Thursday, October 17, 2013

Lifting Majonie Up Up Part 1

Two weeks ago, I promised to beat you a story of how I lifted a "Johnie" up up" at Sportsman's Arm in Nanyuki. Well,I didnt beat you the story because of some reasons related to Alshabaab. But today I will.

Majonie, for those who dont know, are those Europeans KDF guys that come to Nanyuki to do combat training. The Johnies once they come do themselves so much and take over Nanyuki, especially Sportsmans Arm hotel as it is their an extension of the UK embassy. If you cross their lines, they beat you like a baby. If they love your persons, they will beat you up in front of your persons and you can do nothing. They are so stupid, they cant know that we were there even when there was Bucaneer club where we used to dance when Keith Sweat was saying.

Now, lifting Johnie up up was a result of issues related to persons. Its a long story but I can try and shorten it small or start from the beginning so that you can know where I was coming by lifting a very dangerous Johnie up up.

There was this persons who, since 2010, had evaded putting it on head for me. She would drink my dogogio and before she could get eaten well, she would lost. It became a routine until I started to evade her, but once in a while, she would show up, I would try to borrow again, but she wold not put it on head for the leader again until I gave up completely on ever climbing her.

And its not that she was the kind that reserve it for future husbands or ants. No. She was a regular putter of it on head for other men except me. She did not refuse other men but me, I was seeing it either with heart or on clothes. And its not that she had heard with rumour that I was a trapper of man. No. She had been climbed by worse trappers than me.

One day we were beating dogogio with her and I asked her what I lack that she vowed never to put it on head for me. She telled me that if I wanted her to put it on head, I should buy her a fridge. I threw saliva out and refused to know if it has stairs or if it will stick in my josto so that anytime it standed, it would start climbing behind the scenes, even when swinging bells in River road.

I was refusing to know what premium value it had in excess of what Maura and I get when we go to massage parlors where we pay an average of 1500 (PS: BREAKING NEWS: That Buru Massage we go has upped the price since VAT came. It is now 2000!!! I had gone there with 2000 only in my pocket, the one doing me massage telled me "u know the price? I saided 1500. She saided 1500 with no massage, with massage, its 2000. I telled her I am a customer. She telled me Rent and cost of living has upped. So, I refused to know, if its just pouring, I would rather go to Luthuli and it is 300 bob, or wiat until night and go to Egessa, though with a risk of being stolen. So I saided, sawa, do both and walked home. But that persons who did me massage on that day was of Illuminati. confirmed true!! On both her laps, she was drawn two satans with horns facing front. So, when she putted legs at 140 degrees, I was trapped between two satans. Please, I did not like it oh)

I however promised her that I will buy her a second hand fridge from shylocks of her Kasarani Estate. There are many shylocks in every estate where people go to hang things when their pockets have dried or when they have drinked all money before end month.

But in head, I was telling her that she saw me at night, the only thing she will ever eat from me is by stomach and mouth. And anyway, if I had that extra money, I would throw it to Kamuti the co owner of Kigogoine Fashions so that he can add stock of clothes from Germany and Turkey.

About a week later, I was beating dogogio with Theuri at Gloria hotel when she called and telled me she has seen a good fridge at her hood's shylock that was costing 25k. She asked how I see. I telled her no problem, if she like, good. She telled me when to buy and telled her to wait small.

When I cutted phone I telled Theuri "Gashaitani ke hau kanguaga ta keino. Ati ndikagurire friji na nikaregire kuruta thuruari. Ta njira uria ngukaruma?" (Another satan there carry me like tiita? She wants me to buy her a fridge and she refused to put it on head. Ebu tell me what to abuse her?)

Theuri laughed small, then beated lips and saided "Iko uguo munene i, twi dugu, nima? (Do, this leader, we are friends, true?)

I saided like satan. He then telled me in ear "Iko uguo i, tuongithie mibera, nie na maraya yakwa kinya kiroko, na nie ngukuonia undu uguika, ukuria pipo iyo free, guarantee" (Do, this, buy me and my trapper dogogios until morning, and in turn, I will show you a guaranteed way you will eat that persons for free"

I trust Theuri when it comes to issues related to persons persons. We dont joke on such a serious issue.

He then telled me, "Why dont you go with that persons to Luthuli or supermarket and buy a fridge, but dont pick same day. Cite transport or any other logistics. Tomorrow of that day, go pick the fridge (without her) and sell it on Soko Kuu or sell to Shylocks at a very great loss? Si your problem is the aftermath feeling of pain when you imagin a persons is cooling beers of other men in her house in a fridge you boughted?

I thoughted of Soko nyeusi where I see people selling all manner of stuff and head telled me if I advertised, I would get a buyer fast because someone know reads my stories might die of mercy and buy it because it is me selling They might think thats the best way to repay me for writing stories of giants for free. There there, I knelt down to thank God for creating such an intelligent man like Theuri. Before I finished kneeling, he telled me

"Amba utige muhahi. Tiga kuhika muhahi ta ruharo. Muraya wa tata Susana arutaga wira ku?" (Stop excitements. Stop hurrying excitement like diarrhea. Tell me, where does Muraya of Aunt Susana?"

I saided XXX supermarket.

He continued "Do you know you can draw with him, you buy a fridge from there but dont pick same day. Tomorrow, say you have changed mind, citing bad reviews on the internet and ask for change of item or refund. He can easily organize to liaise with accounts so that a credit note is raised and in 3 days, you will have all your money back, 100%. You will only give him small money, like 5k"

I felt round round due to happiness. I telled Theuri because of him thinking like 5 men, I will put full tank AKUKU's Noah that can carry upto 10 people, to take us to and back Nanyuki tomorrow of that to get 180 putted outside Nairobi.

We called MPESA to come with us and Akuku got very happy because he had a persons who also had refused to put it on head for him and Nanyuki was the most ideal for her to put on head. MPESA saided he cant carry a persons from Nairobi while Nanyuki had all varieties that any man would die to climb.

There there, I called the persons and telled her if I should send her 25k to buy second hand, or if we can go buy a new one from a supermarket. However, it was just measuring her devils because even if she saided I send, she want second hand, I would not have sended.

She saided we go to supermarket. I telled her we meet at XXX as early as 11 AM. I then telled her if she would mind we go to Nanyuki after we boughted to eat happiness there. She siaded she loves Nanyuki to death.

The following day, armed with 21k in cash and 51k in mpesa, all with no use, I called her and already, she was at the rendezvous.

We inserted inside the branch of the XXX supermarket until 3rd floor where things of kitchen and fridges and cookers are kept. Earlier, I had called Muraya of Aunt Suzana and telled him my plot. He advised me to choose a fridge which we will later say we change to another brand so that it will not be possible to carry same day if she insisted on taking it home first.

She looked at all the fridges and choose one LG going for 35k. When she saw I had no worry, not asking her to choose a cheap cheap one, she asked if she can take a Micro wave. I almost telled her it causes cancer, then remembered that I was only buying her with heart, or shadowry, or in a movie, not in real life. I telled her to pick her choice. She picked one going for 8k.

I telled her if she had shopped all she wanted and saided yes. She then asked me "Sweerie, ama nichange nichukue ire (pointing at a slightly large going for 41k).

I telled her that all day was hers and I will go any mile she wants me to. We telled the attendant to change to that and he wrote the details of it on a paper and handed it to us to go pay.

In total now, I was supposed to pay 49k. I went to the counter, still in the same floor and handed the paper written some numbers. With loud voice, I saided "Do you have PDQ?" so as to appear sophisticated. He telled me yes. I then remembered the money was not in my nationhela that hardly works but on mpesa. I telled him if they have lipa na mpesa. He telled me yes. He then asked if I have the royalty card. I saided no.

He keyed in the figures, then gave me the mpesa lipa na mpesa paybill and amount to pay. When the receipt was generated, my face instantly turned wet because of the kisses I received from the persons. She telled me how she has loved me all along and how I am the greatest man after the one who invented money.

In head, I telled her that she saw me at night and what will get her on monday, she will refuse to know if I was born or curved. She will refuse to differentiate between satan and myself.

As we were about to "leave", my cuzo who is a supervisor came and asked me what we were doing there. I telled him we were there to buy a fridge. I showed him what we bought and he saided "aaaaaaaaa, why did you buy this? You should have taken this Samsung model. Its a more superior in quality, durability, service, fire consumption and its guarantee is more. And to make the matter worse, the price range is the same"

I putted my hands in my head in "regret" as if I was about to say chinekeee.

He consoled me and telled me that I can however change if I want. I saided I want. I asked the persons if she wants and she saided yes.

He then telled us that he has to raise a credit note, and then we will change to the brand we wanted. We saided he is the one that knows. He then warned us that we can only come for it on Monday because its a process to raise credit not and stuff. I telled him not to change, we will carry LG because we dont want to wait. The persons interrupted me and saided she will wait because after all, we were going to Nanyuki later that
afternoon. My heart smiled because it would have been another long story if she had agreed with me.

We filled some forms and left.

When we were leaving, she was looking at me as if I had turned from 'Fat Onjohi' to Brat Pratt. Its like I had become those Europeans that they hunt on the dating site on the internet.. In her head, she was refusing to know why she did not also say she wanted a 52" LED Samsung. She was refusing to know where this good man had been all those years. She regretted not having met me 10 years ago.

We then left and went to meet Theuri, Akuku and MPESA to arrange how to remove to Nanyuki.

At exactly 2 PM we removed from Nairobi until Nanyuki. On our way, I could tell, she was asking when night will come so that she can put it at 180 or further apart to the greatest man on planet earth.

To be continued once mpesa messages starts streaming in.

I am,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno & Chairman, DOGECAB (Dont Get Carried Babish)

Why Faulu Loans is Fire to Bask From Far

I was seated somewhere a while ago and like a person that does not have even one brain, I started to listen to a conversation of others. They were talking of how they will go to auction a shop of a person in their group who has failed to pay a loan for two weeks now.

It reminded a few stories I have about Faulu, among them, this I am going to beat you.

If you come to my village and mention Faulu Kenya, every homestead will throw saliva out and wish you all the bad things in life. This is because of the news that Faulu has shown them. 100% of them believe that Faulu, before they give you a loan, take it to a back dark room, like the way Muhindi takes salary of employees, sits on it and curses it so that it does not help the beneficiary.

The story of witched Faulu loan money started with Theuri. I am also a witness that Faulu money is cursed, just like salary of Muhidi or loans of shylock.

For those of you who have ever started a biz, there is that one business that has ever climbed you even kwa nyeni until you refuse to know where is front or back.

I telled you my first ever biz I wanted to start that did not even start was of selling cows of slaughter. You know that story where I was given money by my dad, The Moshe Dayan, to buy a bull for selling to be slaughtered. I went and bought the bull but did not carry it that same day from the seller because I did not have a place to keep and Moshe Dayan could not allow it in our homestead because he feared it will climb our cows and put them stomach. He did not want our cows to be putted stomach inferior breeds.

On Monday, the day of slaughter, I went to pick the bull early in the morning to take it for slaughter and make money. When I entered that homestead, I was met by a parade of sad people, among them the seller. But he was too sad to talk. With alot of sorrow, one villager telled me "Wanjohi niwakinyiruo ni uhoro? (Wanjohi, news have reached you?)

I said no news. Head was thinking somebody died.

He telled me "ndiraigua uragurire nduma guku ira, riu ndume yaku ndirakiheneirio ni jehofa(I heard you bought a bull here yesterday. I hear that bull was summoned by the creator)

I asked what he meant. He telled me it died suddenly without illness.

In anger, I protested to get refund saying the bull died in his hands but he made me undestand that it started being mine the moment I bought it. Even the local chief sided with the seller, thereby going to a total loss.

Now, with a stroke of bull's death, I was out of business just like that. Moshe didnt believe me, he believed I ate the money. Thats the price of loosing a business anyway.

Now, after Theuri finished to read how to draw houses, he did not find work and no one was willing to be drawn a house by a newbie. He ate problems until he returned to the village.

When I went to visit the village, he asked me how I can help him remove from village. I telled him to come to Nairobi to start a business, he needs to have some cash and he can easily get that from his father.

Since his Moshe Dayan was not an easy remover money, just like my Moshe, I advised him to employ the trick I did to get help from my Moshe. I started to be in company of bad boys in the village, those that drink bangi and bad behavior in village. When Moshe saw that I will be destroyed by bad company, he removed me from village and sent me to Nairobi.

Following my advise, Theuri started to follow a bad company of those drinking bangi and climbing persons of owners all over the village. His father, when he saw he will be destroyed, he called him at big house and asked him what business he would like to do in the big city. He saided he can do the business I do. His father telled him to first come and research what fits him.

He climbed a bus until Nairobi to ask me for ideas. I was in the biz of selling ropes of movies and to enter that business, one required to have alot of knowledge in movies, so I knew he would fail in that because he wasnt a village village man. So, I sold him an idea of a guy who was successful in selling tomatoes straight from shambas to Marigiti here in Nairobi.

I telled him we go look for him and ask him how it goes. He telled me that that woudl be a bad idea because no one can tell you the business he does so that you dont bring competition. He telled me that we should go to Marigiti and do our own research. With our reasearch, we established that the profits were more than double.

He went back to his Moshe and telled him he has found a business that will bring super profits. They did mathematics together again until the father bought the idea. But there was a small problem. The father did not have money, though had access to a loan facility at Faulu.

Theuri telled his father not to worry, it is him that will repay loan because the business must repay itself, come rain come sun.

The father run to Faulu and was given 80k. He handed over the money to Theuri.

It is that Theuri, until Nairobi. I took him to Mairigiti again to do more research. The brokers were so friendly, they even gave us the market of where good tomatoes were coming from in Naromoru. He even gave us brokers of farms who will ensure we will get tomatoes at good prices.

Following day in the morning, we went until Naromoru. We met the broker waiting for us. He took us round three firms and we settled for one, though all the prices were same same.

He then asked us if we came with our canter or he should organize. We telled him to organize one.

We then entered farm and the workers started harvesting. They were harvesting those that were red ripe packing them in crates, all valued at Kshs. 70k. At one point, they tried to insert those that are not ripe, those greenish, until Theuri protested vehemently. They looked at each other and smiled so hard until I saw the last tooth and packed only the red ripe.

In Nairobi, having sold 100%, it was supposed to bring around 180k. If you less 25k for transport, it was pure mega profit. In head, I started to refuse to know where to get 80k and start business of tomatoes and become rich so easily. Since I had no idea, and Moshe Dayan could not loan me anymore after the bulls business failed to take off, I started to draw how I will borrow some money from Theuri from the profits, to expand my ropes business so that I could incorporate cds. CDs were only sold by those with bells of steel and were bought by those very very rich people who could afford a cd player. Theuri in turn was drawing how he will climb two persons together to remind himself days of campus during time of boom from HELB.

We started the journey at around 11PM when policemen on road had gone to sleep. As we were coming, I was looking at Theuri and admiring him and refusing to know how one can come from the village and make more money in a day more than what I make in 3 months combined. I saided, anyway, of God does not leave you. What he draws for you must reach you, even me, one day, I will buy tomatoes in a full muguu kumi lorry.

Along the way, the lorry was eaten 6 times by policemen on road. The driver had telled us that the police money was ours because we had not paid the deposit as required by law of canters. We had negotiated with him to give him all his money once we reached Nairobi.

Let me tell you something. When richness is about to catch up with you, Satan puts uncountable huddles so that you can give up. When we reached past Karatina, one leg got punctured. To change, it took over an hour. The driver had calculated it will reach Nairobi by 4AM because thats when people start buying and here now, we will now reach at 5, a not so good scenario for that business.

We changed the leg and continued with the journey. When we reached near Juja, the lorry destroyed engine. It took hours to repair it, they completed repairing it at around 11 AM.

We started the journey again. As we were passing, sunlike persons, near Riverside roundabout, Theuri was teling himself that he will be calling those sunlike to come to him and if they dont come running, he will hit them with a note of a thousand and tell them to get away from him and call another. When he looked at people sleeping under a Mugumo tree where Thaa thathaiya ngai sect used to pray on Sunday, he refused to know why they didnt have a Moshe Dayan that was rich or could access loan at Faulu to give them and start a business instead of sleeping under a tree in Nairobi.

Small, we were at Marigiti. To insert a canter there, there are some money that is paid. Theuri paid and remained with nothing, even money of soda.

Peeping inside canter, some tomatoes had started to ooze because of ripping too much and sun. But to Theuri, that was not a problem. After all, people buy even those that ooze. Oozing doesnt make it less a tomato, so he telled himself.

After parking, I went in earnest to go look for the broker. When I found him, I telled him to down the price per crate with 50 bob which should be commission for finding business.

When we reached, he looked at the tomatoes and looked at us. Then asked, "Mwagura nyanya ihana uu niki? ka mugurukaga!!? ici no muendeirie andu chips mathondete tomato sauce. Kana muenderie mathai cia matumbi. Itingigurwo kinya ni kihii ici. Ona kuria no murie mtigage urimu" (Why did you buy tomatoes like these? Do you get mad? These ones, unless you sell to people of chips they make tomato sauce. Or you sell to maasais of eggs they make kachumbari. You cant sell even to a kipii. You can as well eat, so that you stop foolishness)

We looked at each other and knew we had hit a wall. Earlier, we had heard stories of how the brokers cheat that your products are unsellable so that they can buy them like blunt panga. Theuri telled me not to worry.

Another broker came and telled us to pour all tomatoes at a place he was charging at 500 bob inside inside so that people can come and buy. With speed of light, we looked for people to come do the work of removing from lorry to the field.

When we finished, all people were looking at the oozing tomatoes and refusing to know. They were looking from far as it it was alshabaab time bomb.

Small time, kanju came and asked whose tomatoes they were. We saided ours. They telled us that that was dumping. They wanted to arrest us. We bribed them with 4000 shillings. Theuri didnt have a coin, so I removed mine.

After one hour and not a single one had been sold, the driver started to demand his money. Argument ensured until I saw a problem was coming. Head telled me that the best thing for me was to lost. So, I stole myself until my shop of selling movies.

Theuri himself could not handle the pressure from the driver anymore. When drive looked otherwise, he stole himself and went to hide about 50 meters watching over his tomatoes.

Small, he saw the driver of cater leave. He then saw the canter leave and knew atleast one pressure was off him. He went back to his things. No one neared them. Only one women of soko came took one tomato and ate it, without asking whose it is or paying for that tomato.

When the owner of land where they had been poured saw even his 500 bob wont be seen because no one was buying, he started to demand his money. Theuri telled him he go collect in town. He refused refused small telling him to pay there there. He begged and was allowed to go. He did not return. He abandoned it and came to my shop.

When he came to the shop, he started to cry. His greatest worry though was what he would tell his Moshe Dayan about of the loss. In his head, he knew that no one would believe him and that was the truth.

But I telled him that his loss was not alone. I had gone loss too and the owner of canter had removed his lorry from Naromoru until Nairobi and back without getting a single cent, yet it had even destroyed and had no petrol to return.

We burst out laughing and I telled him, it is God that had planned that loss and it was in preparation of better things to come, just like Job of the bible, everything was taken from him but at the end of the day, God repaid him. He looked at me as if to tell me that God has not done good mathematics there because Faulu money is not of to be joked. He looked at me as if to tell me that his faith is very little to be tested like Job.

We agreed with Theuri that he should give his Moshe blackout until he makes money to pay the loan. In the village, story reached differently.

It was rumored that Theuri did not start any business at all. They saided that he ate money with trappers and that I was an accomplice. To be true to God, no one touched a trapper with that money. Only the "profit" money and it was in thought, not in real life. If the money was eaten by trapper, it is the trappers eaten by sellers and broker of tomatoes who duped us into buy ripened tomatoes. Tomatoes are bought when green, they come as they ripe once plucked.

But it wasnt easy to clear his name. It is his sister that cleared the loan after Faulu raided his home and confiscated three cows.

From then, and after observing a trend, both for us and other people, he concluded that Faulu is like Muhindi. Their money cant help anyone. They only attract more trouble in your life.

That is the story he went with in the village to be accepted back. And when he cited many faulu cases in that same village, his Moshe agreed with him entirely and siaded, he will be seeing them and throwing saliva out. The only place that does not bewitch its money, according to Theuri's moshe and everyone in my village, is Muiganania.

That is why, even today, if Theuri passes near marigiti, he looks otherwise. He points marigiti with elbow. And when he hears anything regarding selling tomatoes, whether new or old, or selling anything at Marigiti, you will refuse to know what has hit him because of the way he will remove.

But even if Faulu bewitches its money before dispatching, I learnt a few things.

1. It is not advisable to borrow a loan for (a) start up and (b) a business you have no idea of. If you make total loss, to be called by the father is easy.
2. Also, when doing biz you have no have no idea of, you leave the sellers laughing under the table for inserting you box.
3. When a business falls, everyone will say its trappers that made it collapse. They will say you ate the money with trappers. "katari maraya ni atige maheni".
4. When a business flourishes, they will not see the trappers even if you carry ten in car. They will congratulate you and say you are a genius.
5. If you take Faulu or any other loan money, make sure you use it according to the purpose you took it for. Dont divert even a single cent.
6. If everything else has failed, like you have reached end and Faulu want to come for your things, remove them and hide them. If your household stuff are the security, shift before they strike. If for eg, you live in Zimma, shift to Ngong or Rongai. They will be seeing you but cant fetch you, can only fetch your things.

I am

Dagitari Wanjohi
Snr. Gyno & FAPORET