Where Do You Live?

• Although all these Suzzy Tujuane 'rants' is fast becoming tired, there is a story it reminded me small. Not funny but true.
  

  
  Majority of people that live in South C dont like people of Eastlands. Eastlands has been destroyed name for by persons from Far east. Far east is polite word for Uyore for those who comes from Ngarua and Kinoo. The persons of far east are famous for putting rice in peoples drink and also houses Mungiki. Therefore, I understand when people refuse to know.
  
  Same thing with us here. If you tell me you live in I dont know porshy estate, I first think of the next "unfavorable" estate near where mentioned. Like if a persons tells you she lives in Umo 2, fill for yourself she lives in far east. If a persons tells you she lives in Pangani, fill for yourself that it is Mathare. If it says it is Ngong rd, that is Kawangare. It is says Thika road, it is either Githurai near thiefs or Mathare north. I will tell you why.
  
  Not long ago, as I was swinging nyees in town, I entered an exhibition that sells clothes. I entered and scanned through and in one shop, I saw a persons that looked like sun from out, just like that Tujuane shick. Infact sunner coz she was taller and was smiling to me.
  
  She was the kind that you say, if you climb her, you will stay for one week without washing that josto so as not to wash that feeling away. In head, I knew it was an uphill task to get her come to Magomano because she looked soo sun and demand looked like it was very very high. She is the kind you call at 8 and she tells you.. 'imagin niko home, mpangoless". You refuse to know how that can happen, of all the persons. She is supposed to be with rich of the surrounding, destroying money with them, not mpangoless.
  
  To emerge on top, I to do what a clever wama rabbit would do - show them the money. Show them that you work at Delarue.
  
  Fast forward, small she agreed to come and help the leader to destroy few thousands.
  
  When she came, she ordered Black ice. If a persons asks for Black Ice, I knewed it was on head. Persons put thuruari on head faster if they take black ice, so it was a guarantee I was going to eat a sun like persons.(And by the way, KBL should go to satan. That Snapp shit has complicated our game. It does not eat them faster and well well like Black Ice and all persons have now turned to that shit)
  
  As we talked about "her" business, she asked me where I live. Since I had telled her that I work for the man drawn in 40 bob coin (You dont say directly Delarue, many persons dont know, so you must include the owner of the business) she looked at me like she refused to know. She saided that most Eastlands people are so ghetoish. Eastlands people dont know what fries is, 50% think it is meat of fry, and the other 50% think it is those things that lives near latrines, easlands people dont know how to dress and dont speak good english, and dont know Opennings.
  
  I took that as a compliment and telled her that nevertheless, she should never blacken a tractor because of dust. People that own Nairobi comes from Muranga, then Eastlands. When I asked her where she lived, she telled me she lived in Ngumo estate. There there, I knew that I was dealing with a baby of rich and cannot be climbed in Ngara or other funny places like Nawas, rest, thuruari will refuse to be removed.
  
  After she refused to know herself, we wented to a place called OAKWOOD Guest house, only Rich allowed.
  
  For those who dont know nairobi well, it is opposite The Stanley. Room go for 6k plus for ONE DAY ONLY!!. And you dont go with the bed in the morning. That is for sleep ing and you leave like that.
  
  As I was climbing her, I was telling myself that I was climbing a baby of a rich person and that made me feel good 5 times over.
  
  After on joti, like a person who had been bewitched, tree refused to wake up again. I tried and tried and when I saw it could not wake up even with medicine, I telled the persons I drop her home
  
  She was not liking the idea but she washed herself and removed from room.
  
  When we reached Ngumo, she directed me to a gate near where matatus reach end. She then entered gate and I lefted.
  
  I dropped her many other times because she did not feel like not having to be climbed by a guy that works for the guy in the 40bob not. One day, I saw a persons in the same exhibition. She had heard with rumor that I work for Delarue and I remove money so easily like satan, so she wanted to have a share.
  
  Small, she putted it on head. Though she wasnt so sun, was momo medium and very very hot tiita. Not the tiita you want to leave like that. And she was not expensive. Word went round and reached this sun persons. She was planted and was warned to keep off. She was telled that the way she puts it on head for every dick and tom,she should keep off coz I dont eat of to die.
  
  Later I met the mini momo, the putter of head to every one, she telled me
  
  "Unajua ni kwanini ule dame hatakangi tuongee? tutaoa siri zake. Eti anakwambiaga anaishi wapi?
  
  I saided Ngumo. She telled me "She has carried you babish like the way she carries other men. She lives in Kibera Raini saba. What she does is, she enter that court and when you leave, she gets escorted by soldiers until Kibera. There is a ka chum that enters Kibera. Be wise"
  
  I refused to believe but saided, is it that I want to go live with her parents or is it her tiita that I want. Whether is from Kibera, or Lavi, or Far east, as long as you are not putted medicine, or talked bad like Tujuane, there is no harm.
  
  Infact, that made me save more coz I was climbing her in cheap lodgings from then.
  
  But to satisfy my curiosity, coz in head, it was telling me there is no way persons that looks like sun can live there. There are thousands of men with money who can remove them there if indeed that is her hood. So, one day, I decided to go during day time and see that ka chum that enters for Ngumo stage to Kibra. True, there is, it leads until Chiefs office and Kibera inside piu.
  
  I am not saying it is bad to live in Kibera, but it is bad to say
  Eastlands people are ghetoish when indeed you live in Kibra. Even South B or South C borders Mukuru. (I dont know which is which, I know one is opposite the other, but according to Tujuane, "C" removes celebrity malaria)  So, it is bad to say South ABCD.
  
  I remain,
  
  This Man,
  Dagitari Onjohi
  Snr. Gyno
  Seer of many

  
  

People's PMs.

I promised to beat you a story that was reminded to me today by today's Maina Kageni show in the morning about how your best friends borrow your PM.
I personally cant borrow any PM, leave along a PM of my friends. Infact I just even wented through my Phone book to see if I have any contacts of peoples PM. I dont.

If you want to go to Satan, kwanza the leader of satan, climb a married persons. You will go to satan and when you remove from satan, you will be returned to satan again. I always say this, for every married persons I know, I know 20 persons that are not married and they have it on head. So, why pray to go to satan by force? Again, in my village, they say if you climb a married persons, your PM will also be climbed. For me, I avoiod that coz If I just dream anyone climbing my PM, I can first smash my TV and kill everything in the kitchen, before realising that I was just dreaming.

In short, I dont climb married and I also dont climb persons below the age of 23. The other major major thing about this two categories is that none of them will ask you to put makobosto. They will beg you to throw in on wall, and since I am not of the blackest satan like Mose who only sees makobosto on TV, I prefer to keep off. The last and least is that they are irresistible in this sense. They dont carry demands like ordinary persons. Their only problem is good tree. If any married get to taste this zig, I dont know what will happen. And to avoid that, I decline those tiitas.

This story I am about to beat you happened over 10 years ago. It involved Theuri and our common biz friend called (Deleted).

One time, Theuri was doing some biz with this guy and small, it started to bring money. As you all know, small money comes with warmth. It is in that warmth that they decided the biz should buy cars for each of them. Since the money that was available could not buy two, they decided to buy one, they share. After all, they were living in the same estate and the car was to enable supply of goods outside town easier.

After small time, That biz partner of Theuri decided to bring his PM in the stall biz that they were sharing with Theuri because most of the time, they were going to supply stuff outside town and the attendant persons that were being written in the stall were small thiefs, always stealing and confusing mathematics.

Warmth of money also makes josto stand. And not just standing, it makes it want to enter diferent holes. Since it was first time this guy had seen real money, he started to look for different persons every weekend, including toothless. Although Theuri eats anything, he advised him to get youngs youngs with hot blood because he saided that those small small persons dont know how to destroy money like experienced persons who can eat a whole story building with speed.

In the evening, we would meet at Citrus in Ngara (That time, there was no other club of mugithi that was saying like Citrus) to thank ourselves.

After, the guy would go to room with young blooded of KU and lie to his PM that they are out of Nairobi with Theuri and would be back on Sunday evening. He would then ramnya the persons and tomorrow of that day, to show his PM that for real they were out of town, he would call Theuri and go to his home together.

Now, as you all know, Satan is very very bad. When seated at their stall with PM to his biz partner when work was slow, satan would give him ideas that he shold climb this Pm and small time, Theuri started to borrow PM.

When she refused to put it on head, Theuri drewed a plan. A very very satanic plan. When he dropped his biz partner at room with his trappers, they agreed as usual to meet tomorrow of that day so that they go home and say they were out. Theuri with his satain, instead of driving home or going along Stima Plaza to pick a trappers, he drove until the house of his partner.

When he reached gate, he called the PM to his friend

"Wa Ciru toka haha gate ine" (come here at the gate")

When she came he told her that he wanted to tell her something and it is betteer he tells her inside house. He was ushered in. He then started

"Ati muthee akwira twiku?" (Where did mzee tell you we are?")

She said Kisii. He said ebu call him. She dialled his number and he stayed small before picking. When he picked she asked

"Nimukinyire Githii? (Did you reach Kisii?)

He saided " Teneeee. Ona twina Theuri haha ni umwe turanyua tuone toro" (Long time. I am with Theuri, we are drinking one to get sleep)

Filling chocked in throat by anger, she cutted phone and started to wail. As she was crying, he telled her that when his hubby says they are out of town, it is always a lie, at that time, he is having a ka persons by his side.

PM to hear that, she removed thuruari to Theuri in protest of his hubby's trapping. That day, Theuri slept at his pals, enjoying tiita at his pals house, Free, no paying room and no buying beer.

Following day, Theuri picked his pal and in the evening,they passed Marigiti and boughted many bananas of Kisii. They then drove to his pals house and started to discuss how biz was like in Kisii. The PM was looking at them with vagina of her eyes, knowing very well that her hubby has slept climbing another persons and herself, she has has slept being climbed the whole night by Theuri.

Small time, this became a habit. Every time Theuri dropped his pal to a room with a persons, he would drive to the pals home and celebrate the PM of his pal.

After a few months the PM started to steal from the biz. Theuri realised and telled his pal. They differed and went to the shop to do mathematics. As they differed, Theuri confronted the PM and argument arosed.

The pals telled Theuri to come slow on his pm. Through Theuri's verbal diarhoea, he saided "Mutumia wanaku na niguo atuiyite" (PM of where and the way she has stolen from us?)

The pal also saw it is not good to be stolen and asked the pm to explain where some money has goned.

Due to anger, she saided " Icio ni nyingi kuri iria utwaragira maraya maku? (Is that many than that you take to your trappers?)

This guy is also another one. He replied "Maraya ciakwa cie murio
gugukira. Nicinyongaga muti na cititidaga ikinegena kana kurio ni mutwe every night" (My trappers are sweeter than you. They even suck my mutree and they dont make noises every day or saying they are being eaten by head every night)

On hearing this and in anger, she telled the hubby that if he thinks he can lie to her that he is out of town and that time he is climbing persons in Ngara, she in turn gets climbed by Theuri and others and telled him how he came to know.

What followed there after was like Ndrama. It was like Vindio.

That is why I vowed, I will never touch a married persons. Never.

I remain,

Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr. Gyno.
Refuser of Under 21 and Married persons.

The Remover in Persons

I once wrote this story.. http://www.wanjohidaily.blogspot.com/2011/05/fly-women-rule-our-world.html

But I am now realising that some rare intelligent species of men like me grow brains with age.

On Friday, I inserted in one of the chemists at Corner house. Infront of me, was a small persons, below the recommended keeping age" (i.e 25yrs).

She ordered for 92. P2, for the sake of those who comes from Ng'arua and Dodoli of Head, P2 is special medicine THAT persons swallow when they get climbed bila makobosto. In a fairer word, it is medicine that is used to remove stomach legally and without feeling guilty..

I moved to her and initiated a conversation. In my capacity as a senior gyno, I also offer counseling services to people with no good head.

She gave me her number and I promised to buy her lunch where I eat everyday, i.e. Kosewe following day. But in the other side of my brain, I also saw an opportunity to drink beer from several of my friends, including Theuri, Akuku or Mpesa in exchange of beer at Tribeka.

On sato, at exactly 9.21 AM my phone was ringing with no end. It was that persons. She asked me if I was game for lunch and replied that I was, like satan.

By 3, Martin refused to be introduced and so, all others I could supply persons to in exchange of beer and meat of burnt, so I did not remove myself.

Jana, the persons started again, calling until 12.30 until I gave up and decided to call her to our other office in Nairobi of up, not Rifarori.

She came within a few seconds and sat herself at the reception. Just when I was about to remove, my boss called me and gave me some work.

Seeing that the persons had waited for an hour, and since I had salary, I went and gave her 5sock and telled her to go eat lunch, we talk another day when I had time.

Before 6 reached, she called again and telled , although in very many words, I sum it up
"Sweerie, my phone has destroyed earpiece and fudi has telled me that it is software and it is 4k. Please send me 4 k I repair"

Instead of laughing, I wanted to cry in anger. This persons barely knewed me for a day and was asking me for 4k from me? And of all the people? Meen! I refused how she carried me and what impression she got when I gave her 5sock for lunch.

I called theuri and showed him the sms from her. He telled me "tushangiri twacanukire muno thiku ici. tutiraragira. Konire uhana mbeca. Weda miti iri, to rimue ndukoragwo mutwe" (This days, tujangiris became more clever,. they cannot sleep hungry. you can send her 2k, because sometimes you dont have head"

I decided to measure her devil. I telled her I know a good and fair fudi, she shud take to, then I be billed.

She replied.. 'No, I want to take to my fudi myself. Most fudis are fake and thiefs'

I telled her to wait I will call her after a meeting.

When she called, I telled her to wait until my check matured next week, I will buy her a new phone. In head, I refused to know.

Today. at noon, she called again and said

"Baby, imagine we have not been paid, and my rent is due today, 5th. please send me 10k I will refund when we get paid'

I hit myself two hard slaps for having picked her first call when she called. But to dismiss her, advised her to talk to the agent to wait until when they receive pay.

She said their agent is very bad, cannot listed. I telled her for now, I cant.

Now, right now, at exactly.. lemi check phone record... 16.55 She called again..

'Baby, imagine I have decided to leave that work. I cant work with such stress. We dont get paid in time, they pa us peanuts. Now, si u send me something for upkeep, to enable me find another job'

I telled her to cut phone, I will call her. I then went to latrine, removed trouser and hit my nyees so hard 5 times for having someone like that call me'

Bending because of pain of hitting mself so hard, I wrote an sms

'Bish, you know wat, I am sending you no money. All persons in Nairobi knows me. they knows me as a man that does not remove money just like that. Not because I dont have, but because I grow brains everyday. Please dont call or sms this number again, because I have sold it. bish!"

Now, there is something I have refused to know. Why are persons like that? Although this one is excess, too excess coz she is an easlander, why would a persons borrow money from a stranger with such vigor? I have met many but this one is on her own class. In my village, if a persons borrow you money and she is not known very well to you, you refuse to know and forget her completely. the only persons who should DEMAND money from you on first encounter is a trapper. The rest, it should either come from me without asking or when I have drinked too many KCs.

I remain,

Dagitari Wamagogo
Snr. Gyno & Refuser of to Know.