The Power Of Brookies

Yesterday I saided that my tree and heart refuses to know when I see bare brookies or excess cleavage. Although I was dogogio bad when I wrote that, I remembered another story that happened many years ago. The story involved sharp brookies and a Cambodian persons.

I happened to be beating dogogio with some sun like cambodian persons last night until early this morning. I reminded the persons a fact that no tiita in this whole world can equal of Cambodian's. Thats a fact and even Theuri and Akuku agreed with me and that they have never seen an orangutan Cambodian persons. Most of them have natural beauty. Another fact is that all or most Cambondians persons know how to hold josto once inside their tiitas. They know how to strangle it once inside. Real strangling like the way a bouncer can strangle you in a bar for falling on people's drinks. Although Theuri saided that these days, these young generation of ukuyus also know how to strangle josto once inside (huraaah), it reminded me a story of many years that involved brookies and a cambodian.

One time when I was living in the then Mungiki and thiefs infested Kaiobangi North. The two used to compete who would slaughter more people than the other per day. It was a single roomed house and my room was direct opposite sinks of washing utensils.

There was this Cambondian ka persons housegirl that never used to wear bra and her brookies were so sharp that even without a bra, they were not falling down. She, like many original Kambodians looked like sun and with big thutha, but she was very very short. Standing, she reached me at waist. I was not sure of her age, but she had passed 18 years only small. I used to ukia but because she was a housegirl, head was telling me not to even think of thinking climbing.

One Sunday afternoon, she was washing utensils there at the sink and I was cooking meat. I removed out to sink to draw small water as well as to see brookies life life. When I reached near her, she telled me;

"Aki Wanjoi si uniitie nyaama?"

I smilled small and looked at brookie and first refused to know what to say. Shyly, I saided, "twede tukure"

In head, I was thinking it was only a joke because there was no way I could let her enter my house because one, it was a shame and two, her boss used to look like she could murder even Mungish single handedly. You know those that look bad, even when they are not bad.

I telled her again we go. I saw her look that side and that side to make sure no one was seeing. When I entered house, she followed me.

I removed meat from stove and putted in two plates and we started eating. When I looked at her brookies again, tree stretched until knee level.

To cut story short, small we found ourselves without clothes. In head, I was thinking that she has never been split because she also looked innocent. When I came on top and positioned tree in tiita, I felt her short legs surround my back and held me tight.

When I inserted, to be honest, it was another sand papered tiita. Tree inside, it got strangled by muscles of tiita, then mbus. With each pump, she would swing herself like when one is dancing Lingala and strangle tree more, sometimes releasing her grip on my back and hitting my spinal code with her legs. As usual when you are climbing such a tiita, I did not last even 2 minutes.

But even after pouring, she was not stopping to swing and strangle the now deflated tree. I tried to flee myself from her grip at my back but where. She did that until she poured.

After, she returned clothes, the next hard task was how to remove from my house. When she was about to come out, somebody was passing. After small time I telled her to enter a sack I remove her from my house in that sack and deposit her near sink.

I then removed to a chemist nearby and boughted Postino 2 and made sure she drank it as I was seeing with my eyes. But she assured me that even if she does not drink it, her days were safe.

After that, every other house girl in the plot of 5 floors knewed I had climbed her. But on a positive note, they all wanted to also come and onja meat that I used to cook daily. I got so shamed in that plot because even housewifes were telled that I am the one that climbs their housegirls and ivin them money and when they were seeing me cimb stairs, they used to spit saliva. I even was forced to move out, though it was a lie, I only climbed that one and once only.

But even today, when I remember the game I got from her, I ukia. And its not okiaring small, real hard on. But Theuri telled us yesterday that real Cambodians get trained by aunties and Grannies how to swing and strangle. How true that is, only Stephen Musyoka can attest.

I am,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno.
River Road Inc.

Why I Did Not Become A FreeMasons.

I have seen people call Uhunye a Freemason just because his PM will be holding for him the swearing Bible. I am not a fanatic, so I reserve my comments. And again, I dont know much about Freemasons but were it not for three people, I would be one of the "freemasons" in Kenya.

My dream of becoming a freemasons was stopped by 3 people. The solder that guards that place, a mkamba conman and Satan.

Long time ago, a matatu biz I was doing had hit rock botton, infact it was being looked for by auctioneers because it had a loan that it was not paying and it had passed the age of being able to pay a loan by itself without external assistance, making me go hide it in some place called Borabu some very remote place than Rumuruti. The taxi business I was doing very bad also, it was barely even able to even make it drink petrol of 200. In my exhibition stall, customers were passing my shop as if there was no shop at all and buying from neighbor. In short, I had landed on foot well well.

I looked for answers of why I had landed on foot like that and refused to know. One day, I said a small prayer in my bedroom. I telled God that he had a week to return my biz into profitability, failure to which I will defect.

God is never threatened, so, nothing changed at all.

One day, I remembered that there is a place I had been seeing when I was going to visit my friends at University of Nairobi, that i had heard with rumors that they pray Satan.

I first went to google and researched what free masons were. In google, it saided that they don't worship Satan, and that its a highly secretive society of rich men. Infact you must believe in some being in order to be a member.

I searched further how to enter and saw that you must be introduced by a two members. I searched further and saw that to know a member, it was impossible because they don't go saying they are members.

In my research, I found that you don't sacrifice people as it was rumored, so I got some reprieve, though I had no major problem with that because if i was asked to sacrifice, I would have gladly given our Theuri or persons that I was ramnyaring before business went down. I also had many taxi clients who I could have given out with pleasure, especially those that I was taking home and were deciding to pay me with 'pleasure".

One day, one of the auctioneer guy called and telled me that they have finally gotten clue of where I had hidden the matatu and if I did not want embarrassment, I avail 10k so that he can turn a blind eye on where it was. I thinked what to do but refused to get answers. I knew if they got hold of it, me and that matatu will be inlaws and all money I had paid isl lost on earth.

I filled myself and saided that I will go to freemasons hall and seek info directly of how to urgently became a member. When I reached gate, I met a soldier; old, haggard and hungry. I telled him I wanted to go inside. He said that saying I want to go in, is like saying I want to enter statehouse to shoot the president. I made known my mission. He first looked at me with eyes of satan.

He called me aside and telled me so sit with him inside those to houses of soldiers. He then said "kijana, to be a member here is not easy because you must be introduced by an existing member. And dont be cheated that if you come here, you must sacrifice anybody. But If you want info, bring me one thousand and you will be home and dry".

Asking me for a thousand was like asking a fly to donate blood. I telled him to allow me enter first. He telled me that he can, if I insist, but I dont blame him what will happen to me. He telled me that he once allowed some two stubbon guys and what they saw, they even jumped over the fence as they losted away.

I went back to town and came back with a thao. When I gave him, he telled me

"Kijana, you are very lucky because you are courageous. You are like another one that came here a few weeks ago. I sent him to a member that has chemists all over (si u told me you are a doctor?). He was coming on foot and a few weeks later, he now he comes with sports cars, changin ever now and then. And all are cars of shops. You know how to check cars of shop? like here, all cars that come here are of shops. "

I said no. He said I will know when I start buying cars of shops and that will happen when I enter.

Blood boiled and I almost called the auctioneer to go get the matatu if he knew for real. But in head, I was asking why he himself has not joined. Satan would whisper "how many lecturers did you have that looked worse? and they teached you until you passed. Some people are made like that"

He telled me that he is going to send me to a guy that has many businesses in Nyamakima, and has fleets of buses that go to Ukambani and his name is Mwanzia.

I saided he do it faster. He said that since he was senior guy and very rich, he was the only one who could call me. I agreed because, you dont call Rich, they call you. And when you call reach, you call shaking more put a sound of fear and respect. So, he asked me to leave him my number and when he came to the freemasons hall at night, he will pass my desire to join and my number.

In my head, it telled me that I had been conned a k, so I walked back to town dejected.

When I reached my stall, customers started to see it. The persons that I had written there started to show smilling face. She had not been paid for month, used to take only fare and in her head, she knew that since money was now comming, all her arrears wil be cleared that day. That day, I sold and sold until I paid her one month salary. In head, I said maybe God had seen my threat was serious and had decided to maintain me on his side because I am good naturally.

At night, when I was trapping with my taxi, I got so many customers until I prayed for forgiveness for thinking of defecting to some places I didnt know..

I telled God that if the momentum will be maintained like that, I will stop sinning, and would not even close one eye to persons.

Following day, at exactly 5, my phone cried. The guy one the other end, in a very very heavy kamba accent saided "ao a yu"

I said "Msuli sana"

He saided "uko wapi kiyana? mimi naintwa Mwansia. Nilimpeo nama yao nikaamiwa unantaa ku yoin yama"

I asked "chama gani"

He replied "Si wewe unaio Wayoi" I said Naitwa Wanjohi, sio Wayoi. It is then I remembered that the guy that was to call me was named Mwanzia and quickly and in loud voice, I said, aa, nimekumbuka. ndio nataka ku join chama".

He then said "saa hii uo wawi? I saided "Tom Mboya."

He said 'Kuya hapa sanglet otel saa hii. sawa? "

I asked which Sagret because i know two. One in river road and another one opposite former CID headquarters Nairobi of up. He said of River road. I refused to know.

In head, i knew I was dealing with a con because, at Sagret of river road, you cant talk weighty matters like joining free masons. You only discuss small matters, like making fake degree certificates and title deed.

I said, although I formally withdrew my candidature and was no longer interested in joining the free masons, I said, let me go and see how they look like.

When I reached, I saw a guy as thin as Kagame, with beard not shaven beckon me. He introduced himself as Mwanzia.

There there, he telled me to sit down and to buy him a Tusker as we talked. I agreed but refused to know how a rich man would ask a poor looking aspirant of riches to buy him beer.

He then started to talk of how rich he is, how he imports stuff from Shina and his many matatu business. That confirmed that he was fake. Those are stories we only talk when we are dogogio like Satan. Thats the only time we get confidence of singing goats that you have never even seen.

Small, he telled me that to introduce me, I have to pay a membership fee of 200k, but he will pay 75% of that. So, I need to raise 50k. He said it was supposed to show him I am committed. He telled me that and I must be sure if I want to join coz once I join, I cant remove.

Knowing too well that that he was a con, I telled him to give me a week or so. From there, I was seeing his calls and I would throw saliva out.

That is how close I came to be a freemasons. The other closest thing

Later, I told akina Theuri and Akuku how I almost became a Freemasons though I did not tell him that he would have been my number one target if sacrifices were asked. He would refuse to know what a animist I can get when I have landed on foot.

I remain,

Dagitari Onjohi.
Snr. Gyno.
SOMT (Seer of Many Things. )

Looks That Lie

I climbed a matatu No. 11 from Parkland and I satted next to a persons that looked like sun. Infact sun is an understatement.. she looked like a Half Mhindi and half coast. Like the way Pasaris used to look when he was young,  not momo and not malnourished,  a figure you and me can die for.

IN head, I was telling myself.. that, si now, there is  a dudes that ramnyas this thing and maybe he does not even say thank you? He removes like a bicycle. Maybe a dude somewhere can refuse to pick her call because he has other mpangos? And what mpango would one have better than this one.  I was telling myself that if it was me, I would not even allow her to climb mats, its better trouble remains.

In head, I telled myself that if only I knew English of niggas well well, I would have talked to her like satan.

Small, I telled myself to strengthen like a boy of child and talk to her, she might enter box and agree to accompany me where Martin Maura is drinking so that I go lie I have brought him persons and after buuuying expensive dogogio, we lost?

In head, I started to rehearse good English lines, and possible answers she would give, and my replies to her replies in order for me to win her there and then.

Head telled me to say "Hey baby, yo so, sexxy" and head telled me she would reply "theeenx" and I would reply 'seen me before?" She would say "Nooo" and I would reply " Even on facebook?" And she would reply "aii.. noo" and I would reply "Thats where I work." And she would say "you are funny" and I would say""theenk you baby. And yo look like Liyana, nawamsain " and she would say "waoo, really? and I would reply "but you are a little bit sexier, you know." And she would reply "You can say thal again" and would say "do u mind dlinking dogogio of nairobi of up? like at Tribeka? then she would say "What is dogogio? I would reply.. Lets go there u will see what dogogio is" and she would say "I dont do Tribeka, I do, Westi" and I wold say "wherever you want we will go, but lets try Tribeka and if you dont like the place, I will double your money" and she would say "In that case, I have putted my thuruari on my bag! Lets go!"

Before finishing to think the possibles, we reached Roast house area and her phone ringed. She picked and in loud voice, she saided:

"harooo ooi poree sana, sikua na clendit. washa nieke clendit nikupigie nikichuka kwa gali"

Oi!!!, I refused to know how such a sun like persons can shrub like that, badder than me even.


I jumped from the matatu because I did not want to hear another word from her.


As I was walking away, I remembered another persons Theuri used to have.  She was sun like, dark and small lips, meaning even tiita was small. She also had a job, so, she used to throw rounds too.  But the moment she opened her mouth to talk, everyone would refuse to know. Out of topic and shrubing like satan. Theuri used to avoid her unless they were two. If he felt he wanted to pour, he would either go to her house or call her where only them two were.




I remain,


Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr Gyno.

Where Do You Live?

• Although all these Suzzy Tujuane 'rants' is fast becoming tired, there is a story it reminded me small. Not funny but true.
  

  
  Majority of people that live in South C dont like people of Eastlands. Eastlands has been destroyed name for by persons from Far east. Far east is polite word for Uyore for those who comes from Ngarua and Kinoo. The persons of far east are famous for putting rice in peoples drink and also houses Mungiki. Therefore, I understand when people refuse to know.
  
  Same thing with us here. If you tell me you live in I dont know porshy estate, I first think of the next "unfavorable" estate near where mentioned. Like if a persons tells you she lives in Umo 2, fill for yourself she lives in far east. If a persons tells you she lives in Pangani, fill for yourself that it is Mathare. If it says it is Ngong rd, that is Kawangare. It is says Thika road, it is either Githurai near thiefs or Mathare north. I will tell you why.
  
  Not long ago, as I was swinging nyees in town, I entered an exhibition that sells clothes. I entered and scanned through and in one shop, I saw a persons that looked like sun from out, just like that Tujuane shick. Infact sunner coz she was taller and was smiling to me.
  
  She was the kind that you say, if you climb her, you will stay for one week without washing that josto so as not to wash that feeling away. In head, I knew it was an uphill task to get her come to Magomano because she looked soo sun and demand looked like it was very very high. She is the kind you call at 8 and she tells you.. 'imagin niko home, mpangoless". You refuse to know how that can happen, of all the persons. She is supposed to be with rich of the surrounding, destroying money with them, not mpangoless.
  
  To emerge on top, I to do what a clever wama rabbit would do - show them the money. Show them that you work at Delarue.
  
  Fast forward, small she agreed to come and help the leader to destroy few thousands.
  
  When she came, she ordered Black ice. If a persons asks for Black Ice, I knewed it was on head. Persons put thuruari on head faster if they take black ice, so it was a guarantee I was going to eat a sun like persons.(And by the way, KBL should go to satan. That Snapp shit has complicated our game. It does not eat them faster and well well like Black Ice and all persons have now turned to that shit)
  
  As we talked about "her" business, she asked me where I live. Since I had telled her that I work for the man drawn in 40 bob coin (You dont say directly Delarue, many persons dont know, so you must include the owner of the business) she looked at me like she refused to know. She saided that most Eastlands people are so ghetoish. Eastlands people dont know what fries is, 50% think it is meat of fry, and the other 50% think it is those things that lives near latrines, easlands people dont know how to dress and dont speak good english, and dont know Opennings.
  
  I took that as a compliment and telled her that nevertheless, she should never blacken a tractor because of dust. People that own Nairobi comes from Muranga, then Eastlands. When I asked her where she lived, she telled me she lived in Ngumo estate. There there, I knew that I was dealing with a baby of rich and cannot be climbed in Ngara or other funny places like Nawas, rest, thuruari will refuse to be removed.
  
  After she refused to know herself, we wented to a place called OAKWOOD Guest house, only Rich allowed.
  
  For those who dont know nairobi well, it is opposite The Stanley. Room go for 6k plus for ONE DAY ONLY!!. And you dont go with the bed in the morning. That is for sleep ing and you leave like that.
  
  As I was climbing her, I was telling myself that I was climbing a baby of a rich person and that made me feel good 5 times over.
  
  After on joti, like a person who had been bewitched, tree refused to wake up again. I tried and tried and when I saw it could not wake up even with medicine, I telled the persons I drop her home
  
  She was not liking the idea but she washed herself and removed from room.
  
  When we reached Ngumo, she directed me to a gate near where matatus reach end. She then entered gate and I lefted.
  
  I dropped her many other times because she did not feel like not having to be climbed by a guy that works for the guy in the 40bob not. One day, I saw a persons in the same exhibition. She had heard with rumor that I work for Delarue and I remove money so easily like satan, so she wanted to have a share.
  
  Small, she putted it on head. Though she wasnt so sun, was momo medium and very very hot tiita. Not the tiita you want to leave like that. And she was not expensive. Word went round and reached this sun persons. She was planted and was warned to keep off. She was telled that the way she puts it on head for every dick and tom,she should keep off coz I dont eat of to die.
  
  Later I met the mini momo, the putter of head to every one, she telled me
  
  "Unajua ni kwanini ule dame hatakangi tuongee? tutaoa siri zake. Eti anakwambiaga anaishi wapi?
  
  I saided Ngumo. She telled me "She has carried you babish like the way she carries other men. She lives in Kibera Raini saba. What she does is, she enter that court and when you leave, she gets escorted by soldiers until Kibera. There is a ka chum that enters Kibera. Be wise"
  
  I refused to believe but saided, is it that I want to go live with her parents or is it her tiita that I want. Whether is from Kibera, or Lavi, or Far east, as long as you are not putted medicine, or talked bad like Tujuane, there is no harm.
  
  Infact, that made me save more coz I was climbing her in cheap lodgings from then.
  
  But to satisfy my curiosity, coz in head, it was telling me there is no way persons that looks like sun can live there. There are thousands of men with money who can remove them there if indeed that is her hood. So, one day, I decided to go during day time and see that ka chum that enters for Ngumo stage to Kibra. True, there is, it leads until Chiefs office and Kibera inside piu.
  
  I am not saying it is bad to live in Kibera, but it is bad to say
  Eastlands people are ghetoish when indeed you live in Kibra. Even South B or South C borders Mukuru. (I dont know which is which, I know one is opposite the other, but according to Tujuane, "C" removes celebrity malaria)  So, it is bad to say South ABCD.
  
  I remain,
  
  This Man,
  Dagitari Onjohi
  Snr. Gyno
  Seer of many

  
  

People's PMs.

I promised to beat you a story that was reminded to me today by today's Maina Kageni show in the morning about how your best friends borrow your PM.
I personally cant borrow any PM, leave along a PM of my friends. Infact I just even wented through my Phone book to see if I have any contacts of peoples PM. I dont.

If you want to go to Satan, kwanza the leader of satan, climb a married persons. You will go to satan and when you remove from satan, you will be returned to satan again. I always say this, for every married persons I know, I know 20 persons that are not married and they have it on head. So, why pray to go to satan by force? Again, in my village, they say if you climb a married persons, your PM will also be climbed. For me, I avoiod that coz If I just dream anyone climbing my PM, I can first smash my TV and kill everything in the kitchen, before realising that I was just dreaming.

In short, I dont climb married and I also dont climb persons below the age of 23. The other major major thing about this two categories is that none of them will ask you to put makobosto. They will beg you to throw in on wall, and since I am not of the blackest satan like Mose who only sees makobosto on TV, I prefer to keep off. The last and least is that they are irresistible in this sense. They dont carry demands like ordinary persons. Their only problem is good tree. If any married get to taste this zig, I dont know what will happen. And to avoid that, I decline those tiitas.

This story I am about to beat you happened over 10 years ago. It involved Theuri and our common biz friend called (Deleted).

One time, Theuri was doing some biz with this guy and small, it started to bring money. As you all know, small money comes with warmth. It is in that warmth that they decided the biz should buy cars for each of them. Since the money that was available could not buy two, they decided to buy one, they share. After all, they were living in the same estate and the car was to enable supply of goods outside town easier.

After small time, That biz partner of Theuri decided to bring his PM in the stall biz that they were sharing with Theuri because most of the time, they were going to supply stuff outside town and the attendant persons that were being written in the stall were small thiefs, always stealing and confusing mathematics.

Warmth of money also makes josto stand. And not just standing, it makes it want to enter diferent holes. Since it was first time this guy had seen real money, he started to look for different persons every weekend, including toothless. Although Theuri eats anything, he advised him to get youngs youngs with hot blood because he saided that those small small persons dont know how to destroy money like experienced persons who can eat a whole story building with speed.

In the evening, we would meet at Citrus in Ngara (That time, there was no other club of mugithi that was saying like Citrus) to thank ourselves.

After, the guy would go to room with young blooded of KU and lie to his PM that they are out of Nairobi with Theuri and would be back on Sunday evening. He would then ramnya the persons and tomorrow of that day, to show his PM that for real they were out of town, he would call Theuri and go to his home together.

Now, as you all know, Satan is very very bad. When seated at their stall with PM to his biz partner when work was slow, satan would give him ideas that he shold climb this Pm and small time, Theuri started to borrow PM.

When she refused to put it on head, Theuri drewed a plan. A very very satanic plan. When he dropped his biz partner at room with his trappers, they agreed as usual to meet tomorrow of that day so that they go home and say they were out. Theuri with his satain, instead of driving home or going along Stima Plaza to pick a trappers, he drove until the house of his partner.

When he reached gate, he called the PM to his friend

"Wa Ciru toka haha gate ine" (come here at the gate")

When she came he told her that he wanted to tell her something and it is betteer he tells her inside house. He was ushered in. He then started

"Ati muthee akwira twiku?" (Where did mzee tell you we are?")

She said Kisii. He said ebu call him. She dialled his number and he stayed small before picking. When he picked she asked

"Nimukinyire Githii? (Did you reach Kisii?)

He saided " Teneeee. Ona twina Theuri haha ni umwe turanyua tuone toro" (Long time. I am with Theuri, we are drinking one to get sleep)

Filling chocked in throat by anger, she cutted phone and started to wail. As she was crying, he telled her that when his hubby says they are out of town, it is always a lie, at that time, he is having a ka persons by his side.

PM to hear that, she removed thuruari to Theuri in protest of his hubby's trapping. That day, Theuri slept at his pals, enjoying tiita at his pals house, Free, no paying room and no buying beer.

Following day, Theuri picked his pal and in the evening,they passed Marigiti and boughted many bananas of Kisii. They then drove to his pals house and started to discuss how biz was like in Kisii. The PM was looking at them with vagina of her eyes, knowing very well that her hubby has slept climbing another persons and herself, she has has slept being climbed the whole night by Theuri.

Small time, this became a habit. Every time Theuri dropped his pal to a room with a persons, he would drive to the pals home and celebrate the PM of his pal.

After a few months the PM started to steal from the biz. Theuri realised and telled his pal. They differed and went to the shop to do mathematics. As they differed, Theuri confronted the PM and argument arosed.

The pals telled Theuri to come slow on his pm. Through Theuri's verbal diarhoea, he saided "Mutumia wanaku na niguo atuiyite" (PM of where and the way she has stolen from us?)

The pal also saw it is not good to be stolen and asked the pm to explain where some money has goned.

Due to anger, she saided " Icio ni nyingi kuri iria utwaragira maraya maku? (Is that many than that you take to your trappers?)

This guy is also another one. He replied "Maraya ciakwa cie murio
gugukira. Nicinyongaga muti na cititidaga ikinegena kana kurio ni mutwe every night" (My trappers are sweeter than you. They even suck my mutree and they dont make noises every day or saying they are being eaten by head every night)

On hearing this and in anger, she telled the hubby that if he thinks he can lie to her that he is out of town and that time he is climbing persons in Ngara, she in turn gets climbed by Theuri and others and telled him how he came to know.

What followed there after was like Ndrama. It was like Vindio.

That is why I vowed, I will never touch a married persons. Never.

I remain,

Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr. Gyno.
Refuser of Under 21 and Married persons.

The Remover in Persons

I once wrote this story.. http://www.wanjohidaily.blogspot.com/2011/05/fly-women-rule-our-world.html

But I am now realising that some rare intelligent species of men like me grow brains with age.

On Friday, I inserted in one of the chemists at Corner house. Infront of me, was a small persons, below the recommended keeping age" (i.e 25yrs).

She ordered for 92. P2, for the sake of those who comes from Ng'arua and Dodoli of Head, P2 is special medicine THAT persons swallow when they get climbed bila makobosto. In a fairer word, it is medicine that is used to remove stomach legally and without feeling guilty..

I moved to her and initiated a conversation. In my capacity as a senior gyno, I also offer counseling services to people with no good head.

She gave me her number and I promised to buy her lunch where I eat everyday, i.e. Kosewe following day. But in the other side of my brain, I also saw an opportunity to drink beer from several of my friends, including Theuri, Akuku or Mpesa in exchange of beer at Tribeka.

On sato, at exactly 9.21 AM my phone was ringing with no end. It was that persons. She asked me if I was game for lunch and replied that I was, like satan.

By 3, Martin refused to be introduced and so, all others I could supply persons to in exchange of beer and meat of burnt, so I did not remove myself.

Jana, the persons started again, calling until 12.30 until I gave up and decided to call her to our other office in Nairobi of up, not Rifarori.

She came within a few seconds and sat herself at the reception. Just when I was about to remove, my boss called me and gave me some work.

Seeing that the persons had waited for an hour, and since I had salary, I went and gave her 5sock and telled her to go eat lunch, we talk another day when I had time.

Before 6 reached, she called again and telled , although in very many words, I sum it up
"Sweerie, my phone has destroyed earpiece and fudi has telled me that it is software and it is 4k. Please send me 4 k I repair"

Instead of laughing, I wanted to cry in anger. This persons barely knewed me for a day and was asking me for 4k from me? And of all the people? Meen! I refused how she carried me and what impression she got when I gave her 5sock for lunch.

I called theuri and showed him the sms from her. He telled me "tushangiri twacanukire muno thiku ici. tutiraragira. Konire uhana mbeca. Weda miti iri, to rimue ndukoragwo mutwe" (This days, tujangiris became more clever,. they cannot sleep hungry. you can send her 2k, because sometimes you dont have head"

I decided to measure her devil. I telled her I know a good and fair fudi, she shud take to, then I be billed.

She replied.. 'No, I want to take to my fudi myself. Most fudis are fake and thiefs'

I telled her to wait I will call her after a meeting.

When she called, I telled her to wait until my check matured next week, I will buy her a new phone. In head, I refused to know.

Today. at noon, she called again and said

"Baby, imagine we have not been paid, and my rent is due today, 5th. please send me 10k I will refund when we get paid'

I hit myself two hard slaps for having picked her first call when she called. But to dismiss her, advised her to talk to the agent to wait until when they receive pay.

She said their agent is very bad, cannot listed. I telled her for now, I cant.

Now, right now, at exactly.. lemi check phone record... 16.55 She called again..

