I once told you how i did Theuri 'kihibirania' and he vowed to hit back one time. For those who don't understand Greek, it is doing somebody what the Hebrews did to the son of man. He did hit back years later and in a mighty way.
One day, i was with drinking with Theuri in town. As we talked business and women, we started to think who to climb that weekend. My usual person was seeing and she was getting in my nerves. She tell me that i have monday to sato to be with my wife and one day a week with her is not too much. When i look things at 18, i see she will destroy my home. Theuri tell me there is no need of calling people, we wait until 2am. We will get the cutest ladies who are already drunked men's beer and now looking for people to climb them. At 2AM, in clubs, you get ladies that have either been left alone after their pals were chipod or the men that were buying them beer finished money and left them in club or girls who had beaten themselves that they are too good and refuse a hand of climbing until all men go home. Just as we thing, my phone ring and i answer
"Haroooo, mundu nu? ( who is this?) I hear sweet voice on the other end "Ni Omi, we met last week. uko?" I remembered i had met this chick from KSPS, although these days i hear it is called Inoorero university. I had telled her she will drink my beer that Friday. She happens to come from Othaya where my uncle was born. That uncle is the guy that lives behind Nairobi university, on your way to Arboretum.
"Niko Jazz, kuja kwa balcony" i answered back"
Within a short time, she was there. We drink and drink beer and talk, although Theuri is the one that talk all time. All along, my person call until i switch off my phone. Theuri throw compliments to this person until she start to like Theuri. Theuri tell her she can do modeling and he work for modeling agents. Women like to be told such thing but since i dont like lying i just smile. I dont know who can model and who cannot. Me, what i look for in this order is >> Thutha>> Face>>boobs>> size>> Legs>> Dress >> Shave. Any other is a vine to hang on.
I had refused to pick my persons number and when she keep on calling, i swich off my phne. She had Theuris number and she call Theuri. Theuri show me she is calling but i tell him not to pick. He say there is no need of showing her madharau but i tell him its my person and thats me. I dont know if he picked or what happened but near midnight, i see my person appear. I knew there there that mine had bitten each other. But later, i know it is Theuri that tell her where we were. Theuri tell her because he wanted to 'utahama lini' with my person of out.
After a few drinks, I beat my person kiswahili that i must go home. I wanted to drop her home so that i remain with the Inoorero person. All that time, i tell Theuri to pretend the girl was his. But Theuri forget or deliberatly, tell me "hi mundu uyu waku e kuo ta ndaka" (this your person is there like mud)
Smelling something, she telled me that she cant go home because their gate is closed and she cant wake her mum up. I had droped her before many times, even 3 oclock so i did not know how this time it was hard for her to go home. I scratched my testicles and knew that my chances of eating the other person was way below Zero. I told my person that i will hire a room for her at Kings guesthouse along Muranga road, then i go home. She tell me i must sleep but i say i cant. Every time, she tell me that i have monday to sato with my wife, she only want one night with me. When i refuse, she cries and become hysterical. She was really getting into my nerves and i was looking for a way to dump her but it was becoming very hard because every time i remember the hole i am dumping, i run back to her quickly. This is the only woman that when she such your riang'a and play with your balls, you want to sign a check of 100k for her because of the utam that you feel.
I went and paid 1k for room for my girl. I told her to enter room i will join her in moment. I wanted to pay another room so that this inoorero can enter too and then i lie to my person that i have goned home and have a chance to climb the Inoorero.
The girl was still in the car and i was planning what to do. As we talked with Theuri at the reception, the gateman come and tell me that i was obstructing other cars coming in and he tell me to park good. From the position i had put the car, i had to get out of the gate and enter with reverse. The devil in Theuri telled him that i had left him there and gone with the girl, maybe to climb her from elsewhere.
He went to reception and asked what room my girl go and they telled him. Theuri went and knocked and she opened. Whatever transpired i dont know but when i finish parking well, the caretaker, who knew us for being good customers came to me and telled me that Theuri had gone to my person's room. I rushed there in speed and when i knock, nobody open and lights are off. I knock with force almost to break door but nobody open. I dialed my girl's no. but she does not pick although i hear it crying. Theuris phone was off.
The caretaker come and take me to window. The window is that type that has many glasses lying on each other. I lifted one glass and all open then pushed the curtain and see them sleeping, all quet. They had not known i was there watching. I then dialed my persons number and when she look and see its me she refuse to pick. Although i see my person lie facing other side, i saw her pass phone to Theuri to switch off. Since the phone has password and he could not put the password while the phone was ringing, Theuri remove batery and keeps phone on table.
Unable to take it anymore, i shout on top of my voice to Theuri and my person and when they hear me shouting at window that i had opened, Theuri jumps in speed. He was in boxer and vest, remaning he had undressed. My person had pantie and no bra, so Theuri must have been sucking those boobs. He put trouser very fast and before he finish, i rushed to the door which my person had already opened.
Then what followed is drama and drama. My person pretended she did not know that she was sleeping with Theuri. She try to cook story that she had not locked door and Theuri come and enter but i refuse to listen. She then change story that Theuri tell her i go with that girl and he had no means to go back or money to hire another room. Stories and stories. Theuri rushed out and the only thing he said when he was going was " Man, sorry , ningu explain. ngugaga niguthie wathie mani. I did not do anything, i respect you man. You are my brother!" (Sorry, i can explain. i thought you had lefted)
He finish putting shirt outside the room then picked the Inoorero from the car and booked a room. I did not care about that Inoorero anymore but was shaking in anger thinking that Theuri could have eaten my person that i had been eating for many many months, my only trusted mama's reliever.
My person after seeing i am not listening, only making noice cried and pleaded inocent.
"Hakuna kitu theuri amefanya. kwanza nanyesha and you are my witness. Kwanza sweetie kweli mimi naweza tolea Theuri suruari na ni malaya ya mwanaume" (There is nothing he has done. I am even raining and you are my witness. And anyway, do u think i can remove pantie for theuri and he is prostitute of man.) I got happy because she know theuri is eater of all people so i consoled myself.
She say she know Theuri eats many people and even counts 14 of them that she know. She say to prove that she is seeing, I must do her. She removed pantie and remove pamper from pantie and fold it with tissue and throw on dustbin, then went and washed her body and made me do her by force. Because my tree cannot stand because of anger, she suck the riang'a and make it stand by force. I did somebody although i was feeling nothing. First, too much wet because of month and two, the anger in me. I then take my mind to think that i am eating Inoorero. Just by puting Inoorero face on my person, the feeling change and my riang'a feel like it is in a totally different territory. I pour like i am eating a person for the first time. I then washed myself and left for home.
Tomorrow, we meet with Theuri and he apologize and say he did not even touch her. I tell him i will never forgive him unless he buys booze and throw one of his many women i eat. He said he can throw all of them if i want. Now this was the juiciest part.
After he take Inoorero to a room, she first refuse refuse because she say she is mine and she cant betray. But who is Theuri. Theuri tells her that that was my person and i have so many persons that each weekend there must be a fight of my persons. He then telled her that i have a problem called fast pouring and sometimes erectile dysfunctional.
The girl is not easily lied to but only agree to be climbed after Theuri suck her boobs and tiita to get her on heat. He eat person of others until 3 kakobostos finish. Theuri put the lights on and look at her eyes if it is white. When he see no white, he eat bila makobosto. If you have forgotten, that is how Theuri Vcts people of out. If he lifts eye and see white white, he know she has mneck. Also, if he see chicks that are bum bum on cheeks (mandazi cheeks), he removes himself from that play. He later eat the person many times until she get stomach. When she get stomach, Theuri run away and change phone. Two months later, we meet again with Inoorero and i give her Theuris number. That is how she got Theuri and he paid for removing of stomach.
Another day, i have a person and Theuri see she is good. He tell the person to call another person that looks like her for him. When the called person come, Theuri say its not beautiful. He play hide and seek and does not buy beer because they sell cash there so its only me that buy them beer. There is one big mistake that i made, i let my person sit near Theuri. She is beaten kiswahili and only i see them laugh heartedly.
When i sense danger, I call my person out and lie to her that i want to take her to Westlands. She telled me she cant leave her friend and if i want to take her, i must call the friend also. I had no intention of going there, i just wanted to climb somebody and remove her from danger. When she refused, in protest, i left them there. Later, i learnt that Theuri tell her in ear that she refuse to go out of the club, he will show her where life is in Nairobi. That night, i hear Theuri eat those two people. He take two rooms and eat my person first and then lie to her he has gone home. He then go to the other room and eat the other person he was saying is not beautiful. He then go back to the other room where my person was and eat until morning.
But i know how i will hit back one day. I will go to Koinange and pick a lady of trap that looks like sun because of beauty. Because most of them smoke and Theuri cant stand smokers, i will tell her not to smoke and dress better and to speak queen english and say she work in big company. All on my bill, as long as its not more than 2k one night. After all, most of them take 2k until morning. I will then take her with me where Theuri is. Theuri, as usual will steal my woman. When he steal, i will let her go, but on instructions, to say mbu after the first joti. When they reach room, after the first joti, she must shout "uuuiii nilipe iyo shoti kwanza. nani alikwambia kuma ni ya bure. Ripa shoti moja ni elfu inne uuuii ripa sina time ya kuwaste!!! "
Whether he will pay or pretend to be police, i dont care, but i will be assured of one thing, he will keep away from my women once and for all.
Wanjohi Wa Kiogogoine