Stag Party Extra Ordinare.. (Copy..)

Stag party is a secret  that is best kept between the people who were there but when Wanjohi attends one, its very difficult for it to be a secret anymore. At one time or another, I will  share with someone or worse still, people that read my blog. But no worries , I  will only share the part where i was involved because when i was allowed in, i was told that i keep my devils out of it.

I shared this same story on wanjohidaily.com earlier on last month, same day my host went under, and due to public demand, I have been forced to re-write it again.  Majority of you did not have a chance to read it, and in as much as it is boring to rewrite something afresh, from the scratch, and sometimes, you are not sure if i had added small salt aint the best thing. However,  I  will try my best, hopefully it will come out like the original one. I have gotten head and next time, i will learn to backup the stories before i click on publish button.

It all started when Sir Chaos told me that they were organizing a stag party for one of his best friends who was due to enter into the bondage of marriage. Some of you are not married and will never know this. The best thing that can happen to you is to get married (or marry). But for some reasons, your freedom goes, literally. Your nyees shake so hard when you get home late  (even if you've been drinking with the boys and no single person of out). Your life becomes 'our' life. You shake nyee when your phone rings because you dont know who could be calling at night. You simply stop being yourself.

For those who dont know what stag party is, it is where a, 'soon to be' groom  is given a good send off, that  includes the last last  'fling' because once you get married, you are only supposed to eat persons of out with eyes.

This was my first ever stag because the others i had been were held in strip clubs.Comparing this wild stag I attended with the others would do it a great injustice. If you've attended one in a strip joint, hang and hear what happens.

One Thursday night, a day before Mashujaa day,  a plan had been put in motion to set the groom up for a big surprise.The party was to be held in an exclusive upmarket area where only people with real steel nyees live.

On that day, we hooked up at  Njugunas. When I arrived, everybody looked to be  in great party mood except the groom.  Looking at him from far, he looked like he wanted to escape, until two guys were stationed to permanently guard him not to run away. Even his car keys had to be confiscated. After few drinks and equal equal meat, we set a journey to the venue.

The house, like i told you is not for people with no steel nyees. When we arrived in the exclusive mansion, we were welcomed by several gorgeous looking person of out. Over 20 hot persons of out that looked more than sun. If i lie, i am of devil. The least of them (read worst or ugliest)  looked like Janet Mbugua ( legs excluded). Tu yellow yellows, skimpily dressed, all in revealing dresses, few you could see thongs, but majority had nothing.

In a very spacious room, a  home bar had been set up in the far right corner. Sir chaos and me were the first to order drinks. Because Sir chaos had told me before that beer costs 150 and i had loose change, i was the first to order beer. After I handed over the 150 cash to the barman, he asked me what i wanted to take. I  told him Tusker. He looked at me in eyes without flinching, then asked me if i had good head. I said most people say i have. He told me that beer is 200 bob, only Rifa rori sell beer at 150.

I wanted to say mbu in protest but sir chaos told me to cool down, he will be topping up the extra 50 I was complaining about. I remembered Ishmael and Mwai and refused to know what they will think of me if they heard rumors that i was about to drink beer @Ksh. 200 and yet i stopped  taking what my uncle that lives behind university of Nairobi used to take (Whitecup- my favorite) because EABL decided it was for rich tummied individuals, i had to settle for less expensive though sugarless Summit lager. What i had failed to know was that before you go to suck places, you first drink beer from cheap places until you are drunk enough. When you go there, you only eat njaro with two or three drinks, feeling no pain.

From where we were seating on a couch, one person that looked like sun, voluptuous, clean shaved, hanging earrings,  black like the way Theuri likes because he says black attracts and maintains heat came and sat near us. She was quite breathtaking, was in high heels, lovely long legs of elephant and all she wore was a  fishnets dress NO PANTIE. After introducing herself, she asked if we were easy, to which we responded in the affirmative. Sometimes when i am sober small, I get a problem when a hot person of out sits next to me. I first fail to get words to tell the person. Again, i first must recite, in heart good English words to say to her, just incase she does not understand Greek or small swahili that i can talk. Before i could finish reciting what to say to her in english, Sir ponyokad with the person.

But all was not lost. There were many more that still looked like sun until one feared to approach some. Small time, a rather small person of out came and sat on my laps. The person was also black and malnourished and talked Swahili of Mombasa, unlike the other one that was talking in English. She had small brookie, those that can finish in your mouth when sucking. Her legs were also well formed and looked more accommodating to me because she was ready to engage me in swa, rather than English.  In my head,  the sane side of me started to talk and refusing to know what problem the persons had because they all looked like sun and there are many men out there that could, at worst, keep them and give them better lives.

I was at east with this one. Atleast she would undertand I am from bara. To keep her by my side, i decided to play clever. The first thing i asked her was if she has ever seen me anywhere. She looked at me and said i looked familiar. I told her to look me good because if she doesnt know me, then she does not even know herself. Having introduced myself properly to her as the main boss of where we all work, the person said to me "sweerie, wewe huvuta sigara?"  I told her i only drink bangi. When she heard i dont smoke, she told me to buy her cigarettes.

If i can remember right, my pastor had long time, told me never to buy anyone anything that can harm the body. He said if i do that, i risk being denied to see God with eyes. I know cigarettes can cause cancer and blurred vision (or future) and since i dont want to be in the bad books, i had to refuse. But since i could not refuse life life, i started to beat around the bush. Besides the health effects, they are very expensive because when I asked her how much it costs there, she said a packet of Drum-something goes for 200 bob, tax included. I told the person that the guy that had just left smokes and has a full packet of the same cigarettes and if she eat njaro small, she will reap patience.

To escape the temptations of buying the person a packet of cigarettes just incase  devil entered me, i removed from that seat and roamed around the place, at the same time, browsing what was going around there.

Within an hour, i had drunked over 5 expensive tuskers and was feeling more excited. Whenever I turned one side to the other, the only thing i could see were hottest Tanya looking persons.

When I returned to the couch, the same person came and sat  on my lap again. A little drunk, I became bolder and was now confident enough to touch her brookie and even to buy a packet of cigarettes. The person had no problem to my touching touching. Instead, she grabbed me by the head and forced my face into her firm brokie and made me suck each nipple, small small. Never mind, the room was dimly lit and no one cared what their neighbors were doing. Quite a mature crowd. From her very very mini skirt, i inserted hand and felt no thuruari, and the tiita was shaved completely. No single hair could be felt. Although she did not allow me to touch tiita completely, my tree was standing like iron thinking of how to enter a warm hole.

When the person saw i had died with her, she asked me to buy her beer. I asked her what i will get after she had drinked my beer. She told me i was all hers, anything i wanted. I asked what happens and she said it will cost me 2k for an experience i will never forget. I had been told before that climbing costs 500, so i started to bargain. I told the person that i could only give her 500. Seeing how serious i was, she told me the last she could take was a k. To make sure that she gives me the best of her, i told her how i once met a person that had tiita that once your tree was inside, you felt the tiita sucking tree from inside. I praised the person that had that hole so much until she told me that what she will give me will be the best i have ever gotten.

After we agreed, she asked me if it was ok to book room. I asked if there will be additional charges for room, to which she told me that rooms are never charged, even a kobo.

I told you before that i vowed never to eat trappers or anyone that asks for money prior to climbing. Giving money should be voluntary. To convince my mind to accept to eat a 'trapper', I told her to wait because i wanted to urinate. On my way to urinating, the devil whispered to me that after all, a whole is a whole, trapper or non trapper.

On my way to the latrine, i met one yellow yellow, very hot, dressed in a shiny red revealing night dress until i could see tiita. I called her and asked how much. She said 2000. Because i had now mastered the language of that place, i offered a k, to which she readily agreed. We entered the room that was next to the latrine that was available and closed it from inside.

The room had a 5x6 bed, well lit, and by any standard, an excellent and spacious room. I was still holding my beer when she started to unbutton my shirt as she kissed my neck. She then came down and started to suck my tits, small small then down my navel.

In all my life, to be very honest, i have eaten many trappers but i have never seen or heard of a trapper undressing a man. Even persons of out that we collect all over never do that. Infact majority of trappers, especially for short timer, only remove trouser and pantie, then lie on bed and ask you to come up and finish fast. In some instances, they will only push thuruaru on side and ask you to insert and pour. This was a kind of its type. Its very very hard to get such a real deal, unless, maybe you are a European.

After she finished unbuttoning the shirt, she unzipped and downed my trouser utpo to knee level, then grabbed my josto, which was sticking out like a flagpole. She sucked josto small, then nyees, but abandoned sucking nyees after a very short time. I did not know why she did that but i guess she felt salt salt on my nyees. I felt bad because, i would rather have them suck my nyees than riang'a.

In my head, i was refusing to know if I should touch her brookie and tiita to make her come on heat like me, but there are tenets to be followed when you are doing climbing for money. Never make them go on heat, you will just be wasting you time. You dont foreplay anyone that asks for money, thats wasting their precious time. Because my tree had standed like nothing, she removed makobosto and rolled them down the riang'a. After, she removed her see through night dress, threw it on the edge of the bed, then knelt on the bed, making me see the tiita from back. From her back, she held my josto and directed it on her tiita f (same stylo my grandpa warned me against) and started to say shhh..aaa shaaa even before the josto was completely in. In my head, i knew this was devil because she wanted me to think that i was making her feel mzuri and therefore, pour faster.

I inserted slowly and pumped small. After few pumps, I removed again and because i am of devil at times, i pretended i didn't know which hole was original or of nyeni. I tried to insert kwa nyeni and when she heard i wanted to insert kwa nyeni, she jumped and lay on her back and told me to come up. I know in her head, she was abusing me dogs and shaitani, but i cared less.

My trouser was still on my knee level and to jump to bed to do normal stylo, i had to remove it all. After i removed and threw it on side, i jumped on the person like hot ugali. I pointed the josto on her hole slowly and started pumping.

Whenever i am under the influence of alcohol (or other some illegal substances), my tree is always under my command. I am the one that tells it when to pour. Because i wanted to get a good deal for my money,  I wanted to try other stylos so atleast it pour naturaly without being told or induced pouring or without command, like when i am sobber. When i attempted to lift her leg to put on my shoulder, the person  told me no stylos, ati she gets tired and gets cramps if she gets climbed like that.

Once once, the devil was whispering to me to eat kwa nyeni, so I was regularly removing the tree from her hole. When the person saw that she will feel it inside kwa nyeni without knowing, she  warned me from removing tree again because she said that if i remove, makobosto will burst. There is nothing that makes me happy and secure like a person that protects herself from such risks. It tells me that she will never allow any man to eat her bila makobosto. Before returning my tree inside her kanonie, she applied saliva to lubricate her tiita. This was an indication that i was now boring her because before, she was wet wet.

I induced pouring by putting the image of the voluptuous clean shaved person that slipped my hands as i was reciting english words to tell her. Within few seconds, my nyees were shaking and eyes almost removed from its  sockets as i poured, seeing marudurudu.

After i dressed up, i paid the person her dues and removed from room, smiling as if i was the only person that had climbed and was going to climb.

I went to the counter and ordered another expensive beer. As i was passing, the swahili speaking person saw me  and came to me again. .She asked me where i went to. Like i owed her an explanation, i had been talking on  phone all through. She asked me if it was ok to book room because she wanted to give me an experience i will never forget. I told her it was perfectly ok, but i wanted to rest small.  To make her tulia small, i ordered one drink for her and proceeded to talk to some friends i had made inside there.

Just after a small time, I saw another person that looked more like sun and was smiling all through. I called her on the side and we started talking. Because she looked more than sun, i first tookher number because i wanted to call her one day where Theuri and crew w'd be so that they salivate. Again, i have been wanting to revenge on Theuri. (Since that time he stole my person, i vowed to come with a trapper, kwanza one that smokes, and let him steal her from me. In the morning, he will faint after he sees her light a cigarette.)The person told me she was a pupil at Catholic university.  I am a rather inquisitive person at times and i like fishing information that cant help me but this time, it was rather helpful because i know know where not to get a person of out.  This person told me that all those persons inside there were university pupils looking for some extra coins to pay fees, atleast 90% of them.

We agreed with the person and for the usual fee, i climbed the person. This was not so dramatic, she did not remove my clothes, i did myself, I did not attempt to eat her with stylos and also, i did not show my bad boys character. I wanted to gain her trust so that one day, she can come and be stealed by Theuri or i ringa with her. After all, no one will know that she at times, goes to stag and gets climbed by people holding a k on their mouths.

After i finished climbing her, the swahili person was still waiting for me. She had touched my josto and could not believe that such a zig zag could leave the place without climbing her. Reluctantly, I told her to book room.  By this time, each room had people waiting in queues to enter. Either, there were some guys that were pretending earlier that they dont climb and suddenly, they developed the urge to climb, all at the same time, or too many guys were going back for second or third time, which was allowed anyway.

After like 30 minutes, she secured a room. In that room, it had no bed and no lights. a huge mattress was placed on the floor.

I told the person that i cant climb  a person i am not seeing. I like seeing what i am climbing, especially if you talk swahili english. The facial expression  matters to me so much and seeing a person saying mbus gives me alot of pleasure. The person rushed out and came with a candle. The experience i got from this person made me regret why i did not take her as my first.

After she placed the candle, I took makobosto and  while I fumbled with it, she removed her dress. I lay on the mattress and told her to come up. She came on top of me and turned her back, then  leaned against me facing away, took my tree in an effort to guide it on her kamonie.  

She then lowered herself down, slowly, swallowing all zig zag. In turn, I pushed back against her as she said fake mbus loudly 'uuuu aaaa sss uuuuuu uuuu'. In.......... out..............in.....out became in.out.in.out.in.out.  After small time,I felt she was too met and some wetness was pouring on me, which i did not like. I told her to lie down as it was my time to come up.

Now on top, I positioned my josto on her tiita which was already wet. Not just wet but soaking wet. Since this person was not refusing me stylos, i took both her legs and placed them on my shoulders. Let me ramnya somebody, let me ramnya. And let the person say mbus, telling me to ramnya harder and harder. After small time, i freed her legs so that she throw them in the air as i ramnyad.

The mbus became louder and louder until other persons that were waiting to enter the room started to knock. They knocked and knocked telling us that we had overstayed.

After small time, i poured, although just a drop, one drop,  because i had poured two more times previously.

I dressed up and removed from room, now feeling angry with myself because it had started to dawn on me how much i had spend on climbing and beer.

After i removed from room, one guy called me aside and asked me how much i was paying. I told him i was paying a K. He told me that i was a fool because he has climbed three and had paid 500 bob. He told me that the best thing is, not to rush. It was only that all pour had finished, i would have loved to climb one for 5sock.

Tomorrow of that day, we met with akina Theuri, Akuku , mpesa and many others at Bee Center. I beat them stories on what happens on the other side of town. They okiad so much until all of them ate trappers that same evening.  Everytime Akuku saw a new person came to the group, he would ask me to repeat what i experienced there. 

They were so determined to go see what happens there until we have organized another party,  in some few days time. We wouldnt mind 10 more guests, so if you want to see with your eyes, you can hit me up to have you included on the list. No persons of out allowed though, even those that climb each other. You must be a josto carrier.  And what happens there remains there. @ wanjohikigogoine@yahoo.com

In the meantime, this person i climbed last (coast swah speaking person) has been calling me daily. I had been taking her calls with alot of suspicion. I dont know what I told her, maybe i told her that the person she was seeing is none other than a person that owns 200 trucks that go upto Congo or it was the josto she liked. But i suspect the earlier because, another day, she called and said "George, (lied to her i am called George), nimepatwa na shida kidogo. Nikopeshee 5k tafadhali". I told her i was in Ras Kamboni but she would never give up. She told me to send her Mpesa and no ammount of stories of giants would make her give up. She calls even at night until i had to throw my Safaricom line.

I Remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine