Never Again With This Kind of Women

Any man that has never eaten people of trap (imundu cia gutega) is missing something. If you have never, hands up! or better still, do we have men who have never eaten out? or do we have women who know only one tree in their life? I know we have women of substance, but they is rare. My encounter with the people of trap have never been pleasant and i vowed never to do them again. My first experience was a nightmare. You can imagine, you bargain then you go to room and the lady say she cannot remove all clothes? If wearing skirt, she lift the skirt upto midriff?? worse still others that put G-string push the string aside and tell you to enter. WTF? What satisfaction do I get in that? To pour? no. I never do women just to pour. If i want to pour, i have hands that can comfortably do that for me. If you cant show me your naked body, then you miss my business.

The other experience, one day, i open internet and see naked girls. There there, my tree stand and feel i cannot tolerate again or it burst. I beat my car fire and go to Koinange. I take one lady of trap that look like what i saw on internet and i tell her i want to do her in car, no need of wasting money on room. She show me a spot where to park and we pay watchman 100bob to keep eye. Before we finish the business, i hear police beating beating the window and ask us to open. Then they enter car and tell us it is criminal to climb each other in car, and if taken to court, it is 2yrs without fine. The way they put it, its like we have murdered somebody. I ended up parting with 10k!

That ki person of trap tell me it is watchmen that call police. The deal is, if watchmen see people doing bad habit in car, they call police and whatever amount of bribe will be paid, they will split on equal basis. I say next time, no doing of ipeople of Koinange. Next time i feel like doing those i people of trap, I will go to Stima plaza area and take one. My friend Joshua told me there are quality ones there. I went and identified one and she enter car. I tell her i want in car. She show me where to park. Before long, we see police beaming lights on car. Same story again. We are treated like robbery with violence and part with 2k. But around here, it is fellow ipeople of trap that call police. The ladies split money with police.

From that day, i close eating those kind of people. One day, we are drinking at Grace Villa and my friend call one of his workmate who is reception and secretary. She drink our beer and does not buy even one drink for herself, its as if she work for charity. As we continue to drink, i start throwing arrows and i can see she is entering box. But she belong to my friend. I ask my friend if i can dance his girl and he say no problem.

It is this song playing "koruo nindakui tene lucyeeeee, mburi na ngombe tententen telellele kwanyu mucii" (If i know you long time lucyyyyeee goats and cows tententnent telelelel ....your home) We dance small as i sing my heart with this song to the lady. She gets moved and I tell her we rest in car small time. When in car, i start to borrow and she entered the box. We start to remove clothes and just when i bend the passenger seat and jump on her, i see police pointing touch on car. They say to me to come out but I refuse to open until i finish. After all kama mbaya mbaya , (if bad, its bad). Whether we had done or not, they will still say we were doing. Again, i am not robber and i know they cannot shoot. After i pour, we dress up and open car.

Police are very now angry they say i have matharau. I look at all of them and i see their trees are pushing trouser forward. They imagine what i had been eating and salivate. They tell me to beat the car fire to Parklands police. I tell them there is no need. I know the needful. I give them 1,000 bob, they say they cannot take less than 10k.

'Kama hauna elfu kumi, hiyo rudisha. sisi tunakaa malaya utupatie elfu?' I tell them i know the OCPD and i will call for help if they will not get the 1000.

'Na huyu jamaa ananyeta. ita breakdown tuvute hata gari'

I act cool. Drunkards are of God. I look at them and smile and then i pick phone and call my friend, Muriuki. I device a way that immediately without telling him to pretend, he will play a senior police.

'Hello bwana SSP' (when i say SSP he plays along. He knows something small is up. SSP for those who dont know is Senior superintendent of Police. Its a big man o.

'Mzuri Wanjohi. Iko shida?'

'niko na maafisa wako hapa. wamenipata na kashida kadogo, lakini hawataki kuniskia. Si ngetaka kukusumbua hii usiku yote lakini imebidi Si uongee nao' (I have your police. they catch me with small problem but they dont want to hear me. I dont want to disturb you so late but it bids. Talk to them)

I pass the phone to one officer. He first refuse to take phone and i tell him he talk no problem, just their colleague. I hear him say 'Yes sir! yes Afande' until i want to burst in laughter because that man they are talking to, is so short that no police can be so short. But he is Meru and talks in commanding voice and heavy Meru accent.

He then tell police to pass phone and i put speaker phone one. Then, on speakerphone, he say, 'wanjohi, patia hao my mboys mia mbili ya chai. si unajua kuna baridi. na ukuje hapa upperhill saa hii ununue pombe.' He then cut phone.

I tell the police i have no change and they beg me to give the 1k i was giving before but i refuse. I go to club and get change and give them Ksh. 200. Later, the police tell me 'ungetwambie wewe ni mtu wa mkubwa ' (you should have told us you are a person of boss). Later, that friend call me and we laugh and laugh. When he has problem with traffic police, he call me and i pretend i am a big police and they let him go. He save me in his phone as ACP Wanjohi.


Later when we go back to club, the lady love me so much. My friend only eat the girl that day only (although she told me she refused with things, but i cannot believe. I know she was hit). We later become big friend. She had a 2yr old baby boy. When i go to her house, she tell the baby to call me daddy. For many times when i go to her house, the baby call me daddy. Even when the baby is 3 yrs and go to school. Sometimes, I felt bad, i want to kick the baby for calling me dad. I dont like people carrying me fool. I had to run away when one day, she tell me ' This boy has your habits, including facial features. Ebu imagine people can say the baby is yours". AAARRRGGG, hata the law of osmosis cannot work here. I hear she is now has another stomach. I hope she will not say i have shares there. God forbid.

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I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.