My Experience With a Forty Fae Year Old

I dont want to overfeed you with the stories of old car and Taxi but i feel i should tell you small about a story of a forty fae person of out. Even today, i feel like it can only happen in a movie. Although i removed there like a muthika ucuwe (burier of his grandmother), i think it is worth telling, although i will not tell full length. If i tell you full length, it will take until tomorrow to finish.

I know you have no idea who eats those fine 'single' women you see around. When i say women, i dont mean twendi something year olds. I mean women that have arrived and are so loaded that you cannot imagine them getting climbed by ordinary people. The people that climb them are not akina Maina Kageni and other fly dudes with fame and money, it is ordinary people like Wanjohi wa Kigogoine and the guys that do them pedicure and manicure in salons. When i have excess money, sometimes i visit salons, although in rifa rodi and get my nails done. When i see those young men doing them nails, especially nails of legs and those women are wearing miniskirt, i envy them alot, especially the way they do it so close to them. I envy them because i know that there is a 90% chance of them climbing that somebody, no matter the status of the person of out. My grandpa once told me that all women are same and that women have no riika (agemates). If you have a boss that is person of out and you have, in your wildest imagination, thoughted of one day climbing her, do not wait until you get that promotion or get another job. The day is today. Approach her with confidence, there is 90% chance that you will eat her happily. But if you are rubbed work, do not say i told you.

One day,  i was driving along Murang'a road and there was a small  jam. That was a few months after i falled a deal and i had stopped doing taxi business, i was playing big league, although small small. But once a taxi driver  or Matatu driver, you remain one forever. As i drove, as i was used to, I overlapped dangerously and when i see space to enter, i forced the car to enter by force. One motorist did not give me way, she only show me middle finger salute when i force my car to enter. Having been used to that, i squeezed by force and the motorist that show me middle finger salute hit my car on back with its Toyota Prado's bullbar. It was hit so bad until the bumper removed and falled down and one corner light died. I removed from car to inspect the damage. When i see which car hit mine, i telled myself that  i was in for big cash. The car had two people of out. The one that was carried removed from car and came shouting" Unaendesha gari aje wewe ni kama barabara ni yako. Uko na haraka ya kwenda wapi?"

I did not answer but continued to inspect for more damages. If you argue with these kind of people, you loose.  I looked at them and telled them they are the one that hit me from behind. We cased and cased until she admitted that the sin was hers. She asked me how much is damage worth and i quoted 10k. She went back to the car and came back with 10k, all new notes. She then gave me her business card and telled me incase it goes excess, i call her for more cash.

I went to Grogon area immediately and got my car repaired all damages. For light, instead of buying new one, my mechanic sealed the cracked spaces with glue until it looked like it was new. All works  costed me 4 thousand. But since i was a former muhari wa rua (scratcher of hide-skin), i thought i still could milk more from the person of prado. That is how i had learned in taxi business. I called her and telled her that the bill exceeded  by 5k. She first said "hee mundu uyu nawe. Kai yahurwo rangi body yothe?" (Has it been painted all body?).  I convinced her that the corner light that was too expensive and many stories until she telled me to meet her in the evening at Parklands sports club to pick the 5k. Those days, Mpesa was a foreign term.

When evening arrived, i called her and telled her i am on my way to Parklands.  She telled me she did not go there but was at City Cabanas instead.   I drove all the way to Cabanas and i meet her with three more women and one young man.  She asked  me to sit and have one drink. I have never been known to refuse beer even if it is from women, as long as i dont return hand if it is in expensive place. I beat water slowly because i was not used to beat expensive water. At first, i did not listen to their stories because i was trying to budget the free cash i had made that day  just from nothing but after i see water is not drying, i joined them in beating stories.

They were speaking English all through and i dont like entering conversation that i have to speak English or sheng. I have alot of respect for my mother tongue but my English also improves when i take frothy water, so i had no many problems interjecting.  The more i dranked, the more i entered in their conversation in better English.

I had gone to Shaina for the first time some few months before, so i tell them many of stories about Hongkong and Guanzou so that they see i am not also cockroach like the young man they were with there. Although they dont listen to all of them, they continue to buy water and buy water. I feel like throwing a round back but when i see the price of beer there, my testicles freeze and stop.

As we beat stories, i see the person lift her skirt up small and scratch her shinny thighs and after finishing, she did not return skirt down down. I tried to look on other side so that i stop seeing the thighs of elephant but the more i look other side, the more i look back until my tree start to stand. Although i know there was a 0% chance of eating,  i knew they were important to look so that when I'm climbing somebody else and it refuse to stand well, i will think of those thighs and tree will be pap.

When she look at me with vagina of her eye, she see i am looking at her thighs. She turned to me and say to me in greek "warora muno no maitho ukura" (If you look too much, you will lost your eyes).  I laugh and say "ngai ma kafa more biu" In my mind, i tell myself that there is a man that eats those things and maybe does not appreciate.  I then jokingly telled her "muthee waku niaugaga nithengio arikia kana ashukaga ta maithikiri?" (Does your man say thank you after climbing or just alight like bicycle?). She just laugh and say "Muthee nikuga uru" (Muthee is to say bad)

From there, i see they like muclimbano stories and in greed now. They also talk explicitly and that made me feel  at home.  I start praising myself how i am a pro in climbing and how i close all holes.

"Uthie wire muthee uu. Aingerie rurimi gutu ini kumwe, kara kawe kahinge irima ria itish, muti ndukiri thiini thaa icio. Kara kau kangi aikie gutu guku kungi. Irima riria ritakuhingwo no kanua niundu kau niga kuga mbu. Ambia guikia small small kara kau ke itish akaingiria small small, na rurimi no ruraingia karimaini ka gutu. Waga kuga mbu ujite Ng'ang'a" (Go tell your hubby like this. He put his tongue in one of your ears, then one finger close the anal hole, that time, the tree is inside your hole.  Let him use the other finger to close the other ear, the only hole not to be closed is mouth to sa mbu because it is must. As he start to pump, let him insert finger small small in the anal hole and also, the tongue to enter enter the hole of ear. If you do not say mbu, come and call me Ng'ang'a.)

One of them looked at me and said "mmh. Arume aya aitu. Makuona thaa cia gutuhinga marima ri na thaa cia njohi na tuiretu tua cukuru. Arume othe matire hakiri" (mmm. This our men? When will they ever find time to close all holes and time for beer and small girls. All ladies have no brains)

It is then that i telled them why men cheat on them "angikorwo wathie toro wikiraga gi tishati kia omo ri, na mugutho ugikoma. Arafu ringi huyo cihumbirite tiita, akwaga guetha ka yello yello nikii? (If when you go to sleep you put on t-shirt written Omo, then u put trouser when sleeping, and you dont shave until it hides all hole, why wunt he look for yellow yellow. They laughed and laughed until she telled me she want me to climb her one day.

Tomorrow of that day, we do to drink at Maxland, all same group. After we beat water, she telled me to follow her until Ngong hill hotel. All along, i was thinking it was a joke. I just thought they were being friendly, because i was used to that.  She reached there before me because her car could run faster than mine. She went and booked a room there. When i reached there, she telled me to come to room no. (deleted).

When i reached entered the room, i found her already with towel tied on her waist. We entered bathroom and as we washed ourselves, she reminded me that i  must close all her holes. Although she was forty fae, she did not have the weight and figure of a 45. Money is good, let me tell you. She had taken good care of herself quite well.  I wiped her well and told her it is good if she clean shaved. She telled me tomorrow, she will buy cream and i am the one to shave her. I lifted her up until bed. I then made her lie facing up. I sucked all her major brookside small small so that if they have milk, i stop sucking. When i felt they had no milk, i sucked and sucked then slowly, moved down until tiita. Although she was forte fae, her hole looked 22, like it had not been climbed many times. The only bad thing was that she had not shaved well. I sucked all places, tiita i pull with my tongue. All this long, she just sighs and sighs. To shorten the long story, i ramnyad somebody two jotis. This time, because i was drunked, i did not struggle to get two jotis for her.

Because i feel very good and i did not incur any expenses when climbing somebody, tomorrow of that day, i called her and reminded her that i was to shave her. She came and we went to the same place.  I removed all her clothes because she say she enjoy when a man  removes her clothes, then embarked on the sweet journey of shaving her. As i shave, i occasionally bite tiita, making her say small mbus. I ramnyad again and we parted. What i was not aware was that i was getting into kind of prison. Everyday, she call me and want josto. Then, everytime, she want to know where i am. Sometimes, just to confirm, she would come, even if its where or what time to make sure that i am not with another person of out.  I was getting very tired of this but i had to stay because she telled me she wanted us to import stuff together because telled her i know shaina like i know Rifa rodi. For two months or so, she kept postponing the deal because she say she want us to bring containers of 20 million but she had 10 million in cash that time. But her idea was not business, she was already in good business but could not resist this rugged tree with contours and stand zig zag and i beat her proper because i want to benefit from her wealth too.

All that happened in a spat of 2 or three months but to me, it looked like twendy years. One day, she call me to her house because she tell me her hairs have grown again and she want me to shave her. I wunt tell you where she lived, but it was not in Dadora. When i entered her house, although she opens when she was naked, the first thing that i noticed was a big picture hanged on the wall. The picture was  of a huge man in Army uniform. There there, my testicles froze. I did not know that i had been climbing a person of army. And not just army, a senior and big army man. I almost froze until she telled me the husband is in long distance and only come on weekends.  Her kids were also on boarding and the housegirl had been sent away that day.

As usual, i closed all holes and sucked tiita. But inside me, i knew that that was like doing a funny stunt and it was time to stop. That night, i get nightmares of me being shased by the huge army man with a M16. Tomorrow of that day, i beat the story to Theuri and he telled me to stop other peoples wifes. That evening as we beat water with Theuri at Njugunas, I see her enter with a huge man. From the face, i could recognize it is the man that i saw hanged on the wall. I remembered the nightmare i had the night before. I wanted to run away until i asked myself why i run, I should die like a man. They go and seat three or four tables away. She did not see me at first but when  she see me, she pretend like she has never seen me. Women can act. From that day, i only beat her tree three times and stopped completely because i did not want to become a gigolo. But if you want to be one, they are plenty in town. Never fear any person of out, no matter their influence or the amount of money they have. My granpa told me so.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.