Why Beer Drinkard Should Not Drive

If you think that drinken driving is funny, you might learn the hard way like me.  I have falled with cars so many times that if i narrate all of them, we will finish tomorow. However, i have never fallen with car when i have drunken milk. It is water.  Infact, as we are talking, there is an insurance firm that cannot insure any car under my name. They have even refused to pay a car that fallen one year and some months ago, although it was not me driving at the time. They have repaired and paid me so many times that they think i fall the cars deliberatly. There is one friend of mine that says that if you want to fall your car so that you are paid by insurance, you just lend me your car and buy me booze. I have since reformed though but through the hard way.

Sometimes ago, i had a girl i was climbing who was a pupil at Catholic university. She wasnt a girlfriend or anything, just somebody i climb anytime i want unless when she was seeing. I met this girl from mpangowakando.com.  She was the cheapest lay i ever had and had it not been this incident, i would still be climbing that mama.

She is one of the most disciplined girl you will ever meet in Nairobi. She never used to call me, even one day,except on daylight to say hi or when she want to be climbed or want me to send credit. She used to live in some hostel opposite the school. That tells you that i never used to pay room when climbing her.  Whenever my tree standed, i used to call her and tell her i am going to visit her. She would then tell me to go with Kuku and chips.  I had climbed her so many times until the watchman at gate know me because i always come after midnight and spend less than 1hr there. But she was very clever. She was reading psychology and non governmental studies. This is where you remove yourself to help people throughout your life or something, for those who have no idea what that is.

One day i tell her we climbana without makobosto but she refuse. Last time, she see me trying to burst makobosto deliberately because i was too drunk and stupid. She show me tablets and tell me they are ARVs she was taking. I got shocked many times until i was unable to do her. I tried to think if there was one day my josto enter all, even near testicles because there is no makobosto that covers all places until testicles and i see there i chance.

When she go out, i take one tablet and put in coat. Tomorrow, very early in morning, i take it to a friend that read medicine in pharmacy and operates many pharmacies in Nairobi and ask what tablet is that. I got relieve because he tell me it is medicine of Minyoo (the snakes that live in stomach) but is given free by NGO.

One day, i was drinking Viceroy in Ngara area with Akuku. One girl come to us with small skirt and another with tight trouser. They drink our beer and even touch our jostos but run away because we tell them we must climb them. Because they leave our jostos very hard, I thoughted of going to Stima plaza and pick one person of trap but remembered the promise i made to myself, no more people of trap. I then remembered Sheila, the Catho pupil and with speed of light, i dialed her phone:

"Hello swiri. mambo lakini" She say fine. Then i told her i want to visit her. I will never forget, it was on a monday and past midnight.  She telled me to go with Kuku because she even miss me. But she tell me i am lier because i say i will go there everytime but dont go. You know Catho is far, you need Obama to convince you to drive all the way or a very hard thirsty josto.

I went to Citrus and bought one full chicken of burned. I then telled Akuku to take me to Rongai but he refuse because its late and say he want to get his wife while still his josto is still hard. I begged him and he agreed. When we enter car, he see am too drunk to drive and insist he drive but i refuse. Just past Lang'ata  cemetery, there is a steep hill before you take junction to Karen and Rongai.  I was not driving fast, maybe 80. Just after the hill, the police put road block with nyambo but they do not put sign that there is roadblock.

I did not see any nyambo, only when it was 10 meters when it is too late. I beat nyambo and car sways, almost hiting the police who were manning it. They run away shouting for help. The car then returned itself on road because it was still on speed and looked at the direction we were coming from. Due to panic, i speeded back and already two legs of left side had been bursted.

I entered Langata, still car limping because two legs are bursted and went to Oil libya. We change one leg but we did not have two spares and two legs had bursted.  We tell the man that repairs to repair one leg and asked another watchman to change the other leg. Just before he finish, we see car of flying squad pull and they cock their guns.  They ask who owns that car and the watchie say it is us. They point the gun to us and tell us to lie down on stomach. They searched us for guns and  searched the car too but they see nothing. They then put us on chains and ask why we lost after hitting the nyambo.  When they see we are too drunk, they call the breakdown to pull our car to Hardy police.  When they put us on their car, they tell us they are taking us to Ngong forest to kill us from there because we must be gangsters.

We just laugh, instead of begging them not to kill us. We show them our business card and they tell us we are stupid because, a car almost similar in registration and color had been reported stolen in Kiambu. They tell us they followed us but did not enter Langata, they go until Nyayo rounderbout and see no clue of us. They gave up chasing but on their way, they think of checking Langata. We were later taken to Hardy police. I think it is the best police station in this country. Only me and Akuku and another guy were prisoners there. I protest why they lock Akuku, yet i was the one driving but they tell us we sober up first.

Tomorrow morning, OCS call us and call the police that arrested us. He laughs and tell us that we are very unique because we hit roadblock on Monday. He say they are used to having the roadblock hit on Friday and Saturday. From what we see, they dont put the sign deliberately because that is the only way they can make money there. But he say our only sin was to lost away after hitting nyambo. He say  another sin, we were the first to hit that nyambo because it was new, just boughted there by OCPD on sunday.

We were left to go after we paid for repair of nyambo, a fee of 3k and breakdown 3500. They say if we did not lost away, they would not have charged us a cent and would have helped us even get spare. Hehehehe.. Kenya police now? Jinga kabisa. From that day, i refused to go to climb that lady because how can a mere hole make me sleep in police? I am not related to Dominique Strauss-Kahn. If you have no idea who this is, you are so back like buses of Riakanau.

A few months later, i was with my girl that i was keeping and my bro who we call The Mafiosa had a girl too.  There was an event at Carnivor Splash. We drink free beer as if it is getting finished. But in that event, they dont give food. Only beer.

When  it was time to go, our peoples say they are hungry. I told The Mafiosa we go to Reminisce and have nyama before going home. I cant remember how we climbed the car or how we take Langata road. I was black out because i take one 750 ML of Vodka and another Half alone.  When we take Langata road towards Mbagathi rounderbout, there is a small downhill then rounder bout. I did not see rounderbout, even one centremetre. I just hear, pwafff..  i am being buried by Airbag and we are on top of rounderbout. The car legs were facing up after rolling two times. We hit one big stone and throw it on centre of rounder-bout.

We sobered up and quickly removed ourselves from the car because the dust that enter make us think it is burning. The Mafiosa seatbelt refused to open and he start shouting "uuuuoooo nitwathira. ita wathima motooooo (ooouuu we are finished. Call the fire fighter).  People that stay near that rounderbout waiting for a car to fall came and opened his belt. When my girl was removed and see the legs of cry facing up, she fainted. The other girl was hurling insults on me, ati i want to kill them, i had been sent to kill them.

Despite having no physical injuries, rescuers  rushed to the nearby hospital at Nairobi west. When they try to put me in car by force, i tell them i was not there, i was rescuing them too. I did not want people to steal my music system. When  they are looked by doctors, the doctor say they have no problem but they have one problem of food. I dont know if they saw doctors white coat and think he is chef or what. It is still mystery how that doctor know that the ladies were hungry.  The nurse gave them food of sick there and tolded them to go.

When police came, they ask if i was the one driving and say no, but i own the car. I knew if i said yes, they will lock me up for driving while drinkad. They call breakdown that also trap near that rounderbout because they know a car must fall there but i tell them i will call AA breakdown to pull the car because my insurance include rescue by AA.  If you allow them to pull your car, they will charge you many money until you fail to know. They tell me i am stupid because there is another car still hitting that rounderbout and if i dont allow them to pull mine, it will be hit by another one and have more damage. I get scared and allow them to take the car.

Tomorrow when i go to take abstract, the police tell me every weekend,  people hit that Mbagathi rounder bout, like two cars per day.  He tell they have tried putting even sign or white things, legs of car and big stones but it does not deter people driving into the rounder bout. I tell them to put bumps but he say it is highway. But the sad thing is that he tell us that it has also killed my people. He telled me if i have to drink many beer, i take a cab home.


I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine