How To Disappear Without Paying Bill in Bar

I am going to write this because, one, majority of you have disappeared with bill, or left with bill in bar. Again, it is illegal to sell beer on credit. The constitution of Kenya (new) say it is illegal and you can be jailed. So, even if i confess where we stole bill, no one can come to us and demand we pay. They did that at their own risk. However, so that we continue to access bill and have more chances of losting with bill, i wont name the bars we have stolen bill because it is still stealable and we can do it again and again.  Read on.

Tomorrow, if you dont know is public holiday, and it is 1st of half year. If you have not been paid, and you feel like drinking beer and eating nyama for free or you pay later, i have few ideas that might help you. Free is not the best but you can give yourself credit by force. Again, if you have people of out that have habit of coming with the entire family members or schoolmates, i also show you some medicine that, if properly implemented, we can revolutionize the world and it will be a better place to live.

We are abit lucky ourselves because, me, Theuri, Mpesa and Akuku have few places we go and give ourselfs credit by default. Sometimes, we dont want those credits but we are given the credits by force or given for free  and by force. We try to persuade them to take money but they dont.  Long time, we did not think it is good idea but if the  service demands that, we do it, what do we do. Again, we have been stolen by waiters many times before and hitting back once or twice is not bad idea.

I have told you before how we were stolen by waiters, now i will tell you how we have stolen waiters on several occasions.  One day, we go to see a plot Theuri wanted to buy in Mlolongo. When we reached there, we were pinched for that that place had been marked for road destruction. To console our long journey all the way from Nairobi, we enter one bar. Where we went, we found waiters that talk to us in Kamba. When she hear we dont speak Kamba fluently, she serve us very bad. That place is the only place on earth where a 2kg of meat take two hours and 6 minutes to burn. We did not complain because we thinked they burnt their meat with sun and we wanted to taste how meat burnt by sun tastes.  But when the meat came, it was like it was burnt by fire of grass. 

Another thing, beer in that place is served directly from Ruaraka depot. If you order one round, they go and fetch your beer at KBL, Ruaraka. Then, they wait for it to be cooked before taking it from Ruaraka depot. So, you can imagine how long you have to wait.  We drink full of complaining and angry and that is when we thoughted of going back to Nairobi.  Our bill had reached 3,200, we all share bill equally, except Mpesa who say he will send by Mpesa. We then call waiter to come take her money.

The waiters are other people there. She just look at us as if we have climbed her and refused to pay her. We telled Theuri to remain and beg her to take money for the bill as the rest of us went to enter car. After beating car fire and waiting for Theuri to come, Theuri come holding all money in his hand like makanga.

"Ngoma ici citiroka kuoya bill. tuike atia? " said Theuri, angrily.  (this devils dont come to take bill. We do what?

"Ingira ngari tuhane uguo. Nimakuhura thimu maigua nime kuoya mbeca" replied Akuku, in small voice. (enter car we look like that. They will beat phone when they feel like taking the money).

Theuri enter car and still look if they will come and take money.  Slowly slowly, Akuku drive and no one come to ask for bill. When we reach road, Akuku zoomed at 180. The only person that complain is Mpesa saying it is wrong to steal small money. We tell him because he is pastor, he go back and pay all. Again, we did not refuse to pay, there was no one to ask for money.

Tomorrow of that week, we go to a place owned by Kirima in Ngara. They cook the best chemsha in Nairobi. Long time, people all people of Nairobi, including my uncle that lives behind Nairobi University used to go there and eat their chemsha. That day, Kirima had not dieded, he was still living in Kitisuru. Kirima's is the only place they sell beer at the recommended retail price. Infact at times, they cut retail price by Kshs. 5.  We drink and drink and eat nyama of 1Kg. The waiter that serve us was very unfriendly. She get angry because when theuri look at her, he say:

"we ndirenda urutire muthuri wi haha etagwo Akuku thuruari nawe utonge" (remove thuruari to this man called Akuku and you will be reach)

According to the eye witness, they say she get climbed by the manager of that place and so, cannot entertain any jokes of muclimbano from revelers. Those days, anybody that was manager of Kirima was rich because they all fight and sometimes, dont know all his properties.

When Theuri see she get angry for nothing, he verbal diarrheas as usual " Ahh pole. Ona Akuku anjira ati ndangithugumira mundu wikiraga mithi na biker (ooh sorry. Akuku has just told me he cant urinate a person that put Kamisi (dont know engish word, sorry) and biker).

When she go to collect our meat, she refuse to carry water to wash us. They quarrel with the meat man and the man, jokingly threatened to pierce her with knife.  She come almost crying and say she has gone to report to police that the meat man want to pierce her with knife. After we finish meat, Theuri reminds us that if police come, they will take us along because we drink before Mututho say we drink.

Then, Theuri say dont fear police if you have money. The problem of police is money only. We order for more drink  but where. We stayed and stayed and no one to sell us. When we call other waiters, they tell us to wait for the one that was selling to us. They say everybody has a specific section to sell. We wonder because, we are only like three groups of customers in full club.

We then look for person to give money but no one is bothered. We take bill and walk out and climb car and left. We stole another 2k. Tomorrow of that week, we go there again. We waited to be rehiod the previous day's bill but no one asked. We did not even remember the lady, so we are not sure if she was indeed pierced by meat man. Theuri say that its alright because we have not even drinked beer of Kirima and yet, he is the richest man in Muranga where Akuku comes from. We have stolen many more times, but all other times, we go back tomorrow and pay.

Now, this is for the ladies that drink and eat peoples money and then, when it is time to be climbed they lost away. One day, a lady eat and drink money of Theuri. I wont say she was garbage, but he had collected her from a club after her friends got closed by men before she could even drink two drinks. But rukungu thinks that if you collect a person of out from a bar, it is garbage or small person of trap.

Theuri called her and they drink and drink. The first thing Theuri ask is "Murigo ndiraringa kinya rucio. nguira mama ndathie mabatha. Sawa? Na nie shuma yakwa iigana ya funda, uguo we haririe biu" (I will beat things until tomorrow. I will tell mama i have gone to Mombasa, ok? and then, my tree is like of donkey, so prepare piu). That is a way of gauging if she will be eaten or not.

She said she will give Theuri things. After drinking and drinking, she agree to go to room. When they reach to room, she started naming herself and refused to be climbed, giving lame reasons, like its her first time to meet Theuri and they should know each other.  Theuri look at her and refuse to know that when he climb her only one time, she will be seeing Theuri in air, he will not even pick her calls again.

Tomorrow of that day, it was Saturday. Theuri called her and she come with three peoples. They drink and drink and when it was time to be climbed, she say it is another day because she does not want her friend to know. Theuri understand this time and he tell himself that this is not a ka person of trap in the making.

Next week, she call Theuri and tell him that she want to meet him.  She came with two more chick. They meet in a club i wunt say. They find Theuri and Akuku drinking on bill. Akuku when he see many women see danger and lost away, leaving all the burden to Theuri.  The tu-persons drink and drink, all those double double beers. When bill reach 3k, Theuri look at it and decide to teach the person a lesson or two about life. He pretend he is going to latrine. He came back and reach dance floor, then dance dance and when he see no one see him, he lost away and closed his phone.

Lets those personwait for Theuri. They waited and waited until the waiter say he wants money for bill because  they were almost closing. Let the ladies sweat. They look for Theuri and call his phone but his phone was closed. 

The persons pleaded with waiter they only pay what they had taken, amounting to one thousand six but waiter refuse. She say all bill be paid together. Because the lady had known me in one of the meetings, she called me for help but when i hear it is not tiita that i am being called for, i pretended i cannot hear because of noise. They had to do a harambee and paid bill. Tomorrow, the person call Theuri and ask why he do such a thing. Theuri say:

"Reke ngwire swittie. Ndirakionire ngoma ingi ndeu ta ki ikiuma parking irahutia ngari yakwa. Na nie na fangi ciakwa, ndirateng'era ihenga, ndiramunyua ngundi ya uthio araringika. Kumbe thigari irari o hau. No kunyiya iranyitire. Ndaire kuo nie wanjigua haha" (Let me tell you. i saw one devil who was drunk, as he was removing his car from parking, he touched my car. Am me with my bangi, i run and punch him on face until he faint. I didn't know police were around. They came and catched me. I slept there, even if you hear me)

He telled the person to meet him in evening he will refund all amount of bill that she had paid. That evening when she come, she come only alone. As we drink, all people left except me and Theuri. When she see Theuri go to latrine, she almost follow him.

Later, he took her to room and beat her tree proper, then gave her the money she pay bill with. Later, when Theuri called her to come for beer and maybe muclimbano (although he only call her after all other dates fail), she only come alone.

Same same Theuri, the current wife he has now had the same habit of coming with friends. Theuri disapproved that and warned her. After few days, she forget and came with a friend at the then popular Jam rescue, Outering rd.  When they came, he called waiter and say "enderia muhiki uyu" (sell this lady beer.) Note, he did not sell sell to this ladies. He even pointedon his lady. The waiter asked what she will take and she say Tusker malt. When the waiter was about to leave to deliver the order, the lady, who is now wife telled the waiter

'ona uyu muenderie".  They drink in bill and drink in bill, all being put together. When it was time to pay, Theuri look at bill and ask why it is so big.  The waiter count beer but theuri return "no no no. ngwirire wenderie uyu, ndinakwira ucio ungi" (No no no. i said you sell to this lady not others).

His lady makad and tried to intervene but he refuse. It is his her that paid the bill as the other girl didnt have nothing. Even today, he say if his PM, who was his girlfriend then had no money with her on that day, he would not have paid. From that day, she catched manners, she never came with bargages.


I dont have guts to do some things that but i hope i have given some of you courage and ideas you can do and win bigtime.

Ps:  To all the people of out readers of this blog, i was not involved.  I cant do that to a lady of out like that but please, if we know each other and want to climbana, please please, dont come with bargages. I am more man man, i will not let you take beer on bill. But i will be afraid to buy many people i dont know beer.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

When I Got Sausage Fungwad by a 25 Year Old.

Its not newsworthy to write about getting sausage closed but if the person that get closed is none other than Wanjohi, of all the people, it is news. It is also news when Wanjohi get sausage closed by a 25yr old. I say that because, under normal circumstances, it takes me many convincing them ladies and spending many money on them before they agree to remove thuruari for me. It has never been so easy, except in some few occasions when i did taxi business.

One day, i looked at my wallet and saw it suffering too many deficiencies. And because i was thirsty of beer, I called Theuri, Mpesa and Akuku to borrow beer. They have never been known to refuse one another beer. Theuri can buy beer too but we dont make  mistake of going near him if you have a person of out and you are broke. He will buy beer but when  you borrow him money for room, he will say he will give you after, as if money is stating in his pocket to give birth.  He will take you round and round, buy you more and more then at the end, say "aaa mangai tuanya mbeca ciothe. Riu tuguika atia Wanjohi? (aah. we have drunk all money. What are we going to do.) If the person you have is a cierunde (those that walk with Thuruari on head),  Theuri will be left with her and eat the person for you.

We agreed we meet at Visa place, umo. So that they dont fail to come, i called Theuri and said "na haha ninda andu eri, kwanja umwe ndari na Thuruari. Gaka kangi ni kairu uria wendaga, kaihuritie urugari mwiri" (I have two peoples here, first one has no pantie. The other one is black the way you want, she is full of fire) If you tell Theuri you have a cierunde somewhere, he will never fail to come.

On my way to Visa, i remembered one pub called Hornbil where beer is cheaper than my local. I entered there and gave myself a seat at the counter. On the other side of counter, there was seating one hot person that kept looking at me. I dont like persons of out that look at me persistently. What come to my mind is that they are either person of trap or person of medicine and their only aim is to do a kizito on me. I continued to drink my beer as if nothing was happening.

When i look with vagina of my eye, i see she was consistently trying to get my attention. I get shy in such an instance and to remove shy, i looked at her and closed one eye on her. She smiled shyly, then beckoned the bar man called Mwai and said something to him. When she smile, i see one teeth is missing and that tells me she is from Gachie. Gachie has never been known to produce good people, so i tell my mind not to think of anything stupid.  The bar man came to me and tolded me that that person has said i order her beer. I did not say anything. Although i was suffering from money disease, even when i am loaded, i am not the type that throws round to persons that are not drunk. Our strategy with Theuri is, always wait until they are fully drunk and throw one drink at that time. Again, the kind of drink she was taking called Heineken is a colonialistic drink and i dont like the idea of buying drinks manufactured by white people. I am that patriot.

When she see i did not respond, i hear her tell Mwai to bring me one tusker. Although like Theuri, i dont say thank you if you buy me beer, i just did like this with my thump to show it has reached. Theuri say that he can only say thank you if you give him a plot, not beer. I am not the kind that want to be challenged by people of out and because of that, i returned hand by buying her one Heineken. Just like Malt and other small beers, it go two two but i tell Mwai to give her one only.

Some people, especially those who call themselfs independence women have horns, i tell you. When she saw i only buy her one and not two as they go in most clubs, she called Mwai and told him to bring me two Tuskers. And who is Wanjohi, i drunked all of them without returning hand again. I was not used to that competition. One time, when coming from latrine, i wented to where she was seated and introduced my self:

"My name is Wanjohi" i said, leaving Kigogoine deliberately.  She told me her name is Wambui, although pretending less interested.  Without saying more things, I went and sat back to my chair and continued to drink. There was one lady seated next to me and when i went back,we started to chat chat just like that. When the drinker of Heineken see i start to talk to the lady, she sent two redds for her and two more Tuskers for me. She had now boughted me 5 beers against one Heineken i had ordered for her. Seeing it too much went to her and asked her to come and sit where we were because i wanted to study her proper.

Its like she was waiting for that. She came and sit between us . I first measured her at 18 if she wanted to put medicine on us but when i remembered i had a Shina phone and less thank a k, I stoped getting worry. Again, the more one get drunked, the more one throws caution to the wind.

"Kai, wina nia iriku? kunjuraga na mai? " (you have what aim? to kill me with beer?) is that first thing i asked after she settled.

"You think i dont know you?  I have seen you here before and i thought of chokozaring you. When i saw you dont want to buy me beer, i said i can as well buy" she said in a rather soft voice like of radio people and in English. Me, when i know you can talk greek, i talk Greek, if you want to return in English or sheng, its shauri yako.  I cant speak English to a person that can speak and understand Greek.

"Ona nie ndanakuona ringi. na wimuthaka ta shaitani, kwaja figure iyo yaku" (I have seen you before. You are cute like satan, especially that figure.) Although i lied that i had seen her before, about being cute, she was very very beautiful.

We talked and talked but many of the talk was to flatten her because i wanted one more drink from her before zooming off to Visa. I had no plan whatsoever of climbing her. One i did not have money and two, i dont trust women that want to close me, they always have an added agenda not easily discerned.

She boughted two more for me but i refuse her to buy that other lady because i tell her we were not together. Small small, i see she touch my thigh as we talk. I also touch her small small, still fearing and in my mind, i had no plan for her. When i see my tree stand for nothing, i decided it was time to leave the place. I told her am going to Visa to meet friends. She telled me we can go together. I still had 850 bob left after paying for my one drink and her one drink, so i said, its enough to buy one one at Visa as we look for Theuri.  We still had drinks left, i told her to return and get cash back but she refuse. She tell Mwai to take all and keep money. When we go out, i pretend i am returning to check on something and telled Mwai my beer should be kept as stock for tomorrow.

When we enter car, we kissed and kissed and i touch touch her small because i see she enjoy it. When i touch her brookside branch, i feel they were firm and small, they had never been sucked by babies.

"Sweerie,  can you get a room somewhere, i want to rest kiasi" She whispered. In me, i knew that was another way of saying "I want your tree in me ASAP". A clever person has no given of news. He reads in between the lines.

I did one plus one and remembered one guest house called Jeremani. The owner is my friend and so, i knew i could access credit facility anytime. After all, if i dont get him, rooms there are 700bob and they are of good standard.

We zoomed to there and found Munene, the room's attendant. I told him to give me one room i pay tomorrow which he agreed.  But when i tell him to give me makobosto on credit he refused. He sell Makobosto 100 bob and I am sure that is his side business.

This person was in real need of tree. Even before i finish closing room, she had removed trouser and top. She remain with a hot pant and bra. When i turn, the first place my eyes landed was her camel toe, sending immediate signals to my tree.  Inside myself, i knew i was acting like a person of trap. Although i cannot be shown, I had to pay back the beers i drinked and I was not very happy about that. I like eating a person i struggle to get, not those that come with pantie on head. It makes me feel better, i dont know why.

I moved slowly, dancing dancing, then held the person and kissed. I throw her on bed and slowly remove the pantie. When she see i want to suck tiita, she tell me we wash body first. We went to shower and as we shower i just had to 'act' and please her. Although i dont like it, i suck breasts and tiita in shower although uncofortable. Water enter my ears and nose but i continue to suck and suck until she pour. She also sucked my tree  but i did not pour in shower.

Then i take towel and wipe all water on her body, then wiped me. I throw her on bed, then rolled makobosto on my josto and continued to suck. I closed all holes, like what i do when i want woman to say mbu. She cried with sweetness until she remove tears. After the joti, she telled me that she has never been climbed and felt that good in her entire life. She tell me for 6 months, she had never been climbed because she break up with her boyfriend after her boyfie accused her of getting climbed out and it was not the case. They boyfie took another girl and that was too pain for her to handle.

In my mind, i knew she was measuring me. I knew the chances were, she was a person of somebody and had had some mistunderstandings with her man and to consolse herself, she said she will be climbed by a stranger.  I believed my version because, later on, when i want to climb her, she was not available all time. She only wanted to come when she wanted and not when i wanted. But that is life.

(The best Team in England was climbed three shots by another good team. All holes were closed, although we only pour one time. We regret the loss anyway. We dont have enough shock absorber like Arsenals and Chelsie who are used to getting climbed all time, so if you care, and you have a Man u fan friend, buy them two drinks everytime you meet them until i say stop.)

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine

The Day Theuri Almost Wanjirud.

If you have problem with your marriage, be careful who you ask to help solve it. And worse still, if you are climbing people or getting climbed out, be careful who you ask to shield you. You will learn from this incident about Theuri and his one time good friend and business partner. Theuri never talks about his because he saw fire with his own eyes and escaped being a resident of city mortuary by the grace of God.

Back in the days, just after Theuri finished reading in university, he start business, just like me. He partnered with one man called Tulaga. Tulaga is nickname because he come from Kinangop where tulaga is the only means of transport from Nairobi. Tulaga was and is still a master climber of people. There is no woman that he can point and fail to climb. Climbing people is like a prescription to him. Every weekend, he must climb somebody.

In the business they put together, sometimes they used to travel out of town, so even whenever he wanted to climb people of out, he would lie to his PM that he has traveled out of town.

One day, as they drink beer, Tulaga see a person of out and say he must climb. Tulaga is not like me who climb a person one joti and feel satisfied. He climbs and climbs until tomorrow. He neither takes enhancement drugs like what i do at times when i am beaten. You know there are some enhancement like Kamagra you take and you eat and eat until she get dry. But some of them are bulshit, like Enzoy. Besides tasting like urine, it did not make me stand for many times like i thought.

The person was a pupil in one of the college and she stay in one of the hostel in Ngara. After Tulaga see he must climb, he call Theuri for meeting. He tell Theuri to take Tulaga's car (Theuri had not boughted car then) and go with it home and in the morning, he come pick him so that he lie to the PM that they were together for business. He then called the PM and say "Ithuri tutigitukiriirwo naguko Mtito Andei. Na niundu wa marori uria macinaga mundu utuku ri, tuona tukome guku" (We have been nighted here at Mtito Andei. And because of the way trrucks burn people at night with lights, we have decided to sleep here)

Tomorrow of that day, Theuri come and pick him from lodging and they go to Tulaga's house. When Tulaga's PM see Theuri and Tulaga together, she believe that indeed, they were out of town. Infact when they go home, they pass to Marigiti and buy Potatoes and cabbages so that they lie they boughted in upcountry as they come.

Theuri is another person. He will never see a 'loophole' and fail to take advantage. Be it business, or holes of people of out. He is just but bad news. One day, Tulaga as usual call theuri and tell him " Eh munene, oya ngari ukangira kiroko room ta kawaida" (Eh boss, take car and pick me in morning like usual)

Because they were used to talk and beat jokes with the PM also, he called the PM after he leave Tulaga " Kweruo atia nyina wa tuana turi mwiri?" (How are you mother of people in body)

She said she is ok and theuri continued "urugite ki njuke ndie " (what have you cooked i come eat. She say, although in jokes that Theuri was invited. Theuri beat car fire until Tulagas house. When the PM see Tulagas car, she ask where is Tulaga and Theuri tell her to relax. Thinking she will be told that Tulaga has been killed by gangsters, Theuri tell the PM,

"Tiganana na muthee. ndatiga akigagurwo ni tuiretu twa cukuru town. Nie arume ndioi uria mendaga tondu ri, kairetu gathaka tawe, yello yello na no kumanga manga" (Leave mzee alone. I have left him being served by college girls in town. Me i dont know what men  want because, a good woman like you, yellow yellow and yet he is still loitering around) Wife refuse to believe and think theuri is joking. Theuri tell her if you want to confirm, he will call him. Theuri call Tulaga and put speakerphone on and say

"Mutongoria, kamundu uhihinyite tushoti tuigana riu?" (leader, how many shots have you squeezed so far? ). Tulaga returns

" Reke nguire, ino ni engine njeru. Gaka ona ninie ndatumura. ona condom itigithirire" (Let me tell you. This is new engine. this one i am the one that open. Even makobosto is finished). Then continued " ndu kahorie thimu, ndaingiria nguhurire wiigue uria karakaya wega wega ngithugua" (dont switch phone off. when i insert, i will call you you listen how she cry good when i am climbing).

Wife cries and Theuri tell her not to cry. He tell her the best thing is to repay through same same. He tell her she should also get climbed too. Theuri borrowed and that day, he climb Tulagas pm good good until tomorrow. When tomorrow morning comes, Theuri rushed to pick Tulaga so that they appear together to the PM and say that they were together in other towns for business.

He went and picked Tulaga and they pass at Marigiti to buy things as they were used to. They went home and tulaga greets wife in hug and then say "reke nguire. Thabari iyo ndirari nene. Mutito tuauma 7, na ni wona thaa ici tui guku. Andu a Mtutito makugeithia muno" (Let me tell you. That journey is big. Mtito we leave at 7 and we are here at this time. People of Mtito said hi, then *wink* wink*). The PM just look at him, not angry and not happy because she was also guilty.

Tomorrow of that week, same thing, and in morning, Theuri would go and pick him and they go to the house. Then, as usual, Tulaga would start:

"reke nguire nyina wa uria, turari nyaikuru na Theuri na mbiacara ni njega. ona ndina waru hau buti thie urite. (Let me tell you mother of nanii, we were in Nakuru and business is good. I even bought potatoes for you. Remove from boot.)

Wife would just look and say 'ooh. nithengio.' (ook thanks).  But in her heart she know that he was from climbing people and she too has been climbed proper by Theuri. The process continued for many many months until one fateful day.

One day, Tulaga call a person of out from i cant remember where. They drink and drink and as usual, Theuri drops them in Tulaga's car in one of the rooms in ngara. When they reach room, the lady start raining. Her month come two day before its time, according to her. Since Tulaga could not sleep with a person of out and not eat her, he decided to call Theuri to drop him home. Tulaga say he cannot eat a person with month because it will attract bad luck to him. Although he had lied to the PM that they are in Nakuru, he say he will tell the PM that they have decided to come by dark, even if Buses heading to western burn them badly with lights.

When Tulaga call Theuri, he hear the phone is mteja. Because of the way his tree was standing, he say he will take taxi to his house and eat the PM with the image of that girl that he lefted in room because she had month. When he reach gate, he see his car and fail to know how it come here. The car was supposed to be with Theuri. When he knock house, wife come down to open. According to her, there was no chance in hell for her husband to come home. The process had happened for many months and there was no chance of backfire. She had come down to open even without alerting Theuri who was fast asleep after eating a person of other. She was so confused at that time.

She opened and when she see it is her husband, she fail to know what to do. Tulaga there there suspected and ask who came with car.  She stammers when aswering but Tulaga hear Theuri's name.  Tulaga rushed in speed to his bedroom upstairs where he found Theuri fast asleep snoring. When he removed bedsheets, he see Theuri butt naked. He punched Theuri so hard on face until he remove blood by nose. Theuri wake up fast, still not feeling pain and when he look and see Tulaga, he thinks he is dreaming.

Theuri jumped from bed and begged Tulaga. Tulaga then run down downstairs to kitchen and pick knife. Theuri look at window and wanted to wanjiru but he see distance too big. He see he might fall by head and die if he jump, so he change mind. Because he know trouble might come, he close the bedroom door and remain inside saying his last prayers, just incase Tulaga burn the house. When wife see Tulaga with a knife, she run out and say alot of mbu that attracted the whole of neighborhood. All people of neighbor come and plead with Tulaga.

After many people come, and it was past 3 AM, the wife tell neighbors that she was hitting back because Tulaga eat people. He tell them, date by date, even time,  when and who he eat. All neighbor hold their mouth  in shock but advise her that that was a wrong way of hitting back.

Theuri after seeing many people had opened door and come out to plead and say sorry to all people that he had caused pain, although no one listens to him. Tulaga enter house, picked some clothes, then telled theuri he has given him that woman. He was fuming with fire.

The PM turned to Theuri and tell him he set her up. How true that was i dont know, but everytime, Theuri used to tell Tulaga "Nairofi gutiri kuauma mutumia" (Nairobi has never removed woman. I guess he say that because the wife of Tulaga was a born city.

Their businessmen relation ended there there. The man went and married another woman, although later, they reconcile. He has two wifes as we are talking, and still climb babies of college. He say anything above 21 is too old for him. Their relation with Theuri has never been as it was before.  Because they are all my friends, when i go to Theuri, he tell me

"Tulaga no araia tuana. Ni mundu mukigu muno. Ndari hakiri. Handu arie andu mature, mundu ungiguitira mbiacara, ni tuana ariaga. No mbeca tumuriaga" (Is tulaga still eating babies? he is fool, instead of eating people that are mature, people that can call business for you, it is babies of college. Its his money they only eat).

When i go to Tulaga, he say "Muratagwo niatigire kuria makoro. Ucio ona angiona cukura niakuria. Fata hakorwo hena irima" (Did your friend stop climbing garbage? That one even Chokoras he can eat. Provided there is hole).
 And because i want free beer, i return

" Urauga atia we,  hari ingi ndiramukorire nayo, kinya magego ndiri ni gukura (what do you say you, there is one i meet him the other day, has even no tooth because of old age). When i tell him that, he laught and get happy and ask for three Summits for Wanjohi. I cannot say anything to earn a beer from Theuri. With Theuri, even if he say you get 3, at the end of the day, he take bill and do mathematics, then say "o mundu arege magana manana" (Everybody, bring 800 bob).

I remain,


Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

My Trials, Tribulations and Temptations as Taxi Driver Part 2

I have told you before my tribulations and temptations i wented through when i was doing taxi business. I have tried to count how many people of out i climbed both in car and in their houses, and mostly almost by force and when it reached 9, i stopped counting.

I have telled you how i climbed one at her posh residence in Kileleshwa. I started with that story because she tell me to leave her house very early in morning, knowing very well that i leave my taxi in Langata. I had to walk all the way to Westlands to catch matatu to town.  I have climbed others, although they dont have good drama than that of kileleshwa, but since they are still story, i will tell because it doesn't happen everyday in normal circumstance.

I used to trap at Nakumatt that burnt down during day and at night, i go to tropez out or down down kimathi street. One day, one woman come before nakumatt close (it was not 24/7 those days). Because i had carried her many times, she come and do many shopping and keep in my car. She then telled me she is going to drink beer with the girls and will call me when she is about to go home.

But before she go, she telled me i go with her and drink beer on her but being on a friday, i refuse because we had many jobs on weekend. At around past midnight, she call and tolded me to pick her up at 680.

Since i had not seen one customer, i thanked God for that one because i charge her 1500 to Ruaka estate. She come down very drunk. When she enter car, she come and give me peck. I was used to getting pecks from ladies of out passagers, so i felt nothing but when we drive and she touch touch me, my tree start to stand. She then tell me i am handsome and look good and smart. Although i dressed well even when i do taxi, although many problems, i knew she was flattening me. If anybody thinks that i am handsome, then Andrew ligare, the man that draw boundaries of senators and governors is then, a super handsome man. However, i took it lying down because i wanted her atleast after she arrive, she is beaten by tha or pity and add me some tip on top of the one thousand five.

When we reach gate, she telled me to help her carry some items to her house upstairs. Being so late, i first hesitated but she insisted. Again, i did not like people treating me as courier boy. My work was to carry them to their destinations and not to help them carry things.  When i open boot, she tell me its not good idea to do that when car is outside, so she telled me to insert the car inside her compound. When i enter, she show me where to pack but i park near gate. She telled me i will block other cars if i pack there. I started to refuse to know why just helping her take things upstairs will cause jam. After she insisted, i moved car and pack inside well.

We enter house. She enter latrine very fast, leaving me standing inside and not telling me to sit. Because the house is very smart, i did not tell myself to sit, so i just stand at door like fool. When she come, she tell me to seat as she remove Vodka from one of the paper bags we came with. She then ask me what i will mix. I have never been known to refuse beer at all cost and it was a while since i had drinked beer, so i said hot water.

She poured Vodka and bring water and served me. As i drink and beat story, she tell me she has one baby but is with grandmother for holiday in the village. I dont ask about husbands but because i fear what would happen to me incase a man comes in at that time, i ask her about him. She throws saliva out and say "mmh. muthee wa ngoma. nindamuehereire ahote kuhura umaraya wega" (I removed myself he be able to beat prostitutes well." With that statement, i felt secure and good because i know if i happen to eat, just incase, it will not be another man's woman. I dont eat other men's wifes. But for girlfriends, i can eat anytime of the day.

After we beat stories small, she telled me she is gone to freshen up. I drink in hurry because i want to go back to work and continue trapping. When she removed from bathroom, she come  with a towel wrapped around her. She start to smear her legs with lotion and pull towel up. I pretend i am not looking but I see red thighs and i feel something go twap, in my stomach. My tree then misbehave and start to stand again.When she look at me, she see i am shyly not looking, only with vagina of eye. She continue to smear more and more until i now look life life now.

I count one to three, to prepare myself to say to her "mangai kuu ni kuguru. kuu ni kwa njogu ma i" (True god, that is leg? that is of elephant)

She  giggles and as if she had gotten confidence two folds, she came and kiss me on my lips. And who is wanjohi? I kiss her back and slowly but surely slip my hand up her thighs. When i go up up, i feel she is shaved. Quickly, my tree stand straight zigzag and she see that. After taking 4 gulps of Vodka, my eyes and mouth opened and i start to flatten her again.

When she saw i enter her box completely and that i am determined to climb her, she come closer to me and kissed my lips, then asked "Derefa, have you ever been measured?"

"Njita Wanjohi, derefa ni muthigari wa prisons. Nie kinya kiruru giakwa nigithime". (I  is called Wanjohi. Derefa is askari of prison.  Even my shadow is measured)

"Wanjohi, me is nurse of Agakhan. I have measuring instruments here" she said jokingly. "Do u want to be measured?"

"Thima, nini. Ona wenda kurehe latiri ithime kinya kilo ciakwa rehe. Kari gani. " (Measure me. Even if you want to measure my kilogram, bring latri and measure. Whats up)

She rushed to bedroom and come with the kit. I wanted to run away when i saw she come with them. All along, i thoughted she was joking. I did not run because it was already too late. She removed her blood and measured herself. She then asked for my hand to measure. Trembling testicles like leaf, i gave it half heartedly. She then look after one minute and say

"waaoo.. we are clean. We dont have mneck. We can now climbana meat to meat without fear"

I was too drunk with horny and beer when she say that. I imagined myself climbing such a thing and telled myself that, even if she tell me she has gotten stomach, i wouldn't mind to have a baby with such a creature. I will rear the baby.

In slow motion, i removed her towel and throw it on seat, leaving her butt naked. I look at the tits and i see they are big, just the way i like it. All that while, sometimes i feel like i am dreaming. I do not pinch myself because i may pinch myself and wake up, yet it was a good dream. This lady was the type, when she stand up and but legs apart, then attention, you see a hole at the end of thighs. It is word i lack to describe her but this the type you can even eat when she is standing. Those types that have kamwanya and her hole is up up small.  You can enter your tree  and it will go three quarter inside.

I stand there for two minutes to admire her shape and yellow yellow body. I give her compliments, although some are just flattening, one because i dont want her to change her mind and two, i want her to add money.

Those days, i suck tiita very well. I sucked tiita and suck until she say alot of mbu. I even fear she will wake up neighbors. When she finish to say mbu, she come and touch my tree. She look at my tree, then look at my face and tell me she like the shape of my tree. She say trees that are not straight make women feel good. She say it drill all part of hole. That made me very proud because when i was small and i see my tree stand zig zag, i fold with cloth to straighten it , although it did not become straight.

Like she is trained to suck tree, she suck tree and suck even testicles until i pour without entering. She does not stop to suck testicles until i stand again.

Just like i told you that it requires a miracle for me to eat somebody 2 shots, she disturb me the whole night and make my tree stand. Although she was beautiful, she is too slippery and so i dont feel like doing her again. When  it stand, i climb somebody very fast before it slows down. When i feel like it is about slowing down, i put picture of beautiful girls that read news. Those days, there was no Tahidi high so, there was no Tanya and there was no facebook girls then. You know this days, if the cow refuse to gaithia, i put picture of Tanya on my mind and the tree stand zig zag very fast. When Tanya fail to make it stand, i put picture of some girls i see very beautiful on facebook. I imagine it is them lying next to me, making the tree stand.

On that night, i eat like all TV ladies anchors of those days that looked good. I wunt say who made it stand faster because i dont want wrath but i swear, she did big miracles. I ate that somebody until tomorrow at 10. I leave house tomorrow after breakfast. When i was about to leave, she pulled me back to house and climbed one quick joti on seat. When i leave house, she did not pay me for my taxi. I wanted to ask for payment but felf ashamed to ask. It was stupid thing to do because i was hustler fighting to make ends meat. I lefted that house feeling bad because i had not drinked enough petrol the night before because i say i will drink on my way back at parklands. As i drive back, i tremble all testicles because i feel like it will finish petrol on way. When i reach town, i borrow money to drink petrol before i got a customer.

From that day, i say i will not enter houses of people of out but later, i finded myself many more times in their houses, although not all time i eat them.

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine.

The First Time I Climbed A Person of Trap.

If you have heard this from someone else, he must have heard it from me, so sit back and hear it from the experiencer.

I have telled you early that i have eaten people trap many times but i stopped when i was catched eating one in a motorcar. I started eating people of trap early enough when most of you were still children of birth. The first time i ate, i was still a pupil of form three in Kagumo seconday. (I hear they is make is it National school. So, my friend that wented to Starehe and speak good english will shut his mouth because he is more proud of going to National school than University where he read how to do mathematics called Calculus  like calculator.

If you know Nyeri, you know the heart where you can get the cheapest hole. It is called Majengo. I was motivated by one pupil we called Dobi Dobi. Dobi dobi is a pupil that almost made me drink bangi many times. After losting from school, he wouild go to Majengo and eat a person of trap, then come back with minute to minute account. (he breaked the school record of buying many barbed wire in 2yrs because, if you were catched losting from school, the punishment was to come with parent and barbed wire). A shot for students, particularly from our school was Kshs. 20 bob.

When he come from eating those people of trap, he would tell us how he eat three different trappers. One Saturday, he came to a group of us and telled us:

" mangai last sato ndirariire imundu ithatu. kwaja kamue ni kana biu. karainiria ta ikamba mungu moja (one god, last sato i eat three persons. first, one was child complete. she sings her waist like kamba lady)

It was not expensive then to eat people of trap. With twendi bob, you were assured of shot, according to Dobidobi. Although Dobidobi come from poor people, he finance his cigarete, bangi and people of trap by stealing bedsheets, spoons and blankets and selling them to those women. We drew with him to take us to people of trap, me and two other boys.

In Majengo, it had streets too. There are those street that sell bangi, for Chang'aa and for women. I hear people of english origin call it redlight district. He took us to a group of trapping people and when they see us, they know we are customers. They put legs apart and we see their vaginas, none shaven. Because i shake too much, i had never seen such things in my life, i go to the one that called me first.

Although look old, she was quite something. Big buttocks and small mouth. I had been telled that if you see one with small mouth, know that she has small vagina. How true it is, i still dont know. When we enter house, she tell me

'Kijana, shoti ni chilingi alubaine. Reta pesa kwaja' I did not like that word 'kijana' but i guess she say that because i was tiny.

I looked at her still not confident and tell her that i was told it is twendy bob.  she looked at me and in anger tell me

'chilingi twendi tunafanyaga brow job" 

I almost walked out but being that she was experienced customer service, she come near me and start rubbing my head softly. She pitched me a for real, telling me that for arubaine, she will give me the best muclimbano i have ever seen.  I was defenceless, so quickly i said its ok.

'Hapa mutu anaripaga kabla ya kura. Reta mbesha' I dont know why she wanted money first and i hesitate. I had heard bad tales about how you can pay them and after eating, they yell asking for more, yet you had paid before. I dipped my pocked and removed forty shillings and handed over to her.

She started to fondle my dick and said "na huyu mutoto si uko na mboro kubwa. uko na miaka ngapi? I did not answer and was geting impatient because i really really wanted to eat somebody and go beat stories in school. She removed my trouser and droppeed it down. When she see the josto life life, she say 

"eeh mangai. onawe ni itheru. utaongetha kumi. hii mboro ni ya mwanaume"  (ooh my. you are joke. you will add 10 bob. your josto is for grown up).

I ignored her and when she see i am getting impatient, she removed her black pantie and put it on table. I will never forget. She then sit on a very shabby bed and throw makobosto to me. She asked if i know how to put condom and anwered in affirmative.

I was expecting to see scenes like we seid in porn movies, like getting my treesucked and stuff. I had never had my tree sucked before. But i was wrong. She lie and lift her skirt up and then  put her finger in her mouth, wets it and then wets the pussy.  

I climbed the bed, although myself butt naked, positioned my tree on her pussy that had many hairs (that why i hate unshaved pussy, i guess), then pushed it slowly inside her vagina. I felt alot of hotness inside. It goed without any stopage or hindrance. At that age, all the girls i had eaten, if any, had tight holes or undone ones.

Then, like i am being driven my engine, i pumped hard and fast. She stopped me and say 

"hei mutoto. hheeheheh, nikii, thie kahora!. gutiri handu kirathie. kwanja waikia uguo ugutura condomu na yaturika turihagia magana meri (hei, you kid, go slow, its going nowhere. infact if you go that fast, you will burst makobosto and if you burst, we charge 200 bob.)

I had not done a whore before and so i had to play with the rules. With slow moves now, she singed her waist and i felt very good. I thrust until she pick rythm. Funny enough, i did not pour. i think the parafin that was putted in githeri in school can as well work as viagra. I dont know if she pretends or it was real becaue she cry for feeling good. "aaahhh uuuuuu ooioo aaa hapooo iviiiii.. ingizaaaaa tenaa  ooohhh aaaaahhhh swittiiiiii ongeza kabisa... aooooooo' until i felt my testacles shake and pwaff.. poured and colapsed on top of her.

She did not let me rest small on top of her. She shouted to me 'Mutoto, amuka urudi chure. Na usome kwa bidii. Na nimeona unajua kazi eh!'

When i go back to school, i ask myself, if my dad knows that the pocket money he give me i am using to eat people of trap, what would he think?  i felt very angry with myself. I said that i will never go back there again. But the vow was very short lived. I became broker for boys that wanted to be taken there.  If i take one boy, the trapper give me 5 bob and the boy give me 10 bob.

P.S:  If you want to climb the equivalent of those, there is a place along Luthuli avenue. Somewhere upstairs. I have never eaten there but i went there two times when i was in college, and some people tell me its still there. I hear a joti is 200 bob and you pay room only 100 bob. Also, Karumaindo, aka Sabina joy has the same service but not sure of the charges. I used to enter there long time to urinate but cant dare now, rest Theuri see me coming from there. It will be talk of the month. When i was pupil of college, i hear that place people call it Hall 14. If you are still a pupil, and you want first hand experience, ask anybody to take you to Hall 14. To the rest, if you have three hundred bob with you, i have good news for you.  You can eat somebody in this Nairobi. Economy is not that bad anyway.

(I have just remembered how i was sausage fungwad. It was not drama but its is good story. Tomorrow i tell you. )

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine

The Weekend That Never Was

If you're reading this, you're either reading it in a pool of fire that has engulfed you in hell, or else the world did not end on Saturday as predicted. But we never know, probability has never been zero, ask any philosopher. So, there is a probability that either hell is not so bad after all because you still have internet,your job and the same people you used to know around you or,  you will be on earth for much longer time than than you thought.

For me, i would wish they get that man and end his world so quickly because of the trauma he caused me and many others. The trauma was not as a result of the news that the world was ending. The trauma was as a result of many text messages i received the whole of Saturday. Very very annoying messages from some of my friends. If you sent me one of those texts that read like 'Am in heaven, Abrahams street blah blah' i did not like it at all. Save for some few of my pals that i respect so much that not to return a text is viewed are rude, i had to text back like...  "hahahah" or 'lol', albeit on a frowned face and anger. I choose not to read the rest . However, that craze brought both mixed fortune and fate to me and Theuri. 

We were having one in one of the backstreets pubs in Nairobi with Theuri and others not known to you when i received one such text. It was from one very very voluptuous lady that sell me socks and occasionally in one of exhibitions in town. (occassionaly because, when i need to buy stuff, i hardly buys from exhibitions. I go to Gikomba or Eastleigh and get the same stuff for much less. I only buy when i want to impress those ladies. I know all holes in Naurobi. So, if you want to know all those holes, you have my number. Call any time)

When i received that text, I did not finish the first two words because it was all about the stuff that had spoiled my mood the whole day. When i hear my phone  "tiititi tititi.." i check very fast because i thought being on a sato, somebody might have been catched by the devil and sended me Mpesa by mistake. It was not Mpesa but a text from one lady of out. I called her back and tellled her that she is very very funny and creative and that i like. Then, i telled her that if her name will not have been called by 8PM, because the list, obviously was long, she should call me back for a drink or two.

Among those we were destroying our money with was Mafiosa and Theuri. When i told the mafiosa and Theuri that i am inviting a very very juicy voluptuous chick and so we have to move from the back street to a better joint, theuri turned to me and say:

"We nguiraga ugie hakiri. tiga wana. niko karagura njohi kana niwe? Arafu breweries ikiruga njohi ri, niyugga ino ni ya Sankara, ino ni ya Remisce kana ino niya Timau kana ya Madhuka? ngoma. Gete haha, ureciria niku ugagatwara gatari gathie? airetu mendaga mundu utara show off, mundu tawe wina tuindo na uranyua kundu  funny ta guku. Kari gani!" (You wanjohi i tell you to have brains. leave child. is she going to buy beer or you? then, when breweries cook beer, do you think they grade it, this is for Sankara, this is for reminisce, this is for Timau and this is for Madhuka drinkards? Again, girls love people that dont show off, person like you you have things but you drink in funny places like this. Whats up!)

I told them that what was coming is so yummy that if i will climb, i will stay for one week without hunger of josto and so that place was not the best for her. Theuri looked at me and say to Mafiosa "ungiugua mundu wanjohi aragana nahinya uguo, either ahana marebe kana ni arite na arend ana ithui tururinde. Kana wanjohi ndari kindu umuthi arenda tugurire mundu wake kindu nake ainere baaday. Tiga gutuika mundu sirry" (If you hear somebody wanjohi is praising, either she looks like drums or he has eaten and want us to eat too. Or he does not have money and want us to buy his person beer, then him is just to sing for it.)

Even before 8, she called and i told her where to come to the warosho for one. She came after a short time accompanied by another person of out. She was equally good but starved, exactly what Theuri likes, although he can eat anything after 2AM. Theuri say he like, thin and dark.  Thin because they can put legs at 180 degrees when being beaten tree and are easy to turn turn around. Black because black attract and keep heat. So, when you climb a dark lady, they must be very very hot. That is the gospel according to Theuri though.

When they come and sit, they find us drinking Gilbey's. There is something Theuri tells me he cant do, and that is to start buying people of out, especially those of exhibition or ladies you find in bar beer. His tenets are, wait until other men buy them until they are drunk. After they are drunk enough, send a beer or two. To them, the one that buys last laughs last. The rule that he who pays the piper plays the tune dont apply to people of out. Its sad, but true.

Theuri, even without asking what they will take ask the waiter to bring two glasses and additional honey and lemon. The waiter bring glasses. I hear Theuri talk bad to waiter because he bring glasses of water. He tell the waiter to bring glasses that serve spirit. I fail to know what difference it makes, even if you drink with plastic container, like of keg, the destination is mouth, then stomach, and after all, thats a backstreet pub where you even drink while standing.

We drink Gilbeys until we finish four halves. As we continue to drink, the ladies open small small. Theuri tell them that he work as manager of family bank and i tell them i am manager at G4S. I tell them very soon, we will be chomokaring with mamillioni but this time, in a fool proof way.

After getting filled enough to afford beer in upmarket bars, we start to complain of slow service in that warosho bar. We case to go to pubs with better services and have better music. Theuri cant listen to anything that is not Mugithi. Those persons wanted Reminisce but finally, settled for Citrus Inn. All along, i hear my person talk to someone and say "ningukuhurira. ndina my sister na boyfriend yake, ningukuhurira (I will call you. i am with my sister with her boyfriend. will call you). That person call and call and i think he was asking which direction because she say " guku ona ndioi. kirafu giki gitiri ritwa. naguku ngong'i rodi" (I dont know, this club has no name. here along ngong road)

At citrus, we beat our chest and ask the peoples to order what they drink. One take black ice and the other take Redds. Where we sat, it was abit dark. I touch touch my person until she get on heat. Theuri was not touching his person, only giving stories. She seemed to enjoy the stories until my person shift attention to Theuri stories. I closed eye on Theuri to reduce volume and talk talk.  I was not afraid of loosing my person to Theuri. He had his perfect match but i was getting worried by the attention he get from my voluptuous mundu. When i closely look with 'gati ka ritho (vagina of eye), i see his chick small small remove Theuri josto.

When mine see her pal do that, she turned to me and say "ukunjika stylo iriku?" (you will do me which style). I tell her "nie ngukugariora ta ngima. Akorwo nduri waugithio mbu ni mundurume, umuthi wihariire (I will turn you like hot ugali. If no man has ever sayed mbu to you, today i must say you mbu) "kwanja kau karunguthu kuonga muno nie. Ngukagucia na ruru ririmi kinya kaihure kanua" (first, that tiita, i will such it too much. I will pull it with this tongue until it fills my mouth.

Motivated by that, she put her hand and touch my hardened josto and comments, 'ngai mwathani, shuma ino yothe ikugera ku? ma iguthirira karima ini gakwa na niguo ge kanini". (god father, where will all this iron pass? tru it will disappear in my hole and the way its small). With that, we ask waiter to bring more beer and more beer.

I listened to Theuris conversation and heard him say " Nie reke nguire. Uka monday ku aprovire loan wambie kugira nguo oganda. Nie ndirenda uteithike utige kuandikwo tuwira twa wana. kwanja nie ningakuhee ngiri twendi, ugacokia wathondeka mbeca" (Let me tell you. Come on Monday i approve loan for you you start bringing from Uganda. I want you to be helped. Personally, i will also add you 20k, although you will return to me when you make money. stop being written in those jobs of child)

Upon hearing that statement, i saw her lady turn and bend to say, " ngai, ukunyingiria njikarite uguo" (you will beat me tree when i bend like this?) There there, i knew even Theuri had been given.

At  1AM, we agree which room to go. The ladies tell us no problem but we take one one more. When waiter take our order, the people say they go to latrine. They seem to take ages in latrine because we wait and wait, but they dont come. When we call their number, it is switched off. Immediately, we knew that they had lost.  Theuri turn to me and blame me. He say i call ladies that i know will only drink our beer and lost.  I told Theuri to take heart because all things work for good. Maybe makobosto would have bursted and we catch mneck or somebody gets stomach or Theuris methods of checking mneck infested eyes fails him this time.

On sunday, just before mid-day, i see the lady call. She sound sleepy and voice is lost In my mind, i knew somebody has just finished beating her tree after taking our beer the whole night. When  i ask why they lost away, she tell me "ta imajini turathire dance floor tuaigua karuimbo kega. Gucoka tutinamukora. ma nimuratuikire uru no hatire uhoro. (imagine we went to dance floor  when we hear nice song. When we come back, we did not find you. You did very bad).

Although i know she lied to me, i am sure she went to the bastard that kept disturbing her on phone.  Next time, i will call her when somebody has already drunked his beer, even if its you. I will call her and she will leave the person for me, just the same way she did to us. But when we go to room, because it still pains me for what she did, i will make sure i beat my previous record of pouring. One second and pwaffff. When i pour, i will dress up and lie to her that i am going downstairs to buy beer and leave her hanging on heat.


One of this days, i will tell you what i did to one person of out that had tormented me for many times. Its a long story but for a recap, I waited she remove and i returned my and left room. When she ask me why, i say i did not like what i see.  Although my josto standed, i walked out and climbed a person of trap. I did that because one, i was drunk and two, she eat my money only to be eaten by a friend that come from USA because he speak good english and wear bling bling. 

That is how bad news i can get at times.

I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine

Ever Caught Pants Down?

I dont know if you have ever been catched pants down by your better half. Its a very unpleasant experience. If never, pray that it never happens to you. Theuri tell me his story yesterday. I am still laughing, although i dont know if it is true or not because Theuri is a good copy story teller. You tell him story today and tomorrow, it becomes his story.

One day, Theuri had a project in Eldoret. That meant, he stay in Eldoret for long time, like one week or two weeks non stop. One day, he come from Eldi on sunday and finds his family already in church.  In the same court where he live, there lived a girl that live in one of the servants quarters. He was among the people climbing her. That lady work for Emirates as waiter and hosting, so many times she is in Dubai and other continents.

Just when he was about to call his PM and announce the big news that he has arrived, he see the Emirates coming from work. They talk small and since it was long time since he climbed her, they agree to meet in a home pub for a drink and climbing each other later.

A moment later, the family comes from home from church and soldier tells the PM that he see Theuri car come and go. When she try to call Theuri, Theuri say he is in town and will come later. Just as wife open the gate to her house, she see the Emirates and another girl leave house in hurry and something tells her that she is going to see her husband. She had been told earlier by rumour mongerers that they have friendship.

Theuri go to his homepub in Buru. Instead of packing infront of the bar, which happens to be same building that houses houses Barclay's and Coop bank, he inserts the car inside innner parking. There are also more pubs but Theuri doesnt drink in those pubs. He then returns to his favorite which is next to Barclays and a moment later, he is joined by the Emirates and another pal of Theuri. They enjoy their dink at the counter as they talk and laugh in loud voice as if its only them that are in that pub.

The feelings in Theuri wife tells him that Theuri could be in that home pub. After leaving the baby with the new auntie, she decides to look for Theuri in that pub. She first look for his car at parking but doent see it. She thinks of going back home but something tells her to go inside and check.

As they continue to drink, that friend of Theuri see wife coming and alerts Theuri. Theuri, in the speed of light removed from back door and hide in the stalls at back. Wife storms in the bar and when she see tension, she suspect something.

She turned to the pal of Theuri, who she knew well as a good friend of theuri and ask "Eku ithe wa Ciru? (where is baba ciru)

Theiri friend "Ithe wa ciru ndimuiriga. kai kui na thina? (I have not seen baba citu in long time. Is there problem?

"ndiroria eko ithe wa ciru. na i ndia muona haha. athie ku? niguo ndiroria" (I am asking for baba ciru. I see him here. thats what i am asking") she said in bad attitude and kinyururi.

She then turned to the counter lady called Jane and asked "hii pombe sio ya baba shiru" Jane turned to her and said she doent know who baba shiru is. But she say that drink belong to a lady that had gone to latrine. With alot of anger, she turned to Emirate and say "wewe, wira waku ni kuiya athuri ene. Urenda kuruaria athuri othe guku i? (you , your work is only to steal peoples husbands eh? you make to sicken all husbands eh?

Still acting cool and shaking, she say she has not seen her husband, she was there with her friend and only meet Theuris friend there.  That seemed to have agitated the PM because she hold that woman almost throwing her to ground. All this time, she try to call Theuri but he refuse to take phone. Theuri was at the back, shaking and praying that it all ends well.

As Theuri refuse to pick phone, she throws more tantrums. After calling and calling and no answer, she picks the Emirates handbag and take her phone. Looking at the calls history, she see the last called number and received no. was from Theuri.  She turned to the shaken Emirates and say "ngoma ino number ino iti ya ithe wa ciru? na ukanjira mutiirigaine" (You devil, this is baba cirus no. And you say you have not spoken in a long time eh?. She does not return and still plays cool. No one messes with Theuris wife. She has size like Yokozuna, i tell you.

More drama unfolds when the PM dials Theuri no. with Emirates phone. Immediately, Theuri picks and say

"Hello, niathie? reke njuke o riu" (has she gone? let me come now now)

Wife then say "Shaitani uyu mumaraya uyu ni matharau mariku woka kunyonia" (You satan, you prostitute, what shame do you come to show me". Theuri immediately cut phone, knowing very well he had been busted.

Theuri, now sensing things have eaten each other badly drew the next move He rushed to where he had packed and took off. Wife did not see him leaving because she was still throwing tantrums. Theuri geos to Hornbil and drink from there, not knowing what to do. Because of fear did not go home until 2AM.

When he reach home, he call wife and ask "niki kiu ndiraugua? ati uma bar kurua na maraya ma bar? nikii wendaga kunjonorithia uguo? (What is that i hear? i hear you go to fight with people of trap of bar? why do u shameful me?)

Ofcourse, it did not go as smooth as you think. I wount tell you how they settled that because of home is not como, but he tell me she lived for three weeks without talking to Theuri. She tell Theuris people about that. Even all neibor are telled that story until Emirates lefted that court. According to Theuri, even today, he still jump that story when wife want to revive. but Theuri tell wife it is wrong for women who are married to go to bar, especially in neiborhood.

Have a nice weekend and if your world is ending tomorrow (and its already tomorrow in Australia and China and Philipines), send me all the money you have through Mpesa. You wount need there.


Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Like it or Not..Fly Women Rule Our World.

I know you have once done something weird for a person of out and years later, you hit your head against the wall and ask yourself, what was that i did, did i have good head really? It is Theuri that reminds me this story yesterday.

Back in the days, i expanded my simu ya jamii biz to selling stolen phones. Then, opened a branch where i was selling anything sellable, from Cds (not makobosto), to video tapes and thongs, pampers of month,  all in one stop.  In the original shop, it used to have a big space and seats, so all idlers in town used to come and eat njaro there.  One of the njaro eaters was one young person of out called Shiro. Shiro at that time was one of the most beautiful girls with golden
voice. She looked like Cecelia Mwangi, although black. Cecilia is the lady that removes jiggers of people of Muranga. Sadly, nothing last forever. I saw Shiru the other day, she has beaten like Matatu of Lungalunga.   i couldnt agree more with Kamaru that sing this song, "tumaguru tuu tuaki uretiya natuo, muthenya umwe tugakorwo na miatuka.. tata  tatattaa ...(you see those legs you boast with, one day they will have cracks) when i see her. I first ask where i see her before. It is only after she talk that i place her voice.

At that time, this girl was above my class, just like the other one i told you that made me climb her by force. I did not find the guts to borrow but after we get used to each other and after buying her several lunches from women that hawks food in offices, i gained courage and borrowed.

This was the first hole that i eat not believing that i am actually the one eating. I must confess to you that for once in my life, since i was borned, i had never climbed sombody four shots within a very short time. That was the first and the last time. I was pouring and when i remember what i have in bed, the tree stand again without waiting. These days, once i pour, it take me another century before my tree stand again, unless you look like sun or you play with my riang'a until it stand.

If you have beaten like me, there is a trick you can do though, according to Akuku. If you pour, dont remove josto from inside. You will feel bad yes, and bored, but let josto stay inside. Tolerate and after 10 minutes or so, it will stand and you will eat somebody for many minutes non stop. But if you pour and remove, riang'a will take time before waking up and you will sleep only to hear yourself in the morning when women that ask for bedsheet knocking with madharau and force. But that only applies when you are eating somebody without makobosto.

Today and even then, i hear people say "ndirahaicire mundu ucio shoti mugwanja" (I climbed that person 7 shots) and see as if its miracle.  The reason they pack condoms in 3 packs is because they know the maximum you can climb somebody is three shots. I always tell my pals that say they climb somebody until condom finish or seven shots that,  either, they dont know how to count or they dont know what a shot is. A shot is not when you remove josto to change position or the number of thrusts. You know even when pouring, it does not come all at once, it come stop small come again then finish emptying. That is not three  shot because it beats break three times.  A shot is the number of times that you pour. I stand to be corrected though.

After climbing shiru, its like my business became her business too. She would come every morning, make as many calls as she want, and mostly to men. Then in evening, pass and ask for fare. One day,  Theuri pass at the shop and see the lady. He ask if its my woman and i say yes. I dont know how they got friendship but few days later, Shiru stop coming there everyday. She even stop asking for fare because Theuri was now giving.

Later, as i came to learn, Theuri take her to his house.  Those days because we were not married, we used to take people of out to our homes. Theuri  ramnyas things and even introduce her to a kiosk where she can pick keys when she want to come visit Theuri. Although Theuri had a fiancee, he stay with Shiro in his house for one week nonstop. But Theuri and Shiro were pretenders. When he come to the stall, they pretend like they were strangers. In his mind, i know what song was playing "eka uria wikaga, riria warakara, muhiki waku, uria wandigiire nindamuhaicire" (do what you do when you get angry, your woman that you leave for me i climbed)

Persons of out are sometimes clever or we are sometimes stupid. She drew something very tactical and we all enter her box, all within 3 or 4 days. One day, she tell both of us, although separately that she want to set up a biz. We ask which biz and she say to sell tapes (movies were sold in tapes those days. Dvds and Vcds was saying bad).

She telled me that Theuri has agreed to donate his home video deck to her for  starting the movie biz. She tell me i contribute so that she hire a table in one of exhibitions. A table was rented for 300bob per day. She also tell me Theuri give her 15k for stock.i Hesitated and she did her thing as usual, giving me her hole.
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In the shop, as i told you, i was doing the same business. The Satan works in mysterious way, i tell you. After giving me her nyaps in the evening, she tell me "riu wanjohi ri, ndukihe space iyo yaku ya movies tondu mbeca ici citingiigana gukombora metha na nie ngurihagithie nyumba" (Wanjohi, give me that space of movie because the money i have is not enough to hire a table and we pay shop together).

I did not return and to me, i see this is one of the wisest thing i have heard in long time. We agreed i give her the space i was selling the tapes and we share rent. I also told her i give her the vcd machine (for testing cds) and a 14" Akila tv and the stock that was there. She tell me she will pay for the stock later when she stabilizes.  I also give her 8k (and it was alot of money to me then) to add to stock.

Tomorrow, she go to Theuri and sleep there. In the morning of that other tomorrow, she some with video deck and small stock. I tell the person i had written that the space had been rented out to somebody. Everybody was shocked on what i was doing but i tell them to shut up.

That morning, Theuri was sended to Nakuru by the company that write him to do business. Shiru, since she had access to Theuri's house go and 'take' iron box, his 21 inch TV and Meko gas. She put them in taxi and come to that shop and take the the Akila TV and the deck and the Vcd machine and part of the stock she had boughted. When i go to that shop later, i find no my things. I ask the person i had written whats cutting and she say Shiro had taken all. 

I call Theuri and leave job and come. When he go to his house, he finds he had been washed all imprtant things. Even the cheque book. We did not know where to find that lady. It is that time that Theuri confess that he had eaten her many times and had shown her where to take keys  and milk in kiosk near his house.

Just as we hold our chin in anger and shame, a man come to that shop. He stay in Eastleigh and say he is looking for Shiru because shiru bring him there one day claiming it is her business. He tell us that Shiru was his person and he give her money to do business but came back to his house when he went to job and take his TV without his consent. When we tell him we have also been stolen, he get surprised because Shiru tell him that he is our sister. But God comes just in the right time. He tell us he know area where she stay but not house. We wented to that place and since she was very beautiful, it was not hard locating her house. We go to her house and find her and her sister. She cries and apologizes and takes us to where she sell things in Ngara.

We take police of Chief of ngara and claim our goods from the buyer of stolen goods. We get our goods and take them home. The buyer removed from backdoor because Shiru did not return money. When those police of chief tell us they want to lock her up, we all look at her beautiful face and big buttocks and forgive her. Shiru telled us she come from Muranga but later we come to know she is from Kabete. Its hard to find woman of Muranga doing kihibirania on you. Onyl Kabetites do that. Very clever people. That is just a tip of how extremely stupid men can go just for a pussy.i know yours is more stupider or maybe, you still dont know you are being climbed.

If you read my blog  and look like sun, i have valuable advise for you. If there is a man wanting you and is showing off his money, eat his money as much as you can. If a man can give you 10k, he can give you 20k,100k and even a milli. Pretend that you love him, give him a good climb, suck his riang'a and drink the yogurt. (I hear that if a woman loves you to death, they will drink yogurt like nothing). It will work miracles. You will look for me to thank if you follow my advise. If you ignore me, one day you will be weathered, people will just pass you like you are shadow and when you need to be climbed, you will have to pay small men or gigolos for those who know english to climb you. Its an advise anyway.

To my fellow men, if you have ear hear. If you see woman want your money, pretend you will give the whole world to her. When you climb, climb as many times as you can. But when it comes to time of delivering the world, look for the nearest exit and fly to the next available hole. But for Theuri, because he doesnt want to see me holding a woman, i wish he meet a cleverer woman that eats his money and when he go to room, the cow refuse and refuse and refuse.


I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine

Theuri Hits Back Big Time.

I once told you how i did Theuri 'kihibirania' and he vowed to hit back one time. For those who don't understand Greek, it is doing somebody what the Hebrews did to the son of man. He did hit back years later and in a mighty way.

One day, i was with drinking with Theuri in town. As we talked business and women,  we started to think who to climb that weekend. My usual person was seeing and she was getting in my nerves. She tell me that i have monday to sato to be with my wife and one day a week with her is not too much. When i look things at 18, i see she will destroy my home. Theuri tell me there is no need of calling people, we wait until 2am. We will get the cutest ladies who are already drunked men's beer and now looking for people to climb them. At 2AM, in clubs, you get ladies that have either been left alone after their pals were chipod or the men that were buying them beer finished money and left them in club or girls who had beaten themselves that they are too good and refuse a hand of climbing until all men go home. Just as we thing, my phone ring and i answer

"Haroooo,  mundu nu? ( who is this?) I hear sweet voice on the other end "Ni Omi, we met last week. uko?" I remembered i had met this chick from KSPS, although these days i hear it is called Inoorero university. I had telled her she will drink my beer that Friday. She happens to come from Othaya where my uncle  was born. That uncle is the guy that lives behind Nairobi university, on your way to Arboretum.

"Niko Jazz, kuja kwa balcony" i answered back"

Within a short time, she was there. We drink and drink beer and talk, although Theuri is the one that talk all time.  All along, my person call until i switch off my phone. Theuri throw compliments to this person until she start to like Theuri. Theuri tell her she can do modeling and he work for modeling agents. Women like to be told such thing but since i dont like lying i just smile. I dont know who can model and who cannot. Me, what i look for in this order is >>  Thutha>> Face>>boobs>> size>> Legs>> Dress >> Shave.  Any other is a vine to hang on.

I had refused to pick my persons number and when she keep on calling, i swich off my phne. She had Theuris number and she call Theuri. Theuri show me she is calling but i tell him not to pick. He say there is no need of showing her madharau but i tell him its my person and thats me. I dont know if he picked or what happened but near midnight, i see my person appear. I knew there there that mine had bitten each other. But later, i know it is Theuri that tell her where we were. Theuri tell her because he wanted to 'utahama lini' with my person of out.

After a few drinks, I beat my person kiswahili that i must go home. I wanted to drop her home so that i remain with the Inoorero person. All that time, i tell Theuri to pretend the girl was his. But Theuri forget or deliberatly, tell me "hi mundu uyu waku e kuo ta ndaka" (this your person is there like mud)

Smelling something, she telled me that she cant go home because their gate is closed and she cant wake her mum up. I had droped her before many times, even 3 oclock so i did not know how this time it was hard for her to go home. I scratched my testicles and knew that my chances of eating the other person was way below Zero.  I told my person that i will hire a room for her at Kings guesthouse along Muranga road, then i go home. She tell me i must sleep but i say i cant. Every time, she tell me that i have monday to sato with my wife, she only want one night with me. When i refuse, she cries and become hysterical. She was really getting into my nerves and i was looking for a way to dump her but it was becoming very hard because every time i remember the hole i am dumping, i run back to her quickly. This is the only woman that when she such your riang'a and play with your balls, you want to sign a check of 100k for her because of the utam that you feel.
 
I went and paid 1k for room for my girl. I told her to enter room i will join her in moment. I wanted to pay another room so that this inoorero can enter too and then i lie to my person that i have goned home and have a chance to climb the Inoorero.

The girl was still in the car and i was planning what to do.  As we talked with Theuri at the reception, the gateman come and tell me that i was obstructing other cars coming in and he tell me to park good. From the position i had put the car, i had to get out of the gate and enter with reverse. The devil in Theuri telled him that i had left him there and gone with the girl, maybe to climb her from elsewhere.

He went to reception and asked what room my girl go and they telled him. Theuri went and knocked and she opened. Whatever transpired i dont know but when i finish parking well, the caretaker, who knew us for being good customers came to me and telled me that Theuri had gone to my person's room. I rushed there in speed and when i knock, nobody open and lights are off. I knock with force almost to break door but nobody open. I dialed my girl's no. but she does not pick although i hear it crying. Theuris phone was off.

The caretaker come and take me to window. The window is that type that has many glasses lying on each other. I lifted one glass and all open then pushed the curtain and see them sleeping, all quet. They had not known i was there watching. I then dialed my persons number and when she look and see its me she refuse to pick. Although i see my person lie facing other side, i saw her pass phone  to Theuri to switch off. Since the phone has password and he could not put the password while the phone was ringing, Theuri remove batery and keeps phone on table.

Unable to take it anymore, i shout on top of my voice to Theuri and my person and when they hear me shouting at window that i had opened, Theuri jumps in speed. He was in boxer and vest, remaning he had undressed. My person had pantie and no bra, so Theuri must have been sucking those boobs. He put trouser very fast and before he finish,  i rushed to the door which my person had already opened.

Then what followed is drama and drama. My person pretended she did not know that she was sleeping with Theuri.  She try to cook story that she had not locked door and Theuri come and enter but i refuse to listen. She then change story that Theuri tell her i go with that girl and he had no means to go back or money to hire another room. Stories and stories. Theuri rushed out and the only thing he said when he was going was " Man, sorry , ningu explain. ngugaga niguthie wathie mani. I did not do anything, i respect you man. You are my brother!" (Sorry, i can explain. i thought you had lefted)

He finish putting shirt outside the room then picked the Inoorero from the car and booked a room. I did not care about that  Inoorero anymore but was shaking in anger thinking that Theuri could have eaten my person that i had been eating for many many months, my only trusted mama's reliever.

My person after seeing i am not listening, only making noice cried and pleaded inocent.

"Hakuna kitu theuri amefanya. kwanza nanyesha and you are my witness. Kwanza sweetie kweli mimi naweza tolea Theuri suruari na ni malaya ya mwanaume" (There is nothing he has done. I am even raining and you are my witness. And anyway, do u think i can remove pantie for theuri and he is prostitute of man.) I got happy because she know theuri is eater of all people so i consoled myself.

She say she know Theuri eats many people and even counts 14 of them that she know. She say to prove that she is seeing, I must do her. She removed pantie and remove pamper from pantie and fold it with tissue and throw on dustbin, then went and washed her body and made me do her by force.  Because my tree cannot stand because of anger, she suck the riang'a and make it stand by force. I did somebody although i was feeling nothing. First, too much wet because of month and two, the anger in me. I then take my mind to think that i am eating Inoorero. Just by puting Inoorero face on my person, the feeling change and my riang'a feel like it is in a totally different territory. I pour like i am eating a person for the first time. I then washed myself and left for home.

Tomorrow, we meet with Theuri and he apologize and say he did not even touch her. I tell him i will never forgive him unless he buys booze and throw one of his many women i eat. He said he can throw all of them if i want.  Now this was the juiciest part.

After he take Inoorero to a room, she first refuse refuse because she say she is mine and she cant betray. But who is Theuri. Theuri tells her that that was my person and i have so many persons that each weekend there must be a fight of my persons.  He then telled her that i have a problem called fast pouring and sometimes erectile dysfunctional.

The girl is not easily lied to but only agree to be climbed after Theuri suck her boobs and tiita to get her on heat. He eat person of others until 3 kakobostos finish. Theuri put the lights on and look at her eyes if it is white. When he see no white, he eat bila makobosto. If you have forgotten, that is how Theuri Vcts people of out. If he lifts eye and see white white, he know she has mneck. Also, if he see chicks that are bum bum  on cheeks  (mandazi  cheeks), he removes himself from that play.  He later eat the person many times until she get stomach. When she get stomach, Theuri run away and change phone. Two months later, we meet again with Inoorero and i give her Theuris number. That is how she got Theuri and he paid for removing of stomach.

Another day, i have a person and Theuri see she is good. He tell the person to call another person that looks like her  for him. When the called person come, Theuri say its not beautiful. He play hide and seek and does not buy beer because they sell cash there so its only me that buy them beer. There is one big mistake that i made, i let my person sit near Theuri. She is beaten kiswahili and only i see them laugh heartedly.

When i sense danger, I call my person out and lie to her  that i want to take her to Westlands. She telled me she cant leave her friend and if i want to take her, i must call the friend also. I had no intention of going there, i just wanted to climb somebody and remove her from danger. When she refused, in protest, i left them there. Later, i learnt that  Theuri tell her in ear that she refuse to go out of the club, he will show her where life is in Nairobi. That night, i hear Theuri eat those two people. He take two rooms and eat my person first and then lie to her he has gone home. He then go to the other room and eat the other person he was saying is not beautiful. He then go back to the other room where my person was and eat until morning.

But i know how i will hit back one day. I will go to Koinange and pick a lady of trap that looks like sun because of beauty. Because most of them smoke and Theuri cant stand smokers, i will tell her not to smoke and dress better and to speak queen english and say she work in big company. All on my bill, as long as its not more than 2k one night. After all, most of them take 2k until morning. I will then take her with me where Theuri is. Theuri, as usual will steal my woman. When he steal, i will let her go, but on instructions, to say mbu after the first joti. When they reach room, after the first joti, she must shout "uuuiii nilipe iyo shoti kwanza. nani alikwambia kuma ni ya bure. Ripa shoti moja ni elfu inne uuuii ripa sina time ya kuwaste!!! "

Whether he will pay or pretend to be police, i dont care, but i will be assured of one thing, he will keep away from  my women once and for all.

I Remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kiogogoine

Why Beer Drinkard Should Not Drive

If you think that drinken driving is funny, you might learn the hard way like me.  I have falled with cars so many times that if i narrate all of them, we will finish tomorow. However, i have never fallen with car when i have drunken milk. It is water.  Infact, as we are talking, there is an insurance firm that cannot insure any car under my name. They have even refused to pay a car that fallen one year and some months ago, although it was not me driving at the time. They have repaired and paid me so many times that they think i fall the cars deliberatly. There is one friend of mine that says that if you want to fall your car so that you are paid by insurance, you just lend me your car and buy me booze. I have since reformed though but through the hard way.

Sometimes ago, i had a girl i was climbing who was a pupil at Catholic university. She wasnt a girlfriend or anything, just somebody i climb anytime i want unless when she was seeing. I met this girl from mpangowakando.com.  She was the cheapest lay i ever had and had it not been this incident, i would still be climbing that mama.

She is one of the most disciplined girl you will ever meet in Nairobi. She never used to call me, even one day,except on daylight to say hi or when she want to be climbed or want me to send credit. She used to live in some hostel opposite the school. That tells you that i never used to pay room when climbing her.  Whenever my tree standed, i used to call her and tell her i am going to visit her. She would then tell me to go with Kuku and chips.  I had climbed her so many times until the watchman at gate know me because i always come after midnight and spend less than 1hr there. But she was very clever. She was reading psychology and non governmental studies. This is where you remove yourself to help people throughout your life or something, for those who have no idea what that is.

One day i tell her we climbana without makobosto but she refuse. Last time, she see me trying to burst makobosto deliberately because i was too drunk and stupid. She show me tablets and tell me they are ARVs she was taking. I got shocked many times until i was unable to do her. I tried to think if there was one day my josto enter all, even near testicles because there is no makobosto that covers all places until testicles and i see there i chance.

When she go out, i take one tablet and put in coat. Tomorrow, very early in morning, i take it to a friend that read medicine in pharmacy and operates many pharmacies in Nairobi and ask what tablet is that. I got relieve because he tell me it is medicine of Minyoo (the snakes that live in stomach) but is given free by NGO.

One day, i was drinking Viceroy in Ngara area with Akuku. One girl come to us with small skirt and another with tight trouser. They drink our beer and even touch our jostos but run away because we tell them we must climb them. Because they leave our jostos very hard, I thoughted of going to Stima plaza and pick one person of trap but remembered the promise i made to myself, no more people of trap. I then remembered Sheila, the Catho pupil and with speed of light, i dialed her phone:

"Hello swiri. mambo lakini" She say fine. Then i told her i want to visit her. I will never forget, it was on a monday and past midnight.  She telled me to go with Kuku because she even miss me. But she tell me i am lier because i say i will go there everytime but dont go. You know Catho is far, you need Obama to convince you to drive all the way or a very hard thirsty josto.

I went to Citrus and bought one full chicken of burned. I then telled Akuku to take me to Rongai but he refuse because its late and say he want to get his wife while still his josto is still hard. I begged him and he agreed. When we enter car, he see am too drunk to drive and insist he drive but i refuse. Just past Lang'ata  cemetery, there is a steep hill before you take junction to Karen and Rongai.  I was not driving fast, maybe 80. Just after the hill, the police put road block with nyambo but they do not put sign that there is roadblock.

I did not see any nyambo, only when it was 10 meters when it is too late. I beat nyambo and car sways, almost hiting the police who were manning it. They run away shouting for help. The car then returned itself on road because it was still on speed and looked at the direction we were coming from. Due to panic, i speeded back and already two legs of left side had been bursted.

I entered Langata, still car limping because two legs are bursted and went to Oil libya. We change one leg but we did not have two spares and two legs had bursted.  We tell the man that repairs to repair one leg and asked another watchman to change the other leg. Just before he finish, we see car of flying squad pull and they cock their guns.  They ask who owns that car and the watchie say it is us. They point the gun to us and tell us to lie down on stomach. They searched us for guns and  searched the car too but they see nothing. They then put us on chains and ask why we lost after hitting the nyambo.  When they see we are too drunk, they call the breakdown to pull our car to Hardy police.  When they put us on their car, they tell us they are taking us to Ngong forest to kill us from there because we must be gangsters.

We just laugh, instead of begging them not to kill us. We show them our business card and they tell us we are stupid because, a car almost similar in registration and color had been reported stolen in Kiambu. They tell us they followed us but did not enter Langata, they go until Nyayo rounderbout and see no clue of us. They gave up chasing but on their way, they think of checking Langata. We were later taken to Hardy police. I think it is the best police station in this country. Only me and Akuku and another guy were prisoners there. I protest why they lock Akuku, yet i was the one driving but they tell us we sober up first.

Tomorrow morning, OCS call us and call the police that arrested us. He laughs and tell us that we are very unique because we hit roadblock on Monday. He say they are used to having the roadblock hit on Friday and Saturday. From what we see, they dont put the sign deliberately because that is the only way they can make money there. But he say our only sin was to lost away after hitting nyambo. He say  another sin, we were the first to hit that nyambo because it was new, just boughted there by OCPD on sunday.

We were left to go after we paid for repair of nyambo, a fee of 3k and breakdown 3500. They say if we did not lost away, they would not have charged us a cent and would have helped us even get spare. Hehehehe.. Kenya police now? Jinga kabisa. From that day, i refused to go to climb that lady because how can a mere hole make me sleep in police? I am not related to Dominique Strauss-Kahn. If you have no idea who this is, you are so back like buses of Riakanau.

A few months later, i was with my girl that i was keeping and my bro who we call The Mafiosa had a girl too.  There was an event at Carnivor Splash. We drink free beer as if it is getting finished. But in that event, they dont give food. Only beer.

When  it was time to go, our peoples say they are hungry. I told The Mafiosa we go to Reminisce and have nyama before going home. I cant remember how we climbed the car or how we take Langata road. I was black out because i take one 750 ML of Vodka and another Half alone.  When we take Langata road towards Mbagathi rounderbout, there is a small downhill then rounder bout. I did not see rounderbout, even one centremetre. I just hear, pwafff..  i am being buried by Airbag and we are on top of rounderbout. The car legs were facing up after rolling two times. We hit one big stone and throw it on centre of rounder-bout.

We sobered up and quickly removed ourselves from the car because the dust that enter make us think it is burning. The Mafiosa seatbelt refused to open and he start shouting "uuuuoooo nitwathira. ita wathima motooooo (ooouuu we are finished. Call the fire fighter).  People that stay near that rounderbout waiting for a car to fall came and opened his belt. When my girl was removed and see the legs of cry facing up, she fainted. The other girl was hurling insults on me, ati i want to kill them, i had been sent to kill them.

Despite having no physical injuries, rescuers  rushed to the nearby hospital at Nairobi west. When they try to put me in car by force, i tell them i was not there, i was rescuing them too. I did not want people to steal my music system. When  they are looked by doctors, the doctor say they have no problem but they have one problem of food. I dont know if they saw doctors white coat and think he is chef or what. It is still mystery how that doctor know that the ladies were hungry.  The nurse gave them food of sick there and tolded them to go.

When police came, they ask if i was the one driving and say no, but i own the car. I knew if i said yes, they will lock me up for driving while drinkad. They call breakdown that also trap near that rounderbout because they know a car must fall there but i tell them i will call AA breakdown to pull the car because my insurance include rescue by AA.  If you allow them to pull your car, they will charge you many money until you fail to know. They tell me i am stupid because there is another car still hitting that rounderbout and if i dont allow them to pull mine, it will be hit by another one and have more damage. I get scared and allow them to take the car.

Tomorrow when i go to take abstract, the police tell me every weekend,  people hit that Mbagathi rounder bout, like two cars per day.  He tell they have tried putting even sign or white things, legs of car and big stones but it does not deter people driving into the rounder bout. I tell them to put bumps but he say it is highway. But the sad thing is that he tell us that it has also killed my people. He telled me if i have to drink many beer, i take a cab home.


I remain,

Wanjohi Wa Kigogoine