Some things still remain strange to me. Can only be possible in a movie. I know this topic will make some of you want to kill me but married persons are getting climbed at an alarming rate. I personally can never climb a married person knowingly. I am not saying i have never. If i lie, i am of devil.
The chief reason is that my grandfather told me that it makes no sense to eat for your friend when there are so many unmarried persons of out that are looking for jostos all over. The other reason is, a married person would hardly allow you to climb her with makobosto. Since they have been used to getting climbed without, only one in a 100 would allow you to climb them with makobosto. If my statistics are wrong, then i am of devil. But i am not saying i have never, and i am not saying that i have.
On Tuesday, i was having summit lager with Theuri and others in some home pub around my hood. As usual, a day must end with small topic on persons of out. What i heard made me be collected on the table.
We were discussing about PM's. We were saying, PM's are like babies. They become what you teach them. If you show them to sit on your head, they will definitely sit on your head. If you show them that you are the kind that shake nyees ovyo ovyo, they will forever sit on your head. If you show them it is ok to nag you with endless calls at 11pm when you are watching the team that walks with thuruari on head getting climbed by Manchester United, she will forever nag you. But each pm is unique. You cant 'teach' your pm same way i teach mine. Remember the story of hyna and wamafuku?
As we were discussing, Theuri said how men have many problems with pms. He said "Nie makite atia. kuri andu me thina ma i. Kanda neibor yakwa irahaicirwo muka ni kamundu gathakagira harambee stars. Kanda irendaga kumute turamira kana tiita ni irakuirwo kana iri o hau. Yauga iri o hau, turamira ihorere. Ituri? ituriee' (I have makad so much. There are people with problems. My neibor was climbed his pm by a person that plays for harambee stars. He wanted to throw her. I asked him, did that guy go with tiita or it is still there. He said tiita is till there. I told him to come down. "
It is that statement that opened a can of worms. It is wrong to write this but I will try to be as modest as possible. One guy shot up and told us his experience.
The event happened on December 12, 2006. As he was going to town with his pm in the afternoon, a pal called him and told him that his car got an accident the previous night and had been towed to Kabete police station. He wanted him to take him to the police station to view the damaged car.
When he reached town, he told his pm that he was going to assist his pal. The pm asked him when he will be back and said that in the evening.
He went and picked his pal and headed to Kabete. After viewing the car, they dropped at Njugunas to have lunch and two for the road. After few drinks, the guy told him to told him to drop him off at his home in Kasarani.
When they reached Kasarani, the guy told him they could have two at a place called Monaco.
They entered Monaco and ordered their drinks. As were drinking, from far, he saw something that made him refuse to know himself. He saw a person that looked like his pm with another man and another person having a very hearty discussion.
He started to shake all over.. nyees, toes and even his hair. He tried to swallow beer but when it reached throat, it refused to go further. He started to see darkness and refused to know why he was dreaming on daytime.
His instinct told him to eat njaro small. After small time, he saw the man grab his pm and kissed her kiss small. Then, under the table, he saw the man insert hand and pinched tiita.
Unable to tolerate further, he rose and and jumped over the tables, killing glasses and bottles. He grabbed the man by the collar and punched him hard until two teeth removed. The man fell on the ground, still refusing to know why alshabaad have resorted to such antics, instead of suicide bombing.
When the pm saw that, she removed from that place like lightening as the guy kicked and punched the hapless guy, even in nyees.
To cut the long story short, there there, a 'happy marriage' ended there there. The guy that was banging his pm was the boss to his pm. And the boss could not continue with this guy.I have met this person many times in clubs, she looks like sun, big thutha and talks good. But since she once belonged to my friend, i cant borow. Again, niethicithirie muno riu. Looks like sun. To view her profile.. click http://facebook.com/profile.php?=73322363
This is where my advise comes in handy to married pms. People will climb you only when you are married. But when you get thrown out, they run for their lives. It is easier and cheaper to climb a married person than a thrown one. A thrown one will come with responsibilities.
And for men, if your work is akoho, you dont climb your pm, she will be climbed by persons you least expect. The accountant that pays them. And it starts very slowly. He will start by hitting the butt small when she is passing. She will tell the accountant 'wewe, unajua mimi nimeolewa" Thats how it starts. Soon, she will be the one to start borrowing the accountant.
But a rather unique case here.
It can get sadder than thIS. Another guy , after he realised his pm was being banged, instead of throwing her, he went and looked for the pm of the banger. He told the pm about the relationship between his pm and her husband. They resolved to be climbanaring too. Tit for tat can never get that worse, can it?.
But after small time, the guy of the banged wife was rubbed work. Since he had married a mukabete, she ran away from the now jobless man. The banger man rented a house for the pm of this guy. Because the guy has no job and is even getting hungry of food of stomach, he resorted to beg the pm to accept him back. going back, in a house being paid by another man. The sad thing is, the man that bangs his pm is the one that pays rent. The man even openly comes to the house and bangs her, in his knowledge. The pm tells him that she is getting banged by the the renter of the house, and the poor boy can do nothing. Real story, though only possible in a movie.
Afrosinema continues shortly....
I remain,
Wanjohi wa kigogoine
For web quality web designing, hosting , visit.. www.februaryit.com or email me.. wanjohikigogoine@yahoo.com for the best deal.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
How Miraa Made My Tree Refuse
If you have never chewed miraa, you must be missing something. I have chewed a couple of times, and i must admit, the effects can be both amazing and disastrous.
One day, an Amerucan friend of mine invited me to some shoddy rifa rodi joint for a talk. Calling that a 'joint' is an abuse of The Queen of england and anybody that understand English, but you will be surprised the high profile guys that patrons there.
Earlier before, i used to shake nyee whenever I passed a place with people chewing miraa. But my perception changed when i was invited by one Kiogora.
As if he was getting paid, he started to preach to me about the good things/advantages of chewing miraa over beer. He told me that since he was born, he has never seen people fighting coz they were high on miraa. He has experienced numerous fights in bars with people drunk with alcohol. Beer makes you fight, miraa makes you friends and peace. When i was about to stop his preaching, he asked me 'How many people die from miraa related use every year? practically no one. How many people die from alcohol related use every year? millions. The only death related effects with Miraa is fast driving. And not with any car, with Isuzu pickups. Again, he told me with miraa, there is no buying of rounds, therefore, you save big time.
It is after that undoubtedly convincing that I decided to get half a kilo of Miraa. I dont know why they call it kilo, or maybe is kill 0. I followed the direction of how to eat and after half surba, i started to feel like i had drunk bangi. Some peculiar highness and excitement all over me. Suddenly, the International life house became mine. I started to think of a good brand new car dealers because there was no way i was going to drive a non convertible car again. Again, it was telling me that it is foolish to drive a second hand Japanese car instead of a car of shop. I am ain't poor.
As I continued to chew, i realized that i had taken long before peeing. When i went to the latrine, only very small urine came out and when it was came out, i felt like it was pour, not urine. From all the people around me that were chewing, I saw their eyes protruding, Maddo style. I refused to know, but because i was feeling like pouring, i thought they were feeling the same, and it is common for a person pouring feeling like eyes were about to remove from socket.
From that time, I constantly felt like I was about to pour. As night progressed, I called the person that I told you about the other day, the Mukabete and told her not to put thuruari on because my tree must sleep inside. I dont know but this person used to salivate anytime she heard my zig zag will enter her.
When i arrived at her place, my tree was protruding out with gukia.
Fast forward:... The moment i inserted my josto on her kamonie, it felt like pouring there there. My eyes started to remove from socket small small, ready to pour. I waited for pour to remove but where, it could not come out.
I pumped and pumped and let the person say mbus. To be honest, I had never heard her say mbus like that. I changed positions and ramnyad all direction. All through, i felt the way you feel when pouring. Imagine that utam. The muclimbano lasted more than one hour, non stop, save for the small duration when i was rounding the person to change position.
Though i used to ramnya this person enough time, until sometime it even refused to pour, she had never experienced the vigor I had that day. It was unlike me.. I ramnyad the person until she poured like 3 times. Before, she only used to pour once. Her kamonie was average.. nothing special but her msuckile was out of this world. I think that is why i used to manage more than one joti. She was the first person ever to suck my nyees until i said mbus and poured.
When i finally poured, it was only small drop that removed. My tree never falled, even small. She sucked nyees as usual and i ramnyad the person 4 jotis for the first time in a my life!
From the side effects of Miraa the following day, I vowed never to touch it again. My mouth was full of wounds. Being a novice in chewing, I had hurt myself so bad that i was not able to eat for the next two days. Again, i had given so many hopeless stories of giants. I remembered an old joke i once heard of two guys at Hilton hotel and pictured myself being taken by the dudes as one of those. Two guys were chewing miraa outside Hilton. One told the other that he will buy Hilton hotel tomorrow of that day. The other guy looked at him with anger and asked him, "Who told you i am selling it?"
Tomorrow of that week, I remembered another person I was climbing but had never satisfied her, even once. There was this person that had a hole that tasted as if it had sand inside. Her kamonie had texture of sandpaper, and was so hot until I was never able to tolerate the mixture of utam. All the many times i ramnyad, i used to pour in less than 90 seconds. Not that i used to time myself, just some rough estimate. She used to call me "gakuku gakwa" (my chicken) because of the way i used to pour fast. Infact, she once suggested i go see a doctor because my fast pouring was not only abnormal, but also disturbing.
She was my junior in a place we were written together, far more junior but she used to take home more than me. I had a loan that was being deducted, plus other deductions I cant remember they were for what. At the end of the month, she used to laugh on the side when she saw how sad i was when checking at my payslip. Even accounts department had known me by my steps because every end month, i used to visit to dispute some deductions. Despite her taking more than me, she still expected me to cater for some of her needs. Some persons of out have no head.
The earlier week's experience with Miraa had given me an idea. One gig great idea of our times. Miraa!. It would make me eat her for at least 30 minutes and make her pour for the first time. I was getting a red zone because, i never, even once satisfied this person with muclimbano but still, she stuck with me. She stuck with me even when I was scratching skin because of loan. Whatever she was getting from me was so little, but she still stuck with me. I was getting worried now.
I had tried other stuff to enhance my climbing ability before but they did not work for me. I had tried Mukobero but found it tasting like shit. I had also tried Enzoy but it did not work for me. Enzoy, despite tasting so bad only enabled me to stand harder than normal but not to make me not pour fast.
I called her in the afternoon and asked her "eee, kianda kuhana atia?" (How is down?). She told me no pampers. I told her to come in the evening with thuruari on head. She said 'Ningurehe uragarugire hau ta kaguku uria umenyerete" (I will bring it you jump like chicken the way you are used to)
Because i did not want her see me eating miraa, I started early enough, so that by 8, i would quit miraa and drink beer. I called Kiogora and told him to take me to the place we were last time. Miraa is one stuff you cant eat alone. You need a person to beat story of giant together. I was ready to live with the consequences of wounds in my mouth, as long as i will eat the sandpapered tiita for 30 minutes non stop without pouring.
We started chewing at around 3ish and by the time she told me she was on her way, at around 8ish, I had started to feel like pouring, just by imagining how I will tear the sandpaper until it becomes smooth. I pitied anybody that will ever eat the tiita again thinking he will find sand papered tiita, only to find wanjohi smoothened it long time.
By this time, i was not feeling like quiting eating miraa. Infact i felt like buying another kilo. Although it was a very tiring work, i wondered why people have never invented a way they can extract the miraa juice and package for those of us who are lazy to chew. It would surely give them brisk business.
There are few bad side of miraa. Many clubs dont allow Miraa chewers. They even print big words that say, "no chewing of miraa. If you are caught, you will be crashed nyee". Only in rifa rori you will find a place they allow miraa and I was also not willing to tell the person to come to that dingy joint. She had temper, sometimes was too bad, and with her temper, there was likelihood she could return thuruari. Again, even if the big clubs allow, I wouldn't want to meet people that know me in those club when chewing miraa. They will refuse to know.
We finally settled for Red Carpet in ngara. It does not refuse people to chew, but chewers stay out with their miraa and their protruding eyes.
When she joined us, she refused to know since when i started eating miraa. I told her it was Kiogoz's not mine. After small time, she accepted that Wanjohi is of news and can do anything. I had previously many times, escaped and left her in bar after money finished. I once told her to buy a round because my ATM had "refused to remove money'. She knew for sure there was nothing and assumed she did not hear. And who is me. Any other time money finished, I just switched off my phone and disappeared in thin air. Just like the other day, we chewed until almost morning.
From there, we took a room in some guest called Kings. This person never used to allow me in her house. Maybe there was another person that was ramnyaring or something. All climbing were done in hotel rooms.
When we entered the room, the person removed all clothes and hopped into the bathroom. She had a habit of first bathing every time we entered room. When i saw her naked body, i waited for my tree to stand voluntarily and jump on her even before entering bathroom. My tree was feeling like pouring, but it was not waking up.
She invited me to bath with her but i declined. I removed clothes and lay on bed, refusing to know why my tree was not responding to both physical and emotional commands.
When she finished bathing, I sucked the thermos that keep baby's milk, sucked tiita but my tree could still not stand. She came and sucked all my body, including tree but where. I was feeling like to pour, but the tree was not standing. I could read impatience in her eyes but could do nothing. She asked me what was wrong with me. I told her i it is the work of satan. She started to complain, saying i must have climbed someone that evening and thats why my tree was not responding. I asked if she felt it smelling like it had climbed when she was sucking. To calm her, i told her to take my phone and abuse Kiogora because all my troubles generated from him.
I tried to think of nice things, nice persons i see on TV and facebook, her well shaped body but where.
After all that failed, we fell asleep until tomorrow of that day. When we woke up, my tree had standed so hard that i did not even wait for her to get on heat. I jumped on the person immediately coz i feared it might sleep again, thus embarrassing me further.
Immediately my riang'a entered somebody, I felt like pouring. I thought it was just like the previous week's experience where i felt like pouring all night. But woe unto me, i did not attempt even to remove. I felt eyes almost gouge out, then nyee shaking, then,... pwafff. I poured two drops and collapsed on top of her.
She shook me and asked "Yani Wamagogo you have poured?' I said unfortunately, i had. She threw me aside and woke up. She then threw saliva out and said "We niwitaraga hari arume riu? ona nguku ni afadhari" (Do you count yourself among men? Even chicken is better)
I took the abuses positively though. Climbing junior is not funny because, she could afford to tell me such strong words, despite me being her boss.
From that day, i said miraa and me are in-laws. But I might want to try again soon with someone that is refusing to remove for me because i told her the truth: I pour like chicken.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
One day, an Amerucan friend of mine invited me to some shoddy rifa rodi joint for a talk. Calling that a 'joint' is an abuse of The Queen of england and anybody that understand English, but you will be surprised the high profile guys that patrons there.
Earlier before, i used to shake nyee whenever I passed a place with people chewing miraa. But my perception changed when i was invited by one Kiogora.
As if he was getting paid, he started to preach to me about the good things/advantages of chewing miraa over beer. He told me that since he was born, he has never seen people fighting coz they were high on miraa. He has experienced numerous fights in bars with people drunk with alcohol. Beer makes you fight, miraa makes you friends and peace. When i was about to stop his preaching, he asked me 'How many people die from miraa related use every year? practically no one. How many people die from alcohol related use every year? millions. The only death related effects with Miraa is fast driving. And not with any car, with Isuzu pickups. Again, he told me with miraa, there is no buying of rounds, therefore, you save big time.
It is after that undoubtedly convincing that I decided to get half a kilo of Miraa. I dont know why they call it kilo, or maybe is kill 0. I followed the direction of how to eat and after half surba, i started to feel like i had drunk bangi. Some peculiar highness and excitement all over me. Suddenly, the International life house became mine. I started to think of a good brand new car dealers because there was no way i was going to drive a non convertible car again. Again, it was telling me that it is foolish to drive a second hand Japanese car instead of a car of shop. I am ain't poor.
As I continued to chew, i realized that i had taken long before peeing. When i went to the latrine, only very small urine came out and when it was came out, i felt like it was pour, not urine. From all the people around me that were chewing, I saw their eyes protruding, Maddo style. I refused to know, but because i was feeling like pouring, i thought they were feeling the same, and it is common for a person pouring feeling like eyes were about to remove from socket.
From that time, I constantly felt like I was about to pour. As night progressed, I called the person that I told you about the other day, the Mukabete and told her not to put thuruari on because my tree must sleep inside. I dont know but this person used to salivate anytime she heard my zig zag will enter her.
When i arrived at her place, my tree was protruding out with gukia.
Fast forward:... The moment i inserted my josto on her kamonie, it felt like pouring there there. My eyes started to remove from socket small small, ready to pour. I waited for pour to remove but where, it could not come out.
I pumped and pumped and let the person say mbus. To be honest, I had never heard her say mbus like that. I changed positions and ramnyad all direction. All through, i felt the way you feel when pouring. Imagine that utam. The muclimbano lasted more than one hour, non stop, save for the small duration when i was rounding the person to change position.
Though i used to ramnya this person enough time, until sometime it even refused to pour, she had never experienced the vigor I had that day. It was unlike me.. I ramnyad the person until she poured like 3 times. Before, she only used to pour once. Her kamonie was average.. nothing special but her msuckile was out of this world. I think that is why i used to manage more than one joti. She was the first person ever to suck my nyees until i said mbus and poured.
When i finally poured, it was only small drop that removed. My tree never falled, even small. She sucked nyees as usual and i ramnyad the person 4 jotis for the first time in a my life!
From the side effects of Miraa the following day, I vowed never to touch it again. My mouth was full of wounds. Being a novice in chewing, I had hurt myself so bad that i was not able to eat for the next two days. Again, i had given so many hopeless stories of giants. I remembered an old joke i once heard of two guys at Hilton hotel and pictured myself being taken by the dudes as one of those. Two guys were chewing miraa outside Hilton. One told the other that he will buy Hilton hotel tomorrow of that day. The other guy looked at him with anger and asked him, "Who told you i am selling it?"
Tomorrow of that week, I remembered another person I was climbing but had never satisfied her, even once. There was this person that had a hole that tasted as if it had sand inside. Her kamonie had texture of sandpaper, and was so hot until I was never able to tolerate the mixture of utam. All the many times i ramnyad, i used to pour in less than 90 seconds. Not that i used to time myself, just some rough estimate. She used to call me "gakuku gakwa" (my chicken) because of the way i used to pour fast. Infact, she once suggested i go see a doctor because my fast pouring was not only abnormal, but also disturbing.
She was my junior in a place we were written together, far more junior but she used to take home more than me. I had a loan that was being deducted, plus other deductions I cant remember they were for what. At the end of the month, she used to laugh on the side when she saw how sad i was when checking at my payslip. Even accounts department had known me by my steps because every end month, i used to visit to dispute some deductions. Despite her taking more than me, she still expected me to cater for some of her needs. Some persons of out have no head.
The earlier week's experience with Miraa had given me an idea. One gig great idea of our times. Miraa!. It would make me eat her for at least 30 minutes and make her pour for the first time. I was getting a red zone because, i never, even once satisfied this person with muclimbano but still, she stuck with me. She stuck with me even when I was scratching skin because of loan. Whatever she was getting from me was so little, but she still stuck with me. I was getting worried now.
I had tried other stuff to enhance my climbing ability before but they did not work for me. I had tried Mukobero but found it tasting like shit. I had also tried Enzoy but it did not work for me. Enzoy, despite tasting so bad only enabled me to stand harder than normal but not to make me not pour fast.
I called her in the afternoon and asked her "eee, kianda kuhana atia?" (How is down?). She told me no pampers. I told her to come in the evening with thuruari on head. She said 'Ningurehe uragarugire hau ta kaguku uria umenyerete" (I will bring it you jump like chicken the way you are used to)
Because i did not want her see me eating miraa, I started early enough, so that by 8, i would quit miraa and drink beer. I called Kiogora and told him to take me to the place we were last time. Miraa is one stuff you cant eat alone. You need a person to beat story of giant together. I was ready to live with the consequences of wounds in my mouth, as long as i will eat the sandpapered tiita for 30 minutes non stop without pouring.
We started chewing at around 3ish and by the time she told me she was on her way, at around 8ish, I had started to feel like pouring, just by imagining how I will tear the sandpaper until it becomes smooth. I pitied anybody that will ever eat the tiita again thinking he will find sand papered tiita, only to find wanjohi smoothened it long time.
By this time, i was not feeling like quiting eating miraa. Infact i felt like buying another kilo. Although it was a very tiring work, i wondered why people have never invented a way they can extract the miraa juice and package for those of us who are lazy to chew. It would surely give them brisk business.
There are few bad side of miraa. Many clubs dont allow Miraa chewers. They even print big words that say, "no chewing of miraa. If you are caught, you will be crashed nyee". Only in rifa rori you will find a place they allow miraa and I was also not willing to tell the person to come to that dingy joint. She had temper, sometimes was too bad, and with her temper, there was likelihood she could return thuruari. Again, even if the big clubs allow, I wouldn't want to meet people that know me in those club when chewing miraa. They will refuse to know.
We finally settled for Red Carpet in ngara. It does not refuse people to chew, but chewers stay out with their miraa and their protruding eyes.
When she joined us, she refused to know since when i started eating miraa. I told her it was Kiogoz's not mine. After small time, she accepted that Wanjohi is of news and can do anything. I had previously many times, escaped and left her in bar after money finished. I once told her to buy a round because my ATM had "refused to remove money'. She knew for sure there was nothing and assumed she did not hear. And who is me. Any other time money finished, I just switched off my phone and disappeared in thin air. Just like the other day, we chewed until almost morning.
From there, we took a room in some guest called Kings. This person never used to allow me in her house. Maybe there was another person that was ramnyaring or something. All climbing were done in hotel rooms.
When we entered the room, the person removed all clothes and hopped into the bathroom. She had a habit of first bathing every time we entered room. When i saw her naked body, i waited for my tree to stand voluntarily and jump on her even before entering bathroom. My tree was feeling like pouring, but it was not waking up.
She invited me to bath with her but i declined. I removed clothes and lay on bed, refusing to know why my tree was not responding to both physical and emotional commands.
When she finished bathing, I sucked the thermos that keep baby's milk, sucked tiita but my tree could still not stand. She came and sucked all my body, including tree but where. I was feeling like to pour, but the tree was not standing. I could read impatience in her eyes but could do nothing. She asked me what was wrong with me. I told her i it is the work of satan. She started to complain, saying i must have climbed someone that evening and thats why my tree was not responding. I asked if she felt it smelling like it had climbed when she was sucking. To calm her, i told her to take my phone and abuse Kiogora because all my troubles generated from him.
I tried to think of nice things, nice persons i see on TV and facebook, her well shaped body but where.
After all that failed, we fell asleep until tomorrow of that day. When we woke up, my tree had standed so hard that i did not even wait for her to get on heat. I jumped on the person immediately coz i feared it might sleep again, thus embarrassing me further.
Immediately my riang'a entered somebody, I felt like pouring. I thought it was just like the previous week's experience where i felt like pouring all night. But woe unto me, i did not attempt even to remove. I felt eyes almost gouge out, then nyee shaking, then,... pwafff. I poured two drops and collapsed on top of her.
She shook me and asked "Yani Wamagogo you have poured?' I said unfortunately, i had. She threw me aside and woke up. She then threw saliva out and said "We niwitaraga hari arume riu? ona nguku ni afadhari" (Do you count yourself among men? Even chicken is better)
I took the abuses positively though. Climbing junior is not funny because, she could afford to tell me such strong words, despite me being her boss.
From that day, i said miraa and me are in-laws. But I might want to try again soon with someone that is refusing to remove for me because i told her the truth: I pour like chicken.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
How Granpa's Advise Landed Me In 'Trouble'.
My grandfather was one of the greatest sage of his time. He was so wise, especially on matters to do with persons of out that even other elders came to seek his advise on those matters. Sometimes, i wonder what would have been of me had i not received the many priceless advises from me.
Among the priceless advises he gave me were that if I thought I was a climber, I should first climb red hot burning charcoal. Another day, he asked me how many persons i will marry when i grow up. I told him three will be cool, just like him. He thought for a moment, looked at me from toe to head, then told me that if I do that, I will have my problems tripped. If i marry two, you have two sets of problems. He told me that all persons of out are all the same and they are all impossible to handle. If you dont handle with care, you land on hard ground. He also told me that all holes are the same and it will be pursuit in vain to get a second or third.
Another time, he heard that i had fought a guy over a girl. In the evening, he called me in his thingira and told me. ' Now, you are starting to behave as if you dont have blood of this clan, I want to to listen and listen good. In every person of out, she has a hole in the middle. That hole can eat a whole 10 storey building. In that hole, men pour inside and no matter how many pours you pour, you can never fill it. It does not matter how many men pour inside, they will never fill it. It is the only hole in this whole world that can never be filled. It is foolish to fight over a girl. Ok? Dont be like nyees of mburi"
I take some of his advises seriously, though at times, in a misguided manner. It is that last advise that i remembered and put into action one time when i was still a pupil of Universal professional college (now University). After we threw stones to motorists over i cant remember what, the headmaster of that college sent a memo that the college had been closed until further notice. I did not want to go to Kigogoine village because it was coffee picking season. Besides picking coffee, all men had to keep vigil at night because thieves of coffee were too many. (I hear this days, they have breaked record until if a car is seen at night, all people call each other to check where it is going. Coffee has ripen so much and it has become thieves favourite. Uncle made sure all coffee farmers get their houses smell onion. But thieves have now stopped robbing banks, they are now stealing coffee)
Because I did not want to be a watchman over my dad's coffee, I decided to go to my cousin's who was staying at Civil servants. My cousin used to drink beer like he did not feel tha for himself. He was also a climber with ka ear. He lived in a one roomed house, meaning when he came with a person, i used to sleep on the ground. When he was ramnyaring, i would ukia the whole night, wishing it was me ramnyaring. But I would comfort myself and say that one day, i will also climb them when i get employed.
One day, he came dead drunk as usual and with a person. I removed from bed and laid an old mattress on the ground and covered myself. I open a space small and watched in horror as the person undressed. Though not clear due to darkness, the small light penetrating the room made me see small. She had a bumpy thutha and super KCC. Then my cuzo also undressed and staggering, jump on her.
There there, mbus started after he started ramnyaring her. uuiii P, ooohh. hinginsa kambisa, na ngufu uuu aaaa ' in ki Cambodian. Mbus became more and more until i was unable to terorate.
There there, an idea came to me. After all, I could also pour if i wanked on their action and mbus. I removed my boxer and threw it far away.
Just as I started to jerk, the mbus stopped. My cuzo that had poured. I refused to know what to do because i did not want them hear me jerking and saying mbus when i pour. I tried to jerk slowly slowly but was not feeling anything. It was like eating a person of out with big kamonie like ocean. I tried to think of her bumpy thutha but where. My tree, because it had stayed like 6 months without entering any hole, told me to do it justice by jerking powerfully. But i told it that there was some impediments because I did not want them to hear me jerking.
After small time, i heard my cuzo wake up. Then, he went to where he kept old newspapers and teared a piece. Then, i heard 'fwafwafwafwafwaffwaa', as he rubbed the newspaper together. That told me that he was going to the latrine. The latrine was like 50 meters away. I had also come to learn that he was one chap that was never in a hurry when helping himself. In that communal latrine, when people had it was P that was there, they gave themselves shuguli because he used to take hell alot of time. It is then that what my grandfather once told me started to linger in my memory. "Wanjohi...... no matter how many people pour in that hole, it can never be filled....."
Immediately he left the door, I woke up and tip toed to the bed. With my riang'a standing 90 degrees, I touched her small, not knowing what she would react. When i heard no resistance, I took the ru KCC and sucked small. When i saw she was not refusing, I jumped on the bed and made to her centre. I pointed the rianga and ramnyad. I ramnyad and ramnyad and let the person say mbus.
When i poured, I jumped from that bed and returned to the mat down. Immediately, cuzo entered the house and jumped in bed. I dont know if he ramnyad again, because I was no longer interested, my needs had been fulfilled. But my worse nightmare was in the morning.
In the morning as we were taking turungi, he told me. "mundu, to nindiraiguire ukiria mundu wakwa ri, niurekirire makobosto?"(Person, because i heard you eat my person, did you use makobosto?) I gave an evil laughter and denied ramnyaring. He told me that he came and heard me ramnya but waited for me to finish first. When he went to the latrine, he failed to mia and thats why he returned so fast.
He then told me "mangai iyo niui ndiramirutire kirafu. Ni maraya cia kirafu. Ni uhitagia muno" (Do you know I picked that from a club. It is a trapper of clubs. Sometimes, you do bad)
There there, my nyees returned to my stomach. I started to think that i had contacted mneck. For a whole one year before i went to VCT, i lived a miserable life. Whenever i caught a slight cold, or had a slight headache, i was thinking it was mneck.
From that day, i said that i will stop misinterpreting Grandpas advises. I think what he meant was that I should never take it personal, like killing a person, for example, because they have ramnyad my person. He also meant that you should never covert or boast you ate, I dont know hole of who. You aint the first nor the last. And you can never finish. Or do i have somebody that can interpret better for me?
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Among the priceless advises he gave me were that if I thought I was a climber, I should first climb red hot burning charcoal. Another day, he asked me how many persons i will marry when i grow up. I told him three will be cool, just like him. He thought for a moment, looked at me from toe to head, then told me that if I do that, I will have my problems tripped. If i marry two, you have two sets of problems. He told me that all persons of out are all the same and they are all impossible to handle. If you dont handle with care, you land on hard ground. He also told me that all holes are the same and it will be pursuit in vain to get a second or third.
Another time, he heard that i had fought a guy over a girl. In the evening, he called me in his thingira and told me. ' Now, you are starting to behave as if you dont have blood of this clan, I want to to listen and listen good. In every person of out, she has a hole in the middle. That hole can eat a whole 10 storey building. In that hole, men pour inside and no matter how many pours you pour, you can never fill it. It does not matter how many men pour inside, they will never fill it. It is the only hole in this whole world that can never be filled. It is foolish to fight over a girl. Ok? Dont be like nyees of mburi"
I take some of his advises seriously, though at times, in a misguided manner. It is that last advise that i remembered and put into action one time when i was still a pupil of Universal professional college (now University). After we threw stones to motorists over i cant remember what, the headmaster of that college sent a memo that the college had been closed until further notice. I did not want to go to Kigogoine village because it was coffee picking season. Besides picking coffee, all men had to keep vigil at night because thieves of coffee were too many. (I hear this days, they have breaked record until if a car is seen at night, all people call each other to check where it is going. Coffee has ripen so much and it has become thieves favourite. Uncle made sure all coffee farmers get their houses smell onion. But thieves have now stopped robbing banks, they are now stealing coffee)
Because I did not want to be a watchman over my dad's coffee, I decided to go to my cousin's who was staying at Civil servants. My cousin used to drink beer like he did not feel tha for himself. He was also a climber with ka ear. He lived in a one roomed house, meaning when he came with a person, i used to sleep on the ground. When he was ramnyaring, i would ukia the whole night, wishing it was me ramnyaring. But I would comfort myself and say that one day, i will also climb them when i get employed.
One day, he came dead drunk as usual and with a person. I removed from bed and laid an old mattress on the ground and covered myself. I open a space small and watched in horror as the person undressed. Though not clear due to darkness, the small light penetrating the room made me see small. She had a bumpy thutha and super KCC. Then my cuzo also undressed and staggering, jump on her.
There there, mbus started after he started ramnyaring her. uuiii P, ooohh. hinginsa kambisa, na ngufu uuu aaaa ' in ki Cambodian. Mbus became more and more until i was unable to terorate.
There there, an idea came to me. After all, I could also pour if i wanked on their action and mbus. I removed my boxer and threw it far away.
Just as I started to jerk, the mbus stopped. My cuzo that had poured. I refused to know what to do because i did not want them hear me jerking and saying mbus when i pour. I tried to jerk slowly slowly but was not feeling anything. It was like eating a person of out with big kamonie like ocean. I tried to think of her bumpy thutha but where. My tree, because it had stayed like 6 months without entering any hole, told me to do it justice by jerking powerfully. But i told it that there was some impediments because I did not want them to hear me jerking.
After small time, i heard my cuzo wake up. Then, he went to where he kept old newspapers and teared a piece. Then, i heard 'fwafwafwafwafwaffwaa', as he rubbed the newspaper together. That told me that he was going to the latrine. The latrine was like 50 meters away. I had also come to learn that he was one chap that was never in a hurry when helping himself. In that communal latrine, when people had it was P that was there, they gave themselves shuguli because he used to take hell alot of time. It is then that what my grandfather once told me started to linger in my memory. "Wanjohi...... no matter how many people pour in that hole, it can never be filled....."
Immediately he left the door, I woke up and tip toed to the bed. With my riang'a standing 90 degrees, I touched her small, not knowing what she would react. When i heard no resistance, I took the ru KCC and sucked small. When i saw she was not refusing, I jumped on the bed and made to her centre. I pointed the rianga and ramnyad. I ramnyad and ramnyad and let the person say mbus.
When i poured, I jumped from that bed and returned to the mat down. Immediately, cuzo entered the house and jumped in bed. I dont know if he ramnyad again, because I was no longer interested, my needs had been fulfilled. But my worse nightmare was in the morning.
In the morning as we were taking turungi, he told me. "mundu, to nindiraiguire ukiria mundu wakwa ri, niurekirire makobosto?"(Person, because i heard you eat my person, did you use makobosto?) I gave an evil laughter and denied ramnyaring. He told me that he came and heard me ramnya but waited for me to finish first. When he went to the latrine, he failed to mia and thats why he returned so fast.
He then told me "mangai iyo niui ndiramirutire kirafu. Ni maraya cia kirafu. Ni uhitagia muno" (Do you know I picked that from a club. It is a trapper of clubs. Sometimes, you do bad)
There there, my nyees returned to my stomach. I started to think that i had contacted mneck. For a whole one year before i went to VCT, i lived a miserable life. Whenever i caught a slight cold, or had a slight headache, i was thinking it was mneck.
From that day, i said that i will stop misinterpreting Grandpas advises. I think what he meant was that I should never take it personal, like killing a person, for example, because they have ramnyad my person. He also meant that you should never covert or boast you ate, I dont know hole of who. You aint the first nor the last. And you can never finish. Or do i have somebody that can interpret better for me?
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Monday, January 9, 2012
Extra Ordinary Sidekicks
I am the least of you all that subscribes to stereotyping but you will forgive me on this one. I am the least but the least in me fears two types of person. A person of out from Kabete and a Cambodian.
I had to think twice before writing this stuff because i know i will receive thorough bashing from every second person that reads this. But since you cant do anything, I will write as it was.
It is from my personal experience. Not a story of giant. The story of mukabete is real and it can happen to you.
99% of my friends shake nyees when they hear of Mukabete. If you tell Theuri that a person has married a mukabete, he holds his chin and says "Ati ahikirie mukabete? kwisha yeye". He says you would rather one from Nyeri that will beat you up anytime but for Mukabete, naah. He says you can run away from beatings but cannot run from 'love'. I dont know if its true but he says that once you accumulate money, they will then look for what to eat you.
I dont know where Lugali drew boundaries of Kabete but the Kabete we know starts from Kikuyu and stops at Gachie. Kikuyu is the place where cameras of Michael Njenga of Citizen failed when he was covering jujus. They did not fail in Mombasa, Ukambani but when they reached Kikuyu, they refused completely to record. And Gachie you all know, is the place i told you long ago that if you go to a local butchery and order meat of burnt, some dudes will wait until it finishes to burn. When the butcher-man bring it on the table, 4 other guys with atleast a tooth missing will appear and wash hands with you. They then order for ugali and sit next to you. If you complain, you pay Ugali bill too. If you dont talk (because of fear), they pay the Ugali bill. Once they are finished, they go out to wait for another person to come and put meat..
I remembered the story when i heard Prof. Hanington Mugweru of Inooro fm say how people that look tough on the outside get sat on by a sidekick. They shake too much and there is nothing they can do about that.
I once had this 'sidekick' from Kabete that was like no other. To be fair to the truth, she did not look like sun completely, but had figure of sun. The person used to work in a prestigious organization. Human nature (or is it just me) have a tendency to 'like' or admire persons that work in such places. If you tell me that you work for the UN and looks like an orangutan, I will still find it ok to ramnya. I dont know why it is like that but that is it. (or is it a dormant gigolo in me?)
This person was not working for UN but another organization that only employees stainless steeled people. I was getting some services from their company when we met. It started small small until i found my way to her tiita.
I cannot tell if i was blinded by 'love' or it was tree i was picked for but people around me used to say that i was given trees. When i look behind, I also think it was either very powerful tu trees or I was the biggest fool alive at that time.
She used to tell me that she had a boyfriend. In short, she wanted us to play chini ya maji. She used to tell me her man is a very bad tempered man, just like his peers in Meru. She told me that if the boyfriend learnt that i was eating his things, I would get an instant transfer to Kepler 22b. No one would want to go prematurely to Kepler 22b because one, its a long distance and two, no one is 100% sure if they will not be sent to the hot side.
Her man was a Miraa trader. His visit to Nairobi were occasional and when he was here, he kept himself busy with miraa at a joint in Eastleigh. For those who have experience with Miraa, you know that it makes you see tiita as an enemy of tree, especially if you eat them daily.
This person had literally instilled fear and terror in me. I used to literally shake upto my very last toe when i saw her calling. If i delayed picking the call, maximum 15 seconds, that was a story. If i talk in a noisy place, that was a story. If i dont call her three times in a day, that was a story. If she met me with more than 4 friends, that was a story . I feared her like nothing for nothing.
The other side of her was different. She used to buy rounds. She used to lend me money when i was broke. She used to call and tell me how she loves me. The nice things that blinds you.
I was literally obsessed with her. I once punched a friend very hard until he fell under the table for saying that i should not call my maraya where we were. After he recovered from shock and removed from under the table, he said that something was very wrong with me and i need to be prayed for because it like she had cast a spell on me. I kicked him on his nyees until he stopped breathing for 5 minutes. .
There are so many incidences but the one that I dont like remembering even today is this one i will tell you today.
As usual, we had planed to climbana but her man showed up in Nairobi unexpectedly. When i asked what will happen, she told me that i will ramnya once her man had finished. In the evening, they were drinking at club called Disney in Eastleigh. After work, i took a mat to Easich to wait to wait for the man to finish.
When I entered, I saw the person with a man, so huge until i wanted to run away. The man was same size as the guy that acted Iddi Amini. In my head, i was thinking maybe she had learnt, through rumors that i was climbing another person and was looking a way to dispatch me in a way there will be no evidence.
Still shaking, i sat from far and ordered a Tusker. When she saw me , she rose and went to the latrine, then called me on my phone. I went to the latrine to meet her and also to know how. She gave me a K and told me to drink Tuskers as i waited for her to finish with the giant. She told me that since the giant does not last even 5 minutes, I should wait and when he leaves, I enter and sleep there until morning.
When she went back, the man started to fondle her. I felt gikindi choke me but since she like belonged to him, i swallowed it.(Reminds me how Akuku used to feel bad after seeing a married woman he was climbing with her husband). Small time, they rose to go to the room. Shortly, she sent me a text saying that she will let me know once the giant has gone.
When they went to the rooms, the manager came and we started talking. He was my friend for sometime and he knew the person was mine. He asked me what went wrong with my person. I told him that was the thief and i was waiting for him to leave room so that i can enjoy free room. He only smiled and gave an impression that he had seen such cases many times.
I began to imagine how i will ramnya her tasteful tiita, although it will have been eaten half by the original owner. Although her's could never be compared with the one that had hole that appeared as it it had sand inside, hers was average, but extra ordinary in this sense. When removing josto, walls of her kamonie used to remove with it too. So, i used to enjoy looking as i enter and remove.
Hours and hours passed without the guy leaving. My tree had readied to ranmnya but hope seemed to fade with every passing minute. The beer stopped tasting good because, all i was thinking was how she was getting ramnywad while i was being beaten by cold in the bar. At 4AM, I gave up and went home. .
At exactly 6, the person called me. When she heard i was not in the bar, she went hysterical there there. Shaking all parts of my body, including my ears, I climbed matatu very first upto Disney again.
I knocked on the door, shaking small because i was not sure who will open and again, i was not sure how she will react. She opened for me while still stark naked. When she saw me, she started to throw fit, saying i dont love her nor care about her. I asked her why, she said that if indeed i cared, i would not have left, I would have stayed until her man left. I tried calmed her down but where. Part of the reason why i was calming her down was because I wanted to climb. The things were displayed for me but you cant climb a person sobbing. Another thing, I felt some powerful forces telling me that i owed her, i had the duty to care.
She calmed small and lay facing up. Tiita was being displayed to me but could not eat. It was same like seing tiita in picture. I started to think how the giant was eating the tiita with no mercy and badly, yet me that eats good and takes care was going to eat by head
When i attempted to touch, she cried more and more, saying that i only like climbing her and that i was not sensitive to her emotional feeling. In my head, I was also refusing to know what i was lacking. I failed to know why i was stooping so low but could not get answers. But the more i tried to get answers, the more my tree stood.
After she finished throwing the fits, i watched in disbelieve as she dressed up.
Anyway, I dont believe it was tree but the ukabete in her. They know how to handle men until you refuse to know themselves. Once you refuse to know yourself, they keep you under their armpits. Love blinds.
About the Cambondians: Mmmm... I know what you are thinking. Its not juju. Its the way they give you tiita. They give you tiita so good until you lost your home and shift to hers. The way your give tiita also blinds.
But woe unto those that ramnyas ones from Nyeri and Muranga. Nyeri will beat you up if you stay long before pouring. Muranga ones will tell you to pour faster because they want to go back to Muthuari to sell mari mari. The last two are only good for PMs because they will make money for you. A good man would also need someone to beat them up when they misbehave. But if you want to feel mzuri, or if you already have money and is looking for people to spend with, either Cambondian or Kabetites.
I am as guilty as charged.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
I had to think twice before writing this stuff because i know i will receive thorough bashing from every second person that reads this. But since you cant do anything, I will write as it was.
It is from my personal experience. Not a story of giant. The story of mukabete is real and it can happen to you.
99% of my friends shake nyees when they hear of Mukabete. If you tell Theuri that a person has married a mukabete, he holds his chin and says "Ati ahikirie mukabete? kwisha yeye". He says you would rather one from Nyeri that will beat you up anytime but for Mukabete, naah. He says you can run away from beatings but cannot run from 'love'. I dont know if its true but he says that once you accumulate money, they will then look for what to eat you.
I dont know where Lugali drew boundaries of Kabete but the Kabete we know starts from Kikuyu and stops at Gachie. Kikuyu is the place where cameras of Michael Njenga of Citizen failed when he was covering jujus. They did not fail in Mombasa, Ukambani but when they reached Kikuyu, they refused completely to record. And Gachie you all know, is the place i told you long ago that if you go to a local butchery and order meat of burnt, some dudes will wait until it finishes to burn. When the butcher-man bring it on the table, 4 other guys with atleast a tooth missing will appear and wash hands with you. They then order for ugali and sit next to you. If you complain, you pay Ugali bill too. If you dont talk (because of fear), they pay the Ugali bill. Once they are finished, they go out to wait for another person to come and put meat..
I remembered the story when i heard Prof. Hanington Mugweru of Inooro fm say how people that look tough on the outside get sat on by a sidekick. They shake too much and there is nothing they can do about that.
I once had this 'sidekick' from Kabete that was like no other. To be fair to the truth, she did not look like sun completely, but had figure of sun. The person used to work in a prestigious organization. Human nature (or is it just me) have a tendency to 'like' or admire persons that work in such places. If you tell me that you work for the UN and looks like an orangutan, I will still find it ok to ramnya. I dont know why it is like that but that is it. (or is it a dormant gigolo in me?)
This person was not working for UN but another organization that only employees stainless steeled people. I was getting some services from their company when we met. It started small small until i found my way to her tiita.
I cannot tell if i was blinded by 'love' or it was tree i was picked for but people around me used to say that i was given trees. When i look behind, I also think it was either very powerful tu trees or I was the biggest fool alive at that time.
She used to tell me that she had a boyfriend. In short, she wanted us to play chini ya maji. She used to tell me her man is a very bad tempered man, just like his peers in Meru. She told me that if the boyfriend learnt that i was eating his things, I would get an instant transfer to Kepler 22b. No one would want to go prematurely to Kepler 22b because one, its a long distance and two, no one is 100% sure if they will not be sent to the hot side.
Her man was a Miraa trader. His visit to Nairobi were occasional and when he was here, he kept himself busy with miraa at a joint in Eastleigh. For those who have experience with Miraa, you know that it makes you see tiita as an enemy of tree, especially if you eat them daily.
This person had literally instilled fear and terror in me. I used to literally shake upto my very last toe when i saw her calling. If i delayed picking the call, maximum 15 seconds, that was a story. If i talk in a noisy place, that was a story. If i dont call her three times in a day, that was a story. If she met me with more than 4 friends, that was a story . I feared her like nothing for nothing.
The other side of her was different. She used to buy rounds. She used to lend me money when i was broke. She used to call and tell me how she loves me. The nice things that blinds you.
I was literally obsessed with her. I once punched a friend very hard until he fell under the table for saying that i should not call my maraya where we were. After he recovered from shock and removed from under the table, he said that something was very wrong with me and i need to be prayed for because it like she had cast a spell on me. I kicked him on his nyees until he stopped breathing for 5 minutes. .
There are so many incidences but the one that I dont like remembering even today is this one i will tell you today.
As usual, we had planed to climbana but her man showed up in Nairobi unexpectedly. When i asked what will happen, she told me that i will ramnya once her man had finished. In the evening, they were drinking at club called Disney in Eastleigh. After work, i took a mat to Easich to wait to wait for the man to finish.
When I entered, I saw the person with a man, so huge until i wanted to run away. The man was same size as the guy that acted Iddi Amini. In my head, i was thinking maybe she had learnt, through rumors that i was climbing another person and was looking a way to dispatch me in a way there will be no evidence.
Still shaking, i sat from far and ordered a Tusker. When she saw me , she rose and went to the latrine, then called me on my phone. I went to the latrine to meet her and also to know how. She gave me a K and told me to drink Tuskers as i waited for her to finish with the giant. She told me that since the giant does not last even 5 minutes, I should wait and when he leaves, I enter and sleep there until morning.
When she went back, the man started to fondle her. I felt gikindi choke me but since she like belonged to him, i swallowed it.(Reminds me how Akuku used to feel bad after seeing a married woman he was climbing with her husband). Small time, they rose to go to the room. Shortly, she sent me a text saying that she will let me know once the giant has gone.
When they went to the rooms, the manager came and we started talking. He was my friend for sometime and he knew the person was mine. He asked me what went wrong with my person. I told him that was the thief and i was waiting for him to leave room so that i can enjoy free room. He only smiled and gave an impression that he had seen such cases many times.
I began to imagine how i will ramnya her tasteful tiita, although it will have been eaten half by the original owner. Although her's could never be compared with the one that had hole that appeared as it it had sand inside, hers was average, but extra ordinary in this sense. When removing josto, walls of her kamonie used to remove with it too. So, i used to enjoy looking as i enter and remove.
Hours and hours passed without the guy leaving. My tree had readied to ranmnya but hope seemed to fade with every passing minute. The beer stopped tasting good because, all i was thinking was how she was getting ramnywad while i was being beaten by cold in the bar. At 4AM, I gave up and went home. .
At exactly 6, the person called me. When she heard i was not in the bar, she went hysterical there there. Shaking all parts of my body, including my ears, I climbed matatu very first upto Disney again.
I knocked on the door, shaking small because i was not sure who will open and again, i was not sure how she will react. She opened for me while still stark naked. When she saw me, she started to throw fit, saying i dont love her nor care about her. I asked her why, she said that if indeed i cared, i would not have left, I would have stayed until her man left. I tried calmed her down but where. Part of the reason why i was calming her down was because I wanted to climb. The things were displayed for me but you cant climb a person sobbing. Another thing, I felt some powerful forces telling me that i owed her, i had the duty to care.
She calmed small and lay facing up. Tiita was being displayed to me but could not eat. It was same like seing tiita in picture. I started to think how the giant was eating the tiita with no mercy and badly, yet me that eats good and takes care was going to eat by head
When i attempted to touch, she cried more and more, saying that i only like climbing her and that i was not sensitive to her emotional feeling. In my head, I was also refusing to know what i was lacking. I failed to know why i was stooping so low but could not get answers. But the more i tried to get answers, the more my tree stood.
After she finished throwing the fits, i watched in disbelieve as she dressed up.
Anyway, I dont believe it was tree but the ukabete in her. They know how to handle men until you refuse to know themselves. Once you refuse to know yourself, they keep you under their armpits. Love blinds.
About the Cambondians: Mmmm... I know what you are thinking. Its not juju. Its the way they give you tiita. They give you tiita so good until you lost your home and shift to hers. The way your give tiita also blinds.
But woe unto those that ramnyas ones from Nyeri and Muranga. Nyeri will beat you up if you stay long before pouring. Muranga ones will tell you to pour faster because they want to go back to Muthuari to sell mari mari. The last two are only good for PMs because they will make money for you. A good man would also need someone to beat them up when they misbehave. But if you want to feel mzuri, or if you already have money and is looking for people to spend with, either Cambondian or Kabetites.
I am as guilty as charged.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Friday, January 6, 2012
Miguna Miguna's Blood in Me Backfires.
You got to have nyees of steel to reject a job you had previously fought for. To reject such a thing, you must have the blood of Miguna. If you have no idea who Miguna is, it is the guy that was rubbed job small by his boss for making himself his own maker. After getting rubbed, he then threaten to write a book about about all 'muclimbano' stories he knows about his boss. But since no one want stories of muclimbano shared with the public, the boss closed one eye on him and told him to cool small. He then sent his GM to tell him that he can have his job back. Instead of kneeling down to thank God that he has finally gotten back a job he had been fighting for, he told the GM that he cannot talk to a 'subordinate'.
When i was doing Microsoft word, I learn t to use Thesaurus. Thesaurus tells you meaning of some words and when i checked what subordinate means, i refused to know. It should only be refereed to a person that cleans the office floor and the one that is sent to pick mails from Posta and our receptionist. If you refer any other person as subordinate, that amounts to abusing the Queen of England and all those that speaks English.
Further to refusing his job, he also said that he cannot be reporting to another subordinate called Mwas. In short, he told them to go climb.
I was in the same situation a while back. One day, I was first written as subordinate, to be sent here and there. After few days, worked harder until the boss realized that i could save word document faster than the secretary. There there, he elevated me to a position where I started interacting with people with steel nyees where i started making a name for myself.
There is a talent i was given that is extra ordinare. And that is pretending. In my course of saving word documents, i pretended that i was not given loud mouth and that i could keep what i see and hear to myself. The boss trusted me so much until he started to send me to get him persons of out.
In my course of pretending, he thoughted that i was also so intelligent when i provided a solution that could rival Mayans or ancient Shinese sage. One day, he asked us to brainstorm on something. He told us to think of ways to kill a cockroach without using a cent on doom or ua mende, ua kunguru, hautawai ona mende kwako.
The Gm suggested that we can use Mwiko. He rejected the idea because that involved spilling blood. The accountant said we starve them. he rejected that too because he said that that would cause uproar from the Hague. Only North Korea can do that. The receptionist and secretarial said we can throw it out of the window. That was rejected because he said cockroaches can fly small. I lifted my hand, stood up, then cleared my throat , then in loud voice, i said it was simple. Just take the cockroach and turn it upside down. When legs face up, it will die there there, naturally. He got impressed by the idea and loved me more.
In my head, i telled myself that the boss trusted and liked me so much. From that day, I started to be the boss of other bosses and people written there, even those with higher rank than me, including the general manager. To me, he was like any other subordinate
In that office, everybody started to both loathe and hate me. Serious hate. After everybody hated me, they conspired to have me kicked in the balls once and for all. One good morning, I woke up to report to work late as I had been used to. I had been used to going to work late because no one could question me. When i entered the office, I saw everybody smile. Before, they used to frown whenever i entered the office, so i was refusing to know what had changed. Others used to shake nyee because i could authorize their transfer to Mogadishu or have their medical cover terminated without consultation
Before passing the reception desk, the secretarial and receptionist told me to come and save a document that she had just finished typing. Like i was used to doing, i told her to wait until i finish reading all newspapers.
She gave me a look until i refused to know. When i attempted to walk past, a security guard jumped and told me to have my nyees frisked first because i was no longer trusted because i had been seen in some company that had similar description of Alshabaab.
I resisted and asked him if he knew who i was. He told me that even if i was my uncle, he would still frisk me. He told me to take my who is me to my house. There there, i refused to know what devil had catched him. The same fella that was saluting me days before was now frisking me.
That is why i am refusing to know why people are condemning the Deputy Shief justice, just because she threatened to shoot one security guard. If ti was Prof. Obel, somebody would have been down. Again, any of us would have done the same. Infact i hate all security guards, especially of banks. The other day, i wanted to hit one on his nyees after he refused me to enter a bank after i was late with 47 seconds. I begged and begged and the more i begged, the more he refused. I have also had been refused to enter some places by a security guard even after introducing myself as a coveted nephew of the man that lives behind University of Nairobi.
After he finished, he gave me a go ahead to enter the reception desk. Before saving , i decided to read the doc first. What i saw made my nyees go in my stomach. The content said that I had been suspended for gross misconduct, including climbanaring in the office. In the same letter, it said that it had images of me captured by CCTV climbanaring.
I had climbanad countless times but was never aware that they had installed CCTV. Before refusing to know what to do, the secretary called the security guard downstairs and instructed him to escort me until i was out of the building. I was not even allowed to enter my office until the investigations were complete.
Once I was out of the building, i dialed my boss's no. When he picked, he answered
"mundu nu?" (who is this).
I refused to know how he had lost my number. I said "Ni Wanjohi" (Its wanjohi). He asked which and i said Wa Kigogoine. He said he knows so many Kigogoines and i should introduce myself properly. When i told him it is the one that is saves documents where he is the boss, he laughed small and said he will call back when he finishes the meeting.
From that day, i tried to plead with the boss, telling him that people in that office wanted to finish me because i was royal to him. I told him that if indeed there were images of me climbing, it was manipulated by programs like Photoshops. He said how on earth that was possible. I Photoshopped one photo of my uncle being whipped by auntie but where. He said it was real picture and told me to have good head. He asked me if had remained one boil before being born because it appeared i had not boiled completely.
When it became apparent that i was about to rubbed after the suspension, i emailed the boss and told him that i will write a story on Wanjohi daily on how he climbanas, even without makobosto. I told him that i will also share with my fb buddies once i write. I told him that because I had heard with rumors that he wanted to vie for a political office, it will, for sure finish him once and for all. Because i am a master photo shopper, I Photoshopped pictured of him climbing the secretary and sent it to him. I told him that I will also send it to his pm and political opponents. When he viewed the picture, he believed it was real and refused to know how he got captured. Because none of his age mates know you can manipulate an image, I threatened to circulate the picture during this erection year.
I then called the secretarial aka receptionist and told her that i have a damning report and photos of her affair with the boss and that i will send the report to her fiancee. Due to her momo structure and her year of birth, destroying her current relationship would spell another many years of solo status. Although our blood never mixes after she threatened to sue me when i entered the office singing wa ka half's song "Ino ni momo...", on this day, she begged me like the way you can beg a person of out that has removed thuruari but has refused to put legs apart.
There there, they all started to run hector skater in order to prevent me from writing the story. After few hours, they sent the General manager to my rifa rodi shop to tell me that i can have my job back.
Although i badly need the job back, I wanted to make their nyees shake. I heavily borrowed Migush's tactic told the GM that I don't take orders from sub Ordinates and if indeed he wanted me back, he should come in person to my house when sun is in the middle, not at night.
When he was leaving, i smiled on outside but i was sad on inside. I wanted my job back and the influence i had but i wanted to make them shake nyee one more time.
I have not heard from them again. But a cat has nine lives. And in any case, since i still have wanjohidaily, i can still make some money. Again, my rifa rori shop is still there. But I want big money. I want ideas of how I can make them shake nyees again. I want them to beg me. This is erection year, we must touch money but can only touch properly if we are on the inside.
Give me ideas...
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
When i was doing Microsoft word, I learn t to use Thesaurus. Thesaurus tells you meaning of some words and when i checked what subordinate means, i refused to know. It should only be refereed to a person that cleans the office floor and the one that is sent to pick mails from Posta and our receptionist. If you refer any other person as subordinate, that amounts to abusing the Queen of England and all those that speaks English.
Further to refusing his job, he also said that he cannot be reporting to another subordinate called Mwas. In short, he told them to go climb.
I was in the same situation a while back. One day, I was first written as subordinate, to be sent here and there. After few days, worked harder until the boss realized that i could save word document faster than the secretary. There there, he elevated me to a position where I started interacting with people with steel nyees where i started making a name for myself.
There is a talent i was given that is extra ordinare. And that is pretending. In my course of saving word documents, i pretended that i was not given loud mouth and that i could keep what i see and hear to myself. The boss trusted me so much until he started to send me to get him persons of out.
In my course of pretending, he thoughted that i was also so intelligent when i provided a solution that could rival Mayans or ancient Shinese sage. One day, he asked us to brainstorm on something. He told us to think of ways to kill a cockroach without using a cent on doom or ua mende, ua kunguru, hautawai ona mende kwako.
The Gm suggested that we can use Mwiko. He rejected the idea because that involved spilling blood. The accountant said we starve them. he rejected that too because he said that that would cause uproar from the Hague. Only North Korea can do that. The receptionist and secretarial said we can throw it out of the window. That was rejected because he said cockroaches can fly small. I lifted my hand, stood up, then cleared my throat , then in loud voice, i said it was simple. Just take the cockroach and turn it upside down. When legs face up, it will die there there, naturally. He got impressed by the idea and loved me more.
In my head, i telled myself that the boss trusted and liked me so much. From that day, I started to be the boss of other bosses and people written there, even those with higher rank than me, including the general manager. To me, he was like any other subordinate
In that office, everybody started to both loathe and hate me. Serious hate. After everybody hated me, they conspired to have me kicked in the balls once and for all. One good morning, I woke up to report to work late as I had been used to. I had been used to going to work late because no one could question me. When i entered the office, I saw everybody smile. Before, they used to frown whenever i entered the office, so i was refusing to know what had changed. Others used to shake nyee because i could authorize their transfer to Mogadishu or have their medical cover terminated without consultation
Before passing the reception desk, the secretarial and receptionist told me to come and save a document that she had just finished typing. Like i was used to doing, i told her to wait until i finish reading all newspapers.
She gave me a look until i refused to know. When i attempted to walk past, a security guard jumped and told me to have my nyees frisked first because i was no longer trusted because i had been seen in some company that had similar description of Alshabaab.
I resisted and asked him if he knew who i was. He told me that even if i was my uncle, he would still frisk me. He told me to take my who is me to my house. There there, i refused to know what devil had catched him. The same fella that was saluting me days before was now frisking me.
That is why i am refusing to know why people are condemning the Deputy Shief justice, just because she threatened to shoot one security guard. If ti was Prof. Obel, somebody would have been down. Again, any of us would have done the same. Infact i hate all security guards, especially of banks. The other day, i wanted to hit one on his nyees after he refused me to enter a bank after i was late with 47 seconds. I begged and begged and the more i begged, the more he refused. I have also had been refused to enter some places by a security guard even after introducing myself as a coveted nephew of the man that lives behind University of Nairobi.
After he finished, he gave me a go ahead to enter the reception desk. Before saving , i decided to read the doc first. What i saw made my nyees go in my stomach. The content said that I had been suspended for gross misconduct, including climbanaring in the office. In the same letter, it said that it had images of me captured by CCTV climbanaring.
I had climbanad countless times but was never aware that they had installed CCTV. Before refusing to know what to do, the secretary called the security guard downstairs and instructed him to escort me until i was out of the building. I was not even allowed to enter my office until the investigations were complete.
Once I was out of the building, i dialed my boss's no. When he picked, he answered
"mundu nu?" (who is this).
I refused to know how he had lost my number. I said "Ni Wanjohi" (Its wanjohi). He asked which and i said Wa Kigogoine. He said he knows so many Kigogoines and i should introduce myself properly. When i told him it is the one that is saves documents where he is the boss, he laughed small and said he will call back when he finishes the meeting.
From that day, i tried to plead with the boss, telling him that people in that office wanted to finish me because i was royal to him. I told him that if indeed there were images of me climbing, it was manipulated by programs like Photoshops. He said how on earth that was possible. I Photoshopped one photo of my uncle being whipped by auntie but where. He said it was real picture and told me to have good head. He asked me if had remained one boil before being born because it appeared i had not boiled completely.
When it became apparent that i was about to rubbed after the suspension, i emailed the boss and told him that i will write a story on Wanjohi daily on how he climbanas, even without makobosto. I told him that i will also share with my fb buddies once i write. I told him that because I had heard with rumors that he wanted to vie for a political office, it will, for sure finish him once and for all. Because i am a master photo shopper, I Photoshopped pictured of him climbing the secretary and sent it to him. I told him that I will also send it to his pm and political opponents. When he viewed the picture, he believed it was real and refused to know how he got captured. Because none of his age mates know you can manipulate an image, I threatened to circulate the picture during this erection year.
I then called the secretarial aka receptionist and told her that i have a damning report and photos of her affair with the boss and that i will send the report to her fiancee. Due to her momo structure and her year of birth, destroying her current relationship would spell another many years of solo status. Although our blood never mixes after she threatened to sue me when i entered the office singing wa ka half's song "Ino ni momo...", on this day, she begged me like the way you can beg a person of out that has removed thuruari but has refused to put legs apart.
There there, they all started to run hector skater in order to prevent me from writing the story. After few hours, they sent the General manager to my rifa rodi shop to tell me that i can have my job back.
Although i badly need the job back, I wanted to make their nyees shake. I heavily borrowed Migush's tactic told the GM that I don't take orders from sub Ordinates and if indeed he wanted me back, he should come in person to my house when sun is in the middle, not at night.
When he was leaving, i smiled on outside but i was sad on inside. I wanted my job back and the influence i had but i wanted to make them shake nyee one more time.
I have not heard from them again. But a cat has nine lives. And in any case, since i still have wanjohidaily, i can still make some money. Again, my rifa rori shop is still there. But I want big money. I want ideas of how I can make them shake nyees again. I want them to beg me. This is erection year, we must touch money but can only touch properly if we are on the inside.
Give me ideas...
PS:
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Why I was Made an Elder On Xmas Day
I have so many stories to beat to you until i am refusing to know where to start. I have muclimbano stories, including the stag party one and several others but since I dont want you to end year with your tree standing, I will reserve that for January. For now, I will update what happened during the first day of the holiday season.
I should have written this in the morning but i woke up in the at 3PM after Sir chaos made me drink Yohana Mtembezi until morning. The disadvantage of Yohana is that it makes you get drunk with manners, not hobera hobera. It cant make you refuse to know yourself. And if you want to refuse to know yourself, you must drink many many and in hurry and due to its prohibitive price, one must drink slowly slow, especially if you are not the one buying, rest you are told to do equal equal. God knows i cant buy even a tot of Johny Walker, unless devil has entered me. When you take a sip of Yohana, you know well that one sip is equal to one full Summit. So, jana i took 100 summits? God forbid.
When some of you traveled to Mombasa and Maasai Mara for the holidays, I traveled to the village. I would have loved to be in Mombasa to eat happy like you but my wallet has been experiencing severe acute malnutrition for the last three months after one of my partner broke his hands, hence he cant sign cheques :) Ok. Let me stop unyee, it is the dollar that had been causing that but in January, we will have money like of thiefs because dollar has finally stabilized. I can sell what i had hoarded since Nov.. To subject myself conditions, like going to Mombasa is an outright death sentence.
But when you were busy eating happy, i was busy being installed a village elder. Those that
follow me on twira or facebook were able to follow the coronation life life because i was reporting it as it was happening.
I earned the title through my ability to do fundraising for their beer for the entire period and my ability to bring people, some I don't even know together. What I did was to make some few of us that come from the city do equal equal for several crates of Allsopps beer and KCs and several other stuff i cant recall their names, only if i see the containers.
In my village, all people hold me with much respect because i was the only one that never drinked cigarettes or entered bars when I was in school. I also never drank bangi openly, making me one of the most valued sons of my village. For Theuri, he started drinking cigarettes and eating persons openly immediately he got circumcised, so, he grew up being disliked far more, because of even talking too much. So, when word spread that i had been seen enter a local, all former school mates, most of them high on yokozuna 24/7 and former teacher traced us in one of the bars.
"We Wanjohi, we read with you, Wanjohi, i taught you, Wanjohi, xyz.."chorus was all i could here. Enjoying attention in the village comes with many costs, chief among them, financial. When they asked for beer, I would tell them to beat round small and come back because Mpesa was experiencing delays.
Small time, I heard Theuri say to Mafiosa "Niui Mutongoria ni kabia mwaniki. Arumaga akihuhaga. Aya andu monire wanjohi utuku matimui. No nake, umuthi niaguitana, ngu make sure ni maria mbeca iria ciothe enacio" (You know wanjohi is rat mwaniki, that eat small small, you dont see the harm. I will make sure all money he has is eaten by these people singing him"
Since the people were not bulging at all, they sat next to us. When i asked what they will drink, they said they will drink some stuff costing 120 for a 750 ml. Theuri protested and said that i should not buy them that, at worst, atleast KC. He told them "Nimui uyu riu ni mutongoria na ena mbeca muno. Niwe wandikagira Jaguar Nyimbo, kinya Kigeu geu niwe wandikire. I mutikimui ndari mukigu cukuru." (This man is a leader. He is the one that even writes songs for Jaguar, including Kigeugeu. You know he was not foolish in school, right?)
At that time, beer had catched me well, so i told them that I was indeed the one that composed Kigeugeu. I told them that Jaguar was my friend and we talk everyday. I told them that he such a friend that i can punch him on face and make him say sorry to me for punching him. The guys, either through my imagination, or theirs appeared to believe me. To prove my point, i told them i even have his number.
In my phone, i have a contact name saved Jaguar. Its not a real name. The owners's real name is Marto but to easily differentiate the many matos i have, and i don't like saving him Marto Kandinya, i decided to save him as Jaguar. I think i have told you before about this Marto before. Is the same guy I told you that in his life, since i knewed him like 5 years ago, he has never entered a bar with a person of out and he has never left a bar without a person of out. He measures and within no time, especially when they get drunk, identifies one, even if its of owner and removes with them. The only time i saw him enter was one time and when he called them, he said 5 should come. You can imagine two people buying beer for 5 persons at club Sylk. Isn't nyees going to stomach?
Most of the persons, when they see his phones, they never resist because their main intention is to steal his phones. But woe unto them because even if they steal the phones, they are all insured. Marto is not fun of beer but you all know those that dont drink do what? Eat as many persons as they can. I would have loved to tell you how many persons he ate during the stag but since he reads this blog and he has a service voucher he promised to give me, I dont want to risk him withdrawing. Just incase he reads here, Marto did not eat any person. Only me ate. No one else ate. Only Wanjohi. (Long when i write about this)
To prove my friendship with Jaguar, I removed my phone and dialed 'Jaguar's' no. 'Jaguar' picked phone and when i told him i have his fans that wanted to talk to him, he obliged and talked to like 10 people. I don't know what they were saying, but since he knows I used to drink bangi and sometimes it ririmukas, he let it pass.
Theuri then told them that i also write for Njogu wa Njoroge what to say in the morning. He told them that what he says does not come from head but reading like news, all written by me. I told them that i drink with him every Friday and Saturday at Citrus Inn. I told them that i don't even call him Njogu, i call him Gashogu because he is shorter than me and fears me. I asked the group who wanted to speak to Njogu and three lifted their hands. I went to my phone book, edited one Chairman's no and saved it as Gashogu ka Nyawira. When i dialed his number, it appeared like i was now calling Gashogu.
The chairman, who was drinking at in Kiriaini beer of 95 bob talked to me small and after talking small, I told him there were people that wanted to say hi. Thinking it was persons of out, he heard it were men, calling him Njogu. He refused to know and cut the phone. When he cut, i told them that Njogu does not like being disturbed, and they all understood. I don't know how many other people i manufactured, so if i called you on that day and you talked to some people, don't think it was the devil that had catched me, i was trying to prove friendship existence of some people. The 120 beer made them drunk very fast and small time, they all left, some falling falling due to drunkenness.
All this while, there were some elderly people watching us from far, and some were listening. One of them was my former primary school teacher. Like a great pyshcologist, he had known that i tell stories of giants at times, especially to people that don't know me, so he came to me. He said "Ee.. Wanjohi na to ukuku ndugaguo uhoro i, nie ndirenda kuinuka. No to ndirenda uge nindaregire kunyua mucufa waku ri, nyuaga Tusker ndire ndaguagua" (Wanjohi, coz night is never said news, I dont want you to go saying, ooh, Mwalimu refused your beer. I drink Tusker, i have never fallen)
Before i could call the waiter to deliver, 4 other former teachers, fetinaries and other elders were lining up and demanding their share. When i weighed the situation, I saw the best alternative is to make all of us buy the elders by force. I told the guys were with "Tuikei equal equal athuri aya manyue njohi. Mundu arute ona muti umwe umwe" (Lets do equal equal, this men drink beer. Each one of us remove a K.)
I called the teacher that said Tusker and told him "Nyua njohi iria unyuaga tutari nawe, no niithue tukutura. usker thiku ici mekirire mai muno. I ndurona ndiranyua Summit. Ndukanyue njohi itangikuria. Sawa?" (Drink the beer that you drink on normal days. These days, they put Tusker water too much. You see I am taking Summit?)
He looked at me as if i am the wisest man after my grandpa and Uncle that lives behind UON and said "Waria ta athuri mugwanja. Reke tunyue Allsopps" (You have talked like 7 men. Lets drink Allsopps) . A crate was sent but still, they wanted to roga their drinks with KC. We sent several KCs but still wanted more harder stuff i heard them call it 'shuma'.
There there, three elders came and started to talk to me like i was the area MP. One of them asked why i had not presented my candidature for MP or senator. I told them i will be standing in Nairobi starehe. They appeared very disturbed. They told me that from that moment, they have announced me an elder, although I have not removed any goat. He put beer on his mouth and spilt on the ground for the ancestors, then on his chest, then on me. Two others did the same, making me officially an elder. One however said that the ancestors don't like Allsopps, only Muratina. To brew Muratina, I had to part with 500 bob for preparation. When you are being singed, you cant resist with such 'meagre' amount. When he saw i parted with the 5sock so fast, he said i also need to buy a stool where i will sit for a K. It is then i told them that mpesa has started to experience delay again and we should wait for 10 minutes.
When they saw the cow has refused, they went to sit and continue downing the Allsopps. Its like another man was waiting for them to leave. One man came and told me that he heard that i have never gotten myself a PM. I told him i have but he refused to accept. When he insisted and to make him go away, i told him that i will marry next year. He smiled and said i am his son and that he had a daughter, now finished form four and he want to give me by force. I told him unless she come as second PM because official PM was there. When i tried to ignore him, he would issue threats, including to scratch his navel. I don't know what repercussions would be but since i did not want to be the first, I endured his lectures.
I was only saved when the man who anointed me as an elder came and said in loud voice " Ee.. Ithanduku riri tukinyite, riauma he wanjohi. Na riathira tutikunyua ringi tondu turona ta aharire" (this crate has come from Wanjohi and when it finishes, we wont ask for another because he looks like he has harad) Before he could finish, i told the waiter to take another crate. All Allsopps beer had finished, so they opted for Pilsner. And because it was an equal equal stuff, i did not have any fear.
In one of the corners in that bar, there were persons of out that looked like sun. They were seated with equally young boys i heard were in university with them and some from the village. I didn't know that my village could produce such stunningly hot persons. Besides being hot, some were dressed in tight stockings some people mistakenly call them trousers. Those are the types that you see tiita very well from far. Others were on blouses you could see half brookie. The last time i was in the village, it was a taboo for a person of out to wear trouser or any dress that does not touch toes.
We had feared to call them on our table before because of the wazees but after they refused to know themselves, we Theuri told one of the guys we were with to threaten them with a round of beer. We told him since he does not get paid in birds that can fly away, he is a leader. He did not refuse, but only bought for the three persons. Small time, we called them and they sat on our table. After we knew each other well and their homes, I said they get a round. When the waiter brought the bill to me, I told her to add on the one we were to do equal equal (the one for the elders). I told them to drink more and more, sending all bills to equal equal bill, although no one was knowing that i was sending to the equal equal bill.
As we were drinking, my tree had standed and i was drawing how to eat one, although grass of home is not eaten. I called the one who was with a tight 'trao' and visible tiita and we started to chat. Like Nairobi persons, when i talked to her in Greek, she was returning in English. When i asked her where she works, my tree that was now measuring how many jotis it will pour suddenly shrunk. The person works in a Casino in Malindi. I have never been to Malindi, only Wakanai has , but I am sad to report that most of them leave thuruari in Nairobi.
Maybe it is the village in me but when i hear a person of out works in Mombasa or Malindi, my tree refuses, unless she works at the port and shows me proof by displaying her job card. In many cases i know, when they climb Mombasa raha and Coast bus, they remove thuruari and throw it away when they reach Mlolongo or furthest, Athi River. In my head, i was seeing her how she sucks trees of Italians after they finish gambling.
Theuri in the meantime was entertaning his with his stories of giants. I heard she studies in USIU or something, its subject to verification. At first, she attempted to talk to Theuri in English but who is Theuri. Theuri told her "Nie ka mai daughter, ona gatiri gaikara gishagi ona mweri, na ndakariria gikuyu gachokagia na gikuyu. Na kena miaka ikumi. Riu we na urereirwo guku mbocoine, orandigithia muno ati utuire boarding kuma class one ati ndui gikuyu" (My daghter, 10yrs can talk Saps. You, you were born here and you pretend you cant speak saps. Kari gani?) After that, she came down and started to talk in Saps. But she did not last long there, small time, she shifted to another guy that looked like he had more firmer steel nyees than Theuri.
Small time, I gave myself shuguli after sometime and shifted to one, Momo. Momo, for those who dont know, is one that before agreeing to chogiiogio, it drinks several littles of Diesel and you all know how expensive diesel is nowadays. When you want to fall it, like what one Sam says, you need to get a tranquilizer.
But on looking at her legs of elephant, i said bad is bad. The person told me she is also a pupil of USIU. I think I am a daft but in my head, i filled a college either in Zimmer or another one in Ruiru. After the elders left, we were more at liberty to do whatever we wanted. When I attempted to insert hand small, she did not refuse. I telled myself that she has had all men's hand touch in all clubs in Thika road. The person had Nairobi enter her so much because when i inserted more more inside, i felt like she did not have thuruari, though she refused me to pass more (not intentionally, but the piece of meat could not allow me better). As i was touching small small, i said that i will not fear nor favor, henceforth any person i meet in Nairobi that looks like sun because, chances are, she was born and bred in some village similar to Kigogoine.
Before we could strike a deal, some few minutes past 3AM, we heard door being knocked by force. It was the area Chief and his askaris. They ordered all of us enter a pick up they had come with because of drinking after hours. One guy went and told the askaris that he was an officer. He was met with a hard slap and his o officer jumped in pick up.
I wanted to tell them if they have heard or seen me somewhere but when I saw how they slapped their colleague, I dashed to the loo and locked myself. I could not stand the shame of being locked in a mabati cell.
After small time, the owner of bar came and 'settled' the chief and his officers and those that had climbed the pickup removed. When i removed from toilet, I didnt see the persons and i have since forgoten what name i used to save them in my phonebook, it might as well become a dream to eat grass of home.
I found Theuri and two others on table, still drinking. They laughed when he saw me and said "Shifu nu riu? Ona Kiraithe angiuka haha itangigiukira. Turi aria oru" But later, i heard they entered under the table and hid there when the rest were being driven out.
We asked for the bill of those my former teachers and other elders. When it came, it was 20 bob shy away to 7 k. I told each person, 6 of us to remove each 1500. Before me removing mine, i already had 7,500. I pocketed the extra 500 bob when i saw they were not jumping on anything.
Unfortunately for me, i had to travel back to Nairobi because my boss wanted me to come and show him how to save a document he had been typing the whole day on 27th. Thats how i found myself in Nairobi before the holiday was over, thereby denying me a chance to eat grass of home. In the meantime, Theuri and Mafiosa are still in shags and its like they dont want to come until next year. Theuri told me that already, two hawks are down.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
I should have written this in the morning but i woke up in the at 3PM after Sir chaos made me drink Yohana Mtembezi until morning. The disadvantage of Yohana is that it makes you get drunk with manners, not hobera hobera. It cant make you refuse to know yourself. And if you want to refuse to know yourself, you must drink many many and in hurry and due to its prohibitive price, one must drink slowly slow, especially if you are not the one buying, rest you are told to do equal equal. God knows i cant buy even a tot of Johny Walker, unless devil has entered me. When you take a sip of Yohana, you know well that one sip is equal to one full Summit. So, jana i took 100 summits? God forbid.
When some of you traveled to Mombasa and Maasai Mara for the holidays, I traveled to the village. I would have loved to be in Mombasa to eat happy like you but my wallet has been experiencing severe acute malnutrition for the last three months after one of my partner broke his hands, hence he cant sign cheques :) Ok. Let me stop unyee, it is the dollar that had been causing that but in January, we will have money like of thiefs because dollar has finally stabilized. I can sell what i had hoarded since Nov.. To subject myself conditions, like going to Mombasa is an outright death sentence.
But when you were busy eating happy, i was busy being installed a village elder. Those that
follow me on twira or facebook were able to follow the coronation life life because i was reporting it as it was happening.
I earned the title through my ability to do fundraising for their beer for the entire period and my ability to bring people, some I don't even know together. What I did was to make some few of us that come from the city do equal equal for several crates of Allsopps beer and KCs and several other stuff i cant recall their names, only if i see the containers.
In my village, all people hold me with much respect because i was the only one that never drinked cigarettes or entered bars when I was in school. I also never drank bangi openly, making me one of the most valued sons of my village. For Theuri, he started drinking cigarettes and eating persons openly immediately he got circumcised, so, he grew up being disliked far more, because of even talking too much. So, when word spread that i had been seen enter a local, all former school mates, most of them high on yokozuna 24/7 and former teacher traced us in one of the bars.
"We Wanjohi, we read with you, Wanjohi, i taught you, Wanjohi, xyz.."chorus was all i could here. Enjoying attention in the village comes with many costs, chief among them, financial. When they asked for beer, I would tell them to beat round small and come back because Mpesa was experiencing delays.
Small time, I heard Theuri say to Mafiosa "Niui Mutongoria ni kabia mwaniki. Arumaga akihuhaga. Aya andu monire wanjohi utuku matimui. No nake, umuthi niaguitana, ngu make sure ni maria mbeca iria ciothe enacio" (You know wanjohi is rat mwaniki, that eat small small, you dont see the harm. I will make sure all money he has is eaten by these people singing him"
Since the people were not bulging at all, they sat next to us. When i asked what they will drink, they said they will drink some stuff costing 120 for a 750 ml. Theuri protested and said that i should not buy them that, at worst, atleast KC. He told them "Nimui uyu riu ni mutongoria na ena mbeca muno. Niwe wandikagira Jaguar Nyimbo, kinya Kigeu geu niwe wandikire. I mutikimui ndari mukigu cukuru." (This man is a leader. He is the one that even writes songs for Jaguar, including Kigeugeu. You know he was not foolish in school, right?)
At that time, beer had catched me well, so i told them that I was indeed the one that composed Kigeugeu. I told them that Jaguar was my friend and we talk everyday. I told them that he such a friend that i can punch him on face and make him say sorry to me for punching him. The guys, either through my imagination, or theirs appeared to believe me. To prove my point, i told them i even have his number.
In my phone, i have a contact name saved Jaguar. Its not a real name. The owners's real name is Marto but to easily differentiate the many matos i have, and i don't like saving him Marto Kandinya, i decided to save him as Jaguar. I think i have told you before about this Marto before. Is the same guy I told you that in his life, since i knewed him like 5 years ago, he has never entered a bar with a person of out and he has never left a bar without a person of out. He measures and within no time, especially when they get drunk, identifies one, even if its of owner and removes with them. The only time i saw him enter was one time and when he called them, he said 5 should come. You can imagine two people buying beer for 5 persons at club Sylk. Isn't nyees going to stomach?
Most of the persons, when they see his phones, they never resist because their main intention is to steal his phones. But woe unto them because even if they steal the phones, they are all insured. Marto is not fun of beer but you all know those that dont drink do what? Eat as many persons as they can. I would have loved to tell you how many persons he ate during the stag but since he reads this blog and he has a service voucher he promised to give me, I dont want to risk him withdrawing. Just incase he reads here, Marto did not eat any person. Only me ate. No one else ate. Only Wanjohi. (Long when i write about this)
To prove my friendship with Jaguar, I removed my phone and dialed 'Jaguar's' no. 'Jaguar' picked phone and when i told him i have his fans that wanted to talk to him, he obliged and talked to like 10 people. I don't know what they were saying, but since he knows I used to drink bangi and sometimes it ririmukas, he let it pass.
Theuri then told them that i also write for Njogu wa Njoroge what to say in the morning. He told them that what he says does not come from head but reading like news, all written by me. I told them that i drink with him every Friday and Saturday at Citrus Inn. I told them that i don't even call him Njogu, i call him Gashogu because he is shorter than me and fears me. I asked the group who wanted to speak to Njogu and three lifted their hands. I went to my phone book, edited one Chairman's no and saved it as Gashogu ka Nyawira. When i dialed his number, it appeared like i was now calling Gashogu.
The chairman, who was drinking at in Kiriaini beer of 95 bob talked to me small and after talking small, I told him there were people that wanted to say hi. Thinking it was persons of out, he heard it were men, calling him Njogu. He refused to know and cut the phone. When he cut, i told them that Njogu does not like being disturbed, and they all understood. I don't know how many other people i manufactured, so if i called you on that day and you talked to some people, don't think it was the devil that had catched me, i was trying to prove friendship existence of some people. The 120 beer made them drunk very fast and small time, they all left, some falling falling due to drunkenness.
All this while, there were some elderly people watching us from far, and some were listening. One of them was my former primary school teacher. Like a great pyshcologist, he had known that i tell stories of giants at times, especially to people that don't know me, so he came to me. He said "Ee.. Wanjohi na to ukuku ndugaguo uhoro i, nie ndirenda kuinuka. No to ndirenda uge nindaregire kunyua mucufa waku ri, nyuaga Tusker ndire ndaguagua" (Wanjohi, coz night is never said news, I dont want you to go saying, ooh, Mwalimu refused your beer. I drink Tusker, i have never fallen)
Before i could call the waiter to deliver, 4 other former teachers, fetinaries and other elders were lining up and demanding their share. When i weighed the situation, I saw the best alternative is to make all of us buy the elders by force. I told the guys were with "Tuikei equal equal athuri aya manyue njohi. Mundu arute ona muti umwe umwe" (Lets do equal equal, this men drink beer. Each one of us remove a K.)
I called the teacher that said Tusker and told him "Nyua njohi iria unyuaga tutari nawe, no niithue tukutura. usker thiku ici mekirire mai muno. I ndurona ndiranyua Summit. Ndukanyue njohi itangikuria. Sawa?" (Drink the beer that you drink on normal days. These days, they put Tusker water too much. You see I am taking Summit?)
He looked at me as if i am the wisest man after my grandpa and Uncle that lives behind UON and said "Waria ta athuri mugwanja. Reke tunyue Allsopps" (You have talked like 7 men. Lets drink Allsopps) . A crate was sent but still, they wanted to roga their drinks with KC. We sent several KCs but still wanted more harder stuff i heard them call it 'shuma'.
There there, three elders came and started to talk to me like i was the area MP. One of them asked why i had not presented my candidature for MP or senator. I told them i will be standing in Nairobi starehe. They appeared very disturbed. They told me that from that moment, they have announced me an elder, although I have not removed any goat. He put beer on his mouth and spilt on the ground for the ancestors, then on his chest, then on me. Two others did the same, making me officially an elder. One however said that the ancestors don't like Allsopps, only Muratina. To brew Muratina, I had to part with 500 bob for preparation. When you are being singed, you cant resist with such 'meagre' amount. When he saw i parted with the 5sock so fast, he said i also need to buy a stool where i will sit for a K. It is then i told them that mpesa has started to experience delay again and we should wait for 10 minutes.
When they saw the cow has refused, they went to sit and continue downing the Allsopps. Its like another man was waiting for them to leave. One man came and told me that he heard that i have never gotten myself a PM. I told him i have but he refused to accept. When he insisted and to make him go away, i told him that i will marry next year. He smiled and said i am his son and that he had a daughter, now finished form four and he want to give me by force. I told him unless she come as second PM because official PM was there. When i tried to ignore him, he would issue threats, including to scratch his navel. I don't know what repercussions would be but since i did not want to be the first, I endured his lectures.
I was only saved when the man who anointed me as an elder came and said in loud voice " Ee.. Ithanduku riri tukinyite, riauma he wanjohi. Na riathira tutikunyua ringi tondu turona ta aharire" (this crate has come from Wanjohi and when it finishes, we wont ask for another because he looks like he has harad) Before he could finish, i told the waiter to take another crate. All Allsopps beer had finished, so they opted for Pilsner. And because it was an equal equal stuff, i did not have any fear.
In one of the corners in that bar, there were persons of out that looked like sun. They were seated with equally young boys i heard were in university with them and some from the village. I didn't know that my village could produce such stunningly hot persons. Besides being hot, some were dressed in tight stockings some people mistakenly call them trousers. Those are the types that you see tiita very well from far. Others were on blouses you could see half brookie. The last time i was in the village, it was a taboo for a person of out to wear trouser or any dress that does not touch toes.
We had feared to call them on our table before because of the wazees but after they refused to know themselves, we Theuri told one of the guys we were with to threaten them with a round of beer. We told him since he does not get paid in birds that can fly away, he is a leader. He did not refuse, but only bought for the three persons. Small time, we called them and they sat on our table. After we knew each other well and their homes, I said they get a round. When the waiter brought the bill to me, I told her to add on the one we were to do equal equal (the one for the elders). I told them to drink more and more, sending all bills to equal equal bill, although no one was knowing that i was sending to the equal equal bill.
As we were drinking, my tree had standed and i was drawing how to eat one, although grass of home is not eaten. I called the one who was with a tight 'trao' and visible tiita and we started to chat. Like Nairobi persons, when i talked to her in Greek, she was returning in English. When i asked her where she works, my tree that was now measuring how many jotis it will pour suddenly shrunk. The person works in a Casino in Malindi. I have never been to Malindi, only Wakanai has , but I am sad to report that most of them leave thuruari in Nairobi.
Maybe it is the village in me but when i hear a person of out works in Mombasa or Malindi, my tree refuses, unless she works at the port and shows me proof by displaying her job card. In many cases i know, when they climb Mombasa raha and Coast bus, they remove thuruari and throw it away when they reach Mlolongo or furthest, Athi River. In my head, i was seeing her how she sucks trees of Italians after they finish gambling.
Theuri in the meantime was entertaning his with his stories of giants. I heard she studies in USIU or something, its subject to verification. At first, she attempted to talk to Theuri in English but who is Theuri. Theuri told her "Nie ka mai daughter, ona gatiri gaikara gishagi ona mweri, na ndakariria gikuyu gachokagia na gikuyu. Na kena miaka ikumi. Riu we na urereirwo guku mbocoine, orandigithia muno ati utuire boarding kuma class one ati ndui gikuyu" (My daghter, 10yrs can talk Saps. You, you were born here and you pretend you cant speak saps. Kari gani?) After that, she came down and started to talk in Saps. But she did not last long there, small time, she shifted to another guy that looked like he had more firmer steel nyees than Theuri.
Small time, I gave myself shuguli after sometime and shifted to one, Momo. Momo, for those who dont know, is one that before agreeing to chogiiogio, it drinks several littles of Diesel and you all know how expensive diesel is nowadays. When you want to fall it, like what one Sam says, you need to get a tranquilizer.
But on looking at her legs of elephant, i said bad is bad. The person told me she is also a pupil of USIU. I think I am a daft but in my head, i filled a college either in Zimmer or another one in Ruiru. After the elders left, we were more at liberty to do whatever we wanted. When I attempted to insert hand small, she did not refuse. I telled myself that she has had all men's hand touch in all clubs in Thika road. The person had Nairobi enter her so much because when i inserted more more inside, i felt like she did not have thuruari, though she refused me to pass more (not intentionally, but the piece of meat could not allow me better). As i was touching small small, i said that i will not fear nor favor, henceforth any person i meet in Nairobi that looks like sun because, chances are, she was born and bred in some village similar to Kigogoine.
Before we could strike a deal, some few minutes past 3AM, we heard door being knocked by force. It was the area Chief and his askaris. They ordered all of us enter a pick up they had come with because of drinking after hours. One guy went and told the askaris that he was an officer. He was met with a hard slap and his o officer jumped in pick up.
I wanted to tell them if they have heard or seen me somewhere but when I saw how they slapped their colleague, I dashed to the loo and locked myself. I could not stand the shame of being locked in a mabati cell.
After small time, the owner of bar came and 'settled' the chief and his officers and those that had climbed the pickup removed. When i removed from toilet, I didnt see the persons and i have since forgoten what name i used to save them in my phonebook, it might as well become a dream to eat grass of home.
I found Theuri and two others on table, still drinking. They laughed when he saw me and said "Shifu nu riu? Ona Kiraithe angiuka haha itangigiukira. Turi aria oru" But later, i heard they entered under the table and hid there when the rest were being driven out.
We asked for the bill of those my former teachers and other elders. When it came, it was 20 bob shy away to 7 k. I told each person, 6 of us to remove each 1500. Before me removing mine, i already had 7,500. I pocketed the extra 500 bob when i saw they were not jumping on anything.
Unfortunately for me, i had to travel back to Nairobi because my boss wanted me to come and show him how to save a document he had been typing the whole day on 27th. Thats how i found myself in Nairobi before the holiday was over, thereby denying me a chance to eat grass of home. In the meantime, Theuri and Mafiosa are still in shags and its like they dont want to come until next year. Theuri told me that already, two hawks are down.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Friday, December 23, 2011
Happy Holidays...
This is a very busy time of year and I wanted to take a moment to wish you and your family a very joyous, safe and fulfilling Holiday Season. :-)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
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