Today because is almost end month, and its Friday, I will write something that will make some of you, who are weak hearted to ukia small. I would also not wish you to destroy the money you have hard worked for all this month with persons. You would rather call me we drink that money instead of destroying it. I cant take more than 8. We will beat stories of giants and save. If you dont want to be shown news by these persons, read on.
I remembered this story yesterday because of one man called Theuri. I was with him somewhere near Ruai bypass where he is buying a land. I am telling him that he will be stolen, but he cant hear me. He said of men get lost in many places.
After he showed us the land, we said went to a place called Makuti to have two to remove dust. Small time, he saw his phone cry small. He looked at it, muted it and said 'Shaitani uyu i ndiramirire ndagacoke kuhurira?" (this Shaitan, I told her not to call me again?) We asked him why. He said that she told him that she lives with her sister, so Theuri cannot go visiting. He said that at his age now, he cannot climb in rooms anymore. If a person of out wants his tree, they must own a house where he will climb them from, not lodgings. And since this person said that she lives with the sis, he has not business with her.
A few years back, there was this person through Theuri that looked like two suns combined. Yellow yellow, thutha is not of borrowing and speaks fluent English. Although Theuri is not the person that can throw a person to you just like that, sometimes he is genuine with his throwings. The other good thing about Theuri is that he beautifies your CV to persons. But in the mix of things, sometimes, it ends up hurting you more than good. Like the other day, we were with this persons at Bee Centre, near Kayole, to be fair with places. aOne guy that sells Thuruaris passed with his briefcases of thuauris for sale.
He said to this person in ear 'Nducagure thuruari hau na mutongoria e haha. Cagura ta ithano" (Si you choose thuauris, and the leader is here. He will buy like 5).
The person smilled and beckoned the seller of thuruari to come near. She choose 5. I wanted to cry out loudly when the man that sells those thuruaris extended his hand to me and told me its only a thao. I felt so bad, almost to cry. At that time I am buying somebody thuruaris of a K, my car is lying somewhere with no insurance, even a third party that is almost free. I said, if devil was not bad, that K, plus some few more ks would have been enough to kata a one month third party before i start seeing money. The car has been with no insurance or service for a year. Devil is bad because I was planning to paying this month. Now, I am a k less. Shetani ashidwo!
Back to this story of the person Theuri brought to me, because she looked so hot and did not look like she was the type that can put thuruari on head, I told Theuri to beautify my cv. He told the person 'Riu we, ndiraigua ni uriaga thina. Ugirage ngiri ikumi o mweri kuri mutongoria uyu. Na akorwo nindahenania, auge ndarikuneaga" (I hear you eat problems? Be getting 10k a month from this leader. And if I have lied, let him say he will not be giving you) Though his beautifying was extra ordinary, I knew it was a way of him borrowing beer. I said he gets two two.
When his beer was about to get finished, he started to almost destroy my CV. He told the person, 'Uyu kiria atari kinene no shuma. No wendo ni kumaniriria ona riria kanyiha" (This what he does not have is tree. But true love is to tolerate even when the tree is small).
I told the person that its true, my tree is not so big, but it has some exta ordinary features, like zig zag and a knob. Knob, for those who dont know is something that only people that got circumcised in the village get putted. In other languages, they call it nguati. After all, I told her that I could pull my riang'a with priers to become bigger. Tying it with pegs at night could make it longer, if she wished, I told her.
By the time we had taken 5 beers, she had believed all the lies about me. Theuri was telling her that I could even buy her a car. So that she does not refuse to know why my car was old, yet I could afford to buy her a car, Theuri said that I have many cars, but i have special attachment to that car, like am of devil.
There there, she removed thuruari and putted it on her handbag. When I saw her put thuruari on her handbag, I felt tree push my zip until it destroyed it. The other guys also ukiad until they said we go to town to drink beer that has been brewed completely, unlike of ngara that is brewed faster faster because people of ngara wouldn't mind.
When we entered my old car, I inserted hand small on her skirt, still fearing she will stop me. Then, I realised that I was the leader that could even buy her a car and leaders dont fear persons, persons fear them. I inserted more and felt something like my forehead. No hairs. I falled chair and started to touch tiita. After small time, I remembered that I had been catched by rogue cops of Parklands police that instead of catching thiefs of side mirrows and sidelamps, they look for people climbing inside cars at night. Because I knew she lived in Ngara, somewhere near Hotel Southern blue, I told her we go to her house to drop some stuff she ha with her. I told her that such stuff make thiefs break into cars and if her house was just near there, it was only fair to drop them. As we wer going, she told me that she was in need of 2k. I told her that I will give her, no problem. I am a leader with integrity.
When we entered her house, her housegirl opened the door. She was instructed to go sleep in the bedroom of the boss. There there, I knew this person wanted some actions small in her table room.
By the time she was closing the door to the bedroom, the person had downed my trouser and was sucking my zig like she wanted something to remove from it. She commented that whoever says that my zig is small has never seen small zigs. She also commented that its zag nature was likely to make someone always want it. Again, she was the first person to marvel at my knot. Other persons think that its an abnormal growth, alike a tree that was growing from my tree.
There there, I unbuttoned her browse and started to suck brookie on the side. Sucking should not be the word. Lets so licking on the side. I did not want to suck because I smelled the presense of a baby in that house. After small time, I unzipped her skirt and it falled down freely. What i saw made me want to almost pour. Tiita hole looked so small, until I refuse to know how my zig will enter there. Small dot. Then, her huyos looked extra ordinary. They were small, and looked like they had been permed, like European hair. And the huyos were not black. brownish brownish. Then, they were shaped like a V. not by shaving, but naturally.
I pushed her back and made her her sit on the sofa. I then knelt and inserted my tongue small. Then, I inserted more of my tongue. Then, i searched for tiita with the tongue and when i found it, I pulled it out. I then started to mumunya like lolipop. Occasionally,I would remove tongue and bit the tiita with my teeth, making her say original mbus.
She said mbus and said mbus, until she held my tree and told me to insert. I looked at her with vagina of eye and saw she was not telling me to put makobosto. With my heart, I called her devil pepo baya and removed myself from her hand to insert makobosto.
After makobosto was safely rolled in, I inserted the head of my zig, then removed, inserted and removed. I teased many times, almost making her angry now because she was crying for me to insert all. Then, slowly, I inserted all tree. I tell you that was tiita and a half. Although it cannot reach the level of the person i told you about that had kamonie that felt like had sand paper inside, this tiita was extra ordinary in its own ways. I felt like when tree was inside, it was being tied with a blunder inside that was nyongaring my tree. Ebu try to hold your neck firmly with your hands, like nyongaring yourself. That is the way i felt. On removing and returning, this kamonie had its own stylo. When removing, parts of kamonie was coming out with josto. On returning, those parts returned too. Men, it was good. I enjoyed looking my tree go in, then remove with kamonie. Quite a scene.
I ramnyad and ramnyad and the person said mbus with mo mathematics. Small time, I heard this ka voice from our back "maaamiiii"
On looking, I saw a kipii almost my size standing there. The person pulled a bedsheet covered ourselves, I think the one house girl uses.
The person told the boy "Dadiii.. rudi ukalale. Nakam saa hii. sawa"
Muclimbano has no manngers because i returned tree inside. Because i saw the possibilities of her not allowing me to pour, now that that kapii had interrupted small, I putted figure of her kamonie. I imagined how her kamonie was removing with things. Then, I putted other faces fast enough to pour.
After pouring, she removed makobosto from my tree and panguzad me with a cold towel. We then dressed up.
After dressing up, I removed my wallet to remove two k and give her. On looking at my wallet, it had notes of 100 bob that was not more than 800 bob, with a plus and minus of 10%. Devil had been, for a long time, telling me that I had like 8 k. Kumbe, thaos had turned into 100s miraculously.
I started to sweat because i dint know which lie to give. I asked the person if she wanted to take two more beers we go to town. She said that was perfect with her. She showered fast, then we removed from the house.
I then remembered that I had an ATM. We passed by stima plaza where we have coop bank ATMs that dont finish money fast. I knew in the account, there was something like 4 k or about. When I inserted the ATM, and clicked on check balance first, I got this message "Dear Wanjohi, You have no good head. If you check balance again, I will swallow your card. A check that was issued to your account bounced. We decided to penalize you with a fine of 3400. Your available balance is 394.45"
I felt something go through my head, almost making me faint. I refused to know what to do. I said, then, let me remove the 300 bob, I add with the 800 bob, I give the person a K and lost. When i returned my ATM and keyed withdraw 300 bob,a ka smiling face appeared from the screen that said 'For the last time, remove your card. This is not Equity. The minimum you can remove from this ATM is 500 bob. But so that you dont become nuisance to other ATMs, kindly check your card in your branch, Nyeri after two weeks!".
After small time, my head reminded me that I was a mafia, if everything else fails. I picked phone and called Theuri. I told him to bail me out with 5 k. He said 5 k is to say bad. Akuku was in Zimmerman and no one else could help me at that time.
I said, lemmi go to town, I might see someone who knows me, and might bail me out, like what happened sometimes back when a person appeared in Magomano when i had only 600 bob left. She took two black ices, the rest of the story you know it.
I parked on the Ambassador side and told the person we go to Hornbil and drink two. As I was walking, i was looking all over to see if I can see anyone that knows me or hear a Subaro passing. Chances are, if its a Subaru, I know the owner, from Sir chaos to Mpesa and many others.
We entered Hornbil and wented upstairs and sat there. On looking around, I didnt see anyone that knows me. Only people like Kiama who did not know me then. With 800 bob with me, it was enough to buy drinks but this person was in real need of the two k. I said bad is bad, I will lost away. It was the only option. And leader cant say he has no money.
I asked the person if she was hungry. Very fast, she said yes. I told her we go downstairs and put meat of burnt. As we were taking the stairs, she did not see me again. I removed like lightening and run out.
Lucky for me, this person had not borrowed my contacts. There was no facebook then, so she could not search for me. But as fate would have it, after two months or so, we met with the person eye to eye in the street of Nairobi. I smilled at her and tried to explain what transpired on that day. Though she was not in the mood to my stories of giants, I gave her 500 bob and told her to go eat lunch. But I made a mistake. I told her where she could find me in my joints at Rifa rori. That 2k I refused to give her, later I paid with more than 20k. Everytime, she would pass and borrow one k, two k, or so and many more drinks. But I never had an opportunity to climb her again. I was too ashamed to borrow.
If it were you, what would you have done?
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
What The Beer You Drink Says About You!!
Don't easily get carried away, don't like authority and there’s something confident with Pili drinkers. Persons of out expect pilsner drinkers hold a lengthy conversation with them. Pilsner drinkers are 50% more likely to eat a person without makobosto, but will not remember or care about it until the person will call from a Hospital, 9 months later with this words 'congratulations, you are a dad!'
They seek out the company of others. Redds drinkers socialize more and are fun people to be with. A Redd's patients are 200% more likely to drink KC or other cheap hard liquor when alone or waiting for a buyer than an average person. A drinker of Redds is oweful in bed and is 77% more likely than an average person to call you at night, even if they are aware that you belong to someone else.
They look down upon the common man’s beers and believes they are exceptional and have high self-esteem and is attracted to luxury products. A Heineken drinker is 50% more likely to own an I phone 4s, even if they have zero computer knowledge. They are also energetic and dynamic and enjoy being both the center of attention and in the middle of the action. Have a 99 % chance of telling you, three months later, "I am confused, I dont if to remove the stomach or not"
Wine...
They are image conscious who think bottle is for the weak and hos. After chips and chicken, drinkers of wine will make their legs turns into a chicken thigh in a matter of minutes. A drinker of wine is 114% more likely, than an average person to to insist on rolling down makobosto on your josto herself than allow you to do it yourself.
Common among the poor, University of Nairobi students and those who want to pissed on themselves quickly and cheaply. Drinkers of this brand are 1000% more likely to initiate a fight over nothing and 300% more likely to go to uptown bars after 11PM when Madhuka closes.
Brandy
Very friendly and what is more agreeable about this is that they expect their peers to take nothing else apart from what they take... viceroy. They love to share. A Brandy drinker is 90% more likely to borrow phone number of their pal's girlfriends. Most popular with retirees, lawyers, teachers (lectures mostly) and people that spend more time talking to clients.
Kingfisher.
They have questionable taste and are generally confused in life. They have no goal in life and got a D in Mathematics. The irony of course is that they put thuruari on their handbag after the 3rd drink. A Kingfisher drinker is 60% more likely than an average person not to seek a drinking buddy on the first encounter.
Johnnie Walker
Like to party, believe “life is too short to drink cheap” Likely to attract persons that want sugar daddies or clever trappers. Its makes it very hard for this group to attract good persons because by the time a decent person comes in , a trapper will have spotted the drinker of JW and snatched the drinker.
Kenya Cane aka KC.
They know everything that happens within 2km radius. They will know where all vacant houses are, who climbs who, who has not paid rent, which school is cheapest, who is building what.. etc. 80% more Likely than an average person to fight the bouncer after the 2nd quarter. People that drink KC abhor spending. Most of them drink it from home or backstreet pubs, like Madhuka, then migrate to decent bars, only to drink one beer and fall asleep.
Beer Whores
For these people that have no loyalty to any brand.. or will drink today spirit, tomorrow brandy, tomorrow of that day beer, they are a confused lot and spend more time thinking about beer in one day than 100 million of us combined spend an year thinking about muclimbano. They are more likely to support a team that lose perennially, like Arsenal. They are opposite of day dreamers, criticize everyone, and hates politics. They are more likely not to participate in voting.
And finally,
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine, PHD.
Senior Researcher,
River-Road Inc.
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Curse of Excessive Drinking
Although Wanjohidaily remains closed, once once, I can give you stories of giants, like this one.
I told you how my old car used to show me news, but i have never told you what beer has shown me, atleast the other side of the coin. You only know how they get climbed after beer but not the bad ones.
If you remember, thuruaris used to literally fly off of persons of out when I cruised around places with the old car. Normally, "Old" and "Car" is not something most of us would want to talk about, atleast not in the same sentence. If you put them in the same sentence, you are as well saying that your middle name is 'I love trouble big time". But my old car made me eat persons and you know several of them stories.
Today's is about beer. Beer has shown me news. Bad and bad news. I am not trying to discredit beer drinking. Drinking is biblical. Only excessive is not so good. First of all, if you're leading your life in such a way that you don't drink.. atleast even wine, congratulations, you are a monkey. Jesus did not turn water into wine because he was bored, or he had run out of ideas. He could have, as well turned it into Delmonte juice, or Keringeti. Delmonte and Keringeti are expensive and those guys would have been very happy to partake such expensive stuff in a weeding. But he chose wine. Because its cool and it makes you say things you cant say when not under the influence.
Long time ago, we went to a place called Kenol. We had gone there to look for the Chairman of CDF because we wanted to get contract to build roads like Mushina. For those who dont know Kenol, it is the place where old people reach. In my language, if you call a person "muthee" here in Nairobi, they tell you, "muthee me Kenol" (old people are in Kenol), meaning, if one is in Nairobi, it is bad to call them old. Old people don't reach Nairobi, they reach Kenol. Long time, Kenol used to be called Kino until some leaders from Central, including the father of Uhuru protested.
After failing to get the contract to build, atleast even a bridge, Theuri put this song on the car stereo... I gotta get drunk by Willie Nelson (You must be over 50 to enjoy this song. We used to listen to it when we were in our 20s, long before some of your were born. 'nanana.. I gonna get dunk. Cant stay sober. nananna... spend my whole paycheck on some old wreck..and bro.. I can name a few.. nanannaa... Doctors tell me i gota slow down.. but there are old drunks than there are old doctors... nananan so i gota get drunk and i sure dread it..". There there, we said we are dreading entering bars, but sure we gotta take two for the road.
After a few minutes, some persons that looked like sun, more so their thutha, entered and sat two tables away from us. We did not take much interest until they ordered half Viceroy. We looked at each other and filled for ourselves that they were not trappers. Trappers cant order viceroy. Atleast not half. They order sodas and wait for men to come near them and start buying them beer.Again, this were not the kind Nelson was taking about .. they were not old wreck.
When our meat of burnt came, we told the washer of hands to also wash them. Although we expected them to refuse, they did not refuse. After, we told them to come near fire to eat and drink. Fire of out is not basked from far.
Since the persons were two and we were 4, Theuri said that whoever want a person should buy them beer. I removed myself because I knew Theuri is a kabia mwaniki (Rat mwaniki), he wanted to lost from buying but later, you will refuse to know where you person has gone after buying until morning. Akuku and another guy that does not know Theuri well said he will arranged himself.
After we started to get drunk, Theuri started his giants stories. Although the persons were laughing at his stories, they were not removing their grip on the buyers of water, a sign that they were watu wajanja.
After we drank enough, we said that we cannot drive all the way to Nairobi at night. We said we look for a place to put head until tomorrow. The persons said that they knew one good hotel.
We entered the car and Akuku and the other guy started to kiss small. After that 'small' time, we were woken up by sun that was burning us from up. The persons were not there and on searching ourselves, we had nothing. Mobile phones, wallet, everything, including an expensive jacket I had just bought, not in exhibitions, but in Shina. A verry unique jacket.
At first, we thoughted that one of us was trying to play a trick on the rest of us. After thinking and thinking, and remembering that we left the put few minutes past mid night, we knew we had been stolen by the persons. Either they putted medicine in small quantity or, we were extremely drunk.
We had no phone, not even one cent and no means of communicating. The petrol we had was not even enough to reach Kabati where the most annoying police in Kenya puts road block.
We tried to think who we could call from Nairobi for rescue. Of all the people we knew, no one knew their telephone numbers offhead. By good luck, Theuri remembered one guy. We borrowed phone from a shop to call. Since there was no mpesa then, we instructed the guy to come with two thousands for the rescue mission.
The guy took his sweet time and reached at around 4. He found us so hungry and angry. We first abused and read him small for keeping us like vihees waiting. To apologize, he said he will buy 3 3. We went to the same place to see if we could trace the persons that put medicine on u.
Beer is of devil. Although we were sad for being stolen, I saw two beautiful persons. Having nothing to loose after all, we had been stolen everything the previous night, I followed them and started to beat stories of giants with them. I told them how we were stolen. They told me Kenol is mambo bad at time. We had not bathed the whole day, so, i guess i was smelling small, because they were listening to the stories with their noses closed.
In the meantime, the buyer of beer had finished money. They wanted us to go home. They searched for me all over until they gave up. Theuri said that maybe, i had been closed by one of the ladies. They said i will arrange myself since i was in safe hands of a person of out.
When i went downstairs, the waiters asked me where i had been to since i had been looked for all over. I told them that i was upstairs talking to some persons. She said they had looked for me all over. I refused to know what to do. I had no phone and I dint know the phone number offhead of the guy that had come to rescue us from Nairobi. There there, i knew i had been climbed kwa nyeni.
I went back to the persons, just to see if any will die sorrow for me. They felt for me and asked me what i will do. I told them that i will sleep in the bar. They held their chin and said that all bars close at 1 am there. One person said that i drink one as we waited for the club to close.
After club closed, the persons felt for me and told me since they cannot leave me to sleep out, i go with them at their home. I lifted my hands up small to thank God for the miracle. My tree also standed small because i knew there were chances of me climbing in the most unlikely quarters.
When we started to walk towards their home, in Makenji, i refused to know if they had bought makobosto. I almost asked but said bad is bad. Makenji, is an equivalent of Mathare or Korogocho. Now imagine walking to Korogocho at night.
As we were walking, they talked how thieves first climb people kwa nyeni at Makenji and sorounding areas. I feared more but said if the thiefs strike, they will climb them first and i will have a chance to run away before they finish with the persons. Before i could finish my thinking, one of them said, that even if they get you with your person, they first climb the man. I wanted to cry but restrained myself. One of the ladies started to say how one thief she knows was telling them how he climbed one guy whose car had broken down near Makenji. He said that when climbing, he inserted his tree kwa nyeni. When he removed, the thiefs tree looked like how a taribo looks like when digging a hole. mud mud on the side. I prayed more.
We walked and walked and due to many beers i had taken and my drunkenness, i felt like urinating. I stopped to urinate and when i finished I could not see the persons. They had disappeared. I called them in loud voice but no one answered. There there, i knew I had been losted.
I refused to know what to do. Was it to go back or what. We had walked for over 5 km. I remembered the thieves and canceled the option of walking back to Kenol. I said bad is bad. I better sleep in the bush and risk snake than kwa nyeni.
I went to a ka bush and sat there , waiting for morning to come. As i was sitting, dogs were coming, running, and on seeing me, they would hit emergency break and turn away. I refused to know why they were not barking at me. Later, I came to know that they are used to people hidding in bushes. Thiefs. And they know that those thiefs dont carry legs of chicken or bonoko. They carry real gun. Again, I heard that they were also used to so many guys hidding in the bush after drinking makari. But since those dogs did not want to risk if i was thief or drunkard of makari, they gave themselves shuguli.
The other things that was making me feel that it was the sure end of me was snakes. I then remembered that if you fold two of your right hand's fingers, you immobilize snakes remotely. I prayed to God to keep off the thiefs. I told God that I can keep off the snakes by folding my fingers, but thiefs, he is the only one who can keep them away. I told God that if morning reaches, all the glory and honor shall be his. I told God that I will forever bless him. I also told him that if i reach Nairobi safely, tomorrow of that day, I will glorify his name. I told God to remember only one good thing i have ever done. Not two but one. I reminded him one how i give offering at Muiru's, a woman I once gave fare near bus station among others.
My prayers were answered. No thief came. When morning came, almost 6 am, I removed from the bush and started walking towards Kenol. Just before reaching Kenol, donkey tired, I saw beat an emergency break and stopped. Then, a guy from the car shouted 'Wanjohi nikii ureka guku, kai ugurukaga?"
On looking, it was a guy that we drink together at Magomano and Grace villa. A very oiled guy that specializes on stealing other people's persons. I first knelt down and thanked God for the miracle. I told God that he is faithful because he hears prayers of those that believe.
I run towards the car and told him to open car I sleep small first. I told him that I had a very long sad story, only possible in a movie and cant talk about it until I catched sleep small. He insisted and told me I look hungry and haggard. When I heard food, I opened up and told him the whole story, starting Friday to Saturday to that morning. Instead of crying for what had happened to me, he was being collected under the table. He then told me we go back to Kenol, he buy me breakfast.
After breakfast, he then told me to accompany him to his shags, some few km from Kenol. That is where I had an opportunity to bath and sleep small. At around 4, we went back to Kenol and started to drink again.
As we were drinking, I made sure that I was not removing eyes from him, lest he disappears too. Even when he was going to the latrine, I made sure that I followed him closely.
After he saw I was not sad anymore, he told me that from there, he has devised a way to snatch persons from me. He said he will be beating my persons that story of how i slept in the bush. This guy is another one. I told you he specialises in snathing other peoples persons. He never enter bar with persons and when he does, he comes with people that are worse than toothless. When he sees you with a good person, he whips notes of thousands, like a hundred k folded together. He would then tell the person 'nduke urenge ihindi urie nyama" (Cut bone to eat meat). No person of Nairobi with good head can resist to cut bone.
I think next time, I will tell you how we once drew for him to be stolen by persons of medicine so that it can be a lesson to him and people with tabias like his.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
I told you how my old car used to show me news, but i have never told you what beer has shown me, atleast the other side of the coin. You only know how they get climbed after beer but not the bad ones.
If you remember, thuruaris used to literally fly off of persons of out when I cruised around places with the old car. Normally, "Old" and "Car" is not something most of us would want to talk about, atleast not in the same sentence. If you put them in the same sentence, you are as well saying that your middle name is 'I love trouble big time". But my old car made me eat persons and you know several of them stories.
Today's is about beer. Beer has shown me news. Bad and bad news. I am not trying to discredit beer drinking. Drinking is biblical. Only excessive is not so good. First of all, if you're leading your life in such a way that you don't drink.. atleast even wine, congratulations, you are a monkey. Jesus did not turn water into wine because he was bored, or he had run out of ideas. He could have, as well turned it into Delmonte juice, or Keringeti. Delmonte and Keringeti are expensive and those guys would have been very happy to partake such expensive stuff in a weeding. But he chose wine. Because its cool and it makes you say things you cant say when not under the influence.
Long time ago, we went to a place called Kenol. We had gone there to look for the Chairman of CDF because we wanted to get contract to build roads like Mushina. For those who dont know Kenol, it is the place where old people reach. In my language, if you call a person "muthee" here in Nairobi, they tell you, "muthee me Kenol" (old people are in Kenol), meaning, if one is in Nairobi, it is bad to call them old. Old people don't reach Nairobi, they reach Kenol. Long time, Kenol used to be called Kino until some leaders from Central, including the father of Uhuru protested.
After failing to get the contract to build, atleast even a bridge, Theuri put this song on the car stereo... I gotta get drunk by Willie Nelson (You must be over 50 to enjoy this song. We used to listen to it when we were in our 20s, long before some of your were born. 'nanana.. I gonna get dunk. Cant stay sober. nananna... spend my whole paycheck on some old wreck..and bro.. I can name a few.. nanannaa... Doctors tell me i gota slow down.. but there are old drunks than there are old doctors... nananan so i gota get drunk and i sure dread it..". There there, we said we are dreading entering bars, but sure we gotta take two for the road.
After a few minutes, some persons that looked like sun, more so their thutha, entered and sat two tables away from us. We did not take much interest until they ordered half Viceroy. We looked at each other and filled for ourselves that they were not trappers. Trappers cant order viceroy. Atleast not half. They order sodas and wait for men to come near them and start buying them beer.Again, this were not the kind Nelson was taking about .. they were not old wreck.
When our meat of burnt came, we told the washer of hands to also wash them. Although we expected them to refuse, they did not refuse. After, we told them to come near fire to eat and drink. Fire of out is not basked from far.
Since the persons were two and we were 4, Theuri said that whoever want a person should buy them beer. I removed myself because I knew Theuri is a kabia mwaniki (Rat mwaniki), he wanted to lost from buying but later, you will refuse to know where you person has gone after buying until morning. Akuku and another guy that does not know Theuri well said he will arranged himself.
After we started to get drunk, Theuri started his giants stories. Although the persons were laughing at his stories, they were not removing their grip on the buyers of water, a sign that they were watu wajanja.
After we drank enough, we said that we cannot drive all the way to Nairobi at night. We said we look for a place to put head until tomorrow. The persons said that they knew one good hotel.
We entered the car and Akuku and the other guy started to kiss small. After that 'small' time, we were woken up by sun that was burning us from up. The persons were not there and on searching ourselves, we had nothing. Mobile phones, wallet, everything, including an expensive jacket I had just bought, not in exhibitions, but in Shina. A verry unique jacket.
At first, we thoughted that one of us was trying to play a trick on the rest of us. After thinking and thinking, and remembering that we left the put few minutes past mid night, we knew we had been stolen by the persons. Either they putted medicine in small quantity or, we were extremely drunk.
We had no phone, not even one cent and no means of communicating. The petrol we had was not even enough to reach Kabati where the most annoying police in Kenya puts road block.
We tried to think who we could call from Nairobi for rescue. Of all the people we knew, no one knew their telephone numbers offhead. By good luck, Theuri remembered one guy. We borrowed phone from a shop to call. Since there was no mpesa then, we instructed the guy to come with two thousands for the rescue mission.
The guy took his sweet time and reached at around 4. He found us so hungry and angry. We first abused and read him small for keeping us like vihees waiting. To apologize, he said he will buy 3 3. We went to the same place to see if we could trace the persons that put medicine on u.
Beer is of devil. Although we were sad for being stolen, I saw two beautiful persons. Having nothing to loose after all, we had been stolen everything the previous night, I followed them and started to beat stories of giants with them. I told them how we were stolen. They told me Kenol is mambo bad at time. We had not bathed the whole day, so, i guess i was smelling small, because they were listening to the stories with their noses closed.
In the meantime, the buyer of beer had finished money. They wanted us to go home. They searched for me all over until they gave up. Theuri said that maybe, i had been closed by one of the ladies. They said i will arrange myself since i was in safe hands of a person of out.
When i went downstairs, the waiters asked me where i had been to since i had been looked for all over. I told them that i was upstairs talking to some persons. She said they had looked for me all over. I refused to know what to do. I had no phone and I dint know the phone number offhead of the guy that had come to rescue us from Nairobi. There there, i knew i had been climbed kwa nyeni.
I went back to the persons, just to see if any will die sorrow for me. They felt for me and asked me what i will do. I told them that i will sleep in the bar. They held their chin and said that all bars close at 1 am there. One person said that i drink one as we waited for the club to close.
After club closed, the persons felt for me and told me since they cannot leave me to sleep out, i go with them at their home. I lifted my hands up small to thank God for the miracle. My tree also standed small because i knew there were chances of me climbing in the most unlikely quarters.
When we started to walk towards their home, in Makenji, i refused to know if they had bought makobosto. I almost asked but said bad is bad. Makenji, is an equivalent of Mathare or Korogocho. Now imagine walking to Korogocho at night.
As we were walking, they talked how thieves first climb people kwa nyeni at Makenji and sorounding areas. I feared more but said if the thiefs strike, they will climb them first and i will have a chance to run away before they finish with the persons. Before i could finish my thinking, one of them said, that even if they get you with your person, they first climb the man. I wanted to cry but restrained myself. One of the ladies started to say how one thief she knows was telling them how he climbed one guy whose car had broken down near Makenji. He said that when climbing, he inserted his tree kwa nyeni. When he removed, the thiefs tree looked like how a taribo looks like when digging a hole. mud mud on the side. I prayed more.
We walked and walked and due to many beers i had taken and my drunkenness, i felt like urinating. I stopped to urinate and when i finished I could not see the persons. They had disappeared. I called them in loud voice but no one answered. There there, i knew I had been losted.
I refused to know what to do. Was it to go back or what. We had walked for over 5 km. I remembered the thieves and canceled the option of walking back to Kenol. I said bad is bad. I better sleep in the bush and risk snake than kwa nyeni.
I went to a ka bush and sat there , waiting for morning to come. As i was sitting, dogs were coming, running, and on seeing me, they would hit emergency break and turn away. I refused to know why they were not barking at me. Later, I came to know that they are used to people hidding in bushes. Thiefs. And they know that those thiefs dont carry legs of chicken or bonoko. They carry real gun. Again, I heard that they were also used to so many guys hidding in the bush after drinking makari. But since those dogs did not want to risk if i was thief or drunkard of makari, they gave themselves shuguli.
The other things that was making me feel that it was the sure end of me was snakes. I then remembered that if you fold two of your right hand's fingers, you immobilize snakes remotely. I prayed to God to keep off the thiefs. I told God that I can keep off the snakes by folding my fingers, but thiefs, he is the only one who can keep them away. I told God that if morning reaches, all the glory and honor shall be his. I told God that I will forever bless him. I also told him that if i reach Nairobi safely, tomorrow of that day, I will glorify his name. I told God to remember only one good thing i have ever done. Not two but one. I reminded him one how i give offering at Muiru's, a woman I once gave fare near bus station among others.
My prayers were answered. No thief came. When morning came, almost 6 am, I removed from the bush and started walking towards Kenol. Just before reaching Kenol, donkey tired, I saw beat an emergency break and stopped. Then, a guy from the car shouted 'Wanjohi nikii ureka guku, kai ugurukaga?"
On looking, it was a guy that we drink together at Magomano and Grace villa. A very oiled guy that specializes on stealing other people's persons. I first knelt down and thanked God for the miracle. I told God that he is faithful because he hears prayers of those that believe.
I run towards the car and told him to open car I sleep small first. I told him that I had a very long sad story, only possible in a movie and cant talk about it until I catched sleep small. He insisted and told me I look hungry and haggard. When I heard food, I opened up and told him the whole story, starting Friday to Saturday to that morning. Instead of crying for what had happened to me, he was being collected under the table. He then told me we go back to Kenol, he buy me breakfast.
After breakfast, he then told me to accompany him to his shags, some few km from Kenol. That is where I had an opportunity to bath and sleep small. At around 4, we went back to Kenol and started to drink again.
As we were drinking, I made sure that I was not removing eyes from him, lest he disappears too. Even when he was going to the latrine, I made sure that I followed him closely.
After he saw I was not sad anymore, he told me that from there, he has devised a way to snatch persons from me. He said he will be beating my persons that story of how i slept in the bush. This guy is another one. I told you he specialises in snathing other peoples persons. He never enter bar with persons and when he does, he comes with people that are worse than toothless. When he sees you with a good person, he whips notes of thousands, like a hundred k folded together. He would then tell the person 'nduke urenge ihindi urie nyama" (Cut bone to eat meat). No person of Nairobi with good head can resist to cut bone.
I think next time, I will tell you how we once drew for him to be stolen by persons of medicine so that it can be a lesson to him and people with tabias like his.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Unbeatable offer!!!
Toshiba satellite Laptop. Good as new.
I am selling my Laptop. Perfect condition. Good as new. I recently stopped using this Supermachine after i stopped posting my daily blogs.
If you want to be noticed, or you want to stand out from the crowd, look no further than this modern laptop. Imagine flashing this machine out at Riviera when having your favorite. You will turn into babe magnet.. literally. I can guarantee that. I have climbed several, one most recently, i fetched from one (deleted) Coffee shop. If your idea of impressing chicks is to buy them drinks, try this first and stop wasting your money on drinks. You will be amazed with the results.
SPECS:
486 Pentium (upgradable to 586)
16kb cache
8MB Ram (have removed the extra 8mb ram. Add 500 bob if you need the extra Ram)
500 MB hard drive
Floppy Drive working.
Windows 95 with license key.
Kshs. 20,000 or best offer. Cash is fine. You can as well PayPal me directly.
I am waiting for your call...NOW!
(The day I bought this laptop. Incase you cant recognize any, I know two chaps here. Wryre and Big Ted.)
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wanjohidaily is Shutting Down
Good day ladies and gentlemen.
After careful considerations and consulting widely, I have decided to close this blog.
It has been a year and few months since i started this blog. Leaving this blog is a quite bitter moment. I thank the readers that have been following my posts and leaving all the comments, its so appreciated.
Secondly I’d like to thank www.Februaryit.com for hosting wanjohidaily.com for its entire duration of its time online, it was great being hosted there.
In the meantime, check on that youtube below.
EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION!! ICC Case Witness Number 4 Withdraws Statement.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
After careful considerations and consulting widely, I have decided to close this blog.
It has been a year and few months since i started this blog. Leaving this blog is a quite bitter moment. I thank the readers that have been following my posts and leaving all the comments, its so appreciated.
Secondly I’d like to thank www.Februaryit.com for hosting wanjohidaily.com for its entire duration of its time online, it was great being hosted there.
In the meantime, check on that youtube below.
EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION!! ICC Case Witness Number 4 Withdraws Statement.
I remain,
Wanjohi wa Kigogoine
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