Persons Of Out Of Today

It is evident that to get a good person of out that can make a pm these days in Nairobi is like saying we have oil in Isiolo. Not oil in pumps, but underground. Somehow, there is and somehow, there is not. To get is the problem.  That is why i feel so much for young people searching for pms. Their tiitas look like they have share button and like button. Anyone can like or share their tiitas.

I am not trying to paint a dim picture here, but I have been around for sometimes and i can attest that persons of nowadays are not what we used to have during our times. I cry for the young men because most persons of this days, majority walk with thuruari on head. And those that dont walk with thuruari on head put it on head as soon as two or there black ices passes through their throat.

The other day, I saw a person that looked like sun. You cant even imagin. She was walking limping. When i asked why she was limping, I was told in ear "karaguriiruo njohi ira ni mundu, arafu aragakua.  ona gatiraririkana nu. Kahuritwo bobo cia kwa nyeni' (She was boughted water jana by a person, then he carried her.  She does not even know the person.

During our 'youth', persons that used to put rice on peoples drinks were old momos, exclusively at citrus and sabina joy. This days, persons that put medicine all look like sun, and majority of them are college and university pupils, and the rest, work in salons. And to make it worse, they are all persons of people. There is  a man somewhere that says, 'my girlfriend is a pupil at xyz uni"

I am saying this because, even those that were married yesterday, they dont say so in public.

This lack of announcing has put some of us in situations, we would not ordinarily ever want to find ourselves in. I told you that i cant climb someone's pm knowingly. Their lack of announcing has led me several times to find myself in the middle of their legs. Who to blame?

This is how it happened. As you all know, most of my activities are centered along rifa rori.

As i told you before, there is a golden rule when a new person is written job in those stalls.  The golden rule is, you jump on a new person so fast before cobwebs have been removed. Fast enough before she knows that they can make so much money from men before removing thuruari.

You see all those persons that looks like sun in those stalls? When they first reported to those exhibitions, they looked like something funny.  Putting on sports shoes with skirts, putting thurari that show line,  not knowing that Redds is beer and also, believing that wakigogoine can keep you.

I remember one person Theuri blames me upto today for spending a whooping 8k on clads alone.  She looked like sun from far, but shags mundu, especially when it came to dressing.  I took him to a place and convinced him to buy her some nice clads (from a person i wanted to climb). After he bought, he only ate her for two times. After that, men had started to queue, showing her more happy than Theuri even did.  As we are talking, she is now a pm to someone, but she still shares her things with friends and mutual friends.

The other disadvantage of letting a new persons stay long enough before climbing in rifa rori is, they will be told by other persons who've been there long enough that you are of childish. I told you of one person that called her friends to come meet her 'man', none other than yours truly. The persons laughed on the side when they were shown me because they knew me like palm win.  Tomorrow, they asked her "Ati, uratuirire ucio murari nake nu? (Who did you tell that person you were with is?). The person said 'some  sweet guy called wanjohi. Her new found love, a sweet man that is going to even set a shop for her once she learns how to do business in exhibitions". They were being collected under the table laughing. They then told her  "uui. wi thutha ta mbathi ya riakanau. ucio ni mumaraya wa mundurume. Aingira karima kau gaku ndukamuona ringi " (uui, you are back like Riakanu buses. That is a trapper of man. Once he enters your hole, you will never see him again). Now, to avoid such situation, the best thing is to pounce on a person long before your name is destroyed.

That is why when  this person was written, I pounced on her so fast before she was told I am a trapper of man. She looked like sun. Tall, just a little malnourished, thutha very good, yellow yellow and to cap it all, yes, a Cambodian.

First first days, i closed one eye on her. She smiled. Same week, i behaved like a very good man and boughted her lunch two days. chips and chicken from Kenchick, not "Munyiri ships  and shicken along Luthuri". Same week, I told her that I wanted to take her somewhere, she will eat and drink until she felt enough. Its not easy to say no to the leader especially where you will eat and drink.

On sato, my tree standed the whole day, just by looking at the person and believing that my tree will sleep inside her tiita.  In the evening, I hooked up with Theuri and the crew. As usual, Theuri has one with no teeth. It kind gave me fear because, I feared he might snatch her. But I was more confortable because, she did not understand or speak Greek. Theuri looks on the other side if a person does not understand Greek because he says he does not like speaking english or sheng.

This time, we did not go to magomano. We went to Grace villa when a guy that usd to sing Mugithi with Piano. As we gave the person water, i realized that she was not drinking fast enough as i would have wanted. You know how we laugh on the side when person start refusing to know themselves. Refusing to know means thuari on head.  For you to be guaranteed thuari on head, you must feed the person enough water.

Just before 11, she told me that she does not like getting late. This told me that  she does not sleep out, which meant that she does not get climbed often. I felt good.

She asked me to drop her off to her hood in (deleted).

We walked to the car, same spot i told you before, where police wait for people that climbanas in the car.  Once in the car, we started to talk small as I tried to persuade her to remain another one hour or so. I putted car on fire and before driving off, I pulled the person to kiss small. the person was like waiting for that. We kissed and kissed until i switched off the engine.

Once in the car,  I tried to look calm as my tree started to test the strenth of my zip, just by imagining that there was some possibilities of me climbing this person.  Without uttering a word, I ran my fingers over her hand , just to test waters if she will get on heat or rather, if she has thuauri on head.

As we kissed, she puled herself to me and kissed me passionately. She took her hand and put it on tree, rubbing it small small and feeling the zig zag nature of it. I then  pulled her close to me and ran my hand her thigh and unzipped her trouser, then forced my hand to feel if tiita was wet. Involuntary, or rather by reflex action, she pulled her trouser and thuruari  and threw them on back seat.

There there, i jumped on her brookie and started to suck as the other hand worked on her tiita. When inserting finger, i felt kinda resistance. In my head, it telled me that she had only been climbed once by a little boy.

I then reached down and flipped the knob that slid the seat back far enough, then  climbed over and positioned myself above her. She  opened her legs, putting one leg in the driver's seat and hanging the other one on the dashboard.

Since seeing tiita is believing, it is only when she putted legs like that tht I rolled down makobosto, and believing she was a virgin, I told her in ear, "sweerie,  its going to  hurt small, but i will do my best not to hurt you. Your kamonie appears so small"  She did not appear interested in my stories , she  just looked like she was dying to have me insert my josto on her kamonie.

 On inserting my tree, I felt it go inside without any resistance. I refused to know how a tiita that had only been climbed by a small boy could allow my zig zag enter with no resistance. I however told myself that she was extremely lubricated, that was the reason.

I pumped and pumped but the beer in me and her many waters made my tree resistance to  any utam coming from her tiita.  Immediately, devil entered  me and whispered to me "burst makobosto deliberatively, after all, it was long since she was climbed". 

I stopped pumping and kissed her small. I then, i said I dont listed to devil. To burst is not good. I better ask for permission to remove. I told her in ear "Swirrie, nitoe cd?"

The person did not even waste one second. She replied 'Unaona aje?" I said 'naona nitoe"."toa basi" she replied .

Before she finished saying that, I removed makobosto and threw them on dashboard. I know most of out are saying "how could you?". I talk the truth. Where i dint remove, i say i didnt remove. Where it burst, i say it burst. Where i pour fast, i say so. Its wrong but I removed.

I then returned my tree, slowly on her tiita until all of it finished inside. I drilled and drilled. Before, she was not saying loud mbus, only small fake ones.  Now, she started to say mbus in loud voice  "uuuii aaaahhh sssss uuuu nanguvu.. waaa aaaa".

I ramnyad person until she poured, long before i did. After she poured, i forced myself to pour and poured. For those refusing to know how to force yourself how to pour, there are two ways. One, put a picture of a person that looks like sun. It does not work always though. The other way, is to stretch yourself, very hard, all body, as if you are looking for muscle puul. Pour will come out, guaranteed.

After I poured, I started to regret how I ramnyad like that. But still, something in my head was telling me that she had only been ramnywad long time ago.

After that, we drove to her hood. When we reached near her home, I first refused to know because , the flats i was dropping her lives policemen. I told myself that, maybe, it was her dad who was a police, or she was staying with a relative that is police. I hardly ask a person of out where and with who she stays with, rest, she tells me she stays alone and has not paid her rent. Its better not to ask than be sorry.

Following weekend, she told me that she liked my zig zag and wanted to taste it again.  This time, I climbed in a room and with makobosto. True story. Although she refused to know why, I had started seeing her talk and smile to male customers and others. After i finished first joti, now relaxing to see it any miracle can come and i see second joti, I asked her if her dad is a police. She said no. She asked why. I said its becuase where i dropped her, it is police that lives there. She laughed and said "ni mzee. tunakaa huko na mzee"  . Since my treewas  started to regain standing ovation, I asked "What? are you married? At such young age?" She laughed and said she has a baby that is 7 years.

Later, I was tempted to eat again, until she started clicking on share button to many others. Later, her hubby removed her from exhibition and took her to college. I dont know where she went, but she is still clicking share, i guess.

That is why I refuse to know, this persons of these days, who go help them well well? Complete well well.  A beg.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

The Wrath of Sleeping Out.

Some things happens and when they happen, they are not good.  One of them is when you go to a room with a person and when you wake up, you see sun in the middle of the sky. That, in other words mean, you slept out.

Many of us, atleast once, you have found yourself sleeping out without your will.

I remember my first time to sleep out. My very first muclimbano after i got myself a pm. There was this person Theuri wanted me to eat. Its like he was getting paid. I had even left beer for  sometime. He refused to know where he will be getting company if i reformed. I think thats where he got the idea of pushing the person to me. 

One day, he brought me this person. She looked like sun, and talked good and could converse fluently in Saps. As usual, I did not drink beer but bought rounds. I still remember even where were were seated that day, at Citrus Inn. When i went to the latrine, Theuri told the person that not to mind too much, i am kinda fala. I need to be touched touched to bring life back to me.

When I can, the person started to touch touch me. I did not touch back. You can get the picture of a sobber holy man. Theur would close eye on her and tell her to soldier on. I did not take me long before my josto started to stand small small.
I said bad is bad. I will climb her one joti, and thereafter, refuse to pick calls.

We went to some rooms behind Stima. As per the devil's plan, I climbed and felt soo good. It was long time before I had smelled a hole of out.  I said i put myself small, then climb another one before heading home.  I relaxed myself, reminiscing how tiita of out has become good nowadays.

Even before i finished blinking, i heard door being knocked. Then, the knocker  said in loud voice "wewe tupa mashuka nahuku inje. Masaa imeeda sana". On removing blanket from my head, I saw sun rays through the wondow. I looked at my watch. That told me that it was following day.

I refused to know and shook all over. I then putted my phone on. Over 200 messages entered. 195 were from the PM. The rest, one from Theuri, and the rest from my extended family.

Immediately Theuri saw delivery report, he called and said "mundu, kai utanainuka. Mama yaku ihuriire thimu ta 30, kinya ndimuira turatiganire thaa thita". (Your pm called me, like 30 times, unitl i told her we left each other at mid night)

There there, i knew i had been sold. What followed were calls from the entire clan asking where i slept. I did not have an answer because i had not mastered the art of lying then. I decided to call the PM.  She was crying like a baby. She asked me not to tell her anything, because she suspects where i slept. What followed can be writen in a full novel. Mogadishu is better.

But that is nothing compared to yours and Theuri's.

Few days ago, i was drinking with Theuri and some others you dont know. As usualy, Theuri had a person of out that looked like Sun.  A person that even lives in her own house that she does not share with anyone. Either male or another female.

Theuri was drinking John Walker, a stuff that make me want to disappear in thin air. One, because of its price. Two, If i drink hard stuff, they rub my memory. I do things and tomorrow when people ask me what i was doing, I feel sorry for myself. As night progressed, Theuri and his person disappeared.

Its not out of the ordinary for a man to disappear with a person of out. Unless you are from mars, you obviously know what they have gone to do. Climbin.

