Why I was Made an Elder On Xmas Day

I have so many stories to beat to you until i am refusing to know where to start. I have muclimbano stories, including the stag party one and several others but since I dont want you to end year with your tree standing, I will reserve that for January. For now, I will update what happened during the first day of the holiday season.

I should have written this in the morning but i woke up in the at 3PM after Sir chaos made me drink Yohana Mtembezi until morning. The disadvantage of Yohana is that it makes you get drunk with manners, not hobera hobera. It cant make you refuse to know yourself. And if you want to refuse to know yourself, you must drink many many and in hurry and due to its prohibitive price, one must drink slowly slow, especially if you are not the one buying, rest you are told to do equal equal. God knows i cant buy even a tot of Johny Walker, unless devil has entered me. When you take a sip of Yohana, you know well that one sip is equal to one full Summit. So, jana i took 100 summits? God forbid.

When  some of you traveled to Mombasa and Maasai Mara for the holidays, I traveled to the village. I would have loved to be in Mombasa to eat happy like you but my wallet has been experiencing severe acute malnutrition for the last three months after one of my partner broke his hands, hence he cant sign  cheques :) Ok. Let me stop unyee, it is the dollar that had been causing that but in January, we will have money like of thiefs because dollar has finally stabilized. I can sell what i had hoarded since Nov.. To subject myself conditions, like going to Mombasa is an outright death sentence.

But when you were busy eating happy, i was busy being installed a village elder. Those that
follow me on twira or facebook were able to follow the coronation life life because i was reporting it as it was happening.

I earned the title through my ability to do fundraising for their beer for the entire period and my ability to bring people, some I don't even know together. What  I did was to make some few of us that come from the city do equal equal for several crates of Allsopps beer and  KCs  and several other stuff i cant recall their names, only if i see the containers.

In my village, all people hold me with much respect because i was the only one that never drinked cigarettes or entered bars when I was in school. I also never drank bangi openly, making me one of the most valued sons of my village. For Theuri, he started drinking cigarettes and eating persons openly immediately he got circumcised, so, he grew up being disliked far more, because of even talking too much. So,  when word spread that i had been seen enter a local, all former school mates, most of them high on yokozuna 24/7 and former teacher traced us in one of the bars.

"We Wanjohi, we read with you, Wanjohi, i taught you, Wanjohi, xyz.."chorus was all i could here. Enjoying attention in the village comes with many costs, chief among them, financial. When they asked for beer, I would tell them to beat round small and come back because Mpesa was experiencing delays.

Small time, I heard Theuri say to Mafiosa "Niui Mutongoria ni kabia mwaniki. Arumaga akihuhaga. Aya andu monire wanjohi utuku matimui. No nake, umuthi niaguitana, ngu make sure ni maria mbeca iria ciothe enacio" (You know wanjohi is rat mwaniki, that eat small small, you dont see the harm. I will make sure all money he has is eaten by these people singing him"

Since the people were not bulging at all, they sat next to us. When  i asked what they will drink, they said they will drink some stuff costing 120 for a 750 ml. Theuri protested and said that i should not buy them that, at worst, atleast KC. He told them  "Nimui uyu riu ni mutongoria na ena mbeca muno. Niwe wandikagira Jaguar Nyimbo, kinya Kigeu geu niwe wandikire. I mutikimui ndari mukigu cukuru." (This man is a leader. He is the one that even writes songs for Jaguar, including Kigeugeu. You know he was not foolish in school, right?)

At that time, beer had catched me well, so i told them that I was indeed the one that composed Kigeugeu. I told them that Jaguar was my friend and we talk everyday. I told them that he such a friend that i can punch him on face and make him say sorry to me for punching him. The guys, either through my imagination, or theirs appeared to believe me. To prove my point, i told them i even have his number.

In my phone, i have a contact name saved Jaguar. Its not a real name. The owners's real name is Marto but to easily differentiate the many  matos i have, and i don't like saving him Marto Kandinya, i decided to save him as Jaguar. I think i have told you before about this Marto before. Is the same guy I told you that in his life, since i knewed him like 5 years ago, he has never entered a bar with a person of out and he has never left a bar without a person of out. He measures and within no time, especially when they get drunk, identifies one, even if its of owner and removes with them. The only time i saw him enter was one time and when he called them, he said 5 should come. You can imagine two people buying beer for 5 persons at club Sylk. Isn't nyees going to stomach?

Most of the persons, when they see his phones, they never resist because their main intention is to steal his phones. But woe unto them because even if they steal the phones, they are all insured. Marto is not fun of beer but you all know those that dont drink do what? Eat as many persons as they can. I would have loved to tell you how many persons he ate during the stag but since he reads this blog and he has a  service voucher he promised to give me, I dont want to risk him withdrawing. Just incase he reads here, Marto did not eat any person. Only me ate. No one else ate. Only Wanjohi. (Long when i write about this)

To prove my friendship with Jaguar, I removed my phone and dialed 'Jaguar's' no. 'Jaguar' picked phone and when i told him i have his fans that wanted to talk to him, he obliged and talked to like 10 people. I don't know what they were saying, but since he knows I used to drink bangi and sometimes it ririmukas, he let it pass.

Theuri then told them that i also write for Njogu wa Njoroge what to say in the morning. He told them that what he says does not come from head but reading like news, all written by me. I told them that i drink with him every Friday and Saturday at Citrus Inn. I told them that i don't even call him Njogu, i call him Gashogu because he is shorter than me and fears me.  I  asked the group who wanted to speak to Njogu and three lifted their hands. I went to my phone book, edited one Chairman's no and saved it as Gashogu ka Nyawira. When i dialed his number, it appeared like i was now calling Gashogu.

The chairman, who was drinking at in Kiriaini beer of 95 bob talked to me small and after talking small, I told him there were people that wanted to say hi. Thinking it was persons of out, he heard it were men, calling him Njogu. He refused to know and cut the phone. When he cut, i told them that Njogu does not like being disturbed, and they all understood. I don't know how many other people i manufactured, so if i called you on that day and you talked to some people, don't think it was the devil that had catched me, i was trying to prove friendship existence of some people. The 120 beer made them drunk very fast and small time, they all left, some falling falling due to drunkenness.
 
All this while, there were some elderly people watching us from far, and some were listening.  One of them was my former primary school teacher. Like a great pyshcologist, he had known that i tell stories of giants at times, especially to people that don't know me, so he came to me. He said "Ee.. Wanjohi na to ukuku ndugaguo uhoro i, nie ndirenda kuinuka. No to ndirenda uge nindaregire kunyua mucufa waku ri, nyuaga Tusker ndire ndaguagua" (Wanjohi, coz  night is never said news, I dont want you to go saying, ooh, Mwalimu refused your beer. I drink Tusker, i have never fallen)

Before i could call the waiter to deliver, 4 other former teachers, fetinaries and other elders were lining up and demanding their share. When i weighed the situation, I saw the best alternative is to make all of us buy the elders by force. I told the guys were with "Tuikei equal equal athuri aya manyue njohi. Mundu arute ona muti umwe umwe" (Lets do equal equal, this men drink beer. Each one of us remove a K.)

I called the teacher that said Tusker and told him "Nyua njohi iria unyuaga tutari nawe, no niithue tukutura. usker thiku ici mekirire mai muno. I ndurona ndiranyua Summit.  Ndukanyue njohi itangikuria. Sawa?" (Drink the beer that you drink on normal days. These days, they put Tusker water too much. You see I am taking Summit?)

He looked at me as if i am the wisest man after my grandpa and Uncle that lives behind UON and said "Waria ta athuri mugwanja. Reke  tunyue Allsopps" (You have talked like 7 men. Lets drink Allsopps) . A crate was sent but still, they wanted to roga their drinks with KC. We sent several KCs but still wanted more harder stuff i heard them call it 'shuma'.

There there, three elders came and started to talk to me like i was the area MP. One of them asked why i had not presented my candidature for MP or senator. I told them i will be standing in Nairobi starehe. They appeared very disturbed. They told me that from that moment, they have announced me an elder, although I have not removed any goat. He put beer on his mouth and spilt on the ground for the ancestors, then on his chest, then on me. Two others did the same, making me officially an elder. One however said that the ancestors don't like Allsopps, only Muratina. To brew Muratina, I had to part with 500 bob for preparation. When you are being singed, you cant resist with such 'meagre' amount. When he saw i parted with the 5sock so fast, he said i also need to buy a stool where i will sit for a K. It is then i told them that mpesa has started to experience delay again and we should wait for 10 minutes.

When they saw the cow has refused, they went to sit and continue downing the Allsopps. Its like another man  was waiting for them to leave. One man came and told me that he heard that i have never gotten myself a PM. I told him i have but he refused to accept. When he insisted and to make him go away, i told him that i will marry next year. He smiled and said i am his son and  that he had a daughter, now finished form four and he want to give me by force. I told him unless she come as second PM because official PM was there. When i tried to ignore him, he would issue threats, including to scratch his navel. I don't know what repercussions would be but since i did not want to be the first, I endured his lectures.

I was only saved when the man who anointed me as an elder came and said in loud voice " Ee.. Ithanduku riri tukinyite, riauma he wanjohi. Na riathira tutikunyua ringi tondu turona ta aharire" (this crate has come from Wanjohi and when it finishes, we wont ask for another because he looks like he has harad) Before he could finish, i told the waiter to take another crate. All Allsopps beer had finished, so they opted for Pilsner. And because it was an equal equal stuff, i did not have any fear.

In one of the corners in that bar, there were persons of out that looked like sun. They were seated with equally young boys i heard were in university with them and some from the village.  I didn't know that my village could produce such stunningly hot persons. Besides being hot, some were dressed in tight stockings some people mistakenly call them  trousers. Those are the types that you see tiita very well from far. Others were on blouses you could see half brookie. The last time i was in the village, it was a taboo for a  person of out to wear trouser or any dress that does not touch toes.

We had feared to call them on our table before because of the wazees but after they refused to know themselves, we Theuri told one of the guys we were with to threaten them with a round of beer. We told him since he does not get paid in birds that can fly away, he is a leader. He did not refuse, but only bought for the three persons.  Small time, we called them and they sat on our table. After we knew each other well and their homes, I said they get a round. When the waiter brought the bill to me, I told her to add on the one we were to do equal equal (the one for the elders). I told them to drink more and more, sending all bills to equal equal bill, although no one was knowing that i was sending to the equal equal bill.

As we were drinking, my tree had standed and i was drawing how to eat one, although grass of home is not eaten. I called the one who was with a tight 'trao' and  visible tiita and we started to chat. Like Nairobi persons, when i talked to her in Greek, she was returning in English. When i asked her where she works, my tree  that was now measuring how many jotis it will pour suddenly shrunk. The person works in a Casino in Malindi. I have never been to Malindi, only Wakanai has , but I am sad to report that most of them leave thuruari in Nairobi.

Maybe it is the village in me but when i hear a person of out works in Mombasa or Malindi, my tree refuses, unless she works at the port and shows me proof by displaying her job card. In many cases i know, when they climb Mombasa raha and Coast bus, they remove thuruari and throw it away when they reach Mlolongo or furthest, Athi River. In my head, i was seeing her how she sucks trees of Italians after they finish gambling.

Theuri in the meantime was entertaning his with his stories of giants. I heard she studies in USIU or something, its subject to verification. At first, she attempted to talk to Theuri in English but who is Theuri. Theuri told her "Nie ka mai daughter, ona gatiri gaikara gishagi ona mweri, na ndakariria gikuyu gachokagia na gikuyu. Na kena miaka ikumi. Riu we na urereirwo guku mbocoine, orandigithia muno ati utuire boarding kuma class one ati ndui gikuyu" (My daghter, 10yrs can talk Saps. You, you were born here and you pretend you cant speak saps. Kari gani?) After that, she came down and started to talk in Saps. But she did not last long there, small time, she shifted to another guy that looked like he had more firmer steel nyees than Theuri.

Small time, I gave myself shuguli after sometime and shifted to one, Momo. Momo, for those who dont know, is one that before agreeing to chogiiogio, it drinks several littles of Diesel and you all know how expensive diesel is nowadays. When you want to fall it, like what one Sam says, you need to get a tranquilizer.

But on looking at her legs of elephant, i said bad is bad. The person told me she is also a pupil of USIU.  I think I am a daft but in my head, i filled a college either in Zimmer or another one in Ruiru.  After the elders left, we were more at liberty to do whatever we wanted.  When I attempted to  insert hand small, she did  not refuse. I telled myself that she has had all men's hand touch in all clubs in Thika road.  The person had Nairobi enter her so much because when i inserted more more inside,  i felt like she did not have thuruari, though she refused me to pass more (not intentionally, but the piece of meat could not allow me better). As i was touching small small, i said that i will not fear nor favor, henceforth any person i meet in Nairobi that looks like sun because, chances are, she was born and bred in some village similar to Kigogoine. 

Before we could strike a deal, some few minutes past 3AM, we heard door being knocked by force. It was the area Chief and his askaris. They ordered all of us enter a pick up they had come with because of drinking after hours.  One guy went and told the askaris that he was an officer. He was met with a hard slap and his o officer jumped in pick up.

I wanted to tell them if they have heard or seen me somewhere but when I saw how they slapped their colleague, I dashed to the loo and locked myself. I could not stand the shame of being locked in a mabati cell.

After small time, the owner of bar came and 'settled' the chief and his officers and those that had climbed the pickup removed. When i removed from toilet, I didnt see the persons and i have since forgoten what name i used  to save them in my phonebook, it might as well become a dream to eat grass of home.

I found Theuri and two others on table, still drinking. They laughed when he saw me and said "Shifu nu riu? Ona Kiraithe angiuka haha itangigiukira. Turi aria oru"  But later, i heard they entered under the table and hid there when the rest were being driven out.

We asked for the bill  of those my former teachers and other elders. When it came, it was 20 bob shy away to 7 k. I told each person, 6 of us to remove each  1500. Before me removing mine, i already had 7,500. I pocketed the extra 500 bob when i saw they were not jumping on anything.

Unfortunately for me, i had to travel back to Nairobi because my boss wanted me to come and show him how to save a document he had been typing the whole day on 27th. Thats how i found myself in Nairobi before the holiday was over, thereby denying me a chance to eat grass of home. In the meantime, Theuri and Mafiosa are still in shags and its like they dont want to come until next year. Theuri told me that already, two hawks are down.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine