Remove I Remove

This weekend at Herisquare lounge, Ikenia Arts will be presenting a show called Ruta ndute (remove I remove). Its an adult show and its about removing thuruaris.

This has made me remember with pain an incident that happened last night. Its opposite of remove I remove.

There is this persons I met, who has eaten salt almost like me though she looks twedi one and has more stairs and trucks than me.

One time we were drinking dogogio and we started beating stories of adults, a topic I like so much. I singed my zig zag, beating drums for it on how it coils inside persons and beats all corners until tiita removes smoke.

She looked with vagina of her eyes at where my josto is located and in her head, she confirmed it is zig zag. She closed one eye on me and I closed mine for her. We exchanged contacts and started whatsapping and IMOing like daily until I borrowed things.

Yesterday, the date happened. She was to see one of her flats she was constructing in Kitengela and requested me to accompany her.

The thought of eating a rich made my heart beat to beat. You know I am used to eating MkUs who I flatten to that they will become rich once josto dangles made me refuse to know what lie to tell a rich. The thought of eating a persons who has eaten salt almost like me made me refuse to know. You know those who have eaten salt have very firm muscles. The many years the tiita has been pounded makes the muscles firm, they can press small and you will pour all that is in bells within 1 seconds.

When I got her at a parking slot in town, she telled me I come drive her. A 5.2 litter machine that drinks oil to drink. When driving it, I was driving with all my head out so that I am seen by as many persons who will think I drive a 5Lt machine and come with it on head this weekend.

It is this us, until Kitengela. After inspecting her flats in progress, we headed to ana small dogogio place of the rich.

As we were drinking, she touched zig and confirmed it stands coiled, not straight. Her bean started to beat beat until she almost poured on herself. Small, she could not tolerate anymore, she called called the waiter and telled him to do total. I was about to tell her equal equal when she removed card and paid all of it. She then telled me we go to room.

I tried to figure out where we get rooms of like 1500 which I could afford comfortably. She telled me to beat car fire until of Kinuthia Mbugua's in Utawala.

Since I was born, I have never been to that place. When we entered, head telled me that rooms dont go for 1500. We removed from car and headed straight to reception. I was walking behind her so that she does not get removed by devil and tell me to pay. She paid and we were directed to room.

It is this us, until room. Small, I rolled makobosto then inserted josto sloooowly. When all josto was in, she presed her tiita muscles and tree felt like it was being strangled. I removed half of zig and returned, removed and on returning again, I felt like bells had been putted pump to remove everything stored there. I then collapsed on top of her.

She asked me with alot of worry "Wanjohi ndukauge niwaita?" (Wanjohi dont say you have poured?)

I saided in very low voice "ndikuga" (I wont say)

I refused to know what to do to ukia again because as I have always telled you, I only climb one joti, unless I will sleep with the persons until morning. Otherwise, it cant stand even if what. Infact I hear men saying they climbed 3 jostis in a span of 1 hour and refuse to know, is it that they dont know how to count jotis or is it satan they have in their head that directs them to do such evils or is it that they dont have ambition in life that the only thing they think is to climb? Me once I pour, thats it. Who seeks fame that they climbed a persons 4 jostis? for what? I always refuse to know.

She breathed hard and waited for me maybe to wake up and finish her fire. In head, I knew that fire can only be finished by either cold water or her fingers.

After 5 minutes when strength returned, I removed from bed and went and bathed, then returned.

When I picked my trouser to dress up and go home, she rose from her lying position, sat on the bed and asked me

"Wanjohi niki ureka?" (What are you doing?)

I saided (Rucio ndi wira tene, reke nie nyumirie" (I am working early tomorrow, let me remove)

She saided "Mwathani, ati ki? nduri kundu urathie utahete tuna" (Ati what? there is no where you are going until you give me 4 jotis!)

Head refused to know, since I was born, my record stands at 3 and that was when I was young. Now, at my age, where will 4 jostis come from? even 2nd one, even if what, it cant even with medicine of ukambani.

I stopped dressing up and returned to bed, said a small prayer to return mukio. I sucked brookies, tried to put images of all persons I have ever wished to one day to even if only insert head, but where. I telled head to think it is Jahkey's brookies I was sucking so that tree can sprout again but where. I looked at her eyes and replaced them with Silver's but where. I putted images of those of TV but where until I gave up.

I cursed all those persons I was putting images of but were not helping in making tree stand. I refused to know how babish they are.

After 30 minutes of trying which appeared like eternity, I broke the bad news to her. I telled her I cant be able ukia again even if what. She asked me why. I telled her it is because I ate meat of burnt which burns all calories of standing.

She rose up and held her hands akimbo and asked me

"Wanjohi reke ngurie i, we na ti mbeca ndirenda hariwe, nduri kinduuu, nduri ona ki, nie ni muti ucio waku nyendaga arafu uremwo kunjika? ii?(Wanjohi, let me ask you, it is not money that I want from you, you dont have anything, it is that tree of yours, now you are unable to climb me?)

I thined myself and saided it is because her tiita was soo tight that it milked everything in the bells.

In bitter voice, she telled me

"Na mundu angikuona ugithie na fara no akuhe gitio muno na hatiri wira haha. Hatiri wira, bure tu. Mundu no one taui kuhaicana no wewe ni bure kabisa. Muthita ucio waku kafa urengwo uheo aria moi guikana (If one sees you walking on the road, they cant give you respect, but you are nothing. One can say you can climb but where. That josto should be cut off and be given to those who knows how to climb )

Let me tell you, for free, I was readed for over 1 hour. Since I was born, I have never been readed like that. She removed I failed to remove. None of my whatsapp messages have been returned and my 5 IMO calls went answered.

Now, if you can climb 4 jotis, call me I give you contacts. You will drive a 5 litter engine then thank me later.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gynae & COOJO (Climber of One Joti Only)

—

How I Climbed a Watchie

When a persons you are with drinks dogogio with no mathematics until morning, even refusing to know herself, then she disappear leaving your stretched until knee, as a man, you have several options.  You can pick trappers, you can use your hand (if you have Vaseline, experience and good memory to keep images of persons you have admired ), or you can say like what hare saided.. it was not ripe. In this case, say she had month. Climbing a washman is not among the options.


This is what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was not intending to beat you this story because no one go beating stories to people of how he climbed some cliques unless the level of kichuodho has reached an all time high where you say bad is bad.


Theuri and I were in Nyeri swinging. And we had persons. Let me not lie. And it was Theuri who was buying. And the persons I was with was brought to me by Theuri's persons.  Let me not lie because liers are of Satan.


On this particular day, I could not even wipe flies off myself. I had parad piu piu. I was being standed for by Theuri, from beer to dogogio of my persons to everything.


On this day, as usual, I was the one doing the talking talking and Theuri was doing the buying. As usual when I have parad, I talk much so that I can be kept quiet by a buyer of dogogio. As you know, if you are bought dogogio for, you must henceforth listen to what the buyer of dogogio is saying, lest dogogio pipe is cutted.


It did not take long before the persons realized that I was not buying even small. Even small!


 Small, she stopped listening to what I was saying, to calls I was making to my drivers to ask if they had parked all the trucks, which had been catched by police and kanju, which escaped way bridge overloaded etc.


When I saw things were getting out of hand, I smsed Theuri and telled him I don't have even what. He passed 3k under the table. I k was meant to be left on the table for the persons in the morning to buy milk and another one to stand for me so that I dont walk like that and another 1K to buy a round to appear like a man to the persons.


I ate Njaro small, meaning I did not ask for a round.

When it came to time to go to room, Theuri went with his persons upstairs. I telled her we go also.  She threw saliva out and losted in the crowd of that bar. I was left alone refusing to know.

I scanned around and approached several. They all wanted dogogio before we talk. I bought several to one until 1k finished and morning almost reached. When I telled her we go sleep, she saided she cant sleep in room. I either take her home or go to satan. I refused to know, tree coiled back and left for room alone, head telling me like that hare stories, maybe she had month that is why she has refused.

As I was talking the stairs, I met a soldier persons, if full regalia. Tall and well stunyad. under normal circumstances, I fear tall persons. Not fearing per se, they kinda intimidate me. I sometimes see as if they can spank me and tell me "grow tall boy, grow tall". In some other cases, I have found very tall persons to have tall thing as well. Maybe it becomes tall as well when one grown tall.  Its not typical though and dont quote me, but I have encountered one or two hence conclusion.

 I greeted her and she accepted.

I started a conversation about Nyeri and its people. She talked with authority just like normal police. Anyway, even soldiers are police, its only that they dont carry guns.

 I then asked her

"Guku ndugikaguo muno muno ni itonga cia guku? (si you get done much here by rich of Nyeri?)

She threw saliva out then folded face and replied "mmmm andu a nyiri makuhete ngiri monaga ta makugurira nyumba" (People of Nyeri if they give you a k they see like they have bought you a house)

There there, tree stretched until knee. I telled her in loud voice "Andu a nyiri matikoraguo kinduuuu. Ni mbeca matari (People of Nyeri don't have anything, it is money they dont have)

I telled her to give me a push until room. When she followed, it was an assurance that she had accepted to remove for the leader even without borrowing or buying even one dogogio.

I gave her room keys and telled her to open. She opened and went and sat straight on the bed. I went to latrine, urinated fear of being denied by a soldier. When I returned, she was lying facing up with all her regalia still on.

I tried to unbuckle the heavy belt but where. She telled me I need to go to Kiganjo for training to be able to. She rose and unbucled until she remained like she was born.

As I was inserting makobosto, I was praying that she turns different from some very very tall persons I had encountered before.

Twaff twaff, where. No thread even small. I putted image of the one who losted at the bar until I poured.

When she returned cloths, I reached for Ik from my trouser and handed her a K, knowing very well that that k had drunk water.

She looked at it badly then asked.. "haha noho ndiraruta fare?"  (Is this where I am supposed to remove fare?)

I turned on the other side of bed and asked her in loud voice "Guku kwanyu nyiri ii,  Ngiri ndifunjagwo? (here at yours Nyeri, you dont break one thousand notes?)

She left room beating mouth.

Tomorrow of that day, Theuri met me at the restaurant taking breakfast of room. I telled her how I climbed that persons her persons had thrown me until she removed smoke, only for that persons to appear at the restaurant with Theuri's persons. I concluded he climbed the two of them.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyna & CCTV