Light Can Never Be my Brand.

PMs are very interesting species of persons. They will never be satisfied with anything you do to them. Like for example, if you make it a habit of going home by 9, they will try anything possible to make you you are home by 8. If you agree to that, they will want you to be watching even news of  7 together. If you encourage her to be calling you when 10 reaches when you are doing dogogio and agree to go home, she will be doing that daily and if you dont go home, she will call all people of your family and say you your work is dogogio and trappers.

I happened to be home early on Thursday last week and what I heard from PM did not make me happy. We were watching news of Omtura's fiasco with tu persons, including small and then, she started to read for me why men go for mpangos and mostly, orangutan mupangos like that of Omtura who was saying she borned him a baby. Small, she read and read me as if I was the one that was responsible for that particular incident.

But with my PM, when such an issue arises, the best thing I do is to keep quiet and listen to her endless lecture because there are some things I can respond and she will lost there there. PMs are different and their handling is different.

Like my friend Theuri, he tells us that if he suspects his PM is going to read for him about anything, he enters house and if he sees even a bucket on his way in, he beats it shoot until it hits ceiling. Then, he gets cups on the table. He lifts them and ask why they were not returned to kitchen. Before an asnwer is given, he beats the table shoot, killing anything that was on top of it. When his PM sees that, even what she had planned to ask him is shelved. He telled us that during that Omtura news time, he saw his PM almost ask something to do with mipangos. And because he did not want things to reach far, he AHEMed and showed a sign of kicking the table. His PM, because she knows where his devils have reached, she removed plates from table to avoid them from dying when he kicks the table.

My style is different. If PM tries to read me, I make sure I will drink until morning the following day to punish her. So, when she started to read for me because of Omtura's mpangos as if they were mine, I wrote myself drinking until morning tomorrow of that day.

Now, I telled you before that there is nothing in Nairobi that I dont know where you can get it from, including, where to remove stomach at a good price. Even if you want a degree from London School of Economics, I can get you one. These days, its easy because you can search from google if you are employed with a degree you dont know about.

If you are a persons and you have been hit by hard times and you have morals of satan, I can as well show you some place in Mombasa you can become rich so easily but filthily. But a wise man once said, the end justifies what? say means. And another guy who was born in America called Malcolm once saided, By any means necessary is what you should achieve what That is why you have not heard me talk about that Mombasa incident because that would be destroying a business I can make money from. Infact a sorce close to trappers in Mombasa said that they were just doing normal prostituting and one Orangutan that was chased decided to destroy the business by making allegation that made them look bad.

So, on Friday,we happened to have beaten a small deal that each of us pocket 65k. 65k like that not planned for does not happen everyday.

After we putted it in our pockets, we wented to Magomano to thank
ourselves with a dry fried shicken of male. As we waited for it to burn, satan whispered to my ear to call a ka persons to come eat a portion of that 65k but head telled me to go deposit 60k on mpesa and remain with 5k plus other money I had for Friday plan to destroy . When I reached mpesa agent, satan whispered "mh. Shauri yako. Safaricom can fall tomorrow and it will fall with your money. Bank fall, its only mpesa? Dont say I did not warn you oh!"

I returned money in my pocket and saided I put in Airtel money instead. Then, i remembered they stole small money from me and refused to even listen to my plea to return. You all remember how I begged them to return it but where. So, I saided, let it remain in pocket, then when I see either coop or equity agent,I will deposit there. After all, I am not goint to come into contact with grinders aka trappers on that day. Head said, it is better for it to lost in bank than mpesa.

I returned in Magomano and we ramnyad the ka shicken. We then telled ourselves we beat two as we waited for darkness to come to know where we were going to sing Mugithi. As we were placing the order, I was torn between choosing to drink Tusker Light or Whitecup Light or Tusker Malt or Heineken, all beer of the rich. There was no way I was going to be having so much money in my pocket and still drink Tusker Lager like a person suffering from wallet malnutrition.

On that day, head was viewing Tusker as equal partner of Allsopps. As I looked around, I was feeling mercy for those drinking Tuskers or Whitecups coz head was telling me, it is money they did not have. I almost shed tears when I saw others drinking Barozi, coz in head, I knew they were just cheating themselves that it is sugar they dont like but in essence, they know in head that it eats one faster than Tusker. I felt tha also for some guys that were drinking Simainoff Vodka. I almost wented there to throw it out and buy them atleast a J & B and tell them Simainoff is only drinked in Bila Shoo, not a place with so much presite like Magomano.

For the first time since I was born, I asked to be served with Tusker Light. Even the waiter first refused to know because most of the time, he knew us as people that first beat KC so that Tusker can drink us well.

Before we finished round one, Mpesa saided that he has a ka persons that is reading how to treat cows in a school called ILRI. He told us that that persons will bring all persons that have not been split and if split, they were split by boys. Others, if they have ever been climbed, it was only once and their boyfriends went to USA and did not return. He called and asked her if she can deliver 4 or more persons to come drink until morning with the rich. She saided like Satan but after classes after 6.

When he mentioned about IRLI, we refused to know why we have been
struggling with trappers of exhibition who gets climbed every sato by different men. We refused to know why we struggle to pull persons from Facebook and we know very well that we once gotted some persons in Koinange at night facebooking. Some even check in "Galileo" while infact, they are behind Galileo trapping Indians. And all Indian like kwa nyeni. They say front, let it be left to the one that pays houserent.

It is this us, until Maxland where we planed to entertain them small before going to drink dogogio of expensive at Westlands where they will check in and tell all of their friends how some very very rich guys boughted them drink of 200 without closing even one eye or scratching skin.

Small time, like the rich, we called our other friends who had been hit by hard time, including Martin Maura. We chose carefully to call only those that had prospect of having money tomorrow of that week so that they can return hand. Others were determined if they could go spread news that we bought beer until all club stopped. If one could spread news, we called them.

Small, we were like 15. But the persons at IRLI kept beating story of giant until 9pm. Marto, as usual kept pestering me why the persons I promised will remove for him is. In head, I saided that since his choice I know, not easy to get, coz he prefers completely malnourished and tall and yellow yellow, he will eat home. Those are not easily found because they all speak good english and to tell them to come to Waiyaki way beyond Westi, it is to say very very bad.

Even at 11PM, the persons was saying she will come and deliver untouched persons. Small, we realised she was not going to come. We blamed Theuri because he had counted eggs before they had hatched. He had sweared that he will throw makobosto on wall if he hears small hindrance because that is an indication of not split. He saided that if she is yellow yellow enough, he will put her stomach and keep her because life these days requires one to keep instead of jumping jumping.

By the time it reached 2am, almost everyone had losted hope and most of the drinker pals had left either to home or to other joints after drinking beer without being asked to do equal equal.

But surprisingly, after having drinked over 20 Lights, it is when I was feeling like I had taken two Tuskers. That is why when one Prof saided we go to home and Theuri shouted "umuthi kani kwina kibimba night. Kambodians maihuire kuu tuthiei tukuma na andu" (Today, at Carnivore, there is kamba night. Lets go there and we will remove with something), I felt like I had been given a new lease of life. I could not imagine, with all those water in my stomach, I was as sobber as a judge.

I wanted to refuse story of Carnivore when I remembered that if my pm heard, even with rumours, or dreams that I was at Carni, she will not even give me notice of losting. She says i passed the age of going to kani long time. In her head, she thinks kani is gonned by small boys of 25 years and below. But I when remembered katimba cha mukamba, tree stretched until knee and saided, only wrong they can do is to stamp my hand. Infact I consider that as a sign of the beast. That stamp is not good oh. It is 999 in disguise.

It is this us until Kani. When we reached there, we saided that we will have to do ujanja and not pay the entrance fee of Kshs. 500 bob because it was almost morning. I am one of the greatest opposer of paying money to enter somewhere to drink dogogio. But since we were at Kani, we had no option because that is Kani, not Egesa.

We stood outside small to assess situation of how we will beat the system. Outside, we were standing with some guys, some with sleepers, others smart. But we refused to know why anyone can remove from Kitui kwa Kyelu and come to Kani and refuse to pay entrance or lack money to pay entrance. How can someone remove from all that far only to come and stand outside? Who does that?

As we were standing, Theuri spotted a thief pickpocketing a phone from some guy that was on the queue. He jumped and hit the thief until he fell on the ground. He then took the guy to police and soldiers guarding there and telled them to lock him in until he comes back.

The police, either thinking Theuri is their Senior or to thank him for the good job done, he held his hand and took him until inside, without him paying anything.

Small, one of the ushers spotted me as I was looking for ujanja to jump the line and not pay. She saw like I looked like a person who can do a deal. She came to me and asked me if I have 200 I enter. I saided like satan, gave him my 200 and I was inserted until inside. I telled the usher to also insert mpesa and The Prof, they are also of deal and cannot talk. Mpesa and professor were ushered in shortly after after paying the usher 200 without receipt.

When I telled them we go inside small to look for a place to sit, Theuri telled me we are VIPs. He saided that we look who has biggerst stomach and smart engough so that we pretend we were guarding him and say he is MP for Gatundu North. We settled on the Prof. Guarding him like real REECE squad, we walked until VIP area. The bouncer guarding did not stop us. At vip, we found an empty table next to Ken wa Maria who had like 5 persons he was giving stories of giants adn entertaining. Mpesa telled me to go tell him to accept to be beaten a photo with us so that we can post it on facebook tomorrow of that day to make all of you know that we know Ken wa Maria. I wented and whispered to him, but he seemed too engrossed with the persons to listen to me, leave alone to accept our request.

I returned to the table and called the waiter to serve the VIP. VIP seats comes with a price to pay. Beers at VIP were selling at 300 while where normal people seat, it was selling at 250. We refused to know what to do. Mpesa saided we wait small and see. Small, he came back holding 4 beers with hands. He excitedly telled us that he bought at a certain counter at 270. What a saving!

We refused to know if waiter will agree to open for us our beer because we boughted at a cheaper place. I beckoned him, although shaking small to come open. I was thinking he will tell me to get it opened where I bought, bui he did not. He open but refused to know what kind of VIP we were. VIP of cold, he thoughted.

For every round, we were doing like that. Persons that were seated behind us refused to know what kind of VIPs we were and removed from VIP because they could not tolerate drinking next to vips of cold. Instead of catching rich, they were catching stories of refusing to know.

As 5AM neared to reach, I went to the latrine and met a not so slender, yellow yellow, not tall and not short, a kind that Mato will salivate until tomorrow. She looked like size 8, even toes of hands. I filled myself like a boy child and saided I will talk to her, if she talks bad, I go away and if she talks good, its my lucky day. After all, I had money, I said. I neared her and introduced myself. She also introduced herself and when I heard a deep Kamba accent, my confidence doubled. My confidence doubles with the amount of shrub a persons produces. If she talks like a nigga, I will look from far until I am drunked enough to know how to speak ki nigga fluently. For that persons, head telled me that she had come all the way from Kitui and sharing a table to the crew would be a chance she can tweet or write on facebook that she has drinked with the leaders.

I pulled her until where the rest were seated and introduced to her. They all looked at me and said I am very bad if I can pull something so hot like that. Mpesa tried to tell me inm ear that she will put medicine on us but I told him off. I said with heart that even if it was medicine being putted, it is better to be putted by a sun like persons, I will not regret. Theuri also agreed with Mpesa that it was of medicine and if I had arranged with her to come and steal what we had made that day, I had milked a he-goat. He telled me to think otherwise because he had put his money on mpesa.

I asked what she wanted to drink and as usual, like its norm to all persons this days, they saided that beer I dont want to mention because it replaced my favourite black ice that was making it so easy for persons to put it on head. With this brand I wont mention, persons drink until you finish all money, that is the time she starts to feel like getting drunk.

This time, I did not go to the counter of 270. I gave waiter 300 bob exact to come with that beer of wasting money.

Since kitimba songs had finished by that time, we telled each other since we have sinned enough, we go to a mugithi place and enjoy small. We agreed Visa of Umo. We asked the persons to accompanied us and she did not refuse. Head started to tell me that indeed, she was of medicine.

It is this us, until visa. When we reached, sun had almost started to remove from Mombasa side. Head telled me that it is better to even stay until day complete because there is no difference of 6am or 8am. There is no small sin and big sin when it reaches 6am.

We refused to know if it was to enter or go home. And we had a persons who had it on head but had a very small chance that she was of satan. Infact she did not have thuruari at all because I had touched touched and felt shaved tiita. It is better to say true. And she was not refusing me to touch. But all the time, I was remembering that I had alot of money with me, money that police can get you with and say you are not good. I saw a vision of me waking up tomorrow of that day in that guest room having been stolen everything.

I did not like that vision, so, I telled MPesa to take the ka persons, I was no longer interested. He telled me to arrange myself, he also was not interested because he saw many tutimbas at Carni but did not talk to any. He saided that he can smell medicine from 18!

I drew how to throw her. I telled the ka persons to go to that Guest at Visa and check if there was available rooms and how much they were charging.

In her head, because she had seen with heart that I had money with me, she knew she had finally hit a jackpot.

She removed from the car with speed and wented to the guest to inquire. After she inserted her head inside that guest room's gate, we zoomed like lack of importance from Visa.

I then went home and as usual when I go home when sun is in the sky, I tip toe until sitting room. I then putted myself in the seat to create an impression that I came home last night drunk and slept on the couch. Before laying myself, I removed money I had hid in the socks and in boxer, remained only 2k in my wallet and hid it in a crack inside one of the seats so that PM does not see that money. If she sees, she will give it work there there and it will not even be enough because works exceeds money all the time.

But PM had woken up earlier and heard that I had not come yet. Small, she came and started to read for me for coming so early in the morning.

She read and read and her reading now started to become soothing lullaby for me to sleep like a baby. Small, I felt myself. It was 12PM. I removed from seat and the first thing I did was to think of the money I had last night. I looked for it everywhere. In my wallet, in the socks but where. Only 2k in my wallet.

The first thing that came to my mind was that I had been stolen. I felt sad that the money was stolen by that size 8 look alike persons. I wanted to cry loudly but then said, I will make another deal, of men get lost many places.

It is after I came from washing myself that I started to recount my steps since I entered that house. Small, memory returned and remembered I had hid money somewhere in the house. Memory returned and when I found the money where I had hid, I felt like I had been born again. But the amount that was remaining almost made me refuse to know. I didnt know that Tusker Malt that very very expensive!. That is why, even if I beat a jackpot of what, I will stick to my Tusker. I saw again, Tusker Light, let those that want to drink drink it, but if it eats your money, dont say I did not tell you.

I saided that since in head, I had losted all of it, let me put it in MPESA and it remain there. If they fall, they will fall with many, not just mine.

I remain,

Dagitari Onjohi.

The Other Side Of Embu

A few weeks ago, we had gone to buy a Friend a PM in Embu. I dont know why, but of late, it has become a norm every weekend to hear a guy i know, or a person that is known to a mutual going to buy a PM in Embu or Meru.

I dont know why is this , but I have interacted with a few Embians persons and I know they qualify for that position more than any other languages I know. They will not shout at their husbands, just like their Merians sisters. I heard with rumors that if a meru persons loves you, she will become like a tick. She cant remove from you and will never err you, even once, unlike the persons from where most of us comes from. They all have become like persons of Nairobi where once you go out without her, she also goes out with her friends and meet in the morning when cock starts crowing. The remaining good ones have been teached by persons of Kabete how to be licked eyes by cats. In short, all persons are same same as of those of Kabete.So, for persons of nowadays, I advise them to enter internet and look for Europeans who have no idea that they are licked in the eyes.

Anyway, we wented to Embu with my group and paid the money that was demanded. Before leaving Nairobi, some were of the idea that we should carry persons from here because we had no intention of removing from Embu at night. In their head, they were thinking Embu is like Ngarua where they comes out with gamboots when its raining or slippers when its dry. They also wear kamisis and bikers and hood, so, even if one looks like sun, you cant touch. I was among those that vehemently opposed carrying of persons. I have been to Embu before and persons that comes out looks like sun and have it on head.

Among those that come with it on head are pupils of Embu Medical Training and I happened to know a persons there. When I telled them that the supply will outweigh the demand, some agreed with me.

Among the things I am well known for among my friends is my many contacts of persons. I know so many persons and most of them knows that whenever I call them, I call them either to meet my rich friends or to come and taste the zig zag. Although they prefer the rich friends, they also enjoy the zig of the leader.

To cut the loong story short, I contacted the pupil persons and telled her that I was in need of good supply of persons, those that had it on head, had no month and were ready to bask near fire. She telled me that she can get as many and that all had it on head. I asked if hers was on head and she telled me there was no way Leader could bring his zig in Embu and it fail to sleep inside a persons. Tree stretched until knee level.

I asked how many of the guys wanted supply. Almost all of them saided let persons come. But when I measured their devils, only 3 looked serious. Some wanted to look for themselves, others as I know them, wait until a persons is drunked by other people to make a good ground for them to strike when their buying ability decreases. So, I telled that pupil to only come with 3 persons.

It is this us, until a place called Kenol. Kenol for those who dont know is the bar that says in Embu. It is a unique bar because if you buy one crate, they beat you a photo and hang it inside there. At first, I was thinking that it was for those who losted with bill, but was telled that it is put there to remind you where your money finishes next time you pop in.

After we settled, I called the persons. In our sitting arrangements, we had satted according to how we have slept horns. Those who were waiting for my persons sat near me. Those that were timing trappers of there sat together.

Small, phone cried. The persons telled me they had finally arrived with a taxi because of rain and they wanted me to go pay. I asked how much is taxi and she saided two hundred. I telled her to do harambee among themselves and come inside, I will refund as it has borned. I then directed her to where we were seated.

Small, a group of persons emerged. She came with 6 persons and only two looked like sun well well. After greeting us, I telled the waiter to prepare us a table next. I then telled Theuri we move to that table. In ear, he whispered to me "Munene, ka wi na ngomaaa? kai weta kirathi kigima? Nie reke ndiethere njangiri guku icio ciaku wifange nacio" (Leader, you have Satan? you have called a whole class? Let me arrange myself with jangiris inside here, arrange yourself with those.

Akuku and Mpesa agreed and we shifted to that table. Small, Theuri came and saided to me in ear

"Guitigira ni kuhara. Ici imundu ni jui uria ciendaga. Reke tucietirie makari. cikinina half ithatu cia GIN kana Smirnoff Vodka igukorwo ikiuga ngemi ni kurio. Ona shukuru inyuaga Bluemoon. (To fear is to go broke. This persons I know how to handle them. We will make them drink Hard liquor. If they take Gin or Vodka, by rd, they will be screaming here because of being drunk. Even in college, they drink Bluemoon"

I looked at him and considered that an invention of the decade. In loud voice, I asked them "Mtakunywa Gin ama Vodka?

They looked at each other and refused to know. The one near me saided "Mimi nitakunywa Simainof led"

Head telled me she meant Smirnoff red, a sister of Black ice. I telled her Smirnoff Vodka is the best because even us, we will drink that because it even brings warmth on a cold day like that.

The others looked at each other. Theuri telled me in ear "Ndugacihe options. Cinyuaga kinya Bluemoon ona tucihaicitie iguru muno kugura Vodo. na Ciauga cinyue macohi mau metagwo anga Redds nituona uru tondu
itingirio" (Dont give them options. They drink Bluemoon, we have even kept them up by ordering Vodka. And if they drink Redds, we are finished, it does not eat anyone"

Head immediately telled me that the governement of coalition finished long ago, no more consultations. I called the waiter and ordered Half Vodo and 3 sodas.

The vodo half came with the soda, plus 6 whiskey glasses. I poured in all glasses, then putted soda in all then welcomed them to partake the drink. But all half had finished completely. So, I started to question the wisdom of Theuri small.

The persons looked at each other and no one was talking. Theuri telled them to drink and not to worry, they will drink until they write on facebook how they were drank last night.

From the group, only two dranked small. One of them looked red in eyes like a drinker of bangi, had a nostril and 10 earings on each ear. The other one was short and momo and round, like football. She looked like you could kick her and she would roll until the other goal post. In head, I was liking the one with many earings. Head was telling me that incase mine says month, that looked the better option because her bangi canot tell the leader that she does not get climbed on first date.

The supplier of persons saided she will not drink beer. I asked why and she siaded that she has not gotten used to.

I got sad and very sad, knowing that that is being told, Dude, month came unexpectedly and I dont want to drink your beer for nothing. Please, arrange yourself.

I begged her to take even a sip. She then telled me "Aki sijazoea hizi. nataka kukunywa Kingfisher moja tu!" Tree stretched again until knee.

I knelt down for happiness. With Kingfisher, head is guaranteed and you spend much less and in beer terms, one means until I fall down or until you stop buying.

Then, she telled me, "aki hawa madame wengine watatu hawajazoea pombe. Si wakunywe ile wanataka mild kiasi?"

With my tree standing for imagining my tree sleeping inside her, I did not refuse. I telled Theuri that it has beaten. He saided that each take care of two two from the group.

After two beer, mahungries of Embu started to stream in, and the first place they were landing was on our table. The persons looked like they were known by every patron. Akuku came to me and in ear, saided "Mundu uyu kai urehire njangiri cituikirire dawa utuhenagie ni tuiretu twa college? ngoma" (You brought us trappers to put us medicine and lying to us they are pupils of college. Satan)

Then, a guy who had accompanied us but was not interested in persons called me out. He telled me in ear

"Munene, kamundu kau winako ti kega ona hanini. Ni kamaraya. Ta riu kanda ingi hau ndaigua ikiuga igekite maita ta 40. Kafa urie njaro baba. ndaigua makiuga ikuhe giaku mbeca nyingi kiaria rio" (Leader, that persons you are with are not good. Like yours, i heard a guy say he has climbed her 20 times, even now, he might snatch her. He just need to bid higher when she drinks small small from you"

By that time, I had been dranked like satan. I telled him off and telled him that I was not looking for a virgin.

But when I returned, my opinion about them had dropped small and I started toi salivate on the "bangi drinker".

As drinking entered well, I telled my persons, the supplier that today, I will climb her and one of her friends who had red eyes. She looked at me with bad eyes but did not talk. Head telled me she is used to be climbed with her friends. So, I said I will have my first ever 3's.

As we were drinking, they would leave small, some to dance, others I dont know.

Small, Theuri came to me. I was almost refusing to know myself and napping small as per my tradition. He came and called me aside. He then telled me

"Hena imundu haha ndona, njega. Niukwenda twifange nacio? Iria ciaku irenda o kunywa mani" (I have seen persons, good. Can we arrange ourselves with them? Yours only want to drink. How do you see?)

I asked him " How much are they charging

He telled me that those persons I brought, although they are pupils, they destroy men of Embu with tiitas every weekend. He telled me that he had taken 3 to the car and putted fingers. He saided that that mine, it is makobosto that lacked. He even wented and bought makobosto but she refused to come out of bar again.

He telled me that for those two, they were no trappers even small, just some pupils of Meru university, they just want somewhere to sleep until morning. Tree hit me in head. I saided I be shown where they were. One was malnourished, another one was not momo and not malnourished, inbetween. I asked him which one is mine. He telled me the momo small. In head, he knew if he gave me the malnourished, I would have declined his offer.

I looked around and saw no one was seeing me leave. I closed eyes not to be seen leaving and walked out, followed by Theuri and his persons. We inserted in car until a popular place with climbers called Highway Motel.

When we reached, I asked the receptionist if anyone can leave room alone, leaving his partner. Here, I was measuring if I can be putted medicine and be left in room. She siaded no, but it is advisable to leave all valuables at the reception

I removed my phones and handed to them. I then removed wallet and realised that it had been punched a huge hole. I counted money and gave to them. Theuri too did the same.

Up, until room. ii, clothes off, iii, legs putted 180 degrees, ii, insert tree, ii, eat somebody, then sleep, only to feel myself in the morning when she woked me up. She had already bathed and putted clothes and looked ready to leave. I tried to jump but she telled me, she cant remove again, she was late.

Dejected, I washed my body and removed downstairs where I met Theuri and many others who had lodged there drinking Shiken soup. All of them had persons except Theuri. Theuri, because the malnoushed did not look so appealing, had removed from room and losted to downstairs where he could not be seen well.

Then, small, the persons I was to ramnya also emerged from room with another guy who was not from Nairobi. i tried to hide my face and when she saw me with vagina of her eyes, she dashed and losted not to be seen well.

To measure my devil, she smsed me a while later and asked me why I left her. I telled her its her who losted and my phone died of fire. She telled me that she stayed there until morning when she went back to school.

After she drinked soup, I gave her fare to go to Meru. But in head, I refused to believe that that was a pupil of Meru Uni. I cant be wrong. They must have been trappers disguised as pupils.

I am,

Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr. Gyno.

When My Memory Does Not Serve Me Right

Whatever one says when he is dogogio can come to haunt you later when dogogio removes from head unless you are the kind that remembers what you say even when you are asleep.

On Friday, I happened to have entered a bar called Tribeka earlier that I am supposed to enter any bar of Nairobi of up because I was with one Silver Furaha Gaita. And because I wanted Martin Maura to share the pain I go through sitting at a bar with a persons that only drinks Delmonte, for reasons best known to her (though I suspect either she does not want to go to Satan some day or drinks Bluemoon while hiding, I hope Wangu Gaita will one day remove the secret)

I have no problem with Delmonte, its affordable anytime, but to have a persons remove well well when under the influence of Delmonte, is as impossible as convincing Safaricom to write off my Mshwari loan.

As I was drawing which lie to give her so that she can go back home after finishing one delmonte and wait for me until night because I wanted to roam small and onja onja something new in town, she received a phone call from another 'senior'. The senior removed a plot for her and the plot was to go to a Shineese place and eat rice with toothpick at 200 bob a plate. When she telled me that something had come up and she was not going to stay with me for the rest of the evening as she had promised, I knelt down. In her head, Silver was thinking that I was begging her to stay, but in head, I was thanking whoever called her. She telled me not to worry she will be there for me tomorrow of that day. I shedded small tear of crocodile and escorted her, still begging her to return, but only with mouth. But head was asking when we will leave each other so that my phone can start ringing and when I pick, I hear 'Sasa Onjohi, leta plot oiye, leo ni friday, there is no month and its on head"

After she left, I returned to Tribeka, then remembered that the price of one beer is 200 bob. One bottle only!. Since I was borned, I have never been drunked by beer of Nairobi of up. Not because it does not cook like of other places, or it has been added water, no. But the price of it cannot make me be drunk, even small, it only makes me angry. On average, for me to start removing stories in good English, I drink 9 beers. That is an average of 1800 in Nairobi of up before being stolen even one bottle. Even if someone is buying for me, I cant be drunk, reason, I will be feeling mercy for the buyer for spending too much on me. I would rather, if you are buying me, say 5 dogogios, give me half of what 5 beers cost there and let me leave small. If I return sober, I am of satan. I am not saying we dont drink there, we drink but we start in down town and when we get drunk, it means we are ripe for Nairobi of up.

Small, I stole myself until Nyanza house's Beams where Theuri, Mpesa and Akuku were drinking to prepare to destroy Nairobi of up later. I beated 8 beers and when I heard that I could now talk Queens English fluently, I returned to Nairobi of up.

I met Martin already overwhelmed by expensive beer, almost losting. I had telled him to join me in River road but he refused becaue he was waiting for some persons there. Behind him were some persons, sun small, and it looked like they also had good buyers in their table because the table had been destroyed. I looked at one and closed one eye. She smiled and head telled me to close the other one. She smilled even more. Head telled me that it was almost good time to strike but wait small until that time I saw the buyers were finishing money. That is the best time to hit, one good time and hard.

After some time, I saw the buyers were not getting tired. I moved closer to the one that was responding to my closing of eye and in ear and in good english, I saided "My name is Dr Wanjohi. I work with an NGO and I also do constrution of storey buildings of my own..... blah blah. all stories of giant.

She got impressed with my CV and telled me she was called ***deleted.

I telled her that her name and face reminded me of Gwyneth Paltrow. She asked who that was. I telled her never to mind. I telled her her that next day, I was going to Nakuru for Smirnoff experience which I was a lead organizer and if she minded going with us. She saided like satan. I borrowed her no and she telled me to give her mine so that she flash.

I pretended to remove business card from the wallet, then return wallet . But my intention was to show her that that wallet had something worth being stolen if she was of medicine.

I then read her my no and she flashed. Then her name showed on my phone as *** deleted. I showed her my phone that it was recognizing her name, even though she was a stranger to me. I telled he that my phone is very very tech, it tells me the name of who calls me, even if it is satan. I dont know where if gets names but it displays names like magician. She looked at me and looked at my phone and refused to know. She saided that I was a magician, but I reminded her I was a doc with a superior gadget that only me and Uhuru has it in this whole republic.

Stoeis small, of what she does and what I do and satan started to tell me to ask her if she will drink one, but head telled me not to ask because her buyers had not gotten tired.

Small, we shifted from there to Mojos because I wanted all those that knows me to see me in all bars of Nairobi of up so that they can know I also drink expensive beer. Small, I saw her text me 'What time do we meet tomorrow for nax?"

I texted back "mind joining us at Mojos we discuss further?"

She texted "where are you seated I come?

That text alone, I heard my tree hit my face until I fell backward. I texted her to come and soon, she was there.

When I looked at her figure and face again, I knew that if I allowed myself and her to remain there small, she will soon be history. She will either return to Tribeka or be stolen by Martin. She was like what he likes, malnourished small and chocolate.

I confused Martin and telled him that I am going to take that ka persons to another dude that I had promised to give her a persons in return for beer until morning and following day's beer in Nakuru. I telled him that since there she was, let me just take her.

The persons and I left for Psys. When we reached there, we beated one and small, head telled me that Mugithi makes persons ukia more than music of noise. Also, I wanted to show Theuri and Akuku that I am returning to when I was bad and they had telled me they are now destroyng money in Ngara. For some months now, they have been telling me that I am now downgetting senile because I dont drink with persons nowadays as I used to. And if I am seen with one, I lost and leave then in bars. I wantedt to prove them wrong.

It is these us, until Ngara's Grace Villa. Mugithi, it is that until 3. After that, what happened happened, I was drunk and I cant really give an accurate account of the events, but what I know is that I gave a solver 200 bob to go buy for me makobosto, but he did not give me change, I also know that zig slept inside, and it felt good, and it made the persons say mbus with no mathematics and I also know that I left 1k on the table for fare, and also remember being begged to stay a little longer.

Tomorrow of that day, we were supposed to be in Nax by 3 for Smirnoff experience. My phone had been off because of fire and sleep. When I switched it on, I was called satan and the trip was cancelled. I know I letted many people down, and I am sorry, things happen and satan is bad, not me.

But among the smses of abuses and others, was from the persons I was with.

"Hello Dr. Wanjohi. I hope you are good. You are truly a gentleman and a lovely man. Are we still going to Nakuru?"

I smilled because even my clients, they dont call me DOCTOR, they call me Dagitari, so I felt honoured for the first time in a long time. Although I did not return her sms, I felt good the whole evening.

Now today, I received a call from her. "Dr. Wanjohi how are you?"

I was abit amazed because its not easy to find a persons with so much disclipine. She hadnt called since sato morning and today, she did not risk to sms the Doctor. Doctors are senior people, you know.

I saided I am as good as fiddle.

She saided "This is ****, remember me"

I saided "How can I forget you. How are you ****"

know it is her. She saided, "I am ok. I still have your card, are you in the office?"

I refused to know because the last time I putted my business cards in my wallet was when I was selling GNLD stuffs when I had landed on foot. In the card, it was written I was a manager, just to raise my ego because in head, I was only a manager of cold. Which manager with no salary, only a title. But it makes those who dont know you fear you.

I thoughted maybe, I must have given out other peoples card, so I started to recount my very moment since I started talking to her. I then telled her I was in the office.

She asked "The same office you directed me on Friday?"

I refused to know which office I directed her, but in head, I thoughted I might have saided somewhere along Kimathi street. I have several places you can get me, and all are in River road, but even if I am dogogio how, I cant direct on to River road.

During lunch time, I telled the persons we can eat lunch at a place of her choice. She saided near our office. I got even more confused. I asked where, she saided Kosewe. Me and Kosewe are inlaws, only goes there once a month where thao drank water on one sitting but since I have not seen people quing soo much in ATMS, it means that the commissions have not been paid. All of a sudden, I was in upperhill and I am still there.

And because I want to maintain the CV I created on day one for some time since I want to Onja that thing when I am myself, I dont want to create impression that I lied to her. Who got an idea what giants stories I telled her? I want the CV to remain, I clkimb again and again until she will know that I am an ordinary Onjohi when we meet in River road swinging nyees there.

In the meantime, I might have given out Wanjohi Githae's coz his card is missing from my wallet. Sorry brother but if you receive a strange call, from persons with smooth voice, tell them to call you on your 'other' number or say you are my personal assistance.

I am Dagitari Onjohi,
Snr. Gyno.

The Power Of Brookies

Yesterday I saided that my tree and heart refuses to know when I see bare brookies or excess cleavage. Although I was dogogio bad when I wrote that, I remembered another story that happened many years ago. The story involved sharp brookies and a Cambodian persons.

I happened to be beating dogogio with some sun like cambodian persons last night until early this morning. I reminded the persons a fact that no tiita in this whole world can equal of Cambodian's. Thats a fact and even Theuri and Akuku agreed with me and that they have never seen an orangutan Cambodian persons. Most of them have natural beauty. Another fact is that all or most Cambondians persons know how to hold josto once inside their tiitas. They know how to strangle it once inside. Real strangling like the way a bouncer can strangle you in a bar for falling on people's drinks. Although Theuri saided that these days, these young generation of ukuyus also know how to strangle josto once inside (huraaah), it reminded me a story of many years that involved brookies and a cambodian.

One time when I was living in the then Mungiki and thiefs infested Kaiobangi North. The two used to compete who would slaughter more people than the other per day. It was a single roomed house and my room was direct opposite sinks of washing utensils.

There was this Cambondian ka persons housegirl that never used to wear bra and her brookies were so sharp that even without a bra, they were not falling down. She, like many original Kambodians looked like sun and with big thutha, but she was very very short. Standing, she reached me at waist. I was not sure of her age, but she had passed 18 years only small. I used to ukia but because she was a housegirl, head was telling me not to even think of thinking climbing.

One Sunday afternoon, she was washing utensils there at the sink and I was cooking meat. I removed out to sink to draw small water as well as to see brookies life life. When I reached near her, she telled me;

"Aki Wanjoi si uniitie nyaama?"

I smilled small and looked at brookie and first refused to know what to say. Shyly, I saided, "twede tukure"

In head, I was thinking it was only a joke because there was no way I could let her enter my house because one, it was a shame and two, her boss used to look like she could murder even Mungish single handedly. You know those that look bad, even when they are not bad.

I telled her again we go. I saw her look that side and that side to make sure no one was seeing. When I entered house, she followed me.

I removed meat from stove and putted in two plates and we started eating. When I looked at her brookies again, tree stretched until knee level.

To cut story short, small we found ourselves without clothes. In head, I was thinking that she has never been split because she also looked innocent. When I came on top and positioned tree in tiita, I felt her short legs surround my back and held me tight.

When I inserted, to be honest, it was another sand papered tiita. Tree inside, it got strangled by muscles of tiita, then mbus. With each pump, she would swing herself like when one is dancing Lingala and strangle tree more, sometimes releasing her grip on my back and hitting my spinal code with her legs. As usual when you are climbing such a tiita, I did not last even 2 minutes.

But even after pouring, she was not stopping to swing and strangle the now deflated tree. I tried to flee myself from her grip at my back but where. She did that until she poured.

After, she returned clothes, the next hard task was how to remove from my house. When she was about to come out, somebody was passing. After small time I telled her to enter a sack I remove her from my house in that sack and deposit her near sink.

I then removed to a chemist nearby and boughted Postino 2 and made sure she drank it as I was seeing with my eyes. But she assured me that even if she does not drink it, her days were safe.

After that, every other house girl in the plot of 5 floors knewed I had climbed her. But on a positive note, they all wanted to also come and onja meat that I used to cook daily. I got so shamed in that plot because even housewifes were telled that I am the one that climbs their housegirls and ivin them money and when they were seeing me cimb stairs, they used to spit saliva. I even was forced to move out, though it was a lie, I only climbed that one and once only.

But even today, when I remember the game I got from her, I ukia. And its not okiaring small, real hard on. But Theuri telled us yesterday that real Cambodians get trained by aunties and Grannies how to swing and strangle. How true that is, only Stephen Musyoka can attest.

I am,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno.
River Road Inc.

Why I Did Not Become A FreeMasons.

I have seen people call Uhunye a Freemason just because his PM will be holding for him the swearing Bible. I am not a fanatic, so I reserve my comments. And again, I dont know much about Freemasons but were it not for three people, I would be one of the "freemasons" in Kenya.

My dream of becoming a freemasons was stopped by 3 people. The solder that guards that place, a mkamba conman and Satan.

Long time ago, a matatu biz I was doing had hit rock botton, infact it was being looked for by auctioneers because it had a loan that it was not paying and it had passed the age of being able to pay a loan by itself without external assistance, making me go hide it in some place called Borabu some very remote place than Rumuruti. The taxi business I was doing very bad also, it was barely even able to even make it drink petrol of 200. In my exhibition stall, customers were passing my shop as if there was no shop at all and buying from neighbor. In short, I had landed on foot well well.

I looked for answers of why I had landed on foot like that and refused to know. One day, I said a small prayer in my bedroom. I telled God that he had a week to return my biz into profitability, failure to which I will defect.

God is never threatened, so, nothing changed at all.

One day, I remembered that there is a place I had been seeing when I was going to visit my friends at University of Nairobi, that i had heard with rumors that they pray Satan.

I first went to google and researched what free masons were. In google, it saided that they don't worship Satan, and that its a highly secretive society of rich men. Infact you must believe in some being in order to be a member.

I searched further how to enter and saw that you must be introduced by a two members. I searched further and saw that to know a member, it was impossible because they don't go saying they are members.

In my research, I found that you don't sacrifice people as it was rumored, so I got some reprieve, though I had no major problem with that because if i was asked to sacrifice, I would have gladly given our Theuri or persons that I was ramnyaring before business went down. I also had many taxi clients who I could have given out with pleasure, especially those that I was taking home and were deciding to pay me with 'pleasure".

One day, one of the auctioneer guy called and telled me that they have finally gotten clue of where I had hidden the matatu and if I did not want embarrassment, I avail 10k so that he can turn a blind eye on where it was. I thinked what to do but refused to get answers. I knew if they got hold of it, me and that matatu will be inlaws and all money I had paid isl lost on earth.

I filled myself and saided that I will go to freemasons hall and seek info directly of how to urgently became a member. When I reached gate, I met a soldier; old, haggard and hungry. I telled him I wanted to go inside. He said that saying I want to go in, is like saying I want to enter statehouse to shoot the president. I made known my mission. He first looked at me with eyes of satan.

He called me aside and telled me so sit with him inside those to houses of soldiers. He then said "kijana, to be a member here is not easy because you must be introduced by an existing member. And dont be cheated that if you come here, you must sacrifice anybody. But If you want info, bring me one thousand and you will be home and dry".

Asking me for a thousand was like asking a fly to donate blood. I telled him to allow me enter first. He telled me that he can, if I insist, but I dont blame him what will happen to me. He telled me that he once allowed some two stubbon guys and what they saw, they even jumped over the fence as they losted away.

I went back to town and came back with a thao. When I gave him, he telled me

"Kijana, you are very lucky because you are courageous. You are like another one that came here a few weeks ago. I sent him to a member that has chemists all over (si u told me you are a doctor?). He was coming on foot and a few weeks later, he now he comes with sports cars, changin ever now and then. And all are cars of shops. You know how to check cars of shop? like here, all cars that come here are of shops. "

I said no. He said I will know when I start buying cars of shops and that will happen when I enter.

Blood boiled and I almost called the auctioneer to go get the matatu if he knew for real. But in head, I was asking why he himself has not joined. Satan would whisper "how many lecturers did you have that looked worse? and they teached you until you passed. Some people are made like that"

He telled me that he is going to send me to a guy that has many businesses in Nyamakima, and has fleets of buses that go to Ukambani and his name is Mwanzia.

I saided he do it faster. He said that since he was senior guy and very rich, he was the only one who could call me. I agreed because, you dont call Rich, they call you. And when you call reach, you call shaking more put a sound of fear and respect. So, he asked me to leave him my number and when he came to the freemasons hall at night, he will pass my desire to join and my number.

In my head, it telled me that I had been conned a k, so I walked back to town dejected.

When I reached my stall, customers started to see it. The persons that I had written there started to show smilling face. She had not been paid for month, used to take only fare and in her head, she knew that since money was now comming, all her arrears wil be cleared that day. That day, I sold and sold until I paid her one month salary. In head, I said maybe God had seen my threat was serious and had decided to maintain me on his side because I am good naturally.

At night, when I was trapping with my taxi, I got so many customers until I prayed for forgiveness for thinking of defecting to some places I didnt know..

I telled God that if the momentum will be maintained like that, I will stop sinning, and would not even close one eye to persons.

Following day, at exactly 5, my phone cried. The guy one the other end, in a very very heavy kamba accent saided "ao a yu"

I said "Msuli sana"

He saided "uko wapi kiyana? mimi naintwa Mwansia. Nilimpeo nama yao nikaamiwa unantaa ku yoin yama"

I asked "chama gani"

He replied "Si wewe unaio Wayoi" I said Naitwa Wanjohi, sio Wayoi. It is then I remembered that the guy that was to call me was named Mwanzia and quickly and in loud voice, I said, aa, nimekumbuka. ndio nataka ku join chama".

He then said "saa hii uo wawi? I saided "Tom Mboya."

He said 'Kuya hapa sanglet otel saa hii. sawa? "

I asked which Sagret because i know two. One in river road and another one opposite former CID headquarters Nairobi of up. He said of River road. I refused to know.

In head, i knew I was dealing with a con because, at Sagret of river road, you cant talk weighty matters like joining free masons. You only discuss small matters, like making fake degree certificates and title deed.

I said, although I formally withdrew my candidature and was no longer interested in joining the free masons, I said, let me go and see how they look like.

When I reached, I saw a guy as thin as Kagame, with beard not shaven beckon me. He introduced himself as Mwanzia.

There there, he telled me to sit down and to buy him a Tusker as we talked. I agreed but refused to know how a rich man would ask a poor looking aspirant of riches to buy him beer.

He then started to talk of how rich he is, how he imports stuff from Shina and his many matatu business. That confirmed that he was fake. Those are stories we only talk when we are dogogio like Satan. Thats the only time we get confidence of singing goats that you have never even seen.

Small, he telled me that to introduce me, I have to pay a membership fee of 200k, but he will pay 75% of that. So, I need to raise 50k. He said it was supposed to show him I am committed. He telled me that and I must be sure if I want to join coz once I join, I cant remove.

Knowing too well that that he was a con, I telled him to give me a week or so. From there, I was seeing his calls and I would throw saliva out.

That is how close I came to be a freemasons. The other closest thing

Later, I told akina Theuri and Akuku how I almost became a Freemasons though I did not tell him that he would have been my number one target if sacrifices were asked. He would refuse to know what a animist I can get when I have landed on foot.

I remain,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno.
SOMT (Seer of Many Things. )

Looks That Lie

I climbed a matatu No. 11 from Parkland and I satted next to a persons that looked like sun. Infact sun is an understatement.. she looked like a Half Mhindi and half coast. Like the way Pasaris used to look when he was young,  not momo and not malnourished,  a figure you and me can die for.

IN head, I was telling myself.. that, si now, there is  a dudes that ramnyas this thing and maybe he does not even say thank you? He removes like a bicycle. Maybe a dude somewhere can refuse to pick her call because he has other mpangos? And what mpango would one have better than this one.  I was telling myself that if it was me, I would not even allow her to climb mats, its better trouble remains.

In head, I telled myself that if only I knew English of niggas well well, I would have talked to her like satan.

Small, I telled myself to strengthen like a boy of child and talk to her, she might enter box and agree to accompany me where Martin Maura is drinking so that I go lie I have brought him persons and after buuuying expensive dogogio, we lost?

In head, I started to rehearse good English lines, and possible answers she would give, and my replies to her replies in order for me to win her there and then.

Head telled me to say "Hey baby, yo so, sexxy" and head telled me she would reply "theeenx" and I would reply 'seen me before?" She would say "Nooo" and I would reply " Even on facebook?" And she would reply "aii.. noo" and I would reply "Thats where I work." And she would say "you are funny" and I would say""theenk you baby. And yo look like Liyana, nawamsain " and she would say "waoo, really? and I would reply "but you are a little bit sexier, you know." And she would reply "You can say thal again" and would say "do u mind dlinking dogogio of nairobi of up? like at Tribeka? then she would say "What is dogogio? I would reply.. Lets go there u will see what dogogio is" and she would say "I dont do Tribeka, I do, Westi" and I wold say "wherever you want we will go, but lets try Tribeka and if you dont like the place, I will double your money" and she would say "In that case, I have putted my thuruari on my bag! Lets go!"

Before finishing to think the possibles, we reached Roast house area and her phone ringed. She picked and in loud voice, she saided:

"harooo ooi poree sana, sikua na clendit. washa nieke clendit nikupigie nikichuka kwa gali"

Oi!!!, I refused to know how such a sun like persons can shrub like that, badder than me even.


I jumped from the matatu because I did not want to hear another word from her.


As I was walking away, I remembered another persons Theuri used to have.  She was sun like, dark and small lips, meaning even tiita was small. She also had a job, so, she used to throw rounds too.  But the moment she opened her mouth to talk, everyone would refuse to know. Out of topic and shrubing like satan. Theuri used to avoid her unless they were two. If he felt he wanted to pour, he would either go to her house or call her where only them two were.




I remain,


Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr Gyno.

Where Do You Live?

• Although all these Suzzy Tujuane 'rants' is fast becoming tired, there is a story it reminded me small. Not funny but true.
  

  
  Majority of people that live in South C dont like people of Eastlands. Eastlands has been destroyed name for by persons from Far east. Far east is polite word for Uyore for those who comes from Ngarua and Kinoo. The persons of far east are famous for putting rice in peoples drink and also houses Mungiki. Therefore, I understand when people refuse to know.
  
  Same thing with us here. If you tell me you live in I dont know porshy estate, I first think of the next "unfavorable" estate near where mentioned. Like if a persons tells you she lives in Umo 2, fill for yourself she lives in far east. If a persons tells you she lives in Pangani, fill for yourself that it is Mathare. If it says it is Ngong rd, that is Kawangare. It is says Thika road, it is either Githurai near thiefs or Mathare north. I will tell you why.
  
  Not long ago, as I was swinging nyees in town, I entered an exhibition that sells clothes. I entered and scanned through and in one shop, I saw a persons that looked like sun from out, just like that Tujuane shick. Infact sunner coz she was taller and was smiling to me.
  
  She was the kind that you say, if you climb her, you will stay for one week without washing that josto so as not to wash that feeling away. In head, I knew it was an uphill task to get her come to Magomano because she looked soo sun and demand looked like it was very very high. She is the kind you call at 8 and she tells you.. 'imagin niko home, mpangoless". You refuse to know how that can happen, of all the persons. She is supposed to be with rich of the surrounding, destroying money with them, not mpangoless.
  
  To emerge on top, I to do what a clever wama rabbit would do - show them the money. Show them that you work at Delarue.
  
  Fast forward, small she agreed to come and help the leader to destroy few thousands.
  
  When she came, she ordered Black ice. If a persons asks for Black Ice, I knewed it was on head. Persons put thuruari on head faster if they take black ice, so it was a guarantee I was going to eat a sun like persons.(And by the way, KBL should go to satan. That Snapp shit has complicated our game. It does not eat them faster and well well like Black Ice and all persons have now turned to that shit)
  
  As we talked about "her" business, she asked me where I live. Since I had telled her that I work for the man drawn in 40 bob coin (You dont say directly Delarue, many persons dont know, so you must include the owner of the business) she looked at me like she refused to know. She saided that most Eastlands people are so ghetoish. Eastlands people dont know what fries is, 50% think it is meat of fry, and the other 50% think it is those things that lives near latrines, easlands people dont know how to dress and dont speak good english, and dont know Opennings.
  
  I took that as a compliment and telled her that nevertheless, she should never blacken a tractor because of dust. People that own Nairobi comes from Muranga, then Eastlands. When I asked her where she lived, she telled me she lived in Ngumo estate. There there, I knew that I was dealing with a baby of rich and cannot be climbed in Ngara or other funny places like Nawas, rest, thuruari will refuse to be removed.
  
  After she refused to know herself, we wented to a place called OAKWOOD Guest house, only Rich allowed.
  
  For those who dont know nairobi well, it is opposite The Stanley. Room go for 6k plus for ONE DAY ONLY!!. And you dont go with the bed in the morning. That is for sleep ing and you leave like that.
  
  As I was climbing her, I was telling myself that I was climbing a baby of a rich person and that made me feel good 5 times over.
  
  After on joti, like a person who had been bewitched, tree refused to wake up again. I tried and tried and when I saw it could not wake up even with medicine, I telled the persons I drop her home
  
  She was not liking the idea but she washed herself and removed from room.
  
  When we reached Ngumo, she directed me to a gate near where matatus reach end. She then entered gate and I lefted.
  
  I dropped her many other times because she did not feel like not having to be climbed by a guy that works for the guy in the 40bob not. One day, I saw a persons in the same exhibition. She had heard with rumor that I work for Delarue and I remove money so easily like satan, so she wanted to have a share.
  
  Small, she putted it on head. Though she wasnt so sun, was momo medium and very very hot tiita. Not the tiita you want to leave like that. And she was not expensive. Word went round and reached this sun persons. She was planted and was warned to keep off. She was telled that the way she puts it on head for every dick and tom,she should keep off coz I dont eat of to die.
  
  Later I met the mini momo, the putter of head to every one, she telled me
  
  "Unajua ni kwanini ule dame hatakangi tuongee? tutaoa siri zake. Eti anakwambiaga anaishi wapi?
  
  I saided Ngumo. She telled me "She has carried you babish like the way she carries other men. She lives in Kibera Raini saba. What she does is, she enter that court and when you leave, she gets escorted by soldiers until Kibera. There is a ka chum that enters Kibera. Be wise"
  
  I refused to believe but saided, is it that I want to go live with her parents or is it her tiita that I want. Whether is from Kibera, or Lavi, or Far east, as long as you are not putted medicine, or talked bad like Tujuane, there is no harm.
  
  Infact, that made me save more coz I was climbing her in cheap lodgings from then.
  
  But to satisfy my curiosity, coz in head, it was telling me there is no way persons that looks like sun can live there. There are thousands of men with money who can remove them there if indeed that is her hood. So, one day, I decided to go during day time and see that ka chum that enters for Ngumo stage to Kibra. True, there is, it leads until Chiefs office and Kibera inside piu.
  
  I am not saying it is bad to live in Kibera, but it is bad to say
  Eastlands people are ghetoish when indeed you live in Kibra. Even South B or South C borders Mukuru. (I dont know which is which, I know one is opposite the other, but according to Tujuane, "C" removes celebrity malaria)  So, it is bad to say South ABCD.
  
  I remain,
  
  This Man,
  Dagitari Onjohi
  Snr. Gyno
  Seer of many