How my Effort to Seduce girls backfired

Long time when i was reading primary school, we used to read lesson called Mother tongue. Infact all primary, we read everything in Kikuyu and kiswahili,. Teacher would read book in english and interpret. to us. That is why our English is not prefect and in any way, english came by sea.

When we finish std. 8, i go to Kagumo secondary and other pupils who are girls go to girls school like Kangubiri, nginda girls and Naromoro girls. I had not passed very well but since my father was written by government, he call headmaster and tell him to admit me. So when we close school, the girls who go those good school come and talk English in village. In our school, like what it was happening in primary, we only talk English during English lesson. In fact one day pupils laugh at me in school when in form one coz they think i talk to english teacher in Kikuyu. But i swear it was not kikuyu, it was kiswahili. When i came late in class, teacher ask me' wanjohi, why are you coming from?' I dont know how to say in english so i tell her in Kiswahili 'nilikuwa nimesahau kufunga locker yangu kwa dormitory...' before i finish, she say in big voice, 'Wanjohi, cant you talk in english?' All the pupils laugh because they think i talk to her in Kikuyu.

One day, after i circumcise, i was told i must wipe rust (kuhura mbiro) and when you wipe rust with a girl, you dont do her again. So i target one girl who was school at Kangubiri girls. I timed her when she was coming from Maize mealer. I was a reader of novels by James Hardly Chase and so borrowing in English was not supposed to be problem. I took her to Hotel of Mama Waigwa and drink tea and madazi. We talk many things about school and how far we have gone with sylabus and what activity we do in school. She talk to me in english but i dont know good English but i trie. Then i deviated and wanted to borrow things. The way i borrowed things was a killer and i will never forget. Just like i read in James hardly chase novel, i tell the girl in english 'How about a fuck?)

She look me in eye and ask, what did you just say? i repeat. I thought that was a strong statement that would guarantee me things. She leave tea and half mandazi and took her kiondo of maize meal and left. From that day, she see me and throw saliva out. From that day, i change trick on how to borrow but they all backfire.

One day, we go for playing in school called Othaya girls. I take one girl who was from Naromoru girls and i tell her i take her for lunch. I had 100 shillings. I wanted to borrow when we are eating. I had carried photos of me to exchange with girls. I gave her my photo and tell her to go with me for lunch. Instead of coming alone, she call three more girls and we go to people that hawk food in field. They all ask for big soda and half bread. When i do mathematics, i see all the 100 shilling is finished, so i did not take anything, i tell the girl that i had eaten before. I salivate when i see them eat soda and bread yet i am the one that buy but wunt eat even one slice.

Another day, i hear our christian union were going to Naromoru girls for reunion. I decide to get saved so that i go meet the ladies who eat all my 100 bob. Everybody is happy and say, another person has been written in the book of life. Tomorrow, we go to Naromoru girls. I meet the girls and we chat happily. When service start, the CU chairman say one man called Wanjohi gave his life to Christ the day before and he will give testimony.

I had never talked to so many people beforeand did not know good english at all. I stood infront of them trembling. I froze and forgot what to say, so i just stood there and waited for God to give me words to remove testimony but where?. Seeing no words coming, i decided to say what i know:

'plaaaise the God! Pllllaaaaise the God again . Haaareruyaaa!!! My name is Wanjohi of Kigogoine and was saved tomorrow'

I heard the pupils break in laughter. I did not know why, then i remember i said i was saved tomorrow instead of i was saved yesterday. I felt my testicles go to stomach. I went and sat back near the girl but she does not want to see me again. From that day, i say if God cannot give me words to say, then i better go back.

Later, i decide to choose girls that go to school of lower quality that don't speak English and i find one girl called Njoki. I had borrowed ideas from other boys in school that the best way to borrow a girl is to invite her to your cube and when she come, you touch the breasts. She will instantly get on heat and give you there there. Other good ideas i was told was to lick your lips when you seer good woman and make eye contacts.

I lied to Njoki and she came to my cube. Immediately i made my intention know to her by touch touching her until she got smell (muruki). When she started to mourn, I told her to jump on bed and remove all cloths. It is then that she say to me: 'Wanjohi, it is not today. I am seeing!' It took me another three terms before i wiped rusts!!

I remain,

Wanjohi wa kigogoine.
(connect on facebook @ wanjohikigogoine@yahoo.com)