Folliwng day, Theuri called me. He said things are fire. He asked me where i was and when he told me he had a story of giants and was also going to buy two, I told him.

When he came, he started "Reke ngwire, huai ndaumutiga ri, ndinainuka. Ndiiguire kiroko" (Last night when i left you, i felt myself in the morning). That statement alone first made us fall under table. Under the table because, for sure, we knew he was under hot soup. His pm was well aware that that he was in the hood all evening. More hotter soup becaue his pm comes from Nyeri.

We asked him how. He said, he went to drop the person. He had no intention of eating someone because Jonny Walker had made him refuse to know himself. Small time, as he was stretching himself, he felt something he is not used to everyday. Firm brookie. He first refused to know, because, this brookie sounded like they have never been sucked, unlike his pm's.

He lifted his head and looked who this person was. It was the person he was with at the club the previous day. He looked at time. It was 10 AM, in the morning. He was as naked as being born. In his phone, there were over 10 missed calls from his pm. All starting at 7AM. His pm knows that he drinks beer until morning but not past 5am, so, this was usual.

When he heard he was naked, he touched his tree to feel it it ate someone without makobosto. He  felt that it had not entered any hole. He said bad is bad, he cant sleep out and still fail to eat. He sucked brookie of the person, although still refusing to know what to tell pm, then raamnyad until he poured.

After, he now refused to know what to do. He though of lies. The best one that came was to tell the pm that he slept inside. Not inside of a person, but inside of a police station.

He picked his phone and dialed his pm's number, although shaking all parts, including ear.  When his pm picked, he said "ona ndukanjurie kiuria ona ki thaa ici. Tamba undumire ngiri ithano. O riu. Ndi forithi Athi river" (Dont ask me anything right now, I am locked in police station, Send me 5 k to bail me out.

Pm's, always have a sixth sense. She asked which police because he wanted to come bail her herself. Theuri thought of the farthest and said 'Naguku Rongai. Uka rongai basi, no wambe utume to guku no sufering muno. " (Here in Rongai, you can come, but before, send the money because we are suffering).  Theuri continued  "Ndina mbeca ngariine na ni nyingi, na ndirenda mamenye ndinacio, otherwise makuria ciothe. We hang'a naihenya" (I even have money in car, but i dont want them to know. Otherwise, police will eat it all).

Small time, he felt his phone, titititi. On checking, it was an mpesa message. The pm then started to ask why he was arrested. He said he was arrested to driving under the influence. He had gone to drop off a friend and on reaching Rongai supermarkets, they were stopped and told to put air on something. That something showed red, meaning, he had taken more than the government allowss.

After small time, enough time to remove from Athi River to his hood, he went drove home

His pm, although looking at him suspiciously told him to first shower because it would not be good for a person that slept inside to enter bed without showering. He showered and went to bed.

When he woke up, he saw his pm look at him straight in the eyes. This how pm's test their men if they had climbed somebody out. If you look elsewhere,  you are confiming 100% that you ate someone. So, Theuri kazanad with the stare, looking at his pm directly in her eyes, almost burning a hole due to stare.

On looking at the pm at 18, he saw she was doubting him. He decided to take her to a shopping spree at Sarit centre.

Before he continued, we told him that he sold himself. By doing that, you are pleading guilty as charged. Those are sure signs of post muclimbano of out.

If you are a pm and your man comes late and showers you with gifts and doing things he doesnt do in the ordinary, there is something behind that veil. Investigate further. I can assure you, without  fear of even being contradicted.

Like if i was Theuri's pm, i would have asked him to remove all clothes and put them there. One by one, smell all of them, and if i did not hear them smell of police station, i would tell him to cook another story, before i batter him proper.

If that doent work right, I'd smell his josto. If it smell funny, I would tell him to sleep at his own risk, because, when he wakes up, he would be nyeeless.

If that dont work still,  I would tell him to drive back to Rongai.  If the OB does not show any of Theuri's name, I would tell him to call people of TV and Njoka Nderitu because shortly, there will be news of interest.

Just incase this is not over, we can help Theuri to add salt to his lies. Or what lies do you give/do you get when your man sleeps out.


I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Why I will NOT Climb This Valentine.

Alot of people here and there will get climbed today, some, sadly, without makobosto in the pretext of valentine.  I have no intention of climbing anyone but for a good reason. It is out of an incident that happened last week. Infact two incidences and i think they will help me save alot.

Mid last week, I was in a place called Rumuruti. When you are in Rumuruti the nearest town is Kismayu, then Mogadishu.  I was not alone. I was with Mpesa, Theuri, Akuku and another person you have never heard before. 

After finishing the day's business, we went to a place called Travelers lodge or something to remove dust that had filled out throats after a hard days work in dust ridden part of Kenya. As we were drinking, Theuri asked how we were going to sleep without persons.

When we told him to forget persons, he said that he must  arrange himself  with a person. I told him that all day, I had not seen anyone close to sun, except some person that did not respond positively that was working at an Mpesa and Equity agency shop.

In every village, you must get a broker of tiita. One guy overheard us and said that he can get persons that looked like sun, from a place called Rukishoni (later, i herd correct name is Location). We told him to call as many as he can. He said that if we will pay boda boda for them, they will come with thuruari on head.

After we gave him money for boda boda, he went to fetch them. Small time, he came with three persons. One without teeth and the other one, looked like sun, and the other one, I cant really place her. Not like sun, not like Keper 22b  but was smartly dressed, verry smart. But unlike persons from Nyahururu that come with scarves and gumboots, them they were dressed like persons of Nairobi.

As usual, Theuri arranged himself with one with no tooth. Akuku took the one that looked like sun. We were left three of us, me, mpesa and the other guy to fight for the one that did not look like sun, but was dressed very well and good thutha too. And she was not too tall.

The person leaned on my side after he heard Theuri call me mutongoria. But all along, i was salivating on the person Akuku took, the one that looked like sun. She looked more than sun. But when my person told me she just finished school last year, i knew she had never been ramnywad many times.

Theuri asked what they will drink. They all said black ice. Theuri told the persons that KC is good first because it makes persons relax. When they agreed, we almost knelt down to thank him for saving our hard erned cash. After my person started to get drunk small, i refused to know if she was a sister to Theuri. Talking papapapa, with no end. Theuri now even left his toothless and started to engage my person with conversation.

He told the person that we will take her to Nairobi and see where leaders live. Theuri asked her if she has ever been to Nairobi. The person knows places until i refused to know. Despite having schooled in some school i heard called Muhotiita girls, she knows Betty's, Riviera, Zimmerman, Diamonds, Croocked Q among others I have never stepped my foot into. There there, we refused to know.

She then started Theuring or verbal diarhoearing. Theuri asked her when she knew all those places. She said that she was one time thrown out of school when in form three and again in form four. Instead of going home, she used to come to Nairobi to see mabeshte. It is mabeshtes that took her to all those places. She told us how her mabeshtes used to get climbed by people they didnt even know, some even getting climbed in cars.

Theuri, wanting her to verbal diarhoea more, asked her "No reke, muiretu akinyitie miaka 20, angikorwo ndari ahaicwo ni arume ta ikumi, ndari undu oi?"  (If a person reaches 20 years and have never been climbed by 10 people, there is nothng she knows) The person agreed and said that some people only pretend. My tree, which had standed returned back almost size of a baby.

Theuri then said to me in ear "Mutongoria, ona kafa ino itari magego. Iyo ihaicitwo kinya igathira rangi" (Leader, its even better this one without teeth. That one has been climbed until all color has faded.

When Akuku went to the latrine, I closed one eye on her person. She closed her eye back. Theuri saw and asked me if i wanted to climb her, we wrestle her from Akuku as long as i will buy water to compensate his efforts. I told him he is leader of leaders and if he assists, he will drink until tomorrow.

He told me a plan. He said he will ask her to borrow money from Akuku. Akuku never wants to hear a person borrowing him money, so it was a ploy once she borrows money, Akuku will there there refuse her things. So, he told the person, "Nigetha ndukanakiume ta muthika ucue ri, ira muthee oka akuhe mbeca cia njuiri" (So that you dont remove like burier of grandmother, tell mzee to give you money for hair)

When Akuku came they started to talk. I saw Akuku smile and did like this, holding the finger that is next to big one together with big one.

When Akuku went to latrine again, Theuri asked her 'Auga agukuhe cigana?" (How much will he give you?"

She said "Auga akuhe magana matatu" (He will give you three hundred.

Theuri looked at me and said "Uyu amaheaga ngiri. Uyu ona agukuhe ngiri igiri" (This one gives them one thousands. Infact, he will give you two thousands." He then said 'Uyu ni umuiguaga redio ine? (Do you hear him on radio) She said no. She was told to look me good because he is called Njogu of Njoroge. She said she did not know that Njogu can pretend to talk in bass in studio but when out, he has no bass. But all in all, the person's face lit up. She smiled and said "Uyu ona niwe nguendaga. Nimuthaka kuri ucio ungi na ndari na maundu maingi. Na niaratheka wega" (This one is the one i want. He is cool and i like the way he laughs). In my head, i said 'ngoma, ni mbeca wendete, shaitani uyu" (devil, it is money you like, shaitan you)

When Akuku came back, the person started to show him madharau. Small time, she told Akuku "we ona nduri mwega. Magana matatu matingiigana njuiri" (You are not good. Three hundred not enough for hair)

We all burst in laughter and asked him what 300 bob can do. He said "Atakiri kiino nguguraga. Animiire ku. ngumuheaga kia wega (I was not buying tiita but goodwill or which samba has she tilled for me? ). The person pretended she was angry and stood up. I pulled a chair between myself and Theuri sister in talks. Akuku looked in disbelieve and said 'Ngoma ici nie mutikandare equal equal ya ma kc mau mao" (Devils, dont count me on equal equals of their KCs). From there, I told the person to drink black ice because she was not looking like about to refuse to know herself.

When we went to room, the person made me almost want to return to club and drink until tomorrow. She removed clothes inside the bed and told me to switch off the lights.

To give her confidence, i removed all my clothes, showing off my riang'a standing straight. She first refused to look at it with eyes straight,  either because  she did not believe that there can be a man that can have a riang'a that does not stand  straight, but in zig zag or thoughted i was plain nuts to show my riang'a without shame.

I refused to switch off the lights and jumped in bed. When i tried to touch touch brookie, i felt the bra was still on. After persuading her to remove for over  30 minutes, she finally agreed. She was telling me to enter into blankets and climb inside there.

The brookie was so firm like i have never heard before. But this time, i was not going to  suck tiita of a person from Rumuruti. I refused. When i inserted hand to feel tiita, first thing, i refused to know if i was touching another head of a rasta man or what. I almost asked if there was another person hiding near tiita. Many hairs! Since birth,i think she had never shaved, despite looking hot like sun. It is not always hot inside as out.

Because i feared because of the hairs, my tree might deflate, I putted on makobosto very first and inserted tree. On inserting, I have never heard a hot tiita like that. I think it can near that of a person I told you, tiita tasted like sand paper.

She said mbuus, original and after small time, i poured. After removed josto, she took her pantie and bra and returned on her body. I have never seen a person that return thuruari after eating and we were not leaving room. 8th wonder of the world oh.

That incident of returning thurauri back even before morning and seeing a person that looks like sun that does not shave tiita  give me kinyiria of tiitas from that day. I swear, the Thika one (Mt Kenya University person), was a child play.  So, even weekend, I was thinking of borrowing another person but when i remembered the many hairs, tree warned me that i was wasting time, it will not stand.

The other thing that has added salt is persons from my hometown, Nyeri. Although this is a ploy to destroy names of persons from Nyeri, we, the village elders feel  we need to clear the air. In my entire life, i have never seen my mum beat dad and they are all from Nyeri. All my neighborhood, no pm beat their husbands, and they are all from Nyeri. So, which Nyeri are you talking about. They should know places!

The 'small' unfortunate incident that was inflated by one Njoka of person has however made us some of us very angry.  Theuri told us when he saw that on TV, he rose up and slapped his pm chwa chwa on both sides. He did that so that she does not, at anytime, ever think that she can beat him up.

Though that is not the correct way, PMs and all persons becomes what you make them. They are like babies. If you show them you dont entertain some things, like being beaten, or being returned, that is the way it will go. If you show her that if she returns you and you dont say  anything, she will return you in front of guests. If you show them, especially those of Kabete that you cant entertain to be killed when you finish building flats, they will not kill you. If you show Cambodians that you cant entertain them getting climbed out, they will not. If you show, those of Luhia origin that they get toshekad with one joti, and not to say mbus when getting climbed, that is how they will.

If you are married to a person from Nyeri, or any other person and you dont want such incidences (beaten) to ever happen, this is what you do. You know, pms or persons can easily beat you up if they want. It is respect they have for us oh. so, first things comes first. Self defense!

When you go home and you find a karai or sufurias near the entrance or being kept down, beat it one shoot, with alot of energy, like of Rooney.

If you are being bringed food and you notice a spot on one plate, take that place and hit the wall with it. pwaaaff. If you call her when she is in the kitchen and does not answer very fast, being maybe she did not hear or ignored, take table, especially when items are there and hit the wall with it.

Tomorrow when you come home, even if she had thoughted of beating you up, she will insert cold like you dont know.

And if you think my advise is valuable and it will help you, send mpesa to me to thank me for good advise. Otherwise, you will be beaten one day, if I dont unleash the secrets. The number is that one appearing on your screen.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

The Curse of Mobile Phones

I  am one guy that has a destroyed afternoon, all courtesy of my mobile phone. Not that my shina phone has died. Nope. Its not about death. Something worse than that.

Everyone has his/her worstmoment with mobile phone.  I told you one day how i was busted by right honorable pm of my house through text. From that day, i shake nyees when i see an sms from person, saying  "I miss you, hi swirri, plans za leo ni aje etc". Instead of smsing back, I opts to call back.

Phone has led many astray and in trouble like you can never imagine. It has also broken so many homes. Like if you want to know if your person or your hubby is climbing or getting climbed outside, check on his/her  inbox. If there is none,  or just two messages from safaricons, 100 percent, he/she is confirmed climber/climbed.

Now this one incidence that happened just few minutes ago is worse than all other incidences combined.  Like many of us, i never tell my exact location on phone, unless i know what you want. If you call me "Uko wapi?" I must return, we uko wapi? This way, if you wanted to see me and i did not want, I get a good excuse to say a different distance location. I have however been busted so many times.  There is this pal of mine, if he sees me, he tell the people they are with "wone kamundu gaka no gakuhenia haria kari" (see, this person will lie to me)  He calls and says "wiku" I ask we wiku. He says ndi juja road.  I tell him i am in Mombasa road. He then taps me on the back and say "kai rifa rori yatuikire mombasa road (Since when did rifa rori became Mombasa road. But like a clever person, you say 'ngugaga mombasa liners " (I said Mombasa liners)

There is this uncle of mine (not the one that lives behind uon) that has a habit, when he calls me, he asks "wiku" ( where). If you tell him Town. He asks town wapi. You say "Rifa rori karibu na coast bus". He then says "ooh. no ngeithi" (ooh, just saying hi" Other times, he can call and say "Tahurira Njeri umwire ahurire" (Call Njeri, tell her to call me). I refuse to know, what is easier. To call Njeri direct or call me to tell njeri to call him. I refuse to know.

Today, I have learnt the importance of cutting the phone and verifying its cut, as soon as you finish conversation. Uncle called me and asked the same thing. He then said, "ooh. no ngeithi, no ndihaha garage girogoni. ningukuhurira thaa icio ingi tuarie kaundu ndirenda twarie. Na ndukahorie line ya Airtel. Safaricom i goro muno kuhura" (I wanted to say hi. I am in Grogon, i will call you once i am through, there is something i want us to discuss. Dont switch off Airtel. Safaricon is too expensive to call)

I was so annoyed because i was in a very important meeting. I forgot to hang up and said "reke nguire, uncle ni ari urimu. ndiri ndona mundu wi cii ta uncle". (Let me tell you. Uncle has babish. I have never seen a person with shii like uncle)

Small time, i heard my phone cry again. It was him calling. I  felt very annoyed but still, went ahead to answer. When i finally picked, he said "ii wanjohi, nie ndi urimu muingi muno. Cii nicio ndi nyingi" then hanged up.

On hearing that, i almost fell down of shame and shock. I dont know what to tell him or if i should meet him. I am in deep sheeit meeen. This shina phones will show us news. That reminded me of Theuri's sometimes ago.

We wanted to go eat people with Theuri in Rumuruti. So, he said he will call his pm and cook some lies. He  called and lied but forgot to hang up. He then started talking "mama ni yaingira box. Wanjohi  reke njite maraya ciakwa nie ndi sawa riu"

Small time,  the pm called back crying. Theuri refused to know. She then told him that to go eat as many trappers as he can, she has ran away.

There there, our plans was destroyed.  Another time, there is this person I  was eating. This person knew all my holes, even rifa rodi. One day, i wanted to arrange myself with another person. So, she caaalled but i did not pick. She
decided to come check me at madhuka.

When she entered, she saw me but did not see her.  She decided to try and call me and see why i was not picking.  I removed phone from pocket, then told showed a guy we were seated with and said some unprintable words. He burst in laughter. Then, i heard like there was someone standing infront of me. On looking up, i saw it was my person. I felt like urinating on myself, I shooook nyees, I refused to know, and there were no words to say.She looked at me like 19 minutes and left.

Akuku had his and he would rather call you back than pick his phone when his pm is there. One day, Theuri called Akuku. Akuku, instead of taking phone good, he putted the speakerphone on.  Theuri, like verbal diarhoea, said in loud voice "kuhana atia munene" (how does it look leader". He said cool.  He then verbal diarhoead "Maraya iria yaku mwalimu ningumihaica. irahurira thimu muno....." (That trapper of yours that teaches, i will climb her. she is calling me too... ) before he could finish, Akuku cut the phone. Whatever happened after that is a story for another day.

As we shorted evening, i want to hear your experiences with mobile phones.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

The Killer That Wasnt a Killer

If I was an editor, I would not have passed the muffled killer title. It does not deserver such a stunning title.  I would have suggested a simpler title like... Kwa Nyeni sellers in Kenya.  I was expecting a thriller  after they ran campaigns for weeks but was thoroughly short changed. If it was a one month's work, I would have clapped many times for them. But having been worked on for over 10 months, i would have first whipped the ka person for not being thorough enough and raising expectations of viewers to an all time high for nothing. It was like taking a person of out that looks like 'sun' and has super thutha to a lodging. But you picked her in a dim lit club. After you enter room, she first remove teeth and keeps it on water glass. She then remove trouser and whats pops out? padded thutha. After she remove bra, all brookie tall until they reach navel.

For the first time in a long time, I was glued on news all waiting for part 2 thriller. I am not saying she did not do a good job. Its above average. Part one was motosana  because it does not happen everyday to find a male trapper confessing he does trapping. It does not happen everyday for a mneck male trapper confession that among her clients are people like Mugwatani and Televangelist XYZ. It does not happen everyday for a guy that looks like sun to ladies to confess on TV that he eats trappers kwa nyeni, yet he has a pm and a baby. I honestly dont know how much you can pay me to say on TV that i eat trappers (female that is).

But part 2.. thats where i would have whipped the presenter until she refuses to know herself. Because, saying that partners of persons risks getting infected because their men are gay and traps male trappers that mostly climbana bila makobosto is missing the point.  Whether you eat a trapper of male or person of out, and you eat bila makobosto, you are a risk to your partner. You will live under the shadow of uncertainty until you get measured. When i was expecting to see how male trappers get beaten, they brought a clip I see everyday life life, Kanju arresting trappers in Koinange. Then the Mombasa guy (he gets climbed in rifa rodi. really?), instead of telling us how he gets beaten, gave an incident where he was beaten ngeta. seriously?

Its not news that Mugwatani climbs many persons, but I doubt he can pick that trapper with mneck. He looks scary for any televangelist or Mugwatani.

Everyone knows that there are many gays in Kenya, thats not secret.  I have seen them in Mombasa, Theuri once chipod one, when he mistook one  for a person of out, if you remember that story.

I have my own experience with such people. In high school, we used to hear with rumor that some guy opens boots. Again, in Kangubiri girls, we used to hear ladies used to climb each other. Thats not news.

Sometimes, i meet people and hear some shocking stories until you refuse to know.

There is this guy, a friend of a friend. Not my friend. Cant stand some people. One day, as we were drinking beer, he told us of an incidence that made us fall under the table, both with laughter and refusing to know.

One day, he was drinking beer at Caltex Umo and he didnt have his car. Instead of taking a taxi, he opted for a Bodaboda.

When the boda boda zoomed off, he got pushed small near the driver of boda boda. Because of the near contact, he felt his tree stand small small.

Devil or gayish in him told him to touch touch the driver of boda boda. He toouched and heard the driver was not resisting. He went ahead and started to touch josto of the driver. That is when the driver realised that he was not carrying and ordinary customer.

Since that ka place where they were passing is not normally busy at night, the driver knew that he will be climbed kwa nyeni. To save his thutha, he started to shout in loud voice "uuuuuiiiii uuuuiiii nisaidineni.. mwizi wa boda bodauuuuuiiiiii"  and added more fire to the bike.

This guy saw that he will be killed wrongly. When they approached a pothole, near Mama Lucy hospital, the guy jumped off and entered those tu bushes. What was even more hilarious was when he told us that he crawled from that place upto Double M bus garage near Komarock, a journey that took from 11 pm until 2Am. .

He were collected  under the table when he said "Nu utangiukia akuhiriirie mundu uguo". No one wanted to ask him what he would have done because we were all under the table. From that day, we fear him like fire. But he is not an ordinary gay, i guess, but given an opportunity.. hehe.

I had my experience long time ago. One day , i said bad is bad, i will drink overpriced beer at Jazz. As i was waiting akina Theuri to join me, some guys came and sat next to me. We started to beat stories and after small time, they said i get one. One has no hand,and when he told the waiter to bring three three for each of us, i refused to know.

Even before i could now return hand, the guy dirtied the table, until i felt ashamed, and thinked that someone that knows me might come and refuse to know if i have become a jaduong.

As we were talking, the guy kept on touching touching me. I thought it was just people that have no manners, so i did not read anything bad.

After small time, Theuri called and said he was at Grace villa. I told the guys that i wanted to take my leave and they refused to know. They said i drink 3 more, yet there were more beers on the table.

Tomorrow of that day, since i had given the guy my card, he called me and said that they kept the beers on stock, so i should go we finish.

In my head, it telled me that either, they were looking to give me business, or they just liked my company. You wouldn't ordinarily get that from a complete stranger.  I told Theuri we go drink expensive beer with him.

As beer came, the guy told a guy they had come with " Imagine huyu jamaa alinipotea jana bana. Na vile temp ilikuwa all time high" I refused to know what he meant, but thought it was a joke. But when i heard how they were talking, i thought that I was about to be opened boot. I told Theuri we remove from there as fast as we could.

Later, i was told by a waiter that he comes with  guys, mostly young, gives them beer and closes them.  If i dranked until i refused to know myself, I would be counting myself as having opened boot.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Ramnyaring a Persons with Month

Yesterday was a big day. Something happened and it reminded me of an incident i should not have forgotten because it does not happen everyday.

If you have a TV, you are aware that the biggest team in this lovely world was invited to a house of a toothless trapper. On reaching there, the trapper, because it had month, sucked Man u's josto and it poured three times... very fast.

After small time, the team said bad is bad. They threw makobosto on the wall and climbed them kwa nyeni, three jotis. They then left smilingbecause they left the toothless trappers bedroom full of month and did not even leave money to wash bedsheets. That is how bad it is. There is a ka teem i keep forgetting its name, but its boss looks like Mr. Bean.  On sato, they invited a ka team that has Gonorrhea, gave it black ice until morning. When they refused to know themselves, they climbed them without makobosto, seven jotis. Now they wont shut up but they still remain no. 7 after tonight's game. Next time, they should climb a person with manners, not trapper with Gonorrhea. Why climb such a trapper, yet you aint going anywhere? I refuse to know. Anyway, hope they wont take it personal. Its just football, for heavens sake. Loosing and becoming no. 7 is no big deal. That position 7 was reserved for a Team. If it happens to be yours, what can i do? I am not a player, nor a coach ;)

One day, I met a person of out that looked like sun. Completely like sun. We met in a wedding of a friend and on that day, I was driving a hired Mercedes C class. Car of shop, not ex - Singapore.  We met again in the evening and exchanged contacts. We couldn't talk much on that day because the pm was there.

From that day, the person used to call me everyday, inviting me to Nakuru. When i did mathematics of going to Nakuru to destroy money just because of tiita, i refused to know.

One Saturday, the person called and begged me to go. She begged and begged until i gave in. I asked her if she will put thuurari on head. She said that that should be an answer, not a question. I told Theuri to accompany me, not because i wanted his company but I wanted someone to do equal equal.  He first refused but when i told him that we were meeting persons with thuruari on head, he agreed.

We went to Nakuru and met the persons. This person that looked like sun came with another that did not look like sun in real sense, but had figure that can make you pour, just by imagining.  That day, Nakuru bars refused to know who had come  to town. The rich of surrounding were finally in Nakuru. We destroyed all bars with beer and stories of giants.

As we were drinking, my person would touch my josto and kiss me, but when i inserted hand under the table to reach tiita, she would stop me and tell me "mmmm ti thaa ici" (not now)

After we finished drinking, my  person told me that i will spend in her house.  When we reached her house, she told me she had some bad news. She told me that she was so excited to see me and due to the excitement, moon came unexpectedly.

I felt like crying, like getting angry, like shaking, like makaring, all combined. I refused to know, why she call me all the way from Nairobi when she had month. I refused to know if she dont know how to count dates. Then, i refused to know, how i was not going to eat a person that looked like sun. You know there are things that can make you refuse to know.

I sat on the coach when she went to the bathroom. When i was left, I started to think of persons with face like sun so that i climb myself with hand, atleast i pour.

When she came out, I saw brookside and asked myself "Why always me? Months should know people!"

She came and sat on my lap. I refused to know what to do. Is it to suck brookie or register the image in my head and climb myself with hand when she fall asleep? Small time, i heard tree say to me in ear 'Mundu, kai mweri na riua ciri cioraga mundu. Rugira mundu, and in anycase, niwe ukuingira ka ni nie? " (Person, moon and sun have never killed somebody. In any case, is it you or me that will enter. Jump on person)

I picked one brookie wit fear and put it on mouth and sucked the nozzle small. I then removed and lifted my eyes to look at the person if she was kinda surprised or on worry. I saw her closing eyes for feeling mzuri. That was such a morale booster. When i started sucking like a hungry baby, she started so say mbus small small as she papasad my head.

Small time, I saw myself naked, with my zig zag standing 180 degrees centigrade. I cant remember how exactly i removed, but i was naked.  My josto would tell me to suck tiita, but my head would respond and say to stop ubabish, there is month.

With josto removing fire, she picked it and put half of it in her mouth. My josto is kinda big, and its zig zag nature cannot agree to enter all in a mouth of a person. There is one thing i know for sure. I have an average josto, but what adds magic is the zig zag nature. I remember when i was a small boy, we would go swimming in River thuti and when boys looked at my josto, they used to laugh at me, ati my josto is big. I would wish that my josto stop growing, so that boys stop laughing at me.

The person did wonders with the mighty zig, even sucking nyees that had not been bathed.

She pulled me to her bedroom and laid a towel on the bed and started to suck my josto again.

But no amount of sucking would make it pour. The josto was telling me that even if she sucks until morning, it can only pour if it enters inside somebody. On hearing that from josto, i rose up and told the person to lay. She said "ooi. pllleease... ni chafu"

I told her that it was ok, she can even add more dirt. I rolled down makobosto on my josto and pointed my riang'a on tiita that had month. I inserted, i removed, i inserted and removed again. I waited to feel anything but where. Too much watery. I increased the pumping and said bad is bad. I removed josto with njaro, then, put gear number two.  I then slowly, inserted and felt resistance.  That told me that that was kwa nye? kwa nyeni. I looked at the person to see if she will refuse to know and tell me i was in the wrong hole but only saw a person closing all eyes, then lifted legs up and threw them in the air.

Because to the resistance nature, i pumped two times and felt nyees releasing pours, then collapsed on top of a person.

On looking at my stomach and nyees, it looked like redish. She went to the bathroom and came with a wet towel , removed makobosto from my zig, then wiped me clean.

That night, she woke me two times to climb kwa nyeni. One time was successful, the other one, tree refused to stand.

Before i woke up in the morning, she papasad tree and it stood. She came on top and climbed herself. I felt so good until i was wishing makobosto would burst. But head told me, if  makobosto burst, you are a dead man. I fear to die, so I changed the wish of having makobosto burst.

Later, she apologized and told me that she did not expect to get month on that day. I told her that even if she gets month for a whole month none stop, i will never regret. I told her to infact call me another day when she had month.

That person calls me so often. Sometimes, she tells me she comes herself to Nairobi, but i fear she will come with month.  When this josto touches a person, they never fail to beg another session, despite sometimes pouring so fast. I think the zig zag nature does magic.

When we hooked up with Theuri later in the day, i did not tell him that i climbed tiita with month. Theuri is not a person you can tell something like that. He will either tell the whole town, or start beating that story to people as if it happened to him. To date, he does not know that.  If he knows, everyone will know. You can even remember the person i told you i was climbing that had a small baby. To date, He reminds everybody about that person. He tells them 'uyu a haicaga kamundu. akiuma room, okaga ahana maria uthio. ngamuria nikii kai ukunyuaga iria ukiitagiriria. Kumbe ni mundu ari nake wari na kana ka mieri itatu. Uyu kinya thoni ndari"  (He used to climb a person. When leaving room, he used to look like he had spilled  milk on his face. But it was not milk, he was climbing a person with a baby of 3 months.  He has no manners)

He now destroying one, Martin Goats' name. He refuses to know if he really okias. On Friday, he asked me in ear after Goats allowed a person that looked like sun go home, even after drinking several colonialistic drinks called Heineken. He asked 'Mundu, kai mwanakeee atahuhagiria (young man does not stand?)". I asked why. He said, "ino ni thabari ya gatatu kuona arekekereria person. Ucio ndokagia, na akorwo ndi wrong, ndinio nyee" (this is the 3rd time am seing him release a person. If i am wrong, let them cut my nyees).  I honestly cannot undestand because that is one person, if i climb, i will not bath for a full week, so that utam remain in josto for that long. Real sun.


I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

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I forgot to mention..., the seller looks like sun.


http://www.wanjohidaily.com

Why Makobosto is a Must

We had a topic jana about people that ramnyas bila makobosto. We were discussing about a pal of ours called Mtunyee that has ramnyad bila many times.  Although there is nothing that can justify that, Theuri says that you should never laugh at someone because you heard they ramnyad bila makobosto.Besides hitting wall with makobosto, sometimes, you ramnyas and find ring on your josto, something that is beyond you or not your fault.

One day, i met this person of out that looked like sun. Very firm thutha and brookside have never been sucked by a baby. I borrowed and was given. When I was ramnyaring, all of a sudden, I felt taste of tiita change. I felt more warmth, tiita became tighter and more friction and person started saying mbus, more than before. Within a few seconds, I poured. Immediately i poured, i heard the person say "ngai, makobosto ni ka imereruka".

I removed tree first and on looking, i saw only a ring. I dashed to the bathroom and thoroughly washed my tree, just like what Zuma told us to do. If you dont know Zuma, he is occipies the biggest seat down south and ramnyas people with mneck bila makobosto. After he finish ramnyaring, he rushes to the bathroom and washes tree thoroughly.

When i looked at the person, she looked as if nothing wierd had happened. The whole of that week, i was shaking nyees because i ramnyad someone i didnt know without makobosto. Again, i was suspecting she was a trapper in a way. Something told me she was a trapper in a way.

Following weekend, i said I will measure the level of her utrapper. I wanted to know where her utrapper had reached. I was in  Roast house when i called her to come over for a drink. Earlier, i had told a pal of mine that I wanted to throw him a person. 

Because i wanted to measure her utrapping, when she came i told her that there is this friend of mine she can remove. I told her that he is very rich, owns several exbtions in town and was looking for a person of out. I told her that if she wanted to hook up and see money with eyes, she should behave as if she had met me for the first time.

When he came, the person behaved as such. My friend took over and ramnyad. I felt so sad for myself because i had confirmed that she was indeed a trapper.

Like a real trapper, tomorrow of that day, she called me very early. She told me that Mtunyee ramnyad her and left her at a guest house with no fare. She wanted me to send her fare. I told her to go mia. I called Mtunyee and asked him why he ramnyas and leave person with no fare. He went there and ramnyad again then dropped her off.

From that day, he ramnyad several times until the person got stomach. We all refused to know how he could ramnya such a thing without makobosto. We refuse to know.

After pressuring him, he confessed and said that he ramnyad from day one without makobosto. When they went to the guest house, he saw how brookies were firm and had never been sucked. He then looked at her age and filled himself that she was mneck free. But he was to ramnya with makobosto,  after all. When he inserted, he felt tree refuse to enter. He spit saliva on his palm and smeared tiita with it but still, tree refused. He took Vaseline and smeared and tree went straight. He then remembered what Theuri told us to check if one has mneck. If you press the cheeks and no hole is left, it is free. If hole is left, or takes time to rebound, there is a problem. After he did those quick tests, It is then that he hit the wall with makobosto and ramnyad like that. He was telling himself that he was the one piercing the person. He thoughted only small ihis had climbed long time.  Persons can act, at time.

But Mtunyee's  nothing compared to this one. One day, we went for a house party, me,Theuri and the crew in some exclusive place. In that party, there were endless supplies of persons from local Universities. Although trapper, but still pupils of campuses. For you to climb, you parted with a small fee of between a k and two, depending on how you were able to talk for yourself.

After small time, i saw Theuri pick a person with super thutha and shaved hair and went to climb. When he came out, he went and sat alone, holding his chin. Theuri is always jovial and this made me refuse to know what was cutting. Inside my head, i told myself maybe he has parad and wanted to eat another person but the wallet refused.

It is after janas discussion that Theuri opened up what transpired on that day. He asked "NO ururikane riria tuari House party. Ugaga nikii ndagiire kieha ndaima kuria mundu. thikiriria" (Can you remember when we were at house party. Youthink whey i got sad after ramnyaring? Listen)

As he was ramnyaring, he felt the same thing. Change of taste. When his eyes were about to gauge out, the person threw him out fast and said mbus of real.

She rose up and ran to her bag and removed some tablets and swallowed a number of them. She told Theuri that those were ARVs, she drinks them everytime makobosto bursts. She said that they were given by the owner for precaution because once you swallow, you cant catch mneck.

There there, Theuri thought he had been inflicted with mneck. He had never heard of that before. ARVs are for people that have mneck, not precaution. He saw how he will die, how we will drink at their local shopping centre after burying him and how devil will be turning him in fire.

After she finished drinking the medicines, she told Theuri that he will now pay 1500 instead of a k because it was deliberate attempt to break makobosto. She said to inset without is more expensive. He tried to argue that it was not deliberate to break makobosto with unknown trapper but she could not believe him.

Tomorrow of that day, she called Theuri on his phone. She was joyous and said that he had just left Nairobi womens to be measured and that she was negative. She even asked to meet him to celebrate. Theuri refused to know, how can mneck reveal in a day but was happy though because he had thoughted that he had been inflicted.

The bible says that he who that finds a woman finds a good thing. He who is able to stay away from women finds better things to do. Always, ramnya with makobosto if you cant stay away from them.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine