Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
When Going Out of Town Is Not Ultimate Guarantee to Climb
Some few month ago, i advised you that if you want to get a guarantee lay, take your girl out of Nairobi instead of gambling in Nairobi. When i telled you that story, i forgot to tell you that there is nothing in this world that is 100% guarantee. I say that because when i telled you that story, I had forgotten another incidence where we took persons out out of Nairobi but it did not come as i wanted. I blame it on Theuri that talk talk until we talk things we were not supposed to talk until it backfired.
http://www.wanjohidaily.com/2011/06/21/when-going-out-of-town-is-not-ultimate-guarantee-to-climb/
http://www.wanjohidaily.com/2011/06/21/when-going-out-of-town-is-not-ultimate-guarantee-to-climb/
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Utahama Lini?
http://wanjohidaily.com From Tomorrow, Wanjohi wa Kigogoine has shifted to>>>
wanjohidaily.com
I will post all new posts at that address. I shall also be posting guests posts from Tomorrow too so that you can as well experience the other Wanjohis too.
Your suggestions are also welcome. The site is still on test more *wink *wink*
wanjohidaily.com
I will post all new posts at that address. I shall also be posting guests posts from Tomorrow too so that you can as well experience the other Wanjohis too.
Your suggestions are also welcome. The site is still on test more *wink *wink*
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Kigali and The Rwandese: Pt 1
In all the East Africa community countries, there is one country that has many beautiful persons of out than the others combined. That country is called Rwanda. I have been there and i have many stories but today, i will not tell you muclimbano stories much, will tell you the business angle of it. I know this might put some of you off if i no tell muclimbano, but to be able to follow and enjoy the other stories i will tell of Rwanda, you must read this. I will tell you many Rwandese muclimbano in later many more episodes to follow this.
Rwanda is a country where it is illegal to say Tutsi and Hutu. Those two words lands you in jail for 8 years non stop. Since i have been there and this is not Rwanda, i will tell you small about them. All Tutsi girls are tall, slender and big buttocks and beautiful. I wont say about Hutu because i dont want to be summoned by Mzalendo Kibunja but all their girls shave box. The rest might be abit personal, so i wont say now. In Rwanda, when i speak English, they would think i am nigger who has just landed from America or Europe. If you speak good swahili, they wunt understand. You must make it bad so that they hear your swahili. Their swahili is same same as of Congolese.
One day, me and Theuri hear that people are making millions selling stuff in Rwanda. Whenever we hear where people are making money, we like to put our ear and see if we can make it too. When we hear it well well and because we have been bitten before, we must confirm first hand. All the stories we heard appeared too good to be true because they tell us you can sell anything in Rwanda and make a minimum of 100%. Whenever i hear that, it leave more questions because everybody would be rich then.
We cased to go life life and see for ourselfs. It costs less than 3k by road. We took 50k each as "research allowance" and climbed Kampala coach to Kigali. In the bus, we meet many Kenyans going there but they dont tell us what they sell there and how to clear goods backdoor at their border called Katuna. We know if you want to fish info, you dont ask like that, you feed somebody with beer until he/she opens up. One lady, not forte fae and not twendy fae sat next to Theuri. Although she did not speak to us until we reached Kampala, we knew she will help us one way or another. (A story for another day)
When we reached there, that lady showed us where to sleep, just some few meters from where Kampala couch bus is. We did not talk much that day to her. I tell Theuri to shut his mouth, atleast for once. In that guest house, most Kenyan who have manners sleep there.
Kigali isnt big as such. It is smaller than Thika by small although population of Thika is two times bigger than Kigali. When evening reached, we asked for the best place to clean the dust in out throats. We were told there is one famous bar called Carwash that is owned by a Kenyan called a Mr. Wahome. We went there and meet many Kenyans and drinked a their 'tusker' equivalent called Plimus. Primus is packet in one little bottle so, when you drink three, it is like taking a whole crate of Tusker. Tusker is also sold there, but in a price that Theuri and myself refuse to buy. We cant drink beer that is sold at 160 when there is a cheaper alternative of the same brand or equivalent.
Primus is a special beer. Once you take two, your tree must start and you cant pour ofyo ofyo. When our tree standed, we did not see any climbable people of out there. All those there had people with them and since Kigali is not Nairobi, i telled Theuri not to try and steal somebody of owner. I called one waiter, a Kenyan and telled him our wish. He warned us that we can be stolen by those girls but if we wanted to continue, there was a nice place where they were in plenty. We told him we have travelled all over the world, including Nigeria where almost everybody want to 'collect' your money but we survive. He directed us to a club in uptown where we can get many persons of out and of trap.
The name of the club was The KBC. I cant remember what those initials stand for but that is, for sure, the Westlands of Kigali. The night life there goes until tomorrow morning. There, we were spoilt of choice. Peoples of out, trappers are plenty and when they hear we are Kenyans, they see money. When the dj play song of Nonini, 'niko gauge, niko maji niko ...." i sing along and call one girl and tell her that man once used to live in my servant quarter. I even remove my phone and tell them to take Nameless's number and talk to him tomorrow. I tell them we drink with them everyday, including Wahu, Nyota, and many more that they hear their songs. Although they hear Swahili small small and english none, they thoroughly entertained us because they dont even refuse to be touched touched like Nairobi girls. That, however, does not come free though because before a girl gives you her ear, a Primus (though small one now) must be on table. Sophisticated ones take Heineken which is 2 times expensive than Primus.
Theuri telled them we work with UN and were there on holiday and were also interested in doing business in Rwanda. When they see for real we have money that is not ending, we get the best from the group and agree to climbana. We take taxi and when we reach guest house, the reception stopped us. She telled us that in that Guest house, you cannot bring a person of out unless you came with them from Nairobi. We tried to beg and beg but they say no lady will enter there. We got angry and asked why they did not tell us before that they dont accept trappers or any other lady. One lady, in poor swahili telled us that she see we looked like respected people, not people that can come with trappers at night. She even telled us that in that gueste, you cannot come after 11.
We thoughted of going to another room that night to climb those people but we then said, the holes will always be there. Everyday, there are peoples of out turning 18, so why rush. Tomorrow, we go to another room where you can even bring 10 persons. But in those room, they put niron sheet on top of the matress because a Rwandese girl must urinate when getting climbed, even if you tell them like what you tell Ugandans, me i dont want water.
Tomorow, we embark on research on what we can export there in big quantity. We meet one Kenyan man that even today when i remember him even at night, i laugh loudly. He telled us he has pinched his ear and will never return to Rwanda again. The man owned a two Matatus, although Wanguras plying Kangemi route. After he see matatu is not coming anthing, he was told by a person that if he export Human weaves and hairs to Rwanda, he can make 100% profit.
He went to his bank running and withdraw 250k. Still running so that stock of weaves does not finish, he went to Best lady in Rifa rodi, bought weaves and hairs worth 250k and took to the next available bus to Kigali. When he reach there, they look at those weaves and tell him he bring bad quality of poor people. They tell him that Rwandeese like to be stylish and it will be hard to sell them there. They convicend him to sell to them at the same price he had boughted in Nairobi. Although he has paid duty for them, he agreed. Again, they tell him they must be given a two weeks credit. He supplied almost all of them but after two weeks, when he go to collect money, they say to him "hakuna mafranka. chukua hatujaweza kununua"All shops tell him that and he is left with the original stock he came with 2 weeks earlier.
That way, he was forced to hawk one by one. The small quantity he sells, he pay guest house, food, beer and people of trap because of frustrations. I looked at the man that his tout and driver call "mbuyu" is now doing something he would have never dreamnt. He had been there for a month now and had only sold 30%. When we lest, one week later, he had sold an additional 5 %. When i remember how he tell us, i still laugh today until i cry. Later, we met with him in Nairobi and when we mention Kigali, he say "please, ndeto icio ikinye hau " (Let those words reach there).
Rwanda is a good country of eating happiness but for business, its not easy oh. Unless you go big time and in contruction, the rest, you will talk to yourself. The main reason is because, life is too expensive. All town, no backstreet of eating food. Even backstreet food joint, they sell food on buffet. Again, guest houses are another issue, too expensive. But this is not a damper, there are people that still make it big there, but you must stay there to make money, but those busines i like, of supply on large quantity is a no. Also, small scalers can also make it, and if you can teach English, there are so many kenyans with backstreet english classes. Thats why i like Kenyans.
If you see a country that has no single Nigerian, and only 200 Indians, do u think that country is joke? In Kigali, if you fight in a bar, you get jailed a minimum of 3 years. The minimum sentence you can get if you sin even by small sin is 3 years.
The other country i will tell you about is S. Sudan's Juba. Business might be good depending on what you want to do. If you are in big league and things are elephant here, i dont know what you are waiting for. But you must be prepared to sleep in some funny places that you cant think of in Nairobi. Another big thing there is trapping business. Sorry to say this but.... i dont know if this is true but i heard that if your girl is there.. lemmi stop this.
Anyway, trapping business is good in Sudan. But to die of gunshot from the Army is higer than your chances of eating supper. In sudan, i hear everybody is Army and they are jailed for 2 days if they kill you. But people of tap have their own problems too with the locals, who all claim to be army. When they come for muclimbano, the people of trap ask for $50/joti. They have no problem in paying the $50 and when tomorrow comes, they come again. The army eat person and when they ask for payment, they say they paid yesterday. And tomorrow of tomorrow and tomorrow of that day, they will still come and climb for the initial pay they asked. So, to the army, its a one time fee. Once they pay, it is that and if you refuse to be climbed, a bullet from AK 47 passes through your head that very second. So i hear when people of trap see new army person, they either refuse or ask for alot, like $200 and they will pay because they will never pay again.
Tomorrow, i will tell you my experience with a very very flying person of out in Kigali that could not HEAR or SPEAK swahili or English, she only speak Kinyarwanda. Even french, because i hear small, nothing. She could not hear even one word in Swahili or English. I ate but there is nothing as difficult borrowing like that. Rwanda stories and Sudan are so many, i dont even know where to start.
(If you want to sample their english, follow this link >>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOMOoTmf-ck
or
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Rwanda is a country where it is illegal to say Tutsi and Hutu. Those two words lands you in jail for 8 years non stop. Since i have been there and this is not Rwanda, i will tell you small about them. All Tutsi girls are tall, slender and big buttocks and beautiful. I wont say about Hutu because i dont want to be summoned by Mzalendo Kibunja but all their girls shave box. The rest might be abit personal, so i wont say now. In Rwanda, when i speak English, they would think i am nigger who has just landed from America or Europe. If you speak good swahili, they wunt understand. You must make it bad so that they hear your swahili. Their swahili is same same as of Congolese.
One day, me and Theuri hear that people are making millions selling stuff in Rwanda. Whenever we hear where people are making money, we like to put our ear and see if we can make it too. When we hear it well well and because we have been bitten before, we must confirm first hand. All the stories we heard appeared too good to be true because they tell us you can sell anything in Rwanda and make a minimum of 100%. Whenever i hear that, it leave more questions because everybody would be rich then.
We cased to go life life and see for ourselfs. It costs less than 3k by road. We took 50k each as "research allowance" and climbed Kampala coach to Kigali. In the bus, we meet many Kenyans going there but they dont tell us what they sell there and how to clear goods backdoor at their border called Katuna. We know if you want to fish info, you dont ask like that, you feed somebody with beer until he/she opens up. One lady, not forte fae and not twendy fae sat next to Theuri. Although she did not speak to us until we reached Kampala, we knew she will help us one way or another. (A story for another day)
When we reached there, that lady showed us where to sleep, just some few meters from where Kampala couch bus is. We did not talk much that day to her. I tell Theuri to shut his mouth, atleast for once. In that guest house, most Kenyan who have manners sleep there.
Kigali isnt big as such. It is smaller than Thika by small although population of Thika is two times bigger than Kigali. When evening reached, we asked for the best place to clean the dust in out throats. We were told there is one famous bar called Carwash that is owned by a Kenyan called a Mr. Wahome. We went there and meet many Kenyans and drinked a their 'tusker' equivalent called Plimus. Primus is packet in one little bottle so, when you drink three, it is like taking a whole crate of Tusker. Tusker is also sold there, but in a price that Theuri and myself refuse to buy. We cant drink beer that is sold at 160 when there is a cheaper alternative of the same brand or equivalent.
Primus is a special beer. Once you take two, your tree must start and you cant pour ofyo ofyo. When our tree standed, we did not see any climbable people of out there. All those there had people with them and since Kigali is not Nairobi, i telled Theuri not to try and steal somebody of owner. I called one waiter, a Kenyan and telled him our wish. He warned us that we can be stolen by those girls but if we wanted to continue, there was a nice place where they were in plenty. We told him we have travelled all over the world, including Nigeria where almost everybody want to 'collect' your money but we survive. He directed us to a club in uptown where we can get many persons of out and of trap.
The name of the club was The KBC. I cant remember what those initials stand for but that is, for sure, the Westlands of Kigali. The night life there goes until tomorrow morning. There, we were spoilt of choice. Peoples of out, trappers are plenty and when they hear we are Kenyans, they see money. When the dj play song of Nonini, 'niko gauge, niko maji niko ...." i sing along and call one girl and tell her that man once used to live in my servant quarter. I even remove my phone and tell them to take Nameless's number and talk to him tomorrow. I tell them we drink with them everyday, including Wahu, Nyota, and many more that they hear their songs. Although they hear Swahili small small and english none, they thoroughly entertained us because they dont even refuse to be touched touched like Nairobi girls. That, however, does not come free though because before a girl gives you her ear, a Primus (though small one now) must be on table. Sophisticated ones take Heineken which is 2 times expensive than Primus.
Theuri telled them we work with UN and were there on holiday and were also interested in doing business in Rwanda. When they see for real we have money that is not ending, we get the best from the group and agree to climbana. We take taxi and when we reach guest house, the reception stopped us. She telled us that in that Guest house, you cannot bring a person of out unless you came with them from Nairobi. We tried to beg and beg but they say no lady will enter there. We got angry and asked why they did not tell us before that they dont accept trappers or any other lady. One lady, in poor swahili telled us that she see we looked like respected people, not people that can come with trappers at night. She even telled us that in that gueste, you cannot come after 11.
We thoughted of going to another room that night to climb those people but we then said, the holes will always be there. Everyday, there are peoples of out turning 18, so why rush. Tomorrow, we go to another room where you can even bring 10 persons. But in those room, they put niron sheet on top of the matress because a Rwandese girl must urinate when getting climbed, even if you tell them like what you tell Ugandans, me i dont want water.
