and climbed a person of trap. I did that because one, i was drunk and two, she eat my money only to be eaten by a friend that come from USA because he speak good english and wear bling bling. 

That is how bad news i can get at times.

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine