Why I Did Not Become A FreeMasons.

I have seen people call Uhunye a Freemason just because his PM will be holding for him the swearing Bible. I am not a fanatic, so I reserve my comments. And again, I dont know much about Freemasons but were it not for three people, I would be one of the "freemasons" in Kenya.

My dream of becoming a freemasons was stopped by 3 people. The solder that guards that place, a mkamba conman and Satan.

Long time ago, a matatu biz I was doing had hit rock botton, infact it was being looked for by auctioneers because it had a loan that it was not paying and it had passed the age of being able to pay a loan by itself without external assistance, making me go hide it in some place called Borabu some very remote place than Rumuruti. The taxi business I was doing very bad also, it was barely even able to even make it drink petrol of 200. In my exhibition stall, customers were passing my shop as if there was no shop at all and buying from neighbor. In short, I had landed on foot well well.

I looked for answers of why I had landed on foot like that and refused to know. One day, I said a small prayer in my bedroom. I telled God that he had a week to return my biz into profitability, failure to which I will defect.

God is never threatened, so, nothing changed at all.

One day, I remembered that there is a place I had been seeing when I was going to visit my friends at University of Nairobi, that i had heard with rumors that they pray Satan.

I first went to google and researched what free masons were. In google, it saided that they don't worship Satan, and that its a highly secretive society of rich men. Infact you must believe in some being in order to be a member.

I searched further how to enter and saw that you must be introduced by a two members. I searched further and saw that to know a member, it was impossible because they don't go saying they are members.

In my research, I found that you don't sacrifice people as it was rumored, so I got some reprieve, though I had no major problem with that because if i was asked to sacrifice, I would have gladly given our Theuri or persons that I was ramnyaring before business went down. I also had many taxi clients who I could have given out with pleasure, especially those that I was taking home and were deciding to pay me with 'pleasure".

One day, one of the auctioneer guy called and telled me that they have finally gotten clue of where I had hidden the matatu and if I did not want embarrassment, I avail 10k so that he can turn a blind eye on where it was. I thinked what to do but refused to get answers. I knew if they got hold of it, me and that matatu will be inlaws and all money I had paid isl lost on earth.

I filled myself and saided that I will go to freemasons hall and seek info directly of how to urgently became a member. When I reached gate, I met a soldier; old, haggard and hungry. I telled him I wanted to go inside. He said that saying I want to go in, is like saying I want to enter statehouse to shoot the president. I made known my mission. He first looked at me with eyes of satan.

He called me aside and telled me so sit with him inside those to houses of soldiers. He then said "kijana, to be a member here is not easy because you must be introduced by an existing member. And dont be cheated that if you come here, you must sacrifice anybody. But If you want info, bring me one thousand and you will be home and dry".

Asking me for a thousand was like asking a fly to donate blood. I telled him to allow me enter first. He telled me that he can, if I insist, but I dont blame him what will happen to me. He telled me that he once allowed some two stubbon guys and what they saw, they even jumped over the fence as they losted away.

I went back to town and came back with a thao. When I gave him, he telled me

"Kijana, you are very lucky because you are courageous. You are like another one that came here a few weeks ago. I sent him to a member that has chemists all over (si u told me you are a doctor?). He was coming on foot and a few weeks later, he now he comes with sports cars, changin ever now and then. And all are cars of shops. You know how to check cars of shop? like here, all cars that come here are of shops. "

I said no. He said I will know when I start buying cars of shops and that will happen when I enter.

Blood boiled and I almost called the auctioneer to go get the matatu if he knew for real. But in head, I was asking why he himself has not joined. Satan would whisper "how many lecturers did you have that looked worse? and they teached you until you passed. Some people are made like that"

He telled me that he is going to send me to a guy that has many businesses in Nyamakima, and has fleets of buses that go to Ukambani and his name is Mwanzia.

I saided he do it faster. He said that since he was senior guy and very rich, he was the only one who could call me. I agreed because, you dont call Rich, they call you. And when you call reach, you call shaking more put a sound of fear and respect. So, he asked me to leave him my number and when he came to the freemasons hall at night, he will pass my desire to join and my number.

In my head, it telled me that I had been conned a k, so I walked back to town dejected.

When I reached my stall, customers started to see it. The persons that I had written there started to show smilling face. She had not been paid for month, used to take only fare and in her head, she knew that since money was now comming, all her arrears wil be cleared that day. That day, I sold and sold until I paid her one month salary. In head, I said maybe God had seen my threat was serious and had decided to maintain me on his side because I am good naturally.

At night, when I was trapping with my taxi, I got so many customers until I prayed for forgiveness for thinking of defecting to some places I didnt know..

I telled God that if the momentum will be maintained like that, I will stop sinning, and would not even close one eye to persons.

Following day, at exactly 5, my phone cried. The guy one the other end, in a very very heavy kamba accent saided "ao a yu"

I said "Msuli sana"

He saided "uko wapi kiyana? mimi naintwa Mwansia. Nilimpeo nama yao nikaamiwa unantaa ku yoin yama"

I asked "chama gani"

He replied "Si wewe unaio Wayoi" I said Naitwa Wanjohi, sio Wayoi. It is then I remembered that the guy that was to call me was named Mwanzia and quickly and in loud voice, I said, aa, nimekumbuka. ndio nataka ku join chama".

He then said "saa hii uo wawi? I saided "Tom Mboya."

He said 'Kuya hapa sanglet otel saa hii. sawa? "

I asked which Sagret because i know two. One in river road and another one opposite former CID headquarters Nairobi of up. He said of River road. I refused to know.

In head, i knew I was dealing with a con because, at Sagret of river road, you cant talk weighty matters like joining free masons. You only discuss small matters, like making fake degree certificates and title deed.

I said, although I formally withdrew my candidature and was no longer interested in joining the free masons, I said, let me go and see how they look like.

When I reached, I saw a guy as thin as Kagame, with beard not shaven beckon me. He introduced himself as Mwanzia.

There there, he telled me to sit down and to buy him a Tusker as we talked. I agreed but refused to know how a rich man would ask a poor looking aspirant of riches to buy him beer.

He then started to talk of how rich he is, how he imports stuff from Shina and his many matatu business. That confirmed that he was fake. Those are stories we only talk when we are dogogio like Satan. Thats the only time we get confidence of singing goats that you have never even seen.

Small, he telled me that to introduce me, I have to pay a membership fee of 200k, but he will pay 75% of that. So, I need to raise 50k. He said it was supposed to show him I am committed. He telled me that and I must be sure if I want to join coz once I join, I cant remove.

Knowing too well that that he was a con, I telled him to give me a week or so. From there, I was seeing his calls and I would throw saliva out.

That is how close I came to be a freemasons. The other closest thing

Later, I told akina Theuri and Akuku how I almost became a Freemasons though I did not tell him that he would have been my number one target if sacrifices were asked. He would refuse to know what a animist I can get when I have landed on foot.

I remain,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno.
SOMT (Seer of Many Things. )

Looks That Lie

I climbed a matatu No. 11 from Parkland and I satted next to a persons that looked like sun. Infact sun is an understatement.. she looked like a Half Mhindi and half coast. Like the way Pasaris used to look when he was young,  not momo and not malnourished,  a figure you and me can die for.

IN head, I was telling myself.. that, si now, there is  a dudes that ramnyas this thing and maybe he does not even say thank you? He removes like a bicycle. Maybe a dude somewhere can refuse to pick her call because he has other mpangos? And what mpango would one have better than this one.  I was telling myself that if it was me, I would not even allow her to climb mats, its better trouble remains.

In head, I telled myself that if only I knew English of niggas well well, I would have talked to her like satan.

Small, I telled myself to strengthen like a boy of child and talk to her, she might enter box and agree to accompany me where Martin Maura is drinking so that I go lie I have brought him persons and after buuuying expensive dogogio, we lost?

In head, I started to rehearse good English lines, and possible answers she would give, and my replies to her replies in order for me to win her there and then.

Head telled me to say "Hey baby, yo so, sexxy" and head telled me she would reply "theeenx" and I would reply 'seen me before?" She would say "Nooo" and I would reply " Even on facebook?" And she would reply "aii.. noo" and I would reply "Thats where I work." And she would say "you are funny" and I would say""theenk you baby. And yo look like Liyana, nawamsain " and she would say "waoo, really? and I would reply "but you are a little bit sexier, you know." And she would reply "You can say thal again" and would say "do u mind dlinking dogogio of nairobi of up? like at Tribeka? then she would say "What is dogogio? I would reply.. Lets go there u will see what dogogio is" and she would say "I dont do Tribeka, I do, Westi" and I wold say "wherever you want we will go, but lets try Tribeka and if you dont like the place, I will double your money" and she would say "In that case, I have putted my thuruari on my bag! Lets go!"

Before finishing to think the possibles, we reached Roast house area and her phone ringed. She picked and in loud voice, she saided:

"harooo ooi poree sana, sikua na clendit. washa nieke clendit nikupigie nikichuka kwa gali"

Oi!!!, I refused to know how such a sun like persons can shrub like that, badder than me even.


I jumped from the matatu because I did not want to hear another word from her.


As I was walking away, I remembered another persons Theuri used to have.  She was sun like, dark and small lips, meaning even tiita was small. She also had a job, so, she used to throw rounds too.  But the moment she opened her mouth to talk, everyone would refuse to know. Out of topic and shrubing like satan. Theuri used to avoid her unless they were two. If he felt he wanted to pour, he would either go to her house or call her where only them two were.




I remain,


Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr Gyno.