Between Hard place and Hard Rock... But i overcame

One day we were drinking beer at Magomano with a friend on Saturday and when had only 1k and maupusi remaining, a girl i had been borrowing for sometime called me. Her name is Salome and she was written in exhibition to sell mobile phones.

'Wanjohi, uko wapi?' I told her i was at Magomano and she said she will be there in small minutes.

When she reached, she asked for black ice which come two two. We drank until i remain with Kshs. 250 in my pocket. The girl then tol me she is hungry. my heart started beating loud. If i remove once cent from 250, it meant more trouble for me. Matatu charge 50 to my estate and i must take taxi at Kshs. 200 to my house. She then told me she wanted to sleep.

Getting more confused, I told her to go home but she told me if she had to go, i escort her upto her house. When i asked her where she stay, she told me Dadora. That made my heart beat louder than African Israel drums because of Mungiki of Dandora. I tried to do mathematics and they refuse to enter each other. I dont know what to do and all friends i call were all at home. Mind you, there was no Mpesa those days.

So we walk on street, i dont know what to tell the little woman. We just walk aimlessly towards Ambassador along Tom mboya street. I honestly didnt know what to do. I was drawing how to disappear and leave her when i heard a Subaru car behind me play loud music and loud exhaust sound. When it pass, i recognize its for my friend, Wambua. Waaaa... Miracles do happen.

I gave the lady two hundred and told her to enter Red Robbins and buy chips and chicken, I will be back in a shortwhile. Immediately, i run after the car, raising hands and shouting 'wambua weeeeeee sssss wambua!!!' on street. Due to loud music, he couldnt hear but by Gods grace, wambua saw somebody running after his car and he stopped. I went panting and told him:

'I spread my problems to Wambua and asked for a soft loan of 2K. He first laughed and laughed, then said he will even buy us one drink for console me. But i fear if Salome see the souped up Subaru car and the music system (has even small tv), he will be stolen by wambua there there. So i refused the offer.


Wambua removed his wallet and give me 3k instead of 2k and sped off. I went to Red robbin and see the lady already eating the chicken and chips.

From there, we went to room and beat her trees proper. She liked my stylo of beating things and from that day i did her until she got married last year.

Problem is, two months after marriage, the man who married her threw her. The reason he threw her was because one day the man was drinking beer with Karis wa NZE. When they got drunk, the guy started singing about his wife Salome after Mugithi started singing this song.. ...(SALOME SALOME SALOME SALOME teteeeee tetetee tetee mmmmm mm salome salome... you know that song? ). He got so happy and sang along. After the song, he started to sing good things about his wife, Salome. Karis, out of drunked, told him

"now what you say. That salome has been beaten trees by Wanjohi until no thread is remaining. Bure kabisa" That very night, he went home and throw her.

(Advise.. it is not good to know people that used to do your wife/girlfriend. And
never want to imagine your wife used to get banged. Let the lies they tell you, like, you are the 2nd man in her life or the man that split her went to USA or worse still, that you are the one that split her, yet you know it was downhill (Mteremko) when you entered first time remain like. And never drink with people that you suspect used to bang your wife before you married her. No good oh )

Anyway, whether i still bang that person or not is not relevant. That reminds me one day in class 6, english teacher tell us to write composition about HEADMASTER. He give each pupil 1 fulls-cap. I knew so much about headmaster. I wrote and turn the other side, asked for another and it finished 2 sides too. I wrote alot of things about headmaster, including some nasty things about him. All other pupil write on one page and some don't even finish one page. When teacher returned the compositions, mine was crossed in the middle with red pen and written 'irrelevant'.

Todate, i dont know what was irrelevant in my composition. But i know the teacher did not like me because i talked too much. Every time he come and ask for noisemakers, he said my name first even without checking if it was written or not. I was told even when I was absent, our names used to be read out. 'Today's noisemakers come infront:

'Wanjohi , Maina, Njambi" (my school time girlfriend from class two until 8, although she did not give me even one time) Then reads the list from the class prefect. Same thing happened to pupils who were given monto, (the hard thing given to people who talk mother tongue in school) he always used to read 'Wanjohi, Maina, Njambi, ...' then reads prefect's list. Because of that tread, I used to take monto in the morning, and not pass to anyone, therefore, giving everyone else opportunity to speak english in class. But used to be rewarded by being given to Milks of Nyayo during milk days when others were taking one. Again, everyone used to make sure i was not given milk packet drawn girls.

From that day, i said one thing, if other time i dont have money and a woman come to me, maybe she want to be beaten tree or something, i will better run full speed than subject myself to such pressure! Its not worth it.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine