What The Beer You Drink Says About You!!

This is is a very serious research. I was not meant to share, but since I am bored, it might help you to know yourself small.  This research was conducted from year 2003 - 2011. I stand to be corrected, as well as to be rewarded.

Tusker
Tusker drinkers are superior and think highly of themselves. They care too much of what other people think about them and want to appear perfect. They also tend to be take-charge types with strong opinions, and sometimes, confrontational. Tusker drinkers are 60% more likely to pick a trappers than an average girl.

 

 

Pilner 

Don't easily get carried away, don't like authority and there’s something confident with Pili drinkers. Persons of out expect pilsner drinkers  hold a lengthy conversation with them. Pilsner drinkers are 50% more likely to eat a person without makobosto, but will not remember  or care about it until the person will call from a Hospital, 9 months later with this words 'congratulations, you are a dad!'

Pilsner Ice
It’s presumed either:
* They don’t have a job
* An alcoholic
* Or Both.
Any person with a good head remembers this old adage "You can love a rich man as well as a poor man. they can all make good husdands, depending on your age" 98% likely to attract persons with 4 - 5 kids, all born out of wedlock.

White cup Lager

More likely to spend time thinking about beer rather than work. They are more open-minded than most people, seek out people with interesting and varied experiences and are intellectual.

 

White cup light
If you are a White cup light drinker, you’re practically holding a sign that reads, “I have good taste and I am well oiled. But I’m exhausted from my high-paying job, or my  successful business. Please keep your distance'. It’s wise to only drink Whitecup light if you’ve got such broad shoulders, wear designer suits and have natural charm, otherwise, people will refuse to know because its not for everybody. Women are likely to avoid this group because they dont give a damn.

Tusker Malt

Gives an impression of a  confident and intriguingly adventurous guy. Men that drink this appear sensitive to women. Women that drink that show class.  If a person gets you drinking that,  you can pretty much guarantee she'll put thuruari on head. 50% likely to attract educated person of out.

Guinness Kubwa

Guinness implies to a woman that you’ve got the machizmo to at least, ride her for 6 hours non stop. Guinness drinkers take everything for granted. Due to their ability to tolerate the bitter taste of Guinness, they auger well with intolerant women. Women knows that and they are 32% more likely to stay with a man that takes Guinness. On the other side of the spectrum, women Guinness Kubwa drinkard are more likely to have had abusive relationship.

Summit

Unless you are with your usual, unless are very very rich and people know that, try to avoid Summit if you want to meet persons of out. It repels women. In regard to how they relate with others, drinkers of Summit accept everyone and generally easy to get along with. Drinkers of summit is likely to succeed in business than an average person.

 

 

Black ice

Black Ice drinkers profile as lacking in carefulness. Fairly nondescript, because a large collection of young persons and few confused men and  depressed mamas drink Black Ice. The drinkers have horrible cooking skills, but are easy to appease in a relationship.
People who drink Black Ice are 105% more likely than an average person to be climbed on the first date and 77% more likely not to tell you when there is month. They are 99% more likely to tell you to send them money for hair by mpesa.

Redds

They seek out the company of others. Redds drinkers socialize more and are fun people to be with. A Redd's patients are 200%  more likely to drink  KC or other cheap hard liquor when  alone or waiting for a buyer than an average person.  A drinker of Redds is oweful in bed and is 77% more likely than an average person to call you at night, even if they are aware that you belong to someone else.

Heineken and other colonialistic drinks

They look down upon the common man’s beers and believes they are exceptional and have high self-esteem and is attracted to luxury products.  A Heineken drinker is 50% more likely to own an I phone 4s, even if they have zero computer knowledge. They are also energetic and dynamic and enjoy being both the center of attention and in the middle of the action. Have a 99 % chance of telling you, three months later, "I am confused, I dont if to remove the stomach or not"

  Whiskey 

 They like to make impressions.. like "I can comfortably drink this more expensive option, with the ability to also look like I have a good job and don't live in Kinoo.. or Kawangware. Most whiskey drinkers have big tummies. A drinker of this brand, if woman, is likely to tell you that Dr. Nyamu increased his fees and the more earlier she sees him, the better.
 

 

Wine... 

 They are image conscious who think bottle is for the weak and hos.  After chips and chicken, drinkers of wine will make their legs turns into a chicken thigh in a matter of minutes. A drinker of wine is 114% more likely, than an average person to to insist on rolling down makobosto on your josto herself than allow you to do it yourself.

Kibao Vodka (made in Kariobangi)

Common among the poor, University of Nairobi students and those who want to  pissed on themselves quickly and cheaply. Drinkers of this brand are 1000% more likely to initiate a fight over nothing and 300% more likely to go to uptown bars  after 11PM when Madhuka closes. 

Brandy 

 Very friendly and what is more agreeable about this is that they expect their peers to take nothing else apart from what they take... viceroy. They love to share.  A Brandy drinker is 90% more likely to borrow phone number of their pal's girlfriends. Most popular with retirees, lawyers, teachers (lectures mostly) and people that spend more time talking to clients. 

Kingfisher.

 They have questionable taste and are generally confused in life. They have no goal in life and got a D in Mathematics. The irony of course is that they put thuruari on their handbag after the 3rd drink. A Kingfisher drinker is 60% more likely than an average person not to seek a drinking buddy on  the first encounter.

Johnnie Walker

 

 Like to party, believe “life is too short to drink cheap” Likely to attract persons that want sugar daddies or clever trappers. Its makes it very hard for this group to attract good persons because by the time a decent person comes in , a trapper will have spotted the drinker of JW and snatched the drinker.

 Kenya Cane aka KC.

They know everything that happens within 2km radius. They will know where all vacant houses are, who climbs who, who has not paid rent,  which school is cheapest, who is building what.. etc. 80% more Likely than an average person to fight the bouncer after the 2nd quarter. People that drink KC abhor spending. Most of them drink it from home or backstreet pubs, like Madhuka, then migrate to decent bars, only to drink one beer and fall asleep. 

Beer Whores

For these people that have no loyalty to any brand.. or will drink today spirit, tomorrow brandy, tomorrow of that day beer, they are a confused lot and spend more time thinking about beer in one day than 100 million of us combined spend an year  thinking about muclimbano. They are more likely to support a team that lose perennially, like Arsenal. They are opposite of day dreamers, criticize everyone, and hates politics.  They are more likely not to participate in voting. 

And finally, 

Juice Drinkers in bars

People who Delmonte in bars are 199% more likely not to loosen up. They see all issues as black and white. They are 65% more likely to commit suicide due to boredom than an average person.

People who take Delmonte in bars are 53% more likely to get pregnant on first encounter. They will also do nothing about it (Like buying Postinol 2). Due to their social conservative nature, they  wish away or pray that its not stomach, even when they start vomiting every morning.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine, PHD. 

Senior Researcher,

River-Road Inc.