Why I will NOT Climb This Valentine.

Alot of people here and there will get climbed today, some, sadly, without makobosto in the pretext of valentine.  I have no intention of climbing anyone but for a good reason. It is out of an incident that happened last week. Infact two incidences and i think they will help me save alot.

Mid last week, I was in a place called Rumuruti. When you are in Rumuruti the nearest town is Kismayu, then Mogadishu.  I was not alone. I was with Mpesa, Theuri, Akuku and another person you have never heard before. 

After finishing the day's business, we went to a place called Travelers lodge or something to remove dust that had filled out throats after a hard days work in dust ridden part of Kenya. As we were drinking, Theuri asked how we were going to sleep without persons.

When we told him to forget persons, he said that he must  arrange himself  with a person. I told him that all day, I had not seen anyone close to sun, except some person that did not respond positively that was working at an Mpesa and Equity agency shop.

In every village, you must get a broker of tiita. One guy overheard us and said that he can get persons that looked like sun, from a place called Rukishoni (later, i herd correct name is Location). We told him to call as many as he can. He said that if we will pay boda boda for them, they will come with thuruari on head.

After we gave him money for boda boda, he went to fetch them. Small time, he came with three persons. One without teeth and the other one, looked like sun, and the other one, I cant really place her. Not like sun, not like Keper 22b  but was smartly dressed, verry smart. But unlike persons from Nyahururu that come with scarves and gumboots, them they were dressed like persons of Nairobi.

As usual, Theuri arranged himself with one with no tooth. Akuku took the one that looked like sun. We were left three of us, me, mpesa and the other guy to fight for the one that did not look like sun, but was dressed very well and good thutha too. And she was not too tall.

The person leaned on my side after he heard Theuri call me mutongoria. But all along, i was salivating on the person Akuku took, the one that looked like sun. She looked more than sun. But when my person told me she just finished school last year, i knew she had never been ramnywad many times.

Theuri asked what they will drink. They all said black ice. Theuri told the persons that KC is good first because it makes persons relax. When they agreed, we almost knelt down to thank him for saving our hard erned cash. After my person started to get drunk small, i refused to know if she was a sister to Theuri. Talking papapapa, with no end. Theuri now even left his toothless and started to engage my person with conversation.

He told the person that we will take her to Nairobi and see where leaders live. Theuri asked her if she has ever been to Nairobi. The person knows places until i refused to know. Despite having schooled in some school i heard called Muhotiita girls, she knows Betty's, Riviera, Zimmerman, Diamonds, Croocked Q among others I have never stepped my foot into. There there, we refused to know.

She then started Theuring or verbal diarhoearing. Theuri asked her when she knew all those places. She said that she was one time thrown out of school when in form three and again in form four. Instead of going home, she used to come to Nairobi to see mabeshte. It is mabeshtes that took her to all those places. She told us how her mabeshtes used to get climbed by people they didnt even know, some even getting climbed in cars.

Theuri, wanting her to verbal diarhoea more, asked her "No reke, muiretu akinyitie miaka 20, angikorwo ndari ahaicwo ni arume ta ikumi, ndari undu oi?"  (If a person reaches 20 years and have never been climbed by 10 people, there is nothng she knows) The person agreed and said that some people only pretend. My tree, which had standed returned back almost size of a baby.

Theuri then said to me in ear "Mutongoria, ona kafa ino itari magego. Iyo ihaicitwo kinya igathira rangi" (Leader, its even better this one without teeth. That one has been climbed until all color has faded.

When Akuku went to the latrine, I closed one eye on her person. She closed her eye back. Theuri saw and asked me if i wanted to climb her, we wrestle her from Akuku as long as i will buy water to compensate his efforts. I told him he is leader of leaders and if he assists, he will drink until tomorrow.

He told me a plan. He said he will ask her to borrow money from Akuku. Akuku never wants to hear a person borrowing him money, so it was a ploy once she borrows money, Akuku will there there refuse her things. So, he told the person, "Nigetha ndukanakiume ta muthika ucue ri, ira muthee oka akuhe mbeca cia njuiri" (So that you dont remove like burier of grandmother, tell mzee to give you money for hair)

When Akuku came they started to talk. I saw Akuku smile and did like this, holding the finger that is next to big one together with big one.

When Akuku went to latrine again, Theuri asked her 'Auga agukuhe cigana?" (How much will he give you?"

She said "Auga akuhe magana matatu" (He will give you three hundred.

Theuri looked at me and said "Uyu amaheaga ngiri. Uyu ona agukuhe ngiri igiri" (This one gives them one thousands. Infact, he will give you two thousands." He then said 'Uyu ni umuiguaga redio ine? (Do you hear him on radio) She said no. She was told to look me good because he is called Njogu of Njoroge. She said she did not know that Njogu can pretend to talk in bass in studio but when out, he has no bass. But all in all, the person's face lit up. She smiled and said "Uyu ona niwe nguendaga. Nimuthaka kuri ucio ungi na ndari na maundu maingi. Na niaratheka wega" (This one is the one i want. He is cool and i like the way he laughs). In my head, i said 'ngoma, ni mbeca wendete, shaitani uyu" (devil, it is money you like, shaitan you)

When Akuku came back, the person started to show him madharau. Small time, she told Akuku "we ona nduri mwega. Magana matatu matingiigana njuiri" (You are not good. Three hundred not enough for hair)

We all burst in laughter and asked him what 300 bob can do. He said "Atakiri kiino nguguraga. Animiire ku. ngumuheaga kia wega (I was not buying tiita but goodwill or which samba has she tilled for me? ). The person pretended she was angry and stood up. I pulled a chair between myself and Theuri sister in talks. Akuku looked in disbelieve and said 'Ngoma ici nie mutikandare equal equal ya ma kc mau mao" (Devils, dont count me on equal equals of their KCs). From there, I told the person to drink black ice because she was not looking like about to refuse to know herself.

When we went to room, the person made me almost want to return to club and drink until tomorrow. She removed clothes inside the bed and told me to switch off the lights.

To give her confidence, i removed all my clothes, showing off my riang'a standing straight. She first refused to look at it with eyes straight,  either because  she did not believe that there can be a man that can have a riang'a that does not stand  straight, but in zig zag or thoughted i was plain nuts to show my riang'a without shame.

I refused to switch off the lights and jumped in bed. When i tried to touch touch brookie, i felt the bra was still on. After persuading her to remove for over  30 minutes, she finally agreed. She was telling me to enter into blankets and climb inside there.

The brookie was so firm like i have never heard before. But this time, i was not going to  suck tiita of a person from Rumuruti. I refused. When i inserted hand to feel tiita, first thing, i refused to know if i was touching another head of a rasta man or what. I almost asked if there was another person hiding near tiita. Many hairs! Since birth,i think she had never shaved, despite looking hot like sun. It is not always hot inside as out.

Because i feared because of the hairs, my tree might deflate, I putted on makobosto very first and inserted tree. On inserting, I have never heard a hot tiita like that. I think it can near that of a person I told you, tiita tasted like sand paper.

She said mbuus, original and after small time, i poured. After removed josto, she took her pantie and bra and returned on her body. I have never seen a person that return thuruari after eating and we were not leaving room. 8th wonder of the world oh.

That incident of returning thurauri back even before morning and seeing a person that looks like sun that does not shave tiita  give me kinyiria of tiitas from that day. I swear, the Thika one (Mt Kenya University person), was a child play.  So, even weekend, I was thinking of borrowing another person but when i remembered the many hairs, tree warned me that i was wasting time, it will not stand.

The other thing that has added salt is persons from my hometown, Nyeri. Although this is a ploy to destroy names of persons from Nyeri, we, the village elders feel  we need to clear the air. In my entire life, i have never seen my mum beat dad and they are all from Nyeri. All my neighborhood, no pm beat their husbands, and they are all from Nyeri. So, which Nyeri are you talking about. They should know places!

The 'small' unfortunate incident that was inflated by one Njoka of person has however made us some of us very angry.  Theuri told us when he saw that on TV, he rose up and slapped his pm chwa chwa on both sides. He did that so that she does not, at anytime, ever think that she can beat him up.

Though that is not the correct way, PMs and all persons becomes what you make them. They are like babies. If you show them you dont entertain some things, like being beaten, or being returned, that is the way it will go. If you show her that if she returns you and you dont say  anything, she will return you in front of guests. If you show them, especially those of Kabete that you cant entertain to be killed when you finish building flats, they will not kill you. If you show Cambodians that you cant entertain them getting climbed out, they will not. If you show, those of Luhia origin that they get toshekad with one joti, and not to say mbus when getting climbed, that is how they will.

If you are married to a person from Nyeri, or any other person and you dont want such incidences (beaten) to ever happen, this is what you do. You know, pms or persons can easily beat you up if they want. It is respect they have for us oh. so, first things comes first. Self defense!

When you go home and you find a karai or sufurias near the entrance or being kept down, beat it one shoot, with alot of energy, like of Rooney.

If you are being bringed food and you notice a spot on one plate, take that place and hit the wall with it. pwaaaff. If you call her when she is in the kitchen and does not answer very fast, being maybe she did not hear or ignored, take table, especially when items are there and hit the wall with it.

Tomorrow when you come home, even if she had thoughted of beating you up, she will insert cold like you dont know.

And if you think my advise is valuable and it will help you, send mpesa to me to thank me for good advise. Otherwise, you will be beaten one day, if I dont unleash the secrets. The number is that one appearing on your screen.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine