Light Can Never Be my Brand.

PMs are very interesting species of persons. They will never be satisfied with anything you do to them. Like for example, if you make it a habit of going home by 9, they will try anything possible to make you you are home by 8. If you agree to that, they will want you to be watching even news of  7 together. If you encourage her to be calling you when 10 reaches when you are doing dogogio and agree to go home, she will be doing that daily and if you dont go home, she will call all people of your family and say you your work is dogogio and trappers.

I happened to be home early on Thursday last week and what I heard from PM did not make me happy. We were watching news of Omtura's fiasco with tu persons, including small and then, she started to read for me why men go for mpangos and mostly, orangutan mupangos like that of Omtura who was saying she borned him a baby. Small, she read and read me as if I was the one that was responsible for that particular incident.

But with my PM, when such an issue arises, the best thing I do is to keep quiet and listen to her endless lecture because there are some things I can respond and she will lost there there. PMs are different and their handling is different.

Like my friend Theuri, he tells us that if he suspects his PM is going to read for him about anything, he enters house and if he sees even a bucket on his way in, he beats it shoot until it hits ceiling. Then, he gets cups on the table. He lifts them and ask why they were not returned to kitchen. Before an asnwer is given, he beats the table shoot, killing anything that was on top of it. When his PM sees that, even what she had planned to ask him is shelved. He telled us that during that Omtura news time, he saw his PM almost ask something to do with mipangos. And because he did not want things to reach far, he AHEMed and showed a sign of kicking the table. His PM, because she knows where his devils have reached, she removed plates from table to avoid them from dying when he kicks the table.

My style is different. If PM tries to read me, I make sure I will drink until morning the following day to punish her. So, when she started to read for me because of Omtura's mpangos as if they were mine, I wrote myself drinking until morning tomorrow of that day.

Now, I telled you before that there is nothing in Nairobi that I dont know where you can get it from, including, where to remove stomach at a good price. Even if you want a degree from London School of Economics, I can get you one. These days, its easy because you can search from google if you are employed with a degree you dont know about.

If you are a persons and you have been hit by hard times and you have morals of satan, I can as well show you some place in Mombasa you can become rich so easily but filthily. But a wise man once said, the end justifies what? say means. And another guy who was born in America called Malcolm once saided, By any means necessary is what you should achieve what That is why you have not heard me talk about that Mombasa incident because that would be destroying a business I can make money from. Infact a sorce close to trappers in Mombasa said that they were just doing normal prostituting and one Orangutan that was chased decided to destroy the business by making allegation that made them look bad.

So, on Friday,we happened to have beaten a small deal that each of us pocket 65k. 65k like that not planned for does not happen everyday.

After we putted it in our pockets, we wented to Magomano to thank
ourselves with a dry fried shicken of male. As we waited for it to burn, satan whispered to my ear to call a ka persons to come eat a portion of that 65k but head telled me to go deposit 60k on mpesa and remain with 5k plus other money I had for Friday plan to destroy . When I reached mpesa agent, satan whispered "mh. Shauri yako. Safaricom can fall tomorrow and it will fall with your money. Bank fall, its only mpesa? Dont say I did not warn you oh!"

I returned money in my pocket and saided I put in Airtel money instead. Then, i remembered they stole small money from me and refused to even listen to my plea to return. You all remember how I begged them to return it but where. So, I saided, let it remain in pocket, then when I see either coop or equity agent,I will deposit there. After all, I am not goint to come into contact with grinders aka trappers on that day. Head said, it is better for it to lost in bank than mpesa.

I returned in Magomano and we ramnyad the ka shicken. We then telled ourselves we beat two as we waited for darkness to come to know where we were going to sing Mugithi. As we were placing the order, I was torn between choosing to drink Tusker Light or Whitecup Light or Tusker Malt or Heineken, all beer of the rich. There was no way I was going to be having so much money in my pocket and still drink Tusker Lager like a person suffering from wallet malnutrition.

On that day, head was viewing Tusker as equal partner of Allsopps. As I looked around, I was feeling mercy for those drinking Tuskers or Whitecups coz head was telling me, it is money they did not have. I almost shed tears when I saw others drinking Barozi, coz in head, I knew they were just cheating themselves that it is sugar they dont like but in essence, they know in head that it eats one faster than Tusker. I felt tha also for some guys that were drinking Simainoff Vodka. I almost wented there to throw it out and buy them atleast a J & B and tell them Simainoff is only drinked in Bila Shoo, not a place with so much presite like Magomano.

For the first time since I was born, I asked to be served with Tusker Light. Even the waiter first refused to know because most of the time, he knew us as people that first beat KC so that Tusker can drink us well.

Before we finished round one, Mpesa saided that he has a ka persons that is reading how to treat cows in a school called ILRI. He told us that that persons will bring all persons that have not been split and if split, they were split by boys. Others, if they have ever been climbed, it was only once and their boyfriends went to USA and did not return. He called and asked her if she can deliver 4 or more persons to come drink until morning with the rich. She saided like Satan but after classes after 6.

When he mentioned about IRLI, we refused to know why we have been
struggling with trappers of exhibition who gets climbed every sato by different men. We refused to know why we struggle to pull persons from Facebook and we know very well that we once gotted some persons in Koinange at night facebooking. Some even check in "Galileo" while infact, they are behind Galileo trapping Indians. And all Indian like kwa nyeni. They say front, let it be left to the one that pays houserent.

It is this us, until Maxland where we planed to entertain them small before going to drink dogogio of expensive at Westlands where they will check in and tell all of their friends how some very very rich guys boughted them drink of 200 without closing even one eye or scratching skin.

Small time, like the rich, we called our other friends who had been hit by hard time, including Martin Maura. We chose carefully to call only those that had prospect of having money tomorrow of that week so that they can return hand. Others were determined if they could go spread news that we bought beer until all club stopped. If one could spread news, we called them.

Small, we were like 15. But the persons at IRLI kept beating story of giant until 9pm. Marto, as usual kept pestering me why the persons I promised will remove for him is. In head, I saided that since his choice I know, not easy to get, coz he prefers completely malnourished and tall and yellow yellow, he will eat home. Those are not easily found because they all speak good english and to tell them to come to Waiyaki way beyond Westi, it is to say very very bad.

Even at 11PM, the persons was saying she will come and deliver untouched persons. Small, we realised she was not going to come. We blamed Theuri because he had counted eggs before they had hatched. He had sweared that he will throw makobosto on wall if he hears small hindrance because that is an indication of not split. He saided that if she is yellow yellow enough, he will put her stomach and keep her because life these days requires one to keep instead of jumping jumping.

By the time it reached 2am, almost everyone had losted hope and most of the drinker pals had left either to home or to other joints after drinking beer without being asked to do equal equal.

But surprisingly, after having drinked over 20 Lights, it is when I was feeling like I had taken two Tuskers. That is why when one Prof saided we go to home and Theuri shouted "umuthi kani kwina kibimba night. Kambodians maihuire kuu tuthiei tukuma na andu" (Today, at Carnivore, there is kamba night. Lets go there and we will remove with something), I felt like I had been given a new lease of life. I could not imagine, with all those water in my stomach, I was as sobber as a judge.

I wanted to refuse story of Carnivore when I remembered that if my pm heard, even with rumours, or dreams that I was at Carni, she will not even give me notice of losting. She says i passed the age of going to kani long time. In her head, she thinks kani is gonned by small boys of 25 years and below. But I when remembered katimba cha mukamba, tree stretched until knee and saided, only wrong they can do is to stamp my hand. Infact I consider that as a sign of the beast. That stamp is not good oh. It is 999 in disguise.

It is this us until Kani. When we reached there, we saided that we will have to do ujanja and not pay the entrance fee of Kshs. 500 bob because it was almost morning. I am one of the greatest opposer of paying money to enter somewhere to drink dogogio. But since we were at Kani, we had no option because that is Kani, not Egesa.

We stood outside small to assess situation of how we will beat the system. Outside, we were standing with some guys, some with sleepers, others smart. But we refused to know why anyone can remove from Kitui kwa Kyelu and come to Kani and refuse to pay entrance or lack money to pay entrance. How can someone remove from all that far only to come and stand outside? Who does that?

As we were standing, Theuri spotted a thief pickpocketing a phone from some guy that was on the queue. He jumped and hit the thief until he fell on the ground. He then took the guy to police and soldiers guarding there and telled them to lock him in until he comes back.

The police, either thinking Theuri is their Senior or to thank him for the good job done, he held his hand and took him until inside, without him paying anything.

Small, one of the ushers spotted me as I was looking for ujanja to jump the line and not pay. She saw like I looked like a person who can do a deal. She came to me and asked me if I have 200 I enter. I saided like satan, gave him my 200 and I was inserted until inside. I telled the usher to also insert mpesa and The Prof, they are also of deal and cannot talk. Mpesa and professor were ushered in shortly after after paying the usher 200 without receipt.

When I telled them we go inside small to look for a place to sit, Theuri telled me we are VIPs. He saided that we look who has biggerst stomach and smart engough so that we pretend we were guarding him and say he is MP for Gatundu North. We settled on the Prof. Guarding him like real REECE squad, we walked until VIP area. The bouncer guarding did not stop us. At vip, we found an empty table next to Ken wa Maria who had like 5 persons he was giving stories of giants adn entertaining. Mpesa telled me to go tell him to accept to be beaten a photo with us so that we can post it on facebook tomorrow of that day to make all of you know that we know Ken wa Maria. I wented and whispered to him, but he seemed too engrossed with the persons to listen to me, leave alone to accept our request.

I returned to the table and called the waiter to serve the VIP. VIP seats comes with a price to pay. Beers at VIP were selling at 300 while where normal people seat, it was selling at 250. We refused to know what to do. Mpesa saided we wait small and see. Small, he came back holding 4 beers with hands. He excitedly telled us that he bought at a certain counter at 270. What a saving!

We refused to know if waiter will agree to open for us our beer because we boughted at a cheaper place. I beckoned him, although shaking small to come open. I was thinking he will tell me to get it opened where I bought, bui he did not. He open but refused to know what kind of VIP we were. VIP of cold, he thoughted.

For every round, we were doing like that. Persons that were seated behind us refused to know what kind of VIPs we were and removed from VIP because they could not tolerate drinking next to vips of cold. Instead of catching rich, they were catching stories of refusing to know.

As 5AM neared to reach, I went to the latrine and met a not so slender, yellow yellow, not tall and not short, a kind that Mato will salivate until tomorrow. She looked like size 8, even toes of hands. I filled myself like a boy child and saided I will talk to her, if she talks bad, I go away and if she talks good, its my lucky day. After all, I had money, I said. I neared her and introduced myself. She also introduced herself and when I heard a deep Kamba accent, my confidence doubled. My confidence doubles with the amount of shrub a persons produces. If she talks like a nigga, I will look from far until I am drunked enough to know how to speak ki nigga fluently. For that persons, head telled me that she had come all the way from Kitui and sharing a table to the crew would be a chance she can tweet or write on facebook that she has drinked with the leaders.

I pulled her until where the rest were seated and introduced to her. They all looked at me and said I am very bad if I can pull something so hot like that. Mpesa tried to tell me inm ear that she will put medicine on us but I told him off. I said with heart that even if it was medicine being putted, it is better to be putted by a sun like persons, I will not regret. Theuri also agreed with Mpesa that it was of medicine and if I had arranged with her to come and steal what we had made that day, I had milked a he-goat. He telled me to think otherwise because he had put his money on mpesa.

I asked what she wanted to drink and as usual, like its norm to all persons this days, they saided that beer I dont want to mention because it replaced my favourite black ice that was making it so easy for persons to put it on head. With this brand I wont mention, persons drink until you finish all money, that is the time she starts to feel like getting drunk.

This time, I did not go to the counter of 270. I gave waiter 300 bob exact to come with that beer of wasting money.

Since kitimba songs had finished by that time, we telled each other since we have sinned enough, we go to a mugithi place and enjoy small. We agreed Visa of Umo. We asked the persons to accompanied us and she did not refuse. Head started to tell me that indeed, she was of medicine.

It is this us, until visa. When we reached, sun had almost started to remove from Mombasa side. Head telled me that it is better to even stay until day complete because there is no difference of 6am or 8am. There is no small sin and big sin when it reaches 6am.

We refused to know if it was to enter or go home. And we had a persons who had it on head but had a very small chance that she was of satan. Infact she did not have thuruari at all because I had touched touched and felt shaved tiita. It is better to say true. And she was not refusing me to touch. But all the time, I was remembering that I had alot of money with me, money that police can get you with and say you are not good. I saw a vision of me waking up tomorrow of that day in that guest room having been stolen everything.

I did not like that vision, so, I telled MPesa to take the ka persons, I was no longer interested. He telled me to arrange myself, he also was not interested because he saw many tutimbas at Carni but did not talk to any. He saided that he can smell medicine from 18!

I drew how to throw her. I telled the ka persons to go to that Guest at Visa and check if there was available rooms and how much they were charging.

In her head, because she had seen with heart that I had money with me, she knew she had finally hit a jackpot.

She removed from the car with speed and wented to the guest to inquire. After she inserted her head inside that guest room's gate, we zoomed like lack of importance from Visa.

I then went home and as usual when I go home when sun is in the sky, I tip toe until sitting room. I then putted myself in the seat to create an impression that I came home last night drunk and slept on the couch. Before laying myself, I removed money I had hid in the socks and in boxer, remained only 2k in my wallet and hid it in a crack inside one of the seats so that PM does not see that money. If she sees, she will give it work there there and it will not even be enough because works exceeds money all the time.

But PM had woken up earlier and heard that I had not come yet. Small, she came and started to read for me for coming so early in the morning.

She read and read and her reading now started to become soothing lullaby for me to sleep like a baby. Small, I felt myself. It was 12PM. I removed from seat and the first thing I did was to think of the money I had last night. I looked for it everywhere. In my wallet, in the socks but where. Only 2k in my wallet.

The first thing that came to my mind was that I had been stolen. I felt sad that the money was stolen by that size 8 look alike persons. I wanted to cry loudly but then said, I will make another deal, of men get lost many places.

It is after I came from washing myself that I started to recount my steps since I entered that house. Small, memory returned and remembered I had hid money somewhere in the house. Memory returned and when I found the money where I had hid, I felt like I had been born again. But the amount that was remaining almost made me refuse to know. I didnt know that Tusker Malt that very very expensive!. That is why, even if I beat a jackpot of what, I will stick to my Tusker. I saw again, Tusker Light, let those that want to drink drink it, but if it eats your money, dont say I did not tell you.

I saided that since in head, I had losted all of it, let me put it in MPESA and it remain there. If they fall, they will fall with many, not just mine.

I remain,

Dagitari Onjohi.