Although all these Suzzy Tujuane 'rants' is fast becoming tired, there is a story it reminded me small. Not funny but true.
Majority of people that live in South C dont like people of Eastlands. Eastlands has been destroyed name for by persons from Far east. Far east is polite word for Uyore for those who comes from Ngarua and Kinoo. The persons of far east are famous for putting rice in peoples drink and also houses Mungiki. Therefore, I understand when people refuse to know.
Same thing with us here. If you tell me you live in I dont know porshy estate, I first think of the next "unfavorable" estate near where mentioned. Like if a persons tells you she lives in Umo 2, fill for yourself she lives in far east. If a persons tells you she lives in Pangani, fill for yourself that it is Mathare. If it says it is Ngong rd, that is Kawangare. It is says Thika road, it is either Githurai near thiefs or Mathare north. I will tell you why.
Not long ago, as I was swinging nyees in town, I entered an exhibition that sells clothes. I entered and scanned through and in one shop, I saw a persons that looked like sun from out, just like that Tujuane shick. Infact sunner coz she was taller and was smiling to me.
She was the kind that you say, if you climb her, you will stay for one week without washing that josto so as not to wash that feeling away. In head, I knew it was an uphill task to get her come to Magomano because she looked soo sun and demand looked like it was very very high. She is the kind you call at 8 and she tells you.. 'imagin niko home, mpangoless". You refuse to know how that can happen, of all the persons. She is supposed to be with rich of the surrounding, destroying money with them, not mpangoless.
To emerge on top, I to do what a clever wama rabbit would do - show them the money. Show them that you work at Delarue.
Fast forward, small she agreed to come and help the leader to destroy few thousands.
When she came, she ordered Black ice. If a persons asks for Black Ice, I knewed it was on head. Persons put thuruari on head faster if they take black ice, so it was a guarantee I was going to eat a sun like persons.(And by the way, KBL should go to satan. That Snapp shit has complicated our game. It does not eat them faster and well well like Black Ice and all persons have now turned to that shit)
As we talked about "her" business, she asked me where I live. Since I had telled her that I work for the man drawn in 40 bob coin (You dont say directly Delarue, many persons dont know, so you must include the owner of the business) she looked at me like she refused to know. She saided that most Eastlands people are so ghetoish. Eastlands people dont know what fries is, 50% think it is meat of fry, and the other 50% think it is those things that lives near latrines, easlands people dont know how to dress and dont speak good english, and dont know Opennings.
I took that as a compliment and telled her that nevertheless, she should never blacken a tractor because of dust. People that own Nairobi comes from Muranga, then Eastlands. When I asked her where she lived, she telled me she lived in Ngumo estate. There there, I knew that I was dealing with a baby of rich and cannot be climbed in Ngara or other funny places like Nawas, rest, thuruari will refuse to be removed.
After she refused to know herself, we wented to a place called OAKWOOD Guest house, only Rich allowed.
For those who dont know nairobi well, it is opposite The Stanley. Room go for 6k plus for ONE DAY ONLY!!. And you dont go with the bed in the morning. That is for sleep ing and you leave like that.
As I was climbing her, I was telling myself that I was climbing a baby of a rich person and that made me feel good 5 times over.
After on joti, like a person who had been bewitched, tree refused to wake up again. I tried and tried and when I saw it could not wake up even with medicine, I telled the persons I drop her home
She was not liking the idea but she washed herself and removed from room.
When we reached Ngumo, she directed me to a gate near where matatus reach end. She then entered gate and I lefted.
I dropped her many other times because she did not feel like not having to be climbed by a guy that works for the guy in the 40bob not. One day, I saw a persons in the same exhibition. She had heard with rumor that I work for Delarue and I remove money so easily like satan, so she wanted to have a share.
Small, she putted it on head. Though she wasnt so sun, was momo medium and very very hot tiita. Not the tiita you want to leave like that. And she was not expensive. Word went round and reached this sun persons. She was planted and was warned to keep off. She was telled that the way she puts it on head for every dick and tom,she should keep off coz I dont eat of to die.
Later I met the mini momo, the putter of head to every one, she telled me
"Unajua ni kwanini ule dame hatakangi tuongee? tutaoa siri zake. Eti anakwambiaga anaishi wapi?
I saided Ngumo. She telled me "She has carried you babish like the way she carries other men. She lives in Kibera Raini saba. What she does is, she enter that court and when you leave, she gets escorted by soldiers until Kibera. There is a ka chum that enters Kibera. Be wise"
I refused to believe but saided, is it that I want to go live with her parents or is it her tiita that I want. Whether is from Kibera, or Lavi, or Far east, as long as you are not putted medicine, or talked bad like Tujuane, there is no harm.
Infact, that made me save more coz I was climbing her in cheap lodgings from then.
But to satisfy my curiosity, coz in head, it was telling me there is no way persons that looks like sun can live there. There are thousands of men with money who can remove them there if indeed that is her hood. So, one day, I decided to go during day time and see that ka chum that enters for Ngumo stage to Kibra. True, there is, it leads until Chiefs office and Kibera inside piu.
I am not saying it is bad to live in Kibera, but it is bad to say
Eastlands people are ghetoish when indeed you live in Kibra. Even South B or South C borders Mukuru. (I dont know which is which, I know one is opposite the other, but according to Tujuane, "C" removes celebrity malaria) So, it is bad to say South ABCD.
I remain,
This Man,
Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno
Seer of many
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Where Do You Live?
Although all these Suzzy Tujuane 'rants' is fast becoming tired, there is a story it reminded me small. Not funny but true.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
The Remover in Persons
I once wrote this story.. http://www.wanjohidaily.blogspot.com/2011/05/fly-women-rule-our-world.html
But I am now realising that some rare intelligent species of men like me grow brains with age.
On Friday, I inserted in one of the chemists at Corner house. Infront of me, was a small persons, below the recommended keeping age" (i.e 25yrs).
She ordered for 92. P2, for the sake of those who comes from Ng'arua and Dodoli of Head, P2 is special medicine THAT persons swallow when they get climbed bila makobosto. In a fairer word, it is medicine that is used to remove stomach legally and without feeling guilty..
I moved to her and initiated a conversation. In my capacity as a senior gyno, I also offer counseling services to people with no good head.
She gave me her number and I promised to buy her lunch where I eat everyday, i.e. Kosewe following day. But in the other side of my brain, I also saw an opportunity to drink beer from several of my friends, including Theuri, Akuku or Mpesa in exchange of beer at Tribeka.
On sato, at exactly 9.21 AM my phone was ringing with no end. It was that persons. She asked me if I was game for lunch and replied that I was, like satan.
By 3, Martin refused to be introduced and so, all others I could supply persons to in exchange of beer and meat of burnt, so I did not remove myself.
Jana, the persons started again, calling until 12.30 until I gave up and decided to call her to our other office in Nairobi of up, not Rifarori.
She came within a few seconds and sat herself at the reception. Just when I was about to remove, my boss called me and gave me some work.
Seeing that the persons had waited for an hour, and since I had salary, I went and gave her 5sock and telled her to go eat lunch, we talk another day when I had time.
Before 6 reached, she called again and telled , although in very many words, I sum it up
"Sweerie, my phone has destroyed earpiece and fudi has telled me that it is software and it is 4k. Please send me 4 k I repair"
Instead of laughing, I wanted to cry in anger. This persons barely knewed me for a day and was asking me for 4k from me? And of all the people? Meen! I refused how she carried me and what impression she got when I gave her 5sock for lunch.
I called theuri and showed him the sms from her. He telled me "tushangiri twacanukire muno thiku ici. tutiraragira. Konire uhana mbeca. Weda miti iri, to rimue ndukoragwo mutwe" (This days, tujangiris became more clever,. they cannot sleep hungry. you can send her 2k, because sometimes you dont have head"
I decided to measure her devil. I telled her I know a good and fair fudi, she shud take to, then I be billed.
She replied.. 'No, I want to take to my fudi myself. Most fudis are fake and thiefs'
I telled her to wait I will call her after a meeting.
When she called, I telled her to wait until my check matured next week, I will buy her a new phone. In head, I refused to know.
Today. at noon, she called again and said
"Baby, imagine we have not been paid, and my rent is due today, 5th. please send me 10k I will refund when we get paid'
I hit myself two hard slaps for having picked her first call when she called. But to dismiss her, advised her to talk to the agent to wait until when they receive pay.
She said their agent is very bad, cannot listed. I telled her for now, I cant.
Now, right now, at exactly.. lemi check phone record... 16.55 She called again..
'Baby, imagine I have decided to leave that work. I cant work with such stress. We dont get paid in time, they pa us peanuts. Now, si u send me something for upkeep, to enable me find another job'
I telled her to cut phone, I will call her. I then went to latrine, removed trouser and hit my nyees so hard 5 times for having someone like that call me'
Bending because of pain of hitting mself so hard, I wrote an sms
'Bish, you know wat, I am sending you no money. All persons in Nairobi knows me. they knows me as a man that does not remove money just like that. Not because I dont have, but because I grow brains everyday. Please dont call or sms this number again, because I have sold it. bish!"
Now, there is something I have refused to know. Why are persons like that? Although this one is excess, too excess coz she is an easlander, why would a persons borrow money from a stranger with such vigor? I have met many but this one is on her own class. In my village, if a persons borrow you money and she is not known very well to you, you refuse to know and forget her completely. the only persons who should DEMAND money from you on first encounter is a trapper. The rest, it should either come from me without asking or when I have drinked too many KCs.
I remain,
Dagitari Wamagogo
Snr. Gyno & Refuser of to Know.
But I am now realising that some rare intelligent species of men like me grow brains with age.
On Friday, I inserted in one of the chemists at Corner house. Infront of me, was a small persons, below the recommended keeping age" (i.e 25yrs).
She ordered for 92. P2, for the sake of those who comes from Ng'arua and Dodoli of Head, P2 is special medicine THAT persons swallow when they get climbed bila makobosto. In a fairer word, it is medicine that is used to remove stomach legally and without feeling guilty..
I moved to her and initiated a conversation. In my capacity as a senior gyno, I also offer counseling services to people with no good head.
She gave me her number and I promised to buy her lunch where I eat everyday, i.e. Kosewe following day. But in the other side of my brain, I also saw an opportunity to drink beer from several of my friends, including Theuri, Akuku or Mpesa in exchange of beer at Tribeka.
On sato, at exactly 9.21 AM my phone was ringing with no end. It was that persons. She asked me if I was game for lunch and replied that I was, like satan.
By 3, Martin refused to be introduced and so, all others I could supply persons to in exchange of beer and meat of burnt, so I did not remove myself.
Jana, the persons started again, calling until 12.30 until I gave up and decided to call her to our other office in Nairobi of up, not Rifarori.
She came within a few seconds and sat herself at the reception. Just when I was about to remove, my boss called me and gave me some work.
Seeing that the persons had waited for an hour, and since I had salary, I went and gave her 5sock and telled her to go eat lunch, we talk another day when I had time.
Before 6 reached, she called again and telled , although in very many words, I sum it up
"Sweerie, my phone has destroyed earpiece and fudi has telled me that it is software and it is 4k. Please send me 4 k I repair"
Instead of laughing, I wanted to cry in anger. This persons barely knewed me for a day and was asking me for 4k from me? And of all the people? Meen! I refused how she carried me and what impression she got when I gave her 5sock for lunch.
I called theuri and showed him the sms from her. He telled me "tushangiri twacanukire muno thiku ici. tutiraragira. Konire uhana mbeca. Weda miti iri, to rimue ndukoragwo mutwe" (This days, tujangiris became more clever,. they cannot sleep hungry. you can send her 2k, because sometimes you dont have head"
I decided to measure her devil. I telled her I know a good and fair fudi, she shud take to, then I be billed.
She replied.. 'No, I want to take to my fudi myself. Most fudis are fake and thiefs'
I telled her to wait I will call her after a meeting.
When she called, I telled her to wait until my check matured next week, I will buy her a new phone. In head, I refused to know.
Today. at noon, she called again and said
"Baby, imagine we have not been paid, and my rent is due today, 5th. please send me 10k I will refund when we get paid'
I hit myself two hard slaps for having picked her first call when she called. But to dismiss her, advised her to talk to the agent to wait until when they receive pay.
She said their agent is very bad, cannot listed. I telled her for now, I cant.
Now, right now, at exactly.. lemi check phone record... 16.55 She called again..
'Baby, imagine I have decided to leave that work. I cant work with such stress. We dont get paid in time, they pa us peanuts. Now, si u send me something for upkeep, to enable me find another job'
I telled her to cut phone, I will call her. I then went to latrine, removed trouser and hit my nyees so hard 5 times for having someone like that call me'
Bending because of pain of hitting mself so hard, I wrote an sms
'Bish, you know wat, I am sending you no money. All persons in Nairobi knows me. they knows me as a man that does not remove money just like that. Not because I dont have, but because I grow brains everyday. Please dont call or sms this number again, because I have sold it. bish!"
Now, there is something I have refused to know. Why are persons like that? Although this one is excess, too excess coz she is an easlander, why would a persons borrow money from a stranger with such vigor? I have met many but this one is on her own class. In my village, if a persons borrow you money and she is not known very well to you, you refuse to know and forget her completely. the only persons who should DEMAND money from you on first encounter is a trapper. The rest, it should either come from me without asking or when I have drinked too many KCs.
I remain,
Dagitari Wamagogo
Snr. Gyno & Refuser of to Know.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Customer Care: How To Deal With Wanjohi
A few minutes ago, my phone cried and on looking, a call was coming from 0733100000. In head, it telled me that that is Airtel Kenya calling to tell me they are about to refund the money they wrongfully deducted from my Airtel money on 4th. Even before picking, the first thing that came to my mind was what to do with that "forgotten money. First thing was Buru massage, then dogogio with no end in the evening.
Caller: (in soft voice) I am calling from Airtel Kenya and my name is (forgot). Who I am talking to?
Me: You wanted to talk to who?
Caller: I can see you contacted our customer care numberous times a couple of weeks ago.
Me: Ok ok. My name is Dr. Onjohi, Snr. Gyno.
Caller: What was the issue and was it sorted out?
Me: The issue was with Airtel money. Yeah? I attempted to withdraw some money from Family ATM. The money never came out, and I was deducted 3 times. Can you believe that? But there was a partial refund that was done, actually not from Airtel money, but some individuals who work there who could not handle my pressure.
Caller: Ok. What you need to do, call 111, then choose option 5, that is Airtel money department, they will solve it
Me: (Feeling anger all over me) Escuuuusss me madam, you called me, right? Were you calling to offer solution or to add more pressure to me? ah!. FYI, I gave up on that money. If you were not calling to tell me you have finnaly resolved, you can escuss me. I was in the middle of something.
Caller: Ok. Thanks and I hope you will have wonderful experience with Airtel in future.
This has forced m to revisit the issue I had long forgotten. Even Martin lefted them with 1k they refused to return after he had sent to a dormant number.
On wed last week, I happened to be along Mbsa Rd. When I reached parkside towers, and I had some time to waste, I decided to pop in there and makes someone's life miserable if they were unable to solve the issue.
Fast forward:
I went to one customer care rep who had a tag written Monica Kinyua. When I explained, she dismissed me and telled me to go to Family. I maintained my cool and explained all over again.
That is when she logged in to her comp and checked. She checked and checked, then said all is ok. I pointed to her to explain why some money was missing. I took her through step by step of all my transaction. Check my bal. on 3rd. She ckecked. On 4th. she checked and refused to know why some money was missing, without saying where it went.
Monica Kinyua: How much did you withdraw?
Me: How much can you see from your system.
Monica Kinyua: 123
Me: Whats the bal. after?
Monica Kinyua: 345
Me: And why is that?
Monica: You withdrew money.. Did you withdraw 3 times?
Me: Thats why I am here. Is it possible to withdraw 3 times using the same ATM authoorization code?
Monica Kinyua: I can see you withdrew.. once... same trasnaction code. And where did this money go?
Me: Are you asking me?
Monica Kinyua: Did you withdraw money from Equity?
Me: Is it possible to withdraw Aritel money from Equity ? I just queried from "Withdraw from ATM option" on the menu. Got negative. Thats why ur seeing Equity there. Or does it indicate money was withdrewed?
Monica Kinyua: And where did the money go?
Me: I told you to query your system. Thats a stupid question to ask a customer Monica Kinyua: If you become rude like that I will not serve you. You understand me?
(I was attempted to tell her to to go to satan, but I retrained myself) Me: Since you can point out the anomaly, can I have the money returned to my account, then you are left queering the system. Is it made in Shina?
She looked at me very very bad the, she called another customer care lady to come and help her resolve. In head, I got that she was either an intern or very very clueless of her job there, or damn lazy. The other lady also refused to know and advised her to call someone, I guess her boss. Monica didnt have the phone password so, she asked the lady to open the phone for her. I refused to know why she would seat on that desk if she was not allowed to make calls using the desk phone.
She talked to a person called Debbie. Debbie also dismissed and said that it was all well. I said I am not going anywhere until I am sorted out. I told her to make Debbie understand the same way I made her understand.
When she was relucant at first, I telled her
Me: Can you put me through to Sidney?
Monica Kinyua: Who is Sidney?
Me: He is your boss
Monica Kinyua: I dont know him.
Me: Thats why you are clueless of what is expected of you if you dont know your bosses
Monica Kinyua: You are very arrogant
Me: Thank you.
Phone was opened again for her to call Debbie. She made Debbie to understand same way I made her understand. After a few minutes, Debbie called and said that my account will be credited with the thieved amount within 24hr. I telled Monica Kinyua not to forget to also refund the transactions fees.
Before leaving, I sensed I was just being dismissed because it was almost 6, they wanted to go home or to those expensive dogogio place along mombasa rd.. So I continued
Me: What if the issue is not resolved within 24 hrs?
Monica Kinyua: Call the customer care
Me: Give me Cusotmer cares number of this center
Monica Kinyua: You call 111......
Me: I swear I cant dare call that number. Those are telemachines. I want real people. Give me the number I will reach you on?
Monica Kinyua: We dont have a customer care number here. You will have to call 111 Me: I told you I cant. I am just following this to know what I will do, incase I was following 100k. Not that I need that money. You saw the bal in that account? that should tell you I to follow that small amount. But I am entitled to every cent in my account? I not?.
Monica Kinyua: I dont even know this extension.
Me: Give me your number then?
Monica Kinyua: We dont give our numbers to customers!
Me: Maaam, seriously?! you dont know your extention, you dont know your carecentre number...you dont know your boss, next time, you will tell me you dont know this building.
Monica Kinyua: : ok ok ok. 0733330778
Satan tells me in ear to call to confirm it if will enter. I get "Sorry, the number you have called is switched off"
Me: That number is off maam! (She is twedi something, but I want her to feel bad about herself)
Monica Kinyua: Yes, but tomorrow it will be on.
I SMDH (Shaked my Dick Head) and walked out, knowing very very well that Airtel has stolen me with chest.
I would wish they can learn one or two things from like my favorites.
1. Coop:
Coop banks "Hello, Wangeci speaking, can I help you?"
Me: Give me card center
Coop bank: Kindly call this numer if you want to...
Me: Madam, escussss me. I called this number coz its on the back of my card. Give me card center. I have used this number before, so dont tell me stories oh!
Coop bank: Ok, Mr. Wanjohi, hold the line as we transfer you to...
Me: I am Doctor Wanjohi please.
Coop bank: Sorry Doc. Hold the line I put your through.
Me: You should!.
Small time
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Hello card center can I help you Me: Yes, I was trying to do an online transaction but my card is being declined. You having some problem or something
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Give me your card number Sir Me: 123456456
Card center (with heavy kale accent): How much did you want to transaction Sir? Me: 99 doras
Card Centre(with heavy kale accent: ( Chuckles small) Have you checked your balanace sir. Maybe you have insufficient funds
Me: I just deposited 50,000 via mpesa.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Sometimes mpesa transation takes an hour to reflect. Its not realitime kindly call the customer care and confirm the money was deposited.
Me: What do you mean by realtime now?
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Immediate sir!
Me. Ok. Use simple English when talking to me. I deposited like 3 hrs ago. Check from your end. You work for coop.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Unfortunately I cannot access your account balance....
Me: Boss.. I am not. I know you can because you have done that before.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Ok. give me your account number
Me: 123456
Card bank (with heavy kale accent): I dont think you have enough to transact 99 dollars. You have two hundred shillings Sir...
Me: Eish.. And why does Nationhela says it takes imediate to tranfer from mpesa to my card?
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): This is Coop bank sir. We dont deal with nationhela.
Me: Shit. I dialled the wrong number
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Dont worry sir. Thank you for calling Coop bank card centre and have a good afternoon.
It is me, until Nationhela.
Nationhela: Thank you for calling Nationhela. You are talking to Lincoln, how can I help you?
Me: I deposited money on my card, has it arrived?
Nationhela: Kindly give me your mobile number sir.
Me: 123456
Nationhela: Sir, I can see a deposit of 500 bob on 5th Jan No other transaction.
Me: Thank you I just wanted to confirm. I will be depositing 50k soon. Hope you are not having delays?
Nationhela: We are game sir. And thank you for calling Nationhela. And next time you want to check balance, you can dial *348#
Me: I cant! Ah. You dont know it eats Kshs. 15 of my airtime every time I query my balance? Ah!
Nationhela: Sorry sir, and soon, we will address that soon.
Moral of the story:
If only Airtel can learn to call me Sir!
I remain,
Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr. Gyno, River Rd. Inc.
Sns. Partner, REASM (Rich Enaf to be Stolen by Multinationals).
Me: You wanted to talk to who?
Caller: I can see you contacted our customer care numberous times a couple of weeks ago.
Me: Ok ok. My name is Dr. Onjohi, Snr. Gyno.
Caller: What was the issue and was it sorted out?
Me: The issue was with Airtel money. Yeah? I attempted to withdraw some money from Family ATM. The money never came out, and I was deducted 3 times. Can you believe that? But there was a partial refund that was done, actually not from Airtel money, but some individuals who work there who could not handle my pressure.
Caller: Ok. What you need to do, call 111, then choose option 5, that is Airtel money department, they will solve it
Me: (Feeling anger all over me) Escuuuusss me madam, you called me, right? Were you calling to offer solution or to add more pressure to me? ah!. FYI, I gave up on that money. If you were not calling to tell me you have finnaly resolved, you can escuss me. I was in the middle of something.
Caller: Ok. Thanks and I hope you will have wonderful experience with Airtel in future.
This has forced m to revisit the issue I had long forgotten. Even Martin lefted them with 1k they refused to return after he had sent to a dormant number.
On wed last week, I happened to be along Mbsa Rd. When I reached parkside towers, and I had some time to waste, I decided to pop in there and makes someone's life miserable if they were unable to solve the issue.
Fast forward:
I went to one customer care rep who had a tag written Monica Kinyua. When I explained, she dismissed me and telled me to go to Family. I maintained my cool and explained all over again.
That is when she logged in to her comp and checked. She checked and checked, then said all is ok. I pointed to her to explain why some money was missing. I took her through step by step of all my transaction. Check my bal. on 3rd. She ckecked. On 4th. she checked and refused to know why some money was missing, without saying where it went.
Monica Kinyua: How much did you withdraw?
Me: How much can you see from your system.
Monica Kinyua: 123
Me: Whats the bal. after?
Monica Kinyua: 345
Me: And why is that?
Monica: You withdrew money.. Did you withdraw 3 times?
Me: Thats why I am here. Is it possible to withdraw 3 times using the same ATM authoorization code?
Monica Kinyua: I can see you withdrew.. once... same trasnaction code. And where did this money go?
Me: Are you asking me?
Monica Kinyua: Did you withdraw money from Equity?
Me: Is it possible to withdraw Aritel money from Equity ? I just queried from "Withdraw from ATM option" on the menu. Got negative. Thats why ur seeing Equity there. Or does it indicate money was withdrewed?
Monica Kinyua: And where did the money go?
Me: I told you to query your system. Thats a stupid question to ask a customer Monica Kinyua: If you become rude like that I will not serve you. You understand me?
(I was attempted to tell her to to go to satan, but I retrained myself) Me: Since you can point out the anomaly, can I have the money returned to my account, then you are left queering the system. Is it made in Shina?
She looked at me very very bad the, she called another customer care lady to come and help her resolve. In head, I got that she was either an intern or very very clueless of her job there, or damn lazy. The other lady also refused to know and advised her to call someone, I guess her boss. Monica didnt have the phone password so, she asked the lady to open the phone for her. I refused to know why she would seat on that desk if she was not allowed to make calls using the desk phone.
She talked to a person called Debbie. Debbie also dismissed and said that it was all well. I said I am not going anywhere until I am sorted out. I told her to make Debbie understand the same way I made her understand.
When she was relucant at first, I telled her
Me: Can you put me through to Sidney?
Monica Kinyua: Who is Sidney?
Me: He is your boss
Monica Kinyua: I dont know him.
Me: Thats why you are clueless of what is expected of you if you dont know your bosses
Monica Kinyua: You are very arrogant
Me: Thank you.
Phone was opened again for her to call Debbie. She made Debbie to understand same way I made her understand. After a few minutes, Debbie called and said that my account will be credited with the thieved amount within 24hr. I telled Monica Kinyua not to forget to also refund the transactions fees.
Before leaving, I sensed I was just being dismissed because it was almost 6, they wanted to go home or to those expensive dogogio place along mombasa rd.. So I continued
Me: What if the issue is not resolved within 24 hrs?
Monica Kinyua: Call the customer care
Me: Give me Cusotmer cares number of this center
Monica Kinyua: You call 111......
Me: I swear I cant dare call that number. Those are telemachines. I want real people. Give me the number I will reach you on?
Monica Kinyua: We dont have a customer care number here. You will have to call 111 Me: I told you I cant. I am just following this to know what I will do, incase I was following 100k. Not that I need that money. You saw the bal in that account? that should tell you I to follow that small amount. But I am entitled to every cent in my account? I not?.
Monica Kinyua: I dont even know this extension.
Me: Give me your number then?
Monica Kinyua: We dont give our numbers to customers!
Me: Maaam, seriously?! you dont know your extention, you dont know your carecentre number...you dont know your boss, next time, you will tell me you dont know this building.
Monica Kinyua: : ok ok ok. 0733330778
Satan tells me in ear to call to confirm it if will enter. I get "Sorry, the number you have called is switched off"
Me: That number is off maam! (She is twedi something, but I want her to feel bad about herself)
Monica Kinyua: Yes, but tomorrow it will be on.
I SMDH (Shaked my Dick Head) and walked out, knowing very very well that Airtel has stolen me with chest.
I would wish they can learn one or two things from like my favorites.
1. Coop:
Coop banks "Hello, Wangeci speaking, can I help you?"
Me: Give me card center
Coop bank: Kindly call this numer if you want to...
Me: Madam, escussss me. I called this number coz its on the back of my card. Give me card center. I have used this number before, so dont tell me stories oh!
Coop bank: Ok, Mr. Wanjohi, hold the line as we transfer you to...
Me: I am Doctor Wanjohi please.
Coop bank: Sorry Doc. Hold the line I put your through.
Me: You should!.
Small time
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Hello card center can I help you Me: Yes, I was trying to do an online transaction but my card is being declined. You having some problem or something
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Give me your card number Sir Me: 123456456
Card center (with heavy kale accent): How much did you want to transaction Sir? Me: 99 doras
Card Centre(with heavy kale accent: ( Chuckles small) Have you checked your balanace sir. Maybe you have insufficient funds
Me: I just deposited 50,000 via mpesa.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Sometimes mpesa transation takes an hour to reflect. Its not realitime kindly call the customer care and confirm the money was deposited.
Me: What do you mean by realtime now?
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Immediate sir!
Me. Ok. Use simple English when talking to me. I deposited like 3 hrs ago. Check from your end. You work for coop.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Unfortunately I cannot access your account balance....
Me: Boss.. I am not. I know you can because you have done that before.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Ok. give me your account number
Me: 123456
Card bank (with heavy kale accent): I dont think you have enough to transact 99 dollars. You have two hundred shillings Sir...
Me: Eish.. And why does Nationhela says it takes imediate to tranfer from mpesa to my card?
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): This is Coop bank sir. We dont deal with nationhela.
Me: Shit. I dialled the wrong number
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Dont worry sir. Thank you for calling Coop bank card centre and have a good afternoon.
It is me, until Nationhela.
Nationhela: Thank you for calling Nationhela. You are talking to Lincoln, how can I help you?
Me: I deposited money on my card, has it arrived?
Nationhela: Kindly give me your mobile number sir.
Me: 123456
Nationhela: Sir, I can see a deposit of 500 bob on 5th Jan No other transaction.
Me: Thank you I just wanted to confirm. I will be depositing 50k soon. Hope you are not having delays?
Nationhela: We are game sir. And thank you for calling Nationhela. And next time you want to check balance, you can dial *348#
Me: I cant! Ah. You dont know it eats Kshs. 15 of my airtime every time I query my balance? Ah!
Nationhela: Sorry sir, and soon, we will address that soon.
Moral of the story:
If only Airtel can learn to call me Sir!
I remain,
Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr. Gyno, River Rd. Inc.
Sns. Partner, REASM (Rich Enaf to be Stolen by Multinationals).
Friday, September 7, 2012
When The Hunter Became The Hunted
There are things that don't happen everyday. You cant sell Ice to Eskimos everyday. I have pulled persons off the street and climbed them same day. Many times, Martin Does it everyday. And Another pal who cannot be named because he can sue me Theuri has done it and Akuku too. And you too many maybe. Pulling persons off the street and climbing same day is no big deal. But what makes this story exceptional is because the hunter became the hunted.
I have told you before that I am a treasurer of ka certain chama. Since we are not formally registered, I keep money in my own bank account. Now, there is this persons that is written in my bank as cashier. In her head, she telled herself that if she enters me good, she can have a share in some funds that seems to lack use because they are even in my account. An year or so ago, she put it on head for me and later realised that it is easier to milk a he-goat that to get a cobo from me. The fact is, I am not gum, the money doesn't simply belong to me. She came far more when she said I add her a 100k to add to her savings so that she is loaned a car by bank. I refused to know and losted.
But as you are aware, the last few months have been very dry of persons but my josto hears none of that, total disregard of the financial and logistics involved. I thoughted of how I could help it and thats when I remembered the banker persons I upped tint for.
I thouted of mending fences and to mend fences, I had to go to her branch and withdraw some funds to show her that I was still there, strong.
There there, I went to Isich. As you all know, "muthici ungi ndamuthuire" (another climber does not hate. If you have climbed, you can climb again), she was elated to see me.
"ndoka guetha cia weekend" (I have come to remove for weekend) I said. I telled her I wanted to withdraw 40k but was not sure if it will be enough for all through the weekend. She telled me "na unjigirie miti itano ona nie" (put for me 5k) I said no sweat, she look for me in the evening.
Having achieved what I wanted, I walked to the stage, whistling and my josto thanking me for making an effort to let it sleep inside.
As I was waiting to see which mat I will climb among the many unruly mats no 9, a person that looked like sun with nicely done hair, very hot, the kind that their looks only can give you an orgasms, but dressed like a granmother, long dress and rubber shoes approached me. She came and in heavy Meru accent, she said "unanjua commercial?"
I am always suspicions of people who ask me for direction. Majority end up to having hiden intention. Anyway, I said "ndio, hii mats zote ni za commercial" and gave myself shughuli.
When I entered a mat, she followed me and sat next to me. We didn't talk until when the conductor came. I gave him a hundred and told him to cut for two people. She smiled and said thanks. It is then that I realised that I could borrow number and maybe later, I take her to Ngara, buy her a very tight stretcher and a nice top, and shoes of two hundred, then remove her to men. They will do me thumps up for having a hot persons, I thought. You know a person is clothing. Most of these persons you see, if they go back to shags small, you will refuse to know. It is clothes that makes us equal.For that thought only, I heard my josto stretch until knee.
Small time, she started "Mimi naitwa Karimi, nimetoka melu. Nilikuwa nimenkuja kuangalia cousin yangu lakini nikapata alihama.." By the time she finished those words, a million thoughts had crossed my mind. I had filled myself that she was just another con persons that wanted me to give her fare to go back to 'Meru'. She continued
'sasa, nilikuwa nime win shality Sweempstanke ya 200k, na mimi sina hi ndi, nimefikisha 18 nyears njusi" (I wanted to burst with laughter because I had been washed by this Fake Sweepstate before. Another thought crossed my mind. Either this is a persons that knows me and she knows I had written about Charity sweestate ordea and she wanted to jog measure my devils. But it became serious when she continued
"sasa, natafuta mtu anipee half, 100k nimpatie hii nticket aende a nclaim hiso pesa kwa Shality njuu wamekataa njuu ya Hi Ndii"
She then removed the ticket and showed me. Because I wanted to play along and jog her small, I telled her in small voice "weee rudisha hio ticket watu wasione. Unajua tunaeza fuatwa na unyaganywe"
Quickly, she returned it in her small bag. I bit my lips, thoughted what to tell her. After a brief moments, I telled her "Ah!, sijui tutafanya nini. Hapa niko na 32k. aagg!... sasa.. lakini niko na pesa kwa bank, lakini itafika 50, haiezi fika 100k"..
She smilled and said, "wewe njalibu, hata kama ifike heighy k.
I replied "shida ingine, ATM ya bank yenye iko na pesa iko home. Sijui tutafanya nini?.
Small time, I heard devil started to whisper in my eyes. "boss, climb person. Nikii. You are a clever person. Show her news"
I turned and looked at her and said in her ear "Tunaeza shukia ngara, nikuache place hapo uningojee ndo niendee pesa?" She said she had no problem. I felt my chin hit by my josto coz of happiness. It had knewed it had eaten a person.
When we removed from mat, at Equity bank, ngara, I told her that the best place to wait for me is in a room because outside is not safe. She said no problem. I poured on myself.
We crossed over the road to some rooms called Travellers Lodge, nexst to Family bank. A room with no shower and toilet inside is 400 bob during the day. I knew this person was not worth more than that, no way I was going to put a value of more than 400 on her. I didn't want to waste money because it was Friday and I wanted to entertain the banker persons that used to allow me climb her in her own house.
All along, she was so much into her phone, sms after sms. In my head, I knew she was communicating with her accomplices. I am a clever person. Maybe she was updating them on how far she has entered a fala.
I paid room and as we were taking the stairs, I pretended I had forgotten to ask something. I boughted makobboso and ranup the stairs until room. You know, if you are entering room with a person and you hve not agreed about climbing, never show her that you are buying makobosto. She wont enter that room. Trust me. I have experience.
When we entered room, she first removed out to talk on phone. A few moments later, she came back smiling and in high spirits. I guessed the accomplices had advised her to remove so that they can steal better.
But her smile made me refuse to know. It hit me that maybe, she was directing her accomplices to the room so that they can hijack me and inert me in their car and demand for ransom. I knew I was not dealing with saints.
In heart, I started to say a small prayer "Lord, remember this money in my pocket is not mine. It is for chama, I only have it in my pocket for reasons I cant say. If it was mine, it would be in bank, not pocket. please protect me from any harm that might be directed towards me..." Before I could finish the prayer, she came to me and started touching me small and telling me 'Sweetie, si uendee pesa juu sitaki kuchelewa sana" She realised that my tree had passed knee length because of standing.
She smiled and said "Waa!, umenyonji ivo yote kwanini?!" without her Meru accent know. She touched my tree and commented that it was so tall and huge and she cant understand how it gets indie persons tiita.. I told her that I used to pull it with priers when I was small,that is why it grew so tall.
I started to touch her too small small, not sure if she will tell me not to, or that there is month. I started from waist, up up up, until i reached brookies. I unzipped her dress up from neck to create a good space to touch brookies.
I removed on very firm average brookie that has never been sucked by a baby and teased the tip small with one finger. She closed her eyes. Then, I puled myself towards brookie and inserted mouth and started to suck. With her dress still on, from the back, I uncapped the bra straps. Sucking with earnest. I sucked and sucked and she said mbus. I uzipped the dress piu and pulled it down from shoulders and it fell down. She then stepped out of it.
I first did not believe what I was seeing. She looked like a model, like those fake persons posted on Campus Divas for Rich Men. And she was on a g-string. That alone telled me that she was not from shags. These are Kabete persons. Infact I filled myself that she was not even meru. Ukuyu of Kabete. Persons from upcountry put mothers union thuruari and biker together. Since I had not removed any of my clothes, I felt my josto stretch too much until it almost teared my trouser. Fearing tear, I removed all colthes.
I made her to lie on bed again and lifted on of her legs and putted on my shoulder and started to tease tiita. All tiita area was clean shaved like my forehead. No shags mundu shaves!. With mbus accelerating, I returned leg on beg and moved to brookie agan, sucking as my fingers did the walking. I fingered tiita until all my hand looked like i had dipped inside water.
I wanted to measure her devil if she will tell me to insert makobosto, so I pretended to move on top. She asked "umevaa CD?. If you hear a persons that does not tell you to dress makobosto, know that she knows something you do not know.
When her crying became excess, telling me to come baby come, I removed myself from her grip and slowly, inserted makobosto.
I pushed the G-string aside and directed my zig zag on the entrance of her tiita. Before driving it in, she told me "Na sweetie ujue nilifanya kitambo sana, nikiwa form two. Sijai kuwa na mwanaume tena, kwa ivo, ukuwe mpole"
With heart, I telled her "You will go to satan for telling a lie like that. You were climbed latest last night. And when I was fingering, I could not hear any grip. If you have grip, I will go to satan"
I pointed my josto and slowly, drove it in, then letted it stay inside for two seconds before removing. The warmth I heard can only be compared with the tiita I have told you before that had sandpaper inside. Removing and returning, and removing and returning, and the tickling by the G-string made my nyees feel like trying to release pour. I did not want to pour so fast because I was also enjoying her mbus and the tickling. The tickling reminded me a time I putted a ring that had vibrator. So, to avoid immature pour, I had to think something evil.
I putted in my mind that after I finish shafting, I will get her accomplice waiting for me and force me in their car and demand ramson. But still, I felt like pouring. To put more evil thought, I imagined that by the time I finish, the 40k I had withdrawn will be stolen by the person because she had putted medicine in her tiita to make me sleep and I will not know what to tell Chama when they demand the money for mbuzi or project. That was so powerful because for the next 30 minutes, I could not pour. S I even got so tired of pumping, and told her to come up. She removed her G-string and put it under the pillow.
I lay facing up and told her to come up. Slowly, she came down on my josto, swallowing all of it, until nyee level. When the tree was firmly and wholly swallowed, she did three powerful spins until I felt like my tree will be cut and remain inside. She much have been an expert in the game that girls used to play called kuhiuria mbara.
I felt zzzzz and poured everything that had been stored in nyees, including those that had not matured.
She then slept on top of me for like two minutes.
Fearing that I might doze off and find myself without owners 40k.
I dressed up without bathing because that room was just a room. No bathroom.
I then telled her "ngoja nikimbie nilete hio ATM nitoe pesa. Ni kama 45 minutes juu ya jam"
If you are a thief, you will know when you are being stolen. When she saw me clearing all my stuff, including some coins that had fallen, she sensed I will not return. She told me in sad voice "Sweerie, si uache hio 32k nikaage nazo"
I told her there is no need for small small, and if i leve the 32k, I have no guarantee that she will be there. She said ' Si hata ufuunge na inje na uede na funguo?
I told her to have patient, deal is deal.
She said Ok sweerie, usikae. alafu, ebu nipee your number ndio tuwasiliane" I gave her Theuri's Airtel number and left to get the ATM. Theuris Aritel never enters, unles you are on his contact list. He has a ka Shina phone that filters who calls. But she attempted to call 108 times. It notifies you everytime someone attempts to call you. I know she wrote a million sms of abuse but sms also dont enter.
When I left, I thouthed that his group could follow me. So, I took a taxi from Total petro station until Westlands where I took a mat to town. That day, I felt so good. I had washed a wash wash. She thoughted she will wash me , but I washed her.
In the evening, I called Theuri and others and beated them stories. They were collected under the table because I lied to them that I even climbed kwa nyeni. I told them how my josto was looking like a taribo when digging muddy areas. But Theuri stopped me and said "Wahotire ri kuhaica mundu shoti ikirike imwe? ngoma! (When did you enable climb person more than one joti? Devil)
Next Story is about Gold digging Banker Digs hard Ground.
I remain,
Dagitari Wanjohi
Senior Gyno
Currently on Strike
I have told you before that I am a treasurer of ka certain chama. Since we are not formally registered, I keep money in my own bank account. Now, there is this persons that is written in my bank as cashier. In her head, she telled herself that if she enters me good, she can have a share in some funds that seems to lack use because they are even in my account. An year or so ago, she put it on head for me and later realised that it is easier to milk a he-goat that to get a cobo from me. The fact is, I am not gum, the money doesn't simply belong to me. She came far more when she said I add her a 100k to add to her savings so that she is loaned a car by bank. I refused to know and losted.
But as you are aware, the last few months have been very dry of persons but my josto hears none of that, total disregard of the financial and logistics involved. I thoughted of how I could help it and thats when I remembered the banker persons I upped tint for.
I thouted of mending fences and to mend fences, I had to go to her branch and withdraw some funds to show her that I was still there, strong.
There there, I went to Isich. As you all know, "muthici ungi ndamuthuire" (another climber does not hate. If you have climbed, you can climb again), she was elated to see me.
"ndoka guetha cia weekend" (I have come to remove for weekend) I said. I telled her I wanted to withdraw 40k but was not sure if it will be enough for all through the weekend. She telled me "na unjigirie miti itano ona nie" (put for me 5k) I said no sweat, she look for me in the evening.
Having achieved what I wanted, I walked to the stage, whistling and my josto thanking me for making an effort to let it sleep inside.
As I was waiting to see which mat I will climb among the many unruly mats no 9, a person that looked like sun with nicely done hair, very hot, the kind that their looks only can give you an orgasms, but dressed like a granmother, long dress and rubber shoes approached me. She came and in heavy Meru accent, she said "unanjua commercial?"
I am always suspicions of people who ask me for direction. Majority end up to having hiden intention. Anyway, I said "ndio, hii mats zote ni za commercial" and gave myself shughuli.
When I entered a mat, she followed me and sat next to me. We didn't talk until when the conductor came. I gave him a hundred and told him to cut for two people. She smiled and said thanks. It is then that I realised that I could borrow number and maybe later, I take her to Ngara, buy her a very tight stretcher and a nice top, and shoes of two hundred, then remove her to men. They will do me thumps up for having a hot persons, I thought. You know a person is clothing. Most of these persons you see, if they go back to shags small, you will refuse to know. It is clothes that makes us equal.For that thought only, I heard my josto stretch until knee.
Small time, she started "Mimi naitwa Karimi, nimetoka melu. Nilikuwa nimenkuja kuangalia cousin yangu lakini nikapata alihama.." By the time she finished those words, a million thoughts had crossed my mind. I had filled myself that she was just another con persons that wanted me to give her fare to go back to 'Meru'. She continued
'sasa, nilikuwa nime win shality Sweempstanke ya 200k, na mimi sina hi ndi, nimefikisha 18 nyears njusi" (I wanted to burst with laughter because I had been washed by this Fake Sweepstate before. Another thought crossed my mind. Either this is a persons that knows me and she knows I had written about Charity sweestate ordea and she wanted to jog measure my devils. But it became serious when she continued
"sasa, natafuta mtu anipee half, 100k nimpatie hii nticket aende a nclaim hiso pesa kwa Shality njuu wamekataa njuu ya Hi Ndii"
She then removed the ticket and showed me. Because I wanted to play along and jog her small, I telled her in small voice "weee rudisha hio ticket watu wasione. Unajua tunaeza fuatwa na unyaganywe"
Quickly, she returned it in her small bag. I bit my lips, thoughted what to tell her. After a brief moments, I telled her "Ah!, sijui tutafanya nini. Hapa niko na 32k. aagg!... sasa.. lakini niko na pesa kwa bank, lakini itafika 50, haiezi fika 100k"..
She smilled and said, "wewe njalibu, hata kama ifike heighy k.
I replied "shida ingine, ATM ya bank yenye iko na pesa iko home. Sijui tutafanya nini?.
Small time, I heard devil started to whisper in my eyes. "boss, climb person. Nikii. You are a clever person. Show her news"
I turned and looked at her and said in her ear "Tunaeza shukia ngara, nikuache place hapo uningojee ndo niendee pesa?" She said she had no problem. I felt my chin hit by my josto coz of happiness. It had knewed it had eaten a person.
When we removed from mat, at Equity bank, ngara, I told her that the best place to wait for me is in a room because outside is not safe. She said no problem. I poured on myself.
We crossed over the road to some rooms called Travellers Lodge, nexst to Family bank. A room with no shower and toilet inside is 400 bob during the day. I knew this person was not worth more than that, no way I was going to put a value of more than 400 on her. I didn't want to waste money because it was Friday and I wanted to entertain the banker persons that used to allow me climb her in her own house.
All along, she was so much into her phone, sms after sms. In my head, I knew she was communicating with her accomplices. I am a clever person. Maybe she was updating them on how far she has entered a fala.
I paid room and as we were taking the stairs, I pretended I had forgotten to ask something. I boughted makobboso and ranup the stairs until room. You know, if you are entering room with a person and you hve not agreed about climbing, never show her that you are buying makobosto. She wont enter that room. Trust me. I have experience.
When we entered room, she first removed out to talk on phone. A few moments later, she came back smiling and in high spirits. I guessed the accomplices had advised her to remove so that they can steal better.
But her smile made me refuse to know. It hit me that maybe, she was directing her accomplices to the room so that they can hijack me and inert me in their car and demand for ransom. I knew I was not dealing with saints.
In heart, I started to say a small prayer "Lord, remember this money in my pocket is not mine. It is for chama, I only have it in my pocket for reasons I cant say. If it was mine, it would be in bank, not pocket. please protect me from any harm that might be directed towards me..." Before I could finish the prayer, she came to me and started touching me small and telling me 'Sweetie, si uendee pesa juu sitaki kuchelewa sana" She realised that my tree had passed knee length because of standing.
She smiled and said "Waa!, umenyonji ivo yote kwanini?!" without her Meru accent know. She touched my tree and commented that it was so tall and huge and she cant understand how it gets indie persons tiita.. I told her that I used to pull it with priers when I was small,that is why it grew so tall.
I started to touch her too small small, not sure if she will tell me not to, or that there is month. I started from waist, up up up, until i reached brookies. I unzipped her dress up from neck to create a good space to touch brookies.
I removed on very firm average brookie that has never been sucked by a baby and teased the tip small with one finger. She closed her eyes. Then, I puled myself towards brookie and inserted mouth and started to suck. With her dress still on, from the back, I uncapped the bra straps. Sucking with earnest. I sucked and sucked and she said mbus. I uzipped the dress piu and pulled it down from shoulders and it fell down. She then stepped out of it.
I first did not believe what I was seeing. She looked like a model, like those fake persons posted on Campus Divas for Rich Men. And she was on a g-string. That alone telled me that she was not from shags. These are Kabete persons. Infact I filled myself that she was not even meru. Ukuyu of Kabete. Persons from upcountry put mothers union thuruari and biker together. Since I had not removed any of my clothes, I felt my josto stretch too much until it almost teared my trouser. Fearing tear, I removed all colthes.
I made her to lie on bed again and lifted on of her legs and putted on my shoulder and started to tease tiita. All tiita area was clean shaved like my forehead. No shags mundu shaves!. With mbus accelerating, I returned leg on beg and moved to brookie agan, sucking as my fingers did the walking. I fingered tiita until all my hand looked like i had dipped inside water.
I wanted to measure her devil if she will tell me to insert makobosto, so I pretended to move on top. She asked "umevaa CD?. If you hear a persons that does not tell you to dress makobosto, know that she knows something you do not know.
When her crying became excess, telling me to come baby come, I removed myself from her grip and slowly, inserted makobosto.
I pushed the G-string aside and directed my zig zag on the entrance of her tiita. Before driving it in, she told me "Na sweetie ujue nilifanya kitambo sana, nikiwa form two. Sijai kuwa na mwanaume tena, kwa ivo, ukuwe mpole"
With heart, I telled her "You will go to satan for telling a lie like that. You were climbed latest last night. And when I was fingering, I could not hear any grip. If you have grip, I will go to satan"
I pointed my josto and slowly, drove it in, then letted it stay inside for two seconds before removing. The warmth I heard can only be compared with the tiita I have told you before that had sandpaper inside. Removing and returning, and removing and returning, and the tickling by the G-string made my nyees feel like trying to release pour. I did not want to pour so fast because I was also enjoying her mbus and the tickling. The tickling reminded me a time I putted a ring that had vibrator. So, to avoid immature pour, I had to think something evil.
I putted in my mind that after I finish shafting, I will get her accomplice waiting for me and force me in their car and demand ramson. But still, I felt like pouring. To put more evil thought, I imagined that by the time I finish, the 40k I had withdrawn will be stolen by the person because she had putted medicine in her tiita to make me sleep and I will not know what to tell Chama when they demand the money for mbuzi or project. That was so powerful because for the next 30 minutes, I could not pour. S I even got so tired of pumping, and told her to come up. She removed her G-string and put it under the pillow.
I lay facing up and told her to come up. Slowly, she came down on my josto, swallowing all of it, until nyee level. When the tree was firmly and wholly swallowed, she did three powerful spins until I felt like my tree will be cut and remain inside. She much have been an expert in the game that girls used to play called kuhiuria mbara.
I felt zzzzz and poured everything that had been stored in nyees, including those that had not matured.
She then slept on top of me for like two minutes.
Fearing that I might doze off and find myself without owners 40k.
I dressed up without bathing because that room was just a room. No bathroom.
I then telled her "ngoja nikimbie nilete hio ATM nitoe pesa. Ni kama 45 minutes juu ya jam"
If you are a thief, you will know when you are being stolen. When she saw me clearing all my stuff, including some coins that had fallen, she sensed I will not return. She told me in sad voice "Sweerie, si uache hio 32k nikaage nazo"
I told her there is no need for small small, and if i leve the 32k, I have no guarantee that she will be there. She said ' Si hata ufuunge na inje na uede na funguo?
I told her to have patient, deal is deal.
She said Ok sweerie, usikae. alafu, ebu nipee your number ndio tuwasiliane" I gave her Theuri's Airtel number and left to get the ATM. Theuris Aritel never enters, unles you are on his contact list. He has a ka Shina phone that filters who calls. But she attempted to call 108 times. It notifies you everytime someone attempts to call you. I know she wrote a million sms of abuse but sms also dont enter.
When I left, I thouthed that his group could follow me. So, I took a taxi from Total petro station until Westlands where I took a mat to town. That day, I felt so good. I had washed a wash wash. She thoughted she will wash me , but I washed her.
In the evening, I called Theuri and others and beated them stories. They were collected under the table because I lied to them that I even climbed kwa nyeni. I told them how my josto was looking like a taribo when digging muddy areas. But Theuri stopped me and said "Wahotire ri kuhaica mundu shoti ikirike imwe? ngoma! (When did you enable climb person more than one joti? Devil)
Next Story is about Gold digging Banker Digs hard Ground.
I remain,
Dagitari Wanjohi
Senior Gyno
Currently on Strike
Thursday, June 28, 2012
All That Starts Well, Ends Well.
If you can eat money of a persons of out, and you are not a gigolo, I need to talk to you. And I don't mean eating all her savings, I mean something like sharing simple things in life like bills. Not electricity bills, small bills like beer bill. Equal equal. Majimbo. Zimbabwe.
One day, we were having meat of burnt at Magomano when we started to talk about persons. Theuri interjected and told me that there was that person of out that looked like sun that had been secretly admiring me ;) but the dickhead could not read the signs. I asked what her name was and he said “Carol uria wa (deleted).” My josto nearly hit my chin with an erection! I was like “Holy shit, she is so cute and.. successful too in business, you mean she said that?” To be very honest with me, she was easily the hottest person in downtown. She had these incredible brookies and the most well formed body. No stomach, and successful in her business too.
With the speed of light, I went to her shop and pretended to buy some stuff. Then, I brought this very important subject "by the way, how do you manage to keep that figure so.. (wanted to say malnourished).. size? You can start an academy to teach these fatty fatty women around here the secret.. you know?"
She didn't either did not like that line or she had been used to that. I felt like bursting into flames for not impressing her and quickly, I changed the topic, "Reo unanunua akoho wapi?" Like she was waiting for that, she said she likes Upperhill area.
It was in my weirdest dreams that I thought such a person could actually admire me. Huh!. Only college girls do, and they do it to get airtime from me. The other groups is exhibitions stalls persons so that they can get beer treats when every other date has failed, or in many occasions, get hookups, coz I have many eligible money removers and eligible bachelors as my friends. I tried to comfort myself that I may be growing handsome, or else, she wanted to learn my business. The later more though. I still could not believe that Carol, of all the persons would say or think of dating me. What would she tell her friends she was doing with me?
In the back of my head, it was to be a three three beers and meat, then, see you another day.
Upper-hill
We sat down and ordered beer. She asked for coloniolistic evil and devilish beer called Heinneken. one Heinneken was going for two hundred. With one round, 550 bob drank water.
Since it is unwritten rule that any Kikuyu man MUST buy you meat of burnt when he takes you out, I went to order meat. In that place, you cant measure your meat in kilos. I don't even know how they measure, but smallest portion goes for 1,200, and is served in a very very hot black pan that when its brought to the table, it comes producing this sound... "shiiiiii" because of hotness. And the meat has no bones.
After eating, I asked another round. Small time the bill had now climbed to Kshs.2,300 bob. A very huge bill for two rounds and a few pieces of meat served in a pan. I started to sense danger there there. I started to sip beer small small, in an interval of 10 minutes as I recited a silent prayer, cursing whoever introduced Heinekenn in Kenya. But the cursing stopped when I remembered who I was with.
This person was another. Despite drinking colonialistic beer, she was also drinking as if it was water. Very fast. Theuri says that if you are getting bought for, you must follow the pace of the buyer. If you drink faster than the buyer, buy for yourself a drink as you wait for the buyer to finish his. This one did not know that. She does not know Theuri and she does not know God.
As if the bill was being paid to climb, before flinching three times, it had climbed to 3,500 bob. With a total of 4k I had, it was impossible to ask for another round of that bill. As impossible as it is water to oil. Looking at her with vagina of her eyes, she did not appear like she was up for any equal equal.
I started now not to even enjoy the beer, at all. It started to taste like urine. When I was sipping that 'urine' with now a larger interval of like 17 minutes, I could hear my mind tell me 'If you set your eyes into something, you will achieve, if you believe, so shall it be. Believe that she will do equal equal and see"
There there, I refused to be tempted by the devil. You cant jump from toppest floor of Times tower and believe that you will not hit the ground. Its foolish to believe such.
The believe now matured to a whisper, I dont know from who. Must be the devil, the lier "Nikii, nduire mundu ucio mwike Majimbo" (tell the person you do equal equal)
The whisper eminded me of the Murphy's law. If its bad, its bad. Atleast she knew I was I was a frigging Dr. with a small clinic in River road, with very low income and if only she was to get considerate small and allow me to use that cash she was wasting on colonialistic beer on better things, like room, or makobosto, she will be a great woman. I started to count 1234 so that when it reached maximum, I get guts to tell her to throw her money in the book of bill, 1700 bob so that we can know if to start afresh.
Seeing nothing, I removed the 4k and called the waiter, hoping she will either tell me to return bill, its hers or throw her Zimbabwe. She looked at me with vagina of her eyes, refusing to know if I wanted to call off the drinking spree. When the waiter returned my change, he made sure it was in loose so that I can give him the loose ones. I told him with heart that he has milked a he-goat.
With now remaining 500 bob I didnt know what to do. The idea of telling her to buy was not the best one, so i told myself. You know, no matter how bad things got, no matter how bad, at least I never have to stick my lick a glass, that’s just, that’s not a successful life.
Having no plan B now, with plan A of now asking for one one drink for the last straw since the person was now showing the signs of 'I have just started", I saw an uncle of mine who is also very close to me, step in with his PM. I ate njaro until they sat. Then,I knelt and said small prayers to thank God for being an answer in times of need. I waited until his PM went to latrine and rushed there.
After greetings, I told him 'We warehuo ni ngai. Ndigiukire guku na maraya iranyua ta Heno. rehe miti iri" (I came here with a trapper drinking like Heno. bring two k). without returning, he handed me two k and told me to grow brains.
I went back to the seat and life returned small. But this time, I was paying cash, not bill, so that atleast, she tell herself to buy a round. Small time, from the two K I had gotten, I was now remaining with a K. And the person was not showing any signs of falling falling.
In my head, I was praying that she checks in my clinic tomorrow of that day, I w'd, atleast cure that her disease of drinking coloniolistic beer without feeling anything. I could easily achieve that by touching her brookie, the touch would send that disease right back to Satan, where it came from. If that fails, I could tell her that the other cure comes by inserting medicine in her tiita. The medicine though, should be inserted within 15 minutes, and must be driven in by a josto. If she can get a josto to insert within 15 minutes of issuance, thats ok. If she cant, then Dagitari will have the pleasure of inserting, at a fee.
To be contd tomorrow..
I remain,
Dr. Wanjohi
EBH, PHD, Senior Gyno, Pyschic.
Clinix Inc.
River Road.
One day, we were having meat of burnt at Magomano when we started to talk about persons. Theuri interjected and told me that there was that person of out that looked like sun that had been secretly admiring me ;) but the dickhead could not read the signs. I asked what her name was and he said “Carol uria wa (deleted).” My josto nearly hit my chin with an erection! I was like “Holy shit, she is so cute and.. successful too in business, you mean she said that?” To be very honest with me, she was easily the hottest person in downtown. She had these incredible brookies and the most well formed body. No stomach, and successful in her business too.
With the speed of light, I went to her shop and pretended to buy some stuff. Then, I brought this very important subject "by the way, how do you manage to keep that figure so.. (wanted to say malnourished).. size? You can start an academy to teach these fatty fatty women around here the secret.. you know?"
She didn't either did not like that line or she had been used to that. I felt like bursting into flames for not impressing her and quickly, I changed the topic, "Reo unanunua akoho wapi?" Like she was waiting for that, she said she likes Upperhill area.
It was in my weirdest dreams that I thought such a person could actually admire me. Huh!. Only college girls do, and they do it to get airtime from me. The other groups is exhibitions stalls persons so that they can get beer treats when every other date has failed, or in many occasions, get hookups, coz I have many eligible money removers and eligible bachelors as my friends. I tried to comfort myself that I may be growing handsome, or else, she wanted to learn my business. The later more though. I still could not believe that Carol, of all the persons would say or think of dating me. What would she tell her friends she was doing with me?
In the back of my head, it was to be a three three beers and meat, then, see you another day.
Upper-hill
We sat down and ordered beer. She asked for coloniolistic evil and devilish beer called Heinneken. one Heinneken was going for two hundred. With one round, 550 bob drank water.
Since it is unwritten rule that any Kikuyu man MUST buy you meat of burnt when he takes you out, I went to order meat. In that place, you cant measure your meat in kilos. I don't even know how they measure, but smallest portion goes for 1,200, and is served in a very very hot black pan that when its brought to the table, it comes producing this sound... "shiiiiii" because of hotness. And the meat has no bones.
After eating, I asked another round. Small time the bill had now climbed to Kshs.2,300 bob. A very huge bill for two rounds and a few pieces of meat served in a pan. I started to sense danger there there. I started to sip beer small small, in an interval of 10 minutes as I recited a silent prayer, cursing whoever introduced Heinekenn in Kenya. But the cursing stopped when I remembered who I was with.
This person was another. Despite drinking colonialistic beer, she was also drinking as if it was water. Very fast. Theuri says that if you are getting bought for, you must follow the pace of the buyer. If you drink faster than the buyer, buy for yourself a drink as you wait for the buyer to finish his. This one did not know that. She does not know Theuri and she does not know God.
As if the bill was being paid to climb, before flinching three times, it had climbed to 3,500 bob. With a total of 4k I had, it was impossible to ask for another round of that bill. As impossible as it is water to oil. Looking at her with vagina of her eyes, she did not appear like she was up for any equal equal.
I started now not to even enjoy the beer, at all. It started to taste like urine. When I was sipping that 'urine' with now a larger interval of like 17 minutes, I could hear my mind tell me 'If you set your eyes into something, you will achieve, if you believe, so shall it be. Believe that she will do equal equal and see"
There there, I refused to be tempted by the devil. You cant jump from toppest floor of Times tower and believe that you will not hit the ground. Its foolish to believe such.
The believe now matured to a whisper, I dont know from who. Must be the devil, the lier "Nikii, nduire mundu ucio mwike Majimbo" (tell the person you do equal equal)
The whisper eminded me of the Murphy's law. If its bad, its bad. Atleast she knew I was I was a frigging Dr. with a small clinic in River road, with very low income and if only she was to get considerate small and allow me to use that cash she was wasting on colonialistic beer on better things, like room, or makobosto, she will be a great woman. I started to count 1234 so that when it reached maximum, I get guts to tell her to throw her money in the book of bill, 1700 bob so that we can know if to start afresh.
Seeing nothing, I removed the 4k and called the waiter, hoping she will either tell me to return bill, its hers or throw her Zimbabwe. She looked at me with vagina of her eyes, refusing to know if I wanted to call off the drinking spree. When the waiter returned my change, he made sure it was in loose so that I can give him the loose ones. I told him with heart that he has milked a he-goat.
With now remaining 500 bob I didnt know what to do. The idea of telling her to buy was not the best one, so i told myself. You know, no matter how bad things got, no matter how bad, at least I never have to stick my lick a glass, that’s just, that’s not a successful life.
Having no plan B now, with plan A of now asking for one one drink for the last straw since the person was now showing the signs of 'I have just started", I saw an uncle of mine who is also very close to me, step in with his PM. I ate njaro until they sat. Then,I knelt and said small prayers to thank God for being an answer in times of need. I waited until his PM went to latrine and rushed there.
After greetings, I told him 'We warehuo ni ngai. Ndigiukire guku na maraya iranyua ta Heno. rehe miti iri" (I came here with a trapper drinking like Heno. bring two k). without returning, he handed me two k and told me to grow brains.
I went back to the seat and life returned small. But this time, I was paying cash, not bill, so that atleast, she tell herself to buy a round. Small time, from the two K I had gotten, I was now remaining with a K. And the person was not showing any signs of falling falling.
In my head, I was praying that she checks in my clinic tomorrow of that day, I w'd, atleast cure that her disease of drinking coloniolistic beer without feeling anything. I could easily achieve that by touching her brookie, the touch would send that disease right back to Satan, where it came from. If that fails, I could tell her that the other cure comes by inserting medicine in her tiita. The medicine though, should be inserted within 15 minutes, and must be driven in by a josto. If she can get a josto to insert within 15 minutes of issuance, thats ok. If she cant, then Dagitari will have the pleasure of inserting, at a fee.
To be contd tomorrow..
I remain,
Dr. Wanjohi
EBH, PHD, Senior Gyno, Pyschic.
Clinix Inc.
River Road.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Where Not To Keep Makobosto.
It is suicidal to climb unmeasured persons without makobosto, but it is treason to forget makobosto in your pockets. If you have to climb persons, always use makobosto and if you have a PM, there are rules to be followed on how to store them. If you are married, and you climb people, you might want to read further, because it can happen to you. You might also need a pen and paper if you want to take notes.
Though it is not good to rejoice at problems of your friends, I rejoiced on this one because the person in question originally belonged to me.
There is this person who owns an Mpesa shop in town. I started stories of giants of how I could help her expand her business by injecting small capital, to be repaid in 2030. The person looked at me and told me "wandora wona hana fala e? ungiona muiretu uretikia ati story taicwo ciaku, ni fala. Nie ngereire maundu ine mainge muno wona nginyite haha. Henetio ni arume ngagia hakiri. We njita tunyue njohi na nyama no maundu ma kuhe mbeca tiga" (You have looked at me you saw a fala? If you see any person falling on those stories is a fala. I have passed through so many things, I have been cheated by men, oh, I will give you money, until i grew brains. You call me we drink beer and meat, but stories of giving me money, leave).
I told her I meant what I said, and infact, I even wanted her to born me a baby of boy. She said she is mature enough, to put thuruari on head is not news and should never be news. But stories more than that, she does not want because she hates getting false hopes. She read me until I gave myself shuguli.
In the evening, now assured of muclimbano, I called her to come to Ngara where I was with Akuku and Theuri, Mpesa. When she came, she found me drinking Tusker but because I wanted to appear more sophisticated, I changed to Tusker Malt. She ordered for redwine, though later small, I convinced her to take Caprice instead (because its cheaper to me). From there, beer started to flow, all rounds coming from Akuku. Small time, I started to refuse to know myself.
The bad thing about refusing to know myself is that my devils always shows me to go home, even if I am with a person that looks like two suns.
And Akuku since he knows that, continued to feed me more and more Malts, all on his bill. Akuku and Theuri are like from the same stomach, although they are not related. Their behaviours are like they are from the same stomach.
Now small time, they struck a deal. I cant remember how I left there, but i remember passing by my homepub. I was told that I bought people drinks, even strangers. Tomorrow of that day, I was given a bill of 1800 bob.
Tomorrow of that day, Akuku called us and told us that he has denounced the devil, the persons, people that are friendly to what mucukani likes and all drinks that are frothy.
He told us that when I losted, he was now left with my person. He went to the counter and bought two packets of makobosto. He bought two because in his head, it told him that because to her thutha, and sun like face, and godly behaviour, he will climb a minimum of 5 Jotis. They were well wrapped with an old newspaper. At Bee centre rooms, he was asked his name. He said Maina. George Maina. Akuku, like me, answers to so many names. Some people call him symo, Masha, Akuku and the butcher people call him 3/4 for his fondness of 3/4 meat.
Inside room, he removed one packet of makobost and returned the balance in his pocket. Because he was equally drank, he ramnyad the person one joti only, like what majority of us do. One joti is enough, no need to kill yourself with two or three. The person tried to have him eat another one but it refused to stand. He hurriedly dressed up, dropped the 'hanging' person at her house and went home.
In the morning, at his house, he was woken up by kicks and wails from his pm. When he opened his eyes, his PM was holding a packet of makobosto and a receipt for room, and keys, with very bid keyholder of wood, with no. 29 on it.
He looked at all refused to know what to do. He rose up, thinking of running away for good because death was nigh. Quick thinking, he looked at them and asked his PM 'ici ciauma ku?" (Where did that come from?) Wailing, she said "mumaraya uyu riu ona urenda kunyonia ati kuria uma kuhura umaraya waku? Nie urenda kunjuraga niki? (You trapper, you want to show me where you are now trapping e? You want to kill me ?)
akuku calmly said 'uka thii. niki?
Whatever he tried to say did not make sense. And she could neither listen. The PM could hear nothing. He told Akuku they must go to Bee centre and verify who was at that room. Akuku refused small but when he saw his pm was creating more commotion, he refused what to do. He putted on a clothes and walked with his pm towards the gate. His PM all this long was shouting obscenities at him and wailing loudly. When he saw he was getting embarased too much, he tried to walk faster. His pm realised he was running away. She run after him and held him by the jacket. He freed himself by removing the jacket and run away as fast as he could.
I dont know how the story went after that because when he was narrating that story to us, all our ribs had dried because of laughter and we were all under the table. I will get how it ended today in the evening.
Lesson learnt.
That is what happens when:
You steal a person that does not belong to you
You keep makobosto in your pocket
You keep a receipt of room in your pocket.
To avoid such:
Never keep makobosto in your pocket. When I BUY, I hold them with hands, or I give the person to carry.
Never give your real identity in room. If they insist on names, you can give out a fake name.
If they pass the receipt to you, do not touch it. Leave it at the counter, or take and tear it.
Do not, and I repeat, do not take room keys. leave them at the door. some rooms tells you to drop the key at the reception. Refuse. Tell them to pick it themselves.
I hope I have helped you.
PS: My clinic is now open. The others will be opened once NHIF deposits the money in my account. I am open everyday from 8 pm. I treat persons only, diseases like lack of boy child, failure to get orgasms and related.
I remain
Dr. Wanjohi
Snr Gyno
Klinix International
River Road.
Though it is not good to rejoice at problems of your friends, I rejoiced on this one because the person in question originally belonged to me.
There is this person who owns an Mpesa shop in town. I started stories of giants of how I could help her expand her business by injecting small capital, to be repaid in 2030. The person looked at me and told me "wandora wona hana fala e? ungiona muiretu uretikia ati story taicwo ciaku, ni fala. Nie ngereire maundu ine mainge muno wona nginyite haha. Henetio ni arume ngagia hakiri. We njita tunyue njohi na nyama no maundu ma kuhe mbeca tiga" (You have looked at me you saw a fala? If you see any person falling on those stories is a fala. I have passed through so many things, I have been cheated by men, oh, I will give you money, until i grew brains. You call me we drink beer and meat, but stories of giving me money, leave).
I told her I meant what I said, and infact, I even wanted her to born me a baby of boy. She said she is mature enough, to put thuruari on head is not news and should never be news. But stories more than that, she does not want because she hates getting false hopes. She read me until I gave myself shuguli.
In the evening, now assured of muclimbano, I called her to come to Ngara where I was with Akuku and Theuri, Mpesa. When she came, she found me drinking Tusker but because I wanted to appear more sophisticated, I changed to Tusker Malt. She ordered for redwine, though later small, I convinced her to take Caprice instead (because its cheaper to me). From there, beer started to flow, all rounds coming from Akuku. Small time, I started to refuse to know myself.
The bad thing about refusing to know myself is that my devils always shows me to go home, even if I am with a person that looks like two suns.
And Akuku since he knows that, continued to feed me more and more Malts, all on his bill. Akuku and Theuri are like from the same stomach, although they are not related. Their behaviours are like they are from the same stomach.
Now small time, they struck a deal. I cant remember how I left there, but i remember passing by my homepub. I was told that I bought people drinks, even strangers. Tomorrow of that day, I was given a bill of 1800 bob.
Tomorrow of that day, Akuku called us and told us that he has denounced the devil, the persons, people that are friendly to what mucukani likes and all drinks that are frothy.
He told us that when I losted, he was now left with my person. He went to the counter and bought two packets of makobosto. He bought two because in his head, it told him that because to her thutha, and sun like face, and godly behaviour, he will climb a minimum of 5 Jotis. They were well wrapped with an old newspaper. At Bee centre rooms, he was asked his name. He said Maina. George Maina. Akuku, like me, answers to so many names. Some people call him symo, Masha, Akuku and the butcher people call him 3/4 for his fondness of 3/4 meat.
Inside room, he removed one packet of makobost and returned the balance in his pocket. Because he was equally drank, he ramnyad the person one joti only, like what majority of us do. One joti is enough, no need to kill yourself with two or three. The person tried to have him eat another one but it refused to stand. He hurriedly dressed up, dropped the 'hanging' person at her house and went home.
In the morning, at his house, he was woken up by kicks and wails from his pm. When he opened his eyes, his PM was holding a packet of makobosto and a receipt for room, and keys, with very bid keyholder of wood, with no. 29 on it.
He looked at all refused to know what to do. He rose up, thinking of running away for good because death was nigh. Quick thinking, he looked at them and asked his PM 'ici ciauma ku?" (Where did that come from?) Wailing, she said "mumaraya uyu riu ona urenda kunyonia ati kuria uma kuhura umaraya waku? Nie urenda kunjuraga niki? (You trapper, you want to show me where you are now trapping e? You want to kill me ?)
akuku calmly said 'uka thii. niki?
Whatever he tried to say did not make sense. And she could neither listen. The PM could hear nothing. He told Akuku they must go to Bee centre and verify who was at that room. Akuku refused small but when he saw his pm was creating more commotion, he refused what to do. He putted on a clothes and walked with his pm towards the gate. His PM all this long was shouting obscenities at him and wailing loudly. When he saw he was getting embarased too much, he tried to walk faster. His pm realised he was running away. She run after him and held him by the jacket. He freed himself by removing the jacket and run away as fast as he could.
I dont know how the story went after that because when he was narrating that story to us, all our ribs had dried because of laughter and we were all under the table. I will get how it ended today in the evening.
Lesson learnt.
That is what happens when:
You steal a person that does not belong to you
You keep makobosto in your pocket
You keep a receipt of room in your pocket.
To avoid such:
Never keep makobosto in your pocket. When I BUY, I hold them with hands, or I give the person to carry.
Never give your real identity in room. If they insist on names, you can give out a fake name.
If they pass the receipt to you, do not touch it. Leave it at the counter, or take and tear it.
Do not, and I repeat, do not take room keys. leave them at the door. some rooms tells you to drop the key at the reception. Refuse. Tell them to pick it themselves.
I hope I have helped you.
PS: My clinic is now open. The others will be opened once NHIF deposits the money in my account. I am open everyday from 8 pm. I treat persons only, diseases like lack of boy child, failure to get orgasms and related.
I remain
Dr. Wanjohi
Snr Gyno
Klinix International
River Road.
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