The Other Side Of Embu

A few weeks ago, we had gone to buy a Friend a PM in Embu. I dont know why, but of late, it has become a norm every weekend to hear a guy i know, or a person that is known to a mutual going to buy a PM in Embu or Meru.

I dont know why is this , but I have interacted with a few Embians persons and I know they qualify for that position more than any other languages I know. They will not shout at their husbands, just like their Merians sisters. I heard with rumors that if a meru persons loves you, she will become like a tick. She cant remove from you and will never err you, even once, unlike the persons from where most of us comes from. They all have become like persons of Nairobi where once you go out without her, she also goes out with her friends and meet in the morning when cock starts crowing. The remaining good ones have been teached by persons of Kabete how to be licked eyes by cats. In short, all persons are same same as of those of Kabete.So, for persons of nowadays, I advise them to enter internet and look for Europeans who have no idea that they are licked in the eyes.

Anyway, we wented to Embu with my group and paid the money that was demanded. Before leaving Nairobi, some were of the idea that we should carry persons from here because we had no intention of removing from Embu at night. In their head, they were thinking Embu is like Ngarua where they comes out with gamboots when its raining or slippers when its dry. They also wear kamisis and bikers and hood, so, even if one looks like sun, you cant touch. I was among those that vehemently opposed carrying of persons. I have been to Embu before and persons that comes out looks like sun and have it on head.

Among those that come with it on head are pupils of Embu Medical Training and I happened to know a persons there. When I telled them that the supply will outweigh the demand, some agreed with me.

Among the things I am well known for among my friends is my many contacts of persons. I know so many persons and most of them knows that whenever I call them, I call them either to meet my rich friends or to come and taste the zig zag. Although they prefer the rich friends, they also enjoy the zig of the leader.

To cut the loong story short, I contacted the pupil persons and telled her that I was in need of good supply of persons, those that had it on head, had no month and were ready to bask near fire. She telled me that she can get as many and that all had it on head. I asked if hers was on head and she telled me there was no way Leader could bring his zig in Embu and it fail to sleep inside a persons. Tree stretched until knee level.

I asked how many of the guys wanted supply. Almost all of them saided let persons come. But when I measured their devils, only 3 looked serious. Some wanted to look for themselves, others as I know them, wait until a persons is drunked by other people to make a good ground for them to strike when their buying ability decreases. So, I telled that pupil to only come with 3 persons.

It is this us, until a place called Kenol. Kenol for those who dont know is the bar that says in Embu. It is a unique bar because if you buy one crate, they beat you a photo and hang it inside there. At first, I was thinking that it was for those who losted with bill, but was telled that it is put there to remind you where your money finishes next time you pop in.

After we settled, I called the persons. In our sitting arrangements, we had satted according to how we have slept horns. Those who were waiting for my persons sat near me. Those that were timing trappers of there sat together.

Small, phone cried. The persons telled me they had finally arrived with a taxi because of rain and they wanted me to go pay. I asked how much is taxi and she saided two hundred. I telled her to do harambee among themselves and come inside, I will refund as it has borned. I then directed her to where we were seated.

Small, a group of persons emerged. She came with 6 persons and only two looked like sun well well. After greeting us, I telled the waiter to prepare us a table next. I then telled Theuri we move to that table. In ear, he whispered to me "Munene, ka wi na ngomaaa? kai weta kirathi kigima? Nie reke ndiethere njangiri guku icio ciaku wifange nacio" (Leader, you have Satan? you have called a whole class? Let me arrange myself with jangiris inside here, arrange yourself with those.

Akuku and Mpesa agreed and we shifted to that table. Small, Theuri came and saided to me in ear

"Guitigira ni kuhara. Ici imundu ni jui uria ciendaga. Reke tucietirie makari. cikinina half ithatu cia GIN kana Smirnoff Vodka igukorwo ikiuga ngemi ni kurio. Ona shukuru inyuaga Bluemoon. (To fear is to go broke. This persons I know how to handle them. We will make them drink Hard liquor. If they take Gin or Vodka, by rd, they will be screaming here because of being drunk. Even in college, they drink Bluemoon"

I looked at him and considered that an invention of the decade. In loud voice, I asked them "Mtakunywa Gin ama Vodka?

They looked at each other and refused to know. The one near me saided "Mimi nitakunywa Simainof led"

Head telled me she meant Smirnoff red, a sister of Black ice. I telled her Smirnoff Vodka is the best because even us, we will drink that because it even brings warmth on a cold day like that.

The others looked at each other. Theuri telled me in ear "Ndugacihe options. Cinyuaga kinya Bluemoon ona tucihaicitie iguru muno kugura Vodo. na Ciauga cinyue macohi mau metagwo anga Redds nituona uru tondu
itingirio" (Dont give them options. They drink Bluemoon, we have even kept them up by ordering Vodka. And if they drink Redds, we are finished, it does not eat anyone"

Head immediately telled me that the governement of coalition finished long ago, no more consultations. I called the waiter and ordered Half Vodo and 3 sodas.

The vodo half came with the soda, plus 6 whiskey glasses. I poured in all glasses, then putted soda in all then welcomed them to partake the drink. But all half had finished completely. So, I started to question the wisdom of Theuri small.

The persons looked at each other and no one was talking. Theuri telled them to drink and not to worry, they will drink until they write on facebook how they were drank last night.

From the group, only two dranked small. One of them looked red in eyes like a drinker of bangi, had a nostril and 10 earings on each ear. The other one was short and momo and round, like football. She looked like you could kick her and she would roll until the other goal post. In head, I was liking the one with many earings. Head was telling me that incase mine says month, that looked the better option because her bangi canot tell the leader that she does not get climbed on first date.

The supplier of persons saided she will not drink beer. I asked why and she siaded that she has not gotten used to.

I got sad and very sad, knowing that that is being told, Dude, month came unexpectedly and I dont want to drink your beer for nothing. Please, arrange yourself.

I begged her to take even a sip. She then telled me "Aki sijazoea hizi. nataka kukunywa Kingfisher moja tu!" Tree stretched again until knee.

I knelt down for happiness. With Kingfisher, head is guaranteed and you spend much less and in beer terms, one means until I fall down or until you stop buying.

Then, she telled me, "aki hawa madame wengine watatu hawajazoea pombe. Si wakunywe ile wanataka mild kiasi?"

With my tree standing for imagining my tree sleeping inside her, I did not refuse. I telled Theuri that it has beaten. He saided that each take care of two two from the group.

After two beer, mahungries of Embu started to stream in, and the first place they were landing was on our table. The persons looked like they were known by every patron. Akuku came to me and in ear, saided "Mundu uyu kai urehire njangiri cituikirire dawa utuhenagie ni tuiretu twa college? ngoma" (You brought us trappers to put us medicine and lying to us they are pupils of college. Satan)

Then, a guy who had accompanied us but was not interested in persons called me out. He telled me in ear

"Munene, kamundu kau winako ti kega ona hanini. Ni kamaraya. Ta riu kanda ingi hau ndaigua ikiuga igekite maita ta 40. Kafa urie njaro baba. ndaigua makiuga ikuhe giaku mbeca nyingi kiaria rio" (Leader, that persons you are with are not good. Like yours, i heard a guy say he has climbed her 20 times, even now, he might snatch her. He just need to bid higher when she drinks small small from you"

By that time, I had been dranked like satan. I telled him off and telled him that I was not looking for a virgin.

But when I returned, my opinion about them had dropped small and I started toi salivate on the "bangi drinker".

As drinking entered well, I telled my persons, the supplier that today, I will climb her and one of her friends who had red eyes. She looked at me with bad eyes but did not talk. Head telled me she is used to be climbed with her friends. So, I said I will have my first ever 3's.

As we were drinking, they would leave small, some to dance, others I dont know.

Small, Theuri came to me. I was almost refusing to know myself and napping small as per my tradition. He came and called me aside. He then telled me

"Hena imundu haha ndona, njega. Niukwenda twifange nacio? Iria ciaku irenda o kunywa mani" (I have seen persons, good. Can we arrange ourselves with them? Yours only want to drink. How do you see?)

I asked him " How much are they charging

He telled me that those persons I brought, although they are pupils, they destroy men of Embu with tiitas every weekend. He telled me that he had taken 3 to the car and putted fingers. He saided that that mine, it is makobosto that lacked. He even wented and bought makobosto but she refused to come out of bar again.

He telled me that for those two, they were no trappers even small, just some pupils of Meru university, they just want somewhere to sleep until morning. Tree hit me in head. I saided I be shown where they were. One was malnourished, another one was not momo and not malnourished, inbetween. I asked him which one is mine. He telled me the momo small. In head, he knew if he gave me the malnourished, I would have declined his offer.

I looked around and saw no one was seeing me leave. I closed eyes not to be seen leaving and walked out, followed by Theuri and his persons. We inserted in car until a popular place with climbers called Highway Motel.

When we reached, I asked the receptionist if anyone can leave room alone, leaving his partner. Here, I was measuring if I can be putted medicine and be left in room. She siaded no, but it is advisable to leave all valuables at the reception

I removed my phones and handed to them. I then removed wallet and realised that it had been punched a huge hole. I counted money and gave to them. Theuri too did the same.

Up, until room. ii, clothes off, iii, legs putted 180 degrees, ii, insert tree, ii, eat somebody, then sleep, only to feel myself in the morning when she woked me up. She had already bathed and putted clothes and looked ready to leave. I tried to jump but she telled me, she cant remove again, she was late.

Dejected, I washed my body and removed downstairs where I met Theuri and many others who had lodged there drinking Shiken soup. All of them had persons except Theuri. Theuri, because the malnoushed did not look so appealing, had removed from room and losted to downstairs where he could not be seen well.

Then, small, the persons I was to ramnya also emerged from room with another guy who was not from Nairobi. i tried to hide my face and when she saw me with vagina of her eyes, she dashed and losted not to be seen well.

To measure my devil, she smsed me a while later and asked me why I left her. I telled her its her who losted and my phone died of fire. She telled me that she stayed there until morning when she went back to school.

After she drinked soup, I gave her fare to go to Meru. But in head, I refused to believe that that was a pupil of Meru Uni. I cant be wrong. They must have been trappers disguised as pupils.

I am,

Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr. Gyno.