Lifting Majonie Up Up Part 1

Two weeks ago, I promised to beat you a story of how I lifted a "Johnie" up up" at Sportsman's Arm in Nanyuki. Well,I didnt beat you the story because of some reasons related to Alshabaab. But today I will.

Majonie, for those who dont know, are those Europeans KDF guys that come to Nanyuki to do combat training. The Johnies once they come do themselves so much and take over Nanyuki, especially Sportsmans Arm hotel as it is their an extension of the UK embassy. If you cross their lines, they beat you like a baby. If they love your persons, they will beat you up in front of your persons and you can do nothing. They are so stupid, they cant know that we were there even when there was Bucaneer club where we used to dance when Keith Sweat was saying.

Now, lifting Johnie up up was a result of issues related to persons. Its a long story but I can try and shorten it small or start from the beginning so that you can know where I was coming by lifting a very dangerous Johnie up up.

There was this persons who, since 2010, had evaded putting it on head for me. She would drink my dogogio and before she could get eaten well, she would lost. It became a routine until I started to evade her, but once in a while, she would show up, I would try to borrow again, but she wold not put it on head for the leader again until I gave up completely on ever climbing her.

And its not that she was the kind that reserve it for future husbands or ants. No. She was a regular putter of it on head for other men except me. She did not refuse other men but me, I was seeing it either with heart or on clothes. And its not that she had heard with rumour that I was a trapper of man. No. She had been climbed by worse trappers than me.

One day we were beating dogogio with her and I asked her what I lack that she vowed never to put it on head for me. She telled me that if I wanted her to put it on head, I should buy her a fridge. I threw saliva out and refused to know if it has stairs or if it will stick in my josto so that anytime it standed, it would start climbing behind the scenes, even when swinging bells in River road.

I was refusing to know what premium value it had in excess of what Maura and I get when we go to massage parlors where we pay an average of 1500 (PS: BREAKING NEWS: That Buru Massage we go has upped the price since VAT came. It is now 2000!!! I had gone there with 2000 only in my pocket, the one doing me massage telled me "u know the price? I saided 1500. She saided 1500 with no massage, with massage, its 2000. I telled her I am a customer. She telled me Rent and cost of living has upped. So, I refused to know, if its just pouring, I would rather go to Luthuli and it is 300 bob, or wiat until night and go to Egessa, though with a risk of being stolen. So I saided, sawa, do both and walked home. But that persons who did me massage on that day was of Illuminati. confirmed true!! On both her laps, she was drawn two satans with horns facing front. So, when she putted legs at 140 degrees, I was trapped between two satans. Please, I did not like it oh)

I however promised her that I will buy her a second hand fridge from shylocks of her Kasarani Estate. There are many shylocks in every estate where people go to hang things when their pockets have dried or when they have drinked all money before end month.

But in head, I was telling her that she saw me at night, the only thing she will ever eat from me is by stomach and mouth. And anyway, if I had that extra money, I would throw it to Kamuti the co owner of Kigogoine Fashions so that he can add stock of clothes from Germany and Turkey.

About a week later, I was beating dogogio with Theuri at Gloria hotel when she called and telled me she has seen a good fridge at her hood's shylock that was costing 25k. She asked how I see. I telled her no problem, if she like, good. She telled me when to buy and telled her to wait small.

When I cutted phone I telled Theuri "Gashaitani ke hau kanguaga ta keino. Ati ndikagurire friji na nikaregire kuruta thuruari. Ta njira uria ngukaruma?" (Another satan there carry me like tiita? She wants me to buy her a fridge and she refused to put it on head. Ebu tell me what to abuse her?)

Theuri laughed small, then beated lips and saided "Iko uguo munene i, twi dugu, nima? (Do, this leader, we are friends, true?)

I saided like satan. He then telled me in ear "Iko uguo i, tuongithie mibera, nie na maraya yakwa kinya kiroko, na nie ngukuonia undu uguika, ukuria pipo iyo free, guarantee" (Do, this, buy me and my trapper dogogios until morning, and in turn, I will show you a guaranteed way you will eat that persons for free"

I trust Theuri when it comes to issues related to persons persons. We dont joke on such a serious issue.

He then telled me, "Why dont you go with that persons to Luthuli or supermarket and buy a fridge, but dont pick same day. Cite transport or any other logistics. Tomorrow of that day, go pick the fridge (without her) and sell it on Soko Kuu or sell to Shylocks at a very great loss? Si your problem is the aftermath feeling of pain when you imagin a persons is cooling beers of other men in her house in a fridge you boughted?

I thoughted of Soko nyeusi where I see people selling all manner of stuff and head telled me if I advertised, I would get a buyer fast because someone know reads my stories might die of mercy and buy it because it is me selling They might think thats the best way to repay me for writing stories of giants for free. There there, I knelt down to thank God for creating such an intelligent man like Theuri. Before I finished kneeling, he telled me

"Amba utige muhahi. Tiga kuhika muhahi ta ruharo. Muraya wa tata Susana arutaga wira ku?" (Stop excitements. Stop hurrying excitement like diarrhea. Tell me, where does Muraya of Aunt Susana?"

I saided XXX supermarket.

He continued "Do you know you can draw with him, you buy a fridge from there but dont pick same day. Tomorrow, say you have changed mind, citing bad reviews on the internet and ask for change of item or refund. He can easily organize to liaise with accounts so that a credit note is raised and in 3 days, you will have all your money back, 100%. You will only give him small money, like 5k"

I felt round round due to happiness. I telled Theuri because of him thinking like 5 men, I will put full tank AKUKU's Noah that can carry upto 10 people, to take us to and back Nanyuki tomorrow of that to get 180 putted outside Nairobi.

We called MPESA to come with us and Akuku got very happy because he had a persons who also had refused to put it on head for him and Nanyuki was the most ideal for her to put on head. MPESA saided he cant carry a persons from Nairobi while Nanyuki had all varieties that any man would die to climb.

There there, I called the persons and telled her if I should send her 25k to buy second hand, or if we can go buy a new one from a supermarket. However, it was just measuring her devils because even if she saided I send, she want second hand, I would not have sended.

She saided we go to supermarket. I telled her we meet at XXX as early as 11 AM. I then telled her if she would mind we go to Nanyuki after we boughted to eat happiness there. She siaded she loves Nanyuki to death.

The following day, armed with 21k in cash and 51k in mpesa, all with no use, I called her and already, she was at the rendezvous.

We inserted inside the branch of the XXX supermarket until 3rd floor where things of kitchen and fridges and cookers are kept. Earlier, I had called Muraya of Aunt Suzana and telled him my plot. He advised me to choose a fridge which we will later say we change to another brand so that it will not be possible to carry same day if she insisted on taking it home first.

She looked at all the fridges and choose one LG going for 35k. When she saw I had no worry, not asking her to choose a cheap cheap one, she asked if she can take a Micro wave. I almost telled her it causes cancer, then remembered that I was only buying her with heart, or shadowry, or in a movie, not in real life. I telled her to pick her choice. She picked one going for 8k.

I telled her if she had shopped all she wanted and saided yes. She then asked me "Sweerie, ama nichange nichukue ire (pointing at a slightly large going for 41k).

I telled her that all day was hers and I will go any mile she wants me to. We telled the attendant to change to that and he wrote the details of it on a paper and handed it to us to go pay.

In total now, I was supposed to pay 49k. I went to the counter, still in the same floor and handed the paper written some numbers. With loud voice, I saided "Do you have PDQ?" so as to appear sophisticated. He telled me yes. I then remembered the money was not in my nationhela that hardly works but on mpesa. I telled him if they have lipa na mpesa. He telled me yes. He then asked if I have the royalty card. I saided no.

He keyed in the figures, then gave me the mpesa lipa na mpesa paybill and amount to pay. When the receipt was generated, my face instantly turned wet because of the kisses I received from the persons. She telled me how she has loved me all along and how I am the greatest man after the one who invented money.

In head, I telled her that she saw me at night and what will get her on monday, she will refuse to know if I was born or curved. She will refuse to differentiate between satan and myself.

As we were about to "leave", my cuzo who is a supervisor came and asked me what we were doing there. I telled him we were there to buy a fridge. I showed him what we bought and he saided "aaaaaaaaa, why did you buy this? You should have taken this Samsung model. Its a more superior in quality, durability, service, fire consumption and its guarantee is more. And to make the matter worse, the price range is the same"

I putted my hands in my head in "regret" as if I was about to say chinekeee.

He consoled me and telled me that I can however change if I want. I saided I want. I asked the persons if she wants and she saided yes.

He then telled us that he has to raise a credit note, and then we will change to the brand we wanted. We saided he is the one that knows. He then warned us that we can only come for it on Monday because its a process to raise credit not and stuff. I telled him not to change, we will carry LG because we dont want to wait. The persons interrupted me and saided she will wait because after all, we were going to Nanyuki later that
afternoon. My heart smiled because it would have been another long story if she had agreed with me.

We filled some forms and left.

When we were leaving, she was looking at me as if I had turned from 'Fat Onjohi' to Brat Pratt. Its like I had become those Europeans that they hunt on the dating site on the internet.. In her head, she was refusing to know why she did not also say she wanted a 52" LED Samsung. She was refusing to know where this good man had been all those years. She regretted not having met me 10 years ago.

We then left and went to meet Theuri, Akuku and MPESA to arrange how to remove to Nanyuki.

At exactly 2 PM we removed from Nairobi until Nanyuki. On our way, I could tell, she was asking when night will come so that she can put it at 180 or further apart to the greatest man on planet earth.

To be continued once mpesa messages starts streaming in.

I am,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno & Chairman, DOGECAB (Dont Get Carried Babish)