How Miraa Made My Tree Refuse

If you have never chewed miraa, you must be missing something. I have chewed a couple of times, and i must admit, the effects can be both amazing and disastrous.

One day, an Amerucan friend of mine invited me to some shoddy rifa rodi joint for a talk. Calling that a 'joint' is an abuse of The Queen of england and anybody that understand English, but you will be surprised the high profile guys that patrons there.

Earlier before, i used to shake nyee whenever I passed a place with people chewing miraa. But my perception changed when i was invited by one Kiogora.

As if he was getting paid, he started to preach to me  about the good things/advantages of chewing miraa over beer.  He told me that since he was born, he has never seen people fighting coz they were high on miraa. He has experienced numerous fights in bars with people drunk with alcohol. Beer makes you fight, miraa makes you friends and peace. When i was about to stop his preaching, he asked me 'How many people die from miraa related use every year? practically no one. How many people die from alcohol related use every year? millions. The only death related effects with Miraa is fast driving. And not with any car, with Isuzu pickups. Again, he told me with miraa, there is no buying of rounds, therefore, you save big time.

It is after that undoubtedly convincing that I decided to get half a kilo of Miraa.  I dont know why they call it kilo, or maybe is kill 0. I followed the direction of how to eat and after half surba, i started to feel like i had drunk bangi. Some peculiar highness and excitement all over me.  Suddenly, the International life house became mine. I started to think of a good brand new car dealers because there was no way i was going to drive a non convertible car again. Again, it was telling me that it is foolish to drive a second hand Japanese car instead of a car of shop. I am ain't poor.

As I continued to chew, i realized that i had taken long before peeing. When i went to the latrine, only very small urine came out and when it was came out, i felt like it was pour, not urine. From all the people around me that were chewing, I saw their eyes protruding, Maddo style. I refused to know, but because i was feeling like pouring, i thought they were feeling the same, and it is common for a person pouring feeling like eyes were about to remove from socket.

From that time, I constantly felt like I was about to pour.  As night progressed, I called the person that I told you about the other day, the Mukabete and told her not to put thuruari on because my tree must sleep inside. I dont know but this person used to salivate anytime she heard my zig zag will enter her.

When i arrived at her place, my tree was protruding out with gukia. 

Fast forward:... The moment i inserted my josto on her kamonie, it felt like pouring there there. My eyes started to remove from socket small small, ready to pour. I waited for pour to remove but where, it could not come out.

I pumped and pumped and let the person say mbus. To be honest, I had never heard her say mbus like that. I changed positions and ramnyad all direction. All through, i felt the way you feel when pouring. Imagine that utam.  The muclimbano lasted more than one hour, non stop, save for the small duration when i was rounding the person to change position.

Though i used to ramnya this person enough time, until sometime it even refused to pour, she had never experienced the vigor I had that day. It was unlike me..  I ramnyad the person until she poured like 3 times. Before, she only used to pour once. Her kamonie was average.. nothing special but her msuckile was out of this world. I think that is why i used to manage more than one joti. She was the first person ever to suck my nyees until i said mbus and poured.

When i finally poured, it was only small drop that removed. My tree never falled, even small. She sucked nyees as usual and i ramnyad the person 4 jotis for the first time in a my life!

From the side effects of Miraa the following day, I vowed never to touch it again.  My mouth was full of wounds. Being a novice in chewing,  I had hurt myself so bad that i was not able to eat for the next two days. Again, i had given so many  hopeless stories of giants. I remembered an old joke i once heard of two guys at Hilton hotel and pictured myself being taken by the dudes as one of those. Two guys were chewing miraa outside Hilton. One told the other that he will buy Hilton hotel tomorrow of that day. The other guy looked at him with anger and asked him, "Who told you i am selling it?"

Tomorrow of that week, I remembered another person I was climbing but had never satisfied her, even once. There was this person that had a hole that tasted as if it had sand inside. Her kamonie  had texture of sandpaper, and was so hot until I was never able to tolerate the mixture of utam.  All the many times i ramnyad, i used to pour in less than 90 seconds. Not that i used to time myself, just some rough estimate. She used to call me "gakuku gakwa" (my chicken) because of the way i used to pour fast. Infact, she once suggested i go see a doctor because my fast pouring was not only abnormal, but also disturbing.

She was my junior in a place we were written together, far more junior but she used to take home more than me. I had a loan that was being deducted, plus other deductions I cant remember they were for what. At the end of the month, she used to laugh on the side when she saw how sad i was when checking at my payslip. Even accounts department had known me by my steps because every end month, i used to visit to dispute some deductions. Despite her taking more than me, she still expected me to cater for some of her needs. Some persons of out have no head.

The earlier week's experience with Miraa had given me an idea.  One gig great idea of our times. Miraa!. It would make me eat her for at least 30 minutes and make her pour for the first time. I was getting a red zone because, i never, even once satisfied this person with muclimbano but still, she stuck with me. She stuck with me even when I was scratching skin because of loan. Whatever she was getting from me was so little, but she still stuck with me. I was getting worried now.

I had tried other stuff to enhance my climbing ability before but they did not work for me. I had tried Mukobero but found it tasting like shit. I had also tried Enzoy but it did not work for me. Enzoy, despite tasting so bad only enabled me to stand harder than normal but not to make me not pour fast.

I called her in the afternoon and asked her "eee, kianda kuhana atia?" (How is down?). She told me no pampers. I told her to come in the evening with thuruari on head. She said 'Ningurehe uragarugire hau ta kaguku uria umenyerete" (I will bring it you jump like chicken the way you are used to)

Because i did not want her see me eating miraa, I started early enough, so that by 8, i would quit miraa and drink beer. I called Kiogora and told him to take me to the place we were last time. Miraa is one stuff you cant eat alone. You need a person to beat story of giant together.  I was ready to live with the consequences of wounds in my mouth, as long as i will eat the sandpapered tiita for 30 minutes non stop without pouring.

We started chewing at around 3ish and by the time she told me she was on her way, at  around 8ish, I had started to feel like pouring, just by imagining how I will tear the sandpaper until it becomes smooth. I pitied anybody that will ever eat the tiita again thinking he will find sand papered tiita, only to find wanjohi smoothened it long time. 

By this time, i was not feeling like quiting eating miraa. Infact i felt like buying another kilo. Although it was a very tiring work, i wondered why people have never invented a way they can extract the miraa juice and package for those of us who are lazy to chew. It would surely give them brisk business.

There are few bad side of miraa.  Many clubs dont allow Miraa chewers.  They even print big words that say, "no chewing of miraa. If you are caught, you will be crashed nyee". Only in rifa rori you will find a place they allow miraa and I was also not willing to tell the person to come to that dingy joint. She had temper, sometimes was too bad, and with her temper, there was likelihood she could return thuruari. Again, even if the big clubs allow,  I wouldn't want to meet people that know me in those club when chewing miraa. They will refuse to know.

We finally settled for Red Carpet in ngara. It does not refuse people to chew, but chewers stay out with their miraa and their protruding eyes.

When she joined us, she refused to know since when i started eating miraa. I told her it was Kiogoz's not mine. After small time, she accepted that Wanjohi is of news and can do anything. I had previously many times, escaped and left her in bar after money finished. I once told her to buy a round because my ATM had "refused to remove money'. She knew for sure there was nothing and assumed she did not hear. And who is me. Any other time money finished, I just switched off my phone and disappeared in thin air. Just like the other day, we chewed until almost morning.

From there, we took a room in some guest called Kings. This person never used to allow me in her house. Maybe there was another person that was ramnyaring or something. All climbing were done in hotel rooms.

When we entered the room, the person removed all clothes and hopped into the bathroom. She had a habit of first bathing every time we entered room. When i saw her naked body, i waited for my tree to stand voluntarily  and jump on her even before entering bathroom.  My tree was feeling like pouring, but it was not waking up.

She invited me to bath with her but i declined. I removed clothes and lay on bed, refusing to know why my tree was not responding to both physical and emotional commands.

When she finished bathing, I sucked the thermos that keep baby's milk, sucked tiita but my tree could still not stand. She came and sucked all my body, including tree but where. I was feeling like to pour, but the tree was not standing. I could read impatience in her eyes but could do nothing. She asked me what was wrong with me. I told her i it is the work of satan. She started to complain, saying i must have climbed someone that evening and thats why my tree was not responding. I asked if she felt it smelling like it had climbed when she was sucking. To calm her, i told her to take my phone and abuse Kiogora because all my troubles generated from him.

I tried to think of nice things, nice persons i see on TV and facebook, her well shaped body but where.

After all that failed, we fell asleep until tomorrow of that day. When we woke up, my tree had standed so hard that i did not even wait for her to get on heat. I jumped on the person immediately coz i  feared it might sleep again, thus embarrassing me further.

Immediately my riang'a entered somebody, I felt like pouring. I thought it was just like the previous week's experience where i felt like pouring all night. But woe unto me, i did not attempt even to remove.  I felt eyes almost gouge out, then nyee shaking, then,... pwafff. I poured two drops and collapsed on top of her.

She shook me and asked "Yani Wamagogo you have poured?' I said unfortunately, i had. She threw me aside and woke up. She then threw saliva out and said "We niwitaraga hari arume riu? ona nguku ni afadhari" (Do you count yourself among men? Even chicken is better)

I took the abuses positively though. Climbing junior is not funny because, she could afford to tell me such strong words, despite me being her boss.

From that day, i said  miraa and me are in-laws.  But I might want to try again soon with someone that is refusing to remove for me because i told her the truth: I pour like chicken.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine