How I Ended Up With Leah Like Jacob

Long time ago, when the Earth was still young, there was a dude called Jacob, the bro to Esau. You need to have read bible to know about this story but in short,  he was once  swinging around Israel when he saw a sunlike persons. She was named Rachel. His tree stretched until knee.  He went until Rachels parents and negotiated a very horrible contract where he was to work for 7 years without pay in order to get a chance to dangle on Rachels. The father agreed. Rachel had a sister, quite Orangutan until no man in that whole village would want to dangle on hers.

After Jacob serving Laban for 7 matafaking years, he was called aside by Laban and telled that he can now ake the bride.

Excited that he was going to dangle, he invited all his friends to come party. I am not sure if this happened but I guess fed on dogogio until he refused to now himself.  He was then led to room by Laban. He touched and felt persons in the bed making his tree stretched until knee. He touched brookie of the ‘Rachel’ climbed her until morning emptying his bells piu piu.

When morning came, he turned over only to see he had climbed Leah instead of Rachel. He refused to know.

This is exactly what happened to me a while back, thanks to Theuri the Laban.

On this day, I called another Cambodian sun who had been promising to put thuruari on head for me as long as dogogio will come to come. I telled her to come with a friend who was ready her bean made tired without making life hard for the borrower.

And as usual, as you may have observed, majority of sunlike persons walks with persons who have beaten piu piu. It is imposible to find one sun with another sun. That’s 8th wonder of the world.

This particular one looked like she had employed a well eaten bouncer to be beating her one jab on the face every morning. She had two or three front teeth missing and the remaining were brown piu piu.  Her eyes too were exactly like that of Leah the daughter of Laban and had her eyebrows drawn to extend until ears, she drinks Tusker and talks in a heavy Kitui accent.  In short, she was reincarnation of Leah. But she had body of model and thutha of Sidika. But as you know, thutha and figures are kachumbari. Cute face is the meat. You cant go to a butchery and say you have come to eat Kachumbari 1kg.

When they entered, Theuri telled me in ear “uria wi muoyo njira ino tinie ndareheruo? (that one who is alive tell me this one its not what she has brought me)

I telled him to relax we buy her dogogio then she go.

Small, Theuri telled me in ear

“Munene reke nguire, niwona mahiki maya machapu. Me murigo utahana. Nie ndiui uria guthiaga na reke nguire, me murigo mutight mutight! ta ngoma (Leader, let me tell you. These persons that have beaten, let me tell you, they have a tiita that you refuse to know. I don’t know how it goes, but their tiita you cant find it anywhere. Very tight like satan”

I started getting happy because head telled me Theuri has accepted to climb her.

He beated and beated drums for persons who have beated until I was almost starting to hate sunlike persons.

We continued to drink, beating stories here and there. Small, I saw my persons start to take some interest on Theuri because of the phone calls he was making.

I started to listen to the calls and followed the conversation.

“Wakahare, wimmuega huaine? mbathii niupakire? Niwaihuria maguta? Niwarora kana spare ina miruki to hau niho muriganagiruo muno? (wakahare, have you parked the bus? Have you filled it with oil? Have you checked  whether the spare leg has air because that is where you forget more?)

He cutted that one and made another call. From far, I could see he was dailing Akuku's No. He then putted phone on speakerphone mode then started talking while papasaring his stomach with one hand like rich.

Theuri: Haroo.

Akuku: Muneneeeeee! (Biggie!!)  (sounding drunk and in a bar)

Theuri: Nyukwaa. Ni kunyua uranyua mbeca  iria mwatinda mukinjia ? (Mother! Is it drinking you are drinking money you have stayed stealing from me?)

Akuku: (Now realizing Theuri is inserting someone box says) Pole munene, ino nikuguriruo ndaguriruo  (this one I was bought)

Theuri: Mbathi niupakire ?(Did you park the bus?)

Akuku: Umuthi tuthukumite muno munene, no forithi na kanjoo irathumbura muno(we have made a lot of money today but police and kanju are disturbing much)

Theuri:  Nindamuheire budget ya kanju na forithi. Ta njira atiri, to maguta nimaguire I, nikii mbathi icio ciakwa iraihura ona thogora uria wa tene(I gave you budget of kanjo and police. Now, tell me, because oil has falled, why is it that they are still being filled with the same money as before)

Akuku: Aca munene, riu turasave ngiri inya o muthenya (No leader, we are saving 4k daily)

Theuri cutted phone. He made 3 other such calls to people who can make deal and asked about his buses.

He then cutted and saided in loud voice

“niwamenya mbathi nicio ithumburaga. Koruo marori nimathumburaga ingiahura thimu kinya kiroko. (You know buses gives me headache unlike my trucks. If they were, I could make calls until tomorrow)

There there, I saw my persons was only wanting to hear Theuri. But in my head, I didn’t imagin that she could be stolen on day one. Head was telling me that maybe tomorrow of that day, she will be invited when I am not there and come nayu nayu.

He then picked phone again

 “Wewe!, urihama? Ulipaka nyumba yangu rangi ama nijipakie tukate kwa deposit? Deposit utarudishio kama utapaka rangi. Ee? sawa kama umepaka. But razima nikuje nikague kama umeharibu, nitakuja next week. Wacha kusema tafadhari. Kata simu na sipendagi tenant kunipigia simu usiku” (He even forgoted that he was the one who had made the call)

He made several until I stopped following.

Dogogio came to came until I refused to know myself piu piu until I dozzed off as usual.. They continued to drink.

Small, I was woken up to go to room. I was not knowing myself even small.

I held my persons hand and left for room.

To cut to the chase

Inside the room.

It is me, pointing zig.

The moment tree touched lips, she started

Woiyyeyeye mamee woiyee eee mameeeee

I refused to know she is saying mbus yet it is only head that had entered.

When it was all in, still saying those mbus of upus, she lifted one leg and rested her gatende on mukuruguthu of leader where ordinarily when we were monkeys, where tail used to remove from.

Twaff twaff ooh, her mbus became louder and louder.

As her mbus became louder and playing her hands all over me my body, armpits, nipples, inserting finders in my ears all at the same time I refused to know if there was an extra persons hidden under the bed (same style wagangas from Tanga hide people under the bed to talk as wangwana) one papasaring the body and the other one closing ears. Only a Cambodian with special juju powers can achieve that feat.

She contined saying mbus

“uui bambbbeee aaaaa sitawai kuwaayaaa ayi mbaby I love you.. ndeeper, ndeeper mbembii mbabeeeeee sitawai kuwayaa aki sita wai, ingisa kavisa! ing’isa kavisa yote yote”

I understand Kamba perfectly well, so I knew what she was saying.

She then stopped saying mbus and swinging and asked me

“utawai niaya?”

I refused to know.

Among the things I fear in life, it is hot uji, Mukanju and Kitui Cambodian. I have serious fears for those. I have been made to believe that they can plant kamuti on you until you will transfer all your wealth to them and leave yourself with nothing.

She asked again in louder voice “mbambi utawai niayaa?”

Here, head was telling me that I was about to unknowingly swear unbreakable allegiance  to her so that I can transfer my trucks and stairs to her, or worse,  satan had been looking for an opportunity to inscribe 999 on my forehead and here, he had found a perfect opportunity.

