The Tales of Long Beans

I have telled you before that after I cleared high school,so that I can be sent to Nairobi, I temporarily 'joined' a company of the villagers that drinks bangi and climbs all thuruari on head persons in the village with impunity, thus earning a very bad name for themselves among the villagers. So that I am not destroyed like them, Moshe Dayan quickly sent me to Nairobi to live with my sisters as I waited for exams to remove.

When I came to Nairobi, I went to live with my sister in Dandora. In the same plot, there was a persons, quarter Taita Taveta, quarter, lake sider, quarter Cambodian and the other quarter Ukuyu because she could understand and speak Ukuyu. She was living with relatives as well and had cleared Std 8 but could not proceed further because either financial or she had falled flat in her KCPE.

What I cant remember very well though, is if she had good figure or not. We never gave figure any value then, what mattered was if one had a cute face and was yellow yellow; the rest were secondary. Where I come from anyway, we never used to mind if a persons had thutha big enough to make her heels
not rained or had an hourly glass figure, or if she was tall, or if she could speak good English. We had few, if any at all to have a choice anyway.

One day, I requested her to allow me to make her bean tired. After haggling for days, she agreed.

After my sister left for work and her relatives were away, she sneaked into the house.

In that house,it was permanently dark even when sun was at mid day. When time for climbing reached, she requested me to switch off the light. I did not take it as a big deal because same in my village, they used to first inserted inside blanket to remove clothes so that you dont see her nakedness. I hear the seeing her nakedness was only reserved to those to marry them or something like that. We never used to mind anyway because our chief aim was to pour and that was that. The same way you see a cock chases a hen or where a he-goat jumps on a goat, it inserts, removes and the business gets closed, there was no difference.

Unlike today where I must see what I am eating, I quickly agreed and switched off the light. When she was removing, I remembered that I cant roll on makobosto in the dark. So, I reached the switch and putted on. She was standing there, now in the process of removing "Omo with Powerform" t-shirt. Lifting eyes small, my eyes quickly rolled until her titta. After all, thats where the eyes first land on a naked persons.

What I saw shocked the hell out of me. I shouldnt have switched on the lights soo soon. A long karunguthu hanging like a small josto. Exactly like ajosto of a baby. I inserted cold until my josto returned to stomach. Since I was born that was my first time to see a protruding bean! Where I come from, as you all know, our persons are not gifted with long beans. No single persons has, even today, unless those that have drunked medicine to lengthen it or those that are originally, by blood not from the lineage of Gikuyu and Mumbi.

In head, I thoughted that she was a hermaphrodite that we read about in school. Let cold insert me. Little did I know later,rather came to appreciate later that ‪#‎longbean‬ is every woman's dream, every woman's jewel.

She saw my worry that was registered all over my face. She jumped in bed and inserted inside blankets and covered herself.

I went straight to my head and telled it to tell josto to ukia again because I was about to embarrass myself. I telled head to tell josto that it was not the first to climb a hermaphrodite.

After rolling makobosto on a flaccid josto, I switched off the lights and joined her in bed. I touched touched brookies small to convince myself that she wasnt a hermaphrodite and when tree stood small, I jumped and convinced myself that I was climbing a normal persons. I would try to force an airless josto but where. I attempted and attempted to force it up until she was tired. Believe it or not, I did not ukia nor pour.

An year later, when I joined college to do Ms office, the village in me started to dissapear when I heard people talk about how good persons must have a long runguthu. To drive the point home or force it down my throat, Theuri, my friend and my neibor in the village and another guy called Murira Ikihia na Ciahia Agakira (Crier of when cooking and when cooked stops crying) took me to Luthuli's New Aden. From first floor, trappers were sitting on corridors without thuauri. He would tell them that he wants the one with the longest runguthu. They would pull it for him to see, then Theuri would say not big enough until we reached fouth floor. Fourth floor had the youngest and the prettiest. I climbed one with a big runguthu and the way tree was coiled by runguthu until I appreciated the beauty of hanging ruthungu.

After that first escapade of longbean, I remembered what I saw in that persons of Dandora. I looked for her until I found out that she was now working at a bar in Lungalunga slum.

I traced her until there. Within a short time, her long bean was coiling on my josto almost every other weekend. I would then go and recount my escapade to my friends in college and they would ukia like satan and beg me to introduce them they feel like me even if small.

Everytime my tree would stretch small, I'd go to Lungalunga, rent a room that was going for 150 shillings and climb until morning. In that room of iron sheets, they used to keep one basin in the room and outside, they used to put a tank of water. So, on your way to bathroom, 50 meters away, you would draw water from the tank and go queue to enter bathroom. At times, if it was day time, I would go to her house (she had given me a key to her house). But in head, I was suspecting that that she was being climbed by atleast one other man.

One day, at around 6PM, my tree stetched untill knee. I went to OTC and took a bus (all those mats were dilapidated and it was a rule by the owners of that route to only bring 1960s mats) until lungalunga. Since we didnt have phones then, sometimes it was chancing because you wouldnt know if rain was there or not.

I met her serving her customers at a bar she was written.

After buying me a soda, I asked "

"Kianda nikuega?" (Is down good?)

She telled me "ini, nduthie u book rumu, umuthi niukunogia njagi proper" (Yes, down is good. Go book a room, you will make the bean tired proper)

I paid 150 shillings and went to the room to wait for her to come after she close the bar, normally at around 10 PM since I did not have money to buy dogogio.

I kept myself on the dirty bed, tree stretching until near ceiling, waiting for 10PM to arrive I feel bean stretching on my zigzag.

Small, sleep catched. I woke up at 11PM. From far, I could hear noise coming from the bar, indicating that she had not closed yet. I returned to doze. I woke up again at 12.30, though the noise was dimmer, there were still people in the bar, meaning the bar wasnt closed.

I catched sleep again and when I woke up, it was 3AM. There was no noise even small. I refused to know if she had carried me babish for the first time.

I tiptoed out until bar and saw it was closed. I tiptoed until her house. Using the key she had given me since long time, I opened and peeped inside. I saw a man, closely resembling Theuri in deep sleep and snorting loudly. Head telled me that Theuri had jumped me.

Besides him was my pesons. When she heard someone open, she lifted her head up small. She had not slept because she knew my devils and what I was capable of doing like my fellow students who could throw stones at police and innocent motorists for a stupid reason like losting of electricity.

Feeling gikindi choking me, I returned to room, almost crying and not knowing myself at all.

I kept myself in bed and tried to catch sleep but where. Head telled me to cry but tears could not come out. I refused to know what sort of a man can do that to me, be it Theuri or anyone else for that matter.

As I tossed myself in bed, I saw the basin of washing. Head telled me to pour cold water on them.

I went and drew water with the bucket, then opened the room of that persons slowly, until all door was fully opened. I then splashed all water in the basin on them, locked the house from out and in full speed fled to my room.

Before I fled, I heard the man shout "ngaingai ngai nuu ucio?" who is that? In that deep voice, it did not sound like Theuri.

Later, I was told by a neibor next door that when he finished to say ngaingai ngai, that persons was slapped 4 powerful kimanyoko slaps until she fainted. When she woke up, she was asked who that man was and why she would even dream of cheating on him with other men and besides, in a house that he pays.

When she hesitated to talk, she was kicked and kicked, almost being killed until she saided that "uuui...Mwaninikiii.... ndukanjurage, egagwo Cohi ni student was Universal college na e room 9" (He is called Wanjohi, he is in room no. 9 and is a student of Universal college)

I had locked myself in side the room and could hear the commotion from far. In head, I knew that I was fucked up. The man removed out and kicked the door of the next room to his and entered with the door. He kicked all doors, vowing to kill whoever that Cohi was. When he reached my door 9, I was already urinating on myself.

He told me to open and that he was going to kill me. He asked me if I knew him and saided no. He telled me that he was a robbery with violence and has killed so many and I will be another statistic. Small, I heard twaff twaff twaff, 3 shots in the air. Kumbe the guy was a real robbery with violence and he was the one who had kept that persons.

After the shots, I diarrhead on myself. I then started to plead with him to spare me.

"Aki kiongozi, hata mimi nafikirianga huyo ni bibi yangu. hata mimi naripaga hio nyumba, aki usiniue"

By my good luck, when he fired in the air, he attracted the attention of some APs that had a camp near. The APs, out of fear, I guess also fired several shots in the air. Instead of waiting for me to open so that he can finish me, he fled the scene.

I did not waste another minute there. I removed from there and walked until my cousin's in Kariobangi. I did not tell him what had happened and why I had diarhoead on myself until 5 years later.

From then, I saided, never to go to a persons house unless I am the one that pays and two, if a persons carries me babish, I agree with her entirely that I am a baby like she is carrying me. It saves alot.

I am

Dagitari Onjohi
Snr. Gyno & APOLOBE (Appreciator Of Long Beans)