My Limitation to Getting A Sponsor

I have been away from this village for a  couple of days for a reason. I have been busy searching for a solution to lasting more than 9 secs and at least afford 3 jotis. This is after I am loosing a potential sponsor who was about to make me cross from River road (where I drink the new Tusker Gold which you only need money for 5 dogogios and you refuse to know yourself) to Nairobi of up where I would be drinking colonialistic dogogios like Heinekenn and at worst Tusker Light just because of giving her proper beating of mtree. I have searched for all sorts of solutions, including googlging if Mushaina of  Alibaba has a generator which one can be putting on  hips to make my josto move like sewing machine and lately, responded to those Mganga of Tanga posters that purports to offer solutions to all problems on earth including making your cow not throw a kick when milking it untied. I will beat you a story of my visit to Mganga of Tanga in my next story of giant.

For reasons I cant explain, I have of late been falling for persons who have eaten salt properly and coincidentally, who have things to make me become a sponsored. Earlier in the month, I almost falled for another sponsor but satan who came in form of the new Tusker Gold Olympic destroyed that plan. That beer and mashefefus are brothers.

I met this one potential sponsor when I had gone to install CCTV Cameras for her.  After I got paid (always avoid side businesses until you get paid fully or it will drink water), we started whatsapanaring. She telled me how she had falled for me until she almost sent me her Micheline tires nudes.  As you know, satan has never build even for one day.  One evening when I had been eaten by Tusker Gold piu piu, satan advised me to call her. According to my call records, we talked for exactly 25 minutes. Not sure what we talked about for hell half an hour. But from following day, I found her photo missing on whatsapp. My messages were not getting two ticks. Calling her, so uncharacteristic of her,  she would cut the phone on second cry. Head filled for itself that it must be about the stuff I telled her when I was dogogiod bad.

In the course of doing  CCTV, I meet people who have things. Thats how I met this other potential sponsor. To be fair, she has eaten her fair share of salt. The kind I couldn't imagine ukiaring for them even small before Theuri talked to me in private and telled me that even bad water can extinguish fire. He lectured me that these persons who have drinked salt are mtight mtight that the moment I will taste one, I will not stop and will be throwing saliva out any time I see a MKUs persons. The only salted persons I should never touch, according to Theuris advise is the one without money. If she is oiled, oil her too, and properly.

My first encounter with her was at Maxland Waiyaki way where she had called me to go collect my balance after mafundis finished work.

After meat of burnt, she telled me I  go to her car which was parked near the entrance and remove my balance from her bag placed in the front seat. I refused to know how she carried a man like me, with stomach and bald head to go to her car like a boy. But as old adage saides, customer is always right.

On opening the bag, I was met by  several bundles of browns. Several hundreds of thousands. When in such a situation, satan comes from hell very fast and throws ideas at you. Satan telled me to help myself with all of it. I telled satan that that was a bad idea he goes to hell. Satan then telled me that if that was hard, to remove a k from each bundle, she will think it is bank tellers that stole from her. I refused to agree with satan, counted my balance and returned to the bar.

On returning to the table, she asked me if I only took balance. I saided yes. She saided she should add me of petrol. I refused to know which petrol and I had climbed those Kangemi matatus until there. Head telled me that if she waits to see my car, I will just call Uber and say thats my driver. Thinking she was to send me again to add myself of petrol,  she went to the car herself. Head telled me that she had gone to check how if I had stolen.

She returned and added me 5 K. She then asked me to drink two. When there is such a windfall, satan cannot allow me to have peace even when dogogio is flowing for free, he makes my mind beat of yellow yellows I have been hiding white  from when I didnt have even what. I refused her offer of free dogogio and instead, headed to Umoja  3 where I have discovered there lives several suns who dont mind to come where you are by nduthi (And they dont tell you to send money of nduthi, they will use their means. They have atleast 4 nduthi guys who drop them at rendezvous on credit until they will fall for a deal, mostly when they have puttted rice on someone). But good thing, they cant 'rice' you if you get them at their hoods. Most of them are what Theuri prefers, extremely malnourished. Refusing to know why his choice is always malnourished, he explains that there is no goat that has a thin liver. Mburi ndihinjaga ini.

Following day, Theuri, mpesa, Akuku and myself were drinking at a pub before Jambo when she called.Previously, we had whatsapanad severally, and in 18, I could see she wanted to feel zig zag in the stomach. I directed her how to come to crime infested Thika road.

If you have seen advert of Mbugua of Fiber's PM, thats must be who they got inspiration from.

Not like any typical Ukuyu PMs. Although she was well like 2 years past half a century, she looked good mfupa tapable even if one was not to benefit wallet wise. She didnt appear to have a pot, she was well endowed on her future and legs are of elephant. The only minus thing about her was her association with congoleese persons or those River road mamas near KCB Bank that sell skin whitening creams. When she was born, she was black. Later in life, she discovered a congoleese friend or those River Rd mamas and destroyed her skin color.

I had not telled the crew about my last night's encounter when I met them at umoja 3 hunting suns the previous day where I was not buying like a person who had been given free  5K  .

I returned and beat them story of how I was given 5K of fuel by Mrs Mbugua of Faiba. I was fined to pay meat of burnt alone for keeping quiet about that. I then telled them that she was on her way to buy me one.

Because I didnt know how they would react by seeing with a 50 year old Mrs Mbugua, I telled them that she was there to give me more biashara. Theuri looked at me and said "We tiga u Kabia mwaniki, ndugete cucu itaragura njohi. Na akorwo ena mbeca na ndurenda kumuhaica, mwaga mtama kwa kuku wengi tuonane nake unyo kwa unyo" (You leave u Rat Mwaniki, dont call a cucu that does not buy dogogio. And if she has things and you dont want, throw her to us)

I saided she was there to see me and if she buys or not, it should not bother them. He continued, "Wanjohi ahana neibor ungi waguito gishagi, kuhingiriria rui rwagerete kwao, ati ariithie thamaki, ithui twi naguku muhuro gutiri mai makinyaga, mboga citu ikoma. Kumbe ona ariithagia thambara eciretie ni thamaki" (Dont be like a neibor in shags who closed river so that he could real fish. We that were downstream did not get water of river, so our mbogas dried. Later, we discovered what he had was not fish but frogs. Frogs and fish look same same when they are babies)

Small, she was there. She was in a free flow dress that almost touched ground that removed her curved figure very well but denied the crew the view of her elephant legs. Every finger of her had gold rings,  and  a gold necklace.

Before she even finished sitting down, the waiter was there. She saided we be given two two. I was drinking Tusker Gold 5.0, the one eating people to eat. On hearing that, I telled waiter to change and give me Tusker light. since I was born, I have never bought myself tusker light. I only drink it when I go to a "on the house" stuff or a very very rich person is buying.

She asked if we have eaten. We had eaten an hour before. I was about to shout we have when Theuri telled me in ear, "Kanua kau gaku niko gatumaga coguo amunyuo magego ni gukaguo" (that your big mouth is the one that made your grandma be removed teeth by your grandpa.

Theuri saided we havent. She asked if she can put  boilo or choma. Theuri saided that we put something white because these red stuff are becoming dangerous. The only red you should eat is the one you have personally slaughtered. 2 Chickens of kineyeji were putted on fire.

On her third round, she looked at the bill and counted with head. She then gave me 20k and told me it is of to pay bill. She said I be asking for dogogio with that money. One every round that was coming, she was however checking every addition on the bill like someone used to be stolen by waiters.

When she was leaving for latrine, she telled me in ear "urore bag iyo wega, ina ngiri magana matatu" (Look after that bag, it has 300k). As she left for latrine, I started to ask myself if there was anyting wrong with me to have Mrs Mbugua want my tree. I didnt have braided hair or rasta, instead i was bald headed, I didnt speak English of Nairobi of up, I wasnt thin. The only thing i knew I had to attract such was a zig zag. and She hadnt seen it even from far. It perplexed me. Maybe its my striking resemblance to Mbugua who had of late become very busy building Faiba flats in Mombasa (and eating food) until he had not time for her anymore that made her fall for me.

Akuku, who was once a shylock and used to take ornaments as collateral told me that each ring on her finger was worth 200k plus, meaning she was worth a milli plus on ornaments alone.I told him she even has 300k in her bad. He neared me.

That is when satan removed from hell and started to shower Akuku with ideas. He gave Akuku an idea that he get a thief who will come and rob us. One of those rice persons of Umoja 3 that he knows personally her work is to put rice. She is yellow yellow and formally of MKU. She left school to start ricing. Apparently, nowadays, the persons you see in bars, they dont trap. They put medicine to those people who pick them. I told him to go to satan.

Before satan could give 'Akuku better' ideas, she returned. She told us that she was looking for an acre of land that is touching eatern bypass road to set up an office complex or petrol and she was paying cash. On hearing that, and knowing an acre of land costs 80m plus, I saw that commission alone was to be in  millions. That is when I decided i will look for the land alone. I telled her we remove from there.

Before long, we found ourselves in a room. Theuri had warned me that half a  century old persons had mtight mtight tiitas but very demanding in muclimbano. He had advised me to  make sure I do all I can and climb until she saided she does not want no more. I had read a motivational book that saided that what your mind wants you can achieve if you believe. The key word was to believe. Every other thing was secondary. If i believed I could last even for one hour, even if I found mtight mtight, i would not pour prematurely. I asked mind how anyway it could not support mtree to remain streadfast after having an opportunity to become rich. No way.

To cut the long story short, the moment I inserted tree, I  felt like I had never felt before. I felt like I was in an oven. Then, inside tiita, there was like someone hidden inside to squeeze mtree, handjob style. Imagine mtree is inside a hot place, then there is someone inside holding mtree squeezing it. I felt bells release everything until they god deflated like a baloon. Actually, on holding bells, only bells holders were there. Balls had deflated piu. And in a record 5 secs.

I removed mtree and lay facing up. She asked if I had poured. I saided yes. She asked how fast. I saided quite. She saided we lay small it will rise again. I looked at her with vagina of my eyes and felt mercy for for. That tree has never risen after first joti. I then remembered the motivation I read. Mind. Then remembered how on earth I could let mtree fail me and there lies 300K that probably was carried to be given to me.

As I continued to imagin the 300k, I catched sleep small. On waking up, I was alone in the room. She had left a k on the table (She ensured we dranked all the 20K) same way we leave a K on the table when you climb MKU.

She still does not believe that I am a one joti, few secs man. In her whatsapp message, she was like I fell asleep and she had to go home.

She wants me to climb when I have not touched dogogio, but in my head, I know I will still disappoint. Thats why I am searching for solution, among them, Mganga kutoka Tanga. That will be my next story.

If you have better remedies, feel free to advise me.

I am,

Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyna, CCTV