Any man that has never eaten people of trap (imundu cia gutega) is missing something. If you have never, hands up! or better still, do we have men who have never eaten out? or do we have women who know only one tree in their life? I know we have women of substance, but they is rare. My encounter with the people of trap have never been pleasant and i vowed never to do them again. My first experience was a nightmare. You can imagine, you bargain then you go to room and the lady say she cannot remove all clothes? If wearing skirt, she lift the skirt upto midriff?? worse still others that put G-string push the string aside and tell you to enter. WTF? What satisfaction do I get in that? To pour? no. I never do women just to pour. If i want to pour, i have hands that can comfortably do that for me. If you cant show me your naked body, then you miss my business.
The other experience, one day, i open internet and see naked girls. There there, my tree stand and feel i cannot tolerate again or it burst. I beat my car fire and go to Koinange. I take one lady of trap that look like what i saw on internet and i tell her i want to do her in car, no need of wasting money on room. She show me a spot where to park and we pay watchman 100bob to keep eye. Before we finish the business, i hear police beating beating the window and ask us to open. Then they enter car and tell us it is criminal to climb each other in car, and if taken to court, it is 2yrs without fine. The way they put it, its like we have murdered somebody. I ended up parting with 10k!
That ki person of trap tell me it is watchmen that call police. The deal is, if watchmen see people doing bad habit in car, they call police and whatever amount of bribe will be paid, they will split on equal basis. I say next time, no doing of ipeople of Koinange. Next time i feel like doing those i people of trap, I will go to Stima plaza area and take one. My friend Joshua told me there are quality ones there. I went and identified one and she enter car. I tell her i want in car. She show me where to park. Before long, we see police beaming lights on car. Same story again. We are treated like robbery with violence and part with 2k. But around here, it is fellow ipeople of trap that call police. The ladies split money with police.
From that day, i close eating those kind of people. One day, we are drinking at Grace Villa and my friend call one of his workmate who is reception and secretary. She drink our beer and does not buy even one drink for herself, its as if she work for charity. As we continue to drink, i start throwing arrows and i can see she is entering box. But she belong to my friend. I ask my friend if i can dance his girl and he say no problem.
It is this song playing "koruo nindakui tene lucyeeeee, mburi na ngombe tententen telellele kwanyu mucii" (If i know you long time lucyyyyeee goats and cows tententnent telelelel ....your home) We dance small as i sing my heart with this song to the lady. She gets moved and I tell her we rest in car small time. When in car, i start to borrow and she entered the box. We start to remove clothes and just when i bend the passenger seat and jump on her, i see police pointing touch on car. They say to me to come out but I refuse to open until i finish. After all kama mbaya mbaya , (if bad, its bad). Whether we had done or not, they will still say we were doing. Again, i am not robber and i know they cannot shoot. After i pour, we dress up and open car.
Police are very now angry they say i have matharau. I look at all of them and i see their trees are pushing trouser forward. They imagine what i had been eating and salivate. They tell me to beat the car fire to Parklands police. I tell them there is no need. I know the needful. I give them 1,000 bob, they say they cannot take less than 10k.
'Kama hauna elfu kumi, hiyo rudisha. sisi tunakaa malaya utupatie elfu?' I tell them i know the OCPD and i will call for help if they will not get the 1000.
'Na huyu jamaa ananyeta. ita breakdown tuvute hata gari'
I act cool. Drunkards are of God. I look at them and smile and then i pick phone and call my friend, Muriuki. I device a way that immediately without telling him to pretend, he will play a senior police.
'Hello bwana SSP' (when i say SSP he plays along. He knows something small is up. SSP for those who dont know is Senior superintendent of Police. Its a big man o.
'Mzuri Wanjohi. Iko shida?'
'niko na maafisa wako hapa. wamenipata na kashida kadogo, lakini hawataki kuniskia. Si ngetaka kukusumbua hii usiku yote lakini imebidi Si uongee nao' (I have your police. they catch me with small problem but they dont want to hear me. I dont want to disturb you so late but it bids. Talk to them)
I pass the phone to one officer. He first refuse to take phone and i tell him he talk no problem, just their colleague. I hear him say 'Yes sir! yes Afande' until i want to burst in laughter because that man they are talking to, is so short that no police can be so short. But he is Meru and talks in commanding voice and heavy Meru accent.
He then tell police to pass phone and i put speaker phone one. Then, on speakerphone, he say, 'wanjohi, patia hao my mboys mia mbili ya chai. si unajua kuna baridi. na ukuje hapa upperhill saa hii ununue pombe.' He then cut phone.
I tell the police i have no change and they beg me to give the 1k i was giving before but i refuse. I go to club and get change and give them Ksh. 200. Later, the police tell me 'ungetwambie wewe ni mtu wa mkubwa ' (you should have told us you are a person of boss). Later, that friend call me and we laugh and laugh. When he has problem with traffic police, he call me and i pretend i am a big police and they let him go. He save me in his phone as ACP Wanjohi.
Later when we go back to club, the lady love me so much. My friend only eat the girl that day only (although she told me she refused with things, but i cannot believe. I know she was hit). We later become big friend. She had a 2yr old baby boy. When i go to her house, she tell the baby to call me daddy. For many times when i go to her house, the baby call me daddy. Even when the baby is 3 yrs and go to school. Sometimes, I felt bad, i want to kick the baby for calling me dad. I dont like people carrying me fool. I had to run away when one day, she tell me ' This boy has your habits, including facial features. Ebu imagine people can say the baby is yours". AAARRRGGG, hata the law of osmosis cannot work here. I hear she is now has another stomach. I hope she will not say i have shares there. God forbid.
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I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Even House Girls Have Holes........
One day i had no job or business so i was always in the house many times. I spend all big time in house with lady of house, populary known as unties. Most time, i kept on looking at her buttocks and bad thought started to enter me. I remembered on saying in our language, that says, irima riuru no ria nyoka (the only bad hole is of snake )I told myself, even of house girl is still a good hole. I know what comes to your mind... bad looking shaggy girl. Nope. By all standard, very good, buttocks big, tits firm, legs straight and all that. And to make the matters worse.. she was a kao.
The only problem, is, borrowing an 'unitie' is the most heavy work in this world. One, you dont know if you borrow her, she will tell the prime minister. Two, if she refuse to give you, can you live with the shame? three, the untie being of lower standard you cannot just go and cheat her like the way you can cheat other girls of college or working in offices. The standard borrowing style is, first take the lady for a treat, buy them beer and nyama then eat them later when she is happy. What i mean, you make girl like you first or you get her confused by beer. For 'unties', that cannot work. Its a different game.
I tried to think of way of climbing that 'untie' because i was feeling just to climb from outside, yet i did not have money to borrow girls of town or college. It is not easy.
I went to her bedroom and look where she hang her pantie so that i smell it. I dont know why men do that, or what satisfaction is there? (many men love seeing hanged panties). l saw blue pantie sewed at centre with red thick uzi that sews sweaters. I think and think and say, i will go to Accra where they sell panties at wholesale, buy 3 or 4 sexy ones and sindirias and bring her. That will make her happy and make her give me. But the way they talk with the PM confuse me. I refuse to know if she will tell the PM if i do that.
Tomorrow, i go to town and buy Pantie and take to her. I also pass through a shop far away from my house and buy makobosto. No taking chances. I dont know where to start. I pass the pantie and tell her to try them and if they fit, she take it is hers. She get happy and smile. I tell her to go and try and she go. She tell me they fit and i ask her if its ok if i see for myself. She tell me yes. When i go the baby start crying and she take the baby. I tell the baby 'Tell Untie to give you nyonyos you suck.. '
The Untie tell my 'aaii mine has no milk. '
hahah thiga has circumcised, so i tell my self. I tell myself if she allows me to such her nyonyos, she will definitely remove pantie for me. I tell her to let me try myself if milk will come out. I remove the ru tit (runyondo) and start sucking. I suck until she get on heat. I ramnyas things. I think because of the way they are always in kitchen or the way they eat food of babies, the heat she had was too much. Good heat and the way she inarias.. wa wa wa.. then because of where she come from, kaos i hear they teach their girls how to inaria and cry when you are doing her. ooohh aaaahh uuuuu... until i fear neibor will come and find if i am beating her.
Later, she told me she has wanted me to talk to her for many days but i dont talk. From that day, i ramnyad things many times until she was rubbed work my the Prime minister. Apparently, only the first session was hot. It is then i remembered what grandpa once told me...
"Wanjohi, all women are same. And there is no vagina that has stairs (gutiri kiino kia ngoroba).All same same. Stick to your woman and never throw your woman. Because all women are same. What you see today gold, tomorow it will be mud. Sex is just game of mind. I always take his advise dearly but he has never explained to me why he has 3 wives.
Anyway, from that day, i have never even looked at 'unties'. We have one that has been written in my house for over 8 months and i dont know her name. I dont know if it is instructions from the prime minister or what but when i get to the house, she leaves table room and go to her bedroom or kitchen.
The moral of this story, to all men is that, the 'untie' in your house wants you like nothing. Ongea roho yako. And to the PMs here, if your house girl is hot, you are in.........
Has any of you ever eaten a lady of house or has any woman here caught her husband ramnyaring the untie? It happens and ........thats life!
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Matatu Business: The Worst Business Ever.
One day i do Matatu business. When Michuki came, my friend tell me that Matatu is keeping 12,000 per day. I did mathematics and saw myself rich. I went to NIC and they give me loan and bought Matatu. I bough T.27 from Japan.
I put good seat and good music and put it on road. To be accepted in route, i paid 30,000 to Mungiki. I tell a guy from KIgogoine in my village to come and be driver, and another one who is my cousin to come be makanga. When i take them, mungiki tell me either driver or makanga will be theirs. I choose Makanga to be mine.
First month, the Matatu make 5-6 per day. That first month, i climbed girls.. alot of them. They think i am richest man to own Matatu. Even when i go to bar, they are told, that man is the one that own 'Pied Piper' Matatu that has loudest music. When i see people look at me, i smile, knowing what they think of me. I even start looking a man that can introduce me to some members club where i can play golf.
Second month, the makanga who is my cousin become clever and they start to draw how to steal from me. So, the car start bringing 3-4 K. When i try to find out, they tell me competition is big now, and passengers are now entering the new manyanga. Two months, my matatu is no longer manyanga.
Everyday, they call 'Buda, ngari imeshikwo, ngari imegongwo, ngari imegongana, ngari imekanyanga mtu, gari imetoboka ile mtuu ya kukunya maji (the big tyres at back). Within 3 months, when i see the crew calling my number i start to tremble. Reason, they will never call to give me good news. When there is ithaa, they cant call me, but when traffic arrest the matatu, they will call. So, i decide to camp for one week in matatu and see how it will go because when i look at mirage, i see the car has gone for normal 12 - 13 round trips.
That day, i see the driver leave passages on road and the car has no people. When i ask him why he leave people and other matatus are carrying people, he say police will arrest the Matatu. I tell him to carry because others are carrying. So what he was doing was, when he see police, he will stop and carry people right where the traffic police is. The result is obvious. the Matatu is arrested. They tell me to talk with police. When police hear me is owner, he ask for Kshs. 1,000 and i give. In such situation, they normally part with 50 bob. At the end of the day, matatu had Kshs. 800 bob. so i say it is better when they are with the matatu alone. From that day, whatever they bring i take.
Tomorrow of it, they go to take people to Mau narok. The driver call me:
Driver: 'Gukihiana atia Sonko' (how does it look, boss)
Me: Ki kuru (good)
Driver: Riu sonko ri, , lori yuma thutha witu ndikiagire break (then pauses) (Now boss, lorry that was in back of us refused brakes)
Me: Iyo i thutha wanyu tigananai nayo. Inyue thiei na mbere na thabari (That lorry behind you leave it. You go on with journey)
Driver: Hena gathina kanini tondu niyatuhutia nathutha hanini (there is small problem because that lorry has touched the matatu small at back)
Me: (I am now used to the bad news ) ' ngari niyaringwo muno (Has the car been beaten so much)
Driver: ' Aca no bumper yakururwo hanini. no anga irihirio magana matano kuhura rangi ( No. it is only that is hurt small. only Kshs. 500 to paint ink on bumper)
Me 'Ndukimere makurire wenderee na thabari? (Tell them to pay you you continue in journey) I am getting annoyed coz why w'd he just call me to tell me such small matter when they can sort out. But i knew it could have been worst.
Driver: 'Thina ona ti kuriwo. Hindiyo roli iningire nathutha ndui injikirie na mbere nanie ndagutha gakari kanini kagaragara (To be paid is not the problem. That time it hit me at back, i also beat another small car infront and the small car rolled)
I am now trembling in testicles with anger. Not because of the accident but its because of the process he take to tell me the whole episode. Instead of telling me direct what happened , the beat bush and beat bush.
Later, the matatu could not finance itself and i got secret that autoneers might come for it. I had to hide it far, at Kisii until i get enough money. I have friend that come to do business, he was frustrated until he made his matatu chicken house. Today if you tell him about the business, he can beat you up. I know a dozen more that borrow loan only to find you cannot pay up the loan with the proceeds, ending up loosing the car to auctioneers. and the way bank call you by force to lend you money for matatu those days.
The business makes one to increase shock absorbers. When driver call you and tell you the matatu has fallen, the first thing you ask is, has the matatu spoilt so much? Then u ask if people have been hurt. Thats how bad it is.
Next time you want to do Matatu or any other transport business, come to me for advise. Its the worst. All type of transport are equally bad. My friend do car hire. Every month, one car must fall. And some of cars are of other people he take to rent out. Before when there was no car tract and GPRS was expensive, conmen steal three cars. Today when he rent a car to you, he tell you 'In-case of accident, dont say its for hire. Say it is for friend'
But the business is addictive. When you are into it, its like a cult. You dont get out until you are broke or auctioneers take your cars because you owe bank.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Monday, March 28, 2011
This Life: When A Girl Say Her Stomach Is For Me........
Some people can put things on you and sometimes people will think it is true. I remember grandpa one day was very angy with me when i was form three. One baby who was in form three got a stomach. She said her stomach was mine. To tell truth, it was not mine. Unless she was elephant to hold stomach for 14 months!!. 14 months before, i had beaten her tree two time. She only say that because my father was written by government and therefore could afford the fine of goats for making her have stomach.
Grandpa called me and say ' Wanjohi, akoruo urecirie niwe ndurume ya itura ni urite muno. Akoruo wi muthicani, thie uthice makara maria magiakanaga!' Means, 'Wanjohi, if you think you are He- goat of village you are lost. If you think you are a doer, go sex that hot charcoal!)
Later when the baby was born, it looked like Theuri, including all nose and black colour. The baby started talking when it was born and couldn't stop talking lies. Theuri is my friend even now and he is funny so much. He can never stop talking and i dont know where he gets all stories although most of them are for lie. If you tell him a story today, tomorrow he will forget that you are the one that tell him story and tell you the same story and he say it happened to him. Infact the way he tell story, it become more interesting. He is the tyoe that talk even in hands to firm his stories.
One day a friend tell us how he went to Karumaindo and was put medicine by the girls and they stole everything from him. You know Karumaindo is no 1 bars that put medicine for people in their drink, followed by friends corner. Another one at river-road/Luthuli junction is no. 3 (i forget name). the other now big tiume business is Citrus in ngara and Steps in tom Tboya. Tomorow when we meet with Theuri and start drinking beer, Theuri start:
'Wanjohi, let me tell you. Man, i see fire last weekend. I go to Karumaindo and you know what, i see everyone drink beer with one finger in the bottle. No one take beer with glass. So i ask for glass because i dont take beer with bottle. Only people with no money take beer with bottle because they want to drink small small and the waiter can only take the bottle when last drop is finish.
I see many women who are beautiful some with short skirt and smoke. I call one and i buy him one beer. We get friend with her and she tell me she is Wambui. When we get drunk, i tell her 'wambui, ndirenda gukuhaica' means, 'Wambui, i want to climb you' She say no problem because it is not soap, i cannot finish it. She tell me we get house in Luthuli Avenue and we walk. Everybody is looking at us because we is drunk and she is holding my hands in street but i dont care because the woman is beautiful.
Finally, we get house upstairs with no good light. Then she tell me to remove cloths and put condom on my tree. From there, the next thing i can remember is the lady that wash the room wake me up. Also the manager of hotel is there. I am naked my tree is still standing and when i look, i see condom on it. The first thing that come to my head is that we did not climb one another because condom was not used. The lady tell me that they have tried waking me up at 10 when time for sleeping finishes, but i dont feel myself. They tell me it is 5PM.
I look for clothes, but not there. I know know that i had been put medicine and its that bad. The lady stole my clothes, my phones. The manager give me clothes and fare when i tell him where i work. The problem i had was how to tell my wife'
I cut him short and tell him 'ee Theuri, tuarie ndeto ingi ici ciaku itiraingirana. Iyo thimu akiri iria yaku? kai wekiyiruo ni tumundu twa ndawa uracokeirio thimu na wallet? ' (eish Theuri, lets speak other words because those words to dont enter one another. How come you have phone and wallet? or the lady that put medicine in your beer later return your phone and wallet?' He laughs and insist its a true story.
But he is one interesting man to be with. The other day although he is not member of out Kiama come to where we were eating goat. He is not allowed to talk on matters that is not for him since he is not member. But when we start to suggest what we should do next, Theuri is the one that gives all advise. One man who is chairman call me aside and say 'Wanjohi, who is this man that you bring here? tell him to talk little.
I dont know if you have such friend. They are good and they are bad. The baby that was born also is like Theuri. The baby is now std 8 and i hear the teachers gave up on that baby. Another day, he go to headmaster and say,
'i know that you are my father. Why is it that you dont help me' The boy is always Talking papapapapappapa all the time. Like father, like son. The headmaster is big brother of Theuri. (to say true, Theuri is the one that reads the boy but since the boy since nursery school)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Grandpa called me and say ' Wanjohi, akoruo urecirie niwe ndurume ya itura ni urite muno. Akoruo wi muthicani, thie uthice makara maria magiakanaga!' Means, 'Wanjohi, if you think you are He- goat of village you are lost. If you think you are a doer, go sex that hot charcoal!)
Later when the baby was born, it looked like Theuri, including all nose and black colour. The baby started talking when it was born and couldn't stop talking lies. Theuri is my friend even now and he is funny so much. He can never stop talking and i dont know where he gets all stories although most of them are for lie. If you tell him a story today, tomorrow he will forget that you are the one that tell him story and tell you the same story and he say it happened to him. Infact the way he tell story, it become more interesting. He is the tyoe that talk even in hands to firm his stories.
One day a friend tell us how he went to Karumaindo and was put medicine by the girls and they stole everything from him. You know Karumaindo is no 1 bars that put medicine for people in their drink, followed by friends corner. Another one at river-road/Luthuli junction is no. 3 (i forget name). the other now big tiume business is Citrus in ngara and Steps in tom Tboya. Tomorow when we meet with Theuri and start drinking beer, Theuri start:
'Wanjohi, let me tell you. Man, i see fire last weekend. I go to Karumaindo and you know what, i see everyone drink beer with one finger in the bottle. No one take beer with glass. So i ask for glass because i dont take beer with bottle. Only people with no money take beer with bottle because they want to drink small small and the waiter can only take the bottle when last drop is finish.
I see many women who are beautiful some with short skirt and smoke. I call one and i buy him one beer. We get friend with her and she tell me she is Wambui. When we get drunk, i tell her 'wambui, ndirenda gukuhaica' means, 'Wambui, i want to climb you' She say no problem because it is not soap, i cannot finish it. She tell me we get house in Luthuli Avenue and we walk. Everybody is looking at us because we is drunk and she is holding my hands in street but i dont care because the woman is beautiful.
Finally, we get house upstairs with no good light. Then she tell me to remove cloths and put condom on my tree. From there, the next thing i can remember is the lady that wash the room wake me up. Also the manager of hotel is there. I am naked my tree is still standing and when i look, i see condom on it. The first thing that come to my head is that we did not climb one another because condom was not used. The lady tell me that they have tried waking me up at 10 when time for sleeping finishes, but i dont feel myself. They tell me it is 5PM.
I look for clothes, but not there. I know know that i had been put medicine and its that bad. The lady stole my clothes, my phones. The manager give me clothes and fare when i tell him where i work. The problem i had was how to tell my wife'
I cut him short and tell him 'ee Theuri, tuarie ndeto ingi ici ciaku itiraingirana. Iyo thimu akiri iria yaku? kai wekiyiruo ni tumundu twa ndawa uracokeirio thimu na wallet? ' (eish Theuri, lets speak other words because those words to dont enter one another. How come you have phone and wallet? or the lady that put medicine in your beer later return your phone and wallet?' He laughs and insist its a true story.
But he is one interesting man to be with. The other day although he is not member of out Kiama come to where we were eating goat. He is not allowed to talk on matters that is not for him since he is not member. But when we start to suggest what we should do next, Theuri is the one that gives all advise. One man who is chairman call me aside and say 'Wanjohi, who is this man that you bring here? tell him to talk little.
I dont know if you have such friend. They are good and they are bad. The baby that was born also is like Theuri. The baby is now std 8 and i hear the teachers gave up on that baby. Another day, he go to headmaster and say,
'i know that you are my father. Why is it that you dont help me' The boy is always Talking papapapapappapa all the time. Like father, like son. The headmaster is big brother of Theuri. (to say true, Theuri is the one that reads the boy but since the boy since nursery school)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Between Hard place and Hard Rock... But i overcame
One day we were drinking beer at Magomano with a friend on Saturday and when had only 1k and maupusi remaining, a girl i had been borrowing for sometime called me. Her name is Salome and she was written in exhibition to sell mobile phones.
'Wanjohi, uko wapi?' I told her i was at Magomano and she said she will be there in small minutes.
When she reached, she asked for black ice which come two two. We drank until i remain with Kshs. 250 in my pocket. The girl then tol me she is hungry. my heart started beating loud. If i remove once cent from 250, it meant more trouble for me. Matatu charge 50 to my estate and i must take taxi at Kshs. 200 to my house. She then told me she wanted to sleep.
Getting more confused, I told her to go home but she told me if she had to go, i escort her upto her house. When i asked her where she stay, she told me Dadora. That made my heart beat louder than African Israel drums because of Mungiki of Dandora. I tried to do mathematics and they refuse to enter each other. I dont know what to do and all friends i call were all at home. Mind you, there was no Mpesa those days.
So we walk on street, i dont know what to tell the little woman. We just walk aimlessly towards Ambassador along Tom mboya street. I honestly didnt know what to do. I was drawing how to disappear and leave her when i heard a Subaru car behind me play loud music and loud exhaust sound. When it pass, i recognize its for my friend, Wambua. Waaaa... Miracles do happen.
I gave the lady two hundred and told her to enter Red Robbins and buy chips and chicken, I will be back in a shortwhile. Immediately, i run after the car, raising hands and shouting 'wambua weeeeeee sssss wambua!!!' on street. Due to loud music, he couldnt hear but by Gods grace, wambua saw somebody running after his car and he stopped. I went panting and told him:
'I spread my problems to Wambua and asked for a soft loan of 2K. He first laughed and laughed, then said he will even buy us one drink for console me. But i fear if Salome see the souped up Subaru car and the music system (has even small tv), he will be stolen by wambua there there. So i refused the offer.
Wambua removed his wallet and give me 3k instead of 2k and sped off. I went to Red robbin and see the lady already eating the chicken and chips.
From there, we went to room and beat her trees proper. She liked my stylo of beating things and from that day i did her until she got married last year.
Problem is, two months after marriage, the man who married her threw her. The reason he threw her was because one day the man was drinking beer with Karis wa NZE. When they got drunk, the guy started singing about his wife Salome after Mugithi started singing this song.. ...(SALOME SALOME SALOME SALOME teteeeee tetetee tetee mmmmm mm salome salome... you know that song? ). He got so happy and sang along. After the song, he started to sing good things about his wife, Salome. Karis, out of drunked, told him
"now what you say. That salome has been beaten trees by Wanjohi until no thread is remaining. Bure kabisa" That very night, he went home and throw her.
(Advise.. it is not good to know people that used to do your wife/girlfriend. And
never want to imagine your wife used to get banged. Let the lies they tell you, like, you are the 2nd man in her life or the man that split her went to USA or worse still, that you are the one that split her, yet you know it was downhill (Mteremko) when you entered first time remain like. And never drink with people that you suspect used to bang your wife before you married her. No good oh )
Anyway, whether i still bang that person or not is not relevant. That reminds me one day in class 6, english teacher tell us to write composition about HEADMASTER. He give each pupil 1 fulls-cap. I knew so much about headmaster. I wrote and turn the other side, asked for another and it finished 2 sides too. I wrote alot of things about headmaster, including some nasty things about him. All other pupil write on one page and some don't even finish one page. When teacher returned the compositions, mine was crossed in the middle with red pen and written 'irrelevant'.
Todate, i dont know what was irrelevant in my composition. But i know the teacher did not like me because i talked too much. Every time he come and ask for noisemakers, he said my name first even without checking if it was written or not. I was told even when I was absent, our names used to be read out. 'Today's noisemakers come infront:
'Wanjohi , Maina, Njambi" (my school time girlfriend from class two until 8, although she did not give me even one time) Then reads the list from the class prefect. Same thing happened to pupils who were given monto, (the hard thing given to people who talk mother tongue in school) he always used to read 'Wanjohi, Maina, Njambi, ...' then reads prefect's list. Because of that tread, I used to take monto in the morning, and not pass to anyone, therefore, giving everyone else opportunity to speak english in class. But used to be rewarded by being given to Milks of Nyayo during milk days when others were taking one. Again, everyone used to make sure i was not given milk packet drawn girls.
From that day, i said one thing, if other time i dont have money and a woman come to me, maybe she want to be beaten tree or something, i will better run full speed than subject myself to such pressure! Its not worth it.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
'Wanjohi, uko wapi?' I told her i was at Magomano and she said she will be there in small minutes.
When she reached, she asked for black ice which come two two. We drank until i remain with Kshs. 250 in my pocket. The girl then tol me she is hungry. my heart started beating loud. If i remove once cent from 250, it meant more trouble for me. Matatu charge 50 to my estate and i must take taxi at Kshs. 200 to my house. She then told me she wanted to sleep.
Getting more confused, I told her to go home but she told me if she had to go, i escort her upto her house. When i asked her where she stay, she told me Dadora. That made my heart beat louder than African Israel drums because of Mungiki of Dandora. I tried to do mathematics and they refuse to enter each other. I dont know what to do and all friends i call were all at home. Mind you, there was no Mpesa those days.
So we walk on street, i dont know what to tell the little woman. We just walk aimlessly towards Ambassador along Tom mboya street. I honestly didnt know what to do. I was drawing how to disappear and leave her when i heard a Subaru car behind me play loud music and loud exhaust sound. When it pass, i recognize its for my friend, Wambua. Waaaa... Miracles do happen.
I gave the lady two hundred and told her to enter Red Robbins and buy chips and chicken, I will be back in a shortwhile. Immediately, i run after the car, raising hands and shouting 'wambua weeeeeee sssss wambua!!!' on street. Due to loud music, he couldnt hear but by Gods grace, wambua saw somebody running after his car and he stopped. I went panting and told him:
'I spread my problems to Wambua and asked for a soft loan of 2K. He first laughed and laughed, then said he will even buy us one drink for console me. But i fear if Salome see the souped up Subaru car and the music system (has even small tv), he will be stolen by wambua there there. So i refused the offer.
Wambua removed his wallet and give me 3k instead of 2k and sped off. I went to Red robbin and see the lady already eating the chicken and chips.
From there, we went to room and beat her trees proper. She liked my stylo of beating things and from that day i did her until she got married last year.
Problem is, two months after marriage, the man who married her threw her. The reason he threw her was because one day the man was drinking beer with Karis wa NZE. When they got drunk, the guy started singing about his wife Salome after Mugithi started singing this song.. ...(SALOME SALOME SALOME SALOME teteeeee tetetee tetee mmmmm mm salome salome... you know that song? ). He got so happy and sang along. After the song, he started to sing good things about his wife, Salome. Karis, out of drunked, told him
"now what you say. That salome has been beaten trees by Wanjohi until no thread is remaining. Bure kabisa" That very night, he went home and throw her.
(Advise.. it is not good to know people that used to do your wife/girlfriend. And
never want to imagine your wife used to get banged. Let the lies they tell you, like, you are the 2nd man in her life or the man that split her went to USA or worse still, that you are the one that split her, yet you know it was downhill (Mteremko) when you entered first time remain like. And never drink with people that you suspect used to bang your wife before you married her. No good oh )
Anyway, whether i still bang that person or not is not relevant. That reminds me one day in class 6, english teacher tell us to write composition about HEADMASTER. He give each pupil 1 fulls-cap. I knew so much about headmaster. I wrote and turn the other side, asked for another and it finished 2 sides too. I wrote alot of things about headmaster, including some nasty things about him. All other pupil write on one page and some don't even finish one page. When teacher returned the compositions, mine was crossed in the middle with red pen and written 'irrelevant'.
Todate, i dont know what was irrelevant in my composition. But i know the teacher did not like me because i talked too much. Every time he come and ask for noisemakers, he said my name first even without checking if it was written or not. I was told even when I was absent, our names used to be read out. 'Today's noisemakers come infront:
'Wanjohi , Maina, Njambi" (my school time girlfriend from class two until 8, although she did not give me even one time) Then reads the list from the class prefect. Same thing happened to pupils who were given monto, (the hard thing given to people who talk mother tongue in school) he always used to read 'Wanjohi, Maina, Njambi, ...' then reads prefect's list. Because of that tread, I used to take monto in the morning, and not pass to anyone, therefore, giving everyone else opportunity to speak english in class. But used to be rewarded by being given to Milks of Nyayo during milk days when others were taking one. Again, everyone used to make sure i was not given milk packet drawn girls.
From that day, i said one thing, if other time i dont have money and a woman come to me, maybe she want to be beaten tree or something, i will better run full speed than subject myself to such pressure! Its not worth it.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Thursday, March 24, 2011
How my Effort to Seduce girls backfired
Long time when i was reading primary school, we used to read lesson called Mother tongue. Infact all primary, we read everything in Kikuyu and kiswahili,. Teacher would read book in english and interpret. to us. That is why our English is not prefect and in any way, english came by sea.
When we finish std. 8, i go to Kagumo secondary and other pupils who are girls go to girls school like Kangubiri, nginda girls and Naromoro girls. I had not passed very well but since my father was written by government, he call headmaster and tell him to admit me. So when we close school, the girls who go those good school come and talk English in village. In our school, like what it was happening in primary, we only talk English during English lesson. In fact one day pupils laugh at me in school when in form one coz they think i talk to english teacher in Kikuyu. But i swear it was not kikuyu, it was kiswahili. When i came late in class, teacher ask me' wanjohi, why are you coming from?' I dont know how to say in english so i tell her in Kiswahili 'nilikuwa nimesahau kufunga locker yangu kwa dormitory...' before i finish, she say in big voice, 'Wanjohi, cant you talk in english?' All the pupils laugh because they think i talk to her in Kikuyu.
One day, after i circumcise, i was told i must wipe rust (kuhura mbiro) and when you wipe rust with a girl, you dont do her again. So i target one girl who was school at Kangubiri girls. I timed her when she was coming from Maize mealer. I was a reader of novels by James Hardly Chase and so borrowing in English was not supposed to be problem. I took her to Hotel of Mama Waigwa and drink tea and madazi. We talk many things about school and how far we have gone with sylabus and what activity we do in school. She talk to me in english but i dont know good English but i trie. Then i deviated and wanted to borrow things. The way i borrowed things was a killer and i will never forget. Just like i read in James hardly chase novel, i tell the girl in english 'How about a fuck?)
She look me in eye and ask, what did you just say? i repeat. I thought that was a strong statement that would guarantee me things. She leave tea and half mandazi and took her kiondo of maize meal and left. From that day, she see me and throw saliva out. From that day, i change trick on how to borrow but they all backfire.
One day, we go for playing in school called Othaya girls. I take one girl who was from Naromoru girls and i tell her i take her for lunch. I had 100 shillings. I wanted to borrow when we are eating. I had carried photos of me to exchange with girls. I gave her my photo and tell her to go with me for lunch. Instead of coming alone, she call three more girls and we go to people that hawk food in field. They all ask for big soda and half bread. When i do mathematics, i see all the 100 shilling is finished, so i did not take anything, i tell the girl that i had eaten before. I salivate when i see them eat soda and bread yet i am the one that buy but wunt eat even one slice.
Another day, i hear our christian union were going to Naromoru girls for reunion. I decide to get saved so that i go meet the ladies who eat all my 100 bob. Everybody is happy and say, another person has been written in the book of life. Tomorrow, we go to Naromoru girls. I meet the girls and we chat happily. When service start, the CU chairman say one man called Wanjohi gave his life to Christ the day before and he will give testimony.
I had never talked to so many people beforeand did not know good english at all. I stood infront of them trembling. I froze and forgot what to say, so i just stood there and waited for God to give me words to remove testimony but where?. Seeing no words coming, i decided to say what i know:
'plaaaise the God! Pllllaaaaise the God again . Haaareruyaaa!!! My name is Wanjohi of Kigogoine and was saved tomorrow'
I heard the pupils break in laughter. I did not know why, then i remember i said i was saved tomorrow instead of i was saved yesterday. I felt my testicles go to stomach. I went and sat back near the girl but she does not want to see me again. From that day, i say if God cannot give me words to say, then i better go back.
Later, i decide to choose girls that go to school of lower quality that don't speak English and i find one girl called Njoki. I had borrowed ideas from other boys in school that the best way to borrow a girl is to invite her to your cube and when she come, you touch the breasts. She will instantly get on heat and give you there there. Other good ideas i was told was to lick your lips when you seer good woman and make eye contacts.
I lied to Njoki and she came to my cube. Immediately i made my intention know to her by touch touching her until she got smell (muruki). When she started to mourn, I told her to jump on bed and remove all cloths. It is then that she say to me: 'Wanjohi, it is not today. I am seeing!' It took me another three terms before i wiped rusts!!
I remain,
Wanjohi wa kigogoine.
(connect on facebook @ wanjohikigogoine@yahoo.com)
When we finish std. 8, i go to Kagumo secondary and other pupils who are girls go to girls school like Kangubiri, nginda girls and Naromoro girls. I had not passed very well but since my father was written by government, he call headmaster and tell him to admit me. So when we close school, the girls who go those good school come and talk English in village. In our school, like what it was happening in primary, we only talk English during English lesson. In fact one day pupils laugh at me in school when in form one coz they think i talk to english teacher in Kikuyu. But i swear it was not kikuyu, it was kiswahili. When i came late in class, teacher ask me' wanjohi, why are you coming from?' I dont know how to say in english so i tell her in Kiswahili 'nilikuwa nimesahau kufunga locker yangu kwa dormitory...' before i finish, she say in big voice, 'Wanjohi, cant you talk in english?' All the pupils laugh because they think i talk to her in Kikuyu.
One day, after i circumcise, i was told i must wipe rust (kuhura mbiro) and when you wipe rust with a girl, you dont do her again. So i target one girl who was school at Kangubiri girls. I timed her when she was coming from Maize mealer. I was a reader of novels by James Hardly Chase and so borrowing in English was not supposed to be problem. I took her to Hotel of Mama Waigwa and drink tea and madazi. We talk many things about school and how far we have gone with sylabus and what activity we do in school. She talk to me in english but i dont know good English but i trie. Then i deviated and wanted to borrow things. The way i borrowed things was a killer and i will never forget. Just like i read in James hardly chase novel, i tell the girl in english 'How about a fuck?)
She look me in eye and ask, what did you just say? i repeat. I thought that was a strong statement that would guarantee me things. She leave tea and half mandazi and took her kiondo of maize meal and left. From that day, she see me and throw saliva out. From that day, i change trick on how to borrow but they all backfire.
One day, we go for playing in school called Othaya girls. I take one girl who was from Naromoru girls and i tell her i take her for lunch. I had 100 shillings. I wanted to borrow when we are eating. I had carried photos of me to exchange with girls. I gave her my photo and tell her to go with me for lunch. Instead of coming alone, she call three more girls and we go to people that hawk food in field. They all ask for big soda and half bread. When i do mathematics, i see all the 100 shilling is finished, so i did not take anything, i tell the girl that i had eaten before. I salivate when i see them eat soda and bread yet i am the one that buy but wunt eat even one slice.
Another day, i hear our christian union were going to Naromoru girls for reunion. I decide to get saved so that i go meet the ladies who eat all my 100 bob. Everybody is happy and say, another person has been written in the book of life. Tomorrow, we go to Naromoru girls. I meet the girls and we chat happily. When service start, the CU chairman say one man called Wanjohi gave his life to Christ the day before and he will give testimony.
I had never talked to so many people beforeand did not know good english at all. I stood infront of them trembling. I froze and forgot what to say, so i just stood there and waited for God to give me words to remove testimony but where?. Seeing no words coming, i decided to say what i know:
'plaaaise the God! Pllllaaaaise the God again . Haaareruyaaa!!! My name is Wanjohi of Kigogoine and was saved tomorrow'
I heard the pupils break in laughter. I did not know why, then i remember i said i was saved tomorrow instead of i was saved yesterday. I felt my testicles go to stomach. I went and sat back near the girl but she does not want to see me again. From that day, i say if God cannot give me words to say, then i better go back.
Later, i decide to choose girls that go to school of lower quality that don't speak English and i find one girl called Njoki. I had borrowed ideas from other boys in school that the best way to borrow a girl is to invite her to your cube and when she come, you touch the breasts. She will instantly get on heat and give you there there. Other good ideas i was told was to lick your lips when you seer good woman and make eye contacts.
I lied to Njoki and she came to my cube. Immediately i made my intention know to her by touch touching her until she got smell (muruki). When she started to mourn, I told her to jump on bed and remove all cloths. It is then that she say to me: 'Wanjohi, it is not today. I am seeing!' It took me another three terms before i wiped rusts!!
I remain,
Wanjohi wa kigogoine.
(connect on facebook @ wanjohikigogoine@yahoo.com)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
How To Trick A Girl If You Want To Sleep In Her House.
One day long time i meet woman in bus. She has good buttocks, big enough, good legs and talk well. We talk and she tell me her name is Shiru and she is written as secretary and reception in Town. She talk to me in English, i reply in Kikuyu. I tell her my father is big in government and that i is in University (hehehe that is a too much lie) part time and run my father many business. I tell her i dont like bus but my car refused to start in morning.
When tomorrow comes, she call me and tell to go supper at her house in Kariobangi. I reach her house and see the girl is more beautiful. I plan how to sleep in her house and come up with a plan. i organize with my friend to send me sms when it reaches 9 PM and pretend he is Mungiki and want my head.
At exactly 9, my phone sms tone cries and i look at phone message: ' Ithui ni Mungiki na nitumenyete niuraria ndeto cia mungiki muno. Nitui haria uri thaa ici na tugugweterera tuoe Kiongo giaku. Ithui turi oru muno' mean in english: We are mungiki and we have know that you are talking words of Mungiki so much. We know where you is and we wait here to cut your throat. We are very bad'
I show the lady the sms and she feel worry for me. She tell me i should not go out. I pretend am brave and tell her i will go, nobody dies two times. She insist and tell me to sleep in her house. I smile inside because my plan worked. So, it is time to sleep and i have not borrowed her things or shown interest. I am clever because you dont who interest early. When it comes to time to sleep, she tell me i sleep in her bed, she sleep on sofa set in her one room house. I agree then i tell her she can sleep beside me, i dont bite people.
All long, the woman remove cloths and put on night dress infront of me. She does not feel ashamed of the. My heart beats and mouth get dry. My penis stands like it has never. She then jump in the bed and sleep facing other side. So i start to talk to her and we beat stories, still facing on that side. I want to touch her but cant make my mind. I think of trick to use but get none as my head is blank. I then say, i will count 123 then i touch her. I find myself counting many times before touching her. it is fear.
The woman then turns but her stomach face down. I am unable to say word. For the last time, i say i will count up to ten and on 10th time, i start touching her. I then slowly pretend am scratching myself on leg and when am returning my hand, i put it on her back. The woman get happy and tell me to scratch her back. I say in my heart ' Thiga ni a rua' (Thiga has circumcised) and do it like am getting paid.
The woman turn and look up and i start to scratch the breasts and i see she does not refuse. I jump onto her breast and start sucking. Although my grandfather say to me long time that only babies suck women breasts, i say i will do like i see on videos. I suck until she moan like baby 'uuuhh aaaaahhh eeeeeoo wanjohiiiiiiii' . After a small time, i see she wakes up and remove her night dress and her pantie. She then tell me to remove boxer and i do it very fast. She then go to her box and remove condom. I see a packet has supposed to be three but it only two. So i say in my heart, there is another man that sleep here eh?
She then come and take my penis and want to put in her mouth, but i tell her my language (kabila yetu) does not allow. I once hear that a woman can pretend she was to suck your penis but instead, end up cutting your penis with her mouth. So when i insert my penis, i feel warmth and she squize my penis inside with her muscles. I feel soo good within one minute, i poured. She looks me in worry and ask 'wanjohi, kai waita naihenya niki? (Wanjohi, why has you poured so fast?)
I tell her that it is because i remember Mungiki want to cut my throat. Then after small time, i remember her big buttocks and her big breasts and my penis stand again. This time, i dont pour very fast. We try many position and she tell me doggy. then i remember my grandfather say that it is illegal to do dog style in our language, i refuse.
She got happy and from that day, she will invite me for supper many days and give me her things. I ask for advise how not to pour fast and that is why she later came to like me.
Later, she get married to Macharia, the guy that sell hardware and is now building a flat. Macharia is my friend and when i go to his house, i dont look the woman in eye because i dont want to remember how sweet she was and Macharia may know that i used to do that. If he know, he might stop my friendship.
I remain,
When tomorrow comes, she call me and tell to go supper at her house in Kariobangi. I reach her house and see the girl is more beautiful. I plan how to sleep in her house and come up with a plan. i organize with my friend to send me sms when it reaches 9 PM and pretend he is Mungiki and want my head.
At exactly 9, my phone sms tone cries and i look at phone message: ' Ithui ni Mungiki na nitumenyete niuraria ndeto cia mungiki muno. Nitui haria uri thaa ici na tugugweterera tuoe Kiongo giaku. Ithui turi oru muno' mean in english: We are mungiki and we have know that you are talking words of Mungiki so much. We know where you is and we wait here to cut your throat. We are very bad'
I show the lady the sms and she feel worry for me. She tell me i should not go out. I pretend am brave and tell her i will go, nobody dies two times. She insist and tell me to sleep in her house. I smile inside because my plan worked. So, it is time to sleep and i have not borrowed her things or shown interest. I am clever because you dont who interest early. When it comes to time to sleep, she tell me i sleep in her bed, she sleep on sofa set in her one room house. I agree then i tell her she can sleep beside me, i dont bite people.
All long, the woman remove cloths and put on night dress infront of me. She does not feel ashamed of the. My heart beats and mouth get dry. My penis stands like it has never. She then jump in the bed and sleep facing other side. So i start to talk to her and we beat stories, still facing on that side. I want to touch her but cant make my mind. I think of trick to use but get none as my head is blank. I then say, i will count 123 then i touch her. I find myself counting many times before touching her. it is fear.
The woman then turns but her stomach face down. I am unable to say word. For the last time, i say i will count up to ten and on 10th time, i start touching her. I then slowly pretend am scratching myself on leg and when am returning my hand, i put it on her back. The woman get happy and tell me to scratch her back. I say in my heart ' Thiga ni a rua' (Thiga has circumcised) and do it like am getting paid.
The woman turn and look up and i start to scratch the breasts and i see she does not refuse. I jump onto her breast and start sucking. Although my grandfather say to me long time that only babies suck women breasts, i say i will do like i see on videos. I suck until she moan like baby 'uuuhh aaaaahhh eeeeeoo wanjohiiiiiiii' . After a small time, i see she wakes up and remove her night dress and her pantie. She then tell me to remove boxer and i do it very fast. She then go to her box and remove condom. I see a packet has supposed to be three but it only two. So i say in my heart, there is another man that sleep here eh?
She then come and take my penis and want to put in her mouth, but i tell her my language (kabila yetu) does not allow. I once hear that a woman can pretend she was to suck your penis but instead, end up cutting your penis with her mouth. So when i insert my penis, i feel warmth and she squize my penis inside with her muscles. I feel soo good within one minute, i poured. She looks me in worry and ask 'wanjohi, kai waita naihenya niki? (Wanjohi, why has you poured so fast?)
I tell her that it is because i remember Mungiki want to cut my throat. Then after small time, i remember her big buttocks and her big breasts and my penis stand again. This time, i dont pour very fast. We try many position and she tell me doggy. then i remember my grandfather say that it is illegal to do dog style in our language, i refuse.
She got happy and from that day, she will invite me for supper many days and give me her things. I ask for advise how not to pour fast and that is why she later came to like me.
Later, she get married to Macharia, the guy that sell hardware and is now building a flat. Macharia is my friend and when i go to his house, i dont look the woman in eye because i dont want to remember how sweet she was and Macharia may know that i used to do that. If he know, he might stop my friendship.
I remain,
When My Penis Refused To Stand.....
I dont know if any of you has ever been with girl and when you want to do her, the penis refuses to stand? For woman, its different because if she refuse to get on heat, one can use Vaseline or any other oil to make her wet.
One day I read in newspaper: 'Are you looking for a woman? sms 4055. I take phone and send sms. Everyday, they take 10 shillings and send me many names of woman who want casual sex: ' Liz, 21 yrs. Good looking, slender blah blah. If you want to connect with her Call 072xxxxxxx. One day, i hear sms ring it say: 'Maria, 22, slender, tall and brown. If you want to connect with her call 0714******** . Immediately, I take phone and i call number and girl with good voice take phone and we talk many time. She say she is pupil at university of Mt. Kenya in Thika.
One day i tell her to come to town and drink my beer. She say town is far and if i want, i go to thika. I call my friend Jimmi to go with me and when we go to Thika, i call girl to come and tell her to come with friend who is woman. They come three. We go to club and they drink my beer. All girl look black, big and heavy, not thin that they say in sms. The all speak English, some queen English, so where i dont hear, i ask my friend to tell me in my language what it means. That was one reason i dont left him behind when i meet girls from university. They eat too much like their body before we finish 3kg of meat.
In the middle of things, i borrow one and she say we will see. My friend also borrow things and he go with one. The one with no person goes back to hostel by boda boda. So i go with one to room. When we enter room, she remove all clothes but not pantie and we start to kiss. She remove my belt and the trouser falls down and she start to lick my penis. she do it and the penis refuse to stand. I tell her it can stand if i see her vagina. She tell me its long time since she see man. When she remove pantie, i see big hair like wig surround the vagina and so i see no vagina. I tries to imagine good woman i see before but my penis refuse to stand. I trie to imagine photos i see on Video and internet but where? We sleep until morning and the penis refuse to stand. She try to touch it but cannot. Infact is becomes smaller when i remember the hair that surround her vagina. From that day, i say, if i call woman i dont know, i will pretend am playing with her and insert my hand on her trouser to feel if she has many hair. I dont want do embarrass myself again like that.
Tomorrow, i write to her to apologies and she write back to me and this his how she write:
'Dear Wanjohi,
Spelling and grammar count boy!. I dont want to say that i was looking for a brain surgeon, but I like to think the person I'm dating is intelligent enough to spell pussy correctly. Again, I 'm open to a lot of things, but not a man who is 30. For your information, I have a Dad and therefore, I dont need another one. Also, fat men pisses me off. I am a quite big, yeah but your size? hell no.
Again, did you tell me that you are married? Boy, Die! Seriously, Never in all my life will I ever help someone cheat on their wives. Never. Lastly, I didn't like the way you assumed that because I was looking for a casual encounter, I would just show up and fuck you. I'm yet to be told I'm aint good in bed, but boy I do amazing things but not for dimwits like YOU!. Get a life and don't ever call me again!'
I don't know what that means 100% but i have idea. So, from that day, if my penis stand when i don't want, (like if see good thighs on street or i remember some good lady) i flashback that woman and her big hairs in the vagina and it stops standing.
Another thing i dont know why a lady must lie that she is small in years, thin, brown but when she comes, you see she is old, very big and has no shaved? why?
I remain
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Breaking Girl Virginity: How To Guide
Some stories are embarasing to say with you but i have to say to you so you dont make same mistake.
One day, i had neibor who was girl. They were staying two and we were staying two also. I wanted to do one girl and so one day when my roomate was cooking Ugali, i sneaked into the neibor house and borrowed the things of that girl. She tell me she is virgin and cannot. I touch her breasts and they all stand and she start kissing me. She sighs hard and hard and we remove all clothes and i put her on her bed.
I take my penis and trie to insert on her virgina but it refuse. She is virgin and there is no hole. I tried and tried but cannot go in. She cry of pain and i dont stop but my penis does not go in. So she throws me away and she put clothes. I trie to beg her to let me pour but she cannot. I tell her to touch the penis up and down so that i pour but she still cry of pain and tell me to get out.
I go with my penis still standing and tell me roomate. He laughs at me and tell me he cannot do virgin. Tomorrow, i say hi to the girl but she refuse to answer.
Two weeks after, my roomate go to her house and ate her. He told me its me i dont know how to eat virgin girls. He say, first put finger with oil (any oil, even oil for face) in her virgina. When one finger enter, he put two. Slowly, not by force as he suck the breasts. The girl felt good and tell the roomate to enter his penis. He enter his penis slowly and then with speed. The girl felt good. From that day, he eat the girl every day except when she is seeing.
Later, when she see me, she throw saliva out and say 'mmmm'. Then two years we see each other and asks 'wanjohi, niwamenyire guikana?' Meaning wanjohi, did you know how to do people?' I say yes and tell her to give me. She say, noo. i cannot give you if first time you make me feel pain and all you wanted was to pour. You are selfish and i will not give you!
From that day i say, if one is virgin, i will follow the advise of my friend. Use oil (even for face) and start with fingers. Good advise, isnt it?
Buying Condoms Nightmare
I dont know why people feel fear when buying condoms. One day, i invite neibor in my house. The neibor was girl. So, she put little skirt and we watch Tv when she seat on the other side. When i look her, i see her legs apart and see red pantie and my penis stands up.
I start borrowing the things. She say ok and i go to her seat. I remove her browse and see her good breast and i suck. Then i remove her skirt and red pantie. then she tell me to remove trouser and she touch my testicles and penis and i feel like to enter now. I stand up and take my penis and when i want to enter, say 'wanjohi, do you have condom?'
I say no. So i put trouser back and run to buy condom. When i reach shop, i first look left right, then go in. I find woman sell there. She ask what i want to buy because i first stay there without saying anything. i tell her i want to buy panadol. I go to another and before i buy, i see people coming, i buy tropical. I go to third shop and before i ask for it, i buy another Panadol.
Now disappointed, i decide to buy from Chemist, about 1 kilometer away. I first look through the shop to make sure its there.
Me : unausa makobosto?
Cashier : Makobosto ni nini?
Me: Ile pale. (pointing the trust packet)
Cashier: OOH.. you mean Condoms.
Me: Yes. But am angry because he shout too much.
Cashier: How many
Me: 3 (i meant one which has 3 inside but i say 3 because i cannot think good now)
Cashier: wow its going to be good night, hhehehehehe, good luck
People behind look me as if i was thief or satan and some were smiling me.
So when i go back to house, it is 30 minutes late and the lady has gone. From that day, i say i will not buy condom from open places. And why he laugh?
Have you ever felt or faced tough situation like that?
Yours
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Government To Circumcise 500,000: My Story Of Circumcisions
I read in newspaper they say goverment want to circumcise 500,000 Men. It remembers me when i finish 8, i go to secondary school called Kagumo high without circumcision. So, boys who are big were at form 3 and 4 so they beat us and pull our penises infront of people. One boy ask you to remove clothes then take your penis and pull you all over muhoya hse as circumcised boys cheer on. Then we get all socks and clothes to wash untill we get circumcised. So, when i go for holiday on april i tell father, i want circumcision. I am now big and student say they will circumcise me if i go back kihii.
So father say ok. We call dance at home and all big boys who circumcised come to dance. very early tomorow, i go to face knife. The circumsiser man tell me' wanjohi remove your trouser. I remove half. he say 'dont be sirry. i say all. Feeling ashamed i remove.
He take my penis and say, wanjohi, you will fill pain because your penis is big. He removes needle and injects at the side. it is very pain. He takes another needdle and injects again. Again, like he want me to fell pain , he injects 3times! The man that takes me there (mutiri) say, dont cry, if you cry you not man. So i terorate. Then he ask, you want to circumsise Kikuyu or english? i say kikuyu. He take my foreskin and looks to see where to cut. Then, one time, pap, he cut the whole foreskin and then looks for threads to stitch. We thn go home.
When we reach home, pain starts to come. Too much pain. I walk like criple bending so that no material touches my penis. We meet boys in my thingira and they start give advise. They ask 'wanjohi who is your father'
I say Githinji. they slap me hard and tell me the man that take me to cirmcusise is now my father. Then they call me: 'wanjohi'
i say 'uyu haha' They beat me again and say, from now, you is not wanjohi. you is 'Kirui kia ngoma' (means, circumsised of devil). So when they call ' wanjohi' i say 'ndietagwo wanjohi, njitaguo kirui kia ngoma' (meaning, i is not wanjohi. my name is 'Circumcised of Satan') They would then rename the my bed. everything in the thingira given new name. Including the legs of a stool and table.
Tomorrow, they bring girls to my cube. They tell the girl to put legs apart and i see pantie. my penis stands and start cracking. I feel pain so i tell one man to give me cold water in bottle, i touch it on my penis and it stops standing. But blood come out. This happen many time every day and for two week when i remember the pantie i see, the penis must stand and put cold bottle on my penis to stop standing.
The boys ask for uji, one kibuyu full. They ask me to drink all. They give me many food. If i refuse, they beat me. That was very bad. But i come out a man who is strong and learn our language habits.
Now, i feel for the 500,000 Men. Circumcision is not JOKE!!! They will feel MORE pain if their penis stand before it heal. If you are not circumcise, please you better run away. it pains more than any other pain. I woud never recomend circumsion for anyone that has seen naked women, because, when you think of naked women, you will bleed and you will never HEAL!!!
Yours Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
The Lives And Time Of Wanjohi: Real Live Story
When i finish form 4 (about 10 years later, nearly 2002), i did not score good maks to go unviesity. So my father called me in the big house and asked 'wanjohi, you fail exam. You want to be police, or teacher of primary? I said i want business. what business? i said Matatu. The father said, no. no no. look for more. i said slaughter. buy cows and slaughter at Githinjiro. He said ok and give me 50,000.
So, i go to neibor, Mwaniki, i buy bull for slaughter. but i did not carry the bull at night because it was Zebu and if mix with my father grade cows, it must jump on them at night, mate and they born Zebu and zebu has no milk. So i tell mwaniki, tomorow, i will come carry my bull for slaughter on friday.
Tomorrow morning, when i go to correct the bull, i meet a person coming from neibor that sell me the bull. He say to me 'Wanjohi, oooh am pole, for what i hear happened to your bull.'
I ask What? he tells i hear your bull die at night. the dead body of your bull is at field. I go to owner home and ask what to do. He say to me 'wanjohi, you buy the bull yesteday, so it it died, it was on your hand. I feel bad and go home to look for other thing to do. Me, Wanjohi did not become slaughter!.
Another time, i trie to buy a car. old no battery Toyota K70 but engine good. I can start and go. So i pay 30,000 and go home to collect batery and mechanic. tomorow morning, i go to collect the car with mechanic. We find the man who sell to me the car holding his shin at their big house.
He say ' Wanjohi, ngari yaku ndirakiiruo Gear box na magulu ma bele ni kimwana giakwa kiria kinene hwai utuku. Ona mbeca iria urarihire nikiraiyire ciothe. Kieigirire umalamali. no fangi na njohi kinyuaga ' tranlated in english, 'Wanjohi, your car was stolen Gear box and flont legs by my biggest baby. He even steal your money. He is only drink beer and fangi.'
I tell him, noo no no. You pay for gear box and legs. i buy full car from you. He tells me, you say that, he steal your money also. i afraid i loose all, so i call breakdolwn to carry the car to garage without gear box and legs. He refuse but i tell him i call the police. He fear and say 'ok. hathala na faida shituaranaga hamwe'. in english, it says, profit and loss walk same same.
People of earth are of many types. If i was bad, i would have produced war at his house. More things, school is not all things. If i did not become teacher, i become beter things!
Thank you.
I Have A Man Who Tell Me Boring Stories
All morning from monday to sataday i give him lift to town and when i listening to inooro, kameme and Coro (i keep changing to hear where to call, have programed buton 1 for Inooro, 2 for Coro and 3 for Kameme. the other dont care but classic is 4 and 5 is citizen) and calling direct lines, the man start tell me stories all boring and kill good mood.
His stories has no finish, and when he see me no listen, he say 'wanjohi wa kigogoine, you should be there to see yourself' or more boring ending. he is poor in story teller and has no full details of stories he gives me. The wrong thing is he ruins my chance of caling direct line to stations with Mbugua wa stage market. I dislike it but is good friend and everyday he waits in the junction near road on morning when i leave house. So it is must i carry him and endure his stories. help me to help him.
(I have seen that Japan has Earthquake and sunami. I go to Japan one time and i hear all the tall building are on water. If u were importing a car, it will come late because of earthquick.)
God bless you.
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