The Dumb Side of Me

I have acted the dumbest man in the past on several occasions. The most memorable is of two women i refused to climb, although not deliberate. I think they think i am either a saint and the most disciplined man on earth or the dumbest man to have ever lived.

Before i married, i had several girlfriends, some i wanted to marry and others were just for climbing. However, i got chased too on several occasion and one of them was a yellow yellow who happened to be from Nairobi. In my village, we say it is illegal to marry a lady from Nairobi. We say if you marry a lady of Nairobi, you have invited all problems and their relatives to yourself. This lady was borned and broughted up in Nairobi. She had convinced herself that i will marry her, despite the fact that she had heard that i had taken goats and cows to another home.

I had not borrowed her even once but when i heard from the grapevine what she was telling her friends, i decided to borrow her and teach her a lesson. I took her out one Friday and although i had hear before that she drink beer, that day she say she dont drink. She talk ill of girls that drink beer and because she had heard that i wanted to climb a girl they were working with called shiku, she telled me tha shiku is a cierunde. She tell me that she had been eaten by almost all men that work in that building. All she need is 6 bottles of blackice.  When it was midnight, i told myself that it was time to slaughter somebody.  I took her to a guesthouse called Sheraton in Zimma.

I had boughted makobosto because i was assured that i will eat somebody. Those days, i was not sucking tiita but my finger was doing the walking. When i put my one finger in her hole, she pretends she is semi virgin and that she is feeling pain. There is no way a girl of Nairobi and party girl, to add salt to injury can be virgin at 23 yrs. I smiled on inside because i knew she was taking me a fool.

After romancing and stuff, i pulled the makobosto which i had hidden under the pillow, ready to eat somebody. When she see i pull makobosto, she ask it is for what and i tell her i want to eat somebody. She turned to me and say "Wanjohi, mimi huwezi nidinya na cd" It was my first time to hear the word 'dinya' but i knew she meat eating her. I asked her why and she say it is just like that.

For once, i used my head to think and not my josto. I explained to her that i can never eat her without makobosto because we have not been measured and she can get stomach. But the lady stuck to her guns and say if i cant eat her without, then we sleep. Whenever you hear a woman insist that you eat her without makobosto, know that she knows something you dont know. We slept until tomorrow. All through night, i did not attempt to eat her although we sleep cuddling each other. I also sucked her breasts many times to see if she can tell me to put makobosto and eat somebody.


Tomorrow of that week, i asked her out again. I drawn with myself that i will pretend to go to help myself in the latrine and put makobosto while inside the latrine and when i come back, i will have makobosto already rolled down on my josto and i eat somebody pretending i am eating her meat to meat.

This time, we wented to BlueHut in Ngara. She must have read my mind because she refuse to remove biker (those days, all girls weared bikers). I begged and  begged because my tree was determined to eat that yellow yellow but she say we wait until we get married. I tried to suck her breasts so that she get on heat but she proved resistant to that. I did not take her out again because i did not want to suffer like that again. Later, i hear she wanted me to eat her without makobosto so that she can get stomach and insert me in box.

 The other dumpest incidence i ever did was with a former college mate and ex, for that matter. Even today when i remember, i feel like punching myself on face very hard. That one i had thoughted that she was perfect for me. While i was doing Ms Word, she did Economics. We used to go to arboretum and kiss there and pray together and later, pass at Walkers in for chips and chicken. I did not want to take her to Luthuli chips although their chips were many and cheaper.  After college, she was written by a certain Muhindi company and posted in Nakuru. Although we had been friends for long time, I had not climbed her. We had agreed climbing will be after marriage and again, she was saved. She also telled me that since she was borned, no man has seen her hole.  She  was so saved that she even never used to put on tight trouser, only skirts or dresses because the bible say women should not put men's cloths.

After college, i got my own house and she used to come over on weekends. When she come to my house, we kiss and stuff but when it was time to sleep, because my house was only one room, i used to borrow where to sleep in my cuzo's house.  In all the days we lived as boyfriend and girlfriend, i never touched her boobs. The worst thing we ever did was to kiss. I wanted to act as gentleman as possible. She wanted to be climbed but she did not tell me, so she got bored from coming to my house. Later, i heard she got a man that was working in bank in Nakuru. She was beaten tree until she opened up. She went back from being saved and started to drink beer. One day i go visit her in Nakuru and hoping that i will sleep in her house and perhaps eat somebody because my back was arching because of long time without eating somebody. Instead of taking me to her house, she rented me a lojo. I waited until she go and went out to look for people of trap.

Long after i get married, i meet her in town with tight trouser. I see camel toe and instantly, my tree stand. She now tell me she now live in Nairobi. I got wierd ideas and invited her to drink beer with me and she agreed. When i go to drop her to her residence, i wanted a way to get to her house. I deliberately jammed my car alarm. The car refused to start. I tried and tried to start it but it only make noise. She tell me to go sleep over in her house and i agree happily.

She cook for me nice food and we talk many things but most of them business. I wanted to borrow her but i did not have strength or ideas. We had been used to each other so much and she kinda respected me so much. She waited for me to borrow her but i was not. I was also like expecting to be given by force. When she saw i was not borrowing, she bring Chess we play. We played chess until late at night. In her house, it was one bedroom house. When it was time to sleep, she telled me to sleep in her bedroom while she sleep on sofa.  I tolded her i will sleep on couch.   I really wanted to eat her but i did not know where to start. When she bring me things to bury myself with in the coach, she telled me that incase i hear cold, i can join her in bed.

I kept counting one to ten so that i can start and go join her in her bedroom but i was unable. Every time i reach nine, i start again. The other person in me was telling me  "kangirega kuhe ndingihota guka face ringi" (if she refuse to give you, you will be embarrassed to death) Very early in the morning, she wake up and tell me to go look for fundi to make my car. I knew she was mad because she wanted me to climb her but i did not. But i was no angel to know whether she wanted to be climbed or not. I have never been so dump in my life.  But one of this days, i will make sure i at least suck her tiita just to prove that i am aint dump.

In the meantime.. RIP Wanjiru. But .. a brotherly advise to the rest of us... you dont bring people of trap in your matrimonial home. Its wrong and very wrong in our gikuyu tradition.

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine.