When The Hunter Became The Hunted

There are things that don't happen everyday. You cant sell Ice to Eskimos everyday. I have pulled persons off the street and climbed them same day. Many times, Martin Does it everyday. And Another pal who cannot be named because he can sue me Theuri has done it and Akuku too. And you too many maybe. Pulling persons off the street and climbing same day is no big deal. But what makes this story exceptional is because the hunter became the hunted.


I have told you before that I am a treasurer of ka certain chama. Since we are not formally registered, I keep money in my own bank account. Now, there is this persons that is written in my bank as cashier. In her head, she telled herself that if she enters me good, she can have a share in some funds that seems to lack use because they are even in my account. An year or so ago, she put it on head for me and later realised that it is easier to milk a he-goat that to get a cobo from me. The fact is, I am not gum, the money doesn't simply belong to me. She came far more when she said I add her a 100k to add to her savings so that she is loaned a car by bank. I refused to know and losted.


But as you are aware, the last few months have been very dry of persons but my josto hears none of that, total disregard of the financial and logistics involved. I thoughted of how I could help it and thats when I remembered the banker persons I upped tint for.

I thouted of mending fences and to mend fences, I had to go to her branch and withdraw some funds to show her that I was still there, strong.

There there, I went to Isich. As you all know, "muthici ungi ndamuthuire" (another climber does not hate. If you have climbed, you can climb again), she was elated to see me.

"ndoka guetha cia weekend" (I have come to remove for weekend) I said. I telled her I wanted to withdraw 40k but was not sure if it will be enough for all through the weekend. She telled me "na unjigirie miti itano ona nie" (put for me 5k) I said no sweat, she look for me in the evening.


Having achieved what I wanted, I walked to the stage, whistling and my josto thanking me for making an effort to let it sleep inside.

As I was waiting to see which mat I will climb among the many unruly mats no 9, a person that looked like sun with nicely done hair, very hot, the kind that their looks only can give you an orgasms, but dressed like a granmother, long dress and rubber shoes approached me. She came and in heavy Meru accent, she said "unanjua commercial?"

I am always suspicions of people who ask me for direction. Majority end up to having hiden intention. Anyway, I said "ndio, hii mats zote ni za commercial" and gave myself shughuli.


When I entered a mat, she followed me and sat next to me. We didn't talk until when the conductor came. I gave him a hundred and told him to cut for two people. She smiled and said thanks. It is then that I realised that I could borrow number and maybe later, I take her to Ngara, buy her a very tight stretcher and a nice top, and shoes of two hundred, then remove her to men. They will do me thumps up for having a hot persons, I thought. You know a person is clothing. Most of these persons you see, if they go back to shags small, you will refuse to know. It is clothes that makes us equal.For that thought only, I heard my josto stretch until knee.


Small time, she started "Mimi naitwa Karimi, nimetoka melu. Nilikuwa nimenkuja kuangalia cousin yangu lakini nikapata alihama.." By the time she finished those words, a million thoughts had crossed my mind. I had filled myself that she was just another con persons that wanted me to give her fare to go back to 'Meru'. She continued

'sasa, nilikuwa nime win shality Sweempstanke ya 200k, na mimi sina hi ndi, nimefikisha 18 nyears njusi" (I wanted to burst with laughter because I had been washed by this Fake Sweepstate before. Another thought crossed my mind. Either this is a persons that knows me and she knows I had written about Charity sweestate ordea and she wanted to jog measure my devils. But it became serious when she continued

"sasa, natafuta mtu anipee half, 100k nimpatie hii nticket aende a nclaim hiso pesa kwa Shality njuu wamekataa njuu ya Hi Ndii"

She then removed the ticket and showed me. Because I wanted to play along and jog her small, I telled her in small voice "weee rudisha hio ticket watu wasione. Unajua tunaeza fuatwa na unyaganywe"

Quickly, she returned it in her small bag. I bit my lips, thoughted what to tell her. After a brief moments, I telled her "Ah!, sijui tutafanya nini. Hapa niko na 32k. aagg!... sasa.. lakini niko na pesa kwa bank, lakini itafika 50, haiezi fika 100k"..

She smilled and said, "wewe njalibu, hata kama ifike heighy k.

I replied "shida ingine, ATM ya bank yenye iko na pesa iko home. Sijui tutafanya nini?.

Small time, I heard devil started to whisper in my eyes. "boss, climb person. Nikii. You are a clever person. Show her news"

I turned and looked at her and said in her ear "Tunaeza shukia ngara, nikuache place hapo uningojee ndo niendee pesa?" She said she had no problem. I felt my chin hit by my josto coz of happiness. It had knewed it had eaten a person.

When we removed from mat, at Equity bank, ngara, I told her that the best place to wait for me is in a room because outside is not safe. She said no problem. I poured on myself.

We crossed over the road to some rooms called Travellers Lodge, nexst to Family bank. A room with no shower and toilet inside is 400 bob during the day. I knew this person was not worth more than that, no way I was going to put a value of more than 400 on her. I didn't want to waste money because it was Friday and I wanted to entertain the banker persons that used to allow me climb her in her own house.

All along, she was so much into her phone, sms after sms. In my head, I knew she was communicating with her accomplices. I am a clever person. Maybe she was updating them on how far she has entered a fala.

I paid room and as we were taking the stairs, I pretended I had forgotten to ask something. I boughted makobboso and ranup the stairs until room. You know, if you are entering room with a person and you hve not agreed about climbing, never show her that you are buying makobosto. She wont enter that room. Trust me. I have experience.

When we entered room, she first removed out to talk on phone. A few moments later, she came back smiling and in high spirits. I guessed the accomplices had advised her to remove so that they can steal better.

But her smile made me refuse to know. It hit me that maybe, she was directing her accomplices to the room so that they can hijack me and inert me in their car and demand for ransom. I knew I was not dealing with saints.

In heart, I started to say a small prayer "Lord, remember this money in my pocket is not mine. It is for chama, I only have it in my pocket for reasons I cant say. If it was mine, it would be in bank, not pocket. please protect me from any harm that might be directed towards me..." Before I could finish the prayer, she came to me and started touching me small and telling me 'Sweetie, si uendee pesa juu sitaki kuchelewa sana" She realised that my tree had passed knee length because of standing.

She smiled and said "Waa!, umenyonji ivo yote kwanini?!" without her Meru accent know. She touched my tree and commented that it was so tall and huge and she cant understand how it gets indie persons tiita.. I told her that I used to pull it with priers when I was small,that is why it grew so tall.

I started to touch her too small small, not sure if she will tell me not to, or that there is month. I started from waist, up up up, until i reached brookies. I unzipped her dress up from neck to create a good space to touch brookies.

I removed on very firm average brookie that has never been sucked by a baby and teased the tip small with one finger. She closed her eyes. Then, I puled myself towards brookie and inserted mouth and started to suck. With her dress still on, from the back, I uncapped the bra straps. Sucking with earnest. I sucked and sucked and she said mbus. I uzipped the dress piu and pulled it down from shoulders and it fell down. She then stepped out of it.

I first did not believe what I was seeing. She looked like a model, like those fake persons posted on Campus Divas for Rich Men. And she was on a g-string. That alone telled me that she was not from shags. These are Kabete persons. Infact I filled myself that she was not even meru. Ukuyu of Kabete. Persons from upcountry put mothers union thuruari and biker together. Since I had not removed any of my clothes, I felt my josto stretch too much until it almost teared my trouser. Fearing tear, I removed all colthes.

I made her to lie on bed again and lifted on of her legs and putted on my shoulder and started to tease tiita. All tiita area was clean shaved like my forehead. No shags mundu shaves!. With mbus accelerating, I returned leg on beg and moved to brookie agan, sucking as my fingers did the walking. I fingered tiita until all my hand looked like i had dipped inside water.

I wanted to measure her devil if she will tell me to insert makobosto, so I pretended to move on top. She asked "umevaa CD?. If you hear a persons that does not tell you to dress makobosto, know that she knows something you do not know.

When her crying became excess, telling me to come baby come, I removed myself from her grip and slowly, inserted makobosto.

I pushed the G-string aside and directed my zig zag on the entrance of her tiita. Before driving it in, she told me "Na sweetie ujue nilifanya kitambo sana, nikiwa form two. Sijai kuwa na mwanaume tena, kwa ivo, ukuwe mpole"

With heart, I telled her "You will go to satan for telling a lie like that. You were climbed latest last night. And when I was fingering, I could not hear any grip. If you have grip, I will go to satan"

I pointed my josto and slowly, drove it in, then letted it stay inside for two seconds before removing. The warmth I heard can only be compared with the tiita I have told you before that had sandpaper inside. Removing and returning, and removing and returning, and the tickling by the G-string made my nyees feel like trying to release pour. I did not want to pour so fast because I was also enjoying her mbus and the tickling. The tickling reminded me a time I putted a ring that had vibrator. So, to avoid immature pour, I had to think something evil.

I putted in my mind that after I finish shafting, I will get her accomplice waiting for me and force me in their car and demand ramson. But still, I felt like pouring. To put more evil thought, I imagined that by the time I finish, the 40k I had withdrawn will be stolen by the person because she had putted medicine in her tiita to make me sleep and I will not know what to tell Chama when they demand the money for mbuzi or project. That was so powerful because for the next 30 minutes, I could not pour. S I even got so tired of pumping, and told her to come up. She removed her G-string and put it under the pillow.

I lay facing up and told her to come up. Slowly, she came down on my josto, swallowing all of it, until nyee level. When the tree was firmly and wholly swallowed, she did three powerful spins until I felt like my tree will be cut and remain inside. She much have been an expert in the game that girls used to play called kuhiuria mbara.

I felt zzzzz and poured everything that had been stored in nyees, including those that had not matured.

She then slept on top of me for like two minutes.

Fearing that I might doze off and find myself without owners 40k.

I dressed up without bathing because that room was just a room. No bathroom.

I then telled her "ngoja nikimbie nilete hio ATM nitoe pesa. Ni kama 45 minutes juu ya jam"

If you are a thief, you will know when you are being stolen. When she saw me clearing all my stuff, including some coins that had fallen, she sensed I will not return. She told me in sad voice "Sweerie, si uache hio 32k nikaage nazo"

I told her there is no need for small small, and if i leve the 32k, I have no guarantee that she will be there. She said ' Si hata ufuunge na inje na uede na funguo?

I told her to have patient, deal is deal.

She said Ok sweerie, usikae. alafu, ebu nipee your number ndio tuwasiliane" I gave her Theuri's Airtel number and left to get the ATM. Theuris Aritel never enters, unles you are on his contact list. He has a ka Shina phone that filters who calls. But she attempted to call 108 times. It notifies you everytime someone attempts to call you. I know she wrote a million sms of abuse but sms also dont enter.

When I left, I thouthed that his group could follow me. So, I took a taxi from Total petro station until Westlands where I took a mat to town. That day, I felt so good. I had washed a wash wash. She thoughted she will wash me , but I washed her.

In the evening, I called Theuri and others and beated them stories. They were collected under the table because I lied to them that I even climbed kwa nyeni. I told them how my josto was looking like a taribo when digging muddy areas. But Theuri stopped me and said "Wahotire ri kuhaica mundu shoti ikirike imwe? ngoma! (When did you enable climb person more than one joti? Devil)

Next Story is about Gold digging Banker Digs hard Ground.


I remain,

Dagitari Wanjohi
Senior Gyno
Currently on Strike

All That Starts Well, Ends Well.

If you can eat money of a persons of out, and you are not a gigolo, I need to talk to you. And I don't mean eating all her savings, I mean something like sharing simple things in life like bills. Not electricity bills, small bills like beer bill. Equal equal. Majimbo. Zimbabwe.

One day, we were having meat of burnt at Magomano when we started to talk about persons. Theuri interjected and told me that there was that person of out that looked like sun that had been secretly admiring me ;) but the dickhead could not read the signs. I asked what her name was and he said “Carol uria wa (deleted).” My josto nearly hit my chin with an erection! I was like “Holy shit, she is so cute and.. successful too in business, you mean she said that?” To be very honest with me, she was easily the hottest person in downtown. She had these incredible brookies and the most well formed body. No stomach, and successful in her business too.

With the speed of light, I went to her shop and pretended to buy some stuff. Then, I brought this very important subject "by the way, how do you manage to keep that figure so.. (wanted to say malnourished).. size? You can start an academy to teach these fatty fatty women around here the secret.. you know?"

She didn't either did not like that line or she had been used to that. I felt like bursting into flames for not impressing her and quickly, I changed the topic, "Reo unanunua akoho wapi?" Like she was waiting for that, she said she likes Upperhill area.

It was in my weirdest dreams that I thought such a person could actually admire me. Huh!. Only college girls do, and they do it to get airtime from me. The other groups is exhibitions stalls persons so that they can get beer treats when every other date has failed, or in many occasions, get hookups, coz I have many eligible money removers and eligible bachelors as my friends. I tried to comfort myself that I may be growing handsome, or else, she wanted to learn my business. The later more though. I still could not believe that Carol, of all the persons would say or think of dating me. What would she tell her friends she was doing with me?

In the back of my head, it was to be a three three beers and meat, then, see you another day.

Upper-hill
We sat down and ordered beer. She asked for coloniolistic evil and devilish beer called Heinneken. one Heinneken was going for two hundred. With one round, 550 bob drank water.

Since it is unwritten rule that any Kikuyu man MUST buy you meat of burnt when he takes you out, I went to order meat. In that place, you cant measure your meat in kilos. I don't even know how they measure, but smallest portion goes for 1,200, and is served in a very very hot black pan that when its brought to the table, it comes producing this sound... "shiiiiii" because of hotness. And the meat has no bones.

After eating, I asked another round. Small time the bill had now climbed to Kshs.2,300 bob. A very huge bill for two rounds and a few pieces of meat served in a pan. I started to sense danger there there. I started to sip beer small small, in an interval of 10 minutes as I recited a silent prayer, cursing whoever introduced Heinekenn in Kenya. But the cursing stopped when I remembered who I was with.

This person was another. Despite drinking colonialistic beer, she was also drinking as if it was water. Very fast. Theuri says that if you are getting bought for, you must follow the pace of the buyer. If you drink faster than the buyer, buy for yourself a drink as you wait for the buyer to finish his. This one did not know that. She does not know Theuri and she does not know God.

As if the bill was being paid to climb, before flinching three times, it had climbed to 3,500 bob. With a total of 4k I had, it was impossible to ask for another round of that bill. As impossible as it is water to oil. Looking at her with vagina of her eyes, she did not appear like she was up for any equal equal.

I started now not to even enjoy the beer, at all. It started to taste like urine. When I was sipping that 'urine' with now a larger interval of like 17 minutes, I could hear my mind tell me 'If you set your eyes into something, you will achieve, if you believe, so shall it be. Believe that she will do equal equal and see"

There there, I refused to be tempted by the devil. You cant jump from toppest floor of Times tower and believe that you will not hit the ground. Its foolish to believe such.

The believe now matured to a whisper, I dont know from who. Must be the devil, the lier "Nikii, nduire mundu ucio mwike Majimbo" (tell the person you do equal equal)

The whisper eminded me of the Murphy's law. If its bad, its bad. Atleast she knew I was I was a frigging Dr. with a small clinic in River road, with very low income and if only she was to get considerate small and allow me to use that cash she was wasting on colonialistic beer on better things, like room, or makobosto, she will be a great woman. I started to count 1234 so that when it reached maximum, I get guts to tell her to throw her money in the book of bill, 1700 bob so that we can know if to start afresh.

Seeing nothing, I removed the 4k and called the waiter, hoping she will either tell me to return bill, its hers or throw her Zimbabwe. She looked at me with vagina of her eyes, refusing to know if I wanted to call off the drinking spree. When the waiter returned my change, he made sure it was in loose so that I can give him the loose ones. I told him with heart that he has milked a he-goat.

With now remaining 500 bob I didnt know what to do. The idea of telling her to buy was not the best one, so i told myself. You know, no matter how bad things got, no matter how bad, at least I never have to stick my lick a glass, that’s just, that’s not a successful life.

Having no plan B now, with plan A of now asking for one one drink for the last straw since the person was now showing the signs of 'I have just started", I saw an uncle of mine who is also very close to me, step in with his PM. I ate njaro until they sat. Then,I knelt and said small prayers to thank God for being an answer in times of need. I waited until his PM went to latrine and rushed there.

After greetings, I told him 'We warehuo ni ngai. Ndigiukire guku na maraya iranyua ta Heno. rehe miti iri" (I came here with a trapper drinking like Heno. bring two k). without returning, he handed me two k and told me to grow brains.

I went back to the seat and life returned small. But this time, I was paying cash, not bill, so that atleast, she tell herself to buy a round. Small time, from the two K I had gotten, I was now remaining with a K. And the person was not showing any signs of falling falling.

In my head, I was praying that she checks in my clinic tomorrow of that day, I w'd, atleast cure that her disease of drinking coloniolistic beer without feeling anything. I could easily achieve that by touching her brookie, the touch would send that disease right back to Satan, where it came from. If that fails, I could tell her that the other cure comes by inserting medicine in her tiita. The medicine though, should be inserted within 15 minutes, and must be driven in by a josto. If she can get a josto to insert within 15 minutes of issuance, thats ok. If she cant, then Dagitari will have the pleasure of inserting, at a fee.

To be contd tomorrow..

I remain,

Dr. Wanjohi
EBH, PHD, Senior Gyno, Pyschic.
Clinix Inc.
River Road.

Where Not To Keep Makobosto.

It is suicidal to climb unmeasured persons without makobosto, but it is treason to forget makobosto in your pockets. If you have to climb persons, always use makobosto and if you have a PM, there are rules to be followed on how to store them. If you are married, and you climb people, you might want to read further, because it can happen to you. You might also need a pen and paper if you want to take notes.

Though it is not good to rejoice at problems of your friends, I rejoiced on this one because the person in question originally belonged to me.

There is this person who owns an Mpesa shop in town. I started stories of giants of how I could help her expand her business by injecting small capital, to be repaid in 2030. The person looked at me and told me "wandora wona hana fala e? ungiona muiretu uretikia ati story taicwo ciaku, ni fala. Nie ngereire maundu ine mainge muno wona nginyite haha. Henetio ni arume ngagia hakiri. We njita tunyue njohi na nyama no maundu ma kuhe mbeca tiga" (You have looked at me you saw a fala? If you see any person falling on those stories is a fala. I have passed through so many things, I have been cheated by men, oh, I will give you money, until i grew brains. You call me we drink beer and meat, but stories of giving me money, leave).

I told her I meant what I said, and infact, I even wanted her to born me a baby of boy. She said she is mature enough, to put thuruari on head is not news and should never be news. But stories more than that, she does not want because she hates getting false hopes. She read me until I gave myself shuguli.

In the evening, now assured of muclimbano, I called her to come to Ngara where I was with Akuku and Theuri, Mpesa. When she came, she found me drinking Tusker but because I wanted to appear more sophisticated, I changed to Tusker Malt. She ordered for redwine, though later small, I convinced her to take Caprice instead (because its cheaper to me). From there, beer started to flow, all rounds coming from Akuku. Small time, I started to refuse to know myself.

The bad thing about refusing to know myself is that my devils always shows me to go home, even if I am with a person that looks like two suns.

And Akuku since he knows that, continued to feed me more and more Malts, all on his bill. Akuku and Theuri are like from the same stomach, although they are not related. Their behaviours are like they are from the same stomach.

Now small time, they struck a deal. I cant remember how I left there, but i remember passing by my homepub. I was told that I bought people drinks, even strangers. Tomorrow of that day, I was given a bill of 1800 bob.

Tomorrow of that day, Akuku called us and told us that he has denounced the devil, the persons, people that are friendly to what mucukani likes and all drinks that are frothy.

He told us that when I losted, he was now left with my person. He went to the counter and bought two packets of makobosto. He bought two because in his head, it told him that because to her thutha, and sun like face, and godly behaviour, he will climb a minimum of 5 Jotis. They were well wrapped with an old newspaper. At Bee centre rooms, he was asked his name. He said Maina. George Maina. Akuku, like me, answers to so many names. Some people call him symo, Masha, Akuku and the butcher people call him 3/4 for his fondness of 3/4 meat.

Inside room, he removed one packet of makobost and returned the balance in his pocket. Because he was equally drank, he ramnyad the person one joti only, like what majority of us do. One joti is enough, no need to kill yourself with two or three. The person tried to have him eat another one but it refused to stand. He hurriedly dressed up, dropped the 'hanging' person at her house and went home.

In the morning, at his house, he was woken up by kicks and wails from his pm. When he opened his eyes, his PM was holding a packet of makobosto and a receipt for room, and keys, with very bid keyholder of wood, with no. 29 on it.

He looked at all refused to know what to do. He rose up, thinking of running away for good because death was nigh. Quick thinking, he looked at them and asked his PM 'ici ciauma ku?" (Where did that come from?) Wailing, she said "mumaraya uyu riu ona urenda kunyonia ati kuria uma kuhura umaraya waku? Nie urenda kunjuraga niki? (You trapper, you want to show me where you are now trapping e? You want to kill me ?)

akuku calmly said 'uka thii. niki?

Whatever he tried to say did not make sense. And she could neither listen. The PM could hear nothing. He told Akuku they must go to Bee centre and verify who was at that room. Akuku refused small but when he saw his pm was creating more commotion, he refused what to do. He putted on a clothes and walked with his pm towards the gate. His PM all this long was shouting obscenities at him and wailing loudly. When he saw he was getting embarased too much, he tried to walk faster. His pm realised he was running away. She run after him and held him by the jacket. He freed himself by removing the jacket and run away as fast as he could.

I dont know how the story went after that because when he was narrating that story to us, all our ribs had dried because of laughter and we were all under the table. I will get how it ended today in the evening.

Lesson learnt.

That is what happens when:

You steal a person that does not belong to you
You keep makobosto in your pocket
You keep a receipt of room in your pocket.

To avoid such:

Never keep makobosto in your pocket. When I BUY, I hold them with hands, or I give the person to carry.
Never give your real identity in room. If they insist on names, you can give out a fake name.
If they pass the receipt to you, do not touch it. Leave it at the counter, or take and tear it.
Do not, and I repeat, do not take room keys. leave them at the door. some rooms tells you to drop the key at the reception. Refuse. Tell them to pick it themselves.

I hope I have helped you.

PS: My clinic is now open. The others will be opened once NHIF deposits the money in my account. I am open everyday from 8 pm. I treat persons only, diseases like lack of boy child, failure to get orgasms and related.


I remain

Dr. Wanjohi
Snr Gyno
Klinix International
River Road.

Why Friends In Need Are Friends In Muclimbano.

There are advantages and disadvantages of having friends like Theuri, Akuku and one, Professor. But disadvantages outweighs all the time, like it can be attested by an incident that happened a few weeks ago. We were at a place called Twisters, in Saika estate after Kayole, Eastern province. As we were drinking, I told them that I had one person I wanted to climb, but she looks elusive because she told me she does not drink beer. As you all know, it is almost impossible to convince a person to remove thuruari when you are drunk and she is sober, and you are Wanjohi. Get the drift?. Theuri, as usual told me that that is nothing to him. He told me that he will make the person drink and removes. When the person came, no one could believe. She looked like two suns in one, and had make ups of models, and mouth was small, indicating she had small tiita. When she sat down, even before ordering for a soda or juice, Theuri started, as if it was a continuation of a story "Rekei ndimuire, kairetu kau gokaga, gakanyua o soda, na tumai. Twakera kanyue njohi gakarega. Baadae tukimenya ati ni ma ARFs kanyuaga. Hindio karundite arume kuruda. Twamakire atia, kau ona ndunguaugire ni karuaru. Kuma hindi iyo, ungikaigua muhiki, kana mundu atanyuaga njohi, ukehuga muno. Muno muno mundu ucio akoragwo akinyua ma ARF. Na niui matinyuanagirio na njohi" (Let me tell you, if you see a person used to come, order for soda or water only. If we tell her to drink beer, she says no. Later, we came to know she was taking ARVs, after falling few men. We makad yani, you could not tell. From that day, if i get a person drinking soda, i wary. And you know they dont mix with beer.) As Theuri was narating his giants, I saw the person look at Theuri with vagina of her eyes and refused to know how God could have created such a person like Theuri. In ear, I told her that Theuri was a mental case, she should never worry how he talks. I called waiter and asked the waiter to sell her what she was talking. In loud voice, so that Theuri could hear, she said 'Black ice, moja warm, moja baridi". In heart, i lifted hands and said "Long live Theuri, long live Theuri!!" When I was entering Twisters, I had 2k with me. Beer and devil had already swallowed over 800 bob by the time she came. But i had forgotten that I didn't have enough money with because the person was not in the mathematics of beer. I gave out a K and said as we were. The waiter first refused to leave because the K was not enough for the round. He only went after Akuku shouted at him to go bring and ask for balance later. There there, I started experiencing headache. I refused to know what to do. But I knew, Professor had 80k cash in his pocket after he had brokered something and we all knew that. I called him outside and told him "Riu niwona maraya yakwa ni yoka, na nie ndiri mbia. Ngombera kanyamu tuarie rucio wiraine" (You have seen my trapper has come, and i dont have money. Lend me something, we talk kesho at job) He asked how much i wanted. I did quick mathematics... beer with person, 3k. Room, 1k. To give person in the morning. 1k. Misc. 1k. Quickly, i said "reheeee mitiiiii.. itandatu! Itandatu ni miega" (Bring 6k. 6k is ok). He did not even return. He said it was ok. Instead of giving me the cash there there outside, he held my hand and led me inside again. He went and sat on his seat as i went back to mine. Then, infront of my person, and everyone else, he removed big bundle of notes and counted 6k and gave me. I wanted to shout in despair but said bad is bad, and after all, I had the money i wanted. Though the person did not know if I had been rented the money or it was a debt being paid, she started to look at professor more keenly. Anyway, that is very normal when persons sees money. Again, every time, professor was saying 'ngari yakwa rucio ngamihee ngiri 50. shoko njeru, mbuci, etc" (My car, tomorow, i give it everyting new. Bush, shock new, etc). Small time, Akuku suggested we go near Nairobi. Akuku suggested, 'Ndirenda tuthie Bee centre, tuiretu tuu tuhinguraha pool tungenagia muno. Reke thie ngaturie na maitho" (Lets go to Bee centre, those persons that open pool look like sun and they make me happy). Akuku wanted to eat persons that are written there to open pool, with eyes. Akuku had said that he eats his pm with vigor when he put images of those persons, especially the new ones just written, ripe from the village, not spoilt as yet. When we reached Bee centre, Professor was the first to shout at me to buy beer, but I did myself like i did not hear. From the look of things, he wanted me to finish all the money he had given me so that i eat home. When he saw me not bulging, he said in loud voice "Wee wanjohi gura njohi meni, na indiagukobera miti itandatu o riu. Kai ithirire nguongerere" (Wanjohi, buy beer. I have just rented you 6k. Or is it finished, I add more? I called waiter and said one beer each, let problem live. This time, my person changed from Black Ice to Tusker. She said black ice was making her too drunk. When I was playing pool, I saw the Prof. engrossed on my person too much. With vagina of my eye, I saw him remove a note of a k and handed it to her. Then, I inserted ear more and heard him say "Niui mutongoria thiku ici atigaga ahiki kirafu ario. wiigire kau ga taxi angigutiga" (You know leader leaves persons in clubs these days when he gets drunk. Keep that k, just incase) I wanted to say mbu for having my friend destroy my name, but said , God is watching him. All this time, Theuri and Akuku were watching him. They told me in ear "mundu waku erirwo arenge ihindi arie nyama, arengete kurenga. No to wi murata witu ri, reke akengete, mundu niwe ukuria' (Your person was told to cut bone to eat meat. She has cut bone yani. But, since you are our friend, let prof. crow, you will eat person). But I refused to know how prof. had opened so much that he was the only one now buying. To avert from the imminent threat, I told my person we go to Visa place for Mugithi. Prof. said he will follow us too. At visa, Prof and my person said they were going to the dance floor as i remained playing pool. One hour later, I saw her emerge from out with Prof in tow. I asked her where she was and said she had gone to breath fresh air, because dance floor was too filthy. I chose to believe her, but still refuse to know. Small time, she said she wanted to sleep. I went to Visa Guest house and asked how much. I was told they charge 1500. Like a bargainer I am, i told them that I will pay a K because it was almost morning. Finally, we settled for 1200 + 100 for makobosto that normally goes for 20 bob under normal circumstances. As we were entering room, all my mind was which stylo I was going to climb the person. I looked at her and said she will not escape kwa nyeni if tiita has no sand paper. After she removed clothes, I felt some small smell of muclimbano. I refuse to know. She then rushed fast to the bathroom and showered. When she came from the bathroom, I looked a her tiita. Clean shaven and looked so small, as if there was no hole at all. In my head, I said with such a small hole, kwa nyeni had zero option. To fast forward, I did not lick, only stimulated tiita small with fingers. When I heard wet wet, I inserted makobosto and pointed my josto on her hole. I inserted slowly slowly until it was all in. But it was not like it was in or out. It was like it was in some cold water bottle from fridge. To be fair to the person, the tiita had walls and was tight small, but she tasted like she had been injected with cold blood. I really struggled to pour and wished that time to reach faster than ever. After I poured, I looked for a million and one excuses to leave and left. Tomorrow of that day, my phone could not stop ringing. Akuku and Theuri were all over me. When we met, they first laughed at me because, they told me that my person was climbed twice by the Prof. First time, at Bee centre parking and second, Visa place parking lot as I was playing pool. They told me that they are the ones who assisted at Bee C. Prof. said that if they subaithias me small, and he manages to go climb my person, all beer will be on him, today, tomorrow and Sunday. Akuku or Theuri is next. Next time they come with persons, they will be done kihibirania by one of us, who will be willing to buy beer until morning. From that day, the person never called me until the other day. She asked me why I have losted her like that. I told her that I will call her kesho. If you want to eat my person at Parking kesho, just be where I will be. All you will need to do is flash several thousands notes in open and lend me 6k and most importantly, make sure the persons knows. I remain, Wanjohi wa Kigogoine Mwalimu of Muclimbano

The Cons of Climbing Persons in Their Houses.

Today because is almost end month, and its Friday, I will write something that will make some of you, who are weak hearted to ukia small. I would also not wish you to destroy the money you have hard worked for all this month with persons. You would rather call me we drink that money instead of destroying it. I cant take more than 8. We will beat stories of giants and save. If you dont want to be shown news by these persons, read on.

I remembered this story yesterday because of one man called Theuri. I was with him somewhere near Ruai bypass where he is buying a land. I am telling him that he will be stolen, but he cant hear me. He said of men get lost in many places.

After he showed us the land, we said went to a place called Makuti to have two to remove dust. Small time, he saw his phone cry small. He looked at it, muted it and said 'Shaitani uyu i ndiramirire ndagacoke kuhurira?" (this Shaitan, I told her not to call me again?) We asked him why. He said that she told him that she lives with her sister, so Theuri cannot go visiting. He said that at his age now, he cannot climb in rooms anymore. If a person of out wants his tree, they must own a house where he will climb them from, not lodgings. And since this person said that she lives with the sis, he has not business with her.

A few years back, there was this person through Theuri that looked like two suns combined. Yellow yellow, thutha is not of borrowing and speaks fluent English. Although Theuri is not the person that can throw a person to you just like that, sometimes he is genuine with his throwings. The other good thing about Theuri is that he beautifies your CV to persons. But in the mix of things, sometimes, it ends up hurting you more than good. Like the other day, we were with this persons at Bee Centre, near Kayole, to be fair with places. aOne guy that sells Thuruaris passed with his briefcases of thuauris for sale.

He said to this person in ear 'Nducagure thuruari hau na mutongoria e haha. Cagura ta ithano" (Si you choose thuauris, and the leader is here. He will buy like 5).

The person smilled and beckoned the seller of thuruari to come near. She choose 5. I wanted to cry out loudly when the man that sells those thuruaris extended his hand to me and told me its only a thao. I felt so bad, almost to cry. At that time I am buying somebody thuruaris of a K, my car is lying somewhere with no insurance, even a third party that is almost free. I said, if devil was not bad, that K, plus some few more ks would have been enough to kata a one month third party before i start seeing money. The car has been with no insurance or service for a year. Devil is bad because I was planning to paying this month. Now, I am a k less. Shetani ashidwo!

Back to this story of the person Theuri brought to me, because she looked so hot and did not look like she was the type that can put thuruari on head, I told Theuri to beautify my cv. He told the person 'Riu we, ndiraigua ni uriaga thina. Ugirage ngiri ikumi o mweri kuri mutongoria uyu. Na akorwo nindahenania, auge ndarikuneaga" (I hear you eat problems? Be getting 10k a month from this leader. And if I have lied, let him say he will not be giving you) Though his beautifying was extra ordinary, I knew it was a way of him borrowing beer. I said he gets two two.

When his beer was about to get finished, he started to almost destroy my CV. He told the person, 'Uyu kiria atari kinene no shuma. No wendo ni kumaniriria ona riria kanyiha" (This what he does not have is tree. But true love is to tolerate even when the tree is small).

I told the person that its true, my tree is not so big, but it has some exta ordinary features, like zig zag and a knob. Knob, for those who dont know is something that only people that got circumcised in the village get putted. In other languages, they call it nguati. After all, I told her that I could pull my riang'a with priers to become bigger. Tying it with pegs at night could make it longer, if she wished, I told her.

By the time we had taken 5 beers, she had believed all the lies about me. Theuri was telling her that I could even buy her a car. So that she does not refuse to know why my car was old, yet I could afford to buy her a car, Theuri said that I have many cars, but i have special attachment to that car, like am of devil.

There there, she removed thuruari and putted it on her handbag. When I saw her put thuruari on her handbag, I felt tree push my zip until it destroyed it. The other guys also ukiad until they said we go to town to drink beer that has been brewed completely, unlike of ngara that is brewed faster faster because people of ngara wouldn't mind.

When we entered my old car, I inserted hand small on her skirt, still fearing she will stop me. Then, I realised that I was the leader that could even buy her a car and leaders dont fear persons, persons fear them. I inserted more and felt something like my forehead. No hairs. I falled chair and started to touch tiita. After small time, I remembered that I had been catched by rogue cops of Parklands police that instead of catching thiefs of side mirrows and sidelamps, they look for people climbing inside cars at night. Because I knew she lived in Ngara, somewhere near Hotel Southern blue, I told her we go to her house to drop some stuff she ha with her. I told her that such stuff make thiefs break into cars and if her house was just near there, it was only fair to drop them. As we wer going, she told me that she was in need of 2k. I told her that I will give her, no problem. I am a leader with integrity.

When we entered her house, her housegirl opened the door. She was instructed to go sleep in the bedroom of the boss. There there, I knew this person wanted some actions small in her table room.

By the time she was closing the door to the bedroom, the person had downed my trouser and was sucking my zig like she wanted something to remove from it. She commented that whoever says that my zig is small has never seen small zigs. She also commented that its zag nature was likely to make someone always want it. Again, she was the first person to marvel at my knot. Other persons think that its an abnormal growth, alike a tree that was growing from my tree.

There there, I unbuttoned her browse and started to suck brookie on the side. Sucking should not be the word. Lets so licking on the side. I did not want to suck because I smelled the presense of a baby in that house. After small time, I unzipped her skirt and it falled down freely. What i saw made me want to almost pour. Tiita hole looked so small, until I refuse to know how my zig will enter there. Small dot. Then, her huyos looked extra ordinary. They were small, and looked like they had been permed, like European hair. And the huyos were not black. brownish brownish. Then, they were shaped like a V. not by shaving, but naturally.

I pushed her back and made her her sit on the sofa. I then knelt and inserted my tongue small. Then, I inserted more of my tongue. Then, i searched for tiita with the tongue and when i found it, I pulled it out. I then started to mumunya like lolipop. Occasionally,I would remove tongue and bit the tiita with my teeth, making her say original mbus.

She said mbus and said mbus, until she held my tree and told me to insert. I looked at her with vagina of eye and saw she was not telling me to put makobosto. With my heart, I called her devil pepo baya and removed myself from her hand to insert makobosto.

After makobosto was safely rolled in, I inserted the head of my zig, then removed, inserted and removed. I teased many times, almost making her angry now because she was crying for me to insert all. Then, slowly, I inserted all tree. I tell you that was tiita and a half. Although it cannot reach the level of the person i told you about that had kamonie that felt like had sand paper inside, this tiita was extra ordinary in its own ways. I felt like when tree was inside, it was being tied with a blunder inside that was nyongaring my tree. Ebu try to hold your neck firmly with your hands, like nyongaring yourself. That is the way i felt. On removing and returning, this kamonie had its own stylo. When removing, parts of kamonie was coming out with josto. On returning, those parts returned too. Men, it was good. I enjoyed looking my tree go in, then remove with kamonie. Quite a scene.

I ramnyad and ramnyad and the person said mbus with mo mathematics. Small time, I heard this ka voice from our back "maaamiiii"

On looking, I saw a kipii almost my size standing there. The person pulled a bedsheet covered ourselves, I think the one house girl uses.

The person told the boy "Dadiii.. rudi ukalale. Nakam saa hii. sawa"

Muclimbano has no manngers because i returned tree inside. Because i saw the possibilities of her not allowing me to pour, now that that kapii had interrupted small, I putted figure of her kamonie. I imagined how her kamonie was removing with things. Then, I putted other faces fast enough to pour.

After pouring, she removed makobosto from my tree and panguzad me with a cold towel. We then dressed up.

After dressing up, I removed my wallet to remove two k and give her. On looking at my wallet, it had notes of 100 bob that was not more than 800 bob, with a plus and minus of 10%. Devil had been, for a long time, telling me that I had like 8 k. Kumbe, thaos had turned into 100s miraculously.

I started to sweat because i dint know which lie to give. I asked the person if she wanted to take two more beers we go to town. She said that was perfect with her. She showered fast, then we removed from the house.

I then remembered that I had an ATM. We passed by stima plaza where we have coop bank ATMs that dont finish money fast. I knew in the account, there was something like 4 k or about. When I inserted the ATM, and clicked on check balance first, I got this message "Dear Wanjohi, You have no good head. If you check balance again, I will swallow your card. A check that was issued to your account bounced. We decided to penalize you with a fine of 3400. Your available balance is 394.45"

I felt something go through my head, almost making me faint. I refused to know what to do. I said, then, let me remove the 300 bob, I add with the 800 bob, I give the person a K and lost. When i returned my ATM and keyed withdraw 300 bob,a ka smiling face appeared from the screen that said 'For the last time, remove your card. This is not Equity. The minimum you can remove from this ATM is 500 bob. But so that you dont become nuisance to other ATMs, kindly check your card in your branch, Nyeri after two weeks!".

After small time, my head reminded me that I was a mafia, if everything else fails. I picked phone and called Theuri. I told him to bail me out with 5 k. He said 5 k is to say bad. Akuku was in Zimmerman and no one else could help me at that time.

I said, lemmi go to town, I might see someone who knows me, and might bail me out, like what happened sometimes back when a person appeared in Magomano when i had only 600 bob left. She took two black ices, the rest of the story you know it.

I parked on the Ambassador side and told the person we go to Hornbil and drink two. As I was walking, i was looking all over to see if I can see anyone that knows me or hear a Subaro passing. Chances are, if its a Subaru, I know the owner, from Sir chaos to Mpesa and many others.

We entered Hornbil and wented upstairs and sat there. On looking around, I didnt see anyone that knows me. Only people like Kiama who did not know me then. With 800 bob with me, it was enough to buy drinks but this person was in real need of the two k. I said bad is bad, I will lost away. It was the only option. And leader cant say he has no money.

I asked the person if she was hungry. Very fast, she said yes. I told her we go downstairs and put meat of burnt. As we were taking the stairs, she did not see me again. I removed like lightening and run out.

Lucky for me, this person had not borrowed my contacts. There was no facebook then, so she could not search for me. But as fate would have it, after two months or so, we met with the person eye to eye in the street of Nairobi. I smilled at her and tried to explain what transpired on that day. Though she was not in the mood to my stories of giants, I gave her 500 bob and told her to go eat lunch. But I made a mistake. I told her where she could find me in my joints at Rifa rori. That 2k I refused to give her, later I paid with more than 20k. Everytime, she would pass and borrow one k, two k, or so and many more drinks. But I never had an opportunity to climb her again. I was too ashamed to borrow.

If it were you, what would you have done?

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

What The Beer You Drink Says About You!!

This is is a very serious research. I was not meant to share, but since I am bored, it might help you to know yourself small.  This research was conducted from year 2003 - 2011. I stand to be corrected, as well as to be rewarded.

Tusker
Tusker drinkers are superior and think highly of themselves. They care too much of what other people think about them and want to appear perfect. They also tend to be take-charge types with strong opinions, and sometimes, confrontational. Tusker drinkers are 60% more likely to pick a trappers than an average girl.

 

 

Pilner 

Don't easily get carried away, don't like authority and there’s something confident with Pili drinkers. Persons of out expect pilsner drinkers  hold a lengthy conversation with them. Pilsner drinkers are 50% more likely to eat a person without makobosto, but will not remember  or care about it until the person will call from a Hospital, 9 months later with this words 'congratulations, you are a dad!'

Pilsner Ice
It’s presumed either:
* They don’t have a job
* An alcoholic
* Or Both.
Any person with a good head remembers this old adage "You can love a rich man as well as a poor man. they can all make good husdands, depending on your age" 98% likely to attract persons with 4 - 5 kids, all born out of wedlock.

White cup Lager

More likely to spend time thinking about beer rather than work. They are more open-minded than most people, seek out people with interesting and varied experiences and are intellectual.

 

White cup light
If you are a White cup light drinker, you’re practically holding a sign that reads, “I have good taste and I am well oiled. But I’m exhausted from my high-paying job, or my  successful business. Please keep your distance'. It’s wise to only drink Whitecup light if you’ve got such broad shoulders, wear designer suits and have natural charm, otherwise, people will refuse to know because its not for everybody. Women are likely to avoid this group because they dont give a damn.

Tusker Malt

Gives an impression of a  confident and intriguingly adventurous guy. Men that drink this appear sensitive to women. Women that drink that show class.  If a person gets you drinking that,  you can pretty much guarantee she'll put thuruari on head. 50% likely to attract educated person of out.

Guinness Kubwa

Guinness implies to a woman that you’ve got the machizmo to at least, ride her for 6 hours non stop. Guinness drinkers take everything for granted. Due to their ability to tolerate the bitter taste of Guinness, they auger well with intolerant women. Women knows that and they are 32% more likely to stay with a man that takes Guinness. On the other side of the spectrum, women Guinness Kubwa drinkard are more likely to have had abusive relationship.

Summit

Unless you are with your usual, unless are very very rich and people know that, try to avoid Summit if you want to meet persons of out. It repels women. In regard to how they relate with others, drinkers of Summit accept everyone and generally easy to get along with. Drinkers of summit is likely to succeed in business than an average person.

 

 

Black ice

Black Ice drinkers profile as lacking in carefulness. Fairly nondescript, because a large collection of young persons and few confused men and  depressed mamas drink Black Ice. The drinkers have horrible cooking skills, but are easy to appease in a relationship.
People who drink Black Ice are 105% more likely than an average person to be climbed on the first date and 77% more likely not to tell you when there is month. They are 99% more likely to tell you to send them money for hair by mpesa.

Redds

They seek out the company of others. Redds drinkers socialize more and are fun people to be with. A Redd's patients are 200%  more likely to drink  KC or other cheap hard liquor when  alone or waiting for a buyer than an average person.  A drinker of Redds is oweful in bed and is 77% more likely than an average person to call you at night, even if they are aware that you belong to someone else.

Heineken and other colonialistic drinks

They look down upon the common man’s beers and believes they are exceptional and have high self-esteem and is attracted to luxury products.  A Heineken drinker is 50% more likely to own an I phone 4s, even if they have zero computer knowledge. They are also energetic and dynamic and enjoy being both the center of attention and in the middle of the action. Have a 99 % chance of telling you, three months later, "I am confused, I dont if to remove the stomach or not"

  Whiskey 

 They like to make impressions.. like "I can comfortably drink this more expensive option, with the ability to also look like I have a good job and don't live in Kinoo.. or Kawangware. Most whiskey drinkers have big tummies. A drinker of this brand, if woman, is likely to tell you that Dr. Nyamu increased his fees and the more earlier she sees him, the better.
 

 

Wine... 

 They are image conscious who think bottle is for the weak and hos.  After chips and chicken, drinkers of wine will make their legs turns into a chicken thigh in a matter of minutes. A drinker of wine is 114% more likely, than an average person to to insist on rolling down makobosto on your josto herself than allow you to do it yourself.

Kibao Vodka (made in Kariobangi)

Common among the poor, University of Nairobi students and those who want to  pissed on themselves quickly and cheaply. Drinkers of this brand are 1000% more likely to initiate a fight over nothing and 300% more likely to go to uptown bars  after 11PM when Madhuka closes. 

Brandy 

 Very friendly and what is more agreeable about this is that they expect their peers to take nothing else apart from what they take... viceroy. They love to share.  A Brandy drinker is 90% more likely to borrow phone number of their pal's girlfriends. Most popular with retirees, lawyers, teachers (lectures mostly) and people that spend more time talking to clients. 

Kingfisher.

 They have questionable taste and are generally confused in life. They have no goal in life and got a D in Mathematics. The irony of course is that they put thuruari on their handbag after the 3rd drink. A Kingfisher drinker is 60% more likely than an average person not to seek a drinking buddy on  the first encounter.

Johnnie Walker

 

 Like to party, believe “life is too short to drink cheap” Likely to attract persons that want sugar daddies or clever trappers. Its makes it very hard for this group to attract good persons because by the time a decent person comes in , a trapper will have spotted the drinker of JW and snatched the drinker.

 Kenya Cane aka KC.

They know everything that happens within 2km radius. They will know where all vacant houses are, who climbs who, who has not paid rent,  which school is cheapest, who is building what.. etc. 80% more Likely than an average person to fight the bouncer after the 2nd quarter. People that drink KC abhor spending. Most of them drink it from home or backstreet pubs, like Madhuka, then migrate to decent bars, only to drink one beer and fall asleep. 

Beer Whores

For these people that have no loyalty to any brand.. or will drink today spirit, tomorrow brandy, tomorrow of that day beer, they are a confused lot and spend more time thinking about beer in one day than 100 million of us combined spend an year  thinking about muclimbano. They are more likely to support a team that lose perennially, like Arsenal. They are opposite of day dreamers, criticize everyone, and hates politics.  They are more likely not to participate in voting. 

And finally, 

Juice Drinkers in bars

People who Delmonte in bars are 199% more likely not to loosen up. They see all issues as black and white. They are 65% more likely to commit suicide due to boredom than an average person.

People who take Delmonte in bars are 53% more likely to get pregnant on first encounter. They will also do nothing about it (Like buying Postinol 2). Due to their social conservative nature, they  wish away or pray that its not stomach, even when they start vomiting every morning.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine, PHD. 

Senior Researcher,

River-Road Inc.

The Curse of Excessive Drinking

Although Wanjohidaily remains closed, once once, I can give you stories of giants, like this one.

I told you how my old car used to show me news, but i have never told you what beer has shown me, atleast the other side of the coin. You only know how they get climbed after beer but not the bad ones.

If you remember, thuruaris used to literally fly off of persons of out when I cruised around places with the old car.  Normally, "Old" and "Car" is not something most of us would want to talk about, atleast not in the same sentence. If you put them in the same sentence, you are as well saying that your middle name is 'I love trouble big time". But my old car made me eat persons and you know several of them stories.

Today's is about beer. Beer has shown me news. Bad and bad news. I am not trying to discredit beer drinking. Drinking is biblical. Only excessive is not so good. First of all, if you're leading your life in such a way that you don't drink.. atleast even wine, congratulations, you are a monkey.  Jesus did not turn water into wine because he was bored, or he had run out of ideas. He could have, as well turned it into Delmonte juice, or Keringeti. Delmonte and Keringeti are expensive and those guys would have been very happy to partake such expensive stuff in a weeding. But he chose wine. Because its cool and it makes you say things you cant say when not under the influence.

Long time ago, we went to a place called Kenol. We had gone there to look for the Chairman of CDF because we wanted to get contract to build roads like Mushina.  For those who dont know Kenol, it is the place where old people reach. In my language, if you call a person "muthee" here in Nairobi, they tell you, "muthee me Kenol" (old people are in Kenol), meaning, if one is in Nairobi, it is bad to call them old. Old people don't reach Nairobi, they reach Kenol. Long time, Kenol used to be called Kino until some leaders from Central, including the father of Uhuru protested.

After failing to get the contract to build, atleast even a bridge, Theuri put this song on the car stereo... I gotta get drunk by Willie Nelson (You must be over 50 to enjoy this song. We used to listen to it when we were in our 20s, long before some of your were born. 'nanana.. I gonna get dunk. Cant stay sober. nananna... spend my whole paycheck on some old wreck..and bro.. I can name a few.. nanannaa... Doctors tell me i gota  slow down.. but there are old drunks than there are old doctors... nananan so i gota get drunk and i sure dread it..". There there, we said we are dreading entering bars, but sure we gotta take two for the road.

After a few minutes, some persons that looked like sun, more so their thutha, entered and sat two tables away from us.  We did not take much interest until they ordered half Viceroy.  We looked at each other and filled for ourselves that they were not trappers. Trappers cant order viceroy. Atleast not half. They order sodas and wait for men to come near them and start buying them beer.Again, this were not the kind Nelson was taking about .. they were not old wreck.

When our meat of burnt came, we told the washer of hands to also wash them. Although we expected them to refuse, they did not refuse. After, we told them to come near fire to eat and drink. Fire of out is not basked from far.

Since the persons were two and we were 4, Theuri said that whoever want a person should buy them beer. I removed myself because I knew Theuri is a kabia mwaniki (Rat mwaniki), he wanted to lost from buying but later, you will refuse to know where you person has gone after buying until morning. Akuku and another guy that does not know Theuri well said he will arranged himself.

After we started to get drunk, Theuri started his giants stories. Although the persons were laughing at his stories, they were not removing their grip on the buyers of water, a sign that they were watu wajanja.

After we drank enough, we said that we cannot drive all the way to Nairobi at night. We said we look for a place to put head until tomorrow. The persons said that they knew one good hotel.

We entered the car and Akuku and the other guy started to kiss small. After that 'small' time,  we were woken up by sun that was burning us from up. The persons were not there and on searching ourselves, we had nothing. Mobile phones, wallet, everything, including an expensive jacket I had just bought, not in exhibitions, but in Shina. A verry unique jacket.

At first, we thoughted that one of us was trying to play a trick on the rest of us. After thinking and thinking, and remembering that we left the put few minutes past mid night, we knew we had been stolen by the persons. Either they putted medicine in small quantity or, we were extremely drunk.

We had no phone, not even one cent and no means of communicating. The petrol we had was not even enough to reach Kabati where the most annoying police in Kenya puts road block.

We tried to think who we could call from Nairobi for rescue. Of all the people we knew, no one knew their telephone numbers offhead. By good luck,  Theuri remembered one guy. We borrowed phone from a shop to call. Since there was no mpesa then, we instructed the guy to come with two thousands for the rescue mission.

The guy took his sweet time and reached at around 4. He found us so hungry and angry. We first abused and read him small for keeping us like vihees waiting. To apologize, he said he will buy 3 3. We went to the same place to see if we could trace the persons that put medicine on u.

Beer is of devil. Although we were sad for being stolen, I saw two beautiful persons. Having nothing to loose after all, we had been stolen everything the previous night, I followed them and started to beat stories of giants with them. I told them how we were stolen. They told me Kenol is mambo bad at time. We had not bathed the whole day, so, i guess i was smelling small, because they were listening to the stories with their noses closed.

In the meantime, the buyer of beer had finished money. They wanted us to go home. They searched for me all over until they gave up. Theuri said that maybe,  i had been closed by one of the ladies. They said i will arrange myself since i was in safe hands of a person of out.

When i went downstairs, the waiters asked me where i had been to since  i had been looked for all over.  I told them that i was upstairs talking to some persons. She said they had looked for me all over. I refused to know what to do. I had no phone and I dint know the phone number offhead of the guy that had come to rescue us from Nairobi. There there, i knew i had been climbed kwa nyeni.

I went back to the persons, just to see if any will die sorrow for me. They felt for me and asked me what i will do. I told them that i will sleep in the bar. They held their chin and said that all bars close at 1 am there. One person said that i drink one as we waited for the club to close.

After club closed, the persons felt for me and told me since they cannot leave me to sleep out, i go with them at their home. I lifted my hands up small to thank God for the miracle. My tree also standed small because i knew there were chances of me climbing in the most unlikely quarters.

When we started to walk towards their home, in Makenji, i refused to know if they had bought makobosto.  I almost asked but said bad is bad. Makenji, is an equivalent of Mathare or Korogocho. Now imagine walking to Korogocho at night.

 As we were walking, they talked how thieves first climb people kwa nyeni at Makenji and sorounding areas. I feared more but said if the thiefs strike, they will climb them first and i will have a chance to run away before they finish with the persons.  Before i could finish my thinking, one of them said, that even if they get you with your person, they first climb the man. I wanted to cry but restrained myself. One of the ladies started to say how one thief she knows  was telling them how he climbed one guy whose car had broken down near Makenji. He said that when climbing, he inserted his tree kwa nyeni. When he removed, the thiefs tree  looked like how a taribo looks like when digging a hole. mud mud on the side. I prayed more.

We walked and walked and due to many beers i had taken and my drunkenness, i felt like urinating. I stopped to urinate and when i finished I could not see the persons. They had disappeared. I called them in loud voice but no one answered. There there, i knew I had been losted.

I refused to know what to do. Was it to go back or what. We had walked for over 5 km. I remembered the thieves and canceled the option of walking back to Kenol. I said bad is bad.  I better sleep in the bush and risk snake than kwa nyeni.

I went to a ka bush and sat there , waiting for morning to come. As i was sitting, dogs were coming, running, and on seeing me, they would hit emergency break and turn away. I refused to know why they were not barking at me. Later, I came to know that they are used to people hidding in bushes. Thiefs. And they know that those thiefs dont carry legs of chicken or bonoko. They carry real gun. Again, I heard that they were also used to so many guys hidding in the bush after drinking makari. But since those dogs did not want to risk if i was thief or drunkard of makari, they gave themselves shuguli.

The other things that was making me feel that it was the sure end of me was snakes. I then remembered that if you fold two of your right hand's  fingers, you immobilize snakes remotely. I prayed to God to keep off the thiefs. I told God that I can keep off the snakes by folding my fingers, but thiefs, he is the only one who can keep them away. I told God that if morning reaches, all the glory and honor shall be his. I told God that I will forever bless him. I also told him that if i reach Nairobi safely, tomorrow of that day, I will glorify his name. I told God to remember only one good thing i have ever done. Not two but one. I reminded him one how i give offering at Muiru's, a woman I once gave fare near bus station among others.

My prayers were answered. No thief came. When morning came, almost 6 am, I removed from the bush and started walking towards Kenol. Just before reaching Kenol, donkey tired, I saw beat an emergency break and stopped. Then, a guy from the car shouted 'Wanjohi nikii ureka guku, kai ugurukaga?"

On looking, it was a guy that we drink together at Magomano and Grace villa. A very oiled guy that specializes on stealing other people's persons.  I first knelt down and thanked God for the miracle. I told God that he is faithful because he hears prayers of those that believe.

I run towards the car and told him to open car I sleep small first. I told him that I had a very long sad story, only possible in a movie and cant talk about it until I catched sleep small. He insisted and told me I look hungry and haggard. When I heard food, I opened up and told him the whole story, starting Friday to Saturday to that morning. Instead of crying for what had happened to me, he was being collected under the table. He then told me we go back to Kenol, he buy me breakfast.

After breakfast, he then told me to accompany him to his shags, some few km from Kenol. That is where I had an opportunity to bath and sleep small. At around 4, we went back to Kenol and started to drink again.

As we were drinking, I made sure that I was not removing eyes from him, lest he disappears too.  Even when he was going to the latrine, I made sure that I followed him closely.

After he saw I was not sad anymore, he told me that from there, he has devised a way to snatch persons from me. He said he will be beating my persons that story of how i slept in the bush. This guy is another one. I told you he specialises in snathing other peoples persons. He never enter bar with persons and when he does, he comes with people that are worse than toothless. When he sees you with a good person, he whips notes of thousands, like a hundred k folded together. He would then tell the person 'nduke urenge ihindi urie nyama" (Cut bone to eat meat). No person of Nairobi with good head can resist to cut bone.


I think next time, I will tell you how we once drew for him to be stolen by persons  of medicine so that it can be a lesson to him and people with tabias like his.


I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Unbeatable offer!!!

Dear friends,

Toshiba satellite Laptop. Good as new.

I am selling my Laptop. Perfect condition. Good as new. I recently stopped using this Supermachine after i stopped posting my daily blogs.

If you want to be noticed, or you want to stand out from the crowd, look no further than this modern laptop. Imagine flashing this machine out at Riviera when having your favorite. You will turn into babe magnet.. literally. I can guarantee that. I have climbed several, one most recently, i fetched from one (deleted) Coffee shop. If your idea of impressing chicks is to buy them drinks, try this first and stop wasting your money on drinks. You will be amazed with the results.

SPECS:
486 Pentium (upgradable to 586)
16kb cache
8MB Ram (have removed the extra 8mb ram. Add 500 bob if you need the extra Ram)
500 MB hard drive
Floppy Drive working.
Windows 95 with license key.

Kshs. 20,000 or best offer. Cash is fine. You can as well PayPal me directly.
I am waiting for your call...NOW!


(The day I bought this laptop. Incase you cant recognize any, I know two chaps here. Wryre and Big Ted.)

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Wanjohidaily is Shutting Down

Good day ladies and gentlemen.

After careful considerations and consulting widely, I have decided to close this blog.

It has been a year and few months since i started this blog. Leaving this blog is a quite bitter moment. I thank the readers that have been following my posts and leaving all the comments, its so appreciated.

Secondly I’d like to thank www.Februaryit.com for hosting wanjohidaily.com for its entire duration of its time online, it was great being hosted there.

In the meantime, check on that youtube below.

EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION!! ICC Case Witness Number 4 Withdraws Statement.



I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine

Persons Of Out Of Today

It is evident that to get a good person of out that can make a pm these days in Nairobi is like saying we have oil in Isiolo. Not oil in pumps, but underground. Somehow, there is and somehow, there is not. To get is the problem.  That is why i feel so much for young people searching for pms. Their tiitas look like they have share button and like button. Anyone can like or share their tiitas.

I am not trying to paint a dim picture here, but I have been around for sometimes and i can attest that persons of nowadays are not what we used to have during our times. I cry for the young men because most persons of this days, majority walk with thuruari on head. And those that dont walk with thuruari on head put it on head as soon as two or there black ices passes through their throat.

The other day, I saw a person that looked like sun. You cant even imagin. She was walking limping. When i asked why she was limping, I was told in ear "karaguriiruo njohi ira ni mundu, arafu aragakua.  ona gatiraririkana nu. Kahuritwo bobo cia kwa nyeni' (She was boughted water jana by a person, then he carried her.  She does not even know the person.

During our 'youth', persons that used to put rice on peoples drinks were old momos, exclusively at citrus and sabina joy. This days, persons that put medicine all look like sun, and majority of them are college and university pupils, and the rest, work in salons. And to make it worse, they are all persons of people. There is  a man somewhere that says, 'my girlfriend is a pupil at xyz uni"

I am saying this because, even those that were married yesterday, they dont say so in public.

This lack of announcing has put some of us in situations, we would not ordinarily ever want to find ourselves in. I told you that i cant climb someone's pm knowingly. Their lack of announcing has led me several times to find myself in the middle of their legs. Who to blame?

This is how it happened. As you all know, most of my activities are centered along rifa rori.

As i told you before, there is a golden rule when a new person is written job in those stalls.  The golden rule is, you jump on a new person so fast before cobwebs have been removed. Fast enough before she knows that they can make so much money from men before removing thuruari.

You see all those persons that looks like sun in those stalls? When they first reported to those exhibitions, they looked like something funny.  Putting on sports shoes with skirts, putting thurari that show line,  not knowing that Redds is beer and also, believing that wakigogoine can keep you.

I remember one person Theuri blames me upto today for spending a whooping 8k on clads alone.  She looked like sun from far, but shags mundu, especially when it came to dressing.  I took him to a place and convinced him to buy her some nice clads (from a person i wanted to climb). After he bought, he only ate her for two times. After that, men had started to queue, showing her more happy than Theuri even did.  As we are talking, she is now a pm to someone, but she still shares her things with friends and mutual friends.

The other disadvantage of letting a new persons stay long enough before climbing in rifa rori is, they will be told by other persons who've been there long enough that you are of childish. I told you of one person that called her friends to come meet her 'man', none other than yours truly. The persons laughed on the side when they were shown me because they knew me like palm win.  Tomorrow, they asked her "Ati, uratuirire ucio murari nake nu? (Who did you tell that person you were with is?). The person said 'some  sweet guy called wanjohi. Her new found love, a sweet man that is going to even set a shop for her once she learns how to do business in exhibitions". They were being collected under the table laughing. They then told her  "uui. wi thutha ta mbathi ya riakanau. ucio ni mumaraya wa mundurume. Aingira karima kau gaku ndukamuona ringi " (uui, you are back like Riakanu buses. That is a trapper of man. Once he enters your hole, you will never see him again). Now, to avoid such situation, the best thing is to pounce on a person long before your name is destroyed.

That is why when  this person was written, I pounced on her so fast before she was told I am a trapper of man. She looked like sun. Tall, just a little malnourished, thutha very good, yellow yellow and to cap it all, yes, a Cambodian.

First first days, i closed one eye on her. She smiled. Same week, i behaved like a very good man and boughted her lunch two days. chips and chicken from Kenchick, not "Munyiri ships  and shicken along Luthuri". Same week, I told her that I wanted to take her somewhere, she will eat and drink until she felt enough. Its not easy to say no to the leader especially where you will eat and drink.

On sato, my tree standed the whole day, just by looking at the person and believing that my tree will sleep inside her tiita.  In the evening, I hooked up with Theuri and the crew. As usual, Theuri has one with no teeth. It kind gave me fear because, I feared he might snatch her. But I was more confortable because, she did not understand or speak Greek. Theuri looks on the other side if a person does not understand Greek because he says he does not like speaking english or sheng.

This time, we did not go to magomano. We went to Grace villa when a guy that usd to sing Mugithi with Piano. As we gave the person water, i realized that she was not drinking fast enough as i would have wanted. You know how we laugh on the side when person start refusing to know themselves. Refusing to know means thuari on head.  For you to be guaranteed thuari on head, you must feed the person enough water.

Just before 11, she told me that she does not like getting late. This told me that  she does not sleep out, which meant that she does not get climbed often. I felt good.

She asked me to drop her off to her hood in (deleted).

We walked to the car, same spot i told you before, where police wait for people that climbanas in the car.  Once in the car, we started to talk small as I tried to persuade her to remain another one hour or so. I putted car on fire and before driving off, I pulled the person to kiss small. the person was like waiting for that. We kissed and kissed until i switched off the engine.

Once in the car,  I tried to look calm as my tree started to test the strenth of my zip, just by imagining that there was some possibilities of me climbing this person.  Without uttering a word, I ran my fingers over her hand , just to test waters if she will get on heat or rather, if she has thuauri on head.

As we kissed, she puled herself to me and kissed me passionately. She took her hand and put it on tree, rubbing it small small and feeling the zig zag nature of it. I then  pulled her close to me and ran my hand her thigh and unzipped her trouser, then forced my hand to feel if tiita was wet. Involuntary, or rather by reflex action, she pulled her trouser and thuruari  and threw them on back seat.

There there, i jumped on her brookie and started to suck as the other hand worked on her tiita. When inserting finger, i felt kinda resistance. In my head, it telled me that she had only been climbed once by a little boy.

I then reached down and flipped the knob that slid the seat back far enough, then  climbed over and positioned myself above her. She  opened her legs, putting one leg in the driver's seat and hanging the other one on the dashboard.

Since seeing tiita is believing, it is only when she putted legs like that tht I rolled down makobosto, and believing she was a virgin, I told her in ear, "sweerie,  its going to  hurt small, but i will do my best not to hurt you. Your kamonie appears so small"  She did not appear interested in my stories , she  just looked like she was dying to have me insert my josto on her kamonie.

 On inserting my tree, I felt it go inside without any resistance. I refused to know how a tiita that had only been climbed by a small boy could allow my zig zag enter with no resistance. I however told myself that she was extremely lubricated, that was the reason.

I pumped and pumped but the beer in me and her many waters made my tree resistance to  any utam coming from her tiita.  Immediately, devil entered  me and whispered to me "burst makobosto deliberatively, after all, it was long since she was climbed". 

I stopped pumping and kissed her small. I then, i said I dont listed to devil. To burst is not good. I better ask for permission to remove. I told her in ear "Swirrie, nitoe cd?"

The person did not even waste one second. She replied 'Unaona aje?" I said 'naona nitoe"."toa basi" she replied .

Before she finished saying that, I removed makobosto and threw them on dashboard. I know most of out are saying "how could you?". I talk the truth. Where i dint remove, i say i didnt remove. Where it burst, i say it burst. Where i pour fast, i say so. Its wrong but I removed.

I then returned my tree, slowly on her tiita until all of it finished inside. I drilled and drilled. Before, she was not saying loud mbus, only small fake ones.  Now, she started to say mbus in loud voice  "uuuii aaaahhh sssss uuuu nanguvu.. waaa aaaa".

I ramnyad person until she poured, long before i did. After she poured, i forced myself to pour and poured. For those refusing to know how to force yourself how to pour, there are two ways. One, put a picture of a person that looks like sun. It does not work always though. The other way, is to stretch yourself, very hard, all body, as if you are looking for muscle puul. Pour will come out, guaranteed.

After I poured, I started to regret how I ramnyad like that. But still, something in my head was telling me that she had only been ramnywad long time ago.

After that, we drove to her hood. When we reached near her home, I first refused to know because , the flats i was dropping her lives policemen. I told myself that, maybe, it was her dad who was a police, or she was staying with a relative that is police. I hardly ask a person of out where and with who she stays with, rest, she tells me she stays alone and has not paid her rent. Its better not to ask than be sorry.

Following weekend, she told me that she liked my zig zag and wanted to taste it again.  This time, I climbed in a room and with makobosto. True story. Although she refused to know why, I had started seeing her talk and smile to male customers and others. After i finished first joti, now relaxing to see it any miracle can come and i see second joti, I asked her if her dad is a police. She said no. She asked why. I said its becuase where i dropped her, it is police that lives there. She laughed and said "ni mzee. tunakaa huko na mzee"  . Since my treewas  started to regain standing ovation, I asked "What? are you married? At such young age?" She laughed and said she has a baby that is 7 years.

Later, I was tempted to eat again, until she started clicking on share button to many others. Later, her hubby removed her from exhibition and took her to college. I dont know where she went, but she is still clicking share, i guess.

That is why I refuse to know, this persons of these days, who go help them well well? Complete well well.  A beg.

I remain,

Wanjohi wa Kigogoine