Tomorow, we embark on research on what we can export there in big quantity. We meet one Kenyan man that even today when i remember him even at night, i laugh loudly. He telled us he has pinched his ear and will never return to Rwanda again. The man owned a two Matatus, although Wanguras plying Kangemi route. After he see matatu is not coming anthing, he was told by a person that if he export Human weaves and hairs to Rwanda, he can make 100% profit.
He went to his bank running and withdraw 250k. Still running so that stock of weaves does not finish, he went to Best lady in Rifa rodi, bought weaves and hairs worth 250k and took to the next available bus to Kigali. When he reach there, they look at those weaves and tell him he bring bad quality of poor people. They tell him that Rwandeese like to be stylish and it will be hard to sell them there. They convicend him to sell to them at the same price he had boughted in Nairobi. Although he has paid duty for them, he agreed. Again, they tell him they must be given a two weeks credit. He supplied almost all of them but after two weeks, when he go to collect money, they say to him "hakuna mafranka. chukua hatujaweza kununua"All shops tell him that and he is left with the original stock he came with 2 weeks earlier.
That way, he was forced to hawk one by one. The small quantity he sells, he pay guest house, food, beer and people of trap because of frustrations. I looked at the man that his tout and driver call "mbuyu" is now doing something he would have never dreamnt. He had been there for a month now and had only sold 30%. When we lest, one week later, he had sold an additional 5 %. When i remember how he tell us, i still laugh today until i cry. Later, we met with him in Nairobi and when we mention Kigali, he say "please, ndeto icio ikinye hau " (Let those words reach there).
Rwanda is a good country of eating happiness but for business, its not easy oh. Unless you go big time and in contruction, the rest, you will talk to yourself. The main reason is because, life is too expensive. All town, no backstreet of eating food. Even backstreet food joint, they sell food on buffet. Again, guest houses are another issue, too expensive. But this is not a damper, there are people that still make it big there, but you must stay there to make money, but those busines i like, of supply on large quantity is a no. Also, small scalers can also make it, and if you can teach English, there are so many kenyans with backstreet english classes. Thats why i like Kenyans.
If you see a country that has no single Nigerian, and only 200 Indians, do u think that country is joke? In Kigali, if you fight in a bar, you get jailed a minimum of 3 years. The minimum sentence you can get if you sin even by small sin is 3 years.
The other country i will tell you about is S. Sudan's Juba. Business might be good depending on what you want to do. If you are in big league and things are elephant here, i dont know what you are waiting for. But you must be prepared to sleep in some funny places that you cant think of in Nairobi. Another big thing there is trapping business. Sorry to say this but.... i dont know if this is true but i heard that if your girl is there.. lemmi stop this.
Anyway, trapping business is good in Sudan. But to die of gunshot from the Army is higer than your chances of eating supper. In sudan, i hear everybody is Army and they are jailed for 2 days if they kill you. But people of tap have their own problems too with the locals, who all claim to be army. When they come for muclimbano, the people of trap ask for $50/joti. They have no problem in paying the $50 and when tomorrow comes, they come again. The army eat person and when they ask for payment, they say they paid yesterday. And tomorrow of tomorrow and tomorrow of that day, they will still come and climb for the initial pay they asked. So, to the army, its a one time fee. Once they pay, it is that and if you refuse to be climbed, a bullet from AK 47 passes through your head that very second. So i hear when people of trap see new army person, they either refuse or ask for alot, like $200 and they will pay because they will never pay again.
Tomorrow, i will tell you my experience with a very very flying person of out in Kigali that could not HEAR or SPEAK swahili or English, she only speak Kinyarwanda. Even french, because i hear small, nothing. She could not hear even one word in Swahili or English. I ate but there is nothing as difficult borrowing like that. Rwanda stories and Sudan are so many, i dont even know where to start.
(If you want to sample their english, follow this link >>
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOMOoTmf-ck
or
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
My Experience With a Forty Fae Year Old
I dont want to overfeed you with the stories of old car and Taxi but i feel i should tell you small about a story of a forty fae person of out. Even today, i feel like it can only happen in a movie. Although i removed there like a muthika ucuwe (burier of his grandmother), i think it is worth telling, although i will not tell full length. If i tell you full length, it will take until tomorrow to finish.
I know you have no idea who eats those fine 'single' women you see around. When i say women, i dont mean twendi something year olds. I mean women that have arrived and are so loaded that you cannot imagine them getting climbed by ordinary people. The people that climb them are not akina Maina Kageni and other fly dudes with fame and money, it is ordinary people like Wanjohi wa Kigogoine and the guys that do them pedicure and manicure in salons. When i have excess money, sometimes i visit salons, although in rifa rodi and get my nails done. When i see those young men doing them nails, especially nails of legs and those women are wearing miniskirt, i envy them alot, especially the way they do it so close to them. I envy them because i know that there is a 90% chance of them climbing that somebody, no matter the status of the person of out. My grandpa once told me that all women are same and that women have no riika (agemates). If you have a boss that is person of out and you have, in your wildest imagination, thoughted of one day climbing her, do not wait until you get that promotion or get another job. The day is today. Approach her with confidence, there is 90% chance that you will eat her happily. But if you are rubbed work, do not say i told you.
One day, i was driving along Murang'a road and there was a small jam. That was a few months after i falled a deal and i had stopped doing taxi business, i was playing big league, although small small. But once a taxi driver or Matatu driver, you remain one forever. As i drove, as i was used to, I overlapped dangerously and when i see space to enter, i forced the car to enter by force. One motorist did not give me way, she only show me middle finger salute when i force my car to enter. Having been used to that, i squeezed by force and the motorist that show me middle finger salute hit my car on back with its Toyota Prado's bullbar. It was hit so bad until the bumper removed and falled down and one corner light died. I removed from car to inspect the damage. When i see which car hit mine, i telled myself that i was in for big cash. The car had two people of out. The one that was carried removed from car and came shouting" Unaendesha gari aje wewe ni kama barabara ni yako. Uko na haraka ya kwenda wapi?"
I did not answer but continued to inspect for more damages. If you argue with these kind of people, you loose. I looked at them and telled them they are the one that hit me from behind. We cased and cased until she admitted that the sin was hers. She asked me how much is damage worth and i quoted 10k. She went back to the car and came back with 10k, all new notes. She then gave me her business card and telled me incase it goes excess, i call her for more cash.
I went to Grogon area immediately and got my car repaired all damages. For light, instead of buying new one, my mechanic sealed the cracked spaces with glue until it looked like it was new. All works costed me 4 thousand. But since i was a former muhari wa rua (scratcher of hide-skin), i thought i still could milk more from the person of prado. That is how i had learned in taxi business. I called her and telled her that the bill exceeded by 5k. She first said "hee mundu uyu nawe. Kai yahurwo rangi body yothe?" (Has it been painted all body?). I convinced her that the corner light that was too expensive and many stories until she telled me to meet her in the evening at Parklands sports club to pick the 5k. Those days, Mpesa was a foreign term.
When evening arrived, i called her and telled her i am on my way to Parklands. She telled me she did not go there but was at City Cabanas instead. I drove all the way to Cabanas and i meet her with three more women and one young man. She asked me to sit and have one drink. I have never been known to refuse beer even if it is from women, as long as i dont return hand if it is in expensive place. I beat water slowly because i was not used to beat expensive water. At first, i did not listen to their stories because i was trying to budget the free cash i had made that day just from nothing but after i see water is not drying, i joined them in beating stories.
They were speaking English all through and i dont like entering conversation that i have to speak English or sheng. I have alot of respect for my mother tongue but my English also improves when i take frothy water, so i had no many problems interjecting. The more i dranked, the more i entered in their conversation in better English.
I had gone to Shaina for the first time some few months before, so i tell them many of stories about Hongkong and Guanzou so that they see i am not also cockroach like the young man they were with there. Although they dont listen to all of them, they continue to buy water and buy water. I feel like throwing a round back but when i see the price of beer there, my testicles freeze and stop.
As we beat stories, i see the person lift her skirt up small and scratch her shinny thighs and after finishing, she did not return skirt down down. I tried to look on other side so that i stop seeing the thighs of elephant but the more i look other side, the more i look back until my tree start to stand. Although i know there was a 0% chance of eating, i knew they were important to look so that when I'm climbing somebody else and it refuse to stand well, i will think of those thighs and tree will be pap.
When she look at me with vagina of her eye, she see i am looking at her thighs. She turned to me and say to me in greek "warora muno no maitho ukura" (If you look too much, you will lost your eyes). I laugh and say "ngai ma kafa more biu" In my mind, i tell myself that there is a man that eats those things and maybe does not appreciate. I then jokingly telled her "muthee waku niaugaga nithengio arikia kana ashukaga ta maithikiri?" (Does your man say thank you after climbing or just alight like bicycle?). She just laugh and say "Muthee nikuga uru" (Muthee is to say bad)
From there, i see they like muclimbano stories and in greed now. They also talk explicitly and that made me feel at home. I start praising myself how i am a pro in climbing and how i close all holes.
"Uthie wire muthee uu. Aingerie rurimi gutu ini kumwe, kara kawe kahinge irima ria itish, muti ndukiri thiini thaa icio. Kara kau kangi aikie gutu guku kungi. Irima riria ritakuhingwo no kanua niundu kau niga kuga mbu. Ambia guikia small small kara kau ke itish akaingiria small small, na rurimi no ruraingia karimaini ka gutu. Waga kuga mbu ujite Ng'ang'a" (Go tell your hubby like this. He put his tongue in one of your ears, then one finger close the anal hole, that time, the tree is inside your hole. Let him use the other finger to close the other ear, the only hole not to be closed is mouth to sa mbu because it is must. As he start to pump, let him insert finger small small in the anal hole and also, the tongue to enter enter the hole of ear. If you do not say mbu, come and call me Ng'ang'a.)
One of them looked at me and said "mmh. Arume aya aitu. Makuona thaa cia gutuhinga marima ri na thaa cia njohi na tuiretu tua cukuru. Arume othe matire hakiri" (mmm. This our men? When will they ever find time to close all holes and time for beer and small girls. All ladies have no brains)
It is then that i telled them why men cheat on them "angikorwo wathie toro wikiraga gi tishati kia omo ri, na mugutho ugikoma. Arafu ringi huyo cihumbirite tiita, akwaga guetha ka yello yello nikii? (If when you go to sleep you put on t-shirt written Omo, then u put trouser when sleeping, and you dont shave until it hides all hole, why wunt he look for yellow yellow. They laughed and laughed until she telled me she want me to climb her one day.
Tomorrow of that day, we do to drink at Maxland, all same group. After we beat water, she telled me to follow her until Ngong hill hotel. All along, i was thinking it was a joke. I just thought they were being friendly, because i was used to that. She reached there before me because her car could run faster than mine. She went and booked a room there. When i reached there, she telled me to come to room no. (deleted).
When i reached entered the room, i found her already with towel tied on her waist. We entered bathroom and as we washed ourselves, she reminded me that i must close all her holes. Although she was forty fae, she did not have the weight and figure of a 45. Money is good, let me tell you. She had taken good care of herself quite well. I wiped her well and told her it is good if she clean shaved. She telled me tomorrow, she will buy cream and i am the one to shave her. I lifted her up until bed. I then made her lie facing up. I sucked all her major brookside small small so that if they have milk, i stop sucking. When i felt they had no milk, i sucked and sucked then slowly, moved down until tiita. Although she was forte fae, her hole looked 22, like it had not been climbed many times. The only bad thing was that she had not shaved well. I sucked all places, tiita i pull with my tongue. All this long, she just sighs and sighs. To shorten the long story, i ramnyad somebody two jotis. This time, because i was drunked, i did not struggle to get two jotis for her.
Because i feel very good and i did not incur any expenses when climbing somebody, tomorrow of that day, i called her and reminded her that i was to shave her. She came and we went to the same place. I removed all her clothes because she say she enjoy when a man removes her clothes, then embarked on the sweet journey of shaving her. As i shave, i occasionally bite tiita, making her say small mbus. I ramnyad again and we parted. What i was not aware was that i was getting into kind of prison. Everyday, she call me and want josto. Then, everytime, she want to know where i am. Sometimes, just to confirm, she would come, even if its where or what time to make sure that i am not with another person of out. I was getting very tired of this but i had to stay because she telled me she wanted us to import stuff together because telled her i know shaina like i know Rifa rodi. For two months or so, she kept postponing the deal because she say she want us to bring containers of 20 million but she had 10 million in cash that time. But her idea was not business, she was already in good business but could not resist this rugged tree with contours and stand zig zag and i beat her proper because i want to benefit from her wealth too.
All that happened in a spat of 2 or three months but to me, it looked like twendy years. One day, she call me to her house because she tell me her hairs have grown again and she want me to shave her. I wunt tell you where she lived, but it was not in Dadora. When i entered her house, although she opens when she was naked, the first thing that i noticed was a big picture hanged on the wall. The picture was of a huge man in Army uniform. There there, my testicles froze. I did not know that i had been climbing a person of army. And not just army, a senior and big army man. I almost froze until she telled me the husband is in long distance and only come on weekends. Her kids were also on boarding and the housegirl had been sent away that day.
As usual, i closed all holes and sucked tiita. But inside me, i knew that that was like doing a funny stunt and it was time to stop. That night, i get nightmares of me being shased by the huge army man with a M16. Tomorrow of that day, i beat the story to Theuri and he telled me to stop other peoples wifes. That evening as we beat water with Theuri at Njugunas, I see her enter with a huge man. From the face, i could recognize it is the man that i saw hanged on the wall. I remembered the nightmare i had the night before. I wanted to run away until i asked myself why i run, I should die like a man. They go and seat three or four tables away. She did not see me at first but when she see me, she pretend like she has never seen me. Women can act. From that day, i only beat her tree three times and stopped completely because i did not want to become a gigolo. But if you want to be one, they are plenty in town. Never fear any person of out, no matter their influence or the amount of money they have. My granpa told me so.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
I know you have no idea who eats those fine 'single' women you see around. When i say women, i dont mean twendi something year olds. I mean women that have arrived and are so loaded that you cannot imagine them getting climbed by ordinary people. The people that climb them are not akina Maina Kageni and other fly dudes with fame and money, it is ordinary people like Wanjohi wa Kigogoine and the guys that do them pedicure and manicure in salons. When i have excess money, sometimes i visit salons, although in rifa rodi and get my nails done. When i see those young men doing them nails, especially nails of legs and those women are wearing miniskirt, i envy them alot, especially the way they do it so close to them. I envy them because i know that there is a 90% chance of them climbing that somebody, no matter the status of the person of out. My grandpa once told me that all women are same and that women have no riika (agemates). If you have a boss that is person of out and you have, in your wildest imagination, thoughted of one day climbing her, do not wait until you get that promotion or get another job. The day is today. Approach her with confidence, there is 90% chance that you will eat her happily. But if you are rubbed work, do not say i told you.
One day, i was driving along Murang'a road and there was a small jam. That was a few months after i falled a deal and i had stopped doing taxi business, i was playing big league, although small small. But once a taxi driver or Matatu driver, you remain one forever. As i drove, as i was used to, I overlapped dangerously and when i see space to enter, i forced the car to enter by force. One motorist did not give me way, she only show me middle finger salute when i force my car to enter. Having been used to that, i squeezed by force and the motorist that show me middle finger salute hit my car on back with its Toyota Prado's bullbar. It was hit so bad until the bumper removed and falled down and one corner light died. I removed from car to inspect the damage. When i see which car hit mine, i telled myself that i was in for big cash. The car had two people of out. The one that was carried removed from car and came shouting" Unaendesha gari aje wewe ni kama barabara ni yako. Uko na haraka ya kwenda wapi?"
I did not answer but continued to inspect for more damages. If you argue with these kind of people, you loose. I looked at them and telled them they are the one that hit me from behind. We cased and cased until she admitted that the sin was hers. She asked me how much is damage worth and i quoted 10k. She went back to the car and came back with 10k, all new notes. She then gave me her business card and telled me incase it goes excess, i call her for more cash.
I went to Grogon area immediately and got my car repaired all damages. For light, instead of buying new one, my mechanic sealed the cracked spaces with glue until it looked like it was new. All works costed me 4 thousand. But since i was a former muhari wa rua (scratcher of hide-skin), i thought i still could milk more from the person of prado. That is how i had learned in taxi business. I called her and telled her that the bill exceeded by 5k. She first said "hee mundu uyu nawe. Kai yahurwo rangi body yothe?" (Has it been painted all body?). I convinced her that the corner light that was too expensive and many stories until she telled me to meet her in the evening at Parklands sports club to pick the 5k. Those days, Mpesa was a foreign term.
When evening arrived, i called her and telled her i am on my way to Parklands. She telled me she did not go there but was at City Cabanas instead. I drove all the way to Cabanas and i meet her with three more women and one young man. She asked me to sit and have one drink. I have never been known to refuse beer even if it is from women, as long as i dont return hand if it is in expensive place. I beat water slowly because i was not used to beat expensive water. At first, i did not listen to their stories because i was trying to budget the free cash i had made that day just from nothing but after i see water is not drying, i joined them in beating stories.
They were speaking English all through and i dont like entering conversation that i have to speak English or sheng. I have alot of respect for my mother tongue but my English also improves when i take frothy water, so i had no many problems interjecting. The more i dranked, the more i entered in their conversation in better English.
I had gone to Shaina for the first time some few months before, so i tell them many of stories about Hongkong and Guanzou so that they see i am not also cockroach like the young man they were with there. Although they dont listen to all of them, they continue to buy water and buy water. I feel like throwing a round back but when i see the price of beer there, my testicles freeze and stop.
As we beat stories, i see the person lift her skirt up small and scratch her shinny thighs and after finishing, she did not return skirt down down. I tried to look on other side so that i stop seeing the thighs of elephant but the more i look other side, the more i look back until my tree start to stand. Although i know there was a 0% chance of eating, i knew they were important to look so that when I'm climbing somebody else and it refuse to stand well, i will think of those thighs and tree will be pap.
When she look at me with vagina of her eye, she see i am looking at her thighs. She turned to me and say to me in greek "warora muno no maitho ukura" (If you look too much, you will lost your eyes). I laugh and say "ngai ma kafa more biu" In my mind, i tell myself that there is a man that eats those things and maybe does not appreciate. I then jokingly telled her "muthee waku niaugaga nithengio arikia kana ashukaga ta maithikiri?" (Does your man say thank you after climbing or just alight like bicycle?). She just laugh and say "Muthee nikuga uru" (Muthee is to say bad)
From there, i see they like muclimbano stories and in greed now. They also talk explicitly and that made me feel at home. I start praising myself how i am a pro in climbing and how i close all holes.
"Uthie wire muthee uu. Aingerie rurimi gutu ini kumwe, kara kawe kahinge irima ria itish, muti ndukiri thiini thaa icio. Kara kau kangi aikie gutu guku kungi. Irima riria ritakuhingwo no kanua niundu kau niga kuga mbu. Ambia guikia small small kara kau ke itish akaingiria small small, na rurimi no ruraingia karimaini ka gutu. Waga kuga mbu ujite Ng'ang'a" (Go tell your hubby like this. He put his tongue in one of your ears, then one finger close the anal hole, that time, the tree is inside your hole. Let him use the other finger to close the other ear, the only hole not to be closed is mouth to sa mbu because it is must. As he start to pump, let him insert finger small small in the anal hole and also, the tongue to enter enter the hole of ear. If you do not say mbu, come and call me Ng'ang'a.)
One of them looked at me and said "mmh. Arume aya aitu. Makuona thaa cia gutuhinga marima ri na thaa cia njohi na tuiretu tua cukuru. Arume othe matire hakiri" (mmm. This our men? When will they ever find time to close all holes and time for beer and small girls. All ladies have no brains)
It is then that i telled them why men cheat on them "angikorwo wathie toro wikiraga gi tishati kia omo ri, na mugutho ugikoma. Arafu ringi huyo cihumbirite tiita, akwaga guetha ka yello yello nikii? (If when you go to sleep you put on t-shirt written Omo, then u put trouser when sleeping, and you dont shave until it hides all hole, why wunt he look for yellow yellow. They laughed and laughed until she telled me she want me to climb her one day.
Tomorrow of that day, we do to drink at Maxland, all same group. After we beat water, she telled me to follow her until Ngong hill hotel. All along, i was thinking it was a joke. I just thought they were being friendly, because i was used to that. She reached there before me because her car could run faster than mine. She went and booked a room there. When i reached there, she telled me to come to room no. (deleted).
When i reached entered the room, i found her already with towel tied on her waist. We entered bathroom and as we washed ourselves, she reminded me that i must close all her holes. Although she was forty fae, she did not have the weight and figure of a 45. Money is good, let me tell you. She had taken good care of herself quite well. I wiped her well and told her it is good if she clean shaved. She telled me tomorrow, she will buy cream and i am the one to shave her. I lifted her up until bed. I then made her lie facing up. I sucked all her major brookside small small so that if they have milk, i stop sucking. When i felt they had no milk, i sucked and sucked then slowly, moved down until tiita. Although she was forte fae, her hole looked 22, like it had not been climbed many times. The only bad thing was that she had not shaved well. I sucked all places, tiita i pull with my tongue. All this long, she just sighs and sighs. To shorten the long story, i ramnyad somebody two jotis. This time, because i was drunked, i did not struggle to get two jotis for her.
Because i feel very good and i did not incur any expenses when climbing somebody, tomorrow of that day, i called her and reminded her that i was to shave her. She came and we went to the same place. I removed all her clothes because she say she enjoy when a man removes her clothes, then embarked on the sweet journey of shaving her. As i shave, i occasionally bite tiita, making her say small mbus. I ramnyad again and we parted. What i was not aware was that i was getting into kind of prison. Everyday, she call me and want josto. Then, everytime, she want to know where i am. Sometimes, just to confirm, she would come, even if its where or what time to make sure that i am not with another person of out. I was getting very tired of this but i had to stay because she telled me she wanted us to import stuff together because telled her i know shaina like i know Rifa rodi. For two months or so, she kept postponing the deal because she say she want us to bring containers of 20 million but she had 10 million in cash that time. But her idea was not business, she was already in good business but could not resist this rugged tree with contours and stand zig zag and i beat her proper because i want to benefit from her wealth too.
All that happened in a spat of 2 or three months but to me, it looked like twendy years. One day, she call me to her house because she tell me her hairs have grown again and she want me to shave her. I wunt tell you where she lived, but it was not in Dadora. When i entered her house, although she opens when she was naked, the first thing that i noticed was a big picture hanged on the wall. The picture was of a huge man in Army uniform. There there, my testicles froze. I did not know that i had been climbing a person of army. And not just army, a senior and big army man. I almost froze until she telled me the husband is in long distance and only come on weekends. Her kids were also on boarding and the housegirl had been sent away that day.
As usual, i closed all holes and sucked tiita. But inside me, i knew that that was like doing a funny stunt and it was time to stop. That night, i get nightmares of me being shased by the huge army man with a M16. Tomorrow of that day, i beat the story to Theuri and he telled me to stop other peoples wifes. That evening as we beat water with Theuri at Njugunas, I see her enter with a huge man. From the face, i could recognize it is the man that i saw hanged on the wall. I remembered the nightmare i had the night before. I wanted to run away until i asked myself why i run, I should die like a man. They go and seat three or four tables away. She did not see me at first but when she see me, she pretend like she has never seen me. Women can act. From that day, i only beat her tree three times and stopped completely because i did not want to become a gigolo. But if you want to be one, they are plenty in town. Never fear any person of out, no matter their influence or the amount of money they have. My granpa told me so.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Friday, June 10, 2011
My Story with Traffic: The Fortune That Came With My Old Car Part 2
An old car is not too bad after all if we account my experience with that car i once owned. All was not lost even if the seller lied to me that it had only been driven by an old woman for the rest of its life until the old lady lost her eyes and could no longer drive it to church and funerals. But later, i came to know what they meant. They did not mean to mislead me, it is me who did not get what they meant. What they actually meant was that the owner had been turned into old age because of the many problem of that car. Again, he had been turned into a 'woman' because she was always shopping. Although not normal shopping that women do, the shopping this time was for spare parts every day because the car ask for spare part everyday. The car, because of its many problem could only go to church in the neighborhood and the other furthest distance it could go was Lang'ata cemetery because the previous owner used to live in Langata.
Because i inherited all problems of the car, one of its many problems was to refuse to enter gear and when it enter, it get stuck in some gears. One such time, i was along Argwings Kodhek road. For those who are not familiar with that route, it is road that take you to Yaya centre and if you go further, you go to Kawangware.
If you get stuck along Argwings Kodhek Rd, you cannot pack on side because it does not have. Just as i passed Yaya centre small, i see jam and had to slow down. As i tried to take it to lower gear, the gear refuse and stuck in gear no. 3. I braked at the jam and tried to remove the gear. That was something i was used to, all i had to do was to try and try. When jam opened, the gear was still stuck in no 3. I tried and tried and motorists behind me hooted and hooted until I had to one of them, gave him my keys and asked him to come and try move my car because i have been unable. He just looked at me and stopped hooting.
Looking back, i see jam has reached very far but i did not have otherwise. As i tried, i started calling my mechanic for tips. As i called, i see one traffic lady come looking me very bad. Just as she reached near my car, the gear agreed to remover and i quickly engaged gear no. 1 and started moving. Just as i wanted to move, she jumped infront of car and shouted "Wewe ni mjeuri namna gani, unaweka hii jam yote ndio uongee na simu?
Before i could answer, she opened door and hoped inside and asked me to go to Kilimani police station. I tried to tell her that the car had a mechanical problem to which she answered "Imepona wakati nimefika. Ebu leta licence. Nitakushtaki na obstruction and kuongea na simu."
I did not want to argue, so i drove towards a ka entrance so that we go to Kilimani. She look at me and say "Na nyinyi vijana si muko na madharao. Unaweka jam ndio uongee na simu? Ujinga ndio imejaa hiyo kichwa yako. Leo utajua sheria" I looked at her not knowing what to say. If only she knew how many problems i had because i even still owed my mechanic money for last nights repair..
Just as i was about to beat the corner, the gear jammed again. She saw how i struggle and after some few minutes, it removed. Because she had removed the cap i see she is cute with dimples and yellow yellow face. She did not look like the tough police that was hurling insults at me again. As we go, i tried to plead with her but where.
As we entered Kilimani police, i saw a driver of police who come from my village trying to park one of the police patrol cars. I waved and as he waved back. He was carrying the then Kilimani OCPD a Mr. Willy Lugusa. The OCPD thought i was waving at him. He waved back heatedly, smilling at me, although talking on phone. I did not know him, only used to see him on TV saying "My boys shot back killing them instantly".
After removing from car, the traffic lady asked "kwani mnajuana na mkubwa?" I looked at her and smiled then said "Lugusa ni rafiki yangu sana. Tunakunyuanga na yeye sana"
As we walked to the Traffic office with the lady, Lugusa had already alighted and was talking to other senior police. As i passed i went to them, greeted them and said to him " na mkubwa umenipotelea sana. Nitakutafuta jioni" He happily said he has been busy and we shall hook up later. One thing i knew in my mind was that this people never know who they are talking to or where you have met and so, they cannot ignore you. They see many people everyday and they cannot afford to disregard anyone as long as you are not asking for assistance from them.
When we go to the traffic office, she tell a fellow traffic, although man "Andikia uyu jamaa wa Lugusa bond aende kotini kesho kwa obstruction" The man looked at the lady traffic and said "Si msikizane na yeye kama ni mutu ya mkubwa?". I was now starting to behave like a real mtu ya mkubwa, so i started to play pyschological game.
I looked at the lady on her eyes and said "Sasa wewe, badala ya nikuambie vile utaonana na wakubwa, mkunywe pamoja, wewe unataka nikanyange mbao?"
She looked at me and said "hehe. Wacha kuniangalia ivo na izo macho zako. Leta elfu moja tuachie uyu jamaa twende tukiongea basi. Mini utaniachia chai ya soo ano"
I told her i dont have money with me but i will give her later when i withdraw at barclay's. When she saw i was adamant to remove money, she told me i drop her and the same where she had catched me from. When she enter, she tell me but i first pass at Barclays and withdraw her chai. I looked at my wallet and see 200 bob which i gave her.
Those days, women police put on skirt that reach until ground, so it was not easy to know whether she had big buttocks or not. Then, when they put those caps, they all look bad, so people have notion that all policewoman dont look good. But thgis one, despite the long skirt looked like something. As she left the car, i decided to throw one compliment so that next time she see me stuck on road, she will not insult me.
"Izo dimples si zinakutoa. Lakini, ubaya yake, siku ile utakuwa mzee na meno zote zingoke, hapo itakuwa shimo" i said to her. She looked at me and said "Ninatukanangwo mara mia moja kwa siku. Endelea tu. Ebu chukua number yangu uniitie mia nane yangu" I told her i will give her and buy her beer and food.
I dont know what touched me because on saturday evening, i called her line. From the way she answered, she had not saved my number. I reminded her that this is the friend of OCPD she has catched earlier in the week. She sounded excited and i told her i wanted to have a drink with her.
She asked from where and i told her Upperhill Springs. I knew to her, that would be ideal coz it was near her area. When she arrived, she meet me and Theuri. She did not look one cent her former self. She had firm boobs, big thuthas and very soft voice. We talked and talked, all normal things. Theuri because he knew she was police behaved like no other time, although he talk many many but no muclimbano. But as we get drunk and drunk, theuri start to open. He tell the lady that i am a man with alot of influence because my father was former Ps and i know alot of people and if she handles me well, she can go places.
When she go to toilet Theuri tell me 'Kai muguruki uyu uretigira mundu ucio? nikii? katari mundu o ta uria ungi? tiga ugishagi. (You mad person, you fear that person? She is like any other normal human being. Stop o village). He however cautions me "Na umenye uyu waga kumuhe shuma wega no rithathi ya itina agukuhura" (and know, if you dont satisfy her well, it is bullet of buttocks she will beat you. "na we ndioi nikii. Aya gutiri kanyamu makoragwo. No tuhote kwandika ikumi ta aya" (They dont have things, we can even afford to write 10 people like those)
When she comes from latrine, i start to make moves. Its like she was waiting for that. As we talk, she come and hold my shoulder and plays with my ear. Although she touch touch even my head, i still fear to touch touch her back. But after a while, i gain courage and touch her hair and ears too. When i touch her ears, it was like that was her erotic zone because she hold my head and pulls it towards her and kiss me passionately. We kiss and kiss and when i look at Theuri with vagina of my eye, he show me a sign that i will be shot in head.
I suggested we go to a place and rest. To measure her if she knows a place with rooms, asked her where we have good rooms. I like measuring people of out. One time, i go to Kitengera to a friends place. We chomokad with his sister in law. As we drink, i borrowed her things and to measure her i asked where we will climbana. She throw mouth and tell me 5 places and how much they charge and for which has hot water. There there, my tree slowed down because i knew she had been climbed by everyone in Kitengera. But for this cop, all the rooms she tell me are in hurlingham but she has no idea of how much they charge. But i knew that in all of them, one night's rate was equal to my two month's house rent in Kinoo. I remembered one guest house near Kenyatta Market. That time, they charge 1800.
Before leaving, she reminded me that my car sometimes stuck gear, so it will be safer if we take taxi. I convinced her that it had been repaired. We drove to Kenyatta market and booked the room. We entered room but i still did not have confidence enough to initiate the muclimbano. But its like she see i have fear. She remove shoes and lies on bed facing up and still legs hanging. In my head, i tell myself that maybe she has kept pisto there and if i jump on her like i jump on other people of out, she will remove pisto and shoot me in head, just like Theuri was demonstrating to me.
I took courage and went and lay on top of her and kissed her small. She kissed me back passionately, sighing and touching my back. Slowly, i unbuttoned her blouse and pushed bra on upside and started sucking her brookside. At first, i suck slowly because i dont know if the brookside will remove milk like i had experienced sometimes before. Another person of out allow me to such her brookside without warning and she knew very well that she was sucking a baby. But those of that traffic cop were freshly, firm and unsucked by babies. I sucked and sucked and when she see the bra is stopping me, she rose up and removed bra and blouse.
Slowly, still with fear, i unbuckled her jeans belt and brought it down. I then throw her on the bed and remove her biker. Those days, many women wear biker. As i remove biker, i still suck her brookside with zeal to keep the fire burning, otherwise, i fear she might tell me to stop from there. After her thuruari was off, i see she had not shaved proper, some hair remain small small, especially near tiita down down.
Her kind of hole was the one that has big mwatuka (valley or crack.. just been corrected) and big lips until it hides tiita deep deep. To reach tiita good, i take it with my two fingers and use the other hand to scratch scratch it. Then i insert my small finger, then two then three until i stopped because i fear if i try fourth, it will still go and i will fear it is big hole and loose morale of climbing her.
She cry for utamu until she raises herself up and ask me to lie down. She take my josto and smiles when she see it is type that has rugged rugged contours and many mikiha (veins). When i hear she complements my josto, i get assured that no bullet will go through my head just incase i leave her hanging.
After she suck and suck, she ask if i am ready and i say yes. She take makobosto and roll them down my josto. Thinking she will tell me to come up, she stands on top of me, then lowers herself down slowly, pointing my josto on her hole. Then she slow herself small small until all josto was finished. Then, like a trained person, she throw herself up and down, then in round and round. Because i dont want to pour fast and i fell like pouring, i imagine her pointing a gun on my head. I feel fear and that chases away the feeling of pouring.
She change position and turn the other side, still on top. She hold my legs and do the same thing in speed. She occasionally play with my testicles and that makes me feel like pouring all that is stored there. Again, i think of her crashing my balls with hammer and the feeling of pouring goes away again.
She does that until i hear her muscles contrast and crash my josto. That was an indication that she was pouring. I had not poured, mind you. I tell her i will make her pour three times. After playing with her brookside and tiita again to make get heat again, i tell her to lie facing up. I put one leg on my shoulder and eat somebody until i pour. Those days, i eat kachumbari alot and so, could afford two or three powerful jotis without struggle. I ate her until she say no man has ever made her feel like that.
I climber two more times until we lost one another. I did not enjoy the hole as much as i was enjoying eating a traffic cop. When eating later, i fail to know why people fear them, and here i was eating her with no mercy. If you see a cop this evening, dont fear, pass your business card. You never know what might happen oh.
Someday, i tell you how the same car, it jamed near entrance of gate of guest house and gangsters come and terrorize us, including other people that had booked other rooms. Some people in that room even think we brought the gangs. Even as it gone like that, i climbed that person because it was first time and we had been stolen anyway.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Because i inherited all problems of the car, one of its many problems was to refuse to enter gear and when it enter, it get stuck in some gears. One such time, i was along Argwings Kodhek road. For those who are not familiar with that route, it is road that take you to Yaya centre and if you go further, you go to Kawangware.
If you get stuck along Argwings Kodhek Rd, you cannot pack on side because it does not have. Just as i passed Yaya centre small, i see jam and had to slow down. As i tried to take it to lower gear, the gear refuse and stuck in gear no. 3. I braked at the jam and tried to remove the gear. That was something i was used to, all i had to do was to try and try. When jam opened, the gear was still stuck in no 3. I tried and tried and motorists behind me hooted and hooted until I had to one of them, gave him my keys and asked him to come and try move my car because i have been unable. He just looked at me and stopped hooting.
Looking back, i see jam has reached very far but i did not have otherwise. As i tried, i started calling my mechanic for tips. As i called, i see one traffic lady come looking me very bad. Just as she reached near my car, the gear agreed to remover and i quickly engaged gear no. 1 and started moving. Just as i wanted to move, she jumped infront of car and shouted "Wewe ni mjeuri namna gani, unaweka hii jam yote ndio uongee na simu?
Before i could answer, she opened door and hoped inside and asked me to go to Kilimani police station. I tried to tell her that the car had a mechanical problem to which she answered "Imepona wakati nimefika. Ebu leta licence. Nitakushtaki na obstruction and kuongea na simu."
I did not want to argue, so i drove towards a ka entrance so that we go to Kilimani. She look at me and say "Na nyinyi vijana si muko na madharao. Unaweka jam ndio uongee na simu? Ujinga ndio imejaa hiyo kichwa yako. Leo utajua sheria" I looked at her not knowing what to say. If only she knew how many problems i had because i even still owed my mechanic money for last nights repair..
Just as i was about to beat the corner, the gear jammed again. She saw how i struggle and after some few minutes, it removed. Because she had removed the cap i see she is cute with dimples and yellow yellow face. She did not look like the tough police that was hurling insults at me again. As we go, i tried to plead with her but where.
As we entered Kilimani police, i saw a driver of police who come from my village trying to park one of the police patrol cars. I waved and as he waved back. He was carrying the then Kilimani OCPD a Mr. Willy Lugusa. The OCPD thought i was waving at him. He waved back heatedly, smilling at me, although talking on phone. I did not know him, only used to see him on TV saying "My boys shot back killing them instantly".
After removing from car, the traffic lady asked "kwani mnajuana na mkubwa?" I looked at her and smiled then said "Lugusa ni rafiki yangu sana. Tunakunyuanga na yeye sana"
As we walked to the Traffic office with the lady, Lugusa had already alighted and was talking to other senior police. As i passed i went to them, greeted them and said to him " na mkubwa umenipotelea sana. Nitakutafuta jioni" He happily said he has been busy and we shall hook up later. One thing i knew in my mind was that this people never know who they are talking to or where you have met and so, they cannot ignore you. They see many people everyday and they cannot afford to disregard anyone as long as you are not asking for assistance from them.
When we go to the traffic office, she tell a fellow traffic, although man "Andikia uyu jamaa wa Lugusa bond aende kotini kesho kwa obstruction" The man looked at the lady traffic and said "Si msikizane na yeye kama ni mutu ya mkubwa?". I was now starting to behave like a real mtu ya mkubwa, so i started to play pyschological game.
I looked at the lady on her eyes and said "Sasa wewe, badala ya nikuambie vile utaonana na wakubwa, mkunywe pamoja, wewe unataka nikanyange mbao?"
She looked at me and said "hehe. Wacha kuniangalia ivo na izo macho zako. Leta elfu moja tuachie uyu jamaa twende tukiongea basi. Mini utaniachia chai ya soo ano"
I told her i dont have money with me but i will give her later when i withdraw at barclay's. When she saw i was adamant to remove money, she told me i drop her and the same where she had catched me from. When she enter, she tell me but i first pass at Barclays and withdraw her chai. I looked at my wallet and see 200 bob which i gave her.
Those days, women police put on skirt that reach until ground, so it was not easy to know whether she had big buttocks or not. Then, when they put those caps, they all look bad, so people have notion that all policewoman dont look good. But thgis one, despite the long skirt looked like something. As she left the car, i decided to throw one compliment so that next time she see me stuck on road, she will not insult me.
"Izo dimples si zinakutoa. Lakini, ubaya yake, siku ile utakuwa mzee na meno zote zingoke, hapo itakuwa shimo" i said to her. She looked at me and said "Ninatukanangwo mara mia moja kwa siku. Endelea tu. Ebu chukua number yangu uniitie mia nane yangu" I told her i will give her and buy her beer and food.
I dont know what touched me because on saturday evening, i called her line. From the way she answered, she had not saved my number. I reminded her that this is the friend of OCPD she has catched earlier in the week. She sounded excited and i told her i wanted to have a drink with her.
She asked from where and i told her Upperhill Springs. I knew to her, that would be ideal coz it was near her area. When she arrived, she meet me and Theuri. She did not look one cent her former self. She had firm boobs, big thuthas and very soft voice. We talked and talked, all normal things. Theuri because he knew she was police behaved like no other time, although he talk many many but no muclimbano. But as we get drunk and drunk, theuri start to open. He tell the lady that i am a man with alot of influence because my father was former Ps and i know alot of people and if she handles me well, she can go places.
When she go to toilet Theuri tell me 'Kai muguruki uyu uretigira mundu ucio? nikii? katari mundu o ta uria ungi? tiga ugishagi. (You mad person, you fear that person? She is like any other normal human being. Stop o village). He however cautions me "Na umenye uyu waga kumuhe shuma wega no rithathi ya itina agukuhura" (and know, if you dont satisfy her well, it is bullet of buttocks she will beat you. "na we ndioi nikii. Aya gutiri kanyamu makoragwo. No tuhote kwandika ikumi ta aya" (They dont have things, we can even afford to write 10 people like those)
When she comes from latrine, i start to make moves. Its like she was waiting for that. As we talk, she come and hold my shoulder and plays with my ear. Although she touch touch even my head, i still fear to touch touch her back. But after a while, i gain courage and touch her hair and ears too. When i touch her ears, it was like that was her erotic zone because she hold my head and pulls it towards her and kiss me passionately. We kiss and kiss and when i look at Theuri with vagina of my eye, he show me a sign that i will be shot in head.
I suggested we go to a place and rest. To measure her if she knows a place with rooms, asked her where we have good rooms. I like measuring people of out. One time, i go to Kitengera to a friends place. We chomokad with his sister in law. As we drink, i borrowed her things and to measure her i asked where we will climbana. She throw mouth and tell me 5 places and how much they charge and for which has hot water. There there, my tree slowed down because i knew she had been climbed by everyone in Kitengera. But for this cop, all the rooms she tell me are in hurlingham but she has no idea of how much they charge. But i knew that in all of them, one night's rate was equal to my two month's house rent in Kinoo. I remembered one guest house near Kenyatta Market. That time, they charge 1800.
Before leaving, she reminded me that my car sometimes stuck gear, so it will be safer if we take taxi. I convinced her that it had been repaired. We drove to Kenyatta market and booked the room. We entered room but i still did not have confidence enough to initiate the muclimbano. But its like she see i have fear. She remove shoes and lies on bed facing up and still legs hanging. In my head, i tell myself that maybe she has kept pisto there and if i jump on her like i jump on other people of out, she will remove pisto and shoot me in head, just like Theuri was demonstrating to me.
I took courage and went and lay on top of her and kissed her small. She kissed me back passionately, sighing and touching my back. Slowly, i unbuttoned her blouse and pushed bra on upside and started sucking her brookside. At first, i suck slowly because i dont know if the brookside will remove milk like i had experienced sometimes before. Another person of out allow me to such her brookside without warning and she knew very well that she was sucking a baby. But those of that traffic cop were freshly, firm and unsucked by babies. I sucked and sucked and when she see the bra is stopping me, she rose up and removed bra and blouse.
Slowly, still with fear, i unbuckled her jeans belt and brought it down. I then throw her on the bed and remove her biker. Those days, many women wear biker. As i remove biker, i still suck her brookside with zeal to keep the fire burning, otherwise, i fear she might tell me to stop from there. After her thuruari was off, i see she had not shaved proper, some hair remain small small, especially near tiita down down.
Her kind of hole was the one that has big mwatuka (valley or crack.. just been corrected) and big lips until it hides tiita deep deep. To reach tiita good, i take it with my two fingers and use the other hand to scratch scratch it. Then i insert my small finger, then two then three until i stopped because i fear if i try fourth, it will still go and i will fear it is big hole and loose morale of climbing her.
She cry for utamu until she raises herself up and ask me to lie down. She take my josto and smiles when she see it is type that has rugged rugged contours and many mikiha (veins). When i hear she complements my josto, i get assured that no bullet will go through my head just incase i leave her hanging.
After she suck and suck, she ask if i am ready and i say yes. She take makobosto and roll them down my josto. Thinking she will tell me to come up, she stands on top of me, then lowers herself down slowly, pointing my josto on her hole. Then she slow herself small small until all josto was finished. Then, like a trained person, she throw herself up and down, then in round and round. Because i dont want to pour fast and i fell like pouring, i imagine her pointing a gun on my head. I feel fear and that chases away the feeling of pouring.
She change position and turn the other side, still on top. She hold my legs and do the same thing in speed. She occasionally play with my testicles and that makes me feel like pouring all that is stored there. Again, i think of her crashing my balls with hammer and the feeling of pouring goes away again.
She does that until i hear her muscles contrast and crash my josto. That was an indication that she was pouring. I had not poured, mind you. I tell her i will make her pour three times. After playing with her brookside and tiita again to make get heat again, i tell her to lie facing up. I put one leg on my shoulder and eat somebody until i pour. Those days, i eat kachumbari alot and so, could afford two or three powerful jotis without struggle. I ate her until she say no man has ever made her feel like that.
I climber two more times until we lost one another. I did not enjoy the hole as much as i was enjoying eating a traffic cop. When eating later, i fail to know why people fear them, and here i was eating her with no mercy. If you see a cop this evening, dont fear, pass your business card. You never know what might happen oh.
Someday, i tell you how the same car, it jamed near entrance of gate of guest house and gangsters come and terrorize us, including other people that had booked other rooms. Some people in that room even think we brought the gangs. Even as it gone like that, i climbed that person because it was first time and we had been stolen anyway.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Thursday, June 9, 2011
How Shylock Business Showed Theuri Dust.
Theuri was a one time shylock. If you have no idea who shylocks are, they are those people that look for people that are desperate for money, ask them to deposit an item and loan them money against that item and in 30 days time, you return the money plus 30% profit. If you dont pay, you forfeit the item no matter the value. Shylocks, in many cases are always the last alternative after friends and family have refused or unable to help you.
Theuri was playing it big in that league. He was not the person to take phones or laptops or household goods. He used to take Motor vehicle and lands. In that business, if a motor vehicle is worth 600k, they give you 200k utmost. Majority of those that borrow from Shylocks are not able to payback because, one they borrow because they are in problem and two, most of those problems are not solved in 30 days, they take longer. Again, i hear most shylock engage activities of kalumanzila so that you are not able to pay back. Although it has many profit, no business is easy. He was shown dust and left the business and pinched himself never to do that business again. Even today, if Theuri lends you money, he can never ask for interest. It is either you share profit and loss or he give you roho safi.
There are many things that happened for him to stop it but i will tell you the most hilarious of all of them. The others are sad and if i tell you, you will feel sad for him and this is place to be happy.
One day, a man who was his Shylock customer for long time come to his office. He say he has a Nissan B14 that was stuck in another shylock place. The man was broker of many things and sometimes, he would need urgent cash to buy stuff for resale. He had borrowed 100k and that was the last day and if he allowed tomorow to come before he pay, he would say goodby to that car. He asked Theuri to loan him the 130k so that they redeem the car from the expiring shylocks place. If he do that, he take the car for 30 days so that he pay with another 30%. The ammount he was to pay to the other shylock would be Theuris advance to the man.
Since that was Theuri's business, he could not refuse. Infact he prayed for 5 more business like that. They went to the shylock and payed 130k. The log book was to be released after a 20 minutes. They were advised instead of waiting, they be given release order. In other words, they were given paper with instruction to release the car to them.
The showroom where the car was stored was along outering road. They took matatu to outering. When they reach the showroom, the see car and the man when wanting to produce the release order paper, he say he forget the release order in the office of shylock. They cased to go back to town and pick the release order.
They used the Mutindwa route to Buru so that they catch a faster Matatu to town. They climbed a Matatu of No. 36 from Buru and when they reached Uchumi, the Matatu said it cannot go upto stadium. The Matatu beat rounderbout and drops them on the other side. As they were crossing the busy highway, Theuri did not see the man. He looked for him but could not see.
The man had crossed before Theuri and climbed a matatu to town although Theuri did not know. When Theuri called him, he say he has entered Uchumi to buy something. Theuri waited and waited and when he called again, the phone was off. The man had by that time reached town and rushed to the shylocks office and picked the documents. He then climbed another Matatu with release order to outering. But before he reaches there, Theuri was at the Shylocks office. He asked for the documents and the man and the lady secretarial and reception telled him the owner of car has picked them. There there, Theuri suspected something was not going right.
When he explained the story of how the man disappear as they were crossing road, the lady called faster faster the showroom and telled them not to release the car. Fortunately, the man had not arrived there. The man went to the show room and when they they refused to give him the car, he rushed to Buruburu police and picked police. By the time Theuri reach there, he meets the man with police. The car was first towed to Buruburu police and they all wented there.
Theuri gave his story to the police as the man kept quet. He say how they lost one another while crossing road and how the man rushed to the office to collect the logbook. He talked and talked and when it was time to talk he said :
"Uyu riu nikii aramuira? nyuma ndimuenderia ngari ino na uria ndirona, uyu ni conman" (What is this person telling you. I was to sell the car to him after i redeem it to him but he look like conman). He then denied ever receiving a cent from Theuri to pay shylock loan.
He then turned to the man of shylock: "We, nu ukuneire mbeca? ni nie kana ni theuri? na indiuma gwaku ofishi ndakwira ndigitie ngiri ikumi njuke? (You, who gave you money? me or theuri? wasnt i in your office in morning and i telled you i i have only remain 10k?). The shylock man said indeed, it was the man that handed him the money. He then asked if indeed they had any dealing, he produce written documents or agreements. Theuri did not have any but stood by his story.
The police handed the keys to the man after paying to towing charges. He left smiling and when he was out of gate, he called Theuri and say "Ngoma ino icio ni interest iria utuire undihitie" (you devil, that was for the interest that you have been charging me). Theuri got choked by gikindi did not say anything. He left police and took a mat back to town having lost 130k in a fraction of the eye.
Another day, although this is sad, a man takes logbook of his brother and brings the car to Theuri. When the man comes with the ID of his brother and pretends it is him. Because it is not easy to identify someone by ID, especially if its an older person. Theuri satisified himself that he was dealing with the real man. All the documents were in order and after signing all docs, he gave him 300k. After one week, he see the man come with police and the real owner.. now the brother. He showed Theuri as the man that had taken the car. Theuri showed all documents and agreements he had given.
They accused Theuri of handling stolen item and after he parted with something, they left him, minus the car and the 300k. Later, he came to know that those guys were in that business after they wented to many shylocks in town with same story. I dont know if they were working with rogue police, but all indication points to that. From that time, he puts his hands up and said to hell with shylocking. Hii Nairobi iko na wenyewe.
Today's was a commercial break. Tomorrow is when i tell you about the traffic policewoman.Too much play makes wanjohi dull you know
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Theuri was playing it big in that league. He was not the person to take phones or laptops or household goods. He used to take Motor vehicle and lands. In that business, if a motor vehicle is worth 600k, they give you 200k utmost. Majority of those that borrow from Shylocks are not able to payback because, one they borrow because they are in problem and two, most of those problems are not solved in 30 days, they take longer. Again, i hear most shylock engage activities of kalumanzila so that you are not able to pay back. Although it has many profit, no business is easy. He was shown dust and left the business and pinched himself never to do that business again. Even today, if Theuri lends you money, he can never ask for interest. It is either you share profit and loss or he give you roho safi.
There are many things that happened for him to stop it but i will tell you the most hilarious of all of them. The others are sad and if i tell you, you will feel sad for him and this is place to be happy.
One day, a man who was his Shylock customer for long time come to his office. He say he has a Nissan B14 that was stuck in another shylock place. The man was broker of many things and sometimes, he would need urgent cash to buy stuff for resale. He had borrowed 100k and that was the last day and if he allowed tomorow to come before he pay, he would say goodby to that car. He asked Theuri to loan him the 130k so that they redeem the car from the expiring shylocks place. If he do that, he take the car for 30 days so that he pay with another 30%. The ammount he was to pay to the other shylock would be Theuris advance to the man.
Since that was Theuri's business, he could not refuse. Infact he prayed for 5 more business like that. They went to the shylock and payed 130k. The log book was to be released after a 20 minutes. They were advised instead of waiting, they be given release order. In other words, they were given paper with instruction to release the car to them.
The showroom where the car was stored was along outering road. They took matatu to outering. When they reach the showroom, the see car and the man when wanting to produce the release order paper, he say he forget the release order in the office of shylock. They cased to go back to town and pick the release order.
They used the Mutindwa route to Buru so that they catch a faster Matatu to town. They climbed a Matatu of No. 36 from Buru and when they reached Uchumi, the Matatu said it cannot go upto stadium. The Matatu beat rounderbout and drops them on the other side. As they were crossing the busy highway, Theuri did not see the man. He looked for him but could not see.
The man had crossed before Theuri and climbed a matatu to town although Theuri did not know. When Theuri called him, he say he has entered Uchumi to buy something. Theuri waited and waited and when he called again, the phone was off. The man had by that time reached town and rushed to the shylocks office and picked the documents. He then climbed another Matatu with release order to outering. But before he reaches there, Theuri was at the Shylocks office. He asked for the documents and the man and the lady secretarial and reception telled him the owner of car has picked them. There there, Theuri suspected something was not going right.
When he explained the story of how the man disappear as they were crossing road, the lady called faster faster the showroom and telled them not to release the car. Fortunately, the man had not arrived there. The man went to the show room and when they they refused to give him the car, he rushed to Buruburu police and picked police. By the time Theuri reach there, he meets the man with police. The car was first towed to Buruburu police and they all wented there.
Theuri gave his story to the police as the man kept quet. He say how they lost one another while crossing road and how the man rushed to the office to collect the logbook. He talked and talked and when it was time to talk he said :
"Uyu riu nikii aramuira? nyuma ndimuenderia ngari ino na uria ndirona, uyu ni conman" (What is this person telling you. I was to sell the car to him after i redeem it to him but he look like conman). He then denied ever receiving a cent from Theuri to pay shylock loan.
He then turned to the man of shylock: "We, nu ukuneire mbeca? ni nie kana ni theuri? na indiuma gwaku ofishi ndakwira ndigitie ngiri ikumi njuke? (You, who gave you money? me or theuri? wasnt i in your office in morning and i telled you i i have only remain 10k?). The shylock man said indeed, it was the man that handed him the money. He then asked if indeed they had any dealing, he produce written documents or agreements. Theuri did not have any but stood by his story.
The police handed the keys to the man after paying to towing charges. He left smiling and when he was out of gate, he called Theuri and say "Ngoma ino icio ni interest iria utuire undihitie" (you devil, that was for the interest that you have been charging me). Theuri got choked by gikindi did not say anything. He left police and took a mat back to town having lost 130k in a fraction of the eye.
Another day, although this is sad, a man takes logbook of his brother and brings the car to Theuri. When the man comes with the ID of his brother and pretends it is him. Because it is not easy to identify someone by ID, especially if its an older person. Theuri satisified himself that he was dealing with the real man. All the documents were in order and after signing all docs, he gave him 300k. After one week, he see the man come with police and the real owner.. now the brother. He showed Theuri as the man that had taken the car. Theuri showed all documents and agreements he had given.
They accused Theuri of handling stolen item and after he parted with something, they left him, minus the car and the 300k. Later, he came to know that those guys were in that business after they wented to many shylocks in town with same story. I dont know if they were working with rogue police, but all indication points to that. From that time, he puts his hands up and said to hell with shylocking. Hii Nairobi iko na wenyewe.
Today's was a commercial break. Tomorrow is when i tell you about the traffic policewoman.Too much play makes wanjohi dull you know
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Fortune That Came With My Old Car.
I know you are all aware that one time, i owned a very very old car. When i bought the car, i was told that since it was boughted, it had been used by only one old woman who only used it to go to church and funerals. I entered box and bought that car that later showed me dust. Despite its age and all that, that car brought me both mixed fortune and trouble. Some of the fortunes are that it literally made me a mechanic. When i hear a problem, i will know what it is ailing from and i go tell the mechanic " ngari iyo ni ball joint ciana thina" (that car is ball joint that had problem). Even today, when i go to garage, a mechanic cannot con me with fake problems. They find it hard to deal with me. Another fortune was that it made me eat one yummy person of out and a traffic police.
One day, i was coming to work from where i lived, a place called Kinoo. For those who dont know Kinoo, it is after you pass Wanyee. It is in Kiambu country, a county that is blessed with very flying persons of out who can never refuse you to climb them, unless you dont have money.
The car used to drink 200 per day, going home and coming back to town, when even jam was also factored in. Those times, that was close to 4 liters. Those days, the only thing that used to be expensive was Keringet water. If you go to club with lady and she say she want Keringeti, you know you are damned because beer was 2 times cheaper than Keringeti.
That car did not have gauge, so it was mandatory i carry a jerrycan to buy petrol because many times, it finish petrol in the middle road. Finishing petrol was a better problem because, other times, it breaks down, it refuses to enter gear. Other weekly problems were the reverse gear failure. That was not a big problem, only when parking i would get problem. Others were brake failure, wipers and no full lights or signals. I had to remove hand out to warn the drives behind that i am entering or diverting.
One such better problem time, it finished petrol in a very very wrong place and when i did not have a kobo. The previous day, i had drunked 200bob as usual and got alot of jam on gong road. Tomorrow morning, i beat car fire as usual to head to town. Just as i passed traffic headquarters, i hear car get hiccup. That was a sign that petrol was going down. It passed small until near Maji house, then it refused to go further. I tried to resuscitate it but where. I removed from car and pushed it on side. I did not have one cent with me, although i had many money in shop.
I tried to think what to do as i did not have a phone with me, i had forgotten it in the shop the previous day. From that place, the nearest petrol station is Total, Hurlingham or Shell, opposite Integrity centre. I tried to think what to do and failed to know. Because the car had big music, i feared if i leave it there, it will be broken into and they steal. Again, there was no packing in that place and if i dared leave it there, city kanjo might pull it.
I thinked and thinked until i came up with an idea. I decided to go look for one person at the bus stop who will give me one hundred bob, then i carry him to town and refund the money once in town. I took the jerrycan from boot and went down to stage and talked to several:
"Niaje, mimi naitwa wanjohi, ile gari iko pale ni yangu na nimeishiwa na mafuta. Nataka unisaidie na mia moja, ninunue mafuta halafu twende nawewe taoni nikurudishie"
That was the song i sang to all those i tried to talk to. When i telled them that, some would look at me from shoe to head, then turn away without speaking to me. Others would say they dont have money while others would say they are in hurry. I talked to about 20 with no success. For close to an hour, nobody was listening to me, even after telling them i will refund it with profit double double. As i waited to see if i will see any person that will die sorry for me, i spoted a lady who looked mature and smart. I approached her and started as usual "Mimi naitwa wanjohi na ile ngari ni yangu, lakini imekwama juu mafuta imeishia hapo. Sina simu hapa na naomba unipe mia moja,..."
When i finish singing, she smiled and asked why i did not drink enough petrol. After i assured her that the gauge malfunctioned the other day, she fished from her bag one hundred bob and gave me. I told her to wait for me in the car as i walk to Hurlingham to buy petrol. I went and bought petrol of 80 bob and climbed a matatu at Kenyatta to bring me back to where my car was.
After putting the petrol, the car started again and we headed to town. I did not speak a word until we reach town. I parked car, and told her to give me two minutes i pick money. I went to the shop and picked two hundred bob and my phone. I went and gave her the money, now double double. She refused to take it and said i should call her one day and buy her beer instead. Because i had been frustrated too much, i did not want many stories. I took her number and flashed her.
Tomorrow of that day was a friday. She called me like before 5 and reminded me of beer promise. Although i had another ka person who had been just written in one of the exhibition and i was planning to climb before she knows what goes around, and start distributing aimlessly, i immediately canceled that plan. You know in exbitions stalls, you look for the 'just arrived'. If you wait small, the just arrived will be influenced by others and get climbed ovyo ovyo before you tasting.
In the evening, she came to the shop and we removed together to the then popular Citrus Inn (It was Citrus Whispers Inn those days and Whispers was always drinking there as he directed the kikuyu comedies that were just starting). Those days, it did not have people of medicine. This days, you cannot go to Citrus and escape medicine. They can even put medicine even when they are two tables away. They throw the rice like dart and the rice will not miss your glass or bottle. Others put rice in their tits and ask you to suck. When you suck, you are as good wiped off.
When we enter, she measured meat of 1kg and i failed to know what kind of woman she is. I was used to going with persons that cannot even buy a sausage for themselves. I called waiter and when i fished money to pay for the first round, she say she will pay for the first drinks. Let that person buy water. She bought water like a mundurume. Let the person buy water, let her buy, until i feel shame on me. When i tried to buy her, she say i keep it and drink more petrol so that the car does not stall again.
Until the fourth drink, I had not borrowed because somehow, i feel intimidated. We beat story and beat story until all stories are almost finished. When story almost finish, i said if bad is bad, i will touch touch. Slowly slowly, i touched tenderly and i see she like. When she see i touch, she started "Wanjohi, niui ndakuonete tene muno hau ukihoya mbeca ngiigua ndakuenda. ndetereire opportunity iyo uke uhoe" (Wanjohi, i had seen you long time when you were asking for money, i was just waiting for the opportunity you come borrow from me)
When she said that, i knew that she has removed Thuruari herself. I lied and lied to her, and telled her that it was a trick to talk to her and that i had money in my pocked. She laughed and telled me to tell that to the dogs.
"Nie ndirarigwo kana niukumiriria shuma ino ma i. ngai, na niguo iriga gushimba tene" (i fail to know if you will tolerate this tree. And the way i have stayed without digging) I said, after she started to touch touch my tree that was now standing too much.
"Gaka kaigana kara ona no kaiguithie mundu unuu riu. Tuinuke although gaka ndirona no kuiguithia mundu kuithua" (this one is size of a finger, it cannot make somebody feel anything. Lets go home, although this one i see it only makes me feel nothing)
She agreed and we wented to my house in Kinoo. After we enter, she say she want to wash her body. I unbuttoned her blouse and unclipped her bra, then removed it, making me see her 32D for the first time. When she removed her trouser, i see big lips drawn on panty. I sucked and sucked her boobs until she want me to climb her in bathroom.
After washing, i beat her tree proper until tomorrow. Later, i climber her many times, although not in my house until one day, she telled me that her fiancee has comed back. She had not telled me before that her she had a fiancee and that he was army officer who had travelled to Siera Leone for peace mission. I feared because, you dont joke with this military people. We still talk even today and most recently, she joked that she want me to born her a child. If she insist, i will throw her to Theuri because he has their medicine. Me cant.
Tomorrow, i will tell you how my car stalled in the middle of road, causing a 1km stretch of traffic jam and out of that, i climbed a traffic police woman who called a breakdown to pull my car to police.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
One day, i was coming to work from where i lived, a place called Kinoo. For those who dont know Kinoo, it is after you pass Wanyee. It is in Kiambu country, a county that is blessed with very flying persons of out who can never refuse you to climb them, unless you dont have money.
The car used to drink 200 per day, going home and coming back to town, when even jam was also factored in. Those times, that was close to 4 liters. Those days, the only thing that used to be expensive was Keringet water. If you go to club with lady and she say she want Keringeti, you know you are damned because beer was 2 times cheaper than Keringeti.
That car did not have gauge, so it was mandatory i carry a jerrycan to buy petrol because many times, it finish petrol in the middle road. Finishing petrol was a better problem because, other times, it breaks down, it refuses to enter gear. Other weekly problems were the reverse gear failure. That was not a big problem, only when parking i would get problem. Others were brake failure, wipers and no full lights or signals. I had to remove hand out to warn the drives behind that i am entering or diverting.
One such better problem time, it finished petrol in a very very wrong place and when i did not have a kobo. The previous day, i had drunked 200bob as usual and got alot of jam on gong road. Tomorrow morning, i beat car fire as usual to head to town. Just as i passed traffic headquarters, i hear car get hiccup. That was a sign that petrol was going down. It passed small until near Maji house, then it refused to go further. I tried to resuscitate it but where. I removed from car and pushed it on side. I did not have one cent with me, although i had many money in shop.
I tried to think what to do as i did not have a phone with me, i had forgotten it in the shop the previous day. From that place, the nearest petrol station is Total, Hurlingham or Shell, opposite Integrity centre. I tried to think what to do and failed to know. Because the car had big music, i feared if i leave it there, it will be broken into and they steal. Again, there was no packing in that place and if i dared leave it there, city kanjo might pull it.
I thinked and thinked until i came up with an idea. I decided to go look for one person at the bus stop who will give me one hundred bob, then i carry him to town and refund the money once in town. I took the jerrycan from boot and went down to stage and talked to several:
"Niaje, mimi naitwa wanjohi, ile gari iko pale ni yangu na nimeishiwa na mafuta. Nataka unisaidie na mia moja, ninunue mafuta halafu twende nawewe taoni nikurudishie"
That was the song i sang to all those i tried to talk to. When i telled them that, some would look at me from shoe to head, then turn away without speaking to me. Others would say they dont have money while others would say they are in hurry. I talked to about 20 with no success. For close to an hour, nobody was listening to me, even after telling them i will refund it with profit double double. As i waited to see if i will see any person that will die sorry for me, i spoted a lady who looked mature and smart. I approached her and started as usual "Mimi naitwa wanjohi na ile ngari ni yangu, lakini imekwama juu mafuta imeishia hapo. Sina simu hapa na naomba unipe mia moja,..."
When i finish singing, she smiled and asked why i did not drink enough petrol. After i assured her that the gauge malfunctioned the other day, she fished from her bag one hundred bob and gave me. I told her to wait for me in the car as i walk to Hurlingham to buy petrol. I went and bought petrol of 80 bob and climbed a matatu at Kenyatta to bring me back to where my car was.
After putting the petrol, the car started again and we headed to town. I did not speak a word until we reach town. I parked car, and told her to give me two minutes i pick money. I went to the shop and picked two hundred bob and my phone. I went and gave her the money, now double double. She refused to take it and said i should call her one day and buy her beer instead. Because i had been frustrated too much, i did not want many stories. I took her number and flashed her.
Tomorrow of that day was a friday. She called me like before 5 and reminded me of beer promise. Although i had another ka person who had been just written in one of the exhibition and i was planning to climb before she knows what goes around, and start distributing aimlessly, i immediately canceled that plan. You know in exbitions stalls, you look for the 'just arrived'. If you wait small, the just arrived will be influenced by others and get climbed ovyo ovyo before you tasting.
In the evening, she came to the shop and we removed together to the then popular Citrus Inn (It was Citrus Whispers Inn those days and Whispers was always drinking there as he directed the kikuyu comedies that were just starting). Those days, it did not have people of medicine. This days, you cannot go to Citrus and escape medicine. They can even put medicine even when they are two tables away. They throw the rice like dart and the rice will not miss your glass or bottle. Others put rice in their tits and ask you to suck. When you suck, you are as good wiped off.
When we enter, she measured meat of 1kg and i failed to know what kind of woman she is. I was used to going with persons that cannot even buy a sausage for themselves. I called waiter and when i fished money to pay for the first round, she say she will pay for the first drinks. Let that person buy water. She bought water like a mundurume. Let the person buy water, let her buy, until i feel shame on me. When i tried to buy her, she say i keep it and drink more petrol so that the car does not stall again.
Until the fourth drink, I had not borrowed because somehow, i feel intimidated. We beat story and beat story until all stories are almost finished. When story almost finish, i said if bad is bad, i will touch touch. Slowly slowly, i touched tenderly and i see she like. When she see i touch, she started "Wanjohi, niui ndakuonete tene muno hau ukihoya mbeca ngiigua ndakuenda. ndetereire opportunity iyo uke uhoe" (Wanjohi, i had seen you long time when you were asking for money, i was just waiting for the opportunity you come borrow from me)
When she said that, i knew that she has removed Thuruari herself. I lied and lied to her, and telled her that it was a trick to talk to her and that i had money in my pocked. She laughed and telled me to tell that to the dogs.
"Nie ndirarigwo kana niukumiriria shuma ino ma i. ngai, na niguo iriga gushimba tene" (i fail to know if you will tolerate this tree. And the way i have stayed without digging) I said, after she started to touch touch my tree that was now standing too much.
"Gaka kaigana kara ona no kaiguithie mundu unuu riu. Tuinuke although gaka ndirona no kuiguithia mundu kuithua" (this one is size of a finger, it cannot make somebody feel anything. Lets go home, although this one i see it only makes me feel nothing)
She agreed and we wented to my house in Kinoo. After we enter, she say she want to wash her body. I unbuttoned her blouse and unclipped her bra, then removed it, making me see her 32D for the first time. When she removed her trouser, i see big lips drawn on panty. I sucked and sucked her boobs until she want me to climb her in bathroom.
After washing, i beat her tree proper until tomorrow. Later, i climber her many times, although not in my house until one day, she telled me that her fiancee has comed back. She had not telled me before that her she had a fiancee and that he was army officer who had travelled to Siera Leone for peace mission. I feared because, you dont joke with this military people. We still talk even today and most recently, she joked that she want me to born her a child. If she insist, i will throw her to Theuri because he has their medicine. Me cant.
Tomorrow, i will tell you how my car stalled in the middle of road, causing a 1km stretch of traffic jam and out of that, i climbed a traffic police woman who called a breakdown to pull my car to police.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Only Person Theuri Was Unable to Steal From Me
There is a saying in my village that says that "itari muting'oe ihuragwo ngi ni ngai" (those with no tails, they are wiped houseflies by God). I just remembered one incidence that happened to me when i had landed on foot that proved to me that that saying is so true.
There is this person i climbed many days and even today, her hole has remained a mystery to me. I think i have telled you about that person in my earlier stories. She is the girl i telled you that she sounded like she had sand in her hole. Very very rough terrains and hot. In all the cases i climbed her, i used to pour very fast. I used to climb her with makobosto before but when we got used, i hit the wall with makobosto so that i feel the terrain first hand. She complained and complained until she had to live with my fast pouring.. kuku style. When getting climbed, she used to first lie down still and allow me to insert all josto inside. Once josto is inside, she let me try to get rhythm. I remove small, then enter again in speed. When she see i almost have rhythm and josto is well lubricated, she raises one leg up and put in my back to hold me against her firmly, then raises herself up small and twists her hips. That stylo, coupled with the sandy sandy texture inside her hot hole, can make even the person who have swallowed a full packet of viagra pour in two minutes. And to make matters worse, it invited everything stored inside my testicles, so, to get a second joti was so almost imposible.
Those days, i had not discovered Kamagra though. But one thing i liked about her is that she liked me just like that. Even today, because she got married to a guy i know very well, although he does not know me, she call me many times. She tell me she still love me and says she want my josto again but only if i improved my pouring prowess.She had to get saved to marry that man, so i believe her saveness was just for njaro.. just to get a husband that is not spoilt. Whenever the husband is away, she comes where we are drinking during day time and she kamatas two or three Tusker malts. I dont like that idea at all because the bible say, "he that will make one of my sheep lost, i will put Githii on his neck" (unfortunately, i dont know swahili or english word for githii, but in long word, it is the machine that turn maize into unga). I dont want any Githii on my neck, so, i have stopped picking her calls. I also dont want any temptation of eating her because it is sin to eat or even convert somebody's person.
It took me a while before climbing her and when i did, i did it in style. I say in style because i had landed on foot and most of my bills, it was Theuri that was paying.
After finishing college, she believed i was influential enough, or had enough friends able to get her a job. Although i known many people, none of them were capable of writing her a good job. But she kept on disturbing me. I then remembered my good friend Theuri. Although i fear Theuri will climb her before me, i decided to put the interest of the girl before muclimbano. I knew that if i helped her get job, one day she will remember me and remove Thuruari roho safi, without coercion or out of desperation.
I telled Theuri about that girl and he said if she is climbable, he will get her a job. I told him that that was my person and if he helped her, he has as well helped me. He said he will and also promised not to touched her or borrow her things. Theuri cannot be believed in some things, but i had to give him the benefits of doubt.
I introduced her to Theuri one Friday evening. When she come, Theuri buys water like brewery is closing down. As we beat water, Theuri telled her that on Monday, she consider herself employed. But it was true, Theuri had called one guy who wanted a cute sales person of female origin. I dont know why people always want cute this and cute that. If you hear a person like that, it is the kind that climb people that they have employed. But i had no problem, as long as the girl benefited. I have climbed several myself, will beat the story to you later, but only that have drama to be telled here.
Tomorrow of that day, we were going to Meru to pay dowry for a friend's wife. I was getting lifted by Theuri because my Taxi could not reach Meru because of its age and again, when i was not taxing it, i used to give squad to drivers of squad. That meant, whether i am there or not, my taxi was still making small money.
From the look of things, i saw my girl and Theuri were entering one another so much. She liked all stories of Theuri. I knew in my mind that i had to do something very quickly so that Theuri does not eat the person before me. When Theuri go out to go to latrine, i pinch the person and say " uyu ni mumaraya ariangi makehera. We menya uria uku deal nake na ugi niguo akuonere wira, no thuruari waruta ndukauge ndiakuirire" (This is prostitute, others are nothing. You know how to deal with him clever until he get you a job. If you remove Thuruari, dont say i did not tell you)
But when Theuri comes back from latrine and start his stories, i see the lady still want him more and because i know Theuri is a verbal diarrhearer, i decided to cleverly bring a dirty topic of him eating a person of out, either he abandons them in club or room or promise them money but fails to deliver. But no matter how many people Theuri say he eat and where and when, and how cold or oceanic they were, my person still wanted to hear more and i see like she like him more.
After we drink enough, Theuri invite her to go with us to Meru tomorrow morning, which she agreed. Then, Theuri whispered to me and say "gaka ndathie kuigagura o ma. ndirona kena mukio muingi. Reke rucio ngakuhe uhoro" (This one i have gone to thank myself. She is too horny, tomorrow i will tell you). I felt gikindi in my throat but since i had drunked his beer, i could not fight back. Again, if he left us with the lady, i could not afford to drop her or pay taxi for her.
Theuri dropped me at my stage to take matatu home and then, they proceeded to Eastleigh to climb her from there. That night, i did not get sleep. All along, i imagined how Theuri was turning my person like hot ugali. Tomorrow, we meet along Thika road with many others so that we go together. Theuri came and telled me:
"kamundu gaku ni gashenji muno. nikararegire kuruta thuruari, ndiragatigania rumu na matano hau methaine" (Your person si very shenzi type. I leave her in room after she refused to remove Thuruari and left 500 bob for her there). In my head, i knew he was lying to me although it is rare for him to lie about climbing. He would rather lie that he climbed somebody he did not climb than say he did not. But i knowed there were some truth when he then said:
"No umuthi turarara meru. Ira karanjirire gatingihe na riambere. Umuthi rikiri ria mbere mundu wakwa?" (today, we will sleep in Meru, yesterday she said she cannot give me on the first day. today is not first day, my person?). I asked him "Nikii mundu wakwa unyunuhaga uu. ndukenda kuyona ngiria kindu kiega? (Why do you do that to me. Dont you want me to eat good things?) which he said "Ndigithia, aranjirire muri o arata. I ndui ndingiria handu urite? (stop me. She told me you are just good friends. You know i cannot eat somewhere you have eaten). That told me that the lady had jumped me. But having been used to many persons of out that turn to people with more things, i decided to swallow that and live with it.
When she showed up, i see she greet Theuri with warm heart and when she came to me she said "giki kimundu giaku nigikigu ma i. Kireira ati nie no ndikihe. Nie itakiri mumaraya!" (this ki person of yours is stupid. He thinks i can give him. Me is not a person of trap!). I am the kind that reads between the lines but this one was not easy. I knew there was 50 50 chance that she was climbed and no woman will come and say to another man how she was climbed, unless she is of devil. When it was time to leave for Meru, she hoped onto the front pasager seat. As we go to Meru, Theuri tell us alot of stories and we all like including muclimbano.
When we finish uthoni, we went to a bar in Maua town. Maua is a place of its kind. We entered many of us and chafuad the place but no one seems to be bothered by our presence. They did not even turn to look who are these people destroying their bar by drinking like it is December. The locals, because they all have money have no shuguli with visitors. If such visitors come to Kigogoine, you will see all types of people milling around there, borrowing beer or giving stories of giants to visitors so that they get beer from them.
As we drink, Theuri keep 'my' girl to his side. Theuri, like previous day buys water without ending. Theuri was occasionally talking to one guy in a group of others who was talking Alsorps and in that confusion, he buyed him a beer. The group turned and asked
"Murume... who are this people that buy beer with discrimination?" One man looked at us and said we are still young, we cant afford beer as yet. He then sended waiter to bring us 2 beers each, a total of 22 beers. We drunked and Theuri said "aya mendaga gucogothwo uguo. Mbeca ciatigariire natuthuri tutu twa miraa" (this people want like that. Money remained here with this wazees of Miraa). As night progressed, we praised them and that earned us more rounds. When we attempt to buy them back, they talk bad and say they did not come to bar to be bought beer by young boys like us.
When it was time to sleep, i tell the girl that she will be climbed by Theuri, the big prostitute. I telled her that Theuri climb three women in one night and sometimes does not even use Makobosto. The girl got scared and when we went to take rooms, she said she want to sleep in her own room. Theuri, thinking it is her trick not to let me know that she is getting climbed by him, paid her room quickly. He then booked another one next to hers. He did not believe that i can do kihibirania to him.
I booked myself a cheaper one, only one bed with no TV like the others. I went back to the bar to see if i can get a person of out to climb but the few i see are all chewing miraa. That putted me off and i went back to my room. When i almost get sleep, i heard my phone cry. Looking who was calling, i saw it was the girl. I picked and i head this beautiful voice say
"Si u come join me.. its cold here and there is something i want to tell you....' I did not wait for another sentence. I dressed up and went down to buy makobosto, before going to her room very fast. I knew there was chances of eating somebody and i did not want to risk going without makobosto.
When i enter, she telled me Theuri was in her room and she refused to remove Thuruari again and when Theuri realized that she was not going to be climbed, he left the room in protest. She telled me that from the stories i had given her, she filled for herself that indeed, Theuri was a big prostitute. She remminded me of an incidence Theuri was winking at a girl that come with another group and he had taken her number. To me, that was very usual, so i did not notice it as big deal. I telled her i am a gentleman and so, she should not fear. She still had her thuruari on but her bra was removed. In my head, i knew Theuri had been sucking those small hard Brookside.
I entered bed and slowly slowly. with no hurry at all, touched her until she get on heat. Still fearing that she will jump the muclimbano story, i removed her Theuruari. I did not borrow nor tell her i have intention of climbing her becauswe id did not want to be telled it is our first day on bed together. After all, if she jumped the story, i will simply blame the Meru budas that buy alot of beer for us.
When she see i am removing her thuruari, she telled me "niki urageria? umenye gutiri undu tureka (What are you trying? know that we are not going to do anything. ). I told her she should trust me. She then asked why i was then removing her thuruari which i said, i want to make her feel like a woman. When she allowed me to pull her thuriari off, I played with her brookeside and tiita until she asked me "uko na cd?"
This was the first person I ramnyad until she cry like baby. Not moaning, crying like person being beaten by nyahunyo and it hurts very bad. "iiii iiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" until tears come out. I ranmyand three jotis and all jotis she cry. Later, i told her i dont like the way she cry when getting climbed and she stopped completely.
Tommorow morning, Theuri come to knock, maybe to try his luch again. I went to open and when he see its me he just say "ngai ngai ngai .. wanjohi!!" before i closed the door on his face.
When we meet at restaurant to eat breakfast, i closed one eye on him and said "Munene, Itairi muting'oe.. ri.. uhuragwo ngi nu? (Big man, without tail, who wipes ngis for it?). He showed me middle finger salute and telled me "mangai ninjui uranjininiire kinya ndiraiganira (I know you welded me until i was fixed). We goed back to Nairobi and Theuri vowed to eat her and record himself so that he come show me. When we go back, we sit with her at backseat. Theuri set drives mirror to see us well because he could not believe.
Theuri later called her many times, she go drink his beer, then refuse to enter room until Theuri gave up. From that day, i eat her until the time she got married to a guy i know. The guy doent know me but she telled me not to call with my Safcom number because the man knows it offhead. But fortunately, he doesnt know me by face.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
There is this person i climbed many days and even today, her hole has remained a mystery to me. I think i have telled you about that person in my earlier stories. She is the girl i telled you that she sounded like she had sand in her hole. Very very rough terrains and hot. In all the cases i climbed her, i used to pour very fast. I used to climb her with makobosto before but when we got used, i hit the wall with makobosto so that i feel the terrain first hand. She complained and complained until she had to live with my fast pouring.. kuku style. When getting climbed, she used to first lie down still and allow me to insert all josto inside. Once josto is inside, she let me try to get rhythm. I remove small, then enter again in speed. When she see i almost have rhythm and josto is well lubricated, she raises one leg up and put in my back to hold me against her firmly, then raises herself up small and twists her hips. That stylo, coupled with the sandy sandy texture inside her hot hole, can make even the person who have swallowed a full packet of viagra pour in two minutes. And to make matters worse, it invited everything stored inside my testicles, so, to get a second joti was so almost imposible.
Those days, i had not discovered Kamagra though. But one thing i liked about her is that she liked me just like that. Even today, because she got married to a guy i know very well, although he does not know me, she call me many times. She tell me she still love me and says she want my josto again but only if i improved my pouring prowess.She had to get saved to marry that man, so i believe her saveness was just for njaro.. just to get a husband that is not spoilt. Whenever the husband is away, she comes where we are drinking during day time and she kamatas two or three Tusker malts. I dont like that idea at all because the bible say, "he that will make one of my sheep lost, i will put Githii on his neck" (unfortunately, i dont know swahili or english word for githii, but in long word, it is the machine that turn maize into unga). I dont want any Githii on my neck, so, i have stopped picking her calls. I also dont want any temptation of eating her because it is sin to eat or even convert somebody's person.
It took me a while before climbing her and when i did, i did it in style. I say in style because i had landed on foot and most of my bills, it was Theuri that was paying.
After finishing college, she believed i was influential enough, or had enough friends able to get her a job. Although i known many people, none of them were capable of writing her a good job. But she kept on disturbing me. I then remembered my good friend Theuri. Although i fear Theuri will climb her before me, i decided to put the interest of the girl before muclimbano. I knew that if i helped her get job, one day she will remember me and remove Thuruari roho safi, without coercion or out of desperation.
I telled Theuri about that girl and he said if she is climbable, he will get her a job. I told him that that was my person and if he helped her, he has as well helped me. He said he will and also promised not to touched her or borrow her things. Theuri cannot be believed in some things, but i had to give him the benefits of doubt.
I introduced her to Theuri one Friday evening. When she come, Theuri buys water like brewery is closing down. As we beat water, Theuri telled her that on Monday, she consider herself employed. But it was true, Theuri had called one guy who wanted a cute sales person of female origin. I dont know why people always want cute this and cute that. If you hear a person like that, it is the kind that climb people that they have employed. But i had no problem, as long as the girl benefited. I have climbed several myself, will beat the story to you later, but only that have drama to be telled here.
Tomorrow of that day, we were going to Meru to pay dowry for a friend's wife. I was getting lifted by Theuri because my Taxi could not reach Meru because of its age and again, when i was not taxing it, i used to give squad to drivers of squad. That meant, whether i am there or not, my taxi was still making small money.
From the look of things, i saw my girl and Theuri were entering one another so much. She liked all stories of Theuri. I knew in my mind that i had to do something very quickly so that Theuri does not eat the person before me. When Theuri go out to go to latrine, i pinch the person and say " uyu ni mumaraya ariangi makehera. We menya uria uku deal nake na ugi niguo akuonere wira, no thuruari waruta ndukauge ndiakuirire" (This is prostitute, others are nothing. You know how to deal with him clever until he get you a job. If you remove Thuruari, dont say i did not tell you)
But when Theuri comes back from latrine and start his stories, i see the lady still want him more and because i know Theuri is a verbal diarrhearer, i decided to cleverly bring a dirty topic of him eating a person of out, either he abandons them in club or room or promise them money but fails to deliver. But no matter how many people Theuri say he eat and where and when, and how cold or oceanic they were, my person still wanted to hear more and i see like she like him more.
After we drink enough, Theuri invite her to go with us to Meru tomorrow morning, which she agreed. Then, Theuri whispered to me and say "gaka ndathie kuigagura o ma. ndirona kena mukio muingi. Reke rucio ngakuhe uhoro" (This one i have gone to thank myself. She is too horny, tomorrow i will tell you). I felt gikindi in my throat but since i had drunked his beer, i could not fight back. Again, if he left us with the lady, i could not afford to drop her or pay taxi for her.
Theuri dropped me at my stage to take matatu home and then, they proceeded to Eastleigh to climb her from there. That night, i did not get sleep. All along, i imagined how Theuri was turning my person like hot ugali. Tomorrow, we meet along Thika road with many others so that we go together. Theuri came and telled me:
"kamundu gaku ni gashenji muno. nikararegire kuruta thuruari, ndiragatigania rumu na matano hau methaine" (Your person si very shenzi type. I leave her in room after she refused to remove Thuruari and left 500 bob for her there). In my head, i knew he was lying to me although it is rare for him to lie about climbing. He would rather lie that he climbed somebody he did not climb than say he did not. But i knowed there were some truth when he then said:
"No umuthi turarara meru. Ira karanjirire gatingihe na riambere. Umuthi rikiri ria mbere mundu wakwa?" (today, we will sleep in Meru, yesterday she said she cannot give me on the first day. today is not first day, my person?). I asked him "Nikii mundu wakwa unyunuhaga uu. ndukenda kuyona ngiria kindu kiega? (Why do you do that to me. Dont you want me to eat good things?) which he said "Ndigithia, aranjirire muri o arata. I ndui ndingiria handu urite? (stop me. She told me you are just good friends. You know i cannot eat somewhere you have eaten). That told me that the lady had jumped me. But having been used to many persons of out that turn to people with more things, i decided to swallow that and live with it.
When she showed up, i see she greet Theuri with warm heart and when she came to me she said "giki kimundu giaku nigikigu ma i. Kireira ati nie no ndikihe. Nie itakiri mumaraya!" (this ki person of yours is stupid. He thinks i can give him. Me is not a person of trap!). I am the kind that reads between the lines but this one was not easy. I knew there was 50 50 chance that she was climbed and no woman will come and say to another man how she was climbed, unless she is of devil. When it was time to leave for Meru, she hoped onto the front pasager seat. As we go to Meru, Theuri tell us alot of stories and we all like including muclimbano.
When we finish uthoni, we went to a bar in Maua town. Maua is a place of its kind. We entered many of us and chafuad the place but no one seems to be bothered by our presence. They did not even turn to look who are these people destroying their bar by drinking like it is December. The locals, because they all have money have no shuguli with visitors. If such visitors come to Kigogoine, you will see all types of people milling around there, borrowing beer or giving stories of giants to visitors so that they get beer from them.
As we drink, Theuri keep 'my' girl to his side. Theuri, like previous day buys water without ending. Theuri was occasionally talking to one guy in a group of others who was talking Alsorps and in that confusion, he buyed him a beer. The group turned and asked
"Murume... who are this people that buy beer with discrimination?" One man looked at us and said we are still young, we cant afford beer as yet. He then sended waiter to bring us 2 beers each, a total of 22 beers. We drunked and Theuri said "aya mendaga gucogothwo uguo. Mbeca ciatigariire natuthuri tutu twa miraa" (this people want like that. Money remained here with this wazees of Miraa). As night progressed, we praised them and that earned us more rounds. When we attempt to buy them back, they talk bad and say they did not come to bar to be bought beer by young boys like us.
When it was time to sleep, i tell the girl that she will be climbed by Theuri, the big prostitute. I telled her that Theuri climb three women in one night and sometimes does not even use Makobosto. The girl got scared and when we went to take rooms, she said she want to sleep in her own room. Theuri, thinking it is her trick not to let me know that she is getting climbed by him, paid her room quickly. He then booked another one next to hers. He did not believe that i can do kihibirania to him.
I booked myself a cheaper one, only one bed with no TV like the others. I went back to the bar to see if i can get a person of out to climb but the few i see are all chewing miraa. That putted me off and i went back to my room. When i almost get sleep, i heard my phone cry. Looking who was calling, i saw it was the girl. I picked and i head this beautiful voice say
"Si u come join me.. its cold here and there is something i want to tell you....' I did not wait for another sentence. I dressed up and went down to buy makobosto, before going to her room very fast. I knew there was chances of eating somebody and i did not want to risk going without makobosto.
When i enter, she telled me Theuri was in her room and she refused to remove Thuruari again and when Theuri realized that she was not going to be climbed, he left the room in protest. She telled me that from the stories i had given her, she filled for herself that indeed, Theuri was a big prostitute. She remminded me of an incidence Theuri was winking at a girl that come with another group and he had taken her number. To me, that was very usual, so i did not notice it as big deal. I telled her i am a gentleman and so, she should not fear. She still had her thuruari on but her bra was removed. In my head, i knew Theuri had been sucking those small hard Brookside.
I entered bed and slowly slowly. with no hurry at all, touched her until she get on heat. Still fearing that she will jump the muclimbano story, i removed her Theuruari. I did not borrow nor tell her i have intention of climbing her becauswe id did not want to be telled it is our first day on bed together. After all, if she jumped the story, i will simply blame the Meru budas that buy alot of beer for us.
When she see i am removing her thuruari, she telled me "niki urageria? umenye gutiri undu tureka (What are you trying? know that we are not going to do anything. ). I told her she should trust me. She then asked why i was then removing her thuruari which i said, i want to make her feel like a woman. When she allowed me to pull her thuriari off, I played with her brookeside and tiita until she asked me "uko na cd?"
This was the first person I ramnyad until she cry like baby. Not moaning, crying like person being beaten by nyahunyo and it hurts very bad. "iiii iiiiiii iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" until tears come out. I ranmyand three jotis and all jotis she cry. Later, i told her i dont like the way she cry when getting climbed and she stopped completely.
Tommorow morning, Theuri come to knock, maybe to try his luch again. I went to open and when he see its me he just say "ngai ngai ngai .. wanjohi!!" before i closed the door on his face.
When we meet at restaurant to eat breakfast, i closed one eye on him and said "Munene, Itairi muting'oe.. ri.. uhuragwo ngi nu? (Big man, without tail, who wipes ngis for it?). He showed me middle finger salute and telled me "mangai ninjui uranjininiire kinya ndiraiganira (I know you welded me until i was fixed). We goed back to Nairobi and Theuri vowed to eat her and record himself so that he come show me. When we go back, we sit with her at backseat. Theuri set drives mirror to see us well because he could not believe.
Theuri later called her many times, she go drink his beer, then refuse to enter room until Theuri gave up. From that day, i eat her until the time she got married to a guy i know. The guy doent know me but she telled me not to call with my Safcom number because the man knows it offhead. But fortunately, he doesnt know me by face.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Friday, June 3, 2011
Unexpected Windfall That Never Was.
Being in business, it is like a coin, it has both the Kenyatta side and the simba side. The Kenyatta side is when you are seeing money with eyes life life. The simba side is when things become elephant. If you have never been in business, you may never understand some things. But you can ask your boss, who at this time, maybe, is scratching his testicles because he has no idea where he will get money to pay your salary and end month has passed with three days.
Theuri and myself have seen all sides and we liked all of them, or rather, we have learned from both. We started partnering with Theuris long time. In one of the venture we had together, the devil entered and stayed small inside. What that meant was that we were turned on the simba side of coin. Money became a vocabulary for quite a while. We literally landed on foot.
One Friday, we remembered an account we operated together at the first paperless bank in Kenya. In that bank, we operated a corporate account because all city kanjo people had their accounts there and to differentiate from the Kanjos, we opened a corporate account. In that account, we remembered that we had 2000 bob in excess of the mandatory minimum operating balance for a corporate account. The minimum balance, that we couldn't withdraw was Kshs. 3500.
Since Friday had come and we had not beaten any deal, we decided to withdraw the 2k. A K each was enough to drink until morning then. We had to go the two of us in the bank because the mandate was "two to sign." We were also planning to sweet talk the cashier and allow us wipe out everything, including the minumum balance so that in total, we walk with 5k.
Because i felt ashamed to enter together just to bargain to withdraw the minimum balance, i telled Theuri to go and sweettalk the cashier alone and if they hear one another, he call me when it is time for signing.
When Theuri ask how much is balance, they telled him its 600k. He immediately sensed a problem and asked again. Instead of him coming out and tell me the good news about the balance in account, he called me in. I went and thought the cashier had refused to buy his idea. I greeted the cashier who was friendly to us all time. Then, i asked the balance from him. He said its 600 (without saying its 600k). then asked:
"Tungiruta cigana?" (How much can we remove?)
"No murute 600" he said. (you can remove 600). I looked at him with sad face and started to beg we remove 5k then on Monday we return the operating balance.
The cashier looked at us and said "ni sawa, no muruta upto 600, murenda cigana inyue?" (Its ok, you can remove upto 600, how much do you want?). He then smile and say we love joking too much. I was not understanding him too much and so i continued to beg.
When Theuri see i dont catch anything, he pinched me to close my mouth and asked the cashier to print for us the balance in the account. When i see the balance in account is 600k, i smiled broadly. But i was sure there was a problem somewhere, so i started to pray to God to confuse the cashier until we withdraw.
Quickly, i changed withdraw '5k' to "reke turuke igana rimue" (Lets remove 100k.). He printed the receipt and gave us to sign the carbon copy. As he counted the money, we laugh loudly with Theuri because we know it is problem somewhere, but we say in our heart that when they know, we will just refund. When we laugh more, he look at us and laugh too and tell Theuri "Mangai we ugakua ndi bafu. uri urimu muingi ma i. Kwanyu niku?" (True god, you will die while i am in bathroom. you have too many childish. Where do u some from?). Theuri telled him that it is because we have decided that from monday, we will be coming in the morning to the bank, drink their tea that is reserved for corporate customers and after, we go back to our offices like what some people we know do, pretending they have come for services.
When we go out, we say with Theuri we should go to another branch and remove all remaining money. By the time we reached to another branch, it was already locked. We cased that tomorrow, we will go to the head office and wipe all money. That day, after sharing each 50k, we went to Magomano and put two chickens, then called some of our friends that had thrown us away when we were broke for sometime because we borrow beer too much from them. We tell them to eat and drink and even call their persons to eat and drink for free. We then budgeted the money. Theuri tell me that free money cannot be put in business so we need to think what to do with that money.
On Saturday, we walked in confidence to the head office branch. Theuri had even sweettalked me to loan him 100k although i tell him that that is story of giants. We entered the cubicle and gave out the account. We telled the cashier we want to withdraw 500k.
When she keyed in the account on her computer, we saw her look at us, then walked out and went to the manager's office. She then came back and telled us there is a small problem with our account, we follow her to the managers office.
Before going to office, theuri telled me "hai, mundu, anga niki umanu. turoretio forithi riu" (I think it has bitten each other. We are being taken to police. I told him nothing like that can happen because it was not our mistake.
When we entered the managers office, the manager looked at us and gave us seat. He then started "Good morning. Wanjohi and Theuri.?"
We said morning back and shaking all body parts that hang. He then continued "There was money that was deposited in your account by mistake. We regret the error. And we see you remove 100k. Your account is overdrawn and we request you to clear the overdrawn balance as soon as possible."
He explained to us that a person came to deposit money and he erred with one number, thereby making money come to our account. He however telled us we have no sin because we did not know and our account was used to enter such money.
We knew the death of monkey had come. In my village, we say when death of monkey come, all tree trezas. We told him we had thouted it was our money and we will pay on Monday. We walked out dejected and feeling bad. Theuri blamed me for the predicament because he say i was planning to eat people of trap as a way of thanking myself. I did not talk back because that same day we shared the 100k, Theuri eat a person of trap and her side kick, same same day.
After some few weeks, we falled a good deal that we were paid by cheque. We deposited it in that corporate account. After the check cooked, we went to the same cashier that pay us 100k. He laughed until he want to fall down. He told us that he suspected the deposit had problem because of the way we behave. He refuse to know why we beg to withdraw 5k, yet the account was reading 600k balance. After he noticed something queer, he decided to investigate further. He called the branch from where the deposit was made and asked them to investigate. They saw that the money was deposited in our account by problem. In that bank, you shout your account number because it is paperless. The guy shouted the wrong account and thats how the money found its way in our account. And i think his boss is a jinga type because he doent cross check the deposit slip.
All in all, had Theuri been wise enough, he would have walked out after getting the balance and tell me of the anomaly from where i was seated outside the waiting area. We would have drawn there there how to vuka with 600k just like that. That is why i say, everybody is a thief, including you. The only thing we weigh is the risk of thiefing. The reason why you dont thief so often is because you find the risk too high or not worth it.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Theuri and myself have seen all sides and we liked all of them, or rather, we have learned from both. We started partnering with Theuris long time. In one of the venture we had together, the devil entered and stayed small inside. What that meant was that we were turned on the simba side of coin. Money became a vocabulary for quite a while. We literally landed on foot.
One Friday, we remembered an account we operated together at the first paperless bank in Kenya. In that bank, we operated a corporate account because all city kanjo people had their accounts there and to differentiate from the Kanjos, we opened a corporate account. In that account, we remembered that we had 2000 bob in excess of the mandatory minimum operating balance for a corporate account. The minimum balance, that we couldn't withdraw was Kshs. 3500.
Since Friday had come and we had not beaten any deal, we decided to withdraw the 2k. A K each was enough to drink until morning then. We had to go the two of us in the bank because the mandate was "two to sign." We were also planning to sweet talk the cashier and allow us wipe out everything, including the minumum balance so that in total, we walk with 5k.
Because i felt ashamed to enter together just to bargain to withdraw the minimum balance, i telled Theuri to go and sweettalk the cashier alone and if they hear one another, he call me when it is time for signing.
When Theuri ask how much is balance, they telled him its 600k. He immediately sensed a problem and asked again. Instead of him coming out and tell me the good news about the balance in account, he called me in. I went and thought the cashier had refused to buy his idea. I greeted the cashier who was friendly to us all time. Then, i asked the balance from him. He said its 600 (without saying its 600k). then asked:
"Tungiruta cigana?" (How much can we remove?)
"No murute 600" he said. (you can remove 600). I looked at him with sad face and started to beg we remove 5k then on Monday we return the operating balance.
The cashier looked at us and said "ni sawa, no muruta upto 600, murenda cigana inyue?" (Its ok, you can remove upto 600, how much do you want?). He then smile and say we love joking too much. I was not understanding him too much and so i continued to beg.
When Theuri see i dont catch anything, he pinched me to close my mouth and asked the cashier to print for us the balance in the account. When i see the balance in account is 600k, i smiled broadly. But i was sure there was a problem somewhere, so i started to pray to God to confuse the cashier until we withdraw.
Quickly, i changed withdraw '5k' to "reke turuke igana rimue" (Lets remove 100k.). He printed the receipt and gave us to sign the carbon copy. As he counted the money, we laugh loudly with Theuri because we know it is problem somewhere, but we say in our heart that when they know, we will just refund. When we laugh more, he look at us and laugh too and tell Theuri "Mangai we ugakua ndi bafu. uri urimu muingi ma i. Kwanyu niku?" (True god, you will die while i am in bathroom. you have too many childish. Where do u some from?). Theuri telled him that it is because we have decided that from monday, we will be coming in the morning to the bank, drink their tea that is reserved for corporate customers and after, we go back to our offices like what some people we know do, pretending they have come for services.
When we go out, we say with Theuri we should go to another branch and remove all remaining money. By the time we reached to another branch, it was already locked. We cased that tomorrow, we will go to the head office and wipe all money. That day, after sharing each 50k, we went to Magomano and put two chickens, then called some of our friends that had thrown us away when we were broke for sometime because we borrow beer too much from them. We tell them to eat and drink and even call their persons to eat and drink for free. We then budgeted the money. Theuri tell me that free money cannot be put in business so we need to think what to do with that money.
On Saturday, we walked in confidence to the head office branch. Theuri had even sweettalked me to loan him 100k although i tell him that that is story of giants. We entered the cubicle and gave out the account. We telled the cashier we want to withdraw 500k.
When she keyed in the account on her computer, we saw her look at us, then walked out and went to the manager's office. She then came back and telled us there is a small problem with our account, we follow her to the managers office.
Before going to office, theuri telled me "hai, mundu, anga niki umanu. turoretio forithi riu" (I think it has bitten each other. We are being taken to police. I told him nothing like that can happen because it was not our mistake.
When we entered the managers office, the manager looked at us and gave us seat. He then started "Good morning. Wanjohi and Theuri.?"
We said morning back and shaking all body parts that hang. He then continued "There was money that was deposited in your account by mistake. We regret the error. And we see you remove 100k. Your account is overdrawn and we request you to clear the overdrawn balance as soon as possible."
He explained to us that a person came to deposit money and he erred with one number, thereby making money come to our account. He however telled us we have no sin because we did not know and our account was used to enter such money.
We knew the death of monkey had come. In my village, we say when death of monkey come, all tree trezas. We told him we had thouted it was our money and we will pay on Monday. We walked out dejected and feeling bad. Theuri blamed me for the predicament because he say i was planning to eat people of trap as a way of thanking myself. I did not talk back because that same day we shared the 100k, Theuri eat a person of trap and her side kick, same same day.
After some few weeks, we falled a good deal that we were paid by cheque. We deposited it in that corporate account. After the check cooked, we went to the same cashier that pay us 100k. He laughed until he want to fall down. He told us that he suspected the deposit had problem because of the way we behave. He refuse to know why we beg to withdraw 5k, yet the account was reading 600k balance. After he noticed something queer, he decided to investigate further. He called the branch from where the deposit was made and asked them to investigate. They saw that the money was deposited in our account by problem. In that bank, you shout your account number because it is paperless. The guy shouted the wrong account and thats how the money found its way in our account. And i think his boss is a jinga type because he doent cross check the deposit slip.
All in all, had Theuri been wise enough, he would have walked out after getting the balance and tell me of the anomaly from where i was seated outside the waiting area. We would have drawn there there how to vuka with 600k just like that. That is why i say, everybody is a thief, including you. The only thing we weigh is the risk of thiefing. The reason why you dont thief so often is because you find the risk too high or not worth it.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Why I No Longer Go to Strippers Clubs
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