How I Ended Up With Leah Like Jacob

Long time ago, when the Earth was still young, there was a dude called Jacob, the bro to Esau. You need to have read bible to know about this story but in short,  he was once  swinging around Israel when he saw a sunlike persons. She was named Rachel. His tree stretched until knee.  He went until Rachels parents and negotiated a very horrible contract where he was to work for 7 years without pay in order to get a chance to dangle on Rachels. The father agreed. Rachel had a sister, quite Orangutan until no man in that whole village would want to dangle on hers.

After Jacob serving Laban for 7 matafaking years, he was called aside by Laban and telled that he can now ake the bride.

Excited that he was going to dangle, he invited all his friends to come party. I am not sure if this happened but I guess fed on dogogio until he refused to now himself.  He was then led to room by Laban. He touched and felt persons in the bed making his tree stretched until knee. He touched brookie of the ‘Rachel’ climbed her until morning emptying his bells piu piu.

When morning came, he turned over only to see he had climbed Leah instead of Rachel. He refused to know.

This is exactly what happened to me a while back, thanks to Theuri the Laban.

On this day, I called another Cambodian sun who had been promising to put thuruari on head for me as long as dogogio will come to come. I telled her to come with a friend who was ready her bean made tired without making life hard for the borrower.

And as usual, as you may have observed, majority of sunlike persons walks with persons who have beaten piu piu. It is imposible to find one sun with another sun. That’s 8th wonder of the world.

This particular one looked like she had employed a well eaten bouncer to be beating her one jab on the face every morning. She had two or three front teeth missing and the remaining were brown piu piu.  Her eyes too were exactly like that of Leah the daughter of Laban and had her eyebrows drawn to extend until ears, she drinks Tusker and talks in a heavy Kitui accent.  In short, she was reincarnation of Leah. But she had body of model and thutha of Sidika. But as you know, thutha and figures are kachumbari. Cute face is the meat. You cant go to a butchery and say you have come to eat Kachumbari 1kg.

When they entered, Theuri telled me in ear “uria wi muoyo njira ino tinie ndareheruo? (that one who is alive tell me this one its not what she has brought me)

I telled him to relax we buy her dogogio then she go.

Small, Theuri telled me in ear

“Munene reke nguire, niwona mahiki maya machapu. Me murigo utahana. Nie ndiui uria guthiaga na reke nguire, me murigo mutight mutight! ta ngoma (Leader, let me tell you. These persons that have beaten, let me tell you, they have a tiita that you refuse to know. I don’t know how it goes, but their tiita you cant find it anywhere. Very tight like satan”

I started getting happy because head telled me Theuri has accepted to climb her.

He beated and beated drums for persons who have beated until I was almost starting to hate sunlike persons.

We continued to drink, beating stories here and there. Small, I saw my persons start to take some interest on Theuri because of the phone calls he was making.

I started to listen to the calls and followed the conversation.

“Wakahare, wimmuega huaine? mbathii niupakire? Niwaihuria maguta? Niwarora kana spare ina miruki to hau niho muriganagiruo muno? (wakahare, have you parked the bus? Have you filled it with oil? Have you checked  whether the spare leg has air because that is where you forget more?)

He cutted that one and made another call. From far, I could see he was dailing Akuku's No. He then putted phone on speakerphone mode then started talking while papasaring his stomach with one hand like rich.

Theuri: Haroo.

Akuku: Muneneeeeee! (Biggie!!)  (sounding drunk and in a bar)

Theuri: Nyukwaa. Ni kunyua uranyua mbeca  iria mwatinda mukinjia ? (Mother! Is it drinking you are drinking money you have stayed stealing from me?)

Akuku: (Now realizing Theuri is inserting someone box says) Pole munene, ino nikuguriruo ndaguriruo  (this one I was bought)

Theuri: Mbathi niupakire ?(Did you park the bus?)

Akuku: Umuthi tuthukumite muno munene, no forithi na kanjoo irathumbura muno(we have made a lot of money today but police and kanju are disturbing much)

Theuri:  Nindamuheire budget ya kanju na forithi. Ta njira atiri, to maguta nimaguire I, nikii mbathi icio ciakwa iraihura ona thogora uria wa tene(I gave you budget of kanjo and police. Now, tell me, because oil has falled, why is it that they are still being filled with the same money as before)

Akuku: Aca munene, riu turasave ngiri inya o muthenya (No leader, we are saving 4k daily)

Theuri cutted phone. He made 3 other such calls to people who can make deal and asked about his buses.

He then cutted and saided in loud voice

“niwamenya mbathi nicio ithumburaga. Koruo marori nimathumburaga ingiahura thimu kinya kiroko. (You know buses gives me headache unlike my trucks. If they were, I could make calls until tomorrow)

There there, I saw my persons was only wanting to hear Theuri. But in my head, I didn’t imagin that she could be stolen on day one. Head was telling me that maybe tomorrow of that day, she will be invited when I am not there and come nayu nayu.

He then picked phone again

 “Wewe!, urihama? Ulipaka nyumba yangu rangi ama nijipakie tukate kwa deposit? Deposit utarudishio kama utapaka rangi. Ee? sawa kama umepaka. But razima nikuje nikague kama umeharibu, nitakuja next week. Wacha kusema tafadhari. Kata simu na sipendagi tenant kunipigia simu usiku” (He even forgoted that he was the one who had made the call)

He made several until I stopped following.

Dogogio came to came until I refused to know myself piu piu until I dozzed off as usual.. They continued to drink.

Small, I was woken up to go to room. I was not knowing myself even small.

I held my persons hand and left for room.

To cut to the chase

Inside the room.

It is me, pointing zig.

The moment tree touched lips, she started

Woiyyeyeye mamee woiyee eee mameeeee

I refused to know she is saying mbus yet it is only head that had entered.

When it was all in, still saying those mbus of upus, she lifted one leg and rested her gatende on mukuruguthu of leader where ordinarily when we were monkeys, where tail used to remove from.

Twaff twaff ooh, her mbus became louder and louder.

As her mbus became louder and playing her hands all over me my body, armpits, nipples, inserting finders in my ears all at the same time I refused to know if there was an extra persons hidden under the bed (same style wagangas from Tanga hide people under the bed to talk as wangwana) one papasaring the body and the other one closing ears. Only a Cambodian with special juju powers can achieve that feat.

She contined saying mbus

“uui bambbbeee aaaaa sitawai kuwaayaaa ayi mbaby I love you.. ndeeper, ndeeper mbembii mbabeeeeee sitawai kuwayaa aki sita wai, ingisa kavisa! ing’isa kavisa yote yote”

I understand Kamba perfectly well, so I knew what she was saying.

She then stopped saying mbus and swinging and asked me

“utawai niaya?”

I refused to know.

Among the things I fear in life, it is hot uji, Mukanju and Kitui Cambodian. I have serious fears for those. I have been made to believe that they can plant kamuti on you until you will transfer all your wealth to them and leave yourself with nothing.

She asked again in louder voice “mbambi utawai niayaa?”

Here, head was telling me that I was about to unknowingly swear unbreakable allegiance  to her so that I can transfer my trucks and stairs to her, or worse,  satan had been looking for an opportunity to inscribe 999 on my forehead and here, he had found a perfect opportunity.

When I refused to answer, the matapaka removed the leg that had been stationed at where tail used to be and straightened the other one as if to tell you, wake me up when you are done.

I gave in. In small voice, I saded “apana, sitawai” But in heart, I knew I will not pick her calls again.

“akia Wanjoi  nikuni en yoe? sema akianani" She asked.

Akia nani” I replied.

 There there, she returned leg on my tail and the other one bended in a way to make her swinging faster and perfect. In my head, I concluded that when Satan will come to insert 999 on people’s  forehead, he will not secretly insert chips as many speculate. He will not use PINs or anything complicated for that matter and he will not do it secretly. He will time when you have just inserted josto on a Cambodian persons then stops you small to ask if you want 999 or josto be removed. In that way, he will not get one refuser.

Twaff twaff, small, I poured and collapsed on top of her.

She asked me “kwani ni alaka aye? Atsi, mimi siyatoza”

She pushed me away from her top, removed from bed, went to latrine, cutted a tissue, came, removed makobosto and putted me another one.

She then lay and telled me to come on top so that she can finish also.

Tree had not fully remove air so before it hohad,  I inserted again and started pumping again, though very very bored.

Small, she was like "nakuya! nakuya! nimekuyaaa!"

I removed josto and fell asleep immediately.

 Small, I was woken by women of sheets knocking the door. You know the way they knock as if they are trying to flush out an ISIS ouf of the room

“wewe ! Customer customer toa machuka! customer customer hauskii? Ebu turuchie cheets”

I felt myself and tried to open eyes. On my chest, there was a hand of persons rested there. I turned small and the first thing I noticed was mapengod persons. I refused to know how she lost some teeths overnight coz last night she had all. I refused to know how she has become black and she was yellow yellow last night. I  refused to know how  her other teeth changed to brown overnight.

She then saided “mbembi umeamka. Uko sawa, wewe ni ndume aki. Unayua kupanya kasi kabisa. Nayua unataka kayoti ya hasuvui?

Head refused to know, last night, she was speaking without accent, now she has gained accent.

I turned aside to try to comprehend when she saided

Mbambee, na yana ulini pulomis utanivea elvu tano na ulisema via ati utanivea vrat moya nilipishange. Siyai ona mwanaume wa nguvu kama wewe.

I sat down and hoped what i am seeing is not true.  “Leah” lay  besides me

I refused to know how it happened and suspected it is Theuri the Laban that insert me box.

I removed from room in speed and called Theuri.

“We itina riri niatia urekire mani? Kai kurathire atia? (you ass, What did you do man? How did it go?”

He returned “Urandeheire mori chapu uguo arafu iranyua tusker kai ndi muguruki? mimi ni mguruki? (You brought calf that has beated that even drinks tusker, am I mad?”

He then telled me that I am the one who saided I want that one until my persons was offended and decided to give theuri all holes because of anger.

I quit dogogio until the following day.

ION Kikuyu adults plays are back. Ikenia Arts​ starting  month.

 I am,

Dagitari Onjohi