'Baby, imagine I have decided to leave that work. I cant work with such stress. We dont get paid in time, they pa us peanuts. Now, si u send me something for upkeep, to enable me find another job'

I telled her to cut phone, I will call her. I then went to latrine, removed trouser and hit my nyees so hard 5 times for having someone like that call me'

Bending because of pain of hitting mself so hard, I wrote an sms

'Bish, you know wat, I am sending you no money. All persons in Nairobi knows me. they knows me as a man that does not remove money just like that. Not because I dont have, but because I grow brains everyday. Please dont call or sms this number again, because I have sold it. bish!"

Now, there is something I have refused to know. Why are persons like that? Although this one is excess, too excess coz she is an easlander, why would a persons borrow money from a stranger with such vigor? I have met many but this one is on her own class. In my village, if a persons borrow you money and she is not known very well to you, you refuse to know and forget her completely. the only persons who should DEMAND money from you on first encounter is a trapper. The rest, it should either come from me without asking or when I have drinked too many KCs.

I remain,

Dagitari Wamagogo
Snr. Gyno & Refuser of to Know.

Customer Care: How To Deal With Wanjohi

A few minutes ago, my phone cried and on looking, a call was coming from 0733100000. In head, it telled me that that is Airtel Kenya calling to tell me they are about to refund the money they wrongfully deducted from my Airtel money on 4th. Even before picking, the first thing that came to my mind was what to do with that "forgotten money. First thing was Buru massage, then dogogio with no end in the evening. Caller: (in soft voice) I am calling from Airtel Kenya and my name is (forgot). Who I am talking to?

Me: You wanted to talk to who?

Caller: I can see you contacted our customer care numberous times a couple of weeks ago.

Me: Ok ok. My name is Dr. Onjohi, Snr. Gyno.

Caller: What was the issue and was it sorted out?

Me: The issue was with Airtel money. Yeah? I attempted to withdraw some money from Family ATM. The money never came out, and I was deducted 3 times. Can you believe that? But there was a partial refund that was done, actually not from Airtel money, but some individuals who work there who could not handle my pressure.

Caller: Ok. What you need to do, call 111, then choose option 5, that is Airtel money department, they will solve it

Me: (Feeling anger all over me) Escuuuusss me madam, you called me, right? Were you calling to offer solution or to add more pressure to me? ah!. FYI, I gave up on that money. If you were not calling to tell me you have finnaly resolved, you can escuss me. I was in the middle of something.

Caller: Ok. Thanks and I hope you will have wonderful experience with Airtel in future.

This has forced m to revisit the issue I had long forgotten. Even Martin lefted them with 1k they refused to return after he had sent to a dormant number.

On wed last week, I happened to be along Mbsa Rd. When I reached parkside towers, and I had some time to waste, I decided to pop in there and makes someone's life miserable if they were unable to solve the issue.

Fast forward:

I went to one customer care rep who had a tag written Monica Kinyua. When I explained, she dismissed me and telled me to go to Family. I maintained my cool and explained all over again.

That is when she logged in to her comp and checked. She checked and checked, then said all is ok. I pointed to her to explain why some money was missing. I took her through step by step of all my transaction. Check my bal. on 3rd. She ckecked. On 4th. she checked and refused to know why some money was missing, without saying where it went.

Monica Kinyua: How much did you withdraw?
Me: How much can you see from your system.
Monica Kinyua: 123
Me: Whats the bal. after?
Monica Kinyua: 345
Me: And why is that?
Monica: You withdrew money.. Did you withdraw 3 times?
Me: Thats why I am here. Is it possible to withdraw 3 times using the same ATM authoorization code?
Monica Kinyua: I can see you withdrew.. once... same trasnaction code. And where did this money go?
Me: Are you asking me?
Monica Kinyua: Did you withdraw money from Equity?
Me: Is it possible to withdraw Aritel money from Equity ? I just queried from "Withdraw from ATM option" on the menu. Got negative. Thats why ur seeing Equity there. Or does it indicate money was withdrewed?
Monica Kinyua: And where did the money go?
Me: I told you to query your system. Thats a stupid question to ask a customer Monica Kinyua: If you become rude like that I will not serve you. You understand me?

(I was attempted to tell her to to go to satan, but I retrained myself) Me: Since you can point out the anomaly, can I have the money returned to my account, then you are left queering the system. Is it made in Shina?

She looked at me very very bad the, she called another customer care lady to come and help her resolve. In head, I got that she was either an intern or very very clueless of her job there, or damn lazy. The other lady also refused to know and advised her to call someone, I guess her boss. Monica didnt have the phone password so, she asked the lady to open the phone for her. I refused to know why she would seat on that desk if she was not allowed to make calls using the desk phone.

She talked to a person called Debbie. Debbie also dismissed and said that it was all well. I said I am not going anywhere until I am sorted out. I told her to make Debbie understand the same way I made her understand.

When she was relucant at first, I telled her

Me: Can you put me through to Sidney?
Monica Kinyua: Who is Sidney?
Me: He is your boss
Monica Kinyua: I dont know him.
Me: Thats why you are clueless of what is expected of you if you dont know your bosses
Monica Kinyua: You are very arrogant
Me: Thank you.

Phone was opened again for her to call Debbie. She made Debbie to understand same way I made her understand. After a few minutes, Debbie called and said that my account will be credited with the thieved amount within 24hr. I telled Monica Kinyua not to forget to also refund the transactions fees.

Before leaving, I sensed I was just being dismissed because it was almost 6, they wanted to go home or to those expensive dogogio place along mombasa rd.. So I continued

Me: What if the issue is not resolved within 24 hrs?
Monica Kinyua: Call the customer care
Me: Give me Cusotmer cares number of this center
Monica Kinyua: You call 111......
Me: I swear I cant dare call that number. Those are telemachines. I want real people. Give me the number I will reach you on?
Monica Kinyua: We dont have a customer care number here. You will have to call 111 Me: I told you I cant. I am just following this to know what I will do, incase I was following 100k. Not that I need that money. You saw the bal in that account? that should tell you I to follow that small amount. But I am entitled to every cent in my account? I not?.
Monica Kinyua: I dont even know this extension.
Me: Give me your number then?
Monica Kinyua: We dont give our numbers to customers!
Me: Maaam, seriously?! you dont know your extention, you dont know your carecentre number...you dont know your boss, next time, you will tell me you dont know this building.
Monica Kinyua: : ok ok ok. 0733330778

Satan tells me in ear to call to confirm it if will enter. I get "Sorry, the number you have called is switched off"

Me: That number is off maam! (She is twedi something, but I want her to feel bad about herself)
Monica Kinyua: Yes, but tomorrow it will be on.

I SMDH (Shaked my Dick Head) and walked out, knowing very very well that Airtel has stolen me with chest.

I would wish they can learn one or two things from like my favorites.

1. Coop:

Coop banks "Hello, Wangeci speaking, can I help you?"
Me: Give me card center
Coop bank: Kindly call this numer if you want to...
Me: Madam, escussss me. I called this number coz its on the back of my card. Give me card center. I have used this number before, so dont tell me stories oh!
Coop bank: Ok, Mr. Wanjohi, hold the line as we transfer you to...
Me: I am Doctor Wanjohi please.
Coop bank: Sorry Doc. Hold the line I put your through.
Me: You should!.

Small time

Card center (with heavy kale accent): Hello card center can I help you Me: Yes, I was trying to do an online transaction but my card is being declined. You having some problem or something
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Give me your card number Sir Me: 123456456
Card center (with heavy kale accent): How much did you want to transaction Sir? Me: 99 doras
Card Centre(with heavy kale accent: ( Chuckles small) Have you checked your balanace sir. Maybe you have insufficient funds
Me: I just deposited 50,000 via mpesa.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Sometimes mpesa transation takes an hour to reflect. Its not realitime kindly call the customer care and confirm the money was deposited.
Me: What do you mean by realtime now?
Card center (with heavy kale accent): Immediate sir!
Me. Ok. Use simple English when talking to me. I deposited like 3 hrs ago. Check from your end. You work for coop.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Unfortunately I cannot access your account balance....
Me: Boss.. I am not. I know you can because you have done that before.
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Ok. give me your account number
Me: 123456
Card bank (with heavy kale accent): I dont think you have enough to transact 99 dollars. You have two hundred shillings Sir...
Me: Eish.. And why does Nationhela says it takes imediate to tranfer from mpesa to my card?
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): This is Coop bank sir. We dont deal with nationhela.
Me: Shit. I dialled the wrong number
Card centre (with heavy kale accent): Dont worry sir. Thank you for calling Coop bank card centre and have a good afternoon.

It is me, until Nationhela.
Nationhela: Thank you for calling Nationhela. You are talking to Lincoln, how can I help you?
Me: I deposited money on my card, has it arrived?
Nationhela: Kindly give me your mobile number sir.
Me: 123456
Nationhela: Sir, I can see a deposit of 500 bob on 5th Jan No other transaction.
Me: Thank you I just wanted to confirm. I will be depositing 50k soon. Hope you are not having delays?
Nationhela: We are game sir. And thank you for calling Nationhela. And next time you want to check balance, you can dial *348#
Me: I cant! Ah. You dont know it eats Kshs. 15 of my airtime every time I query my balance? Ah!
Nationhela: Sorry sir, and soon, we will address that soon.

Moral of the story:

If only Airtel can learn to call me Sir!

I remain,

Dagitari Wanjohi.
Snr. Gyno, River Rd. Inc.
Sns. Partner, REASM (Rich Enaf to be Stolen by Multinationals).