The Wrath of Sleeping Out.

Some things happens and when they happen, they are not good.  One of them is when you go to a room with a person and when you wake up, you see sun in the middle of the sky. That, in other words mean, you slept out.

Many of us, atleast once, you have found yourself sleeping out without your will.

I remember my first time to sleep out. My very first muclimbano after i got myself a pm. There was this person Theuri wanted me to eat. Its like he was getting paid. I had even left beer for  sometime. He refused to know where he will be getting company if i reformed. I think thats where he got the idea of pushing the person to me. 

One day, he brought me this person. She looked like sun, and talked good and could converse fluently in Saps. As usual, I did not drink beer but bought rounds. I still remember even where were were seated that day, at Citrus Inn. When i went to the latrine, Theuri told the person that not to mind too much, i am kinda fala. I need to be touched touched to bring life back to me.

When I can, the person started to touch touch me. I did not touch back. You can get the picture of a sobber holy man. Theur would close eye on her and tell her to soldier on. I did not take me long before my josto started to stand small small.
I said bad is bad. I will climb her one joti, and thereafter, refuse to pick calls.

We went to some rooms behind Stima. As per the devil's plan, I climbed and felt soo good. It was long time before I had smelled a hole of out.  I said i put myself small, then climb another one before heading home.  I relaxed myself, reminiscing how tiita of out has become good nowadays.

Even before i finished blinking, i heard door being knocked. Then, the knocker  said in loud voice "wewe tupa mashuka nahuku inje. Masaa imeeda sana". On removing blanket from my head, I saw sun rays through the wondow. I looked at my watch. That told me that it was following day.

I refused to know and shook all over. I then putted my phone on. Over 200 messages entered. 195 were from the PM. The rest, one from Theuri, and the rest from my extended family.

Immediately Theuri saw delivery report, he called and said "mundu, kai utanainuka. Mama yaku ihuriire thimu ta 30, kinya ndimuira turatiganire thaa thita". (Your pm called me, like 30 times, unitl i told her we left each other at mid night)

There there, i knew i had been sold. What followed were calls from the entire clan asking where i slept. I did not have an answer because i had not mastered the art of lying then. I decided to call the PM.  She was crying like a baby. She asked me not to tell her anything, because she suspects where i slept. What followed can be writen in a full novel. Mogadishu is better.

But that is nothing compared to yours and Theuri's.

Few days ago, i was drinking with Theuri and some others you dont know. As usualy, Theuri had a person of out that looked like Sun.  A person that even lives in her own house that she does not share with anyone. Either male or another female.

Theuri was drinking John Walker, a stuff that make me want to disappear in thin air. One, because of its price. Two, If i drink hard stuff, they rub my memory. I do things and tomorrow when people ask me what i was doing, I feel sorry for myself. As night progressed, Theuri and his person disappeared.

Its not out of the ordinary for a man to disappear with a person of out. Unless you are from mars, you obviously know what they have gone to do. Climbin.

Folliwng day, Theuri called me. He said things are fire. He asked me where i was and when he told me he had a story of giants and was also going to buy two, I told him.

When he came, he started "Reke ngwire, huai ndaumutiga ri, ndinainuka. Ndiiguire kiroko" (Last night when i left you, i felt myself in the morning). That statement alone first made us fall under table. Under the table because, for sure, we knew he was under hot soup. His pm was well aware that that he was in the hood all evening. More hotter soup becaue his pm comes from Nyeri.

We asked him how. He said, he went to drop the person. He had no intention of eating someone because Jonny Walker had made him refuse to know himself. Small time, as he was stretching himself, he felt something he is not used to everyday. Firm brookie. He first refused to know, because, this brookie sounded like they have never been sucked, unlike his pm's.

He lifted his head and looked who this person was. It was the person he was with at the club the previous day. He looked at time. It was 10 AM, in the morning. He was as naked as being born. In his phone, there were over 10 missed calls from his pm. All starting at 7AM. His pm knows that he drinks beer until morning but not past 5am, so, this was usual.

When he heard he was naked, he touched his tree to feel it it ate someone without makobosto. He  felt that it had not entered any hole. He said bad is bad, he cant sleep out and still fail to eat. He sucked brookie of the person, although still refusing to know what to tell pm, then raamnyad until he poured.

After, he now refused to know what to do. He though of lies. The best one that came was to tell the pm that he slept inside. Not inside of a person, but inside of a police station.

He picked his phone and dialed his pm's number, although shaking all parts, including ear.  When his pm picked, he said "ona ndukanjurie kiuria ona ki thaa ici. Tamba undumire ngiri ithano. O riu. Ndi forithi Athi river" (Dont ask me anything right now, I am locked in police station, Send me 5 k to bail me out.

Pm's, always have a sixth sense. She asked which police because he wanted to come bail her herself. Theuri thought of the farthest and said 'Naguku Rongai. Uka rongai basi, no wambe utume to guku no sufering muno. " (Here in Rongai, you can come, but before, send the money because we are suffering).  Theuri continued  "Ndina mbeca ngariine na ni nyingi, na ndirenda mamenye ndinacio, otherwise makuria ciothe. We hang'a naihenya" (I even have money in car, but i dont want them to know. Otherwise, police will eat it all).

Small time, he felt his phone, titititi. On checking, it was an mpesa message. The pm then started to ask why he was arrested. He said he was arrested to driving under the influence. He had gone to drop off a friend and on reaching Rongai supermarkets, they were stopped and told to put air on something. That something showed red, meaning, he had taken more than the government allowss.

After small time, enough time to remove from Athi River to his hood, he went drove home

His pm, although looking at him suspiciously told him to first shower because it would not be good for a person that slept inside to enter bed without showering. He showered and went to bed.

When he woke up, he saw his pm look at him straight in the eyes. This how pm's test their men if they had climbed somebody out. If you look elsewhere,  you are confiming 100% that you ate someone. So, Theuri kazanad with the stare, looking at his pm directly in her eyes, almost burning a hole due to stare.

On looking at the pm at 18, he saw she was doubting him. He decided to take her to a shopping spree at Sarit centre.

Before he continued, we told him that he sold himself. By doing that, you are pleading guilty as charged. Those are sure signs of post muclimbano of out.

If you are a pm and your man comes late and showers you with gifts and doing things he doesnt do in the ordinary, there is something behind that veil. Investigate further. I can assure you, without  fear of even being contradicted.

Like if i was Theuri's pm, i would have asked him to remove all clothes and put them there. One by one, smell all of them, and if i did not hear them smell of police station, i would tell him to cook another story, before i batter him proper.

If that doent work right, I'd smell his josto. If it smell funny, I would tell him to sleep at his own risk, because, when he wakes up, he would be nyeeless.

If that dont work still,  I would tell him to drive back to Rongai.  If the OB does not show any of Theuri's name, I would tell him to call people of TV and Njoka Nderitu because shortly, there will be news of interest.

Just incase this is not over, we can help Theuri to add salt to his lies. Or what lies do you give/do you get when your man sleeps out.


I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine