Stag Party Extra Ordinare.. (Copy..)

Stag party is a secret  that is best kept between the people who were there but when Wanjohi attends one, its very difficult for it to be a secret anymore. At one time or another, I will  share with someone or worse still, people that read my blog. But no worries , I  will only share the part where i was involved because when i was allowed in, i was told that i keep my devils out of it.

I shared this same story on wanjohidaily.com earlier on last month, same day my host went under, and due to public demand, I have been forced to re-write it again.  Majority of you did not have a chance to read it, and in as much as it is boring to rewrite something afresh, from the scratch, and sometimes, you are not sure if i had added small salt aint the best thing. However,  I  will try my best, hopefully it will come out like the original one. I have gotten head and next time, i will learn to backup the stories before i click on publish button.

It all started when Sir Chaos told me that they were organizing a stag party for one of his best friends who was due to enter into the bondage of marriage. Some of you are not married and will never know this. The best thing that can happen to you is to get married (or marry). But for some reasons, your freedom goes, literally. Your nyees shake so hard when you get home late  (even if you've been drinking with the boys and no single person of out). Your life becomes 'our' life. You shake nyee when your phone rings because you dont know who could be calling at night. You simply stop being yourself.

For those who dont know what stag party is, it is where a, 'soon to be' groom  is given a good send off, that  includes the last last  'fling' because once you get married, you are only supposed to eat persons of out with eyes.

This was my first ever stag because the others i had been were held in strip clubs.Comparing this wild stag I attended with the others would do it a great injustice. If you've attended one in a strip joint, hang and hear what happens.

One Thursday night, a day before Mashujaa day,  a plan had been put in motion to set the groom up for a big surprise.The party was to be held in an exclusive upmarket area where only people with real steel nyees live.

On that day, we hooked up at  Njugunas. When I arrived, everybody looked to be  in great party mood except the groom.  Looking at him from far, he looked like he wanted to escape, until two guys were stationed to permanently guard him not to run away. Even his car keys had to be confiscated. After few drinks and equal equal meat, we set a journey to the venue.

The house, like i told you is not for people with no steel nyees. When we arrived in the exclusive mansion, we were welcomed by several gorgeous looking person of out. Over 20 hot persons of out that looked more than sun. If i lie, i am of devil. The least of them (read worst or ugliest)  looked like Janet Mbugua ( legs excluded). Tu yellow yellows, skimpily dressed, all in revealing dresses, few you could see thongs, but majority had nothing.

In a very spacious room, a  home bar had been set up in the far right corner. Sir chaos and me were the first to order drinks. Because Sir chaos had told me before that beer costs 150 and i had loose change, i was the first to order beer. After I handed over the 150 cash to the barman, he asked me what i wanted to take. I  told him Tusker. He looked at me in eyes without flinching, then asked me if i had good head. I said most people say i have. He told me that beer is 200 bob, only Rifa rori sell beer at 150.

I wanted to say mbu in protest but sir chaos told me to cool down, he will be topping up the extra 50 I was complaining about. I remembered Ishmael and Mwai and refused to know what they will think of me if they heard rumors that i was about to drink beer @Ksh. 200 and yet i stopped  taking what my uncle that lives behind university of Nairobi used to take (Whitecup- my favorite) because EABL decided it was for rich tummied individuals, i had to settle for less expensive though sugarless Summit lager. What i had failed to know was that before you go to suck places, you first drink beer from cheap places until you are drunk enough. When you go there, you only eat njaro with two or three drinks, feeling no pain.

From where we were seating on a couch, one person that looked like sun, voluptuous, clean shaved, hanging earrings,  black like the way Theuri likes because he says black attracts and maintains heat came and sat near us. She was quite breathtaking, was in high heels, lovely long legs of elephant and all she wore was a  fishnets dress NO PANTIE. After introducing herself, she asked if we were easy, to which we responded in the affirmative. Sometimes when i am sober small, I get a problem when a hot person of out sits next to me. I first fail to get words to tell the person. Again, i first must recite, in heart good English words to say to her, just incase she does not understand Greek or small swahili that i can talk. Before i could finish reciting what to say to her in english, Sir ponyokad with the person.

But all was not lost. There were many more that still looked like sun until one feared to approach some. Small time, a rather small person of out came and sat on my laps. The person was also black and malnourished and talked Swahili of Mombasa, unlike the other one that was talking in English. She had small brookie, those that can finish in your mouth when sucking. Her legs were also well formed and looked more accommodating to me because she was ready to engage me in swa, rather than English.  In my head,  the sane side of me started to talk and refusing to know what problem the persons had because they all looked like sun and there are many men out there that could, at worst, keep them and give them better lives.

I was at east with this one. Atleast she would undertand I am from bara. To keep her by my side, i decided to play clever. The first thing i asked her was if she has ever seen me anywhere. She looked at me and said i looked familiar. I told her to look me good because if she doesnt know me, then she does not even know herself. Having introduced myself properly to her as the main boss of where we all work, the person said to me "sweerie, wewe huvuta sigara?"  I told her i only drink bangi. When she heard i dont smoke, she told me to buy her cigarettes.

If i can remember right, my pastor had long time, told me never to buy anyone anything that can harm the body. He said if i do that, i risk being denied to see God with eyes. I know cigarettes can cause cancer and blurred vision (or future) and since i dont want to be in the bad books, i had to refuse. But since i could not refuse life life, i started to beat around the bush. Besides the health effects, they are very expensive because when I asked her how much it costs there, she said a packet of Drum-something goes for 200 bob, tax included. I told the person that the guy that had just left smokes and has a full packet of the same cigarettes and if she eat njaro small, she will reap patience.

To escape the temptations of buying the person a packet of cigarettes just incase  devil entered me, i removed from that seat and roamed around the place, at the same time, browsing what was going around there.

Within an hour, i had drunked over 5 expensive tuskers and was feeling more excited. Whenever I turned one side to the other, the only thing i could see were hottest Tanya looking persons.

When I returned to the couch, the same person came and sat  on my lap again. A little drunk, I became bolder and was now confident enough to touch her brookie and even to buy a packet of cigarettes. The person had no problem to my touching touching. Instead, she grabbed me by the head and forced my face into her firm brokie and made me suck each nipple, small small. Never mind, the room was dimly lit and no one cared what their neighbors were doing. Quite a mature crowd. From her very very mini skirt, i inserted hand and felt no thuruari, and the tiita was shaved completely. No single hair could be felt. Although she did not allow me to touch tiita completely, my tree was standing like iron thinking of how to enter a warm hole.

When the person saw i had died with her, she asked me to buy her beer. I asked her what i will get after she had drinked my beer. She told me i was all hers, anything i wanted. I asked what happens and she said it will cost me 2k for an experience i will never forget. I had been told before that climbing costs 500, so i started to bargain. I told the person that i could only give her 500. Seeing how serious i was, she told me the last she could take was a k. To make sure that she gives me the best of her, i told her how i once met a person that had tiita that once your tree was inside, you felt the tiita sucking tree from inside. I praised the person that had that hole so much until she told me that what she will give me will be the best i have ever gotten.

After we agreed, she asked me if it was ok to book room. I asked if there will be additional charges for room, to which she told me that rooms are never charged, even a kobo.

I told you before that i vowed never to eat trappers or anyone that asks for money prior to climbing. Giving money should be voluntary. To convince my mind to accept to eat a 'trapper', I told her to wait because i wanted to urinate. On my way to urinating, the devil whispered to me that after all, a whole is a whole, trapper or non trapper.

On my way to the latrine, i met one yellow yellow, very hot, dressed in a shiny red revealing night dress until i could see tiita. I called her and asked how much. She said 2000. Because i had now mastered the language of that place, i offered a k, to which she readily agreed. We entered the room that was next to the latrine that was available and closed it from inside.

The room had a 5x6 bed, well lit, and by any standard, an excellent and spacious room. I was still holding my beer when she started to unbutton my shirt as she kissed my neck. She then came down and started to suck my tits, small small then down my navel.

In all my life, to be very honest, i have eaten many trappers but i have never seen or heard of a trapper undressing a man. Even persons of out that we collect all over never do that. Infact majority of trappers, especially for short timer, only remove trouser and pantie, then lie on bed and ask you to come up and finish fast. In some instances, they will only push thuruaru on side and ask you to insert and pour. This was a kind of its type. Its very very hard to get such a real deal, unless, maybe you are a European.

After she finished unbuttoning the shirt, she unzipped and downed my trouser utpo to knee level, then grabbed my josto, which was sticking out like a flagpole. She sucked josto small, then nyees, but abandoned sucking nyees after a very short time. I did not know why she did that but i guess she felt salt salt on my nyees. I felt bad because, i would rather have them suck my nyees than riang'a.

In my head, i was refusing to know if I should touch her brookie and tiita to make her come on heat like me, but there are tenets to be followed when you are doing climbing for money. Never make them go on heat, you will just be wasting you time. You dont foreplay anyone that asks for money, thats wasting their precious time. Because my tree had standed like nothing, she removed makobosto and rolled them down the riang'a. After, she removed her see through night dress, threw it on the edge of the bed, then knelt on the bed, making me see the tiita from back. From her back, she held my josto and directed it on her tiita f (same stylo my grandpa warned me against) and started to say shhh..aaa shaaa even before the josto was completely in. In my head, i knew this was devil because she wanted me to think that i was making her feel mzuri and therefore, pour faster.

I inserted slowly and pumped small. After few pumps, I removed again and because i am of devil at times, i pretended i didn't know which hole was original or of nyeni. I tried to insert kwa nyeni and when she heard i wanted to insert kwa nyeni, she jumped and lay on her back and told me to come up. I know in her head, she was abusing me dogs and shaitani, but i cared less.

My trouser was still on my knee level and to jump to bed to do normal stylo, i had to remove it all. After i removed and threw it on side, i jumped on the person like hot ugali. I pointed the josto on her hole slowly and started pumping.

Whenever i am under the influence of alcohol (or other some illegal substances), my tree is always under my command. I am the one that tells it when to pour. Because i wanted to get a good deal for my money,  I wanted to try other stylos so atleast it pour naturaly without being told or induced pouring or without command, like when i am sobber. When i attempted to lift her leg to put on my shoulder, the person  told me no stylos, ati she gets tired and gets cramps if she gets climbed like that.

Once once, the devil was whispering to me to eat kwa nyeni, so I was regularly removing the tree from her hole. When the person saw that she will feel it inside kwa nyeni without knowing, she  warned me from removing tree again because she said that if i remove, makobosto will burst. There is nothing that makes me happy and secure like a person that protects herself from such risks. It tells me that she will never allow any man to eat her bila makobosto. Before returning my tree inside her kanonie, she applied saliva to lubricate her tiita. This was an indication that i was now boring her because before, she was wet wet.

I induced pouring by putting the image of the voluptuous clean shaved person that slipped my hands as i was reciting english words to tell her. Within few seconds, my nyees were shaking and eyes almost removed from its  sockets as i poured, seeing marudurudu.

After i dressed up, i paid the person her dues and removed from room, smiling as if i was the only person that had climbed and was going to climb.

I went to the counter and ordered another expensive beer. As i was passing, the swahili speaking person saw me  and came to me again. .She asked me where i went to. Like i owed her an explanation, i had been talking on  phone all through. She asked me if it was ok to book room because she wanted to give me an experience i will never forget. I told her it was perfectly ok, but i wanted to rest small.  To make her tulia small, i ordered one drink for her and proceeded to talk to some friends i had made inside there.

Just after a small time, I saw another person that looked more like sun and was smiling all through. I called her on the side and we started talking. Because she looked more than sun, i first tookher number because i wanted to call her one day where Theuri and crew w'd be so that they salivate. Again, i have been wanting to revenge on Theuri. (Since that time he stole my person, i vowed to come with a trapper, kwanza one that smokes, and let him steal her from me. In the morning, he will faint after he sees her light a cigarette.)The person told me she was a pupil at Catholic university.  I am a rather inquisitive person at times and i like fishing information that cant help me but this time, it was rather helpful because i know know where not to get a person of out.  This person told me that all those persons inside there were university pupils looking for some extra coins to pay fees, atleast 90% of them.

We agreed with the person and for the usual fee, i climbed the person. This was not so dramatic, she did not remove my clothes, i did myself, I did not attempt to eat her with stylos and also, i did not show my bad boys character. I wanted to gain her trust so that one day, she can come and be stealed by Theuri or i ringa with her. After all, no one will know that she at times, goes to stag and gets climbed by people holding a k on their mouths.

After i finished climbing her, the swahili person was still waiting for me. She had touched my josto and could not believe that such a zig zag could leave the place without climbing her. Reluctantly, I told her to book room.  By this time, each room had people waiting in queues to enter. Either, there were some guys that were pretending earlier that they dont climb and suddenly, they developed the urge to climb, all at the same time, or too many guys were going back for second or third time, which was allowed anyway.

After like 30 minutes, she secured a room. In that room, it had no bed and no lights. a huge mattress was placed on the floor.

I told the person that i cant climb  a person i am not seeing. I like seeing what i am climbing, especially if you talk swahili english. The facial expression  matters to me so much and seeing a person saying mbus gives me alot of pleasure. The person rushed out and came with a candle. The experience i got from this person made me regret why i did not take her as my first.

After she placed the candle, I took makobosto and  while I fumbled with it, she removed her dress. I lay on the mattress and told her to come up. She came on top of me and turned her back, then  leaned against me facing away, took my tree in an effort to guide it on her kamonie.  

She then lowered herself down, slowly, swallowing all zig zag. In turn, I pushed back against her as she said fake mbus loudly 'uuuu aaaa sss uuuuuu uuuu'. In.......... out..............in.....out became in.out.in.out.in.out.  After small time,I felt she was too met and some wetness was pouring on me, which i did not like. I told her to lie down as it was my time to come up.

Now on top, I positioned my josto on her tiita which was already wet. Not just wet but soaking wet. Since this person was not refusing me stylos, i took both her legs and placed them on my shoulders. Let me ramnya somebody, let me ramnya. And let the person say mbus, telling me to ramnya harder and harder. After small time, i freed her legs so that she throw them in the air as i ramnyad.

The mbus became louder and louder until other persons that were waiting to enter the room started to knock. They knocked and knocked telling us that we had overstayed.

After small time, i poured, although just a drop, one drop,  because i had poured two more times previously.

I dressed up and removed from room, now feeling angry with myself because it had started to dawn on me how much i had spend on climbing and beer.

After i removed from room, one guy called me aside and asked me how much i was paying. I told him i was paying a K. He told me that i was a fool because he has climbed three and had paid 500 bob. He told me that the best thing is, not to rush. It was only that all pour had finished, i would have loved to climb one for 5sock.

Tomorrow of that day, we met with akina Theuri, Akuku , mpesa and many others at Bee Center. I beat them stories on what happens on the other side of town. They okiad so much until all of them ate trappers that same evening.  Everytime Akuku saw a new person came to the group, he would ask me to repeat what i experienced there. 

They were so determined to go see what happens there until we have organized another party,  in some few days time. We wouldnt mind 10 more guests, so if you want to see with your eyes, you can hit me up to have you included on the list. No persons of out allowed though, even those that climb each other. You must be a josto carrier.  And what happens there remains there. @ wanjohikigogoine@yahoo.com

In the meantime, this person i climbed last (coast swah speaking person) has been calling me daily. I had been taking her calls with alot of suspicion. I dont know what I told her, maybe i told her that the person she was seeing is none other than a person that owns 200 trucks that go upto Congo or it was the josto she liked. But i suspect the earlier because, another day, she called and said "George, (lied to her i am called George), nimepatwa na shida kidogo. Nikopeshee 5k tafadhali". I told her i was in Ras Kamboni but she would never give up. She told me to send her Mpesa and no ammount of stories of giants would make her give up. She calls even at night until i had to throw my Safaricom line.

I Remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Muclimbano From The Least Expected Quarters

I am not a relative of Nguata Francis  but i can bet my all sidekicks that the rain that poured jana in some parts of Nairobi, including Eastern province ( from Shauri Moyo to Uyole) is the biggest fall this year so far.  That rain brought with it the mother and father of all jams and many other miseries along Jogoo and Outer-ring. If were driving along Jogoo Road or Outerring  between 6 PM and 3 AM,  you must have seen news you might not forget or see in many years to come.

I happened to be in that jam for a cool 7 hrs if my mathematics is right and had my share of joy and agony.

You might be wondering what took me to town on a Sunday. All people, including the Chairman refused to know what i had gone to do in town on a Sunday. It was all the works of the devil and the love of tiitas.  Because of a ka event that happens in that confusion,  I think it might make some good story somehow, especially if you are keen on saving. It doesn't work all the time, however.

A pal of mine had hire out his car to another dude that cannot be trusted too much with a big machine. My pal, after being paid car-hire money went to beat trapping in Naivasha and because the machine had to be returned on Sunday, he requested me to pick the car for him.  After I picked the car, i saw its tank was past quarter mark. I am used to driving cars that shows empty tank all the time. If it does not show empty, then you must know that i am on my way to the village or coffee has rippen over and above normal circumstances. Like many of us, I only drink enough petrol to take me where i am going, and anyway, along where i pass, there are so many petrol stations just incase it gets hiccups.

To remove the bad feeling of having a car with  past quarter  tank quantity, i decided to find a way to drink that petrol until lamp showed. I remembered some person of out that lives in Ngong who one time  wanted to put her thuruari on head for me but opted to throw her to one of my friends. She has been asking why i beat myself so much and i don't look anything.

It is the quarter filled tank that gave me the idea to call her for a visit. I called her and told her i had a 750 mzinga of Gilbeys that i wanted to drink with her. With excitement, she told me to zoom as fast as  I could.

There is nothing that fills me up like buying drinks and drinking in a person of out's house. It saves cost by 70%, for those who dont know. One, you buy the stuff from liquor store at wholesale price and two, no tu funny stuff like Taquilla shots and such. If it is nyama, you buy from a local butcher and let her cook in her house, at her cost (oops..with the  escalating gas prices, i feel for them). When the heats become too much, no paying room. Infact you start the frst joti, for those strong enough to go more than three on her couch.

I went to a  place behind Odeon where they sell hard stuff on wholesale (incuding bangi, if you drink). I bought two 750ml  for 9 socks (kwa club ni 2500)  each and one Kingfisher then  voooom.. thats me, until Rongai.

I picked one 750 from the car and walked towards her house. But before going to her house, i passed by a chemist and bought makobosto because i was sure that thuruari will be put on head before draining the 750. When i entered in her house, I met 5 of her friends (including two males, just imagine). In my head, it telled me that they had been called to remove a certain gathee that doesn't remove money easily and keep on postponing Friday and sato dates like a fool.

After lunch was served to me (damn. I hate chapos),  she went and bought coke madiaba to ready the ramnyaring of  the 750 that was initially  meant for the two of us. We drained the ki 750 within twenty minutes. Since i was not feeling anything, despite having taken like 4 Tuskers earlier on with the chairman, I decided to bring the equal equal thing there (I can be sirry at times eh? thats what you are thinking?).

I would have bought even four 750s of them but one guy was drinking as if its water and was talking too much. I dont like people that talk tooo much. Without battling an eye, I said in loud voice

" Eh, to kau ga 750 ni gathira i, turutei mundu meri meri, tugire cufa ingi igiri.Icio ingi ninguongerera" (E, because that one has finished, let us remove each 200 bob and bring another two bottles. I will add the rest). One person of out, i guess, in her entire life had never heard of a man with two real nyees asking ladies to contribute money for beer. But because i remain true to myself, all these persons were working and earning, so, no need to hard hit only one person.   I removed 500 bob and said i have paid for the host. I asked the person to take money from the others and give me, i add the rest. The guy that was not talking too much removed a K and gave to the host. I dont know how the rest was raised but within no time, two more 750 was on the table. I wanted the money handed over to me to go source so that I can also bring the extra 750 I had in the car and say i have bought together.

We drank and beat stories until 7 something. The guy that was drinking as if Gin is water was now refusing to know himself. When he realized he might break in someone's house, he removed from the room and went away.

I was getting impatient and angry at the same time because the other four were not giving themselves shuguli. I expected them to leave after all drinks finished because I was supposed to be the man of that house on that day :).  I must say that they did not have head at all because they did not seem to be in a hurry to leave. It was until 8ish that they left but only after they heard that i was on my way too.

When they left, the person came and sat on my lap. I removed the left brookie small without fear or favor and started to suck. I then papasad small and when i tried to insert hand to feel tiita, the person stopped me. I stopped sucking the brookie and asked kwani what was up.  She laughed small and told me "Wooi, Wanjohi nduri na bahati umuthi, ndina mashiru" (Wanjohi, you have no luck today, I have Mashiru"  I had never heard that word again but since a clever person has no given of news, i filled myself that mashiru = month. My tree, which had started to throb small small suddenly died. I tried to manufacture lies in my head of what to say because i wanted to be out of that house as soon as I could.

When this person saw the disappointment expression  on my face, she knelt down in front of me, unzipped my trouser, removed the zig zag and to make short story shorter, she sucked my riang'a until it poured. But one thing i must say is that she did not let any poured lost away.  When i saw how she was swallowing, i kept on saying a silent prayer that she does not make a move of kissing me. In this instance, i swear i would have refused life life. I was told before by Theuri that if a person of out swallows your poured, she  will love you /loves you like nothing. I dont know about that but with pouring or not, I dont consider pouring as climbing. Cant be. To convince my head that it has climbed, my rianga must enter somewhere warm with the owner of the warm thing saying mbus small small (and must be a tiita holder).

After I poured, she still continued to suck small small. There is nothing that makes me feel thithi and bad like somebody playing with my zig zag when i have poured. I dont like it at all. To stop her from torturing me further, i came up with 1000 excuses on why i should leave there there. Like a person of out with good head and who want to maintain someone, she did not oppose even one second. The only people that oppose men from leaving are those that don't want you to come again and again. (Thats why you find many persons failing to keep a guy)

Along the way, i felt that it will do me more good if i pass by Koinash to see trappers, just to satisfy heart. From top of Koinange until bottom, I only saw two trappers, who by the way did not have their 'official uniform'. That means that they looked like any other ordinary person in the streets, so i felt nothing.

After Koinange, I had realised that my shina phone had finished credit. I drove upto Ambassador because all other places were closed. By that time, it was drizzling small small. From the stage, there is this person of out that was standing where Double M carry from. After she saw me, she smile at me without ending. She looked like sun, yellow yellow, although she is the malnourished type. I hardly smile back at persons I dont know without knowing why they are smiling at me,  so I passed near her, said hi and passed to enter a small shop infont of a cafe to buy card. As i continued to wonder who that person was,  small time, i remembered the person. She works in an exhibition in town. The person also happened to come from Cambodia side of this country, but did not have single accent of Cambodians.(Syoks should meet this person. You will thank me!)

After i bought my card, i returned there to greet her again so that she does not think that t i was  doing myself. She had indeed thoughted that i was doing myself becaue she told me "Biggie, ningeshangaa kwani mko na nani juu ulipita tu bila story mob, na vile wewe huongea kwanza shit"

The person has been removed suckers enough  times, but not by people i know, but i can bet on that. After talking only small, she told me she was on her way home in Buru and had standed at that stage for more than 2 hrs and no bus had come. She told me the only one she saw was charging 200 bob and no other had come. I told her i was on my way to Eastlands and offered her a lift.

Some two gentlemen that were standing next to her woke their ears and looked at me with thaa so that I lift them too. One guy developed steel nyees and told me to give them lift if i was going to Jogoo road. Because sometimes it is not good to carry men, you may never know, they might open your boot, i told them that the car was full. I told them that even that person will sit on somebody.

The person followed me to the car and immediately, we beat it fire towards Jogoo road. From the look of things as we left town, i could see there was a mat crisis. There were many passengers waiting for mats, especially Eastern province route and at one time, i felt bad for not lifting the two guys. But to console myself, i said that it is better to leave them than to have my nyee cut or boot opened.

As we were moving, I checked on the fuel gauge and  realized that it had dropped small, almost to the last bar and once once removing lamp.  With the experience i have, that means that you are on reserve and could drive from Nairobi to Thika without adding fuel. Because I wanted the person to know that I was driving a turbo engine, I was pressing on the accelerator peddle so hard to remove the desired effects, at the same time, unknowingly, drinking too much fuel.

When we reached near Ruto's appartments, that is where we saw jam start. I deviated to a chochoro inside makadara so that we could remove at phase 5. Inside the estate, jam was moving, although small small. We moved at snail, though i was following a mat that was overlapping until we reached near phase 5 where cars had closed each other on all lanes and no car was moving.

All these time, we had not talked anything sensible, only about job small, how business in exhibitions has become undoable because of high rent and low margins, and had asked her about some few persons of out i knew but did  not know where they went,  and  cursing motorists that were overlapping and closing all sides.

We had reached a dead end by now. All cars had been switched their engine and lights off. It was still raining small small. It is then that i remembered i still had a whole 750 on the back seat. I asked the person if she will take small. She said yes. I poured some on some empty water bottles  for her and for me. We mixed the contortion with Kingfisher and water. I was already high myself, so i was only taking small. Again, i dont like hard stuff. I'm so royal to my summit. Ideas had started to crop in my mind now and to  make her head get confucious small, i told her that  Gin does not like to be drinked slowly, otherwise, tomorrow it will punish you heavily by giving you a mighty  hangover.

After one hour, we had not moved an inch and there appeared no hope of moving. But on the other side, my person had opened up to me small small. One thing led to another, although i cant remember how i started, i found myself sucking her very tiny brookie.

All this time, The Chairman and a man called Kiama were not giving me peace. The chairman owed me two beers and kiama wanted to show me his person.  But what they did not know was that i was in the middle of a person of out of Cambondian origin that looked like sun and knows how to spin (they are good in that, yea) and traffic jam. Kiama, if you remember is this guy that will never give me peace  if i call a person of out near me at HB umo. He comes to my ear and says "uthekereirwo muno guku tondu riu winario ni ikoro. Kire gikueherere" (You have been laughed at so much because what you have is peeled. Tell her to get off your back)

 As i was caressing one brookie and sucking the other, I felt  my belt being unclasped and then, my zip being opened. Then, slowly, inserted her hands and grabbed the zig zag which was standing like nothing. 

 As she touched touched my zig zag, I moved my hand from her brookie, down her tummy as i prayed not to get month, then down under her thuruari. There’s nothing more thrilling than your hand being inches away from tiita that you are not sure you will eat. Inserting further down, I felt she had not shaved all, or it was now growing, some hard hair. i continued to insert hand and when i was some few inches away from her kamonie I felt she was wet already. 

I removed hand and made the seat to lie down, then moved her zip down. All this, i was not sure if she will refuse or not. But i was determined to make her to get on heat until she begged me to climb her. I moved her trouser down and with no struggle, she lifted herself up so that it can remove completely. When she saw i was struggling, she removed it together with a white hot pant herself and threw it on dashboard. I removed it from dashboard and threw it on the backseat. 

With my three fingers,  I made circles around her tiita  and worked on the inside of kamonie until she was extremely extremely wet and warm and saying small mbus. As I was doing this, we  kissed while she stroked my tree as she increased the small mbus and moaning. 

I removed from her mouth and went back to her tiny brookie. As i worked on it , suddenly, she pushed me away. I thought she was going to stop me from any further action. Instead she went down and started to suck my zig. I did not want for her to suck for long because some few hours back, it had been sucked in Ngong until it poured. Again, i feel nothing when my tree is getting sucked. I feel nothing.

After just a while, she got up and kissed me then asked in almost low tone, “ Babie, you want to do me?”. Very fast, i replied, "Yeah babie".

"You have a cd?" I first lied to her that I didn't. She did not however appear amused.

I pushed her on her seat, removed my trouser completly, then jumped infront of her, pretending that i was serious abut the cd issue. I was worried because she appeared like she could let me in without because one leg was placed on the dashboard and the other almost on my shoulder. I was disturbed small but was able to fight it though.

I took my trouser and removed makobosto. She refused to know how i carry makobostos on my pocket, based on the expression that was registered on her face. Or maybe she wanted a meat to meat? be the judge.

If i lie, i will go to devil. To be very honest, if I did not have makobosto with me, i would have still  ranmyad bila. That kitu was quite something to be let off just like that (pun intended anyway).

After positioning the riang'a on her hole, it slid straight in there as she moaned. I ramnyad and ramnyad withut fearing anything. It was raining outside and all cars had switched their engine and lights off. It wasn’t long before she started moaning in big voice and her contractions and convulsions becoming more intense, an indication that she had poured. I continued to ramnya because I dont pour fast when under the influence of Gin. I ramnyad that thing until she poured for the second time (thats a record i put there).

I guess all this took like an hour or so and still, not a single car had attempted to move or switch the engine on. I told her that we will not put clothes on because i will ramnya another one. (I have bored you with lots of details, right? full story on muclimbano part  will be a story on itself when wanjohidaily.com returns).

We relaxed as we continued to swallow gin and once once fbooking. When she saw me fbooking, she asked to invite me. If you have good head, you cant tell a person of out that you are wanjohi. Wanjohi plays under the water, you know. So, i gave out my pals's fb account. I was eager to know if i had just climbed wanjohidaily fan, so i asked for f names too to search. Phew, only 6 mutual friends and not a friend of Wanjohi.

After two hours sittin on the jam again, the jam started to open, although small. When a small space was created, i started the car to move to the space but ole wangu. It  was only starting and cooling immediately. There there, i knew that petrol had finished. There there, i knew i had been climbed.Because i wanted this person to know that the machine was a Twincam Turbo engine, I was pressing the peddle so hard  until it drank fuel like it is in 2004 when super was 65 bob.

I told the person that petrol had finished and had to go buy. I put back my clothes on and I went to the boot and like many motorists, it had a jerrycan for emergency (not necessarily petrol. Even water :) ). I picked and walked towards Total petrol station, some few meters away. It was also raining small. Walking on that road, water was reaching upto knee level. As i was walking on those water, my nyees were shaking because i did not know if there was any open sewer. On my way, I counted three cars with their bonnets opened, meaning, they had broken down, drank water or felt cold. To remove cold when its cold is not a joke.  When i reached at the petrol station, there were 7 guys lining up with jerrycan to buy fuel. The guy at the fuel station told us that he has sold more fuel by jerrycan than he had filled cars since morning.

I went back to the car,dripping water and shaking like a rained shiken, i refueled it. I had to make an artificial funnel by folding a  note. When i finished, i returned to the car, smelling petrol all over and dripping with water.

Continued tomorrow...

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine.

How She Made Me Remove Like A Burier of His Grandma

There is something i like too much about Theuri. He is not a respecter of persons of out. Whenever a person of out brings nyoko nyoko or beats themselves, me i try to soothe them, but for theuri, is different. He tells me "Munene, andu aya mari haha ni undu wa mbeca citu. Gutiri undu maTukuaga, no mbeca mendete. Mwire athie akamie"  (Leader, this persons are here because of your money. They dont carry you anything. Tell them to go to latrine and mia)
Despite being his student many on how to deal with persons of out, I sometimes forget and ends up loosing too badly.  I lost badly some few days ago for not listening to Theuri's counsel. It it was you, tell me what you would have done.

I had gone for some errands in Eldoret when all this happened. Because the task was to take me like two days, the first thing i did was to look for a cheap hotel or something more friendly to my pocket. The first place i landed, after getting advise from a pal was a place called New Castle Motel. When i inquired about the fee, i was told that they were charging 2500 a night for single. I refused to know because Jeremani is in Nairobi and they can never ask for even half of that for a double.

I checked into a hotel opposite the castle which was charging a K (Cant remember the name of that hotel, if you know Eldi, it is opposite the Castle). Since i had gone there to work and not to enjoy, i said bad is bad. Again, sleep has no grade. Whether you sleep at Hilton or kwa Njenga or sleep standing, it is still sleep. The bottom line is to wake up.

After I finished work at around 8ish,  i tried to inquire from the guys in that office about the clubs that says in Eldi. Either they were saved, or comes to that town with their eyes closed or only knows clubs of Rifa rodi of Eldi because the clubs they were directing me to had beaten like nothing. Since i was no interested in their company that night, given that they  looked like scratchers of skins (pun intended), given that  the month was at the corner and i did not want to be with some guys we coudn't do equal equal, I opted to browse the town alone.

Like a traveler i am, i know where to get the latest information on such stuff. I called one taxi man and asked him to tell me the club that says in Eldi. The reason i was looking for a club that says is because i knew that was most likely the club where pupils of Moi University goes to party. I was looking into climbing one of the pupils but not to destroy money, so dont worry my visiting an expensive pub.

The taxi man directed to one Legend club. On a weekday, the club was full small, partly because some teachers of University had refused job because they want a hike. These actions made many pupils free to do anything anytime they wanted because no class.

Like a gentleman, I sat and ordered my drink as i surveyed to see who looked like had thuruari on head. I spotted one that looked like sun that was seated with two more that didn't look anything. To be very honest, if Nairobi we had half as seductive persons, people that sew trousers would have to come up with a way because all men trees will remain standing all day long.

The first  tenet to attract attention of any person of out that looks like that in a bar is to threaten them with beer, and many beers. You call waiter and send beer to the one you are interested in.  It may backfire at times, yes,  and you loose the money and your precious time but this game is all about gambling anyway.

I told the waiter to tell take one Tusker herbal to her and tell her it has come from  Dr. Wanjohi, a senior gynecologist in Nairobi and a relative of you dont have to be told over and over. In Eldi, i had heard that you cant threaten a person with money, they are used to being threatened by the vast wealth of the many athletes but if you want them to put it on head, you must have such title like mine, they are very rare.

When i saw she smiled when beer was placed on her table and told who i was, i told the waiter to ask her to join me for more drinks as we talked more and knewed each other more. It was like she was waiting for that. She rose up with her drinks and joined my table.

I first refused to know if i was dreaming because she was real sun. And she had dressed on those stockings you see tiita clearly. My first reaction when i see tiita that I am not ramnyaring there there is to beat heart even on my ears.  After it became apparent that i was not dreaming, I introduced myself again and told her giant story of how i had come to see some friends of my uncle called Ruto, although he bounced and left me at lights because he was phoned by son of Jommo to meet in Nairobi urgently because there was some money that had been stolen, meaning some quick political mirage.

After the stories of giant finished, I called the waiter and told him to sell to us, and to bring double double for her although ceteris paribus,  I only buy one. I tell myself that if the manufacturers had the intention of the drink coming double double, they would have deviced bigger bottles for that purpose instead of incurring costs of two bottles for one person per round. She said i buy for her friends too. I did not return, only pretended i did not hear.

Before the waiter left, she called him and told him that she cant take any Tusker Herbal again, can only take Wine. On the mention of wine, i felt nyee freeze because i knew by the time you finish feeding her enough wine, it will be tomorrow.  Again, at that quantity, it is illegal to buy so little for so much. I felt like crying or saying mbus because my chance of getting josto inside this sun was being blown away. In her head, i could read what she was saying "ngoma ino ndihana kuruta mbeca, reke nyue wine igue ruo rwa mbeca" (This devil does not look like he can remove good money. Let me drink wine so that he feel pain of money).

To remove the bad feeling, i went to the latrine to call Theuri to tell him how bad luck had befallen me. Theuri laughed small, then told me "Wina bahati muno. Reke anyue ta ithano. Ya gatandatu, agukorwo agikuria murathie rumu thaa cigana. Akumirutira kirafu. Yaga kuma unjite Ng'ang'a" (You are lucky. Let her drink wine. By the time she will be on her 6th, she will be asking where rooms are. She will remove in the club. If that fail, call me Ng'ang'a".

To show her i know alot, i started discussing how Al shabaab had been climbed kwa Nyeni by our mighty army. I told her how, when i was there, how this Linda Nishi was planned long time and we have been itching to climb them for a long time. Stories of giants became too much, even at one time dropping the title Dr. to a security consultant. Although i know sometimes i was confusing myself  big time but all in all, we were all drunk and nobody remembers what you were saying in a bar, unless you are a fool or you were sober when others were talking.

When we refused to know ourselves, i told her we go to my room for muclimbano. Because i had told her that i was circumcised Kikuyu fashion, where a dongle is left hanging to scratch well, i refused to know where i will tell her it has gone.

We took a Taxi to the hotel and when i pointed to her the room we were entering,  even before disembarking from the taxi, she said she cant go there. She said i would rather find a better hotel because the standard of that was too low. I refused to know but later, i was told that that hotel is equivalent to Sabina Joy aka Karumaindo (apparently, Karumaindo is now a members club. So, if you are at ambassador and want to urinate or have one during the day, dont fear to enter, it has now an elevated status. You can call Mutuho and all police and tell them you are drinking beer at 11AM, they cant do anything). In that Sabina joy  of Eldi, all trappers go there and even get climbed in the corridors, just like Sabina joy of Nairobi.

I told her to show me a better one because i had lied to her that the Castle Motel  was fully booked and thats why i booked there one she refused to enter. The taxi man said to the next hotel, we will pay a total of  700 bob. I was made to understand that we were headed to a hotel called Klique hotel.Before asking for price, the place looked more classy than Castle Motel by far, making me believe that they will ask for 4k+ but when the attendant told me for single I pay 2000 bob, i felt re-leaved. Had i paid for Royal when i first entered, i wouldn't have lost the K because i had paid at Sabina joy of Eldoret.

When we reached room, she asked if i had bought makobosto. I told her not yet, so i rushed down to buy and came back, expecting to find the person with no thuruari at all. That thought alone made my tree stand like nothing, almost tearing my trouser. I was teling myself that i have even found some image to be using when i want to pour fast.

But what i found when i entered almost made me refuse to know. She appeared like she was about to vomit. After small time, she vomited and vomited and when she finished, she told me that she had terrible headache and wanted to know which med she should take. Being a doctor, I told her she needed some Panalifed Sceptoriosis for faster healing. I however told her that even panadol extra can as well do. She told me to take her to a chemist downstairs to buy the prescription. Being past mid night, we found the chemist already closed. She told me there was another shop open a few distance away.

We started walking down ad the ka route we took, abit dark made me feel like i was being taken to a place  where they buy nyees when still hot.

 When we reached, not far from the road anyway, she told me to wait small so that she knocks at that shop. She told me that because she is known, the owner cant refuse to open. After small time, somebody opened the gate. She stepped inside, then told me "Wanjohi, have a good night" and closed the door behind her.

I refused to know what kind of game was that. Shaking nyee for fear of the area and shaking nyees even more for being played like that, i returned to my room, thinking of crying loudly.  As i was seated on the bed thinking of where to get a person because nyees were now paining, it is then that i knew what had happened.

The person had intention of getting climbed but when she heard where i had first booked room, either my CV dropped drastically from being a relative of the main man here to a bonoko relative or a very suspicious character (Onyancha maybe) or she touched josto and refused to know if that is the josto that will climb her. With the zig zag nature that it has, many persons are bound to fear, unless they are used to jostos like that. The breed is however rate, you know.

The other version, either  she was looking to punish me for not buying her friends beer. To punish me more, she makes me pay room and makes me buy makobosto, then initiates vomiting (voluntarily by inserting fingers on the throat) so that she vomit ( you can try it too and post the result here) to get an excuse of leaving room. Again, either she was a trapper of medicine and when she saw i am untrappable , she said no need to waste her time. But i salute that person, no person has ever made me escort her in a crime prone area, and wait until her gate  is opened. No one has ever done that to me. I swear!

Had it not for the next story, because some things happened same night, i would have destroyed names of  all persons of out from Eldi and all Moi university pupils. Both Okuyos and Kales.

Continuation of this, where muclimbano happened follows ....

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine