The Wrath of a Scorned Trapper

Until recently, I have underestimated the wrath of a scorned trapper. I escaped having my nyees removed some few days ago. Had it not for the fact that I don’t eat trappers anymore, I would be nyeeless today.

One evening in the year 2008, out of small imaginary disagreement with my person I had kept , we threw hands. This is the person I told you about that wanted to behave like a PM.  Because I had written myself to eat somebody on that day and my person had thrown hands, I decided to go to a place I could catch one cold one and at the same time, prey on some person with thuruari on head. I had heard with rumors that Umoja was a haven for persons with thuruari on head. I wanted to find for myself, so i headed straight to Hb umo.

I gave myself a seat near the DJ because I knew in my head that all person of out that goes to request a song or say hi to the DJ are, in most cases thurariless. In other words, they go to tell the DJ, although in coded words  (unless the DJ has no good head to decode the message) that they stopped wearing thuruari long time. But sadly, most DJs, especially those I know, including Dj Lau have no good head because when a person of out come smiling at him, he shows stone face and the persons runs away in full speed..

I closed one eye on all the persons that were passing to say 'hi' to the DJ but all looked at me as if I have Onyanchas blood. I tried to smile at them but where. The rest that looked as hot as sun and abit settled, not running to the DJ had either a dirtied table or sitting too many together. The last thing a man with nyees that are not of steel can do is to add more dirt on an already dirtied table or to buy like 5 persons sitting together beers that come two two. For a dirtied table, they will not carry you anything and for two two for 5, you will need to sacrifice a whole weeks drinks.

But all was not lost. There were few that responded to my closing eye but looked like sisters of orangutan. When they responded with a smile or closing an eye too, I behaved as if it was fly that had entered my eye and let them pass..

As the night progressed, and when I was on my sixth beer, the sisters, even sisters of orangutan started to look like sun. My watchful eyes caught one, with size 36D that responded to my closing of eye with a broad smile. I beckoned her to come sit with me and enjoy the fruits of my week's hard work.

As we were destroying several thousands together, I told the person many stories of giants , including about my trucks and high rise buildings , some as high as 9 storeys in Pipeline, thus making her even smile more and more (why do people believe drunks, i refuse to know). . The person also had her own giant stories because she told me she was into selling Thuraya phones. Thuraya phones are satelite phones only used by pirates and governments, so you can imagine your kind of clientele.

For every extra beer i was drinking, I saw her become more stunningly hot. But many more suns were streaming in, some laptops and others yellow yello, so, my wandering eyes started tospot more yellow yellos. The person saw the imminent threat of me getting stolen and to protect her territory, she suggested we change venue. She then changed her mind and asked me to drop her in her house because she had dranked enough for that day.. In my head, I telled myself that she had already climbed herself because that was another way of telling me to go climb.

When we reached her gate, I telled myself that i will climb in the car. I removed one brookie, although it was quite a task because of the size and weight and started to suck. When i saw no refusing, I inserted hand to touch tiita. Due to her size, it was such a daunting task to reach it, even with her half dropped trouser. When she 'felt' what i was doing, the person behaved as if she had refused to know herself. Since I can never ramnya somebody who has refused to know herself, I woke her up so that she can assist me in removing her own trouser, and also put legs proper on the dashboard for me.

The person suddenly 'realised' herself and told me that she coudnt get climbed on the first day. She told me that it was not even safe around that place. She told me that since she lives two floor up in that building, I should escort her up to her house to make sure she has entered because she was very drunk. I am a person who reads in between the line all the time. When i was studying Ms word, the main lesson, which i passed very well was to read in between the line. With my decoding technique, i decoded there was that she wanted we ramnyana in her house properly instead of a quickie in the car.

When we reached her house, she gave me the keys and asked me to open. After I opened, i behave like a kaka sungura. I told her that i wanted to make sure she was safely in bed. I helped her remove her shoes, then blouse and bra. On viewing the 36D, all by myself, my heart started to beat in my ears. I struggled to remove her trouser as I was shaking all over, including my toes of foot because i feared she might refuse me to climb.

I removed makobosto and ramnyad somebody proper. After I poured, I started to think of excuses to give to leave. I complied a number of lies and truths, including that in that evening, she will eat and drink until she refused to know herself.

Tomorrow of that day, I beat Theuri how I ramnyad somebody that looked like sun I had met at Hb. I even invited them to some with me in the evening and see what the leader will be now eating, right in somebody's house. No cost of room.

When she came, I refused to know if that was indeed the same person I had ramnyad. I am not saying she looked bad. No. But she did not look like the sun I had seen the previous night. Maybe like the sun that is orbited by Kepler 22b. For those who did not go to school and have no Google, Kepler 22b is a with earth that they suspected can life. It can, however take some few years to reach there, like 400,000 years or so, depending which aircraft you climb. If you climb Airbus like the one KQ bought the other day, it will be less time, with some few hours. That means, if you enter an Airbus to go there, you might be required, by law, to climb like three persons at a go first because it will take you quite some years before you reach there, otherwise, your nyees will burst mid air due to accumulation of nyees, thus scaring other passengers.

But her 36D brookie was something to brag with. In the ear, Theuri was told me “Mundu, kai… kurathie atia. Maitho nimarora. Gura miwani” (Person, what is happening. Your eyes are losting, you need to buy glasses.).

After few beers, every body started to see her turn to sun. Theuri beautified my cv until she invited me for another climbing session in her house.

This time round, i was told first, to pay Maasais 200 bob to look after my old car, otherwise, they will watch as thieves steal side mirros and side lamps. I went again and climbed the person one quick joti and left. Since the person had showed me that she was not coachroach, I did not leave her a cent. In its place, I might have promised heaven, though am not sure. I do it all the time anyway.

In my head, I had telled myself that that was the last time she was seeing me. I still had my person and although we had thrown hands at each other for few days, we had reconciled after I admitted liability for imaginary accusations. (This my person was the one that had started to behave as if she was my PM. I told you about her before)

After I disappeared in thin air because two climbing session was enough anyway, the person kept on calling and calling and I kept on giving stories of giants. I literally disappeared from Hb, so there was no place she could find me.

After the person realized I am a thug like any other man, she became angry and wrote me many smses. When I refused to answer any, she decided to write a strong one that made me reply: “kwani ulifikilia kuma ni ya bure”.

There there, I filled for myself that the person was a trapper in a way. In my head, i had been telling myself that she was an ordinary person of out that had falled for a man she though could satisfy her needs now and forever. I replied ‘Unataka ngapi” to which she replied “3k’. She then instructed me to send by mpesa, but who is Wanjohi.

There there, I cut communication completely. After some few months, I returned to hb. I met the person and when she saw me, she threw saliva out. I refused to know but it is then that i realised that she was indeed a trapper, but not of medicine.

For two years, she never talked to me. When she saw me, she did like this %$^^). And because I don’t eat in her house, I never gave a damn.

Early this year, she suddenly started talking to me. That same day, she came and asked me to buy her a beer. I told her to beat round small and come back. She told me that I still have babish and left. I wanted to return fire but since I am bigger than that, I choose to leave her. Again, I am told that by 10 persons per day, so I care less. I make friends, especially with persons every club I go, so, if i had to buy persons friends in all club I patron, I would be working for them then. Again, if refusing to buy a person of out beer of babish, then i want to remain of baby. From them, she lived for another 6 months throwing saliva out whenever she saw me, or frowning like this" %%$^&.

Around three months or so ago, devil catched her again and she started talking to me. This time, she got a beer from me. After I ordered the beer, she sat on out table and told Sir Chaos “Huyu wanjoi hakuna kitu anaeza niambia. Wacha siku hizi anaringa. Mimi nilimjua kama hana kitu. Akiwa na kagari mzee kanaenda kakitoa moshi kwa bara bara. Huyu na ukimuona, anamwagaga na second tano. Na anajiitaga mwanaume” All of them were being collected from the ground and  to shut her up from further removing colour, I told her to drink until morning.

Following week, I was with my buddies at HB. One of them said he wanted a person of out. As luck would have it, she was passing and i invited her over. The guy thanked me so much because he ramnyad until tomorrow of that day, at 11 AM.

Two weeks ago, I was enjoying my drink with my buddies when she came and demanded for a drink. Although I did not respond about beer, I told her that I must climb her that night.

When she saw no drink was coming, only giving her stories of giants and no drink,she started again. She told my buddies “Huyu wanjoi anaring tu. Kwanza nakuanga na machungu sana na wewe. Unajuanga vile ulinitesanga. blah blah”…

On looking at my buddies, especially the chairman and sir chaos,  I could tell they were refusing to know how I could have kept such a person. They were looking at me and refusing to know if I was indeed Wanjohi or his image. Her mori kept on rising until she wanted to cry. Still eating mori, she told me that one day, she will bit my nyees until they are crashed. I feared so much because the bible says if your nyees are cut, you will not see heaven by eyes, so I told her to leave our table or I make her life miserable.

Before leaving, she came to my ear and bit half of it. She tried to tear it but i think ear is as hard as karema hiti "refusal of hyna" (European people call it knee cap) because her teeth did not cut it off. I shouted in pain until all bouncers came to find out what was happening. I was only helped when I called the area chief to come with two APs because the rich of the surrounding was in imminent danger. I removed tears because of pain and even today, the ear is still paining. Dj Lau, instead of consoling me, started to read for me. "We kamundu gaka ninguiraga mamundu maya utigane namo. Riu one maithori, andu makurorire mararigwo kamundu karia kaugio mbu ni kii (Uopu ka person, i have warned you against this persons for long. People are refusing to know what made you say mbus)

It is then I realized what her mission would have been, had I agreed to go to her house again. I would be nyeeless today. It was a plot she has hatched for a long time.

What I am refusing to know is, and this is to the persons of out. If a man climbs you, and maybe you are a trapper, you can carry the pain for all those years? And for heavens sake, she was a trapper, though I didnt know.

However, I learned a very valuable lesson. I will, from now on, be careful with persons of out I meet in bars or otherwise. If its not cash ki tobacco, then, let them stay with it.

(I would have loved to narrate the muclimbano part but since i was nominated the most sewage fella on the blogs by Pulse magazine, I would want to moderate on that. But with sewage or not ;), all the stories i tell are real and they happens. All are within the boundaries of sanity; none of them are out of the ordinary, or are they?)

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

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