When I refused to answer, the matapaka removed the leg that had been stationed at where tail used to be and straightened the other one as if to tell you, wake me up when you are done.

I gave in. In small voice, I saded “apana, sitawai” But in heart, I knew I will not pick her calls again.

“akia Wanjoi  nikuni en yoe? sema akianani" She asked.

Akia nani” I replied.

 There there, she returned leg on my tail and the other one bended in a way to make her swinging faster and perfect. In my head, I concluded that when Satan will come to insert 999 on people’s  forehead, he will not secretly insert chips as many speculate. He will not use PINs or anything complicated for that matter and he will not do it secretly. He will time when you have just inserted josto on a Cambodian persons then stops you small to ask if you want 999 or josto be removed. In that way, he will not get one refuser.

Twaff twaff, small, I poured and collapsed on top of her.

She asked me “kwani ni alaka aye? Atsi, mimi siyatoza”

She pushed me away from her top, removed from bed, went to latrine, cutted a tissue, came, removed makobosto and putted me another one.

She then lay and telled me to come on top so that she can finish also.

Tree had not fully remove air so before it hohad,  I inserted again and started pumping again, though very very bored.

Small, she was like "nakuya! nakuya! nimekuyaaa!"

I removed josto and fell asleep immediately.

 Small, I was woken by women of sheets knocking the door. You know the way they knock as if they are trying to flush out an ISIS ouf of the room

“wewe ! Customer customer toa machuka! customer customer hauskii? Ebu turuchie cheets”

I felt myself and tried to open eyes. On my chest, there was a hand of persons rested there. I turned small and the first thing I noticed was mapengod persons. I refused to know how she lost some teeths overnight coz last night she had all. I refused to know how she has become black and she was yellow yellow last night. I  refused to know how  her other teeth changed to brown overnight.

She then saided “mbembi umeamka. Uko sawa, wewe ni ndume aki. Unayua kupanya kasi kabisa. Nayua unataka kayoti ya hasuvui?

Head refused to know, last night, she was speaking without accent, now she has gained accent.

I turned aside to try to comprehend when she saided

Mbambee, na yana ulini pulomis utanivea elvu tano na ulisema via ati utanivea vrat moya nilipishange. Siyai ona mwanaume wa nguvu kama wewe.

I sat down and hoped what i am seeing is not true.  “Leah” lay  besides me

I refused to know how it happened and suspected it is Theuri the Laban that insert me box.

I removed from room in speed and called Theuri.

“We itina riri niatia urekire mani? Kai kurathire atia? (you ass, What did you do man? How did it go?”

He returned “Urandeheire mori chapu uguo arafu iranyua tusker kai ndi muguruki? mimi ni mguruki? (You brought calf that has beated that even drinks tusker, am I mad?”

He then telled me that I am the one who saided I want that one until my persons was offended and decided to give theuri all holes because of anger.

I quit dogogio until the following day.

ION Kikuyu adults plays are back. Ikenia Arts​ starting  month.

 I am,

Dagitari Onjohi

The Other Side of Tranport Business

I have never telled you why Theuri removed from transport business. That is the reason Theuri faints faints and wakes up tommorow of that day if you mention trucks business. The memory of that business is soo bitter, he faints again if he remembers after waking up that he had remembered about his truck.

Theuri had a several million loan from NIC to buy a tifa from TATA motors. When he was buying, he had been made to believe that daily, it will be inserting a profit of 30k after removing all things. So, paying 250k a month did not, in his wildest dream, seem to be a problem. In his head, he had calculated that to he was to be remained by over 600K a month after paying loan on a bad month.

He did mathematics and saided he will build a flat in every estate in Nairobi and keep one trapper in each, meaning daily, he will be pouring at will.

To cut the story short, he did not smell any profit to close to that. But it was making money small small in then middle of many troubles of police, kanju and others whose lives depends solely on the owners of trucks.

One day, the loan had pressed him too much. It was almost due date and he didnt have even what. God came through in the hour of need; he was given contract of supplying stones, from a quarry in Syokimau inside inside until various places.

Everyday, it was making 25k without lacking until he started to talk bad that how people with many trucks but always sing trouble. It is me he was backbitting. Satan as you know is another one.

One day, we were at Magomano eating meat of dipping when a call came through. Looking, it was a driver of his truck. In his head, he knew something must have gone wrong somewhere as usual because drivers dont call the owner to tell him how they have made money. It is only to sing trouble.

When he picked the driver saided

"Munene, hena gathina. Rori ni ya tiruka guku kwale, ona yuma hakuki kugua kware ine irima thiini,. Riu inyitituo nda ndingigucio no nginya yoyuo na kirini" (Big, there is a small trouble. The lorry has slipped small almost falling in quarry. It cant be pulled by other trucks because it is catched in the stomach, only a crane can remove it, it lifts it up and return it on road"

There there, we started looking for a crane to lift it up. All cranes he call, they say they charge 8k an hour, and they must be paid 2 hours of coming and 2 hours of returning. This excludes the hours it will take to recover. This means you also pay it when its on road to recover the truck. It starts your work when it beats engine fire from the owners place.

I happened to know a person that knew a Shineese that had a crane. I was given the Shineese no. I called him and telled him what I wanted. he telled me.

"Me recover at 25k."

I telled him 20. He saided "nooooo, 25 k last last. 25 good laaa. ok? "

I telled Theuri that he has asked 30k to recover and does not count hours of the road. Theuri saided ok.

I went outside and telled him

'Charge 30k, you give me 5. Deal la?

He agreed. But before he could start the engine of his crane, he wanted a deposit of 20k sent to him. Theuri sent to him by MPESA.

The crane went and lifted the lorry up high. Then the unthinkable happened.

We were still drinking at Magomano. The drivers call came. Theuri telled u that he knows it has been recovered, it is balance they want of 10k but wont send today.

Driver: "Munene, guathuka o rimue! Dagika ya 90" (Big, it has become bad at once. 90th minute"

He asked what happened as he shook all bells.

The driver saided

"Mushina ndagiuka oherera kirini, oya rori iguru piu niguo amicokie fara o ta mutugo. O rimue, tuaigua twafff... kirini yatuika. Reke nguire, rori yaikuruka buga buga,kinya kware thiini. Kiromita ta thate. Kuu no mahoya mangimiruta" (The chineese guy came and folded his crane on the lorry. He lifted it up hi so that he return it to the road. Small, we heard twaff. The crane had cutted, the lorry went down down the quarry like 30 kilometers deep. I think the only thing that can remove it from that far now is prayers"

He fained. When he woke up, he asked the driver where is Chineese he abuse him and make him pay for damages.

The driver saided "Riria ona kirini yake yatuika na kuria rori yaku yagua, no itinga riake arurumia na athie" (When he saw his crane cut, and the far your lorry has falled, he just beated his truck engine and left"

There there, Theuri kept quiet for like one hour while gazing at me.

He then saided

"No ngumenyaga Wanjohi niukunyarira. No ngumenyaga tu. We niwe urehire mushina ucio. Riu nderuo kirini yake handu ha kuruta rori irima, nikumiikia ya miikia. kwanja akiendaga. We riria uthire kwariria nja, uma kwira mushina waku amiikie fiu. Niwakinina niwakena. Gatuni ona kibau ndigatumiire na nigathie' (I knew Wanjohi you will destroy me. I knew piu piu. You are the one that brought that Chineese. I have been told that instead of recovering my truck, he lifted it up and threw it inside quary deliberately. I think when you went to talk outside, you went to tell your Chinese guy to fall my lorry instead of recovering it. You have finished me and I kow you are now happy. The fucker has left and I had paid him 20k)

I removed phone and called the Shineese guy.

"What have you done my friend?"

Shineese "Ching hong ku ho"

Me: What are you saying? what happened la?"

Shineese: "chong ku shi h a. Me no know english la. Talk shina la cho chi hung!"

Me: what? I call police la?

Shineese "chong hu ko. no english now. talk shinese la"

So, after the business destroyed, he forgotted English even small. Before, he was talking and hearing English, now he doesn't.

We went until quarry and saw the damage. The lorry was down and looked like it scrap metal material even from far.

Theuri saided we go back. For one week, he did not go to recover until the owner of the quarry saided that he will recover it and throw it away because it was obstructing his work.

He looked for another crane and it was recovered. It had been destroyed piu. Even the mechanics advised him to buy another truck instead of even thinking of repairing that.

He measured it at those scrap metal.

Business is hard. Transport business is like marrying a trapper. You never know peace even small.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno

How To Enter Persons Before They Enter You

To the people who scratch skin and still want to climb the top cream in the society, there is hope. Big hope. Just Fake it till it dangles.

Last night, I sended airtime of 100 bob to another yellow yellow pupil of MKU. An hour later, she had not received the credit.

I saided, let me foward her the message of MPESA to her to prove to her that I actually boughted airtime for her because she was seeing as if I was lying.. In my mpesa account, I had a balance of 96shillings. I edited the mesage to read

"FW86PO014 confirmed. You bought Kshs100.00 of airtime on 29/10/14 at 10.06 PM new M-PESA balance is Kshs96,510.00.Save & earn interest on MShwari" and fowarded the mesage.

After that, wacha I tell you, the "sweetie" "bae" and "you are the loveliest" whatsapp I have received from last night until my phone has fulled all space. I have peeped on her profile,it is saying of how some men can be sweet. I have consequently made a date with her this evening at Bon Marche Lounge and tree must dangle.

This has reminded me of an incident that happened a week ago. If you are good in following instructions, that same same way i will beat you and tree fails to dangle, call me Ng'ang'a. You dont have to remove even one mistari, let your lies talk for you.

I met this persons through Theuri. She was telled I am a prominent MCA and the leader of the majority of Nyeri county. She was telled that Gashagua governor sees my call and shakes all bells because I can impeach him faster than a thief can withdraw mpesa sended to him by mistake. She was telled that I am very bad, I even board aeroplanes of Kenya Airways without ID, a feat that Weta and other minor leaders cannot.

But she came at a very bad time coz on that day, I had landed on foot like satan. It is Theuri and Akuku who were sitting me down at Magomano over a Bluemoon as I waited for Umoinner to drop fare to 50 bob so that I can afford to go home.


In her head, she could see that this guy being called Kiongozi, mara Leader of the majority mara Supreme leader was not buying even small, so in heart, she started to throw saliva out. Even when she was telled by Theuri that Itumbe stands up when shaking my hand, she still did not see me as if l look anything. Even when she was telled I have number of Uhunye,that direct line, she was still throwing saliva out in heart.

A week that followed, a friend who is building stairs in Utawara asked me to take for him some several thousands, slightly shy of half a mita at a hardware in Ruai bypass called Japar so that they can deliver some materials that were urgently needed at the site.

After I collected the money from the bank, satan whispered to me that I would be a big fool to carry such a huge cash and let not even one persons see it with eyes and think its mine. Head telled me that it will be foolish not to let that persons gowith me to the site and I lie to her that the site is of the supreme leader, thereby having legs putted at 180 effortlessly.
I returned to whatsapp to check which persons that does not carry the supreme leader anything.

From the conversation, I saw it was that Theuri's persons. In all our convo, it was like... "hi" hi" sema" those cold cold conversations that occurs to indicates you are not being felt even small, just that she has good heart not to ignore you or abuse you.

I dialed her number and asked her where she was coz I wanted to buy her lunch of strength. After small time, she came where I had parked.

My aim was for her to let her see the bundles of cash I had stashed at the dashboard's tray. And to see it to accompany me. And accompanying me, tree must dangle, unless the unlikely things occur, like month. And since within me, I did not have moneywith manners, only 2k, I had to take her to a good place with good affordable place with affordable meat an dogogio. Head telled me Bon Marche.

Once inside, I telled her that I wanted to buy her full Live shiken of Kienyenji at a place only rich of the sourouding,MCAs and other leaders well known enter. A place that rice putters cant reach.

It is this us, until thika road then until bypass. In my head, could see she was not carring me with heaviness a leader ofmajority deserved . Small, she made a call, then telled the person on the other end to call her back she had no credit.

I asked her if I buy her credit. She saided yes. I asked of how much she want. She saided even 100 is ok and in a tone that well portrayed that she could not take of 50. I telled her let me buy her of 250. her face litted up small.

I telled her to open that dashboard drawer and look if there is 500bob. When he opened and saw those bundles, she fainted small. She had never seen that kind of money soo close to her since she was born. When she regained conciousness, she inserted hand and looked for 500 from the bundles, though shaking shaking. She telled me she cant see any 500 note.

In loud voice, I saided "si uchukue thao mbasi, kwani kuna shida?"
She pulled a thao and closed the tray.

There there, she changed piu piu, its like she had met one Kirufi and promised a free apartment at 2 rivers.

Laughing in heart, It is this us, until Bon Marche and ordered a full live shiken that was slaughted as we see.

When we settled inside to wait for it to cook, I removed out as if I was going to latrine, beat car fire until Japar.

From each bundle, I removed 1k each, then putted money in a paper bad and handed it to  one owner called Kiama . I telled him that money is as it removed from bank, but its important to count again coz these days cashiers are thefer than thiefs. He saided he cant count because he trusts Muiguithania and trusts me even more. Head telled me I have epukad with the thiefed 5k.
To remove his head from the money, I asked him if we can do an equal equal of jogoo at Bon Marche. He saided I am the wisest man Tetu and the entire Nyeri country has even produced for coming out with such a good plan,save that the leader should doequall equal by himself.

I returned after I convinced them that it is unfair and injustice to let the leader bear the burden alone.


When I returned, she did not ask me where I was and why I took long. You dont ask the leader of majority who carries hundreds of thousands in his car as if its those coins you are returned change.
There was a big foreseable problem though. I could foresee her asking tobe assisted with 10k or thereabout. If she does before dangling, it would have meant I would remove like burier of grandmother.


When I was reading Gynaegology, there was a unit called psychology,the science of reading minds. In that, you are taught how to enter persons before she enters you. To go before or Kugia mundu mbere.
As we were talking, I started to tell her how young persons destroy for themselves for running after those people recently writen and asking for small money, then they aregiven, climbed and left just like that. I advised her that if she wants to own flats like those she was seeing and drive cars and become an MCA, she should ask for things that can help her in life not a few thaos.

I advised her how she can come to us rich and give us a proposal of even if its loaning her money to start a business that will build flats, not small mpesa things or buying a plot and she repays when business starts making money by itself  in 2030.

I telled her that some young persons ask for phones, which we monied fellas buy for them anyway, or a few coins like 10k but that only potrays them how small they are in mind to ask things that cant help. I telled her even if its problem of money, she should ask for hundreds of k that can wipe off all problems once and for all.

By the time we left there, she had removed thuruari and thrown it in latrine. She was even almost reaching a point of removing even trouser to walks without forthe supreme leader.

From then, any man who attempted to whatsapp or call her was abused her all. She was telling me that those small boys of town only want to buy dogogio but cannot share a goal with anyone. She saided they dont even have one goal to share anyway. Only dogogio.


After eating full shiken and drinking 4 guaranas, we left for site of owner. I telled her its my siteIamputting up some flats to add to my others I own here and there. I removed out and pretended to give instructions to foreman then left for room.


What happened in room, you have guessed right. 180 was putted and the leader, using the latest methodology aquired from Theuri of not pouring fast, (that of only inserting headand removing 9 times then inserting it all) the leader's 1k was thoroughly used to a maximum.
That of MPESA, I am taking her to Bon Marche this evening. She eats jogoo, then tree dangles. That one hundred airtime will be used well.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi

Snr Gyno & Supreme Leader

Pastor Wanjohi Wamagogo

After my taxi business drank water, I returned to practice what I had learned in college. Doing Ms word.


One afternoon, I was cooling bells in the office broke and refusing to know where to remove money of matubo, a phone came in from a factory in Mang'u that were experiencing problems with Ms word in their machines. They wanted me to go treat it asap. After we agreed on my charges, I called PM and telled her to abuse our local shop keeper, mama mboga and the landlord. I telled her that we will never sing problems again, atleast for a month and she should abuse them piu piu for talking bad coz their money was staying.


I climbed a mat until Thika and anotehr one until Mang'u, then walked another distance until factory, a distance that took an hour to walk, mind you, bodabodas had not arrived then, making me reach there past 5PM.


Although the job was of less than 20 munutes, as usual, with people who want to thief you by showing you that the work they are doing for you involves alot, I stayed on that job for more than two hours. Installing and reinstalling, doing dos commands, etc on their machines to appear like I was doing the most sophisticated job ever.


When I finished, instead of paying me cash, they gave me a cheque. Between me and poverty, I had only 400 bob remaining, which was enough though to reach me until Nairobi using matatus. I called PM and asked her if she has abused the people I asked her to. She saided all of them. I telled her to un-abuse because the money will only mature after 4 WORKING days, even if it was of the same bank. Then, even same banks didn't know that. 4 days had to finish.


By the time I left that place, darkness had started to enter. From where the factory was until where I was to catch a Mat, it was like 3-4 kilometers away.


I walked until a small shopping center where Matatu were taken. By then, darkness had already entered piu.


At the stage, I was the only person waiting for a matatu. Small, two suspicions characters who looked like they had just escaped from Kamiti came to me and asked me if I was waiting for a Matatu. I telled them nope, I was waiting for my uncle, just to lost them foots.


They went far far small and started talking to each other in ear. Head telled me that they were disusing how they will climb me and the only misunderstanding was who was to start climbing and after climbing, would cut me into pieces and who would throw me away.


I had been telled how that place was notorious with men climbing men. I had heard that if a car destroys near there at night and you are with a yellow yellow that can compete miss Kenya, they will look aside and almost vomit when they see her but on seeing a man, they do a hi five and tell you to down trouser.


After standing there for an hour, now approaching 8ish, I walked to a shop nearby and asked if matatus do pass at that time. The shopkeeper asked me where I was going. I saided Thika. He held chin, and after two minutes of feeling mercy for me, he telled me that after 7, it is easier for a trapper of Karumaindo to give you tiita for one week for free than a matatu to pass there at that time. He telled me that matatus were forced to abandon night travel by some characters that immigrated from Sodom and Gomorrah. He telled me the only town I can get rooms to sleep or matatus of luck is Kamurugu, a few kilometers away. Like Kayore until town.


There there, a story of 4 lepers as telled in the book of 2 Kings 7:4 came to my head. The lepers saided amongst themselves that if they stayed where they had been thrown to die because of catching leprosy, they will still die. If they return to their city that had been invaded by famine, they will still die. If they go to Syrians, the current ISIS, who were their sworn enemies and surrender, they will either be spared or be killed. They found that the only better option was ISIS. As lepers went, God made their kufiaring kufiaring sound like the whole Israel army was invading. The ISIS losted from their camp, leaving food for the lepers.


That is what I saided. If I say, my thutha is at risk from the two Kamiti escapees. If I walk small small, my thutha is at risk, but I can reach Kamurugu up up and book room with the 400 bob I had with me and leave tomorrow to cry for itself.


I walked for unmeasurable distance where I found that shopping center called Kamurugu. It was active small and didn't look more of Sodom like the other shopping centre.


At the stage, there were 3 men, also waiting for a Matatu. They didn't look like they had just comed from Kamiti, but they didn't look like they had come from Muirus either.


After standing there for 10 minutes, one guy came and asked me if I was waiting for a mat. I saided yes. He telled me that we take a taxi equal equal until Thika. He telled me we remove each 500 bob coz taxi was 2500. If I could do a miracle, it was to turn one of my bells to be a hundred bob so that I can add to the 400 bob I had. I "rejected" the offer.


After a moment, from far, a light of car showed. Small, it neared. When it passed small, I heard one man shout "Ni Njuguna, njuguna rugama njugunaaaa rugamaaaa!!!"


The car came to an instant halt.


The three men run towards the car. When I saw that, I run after them and overtook them. When back seat was opened, I was the first to enter the car. At the back seat, there were 2 other men.


As we entered, One guy saided "Njuguna, ona Pastor ndugatige" We satted on each other and fitted inside, 5 men at the back and two at the passager front seat.


I refused to know why he called me pastor, then remembered I had a small bag that their head telled them its a bible. I was happy for my bag.


As soon as Njuguna beated car fire, they started talking. Stories here and there. But there is one that made me shake bells like satan when one of the guy saided


"I niwona uria Mugweru angiatuanurithia? athire kumira ta kirimu. Kirima kia ngai piu" (You know Mugweru could have made us be beaten. He went to remove himself like a fool, a gods fool"


Njuguna the driver returned "Mugweru ndakuaguo mawira manene. Ucio ni usooo, kuguithia wira kuguithia to e guoya muno. . Eriga gutiga mashini kiharo rimue. Ta imagini" (Mugweru is not carried for big works, he is usoo. to make work fall to fall. He once left the "machine" at the field imagine"


Head there there telled me that they were talking about robbery incidents and life life, I knew I was given lift by robbers who have just removed from a scene.


There there, I started to compile my last prayer in heart incase the Flying squad were on their trail to make that car and all the occupants a sieve, then they say 8 robbers returned fire and fire was returned, thereby exchanging fire. I started to say in heart


"Father in heaven, forgive me all my sins, I repent all of them. I accept jesus as my lord and savior. Please accept my acceptance to join you from satans. Write my name in the book of life..."


Before I finish becoming saved, the car pulled at a bar in Thika town.. those wazee wazee bars. They telled me that since I cant get a mat to Nairobi at that time, we enter and eat njaro small until 3AM when matatus of shamba start going. We all entered.


They each asked for dogogio. When the waiter reached me and asked what I was drinking, I shouted in loud voice "Nipee white cup balidi"


When they heard that, they all kept quet, looked at me, then one of them saided "Haiiiyaaa ati pastor auga akunde mugima? pastor enderio piu" (waaa, even pastor has saided he drink one, sell to pastor piu piu" Everyone in the bar, including patrons we met there who did not know my pastory laughed, clapped and cheered as they welcomed me to satans.


Within two hours, I had dranked 5 white cups. Everyone was now drunk. one guy saided "Pastor tuhunjirie, tuhunjirie tume mukuru wa mehia" (Pastor preach to us, preach to us, we remove from the valley of sins)


I stooded up on the table and saided in loud voice


"Andu oothe me guku, murimo uria, na mukuru uria, thikiriiai ndumiriri ino. Ibuku ria ngai, Maundu ma Arawii, mirongo iri na ithatu, kamuhari kambere karauga atiri, na akoruo wina bibiria yaku, naba ya maguruine ni magana mana ma itano na ithatu, na tuthome.


Mundu wothe mumendereku nyeeee" na ni bibilia, ndihititie, "kana mucuthe wake nimucehe, ndakona uthamaki wa iguru ona hanini. On ahanini. Hareruya? Mundu mumendereku ndakona uthamaki wako?" They all returned wa iguru (the book of Deuteronomy 23:1 says, anyone who has crached bells, or his josto cut off will not see heaven with eyes). I asked them to answer me, that whose bells are crushed, will not see kingdom of where? they returned of heaven.


Na tuaikuruka hanini kamuhari ka mirongo itano na ithano kamuhari ga ikumi na imwe ni iraregana na maundu ma kuhutahutagio nyee ni mundu wanja. Irauga atiri, mundu wa nja angikuhutia nyee, urenge guoko kuu. (If you go down down small, Deut. 25:11, it has refused people of out from catching catching your bells. If she does, she is supposed to be cutted that hand that has catched your bells"


I preached and preached, quoting real verses they have never heard in churches. With every quote, dogogio was coming and promise of them coming to my church as lifetime members.


When morning reached, they dropped me until stage and paid for my fare.


Nu ugakoruo msafara ine? Dogogio ningagura woka na pipo igiri.



I am


Pastor Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno, River Road Inc.

Theuri Gets Caughted Life Life By PM Climbing Mboch.

There are ordinary men who have seen news and there is Theuri. If you are telled that you are inserted in Theuris shoe for a day, you would refuse to know completely.

I once telled you that even housegirls have holes. What I telld you was that there is nothing evil, or "low standard' bulls in climbing "unties". They also have holes and they are persons like any other although they cant keep their mouth shut once they onjesha you. But same way you can find it unethical to climb your PMs best friends, same should happen to your housegirl because of the repercussions if it bursts. Sometimes, cant be mended again.

On a day like today, last week, I was sitting with Theuri, MPESA and Akuku at Magomano eating meat of dipping. After finishing, Theuri inserted hands in pocket and only felt bells and no one was removing himself to buy dogogio. Theuri, when it comes to such a situation knows how to remove dogogio from you and even strangers seated next table without force.

All of a sudden, he held chin with both hands and started shaking head. I asked him what has cutted.

He looked at us and saided

"Nie uria nyonete huai, ngaria ukuru. Murauga Guarana ni kali. Ti kali ona hanini. Mama aranyitire life life shuma i thiine wa kairetu ka wira. Aramionire ikuo thiini mani" (Me what I saw last night, I will only talk about it when I grow old. They are saying Guarana is bad news. Its not bad even small, my PM catched me on top of our housegirl life life,. she witnessed tree inside with her own eyes)
When it comes to listening to good miseries like those, we all pulled chairs inside insde. Akuku called Mwai and telled him to sell us 3, 3 each.

After dogogio was asked, he removed hands from chin and continued

"Ta imajini PM waku akunyitite life life shuma i thiine. Ti kuiruo, na tigukora ugishokia mubuto, amikora i thiine hehu hehu. No ngaria ukuruine." (Imagine your PM catching you live, not when returning josto, and not ebing told, seeing it inside and dripping wet wet. I will talk when I grow old pris)

We asked him to tell us. He insisted he will say when he will grow old.

So that story can remove, MPESA called Mwai again and telled him to bring 4 4 and make sure that our table does not dry even small. Some people who were next table but throwing ear -dropping on our table called Mwai and telled him we be served two two each. Small, our table looked like we were at Club Samba or Harry's Tavern where lake siders frequent and not Magomano where one asks for refill after ensuring that there is zero content on the last bottle.

Now assured that he will walk home with knees, he cleared throught and saided.

"Nie tu Guarana tuu murauga turamatega kumatega, nie rekei ndimuire, tuu ndituonaga ngaumira ta rithathi" (Me, those tu Smirnoff ICE double black with Guarana that you are telling me it is sweeping sweeping them off their feet, I will be seeing it and removing like bullet)

To make the story short, Theuris PM does not like to hear smell of dogogio because she was removed from Satan long time ago.

On January this year, they wrote a new auntie job of house. This aunte when she came did not look anything, she did not have front or back. She did not know how dress like a city girl, she did not know how to apply lipstick and never shaved eyeris. She looked plain and pass.

The first quarter of this year, she had started to take shape. Her thuthas started to protrude as if she had borrowed a few secrets from Vera Sidika. For front, it had been there but before, she was letting them fall fall for not wearing bra, she was wearing vest. Her face started to smoothen and whiten. In short, she had taken all the necesary lessons from Vera

Second quarter, she had learnt how to dress like a true persons of Nairobi of up. Putting on tights, and very very tight removing her thutha even very well and showing camel toe even if you have closed eyes. She then learnt how to put bras that remove brookies out out unlike before when she was putting on vests putted by school girls.
Within a short time, Theuri started to eat his PM with her image. He had had not gotten a chance to eat personally because in his house, strictness is the other name of Theuris PM. An auntie is instructed to to keep 100 mts distance. Then, Theuri cant return home during the day. If he does, neibors call his PM and say they have seen his car. He had once been catched climbing auntie, thus the strictness.

Theuri spent this third quarter of the year drawing how to climb her.
The opportunities would present small, like Sunday when she was given off, but dogogio has not teacher. Instead of going out to climb her in room, he spendes time nursing hangovers.

Englishman once saided that if you want something soo bad, you will have it. Last week, he started talkign to her, sometimes even on phone and whatsapps. He asked the ka auntie when she was splitted. She telled him that since she was born, she has never been touched by even kipii, only one kApii that she was reading together at Thubiri secondary in Ngarua. She telled him that hers was soo intact because that boy only climbed one time and did not even finish splitting.

Hearing that and imagining that he will not use makobosto, he started to draw.

That day, on Friday, he had goned home early. His intention was not to climb her, it is the way one feels to go home early. When he was watching news of 7PM, the ka auntie passed and he saw those thuthats and brookies. His tree stretched and head telled him to draw how to climb that thing today today.

In his head, he telled himself that the only way to climb her was to make his PM sleep fofofo and in a way that she will not feel herself until tomorrow of that day.

He called a trapper he knows that puts medicine on people in bars. He wanted to buy medicine and put on his PM to sleep until tommorow. But as usual, trappers change numbers weekly, so he didnt get her on phone.
He then called me

"Mutongoria, ka Guarana uraugire marokia gukia?" (Leader, you saided Guarana is making them to ukia ukia)

I telled him like satan.

He asked me how many can make a persons refuse to know herself.

I telled him that I dont know about refusing to know oneself, all I know is that it triggers bean to start knocking knocking asking for a josto asap before they finish 6 pack.

In his head, he knew his PM cant drink dogogio even if what and the other option of putting her medicine that trappers use to spice dogogios of their victims was out of his reach.

His head telled him to give her PM Guarana secretly disguised as Redbull.

He went until Nakumatt and boughted 3 six packs of Guaranas and a Mzinga of Jameseon to drink in house. He then boughted a live jogoo to be slaughted inhouse to make his PM see that he is changing, now drinkign at home and even buying live Jogoo instead of those of GMOs.

After supper, he went to car and removed his Jameson, two packs of guaranas and two Redbulls.
He gave his PM one redbull and poured in glass. When she went to latrine, he dranked all Redbull in that glass and replaced it with Guarana.

He gave another two Guaranas to the house auntie to drink in bedroom.
When PM finished first glass, he poured another full on her glass and one tot of Jameson hidden inside. In her head, she was thinking she was drinking Redbull.

Her head started going round round and getting excited excited. Now her head getting confused, he gave her one Guarana life life and telled her its not dogogio, its another make of Redbull.

Small, she had dranked 6 or 7 Guaranas. Her bean started tickling tickling. she closed eye on Theuri. He refused to know why she was only closing one and not closing all of them and fall asleep. She telled Theuri they go sleep. theuri saided he wanted to finish his Jameson.

She went to bedroom and changed to night dress and returned to sitting room to see if Theuri will ukia but where. Theuri was still sipping sipping his Jameson slowly so that she gets bored and go to bed.

True to theuris prediction, she got bored coz Theuri was not reponding positively. She went to sleep.

Theuri followed her and touched her bean small and telled her to sleep small, he go down and finish his Mzinga, her tiita is not going anywhere. He had disturbed bees.
Theuri gave her another 20 Min. He returned up to see if she had sleeped. Since she did not respond when he called her (but was due to anger that he had refused to go to bed and give her bean some beatings), he assumed she had slept and will only feel herself tomorrow of that day.

Theuri returned to sitting in speed, added volume so that if PM wakes up small she would assume he is enjoying his Jameson and music.

After very small time, he tiptoed until Aunties bedroom.

Auntie had also taken 6 plus. Her bean was tickling until he could hear when he was at the sitting room.

Theuri removed all clothes comfortably as if he was at Karangi Bar and Restaurant's rooms. He then helped auntie remove the last piece of clothe she had in teh name of thuruari of strings. Then sucking sucking tu very very tight brokies and navel. But he is not like me, he cant suck tiita coz if it was me, I would have downed small until tiita. Her bean was ready, she did not want the upus of foreplay and was pulling theuri to come up.

Like he tells us, when climbing and you dont want to pour in ten seconds like yours truly, he inserted head, removed head, inserted and removed, counting 9 times, then pushing all josto and repeating the process.

He tells us that it is also very important to count. Insert head and remove, 9 times, on the tenth, insert all then remove. Repeat the process until that time you want to pour. He says the utam of persons, or where they feel all utams is in the surface not inside like what we see in porn. Persons can tell us about that.

In his head, he was thinking that he will get opposition of entering by tightness but where. Her pot was not as promised. She had telled him that she had only been climbed by a small boy but it looked like the hole was bombed by ISIS, Alshabaabs and Al Qaita forces combined to create entry and not an innocent form 4 pupil. Least, he thoughted, maybe the boy who splitted her used the whole of his hand instead of josto.

Inserting and returning and his Jameson raved head encouraging her say louder mbus as if they were in a privacy of a 9th floor rooms, he would encourage her to say mbus more so that he can also feel like a man. you know making someone who has super pot say mbus is not an easy feat. If you make such say mbus of true, you are a real bull.

As he was inserting only head and removing and counting to get maximum returns for making his PM drink Guarana and her volume of guarana in her stomach, he heard something hit him on his kneck and back like a trained karateka kick you would receive from Kivuti. He was then hit on head with an shoe by a wailing persons who sounded like his PM who was supposed to have refused to know herself sleeping in their beedroom. It was his PM. She was wailing and shouting as he thoroughtly battered both Theuri and the auntie.

He saw death with eyes.

He removed from inside the tiita and faced his PM with a tree facing almost up due to ukiaring.

Wewe!! let him refuse to know what to do. Josto was dripping dripping.. he had been caught and no removing from it.
He wiped eyes to see well, then looked at his PM. he then telled her while shaking like satan..

"Yani Wa Brayani, urauga tiwe uyu? maheni. maheni maheni maheni... nindaregaaaaa!! jehovaa... urauga tiwe uyu? uuuui jeso jeso ma ndukauge tiwe nguhaicaga... apanaaa cant be" (Wa Brian, are you sating you are not this girl here? its a lie, its a lie its a lie. Are you saying you are not this? jesooo dont say it was not you I was climbing)

He then turned on the auntie and joined his PM in beating her.
As he returned clothes, he telled PM

"Uyu rucio ndikamuone guku. Mubute wira, rucio aroke guthie" (This one, tommorow of this day, I dont want to see her here. Rub her work, let her leave in the morning)

He then looked at his PM and looked at the auntie...

"yani ndukanjire tiwe uyu uma gitanda giki? apanaaaa.. nevaaaa .... jehova jehova, niatia guthire? We utogtitiganiriire nawe gitanda? Nu undehire haha? " (Please dont tell me it was not you that was in this bed... what happened? The last time I left me and you in bed, how did I come here? )

When PM stopped wailing small, he telled her soothingly...
"Na ninguriraguo kai murigo ucio waku wneneha atia umuthi, murigo ngurigaguo wawika atia ma, kunenehaaa" (And I was refusing to klnow how your tiita has increased in size how, veeery buggy I tell you"

I cant remember how the story ended after this because all by ribs had dried to hear anything else.
But I guess the PM must have falled under the table for hearing that last statement that her would be competitor has ocean in place of tiita.


I am
Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyno & Chief Student of IHORENTIPTIAJOTLOP (Inserting Head Only & Removing Nine Times Process Then Inserting All Josto To Last Longer )

Why I Dont Touch Persons of Owners

I once telled you that my first ever job was when I was written as a cooker. Later, I was promoted to a waiter position at a bar and restaurant and lodgings in Dadora Phase 5 that was owned by one Kamahuha the late. That was right after I finished high school as I waited for exams to remove. Like I telled you before, I was removed from the village after I started associating myself with boys that were drinking bangi and climbing peoples of owners in the village.

I have telled you a few stories about my waitering days, but there is one I have never telled anyone because of the fear it evokes and the love of wanting to forget that incidence. Its not something you want to remember often.

Among the regular patrons in that bar, restaurant and lodging place was one guy, quite old, like thatefae ivi, that used to come with a persons who was my age mate. Yellow Yellow. She had cleared school same year as me but was born tao, so she knew dogogio and men unlike shags persons who know it once they become pupils of MKU. It used to pain me though, seeing young persons getting climbed by old men, something I used to refuse to know why.

I liked serving them coz I used to thief them when they got drunk. In their head, they were thinking because I was small and new, I couldn't thief bill like what experienced waiters did.

At times, he would come, drink two at the bar, then go to room to climb and then order room service after that. One time when I was offering them room service, I found the persons had just removed from bathroom, as she was born. long bean!. Let me tell you, I have never ukiad like that. Tree stretched until knee and did not sleep for the lest of the night.

The image of the long bean also did not leave my head until she came to the bar again with that old man. My head went bonkers again when I imagined that long bean and tree tapping tapping it. But I knew it would not be easy to climb. When you were scratching bells, only can be given out of being felt mercy.

When the 'oldie' went to latrine, I went and telled her that I wish to one day only insert only head and I will be contended for life.

She smiled and telled me that she has also been thinking of giving me because she also likes me and more, she likes the size of my zig because she had seen it from 18 when I had ukiad. She telled me to make a date and she will put legs at 180.

We continued to joke small small for days and in head, I believed one day, zig will sleep inside.

One day, they were drinking. she telled her that old man that she had been drunk piu piu and wanted to go sleep. She was okeyed to go, to be joined later as the guy was left finishing his drink.

AS she was taking the small stairs, she met me standing there with tray and opener. I looked at her and the long bean image reappeared in my head.

I looked at the table of the guy and had one unoppened White Cup. Satan whispered to me that an average man takes 30 minutes minimum when drunk to finish a full bottle.

I neared the persons and telled her in ear "Umuthi no nginya uhe" (Today you just give me)

In drunkedness, she telled me to go to her room I climb one quick one. A room that her guy had paid. And the guy, being friend of Kamahuha and Mwenje, also used to own a gun.

But when tree has stretched, head stops thinking.

I gave my tray to a fellow waiter and telled him my plan. I telled him that I am going to employ him to guard that man so that incase he sees him waking up, either to go to latrine or to room, he rush up faster to notify me. I telled him I will pay him 50 bob. Back then there were no mobile phones ati he could flash.No.

He telled me that I was risking to have a pullet planted on my head but nevertheless, he will guard him.

I went upstairs until her room. She had already removed all clothes. Because of fear, I only downed trouser small, then twaff twaff, as usual, 10 seconds of fame. Makobosto is not mentioned and its not unintentional. No makobosto were present.

I made that a habit until I stopped employing fellow waiters to guard him. I only ensured he had 2 beers on the table.

One day, he had 4 beers. Head telled me that I will climb two jotis, one of ten seconds and the other one of one hour. Back then, I could manage more than one joti.

Just as I was teasing teasing long bean with zig zag so that she ukias well, I heard the door knob twisted. Then knock and then a loud voice of "Njeri, hingura"

WeWE!, the tree that had ukiad returned to stomach there there. I didnt know what to do and she didnt know what to do. Death was imminent.

I took my clothes and entered under the bed to wait twaff twaff of true under the bed. I then saided  prayer because I was sure I would be shot. I repented all my sins, reminding God that I have felled short of glory and that I have now accepted the lord as my personal savior.

The guy entered and as he was removing clothes, a gun fell until almost under the bed where I was hiding. I saw a hand browse through, almost touching my naked body. I prayed again and telled God to save me one last time and if he does, I will never sin again. He browsed through lazily until he picked the gun.

Small, the persons was being made to say mbus as she received tree of that man. As she was being to say mbus, in my heart, I was saying mbus of being whipped.

My heart that time was beating louder than loudest boom boom music. Occasionally, he would pause and ask why they are putting loud music in the bar. But it was my heart beats.

Although it is easy to enjoy to hear people climbanaring, this one, and I think it lasted 10 minutes in real life, in my head, it lasted eternity. I refused to know how a full grown ass man can last hours as if he has nothing else to think about. in this hard Nairobi life.

Another sad thing, I had Flu and cough. Small, I could hear like to cough. I would suppress it with all my remaining energy until one time it wanted to remove itself by force. I negotiated with it and negotiated until it agreed after telling it if it coughs, it will never cough again ever.

Another sad thong, due to more fear of being shot, I diarrhead and urinated small until he asked why the latrine was not flashed.

After waiting for eternity to be shot, I heard snores snores coming from up. The guy was now deep sleep. The persons did a test "wake up wake up honey". When she was sure he cant wake up, she rose up and opened the door. I crawled out of the under until out.

When I was out, I found almost every waiter, cookers and all workers and the manager at the corridor. Seeing I was alive, although wet with urine and diarrhea, the manager telled me to hand over my float and any other thing of that company and telled me I had been rubbed ther there.

From then, the only persons of owner I can climb is of Theuri. Any other, let me not be able.

But I learnt a lesson: All rich men climb one joti and falls asleep. Many jotis of for scratchers and those who have nothing important to think about.

PS: Dear Njeri, if you want a reunio/rematch to complete what we started, even if you have many babies like how, as long as the long bean is still instact, my number is on my profile. Call me.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi

Snr. Gyno & COOJ (Climber Of One Joti)
(Because I dont Get Paid To Climb Many).

The Tales of Long Beans

I have telled you before that after I cleared high school,so that I can be sent to Nairobi, I temporarily 'joined' a company of the villagers that drinks bangi and climbs all thuruari on head persons in the village with impunity, thus earning a very bad name for themselves among the villagers. So that I am not destroyed like them, Moshe Dayan quickly sent me to Nairobi to live with my sisters as I waited for exams to remove.

When I came to Nairobi, I went to live with my sister in Dandora. In the same plot, there was a persons, quarter Taita Taveta, quarter, lake sider, quarter Cambodian and the other quarter Ukuyu because she could understand and speak Ukuyu. She was living with relatives as well and had cleared Std 8 but could not proceed further because either financial or she had falled flat in her KCPE.

What I cant remember very well though, is if she had good figure or not. We never gave figure any value then, what mattered was if one had a cute face and was yellow yellow; the rest were secondary. Where I come from anyway, we never used to mind if a persons had thutha big enough to make her heels
not rained or had an hourly glass figure, or if she was tall, or if she could speak good English. We had few, if any at all to have a choice anyway.

One day, I requested her to allow me to make her bean tired. After haggling for days, she agreed.

After my sister left for work and her relatives were away, she sneaked into the house.

In that house,it was permanently dark even when sun was at mid day. When time for climbing reached, she requested me to switch off the light. I did not take it as a big deal because same in my village, they used to first inserted inside blanket to remove clothes so that you dont see her nakedness. I hear the seeing her nakedness was only reserved to those to marry them or something like that. We never used to mind anyway because our chief aim was to pour and that was that. The same way you see a cock chases a hen or where a he-goat jumps on a goat, it inserts, removes and the business gets closed, there was no difference.

Unlike today where I must see what I am eating, I quickly agreed and switched off the light. When she was removing, I remembered that I cant roll on makobosto in the dark. So, I reached the switch and putted on. She was standing there, now in the process of removing "Omo with Powerform" t-shirt. Lifting eyes small, my eyes quickly rolled until her titta. After all, thats where the eyes first land on a naked persons.

What I saw shocked the hell out of me. I shouldnt have switched on the lights soo soon. A long karunguthu hanging like a small josto. Exactly like ajosto of a baby. I inserted cold until my josto returned to stomach. Since I was born that was my first time to see a protruding bean! Where I come from, as you all know, our persons are not gifted with long beans. No single persons has, even today, unless those that have drunked medicine to lengthen it or those that are originally, by blood not from the lineage of Gikuyu and Mumbi.

In head, I thoughted that she was a hermaphrodite that we read about in school. Let cold insert me. Little did I know later,rather came to appreciate later that ‪#‎longbean‬ is every woman's dream, every woman's jewel.

She saw my worry that was registered all over my face. She jumped in bed and inserted inside blankets and covered herself.

I went straight to my head and telled it to tell josto to ukia again because I was about to embarrass myself. I telled head to tell josto that it was not the first to climb a hermaphrodite.

After rolling makobosto on a flaccid josto, I switched off the lights and joined her in bed. I touched touched brookies small to convince myself that she wasnt a hermaphrodite and when tree stood small, I jumped and convinced myself that I was climbing a normal persons. I would try to force an airless josto but where. I attempted and attempted to force it up until she was tired. Believe it or not, I did not ukia nor pour.

An year later, when I joined college to do Ms office, the village in me started to dissapear when I heard people talk about how good persons must have a long runguthu. To drive the point home or force it down my throat, Theuri, my friend and my neibor in the village and another guy called Murira Ikihia na Ciahia Agakira (Crier of when cooking and when cooked stops crying) took me to Luthuli's New Aden. From first floor, trappers were sitting on corridors without thuauri. He would tell them that he wants the one with the longest runguthu. They would pull it for him to see, then Theuri would say not big enough until we reached fouth floor. Fourth floor had the youngest and the prettiest. I climbed one with a big runguthu and the way tree was coiled by runguthu until I appreciated the beauty of hanging ruthungu.

After that first escapade of longbean, I remembered what I saw in that persons of Dandora. I looked for her until I found out that she was now working at a bar in Lungalunga slum.

I traced her until there. Within a short time, her long bean was coiling on my josto almost every other weekend. I would then go and recount my escapade to my friends in college and they would ukia like satan and beg me to introduce them they feel like me even if small.

Everytime my tree would stretch small, I'd go to Lungalunga, rent a room that was going for 150 shillings and climb until morning. In that room of iron sheets, they used to keep one basin in the room and outside, they used to put a tank of water. So, on your way to bathroom, 50 meters away, you would draw water from the tank and go queue to enter bathroom. At times, if it was day time, I would go to her house (she had given me a key to her house). But in head, I was suspecting that that she was being climbed by atleast one other man.

One day, at around 6PM, my tree stetched untill knee. I went to OTC and took a bus (all those mats were dilapidated and it was a rule by the owners of that route to only bring 1960s mats) until lungalunga. Since we didnt have phones then, sometimes it was chancing because you wouldnt know if rain was there or not.

I met her serving her customers at a bar she was written.

After buying me a soda, I asked "

"Kianda nikuega?" (Is down good?)

She telled me "ini, nduthie u book rumu, umuthi niukunogia njagi proper" (Yes, down is good. Go book a room, you will make the bean tired proper)

I paid 150 shillings and went to the room to wait for her to come after she close the bar, normally at around 10 PM since I did not have money to buy dogogio.

I kept myself on the dirty bed, tree stretching until near ceiling, waiting for 10PM to arrive I feel bean stretching on my zigzag.

Small, sleep catched. I woke up at 11PM. From far, I could hear noise coming from the bar, indicating that she had not closed yet. I returned to doze. I woke up again at 12.30, though the noise was dimmer, there were still people in the bar, meaning the bar wasnt closed.

I catched sleep again and when I woke up, it was 3AM. There was no noise even small. I refused to know if she had carried me babish for the first time.

I tiptoed out until bar and saw it was closed. I tiptoed until her house. Using the key she had given me since long time, I opened and peeped inside. I saw a man, closely resembling Theuri in deep sleep and snorting loudly. Head telled me that Theuri had jumped me.

Besides him was my pesons. When she heard someone open, she lifted her head up small. She had not slept because she knew my devils and what I was capable of doing like my fellow students who could throw stones at police and innocent motorists for a stupid reason like losting of electricity.

Feeling gikindi choking me, I returned to room, almost crying and not knowing myself at all.

I kept myself in bed and tried to catch sleep but where. Head telled me to cry but tears could not come out. I refused to know what sort of a man can do that to me, be it Theuri or anyone else for that matter.

As I tossed myself in bed, I saw the basin of washing. Head telled me to pour cold water on them.

I went and drew water with the bucket, then opened the room of that persons slowly, until all door was fully opened. I then splashed all water in the basin on them, locked the house from out and in full speed fled to my room.

Before I fled, I heard the man shout "ngaingai ngai nuu ucio?" who is that? In that deep voice, it did not sound like Theuri.

Later, I was told by a neibor next door that when he finished to say ngaingai ngai, that persons was slapped 4 powerful kimanyoko slaps until she fainted. When she woke up, she was asked who that man was and why she would even dream of cheating on him with other men and besides, in a house that he pays.

When she hesitated to talk, she was kicked and kicked, almost being killed until she saided that "uuui...Mwaninikiii.... ndukanjurage, egagwo Cohi ni student was Universal college na e room 9" (He is called Wanjohi, he is in room no. 9 and is a student of Universal college)

I had locked myself in side the room and could hear the commotion from far. In head, I knew that I was fucked up. The man removed out and kicked the door of the next room to his and entered with the door. He kicked all doors, vowing to kill whoever that Cohi was. When he reached my door 9, I was already urinating on myself.

He told me to open and that he was going to kill me. He asked me if I knew him and saided no. He telled me that he was a robbery with violence and has killed so many and I will be another statistic. Small, I heard twaff twaff twaff, 3 shots in the air. Kumbe the guy was a real robbery with violence and he was the one who had kept that persons.

After the shots, I diarrhead on myself. I then started to plead with him to spare me.

"Aki kiongozi, hata mimi nafikirianga huyo ni bibi yangu. hata mimi naripaga hio nyumba, aki usiniue"

By my good luck, when he fired in the air, he attracted the attention of some APs that had a camp near. The APs, out of fear, I guess also fired several shots in the air. Instead of waiting for me to open so that he can finish me, he fled the scene.

I did not waste another minute there. I removed from there and walked until my cousin's in Kariobangi. I did not tell him what had happened and why I had diarhoead on myself until 5 years later.

From then, I saided, never to go to a persons house unless I am the one that pays and two, if a persons carries me babish, I agree with her entirely that I am a baby like she is carrying me. It saves alot.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & APOLOBE (Appreciator Of Long Beans)