If you can eat money of a persons of out, and you are not a gigolo, I need to talk to you. And I don't mean eating all her savings, I mean something like sharing simple things in life like bills. Not electricity bills, small bills like beer bill. Equal equal. Majimbo. Zimbabwe.
One day, we were having meat of burnt at Magomano when we started to talk about persons. Theuri interjected and told me that there was that person of out that looked like sun that had been secretly admiring me ;) but the dickhead could not read the signs. I asked what her name was and he said “Carol uria wa (deleted).” My josto nearly hit my chin with an erection! I was like “Holy shit, she is so cute and.. successful too in business, you mean she said that?” To be very honest with me, she was easily the hottest person in downtown. She had these incredible brookies and the most well formed body. No stomach, and successful in her business too.
With the speed of light, I went to her shop and pretended to buy some stuff. Then, I brought this very important subject "by the way, how do you manage to keep that figure so.. (wanted to say malnourished).. size? You can start an academy to teach these fatty fatty women around here the secret.. you know?"
She didn't either did not like that line or she had been used to that. I felt like bursting into flames for not impressing her and quickly, I changed the topic, "Reo unanunua akoho wapi?" Like she was waiting for that, she said she likes Upperhill area.
It was in my weirdest dreams that I thought such a person could actually admire me. Huh!. Only college girls do, and they do it to get airtime from me. The other groups is exhibitions stalls persons so that they can get beer treats when every other date has failed, or in many occasions, get hookups, coz I have many eligible money removers and eligible bachelors as my friends. I tried to comfort myself that I may be growing handsome, or else, she wanted to learn my business. The later more though. I still could not believe that Carol, of all the persons would say or think of dating me. What would she tell her friends she was doing with me?
In the back of my head, it was to be a three three beers and meat, then, see you another day.
Upper-hill
We sat down and ordered beer. She asked for coloniolistic evil and devilish beer called Heinneken. one Heinneken was going for two hundred. With one round, 550 bob drank water.
Since it is unwritten rule that any Kikuyu man MUST buy you meat of burnt when he takes you out, I went to order meat. In that place, you cant measure your meat in kilos. I don't even know how they measure, but smallest portion goes for 1,200, and is served in a very very hot black pan that when its brought to the table, it comes producing this sound... "shiiiiii" because of hotness. And the meat has no bones.
After eating, I asked another round. Small time the bill had now climbed to Kshs.2,300 bob. A very huge bill for two rounds and a few pieces of meat served in a pan. I started to sense danger there there. I started to sip beer small small, in an interval of 10 minutes as I recited a silent prayer, cursing whoever introduced Heinekenn in Kenya. But the cursing stopped when I remembered who I was with.
This person was another. Despite drinking colonialistic beer, she was also drinking as if it was water. Very fast. Theuri says that if you are getting bought for, you must follow the pace of the buyer. If you drink faster than the buyer, buy for yourself a drink as you wait for the buyer to finish his. This one did not know that. She does not know Theuri and she does not know God.
As if the bill was being paid to climb, before flinching three times, it had climbed to 3,500 bob. With a total of 4k I had, it was impossible to ask for another round of that bill. As impossible as it is water to oil. Looking at her with vagina of her eyes, she did not appear like she was up for any equal equal.
I started now not to even enjoy the beer, at all. It started to taste like urine. When I was sipping that 'urine' with now a larger interval of like 17 minutes, I could hear my mind tell me 'If you set your eyes into something, you will achieve, if you believe, so shall it be. Believe that she will do equal equal and see"
There there, I refused to be tempted by the devil. You cant jump from toppest floor of Times tower and believe that you will not hit the ground. Its foolish to believe such.
The believe now matured to a whisper, I dont know from who. Must be the devil, the lier "Nikii, nduire mundu ucio mwike Majimbo" (tell the person you do equal equal)
The whisper eminded me of the Murphy's law. If its bad, its bad. Atleast she knew I was I was a frigging Dr. with a small clinic in River road, with very low income and if only she was to get considerate small and allow me to use that cash she was wasting on colonialistic beer on better things, like room, or makobosto, she will be a great woman. I started to count 1234 so that when it reached maximum, I get guts to tell her to throw her money in the book of bill, 1700 bob so that we can know if to start afresh.
Seeing nothing, I removed the 4k and called the waiter, hoping she will either tell me to return bill, its hers or throw her Zimbabwe. She looked at me with vagina of her eyes, refusing to know if I wanted to call off the drinking spree. When the waiter returned my change, he made sure it was in loose so that I can give him the loose ones. I told him with heart that he has milked a he-goat.
With now remaining 500 bob I didnt know what to do. The idea of telling her to buy was not the best one, so i told myself. You know, no matter how bad things got, no matter how bad, at least I never have to stick my lick a glass, that’s just, that’s not a successful life.
Having no plan B now, with plan A of now asking for one one drink for the last straw since the person was now showing the signs of 'I have just started", I saw an uncle of mine who is also very close to me, step in with his PM. I ate njaro until they sat. Then,I knelt and said small prayers to thank God for being an answer in times of need. I waited until his PM went to latrine and rushed there.
After greetings, I told him 'We warehuo ni ngai. Ndigiukire guku na maraya iranyua ta Heno. rehe miti iri" (I came here with a trapper drinking like Heno. bring two k). without returning, he handed me two k and told me to grow brains.
I went back to the seat and life returned small. But this time, I was paying cash, not bill, so that atleast, she tell herself to buy a round. Small time, from the two K I had gotten, I was now remaining with a K. And the person was not showing any signs of falling falling.
In my head, I was praying that she checks in my clinic tomorrow of that day, I w'd, atleast cure that her disease of drinking coloniolistic beer without feeling anything. I could easily achieve that by touching her brookie, the touch would send that disease right back to Satan, where it came from. If that fails, I could tell her that the other cure comes by inserting medicine in her tiita. The medicine though, should be inserted within 15 minutes, and must be driven in by a josto. If she can get a josto to insert within 15 minutes of issuance, thats ok. If she cant, then Dagitari will have the pleasure of inserting, at a fee.
To be contd tomorrow..
I remain,
Dr. Wanjohi
EBH, PHD, Senior Gyno, Pyschic.
Clinix Inc.
River Road.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Where Not To Keep Makobosto.
It is suicidal to climb unmeasured persons without makobosto, but it is treason to forget makobosto in your pockets. If you have to climb persons, always use makobosto and if you have a PM, there are rules to be followed on how to store them. If you are married, and you climb people, you might want to read further, because it can happen to you. You might also need a pen and paper if you want to take notes.
Though it is not good to rejoice at problems of your friends, I rejoiced on this one because the person in question originally belonged to me.
There is this person who owns an Mpesa shop in town. I started stories of giants of how I could help her expand her business by injecting small capital, to be repaid in 2030. The person looked at me and told me "wandora wona hana fala e? ungiona muiretu uretikia ati story taicwo ciaku, ni fala. Nie ngereire maundu ine mainge muno wona nginyite haha. Henetio ni arume ngagia hakiri. We njita tunyue njohi na nyama no maundu ma kuhe mbeca tiga" (You have looked at me you saw a fala? If you see any person falling on those stories is a fala. I have passed through so many things, I have been cheated by men, oh, I will give you money, until i grew brains. You call me we drink beer and meat, but stories of giving me money, leave).
I told her I meant what I said, and infact, I even wanted her to born me a baby of boy. She said she is mature enough, to put thuruari on head is not news and should never be news. But stories more than that, she does not want because she hates getting false hopes. She read me until I gave myself shuguli.
In the evening, now assured of muclimbano, I called her to come to Ngara where I was with Akuku and Theuri, Mpesa. When she came, she found me drinking Tusker but because I wanted to appear more sophisticated, I changed to Tusker Malt. She ordered for redwine, though later small, I convinced her to take Caprice instead (because its cheaper to me). From there, beer started to flow, all rounds coming from Akuku. Small time, I started to refuse to know myself.
The bad thing about refusing to know myself is that my devils always shows me to go home, even if I am with a person that looks like two suns.
And Akuku since he knows that, continued to feed me more and more Malts, all on his bill. Akuku and Theuri are like from the same stomach, although they are not related. Their behaviours are like they are from the same stomach.
Now small time, they struck a deal. I cant remember how I left there, but i remember passing by my homepub. I was told that I bought people drinks, even strangers. Tomorrow of that day, I was given a bill of 1800 bob.
Tomorrow of that day, Akuku called us and told us that he has denounced the devil, the persons, people that are friendly to what mucukani likes and all drinks that are frothy.
He told us that when I losted, he was now left with my person. He went to the counter and bought two packets of makobosto. He bought two because in his head, it told him that because to her thutha, and sun like face, and godly behaviour, he will climb a minimum of 5 Jotis. They were well wrapped with an old newspaper. At Bee centre rooms, he was asked his name. He said Maina. George Maina. Akuku, like me, answers to so many names. Some people call him symo, Masha, Akuku and the butcher people call him 3/4 for his fondness of 3/4 meat.
Inside room, he removed one packet of makobost and returned the balance in his pocket. Because he was equally drank, he ramnyad the person one joti only, like what majority of us do. One joti is enough, no need to kill yourself with two or three. The person tried to have him eat another one but it refused to stand. He hurriedly dressed up, dropped the 'hanging' person at her house and went home.
In the morning, at his house, he was woken up by kicks and wails from his pm. When he opened his eyes, his PM was holding a packet of makobosto and a receipt for room, and keys, with very bid keyholder of wood, with no. 29 on it.
He looked at all refused to know what to do. He rose up, thinking of running away for good because death was nigh. Quick thinking, he looked at them and asked his PM 'ici ciauma ku?" (Where did that come from?) Wailing, she said "mumaraya uyu riu ona urenda kunyonia ati kuria uma kuhura umaraya waku? Nie urenda kunjuraga niki? (You trapper, you want to show me where you are now trapping e? You want to kill me ?)
akuku calmly said 'uka thii. niki?
Whatever he tried to say did not make sense. And she could neither listen. The PM could hear nothing. He told Akuku they must go to Bee centre and verify who was at that room. Akuku refused small but when he saw his pm was creating more commotion, he refused what to do. He putted on a clothes and walked with his pm towards the gate. His PM all this long was shouting obscenities at him and wailing loudly. When he saw he was getting embarased too much, he tried to walk faster. His pm realised he was running away. She run after him and held him by the jacket. He freed himself by removing the jacket and run away as fast as he could.
I dont know how the story went after that because when he was narrating that story to us, all our ribs had dried because of laughter and we were all under the table. I will get how it ended today in the evening.
Lesson learnt.
That is what happens when:
You steal a person that does not belong to you
You keep makobosto in your pocket
You keep a receipt of room in your pocket.
To avoid such:
Never keep makobosto in your pocket. When I BUY, I hold them with hands, or I give the person to carry.
Never give your real identity in room. If they insist on names, you can give out a fake name.
If they pass the receipt to you, do not touch it. Leave it at the counter, or take and tear it.
Do not, and I repeat, do not take room keys. leave them at the door. some rooms tells you to drop the key at the reception. Refuse. Tell them to pick it themselves.
I hope I have helped you.
PS: My clinic is now open. The others will be opened once NHIF deposits the money in my account. I am open everyday from 8 pm. I treat persons only, diseases like lack of boy child, failure to get orgasms and related.
I remain
Dr. Wanjohi
Snr Gyno
Klinix International
River Road.
Though it is not good to rejoice at problems of your friends, I rejoiced on this one because the person in question originally belonged to me.
There is this person who owns an Mpesa shop in town. I started stories of giants of how I could help her expand her business by injecting small capital, to be repaid in 2030. The person looked at me and told me "wandora wona hana fala e? ungiona muiretu uretikia ati story taicwo ciaku, ni fala. Nie ngereire maundu ine mainge muno wona nginyite haha. Henetio ni arume ngagia hakiri. We njita tunyue njohi na nyama no maundu ma kuhe mbeca tiga" (You have looked at me you saw a fala? If you see any person falling on those stories is a fala. I have passed through so many things, I have been cheated by men, oh, I will give you money, until i grew brains. You call me we drink beer and meat, but stories of giving me money, leave).
I told her I meant what I said, and infact, I even wanted her to born me a baby of boy. She said she is mature enough, to put thuruari on head is not news and should never be news. But stories more than that, she does not want because she hates getting false hopes. She read me until I gave myself shuguli.
In the evening, now assured of muclimbano, I called her to come to Ngara where I was with Akuku and Theuri, Mpesa. When she came, she found me drinking Tusker but because I wanted to appear more sophisticated, I changed to Tusker Malt. She ordered for redwine, though later small, I convinced her to take Caprice instead (because its cheaper to me). From there, beer started to flow, all rounds coming from Akuku. Small time, I started to refuse to know myself.
The bad thing about refusing to know myself is that my devils always shows me to go home, even if I am with a person that looks like two suns.
And Akuku since he knows that, continued to feed me more and more Malts, all on his bill. Akuku and Theuri are like from the same stomach, although they are not related. Their behaviours are like they are from the same stomach.
Now small time, they struck a deal. I cant remember how I left there, but i remember passing by my homepub. I was told that I bought people drinks, even strangers. Tomorrow of that day, I was given a bill of 1800 bob.
Tomorrow of that day, Akuku called us and told us that he has denounced the devil, the persons, people that are friendly to what mucukani likes and all drinks that are frothy.
He told us that when I losted, he was now left with my person. He went to the counter and bought two packets of makobosto. He bought two because in his head, it told him that because to her thutha, and sun like face, and godly behaviour, he will climb a minimum of 5 Jotis. They were well wrapped with an old newspaper. At Bee centre rooms, he was asked his name. He said Maina. George Maina. Akuku, like me, answers to so many names. Some people call him symo, Masha, Akuku and the butcher people call him 3/4 for his fondness of 3/4 meat.
Inside room, he removed one packet of makobost and returned the balance in his pocket. Because he was equally drank, he ramnyad the person one joti only, like what majority of us do. One joti is enough, no need to kill yourself with two or three. The person tried to have him eat another one but it refused to stand. He hurriedly dressed up, dropped the 'hanging' person at her house and went home.
In the morning, at his house, he was woken up by kicks and wails from his pm. When he opened his eyes, his PM was holding a packet of makobosto and a receipt for room, and keys, with very bid keyholder of wood, with no. 29 on it.
He looked at all refused to know what to do. He rose up, thinking of running away for good because death was nigh. Quick thinking, he looked at them and asked his PM 'ici ciauma ku?" (Where did that come from?) Wailing, she said "mumaraya uyu riu ona urenda kunyonia ati kuria uma kuhura umaraya waku? Nie urenda kunjuraga niki? (You trapper, you want to show me where you are now trapping e? You want to kill me ?)
akuku calmly said 'uka thii. niki?
Whatever he tried to say did not make sense. And she could neither listen. The PM could hear nothing. He told Akuku they must go to Bee centre and verify who was at that room. Akuku refused small but when he saw his pm was creating more commotion, he refused what to do. He putted on a clothes and walked with his pm towards the gate. His PM all this long was shouting obscenities at him and wailing loudly. When he saw he was getting embarased too much, he tried to walk faster. His pm realised he was running away. She run after him and held him by the jacket. He freed himself by removing the jacket and run away as fast as he could.
I dont know how the story went after that because when he was narrating that story to us, all our ribs had dried because of laughter and we were all under the table. I will get how it ended today in the evening.
Lesson learnt.
That is what happens when:
You steal a person that does not belong to you
You keep makobosto in your pocket
You keep a receipt of room in your pocket.
To avoid such:
Never keep makobosto in your pocket. When I BUY, I hold them with hands, or I give the person to carry.
Never give your real identity in room. If they insist on names, you can give out a fake name.
If they pass the receipt to you, do not touch it. Leave it at the counter, or take and tear it.
Do not, and I repeat, do not take room keys. leave them at the door. some rooms tells you to drop the key at the reception. Refuse. Tell them to pick it themselves.
I hope I have helped you.
PS: My clinic is now open. The others will be opened once NHIF deposits the money in my account. I am open everyday from 8 pm. I treat persons only, diseases like lack of boy child, failure to get orgasms and related.
I remain
Dr. Wanjohi
Snr Gyno
Klinix International
River Road.
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